Crawdaddies

Old Me

2013-04-04T19:52:00.002-05:00

Check me out somewhere else.... The Real Storm Tracker!

Holy Adult News

2012-10-21T10:42:00.001-05:00

At China's Zhongshan Hospital in Shanghai, doctors removed a dildo from a man's intestines!!!!!! The dildo was 9 inches long and 3 inches wide. W-O-W. Talk about Different Strokes, Willis.

It seems that due to the changing attitudes about sex in China, these incidents are on the rise as is the purchasing of sex toys.

P.S. Rumor has it the doctors who performed the surgery reminded the public that it's not the size of the dildo but what you do with it that counts...indeed.

Old School:End Racisim

2012-10-20T17:50:00.001-05:00

So, I found out last weekend that my bo had a scam in high school. He was making the mad loot by selling Butterfingers to end racism. Ain't that some foreshadowing doggy doggy world shit.

Oh well, here is your old school.

It's neato, BITCHES

I probably need to be Trapped in a Closet

2012-10-20T17:38:00.005-05:00

Yes, the classic Crawdaddy is back! The mastermind of underage fuckery and r&b genius is ready to bring out all the midgets under sinks and skeletons out of the closet on Novemeber 23. IFC will air the next episodes of Trapped in the Closet.

I'm more stoked for this than my Nanny's juicy turkey. Yes, my nanny can throw down! I'm sorry your g-maws turkey is dry. Ya'll need some extra giblet gravy to make your Charlie Brown Thanksgiving.

Schmanyways, here's the preview of Trapped in the Closet.

Also, here is Rrrrr with his new single...Feeling Single.

I know. I know.

I'm not on my Period

2012-10-20T17:20:00.001-05:00

but this was the sweetest and I wept like a baby.

American Horror Story is just EPIC

2012-10-18T21:05:00.002-05:00

I swear this show just gives me chills! The acting, writing, and cinematography is just outstanding. After watching the first episode of Season 2, I'm just in freaking awe. All I can say is fuuuuuuuuck!

Best show on!

So, let's dig deeper.

Who the fuck is the couple ready to screw in an asylum? Sorry, there is no need to strap one in or strap one on when you are ghost hunting. Scooby and the gang never did that shit. I can see rollin a doob and eating some scooby snacks but sex strapped on a bed where a guy named bloodyface haunts...

Glad to see Constance (Jessica Lange) and Tate (Evan Peters) back in new roles. Go, Team AHS. They lucked out for sure. Poor Connie Britton, stuck on ~~Dallas~~ Nashville while Jessica and Tate scored.

Newwcomers of the show this season are definitely slow- to- elated- fast -clap for me. We get James Cromwell! This man looks mighty young sporting the Bruce Willis. We also get sweet cute Sarah Paulson. I just love her! Also, the woman who looks like Julia Duffy, Lily Rabe is filling in where Dylan McDermott's butt left off.

I was worried we weren't going to see much booty. Hehehe

Things I learned:
1. Don't try and get a blow job in a an asylum.
2. Relationships are freaking hard work.
3. Don't trust your girlfriend. She might just sign some papers and get your ass committed.
4. Aliens are real.
5. Jessica Lange has fantasies too.
6. Red slips are a must, fashion moment.
7. Evan Peters is the first blonde I've ever been into besides Marylin M.
8. When I watch this show I need to have wine,a cig, and to have used the restroom before watching.
9. To take a breath.
10. That really is my favorite theme song of a show. I would make out to that music.
11. HMMMMMmmm could I be one of those people who might make out in an asylum?

Fitwet: Aquasize your butt

2012-10-16T05:30:00.000-05:00

It's just what I always wanted! I've been in need of an exercise bike I can ride in the water. Don't get me wrong, I think this is a great idea for the geriatrics but really. Can this contraption be a big seller?
The company claims that this bike has a higher intensity workout. It also allows the user to exert less effort while getting a lower body intense workout. Oh, it also regulates body temperature as to not sweat!

Seriously, people if sweating is a problem for you...~~die~~ buy the Fitwet. I'm sure it's super cheap.

Hulk HOgan wants Sex tape money

2012-10-15T17:47:00.002-05:00

Oh kiddies, the Hulkster is back and ready to smack! HOgan is suing Bubba the Love Sponge for the Hullkster's leaked booty-making vid. HOgan likes to keep his low low on the DL.

Hulk's lawyers will come after you with the a sleeper hold if you have possession of or attempt to sale the canopy love of Hulk and Bubba's ex Heather Clem.

Man, Bubba the Love Sponge... I guess he was soaking up sloppy seconds. I wonder what type of sponge Bubba is? I prefer the Abrasive Sponge. What type of sponge do you prefer? Here are your choices.

Cellulose

Abrasive

Third Parties are the true After Party

2012-10-15T17:23:00.001-05:00

Meet me in the hotel lobby at the HOJO to discuss other choices for President of these here United States of ~~Tara~~ Terror! Although, NPR, abc, nbs, cbs, cnn, msnbc, and other outlets only discuss Obama and Romney, I decided to link to other individuals that are running for President.
You just don't have UT or Florida you've got your Alabama, Michigan, etc.
You know me a true sporty!

Anyway, here are your other ~~presidential elects~~ nominees:
Jill Stein and VP Cheri Honkala (Green Party)
Virgil Goode and VP Jim Clymer (Constitution Party)
Ross 'Rocky' Anderson and VP Luis Rodriguez (Independent but aligned with Justice Party)
Gary Johnson and VP James P. Gray (Independent but aligned with Libertarian Party)
Merlin Miller and VP Virginia D. Abernathy
Roseanne Barr and VP Cindy Sheehan (Independent but aligned with Peace and Freedom Party)

Pay attention to your states ballot there may be more or less names listed. Your official election mail should be arriving soon that will give you more details.

For more info please check out:

Here is the first of Expanding the Debate brought to us all by Democracy Now!
Here is Expanding the VP Debate brought to us all by Democracy Now!

Old School

2012-10-14T22:41:00.001-05:00

Illuminati Cologne

2012-10-14T21:03:00.001-05:00

This is burnt bacon. I'd rather watch an Obsession commercial.

Nashville: I've lost my shirt just like the 99%, fuck off

2012-10-13T19:13:00.001-05:00

The best thing about this show is Connie Britton. I swear the entire time I watched this show I was waiting for Rubberman to come and get someone pregnant. Oh alas, the latex peen never penetrated. I thought penetration had to happen when Hayden Pantydrop is on the screen.

Yes ladies and gents, Hayden is in full effect up in this show. Calling all silver-foxes, bohunks, Wall Streeters, Nascar drivers, and Nashville indy elite ‘get you some Pantydrop’. Word on the street is that at a new Nashville eatery and music venue the blonde ingénue was asked to act her way in by the security staff. Cool thing is the security guard seemed to not know the young starlet. Asking patrons to act or do a little rag time is a typical request from this gent. Pantydrop seemed unfazed by the security guards prompt. I have to give a cookie when it’s due and Hayden deserves one. HAYyoucangetintomyDEN waited patiently in line until her table was set.

Schmanyways, back to Nashville, the opening scene is rich, white, and stale. The damn General Jackson??!! Please give me buckets of wine coolers at Lonny’s, naked drunken karaoke, fish sandwiches on white bread with mustard, TSU homecoming, and Bill Hall that’s the Nashville I like. I prefer DJ Monkeypop, Cedar Glades, back roads, and Charlotte Avenue. Fuck this Gulch, Pinnacle building, rich houses, and private school bonanza. I personally think this show is about selling real estate. That Pinnacle building has set empty for the longest. Whatever!

So, old rhinestones meet fake cubic zirconia. Fake cubic zirconia decides it wants rhinestones. It goes for rhinestones with every ho skill it found on Dickerson Rd. or at St. Cecilia. Old rhinestones is like ‘oh hellllll naw’. She gone take her high heel boots and French Shoppe fashions off and protect the neck!

20 Things to be noticed.

1. The Juliette Barnes as Carrie Underwood moment was the opening dressing room scene. What a BITCH.

2. Juliette’s ringtone…W O W

3. In Rayna’s dressing room scene: the guy who told her to make a decision about the co-tour, he had such a weird mouth. It was molester mouth.

4. The hallway scene with Deacon and Juliette pure Crawdaddy Crushin

5. Loveless Café T-shirt, fashion moment.

6. I love old timers.

7. Avery is everything I hate about East Nashville.

8. The art direction and wardrobe got it right.

9. Sluts always pay twice! ***In regards to Juliette offering to pay double if Deacon plays with her**

10. I like to have my Diva dips with white wine, smittle, cheese, and a cat.

11. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, Nashville is an industrial cultural juggernaut.

12. I like the backwater part of Nashville without the stray dogs.

13. Who doesn’t melt when they hear Tammy Wynette?

14. Nashville sunsets are beautiful.

15. Miyagi moment: don’t let it define you, let it refine you.

16. Soft lighting or as I like to call it Babs Walters lighting is the best!

17. I want to tell a lot of people to kiss my decision as I walk out the door.

18. Nashville is like Dallas.

19. When will you hashtag #NashvilleABC?

20. I can’t wait for the scene at Bongo Java or better yet Frothy Monkey.

Who is this?

2012-10-13T18:02:00.000-05:00

Monarch Moment

Old School

2012-10-13T17:27:00.001-05:00

Originality 27!

Liz would yawn

2012-10-13T17:22:00.004-05:00

'you have your pictures! can't you leave us alone?!'

LQQk b4 U pee

2012-06-22T15:08:00.003-05:00

A woman at the Monticello Walmart had an unfortunate experience. She was stuck to a toilet seat in the bathroom at Wally World. Apparently, someone had put super glue on the toilet seat...what an asshole.

Seriously, women one needs to really look before you sit down. I know that super clue is clear but there had to be some sort of residue. I say toilet seat covers and tissue are the answer. Personally, I hate the people who hover. Piss gets everywhere that way and most people don't wipe the seat.

lQQk before you pee! I feel so sorry for that lady.

Abreu for your voo voo

2012-06-22T14:56:00.000-05:00

William Abreu, 43, high-school administrator, asked students to give him oral sex for a summer job. This is beyond gross. Seriously, why would he remotely think this is a proposition that you could ask anyone under 18?!!

People are losing their minds. We really can't go further with this one. I can't make a joke it's just stupid. I hope this sucker gets propositioned in JAIL.

For more on this story check with NY Daily News.

Your new Crawdad Momma

2012-06-22T13:58:00.002-05:00

Thanks to disinfo for this amazing story of this crazy Florida teacher who helped her students get rid of demons. YES, demons! Danielle Harkins, 35, took students to the pier and convinced 7 students to cut themselves to release demons. After the ritual, she had the students burn themselves to to prevent the demons from returning.

Seriously this woman has entered Crazy Town or maybe she is just pre-menopausal! We are the same age and I figure I might be pre-menopausal. I haven't reached the demon phase yet. I'm still stuck in the leprechaun phase.

CDC Responds to YO fears

2012-06-02T15:48:00.002-05:00

CDC spokesman David Daigle said the agency "does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms". Phew, I can relax now. Honestly, I've never been one for the zombie apocalypse happening. However, it's not like a bunch of zombies aren't walking around or driving like assholes right now.

I'm sure we can trust the CDC spokesman and his agency. They would never ever keep anything from the American public would they? Hmm, swine flu anyone? Um, mercury in vaccines? Pastuerized milk is the only milk that's safe?

Yes, I totally trust the CDC!

Check these things out : Pasteurized Milk Vaccines RT article

Sanrio would be pissed

2012-06-02T15:15:00.003-05:00

We are not sure what is up with Courtney Stodden and her obviously FUCKED UP Dharma boyfriend but this is not okay! The messages these two love to spread are becoming stranger and stranger. What do you think of this video?

I now wonder if this girl is hypnotized and on a steady diet of drugs and purina. Surely, she isn't making these decisions on her own? Either way this is not how I would want to see a friend or an enemy. When will these ^&&&(*###$%% (girls) WAKE UP??????????

Oh, Doug you are an asshole!

Check out this article from Vigilant Citizen.

Prevention

2012-05-27T11:40:00.004-05:00

No trojan man, the US Dept. of Homeland Security has a list of words that they find 'suspect' and might be an alarm to check up on you! These words are all over the damn place. I mean my ass can't revert back to 5th grade science and talk to you about cumulus clouds without ringing some alarm for DHS. I think that's pretty lame.

Shmanyways, take a look at this RT article for more info on words that will Ring the Alarm like Beyonce'.

Suspended Crawdaddy

2012-04-16T20:42:00.001-05:00

The Supreme Court of South Carolina suspended Thad Viers from practicing law. What is homeboy going to do now? Probably spend about $60 at the local Hooters. The man likes to keep it classy. You know living in Myrtle Beach, getting arrested for harassing women, and interning with Strom Thurmond back in the day.

Here's looking at you, Thad.

ValderAssma is at it again

2012-04-16T20:27:00.003-05:00

Could it be that Fez has another hard pickle in his pocket for a new lady? Seems like Minka is the latest to fall for the bull that is Wilmer. I really can't believe it like T-Pain that Wilmer is now with another one. How many girls can this guy get?

I hope these women have heard of dry humping. It seems the only way to travel with this guy. Who knows what lie is being tucked into his hanes for 'her' way.

Dating Advice from a Dog Lady

2012-04-16T20:14:00.002-05:00

This lady knows her stuff. I suggest trying this out at a senior citizens home near you. I'm sure there is a sexy bingo mixer happening.

Let us know how the flirting tips work!

Seniordaddy

2012-04-16T19:29:00.000-05:00

Unlike Whitney, I believe that seniors are our future. The psa just has me all torn up like Balki in the Langoliers. Shmanyways, check out the video and open your eyes. You might need to get that 2 for 1 Trojan pack. One pack is for you and the other for yo gramps.