Cranky Fitness

A Late Start

2013-05-23T07:46:00.000-04:00

This awesome guest post is by one of our favorite Cranketeers, Death Ride Grandma!

Crabby and The Lobster are undertaking their season migration from one coast to the other, this time via airplane rather than in Fran the Van. Crabby is most likely, at this very moment, cursing sleepless redeye flights and crappy 6 a.m.airport food choices and barfy ferry rides and the necessity of unpacking random boxes of crap in order to find coffee-making supplies and clean underwear. So how awesome is it to have an inspirational post from an articulate kick-ass blog comment contributor instead of bleary blog blatherings from a semi-comatose crustacean?

And now please welcome... Death Ride Grandma!

Advantages of taking up serious exercise when you’re…when you’re…well, not exactly young any more:

1)    You have a lot less wear and tear on those joints. Runner’s knee? Much less of a worry if you have been swaddling that knee in cotton and wool for 45 years or so.
2)    Really, how many 55-year-olds are regularly setting personal bests?
3)    Regular access to free, legal, safe drugs.*
4)    You can seriously impress your doctor.
5)    And your friends and relatives.
6)    And yourself.

This is my story. Before you go looking for inspiration on your own fitness journey, fair warning: you will not be wanting to find your inspiration the way I found mine.

But I hope you will want to duplicate some of what it produced. I am 61. I have 5 grandchildren. I work full time, commute, volunteer a fair amount. If I can do it, you can do it too.

It?

I run a bit, maybe 5-6 miles a week; I take yoga classes; I tap dance; I spend a couple hours a week weight training; I am known in the abs class as the one who casually picks up 25 pound dumbbells for the core row (I am a little old lady – 5’1” and happily leave my hair gray); but mostly, I ride. Over the last few years I have averaged 6000 bicycle miles a year. This year, as my alias here suggests, I am training for the Death Ride – 129 miles, total climbing of over 15,000’. And I love it.

For a long time, for most of the time my kids were growing up, I did what so many of us do: I gained weight, a pound here, a pound there, a bigger size, then one more.

When I was a kid, I was always outside playing, and I had lots of fun on the playgrounds, but I was never chosen for teams, I am not naturally athletic at all. As an adult, I still loved to walk – fast – and I took tap dance classes wherever I could, but it was not enough. The pounds kept coming, the aches that I assumed were just a normal part of aging multiplied. I signed up for one exercise series after another, and somehow never quite finished them. Ok, I often didn’t even do more than the first class. I forgot the clothes that day; I was self-conscious about the shower set-up; I was tired; something big was happening at work; I had a sick kid; I stubbed my toe. Excuses come easy. Rationalizations? No problem. The hard thing to find was the inspiration that got me past all of that stuff.

Here’s where my story will be of no use to you. When I reached the event that ended up inspiring me, I didn’t appreciate it at all. You see, my inspiration came from a place no one would want to go, and no one could choose to go. When I was 46 I learned I had brain cancer. I had surgery. I found I was sleeping with my jaw clenched from the anxiety. But I didn’t die from it.

[Note: DRG couldn't find any brain surgery photos,

but I'm sure this is a close approximation. --Crabby]

After a couple of years, when I was off all the anti-convulsant medication, when I had gotten more used to the bizarre reality I had dealt with, and I had taken care of the really big things I’d have kicked myself for not having done had I been one of the, sadly, far more common brain tumor victims who don’t get a second chance (planning for our retirements; some serious succession planning for my business; some traveling I had always dreamed of), I was ready. Really ready to get in shape. I found those old excuses and rationalizations sounded sort of hollow. Next time, tomorrow, later – but what if tomorrow doesn’t come? So I went out and bought a stationary bike and gave myself homework. I was to sit and pedal for 30 minutes a day, every day unless I was too sick to get up; I was to write it all down; I was not to eat any more than I was already eating.

It hurt at first. And frankly, a stationary bike is not all that much fun. But the pounds started to drop off. And after a while, my husband talked me off the stationary bike and onto a clunky bike that went – yikes! – out on the street. The miles started to accumulate, and the views were beautiful, and it started to be something I really looked forward to.

Let me tell you how great, how easy it feels. In the beginning, I was nervous that if I skipped a day, I would, once again, let the plan slide into the growing trash heap of abandoned plans. Now, I am afraid of missing an active day ‘cause I know I won’t feel as happy without my legal, free, guaranteed pure and uncontaminated drugs.* Now I climb hills I dreaded only a few years ago – and call it a recovery ride. Now, I’m one of the ones saying, “Keep it up! You’re almost there!” I went a year and a half with no car. My husband and I rode our bikes from Seattle to Boston at a touring pace – leisurely - looking at every town, every wildflower, every bird, talking to lots and lots of great people.

And before you say, yeah, but that’s so not me, let me remind you: I got on a road bike for the first time in my life when I was 51.

I sleep well. I rarely get sick, and when I do get a cold, it seems much milder. I move the way I did when I was a teenager – no hesitation to sit on the floor, to clamber into an awkward spot to hide when my grandchildren propose hide and seek, to rush up or down stairs. Less aches than when I was 30. Really. No feeling out of breath if I run for a bus. As of this morning, my weight is 3 pounds more than it was when I was 15, 20, 27 (then I had that baby and things went in the wrong direction for about 20 years). I have had my weight pretty much where I want it for 12 years now.

And here’s the part I like best. I admit it. I can eat all the ice cream I want.

So what does it take? I do not claim any expertise, and have no plans to write a book. The thing is, I think most of it is too simple for that. And Crabby’s book has all the important stuff covered already. I’d just say, find something that appeals to you and put it on your calendar; find friends who like it, too, and make appointments you have to keep to make them happy. Or join a group with the interest and make friends there. Maybe you love plants – find a group that identifies all the wildflowers on local hikes. Maybe you love water – think about swimming, or hey, maybe windsurfing. Dance. Do those urban clue-following races with a team. Learn how to stand on your head.

And on the food front? Just stop eating when you’re full. That alone allowed me to stop gaining. Find some little thing you can change for the better every now and again (I went over to brown rice from white; I gradually weaned myself from soda to lemonade, then to water with lemon squeezed into it.) But don’t go all crazy and decide it will only work if you give up your favorite treats, if you will always have to show up at the Christmas party with a baggie full of celery. Eliminating fun doesn’t sound like a good idea to me. Then add a little exercise without adding food. My bike expert/trainer points out that, once you’ve found a stable weight, if you can get rid of 100 calories a day (that’s like one small cookie, maybe? Or a half hour walk?) you will lose almost a pound a month. It won’t get you into the dress for the wedding next week. So? That never lasts anyway. What I have done is find a few little tweaks that have really changed my life. I don’t want to finish my quest to lose weight so I can go back to “normal” – I found a place that can be normal forever. That’s what works.

Inspiration to make it happen? Well, how hard would you push yourself to get something you really, really like? How far would you walk to visit your best friend? How fast would you finish chores to make sure to see your favorite show? How carefully would you save to buy the camera you dream of? I bet all of your answers involve more effort than a little exercise time would. I promise you, once you have gotten to know this feeling, you will look forward to pushing at least that hard to keep experiencing it.

*Endorphins. I never took drugs that weren’t prescribed, and I resist prescriptions pretty vigorously. I took one Vicodin after my craniotomy, and that was just because the nurse seemed to think I should want it. But this endorphin stuff – wow! I will never willingly give it up.

Thanks so much, Death Ride Grandma, it's great to hear your story! Anyone else besides me feel inspired? And what got you guys going?

Runnin', Rockin', and Rantin' Double Giveaway

2013-05-20T08:40:00.000-04:00

As Crabby and the Lobster prepare to jet off to Provincetown, is anyone up for a blog giveaway of two unrelated prizes, plus a product review and a foul-mouthed rant?

Gots To Be Cranky

What if it were a pair of Koss Fit Series earbuds designed for women, and endorsed by Dara Torres?

Plus TWO spots in an awesome Up and Running online running course worth 49-99 pounds each? Which in American money is about 9 million dollars, if I'm correctly recalling the exchange rates from our visit to the UK last summer? Or, um, we could have perhaps been consuming a few too many pints.

First up:

Get Up and Running!

One of the masterminds behind this enterprise is Shauna Reid, whom you may know as "DietGirl" from her inspiring book and blogs.

I am a big fan of Shauna's!

Since part of the appeal of the course is the supportive community involved, it's great to know that it's being led by someone who is wickedly funny, down to earth, warm, and brilliant, and not some addle-headed misanthropic crankbucket.

Up and Running is also the creation of renowned running coach Julia Jones (below in pink) whom I have not met but I bet she's awesome too.

In their words:

We run e-courses for super-new to seasoned runners from 5K to half marathon, all with expert coaching, unlimited support and a wild cheer squad to make it happen.

You'll be part of an awesome community of fellow runners - your own international running club! So you'll never run alone, no matter where you are in the world.

Running is hard, we don't deny it! But hard is where the magic happens. You'll take your mind and body places that you never thought you could go... just give us 8 weeks!

If you win, you can sign up for the course of your choice, but if not, there will still be time to grab a spot now for the June 5K, 10K or half marathon courses - you can find out more at: http://www.upandrunningonline.org/course.

Note: Thanks to the generosity of the Up and Running Gals, the Lobster is going to be signing on for a course too and she's psyched!

And here's a testimonial:

"I can't praise Up and Running highly enough. Being a part of the community has been one of the most enjoyable experiences I've ever had... I go out running now for the sheer enjoyment of it and every single time I have to chuckle a bit to myself at what I've accomplished. Me, a runner." - Svava, UK

Now for the Rockin'and Rantin' Part:

When I am exercising, I need music. And until recently, I went old school in terms of earphones:

However, I lost my headphones a few months ago. Over time, the old-fashioned cover-the-ear buying options have dwindled to almost nothing, and I could barely hear out of the ones I had they were so crappy. So it seemed to try those earbud thingies that everyone else seems to do fine with.

They felt creepy jammed in my ears, but at least I could hear out of them. For about two minutes. Then, if I were moving around at all, they'd start falling out. My elliptical workouts are apparently especially provocative, because I would spend most of the time retrieving, smooshing, twisting, cursing, and othewise attempting to keep the damn things in my ears. I had a pair with three different earbuds, but even the smallest size was too big.

The reason? Well, like so many products that are theoretically gender-neutral, they were designed FOR MEN. Because everyone knows to be human is to be male, and women are this other thing that is smaller than "normal" and whom you don't think about when designing things. Remember when they first came out with air bags in cars but designed them for male-sized occupants so they were killing women and children? Or ever get tired of taking medications with no real idea of the side effects because all the studies were done on men? I F--CKING HATE THAT!

The good news?

I got a pair of free review pair of earbuds designed for women. They have a clip thing to keep them secure, and I love em!

Quick Review of Koss Fitclips Earbuds For Women

What I Love about the Koss Fitclips: the clip thing looked like it might be uncomfortable, and if you are sensitive or allergic to everything, they might be, but to me they feel soft and pliable and are surprisingly easy to forget I have on. You don't have to wedge the buds in your ears because they are naturally held in place, so the earbud size becomes much less relevant. In fact, I was too lazy to switch from the medium size to the small size which is probably the correct size for me, because I didn't need to.

Also, the sound is great!

I will let Dara be the SpokesModel here, as the picture I took of the side of my head was hideously unflattering. When did my face get so freakin' huge? Anyway, pretend this is Crabby:

However, the BAD NEWS is:

Sorry, The Giveaway HeadPhones Do Not Have the Clips.

I was sent two pair of headphones, and the second giveaway pair is still Designed for Women with Smaller Earbuds, but without the clips.

They are like these pictured above but are BRIGHT YELLOW.

If you have really small ears like mine, I'm not entirely convinced the earbuds are gonna stay in, but the only way to know would be to open the package and get my earwax all over them and I'll spare you that.

My previous earbuds that kept falling out also came in three sizes. They are in black below; do the white Dara-approved ones look any smaller to you? They actually look bigger to me, but they are a bit squishier, so perhaps they'd stay in better.

But if you don't have freakishly small earholes, or you're dealing with a larger pair of earbuds to start with, or if the clip thing sounds scary, these still might be great. Plus, they are high quality headphones with good sound. And, because they sent them directly to me, the giveaway is not limited to U.S. addresses as I'll fork over for international postage.

To Enter the Giveaway:

Leave a comment below, check back later to find out if you won and claim your prize by end of day Friday May 31st. Winners will be chosen by a mysterious combination of random and nonrandom methods. (For example, if you say: "I would not wear a pair of earbuds or go running if you paid me a million bucks!" Or, "Everyone please go visit my golden retriever/hoodia/dentistry website," you are probably not going to be a winner.)

Good luck!

So, got any thoughts on running or earbuds or products designed for men or anything else?

The #1 Secret for Success and Happiness?

2013-05-15T08:45:00.001-04:00

Crabby made a thing! Feel free to share this important reminder somewhere if ya do that sort of thing.

There are SO MANY ways we tend to hold ourselves back when we forget this. And there are so many exciting endeavors and adventures we could be enjoying if we weren't afraid that temporary flailing and failure might compromise our awesomeness. If I let myself get started I could easily turn this into a 20 volume encyclopedia instead of a blog post.

But instead, comporting with the spirit, if not the letter, of "Wordless Wednesdays" I think I'll shut the hell up now.

Anybody else besides me struggle with this sometimes? Any examples of confronting perfectionism and going forth and Kicking Ass?

Public domain images gratefully swiped from graphics fairy.

Ask the Nutritionist: Calcium Supplements, Yes, No, WTF?

2013-05-13T08:38:00.002-04:00

Got questions about healthy eating and nutrition?

Well, today starts a new feature at Cranky Fitness: Ask the Nutritionist!

It could also rightfully be called "Ask the Dietitian," since both the contributors are RD's. I almost did call it that, but then decided to play it safe in case either of these two knowledgeable and articulate experts figures out what a silly blog this is and decides to bail. What if I need to find someone new and have to cast a wider net?

No certification, but pretty darn sensible!

Plus, half the time I spell it "Dietitian" and the other half "Dietician" and that was driving me kinda crazy.

Anyway, so today's topic is calcium supplements. Used to be simple, right? If you weren't getting tons o' dairy, and especially if you were female, you were supposed to take 'em.

And my doctor still says I should, and studies are confusing. But even Jane Brody of the New York Times, not exactly known for going out on a limb with controversial advice, points out the risks of calcium supplementation, which include a higher likelihood of heart attacks and strokes.

So what's the deal?

Since Crabby is incapable of keeping things simple, by say, asking "should you take calcium supplements if you don't eat a lot of dairy?"... please stand by for a long-ass compound question:

What are the best strategies for non-dairy calcium?

Studies seem to suggest calcium supplementation has risks. Yet many folks are avoiding dairy either due to allergies, intolerances, vegan leanings, primal or low carb diets, or traumatic cafeteria experiences in 3rd grade. When you start to add up supposedly "good" sources of non-dairy calcium, it seems like you need to eat about a football field full of leafy greens and other dairy alternatives to hit the requirements, or else resign yourself to supplements and risk croaking from cardiac arrest or strokes. Post-menopausal women in particular seem to struggle with what to do about it.

What are some strategies for optimizing calcium intake, and how dangerous do you think supplements really are?

And what about "fortified" foods that don't naturally contain calcium, like almond milk or orange juice? Are these any different from taking a calcium supplement in tablet form when it comes to risks of strokes or heart attacks?

So let's meet our dietitians and see what they have to say!

Marsha Hudnall

Marsha Hudnall, MS, RD, CD, is president and co-owner of Green Mountain at Fox Run, a healthy weight retreat in Vermont that is exclusively for women. Forty years ago, Green Mountain pioneered the non-diet, mindful/intuitive eating, healthy living approach which includes a team of registered dietitians, psychologists and exercise physiologists. Marsha is a frequent speaker to both lay and professional audiences and has written for a wide variety of popular and professional publications. She serves on the board of The Center for Mindful Eating and the Binge Eating Disorder Association. Her newest book "Eating Happy: A Woman's Guide to Overcoming Overeating" will be available summer 2013.

This is an excellent question to kick off Ask-a-Nutritionist on Cranky Fitness. That's because, to me, it epitomizes the confusion people have around nutrition.

I want to say first that Laura is probably much more supplement-savvy than I am, as most of my work is in helping women learn how to feed themselves well with real food. I gladly point this out because I think it is critical to know what you are doing when taking supplements. There are tons of potential interactions that could spell trouble when people take supplements indiscriminately, especially in large doses. So, imo, it is very important to work with a knowledgeable professional to guide you.

To answer your question about calcium and calcium supplementation in particular, though, it's pretty clear that eating sensibly such as with a Mediterranean-style diet gives you your best start on getting the nutrients you need and optimally utilizing them, including calcium. You can read more about the Mediterranean diet and calcium here.

We all know, however, that most Americans don't eat like the Mediterranean diet suggests. The good news is that even though it leaves a lot to be desired in other areas, the average American diet that doesn't include dairy foods still contains about 300 mg or so of calcium a day. To boost that without using dairy foods, you can add things like canned fish with bones, tofu, or other foods fortified with calcium, such as plant milks like almond, soy, etc. That football field of leafy greens you mentioned? Actually, a cup of a cooked leafy greens like kale or bok choy or cabbage provides almost as much calcium as a glass of milk. Those leafy greens are also good sources of magnesium and vitamin K, which is important to calcium absorption and utilization. Adequate vitamin D is also important.

If you do supplement, experts agree to not take large doses, such as 1000 mg or more a day, to avoid any of the problems that recent studies suggest may be associated with larger supplemental intakes. If you're eating as I described above, you shouldn't need more than 250 to 750 mg/day (higher needs for menopausal women) in supplemental form to meet recommended intakes. That keeps you well within what is considered a safe range. You still need to be getting the other nutrients I mentioned above, though. Otherwise, you won't be optimally absorbing or using the calcium you take.

Laura Lagano

Laura Lagano is a holistic registered dietitian who counsels individuals about nutrition in Hoboken, NJ. What makes her service unique is the location – her kitchen. As opposed to an office or clinic, Laura’s “Nutrition in my Kitchen” program shows clients how to put her recommendations into practice. Applying the principles of functional medicine to nutrition and lifestyle counseling, Laura develops food and health plans by addressing the underlying triggers of disease, rather than symptoms. She also has a New York City nutrition office and offers Skype appointments. Reach Laura at laura@lauralagano.com or 917-829-0250.

Though Vitamin D is the current darling in the nutrient line-up these days, calcium is still talked about just as much as ever. More people are shunning dairy and not simply because of an allergy or lactose intolerance. In some nutrition circles, dairy elimination is synonymous with better health. Dairy proponents, however, say that avoiding this food group will result in poor calcium intake. No one will debate that dairy products are currently a primary source of calcium for most Americans. If you do not eat dairy products for whatever reason, how do you get your calcium?

Consider these facts. One, the calcium amount indicated on food labels is listed as a Percent Daily Value based on an intake of 1000 mg, which hovers around the Dietary Reference Intake (DRI) for adults. All of these numbers are most helpful for population, not individual, guidelines. Differences, for example, in health status, genetic variability, biochemical individuality, and lifestyle habits can change your personal, optimal nutrient intake.

Two, the DRI for calcium considers the Standard American Diet, also known as SAD. This is the actual acronym used by nutrition professionals. And sad it is. Because processed food and carbonated beverage consumption with its excessive amount of phosphorus is so high in the US, the DRI value for calcium is higher. That’s because calcium and phosphorus need to be in proper balance with one another for optimal functioning.

In my private practice, I rarely recommend calcium supplementation. Excessive calcium can cause more harm than good. Too much has the potential to displace magnesium and potassium, both vital to heart health. Though we associate low calcium with osteoporosis, many other minerals contribute to bone loss.

Before we review foods that are good sources of calcium, keep in mind that we are what we digest and absorb rather than what we eat. Calcium, like all minerals, requires a very specific gastrointestinal environment for absorption. As Americans the three major factors that interfere with absorption are (1) drinking carbonated beverages, (2) taking antacids, and (3) low hydrochloric acid. You can change numbers 1 and 2 easily. Low hydrochloric acid, commonly referred to as stomach acid, can be rectified with appropriate supplement therapy of betaine hydrochloride under the supervision of a healthcare professional. Calcium intake is not simply about eating calcium-containing foods.

For those who still ask what foods are good sources of calcium other than dairy, let’s take a look at milk alternatives. What would you pour into that bowl of granola or buckwheat groats (I’m not kidding; they’re delish!) if cow’s milk wasn’t part of your food plan? The choices are much wider and more available nowadays. All of these beverages are available in calcium-fortified versions and some contain calcium put there by Mother Nature.

Non-Dairy Milk Alternatives:
• Coconut milk
• Almond milk
• Hemp milk
• Rice
• Hazelnut
• 7-Grain
• Oat milk
• Soy (look for a verified Non-GMO label)

Perhaps you don’t drink milk of any kind. You still need calcium, so what do you eat? Pound for pound, leafy greens beat out dairy every time. Yes, that would be a lot of greens. Remember, it’s not only about the calcium you eat or drink, it’s about several other things that influence your absorption of this mineral. To pack a wallop of calcium, my suggestion is to have a green smoothie (check out my recipe below), green juice, or trail mix as often as possible. Check out my recipes below.

Great Non-Dairy Calcium Foods:
• Kale
• Turnip greens
• Dandelion greens
• Mustard greens
• Collard greens
• Arugula
• Broccoli
• Figs
• Sardines
• Canned salmon
• Soy beans (look for this label)
• Sesame seeds
• Almonds
• Brazil Nuts
• Flax

The Greenest Smoothie

3 ounces baby kale or dandelion greens (remove fibrous stems)
2 cups plus additional purified water
3 ounces arugula
4 stalks celery, cut into large pieces
1 small bunch parsley leaves
1 avocado
1 green apple, cored and sliced
1 lemon, peeled & seeded

1. Place kale or dandelion greens in high-speed blender. Add 2 cups water and blend on low, increasing speed until liquid.
2. Add additional ingredients one at a time until liquefied.
3. Add water to reach the 64 ounce mark.

Makes 4 16-oz smoothies

Bottomline Tips for Optimizing Calcium Absorption:
1. Limit how much processed food you eat.
2. Stop drinking soda!
3. Cut out the antacids.
4. Make sure your stomach acid is adequate. Consult with a dietitian/nutritionist who is trained in functional medicine to help you figure this out.
5. Drink a green smoothie or green juice as often as possible. I start my day with one every morning.
6. Toss canned fish in a salad with high-calcium greens.
7. Make a trail mix of raw almonds or Brazil nuts, sesame seeds, and cut up dried figs. Carry it with you for a high-calcium, high protein snack throughout the day.
8. Be creative. Make a pizza with goat cheese (okay, this is dairy) and sliced fresh figs. After it’s baked, liberally cover with arugula.
9. Make edamame, a preparation of immature soybean pods briefly steamed. Make certain any soy products you use do not contain genetically-modified organisms.
10. Add ground flax to cereals, salads, protein drinks. Go slowly at first because flax can really move things along in your digestive tract.

Thanks, Marsha and Laura!

So what do you folks do about calcium? Or is it something you even think much about? Got any questions for future columns?

Knudsen photo: Lileks
Bunny: all over the web; original source unknown

Core: Are You Phoning it In?

2013-05-09T09:21:00.000-04:00

This is just a quick post, a new experiment here at Cranky Fitness, land of the 10,000 word digression-filled ramble.

Anyway, I have recently discovered a kickass way to get more serious about core work that I wanted to share. Not that I'm necessarily gonna get more serious, but at least I discovered an intriguing new way to do it.

So I was already aware that there are all kinds of videos with exercise ideas and demonstrations on the web. The problem? I don't tend to exercise in front of the computer, and I can never remember anything I've seen 30 seconds later, let alone hours or days later at the gym where it might come in handy.

And yes, I'm do know they've invented a thing called the smartphone which can be taken to a gym, and I even own one!

Yet you can't do most exercises while staring at your cell phone. (I will leave aside the whole unrelated issue of people who sit on weight machines that I WANT TO USE obliviously texting away, theoretically planning on doing another set someday).

However, there is one set of exercises particularly well-suited to watching on a cell phone: core exercise on the floor. You can plonk a cell phone down on the floor and do plank variations over it: the plonk and plank!

This first one routine I found randomly on Youtube. First, before you go to the gym or basement or whereever, you watch video for the explanation. Then send the link to your cell phone. When it's time to try it for real, you scooch the time up to 1:40, set it down on the floor, and do the whole routine while hovering over it.

It's both a test to see if you are awesome, and (to me) an excruciating plank workout. Somehow, having this big guy panting there right with you pushes you further than you might normally go. (Note: I made it to the end but with much cursing and with horrible form so it was really kinda cheaty. Am working on making it for real).

So check out this plank test/hideous core exercise:

And if you're looking for more videos, Kim at Day with KT has a bunch. Here's another alternative move to mix it up with planks:

And if you want to add lower back work, the same big dude who created the plank torture test has some face down lower back stuff which I fully intend to try next time I'm at the gym! Or, um, not. We'll see.

Do you guys use phones at the gym or otherwise incorporate video training into exercise?

Steppin' Out

2013-05-06T09:27:00.000-04:00

Is this a review of a couple of nifty shoes for outdoor activities, the Tilden IV by Ahnu and the Power Walk 503 by Prospecs?

Or is it just an excuse to reminisce a bit longer about hiking and beachin' and kicking back on our recent trip to Maui?

Well yeah, you guessed it. It's both!

Plus, the post features a couple of different perspectives, as The Lobster was put in charge of reviewing (and keeping) the Ahnu's.

Being savvy photo-bloggers, we took the shoes to Hawaii, and then kinda forgot about the "review" part of the "get cool shoes free and then review them" thing. So of course we have a lot of photos with the feet chopped off.

But, we promise we will get to the shoes too!

Hi, I'm the Ahnu Tilden IV!

And hey there, I'm the Prospecs 503!

But First, ~~Lets Show a Few More Irrelevant Vacation Photos That Don't Have any Freakin' Shoes in Them.~~ Let's Set the Stage!

Packing for an active vacation is tough, especially when it comes to footwear. So many different possibilities and limited space; so it helps if your "active" shoes aren't completely sucky looking, yet are fully functional for a range of demanding activities.

There is sightseeing! Sometimes on cloudy rainy days, footwear choices can be crucial to comfort.

(Note the portentous clouds.

As it turned out, they meant business)

There is hiking to view pretty waterfalls!

There is strolling on the beach!

There is walking around on hard concrete sidewalks to find places to eat and drink!

There is sitting on boats after conquering an irrational fear of snorkeling!

And there is enjoying the sunsets!

So, is the stage sufficiently set?

About the Dual Review and the Procrastinating Crab:

So unlike Crabby, the Lobster promptly wrote up her review as soon as she got her shoes, and her thoughts were written pre-Hawaii. It was the Crab's brilliant idea to hold off and combine the whole Two Pairs of Shoes to Review with Hawaii photos, yay! As though shots of someone else's freakin' vacation is somehow any more appealing than a shoe review.

But on the other hand, (spoiler alert) these are both great shoes by companies that have not saturated the media with ads like some other major shoe companies we could name. We're all for promoting high-performance shoes that have to struggle a bit more to get the word out, especially given our lazy tendency to "go with what we know."

So, First up, the Lobster's pre-Hawaii take...

Review of the Ahnu Tilden IV

I am often a beneficiary of the free stuff that lands in our house, waiting for a review by my most significant other, Crabby McSlacker. I've had power bars and peanut butter, did a bran challenge (a moving experience) and I get to work out with stuff like the cool TRX. But the shoes, oh those shoes, have remained elusive. I mean it makes sense since it IS her blog and all. This is how it went down.

Crabby: Hey Lobster, (she doesn't really call me that but let's go with it), want to do a review of...

Me: Yes!

Crabby: You don't even know what it is.

Me: I know but it might be shoes.

And it was. So a few days later, right outside of our very own door, appeared my shoes, well sandals, actually. Ahnu Tilden IV Harbor Gray. Here they are:

Me again, but bigger!

Cool, eh? I think I got them a tad too big (and yes, duly warned by Crabby that sandals often run smaller than running shoes) but they have adjustable straps which are very nifty for making them snug for normal person wear and expandable for those cooler days when to everyone's horror, I wear them a la Portlandia like this:

Ah, but I digress, back to the my awesome new sandals. Here's what the good folks at Ahnu say about them: "Our new light weight Traverse platform so you can go all day on any surface and be secure and protected. From the quick drying mesh upper to the security of our integrated webbing and the dual density midsole your feet will be comfortable and ready to keep moving."

I don't know nuthin about traverse platforms or dual density midsoles but I do know they are way comfortable and supportive. You add the comfort factor to all those adjustable thing-a-ma-jigs and that makes me a happy hiker. Plus, I think they're pretty darn cute, even in the monstah-lobstah size, which is kind of hard to pull off.

Post-Hawaii Update by Crabby:

The Lobster wore these a lot (and is still wearing them) and kept complimenting their comfort and support. I tried them too and was very impressed and would try to swipe them back from her were they not too large. (I've made the same mistake ordering sandals too big before too). They seem a bit more cushiony and flexible than my own sandals which are a similar type from a Bigger Name sport sandal company yet still solid enough for rocky clambering or hard concrete.

Review of the Prospecs 503 PowerWalk:

I was intrigued by the premise behind these shoes: they are "engineered to address the biomechanical differences between walking and running."

Many of us put many miles walking on shoes that were built for running. Yet walking apparently results in more of the back of the heel hitting the ground as opposed to running. And if you're picking up the pace and doing Power Walking, "the aggressive striding of sports walking results in a 30-degree contact angle with the ground, requiring more cushioning at the heel."

In addition, "the longer your feet stay on the ground, the more your body depends on the rear part of your shoe." So they've provided more cushioning and made some other modifications like enhanced flexibility in the forefoot, and a lot of layers of stuff that you can learn more about at the site.

It was clear a lot of thought and technology went into them.

But I've tried shoes before that sounded like they included enough technology to be awesome, yet when put to the test, were either too flimsy, or too stiff and uncomfortable.

I'm happy to report, these shoes rocked!

They seemed to require no break-in time, yet the comfort didn't mean lack of support. They are perfect for walking on hard streets sidewalks and kicking random objects for no apparent reason.

Though they are not billed specifically as hiking shoes, they were great on the trail! Again, comfortable but with enough support to handle rocks and roots and other naturey things.

So in summary: great vacation, great shoes all around!

Oh crap, this is a hard post to comment on, isn't it? Um, any thoughts about active shoes or vacations or bloggers who procrastinate? Or hell, my feelings won't be hurt if ya got other things to do today!

May Day! Goal Support and Fun Book Giveaway

2013-05-01T09:57:00.000-04:00

So when you hear the words "May Day," do you think of...

Festive celebrations?

Or acknowledgment of those who perform hard labor around the world?

Or perhaps you think of panicked calls for help during horrible disasters?

Well, it's all good, because May Day coincides with our monthly goal check-in! Which often involves discussion of celebrations, back-breaking work, and disasters of one kind or another.

Plus we've got a giveaway of two copies of a nifty book which you will hear more about momentarily: "Honey, Do You Need a Ride?" by Jennifer Graham.

Oh, and if you participated in last months goal post, you may want to see if you are one of the winners of the MOVband armband activity monitor.

So let's get to it!

Wait... what is a "goal post?"

If you are not a regular here, you may think a goal post is just the thingy at the end of a football field. You may not realize that a monthly goal check-in has become something of an institution here at Cranky Fitness.

Wait, anyone got a dictionary? Is "institution" defined as "a thing that has happened a few times before, and may even happen again in the future, unless we get bored and say f--ck it, let's not bother?"

Oh, that's not what it says? Well, then never mind that whole "institution" thing.

But anyway, since the beginning of the year, we've been checking in once a month about goals or aspirations or progress or random thoughts about what we're doing or not doing. These goals could be related to fitness or not, we don't care. It's basically a place to grouse or rejoice or get encouragement or whatever. Sometimes declaring that you're going to do something helps motivate good behavior, at least for a little while.

The cool thing is that commenters often reply to each other, and check back, and engage in discussions, and offer encouragement and support. There is a giveaway at the end of the month as a gesture of appreciation for those who participate. A subset of commenters is secretly selected by me to be finalists, totally arbitrarily, and then the Random Number Generator picks the actual winner. This way, if you win, you know I picked you, but if you don't, you know I probably picked you and its totally the RNG's fault you got robbed.

This Month's Giveaway: A Book You Will Probably Enjoy! Unless You Have Something Against Runners or Donkeys.

Note: The author owns donkeys, I am not implying she is a donkey. She is the one in the middle and clearly is not a donkey.

Anyway, the book is a hilarious but often bittersweet memoir of a self-described "fat runner." There is a lot about running, and about Running While Fat--something that our culture seems to regard as bizarre and vaguely threatening. But the book is also about handling the heartbreaks of life, and finding inspiration where you can, and cool stuff like that.

Jennifer has a kick-ass sense of humor and a feisty attitude. She is exactly the sort of writer Crabby McSlacker aspires to be! Except that Jennifer doesn't swear quite enough and she has an actual story to tell. Plus, again, she has donkeys. And kids. That all sounds like too much work.

The only two things I might take issue with are: (1) While I love that she embraces the word fat unapologetically, Jennifer doesn't look all that fat to me. But then I guess we all get to define ourselves however we want, so if she says she's fat then I guess she is so never mind. And (2) it is already hard enough to open any sort of account if your initials are J. Graham and do we really need another J. Graham out there hogging possible email addresses and urls etc? I think she should change her name to Runnifer Donkynski or something.

But otherwise, I heartily approve. And don't take my word for it, check out Jennifer Graham's blog or her articles published in periodicals you will have actually heard of to reassure yourself that she is awesome.

Oh, and this giveaway is part of a Virtual Book Tour put together by the charming and capable Emily Hedges of Hedges Virtual Book Tours. So if you are a blogger who likes to read and review things, and if you'd like to participate in future tours, you may want to get in touch to see if your blog is a good fit for anything!

So Who Won Last Month's MovBand Activity Monitor?

The winners are:

Tree Peters and
MrsMars!

Congratulations! Please claim your prize by emailing me (see schmooze page) within the next week with your mailing info. and I'll get our sponsor right on it.

But wait, it seems something's missing this month...

Where is The Boring Advice Part About How to Achieve Your Cherished Goals?

I've been kinda preachy lately, chock full of advice you already know and which I may or may not follow myself, depending on how far up my own posterior my head is at any given moment. I'll check in with my own May goal below in the comments, but I'm going to spare you the usual Tips and Tricks stuff. I'm way more interested in what YOU folks have to say about what you'd like to see happen in your lives, how you're dealing with the ups and downs, and what doesn't work for you or what does works for you, so I can steal your tricks to use myself! Or better yet, turn them into another rambling blog post.

Did anyone achieve anything interesting in April? What might you be looking to do in May? Or just stop in and say hi!

Losing Weight Without Losing Your Mind

2013-04-29T10:51:00.000-04:00

Recycling Blog Photos--Good for the Earth,

and Cheaper than Getting Sued for Copyright Infringement!

There is a lot of advice out there about how to lose weight, some of which is helpful and some of which is just plain creepy. Anyone else catch that recent tip about infesting yourself with roundworms?

So this isn't a post about how to lose weight. Instead, this is just a few of the 9,700 thoughts I have about the psychological aspects of weight loss. It's my impression that a determined, focused, lifelong quest to shed excess pounds and keep them off can make most normal people at least slightly bonkers.

Including me! I have certainly not figured out the perfect formula for craving only healthy food in reasonable portions and enjoying complete happiness and joy with every aspect of my physical form. Yet, as usual, not being a perfect role model won't stop me from offering up a few words of advice, 'cause I'm hypocritical like that.

Disclaimer: This post is sponsored by Herbal Magic Weight Loss and Nutrition Center, and per FTC requirement I am revealing that they compensated me with actual money (yippee!). Feel free to click on their links below if you're curious. Hint: they are not the obesity-fighting worm people.

But hey, I'm little and cute and will help you lose weight!

Three Thoughts for Retaining Your Sanity While Trying to Lose Weight

1. Manage Expectations

The problem with weight loss is that for most people, it's really freakin' hard.

If you expect yourself to stay on track every single day of your life and never mess up and keep making progress week after week after week... well, good luck with that. And do I make this same obvious point nearly every time I write a blog post? You bet I do. Many of us need constant reminding.

So how do you use the Biggest Loser type success stories and inspirational weight loss bloggers and impressive "before" and "after" weight loss photos for encouragement, without setting expectations so high that you end up feeling discouraged and weak and lame?

My suggestion: Go ahead and indulge in sparkly shiny amazing expectations! Envision continual breathtaking awesomeness if it helps you motivate yourself. But then when you miss your targets, settle for any sort of forward progress, however halting or sporadic.

There is no reason to be all logical and consistent about goal attainment. You can go back and retroactively redefine "success" to be whatever you did, and praise the hell out of it, even if it was all about "learning experiences" and not about calories or pounds or inches. You're training your mind for the long haul, which will include failures as well as successes. Staying with it and not quitting is going to be a lot easier if you don't catastrophize and beat yourself up all the time.

And if you've hit a weight loss plateau? Revisit Shadowduck's insightful post and read some of the comments therein.

2. Gals: Tame, But Don't Demonize, Your Vanity

Does this collar make me look fat?

We all know the sanest, healthiest motivation for weight loss is to be healthy and strong and fit, not just to try to "look hot." It is best to love your body for what it does, regardless of size, and stop trying to live up to hilariously unrealistic ideals perpetuated by our looks-obsessed media and popular culture.

And yet... we are human. We are affected by those images. Even if we believe passionately otherwise, it's hard not to internalize the constant brainwashing that the most important thing about a woman is the way she looks. And she's supposed to look young, skinny, and flawless. So as much as we talk about staying slim for our health, it's hard not to be additionally motivated by vanity.

Which is fine when all is going well, because the two goals are served by the same healthy behavior: eating nutritious nonjunky food in reasonable portions and exercising.

But what about when it's not going fine?

Feeling 'ugly' and getting all depressed, stressed, and angry because we feel unattractive... that's a bad idea. Mental health is part of physical health, and having body image issues messes with your head, big-time.

But here's the thing: feeling crappy because we don't look like those magazine women, and then feeling crappy on top of that because we even care that we don't look like that... it doesn't help. We just end up feeling twice as crappy as the women who are only obsessed with looks and don't even realize they shouldn't be.

And hey, it's human to want to look nice. We want our homes to look nice, our kids to look nice, our work environments and clothing and even our mp3 players or grocery tote bags to look nice. It would be unrealistic to carefully choose the perfect napkins to match your dinner plates and yet not give a crap what stares back at you in the mirror when you venture a peek.

So how to arrive at a "reasonable" level of vanity that lets you appreciate success in both terms of both health and aesthetics, but that doesn't put your appearance at the center of your identity?

Suggestion: Think Like a Dude!

Guys don't obsess about looks and weight loss, though most would probably prefer to look buffed and strong and handsome rather than large and flabby and dorky. Some make an effort to improve their health and appearance and some don't. Some succeed and some quit. But, for most guys, looks and weight are not their entire identity.

They figure out what they are willing to do or not do, and then they do it or they don't do it, and then they just say, f--k it, there's a game on, and let it go.

Picture an average male of your same age and physical shape. Would he say things to himself like:

"Oh my god I look like a whale in this outfit, I can't go the hardware store until I find something more flattering!"

"I'd love a steak, but I'll just order salad for dinner so I don't look like a pig in front of the rest of the guys. I can stop for ice cream when no one is looking."

"I can't party on the pontoon boat with all my pals, I'd have to wear a bathing suit in public!"

Seriously gals, you are a lot more than what your ass looks like in a pair of jeans. And you are going to regret the hell out if it if you don't figure this out until you are 95 by which time a pair of Depends is gonna have to fit in there too.

So try picturing yourself as a happy-go-lucky guy, who is going to make an effort not to croak from a heart attack prematurely, but is not going to spend a whole bunch of precious brain energy and time obsessing over what size pants he's wearing. Life is short!

3. Seek Support and Help and Encouragement

One of the best things you can do about weight-loss induced stress or despair is discover that it is normal. You are not alone. And there are tricks and tips and strategies to better your chances of success and keep you feeling good about yourself no matter how distant your goals seem or how sucky your progress is.

There are free things like blogs and forums and best friends. Reach out! And if you're open to try to fit additional support into your budget there are all kinds options, like, gosh, wellness coaches! Or weight loss centers that have various nutrition programs! Or reality TV programs with big prizes and millions of people to cheer you on or laugh at you depending on how you handle yourself! Some options may be slightly less realistic than others.

Are you at peace with your weight and/or strategies for weight loss or maintenance? Or are you a little bit nutty?

Photo of dog in mirror: jk3us

Diving In

2013-04-27T10:28:00.001-04:00

Sorry folks, for all of you now spoiled by outstanding guest posts: the Crab is back from vacation.

And yes, this means yet another self-indulgent photo-packed ramble! Expect the usual miscellaneous musings, tiresome tips, blog-related blather, annoying alliteration and ridiculous rationalizations, all dressed up and masquerading as post about health and fitness. Complete with a Theme That Doesn't Always Fit the Contents!

D'ja miss me?

Oh. Okay. Well, anyway, let's Dive In!

Leap of Faith

First off, it felt weird for me to stay away from blogging the entire time, though I can't claim I was totally offline. I did sneak in to read comments. But wow, it was a great experiment in Trust as well as Gratitude because I was totally blown away by the awesome guest posts, thoughtful and amusing comments, compassionate and clever replies, and enlightening interchanges. Gaye and "Shadowduck" and Cranky Fitness readers rock!!!

So next time I am the least bit nervous about wandering off from the blog and letting others run the show I plan to remember...

Everything runs A-OK without Crabby McSlacker, thank goodness!

Diving In: The Part That's Actually about Fitness and Personal Growth

Time-Saving Short Version: Crabby was afraid to go snorkeling. Crabby went anyway. It was awesome. She is glad she went. If you are afraid of something, you may want to try this too!

Long-Ass Version Complete with Illustrative Photos:

Thinking of Diving In to Something New?

If you are striving to lead a healthy and active life, you may come across opportunities that you suspect might be fun and good for you, yet could seem a bit scary at first.

Perhaps it's a Zumba class, or a 30 day pledge to go sugar-free, or an ultramarathon. Or a new-agey clothing optional Couples Communication Workshop held in a remote wilderness retreat. In other words: some activity that might benefit you, but also might come with some risk of unpleasantness, whether it be humiliation or failure or heatstroke or a sad combination of divorce and poison ivy.

You could say "no" and be safe! Or you could say "yes" and challenge yourself a bit.

Personally, I've spend most of my life a perfectly contented party-pooper, and I still think a cautious approach to scary things is a perfectly legitimate lifestyle choice.

On the other hand, sometimes you know you are exaggerating risks and being a big baby and that you will feel like a wuss if you miss out on something potentially awesome. In that case: not a bad idea to suck it up and give it a shot.

How Crabby Managed to "Dive In" and go snorkeling in 4 Simple Steps:

Step 1: Do a Reality Check On Fears.

OK, so yeah that's a shark we saw which is probably not even visible unless you click on the picture. It seems unlikely it's the bitey kind of shark, and weirdly enough, I wasn't particularly afraid of sharks.

Or eels for that matter.

This is what I was afraid of:

1. The ocean is made up of water which you can not inhale and breathe the way you can with nice ol' air. Breathing water instead of air is not recommended.

OK, so some might disagree.

2. The ocean contains WAVES that could engulf a person and drown them, and perhaps even pound and smash that person atop a lovely but lethal coral reef and turn them into hamburger meat.

3. Oceans are COLD at first, even in warm places like Hawaii (despite what liars say about it being like bathwater, or maybe they are not liars but people who take freezing-ass cold baths). Anyway, however warm it may eventually feel even Hawaii water tends to feel, to this warm-blooded mammal, icy and excruciating for a few seconds on initial contact.

Upon exploration of these fears I came to the conclusion that... I was being an idiot.

In my mind, the fact that 50 foot waves can be dangerous to surfers meant that 1 foot waves would be just as dangerous to someone only 1/50 as comfortable in the ocean as a surfer. I was reassured by those wiser than myself that the math doesn't work that way.

And while I knew I would be absolutely miserable for the first two or three seconds of every aquatic adventure, I was pretty sure I would thereafter be fine, and not simply cease to breathe forever after due to the shock of cold water.

Hint: a line of people behind you can help with the whole "wait and fret" issue, providing motivation to just get the f--ck in the water.

Step 2: Seek Support and Encouragement, and if Possible, Bring Brave Companions along!

And yes, this is the point during every blog post where I get tired of yammering so let's just go with straight to the pictures that include supportive wife and friends, shall we?

Step 3: Don't Forget to Enjoy the View!

Or whatever else the "fun" part is. I found myself a couple of times so focused on getting to the next reef and trying to impersonate a "real" snorkeler, that I'd temporarily forget to really relax and savor the lovely stuff beneath me.

4. Step 4: Keep it Up!

By the end of the trip I was the one suggesting snorkeling all the time, and each time I enjoyed it more than the last. Turns out, the beaches right across the street from our condo offered more amazing tropical fish and giant sea turtles than the fancy-pants and totally crowded Molokini excursion. Plus, without the crowds they felt like our own personal fish and turtles.

And sure, I dreaded and hated getting into the cold water EVERY SINGLE time, but it was totally worth it.

Now for the Bloggy Part of 'Diving In...."

Warning: A Bunch of Posts Ahead in the Next Week or So, Some of Which May Feature Products or Services!

In a spectacular example of ridiculously bad post-vacation planning, I seem to have promised quite a few posts by early May which have not yet been written. Whoops!

So as much as I'd like to ease back into the blog and write only thoughtful and entertaining blog posts, (wait, I never have before, why do I think I'm going to start now?) instead I'll be Diving In with as much grace as... well, lets say a D-list celebrity seeking high diving reality show fame and belly flopping themselves into a hospital stay.

I'll be doing my best to multi-task and slip in the rest of our vacation pictures into these posts (lucky readers!) and I apologize in advance for this period of "paying the piper" in return for a rather greedy recent spree of free-sample-grabbing and sponsorship-scrounging. Normal Cranky Fitness operations will resume shortly and I appreciate your patience!

Has anyone else conquered a fitness-related fear, whether silly like mine or totally legit? What helped?

(Photos mostly by the Lobster and our pal Katie).

The Long Slow Climb

2013-04-22T11:35:00.000-04:00

As Crabby continues lolling on the beach in Maui, we have another great guest post from Shadowduck! Not only may you recognize Shadowduck as a valued blog commenter and contributor, but he is the English translator of the popular Chilean webcomic "The Juanelo Show."

On August 16th 2009, at the final of the World Athletics Championships in Berlin, Usain Bolt broke his own 100 metre world record by eleven hundredths of a second, crossing the line in just 9.58 seconds. Four days later he repeated the feat, this time slashing eleven hundredths off his own 200 metre world record. In those few summer days he established himself categorically as the fastest human being of the modern age, and one of the greatest athletes the world has ever seen.

So what has he been doing since 2009? Well, he's been doing fine. A few olympic medals here, a 4x100 relay world record there.

But what he hasn't done in the last three and a half years is run faster than he did in 2009.

There can't be many people who've made a commitment to a serious health and fitness goal, whether it be losing weight, doing "proper" press-ups, or becoming multiple olympic and world sprint champion, who haven't at some point found themselves lost in the dreaded wasteland of the Progress Plateau.

Those mountains look a LONG way away, huh?

Probably, things had been coming along nicely. A few ups and downs of course, but they were just minor bumps in the road to inevitable success until...

...the progress stopped. The number on the scale hammered a stake in the ground and set up camp. Your 5K record, which had been dropping like clockwork, was suddenly out of reach. Your fastest bike commute was a year ago. An extra pull-up became an impossibility, and the gym seemed to have bought in a new set of weights that were somehow ... weightier ... than before.

So, undeterred, you decide to change it up. You start a new diet; you buy new running shoes; you cross-train; you try "miracle" foods; you eat eight meals a day; you fast; you do intervals; you meditate; you avoid specific foods; you do high reps and low reps; you spend hours reading blogs and forums, trying to decide which of the seven or eight prevailing but totally contradictory opinions seems most likely to you; then you try all of them just to be on the safe side.

And. NOTHING. Works.

Sing it with me!

Then your motivation starts to suffer. You beat yourself up mentally. In your mind, you see a sign round your neck: "No progress made in the last six months!". Or nine months. Or if you're Usain, three and a half years. But is "Lightning" Bolt now somehow a failure? Are we all failures? Do the achievements of the past somehow not "count" any more, despite our stronger muscles, our slimmer waistlines, our improved agility or flexibility?

The thing is, that plateau isn't the flat piece of ground it appears to be. You're not standing still. Sneakily hidden underfoot there's a treadmill whirring away, trying to drag you back to where you started (and beyond). You probably know people who really are standing still on the treadmill. Every year they put on a pound or two, slow down a touch, tire a bit more quickly... The only reason you seem to be "standing still" is that you're moving forward as fast as the treadmill pulls you back!

How about if we take a little trip back in time, through those months, years ... maybe decades for some of us? Sit back in the comfort of your Delorean and watch the odyssey unfold in reverse. At first the plateau slides smoothly by, and you wind up the windows to avoid that nasty smell of frustration that's wafting in... But soon, the road starts to descend.

Your most recent triumph (remember how good that felt?) flies by in a waft of glory, followed by earlier achievements that ... perhaps ... seem a little less impressive to you now than they did at the time? You pass o'er hill and vale, seeing each success and every failure; the cookies that stayed in the jar, and the ones that didn't; the days you went to the gym, and the days you made excuses; the effort, the sweat and the grind as you climbed inch by painful inch toward that distant goal.

And then, finally, you arrive. Back at day one.

Your plateau? It's up there somewhere...

Can you see Past You? Hesitantly lacing up a brand new pair of running shoes, optimistically signing up at the gym, stepping off the scales and noting down the "starting" weight?

Why not take Past You by the elbow ... okay, now give them a moment to get over being accosted by a slimmer, fitter version of themselves from the future ... now let them get all the jokes about flying cars and tinfoil trousers over with (like time travel isn't impressive enough, already!). Take them by the elbow, lead them to the window and point to where you are now - give them binoculars, maybe - then ask them how they'd feel, knowing that with effort they could be way up there themselves someday!

Ask them if that tiny distant figure on the treadmill, up there on the plateau, looks like a failure to them.

Past You knew something that you've forgotten along the way. Without all the effort since that day, not only would you not be where you are now - you wouldn't even be where you were then! You'd be a little (or a lot) further down that slippery slope ... and your plateau would be an even more distant dream.

So maybe Usain Bolt will never run faster than he did in 2009, or maybe he will. But I'm pretty confident that he isn't going to give up trying, and I doubt he considers himself a failure.

And you know what? Neither should you.

Photos: Little Tunnel Climb: Caillum Smith,
Distant mountains C Jill Reed ;
Stop sign: Juhan Sonin;
Alaska mountains: U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service

The Little Mermaid And Breast Implants

2013-04-17T06:38:00.000-04:00

While Crabby is taking a week off on vacation, Cranky Fitness is honored to present...

A guest post by Gaye of Confetti Drop!

Once upon a time, in my early 30's, I was in slamming shape. 5'2", 110 pounds, 16% body fat.

This came after having topped the scales at over 200 pounds, so I was pretty much living the dream! It was the very first time in my life that I didn't have “thigh balls,” or what others refer to as saddle bags. Thing 1 and Thing 2 were gone! It was a miracle!!! But sadly, gone too were my breasts.

I had never been well endowed. All through high school and college I was the girl in the Izod, often bra-less, rocking the tomboy/preppy look.

I had always been athletic and my body suited me. I could do what I wanted and my little size A's would happily bound along with me. Yes, I would occasionally yearn to be the girl in the bathing suit who could make boy's heads swivel just by half-assed trotting to catch a Frisbee, missing with a coquettish laugh (which would make her breasts bounce up and down so that the boys would continue to stare, riveted.) But I knew that I would actually catch the Frisbee! So watch that, stupid boys! And if a boy couldn't appreciate that a girl with a sense of fun and mad Frisbee skills wasn't the better catch (no pun intended,) then I didn't want him anyway.

As I got older I learned that I could do a lot to “dress up" my little breasts. I could wear plunging necklines, and I did! If you have small breasts those plunging v-necks are your best friends. Figure hugging t-shirts...check. Tight ribbed turtlenecks...check. The smaller bust thing only proved problematic when it came to buying dresses, especially if I gained a little weight, which always accumulated in the aforementioned thigh-balls, (which pretty much act as fleshy Tupperware containers, as best I can tell.) Then I could have a 4 size difference between my top and bottom halves. The only celebrity I've ever seen who is shaped similarly is Kelly Clarkson. She's adorable, but I sometimes think of how much shopping her stylists have to do to accommodate her shape. I know that Stacey and Clinton, (from What Not to Wear,) say to just have everything tailored, but come on! Buy the dress, AND pay for tailoring? So I dealt with it and went with separates. Kind of a pain in that it was limiting, but not a big deal. I could manage, and I liked myself fine just as I was.

Now let's go back to the beginning of this post, and I'm in my early thirties. I've had three children. I've gained and lost a lot of weight and am now uber-fit, in the best shape of my life. But suddenly my cute little A cup breasts are swimming in my now “Nearly A" cup bras. Hmmm. How about that. I needed to stuff a "Nearly A" bra? The tight t-shirts and turtlenecks had to go - they would crush my bra, leaving a rippling of fabric underneath. A little disconcerting. Then I noticed that my pectoral muscles actually stood out farther than my breasts. Wait. What? That's crazy. I'm indented? A friend told me that I looked amazing, but that her husband had told her that he'd never want her to look like me - too muscular. Thanks so much for sharing. So did I look masculine? As a child (ages 8- ish to 12-ish) I had often been mistaken for a boy, just at the age when I was beginning to identify myself as a girl, and that had left a mark.

Some of those feelings started to come back. I started wearing make-up to the gym. What the hell? I was in the best shape of my life, but I still wasn't "right?"

No. No! I was fine just as I was. I was happy that my body was strong and in good working order. I had a husband who loved me no matter what shape or size I was (and Lord knows he had seen the shapes and sizes come and go.) I was woman, hear me roar! Feminists unite! I would not feel "less than" just because of my breast size!

And then one day, after a run, I came home covered in sweat - Texas in July will do that to you - and I ripped off my tank top and jog bra. I decided I'd do some push-ups while I cooled down. And it was mid push-up that I glanced down at my bare chest and first saw them. There, hanging off my pectoral wall, were two of Ursula’s Poor Unfortunate Souls from The Little Mermaid.

That's right. If I'd stuck plastic googly eyes on the damn things they probably would have broken out into song. I had absolutely no fat left in my breasts, leaving me with nothing but skin, skin that was now dangling beneath me. My stomach did the same...3 kids...but I had noticed that before and had grown accustomed to it. But this? This was startling. And upsetting. What could be done to erase this image from my brain? I had sea creatures for breasts? Dammit! And at that moment I knew...it was either years of expensive therapy, or breast implants. The implants seemed like the more efficient way to go.

But I don't do anything without a great deal of thought and consideration. I am an over-thinker by nature. And surgery of any kind is not something to rush in to. Clearly. So I researched the bejesus out of the subject. I went in to the plastic surgeons office armed with three pages of notes and questions. I went with saline implants under the muscle. I told the physician I only wanted to be a B cup. He argued with me on the point (Texas is the land of BIG -- big cars, big hair, big implants,) insisting that almost every woman he had performed the surgery on had afterwards wished they had gone bigger. I insisted right back that I didn't want big breasts, that I just wanted the Lost Souls banished.

The surgery didn't require general anesthesia which I was happy about, and all went well. But this is a cautionary tale, so brace yourself to be cautioned. Or perhaps advised is a better way of phrasing it. While I have had absolutely no problem with my implants, (I'm knocking wood as I type this,) if I had a do-over I would either opt for the therapy, or, better yet, just accept my little breasts for what they were - - - mine.

Right after the surgery I felt as though I looked like Mrs. Potato head, if Mrs. Potato head came with breasts. (Implants are high and tight and absolutely ridiculous at first.) They were beyond weird to me. One day, soon after the surgery, my toddler crawled up in to my lap to snuggle, laying her head against my new chest. Then she sat up, looked me in the face, poked my breast with her tiny little finger, and proclaimed, "Too big." Indeed. What had I done to myself? When I exercised sweat would run between my new breasts like a river bed, whereas before it had been wonderfully wicked away by fabric. My plunging necklines now looked trashy. Turtlenecks made me look stocky. When I hugged someone my new breasts got in the way. If I pushed myself up and out of a pool they went catter-wonky under the muscle. The implants looked misplaced and odd on my body. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. Mrs. Potato head needed a cocktail.

Eventually my new breasts began to look slightly more real as they eased in to their intended position, although I am not so deluded as to think they could ever pass as the real thing.

Fake breasts look fake. If you have implants, and your friends, upon learning about them from you, have then exclaimed, "Really? I never would have guessed!" know this...they are lying. They have always suspected as much.

Unconsciously I started to compensate for them. I gained weight.

(Image 6 - Me, heavier)

So now my breasts looked more real, but I was no longer amazingly fit. And I missed that. A lot. And the irony of trading one feeling of inadequacy for another wasn't lost on me.

Now join me in the present. I'm 51 and my implants are 15. I've gotten back into good shape again. I'm not "uber-fit" yet, but I'm working on it. :) And no, I have not had my implants removed...yet. "Why not," you ask?

a) Clothing fits better, there's no denying it.

b) I would be admitting to making a stupid decision in the first place.

c) Additional surgery and additional money would be required.

d) Ursula’s Lost Souls would return, but they would now look like Miracle Grow had been applied.

e) All of the above

If you chose E, you are correct.

So 15 years later, I find myself ambivalent. While I don't really love my implants, I'm not really sure what to do about them. We're kind of attached now. Literally.

Sooner or later they're going to blow. That's what implants do. (If you're considering them know that you will eventually have to deal that.) And then I’ll have to make a decision. Do I replace them, or not? I think I now have the confidence to say, "No, thank you. I am fine, as I am." I think so. Maybe. Maybe I am. I hope so.

Because my great sense of fun and mad Frisbee skills really should be enough for everyone, including me.

*** I don't mean to sound judgey. Whatever makes people feel good about themselves is okay by me, and if plastic surgery does it, that's cool. I get it. Every time I accidentally see my reflection in my computer screen before Windows opens up I consider having my face hoisted, as gravity is taking a heavy toll. I am fighting the urge for now, and trying to accept the coming of age with grace and dignity. That being said, I have added the top local plastic surgeon to my speed dial, because you just never know. :)

Little Mermaid image swiped from Disney; please, attorneys, let us know if you're feeling litigious and we'll take it down.

Healthy Pursuits: Wandering Off and Coming Back

2013-04-15T10:27:00.000-04:00

So yeah, in this week's shameless attempt to take a bunch of random stuff and force it into a theme...

Have you ever noticed that life is sometimes a lot more like a circle than a straight line?

We don't so much take off in a straight path with the "old" behind us and the "new" in front of us. Instead, we circle around, visiting new things and returning to old things, and we just hope like hell that there's some interior growth along the way so that each cycle adds more awesomeness and less screwing up.

Or hell, lets call it a Spiral rather than a circle. Because not only can you add another dimension and make it pretty, it comes with the whole fancy transtheoretical theory of change attached to it and makes a blog post sound more sciencey!

Anyway, all this leads to four thoughts I wanted to share:

1. In your quest to lead a healthier and happier life, you could find yourself back in a place you've been before. Do not despair!

This could be on purpose, like when a new dog learns old tricks, or this could be unintentional and feel f--cked up, like the whole two steps forward, one step backward, three more steps backward, huge temper tantrum, five steps forward thing. (Wait, that's not how you're supposed to do it?)

In any event, if you think of change as a spiral in which you could be ascending even as you are circling...then you can "be" at the same place, but at the same time "not be" at the same place at all!

Remember, you have a whole different brain now that knows more things, and has a whole different way of processing the same obstacles, setbacks, and triumphs. So the new experience of a familiar place can be a whole different adventure, with a new perspective and possibly new options.

The trick is to avoid just doing the zombie thing and going through the same old motions unconsciously. Wise brains are for USING, not snacking on.

2. This is one of those sneaky "I'm wandering off" for yet another vacation blog posts.

And yeah, I'm always wandering off from the blog for one reason or another, because hey, I'm spoiled and slothful and am incredibly fortunate and have no intention of blogging at the beach. But at least this time we've a couple of great guest posts coming up and I'm leaving you in good hands.

And it's another example of "same but different." Because yeah, these pre-vacation photos are from last year's Budget Hawaiin Fitness Vacation and the Lobster and I are Coming Back to Hawaii again, hooray!

Best Traveling Companion Evah

And yep, some things don't change. It is yet another cheapskate adventure (off-season roundtrip air for $300 bucks! Condo shared with pals at $50/night per couple! Friend in the rental car business! Costco runs and picnics on the agenda rather than fancy restaurants!)

A Mai Tai please! Oh crap... Forgot to bring a waiter. Or a bar.

On the other hand, we are going to a different island (Maui this time, last time was Big Island) and are vacationing with our San Diego posse rather than beloved Mother in Law, so it will be a different and possibly rowdier adventure. Plus every year I am less of a stressbucket worrywart, so this could be kinda awesome!

3. ~~Quick~~ Question for Regular Cranky Fitness Commenters: Do you "Come Back?"

So most people who show up at Cranky Fitness are just googling something like "hysterectomy recovery" or "best weight loss blogs" or, here's a recent one I can relate to, "heart rate monitors that can be read without reading glasses" ... but these visitors arrive, look around, think "sheesh it's weird here!" and never return.

However, some of you stop by and comment. I love that!

And some of you even stop by and comment, and then Come Back later to see if there has been further discussion. I love that even more! I can't tell you how grateful I am for the sense of community it brings to have a little back and forth down in the comments. Especially with the shitty blogger interface that makes it difficult to figure out how to subscribe to comments (it is, however, possible).

Sadly, I rarely "come back" myself on other blogs, I am just too time-management challenged to be able to pull it off. Which of course makes me even more grateful for the returning folks here.

But anyway, lately I've been going old school here at Cranky Fitness and trying to reply to more comments, at least on posts that are recent and not giveaways. Sometimes I do so right away, but often I get behind and don't get around to it for a day or two.

So, duh: I am fully aware that all this leads to about 9/10 of the reply comments I leave not being read. Which is not exactly efficient!

I have no idea what I'm going to do about this in the long run. It starts to get weird when you reply to most, but not all comments, though I do skip folks with links to commercial sites.

But I'm thinking at least:

If any of you cherished regulars want to let me know if you sometimes come back to read replies, or, alternatively, if you are like me and almost never come back because you are understandably busy, that would be helpful information!

4. I'm Excited about Going on Vacation, But Also Really Excited About Coming Back!

So this is me waving goodbye and hello again, as one of the best things about returning from a vacation is picking back up with everyone here. You guys ROCK!!

Zombie photo:brooklyntyger
Spiral image: entirely subjective

How 'bout you guys, any thoughts about Wandering Off or Coming Back?

Nectresse Monk Fruit Sweetener Giveaway Winners

2013-04-11T09:35:00.000-04:00

And the winners of the monk fruit sweetener are....

AzusMom
AnnF
RunnerGrl

Congrats all!

Please email me (at address on schmooze page) with your mailing info by end of day Monday April 15th. Not that there's anything else you may want to take care of by that deadline that could be slightly more important...

Note: if you missed the giveaway post, here it is in case you are still curious about alternatives to stevia. (And, for those of you with blogs striving to be sneakier, did you catch the shameless example of using "artificial sweeteners" to help innocent strangers find your posts? Though I know most of you probably prefer to go the pure and natural route.)

Bored on the Elliptical?

2013-04-10T11:38:00.001-04:00

Note: this photo is courtesy of HerCampus, which has even more tips for avoiding elliptical boredom.

(And how come I just realized after writing the word boredom that I think I pronounce it as though it were spelled "boredRum" when it seems there is only one R in the word? Crap. I've been doing that for about 50 years now, wonder if anyone noticed?)

Anyway...

Does Anyone Else "Play" on the Elliptical Machine?

If you are a person who uses an elliptical machine, you may have discovered that you need to experiment to keep it from getting excruciatingly tedious. The HerCampus article above has more of a "distraction" approach, whereas immature Crabby prefers a more ridiculous approach...

Dance to da Music!

Music helps, especially if you don't mind looking like an dork and dancing along to it. I am a firm believer in hands-free ellipticalling; way more fun and freeing and I figure there are plenty of other ways to work my arms that don't spoil my cardio. Certain songs just call out for fist pumps, jazz hands, twisty hips, and pogobounding, a term I just made up, and these are all constrained by the use of arm thingies. Note: I am not a role model for proper elliptical form.

Competitive Much?

You people know who you are. :)

Variety!

You can also experiment with different tempos, inclines, resistances and directions. (And yes, at least on some machines you can go sideways as well as forwards and backwards. Warning: you may feel somewhat self-conscious, especially if the machines are close together and this has you peering right at the annoyed person inches away from you. But it works some of those sideways leg and core muscles).

Insanity!

Closing your eyes is for increasing periods of time highly recommended! This will enable you to (a) improve your balance (b) block out the sight of your ugly basement or the line of sweaty asses in front of you if the ellipticals are in the back row of cardio machines at the gym and (c) learn the location of your local hospital emergency room when you make an unplanned high speed exit!

Intervals?

Yes, while awkward, it may be possible for you to do interval training on an elliptical. You crank up the resistance and the speed, and flail away until your legs are on fire. You then proceed to make those horrid gasping noises that inspire anyone within half a mile of you to pump up the volume of their music and squint at you with that WTF-is-your-problem-look.

But don't miss the BEST part of your intervals...

What few people seem to add to this routine is the payoff part during recovery. You have to experiment with the right incline and resistance to find the perfect setting, but basically you bring them both down to the point where the elliptical is moving your legs for you while you catch your breath and wait for the next round of torture.

It's like magic! You are rocking out to your music and the elliptical is dancing you along with no effort on your part! I believe it's all in your mind, just based on a kinesthetic illusion, but that only adds to the fun because YOU get the credit.

Note: works for longer interval protocols, not recommended for Tabatas unless perhaps you are crazy fast with the controls.

A similar but more sedate phenomenon occurs when you step off a treadmill after running really hard on it and find the world whirs by you at a weirdly accelerated rate, as though you have acquired super-powered turbo-charged legs. If you are a "cool down" person you may miss this, but it can be worth checking out as it pairs well with post-exercise endorphins and smugness.

Anyone else play on the elliptical or other exercise machines? Or discover that you've been mispronouncing a word for decades and decades?

Monk Fruit: A Stevia/Splenda Alternative Sweetener That Doesn't Suck? (Review & Giveaway)

2013-04-08T11:34:00.000-04:00

So how did I not hear about monk fruit until now? Duh. I somehow missed the whole thing.

Well, actually, I did recognize "luo han guo," a name that monk fruit also goes by, as one of the ingredients in the sinisterly addictive protein bars I've been scarfing down ever since the Quest Bar Review. But I hadn't really noticed the squat orange jar or packets on the grocercy store shelf until I got a PR email on behalf of the folks at Nectresse. I just thought of it as some obscure ingredient only food manufacturers had access to.

In brief, monk fruit is a natural sweetener with almost no calories or glycemic impact. And you can now get it in most grocery stores as an alternative to splenda, stevia, sugar, agave syrup, or whatever the heck else you use to sweeten things up.

But is it safe? And how does it taste? And what was that bit about a giveaway?

We'll get to all that. Eventually.

But first...

Sweeteners? Who Needs 'Em?

...Crabby, Apparently!

Did we even use that word a couple of decades ago? There was sugar or saccharine. (Something I could never tolerate. I'm still mystified at the continued existence of pink packets.)

Of course I realize the thing most mature, sensible, moderate, healthy eaters do is cut down on not just sugar, but anything sweet and decadent that could either be dangerous or just taste too damn good.

Because we all know that allowing lots of sweet treats can lead to an endless cycle of craving and binging and craving and binging and sobbing and blogging and blah blah blah blah.

Whatever. I say screw maturity, I want my sweets!

If I were a character in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? Not only would I not end up owning the factory, I'd probably eat up all the other contestants, at least if they happened to be dusted with enough stray chocolate particles to seem remotely edible.

However, I am pretty sure that eating a lot of sugar is bad for my long term health, and I'm not convinced that the alternatives are nearly as bad.

So I do sweeteners. Craploads of sweeteners. I stay away from aspartame, and try to avoid mainstream diet soft drinks at least until they can figure out why the hell people who are drinking them are gaining weight and croaking from strokes.

But I've been taking my chances on the sweeteners that don't, so far, seem to be obviously dangerous. I figure my best bet is to mix 'em up, so I can claim to be "moderate" with any particular one, while sweetening every damn thing in sight, from tea and coffee and a variety of faux desserts to weird things like homemade salad dressings and sauces.

I'd been pretty happy with my Trader Joe's Stevia extract, combined with occasional Splenda packets that I figure probably won't kill me any time soon, even if it's true they've been implicated in the mass murder of beneficial gut bacteria. And I use coconut sugar when I need something more "real" for baking, as it's got a lot going for it even though it isn't non-caloric. But if there's a new sweetener in town I might be able to abuse? Sure, I'll check it out!

I ain't a role model here. But then you knew that already.

What's the Deal With MonkFruit Safety?

Well, the first thing to know is that it hasn't been tested all that much in humans, and it lacks decades of rigorous laboratory scrutiny because it's a natural sweetener extracted from a fruit that's been around for ages, and no one had enough of a monetary stake in it to get all sciencey about it. Now that the Splenda people are on it, perhaps there'll be more research.

It's "generally recognized as safe" by the FDA, but, hello? I think power bars made from arsenic, broken glass, rusty nails and razor blades could probably be GRAS given the sometimes whimsical standards of the FDA.

Personally, I wouldn't be surprised if massive doses of monkfruit might end up increasing your risk eyeball cancer or cause you to sprout horns on your head or hear nonexistent harpsichord music at night. Any time you extract something and eat it out of all proportion to how it's found in nature, you could run some risk of it messing with you.

However, it is at least natural and there are no obvious known side effects yet. And one advantage it has over stevia, according a source quoted by the Food Processing Industry Folks:

"Since it comes from a fruit, it basically starts as a juice. Only water is used in the extraction/processing... A true "natural" claim for some stevia could be questioned, as some suppliers of that plant-based sweetener use solvents to extract the steviol glycosides."

And check this out, cavepeople: even Primal Guru Mark Sisson doesn't hate it!

Here's the Daily Apple on monkfruit:

"The monk fruit itself appears to have some interesting components, similar to stevia, including a group of triterpene glycosides (called mogrosides) that are sweet but non-caloric. Like stevia, monk fruit mogrosides have some health effects beyond just being sweet without being caloric."

Monk fruit mogrosides have antioxidant activity;

In a mouse model of diabetes, mogrosides lowered oxidative stress, blood glucose, and improved blood lipids;

One study gave dogs up to 3 grams per kg body weight without affecting body weight, food consumption, hematology, blood chemistry, urinalysis, organ weight, or histopathology, so the monk fruit extract appears to be fairly non-toxic.

Mark's bottom line: "I’d say it’s worth a shot if you’re looking for a non-caloric, natural sweetener, especially if you don’t like the taste of stevia...Verdict: Primal, especially if you’re okay with stevia."

Though of course Mark would prefer you grow your own rather than cart home prepackaged packets from the store, and predictably, mainstream sources suggest moderation. Um, yeah... sure, I'll be all over that.

Are There Other Alternatives besides Nectresse for Monkfruit?

Yes! Though I've only tried one of them. The "Sugar in the Raw" people have also jumped on the orange bandwagon with their own little packets of Monk Fruit In the Raw.

Why is Monk Fruit So Scared to be Alone?

In the two products I've tried, monk fruit has been blended with other stuff, theoretically because it's so intense it needs to chill a little bit with some mellower companions. The Nectresse people use erythritol, sugar, and molasses, and the In The Raw folks use dextrose. I'm not overly concerned about these additions myself, but feel free to google up some research on 'em as that's beyond the scope of this blog post, which is already getting pretty darn long.

Does Monk Fruit Taste Good?

After a series of tests in the Cranky Fitness Laboratories, the Lobster and Crab concluded...

The stuff is a pretty darn convincing sugar substitute!

Note: our tastebuds may be warped and unreliable by our use of other fake sugars. Questions of taste are very subjective.

We'd rank Nectresse as possibly slightly better than Monk Fruit in the Raw, though it was so close we couldn't be entirely sure. Both monkfruits beat out my favorite stevia, and Nectresse seemed about equivalent to Splenda, which I actually like and would consume more of if it wasn't being all mean to my gut bacteria. Though it took perhaps a bit more Nectresse to achieve the same sweetness as Splenda.

I haven't tried baking with Nectresse other than a quick microwave chocolate cake, combined with coconut sugar, and it seemed to do fine. Maybe slightly more artificial than sugar but pretty darn tasty.

Most Shocking Horrible Discovery of All

Something I found over at the Sugar in the Raw site that I never knew?

A packet of sweetner can contain Three calories even if says it has Zero Calories!

That's not "rounding." That's "lying!" The fact that the FDA allows this, and companies use it to misrepresent a product as having less than .5 calories per serving (the normal, sane interpretation of "0," while still allowing for rounding) when the product can have up to 6 times as much, pisses me the hell off.

I have no idea if Nectresse does the same thing, I shoulda asked, but if anyone knows please pass along the info. I should probably find out if the approximately 700 packets a day I'll be consuming will have some caloric implications.

And now ... The Giveaway!

We've got a container of Nectresse with 140 servings, plus a box of 40 packets, for THREE giveaway winners. Alas, U.S. mailing addresses only. If you are selected and aren't eligible, you can either choose a winner yourself or I'll redraw.

To enter, leave a comment below!

To Up your Chances: in a sneaky effort to ~~goose the google~~, er, help people find information on monk fruit more easily, if you link to this post from somewhere, let me know in the comments and you get two entries. If you're really clever and link using a searchable word or phrase like "monkfruit review" or "stevia alternative" or any darn thing people might type into a search box, you get four entries.

But I'll make sure to reserve one prize for those who are blogless or twitterfree or pin-tless or faceless and can't leverage their social media addiction to do more than one entry.

Winner announced this Thursday April 11th and you'll have until end of day Monday April 15th to email and claim your prize or I'll redraw.

What do you think of sweeteners, are you a fan or do prefer to just use sugar?

Cake Girl Photo swiped (yet again) from Plan59

Do You Bother With Baselines? April Goals & Giveaway

2013-04-02T10:46:00.000-04:00

So for those who are new here, this is a monthly Cranky Fitness feature in which Cranketeers check in about goals, or maintenance, or life in general, and offer each other support and encouragement by replying to each other's comments.

We've got a couple of nifty MOVband activity monitors as a giveaway at the end of the month, for those who like to measure stuff to see how they’re improving. (Though sadly, this is one of those "U.S." only giveaways, sorry).

And, in my usual awkward attempt to link the giveaway items with some sort of theme, I thought I’d offer a couple quick thoughts on whether or not to bother establishing "baselines."

No, not the kind you have to hit a baseball on the correct side of or it’s foul.

Or, if you prefer, “fowl”.

No, I mean the sort of baseline that establishes exactly how pathetic or awesome you are currently, before you start messing around with some new sort of plan or scheme to get better results.

Oh, and, we'll also find out who the winner of last month’s Polar HRM Monitor is!

Baselines: Where the Heck are You Starting?

Sometimes it may be profitable to take a little time, anywhere from a few minutes to many months, to get more information about baselines before getting all hardcore about a new program or goal.

For example, say you wanna eat healthier, exercise more, and lose weight. Great!

Would it be helpful to have some clue what and how much you’re eating now, and how much and what kind of moving around you’re doing? Or would you rather just start doing things differently, content with the vague notion that you kind of suck now and would like to suck less in the future?

Why You Might Want to Establish a Baseline:

For some people, this can be useful to:

1. Ease the transition from thinking about changing to actually doing stuff differently. Not only is tracking existing behavior a convenient way to put a toe in the water of a possibly chilly but invigorating lifestyle change, but strangely enough, separating out the "self-observation" part from the "have to do anything about it" part can help you get better at both.

2. Get more information about what you're dealing with. The more you know about your existing habits and patterns, the better shot you’ll have at finding good opportunities to troubleshoot and design your environment to encourage success and avoid self-sabotage.

3. Establish an "It’s All Good: mindset." By measuring before you start changing things up, you can relax a bit about how much you might suck, because you're determined to make things better. And heck, you’ll notice improvements more quickly if you have a long ways to go!

Or, conversely, if things are not as bad as you thought, that’s great news too!

4. Motivation Boost: getting specific about what and how much you want to change can lead to concrete targets, which can get some people really fired up in a way that “I want to be better” just doesn’t seem to.

For example, after years on the sidelines, I recently started running again despite a history of plantar fasciitis, probably a bonehead move. And, not shockingly, I run a lot slower than I used to. But finding out how long it takes me to run a given distance is a strangely compelling piece of data! Now that I know what my baseline is, I’m way more eager to try to improve it.

5. Discouragement-Prevention. Change is often kinda f--cked up in the way it goes back and forth and up and down unpredictably. Knowing where you started, particularly if it seems embarrassing and pathetic now, will really help you down the line when you’re in a slump and tempted to forget how far you’ve come.

On the other hand…

Why You Might Want to Just Say Screw It and Jump Right in

These are far more self-explanatory, and you’re all probably bored by now anyway, so let’s keep this brief.

1. It’s too darn depressing to confront your current starting place and it just makes you want to crawl under the covers and weep.

2. You’re so psyched and full of momentum you don’t want to wait a second to start making changes, and you have a short enough attention span that you could get swallowed up by the internet trying to research measuring devices and tracking options and end up on the other side of a web wormhole watching sea urchins mate on youtube to the musical accompaniment of Enya, self-improvement plans long forgotten.

3. Tracking of any kind seems like a huge pain in the ass and you figure "you'll know it when you see it" in terms of changes for the better.

In any of these instances, then the hell with the baseline, just charge right ahead!

About the Activity Bands

You can learn more at the MOVABLE site; these are also designed to be used on a larger scale by companies or institutions, if you happen to have one that is trying to challenge everyone to get their butt moving.

Cribbing from promotional literature, you can:

Track your movement with our easy-to-use, wrist-worn activity monitor that records all movement, not just steps. The MOVband is equipped with three modes, making it easy to switch from time, to daily moves, to total move mileage.

About these Goal Posts and Giveaways

We're easy here!

A goal or aspiration could be about anything and it doesn't have to be healthy. Or you could be an anti-goal person who thinks goals are counterproductive but nonetheless have some interesting observations about your own inner workings or experiences or practical advice for others.

And while there is a giveaway component, the real point of these posts is that it's easier to stay on track with our continuing efforts to make our lives better when we know others care how we're doing!

If you'd like to join us, the post is "open" all month, and I'll be reading and commenting as will a few hardy regulars, even if we all do tend to slack off a bit after the initial week or so. (And hey, it occurs to me that the inherent drop-off is actually a good subliminal advertisement for life coaching! Because you can't wander away as easily from your self-accountability if you have a life coach on your ass every week wondering how you're doing).

Giveaway winners will be chosen by Random Number generator, but as usual, a smaller secret group of participants will be nominated by me based on participation and/or other arbitrary indicators of awesomeness. And sorry again about the U.S. only thing.

Winners have a week to check back to discover if they've won. And winners who don't think they'd use the prize or are from an ineligible country who check in in time can still "win" in that if they'd like, they can choose whom they'd like to have the prize go and feel all generous. Otherwise I'll re-draw.

And finally, Last Month's Polar HRM Winner is...

Walking with WalkerLady! Congratulations!

Any thoughts on baselines? How did goals go last month and what's next on tap for April?

San Diego Chicken via Rolling Stone

Pranks A Lot

2013-04-01T08:16:00.000-04:00

Our "goals" post for April will be up tomorrow, and that's when the Polar HRM winner from last months post will be announced. We're in the car today, traveling back from a fun and busy visit with friends and relatives in the SF bay area--too short, as we didn't get to visit many folks we'd have liked to! On the other hand, even unplugging for a few days has gotten me hideously behind on all things internet. (I may be a slacker, but at least I like to keep it fresh with new excuses every week for not getting sh-t done).

But anyway, even though I'm not really blogging today, I do feel it my duty to warn those like me, who are often cheerfully oblivious as to what day of any given month it might be... to perhaps take a look at a calendar or other time-measuring device of some sort.

I know I'm a party pooper, but I want you all to be wary in case you should encounter any pranks and practical jokes today.

Can I just say I am not a fan?

What the heck is so "practical" about practical jokes, anyway? The only kind I like are of the Victimless, Innocent, Cute and Entertaining variety. (Which I guess means I'm a big fan of VICE? Actually, that sounds about right.)

So sure, if someone wants to break into our place and clean it all up while we're gone and decorate it with balloons and banners and leave a weeks worth of wholesome home-cooked meals in the freezer and leave us scratching our heads as to who could have done such an audacious thing... rock on!

But the more common kind of prank, in which people are subjected to unpleasant experiences for the amusement of others, particularly when they are being ridiculed for all-too-human reactions they might have to encountering something unexpected? I hate those.

(I am already on record as being easily embarrassed.)

And yet, hmm, I felt like I had to have a funny prank picture at the top of this blog post...

Oops.

OK, so this moment of total hypocrisy has been brought to you by Cranky Fitness. You're welcome!

So have a great April 1st and be careful out there today!

Water Prank picture via Graphicshunt.com

Glute Activation and Strengthening: Ask the Trainer

2013-03-27T10:41:00.000-04:00

Let's talk about asses, shall we?

Feet don't fail me n... oh. Never mind.

So the question for this installment of Ask The Personal Trainer is:

What's the deal with "glute activation," is something you work with people on? And if so, why is important and what's your approach?

"Glute activation" was a term I'd been hearing tossed around on various websites, and curious about the difference between active and lazy asses, and how to have one of the former rather than the latter, I thought I'd ask a couple of our trusty personal trainers. Plus, I'll weigh in, just 'cause I have an ass myself and it's my blog.

So, what is glute activation and how does one build a better butt?

Can't I Just Pay These Guys?

First up we have...

Chris Kelly!

[Chris Kelly is a fitness writer and personal training studio owner. He specializes in quick and effective workout routines to fit fitness/nutrition in to a busy schedule. Check out his blog at Peak Wellness online.]

In discussions around my gym, the glutes are referred to as the "money maker" by the majority of my clients. By this, I mean that I feel the size and muscularity of one's posterior region is a direct indicate of health, strength and overall bad-ass-ness.

The glutes act as the work horse for virtually any activity which involves movement of the pelvis--from bending over to pick something up to sprinting across a soccer field.

If the glutes are weak or inhibited, other muscles such as the hamstrings (back of the leg muscles) and spinal erectors (low back) are forced to do more work to produce the same movements. Because these muscles are not meant to perform this task, we often get strains and chronic pain in these areas-- not to mention looking flabby in a two piece.

For trainers, this means the idea of "glute activation" has become popular in the last few years as we have become a more sedentary society. But the question everyone is asking is how can we wake up the butt (or money maker) to get the best return on exercise investment?

Here is a step by step process (click on each step for a video):

1. Perform this glute testing exercise to see if your glutes are actually weak. If you cramp in your hamstrings or are unable to hold the pelvis up, it is an indication you are dealing with some degree of glute weakness/inhibition.
2. Stretch the hip flexors (muscles which get tight and turn the glutes off).
3. Perform this bridge exercise to activate your glutes. Hold for 30 seconds and grab your butt to ensure these muscles are contracting and firing versus the hamstrings.
4. Perform this exercise progression to strengthen your glutes.

I will also add the best reference for getting a great butt is my colleague Bret Contreras. Known as the "glute guy," Bret is something of a mad scientist when it comes to the glutes and trains a litany of women from top figure competitors to stay at home moms.

What I really like about Bret is he has carved out his results by getting women strong in basic lifts such as the squat, deadlift and hip lift while down playing the dogma of excessive cardio training. After getting over the initial shock of watching women hip lift several hundred pounds, you will likely find hours of fun/torture in his approach.

And next up it's...

Dave Smith!

[Dave Smith is a personal trainer who specializes in quick and effective body weight exercise routines that can be done anywhere, anytime - Check him out at MakeYourBodyWork.com]

I am definitely a butt-man! (meaning of course that I do think it's important to focus on glute strengthening). Here are two important reasons why "glute activation" deserves some extra attention:

1. Glutes = Core. Core training is often thought to be synonymous with ab exercises but this is only partially true. Your "core" is just that - it's the middle section of your body. That means it includes your stomach, lower back, and hips. Training this area is crucial because all movement originates from our core.

For example, think about running and quickly tell me what body parts are required for this simple movement. Legs - yes, but before the legs are even involved, a running stride is initiated from the hips. We don't really think of it this way because our core muscles are relatively stationary while our legs and arms are the body parts that are obviously in motion.

Glutes are part of the core. In fact, the glutes are also a key player in a running stride. Once your foot contacts the ground it's a combination of your glutes, hamstrings, and quads that create an explosive movement to push your body forward. Long story short - Glutes are part of every movement because glutes reside in the core of the body.

2. Weak Glutes = Injury. Weak glutes create a missing link in many movements. The slack must be picked up somewhere so our bodies quickly begin to compensate by using other muscles (often the hamstrings and lower back). This can result in tight muscles and eventually injury.

Training Your Glutes

Watch this common exercise, but notice a few key points that will help target the glutes more effectively.

And finally we have...
Crabby McSlacker!

[Crabby is a Health and Fitness blogger, but sadly, has never gotten around to sculpting a nice ass. It's on her "Must Do Soon" list, which means she will get to it by about 2024... by which time said ass will probably reside somewhere south of her knees.]

I can't remember where I first heard the term "glute activation." But the notion was vaguely alarming. Could my glute muscles be sitting around (so to speak) just waiting to be useful...at the gym or on the trail or even in the supermarket, yet feeling too shy and inhibited to show up for the party? Afraid to step into the spotlight, nudged aside by other more confident muscles like quads who feel like they get to takeover whenever they feel like it, even if the poor wallflower glutes would do a way better job of it?

Well, I never got official about testing anything, and I was too lazy to embark on a whole glute strengthening program, but one thing I did experiment with that I'd like to pass on:

Think About Your Ass.

Weirdly, the more I do this in a variety of exercisey situations, the more I find the glutes are feeling more spunky and confident and are pitching in more than they used to.

I already make a spectacle of myself at the gym, so while the sight of me occasionally slapping my own butt on the elliptical or giving it a quick squeeze as I slide into a leg press machine might look odd, it's no weirder than my silently screaming along to my playlist or dancing on the treadmill or any number of other strange things I do there.

I even notice a biomechanical difference just by remembering to stick the ol' hiney out a bit more than I used to whenever I bend over, whether it's to pick up a heavy weight at the gym, or just re-test the validity of the five second rule when I toss my lunchtime salad too enthusiastically.

One odd thing: sometimes I'll catch the right side sleeping while the left side is working just fine. A quick grab or slap and I can turn the other cheek... on. (Sorry!)

So what about you guys, what do you think about your butts, are they strong and active?

Photos:
Statue: Thomas
Butt construction: animalkitty

Workout Work-Arounds

2013-03-25T09:10:00.000-04:00

Perhaps your reliable ol' gym just closed for construction.

Or maybe you fell down and broke your crown, or alligators and brain-eating amoebas have infested the swimming pool at the local Y, or your favorite Zumba teacher just converted to a religion in which ass-shaking is strictly prohibited.

What happens when you are forced to switch to an entirely new way of exercising? Some people quit, that's one option. Others figure out a way to suck it up and forge on ahead.

Cranky Fitness regulars know that I've written this same "take lemons and make lemonade" post 90 bazillion times before. Whatever! When life stops with the lemonning, I'll shut up about the lemonade.

So what recent trauma inspired these latest musings on how to deal with messed up workout routines?

No, I haven't injured myself again, thank goodness!

The source of my frustration is...

The abomination known as Windows 8!

Yep... I've been forced to deal with the new operating system the last few days, as I am replacing my old f--ked up computer before it dies completely. The old computer which, come to think of it, I just used in another tortured exercise analogy recently! Computers are on the brain lately, lucky readers. And um, yeah, talk about "first world problems?"

Anyway, so these Workout Workarounds are inspired by the Evil Windows 8... mainly because I wanted an excuse to rant about it for a few paragraphs. But bear with me and we'll get to fitness stuff sooner or later.

You tablet people are probably fine with it, but are there any other "regular" computer people forced to make the switch who are also wishing they could kick some Microsoft Executive ass? Sigh. I know I need to chill.

OK, that helps. Realizing that those responsible for completely derailing my online productivity (such as it is) are really just poor little monkeys doing the best they can! Strange though, that a company as large as Microsoft couldn't afford to hire or consult with actual humans.

You Mac people may now giggle and gloat all you want.

OK Now, Since this is a Fitness Blog: "Windows 8 as Gym" Metaphor!

To explalin the Windows operating system changes in a fitness-friendly way, lets pretend that the computer is a health club and you are a member.

And say this facility was closed for remodeling and expansion, and it opens up again and you're all excited! So the first day you go there and what do you find?

Well, it is sleek! They've put in some nice looking sparkly tiles.

But wait...everything you have ever used before and liked is gone!

Instead, all that is available for you is a very small collection of items someone else has gathered that you would never choose yourself.

Since this was touted as a big improvement, you are pretty darn sure at least some of the old stuff must be around somewhere, so you go to the front desk to ask for assistance.

But there's no front desk! Having "help" available where you could find it was too cluttery looking. There is no directory you can discover that lists where the gyms "programs" you used to participating in are now happening, or tells you how/when the facility shuts down or opens up again.

You randomly wander around a little and sometimes see a glimpse of something hopeful, but then you try to get back there again and you can't find it again. The doors even seem to lock behind you so that you can't just go backwards one step to return to where you just came from.

Oh, and then you finally do find a few things that work for you, hooray! But you have to travel through many, many different areas to get to the same stuff that used to all be one one place. It takes you five times as long to accomplish the same thing.

You think seriously about quitting this "remodeled" gym and finding one just like your old one, but when you go out looking you discover that... none of the laptops at Costco at $600 or less run on Windows 7 anymore! And yeah, ok, enough with the freakin' gym analogy.

Work-Around Tips:

So now that I'm finally settling in with the new computer, let's pretend that the lessons I learned have something to do with how to deal with the mental trauma of a brand new unwelcome exercise routine. And hey, how about some more strained computer/fitness analogies, illustrated by turning the camera around on myself and random objects found in my immediate environment? Because lets see... perhaps the Futuristic High Tech Cranky Fitness Multi-Media Production Studio is not quite yet open for business?

1. Rant and Scream and Complain Bitterly

Whether it's a computer of fitness issue, most of us need to vent for a bit before we get all plucky and resourceful. If you don't have blog readers to torture, try talking it out with friends or loved ones. (Note: duct tape and rope and/or shackles may be required to ensure a receptive and cooperative audience).

2. Overthink Every Aspect and Research Alternatives To Death and Pretend You are Not Just Procrastinating:

Again, works well for either computer problems or fitness! Keeping your brain busy thinking about your dilemma is a lot more fun than doing anything about it. But, as a bonus, you may actually discover new approaches or resources.

3. Incorporate Favorite Aspects of the Old Familiar Experience.

In the case of the sinister and malevolent Windows 8, the most awesome thing I discovered was the existence of free "shell" programs like Classic Shell that will take you back to whatever previous version of Windows you desire. You can proceed to ignore the horrid new interface unless you accidentally hit a key you didn't mean to.

As to exercise, alas, I do not believe you can download a shell program to make a safe-for-your-joints pool resemble a favorite running trail, or turn a cross fit gym into a downhill ski run.

However, what do you most like about your workout? Is it a convenience thing, an outdoor thing, a competitive thing, a interesting mix of cardio and intervals and endurance, a chance to wear cute clothes or chat with your workout buddies?

Try to see if you can take something from your preferred environment into the new, more sucky alternative.

For me, MUSIC IS ABSOLUTELY OBLIGATORY!

4. Take Mind-Altering Drugs or Otherwise Bribe Yourself

Any of a number of legal or illegal drugs may help with computer problems; I suspect with Windows 8, especially for those not using shell programs, use of long-term heavy psychotropic medication may be required.

As to exercise, if you do not suffer unpleasant side effects from caffeine, consider temporarily quadrupling your customary intake of coffee or tea or other energy-enhancing concoctions to get through the initial "this sucks I hate it" phase.

It's amazing what you can endure while so buzzed you feel like your head might explode in a pleasant burst of rainbows and flowers and fireworks and fluffy kittens!

Alternatively, motivate/spoil yourself in whatever other manner you think appropriate.

5. Phone It In

Transition periods are tough; do NOT expect the same level of performance, enthusiasm, follow-through, or kick-ass heroics while you are trying to get used to a new computer... or a new workout.

6. Keep it in Perspective.

Remember that the quests to become fit and productive are lifelong, and that along the way there will be many roadblocks, whether they be injured body parts or hilariously awful computer programs. They may loom large in the moment, but chances are you'll barely recall these tragedies years from now. So don't waste too much time stressin'!

And while most of the inevitably unflattering photos of me from long ago are hidden in a basement box in Provincetown, a high school yearbook turned up on the west coast recently! It served to remind me that I used to play tennis in my youth, something I would totally suck at now if my foot problems would even allow me to try. On the other hand, back then I couldn't have done a pull-up to save my life. Accomplishments come and go and come and go!

(And goodness did I have crappy posture back then!)

So, have any of you had to endure a workout or computer or other disruptive transition? How did you cope?

Photo credits:
Construction: Engrishfunny.com
Lemonade: SomeEcardsT
Windows 8: Somewhere off Techstation.org
Monkeys: Funnypicks.com

Do Just One Thing... Less!

2013-03-20T14:39:00.000-04:00

So originally this was going to be an "Ask the Trainer" post, until I realized I'd actually forgotten to Ask one of the Trainers! So later I guess on that.

And then I thought, hey, what about a Wordless Wednesday post, that'll be quick! But that would require finding a copyright-free image so earth-shattering it would shut me up entirely, and that quest would not ultimately be any sort of time-saver.

Part of the reason I got a late start posting is I was having fun swingin' in the park, and then got caught up in email, which I get a lot of, and I was pondering the thought-provoking Just One Thing missive I receive that was all about Giving (and asking, and communicating, and other similar things).

So I thought, well, maybe I'll write a post about that!

But it turned out I had too many conflicting and convoluted thoughts on giving and asking. Seriously, it could be a 30,000 word post and I didn't even know where to start. Ain't gonna happen today.

Problem is, soon I need to go to the pound, even though we are not supposed to call it that, where dogs and cats depend on volunteer helpers. But it IS a pound in the sense that they euthanize animals if they get too overcrowded. And staff is so overworked that an abandoned animal can go days and days without petting or exercise, which stresses them out and makes them even less adoptable. Thus the need for volunteers who get to come in and do the fun stuff while staff has to give shots etc.

Which could be part of the theme of giving! But really it isn't because I enjoy it too much. I'm a Cat Volunteer and I get a Badge and a Smock and get to pet and play with kitties, yay!

Happily, this poor sweet sad guy has been adopted!

Of course I could pretend this nonpost is about putting poor kitties above blog stuff, but that would be a total load of crap. I could just write a real post later tonight because who the hell cares when Cranky Fitness posts come out? But I have other things planned that I'd rather do, and time is up for the Blog for today, and I am trying to follow my own advice about consciously choosing priorities rather than feeling imprisoned by usual routines.

So this is one of those posts (I've done it before as regulars might recall), where I prattle on about not doing stuff to plant the idea in your mind that there may be something YOU TOO could not do today! Or, as in this case, do a half-assed job of, and cross it off your list in a fraction of the amount of time a Good Job would take.

Then go out and do something you really want to do instead!

Anyone else need a "get out of work free" card? See any opportunities today or in the near future to use it?

Card Photo: happyworker.com
Couch figure: no f--cking clue where I first found it, sorry.

Quick Personality Test!

2013-03-18T09:52:00.000-04:00

So being the world's most half-assed Twitter participant, I rarely catch cool stuff as it scrolls on by. Which is too bad because there are all kinds of great Tweeple Twittering away all kinds of Tweemendous links.

And yep, every time someone writes one of those "what not to do on Twitter!" lists, I hit pretty much every bullet point. Swear words and offensive tweets? Check! Failure to RT or engage in conversations? Check! Just tweeting if and when I feel like it instead of on a sensible schedule? Check!

But here's a cool thing: I stumbled upon on a fun blogger/health writer on Twitter last week.
And so, intrigued, I ventured over to her blog and stole this post! Which, I'm thinking, is, um, just being friendly, right? I also discovered she has an awesome ebook you guys will like, which I will tell you more about at the end.

So this is courtesy of Helen Foster (@healthehelen) over at Health-e-Helen. Check her out!

But first here's the personality test. It takes less than five seconds. And try it FIRST before you skim down to see what it means.

Instructions: Draw the letter E on your forehead.

(Hint: you may want to use your finger instead of a writing implement. But whatever! Go ahead and use indelible ink and start a new trend.)

And just so you don't cheat, here are a couple distraction images from the archives to keep you from glancing down too quickly.

Okay... hello? Hello? Remember you were reading Cranky Fitness and there was something about a big E?

Ah good. Welcome back!

(And brief apologies to hetero dudes and nonhetero gals but for images of scantily clad female models: check out the whole freaking world wide web).

So, back to our test:

Did you draw your E so that YOU could read it if you looked straight through your head? Or did you draw it so that someone ELSE looking at the imaginary E on your forehead could read it?

Apparently, you are more empathic if you draw the E so that it can be read by an onlooker.

(An onlooker who just happens to be using your forehead as an eye test because they're too cheap to pay an optometrist? Seriously? How would this come up in real life? Yet empathic folks will bend over backward to make sure not to inconvenience imaginary onlookers viewing their imaginary forehead drawings by orienting them the wrong way. God we humans are WEIRD.)

Full disclosure: I came out empathic the first time but then just happened to retest on the fly later in the day, and the second time it was totally natural to be a self-absorbed asshole who didn't care at all about random strangers who might want to look at my forehead to see if they had astigmatism.

Sounds about right.

Buy Helen's Ebook!

Gymspiration, the ebook I think you should buy, is less than four bucks. If you liked mine, or even just pretended you did, you'll love hers as it's similar in tone, though I will say it lacks the cursing so you may have to supply your own. It's got 52 great ideas for mixing up your workout when you get that point where if you had to choose between the treadmill and having a colonoscopy...you'd choose the colonoscopy.

The book is quick and fun, very funny, down to earth, and manages to be encouraging without being too rainbows-and-sunshine. Most of the ideas I hadn't tried, and even those I'd stumbled on myself were great reminders and presented in a way that made me think, "why the hell aren't I doing that any more?"

You can buy it off the Gymspiration page on her site, which lets you figure out what format you want and whether you're UK or US whatever you're from.

Or you can see if this Gymspiration on Amazon link works and get it that way.

Oh, and unlike some slacky bloggers we could mention, Helen has published a whole bunch of actual books with physical pages you can turn, crease, and spill coffee and muffin crumbs on. If ebooks ain't your thing, Helen's Amazon Author page has lots of intriguing titles.

Do you mix up your exercise routine? What do you think of the "E" personality test, bogus or brilliant? Do you believe in personality tests at all?

Photos:
Personality: Thomas Hawk
Cupcake and Italian Soccer Team: I forget.

New Directions!

2013-03-13T14:09:00.000-04:00

And no, I'm not referring to the "New Directions" choir, featuring the fictional misfits of Glee. But hey, wouldn't it be fun to have costumes and professionally choreographed musical numbers to celebrate every new direction we take in life?

"Honey, I wonder if we should think about switching to a 'greener' toilet bowl cleaner? This stuff is probably pretty toxic..."

Cue music and lights... roll in the tile bathroom backdrops and 80 ft tall shower curtain and giant 3 story toilet, and then ... let's all dance and sing about the virtues of environmentally friendly cleaning products while dressed as scrub brushes amidst clouds of swirling turquoise bubbles!

[And hell, now that we're in the bathroom anyway, here's a complete digression for which I blame our good pal Leah at The Goat's Lunch Pail and "The Kitsch Bitsch." It's a rather astounding retro musical inducement to get your kids to consider taking a New Direction in personal hygiene. But if your sons all turn out totally gay as a result don't say I didn't warn you].

Anyway, back to the "New Directions" thing.

Do you ever struggle a bit with a sense that it might be time to head in a New Direction, yet you're still kind of attached to the Old Direction?

And yet going in many directions at once can be difficult?

And yes, this IS one of those self-indulgent, endless, "what's going on with Crabby and the blog" posts, how did you guess? Sorry about that. But I need some advice and you guys are always so smart and helpful.

Plus I'm thinking this post can also serve as a continuation of our March Goal Support discussion, for those who wouldn't mind a fresher, less crowded place to check in. Though the old post is still good too, I'll keep visiting, and both will work for Polar purposes. (And for those of you who are not regular Cranketeers and have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, see the most recent Goal Post for details).

But first off, an announcement!

So here's an upcoming online workshop that looks great, and it at least arguably fits in with today's New Directions theme:

The FitBottomed Girls can help you "Break Up With the Scale Once and for All!"

Jennipher Walters is one of the smartest, most sensible fitness bloggers on the planet (and plus I've met her and she's REALLY NICE) and this looks to be a great class. I know too many women who feel so frustrated by the self-esteem slamming cycle of dieting/weighing/sobbing, who might really benefit from heading in a New Direction in fit and healthy living. Plus, at $49 for a whole month of weekly classes, it's very reasonably priced as well!

Lots more info at the above link and at FBG Life and there's also some registration info here.

OK, Now On With the Show...

Crabby's "New Directions" Dilemma

eBook?
Those of you who've been following the goal check-ins since January know that I'm working on a second eBook. Unlike the first one, this one is going to be entirely new material. I'm really psyched about it and I'm having a blast with it. However, it's going slowly because I'm struggling to find enough time for it.

Will this next ebook be a revenue-generating, traffic-bringing, publicity-attracting, best-selling, viral marketing machine? Alas, conventional wisdom would predict otherwise.

It's not even primarily about fitness or nutrition or weight loss, which will make marketing it off this website especially challenging.

Oh, and could I pick a tougher demographic to market to? Basically, it's a "how to be a hell of a lot happier" book written for a very specific audience: skeptical people of above-average intelligence. Yep, the very people who most loathe self help books!

Yet it's my contention that often folks with highly developed critical thinking skills actually struggle more to feel peaceful and upbeat and happy than gullible wishful thinkers do. Many conventional methods do not work for us. As a semi-reformed cranky worrywart party-pooper myself, I have amassed a bunch of tips, tricks and strategies that I think could be helpful! Or at least vaguely amusing.

Am I concerned about the fact this may take up a lot of time to write and no one else may want to read it but me? Not so much! My reasons for writing it are weird and complicated and could be the subject of yet another huge long blathering blog post, but trust me, I'm feeling very motivated.

Coaching?
Many readers also know I have a Life and Wellness Coaching business. And wow, after a tentative and experimental entry into this odd-sounding profession, I've discovered I LOVE it! So much more fun and rewarding than being a psychotherapist was, even if that sounded fancier and got more professional respect at cocktail parties. I suspect the awesomeness of clients drawn mainly from the Cranky Fitness crowd has a LOT to do with it.

However, I haven't paid nearly enough attention to marketing the practice. I haven't updated the lamish website, or gotten a newsletter going, or done any of the other multitude of things one needs to do to grow a professional practice. All I do is periodically discount my rates to sometimes absurdly low levels, which totally made sense when I was first starting off (and I'd still like to have some low income slots).

But I'm start to take myself more a little more seriously, and I'm totally blown away sometimes by the profound changes coaching can bring. I BELIEVE in it now! And yet I can't help but notice that many coaches and personal consultants, often male, are perfectly comfortable charging way more than I do even if they are not any better qualified. So I'm starting to rethink the bargain-basement approach to marketing. I don't actually suck at this coaching thing, and my many years of being a therapist help bring additional skills to the table. I still want to be reasonable, but not necessarily cheaper then everyone else in the world.

What I need to figure out is: how to find and market to more people who are willing/able to make the financial investment in themselves that coaching requires. Strangely enough, waiting around for people to find me on my blog may not be sufficient to accomplish this!

For a lower-cost coaching option, I'd love to start putting on workshops, both virtual and in the real physical world. I have tons of ideas. (And a main theme might be: Workshops for People Who Hate Workshops! No Flowery Affirmations or Forced Sharing Required!) But, and we've got a theme going here, I haven't actually done anything but daydream.

Ultimately, other Coaching-Gone-Wild fantasies might include putting on wellness/self-confidence/life transition/goal achievement retreats, with tasty healthy food and (always optional) outdoor activities in scenic locations. Starting, with, um, Provincetown MA or San Diego CA perhaps? Wouldn't that be fun? Or hey, a full line of fun products including books and videos and audio downloads and funny t-shirts and coffee mugs and who the hell knows what else?

And don't even get me started on our cruise line...

Blogging?

Longtime readers know that I used to do a hell of a lot more with Cranky Fitness as a blog. (Daily posts! Cobloggers! Actual informative fitness and nutrition posts in which I'd research the fuck out of something and go on for 10,000 words only to conclude at the end that it's complicated and scientists still haven't made up their minds yet about what you should do!)

And while the blog is not what it used to be, I love the way the sense of community seems to be growing even as my posting and blog visiting and social media presence gets more and more sketchy. I love you guys and don't want to lose any of you!

Speed the Hell Up?
I'm well aware that people who are productive and efficient might laugh hysterically at how little I manage to get done in a day. Yet they can laugh all they want because I'm pretty happy moving at my own daydreamy doddering smell-the-flowers pace. After 50 plus years I don't see that changing any time soon. So productivity gains would need to come from letting go of stuff or getting more efficient, not from moving at a faster pace. My relative peace of mind took too long to achieve to risk losing by trying to blitz through my days.

Any Ideas? What Would You Guys Suggest?
I want to do more than just daydream about these new directions. And I don't want to sacrifice too much in the way of sleep, volunteer work, physical activity, my own schlocky personal growth stuff, healthy cooking and shopping, or family and social obligations etc. I suspect there are ways I could do more in terms of reaching my goals in the same amount of time, but I'm such a creature of habit!

Sound Familiar?
Yep, this dilemma is all too common, and in fact, I love to help coaching clients with this! But this is MY life, and isn't it funny how hard it is to be objective about your own stuff?

I have some thoughts, but it occurs to me that before I go down old familiar pathways and end up surprised that I'm somehow I'm in the same place again...

Hey, wait I have an awesome resource: blog readers! And I'd be a crappy life coach if I forgot how helpful it can be use existing valuable resources to help with new challenges.

So do any of you have any specific ideas or general strategies or encouraging words that might help me? Anyone else contemplating taking some New Directions or have some past experience with it? Or, how are you doing on your March Goals?

Glee photo swiped from GleeWikia
Birds: Wild Photons

Greedy and Grateful..."Naturally!"

2013-03-11T11:08:00.000-04:00

So, I'm back from the Natural Products Expo West with an exciting report about everything that's new and hot and happening in the industry!

OK, let's be honest. I'm really back with some vague impressions and a bloated belly and the vestiges of a sugar coma and some random business cards and a HUGE CRAPLOAD of free samples.

Ah, life is good.

And yes, we did stick to the "one bag" rule, but there were two of us and we also had backpacks. Plus we were determined and relentless. While other members of the media were out interviewing natural product purveyors in order to obtain helpful information for their readerships, we were making sure we got our fair share of free snacks.

This show was huge and we pretty much covered ever food booth in the joint.

I'd declared in advance that this would be an "all bets are off" "eat whatever you want" day because, hello, all you can eat FREE natural products?

So I was kind of curious: would there be a point at which I would "naturally" feel sated and satisfied and stop eating?

As it turns out: the answer was NO. Kinda what I thought. Self restraint? I haz none.

Yep, I must have deforested an entire acre of (hopefully sustainable) wood with the number of toothpick-speared morsels I scarfed, and I nearly drowned in a sea of natural teas, sodas, waters and other beverages. Seriously, I am not sure I will ever be able to look at another drawn and quartered power bar or cup full of kettlecorn or natural soda without feeling slightly barfy.

Anyway, while I may try to round up some review/giveaway opportunities in the future, I did a predictably shitty job at remembering which companies I flirted with and which ones seemed unapproachable and which products were yummy and which ones were weird.

In general, there were lots of interesting products I'd never seen in stores, although a good part of the show seemed to be dedicated to Power Bars, Chips, Kettlecorn, Yogurt and Chocolate in many and varied forms. My particular interest is in finding low-sugar, low-carb, naturally sweetened versions of tasty treats, and I found a few promising leads that I may follow up on and tell you about. There are a LOT more natural sweetener options than there used to be, for example.

However, we all know that the healthiest thing to eat is wholesome whole foods, and this was not a farmer's market. This was all about the "fun" snacky desserty part of eating a healthy diet, where you're trying to find alternatives to WTF mainstream conventional options. This was not about the 80-90% of daily food choices. And in fact, lots of these "natural" products were basically junk food made with "cane sugar" instead of HFCS. Which made roaming the aisles with a free pass from my normal eating habits especially awesome!

Oh, and we completely skipped the supplements and cosmetics and pets and babies and all that crap. Because, well, you can't eat shampoo or diapers or dog bowls, can you? And supplements are boring. So sorry, readership.

Though we did get the impression: It's totally happening in Head Lice this year! Just FYI, in case you're thinking of hosting some.

So yeah, it was an awesome day of wandering and eating and chatting and eating and eating.

Oh, and at long last I got to meet Jody from Truth2BeingFit!

And there were a lot of other interesting characters roaming the halls as well, so I made the poor lobster take my picture with them.

Of course, just like with the food samples, once I started, I couldn't seem to stop.

Because where else can you just walk up to a guy and ask: "Hey, can we get a picture of me squeezing your balls?" and get a chipper, "yeah sure!"

Does anyone else go a little bit crazy when stuff is on offer for free? And what sort of products would you want to hunt down at a Natural Expo?

Showtime!

2013-03-07T10:31:00.000-05:00

So tomorrow I'm headed to the Natural Products Expo West in Anaheim, and I'm psyched!

Crabby goes "Au Natural"!

Although oddly enough, no purveyors of natural products have even tried to recruit me as a brand ambassador for anything.

Seems awfully short-sighted, don't you think? Just imagine the cachet a natural product could obtain by having a frequently foul-mouthed health blogger who goes by the name of "Crabby" spreading the word to ~~millions~~... er, ~~thousands~~, or, well... literally several regular readers who might buy something someday!

Well, their loss I guess.

However, even though I may be unsponsored, I did manage to wrangle a press pass for myself and my ~~wife~~ helpful Co-Blogger, the Lobster. And I am hope-hope-hoping to run into other bloggers I admire, like the most awesome Jody who may very well be there.

Will I actually end up turning this adventure into a blog post? We shall see! Depends on what I find there and whether the camera-phone catches something interesting or if I end up with the usual abstract art featuring underlit blurry objects or the inside of my coat pocket.

So in case I get too lazy, I at least have a few random preliminary thoughts to share before heading out on our great Natural Foods Expo Adventure.

1. I Seem to Pathetically Desire Some Token Symbol That I Am Important.

Because I'm totally looking forward to wearing a lanyard, which is the technical term for that thingy you wear around your neck at conferences and trade shows. (Although the dictionary definition I consulted suggested it should be something more exciting and piratey, like a knife or a pistol.)

Apparently Crabby needs to pluck her chin hairs again.

However, if I do wear a lanyard with a knife or a pistol, I promise it will be crafted from 100% pesticide-free, organic, fair-trade vegan materials.

And sure, those of you who have normal jobs with badges that require entry behind locked doors, or who have ever traveled to trade shows or conferences or whatever must think I'm nuts to be excited to wear a badge slung around my neck. But one downside to self employment is that you almost never get to wear something that says YOU get admittance to somewhere that not everyone else in the world can go too if they want. The website even says: "Natural Products Expo is a private trade show open to the trade only, and not open to the public."

Music to my f--cking ears. The only place I ever get to go that's even a little bit restricted is the women's restroom. And I don't get a lanyard for that.

Oh wait, once during a blog break I had a brief gig doing some medical device writing! And, well, my fondest memory of that time was of the free pens, totebags, refrigerator magnets, and yes the lanyard I got to wear at a conference I was writing about.

Ah, the glory days!

2. There is a Special Feeling When You Are Amongst Your Own Tribe.

You people who travel many miles in order to get up at 4am so you can stand in an ungodly long line waiting for a porta-potty before you compete in some crazy-ass race in order to possibly score a T shirt or belt buckle know what I mean.

Are there other people who sigh sadly at the offerings in most grocery stores and must seek out specialty retailers, who obsessively check labels, who can't eat at normal restaurants without being a total pain in the ass to waitstaff with their questions, who have the whole EWG "Dirty Dozen" list memorized and who generally think more about what goes on their dinner plates than what might be available on their cable TV channels?

It will be fun to spend a day where this sort of behavior is possibly considered "normal!"

3. I Can Not WAIT for Free Samples!

Yeah, I'm not fooling anyone, this is the main reason I decided to seek out admittance.

It seems there are hosted breakfasts, lunches, "relaxation lounges" and booths and booths of companies pitching edible products that are normally a bit on the expensive side. I'm really hoping to hell they have a lot of free samples on offer.

However, the ground rules say we can only carry out one bag of samples per day. What?!?!? And I'm only going to be there one day!

I'm just hoping they mean a bag like this?

But if not, this means I am planning on doing a lot of grabbing and then snarfing up product, and then re-grabbing and re-snarfing more product while pretending to be an entirely different person, all day long, or until I get tossed out.

Because everyone knows that free samples, particularly natural free samples, do not contain calories, right?

Am I the only person in the world who could be excited to attend a natural products trade show? Do you all think I am TOTALLY Insane?

Photos:
Huge Bag swiped from The Bag Lady TV
Expo photo from somewhere off the Natural Products Expo West website
Pirate Lanyard from the lanyard store.

Confession: Crabby is a Secret Swinger

2013-03-04T11:18:00.000-05:00

You can't really blame me, can you, after so many years? So yeah, maybe I wanted to mix things up a bit.

As I recall my first experience was on a lovely warm evening, after a glass of wine or two, accompanied by seductive music--what can I say? I couldn't resist!

I thought the Lobster might think my proclivities were too, well, weird and embarrassing, but once I explained she was surprisingly accepting, even if she didn't often want to join me.

And hell, now I'm shameless. I'll do it in the morning, in a park, in broad daylight! Even though technically what I'm doing there is against the park rules, but hell, what are the chances I'll get caught and punished?

Yep, after years of keeping it respectable....

...my long walks and furtive runs have gotten a LOT more fun now that I go ahead and sneak onto playground equipment when no kids are using it. Yippee!

And the swings are my favorite.

Note: if I could entice the Lobster into "the lifestyle" to accompany me more often, this would be a picture of one of us flying happily through the air, and not a post-swing photo, but I'm still workin' on that.

The Scene of the Crime

Swinging is fun! It hardly feels like exercise, yet I think it actually is. It's even more blissful than when I was a kid, because back then they hadn't invented mp3 players yet.

And bonus: due to the unfortunate childhood obesity epidemic, even some of the smaller swingsets now seem sturdy enough to accomodate grown ups. At least I haven't broken one yet. (Knock wood).

But sadly, I do have to sneak off to swing as kidnapping a random child might be frowned upon.

In fact often I'll slip my swing in during an evening walk when it's dark and all good children are all at home doing whatever wholesome things it is kids do these days. I am blissfully ignorant of such matters.

So where are all the Adult Playgrounds?

I bitched about this several years ago in an adult playground post, and have discovered I'm not the only one with this complaint, though not much has been done about it from what I can tell.

I got all excited when I saw this New York Times piece on a new playground for grown ups in the Bronx until I clicked on it and saw the pictures.

Does this look like a freakin' playground to you? Where are the rides? That is an outdoor gym, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but a gym is not a playground.

Note: If the copyright police round me up and I have to remove the photos, you may have to go the article itself to view the Not-Playground.

Now this next photo looks slightly more promising:

But still, where are the giant slides, self-powered roller coasters, trampolines, bungee devices, big-ass merry-go-rounds that go really fast, spinning human gyroscopes, and other play things that could be totally fun for adults even if they might kill us? I'm still waiting!

Any of you sometimes tempted to do a little swingin'?

So how do you guys turn exercise in to play, or does it feel like play already?

Photos:
Swinger Poster:Movie Poster Shop
No adults: Crystal Eagle
Boring Adult Playground Marilynn K. Yee, New York Times
Fun Women: Jogo Equipment