No sniggering at the back

Mon, 12 Nov 2007 11:27:10 GMT

Welcome to the Crap Public Schools Association.

This site is for those unfortunate people who attended a British public school and those who did not but, perversely, wished that they had. Or, like many Labour cabinet ministers, those who did and wished they could say they hadn't.

It is also the first home of Swinesend, Britain's first online public school. So, if you're new scum, let us extend a very warm welcome to you and your parents' money. Then, if you've got a moment, we'd love to strap your head to boiling radiator pipe. It'll make you one of us.

Sound familiar? Then drop drop us a terse, manly note expressing your support. Or head off to our MySpace or Facebook profiles and share your memories of freezing dormitories, vicious schoolmasters, repulsive food and the strange stirrings you felt when you first opened your Biology textbook. You'll be in the company of hundreds of others who similarly suffered.

Or if you've been coming here so long that you've forgotten what's on offer, then let us draw your attention to a couple of new things. First, we've caved in to popular demand and opened a classified advertisements page. We've also judged the school song competition and have distributed prizes.

For the rest, you can visit our gallery of public school-educated Heroes and Scoundrels. And if we haven't mentioned the now-famous arsewipe who poured ink down the back of your neck during your last term in the Upper IV, then you can ask us to include his name in our Waiting Room - the directory of people who probably ought to be included in the Heroes and Scoundrels section if only we weren't so lazy.

You can laugh and wince at some of the ridiculous and real school songs that have come to our attention, see what unfortunate episodes of public school life have ended up in the national media, and sign up for the Crap Public Schools Association Newsletter.

Have fun. And don't forget to buy our book - a bargain if ever there was one.