Crappy 80's Movies

The New Kids

2012-07-30T10:48:00.000-04:00

The New Kids is a 1985 revenge picture directed by Sean S. Cunningham of Friday the 13th fame, and written by Maggie Gyllenhaal's Dad. It stars Lori Loughlin and Shannon Presby as a brother and sister whose parents are killed in a car accident, so they are shipped off to live with their wacky uncle at his run down amusement park in Florida. You can see the site of the park as it stands today here. This marks Mr Presby's only foray into feature film. Also of note - Lori Laughlin never shows her boobs despite an R rating and a shower scene that was perfect for boob showing. As a matter of fact, you don't get any boobs at all in the whole damn movie. It's a shame really, because nothing makes a good movie gooder like some boobs. That's a film making rule of thumb. The picture opens with Lori Laughlin getting woken up by her dad saying that she needs to get her "sexy little body" out of bed, which is pretty fucking creepy. Turns out that they are just the kind of regular all American family where Dad wakes the kids up at the crack of dawn and has them do military drills. Strangely, the kids seem to love this shit. We get a pretty sweet montage of running around and hitting punching bags and then the next thing you know dear old mom and dad have been killed in a car accident. OH NOES! WHAT TO DO?! Well there is only one thing you can do - ship the kids off to the weird uncle with the broken down amusement park. After a long ride on a greyhound bus the kids arrive at their Uncle's place where they get settled down in their new home - a barn on the midway. They get started right away at helping their Aunt and Uncle work on opening the Amusement park. There are about 97 montages of workin' and tomfoolery. After all that nonsense the kids start at their new High School. At school, things really start to get rolling. We meet Eric Stoltz as friendly Eric Stoltz kind of guy, and we meet James Spader as Dutra - the town menace! Dutra has an awesome blond hairdo, and some sweet floral print western shirts, and a gang of inbred ruffians that follow him around. He has an extraordinarily rapey vibe. It isn't that it seems like he will just rape Lori Loughlin, it's more like he is going to rape the whole town. Men, women, children, picnic tables, whatever. He is gonna do it. He also drives a sweet custom van. I love this villain. At some point Dutra and his crew make a bet on who will bed Lori Loughlin first. Back at the Amusement park / gas station, Lori Laughlin is manning the pumps when who rolls in but Dutra in his awesome fuck truck. He asks her to the dance and she has the gall to say no! Dutra is all "WHO THE FUCK??!" and vows to rape the entire Miami metro area. It is ON! So from here on out Dutra and his gang start fucking with the amusement park, vandalizing wacky uncles Cadillac, and causing general mayhem. Amidst all of this, Lori Loughlin's brother notices that the sheriff's daughter has some neat boobs, but we don't get to see those either. Lame. The bullying gets crazier and crazier and eventually hits a FEVER PITCH! Oh boy! This actually makes up the bulk of the movie. The Dance finally arrives and Dutra is so mad! Hoppin mad! He and the gang try to show Lori Loughlin love the only way they know how - by kidnapping her, dousing her in lighter fluid, and attempting to set her on fire. I must have stopped paying attention for a bit because I'm not really sure what happens next, but they all end up back at the amusement park with wacky uncle being covered in chicken blood so they can unleash a pit bull on him. They also take off Lori's pants and stuff. This causes uncle to flip the fuck out and everything goes crazy. People are shot! A guy who looks just like Judah Friedlander gets his face bit off by a pitbull! There's blood all over the place! The mayhem eventually makes its' way to the midway where Dutra's gang meet their untimely demise one after another in Amusement Ride carnage. Death on the bumper cars! Death in the house of mirrors! It all brings us to a tense standoff between the brother and Dutra at the gas pumps. Eventually Dutra meets his maker at the end of a flaming gas nozzle. Oh the humanity! After all this it flashes ahead a few weeks and wacky Uncle is actually alive! The amusement park is a success because everyone loves that all these people died there! Everything is great and Lori and her brother declare it to be their forever home. Yay!!! Everything will be OK!!!!! Or will it???? I enjoyed this movie quite a bit and I was surprised that I had never seen it before. James Spader is a FANTASTIC douche as Dutra. The only thing it was missing is T&A, which could easily have been shoehorned in there. Oh well - can't win em all. The closing shot clearly sets things up for a sequel which was never made. A shame, really.

Dutra Megamix!

Is this thing on?

2012-06-18T15:35:00.003-04:00

So despite a 2 and a half year hiatus, I'm getting over a hundred hits a day on this. Weird. Also: Why don't you fuckers leave a comment once in a while, for cyrin out loud.

Paradise

2010-01-25T11:17:00.007-05:00

Paradise is a fanfuckingtastic pile of crap. It is a Blue Lagoon clone made a couple years later with a few key changes. Number one: Phoebe Cates. Brooke Shields is good and all, but what people really want is Phoebe Cates. Naked. A LOT. Number Two: Willie Ames. People want a well oiled, loin cloth wearing Willie Ames with occasional full frontal nudity. These two key changes are a fine foundation for this craptacular tour de force. We kind of fast forwarded through the first part of the movie, but it begins in some kind of desert market - I have no idea what happens but it results in a group of arab dudes chasing Phoebe and Willie through the desert. They outrun the arabs and Phoebe Cates takes a really long really naked shower. Eventually they find an Oasis in the desert and Willie builds them a goddamn split level ranch or some shit. Suddenly they have pots and pans, furniture, all kinds of stuff. And chimps. There are chimps in the desert. There is also grass and ocean and deciduous trees. Everyone gets naked some more and then the monkey makes fun of Willie for beating off. Then Willie and Phoebe wicked do it a lot. Next thing we know Phoebe is up the pole and the Arabs are back chasing them through the desert. Then the chimps have a baby, which is inexplicably a baboon. Uhm, so there is running and stuff and then Willie Ames kills the arab dude. After that they get to the ocean and see a city in the distance. Then Phoebe Cates sings the theme from Paradise and it is haunting. On a side note, teenybopper singer "Kaci" covered the theme in 2001. I loved this goddamn pile of shit.

My Tutor

2010-01-24T19:53:00.002-05:00

My Tutor is a boobie movie. You have a handsome rich kid who has a fake Ted Knight kinda guy for a dad who just MUST have his boy go to Yale. Now the boy is failing french so the dad hires "the best freelance french tutor in the city" to get him up to speed over summer break. Hijynx ensue with a cast of characters including Mr Crispin Hellion Glover as the dork so dorky, he cant even get laid in a whorehouse. There are boobs a plenty including an appearance by Miss Kitten Natividad. The only real problem is that the movie tries to be "touching" and it gets in the way of the shenanigans and teh boobz. Not bad.

Foxes

2010-01-24T19:48:00.004-05:00

Foxes. Jodie Foster, Scott Baio, and the singer of The Runaways in a Teens outta control exploitation pic? Should be fantastic, yes? Unfortunately it is not. It ain't bad, it's just dull dull dull. It lacks all of the awesome over the top-ness of Times Square or Over The Edge. The kids are a little wild, but they are really pretty average. There is some drugs and drinking, and an ugly ducking nailing a too old guy, but none of it is all that different from real life. Jodie looks cute, but thats about all this movie has going for it.

1-12-10 - The Wild Life

2010-01-14T20:17:00.004-05:00

So once again I sit down to watch a movie I've never seen before only to remember that I have, and in the case of The Wild Life I have seen it many many times. This was sort of a follow up to Fast Times At Ridgemont High. It was written by Cameron Crowe and has a different, but similar cast (Eric Stoltz, Chris Penn, Lea Thompson, that kid who played Wyatt in Weird Science...). The movie takes place during the last week of summer following the exploits of some shenanigan having teens. Basically Cameron Crowe tried to redo everything that was successful in Fast Times and instead of a hit he has something thats just kind of dull. It's not horrible, and there are a few good bits, but overall its' pretty meh. One thing that sucks is the Eddie Van Halen score - throughout the entire movie there is Eddie Van Halen wacking off with a guitar - just endless nonsensical solos and crap. Also - There is a weird subplot with Randy Quaid as a junkie vietnam vet that seems completely out of place and has nothing to do with the rest of the movie. There were a few good things, namely the awesome fucking mustache that the cop who is banging Lea Thompson has, and Kitten Natividad nekkid in the strip club scene. Kitten Natividad has professional grade boobs. The lady dated Russ Meyers for 15 years, so obviously this is an accomplished naked lady who knows a thing or two about boobs. Uhm. I guess thats about it. Fair to Middling!

1-9-10 All The Right Moves & Breaking All the Rules

2010-01-12T19:58:00.003-05:00

After watching First Born I thought I'd like to take a stab at another drama and watch All The Right Moves. Bad idea. Tom Cruise plays a (straight) guy in a sleepy PA steel town named AMPIPE after the local, uh, Pipe Company. So Tom is some fancy high school football guy and he hangs out with Christopher Penn and they do awesome guy stuff like dance in their jockstraps and stuff. Like the way guys do. Anyhow, there is some big game or something and a girl that gets pissy when Tom tries to date rape her. I'm not really sure what else happens. After a while I realized that I didnt care about any of the characters or AMPIPE or the big game and I turned it off. I'm pretty sure that at some point you get to see Lea Thompsons boobs which seems like it would be neat, but not neat enough for me to keep watching. Dull.

After getting bored by the lack of antics with Tom I decided that what we needed was something more Canadian, so we tried the 1985 classic Breaking All the Rules. Breaking All the Rules is about 4 teenage kids trying to LIVE IT UP on the last day of summer break by hanging out at an Amusement Park and falling in love and stuff. There is also a subplot involving a diamond heist and buffoonery. Rules broken include: Looking up girls skirts, getting a punk rock haircut, wearing a mask that makes your nose look like a penis, applying a pasty to a strippers nose, and driving a large automated vacuum cart like a racecar. There are some boobs, some bad jokes, some bumbling crooks, and a lot of amusement rides. The plot gets tired after a while, but overall I enjoyed the hijynx.

1-6-2010 - First Born

2010-01-07T23:37:00.003-05:00

This is a movie that I had seen before but totally forgotten about until we started watching it. The 1980's had a lot of great fads - Legwarmers, louver sunglasses, feathered haircuts, and best of all - Divorce! People LOVED to get Divorced in the 80's. In suburbs all across America Dads were taking off and returning only on the weekends when they would pick you up in their LeBaron and take you to Showbiz Pizza with some lady named Carrol who wore too much perfume and called you "Honey" a lot. It was great! Best of all Dad would feel guilty and buy you all sorts of stupid shit and sometimes have too many bud lights and then cry. First Born is a movie that was made to cash in on the divorce craze. We have a mom played by Teri Garr and a couple boys played by Christopher Collett and Corey Haim (totally not my favorite Corey). For some reason the tone of the family as well as the house kind of reminds me of ET. Teri Garr gets peeved that her ex husband is getting re married so she goes out and picks up Peter Weller. There is an uncomfortable scene where the kids come home early and realize that Robocop is boning their mom. Lame. After a while we find out that Peter Weller isnt just douchey, he's a coke head! He even has a special pinball machine that he does coke off of. He ends up moving in to the house and is a total dick. Now the movie is kind of like ET if you replace the loveable alien with an abusive boyfriend. On the upside he gives the older brother a sweet dirtbike. There is a decent amount of actual strife and drama and then it all gets retarded. The actual drama of mom's abusive boyfriend turns into schlocky made for TV suspense and culminates in a crazy chase scene. Older Brother hides the cocaine stash so Peter Weller chases him in his crazy jacked up Chevy Blazer with a lot of KC lights. Older Brother is driving his dirtbike and there is suspense and chasing and truck and dirtbike. In the end evil boyfriend catches the older brother kid and they beat the crap out of each other and then fucking Corey Haim shows up with a baseball bat and everyone is saved and Teri Garr realizes what a cock this guy is. The End.

1-5-2010 - Times Square

2010-01-06T15:23:00.006-05:00

Punk Fucking Rock. This is a really fun movie. Times Square is about a rich girl and a street urchin who escape from a mental hospital and become outlaws on the run in 1980 NYC. Pam (trini alvarado) is a quiet rich kid who is sick of her politician dad being a phony. Nicky (robin johnson) is a punk girl from the streets who doesnt give a fuck. They become a sensation around town and start being mentioned by Tim Curry on his way too cool radio show. There are some fantastic shots of pre-sanitized NYC as the girls hang out in strip clubs on 42'nd street and run through porn theatres while being chased by the cops. The soundtrack is fantastic. They start calling themselves "The Sleez Sisters" and with the help of the house band at the strip club where Pam dances they go on Tim Curry's radio show and play some great punk songs. This is actually a really decent movie that does a great job of capturing that punk rock anger that you get from all the fuckup punk kids. There is a lesbian vibe between Pam and Nicky that is never really addressed - From what I have read it was a much more prominent part of the movie and was cut out by the studio after they fired the director. The movie is a little uneven and you can tell that there are some big chunks missing. Regardless, it is very enjoyable. A double feature of this and Over The Edge would be a near perfect punk rock movie night.

1/4/2010 - Private Lessons

2010-01-06T14:51:00.008-05:00

Private Lessons - The first of the "Private" films, this is really something. A wealthy teenage boy is left alone for a few weeks while his dad is out of town. At first he hangs out with his awesome fat kid friend, Sherman. Sherman talks about "knockers" a lot and does an awesome hula demonstration while wearing swimming trunks and flippers. It's pretty fantastic. Back at the rich kids house there is his chauffeur, Howard Hesseman, and his new hot housekeeper, Sylvia fucking Kristel. Sylvia Kristel starts coming on to him and we are forced to witness many cringe inducing sex scenes between a barely pubescent 15 year old boy and a 30 year old woman. It is creepy and weird and unsettling. Also: Boobs. Sylvia Kristel is the end all be all of Cinemax After Dark naked ladies and this is one of her few American films. Anyway, when they finally "do it" Sylvia Kristal dies and the chauffeur and the kid bury her in the yard. But the next morning the body is gone! OH NOES! Chauffeur has the kid get $10k from his dads safe - We then find that Chauffeur and Sylvia are in cahoots! CAHOOTS!! Anyhow, the kid does the obvious thing and gets his tennis coach, Ed Begley Jr, to pretend to be a bad ass cop and really lay into Howard Hesseman. It's a good thing he has a really intimidating dude like Ed at his disposal. Also - Sylvia Kristel lets the kid know that even though she was in cahoots, she's still WAY into boning him. Then there's a car chase. And eventually we capture Howard Hesseman at the airport and get dad's money back. At the end the kid asks his teacher out on a date because he is now big pimpin.

This is a top notch weird fucking movie. I don't know how it ever got made, never mind having had a theatrical run. Great Boobs, unsettling plot, and a really swank 70's mansion. Total Package.

1/3/2010 - Screwballs and Private Resort

2010-01-06T14:33:00.006-05:00

So we started off with Screwballs. This is a Troma Films caliber T&A fest about a high school. Im not sure if there is any actual plot beyond it being a high school. If you do something inappropriate (IE: Get caught beating off in the walk in fridge) the word DETENTION is flashed on the screen. Then there are more boobs. It was shot on 16mm and the print is really kind of scratchy and worn looking. Terrible, but mildly entertaining to have on in the background at a party or something.

We decide to continue our theme with the slightly more high caliber Private Resort. This is the 3rd entry of Producer R.Ben Ephraim's "Private" trilogy. Rob Morrow and Johnny Depp are at a Resort and they get into trouble. There are boobs. A little fat kid fishes for bikini tops. Problems arise when they give Hector Elizondo a bad haircut. He chases them into an aerobics class and there is hilarity. Then they somehow end up with Andrew Clay(sans "dice")'s girlfriend. The diceman is STEAMED! Then there are boobs and everyone runs down the same hallway 400 times. Also: Johnny Depp's bare ass. Oscarworthy.

1/2/2010 - Private School, Pirate Movie, Porky's

2010-01-06T14:19:00.004-05:00

Private School - This was a solid 80's sex comedy. Starring Phoebe Cates and Mathew Modine, the plot is minimal and has something to do with a Private School. It features an enormous number of boobs beginning right at the opening credits, which is always the sign of a good movie. Other key points are guys in drag, a shitty school dance, and Ray Walston as a chauffeur whose Rolls Royce ends up in a swimming pool. This is a serviceable film.

After private school I tried to switch things up a little with The Pirate Movie. Sweet fucking Christ what an atrocity! I thought it would be more of a "so bad its good" affair, but it's just awful. Christy McNichol and Christopher Atkins star in a Pirate musical that never quite reaches the high level of showmanship that one might expect from a high school play. Horrible! We had to kill this one about 10-15mins in. Bad.

I thought that we would return to the boob theme with Porky's. This is another movie that I can't believe I had never seen before. When I was in grade school this was the holy grail of dirty movies. I had heard great stories of boobs and butts and shenanigans. I have even read reviews online heralding this as the greatest T&A 80's film ever, so I had high hopes. As it turns out, this movie sucks. It is unfunny, has a vague plot (guys are horny, get thrown out of strip club, wreck strip club) and barely any boobs at all. It succeeds on no levels. Private School was 100 times better and even that wasn't all that great. Total letdown.

1/1/2010 - The Last American Virgin

2010-01-06T12:26:00.002-05:00

I have no idea how I had missed this movie. Its awesome.

The Last American Virgin is a 1982 American remake of the 1978 Israeli film Eskimo Limon (aka Lemon Popscicle). Lemon Popscicle was an enormous worldwide hit - so much so that the producers were able to leverage their earnings from it to help buy Cannon Films, which released The Last American Virgin and all sorts of other low budget films through the 80's.

The plot is a combination of boobs, shenanigans, and touching coming of age moments. The movie is a little schizophrenic with scenes of sex comedy silliness giving way to scenes of unrequited love. It feels more substantial than a lot of other films of the genre and is more like Fast Times at Ridgemont High and less like Porky's. Eskimo Limon was set in the early 60's and since this is almost a shot for shot remake some of the original time period bleeds through (IE: Scenes in maltshops, necking in convertibles, etc...) The T&A quotient is still pretty high even managing to get nudity into an abortion scene. Who thought that was OK?

The one thing that really separates The Last American Virgin from other similar films is that it has a completely sad and depressing ending. I really loved this movie.

12/31/09 - Little Darlings, My Body Guard, and TEX

2010-01-06T11:48:00.002-05:00

So what started this all off was a desire to watch the Tatum O'Neil/Kristy McNichol classic Little Darlings on New Years Eve. This is because I am a wildman and I really know how to party. I decided to up the ante and add My Body Guard and Tex to the mix because I'm a 34 year old straight guy who has Matt Dillon film festivals on New Years Eve. Party. Normally I would have opted to include Over The Edge, but I have seen it a few times recently and wanted to keep things fresh.

First up was Little Darlings. A timeless tale of teenage girls trying to get laid at summer camp. This movie features a stolen school bus, a stolen condom machine, and Matt Dillon wearing awesome mesh 1/2 shirts. I had seen it on television about 900 times as a kid and it holds up remarkably well. Great coming of age trash. Look for Cynthia Nixon from Sex & The City as "Sunshine" the hippy girl.

Next was My Bodyguard - This is one of those movies that I remember being on HBO a lot in the middle of the afternoon, but I dont think I ever actually saw. Our hero is played by Chris Makepeace who is a funny looking kid that lives in a fancy hotel that his dad, fucking Martin Mull, manages. His grandmother, Ruth Gordon in all her Harold & Maude glory, is a saucey older lady who boozes it up and attempts to pick up married men in the lounge. Anyhow, Chris Makepeace transfers to a public school where Matt Dillon fucks with him. He gets sick of being fucked with and hires the school bully, Adam Baldwin, to protect him from Matt Dillon. Shenanigans ensue and it turns out that Adam Baldwin is the child killer with a heart of gold. At the end Matt Dillon gets his ass kicked and everyone lives happily ever after. This is actually a pretty decent movie and I really enjoyed it. A little sappy, but a decent underdog story.

Our third presentation was Tex which is an adaptation of an SE Hinton novel. Matt Dillon is a rebellious teenager that lives with his older (teenage) brother in Oklahoma and has touching coming of age moments. I fell asleep about 1/2 through it, but I enjoyed it well enough. Warm fuzzy 80's family drama.