Cranky Crazy and Quite Fine

2012

2012-01-06T22:45:00.002-07:00

It's 2012 and we are all supposed to disappear December 21. I certainly hope not! I'm just blogging to say I'm still here. I highly doubt anyone will read this. I haven't consistently blogged for years. But I like this blog for its history.

My life has changed a lot. I am successful and happy at work. I no longer have a bipolar type II diagnosis although it's still possible that I suffer from this disorder. It's more likely I have major depression.

I haven't attempted suicide in two years. I have no signs of interest in going that direction again.

I do have issues in my life but they are much smaller issues.

Anyway. Hi!

Depression

2010-12-05T21:07:00.003-07:00

Depression doesn't go away no matter how much you would like it to. Yes I take my pills every day. I say that because there was a recent period where I stopped taking them. It was a failed experiment. I needed to see why I have to take pills all the time. I hadn't forgotten it's just there has been so many changes I wondered if I just didn't suffer from depression. Well it turns out I do.

I have to say that lately I've been feeling a lot worse. I am going to start seeing a therapist again. I have three months of prescriptions left and I am going to avoid seeing a psychiatrist until I am close to being out. It seems like every day I feel nothing and care about nothing. I go through the motions a lot. I remember when Christmas meant something to me but now it just doesn't. I don't really care about the holidays anymore. I celebrate them for everyone else. I just don't feel like I have anything to celebrate. Life to me is just something I'm getting through.

I am no longer seeing my old psychiatrist for two reasons. One reason is that my insurance changed and the place I used to go to isn't covered. Another reason is that I just can't go back to that place. I am referring to the psychiatric hospital. My therapist and psychiatrist worked there and I would go there on an outpatient basis. I will never be going back to the hospital unless it is absolutely necessary as it was last time. It's beyond a desire or goal at this point. I just won't go back there unless I am in really bad shape. I don't see me getting to that point again. Now I just do badly in a mediocre way not in a spectacular way.

Unlike in the past my work is going pretty well. I am liked and respected at my work. Sometimes I work odd hours but I'm alright with that. I've tried the whole hating my job and quitting thing and I have to say working a few odd hours now and then betas the hell out of knowing that I have the last dollar in my pocket.

I don't dread things like I used to. However, I am becoming more and more complacent about things. I just don't care.

A thought came to my mind today. If I could win $10,000 I could just pack up and leave this state. I live three miles from my ex-wife and get constant reminders of the old life.

Thanks for letting me vent...

The Past

2010-12-03T21:45:00.003-07:00

I am amazed at the fact that people have gone on here and commented. I haven't blogged for a long time. These days I forget about this crazy blog but perhaps I should use it as an outlet again. I kind of stopped because things got insane and then they got sane again and I didn't need it anymore.

I started a project at the very beginning of my divorce and I called it the streaming life project. My intent was to document the hell I was about to go through. Sadly I didn't do a whole lot of documenting when things actually fell apart. All I have to show for it is a few videos I shot with my phone. One of them starts off with my ex-cat (the family pet of my former family). It made me sad to see that video. It brought up memories.

A lot of things make me sad... and I feel a lot of guilt. I can no longer talk to my ex-stepkids and that is always hard for me. I try not to think about it or deal with it. In fact just about everything about my past I try not to deal with. I don't talk about it much with my girlfriend. I don't talk about things in my groups anymore. I just kind of sealed my whole past shut.

So it's obvious I need to go to therapy again. It's just hard for me because I filed for bankruptcy over all of the bills caused by my mental illness. I know that's no reason. I facilitate a support group for people with mental illness. I give advice to see therapists all the time and yet I don't.

So back to my topic. The past. The past is painful. It shaped who I am now. It influences what I do with my life now. That's all fine and dandy but it still hurts. My behavior back then was sad. What happened to me is painful. This blog has some of those memories. Maybe that's why I forget that it exists.

What should be done about the past? Should I forget about it? How do you forget it? I suppose not dealing with it isn't working. It wants to deal with me! I see it a lot in my groups. People do everything to not deal with past horrors only to have memories floor them with in-your-face flashbacks. I suppose my sadness is a symptom of this. It's my past forcing me to pay attention.

I suppose I will talk about it in therapy.

Until next time...

Stay crazy.

Still here

2010-06-23T21:36:00.002-07:00

I'm still alive and kicking one year after my divorce...

Life is different now. I have a different job, I live somewhere different, the way I cope with things is different. I lost my job last year and attempted suicide. I backed out at the last moment, spent a week in a mental hospital, and I have been healing since. I moved in with my girlfriend. I no longer get triggered into sudden suicidal behavior. Going through difficult things has caused me to learn how to cope with difficult situations.

Life is still difficult. I work hard. I work long hours. The thoughts of suicide still cross my head... but the difference is that I use that as a trigger to start changing something. The most recent change is to focus on the right now... this moment. I am not spending my time feeling guilty about the past. I am no longer worrying about tomorrow. I've noticed that colors are brighter, tastes are more intense, I've noticed the details of my environment. It's fascinating.

For the next while I will be writing about what I have been experiencing. I intend to keep going with this way of thinking to see where it gets me. I suspect a lot of my recent dreams will become attainable...

I will keep you posted.

Crazy Times

2009-10-04T15:56:00.003-07:00

Well I haven't read my last post so I do not know what I said or when I said it. All I know is that this year has been extremely eventful.

In February I separated from my wife. At first it was going to be a month then it was a few months and then . . . Well first of all she started having this guy over while I was living elsewhere. Then I found out he was staying the night. In fact she had him over a day after I moved out. On Valentines day no less. When I found out about this I almost walked away from her. At this point I honestly wish I had.

The next month while I was spending a weekend at the house while she was out of town I found love letters between her and this guy. That led to my first legal issue. I kicked a hole in a wall after becoming extremely agitated. I wish after I had found the letters that I would have walked away from her. (see a pattern here?)

At that point I got a lawyer. Did I walk away yet? No.

In April after she had told me she was no longer going to have the guy over I drove by the house. I knew he was there. She had just gotten back from yet another trip--the family vacation that had been planned. My plan was to see if he was there and then to talk to her in person to tell her I was having the signed divorce papers sent to her to sign. Unfortunately I was too aggressive in trying to communicate with her.

So months after this incident I find out that I had three misdemeanors charged against me. Stalking, harassment, and criminal trespass for trying to get into my own house. In the end two of the charges were dropped and I ended up with the stalking charge. Again I wish I would have just left her at that point.

I finally did walk away and I have not spoken to her since April. I saw her and her kids when I was at court. She was not welcome there since she was only there to watch but she had a legal right to be there since it was a public thing. The kids should not have been there though.

Right before my last court date I lost my job. I had to move out of my apartment. I spent the next month getting back on my feet.

After I my divorce was final I met someone and started dating her. She is a lot more sane than my ex wife was or ever will be. I ended up moving in with her because of everything that was going on at the time. It was too early for me to move in but after a while we both ended up adjusting to it. Moving back out now would be damaging to the relationship not to mention pointless.

The funny thing is that I live a few miles from my ex. This would not have been my first choice.

I will always love my two step-kids... well they are not exactly step-kids anymore but they always will be to me. Unfortunately due to circumstances I am unable to communicate with them. If I could I would tell them I still care for them.

Why can't I talk to them? You see my ex has been trying to put me in jail. First she cheated on me then she tried to put me in jail. Thus, my lawyer said it was best if I move from the state I live in. I cannot have any communication with her because it puts me at risk. Furthermore, I cannot communicate with the kids either because that puts me at risk.

While it's true that I would never have any kind of relationship with my ex (I dont' associate with people who cheat, lie, and attempt to put me in jail for no good reason) I wish I could talk to the kids without risking my own personal freedom. The problems I had did not warrant such a punishment.

I have forgiven my ex's cheating. But I will never forget. I will also never forget the control she had over me for years. She is codependent. We thought I was bipolar. I am not. She was my problem my whole time.

Oh yeah. I do not have bipolar disorder. I have major depression. Go figure. Living a crazy life with a codependent made me someone I am not.

I am so much better now. Just a bit sad.

There ya go. My update if anyone who used to read this is still out there. Maybe I will post again.

By the way I am volunteering with NAMI

Hello People

2009-01-21T19:05:00.002-07:00

I'm still here somewhere in time. I don't know the last time I blogged. I haven't looked. All I know is that I am still here.

I just went through a pretty nice depression even though I've been pretty clear of it for a year! One hospital visit over a year ago. Not too bad.

What a nutcase!

Just kidding.

Go here --> http://www.nami.org

Emergency Update

2007-10-01T01:28:00.000-07:00

I spent Saturday in the ER for a suicidal episode. I have not been doing well for a while now. I am going to be getting into talk therapy because this is an issue that keeps coming back.

I know I put this blog into hiatus but that is because I was giving up on a lot of things in my life at the time. But perhaps I should start talking on it again... I don't know.

It's 2:30am and I don't feel like going to sleep. I have to go to work tomorrow.

How does one deal with the guilt of becoming violent towards himself? How do we deal with sudden uphevals? As bipolar individuals what do we do?

I've been so quiet on his blog for so long I hope someone happens on it and says something.

Oatmeal

2007-09-13T07:01:00.001-07:00

Lately life has been a bit different.

I am extremely busy at work trying to get a project done. The good thing is that I don't really take my work with me when I go home. I leave the stress there. I just don't care anymore. That place is and always has been messed up. I have my resume floating around.

My life at home has been different too. I am no longer focusing on a business or any project. I just come home eat dinner. Sometimes I manage to be productive.

I would say giving up made things a little better.

What is new

2007-09-07T06:54:00.000-07:00

I feel better after making a decision.

Crazy stuff is happening at my work. I can't really say what and keep anonymous. To me it feels like chaos and instability. Like I am on a sinking boat. Last time I felt this way I got another job and 8 months later my whole team was laid off. I missed it by months.

Also noting bad communication, disliking how the company is run, and mismanagement by my boss I feel it is time to cut and run.

I am working on a high profile project and I don't even care about it. I am going to work hard at it and get it done but I simply just don't care. I refuse to feel stress because of what is going on at work. It's just not worth it.

I tried to decide to stay but the only time I feel happy is when I am working on leaving that place.

Bipolar and Depressed

2007-08-31T07:02:00.000-07:00

It will not go away. I had a partial day off from depession. Perhaps I experienced rapid cycling. Things are not going well.

I am sad.

20 Days off

2007-08-28T07:02:00.000-07:00

Believe it or not I took 20 days off. I am starting to think those were 20 days of my life I missed.

In that time I went to my pdoc and got Lexipro. I am feeling how I did 10 years ago without medicaiton. Extremely depressed. I don't know what Lexipro is going to do. We will see.

I haven't done everything I said I was going to do but I may as well have. I spend no time on things I used to spend time on. My "business" is to me gone. I would cancel my web hosting for my other site but I am too lazy. In reality everything is the same except I no longer think about it. I don't believe in myself anymore.

I just kind of gave up on everything. Did it make me feel any better? No.

I have since decided many times to work towards feeling better only to be met at the door by extreme depression. Pain. Suffering. Misery. It's like a big scary wall.

So am I back?

I don't know. I just read a comment and felt like an update.

4 days to Hiatus

2007-08-08T12:02:00.000-07:00

Ok fine. I won't delete this blog just yet. But I am going on hiatus.

It's not like I spend a lot of time blogging anyway. But still hiatus is better than deletion because in the future I can still go back and look at my old posts.

6 Days to Deletion

2007-08-06T11:33:00.000-07:00

I cancelled my interview. I basically told them I had gotten an offer. That was the best way out. I haven't eaten and I don't really feel like it. Out of common sense I guess I will.

Bye in 6 days.

7 Days to Deletion

2007-08-05T21:11:00.000-07:00

In 7 days I am removing this blog.

I am a dismal failure at pretty much everything. I have been reading so many books, listening to all sorts of self-help audio cds, and attempting to set goals. As I have said in the past self-help is fundamentally flawed. If the self is fucked up how can it help itself? I am completely incapable of taking action which is at the center of any success program. I will never have traditional success so my definition of success from now on is just getting through the fucking day.

Therefore, in 7 days I am giving all of my books away and tossing my CD's.

I have been trying for years to put something together. To do something. I have achieved nothing. I will achieve nothing.

Therefore, in 7 days I am throwing away all notes I have made for any project or business. I am also going to close the semi-never really got there LLC business I created about 3-4 months ago. I will cancel my web hosting which I never use any way. I will let my domain name run out in January.

Originally this blog was going to be a business project and then I found it to be a great outlet personally so I tossed the business idea. Then I let family read it and I pretty much started to hold back. I stopped blogging for a while because of that. So if family reads this right now sorry to freak you out. I really doubt I will answer my phone.

I pretty much am a mess and that is never going to change. I can't take care of my back yard. I can't clean my own room. I can't take care of my own bills. I can't take care of my own cars. I can barely work. I can't do what everyone else does.

So what am I going to do instead?

Well suicide isn't an option. I spent part of my day fighting my wife over that. She wouldn't let me leave the house. I spent the day sleeping instead.

So I am basically quitting most everything. I have an interview tomorrow. I am not going. I will stay at my miserable job because to me any job would be miserable so why look for another one? More money would just mean more money to spend. I get a bonus and a raise in January anyway. I will spend my time at home doing the things I am supposed to be doing like mowing the lawn. If am not doing that I will find mindless entertainment. I guess I will buy a bunch of Playstation games.

So my life will be a lot simpler because I won't be dreaming.

I will still have the most important thing: family. I will just try my best to be some kind of family guy. But I am terrible at that.

A lot of different people have commented here before and I would like to thank you all. Sometimes it has really helped. Some commentors have come and gone. I've commented on some of your blogs. Some of your blogs have come and gone.

It's time to take this one off. Perhaps I will start another some time. You won't know it's me unless you happen to recognize my writing.

I will try to post each of the 6 days left but on Monday, August 13 2007 this blog is history.

Peace out.

Supersuckers

2007-08-05T07:01:00.000-07:00

So yesterday my family and some friends decided to go to an arts festival and then go to this other place that was having a free outdoor concert. I felt sick so I took Sudafed. Upon getting sleepy and dizzy I decided Sudafed just isn't my thing. Upon discovering they are now charging $5 a pop to get in to the festival we decided to sneak in. We went to a restaurant with access to the festival, ordered pizza, and sat down. I promptly fell asleep at the table.

An hour later no pizza. So my wife and a family friend went up to find out what's up. The guy promptly brought the wrong pizza. We complained. Then found we found out they messed up our other pizza too. The manager of that pizza hell hole decided to be a bitch about it. She said something like, "We are too busy." Hmmm too busy to tend to the customers? So we got our money back and left. We decided to contact the owner of the pizza place and tell them to fire that bitch.

I was hungry and tired and dizzy. We went to a grocery store and bought chicken. Then we headed up to the concert.

We had a nice spread. We picked a whole log bench for our concert buffet. We all ate. Then I eventually fell asleep after drinking some red wine. I woke up when the first band was over. They had been playing forever. I don't even know who they were.

I had some more red wine. Then I had a wine cooler. I decided it would be more fun to be up front in the crowd. I took our friends daughter up to the front and she danced around and gave me high-fives. It started to rain and she wanted to go back so I took her back. She wrapped herself up in a blanket.

I headed up front again. So I started doing the concert thing. You know throwing up the "rock on" up and jumping up and down. No moshing at this event I guess. Too bad. I like to mosh. Man I really got into this band. I have never even heard of them before.

I had to pee so I went off and did my thing. I grabbed another cooler walked towards the front. I guzzled the cooler and spent the remaining time being a buzzed sick concert going freak. This band was one hell of a good bar band. Some one's t-shirt said they have been around since 1988. How come I never heard of them?

Am I just not cool enough?

Anyway the show ended. I was pumped. They threw their play list into the crowd along with some picks. I got the play list. Yay.

We gathered our stuff an went home. The whole way home I tried to convince my wife that we should go find a dive bar and get drunk. The idea didn't fly so I subdued to my tired sick self and went to bed.

The moral of the story is. Don't feel sorry for yourself when you are feeling sick. Just get drunk and party instead.

Ideas

2007-08-04T11:21:00.000-07:00

So many ideas so much time. Where do I start?

Let me do a little grocery list of the past:

Nah never mind I don't feel like that.

That's how I am today. I have no desire to do anything. It's like I'm life's bitch right now. I get up to do something and I get smacked down. Sit down and shut up. Do nothing. Accomplish nothing.

Yeah I am on a break I guess. I am on hiatus.

My wife wants to do life coaching. I guess if I can't start a business then I'll start one with her. It only makes perfect sense. I just like action and I am taking none right now. So I am on here bitching about it.

That is it for today's ramble.

I am dissatisfied.

Dissatisfaction leads to action.

In my opinion.

Holy Massively Busy

2007-08-03T07:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday at work I did two days worth of work in like two hours. That was fun.

No.

At least I did it. I could still be working on it. Instead I got it done. I will have to do more work to get it up to par but that is easier than the first initial first draft type thing.

I can't wait for the weekend.

Well then

2007-08-02T07:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I felt better by the end of the day. So did my wife.

It is funny how that happens.

Today I am tired because I stayed up too late. But that is ok. It's better than being bitchy.

I am ready for the weekend. Too bad it's Thursday!

Off to work I go...

This is crap

2007-08-01T11:43:00.000-07:00

I was so stressed last night I just went to bed to make my head shut up. I just could not stop thinking about the solution to a work problem (or rather a problematic task). Yes that made my wife feel even more alone since she has already been feeling that way since I got sick then turned into an ass.

I feel kind of like it's Friday and I want the world to take a little vacation.

So much for stability.

I also feel like some of the things I try to do all the time just need to go away. It's like I am a big fat joke.

So yes I am feeling sorry for myself and don't feel like taking steps to fix it. I will have to take steps to fix it, though. So I will. Today. I hope.

I have to go. I have wandering to do. It's my lunch time.

:P

Tired Morning

2007-07-31T07:17:00.000-07:00

Well of course yesterday I stayed late at work. It's funny how that happens when I am in that mood.

Today I feel better but I am tired. I just woke up this way. The good thing is that I have applied for three jobs in the last two days. Yay.

Tonight will be a late night at work too (hopefully not too late). Plus I have a long meeting. Ugh.

Can I just go back to sleep?

Sigh

2007-07-30T11:26:00.000-07:00

Well I am tired today. We went camping over the weekend--just a quick getaway. It was nice. And exhausting.

So I am at lunch right now. Work today seems like a nuisance. I don't want to be here. I am thinking of how for a short time I did work with another side of our business and liked it better. That made me think again how I am just in the wrong place. It bores me.

What I really want is to get out of this horrid career and start my own business. If I had 5 cents every time I said that over the years I would be quite wealthy.

I just want to go home and rest.

Rapid Cycling

2007-07-26T07:04:00.000-07:00

Two days ago I think I was slightly hypo-manic. Yesterday I was agitated and slightly down. Right now I am just down. Classic symptoms of depression. Sameness of days (even though yesterday was quite different). Maybe I just think of my days as being defined as when I am at work not when I am at home.

I just wonder what the point is. I don't ever do any of the things I say I am going to do. I may as well not bother trying.

Now that was positive.

But mind you it is a feeling.

If feeling and reality were one and the same I would not have gone this far in life.

Determined

2007-07-25T07:04:00.001-07:00

Last night I went to a movie that reminded me of a particular time in my past. It was a time where I was wanting to learn and do something so badly I was willing to do anything to learn it. I stayed up all hours of the night figuring it out. I read. I practiced. I finally did achieve this task. Now I will forever have this skill.

Back to the business of me starting a business. I know that if I brought that kind of intensity and determination back I would be able to achieve difficult things. There is no question. With that state of mind I can accomplish anything.

I have been focusing too much on starting specific businesses or projects with little progress.

Instead I just need to ask the childish question "How is this done?" I also need to focus on wanting to learn what I need to learn no matter the cost. I need to feel the excitement.

So today my focus is on that.

Confused

2007-07-24T07:03:00.000-07:00

I just came off a four day weekend due to a funeral. I got sick. I even got the hives.

Now I am getting back into the groove of things and I am confused.

I spend so much time gathering information about success and self-help. I use it for myself. I want to start a business or maybe just money earning projects but I have done little. I know exactly how to start them. I know exactly what to do to make them successful but I sit on ideas like eggs. They never hatch.

It's knowing something and not doing anything about it that kills it.

So I have a website that I do no work on. I think I should lay down the law and set a time where either I have finished version #1 (or at least am making good headway) or I drop it.

The problem is that this is the pattern I always have followed. I get really deep into something and then I lose interest and quit.

How many of us are like this?

I would think a lot.

So I am confused about how I should handle this.

Do I want my dreams badly enough to fight for them? Do I really want them to come true?

Bipolar Disorder Diagnosis Blame

2007-07-10T17:47:00.000-07:00

When I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder I made the mistake of blaming all of my actions on the disorder. This meant that I behaved more badly than I did before because I had an excuse. Slowly over I time I discovered that perhaps what I was doing was wrong.

Somehow I started to understand that there are two parts to this illness. Part one is the biological. The only thing there is to do about biological chemical imbalances is to do something that evens out the imbalance. This includes exercise, eating right, and taking medication. The second part is the mental part. This is the part that creates the greatest confusion. How can you tell a feeling you are having apart from physical imbalances? Meaning how can you tell if your feeling is because of your thoughts and actions or because of a physical illness.

This is one of the questions I wanted answered when I first found out what I had.

I have greatly discovered the difference and have learned to manage the mental part to a large degree. For me the biological part is handled. Yes I get hypo-manic from time to time. Yes I get depressed from time to time. But the degree to which I handle the depression differs based on how I act and feel. I am no prisoner to my imbalance.

So my advice is discover what those differences are and act to work on the mental issues through therapy. Or if you are like me you could try cognitive self-therapy. Yes it is possible. And cheaper. Buy books. Buy (or download) self-help CD's. It works. If you apply it.

These days I am asking the question: How does a person like me become stable and consistent.

The answer is to keep working on it and believing it is possible.

Accept the imperfection and believe in the power of love.