Crazy Sh*t Republicans Say

2014-10-30T20:57:00.002-07:00

32 states now have #MarriageEquality. Let's make it 50... http://t.co/ubsI8lVp4b pic.twitter.com/KeactRKKnx
— Royal Standard (@RoyalStandardG) October 31, 2014

2014-08-01T11:15:00.004-07:00

An Introduction...

2013-06-18T12:06:00.005-07:00

This book was written with the intent of exposing falsehood, and explaining truth in an attempt to restore balance to an unbalanced nation.

America needs a true left wing if for no other reason than at the moment we’re an unbalanced plane. We’re flying through the air lop-sided with most of the weight in the middle and the growing fringe far right, with almost no true liberal representation.

We need a system that includes liberal representation to keep our nation in balance and to keep our leadership in check.

Because the Left has shrunk so much towards the middle, we’re left with these crazy right wing policy makers that are slowly but surely implementing their backwards overly social conservative initiatives and it’s our fault. Look at where we are now. We are less free, safe, and prosperous than we were 25 years ago. Freedom from religious persecution, Guns, Birth control, violent crime, Education… everything has grown in one solid, bewilderingly crazy, direction. This book was written to help turn it around.

Now I’m a white male from a small town in South Mississippi, raised in an ultra-conservative environment. Mississippi is often ranked the poorest, fattest, and dumbest state in the union; it’s also the most conservative. Where I’m from, my friends, family, and family of friends are all conservative. I am not culturally supposed to believe what I believe, but I do, because I ask why. That’s what liberals do. They have the brains and the balls to ask why… or at least the brains. This book is to encourage the balls.

2012-12-14T11:00:00.004-08:00

The following excerpt is the complete 1st chapter of

"Crazy Sh*t Republicans Say"

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

Liberals are pussies. Yes we all realize this. We gave them a majority in the House, the Senate, and even the Presidency. Only to be bullied out by a bunch of nut job community college dropouts that now control congress. Liberals are pussies, but at least they’re not crazy or stupid… or worse, an incredibly dangerous hybrid of crazy-stupid known as the Tea Party. If you’re reading this you’re probably a liberal, or possibly a self-loathing conservative. Or maybe even Sean Hannity because you heard your name was mentioned in this book... In which case, Sean put the book down; you’re not going to like it.

If you are indeed a liberal, don’t worry, you’re in good company. Enjoy the ranks of such like-minded great men as Jesus Christ, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, Benjamin Franklin, Abraham Lincoln, and Franklin Roosevelt. You might have noticed that many of these guys are the same “Founding Fathers” the Tea Party claims their ideals embody. At best, the only thing the Tea Party has in common with the Founding Fathers is tri-corner hats and an affinity for confusing flags.

It seems many people have a distorted idea of what it means to be conservative. Or perhaps people simply use the excuse of being conservative to appease the guilt of really being nothing more than selfish, ignorant, and uncompassionate. Many of those that call themselves “conservative” don’t even know the actual political denotation of the word. So for their benefit I've included the definition.

con·serv·a·tive

[kuhn-sur-vuh-tiv]

adjective

1. disposed to preserve existing conditions, institutions, or to restore traditional ones, and to limit change.

Notice the definition is perfectly in line with Republican conduct:

Simple, Contemptible, & Destructive

Now, after reading the definition of Conservative, who in their right mind would want to call themselves this? It is the opposite of progress. In fact, it’s the opposite of the America Dream. To illustrate to my point I have also included the official definition of the

“American Dream”:

a·mer·i·can·dream:

[you-know-how-to-pronounce-this]

noun

1. the ideals of freedom, equality, and opportunity traditionally held to be available to every American.

2. a life of personal happiness and material comfort as traditionally sought by individuals in the U.S.

You see America, both the nation and the dream that was named after it, was founded and crafted by our progressive Founding Fathers. These men held the radical notion that life, liberty, justice, and equality were natural rights possessed by all men… well, all white men. Just to make sure everyone is on the same page as to what Progressive means, the definition is as follows:

pro•gres•sive

[pruh-gres-iv]

adjective

1. favoring or advocating progress, change, improvement, orreform, as

opposed to wishing to maintain things as theyare, especially in political

matters: a progressive mayor.

2. making progress toward better conditions; employing oradvocating more enlightened or liberal ideas, new orexperimental methods, etc.: a progressive

community.

3. characterized by such progress, or by continuous improvement.

America was founded by Progressives who wanted to ensure that their efforts and sacrifice were building a nation of perpetual improvement. The goal at the onset of our nation was to work each generation to make the next one better. We have strayed so far from this original vision of our republic that it is no less than appalling to report that the U.S. now ranks 9th in social mobility… We invented the damn concept and now we’re not even in the top 5. To quote Bill Maher, “That’s like Mexico being ranked 9th in the Mexican hat dance.”

Beyond the principals I hold for being liberal and proud, I feel morally bound to edify the just nature of the Liberal dogma. To further illuminate this as a sincerely objective argument I've included the definition of liberal.

lib•er•al:

[lib-er-uh l, lib-ruh l]

adjective

1. favorable to progress or reform, as in political or religious affairs.

2. favorable to or in accord with concepts of maximum individual freedom possible, especially as guaranteed by law and secured by governmental protection of civil liberties.

3. favoring or permitting freedom of action, especially with respect to matters of personal belief or expression.

So how did “liberal” become such a bad thing to be, much less word? How did we let Republicans demonize the obviously superior political ideology? I’m guessing the fact that most liberals are pussies had something to do with it.

Though, mainly it was from decades of calculated manipulation through mass media. In case you didn't know it, the media is almost entirely conservative owned and operated.

Despite the fact that you hear the phrase “Liberal Media” at least once a day, or once an hour on FOX NEWS, it simply is not true, but media bias will be explained further in the next chapter. Our current discussion is on what political beliefs actually mean.

In all fairness the modern Republican Party, is basically an anti-intellectual, anti-compassion, and anti-social contract version of the modern Democratic Party. Both parties have a recent track record of big government, gross spending, and war. The only thing that separates the two parties is what programs they favor, which lobbies they cater to and/or owned by, and which social-economic strata benefit from their initiatives. Other than that it’s the same bunch of liars.

Knowing this, I would think the average person would rather err on the side that favors opportunity, social responsibility, intellectualism, truth, and equality. I mean, that would make sense... unless you're an asshole. In which case, you're probably a conservative.

"Crazy Sh*t Republicans Say"

2012-11-01T17:57:00.001-07:00

“It may come as a shock to you who live out in the real world, but occasionally we do something up here. Not often, I admit, but sometimes. For example, I think the House has passed National Peach Month so far this year and we expect to act on it soon.”

- Bob Dole, 1982

2012-10-12T09:45:00.001-07:00

Excerpt From: "Crazy Sh*t Republicans Say"

“Because the -- all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculate, for example, is on the table; whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases. There's a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those -- changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be -- or closer delivered to what has been promised. Does that make any sense to you? It's kind of muddled. Look, there's a series of things that cause the -- like, for example, benefits are calculated based upon the increase of wages, as opposed to the increase of prices. Some have suggested that we calculate -- the benefits will rise based upon inflation, as opposed to wage increases. There is a reform that would help solve the red if that were put into effect. In other words, how fast benefits grow, how fast the promised benefits grow, if those -- if that growth is affected, it will help on the red.”

- George W. Bush, (12/13/05)

Bush explains his Medicare Drug Bill…

Only $4.99 on iBooks & Kindle

2012-07-12T16:10:00.001-07:00

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2012-06-21T12:06:00.001-07:00

2012-04-20T10:46:00.003-07:00

Bill O’Reilly

Professor

(Of 12^th Century Science)

Excerpt from:

Crazy Sh*t Republicans Say

O’Reilly’s astute argument for the evidence of a higher power:

“I say listen, sun goes up, sun goes down. Tide comes in, tide comes out. There's no miscommunication.”

- (5/9/2007)

“Tide goes in, tide goes out. Never a miscommunication.”

- (1/4/2011)

“Sun comes up, the sun goes down. The tide comes in, the tide goes out. It always happens. Never a miscommunication.”

- (1/5/2011)

“How'd the Moon get there? Look, you pinheads who attacked me for this, you guys are just desperate. How'd the Moon get there? How'd the Sun get there? How'd it get there? Can you explain that to me? How come we have that, and Mars doesn't have it? Venus doesn't have it. How come? Why not? How'd it get here?”

- Bill O’Reilly, (01/26/11)

Well, Mars actually has two moons. The Sun comes up and goes down frequently yes… because the earth rotates around the Sun while also revolving on its own axis. The gravitational pull of the moon controls our tides world wide.

Believe it or not, if you read this information from the elementary school text books it can all be found in, you might abandon your “Can’t explain it, God did it!” views on our ever understandable universe.

America

was founded during the Enlightenment when men came to the realization that the entire universe can be understood using reason, and that the “Old-World” crutch of religion was only necessary for matters of personal faith. It’s not that the intellectual faculties of man have been reversed in the last 240 years. It’s that narrow comprehension of proven physical science was rejected at public forums in the 18^th Century, instead of being sponsored by right-wing television networks.

Excerpt from:

Crazy Sh*t Republicans Say

Excerpt from "Crazy Sh*t Republicans Say"

2012-04-02T11:02:00.010-07:00

Crazy Sh*t Republicans Say

I propose implementing a strategy of identifying and ignoring crazy shit Republicans say. By ignoring the bull shit of the right, we can take it out of legitimate political discussion, and weaken its straggle-hold on truth and progress. Be forewarned, Republicans are quite masterful at manipulating facts and spinning their righteously indignant lunacy.

They utilize several techniques in their evil ways. So I’ve compiled a list of common devices used by the right-wing to shock and stupefy the masses. The following conservative tactics should be memorized and re-taught to fellow non-idiots, so that they can be properly identified and ignored in the future.

Conservative Tactic # 1

“I know you are, but what am I?”

Conservatives desperately and continually create false connections with liberals to words and policy that are inherently part of the conservative agenda and culture. Examples include constantly labeling Democrats:

racist, ignorant, unpatriotic, corrupt, unethical, & fascist

In truth all of the horrible things listed above accurately apply to the definition of conservative that was previously listed. All of these terms and their respective meanings are aligned with the true conservative and right-wing ideology, and have absolutely nothing in common with liberal principles. This clever ruse is a very damaging trick and is by far the most common of all right-wing tactics. Conservatives epitomize hypocrisy with their extremes of unethical behavior. From gay sex scandals to extra marital affairs nobody does exactly what conservatives claim to condemn more than the GOP. Right- wingers now accuse liberals of being fascists. I guess they’re assuming everyone forgot that fascism is a product of right-wing extremism, and it is evident in the writings and speeches of many conservative politicians and pundits. In fact the actions of Bush and his cabinet make it the most fascist administration in

U.S.

history.

Though liberals aren’t allowed to have a negative view on the president, no matter how retarded (yep Sarah, I did it again) because that would make us unpatriotic. So no one is allowed to interrupt him during interviews after the Superbowl, shout “you lie” while he’s addressing congress, call him the anti-Christ during fundraisers, or stick a finger in his face… unless of course you’re a Republican.

Excerpt from: Crazy Sh*t Republicans Say

Available on Amazon.com, iBooks, & Kindle

9/11 Commission

2012-03-02T11:58:00.002-08:00

"[After 9-11], liberal Democrats at first showed little interest in the investigation of the roots of this massive intelligence failure...[Bush and his team] made it clear that determining the causes of America's security failures and finding and remedying its weak points would be central to their mission."

- Sean Hannity, (2002), “Let Freedom Ring”

Actually, Bush opposed the creation of the 9/11 commission. He publically opposed a commissioned probe into how the government responded to terror threats before 9/11, despite the insistence to do so by those same “Liberal Democrats.”

From: Crazy Sh*t Republicans Say

Pump the Brakes Kid

2012-02-29T07:53:00.003-08:00

"Three years ago, in the midst of an economic crisis, a newly elected President Barack Obama stepped in with a bailout for the auto industry."

- Mitt Romney, (02/14/12)

Pump the brakes Mitt. Automaker bailouts began in the fall of 2008 with President Bush, who lent $17.4 billion to GM and Chrysler in an effort to protect over 1 million jobs that were on the chopping block if he didn’t act. But I forgot you’re the guy that loves firing people.

Excerpt: Crazy Sh*t Republicans Say

The Great Right Hope

2012-02-25T08:39:00.007-08:00

"We don't need to rewrite the Constitution of the United States of America, we need to reread the Constitution and enforce the Constitution. … And I know that there are some people that are not going to do that, so for the benefit of those who are not going to read it because they don’t want us to go by the Constitution, there’s a little section in there that talks about 'life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.' … Don’t stop there, keep reading. Cause that’s when it says 'when any form of government becomes destructive of those ideals, it is the right of the people to alter or abolish it.'"

- Herman Cain, (05/21/11)

Herman Cain, while lecturing on how Americans need to re-read Constitution, cites phrases from the Declaration of Independence.

Excerpt: Crazy Sh*t Republicans Say

Blood Libel

2012-02-23T12:28:00.003-08:00

"Especially within hours of a tragedy unfolding, journalists and pundits should not manufacture a blood libel that serves only to incite the very hatred and violence they purport to condemn. That is reprehensible."

- Sarah Palin, (01/12/11)

In the wake of the Arizona shootings targeting liberals…

First of all the term “Blood Libel” refers historically to the murder of Christian babies by Jews. So bad word choice… what is truly reprehensible is that you have the audacity to defend your ever harmful rhetoric that advocates violence and fosters hatred and resentment towards liberals and anyone that doesn’t share your small-minded views and ignorant perceptions. This is the definition of fascism.

Excerpt: Crazy Sh*t Republicans Say

Excerpt from "Crazy Sh*t Republicans Say"

2012-02-22T11:29:00.009-08:00

Conservative Tactic # 4

“Lie… a lot”

These guys love to just make shit up. Doesn’t matter how far from reality the claim is, in fact the crazier the better. Whether it’s about “Death Panels”, Fascism, the scientific merit of “Intelligent Design,” or Muslim schools in

Kenya

, rest assured, it’s all total bullshit. To help you identify the most popular conservative threads of lies the following information is the actual truth:

Ø Only 2% of welfare recipients test positive for drug use

Ø The president is an American citizen

Iraq

was not connected with 9/11

Conservative Tactic # 5

“God is on my side”

This claim is championed by brilliant leaders such as: George Bush, Tom DeLay, and Rick Perry. It’s sad that they on some level actually believe this. The irony of this is Jesus was liberal, super liberal. Legislation on universal healthcare, education, equality, welfare, and abolishing the death penalty all seem to be the kind of stuff Jesus liked. Oh, and he definitely didn’t like greedy rich dudes…
I believe he said something like:

“It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” MARK 10:25

Oh, snap. Sorry Romney, looks like you, and the entire Senate, are screwed. And so I send you out into the world armed with this knowledge to serve as a crusader for truth and justice.

From: "Crazy Sh*t Republicans Say"

Available on Amazon.com, iBooks, & Kindle

Act of God

2012-02-22T08:40:00.001-08:00

"From time to time there are going to be things that occur that are acts of God that cannot be prevented."

- Texas Gov. Rick Perry, (05/03/10)

This is Perry’s explanation of the entirely preventable Gulf oil spill disaster, as an “act of God.” A more suitable example of an act of God, would be Rick Perry being elected President.

Excerpt from: Crazy Sh*t Republicans Say

Fun Fact

2012-02-21T17:32:00.001-08:00

Fun Fact:

Neither Rush, O’Reilly, or Hannity ever served in the military…

Certainly are an opinionated group of pussies aren’t they?

You Big Fat Phony

2012-02-21T16:07:00.005-08:00

Crazy Sh*t Republicans Say

“The Phony Soldiers”

- Rush Limbaugh, (09/26/07)

This is the label Rush Places on members of the military that didn’t support the war in

Iraq

Funny thing, you see I was a member of the Army (155th Infantry Regiment). Though I was a proud, proficient, and disciplined Soldier, I disagreed with the war in Iraq. I wasn’t alone. Several, usually the more intelligent, Soldiers objected to serving in Iraq with good cause. After a minimal amount of research and just plain common sense, many Soldiers like me realized that Iraq had absolutely nothing to do with 9/11, Al Qaeda, or any terrorist other than the ones we created by destroying their country. The Iraq war and our mission was a lie. I enlisted to pay for my education not to act as the private army of crony capitalist. I love America, and I want to protect my country, and I would gladly fight and die doing just that. Iraq had nothing to do with defending freedom, and to ask a Soldier to give their life for anything less than that is disgraceful.

Excerpt: Crazy Sh*t Republicans Say

Racist Rush

2012-02-14T08:26:00.002-08:00

''[Obama] wouldn't have been voted president if he weren't black. Somebody asked me over the weekend why does somebody earn a lot of money have a lot of money, because she's black. It was Oprah. No, it can't be. Yes, it is. There’s a lot of guilt out there, to show we're not racists, we'll make this person wealthy and big and famous and so forth.... If Obama weren't black he'd be a tour guide in Honolulu or he'd be teaching Saul Alinsky constitutional law or lecturing on it in Chicago.''

- Rush Limbaugh, (07/06/10)

That's What I call a Sticky Situation

2012-02-13T16:05:00.001-08:00

“I believe and I think the right approach is to accept this horribly created — in the sense of rape — but nevertheless a gift in a very broken way, the gift of human life, and accept what God has given to you. As you know, we have to, in lots of different aspects of our life. We have horrible things happen. I can’t think of anything more horrible. But, nevertheless, we have to make the best out of a bad situation.”

- Rick Santorum, (1/20/12)

Santorum, arguing against aborting a pregnancy after being raped and suggesting women “have to make the best out of a bad situation.”

Doctrine of Fear

2012-02-13T08:57:00.000-08:00

"I have two grandchildren – Maggie is 11, Robert is 9. I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of

America

, by the time they're my age they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists and with no understanding of what it once meant to be an American."

- Newt Gingrich, (03/2011)

Funny, my fears don't make any sense either.

2012-02-10T10:59:00.002-08:00

2012-02-10T07:02:00.001-08:00

"Yeah. I mean, again, I think that’s an individual choice."

- Michael Steele, (03/2009)

Michael, affirming his Pro-choice position in GQ

"I am pro-life, always have been, always will be. I tried to present why I am pro-life while recognizing that my mother had a 'choice' before deciding to put me up for adoption."

- Michael Steele, (03/12/09)

Michael, immediately backtracking from his Pro-choice position

2012-02-09T13:26:00.001-08:00

"This is no time to be precious about locating the exact individuals directly involved in this particular terrorist attack. We should invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity."

- Ann Coulter, (09/13/01)

Overlooking everything else that is detestable about this statement… Yeah, because it’s not like Christians have ever committed atrocities in foreign lands.

2012-02-08T10:40:00.001-08:00

''I went to the movie this weekend with a gun. And surprise, surprise, I didn't kill anybody!''

- Glenn Beck, (07/22/09)

And movie-goers everywhere feel much safer…