How does shooting ol’ timey stereotypes tie back to getting a home loan?

Whatever the crazy rationale Searchandapply.co.uk would likely provide, the game does offer

-offensively drawn indians native americans hurling axes
- Level transitions with EXPLODING dynamite (YES!)
-Unlimited ammo pistols with no reload time

Here’s a video that demonstrates how people play games when they have limitless ammo and no need to reload

I have an old-timey MACHIIIINNNNEE GUUUUUNNNN!!!!

Put a little “english” on it

In a brilliant stroke, the insane creators made the game more inaccurate “British” by swapping the $$ symbols you’d traditionally see on wild west moneybags with £ symbols. Cheerio, partner!

This flash travesty is called the “Wild West Coin Fest” and apparently you can win a Wii. What a fantastic prize, guvna!

Enjoy, I’m going to go work on my new stereotype advergame, “Crumpet-Eaters”

http://www.searchandapply.co.uk/game/

Rooster’s on Yelp.com

The food was excellent (I ordered a peanut butter cup crepe and a coke…I have the taste buds of a six year-old) but more importantly, LOOK AT THIS WAITER! He has to have a 18″ waist. It’s almost like his body is like a pole with arms and legs sticking out. I bet he has a hell of a time finding a proper belt.

Probably the worst hula hooper in his grade school gym class.

Have you ever been to a truck stop where you can gas up your car, buy jam for your parents and splurge on $2,000 worth of fireworks? No? How about buy a Jesus statue with egregious spelling errors?

WELCOME TO MOTHER*F#&KING BOOMLAND!

Christ ascends, this company’s spelling skills do not

Much better than “Boomtown” and with more variety than “Boomworld”

I’m happy to report that it lived up to the Travel Channel’s and well worth the trip. In essence, Lambert’s is an uber-version of Cracker Barrel.

Like Cracker Barrel, it’s

-packed full with old, obese people who think that they’re eating at a “really nice place”
-loaded to the gills with mustache-clad men donning t-shirts splattered with food and/or motor oil stains
-more fat people than all seasons of the Biggest Loser combined.

Where it differs from CB,

-they THROW rolls to hungry customers (sometimes missing and hilariously clocking glasses off of old women’s faces)
-the food is vastly superior (and comes in colossal, food coma inducing quantities.)
-Lambert’s isn’t blatantly discriminatory and racist! (huge plus!)

As one of my friends who accompanied me to Lambert’s said, “It’s what Cracker Barrel should be.” And he continued, “Maybe Cracker Barrel should stop focusing on selling all that bullshit in their store and put more effort into their food.”

Maybe they should, although after I eat at Cracker Barrel I do enjoy sucking on a tasteless chunk of Rock Candy while playing a spirited game of over-sized checkers with an 80 year-old woman.

Come inside if you have a stupid looking mustachio and your wife’s body is a temple to twenty years of heavy McDonald’s consumption

While Lambert’s Cafe was great, it wasn’t the only stop on our two day trek. Are you ready for Boomland?

Computer Generated Idiocy

The main problem: CGI. Why is there so much obvious CGI in Indy IV? WHY?

I’m not anti-CGI. I think it has it’s place. And that place is not in Indiana Jones movies. And the sting is more painful due to misleading claims from the film’s creators (including Steve-o Spielberg)

“There really wasn’t much CGI. We built all the sets… We built all of the [moving stone staircases, converging stone pillars and other pieces] so it was very nice.” -Indy IV set designer

Now compare that statement to the title of the AP review, “‘Indiana Jones’ and the computer-generated jungle”

LIES! “You sit on a throne of lies!”

Artifact Obscurity

Watching Indiana Jones and the Obscure Artifact Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls was a form of cinematic therapy for me. As in realizing its central flaw I was illuminated to the presence of the same error in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom:

I do not believe in, and have a sense of awe for, both of those films’ final “treasure”.

Myriad childhood Sundays were spent listening to boring sermons on Jesus and the Last Supper or reading about Moses in Exodus. There’s natural awe-building in these experiences. The Ark of the Covenant and the Holy Grail are part of my WASPy religious culture. The end result of this religious steeping cannot be understated, when I watch the 1st and 3rd Indiana Jones, I believe that these treasures hold the power assigned to them by the script and I’m awe-struck when they exhibit their powers.

Before watching IJATTOD, I had never heard of the Shankara stones and preceding IJKOTCS I lacked any knowledge of crystal skulls (beyond obligatory Wikipedia research). And it’s not only a lack of knowledge of the treasures themselves, but a lack of immersion in the religious cultures encompassing them. I didn’t grow up in an Indian culture (unfortunately as they know how to throw a party) and I certainly didn’t mature in a Mayan civilization (even more unfortunate, Mayans were sweet. Don’t believe Mel Gibson’s lies!)

Sumaria

In the end, Harrison Ford still nails Indy’s character (Han Solo is a n00b), Shia’s always solid and William Hurt’s consistently impresses me as a reliable crazy person so the movie’s worth the price of admission. If they do it again (and they might), let’s hope George “I suck” Lucas picks a treasure I’ve heard of before and Industrial Light and Magic doesn’t phone-in the special effects.

Indy IV: six googly eyes (out of ten)

Rating:

Today at 4:50 I will be sitting down to see the new Indy movie.  Well, 4:50 is the showtime, I’m guessing the Paramount mountain won’t actually appear until about 5:30… once I’m already exhausted from twenty minutes of commercial mediocrity and twenty minutes of trailers for cinematic drivel.  Honestly, I feel like I’ve already watched a movie before the main feature starts.  In related news, I’m starting to sound like a senior citizen.

My review will go up tonight, however, here’s a great little tease.  Apparently, John Williams revealed the lyrics to the Indiana Jones theme last week.

Everybody sing-a-long!

In-di-ana fuck-ing Jones
In-di-ana moth-er-fuck-ing Jones
In-di-ana fuck-ing Jones
Bite my ball-sack you Na-zis I’m In-di-ana fuck-ing Jones

Who knew John Williams was so vulgar?  I always had that suspicion.

Technorati Tags: john williams, indiana jones, indy, kingdom crystal skull, composer, indiana jones theme, soundtrack, OST

“The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.”
- Bill Cosby

There’s a new male enhancement topical lotion on the market called “Maxoderm” and it’s nailing Bill’s first law on the head.

To an almost satirical degree, Maxoderm’s TV spot is absolutely vague and relies purely on sexy implication, never making a single concrete claim.

Let’s look at some of the lines in the spot:
“Prescriptions are one thing, Maxoderm is something else.”

It might not mean ANYTHING AT ALL but you can’t argue with that line!  Maxoderm is not prescribed by a doctor so it definitely qualifies as “something else”.

Side note: the website seems to suggest sexy women selfishly prescribe Maxoderm to men they want to have sex with.
“Have you ever wondered if male enhancement drugs works?  Try Maxoderm!”

Uhhhh, so…hmmmm….this line is a real head-scratcher…I’ll give it a shot:

Does this mean you should try Maxoderm to sate your curiosity about the legitamcy of male enhancement products?

The next line should read, “Sure, you could use hundreds of other male enhancement products as the vehicle to realising the crushing truth that they don’t work and you’d be better off blowing your money on bongo lessons.”

When you get to the website, it gets even better.   A happy customer named Gary S. (who looks like an alcoholic Jimmy Falon) states,

..but Maxoderm DOESN’T SAY WHAT IT IS!  So I’m assuming that the product does nothing and that feels like a pretty good conclusion to me.

Also, don’t you think Gary Sinise’s wife might notice “what Gary did to have this unbelievable change” when he keeps running to the bathroom and emerges covered in lotion?

 Product “Claims”

Let’s do a quick analysis of Maxoderm’s alleged benefits:

1. Unique Targeted Delivery System
   Wow, does a “non-targeted” delivery system even exist?  It’s never good when you lead with a benefit that your product shares with a BAND-AID
2. LITERALLY Start Feeling It in Under 60 Seconds!
   You would also start feeling “it” if you rubbed Icy Hot down there…next!
3. Maximize Sensation & the Feeling of Firmness
   Comparable to how your pain receptors would experience maximum sensation if you ate glass.
   Also, emphasis on FEELING of firmness.  “It’s not firm but it sure feels like it is!!”
4. Unique Proprietary Formulation
   Is it a product benefit that you didn’t steal the formula from another company?
5. Intensify Your Pleasure
   Pretty much a rewording of the first half of benefit #3.  In Maxoderm’s defense, all products need to have at least six benefits.
6. New Found Confidence
   The only benefit that holds water.  Your confidence must be at the bottom of the sewer if you purchase Maxoderm.  Nowhere to go but up!

Needless to say,  they’ve wooed me and I’m buying a tube of Maxoderm and receiving the “Travel Pack of Maxoderm completely FREE”.  Apparently the regular tube is not approved for travel.

Technorati Tags: maxoderm, male enhancement, gary sinise,   unique proprietary formula, firmness, sensation, pleasure, confidence, bill cosby, vagueness, travel pack, advertising, tv spot, maxoderm.com

A couple weeks ago I walked by a Pontiac Montana covered in Christian bumper stickers / magnets / signs / sheets of paper with writing on them TAPED to the car (apparently they were in a rush to get ultra specific Jesus-centric messaging on the van.)

 My question to the owners of this van, “To what end?”  What is the goal of plastering your van with Christian messaging?  I would hope the van owners are attempting to convince others to believe in Jesus but more realistically, they want the world to know they are huge Jesus ultra lunatics fans and ipso facto are better than everyone else.

The reasoning for this: plastering your van with bible quotes is not an effective way of convincing people to follow Jesus.  Why?  Because it is OFF PUTTING and FRIGHTENING.

Maybe these people should take a look at their wrists and ask themselves WWJD?

Here are some tactics Jesus didn’t use to spread the Gospel:

• He didn’t slap God branding and religious messaging on the sides of James and John’s fishing boat and tell them to cruise around the Sea of Gallilee spreading taglines
• He didn’t have Judas hang posters around Jerusalem (although to be fair, citing Judas’s track record, he probably would have sabotaged Jesus’s posters by drawing funny little mustaches on all of the Jesus drawings). 

Jesus didn’t do any of this bullshit!  Jesus knew the value of quality over quantity and did what was effective, he TALKED to people and TAUGHT them about God…and for a little extra sparkle he threw in a miracle every once in a while. No big deal.

Party Cancelled!

Unfortunately the best quote on the entire van is not included in the above photo.  Located on the driver side passenger door, a sticker read, “The party in hell has been cancelled due to the FIRE!”

First of all, does Satan have a history of hosting parties?  Most descriptions I’ve heard of hell are pretty much the definitions of anti-parties.  These people should read Dante’s Inferno because being “steeped in human excrement” or being “BURIED IN FLAMING SAND WHILE FIRE RAINS FROM THE SKY” are a little different than having soe friends over to drink keg beer and play Cranium.

Secondly, was the existence of fire in hell unexpected??  Fire is almost universally present in descriptions of hell and I’ve never heard of fire in hell ceasing to burn or slowing down for any reason.  From everything I’ve read I’d assume the fire in hell is always raging.  The term “hellfire” exists for a reason and it’s definition includes the term, “eternal flame”.  That means that anytime they schedule a party, there’s going to be fire. NOTED!

Thirdly, who cancelled the party?  Satan certainly wouldn’t cancel it due to fire.  God didn’t have any say since he’s not invited.  Jesus wouldn’t be invited as he turned down what were essentially three temptations party invites from Satan when he was fasting in the desert.  Maybe it was the Holy Spirit or Holy Ghost or one of those confusing second tier diety figures?  Who knows what they are up to these days.  They definitely seem like they could be pranksters.

This leads me to conclude that the party is NOT cancelled so feel free to attend once a date is decided.

The Last Rant of Charlie

One major personal objection the Christ Caravan brings up is quoting the Bible to…support the Bible.  No matter how hard you try, you can’t get me to believe in a book’s teachings by quoting the exact same book in question.  For example, let’s say I am trying to convince you to believe in the Grinch. 

Me: You should believe in the Grinch.
You: Oh yeah, who’s the Grinch?
Me:  He’s this green monster/muppet beastman who lives up at the top of that ridiculously unrealistic mountain.
You: Really?  That sounds like it’s made up.
Me:  Well, it’s not. It’s all right here in this book, “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”
You (flipping through the book):  He has a dog that pulls a giagantic sleigh up a mountain?  That’s a little hard to swallow.
Me:  Well, it is all in the book. 
You: How do you know he really exists?
Me:  Well, it is in the book.  See, right here, he is covered in green fur, has furious deep red eyes, big stomach.  His dog’s name is Max… it’s all clearly documented in this book.
You: This is all made up and you are a moron for believing it.
Me:  Yes.

Is this fundamentally different than convincing me God is great or Jesus is Lord by quoting Acts or Psalms like the Christ Caravan? 

At least we know for a fact that Dr. Seuss wrote “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”, scholars aren’t even positive who wrote half of the books in the Bible.  Then you factor in how the Bible endured hundreds of translations / additions / deletions and God knows what you have left (pun intended).

I’m going to write a book called “Charlie Wins at Life“, fill it with loads of fabricated quotes about myself and walk around the rest of my life quoting it aloud, quoting it on my resume, quoting it to girls and I’ll even pull a quote from it for my gravestone. 

My gravestone will read, “Here lies Charlie, ‘gunslinger, inventor of carnivorous dinosaurs, body of 20 year old Chuck Norris, face of an angel, 1:15 mile time, annual household income of $75-150k’ “ 

The gravestone will also have a big Grim Reaper statue like Voldemort’s in the Harry Potter movies.  I’ve priced it out and it looks like it will cost about a half million for my entire gravesite (which doesn’t include motors to make the statues move when the motion detectors are set off).  Tomorrow, I’ll post the mockup I’ve drawn for you to enjoy.

Technorati Tags: grim reaper, voldemort, harry potter, chuck norris, drawing, angel, gunslinger, dinosaurs, charlie wins at life, HHI, Bible, hellfire, fire, god, Dante’s Inferno, Divine Comedy, Dr. Seuss, Satan, Devil, Christ Caravan, Pontiac Montana, WWJD, Galillee, Jerusalem, fishermen, disciples, bumper stickers, christian

According to this extremely credible theory, the scale goes from Native Americans (traditionally preferring the canoe) are barely assholes to Navy Admirals, the biggest assholes on the earth.

I’ll give Noah an exemption as God point blank told him to build one and I’m sure Noah decided to call it an “ark” to differentiate himself from his asshole neighbors with their wooden sailboats and wooden jetskis.

 5 Reasons Boat Owners Are Assholes

1. Because there’s just no reason you need to own a boat.  UNLESS YOU ARE A PIRATE.
2. Because most people who have boats don’t swim.  They just boat.  Basically they do the same thing on a lake that cars do on land.  Just go to a parking lot for god’s sake and cruise back and forth.
3. They think they’re part of a special boat club.  Everytime you pass another boat, you nod or wave at the other boat captain.  It’s like you’re saying, “Hey, I have a boat and you do too!  Fantastic!  Let’s be assholes together!  We are creating a lake full of assholes!”
4. Because they talk about their boats constantly.  It could be the middle of the winter in Chicago, you’re sitting there, enjoying your hot chocolate, watching some TV and out of the blue, the boat owner in the room says, “Man, I can’t wait for it to get warm!  It will be nice to get out on the boat again!”  That’s when I think, “I can wait until it gets warm so I can SINK YOUR BOAT TO THE BOTTOM OF THE LAKE!“
5. Because they will always be in danger from submarine owners.  Always!

Can you even IMAGINE how huge of an asshole the owner of this yacht is? No, you can’t. It is impossible.

Technorati Tags: boats, assholes, submarines, native americans, admirals, navy, noah’s ark

For two years, I used Peapod to get groceries. For those unfamiliar to being a “Podster”, with Peapod you select all of your groceries online and they deliver them to you. My, those were the days!

But then hard times hit my checkbook. Additionally, now that I live only a block from Dominick’s, I struggled for days to justify using Peapod. In the end, I failed to find any justification (short of extreme slothfulness).

Dominick’s Tries to Pull a Fast, Stinky One

As you know, most grocery stores now sell completely cooked, piping hot rotisserie chickens. They’re a great deal and extremely hard for me to resist because I love eating like a lunatic barbarian. These chickens are definitely enrolled at the School of Awesomeness.

However, right next to them you find something that absolutely flunked out of the School of Awesomeness, a nice warm package of $5 meatloaf. F-

WHO PAYS FOR MEATLOAF? If you PAY for meatloaf you’d probably buy a CD from a deaf man…and then a painting from a blind man and then, to top it off, you buy some perfume from a man with NO NOSE.

According to Dictionary.com, meatloaf is a “mounded or molded dish”. Stop. That’s enough for me. No, thank you.

Let’s see here. For $5, I can either, A) get a whole chicken or I can, B) get a brown disc of meatloaf.

Option A) Eat an entire chicken like a victorious viking conquerer

Option B) Eat a tasteless slab of meatloaf like a 10 year old boy in a cafeteria.

An absolute no brainer.

Technorati Tags: school of awesomeness, vikings, whole chicken, meatloaf sucks, perfume, painting, CD, grocery store, Dominick’s, Peapod rotisserie chicken