Crawl into My Head

Natural Highs

2010-01-04T09:07:00.000-08:00

Think about them one at a time before going on to the next one.

1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
4. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
5. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
6. Giggling.
7. The beach.
8. Laughing at yourself.
9. Looking into their eyes and knowing they Love you
10. Running through sprinklers.
11. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
12. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
13. Laughing at an inside joke with FRIENDS
14. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
15. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
16. Playing with a new puppy.
17. Having someone play with your hair.
18. Sweet dreams.
19. Holding hands with someone you care about.
20. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
21. Watching the sunrise.
22. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
23. Knowing that somebody misses you.
24. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
25. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.
26. The knowledge that you bring happiness and beauty to someone else's life.

A friend sent this to me and I wanted to share it with everyone else. We all have natural highs that keep us going through the day before we decide to start popping the coffee, caffeine, and everything else. And it makes it fitting that my January 2010 CD is labeled
Don’t Think – Celebrate.

I know that I have been out of touch for awhile now and I hope to rectify that soon. So, for those of you who have been sitting on the edge waiting to hear what happens next in my life, your wish will be granted. I’ll making a new post soon. In the meantime, enjoy the music!

On friends...(thoughts from the last few days/weeks/months)

2008-09-20T20:29:00.000-07:00

It is amazing how we find things in life…how we find our friends and who it is that is really the right one to be included in our life.

You would think that I would have found that certain niche in life that was perfect for me, but I spent so long chameleonizing myself that I probably lost track of who I really was.

I know that I am not going to win awards for being Friend of the Year, nor do I expect it. Honestly, I don’t think that anyone can really be the friend of the year as that entails keeping true to you and keeping everyone else around you totally happy. Is that humanly possible? Probably not without cloning yourself to exhibit only a certain personality trait per clone. Maybe then you can satisfy all of society. But it definitely does make me appreciate the little clic’s that I had travelled through in my last ten years.

I moved to San Diego with the idea of starting off fresh; opening up that new chapter in my Book of Life with ‘And Aiden has created a whole new circle and gotten back to his true roots as a person.” Wow, that was totally cheesy. Cheese factor or not, though, it hasn’t been as easy I might have hoped. I have met new people of different walks of life, bothe good and bad, and thought I had a couple that I could really bring into the inner fold that I called my life. But San Diego has fallen more on the sense of image as opposed to the sense of personality…something that is still lacking. And we all know that I didn’t care much about the sense of image back when I was living in the East…I heard all the rumours about how much I was a slut, into the dark and nasty, and extremely cold-hearted. I didn’t hide what I thought about what I thought about others, telling them honestly to their face what I thought about them, and how they treated others as they squashed all on their way to the top.

Sometimes I find it amazing that it doesn’t change as you change your locale within the country…people are people. I sometimes forget that in the hopes that there is something different out there. But is there really anything different in life? Part of me hopes that there is, and part of me knows that there truly isn’t that much in difference.

I had relocated homes a few months ago because I was looking to get a dog to help control my bipolar side as I was refusing to go on medication again…against the advice of a few close to me. But, I knew that being off meds for the last seven years, I wasn’t going to have the…best…reaction to going back on them. Well, after I relocated, it seemed that everyone wanted to disappear from my life. And so I started placing my work as a higher priority. I spent longer hours working bothe in the office and at home, for bothe my normal day to day job, and on the music, researching new artists and songs, and figuring the tracks for new CDs. I would hear from folks only if they really wanted something. And that went for people back east as well. Those who told me, ‘you better not lose touch, I know that I won’t’ all but faded into the background unless there was some serious issue going on. My sister and I kept in touch because there was a lot going on in her life that I could relate to, having worked with the same people she was dealing with on a regular basis now.

I stopped chasing after folks. There was one dude who said he wanted to still keep me around as a friend, and another told me he was still interested in getting to know me for who I was. But I didn’t really hear much from either of them. One was confused as to how to deal with me because he didn’t have any idea where to start, and where the stability was in his life that he felt had lowered down to ‘loser level’ because it was out of his control. I told him that he never was a loser in my book…I never viewed him in that way. But he never followed through on engagements that were set for us to hang, instead claiming that things were so busy that he forgot to inform me of changes…or he just disappeared and then expected me to know that he was out of state or had new changes going on in his life. I guess that happens sometimes. I dunno. The other one I know was looking for a new job so that he didn’t feel so worthless at times, and so that he could get out of the go-go dancing that he was good at…and looked hot doing. What can I say, I can DEFINITELY appreciate a man with muscles in a pair of low-cut no-show bikini briefs. *Pause to readjust the shorts that were starting to bunch from sitting funny on the park bench…Damn when did the cool wind kick in?*

I spent so long chasing after people and trying to start activities that I have decided to put a halt to things and let them come after me. But it doesn’t appear to be very promising on the outlook right now. Looks like I will need to throw back into the swing of things and really start getting out into the community on a fuller level…and, no, I don’t mean that I’ll be walking the street corners showing my ‘talents’. Those are for the priviledged only. And that list has gone down.

The sad part in the gay community is that most are friends are those that we met through an after-club hook-up, or while circling through the world of ManHunt, LifeOUT, Adam4Adam, and all those other hook-up sites for fags. As men, we are driven by our hormones and the innate desire to breed anything that walks on (hopefully) two legs. It’s funny that I am currently writing this as I sit not far from the park trail in Balboa known as Hook-Up Alley, especially at night. At anytime you can walk through and find condom wrappers on the side of the path, or even see two people going at it…homo and hetero.

There is a friend of mine that I had met not long after moving here who I had grown to have some feelings for, but, as usual, he had other things that pre-empted him being able to try for anything deeper than the occasional get-together that consisted of a huff and puff, bump and grind. He talks of wanting to have a few close buds that he can carry that on with depending on their own availability and when he is able to leave his partner behind since their relationship was on the rocks. At some point that passes as being a standard in the gay society…what happened to the thought of belonging to your loved one? If things are that bad to where you BOTHE are going out to look for strange, why do you torture yourselves with something that has fallen into disaster? But I don’t say that to pass judgement, really. I know couples where they look for the strange as an added benefit to their relationship and it works for them…but they already had the strength and trust there to be able to carry it off. It is when that strength and trust is gone that you start wondering about the true reasoning behind it.

Again, I digress into my commentary on other lives. This was supposed to be about me (and, no, I am not pulling a Joan Crawford move).

A few weeks back I had a discussion with someone in regards to our relationship and if it was going to follow one path or another. I kept quiet and he told me that he wasn’t expecting a response right then and there. But I have continually been the focus of his trust issues because I remind him a lot of his ex who totally screwed him over. And I am sorry that his ex completely fucked the world for him, I truly am. But I can’t continually hear from someone ‘I don’t believe you’ or ‘I don’t trust you’ when I haven’t given them any reason to think anything otherwise. And especially when they didn’t know me or my habits. But things got really bad and saw me go into a flashback of six years ago when I was being cut open by the ring I gave my husband and thrown through the laundry room door. That has called an end to certain things and redirected me down another path.

Do I have a moral to the stories here? I don’t know. I know that it has not been easy for me to realize and remember certain things. But I do have to try to remember that those I really call friends are there for me, and I hope that they can remember that I am there for them as well. I know that people back East have definitely seen and felt my presence from 2500 miles away due to recent events. (Love you guys and miss you dearly)

And ultimately, trust the people around you. We all have been fucked over by others in our lives during our time on earth, I know I can definitely attest to it. And while I might not completely trust someone, I don’t continually accuse them of lying to me or not being forward. And I know that should things ever come to the point where they are physical…it probably isn’t a good thing anymore.

There's a silence in the darkness...

2008-09-12T17:48:00.001-07:00

Because I am in that mood.....

2008-09-10T17:30:00.000-07:00

Licking your lips and blowing them my way...don't mean you're gonna get your way....

A Point to Remember...

2008-09-07T10:25:00.001-07:00

People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I
don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world
are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want,
and, if they can't find them, make them.

-- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) Irish Playwright

My Girl Is Back!!

2008-09-05T16:06:00.001-07:00

Christina Aguilera - Keeps Getting Better (brand new!)

Suzanne Palmer - Fame

2008-09-01T07:48:00.000-07:00

Life My Way - The Second September CD

2008-08-28T16:57:00.000-07:00

Life My Way -- Sept 2008

Britney Spears – Break the Ice (Wideboys Edit)
Aurora – The Day It Rained Forever (Lasgo Vocal Mix)
Tatiana Okupnik – Don’t Hold Back (Moran-den Broeder-Rigg Dance Mix)
KD Lang – The Consequences of Falling (Peter Rauhofer Club Mix)
Pepper Mashay – Got to Give (DJ Overlake’s Fierce Remix)
Miley Cyrus – See You Again (DJ Overlake’s Fierce Remix)
Karen Ramirez – Looking for Love (Peter Rauhofer Vocal Mix)
Groove Armada ft Mutya – Song 4 Mutya (Out of Control) (Sunset Strippers Remix)
Metro Station – Shake It (Lenny B Mix)
Rihanna – Disturbia (DJ Edwards Summer Remix 2008)
Lenny B – Radical (Original Extended Mix)
Pussycat Dolls – When I Grow Up (Ralphi Rosario Club Vox Mix)
Matchbox 20 – How Far We’ve Come (Rosario & Craig J Deeper Mix)

Ivy Queen and Pink

2008-08-24T09:09:00.000-07:00

Que Lloren

'So What' (Official Video)

AIDSWalk San Diego 2008 - Please Help

2008-08-23T08:13:00.000-07:00

Over the years I have made many friends across various walks of life, and I have loved each one of them for how they enriched my own. In September 1999, I lost my partner to complications due to HIV. I don't want to lose more friends to this and I would like to ask for your support.

AIDS Walk San Diego helps ensure that people living with HIV/AIDS in our community receive the services and support they need. I know you care too. Will you sponsor me today? Thank you for your support!

*Note: The AIDS Walk is held in many cities across the United States. Please check to see when one might be held near you.

Views on the news and some comments...

2008-08-23T08:07:00.000-07:00

First I am going to touch on the case I posted a few days ago regarding a friend of mine back in Raleigh. They have ended the proceedings as he has pled guilty to the charges. Trust me, it is just easier that way and provides less stress on the people in charged. I have sat in front of a judge before and pled guilty for assault when I was fighting with my parents. I was 17 and there was a lot of shit going down in the house and I just wanted out. I figured that was the best way to help me on my way since going to a halfway house didn’t help things out any. Probably not the best way of going about things, but I was young and didn’t know any better.
I feel bad for the boy. The news has posted his information and picture all over the place when it didn’t need to be. Reading the comments that have been posted to each news article online, it becomes obvious that the full story isn’t told…just a single side of it. And the media is going for the side that will bring them attention and drive their stats even higher. So many people want to point the blame at him solely, but it does take two to tango. And I do know from past history that he usually was up front about his status. The sad part, though, is that so many people still don’t want to truly educate themselves about HIV and a stigma is still placed against those infected.
I have to wonder if the news will ever do a story on the harassment that the NC Health Department gives to each case of HIV that is reported. Wake County, especially, is bad for that. I know of people whose lives have been ruined and they lost their jobs because the county ‘officials’ tore everything apart in their ‘quest to find information.’ Yeah, I don’t care for them…I’ve seen the damage caused.
Ultimately, it falls down to this: educate the population better, hold bothe parties involved accountable for their actions, and don’t single out one person because of their health status. For every one person who is honest about his status, there are ten more who don’t disclose the information to their partners. And if you decide that you are going to play a certain way, then you better be accepting all the risks that come with it. And don’t waste your time on ‘revenge’ and ‘vindication’….is it really worth the time of trying to make someone else’s life a living hell? Gay men are especially good at that…trust me. I have been accused of spreading HIV to several people even though I have tested negative for years. And that, boys and girls, is why I don’t care for most queers…they want to get involved in the drama of life like we don’t have enough already.

On another note, I wanted to let people know that I am getting through things okay. I know that it has been an emotional last few weeks and I was told that I seemed to focus more on the losses and not the gains. That is not normally my way as a few of my close friends can vouch. But events seem to be happening back to back to back and I don’t recover as quickly as most, it seems. I wasn’t as in touch with my emotions as it seemed on the surface while growing up, having learned at an early age it was better to hide my emotions. I was always told what I felt and thought didn’t matter. So I started bottling everything, which usually resulted in a huge explosion at the end. But it helped me survive, and it helped my friends when they realized that someone was able to keep his head in all the turmoil of bad events. So it came to be that I was the lighthouse in the raging storms. But people seem to forget that even a lighthouse needs to be maintained so that it doesn’t fall to shambles. And I lose a shingle here or there sometimes. Just give me a little time…at least I have been able to express myself a little bit better this time around…only a few can say they have actually seen the crack in the mask behind which I hide.
Have a great weekend!!!

two years ago today....

2008-08-19T18:33:00.000-07:00

I lost someone two years today, and the pain still grabs me. He was only 19...taken before he could even truly flower. But, he does live on in the memories of all his friends and family.....

A little bit emotional right now....

2008-08-18T23:57:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the quantity...have a few emotions spinning through me in this turmoil-filled time........

September CD: Living Is Life

2008-08-16T21:31:00.000-07:00

Hey folks...I know it is a little early, but here is one of the September 2008 CDs - LIVING IS LIFE. I hope you enjoy.

1.Intro (Pleasure Principle)

2.Nina Simone – The Look of Love (Madison Park vs Lenny B Remix)

3.Paris Hilton – Nothing In This World (Kaskade Remix)

4.Colette – Didn't Mean To Turn You On (Kaskade's Extended Remix)

5.Kaskade – In This Life

6.Timo Maas ft Kelis – Help Me (Deep Dish Ghost Mix)

7.Kaskade ft Deadmau5 – Move For Me

8.Opencloud & Cristian Panuraru ft Ebb – Life/Is On TV (DJ River Flow Mix)

9.Rachel Starr – To Forever (Moonbeam Mix)

10.Inhaler ft Christian Burns – Something About You (Filthy Rich Remix)

11.Crystal Waters vs Speakerbox – Dancefloor (Fonseca vs Lane Mix)

12.Made By Monkeys – I Try (Peter Rauhofer Roxy Mix)

13.Lydia Rhodes – Away (Peter Rauhofer Unreleased Mix)

Raleigh, NC, News Story Regarding HIV

2008-08-15T20:43:00.000-07:00

Attorney wants closed court for client's health-law case

Posted: Today at 5:18 p.m. (WRAL.com)
Updated: Today at 7:30 p.m.

Raleigh, N.C. — The case of a Raleigh man charged with a public health violation was continued Friday after his attorney said she does not want the matter heard in open court.

JWW (I am blocking his name since I know him) was arrested in April on charges stemming from North Carolina General Statute 130A-144 (f), which requires all people to comply with measures controlling communicable diseases, and North Carolina Administrative Code 10-41 A.02020 (1)(a)(e), which addresses control measures regarding HIV.

According to an arrest warrant, the alleged offenses ranged from Aug. 1, 2006, to the present. W is out of jail on a $50,000 bond.

W's attorney, Evonne Hopkins, tried to have a judge close proceedings Friday morning when W was in court for what was to have been a plea deal with prosecutors. She said it is a sensitive matter and that exposing medical information might violate medical privacy laws.

"The Americans With Disabilities Act, HIPAA – I'm concerned about State Bar consequences. I am highly alarmed," Hopkins said. She referred to the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act, a federal law that guards patients' privacy.

After several hours of delays and arguments, District Court Judge James Fullwood agreed to continue the case until next Friday.

"We recognize the sensitivity of this issue," Wake County Assistant District Attorney Boz Zellinger said. "We're not out to get anyone."

According to court documents, the Wake County Public Health Department reported W to the district attorney's office.

Although she said she could not talk specifically about W's case, director Gibby Harris said that, in general, the agency has a responsibility to monitor people with communicable diseases to make sure they don't spread them.

"Our intent is to change behavior," Harris said.

When a person is diagnosed with a communicable disease, such as HIV, health officials ask the person to supply a list of people they have had contact with so those people can be notified.

Harris said the patient is initially given an isolation/no-contact order not to spread the disease.

If they fail to comply, they are first warned, Harris said. Criminal charges are a last resort.

"If we see someone who just can't comply for one reason or another or just will not comply, then we do have the option of prosecuting that individual," Harris said.

Overall, there were 229 documented cases of HIV in Wake County last year, down 31 from 2006. Three-quarters of the patients were men.

* Reporter: Amanda Lamb

Because I'm Trying....

2008-08-14T20:56:00.000-07:00

Losing people in your life is never an easy thing to go through. Talking with my roommate tonight I realized how many people I have lost over the last ten years...and even before that, too. I watched people die in the hospital and felt the anguish down to the deepest parts of my soul. There is a joke out there that goes something to the effect that there are three guarantees in life....birth, death and taxes. And the scary part is that it is so true. We are all brought into this life to bring joy to others, and we all pay a tax in one form or another as we live. And then the day finally comes to where the Fates have decided that we need to move on. I believe in a form a reincarnation...I have experienced too much over the years to not believe that we all come back in some form. But I also believe in a power that watches over us and helps guide us down the life road, and gives us shelter when we need it badly. I have to admit that being so far from my 'family' has made things harder when dealing with the emotional problems, but I have to believe that someone is there to hold me when no one else will. Otherwise, I sometimes think that I would drown over the despair that threatens to swallow me whole at times. I know that my first love is with me...I have felt his prescence a few times, and the heart on my wrist is a constant reminder of the love I have for him. I know that he has been gone for nearly nine years, but he still hangs with me. I have to believe....I just have to.

Memorial and Eulogy

2008-08-13T15:47:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, the last few days has been hard on a lot of us with the loss of our friend Duwyann. The funeral was held on Monday. However, a memorial service has been organized for the friends who were unable to attend the services. If you wish to attend, the memorial will be held at Unity Christ Church, Downtown Wilmington, starting at 7pm Thursday night. I know that Duwyann touched many people's lives over the years, and this is a good time to fully remember the good he brought to us all.

Eulogy as written by J.W.Casteen....

FINAL DESTINATION

Jamie “Duwyann” Ward

1976 – August 9, 2008
I was recently reminded in a service such as this of a Bible passage found in Ecclesiastes – Chapter 3. The words from that passage are appropriate for our gathering here tonight:

1To every thing there is a season, and a time for every purpose under the heaven:

2a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

4a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

5a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

6a time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

7a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

8a time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Tonight is the time in which we come together to remember and to celebrate the life of Jamie “Duwyann” Ward. Each of us mourns his passing, and we will continue to do so in the coming days and weeks. However, tonight we are here to celebrate the life of a man that each of us loved in our own way. We are here to recognize, acknowledge, and give thanks for the love that he bestowed upon each of us.

Duwyann loved his family to whom he was known as “Jamie,” “Duwyann,” or “Uncle D.” They love him in many ways, as a son, brother, and uncle. Duwyann was the “baby” of the family, and he relished in the attention. Many times in recent months I reached Duwyann via telephone as he lounged by the pool at his Mom’s house enjoying afternoons with his family. He particularly enjoyed the company of his nieces and nephews, who he adored. Duwyann was preceded in death by his father, Thurman, and that loss, some ten (10) years ago, made the ties of family even more important.

Duwyann loved Paul. Paul has described Duwyann as his soul mate. Duwyann often spoke to me of the care, appreciation, and love that he felt for Paul. They shared many memories. Their passions sometimes flared into a heated word. But, the love that each felt for the other was a constant.

Duwyann loved Roxie, and the menagerie of other animals found in and around his home. Duwyann loved to dance. He loved to spend time with his friends. He had a way of letting each of us know that we were special to him. Perhaps, it can be summed up best in saying that, “Duwyann loved life,” and he had good reason to treasure his life.

Recently, when I relayed to a friend the circumstances of Duwyann’s death, the friend said that the circumstances brought to mind the Final Destination series of movies. As you probably know, the series begins with a group of individuals cheating death only to have death take its revenge in many unusual ways. What my friend did not realize is just how ironic the similarities really were.

Duwyann in fact had cheated death at an early age. As a toddler, Duwyann had been diagnosed with a tumor, which many would have believed terminal. If any of you ever noticed the scar around his abdomen, that scar was a direct result of the bulk of this tumor being removed by surgeons at Duke Hospital. However, removal of the tumor did not rid him of the threat of death.

The growth that threatened his life was all but assured of recurring, and everyone feared that the respite would be short lived. Despite these well-founded fears, the prayers of family and friends were answered when, upon reexamination, there were no signs of the tumor or evidence of its regrowth. Duwyann had been given a second lease on life.

Death caught up to Duwyann last week in a manner and at a time that none of us could have ever predicted. Today, his journeys have ended. He has reached a place of rest and comfort. Each of us can imagine him being welcomed into the loving opened arms of his father. Duwyann’s travels through this life brought him into contact with each of us. Last Friday, Duwyann reached his Final Destination; however, his life, as lived through each of us, will not end.

For more than (30) years, Duwyann lived life to its fullest. He never took his second chance for granted. Each of us here tonight has seen and benefitted from his love for life. We have experienced his passion for living. All of us shared his love in many different ways.

I first met Duwyann when I moved back to Wilmington in 2004. I am not his oldest friend. There are many here who have shared more of his life than me. I am not his closest friend. That accolade goes to others. Nevertheless, he demonstrated to me his limitless ability to bring yet another friend into the fold. I knew him long enough to be the object of his disappointment and more importantly long enough to experience his forgiveness. Over the years, we shared many smiles, and I was privileged to be a beneficiary of his love.

He was an old soul. He was a free spirit. His view of the world was simple. His recipe for life was basic. … “Live life to the fullest. Share life with all around you.”

Each of us basked in the glow of Duwyann’s passion for life. Our hearts were warmed by that glow, and we each learned from him how to better live our own lives. From Duwyann, we learned how to love. We learned how it felt to be loved by him.

I witnessed evidence of that love over the past week. I listened as throngs of family and devoted friends spoke of his life and the loss that they would feel. They spoke of a child with a mischievous streak, who grew into a young man with a rebel’s heart. They spoke of his prodigal travels and of his never-ending quest to solidify his place in the hearts of those who he loved.

Their sentiments were not without recognition of the pangs of life. Their sentiments did not ignore the disappointments and tears that we all experience. However, the trials and tribulations of life could not shroud the love that all felt for Duwyann. The appreciation for Duwyann and for the love that he shared with all was the recurring theme in nearly every conversation.

Through tears of loss, everyone present could see evidence of Duwyann’s love. Even those that could not understand his love felt its effects. Even those who were never privileged to share his love learned from it. His love was never conditioned. It was available to all who returned it. Everyone that shared it was forever changed by the experience.

The Bible speaks of the type of love that Duwyann shared with all of us and highlights the importance of that love. I Corinthians – Chapter 13 reads in part:

Love suffereth long, and is kind; love envieth not; love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up;

Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not its own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil . . .

And now abideth faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

We received a gift by having Duwyann in our lives for thirty-two (32) years. Duwyann showed us all how to love. Let us all repay that gift by committing to taking that love and sharing it with others. Let us all commit to demonstrating that love whenever the opportunities present themselves. Let us never hide or reserve a single loving word or act for the opportunity to share that love may never come again.

Goodbye to a friend

2008-08-08T23:56:00.000-07:00

Today we lost a good friend, Duwyann, due to a freak accident. A sweet guy with an awesome sense of humour, he always knew how to make us laugh, and how to push the right button to get under our skin. He made the day brighter for all those whose path he crossed. I am not going to say much because for once today I am not shaking or trying to see through tears. But I am gonna leave it with a vid...

Thoughts of a tortured mind

2008-08-07T19:59:00.000-07:00

It is scary how things can hit a person, how one single second can change your life. I got a text message from a friend back east that our friend was in the hospital. Of course, me being me, I called back to get the details as I don't like being in the dark...I was that way with Will two years ago, and back in April with Ryan. The details changed my mood from actually cheerful to somber. A freak wind blew an umbrella over at the pool and drove one of the spines into my friend's temple. He now lies in ICU with all of his friends and family wishing and praying for the best.

It seems like 2008 has been the year of oddities and disasters happening. Who would have known that another good friend of mine would have died from methadone...the same drug that killed Will two years ago. Who would have seen me hitting rock bottom in illness and sitting in the hospital overnight while the doctors racked their brains trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Who would have known that I have been fighting my mental issues even harder than ever to maintain a solid and semi-balanced live for the sake of my friends around me. Who would have known that friends around me have been experiencing an increased amount of frights in regards to HIV. I never would have guessed it.

In all of this, though, I have to hope that something good will happen. I can't live believing that all hell has come in 2008, even if I don't have the support network/frame that I would have liked. For the sake of the sanity of those around me who have declared me as their rock in the rough tide, I have to hope that things will get better. Don't worry about me...I'll find that rock that is meant for me.

August 08 CD - Sexual Candy

2008-07-27T08:59:00.001-07:00

Download Sexual Candy - Aug 08

1. Lucas Prata – A Girl Like That (Original Mix)

2. AnnaGrace – You Make Me Feel (Extended Mix)

3. Katy Perry – I Kissed A Girl (DJ Bam Bam & Mixin Marc Remix)

4. Robyn – Who’s That Girl (Seamus Haji Radio Edit)

5. Dragonette – Take It Like A Man (Bimbo Jones Remix)

6. Seal – The Right Life (Josh Harris Radio Edit)

7. Velvet – Chemistry (Eric S Remix Extended)

8. SK8 – Amnesty (Chris Cox Club Anthem)

9. Craig David – Hot Stuff (Chase & Status Mix)

10. The Killers – When You Were Young (Thin White Duke Mix)

11. Holmes Ives ft Avalon Frost – 8 Words (Starkillers Dirty Girl Radio Mix)

12. Sunfreakz – Drive Out (The Attik Mix)

13. Lady Gaga ft Colby Odonis – Just Dance (Bambossa Remix)

14. Ultra Nate – Automatic (Tikaro & Ferran Mix)

15. Morgan Page ft Lissie – The Longest Road(Robbie Rivera Remix)

Confusion of Emotions

2008-07-14T20:30:00.000-07:00

Armin van Buuren ft Chris Jones - Going Wrong

AnnaGrace - You Make Me Feel

Sunfreakz - Drive Out

July CD - Surrender to the Sunrise

2008-06-30T20:40:00.000-07:00

Enjoy!!

Surrender to the Sunrise – July 2008

Milk, Inc – Sunrise (Jeckyll and Hyde Radio Mix)
Donna Summers – Stamp Your Feet (Escape & Collucio Club Mix)
Madonna – Give It 2 Me (Paul Oakenfold remix Edit)
Toby Emerson – Rapture (Chad Cisneros Remix)
Megan McCauley – Tap That (Morgan Page Mix)
Eminem – Business (Brent’s Gettin Down 2 Biz Club Mix)
Kleerup ft Robyn – With Every Heartbeat (Kleerup Remix)
Fragma – Toca’s Miracle 2008 (Chris Lake Ocean Mix)
Robbie Rivera ft Denise Rivera – Back to Zero (2008 Juicy Remix)
Danielle Bollinger – Surrender Me (Moran & Rigg Club Mix)
Armin van Buuren & DJ Shah/Chris Jones – Going Wrong (Armin’s Universal Religion Mix)
Rihanna – Take A Bow (Seamus Haji & Paul Emanuel Club Mix)

A Brand New Day...

2008-06-29T23:02:00.001-07:00

Hey guys...I am now relocated to the Oak Park (92105) area of San Diego with my buddy Kyle. Basically I now am living in a house with hardwood floors, quieter neighbourhood than where I was at, backyard, and the ability to get myself a dog. (Which of course you know I have been looking at dogs since before getting ready for the move last week.) Now is the time for a new start to life and start getting a grasp on my issues and medical problems...and see about getting into the dating game. If only I could kill the stress at work...that would be awesome.

More to come........

Good Charlotte to Start my packing tonight...

2008-06-27T19:18:00.000-07:00

Been putting off packing tonight, but I need to get started...so, time for a little Good Charlotte to put me in the space...next blog will be from my new location ten minutes down the road. =)

June Pride Mix - Forever Bottled Pride

2008-06-09T20:32:00.004-07:00

June marks a month of Pride for many cities across the US. Hope you enjoy FOREVER BOTTELD PRIDE this month.

Christina Aguilera – Genie In a Bottle (Flavio vs Mad Brois Mix)

Rachel Starr – Forever (Vendetta & Modeno Mix)

Cece Winans – Let Everything That Has Breath (Moran & Rigg Radio Edit)

Cyndi Lauper – You Don’t Know (Tony Moran’s Know It All Mix)

68 Beats – Kick It Up (Saeed Younan Mix)

Tina Arena – If I Didn’t Love You (Tony Moran Mix)

Madonna – History (Jacques Lu Cont’s Thin White Duke Mix)

Tony Moran ft Cindy Mizelle – Shine On (Richie Santana’s Dub Mix)

Sia – The Girl You Lost to Cocaine (DJme’s Coked-Up M.P. Extension)

Kristine W – The Boss (Tracy Young’s Big Club Mix)

Coro ft Talessa – Because the Night (Serin Control Electro Mix)