Crazed and Amused

Crazed and Amused...and Home

2012-11-18T23:20:00.000-05:00

DC is everything I remembered and more.

I'm back in a job where I work more than I should and I'm challenged in new ways. I'm learning a new mission. I come home exhausted and unable to explain what I did in a day because to describe it wouldn't do it justice.

My job demands that I travel, but only around the DC-metro area, so I spend more time in my car than in my office. As a result lunch is either a semi-healthy lunch inhaled around 3 PM, or a granola bar (or um...Combos...maybe) that I grab at a 7-11 between meetings and consume, obviously, in the car.

When the work day is done, I come home and drive around my 'hood (sometimes as late as 9) to play the DC "street parking lottery," which often involves shamelessly cheering in my car when I score a spot close to my apartment.

More often than not, I eat a make-shift, nutritionally-suspect dinner in front of the TV in my little apartment that resembles a hotel room much more than my spacious home in the 'burg.

I have friends all over the metro area who I maybe see once a month or less because of our conflicting work and travel schedules.

Is life perfect? Not at all. Do I love it? More than I can ever describe.

But how could I not? This is home.

And now that I'm starting to "settle in" to my new life, I hope to return to writing more regularly. Storytelling, I've decided, is really my passion. Whether it is my own crazy anecdote, or stories of those around me, I think people are really really interesting. And funny.

So as I'm transitioning and navigating this next chapter of life, I decided that the blog must live on! The tagline has changed, but the title remains the same...

Because no matter what happens in my future, there will always be stories to tell. I may not be teaching apathetic engineering students or judging sorority talent shows, but I know I will continue to be crazed and amused by this beautiful life. And I hope you will continue to join me in the fun.

Wanderlust

2012-08-19T12:54:00.000-04:00

wan·der·lust [won-der-luhst] noun
a strong, innate desire to rove or travel about.

I lived in the same house from the summer before kindergarten through high school graduation, and came back to that same house for 24 years until my parents retired to the beach. There are too many memories to recall readily though I know they involved hours on the phone, laughter, tears, boy band obsession, and an absurd amount of neon.

I loved growing up in that neighborhood, with the same friends living on my street. I met so many of them when we entered kindergarten together at 5 years old and (thanks to Facebook) I'm still in touch with a lot of them today. Throughout college and beyond, I loved to come home to the same house, the same mall, and...Ukrop's.

Because of this, I always thought that I would find a home quickly after I graduated (whether it was Richmond or not...it was DEFINITELY going to be a sweet southern town), marry my high school/college boyfriend, settle down, have kids, and give them a similar experience.

Wow.

While I'm sure that there are plenty of people who make this kind of firm declaration and follow through, I clearly was not one of them.

Instead, my high school sweetheart and I parted ways in grad school and I moved to Baltimore. I loved my job and friends there but about a year and a half later, a bigger pull (ProMo) prompted my move to an even bigger city. The Big Apple.

Three years, one battle with cancer, and one terrorist attack later, I moved back to Charm City.

But wouldn't you know it...four years later, other factors beckoned me to the Nation's capital and I found myself in the heart of Washington DC.

I loved it. I loved my job, my friends, my tiny yet awesomely located apartment, and the general energy of the city. It was about that time, 10 years after graduating from grad school, that I realized that I just may be a "city person." I had yet to live in a "sweet southern town" and I felt far from settled. Still, I had the feeling that the little girl who craved small-town life was still in me. So when ProMo got the job in the 'burg, I didn't think of it as a challenge, I thought of it as an adventure and an opportunity to find out once and for all if the small-town life was for me.

Now this may come as a surprise to some of you, but there is a lot that I really like about the 'burg. It is a beautiful place filled with wonderful, warm people and some of my closest friends came from my time there. I love a good challenge, and trying to get 21 year old engineers interested in contract law and insurance is definitely a challenge. :) And there are few things that beat sitting on a deck with a great glass of wine and a view of the mountains.

But I never really felt like I could be myself there. Whether it was because of my job, ProMo's job, the lack of like-minded peers, or because of the wanderlust, I always had a bit of a guard up. While I personally was uncomfortable with never being truly "anonymous" [for example, how many people reading this right now are former students of mine or ProMo's?], I know that this is the exact "small town feel" that so many people crave.

Soon, I could not longer deny it. I am a city girl.

Now, I'm not blind or deaf so I realize that there is a lot about this move that is confusing or worrisome to my friends and family. But in actuality, here's all there is to it: I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the benefits of moving to DC - for myself, my relationships, and my career - far outweigh the negatives or uncertainties.

So maybe this wanderlust is really just a symptom of my never finding the right geographical fit.

Maybe I'm genetically predisposed for restlessness (my parents are immigrants who traveled extensively, after all).

Maybe it's all just a midlife crisis.

Maybe I'm just being selfish.

Maybe I'm doing what so many people wish they could do but fear failure.

I obviously don't have the answers, but I know that after a month in DC, I'm happy and I finally feel like I'm where I belong. Wanderlust? Nope...not right now anyway. But you may want to ask me again in a year, or two, or three. :)

Fat Chance

2012-04-17T08:00:00.000-04:00

When I was in college, I took a sociology class where, in addition to the usual homework and tests, we had to write four papers. The theme was the same - how certain characteristics of our upbringing affected who we had become - but we had to focus on a different topic for each paper: gender, race/ethnic heritage, socioeconomic status, and birth order. It sounds cliche, but I really did learn a lot about myself from doing this exercise. However, one topic that was NOT addressed, but had a huge impact on who I am today is weight.

Weight.

Like a lot of women I know, I have never been satisfied with mine no matter what it is.

I went on my first diet in elementary school.

My nickname when I was little was a filipino slang term for "chubby." I know my parents meant it as a term of endearment (chubby kids are cute, after all), but it still gave me a label very early on that I tried to overcome. For me, it was hard enough being one of the only non-white kids in my neighborhood. I didn't really want to have to deal with being the fat asian kid on top of it.

Those rolls! Cute when you're a toddler, but...

My ways of combating this were two-fold. (1) I relied heavily on my personality to make friends and (2) I was perpetually on some kind of a diet and/or exercise program.

It started with jamming in the living room to my mom's Jane Fonda tapes, continued through reading and adopting Susan Powter's mantra/lifestyle (remember Stop the Insanity!?), moving on to Oprah and Bob Greene, jumping on the fat-free everything bandwagon (Snackwells, frozen yogurt, and bagels comprise a healthy diet, right?), going back to Slim Fast, and eventually succumbing to the low-carb Atkins craze. Meanwhile I was playing tennis and taking aerobics classes and eventually running marathons (slowly).

I think a lot of girls say they were always on a diet, but I was seriously ALWAYS on a diet. Why? I would say mostly because of my culture (i.e. family members greeting me with the arm-pinch and some commentary on my weight at every major filipino gathering), comparisons to my skinny older sister...and...did I mention my culture?!?

Let's just say a low point was when I came home from my freshman year of college and an aunt told me, through pinches and laughter, that I looked pregnant.

It is because of this decades-long battle that I would probably be considered a "yo-yo dieter." I didn't have huge fluctuations, and I never considered myself obese or underweight, but I had my peaks and valleys. Then starting about 10 years ago, I seemed to hover around what I assumed was my "steady state" weight. This weight seemed to stay put no matter what I did. See, while I was arguably in really great shape through running marathons and half-marathons, I was also eating my fair share of nachos, wings and cheese fries and washing it all down with Miller Lite. As a result, the scale rarely budged.

I figured that I was destined to live out my adult life being not as slim, toned, athletic or healthy as I wanted. I tried everything to stay motivated...from bribing myself with vacations [one year, ProMo even agreed to pay for a trip to Key West if I reached my goal weight loss], to putting pictures up on the refrigerator of myself in what I considered my prime (1997).

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING worked for about 10 years. UNTIL...I moved to the 'burg. When I got here, I participated in a free health screening where I learned that my BMI (body mass index) put me in the "overweight" range. While this was mildly alarming, it was more the move itself that set off a chain of events:

(1) Limited friends
(2) Limited food options. (At least of the rich, decadent variety I had grown accustomed to.)
(3) Lots of free time (see #1), which meant
(4) More time to exercise due to lack of going out with friends (and a job that didn't require I work about 6 days a week, 10 hours/day).

Now, it wasn't as easy or as simple as those 4 steps make it seem, but over the course of about a year I eventually lost about 30 pounds. Which is awesome, I can give myself that.

But everything in life is a tradeoff. People rarely "have it all" no matter how it may seem. While I'm super happy to be operating at or close to a "goal weight" right now, and I (not so secretly) love being confused for a student (most of the time, anyway), it has come at a price...

Some "before and after" photos: My vain self would rather not put these "before" pictures out there, but they're already floating around Facebook so why not, right?

At a friend's wedding in May 2008 (left) and college reunion April 2011 (right)

Pure coincidence that I'm wearing rival shirts. :)
Seeing the picture of myself on the left (Sept 2009)
motivated me to REALLY get serious about losing weight.

While I am proud of my health and weight loss accomplishments, I am fully aware that I likely would have never hit these goals if other things in life were "going my way." As a bonus, this whole journey has really done wonders for my psychological perspective. To go along with a previous post's theme, no matter how things may seem, I've learned not to envy or make assumptions about anyone's life - positive or negative. We're all just doing what we can to accomplish our personal best and make the most of the cards we've been dealt.

It turns out that reaching my weight loss goal wasn't the "silver bullet" that I was looking for all this time, and this shouldn't have come as a surprise. What has been slightly unexpected is that I've encountered a whole other set of unanticipated challenges and a not-so-flattering side of people. I'll save that for another blog post, but these challenges have lead to some self-reflection and evaluation and I hope to come out the other side as an even better version of myself.

If nothing else, I think I've finally learned, after nearly 38 years and numerous people telling me this, to not wrap my self-worth around others' perception of me. It sounds so obvious and I feel like it's advice I dole out all the time, but I guess I never took those words to heart.

In the end, it took living in a small college town...in some ways MORE than losing those 30 pounds...for me to finally figure it out.

Judging

2012-03-23T21:00:00.000-04:00

Just before Spring Break [side note: living in a college town means measuring time by semesters and breaks], I was able to partake in one of the rare joys of being immersed in a college atmosphere.

I judged a talent show.

Now call me old fashioned, but my first thoughts when I hear the words "talent show" are of my first grade solo routine to "Funkytown" choreographed by my then-11 year old sister. Well...either that or the kid who sang "The Gambler" every single year of elementary school (and perhaps even into middle school) complete with his clear green visor.

BUT I am not that naive, and I know that Talent Shows these days...and in this atmosphere...are far more along the lines of, say wet t-shirt contests in Cabo than Mr. Wizard magic sets that cost $19.99 at Toys R Us.

And so there I was, front row center, flanked by three of the University's finest athletes.

Judging.

So. much. judging.

Over 30 fraternities and sororities with varying levels of preparedness and intricacies in their routines poured their blood, sweat, and alcohol-soaked tears out on that stage. Trust me when I say there is so much to say about it, and yet so much that words could never truly capture. But here are the things that I learned as a collegiate talent show judge:

The pensive...

College students are creative. Not all of them were, and there was certainly a "theme" of the good routines, but it was clear (and surprising) that most of them put in a great deal of time and effort to make sure that they could compete.

Never underestimate the power of bragging rights. Because that was all that was at stake in this competition. No money. No mass recognition. Simply - bragging rights.

And the snarky...

Stage lighting is never flattering to the back of a female's legs. Period.

While you would think boys have no shame, they do. Especially the poor kid who not only somehow drew the short stick and had to don a pink Speedo, but he also had the misfortune of poorly executing a somersault. Face plants are always embarrassing. Face plant in your hot pink Speedo? Even worse.

And I have to say...

Neon clothing and accessories are just as ridiculous now as they were it in the 80's. Trust.

Seriously. Does ANYONE think this look needs a comeback?

But it was all in good fun. And for "charity" (as all massive gatherings of fraternities and sororities are, obviously). And truth be told, I was not horrified, or scandalized, or even envious. It was just another day in my crazy life. :)

The heart of it all

2012-01-23T22:33:00.001-05:00

I had a blog post all set to go about New Year's Resolutions (and my inability to keep the one that I really tried to keep this year - blogging more often). It was, in my opinion, somewhat funny, something people could find commonality in, but overall, something that I hoped would entertain. The problem is that it was taking me WAY too long to finish. I started it the week after New Year's Day and I kept abandoning it and coming back. I couldn't really get it just right, and it was really bothering me.

Then it hit me. I realized that I was having such a hard time with it because I have been getting away from the reason that I started this blog.

I think I've been putting too much pressure on myself to be an entertainer. I was feeling like a lot of my recent posts had been pretty heavy, and between the desire to liven things back up and (truly) a lack of topics to cover, my choices seemed uninspired.

But I was feeling kind of reflective today and all of a sudden it was really clear. I started this blog as an outlet....

To give my observations of the world around me...to someone other than ProMo.
To share funny stories from class or just living in a college town.
To detail my reactions to trips "home" to DC or to Vegas.

And that was great at first, but soon I realized that I needed some kind of a filter because I was starting to blog about more than just myself. Regardless of what aliases I give people, they - and I - may want a little more privacy. THEY didn't sign up for being on a blog just because they're my friends or family. So I started to take a little more pause before blogging. Rather than mindlessly writing a post and making it go live like I had done before, I carefully considered who would be affected and the potential outcomes.

And suddenly my "outlet" became something more stilted than funny. More serious than silly. And based on offhand comments here and there, I gathered that it wasn't necessarily what people were looking for in my blog. It seemed that they wanted an outlet too...whether it was some light reading to break up the day or something to laugh about with me. I don't mean to say that the pressure I felt was entirely the "fault" of my awesome friends and readers; on the contrary, I probably put way more pressure on myself than any of them could put on me.

So the blog semi-silence comes from a few places: (1) a concerted effort to try to balance the serious with the funny, (2) a dearth of "funny" going on in life right now, and as a result (3), a lack of things to write about.

Now by that I don't mean to imply that there aren't a ton of different things swirling around in my mind. For example, here's just a sampling of my stream of consciousness when walking around campus today:

Why aren't there more places for a non-student, non-parent adult to go out in the 'burg? Why is that so hard?
Why am I considered a snob if I complain about said lack of places?
Where is the line between being a strong personality who doesn't settle and one who is being bossy, bitchy and selfish?
And for that matter, why do we have an opinion of others' lives no matter how much we try not to?
For example, why am I sad that Seal and Heidi are divorcing but completely judgmental about Kim and Kris and Kobe and Vanessa? I don't know these people. What do I care?
And it's not just limited to celebrities, why do I have opinions about my friends' lives but I get shocked when they have opinions about mine?
Why do I let other people's opinions about my life bother me so much and how can I effectively act like I'm not shaken by it?

etc. etc. etc.

So as you can see, my mind bounces around between the absurd and the legitimate. :)

But all of this is to say that I've changed my "new year's resolution" from blogging more often (and by design, probably producing some lackluster posts) to getting back to the heart of this blog. Quality over quantity. Stop worrying so much about what everyone is thinking and just put myself out there.

In the age of TMI, isn't that what blogs are for?

Wrap it up

2011-12-26T22:00:00.000-05:00

The semester is over, the year is almost up and I'm just realizing that this blog is almost one year old! Well... one year from when I remembered that I had a blog. :)

I have been less active this semester and I'm really really going to try harder next year to do more than one post per month. I'm not sure if it's that I'm just used to the shenanigans of students so I don't feel the need to vent about it as much, or if I'm getting apathetic, or even if it's just that I'm more patient.

Truth be told, the semester kind of flew by for me. I am regretful that I feel like I didn't connect with this semester's class as well as in the past and that has kind of bugged me. I'm still trying to pinpoint why it worked out that way and why it bugs me so much.

I've also been very aware of how quickly people are coming into and going from my life, especially students. Again, this is the nature of the job and working in an academic environment, but unlike friends from childhood, high school, college or post-college life, it will be difficult to keep up with most of them. We're not Facebook friends, we don't follow each other on Twitter, and most of them will move on and not look back.

I am insanely curious to know how they're all going to end up. I know that when I was a senior in college, I never could have predicted my life would have gone the way that it has...

I may not have known where I was going to live, but I knew where I didn't want it to be (the north or a big city, obviously)

...and I was SO SURE of what I wanted out of life,

...and who I wanted to be with,

...and of course NONE of that really worked out the way that I thought.

So with all their plans and dreams, I would just love to know how it all turns out for them, but I probably won't. At the end of the day, I can only hope that I impacted their life in some way.

Yes, it's really been quite a year. Hard to believe I was getting ready for a trip to the Philippines a year ago as so much has happened in that time, but it still seems like it went by too quickly. I was blessed with the ability and means to travel to very cool places both far away (Philippines and Switzerland) and not as far (VEGAS!), great family, supportive and amazing friends, and of course always-entertaining students. And then there's these guys:

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Thanks for being my readers and friends! :)

Loss and love

2011-12-10T22:11:00.001-05:00

Well, it's already the end of the semester and I can't believe that I've been so sparse with my blogging. I will try harder next semester! And it's not a crazy story about student apathy that's driving me to blog this time...it's unfortunately another untimely goodbye to an old friend.

Just a few hours ago, I got back from my up-and-back drive to Richmond to bid farewell to Marlo. She is someone that could most accurately be described as a family friend, but she was so much more.

A few blog posts have addressed my childhood and being raised in the filipino community in Richmond in the 70's and 80's, including this one as a tribute to my friend and "sister" A. That post also gives you a small taste of what it was like to grow up with this "family."

It can be hard, even for ProMo, to understand the ties that I have with my Richmond filipino family, especially since I don't go home often. In fact since my parents moved away in 2003, I've only been back a handful of times at best. And since I graduated from high school in the early 90's, there are a bunch of families who have moved in, kids who have grown up, and bonds that appear stronger...and very well may be. But all it takes for me is to go back to the church I grew up in and see all my "aunties" to feel like that little awkward kid with the coke bottle glasses surrounded by love, laughter and lots and lots of food.

Marlo was my girl XT's little sister. XT, Slim and I were (affectionately?) referred to as the "3 musketeers" by our moms and the other aunties. Slim was a year older than me and I was a year older than XT, and our personalities complimented each other in such a crazy way that we could collectively cause our mothers to shake their heads and whisper tagalog phrases to each other that usually translated to something like, "What are we going to do with these crazy girls?" I mean, they actually probably translated to something much less benign, but let's go with that...

The most recent pic of the 3 musketeers. Slim (right) has known me since the day I was born and we've both known XT since she was born.

Anyway, I think it's no secret to anyone who knows me that I'm a little bossy. [Actually, this was news to me the first time I heard it as an adult, but apparently it's true.]

I blame my sister. She's 6 years older than me and she bossed me around. I unfortunately had no little sister to boss around so instead I took it out on my younger friends, including (as she will freely tell you) XT. And luckily for me, Slim and XT had little sisters that they LOVED bossing around, so I happily joined in. Slim's sister didn't really take it too well, and Slim was very sporadic with her bossing (at least around me) so that left XT's sister to receive the brunt of our collective bossing. But she was great about it.

The evil genius part of this is that XT is hilarious and creative and I just had pent-up bossiness to unleash so between the two of us, poor Marlo was tormented. My particular favorite story was one time when Marlo was having a slumber party with her friends and they decided to watch horror movies: specifically, Nightmare on Elm Street. So XT, Slim and I decided to tape Q-tips to Slim's fingers, put "Pizazz," which was - yes - red tinted hair mousse [what? it was the 80's] all over her arm and hand, and pretend that she had turned into Freddy Kruger.

It didn't end there. While they were happily giggling, whispering and being little girls in Marlo's room, we took a Cabbage Patch Kid, hung it lynch-style from the door knob (while the door was closed) and pinned a sign to its shirt that said "You're next!" We then hid and flung the door open so that all they saw was a Cabbage Patch Kid dangling from the door knob with a crazy ransom-style sign pinned to it.

I said we were creative, I never said we were nice.

Anyway, the point of all that is that Marlo just took it. She was a sweet, honest soul. A middle child in a family full of big personalities. And because XT and I were so close, a lot of the time she was the little sister that I never had...

She faced chronic sickness for much of her life but, as cliched as it sounds, she truly lived life to the fullest and added so much to so many people's lives. And because the loss was so sudden and unexpected, I was once again reminded to tell my loved ones how much they mean to me, never take anyone for granted, and try to be the best friend that I can be.

No regrets, just love.

The Changing of the Guard

2011-11-22T23:30:00.000-05:00

Despite my lack of posts through this fall, life has not actually been all that boring. On the contrary, it's been a pretty good year so far! We've had a bunch of house guests (because of football season), I've only gone out of town a couple of times, and most shockingly, I haven't minded sticking around. :)

I have to admit that a lot of this has to do with the changing of the guard of my teaching assistant, or TA. I'm still not sure what it says about me that I relate to my TA's more than my colleagues, but nevertheless, the two that I've had so far have become two of my closest friends.

Over the span of a year, L (TA from 2010-2011) went from a smart, sweet and easy-to-get-along-with TA to a Vegas, Britney, tailgating and Brew Do partner. :)

Me and L in VEGAS!...

...and tailgating :)

I've blogged about her several times from the first time she and D dragged me out downtown, to her "farewell tour" in May.

But this, I believe is the blog debut of this year's TA, who I'm going to call Golden Boy.

Golden Boy is given that name for a few reasons. He's a massive overachiever who is getting a ridiculous number of degrees (1 bachelor's, 3 masters') in the time that it takes a lot of students just to get one. When he's not doing homework or in one of his 8 (9?) classes, he is probably coming up with his latest idea to help out in developing countries. He is also just a super nice guy.

He and L are similar in that they're both a lot of fun and I could hang out with either of them forever and not get bored. They can make me laugh until I cry and they both have amazing hearts. They are very loyal to their friends and they're both really really smart. As an extension, they are both really great TAs. :)

However, they are also extremely different.

L is perhaps the single most laid-back person I've ever met, and Golden Boy (GB) is super intense and always seems to be thinking of 1000 different things at once.

L is a great drinking buddy, and the only thing GB pounds is Coca-Cola. OK maybe coffee too...and candy.

It's funny that one of the things that I've wrestled with the most during my time here in the 'burg has actually been the most rewarding: the mental shift into being OK with creating friendships with these TAs.

The trick was that I had to start thinking of them as not just students (or ex-students). In my professional life, I have been lucky enough to count most of my supervisors and "supervisees" among my friends. In fact, all of my closest friends in my adult life have been the people I worked with, so why should this be any different? I don't know that it should.

And so Golden Boy is reaping the benefits of this realization much earlier than L did. In fact, we have already had some pretty great adventures. Maybe not of the crazy "What just happened?!?" variety that I had with L and D, but fun in a different way.

Who's the boss?

And once again I've learned that sometimes you can find great friends in the most unexpected places. :)

Mentors

2011-10-29T16:27:00.000-04:00

This week I had the pleasure of going back to Duke, which I always love! I was asked to be on an alumni panel for the engineering school.

Yes, you read correctly. I was asked to be on an alumni panel.

I KNOW. It's crazy right?! I mean, I know I give advice to students almost every day as a part of my job, but usually it's along the variety of "Can you force add me to this class?" or "Which of these advanced electives is the easiest?" or "What do you mean I can't graduate on time?!"

I honestly never thought that I would actually be asked to be on a panel of alumni doling out pearls of wisdom for students on my stellar career. I was a pretty middle-of-the-road student at Duke and I've had anything but a conventional path after leaving there. But it turns out that I have had some pretty useful experiences to reflect on.

One of the questions was about mentors. At first, this one tripped me up a little bit. Without a clear career path, I've never really sat back and thought of who has been most influential in my professional life. I've had some good bosses, but I wouldn't say that any of them really shaped my future. Then I thought of one of my professors who clearly affected my life: Dr. J. He kept me interested in engineering, he was the first college professor to show that he cared, he was a great teacher, and he was respectful, funny, and smart. I had him for 2 or 3 classes and it was in one of these classes that I had my first all-nighter.

Actually it was an all-four-nighter. I was awake for four days. Straight. OK, I took one 1-hour nap and one 2-hour nap in that time, but I was awake for 93 out of 96 hours.

Diet of choice? Doritos and diet snapple.

Hallucinations? Numerous. My friend Cat's favorite was the one where I thought there were fairies all around my room. Yes, I know they weren't real but that doesn't mean I didn't see them.

But it was all worth it. The project I was working on turned out great (even though I sacrificed studying for a final exam or two along the way) and it was probably the most satisfied and accomplished, academically, that I felt in my whole time there. It wasn't because I had my best grades that semester, but because someone showed that they believed in me when I didn't. I was frustrated with the project and Dr. J didn't coddle me, but he knew how to bring out the best work in me. He turned someone who was slightly apathetic into someone who was extremely determined and motivated.

Sometimes our biggest accomplishments and character-builders come from just building relationships and taking time to let people help beyond just directing your work or teaching you facts in a classroom.

From the second I got on that campus as a freshman, I felt a lot of pressure to be successful. And it was such an incredibly competitive environment that it made me question and, frankly, underestimate my own intelligence. My confidence went from shaky to almost zero. That's where Dr. J came in and whether he realized it or not, he encouraged me to believe and see that I was as smart as he thought I was.

I don't know what he's doing now (though I do know that he's no longer in academia) or if he realizes how much he affected my life. My best way to pay tribute to him is to try to pay it forward and try to bring out the best in others. I'm not the smartest teacher that my students will have, but I hope that I can help them be the best that they can be, because you never know when that middle-of-the-road student will be on the verge of calling it quits or thinking that they're less than they are.

Going Jersey

2011-09-21T21:00:00.000-04:00

I consider myself a pretty nice, relatively even-tempered person. In fact, while I am quite opinionated, I am more concerned about putting people off so I try not to be too loud about said opinions unless I'm really pushed.

I think a lot of that has to do with my dual background: asian and southern. Between the two cultures, I was not really encouraged to speak my mind too much. I was pretty comfortable with that, which was a huge reason why I was hesitant to move to the New York City area. But...

I distinctly remember when that all changed. I had lived in Hoboken and worked in Manhattan for only a couple of months. I was still getting used to parallel parking, maneuvering a mass-transit system and not making eye contact, but the trigger was something fairly innocuous.

I was at a CVS store and as the cashier handed me my change, I said, "Thank you." So far so good, right? Well, she looked at me like I had 3 heads, glared at me and mumbled something back that didn't even resemble "You're Welcome."

I was shocked, semi-insulted, and...about 5 minutes later...really irritated.

And thus began my slow yet steady transition, for the better, I think, of standing up for myself more. That 5 minute reaction time decreased until, very slowly, I became used to giving an immediate reaction that was a little more expressive than a look of shock and hurt. In fact, it can get a little angry. And occasionally, I will go beyond that.

I will Go Jersey.

Long before Jersey Shore became well-known for the almost weekly brawls, I credited living in the NYC metro area with bringing out a certain...pugnacious side of me. It's not that I would intentionally pick fights, but when pushed to the limit, my sweet demeanor could turn. Quickly.

My friends and I started calling this, "going Jersey." It would come out at predictable moments: when people cut me off on the Turnpike, when oglers would get too aggressive on the streets of the city and of course, when people yelled at me.

A classic story of going Jersey happened while I was in, of all places, Baltimore. ProMo and I were passing through on our way south to visit our parents, and after a fun night out with some friends, we decided to get a slice of pizza to eat in the car before we hit the road. Now, at this point my car...excuse me...my Pontiac Sunfire sedan...was pretty banged up from, well, living in Jersey and staying generally parked on the streets.

They call them "bumpers" for a reason.

So there we are, ProMo and I, listening to some rap music, windows down, singing along, eating our pizza and savoring each delicious, greasy bite as if our lives depended on it. Just then a car pulls up ahead and attempts to parallel park in the spot in front of us. Now I know that I was and am biased, but even to the novice parallel parker, this spot was a no-brainer. The driver (a female) seems hesitant. She tries, fails, and re-tries. ProMo and I, in a fantastic mood, are happily cheering her on. She almost has it. I, in the driver's seat and still singing, jamming, and eating pizza, gesture for her to keep backing up. The windows are down in the car and ProMo and I are both saying things like, "keep going! You've got it!"

Actually, she's still having trouble. Our cheerleading is not helping. At this point, her boyfriend gets out of the car to help. Our eyes start rolling. Now all three of us are coaching her.

She is close to my front bumper but this is her best attempt yet at actually getting into the spot. Boyfriend looks nervous. ProMo and I are STILL gesturing for her to keep backing up. Between greasy bites and singing, I'm saying things like, "That's what bumpers are for!" and "My car is crap anyway!" and my personal favorite, "Keep going until you hit resistance! Trust me!"

And again, this was a HUGE spot.

Boyfriend's worried look is slowly turning into a look of annoyance. In my head I'm thinking, "Surely this annoyed and suddenly sour face isn't directed towards me. I'm coaching her, for goodness sake." He then opens his mouth and yells...YELLS!... "MOVE!...BACK!"

ProMo and I are dumbfounded. Silent. Music is still blasting but I am acutely aware of at least 2 seconds of silence as I blink and stare with pizza grease dripping from the side of my mouth.

At that point, I'm not exactly sure what happened. I remember lots of yelling and gesturing (if you know me, you know I talk A LOT with my hands), pointing and cursing from both me AND ProMo. Pretty sure pizza bits were flying out of my mouth too. At some point, ProMo either stopped for a breath or realized what we were doing and stopped which made my final words all that much clearer: "...AND BY THE WAY I COULD PARK TWO F-ING CARS IN THAT SPOT!!"

Now it's boyfriend's turn to stare and blink. He quickly and quietly gets into girlfriend's car and they speed off, abadoning the spot and presumably their dreams of pizza for the night.

It's quiet (except for the rap music), I'm still fuming and ProMo says quietly..."I think maybe it's time for us to move away from Jersey..."

And that, my friends, is what it means to Go Jersey.

Thankful

2011-09-08T18:00:00.000-04:00

This week, I have started a few blog posts related to funny stories from the weekend, my dogs, my klutziness, and other assorted encounters I've had recently. But in the back of my head, I know what I really want to do is write something related to 9/11.

I started to just post an email that I wrote to my family and friends 2 days after 9/11/01 but it was (a) too long and (b) just a little too raw, still, for me to do it.

If you're a regular reader, you may already know that I was in the middle of chemotherapy (but not actually getting chemo that day) and working in Manhattan when two planes flew into the Twin Towers just a few short blocks from my office.

Growing up, I never thought I'd live or work in the New York City area. So it's pretty ironic that it is one of the places that I feel most connected to. I guess it's natural considering everything that happened in my life in the 3 1/2 years that I lived there.

I know my story and experience is one among billions, and you've probably seen or read a few of them this week as they are all over the TV and news. If you were alive and old enough to remember that day, it is impossible to not have your own story. And even though I rarely have a problem speaking my mind, I find it difficult to find the words that I want to say in this particular blog post.

I remember every thought and feeling I had that day.

Of course there were the big memories of sights, sounds and smells that I won't forget. But, whether it's a self-defense mechanism or not, I also distinctly remember the little things that made me smile, gave me some hope and reminded me to be thankful for the things that I had.

Another theme that you'll probably notice in this blog is that I get really attached to my friends. I am forever tied to the ones that I worked with that day who, while time and distance have lead us to not communicate often anymore, I will always consider a huge and special part of my life. Not only did I experience every second of the morning of 9/11/01 with them, but they were also there for me in so many ways during my 8 months of chemo. While I try not to use people's real names on this blog, I can't help but thank them by their true (first only) names here, just in case they read this:

Tiff, Rob, Pete, Russ, Steve and especially my buddy Billy.

We've all moved on with life but I know that as long as I live I will never forget them.

So instead of re-living and expressing my thoughts and feelings from that day and the days and weeks afterwards, I'll simply say that I am so thankful for life, love and friendship. We shouldn't need a tragedy or an anniversary of a tragedy to remind us that life is so very short.

Live, laugh, love.


Taken June 2001 when some great friends who came to visit right after I was diagnosed and we snapped this pic from the park in Hoboken with lower Manhattan in the background.

Home Alone

2011-08-30T22:12:00.000-04:00

ProMo is off on another international conference adventure which means over a week of "bachelorette" time for me! Since we've moved to the 'burg, this has happened pretty often, which is great for him and his career. For me, well...

Initially, I whine. I say that I'll be lonely. He and I hang out all the time and many days he's the only person that I talk to, so when he's gone I can go the entire day without talking to anyone. But after a day or so, I start getting used to it.

Then, the inner OCD geek comes out.

I kind of like...OK...I really like being in control of my schedule, meals, and of course the television. I should not admit this, but I even plan out all my meals (normal) and at least one household chore (not as normal) every day. I print off a schedule - which is actually supposed to be a meal planner - and I change the column of "snacks" to "chores." I really enjoy doing it and I follow it every time.

I know. I'm not right.

While I do get excited about it like the nerd that I am, I am also fully aware that my days are playing out like a scene (below) from the movie 40 Year Old Virgin.

Seriously. If I had little figurines to paint like Andy (Steve Carell) did in the movie, I probably would. Instead, I do one or all of the following: play Wii, sing karaoke or do sudoku puzzles.

It makes me wonder what I would be like if I were still single. While I would love to think I'd be sipping a glass of wine in a bubble bath every night, I'm pretty sure I'd just be curled up with some puzzles and a dog and maybe some Glee. And frankly, that wouldn't be so bad.

Almost famous, again

2011-08-28T21:27:00.000-04:00

Book signings and promotional interviews...

What did I almost have in common with Chelsea Handler, Kathy Griffin and Tina Fey?

Over the summer, I was almost an author of a major publication! Seriously!

Here's the story...early in the summer, an established author put out a call for co-authors through some academic circles. And while the premise of the book was engineering, it wasn't a textbook. Instead, it was meant to be a collection of nuggets of info that one learns as an engineering student.

It was a book about engineering for non-engineers!

Right away, I got excited. I felt like there was SO MUCH that I could contribute to this book. It seemed like the perfect fit.

So I reached out to the author, forwarded him my resume and told him what I thought I could bring to the table. He promptly put me on his short list. What followed were a few weeks (which felt like months) of back and forth, bouncing ideas off of each other. The further we got into the process, the more I felt like I was getting into a relationship.

First, the awkward getting-to-know you phase.

He called and we chatted and learned more about each other. Of course, I tried to charm him with my personality. And while he was a pretty serious guy, he still laughed at my jokes and sounded interested in my teaching philosophy. He's an architect so we talked about how we both had preconceived notions of the other's occupation. I listened to him talk about his journey as an author and why he wanted to write this book. In the end, I hung up the phone and thought my chances were great.

Next, the bliss of the first dates.

First writing dates, that is. I was one of about 5 finalists so for the next step, I had to come up with a few writing samples on the topic that we would work on together. The goal, of course was to see if we had the right "chemistry." I quickly came up with a few ideas and sent them along.

At first, it was great. He had a bunch of suggestions and ideas that he bounced right back to me. We were both excited. I agreed with some of his ideas and disagreed with others, but when I made revisions, I always thought they were vast improvements. We were working together to make ourselves collectively better!

But then the reality of being in a relationship sets in...

I thought my ideas were fantastic and I began to think that this could be my moment of greatness. We spoke a few times and we emailed each other frequently. Every time I gave him samples that I thought could not go wrong, he would come back wanting something more, or something less.

It got harder for me to predict what he would want from me. I would tweak my samples and think that this would be the edit that clicked and he would offer me the job. But after a day or two, he would come back with more changes. I was sometimes confused and other times frustrated by his directives, and I perceived that he was probably equally frustrated and confused by me. We were both still hopeful, but we didn't seem to be communicating on the same plane.

We talk it out...

This was where I kind of felt like I was on The Bachelor. He was having a hard time making a decision so he decided to call all the candidates one more time to talk about where we were in the process. We re-connected. He talked about what I brought to the table that he really liked, but also expressed his concerns over the things that I lacked. His problem was that none of us (his finalists) really were the "perfect package" for him, so he was trying spark that additional something in all of us to see who could rise to the top.

I said that I understood and that I still wanted to make it work. We said we would re-group and I would send him yet another edit that would hopefully show that I could bring that extra quality that he was looking for. Still, I could feel myself getting more detatched.

Will I get the proverbial "final rose"?!

...then I decide to end it

Maybe it was the amount of time the process had taken. Maybe I panicked when I thought of how much time I had already spent on it and I didn't feel like we had made any progress. Most likely, it was because I came to understand that he and I did not have the same vision for this book. And since he was the primary author, I knew that if I did get the job, I would likely continue to be frustrated and confused for the duration of the collaboration.

The Break Up

I love a good challenge so I hated to quit, but I couldn't see the relationship going in a good direction. After much deliberation, I emailed him and withdrew my name from consideration. He said he was disappointed, tried to get me to change my mind, but in the end, he respected my wishes. We wished each other well and moved on.

I hope he found what he was looking for and I am disappointed that I couldn't find the "magic" with him, but it just wasn't a good fit. And so it wasn't meant to be! My brush with (almost) fame was just a brush.

Oh well, there's always that dream to be on Big Brother...

Happy New (Academic) Year!

2011-08-21T14:19:00.027-04:00

Top 10 things that make me grumpy at back-to-school time:

1. The town and university have an uncanny knack for starting construction approximately 3 weeks before the town quadruples in size.

2. The impending doom of listening to lame excuses. Do students think I'm that naive? Do they believe themselves? Tip: Before you give me an excuse, try it out on your roommates/siblings/dog. If any of them burst out laughing, don't try it with me.

3. Most of the drivers on the road have had their license for 5 years or less, turning the town into, more or less, a student-driving closed course.

4. To quote a colleague, "Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part."

5. Weighing the cost/benefit of going to a bar that is fun and plays good music, yet is crowded by sweaty, wasted college students who scream your name from across the bar. Yes, I can hear you and yes, I am ignoring you.

6. Gross public bathrooms. On campus, in restaurants, and especially in bars. Seriously - who potty trained you? And how long ago?

7. I am your advisor, not your mother. I will not do your work, look things up or make phone calls on your behalf...and neither should you mother, by the way.

8. Pedestrian traffic jams.

9. This. question. "So, do you work in the summer?"

10. Bouncers that give you a hard time even though you're (technically) old enough to be their mother. Yes, that is my real ID. You should not question it for the mere reason that no one under 21 would really have the cajones to use a fake ID that says that they're 37.

So. Not. Ready. For. This.

Top 10 things that make me happy at back to school time! :)

1. Liveliness!! Nothing beats the energy of students coming back from summer break. This is the only time they're excited about doing work.

2. On campus eateries are actually open, which pretty much triples the number of places to eat in the 'burg.

3. More people to talk to. Followed up closely by...

4. More people that listen to, and with any luck, care about what I say.

5. A new TA to harass! Teaching assistant, personal assistant...same difference, right?

6. The return of college sports and rivalries...and tailgating. :)

7. Seeing what kind of fun new outfits and hair styles the students are trying to pull off this year.

8. Being thankful that I don't have to study or do homework on Sundays anymore.

9. Music, frisbee and sports on the Drillfield.

10. VISITORS!!

Heeerree we go!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cinematic

2011-08-14T18:00:00.004-04:00

For as much as I love/am semi-obsessed with pop culture, I surprisingly have a difficult time getting into movies. There are many classics that I've never seen, though I could probably tell you the plot line and/or the stars of the movie.

I attribute a lot of this to the fact that anything too violent or scary was either banned by my parents or gave me too many nightmares to even think about. As a side note, I had a LOT of nightmares as a kid so the thought of watching any kind of suspense or horror flick was almost laughably ridiculous. I had nightmares about Freddy Krueger...which was even more terrifying because I was convinced I was therefore going to die in my sleep.

So as a result, I developed a love for comedies and love stories. Yes, your typical chick flicks and 80's comedies. Needless to say, John Hughes films were in heavy rotation for me and of course I wanted to dress like Molly Ringwald and date a Brat Pack-er (when I wasn't pining after Duran Duran, Ralph Macchio, or River Phoenix).

The "Brat Pack" in their St. Elmo's Fire heyday

In the 25-ish years since my discovery of the sweet yet hilarious genius of Hughes films, I've acquired a list of films - most that came out in the 90's or early 2000's - that I don't think got the recognition they deserved, even if they are movies that everyone knows. So here are some of my superlative movies that I feel, for one reason or another, did not and have not gotten the recognition that they deserve as "classics" in their own way.

Best sign of Disney's resurgence, pre-Pixar:

The Little Mermaid

It can be argued that this, as every Disney movie, is a classic. But I had to include it on this list because in my mind this is the best. Disney. movie. EVER.

There is no other Disney movie that I sing along to more than The Little Mermaid. Maybe it's because it came out when I was in high school and really into show tunes. Maybe it's because the chaperone/crab sounded like the guy from the 7-Up commercials (look it up, kids). I can't pinpoint the reason I loved it so.

All I know is that when I got my wisdom teeth out in college, the only thing I wanted to do was snuggle with my stuffed "Flounder" toy and watch The Little Mermaid over and over and over again.

Best flashback at a tragic comic genius - 90's version:

Tommy Boy

Farley. Spade. And the world-wide introduction of "fat guy in a little coat."

Before digital video recorders, my roommate LAF and I would pop this into the VCR at least once a week and watch it. It got to the point that I could not only quote the entire movie, but I perfected the fast forward/stop timing to hit the (numerous) scenes that would bring me to tears with laughter. There are too many hilarious moments in this movie for me to quote right now....but here are some of my favorites (besides the aforementioned "fat guy" comment):

"Did I hear a 'niner' in there? Are you on a walkie talkie?"
"Your head is a thick candy shell."
"Bees! They're everywhere! Save yourself!"
"Brothers don't shake hands. BROTHERS GOTTA HUG!"
"Shut up, Richard."

Best rom-com you've never heard of: A Lot Like Love

I do believe that this movie was the beginning of my obsession with Ashton Kutcher. While I enjoyed him in That 70's Show, I frankly preferred the nerdy, awkward character of Eric (Topher Grace) to the dim, vain Kelso.

Hotties

So I never thought much of him until I saw him as the romantic lead in this movie. He and Amanda Peete had really good chemistry, and you were never quite sure where the story was going to take you. Both characters were funny, believable, and if you're a sap like me, made your heart ache a little throughout the movie. Rent it and see for yourself.

Here's one of my favorite moments. Bon Jovi? Ashton Kutcher? What's not to like?

Cheesiest Tearjerker not called "The Notebook":

A Walk to Remember

I remember hearing about this movie when it came out because it had Mandy Moore in it and I think this may have been one of her first "lead actress" roles, plus it was based on a very popular book (which I of course had not read). Then I remember hearing how over-the-top cheesy it was and, as with any movie based on a book, how the book was "soooo much better."

So I didn't bother to try to watch it. Until one day when I was out of town for work, in my hotel room alone after a long day. I had just finished working and, knowing full well that I had to wake up at 4 AM the next day, I flipped to TBS or TNT and the movie had just started...at 11 PM. I was of course riveted immediately, HAD to stay up to watch the end and sobbed my way to sleep shortly after 1 AM.

I don't know if it it was the lack of sleep and exhaustion, the storyline (which I didn't know much about before I watched it) or Mandy Moore. But I was not just tearing up...I was HEAVING SOBS and went through probably about half a box of tissues. Tearjerker, indeed.

The original "female-version-of-The Hangover":

The Sweetest Thing

Long before Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph were the Bridesmaid and bride, we had Cameron Diaz, Christina Applegate and Selma Blair as a seriously hysterical trio of friends. They were rude and crude but hilarious and believable. Maybe the situations they got themselves into weren't so plausible, but can't you say the same about The Hangover [what's less believable...taking a road trip to crash a wedding and meet up with some guy you randomly met at a club or stealing Mike Tyson's tiger?]? The appeal was that I saw and heard so many of my own conversations with my crazy friends in it.

They were who we were, who we wanted to be, and who we were glad that we weren't.

Here's one choice scene. Oh, gravity...

Movie that will always make me smile: Steel Magnolias

I love everything about this movie. It is hilarious. It makes me cry. The actresses have amazing chemistry and make the story so riveting. After Mystic Pizza but before Pretty Woman, this movie helped the world "discover" Julia Roberts. She was gorgeous and a fantastic actress, more than holding her own against the likes of Sally Field, Shirley MacLaine and Olympia Dukakis.

And best of all, it's almost as quotable for me as Tommy Boy! Granted, in a much different way, but quotable nonetheless.

"My colors are blush and bashful...Pink is my signature color."
"You know what they say, if you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me!"
"The only thing that separates us from animals is our ability to accessorize"
"Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion"

What would YOU add to this list? Tell me in the comments section!

A Crisis?

2011-08-01T20:00:00.003-04:00

"Define mid-life crisis..."

ProMo and I traveled out of town yet again a couple of weekends ago to celebrate the birthday of one of our very good friends. She is our age...that is, late 30's....as were most of her guests. One of the circles that I found myself in was discussing at what age one could categorize his or her erratic actions as a mid-life crisis. To me, it always sounded like something reserved for tired, overweight, balding men who suddenly bought convertibles or sports cars. Not someone like me...right?

Right?!?

My previous blog post illustrates that this summer has been a little reflective for me and perhaps I should just read that to see the beginnings of a crisis...if it is indeed a crisis. Was it triggered by my birthday, aka the tangible transition from my "mid-30's" (acceptable, hip) to my "late-30's" (or as my friends have shortened it..."almost 40")? Or was it triggered by the realization that the current freshman were born after I had already graduated high school? I've always been OK with my age and birthdays, and I have changed my career path a few times (as have many of my Gen X peers), so what is causing this current sense of dread and panic?

Is it a mid-life crisis?

When I checked with wikipedia, here are the buzzwords from their definition.

"a period of dramatic self-doubt that is felt by some individuals in the 'middle years' or middle age of life, as a result of sensing the passing of their own youth and the imminence of their old age"

"triggered by transitions experienced in these years, such as extramarital affairs, andropause or menopause, the death of parents or other causes of grief, unemployment or underemployment, realizing that a job or career is hated but not knowing how else to earn an equivalent living,"

"result may be a desire to make significant changes in core aspects of day-to-day life or situation, such as in career, work-life balance, marriage, romantic relationships, big-ticket expenditures, or physical appearance."

So a logical conclusion from my wikipedia pop-quiz would be that I am indeed going through a mid-life crisis.

Another symptom? My enthusiastic attendance at the Britney Spears concert this weekend.

That said, it is also true that I have ALWAYS loved cheesy pop music, I have a clear tendency to get restless living in the same place for more than 3 years, and all who know me know my passion for travel and other "big-ticket expenditures."

So I am inclined to say that this is, in fact, not a mid-life crisis.

It's a pre-existing condition. :)

So Moeny style and song

2011-07-24T16:46:00.001-04:00

I have a post that I started last week and have worked on for a few days. BUT unfortunately, it isn't at the point where I feel like it's "just right." So in the meantime, I thought I'd share a couple of links to tide over any of you who may be looking for a little light summer entertainment. :)

Stylin' and profilin'

The first is my 15 minutes of not-exactly-fame! Back in the spring at the end of the semester, I was walking from my office to my car when I got stopped by a man with a camera who asked if he could take my picture. Now, when I get stopped on campus, it's usually because someone wants to ask for directions or a group of students are asking me to make a donation to some cause, so this was a little jarring for me. He then explained that he wrote a style blog for the local paper, the Roanoke Times. Never missing a chance for a photo op, I said sure! Here's the result:

http://blogs.roanoke.com/stylestreet/

A second listen

OK so...I am a bit of a Howard Stern fan. Have been since I lived in Hoboken. There, I said it.

We stopped listening to Howard out of necessity when he moved off of "terrestrial radio" and onto Sirius satellite radio. Living in Baltimore at the time, we didn't feel the need to splurge for satellite just to hear Howard. But once we moved here and realized that a good portion of our road trips were through radio "dead zones," we decide that satellite was a good option for us now. We love it for many reasons, but an added bonus we can listen to Howard again!

Anyway, this past week, there was a lot of buzz surrounding Howard's interview with Lady Gaga. I've listened to replays a couple of times throughout the weekend and I have to say that many of my opinions of her as a person and artist changed after this interview. And regardless of what your opinion of her may be, I urge you to view the video below.

This is the version of her song "Edge of Glory" that she performed in Howard's studio. It was simply her voice and a piano (which she played) but it completely changed my opinion of this song. I feel like the radio version of this song is extremely pop, nothing really unique or spectacular, and even its 80's influences (i.e. cheesy sax solo) couldn't really sway me.

Then I heard this version and the story behind it, and it was like a totally new song for me. I'm still not a 100% fan of the radio version, but now I can at least envision this and have a new appreciation for it.

Please please please...no matter what you think of Lady Gaga, I ask you to take about 5 minutes to watch this video!

As a background: she wrote this song as/after she was with her grandfather as he was dying. It was inspired by her (and her father's) feelings on watching her grandfather's last breaths and coming to terms with that moment. [You'll notice that she says, "That's about the tequila" after she sings the line "Another shot before we kiss the other side." This is in reference to the fact that she and her dad did a tequila shot when they took a moment to themselves and left the hospice just before (or after...I forget) her grandfather passed away.]

Simply beautiful!

Disoriented

2011-07-13T23:08:00.000-04:00

Orientation.

Every July, over a span of 3 weeks, groups of anxious 17/18-year-olds and their families descend on the 'burg and learn...well, I'm not exactly sure what they learn. Because I didn't go here. But whatever it is, they do it in circle formation, sitting outside, with an overly upbeat college kid in a maroon and orange polo shirt directing them.

While we are a mere 3 days into orientation for this year, ProMo and I are already grumbling about how all the lunch places downtown are crowded and how it's too soon to be inundated with students. This alone could make me grumpy but as I was walking back from lunch today, I recalled something that I already knew, but served as the latest in a stream of reminders that time is marching along more quickly than I would like.

They were born in 1993.


Me circa 1993 - when the current freshmen were born.	Flannel shirt? check.

To my younger readers, this may not be a big deal. But to my contemporaries who may not work in a school-type environment, chew on this...

I had just gotten used to the fact that the students I've taught for the past couple of years were born in the late 80's and didn't know who the band Duran Duran is or understand my obsession with them.

Duran Duran? Hubba hubba.

Now I'm hit with a group that was born AFTER the heyday of not just Michael Jackson and Duran Duran, but New Kids on the Block, MC Hammer, Guns n Roses, The Cure, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and Nirvana.

Nirvana!! Forget the 80's...most of the 90's is unmemorable for this crew.

Chalk it up to the latest reminder of my age that has happened in the very short time since we got back from Switzerland. It all started with, of course, my birthday in the end of June. Not everyone cares or even thinks about their birthday. Some don't even celebrate it.

This is not my world.

My birthday is a date that I have always looked forward to. Not because I had fabulous, grand parties as a kid. (Actually, because of my summer birthday I never got the cupcake party in school and I was usually either out of town or most of my friends were.)

No, I loved it because it was all. about. ME! I cherished it, loved it and held it on such a pedestal that I gave it a name.

Stelabration!

The original Stelabration

The start of a new tradition in B'more...Stelabration, Camden Yards style (my name's on there somewhere)

Oh, I still love it. But for the first time, I felt the slightest sense of dread that I hadn't felt before. Not at 30, like I thought I would. But at 37. All this despite the fact that everyone tells me I don't look my age and I still get carded in bars and restaurants. The truth is, whether or not I look it, I am...it.

37, that is.

I drowned my sorrows - literally - by having a backyard BBQ and (inflatable) pool party attended by some very cool people...the CEBs (plus a couple of G's). Average age: 23. The song "No Diggity" comes on my iPod. "Ooo...I love this song," I reminisce as I wade in my pool and sip my cold beverage. "It was popular when ProMo and I started dating!" The closest CEB replies, "Oh yeah, I was in, like 3rd or 4th grade!"

Thanks.

The next, slightly more subtle reminder was when we went down to Hilton Head over the 4th of July weekend. My family has been going there almost every summer since I was 6 or 7 and we always went about the same time of year (somewhere around my birthday and/or the 4th).

One of the beautiful, wonderful things about Hilton Head is that no matter how popular it gets, it never builds up too much. Because of this, and the uniqueness of the island itself (a mix of dense forest, spanish moss, lagoons and beaches), every trip down there brings me back to my youth. From walking on the same great paths to Harbor Town, to chilling on our straw mats on the beaches, to playing tennis, to seeing the myriad of minivans from Ohio...not much has changed.

Stelabration, Hilton Head-style. We still own this timeshare and I'm pretty sure this table is still in there.

That is, until I see that the people my age now have kids, and those kids are experiencing those same summers that I did. No, it's not 1987, it's 2011. I'm not the one doing the cannonballs off of the diving board, I'm the one shooting the kids the evil eye and sighing loudly.

Ah, youth.

Which brings me to last weekend when we went to NYC. Most people assumed we were "escaping" or partying, but in actuality, we spend most of our time catching up with our old city and visiting good friends. One of the best things about having lived there is the fact that when we go back, we don't need to worry about hitting any tourist traps, we can just focus on enjoying the city like locals.

We stayed with one of our closest friends (who is one of the rare people who can say he was roommates with both ProMo and myself) and spent most of the weekend eating, drinking, talking and laughing just like the old days. "Doesn't it seem like you lived here just yesterday?" our old roomie asked. "Yes, but it was 12 years ago," was ProMo's prompt reply.

Really? 12 years ago?

Really.

"The REAL Three's Company" My roomies and me...12 years ago.

It doesn't seem like that long ago that I was training for marathons in Central Park, going to happy hour at Bull's Head, and enjoying fresh Italian food a little too much.

But it was. A really long time ago.

And...that brings me back to orientation. As I walked by yet another circle of orientation games, I studied their faces and picked up more than a hint of the freshmen-to-be checking each other (and their orientation leader) out.

Further down the Drillfield, I walked by a couple of parents - identifiable by their free "Ask Me About My Hokie!" reusable tote bags - and looked at them a little more closely. As I did, I realized that many of them looked like they could be my age. Or at the very least my sister's age. And I realized I was most likely (much) closer in age to them than the shiny-faced new crop of students.

Disoriented? Well, to quote my younger selves...

Right on.
Totally.
Word.
Fo shizzle.
Mos def.

Beautiful in any language

2011-07-03T23:00:00.034-04:00

Buon Giorno! Bonjour! Guten Tag!

We're baaaccck! Back from our trip to the beautiful country of Switzerland. This was such an amazing experience. We crammed a lot of travel and education in with a ton of fun and relaxing. Though I was a little concerned about going with a group that was 75% male (and of the subset of students, it was 92% male, most of which I didn't know that well going into it), I ended up having what was easily one of my most memorable trips. Surprisingly, structural engineering grad students are lively, hilarious, sweet (at times), and of course really really nerdy (usually in a good way). So here are my greatest takeaways from the trip...

Language

One of the coolest things about Switzerland is its diversity in culture and language. The feel in Riva (Italian)was completely different from Montreux (French) which was completely different from Zurich (rich...and German). Each area had such a distinct personality. This isn't necessarily much different from any other country, but since this was only my second trip to Europe, it made me have a real appreciation for the beauty of the different languages.

View 1 from our apartment in Riva San Vitale...

View 2 from our apartment!

Me and the Freddie Mercury statue in Montreux

Beautiful Zurich

Education

OK so admittedly, I was excited about the prospect of going to Switzerland and Italy and I was certainly interested in seeing the bridges, but I was pretty lukewarm on the thought of visiting structures labs. But since this was first and foremost a work trip, I kept an open mind. So even though I had my moments of grumpiness...

No really...I love touring labs.

...it was an amazing experience. Here's a little taste of what we saw...and even though these look fake, at times, these are my actual photographs. :)

Nanin and Cascella Bridges

Sunniberg Bridge

Salginatobel Bridge

Letziwald Bridge

Food

I was probably most excited about the food, and it didn't disappoint. What's not to like? Cheese? Good. Fresh baked bread? Good. Chocolate? Great. Beer and wine? Fantastic.

What's apparently even better? The Doner Kebab.

And what happens when you put them all together? You get the Epic Doner...

(Video courtesy of YouTube and the CEBs)

Experience

On our last day, as we were enjoying ridiculously expensive glasses of wine in Zurich at a little dive bar/cafe near our hotel, ProMo and I reflected on what our favorite experiences were.

Of course, the day that we toured and saw all the amazing bridges was one of ProMo's highlights...he was like a kid on Christmas morning with every bridge we drove up to... but I was surprised to hear that the daily evening trips to the bar in Riva was actually what he would take away as his greatest memory of the trip.

The sun didn't set until around 10 PM there, and our "family" dinners at the villa were usually over by 7. The bar was small, friendly, and always had enough seats for our group. They loved playing "American" music when we'd show up which consisted of two CDs: the 80's hair band CD and the current pop/dance/techno CD.

A typical evening would consist of sitting outside, ordering "una birra" (0.5 L) every few minutes, devouring the free snacks they gave us (ranging from the best cheesy poofs ever, to salami, to cake-like bread for dessert), having usually great, but occasionally heated, conversation, and just enjoying the world around us.

Overall, the trip made me so thankful that we had the resources and ability to experience it, but at the same time, it made me wish we could do something like that more often. It was beautiful but crazy, exhausting and exhilarating, decadent yet occasionally minimalist, but always memorable.

arrivederci e grazie

au revoir et merci

Auf Wiedersehen und danke

The hills are alive...

i turisti

2011-06-22T00:00:00.009-04:00

i turisti = The tourists

...which is most definitely what ProMo and I are here in Switzerland! It is even more gorgeous than I imagined and I am even more befuddled by the language barrier than I thought, but we are having a great time!

There have been many surprises - pleasant and unpleasant - but some of my favorite things about the trip so far have been quotes! Since I try to not use full names on this blog, I'll try to keep these as general as possible, except when the context makes it that much funnier. For some, you may need to know the people or the situation to think they're funny but I've tried to pull the good (yet relatively clean) quotes from my collection. So without further ado...

While we're packing:
Me: I hope you're not bringing that watch.
ProMo: Why?
Me: You can't bring a fake Rolex to Switzerland!! That's a huge insult! That's like me showing up in Taliban-controlled Afghanistan without a burqa!!

While I'm trying to figure out how to speak basic Italian...when we're already here:
Me: How do you say "hello" in Italian?
ProMo: buon giorno?
Me: That sounds right. [pause] wait a minute...did you get that from an Olive Garden commercial?!
ProMo: Maybe. So?

Every night in Riva, we've hung out at a local bar with our group of predominantly male civil engineering students. Here are my favorite bits of conversations with the boys, who will be referred to as CEBs - civil engineering boys:

The one-liners...

Guys, let's not nerd up this sh!t.

Don't. poke. the bear!

Oh I know I'm a [wuss]. I'll take your tequila shot, but I need salt on that b*tch.

Paul, you're el chino. And that's all that matters.

Sargeant, report for duty.

We're going to need the macro setting on this.

Forget about the bridges, the labs, and all the other crap I organized. It's all about the beer.

Gold Bond is just like a thousand little fairies fanning your b***s.

She speaks a dead language. I'm not dead. We have nothing in common.

You look very vertical for being so short.

Digiorno!

And exchanges...

[Regarding a joke that was told in ProMo's class]
CEB#1: Did the international students get it?
CEB#2: Of course. Everyone speaks nerd.

CEB: Hey, you're drinking an orange juice!
American Girl, also a VT student...though not CE: Um, yeah...VODKA and orange juice.
CEB: Oh so you're drinking a screwdriver.
Girl: [looks freaked out, rolls eyes] yeah, whatever.
Me: No, it's really called a screwdriver.
Girl: [mumble, sigh, rolls eyes, still doesn't believe us]

CEB#1: I can't believe we started out with such an intellectual conversation and now we're talking about sh*t.
Me: Space turds are still intellectual!
CEB#2: I know! So, OK, there's a frozen turd, human shaped...is that turd more dense than me?

CEB#1: I don't think watermelon goes with beer.
CEB#2: Everything goes well with beer.

Waiter: Limoncino! [as he hands out shot glasses of what appears to be limoncello]
All of us: Limoncello!!
Waiter: No, LimonCINO!!
CEB#1:What's the difference between Limoncello and Limoncino?
CEB#2: Paul's involved.

LC from AK: Nobody from Wasilla should lead this country
CEB: Nobody from Wasilla should lead Wasilla

[Swiss guy says something in undiscernable Italian]
Us: What?
Siwss dude: eh...gum?
Us: Oh do we have gum? [Check quickly] No we don't have any gum
Swiss dude: No...[make motions and sounds like the Red Baron from Peanuts]
Us: GUN?!?!
Swiss dude: Si...GUN! [Big smile]
[Longest pause ever. Silence. Lone CEB speaks up...]
CEB: Um...so sorry, we don't have any guns.
[Swiss dude gives us a big smile, stares at us, puffs his cigarette]
Me: [After the obvious pause...]OK so how quickly can you guys finish those drinks!?

And of course, everyone's favorite...

THAT needs to go on the blog!

Annnndddd...on that note, here are a few pictures from the trip. The first is of most of the group on a hike of San Giorgio (translation - bigg @ss hike) with a follow up picture for scale. Now, if you know me, you should know that my idea of a "hike" is a wide, preferrably paved, trail. This was neither of those things. Two hours (yes, here they measure distance in time) straight up through creeks, loose rocks, mud, roots etc. And then back down, of course.

The second set is of us being semi-illegal as we were climbing on a bridge in Switzerland. This is just one of the amazing bridges that we've seen on this trip. More pics to come as these are from a colleague who is obviously MUCH better at posting pictures in a timely manner than I am. :)

At the top of San Giorgio. Don't be fooled. This was a crazy hard hike because we started at the base in Riva San Vitale...

...see that little town at the base of the mountain on the left? That's where we started. :)

Us on the Nanin (or Cascella...they're right next to each other) Bridge designed by one of ProMo's idols, Christian Menn. Yes, his name is very similar to ProMo's)

to give you some idea of the scope of the bridge. More pics to come when I can download my own (these are courtesy of a colleague!)

Today we leave the Italian-speaking area of Ticino (pronounced "tee-cheeno") and head to the French-speaking areas of Lausanne and Montreux for 2 days before the trip ends in Zurich on Friday. I admit I am really sad to leave our little town of Riva, our sweet faculty apartment and of course our bar Osteria San Giorgio. The bridges have been gorgeous, amazing and awe-inspiring, the company has been fun and the atmosphere has been relaxed and (generally) upbeat. :) ...except when the CEBs occasionally want to brawl, climb on stuff and get large gaping wounds that are patched up with electrical tape, or scream obscenities during "tranquility hours"...

But in all seriousness, it has been an incredible experience to add to our list!

Until my next update, Ciao!!!

Swiss Miss

2011-06-14T00:10:00.000-04:00

2 blogs at once! Craziness!

I'll be making my first trips to Switzerland and Italy and I am excited, but as it is a "work trip" and not a vacation, I am on someone else's schedule. If you know me, you know how difficult it is for me to give up the reins so this is a major accomplishment for me. Nevertheless, I am looking forward to playing tourist and checking out some historical structures and just seeing some new countries.

I hope to get a chance to blog while I'm abroad but if not, don't miss me too much! :) In the meantime, here is my wish list for things to happen in the U.S. while I'm not here:

For no natural disasters or major domestic crises. (Gotta start with the serious one.)
For Marlon and Eli to not (a) injure themselves or (b) cause too much trouble at Flying Fur! - the dog spa
~~For "King James" to lose in the NBA Finals.~~ (Oops! Already got that one.)
For UVA to win the College World Series!!
For that cute girl with the short pixie haircut and round face and that dude named Wadi to NOT be eliminated on So You Think You Can Dance. I want to see them when I get back!
For Christina Aguilera to pull herself together, for goodness sake (hair brush, properly fitting clothing, easy on the spray tan. It's not hard.) and...
For Britney Spears to not get injured or go crazy so I can see her, as scheduled, in July!

Well, that's all I've got for tonight. Ciao!

The villa in Riva San Vitale where we'll be!

Green green grass

2011-06-13T23:00:00.044-04:00

I'm getting ready for a trip abroad but I couldn't leave the country without a long-overdue blog post!

Over the past couple of weeks, I've started and stopped quite a few blogs.

Ironically, one was about writer's block. :)

But one of the things that I've settled on after a good 2+ weeks of pure observation of the world around me could be summed up by a few cliches.

You can't always get what you want.
The grass is always greener on the other side.
Never judge a man unless you have walked a mile in his shoes.

I've traveled a bit over the past couple of weeks, and in that time I've had the chance to catch up with a bunch of my good friends. Inevitably, it ends up as a mutual admiration club. I wish that I lived in one of the more exciting cities that they live in, but they long for the light traffic and low cost of living in the 'burg. I miss the multiple opportunities to meet new people, they wish that they could be home at a reasonable hour, park in a driveway (or garage) and watch the sunset on a back porch with nothing but the sound of the birds chirping and the wind through the trees.

At the same time, my crop of friends and recent graduates that are entering the working world are quickly wondering why they were sooo ready to graduate. It seems like everyone is wanting what they can't have.

I feel like it's not too much of a generalization to say that most people aren't completely satisfied with at least one aspect of their life. But I think this is totally normal.

Most people will vent occasionally but every now and then you meet those people that like to keep up a good "face" and keep it all inside. I like to say that these people are being very American Beauty. By this I mean, on the outside, they look like they have a perfect life but inside, it's a crazy Kevin Spacey mess. And that's not good for anyone.

Those who scream the loudest have the most to hide.
Sometimes the saddest people have the biggest smile.

With all that said, it can be nice to see my life through someone else's eyes. I could be feeling kind of blah, but then I'll hang out with someone who will tell me that they envy:

the amount of free time that I have
the fact that ProMo and I are DINKs who can "travel on a whim"
the fact that we live in a cheap college town
our lack of "responsibility" (a thinly veiled reference to kids)
my 8-5 job
my proximity to nature
that I have such a cool husband...

I agree with some of these statements, disagree with a few others and find the rest laughable. I'll let you figure out which is which. :)

The point is, sure...there are a lot of things that I would change about my life if I could, and there are a lot of things that I would keep the same. So for now, I will be content with my perfectly imperfect life. And I hope you will too. Because no matter how it may seem, the grass isn't always greener...

Family Ties

2011-06-02T00:14:00.004-04:00

Late last week, I was hit with the news of another death in the "family." I use the term family in quotation marks because she was not a member of my immediate or extended (by blood) family, but a member of my filipino family.

When my parents moved to Richmond, VA in the late 60's, they were one of the very few filipinos in the area. I've blogged about some of the things I loved about my dad, but one of the most admirable traits of both of my parents is how incredibly hard they worked to create a better life for themselves and their daughters. I still marvel that my mom got a job with a small Richmond-based consulting civil engineering design firm in the late 60's, and I wish I could thank the owner of that company for taking a chance on a young female immigrant engineer at a time when civil rights were at the forefront of everyone's minds...especially in the "capital of the Confederacy"...

Mom and Dad looking classy in the durrrty south

But while they were working to prove themselves professionally, they were also keeping an eye and ear out for other filipinos moving into the area. They knew that the "newbies" would be looking for familiar faces, accents, and a common love of pancit, crispy pata, longanisa and sinigang.

Eventually, they and some of the other couples formed a local group for filipinos in the metro area. As time went on, they all had kids and I was lucky enough to grow up with a number of "aunties and uncles" and kids that were all born around the same time. We literally grew up together. My parents were many of their godparents. I couldn't stand the thought of dating any of the boys because they were my "brothers." The parties were big and frequent and the food was plentiful, even if they weren't always...conventional...by American standards. For example, check out this post for more of a glimpse into the Fil-Am life and the picture below for my dad's way of throwing down for a party:

My baptism party - fresh lechon! Dad roasting a pig in our backyard. Pretty sure he didn't have a permit for that.

2nd birthday...Slim (next to me) wants to blow out my candles and my sis (2nd from left) looks like she's about to say something bossy. And of course, the table full of food.

Over the next forty years, families came and left, the kids grew up and graduated from high school, scattered around to different colleges and came together for weddings. Some moved back to Richmond, some never left, and some never returned. But I still consider them family.

My Class of '92 FAACV brothers and sister at our high school graduation party

College graduation party with the same crew and Slim and XT "roasting" us. Don't worry...it was a filipino party so it was the same microphone we used for karaoke.

One of these "sisters" was my friend A. Though she had muscular dystrophy and grew up with numerous challenges, she had an amazing spirit and a wicked sense of humor. She always acknowledged that she knew her time on earth was limited, but I think after 36 years, we had all gotten used to having her around and thought that maybe she would continue to beat the odds.

While I didn't see her often once I left Richmond, she had a special place in my heart. Logically, one would think that someone who I didn't see much and had spoken to only sporadically over the past few years would not be missed. But she was family, and family ties defy logic.

A and her family visiting mom & dad in HHI

Family doesn't have to be connected by blood. Family, to me, means a shared history and a loving community. I am lucky to have such a big and loving family. And I am lucky to have called A a part of that.

Slim, A, XT and me at A's 30th birthday bash. One of our favorite pictures.

RIP, sweet friend and sister. We miss you already.

To read more about A's life, click here. And if this small glimpse into her life has affected you in any way, please consider making a donation in Aileen's name to the Muscular Dystrophy Association at www.mda.org.

District of Love

2011-05-23T23:46:00.003-04:00

It was another fun time in DC last weekend! Having the time to spend just enjoying the city prompted me to bring a new style of post to my blog - my favorite things! What better place to start it with than one of my favorite cities? So let me start with...

Where to stay?

Despite the fact that I have a lot of friends that live in and around the district, I like to stay in hotels. Usually, the dogs are an excuse to get a room, but I love the feeling of a true "vacation" that I get with staying in a hotel! Especially the dog-friendly Kimpton Hotels. By being an "In Touch" member you get free internet and a credit at the mini bar. Bonus that they are cool and boutique-y. There are a bunch of them in DC, but our two favorites are:

Hotel Palomar, when we can get a good deal (because it's usually a little more pricey) - Great location in Dupont Circle area, modern feel, awesome restaurant/lounge (Urbana), huge rooms and a pool to boot!
Hotel Helix - Usually the cheapest, but still in an awesome location now that the 14th Street/Logan Circle area has boomed. Cool pop-art theme (the minibar has Pop Rocks and Pez!) and very cool outdoor patio for their restaurant/lounge.

An oldie but goodie...Eli and Marlon enjoying their time at the Palomar

Where to eat?

Oh there are SOOO many delicious places to eat in DC (one of the reasons that it was really really hard to lose weight when I lived there!)! But my favorites include:

Open City (Woodley Park) - ProMo and I used to go to breakfast there at 6 AM every Friday and every time it was fantastic, delicious, fresh and unique. Love it.

Napoleon (Adams Morgan) - Another neighborhood favorite, this restaurant is better known as a champagne bar late night. But I've only enjoyed the brunch there. The crepes are delicious, the salads are fresh, but what keeps this place in my rotation even after we moved away is the french onion soup. To. die. for. I actually said, "Come to mama" when I saw the waiter bringing the soup to our table. No lie. I can't really explain why I love it so much because it defies explanation. Just trust me. And get some!

Logan Tavern (Logan Circle) - Warm homey feel, nicest waiters ever, and delicious comfort food that is surprisingly affordable. I would give a specific recommendation but everything I've gotten here is delicious.

Obviously there are a lot of other yummy places that I enjoy, but these are the places that I miss when I'm not there.

Where to dance?

[This category and the next would both say "Adams Mill" if that amazing place was still open, but alas I have to go with other choices...]

Well, there are a lot of fun places to dance and PLENTY of places I've never been to (especially some of the newer places that have a lot of buzz), but when I don't mind paying a little extra for drinks and I want to go somewhere that I (usually) don't have to worry about being hit with the "ball and socket," I go to Tattoo on K Street. It's tiny but they have screens that play videos and the DJs are usually pretty amazing. It's my little piece of Vegas in DC.

Where to feel like a local...

Well again, this would've been my category reserved for the Best Bar in DC, but I'll say that anywhere that you find yourself saying, "Let's just go to _______ " is likely your neighborhood joint.

So in honor of the Mill, I'll leave this spot blank and say that any place is "your place" if you know them and they know you! Where you can walk in and they will know your name, give you a hug, and start prepping your favorite drink...

And finally, because my favorite thing about DC is my friends, if you want to see some really cool pictures of DC, check out my friend LL's photography blog! Beautiful!

Hey DC peeps...got any faves you'd like to add? Feel free to comment!

The Sweet Escape

2011-05-19T15:54:00.000-04:00

Disclaimer: While I generally try to keep my posts positive, this is after all a blog of my life. And so every now and then I hope you'll forgive my moments of frustration and brutal honesty and know that I just need to vent to the blogosphere without worrying what people are going to say. Thanks for being my readers and friends and letting me be me. :)

After the fun and craziness of last week, this week has been a bit of a let-down. I am excited that ProMo and I are headed to DC for the weekend (a work trip with most fortuitous timing) because I know it will shake me out of this funk.

What do I blame it on? That the semester is over and students - and their energy - are no longer here? That the weather has been cold and rainy all week? That my entire work focus will shift for the next 3 months? That if I hear a student - or worse yet another faculty member - say "so do you actually work in the summer?" one more time I'm going to scream? It probably has to do with all of them.

As a result, I find myself retreating back into my 'burg shell. I "suddenly" (although I knew it was coming) find myself surrounded by people who don't "get" me. I live for the trips out of town (and trust me, there are some great ones coming up), but then I resent that I can't find that kind of happiness in my own little world here. It's not right that someone should have to LEAVE their hometown to have fun.

And it's not that there isn't fun stuff to do here...there can be. But without any good friends here, I'm relying on one person - ProMo - to do everything with. To his credit, he's been great! The problem is that I've depended on him to be my (sole) social outlet for the past 3 years (less the past couple of months when L and D gave him a little "break"). Throw in the fact that he has a whole different work and travel schedule, and is admittedly less social than I am, and the result is that I would end up doing a lot of this stuff by myself. And that, my friends, is definitely no fun.

OK it's not that we don't get invitations to do things or we haven't been on "couple dates" with other people. But just like real dating, you can't force a relationship just because you're the same age or you live in the same town or you have certain things in common. And unfortunately, the people that I could really "piss time away" and enjoy exploring the area with happen to be...not here.

At least it has gotten to the point where people have stopped telling me that I'm just not trying hard enough. Believe me, I have tried it all. But besides that, I don't think ANYONE should compromise what they look for in a friend, right? The truth is that it's a small town. Period. In a city you have millions of fellow residents and maybe get close to a handful of people to call true friends. Percentage-wise that doesn't bode well for a town of a few thousand.

I've mentioned before how surviving cancer is a blessing in that it makes me really appreciate just being ALIVE and having love in my life. So I do feel selfish when I want more. The "curse" of cancer (besides the obvious) is that I made a promise to myself that I would not waste any more time...wasting time. Or existing. Or being in an unhappy situation. So when I do find myself having a bad day or week I really beat myself up and put pressure on myself to DO SOMETHING to change it. And that's not always possible.

So what do I do? Look for a sweet escape...either literally or figuratively. Skip town (see ya soon, DC!), go for a walk, watch some guilty pleasure TV show, read a book, do sudoku, clean the house, clean the dogs, go workout, take a nap...

I know people would love to have as much "free time" as I do. I KNOW I have a lot of wonderful, positive things in my life. But sometimes you just have to vent. And escape. And throw things out into the black hole of the internet...