Cranial Hyperossification

Customer Service

noreply@blogger.com (GDad) — Wed, 12 Jun 2013 18:36:00 +0000

"I'm sorry. I can't help you. I've taken a vow of 'shut the hell up.'"

Bilbo Got it Right

noreply@blogger.com (GDad) — Mon, 10 Jun 2013 11:39:00 +0000

“I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.”

Still

noreply@blogger.com (GDad) — Tue, 04 Jun 2013 21:24:00 +0000

She is STILL TALKING!

ALL CAPS

noreply@blogger.com (GDad) — Tue, 04 Jun 2013 20:58:00 +0000

I am in a waiting room, and there is a woman on the other side of the room who is having a cell phone conversation with someone who can probably hear her without the phone.

Greek to Them

noreply@blogger.com (GDad) — Mon, 03 Jun 2013 21:48:00 +0000

I was at a Subway restaurant the other day. One of the sandwich artists was making my sandwich up until the cheese part. She gave it to the next artist, who put it in the oven at my request. The oven dinged, and Artist 2 put the sandwich back on the preparation tray.

"The sandwich isn't toasted," said I.

Artist 2 stared at the creation, pondering this seeming ontological impossibility.

"You need to press and hold the button," said Artist 1. "Sheesh, I tell people this all the time, and they never believe me."

"We should just call you Cassandra," I quipped.

"Why? Do you know her?" she asked, pointing at Artist 2, whose nametag read "Cassie."

"Oh never mind. Before you were born."

Last Night's Episode

noreply@blogger.com (GDad) — Tue, 28 May 2013 11:56:00 +0000

Previously on GDad's Dreamscape...

We took a trip to Europe. At some point, Son and I made it to Germany, but GPop had decided to visit someplace else. I was driving on a German road (nicht die Autobahn), and for some reason, the brakes on the car didn't work. I slammed into the rear of the car in front of me at a light, and then more cars slammed into my back. Fortunately, nobody was injured, and all of the cars were nominally driveable, so everyone sort of meandered off without any fuss, which made the police (die Polizei) investigation very difficult.

Then we went to a scale model of Mad King Ludwig's famous Neuschwanstein Castle, which had been done up in pink stone with attached animatronic birds. Some American tourists were taking posed pictures in little alcoves throughout the gardens.

Phrase of the Day

noreply@blogger.com (GDad) — Fri, 24 May 2013 11:41:00 +0000

Justin Bieber's Monkey.

Single Rainbow

noreply@blogger.com (GDad) — Thu, 23 May 2013 11:17:00 +0000

I saw a rainbow "'cross the sky" today on my drive to work. It was a complete one.

Advice of the Day

noreply@blogger.com (GDad) — Tue, 21 May 2013 10:00:00 +0000

Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.

Too Many Political Blogs

noreply@blogger.com (GDad) — Mon, 20 May 2013 12:01:00 +0000

I read too many political blogs.

Why do I say that, you ask?

Because when I got a Playbill from a show we saw yesterday, I was reading through the Who's Who, and there was a mention of one of the actor's roles in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. I was skimming, and only saw the last two words on a line by themselves. I read them as Technicolor Democrat.

Vegetable Insult

noreply@blogger.com (GDad) — Fri, 17 May 2013 13:45:00 +0000

"The attorney general will not cast aspersions on my asparagus!"
--Rep. Louie Gohmert (R - Oklahoma)

Representative Gohmert does not appear to be the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

Why are the postings so light?

noreply@blogger.com (GDad) — Thu, 16 May 2013 11:03:00 +0000

The story I've been living is not really my story to tell. I appreciate those of you who have stuck around and read those things that I've been able to say.

Hope to be back some day with better material.

Fifty States

noreply@blogger.com (GDad) — Tue, 14 May 2013 11:24:00 +0000

Alabama
Alaska
Arizona
Arkansas
California
Colorado
Connecticut
Delaware
Florida
Georgia
Hawaii
Idaho
Illinois
Indiana
Iowa
Kansas
Kentucky
Louisiana
Maine
Maryland
Massachusetts
Michigan
Minnesota
Mississippi
Missouri
Montana
Nebraska
Nevada
New Hampshire
New Jersey
New Mexico
New York
North Carolina
North Dakota
Ohio
Oklahoma
Oregon
Pennsylvania
Rhode Island
South Carolina
South Dakota
Tennessee
Texas
Utah
Vermont
Virginia
Washington
West Virginia
Wisconsin
Wyoming

and Washington, D.C.

More Pauses Between Words

noreply@blogger.com (GDad) — Fri, 10 May 2013 10:53:00 +0000

In regard to Michael Jackson...

Pop Icon
Popeye Gun

Last Night's Dream

noreply@blogger.com (GDad) — Thu, 02 May 2013 12:51:00 +0000

I woke myself up laughing at my dream.

In the dream, GPop and I were sitting on the grass in a park, and an old acquaintance, David, walked up and joined us. He had a big rash on his face, and he looked distressed. He asked us, "Do I have a fever?"

GPop reached his fingers over and put two of them almost in David's nostrils, then said, "I think you have Bieber fever."

I looked at David and said, "I think you have the fever for the flavor of a Pringles!" I noticed a snack bar next to me and grabbed the nearest Pringles can. I squeezed it while pointing it toward David. The lid popped off the can, and David's head disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving the neck of his shirt open.

I thought this was so funny that I woke myself up laughing.

In the Year

noreply@blogger.com (GDad) — Mon, 29 Apr 2013 18:32:00 +0000

This is post 2525. Just thought I'd let you know.

Why Pauses Between Words Are Important

noreply@blogger.com (GDad) — Mon, 29 Apr 2013 18:31:00 +0000

Fetus Closure

Fee Disclosure

Online Ordering

noreply@blogger.com (GDad) — Mon, 29 Apr 2013 11:02:00 +0000

Something's wrong with this menu item...

Click to embiggen.

The Soulless

noreply@blogger.com (GDad) — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 11:17:00 +0000

I was in a meeting discussing issues that would probably make normal people die of boredom. A director of strategic planning was talking about an upcoming project and said that we were going to try to roll out a pilot program for this project so that we could assess the feasibility of the solution, but she didn't like the word "pilot."

With a completely deadpan affect, I suggested "limited scope production implementation." She liked that. I died a little on the inside.

Perhaps I should consider using my powers for good.

Horrifying

noreply@blogger.com (GDad) — Tue, 23 Apr 2013 11:02:00 +0000

From this web site...*

"People don't read."

I weep for the future.

====
*This is in no way an endorsement of that web site.

PotD

noreply@blogger.com (GDad) — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 13:03:00 +0000

A hypnotized Cyclops with an underbite.

Joe the Dumber

noreply@blogger.com (GDad) — Fri, 19 Apr 2013 11:32:00 +0000

Remember that flash-in-the-pan political nonentity, Joe the Plumber? He is known in real life as Samuel Wurzelbacher. In any case, his name is attached to some TEA Party web site where a bunch of angry and reactionary people post screeds about how kids should turn down their music and how darker people should stay off the streets so us nice pale folks don't have to think about them. Someone put my name on a list to receive his daily digest e-mail.

Great. Thanks.

Yesterday, Joe the Plumber's digest had the usual effluvia, but I clicked on one or two of the links, because this helps me predict what nonsense I will hear from the usual suspects at upcoming family gatherings. The content of the article is not really important, either for the purposes of my observation or in general, but the thing that amused me was that Joe the Plumber misspelled his own name in his sign-off.

Boston

noreply@blogger.com (GDad) — Tue, 16 Apr 2013 11:20:00 +0000

The people in Boston are in my thoughts.

Grammar Problems

noreply@blogger.com (GDad) — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 13:41:00 +0000

Verb tenses are problematic for time travelers. Were problematic? Will be problematic? Will have been problematic?

Uphill

noreply@blogger.com (GDad) — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 11:01:00 +0000

Today seems like one of those days where everything I do is uphill from where I am, and I am wearing roller skates.