Immora- Intergalactic Princess

Well, that just happened.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 27 Sep 2018 23:56:00 +0000

I am currently sitting in my new studio apartment in nurses scrubs on my new bed I got off amazon enjoying absolute quiet.

Its almost been a month. What happened you say?

Ridiculousness! Mother fucking ridiculousness.

Shortly after I made my last post I got together with my crush at his place and warned him that my room mate was probably going to flip out when he came home from work and I wasnt there and I dont have a clue why.

I was right. So very very right. I got a text from my room mate a day later saying, "I think you should be out by the end of this weekend."

Cool. We are agreed. He was freaking me out with the constant stalking and I did...whatever I did. I may never figure that out. The closest I have to an answer is he was obviously controlling and my answer to that is always to say "Fuck you. I do what I want when I want." (See Haifa incident 2 years ago where Maor was embarrassed that I was more than happy to walk fully clothed straight into the Mediterranean just to get away from him while he was trying to fight with me for no reason and then I became even happier when he started loosing his shit.)

My room mate freaking out wouldnt have been a problem. Slight stress trying to expedite getting the fuck out. The thing that made me loose my god damn mind was when a participant actually rubbed a god damn sandwich on my neck while lots of mentally there people laughed and then he smacked me on the ass in plain sight of everyone.

I wanted to punch a mentally challenged person in the face for the first time ever and everyone thought it was fucking hilarious.

I tried to blow it off all day. I drank too much that night. I just didnt show up the next day and put in my application for a new lease....

Then I biffed it HARD on my bike on a bike trail.

Annndddd my mother, with my daughter, were waiting for me right around the corner for me to spend the weekend with them.

My daughter saw me bloody as hell as an emotional wreck.

I gave my mom the gist of why I was bloody and an slightly out of my mind. Got them to move on and called my crush...why? I dont even fucking know. First name that popped into my head maybe.

So my crush took in my very bloody and bruised butt in for 2 weeks. It really should have been only a week but then the now ex room mate started saying things like "Nope, cant grab your stuff now, Im working over time." I was fully expecting to just sleep on my floor but he kept saying "I dont care if you stay here."

Ok!

Sex is great.....seriously, that man is in my head when we have sex. Im wet all the time, I regret nothing.... and its just the best.

I also had a threesome with him and one of his friends where I fingered his friend in the ass. Thats new. I dont think I was horrible at it. I was a little worried that I would hurt him He seemed really into it....and keeps texting me asking if we can get together again.

Ughhhh.... here is the thing friend of a friend.... buckle the fuck up with me.

Im actually really into my crush. When I say really into I mean I enjoy his company, hes hot, and he is the ONLY person on the face of the planet where when another hot guy said. "Can I fuck you?" I said, "I like that guy over there. Ask him if its ok."

I also dont care if he fucks someone else. I think there might be a twinge of jealousy if it were to happen but honestly, we are both grown adults. He takes care of me and I take care of him (Or it could just be took...still not sure where we stand there.) I dont know where this is going. It could fizzle out in a matter of days.... but thats life isnt it.

So that just happened.

Speaking of just happened. My crush is VERY VERY interested in making videos with me. If you would like a boy/girl video made let me know. Also, he also really wants us to be Slave Leia and Han Solo for Halloween and would also like to make a video of that. (Hes very dominant.)

Anyone that buys me the Slave Leia costume gets the video.....which aint going to be short....he goes forever. Forever but holy crap he throws me around like a rag doll and if I think about it anymore Im going to have to masturbate. Its hot sex.

For the love of god even if you dont want a video please buy me that costume so I can have another reason to choke on his dick.

Blogs dont grant wishes

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 31 Aug 2018 02:42:00 +0000

Last night my work crush sent me a message saying come find me when you get in and hinted us being naughty while the place was mostly empty.
I was actually psyched to walk in the door for two reasons:
1) Im really kind of getting off on this whole secret sexual stuff, its like space camp all over again only this time we will still be stuck in the same place 2 weeks later so if we say "I'll call you." one of us better follow up or move out of state REALLY quick, and getting caught isnt a call to home... its a call to HR.
2) I never have anything to do the first hour that Im there. Unless something went wrong right before quitting time the day before Im just walking around the building trying to look like Im doing something for no god damn reason.
So I was excited. Nothing went horribly wrong Wednesday night so I can clock in shimmy over and see if he has the balls to try something in a place with a lot of cameras...and I mean a FUCK TON of cameras. Weee!!!......

That is not what happened.

Not only did I NOT get any of my blog wishes granted (see previous post) Im pretty sure something out there went "Oh..no, no no no...this would be more fun...."
I walked in an immediately a coworker goes "I think there may have been a fuck up." She explains. No big deal. Walk to my desk......and didnt even make it there because overnight about 40 of the damaged "waters" fell off a pallet on the floor and created a HUGE fucking mess. So I rolled my eyes and went back to the front to get paper towels to try and kind of clean up the mess until the janitor got there. After I find paper towels (which was not easy... he hides stuff that people are going to want really well. The door is locked and no one but management should know about the hidden key so apparently managers are like, "If I want tissues, Im getting some god damn tissues.") Im walking back to the back of the floor when I see all the managers in a huddle. I think, "Whats that about? Could be A. B, or C..." when a line worker who creeps me out suddenly walks by and says "You arent going to say hi to me?"
I look at him still walking and go, "Uh..wha? Hi. Sorry. Im busy!"
Trying to clean up the mess with paper towels did nothing. I picked up the bottles and vowed never to try the product because the "water" congealed on the floor. The paper towels didnt even start to soak up anything until I stepped on them and when I picked them up what was left over looked like the fat used to make soap in Fight Club.
Then the most annoying line lead we have that came up to me. The woman cant multitask to save her life. Shes not even trusted to use a computer alone to print labels so she usually comes to me to watch her to make sure she does it right. Guess what she needed? Labels. Not even for a job shes running, for the next job that she didnt start until after lunch.
So many bizarre and frustrating things happened that when I finally finished something I actually need to do by a certain time every day I thought, "Oh thank god its almost lun....wait...fuuucckkkk we havent even been through first break. Oh, Im going to cry."
I was walking through the floor when my crush rolled by on a forklift and said, "You're quiet today."
My response, "OH MY GOD!!"

A little later I heard someone say they were done with a project that was being done in a back room in the office. Yes, I'll just go do last checks on that and take a really long time.
As Im walking by my crush who is talking with a couple other managers: "Oh, if you need me Im going to be in the office doing checks for a bit."
I got in the office and their version of done is not my version of done. They were done with ONE part....not the second. So crush came walking through, both of us pulling poker faces in front of 2 other people in the room, then comes back and says: "If you have a second, I need help setting up X for Y."
Me: "Ughhh today wont end! Fine. I'll be right back."
Coworker: "Ha! Her favorite part of this job."
*Bullshit talk... get stuff....bullshit bullshhh..."
Him whispering: "I thought you were inviting me to come see you."
Me: "I was. Nothing is working out for me today. Apparently 'Done' does not mean what I think it means to other people."

And the Oscars go to...

I'll spare all the other details in between fun stuff besides this one...
A new manager pissed me off. REALLY pissed me off. Im not sure if he just has a voice that says "Im an asshole." or if he meant to sound like an asshole when he said, "Sooo, what do you do?" but I instantly wanted to backhand him. Then while talking with someone else about nothing I said, "Im from Maine."
Possibly asshole manager: "That itty bitty state?"
Me thinking hes joking: "Heh! *realizing hes not joking* No. No. That big state right up there in the corner of the map."
He gives me a blank look: "Well I know its east."
Later I was standing at the end of a long row of pallets waiting for one to be pulled out for me. The new manager is coming into the path and the fork lift driver honked just before pulling out of the row like he should but this dickwad didnt stop until he saw the fork lift coming out of the corner of his eye.
Possibly asshole manager: "You were going to let him hit me."
Me *with a dead eye stare*: "I thought you heard him beep."
Manager: "I didnt know where it was coming from."
Me: "Whoops."
(Pro tip: Dont ever get on my bad side.)

If you want a happy ending to this day let this be the last paragraph that you read in this post.
My crush and I did find a few minutes in the day to talk about stuff other than work which, unfortunately, makes me want him more. Hes hot and adorkable.
We made out for a second and I lost the game of chicken. He was very ready to just go at it right there and I noped out. Couldnt do it. I could feel myself turning bright red and thinking "Shit, what if we get caught."
So I left work going "Is it like 90 out?" while everyone was saying it felt like a nice fall day.
Im also having a very hard time getting this devious look he gave me out of my head. You can toss out all the really dumb sexual innuendos he said in conversations. That look was just screamed "Its a really good thing Im wearing pants."
He won that round.

Sadly though...
About an hour before the end of the day the participants person came up to me and told me one of my favorite participants dad had died. His brother was about to pick him up and he may never come back (Hes moving to another state so his brother can take care of him.)
I went up to him waiting at the door with her and another person who will miss him to say goodbye. He gave us both a big hug and talked about how he was going on an airplane to a new house. This participant is probably in his 70s with the mentality of a 6 yr old. Im going to miss him so much.

Dear diary, I would like a pony, and a new bike, and a MILLION DOLLARS

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 30 Aug 2018 01:57:00 +0000

I had a horrible night of sleep. I had night terrors all night which alone Im totally ok with because then I just go "Ok...round 2." and go back to sleep. When you live with someone....who has PTSD from being in the military you wake up and go "Holy crap I hope I didnt scream myself awake....please dont bust in, please dont bust in.... it was hot in here and Im not wearing a top and we just dont need that kind of awkward *cringe*..........................*sigh* ok cool. Now to try and go back to sleep."
When my alarm went off I rolled over and went to pull up my normal sites that I read to keep my ass awake. I didnt minimize a dating site.
I got a message from my work crush in response to a smart ass comment I made a little over a week ago to get him to stop popping up as a top match on the damn thing.
Over a week ago! And yep, after some back and forth, I deduced that hes down for sex.
Why is there suddenly a response?
Does my blog grant wishes?

Lets test this:
Dear Blog,
I would like to have more time to spend with Lea, my own apartment ASAP, peanut M&Ms on my desk tomorrow morning, flowers for no god damn reason (because who doesnt want flowers for no god damn reason) and more money. Also a car but I guess I can just get that if you grant the money wish.

*squinting/crossing fingers/looking around*

Its probably an overnight thing.

Enter the next level of "Well, now what?"
Ok we have established there is a physical attraction. Great. We have established that we both have poker faces about it.... but lets face it, I think I won the game today I pulled off "Well, fuck me." while looking him dead in the eyes in front of everyone and got away with it because everyone knows I swear like a sailor.
Im actually not sure if I even want to have the sex. What if its not as good as flirting?

Crush: a brief but intense infatuation for someone, especially someone unattainable or inappropriate

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 29 Aug 2018 01:01:00 +0000

Im having a bit of a problem with work place crushes.

A new line worker has a crush on me. If he was 10-12 yrs older I might go "Hellooo." but hes not. Hes tall, dark, and ripped, not obnoxious like the other workers his age, and Im guessing painfully shy because most of his face is covered by his braids but hes MAYBE 22. My brain just goes "Aww, adorable but no."
A line worker who is much older than me said, "Hes got a crush on you." today.
I said, "I know..."
I knew from his first day. His eyes might as well turn into animated hearts when I walk by and yesterday he very unnecessarily picked up a very heavy bin full of water bottles and lugged it over to where we do rework showing off some really nice arm muscle action. I looked over and said "Woo. Someones showing off!" and he grinned.
Older coworker: "He asked me if I could talk to you for him."
Me: "Are we back in high school now?"
Coworker: "I told him to man up and talk to you himself."
Me: "Oh boy. Hes cute but way too young for me. This will not end well for him."
Coworker: "Mmmm-hmmm."
Now to add to that hint of awkwardness which I can easily play dumb about he either told some of the loud idiot workers his age or they are not blind or as stupid as I think and figured it out themselves and they are insufferable. One has started doing everything in his power to annoyingly get my attention and has started singing a song with a variation of my name VERY loudly.
If he keeps doing it Im going to have to get him talked to because its going to give me a headache and the song lyrics arent exactly something you want to hear yelled at work.
The young line workers dont last long so that bit of weirdness might be over by Friday.

I do however have a bit of an issue with myself.... I have a crush on a guy at work. Hes not a line worker and as far as I can tell hes not going anywhere so I just need to suck it up. Hes hot and every time I figure out we have something in common I mentally go "Damn it!"
Im not looking for a relationship. Every time someone on a dating site says "What are you looking for?" my answer is "I dunno." Friends are good. Fuckbuddies are good. If both work out and it turns into an actual relationship, great! If not Im not going to be devastated or even lose sleep.
This is why Im having an issue with this having a crush on a hot guy at work thing. If he was just some guy I kept running into at a coffee shop I would just say "Hey, netflix and chill?" If it worked out one way, the other way, or both ways...great. If not... oh well. But with work if he didnt share my "whatever, no drama" attitude its asking for disaster.
Half of me thinks he has no interest in me, so whatever. The other half wonders why a thing of tiny post-it notes just went whizzing by my arm but when I turned around he had obviously jumped behind a wall. Was that flirting or are my "HELL YEAH I WAS RIGHT AGAIN YOU MAN CHILD!" dances getting old?
Actually, if we are flirting with each other we are doing it by annoying each other soooo instead of acting like high schoolers like the young people, we are acting like grade schoolers.

I need a distraction. Preferably one with nice abs and a sexy accent...who delivers chocolate.

For pirates and death

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 27 Aug 2018 23:47:00 +0000

Last weekend we took a family trip to the Renaissance Faire.
Lea dressed up as a pirate. We changed her earrings for the first time to little skulls and crossbones. Of course, shes my child, that would be her first change.
After watching Barely Balanced my daughter decided she wanted to learn to juggle and become an acrobat. Considering she was dressed like a pirate I just shrugged and thought, "Well, at least you want to make a more honest living now."

After a fun weekend it was hard to drag my butt to work this morning. As soon as the hot and muggy as hell production floor air hit me it went down fucking hill fast.
One manager has left and his replacement doesnt seem ready to be out of training. He looked like a deer in the headlights all day.
A manager from another branch is switching places with our top manager so hes started doing half days. I met him for 2 seconds because my Mondays are busy as hell so I have no opinion about him.
A new warehouse manager came in today. Hes still in training...and the person who is getting a demotion has to show him around. Awkward.
I do have an opinion of the new warehouse manager and you can guess what it is based off this:
I was walking back to my desk when I saw him walk to the floor with water pallets on a hand jack. I went "PPSSST!! *warehouse guy*!"
Warehouse guy: "Yeah?"
Me: "Do you suppose its safe to pull around 2 water pallets?"
Warehouse guy: "You cant...wait, like one on top of the other?"
Me: "Yeah."
Warehouse guy: "That would be dangerous because if you stop too fast, depending on if you are pulling or pushing, you could very easily have the top on fall on your or anyone in front of you."
I pointed. He looked and his face just went "Oh balls."
Me smiling and giggling like a maniac: "I see many accidents in your future. Many, many accidents."
This new warehouse guy was supposedly hired for his extensive warehouse background.

This was mixed in with very bad news. A participant died. I dont know how.
He was in a motorcycle accident years ago and from then on could only use half his body and could only communicate by spelling out words on a sheet of paper taped to the front of his wheelchair. I obviously didnt talk to him a lot but he seemed like a good guy. I tried to help him as much as I could when I was around without babying him which he liked (I think.). He always gave a thumbs up or a fist bump.
He had been around for a while. Participants and higher up people who know all the participants really well took it really hard.
I actually didnt know WHO it was for a bit.
I knew someone had died though long before it got around because the person who watches over the participants came up to another woman who has been around for a while upset. After they talked the air changed. (Seriously, when this womans mood changes its like "There is a disturbance in the force.") I knew someone was dead. It was sold in my head when a manager who works with a lot of the participants came up to me to ask something and his eyes just screamed "Im holding it in." I would have just gotten it out of him but he had one of the new managers behind him so I let it go until he walked away. When he was out of earshot I looked at a woman who has also been around for a while and said, "Something has happened."
Her: "What?"
Me: "I think someone died."
Later at lunch she sat down next to me outside and said who it was. They told all the participants in the break room over lunch.
Im not very good with dealing with deaths. I dont know what to say so I generally try to say as little as possible. A few weeks ago a participant died of phenomena and Ron (a participant) sat down next to me and asked me about heaven and god. I dont believe in either and my go to thing with most participants is to treat them like I would my daughter but I would never tell my daughter there is a heaven or a god. I literally flubbed my way through a barrage of questions like "How do you get to heaven if you die in your sleep?" My mental answer, "You dont!" My actual answer, "Its easier that way because angels can find you in your dreams faster."
Ron came up to me again and told me about the death.
Me: "Yeah, I heard. Its very sad."
Ron: "Can I have a hug?"
Me: "Of course Ron."
Ron: "I love you Immora."
Me..... oh crap, say nothing. Hes just sad. He always just says to people what he wants to hear.
Ron: "You love me too, Immora?"
Me: "Yeah Ron, I love you."
Ron walked away satisfied. Then Timothy, who was sitting 10 feet away from all this pipes in...
Timothy: "He passed away."
Me: "Yes, he did."
Timothy: "Im not going to do that!"
Me: "I know you wont. You dont even have to worry about that."
Timothy: "Im not going to pass away. I dont want to do it. Nuh uh. Dont worry."
Me: "Im not going to worry about you Timothy."

Its going to be a great week.

Drama, Theft, Badger, Assault...normal

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 22 Aug 2018 23:50:00 +0000

Unless Im deliberately trying to be dramatic for comedy or just maximum "this is frustrating" effect I dont tend to get too excited about the things that go on at work. This is one of the reasons everyone tells me EVERYTHING!

Here was my day today:

7am:

Went to a meeting we have once a week about participants where we talk about the problem children and how to deal with them with new people and share any knowledge we have about whats going on in their lives that could have suddenly made them seem more difficult or explain any odd behavior.

My favorite couple has apparently broken up. I noticed Sandy flirting with a few young line guys at the beginning of the week. She was waving all the time and I guess she walked up to one guy and started rubbing his shoulders. His reaction was "What do I do? I dont want to get her upset but...ahh!"

We had to put her on the other side of the production floor away from her eye candy and 2 female line leads are trying to steer her back to being with Gary.

I have noticed poor Gary has been down all week. I said, "So thats why hes been so quiet! My poor Gary!" The person in charge of participants said, "Oh no, there is more going on with him but that doesnt help."

Eric has been acting out. Nothing I would consider crazy considering we have participants that get violent for almost no reason. He just took back his chair when the new guy took it away after he kept falling asleep at his table. He never does that. Person in charge of the participants said, "Yeah, he doesnt do well with change. I just hope he doesnt lose his pants. (Que questioning looks from those of us who havent been around for more than 4 months) Oh yeah, years ago we had a major manager change like we are about to have and he just pulled down his pants to the floor and started peeing. They had no idea how to handle it and ran to us (she meant her and the one other person in the room who has been there for years) screaming "HELP! WHAT DO WE DO! HES PEEING EVERYWHERE!"

8am:

Thats when participants come on the floor and if I havent watched the clock and hidden myself somewhere by my desk or in the warehouse get bombarded with at least 6 participants wanting my attention.

Participant 1:"Can you write this down for me mama?"

Me: "Sure. (On a good day its one sentence... today she started singing.) Hun, I have things I have to get to. Can we shorten that?"

While Im writing, Participant 2: "Hey Niki!" (Thats not my name, not even close but thats just what he likes to call me.)

Me: "One sec."

Participant 2: "Nikiiiii! Nikster! Nikkiiiii!"

Me: "Whats up?"

Participant 2 tells me all about what he did last weekend for the 15th time while I try to look interested and answer everyone else.

Participant 3: "Where am I today?"

Me: "Your on batteries."

Participant 3: "I cant do clack?"

Me trying to answer everyone at this point: "We dont have any orders for clack. Hi Debbie! Oh yeah, you dads picking you up today. Cool!"

Participant 3: "Can I pull the fire alarm?"

Me: "No, you still cant pull the fire alarm."

Participant 3: "Did you flush the toilet?"

Me: "I hope so. Hi Ron!"

Participant 4: "You like my tie?"

Me: "I like your tie Ron."

"You like my shirt?"

"I like your shirt."

"You like me?"

"You know I like your Ron."

This is inevitable really considering I have to check on how every participants work is turning out anyway Im one on one with every with them at least once a day. Its just less overwhelming if I dont get caught in the wave of them all heading to the floor. It also avoids repeat stories. Once I had to hear about a woman finding a cat 4 times because that day every manager that needed to talk to me had to do it within arms length of her. Im not totally convinced that they didnt do it on purpose.

10am:

I go to check on a line that I might as well live at considering how many problems the machine has. I was informed by people Monday that they saw one guy drinking damaged goods and hiding it in a trash can behind the machine. I found an empty bottle. They again told me as soon as I got over that they saw him do it again the day before. I did a "why is the machine acting up?" walk and looked in the trash, nothing there. I went back about an hour later and found 2 empty bottles of a product we haven't worked on in over a week in the trash can hidden under film that was pulled out during the many fixings of the dumb machine.

Here is the thing with that:

1) Even if the production big boss said "Sure, take the damages." (Which I keep telling people who eye them or just ask me, if he is in a good mood and they dont take advantage of it, he will!) Its NEVER OK TO DRINK THEM ON THE FLOOR! Thats a health code violation.

2) There are cameras. Oh there are fucking cameras. And Ive noticed over the past week that the bosses LOVE watching them. I think they are after one person but people are getting caught in the cross fire. Hiding behind a machine to take a drink will hide you from people ON the floor...not from that camera over there dumbass.

So I narced. The guys on the line know I only narc when I think someone deserves it and this guy totally deserved it. Hes being lazy as fuck and chugging multiple bottles in front of everyone else keeping their noses clean like hes sneaky... nuh uh.

Usually I just walk up to people and say "Stop it." to whatever rule they are breaking and they do. He bypassed that with me after I watched him go up to the line and stare at rejects like they would get up on their own and walk into a bin off the belt. I was standing in front of him on the other side of the belt grabbing rejects watching him not move a god damn muscle and said "Fuck it."

Him: "What?"

Me: "Bucket. Can you get me another bucket?"

12:10pm:

Before everyone can go to lunch they have to do stretches. I usually make sure Im by my desk at that time so I can snake my way out the side so no one sees me go outside to smoke. I dont need to stretch, Im running around all day, Im bending over, Im lifting, Im smushing myself between things like Elasticgirl to do counts. A neck role and wrist twist isnt going to help me. I want 2 minutes of silence before I get people coming out for lunch updating me on anything I may have missed during my constant tour of the floor.

I was staring off into space at a picnic table when two very large black men who also escaped the stretches off to my right smoking and talking by the air conditioner suddenly jumped and ran over to me (one actually jumped ON the table.)

"JESUS! DID YOU SEE THAT?!"

Me: "No."

"THAT WAS A FUCKING BADGER!"

Me, getting up slowly and sitting on the table: "Awesome."

1pm:

All the mangers have gone missing. A new line lead who cant multitask for shit is freaking out because 2 of her participants are MIA. Somewhere around 9am I was asked by a manager to make sure she stays calm and to help her however I can because her freaking out gets everyone freaked out.

Me: "I'll go find people."

.....I found someone but not the someone that I wanted. "Where is X or Y?"

Him: "They are occupied there was a...." Then he got grabbed by someone else who needed him to step in.

Meh, there was a....

I will find out soon enough.

1:15pm

Answer to "there was a....."

Over lunch a few people went to a restaurant and out of the blue a female line worker started punching a male line worker.

There was much MUCH more detail but honestly there are holes in the story big enough to drive a MAC truck through. I just let one person involved vent to me and said I wouldnt say anything. Which I didnt. My mouth hasnt opened about any of it.

This is normal. Very stupidly normal.

4th Wall break

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 21 Aug 2018 00:53:00 +0000

I need to find my own place. It was decided Thursday that I cant stay with my friend anymore no mater how nice he is.

1) Im too much for him. I havent camed because I have a fear that he will walk in. Not because Im afraid of him seeing me naked or something but because I think his conservative brain would burst.

I said I wouldnt bring guys over. His girlfriend is over every weekend (which I dont care because Im never here on weekends so I spend maybe an hour around them, and for other reasons, his place his rules and all...but still its always weird thinking "Im going to invite *sexy guy 1* over!....oh fuck..wait...FUCKKKK")

2) People are trying to use me to keep tabs on him and apparently hes keeping tabs on me:

Whenever his girlfriend is over when Im home she will find a quick second to try and grill me on SOMETHING. Nothing totally specific. She just makes comments like "Hes so grumpy." "Hes been so quiet."

What do you want me to say? If you dont see him more than me you need to stop calling him boyfriend because we talk for maybe an hour a week. He told me he had a shitty work week. His Aunt died. Maybe he stubbed his toe? Could it be that you constantly make fun of him in a teasing sarcastic tone so often that even I (person who has known you for a total of 4 hours in 2 months) wonders if you are really just a huge bitch trying to be cute. I want to think your cute but Im starting to want to slap you for him. Also, some of the things you say about yourself make me go "Wait, 1+2 should not equal 5 here."

I have coworkers that ask about him. Which is fine. But very recently (the day after I decided I need to move out) one of them just asked "Is he going to work?"

I said, "Yeah. He took a couple days off because he was sick but hes better now."

Coworker, "What kind of sick?"

Me, "It could have been allergies for all I know. I swear men are babies when they are sick. He was acting like he was dying."

I didnt think about this conversation for a second because this coworker is about to move to Florida and I know they are playing the "lets get together, oh something came up." game. Then 5 minutes later I went "Wait, what?" because...well just think about it.

So about the people keeping tabs on me. Wednesday night I got a message from a hot guy on an app that he wanted to hang out. And being a classy lady I went "Damn that is one hot piece of ass! Shit, I cant bring him here! I'll tell him to pick me up and take me to work tomorrow." He agreed. Well, Im use to living 20+ minutes from civilization so I wasnt in a hurry to pack my overnight bag. Que a text message 5 minutes later saying "Im here!"

Well, fuck. I grabbed everything I could remember might be essential to looking normal tomorrow and ran out the door. Apparently forgetting to lock it.

Anyway, the night went fine. I now am so use to sleeping alone the poor guy kept having to fight my unconscious ass for space. It was great for me. For other reasons though I doubt we will see each other again.

Forth wall break. (I'll be more than happy to smack you upside the head while explaining how what you said was really REALLY wrong.)

Anyway, I went to work. I took a half a day because my mom is my babysitter obviously and she had to pick up my sister from Ohare. (My sister went to Iceland on a research trip. She got me a rock from a site where they filmed GOT... love her.) Everyone knew I was taking a half a day on this particular day...except for my room mate and his friend I work with. So before I left I said, "Hey, did I tell you Im taking a half day? My boss will be here soon I think." That was it.
So Im walking home and my room mate drives by. Me inside "Oh hes going to work early. *waving* Hi roommate!"
He was apparently SUPER concerned about my forgetting to lock the door and not being home. I thought it was very nice of him to be concerned but also thought "My toothbrush, shoes, phone, bag, ect were gone...what do you think happened?" I found out he texted my coworker asking where I was and he said, "She just left" Thinking nothing of it.
Being a logical person the level of concern he had is sweet but.... irrational. Who dies in a ditch with their toothbrush? It is nice. Im very glad hes looking out for me but there was a lot and very little planning involved with my disappearance to say anything but "Got laid, had plans next day."
I dont like people watching everything I do. I dont even let my own mother do that.

Now looking for sugar daddies to get me more space than I need in a place I cant afford!

There was a middle but there is no end

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 15 Aug 2018 23:27:00 +0000

Where did I leave off?
Honestly, I dont remember and I dont care to look back so lets just a super general catch-up to where I am now.

Im just going to lump most events together that lead up to now as depression. Deep dark depression. Honestly, I didnt talk to anyone about it unless they noticed because I got blown off a lot. Now that Im out of my depression people who ask how I got to where I am now say, in my response to my simple answer of "depression", "I didnt think people like you got depressed." To which I would say, "What do you mean, people like me?" And they would respond "Attractive people." or "Funny people."
Thank you, I also think Im attractive and yes, I like to find the funny in everything. If I dont I will go right back into the hole I just got done crawling out of...and I dont want to be in the hole again.

So, that's that. No need for gory details, so dont ask. On to where I am now:

Housing:
After my first year in my last apartment I never signed an on going lease. The landlord just said "Lets just do month to month." I figured he was going to try and sell the building. 2 years later I got a notice saying "Termination of lease." Not an eviction notice. Totally legal. I however was not expecting it after being there for 3 years so I hadent saved for a down payment on a new place plus the first months rent, moving costs, or a storage unit. I was convinced for 28 days that I was shit-out-of-fucking-luck and just packed up my most important things, sold off what I could, and prepared to be homeless.
A friend of mine reached out at the last minute and said they had an extra room I could use. HOLY FUCKING SHIT I WAS SAVED! So I have moved in with my friend, I live in the spare bedroom on an air mattress and have my stuff still in storage bins or suit cases. Its not fancy but its a roof. We work opposite shifts so we only see each other for a few hours on Friday.
Honestly, its like living with a ghost. I walk in to an empty apartment do my thing, go to bed, and when I wake up doors are shut and things have been moved around.
I will owe this friend forever. He says that cleaning the bathroom and doing dishes is enough but Im pretty sure if he ever asked for a kidney in 10 years "He made sure you werent homeless" will be the first thing to pop into my head. Hes seriously set up for organs from me.

What I think is odd: I lost just about everything. Im sure everyone thinks of the perfect scenario where if a fire starts what they would save. Thats what I did. I acted like that was happening. I only took what was most important to me. I was bawling my eyes out for 2 days straight after I moved in with this friend. He seriously let me just curl up on the couch and cry while watching LivePD (thats actually pretty entertaining) and kept dropping pizza and Mexican food in front of me until I snapped out of it. I think he should be a doctor. When I stopped crying I just stopped and went "Well, shit... never hurts to start over does it?"

Lea:
I will not lie. My depression started effecting Lea. She started to tell people I slept a lot. I was forgetting things. It was not good. My parents noticed and took legal guardianship of Lea. I was there at the hearing of course and explained the situation. The judge said that she could see that I was a smart responsible person for being able to understand what I was accidentally doing to my daughter and making sure effects on her were minimal. Yay, Im aware of my effect on the one I love the most. Didnt make me feel better. I actually just got a lot worse for a while.
Up side, shes on my parents insurance which is WAY better than mine so, yay.
I also see her every weekend or day off in general that I have. She always sees me at my best.
As far as I know unless its someone close to me that I have just told no one has actually picked up on the fact that I dont have Lea full time.
Im working on changing that obviously. Now that Im much better I just need the place and the means and I want her back with me. Thats the goal.

Work:
Oh sweet jesus on a pogo stick. I have had so many jobs in the past couple years its sickening. I have either walked out of them or just gotten myself fired for not showing up. Mentally, I just couldnt take them for one reason or another. Constant negativity everywhere, stupidity (and I can take stupidity but this wasnt funny stupidity... this was... go jump off a bridge stupidity.) I just couldnt hack em at the time.
Lucky for me my friend who was kind enough to take me in also happened to know a place that was hiring (its actually always hiring).
Its a non profit company that does assembly, packing, and shipping type work. They hire disabled people (they call participants) and people who have a hard time getting a job for whatever reason (they call them support, I call them line workers). I had never worked in that type of setting and beggars cant be choosers so I took a job as the Quality person.
No one works under me and right in the building no one is really over me. My job description is to go around making sure that product is being assembled/packaged/shipped to customer specifications, do audits, and generally make sure everyone is following the rules.
What I actually do is all that plus I sit down and help on jobs....because I get bored very easily so if I run out of things to check on and paperwork to do Im just going to keep myself busy assembling or packing crap.

Funny thing is... I actually LOVE this job. I can keep myself busy all the time, even my boss who shows up once a week knows that I know what the fuck Im doing so besides saying "Did you look over the job card for *job starting next week*? Yeah. Good." Im just left alone to do my thing.
The participants love me and I think most of them are great (there are a couple that I just do a quick "Hey! *check 5 random pieces* Great job!" and run) but they are problem people such that if you spend too much time around them will either hit you and you dont know why or NEVER LET YOU LEAVE THEIR SIDE!
The participants are my happy place. It doesnt matter how crappy the day is or if 90% of the building is in a horrible mood, 10% are still sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows. Wendy who constantly asks crazy things like "Can we have a squirrel here?" "Can I pull the fire alarm?" "What would happen if I didnt eat lunch? or just yells "LUNCH TIME!" for no reason constantly cracks me up. AJ likes to talk about watching womens wresting. One guy always wears old school Power Rangers EVERYTHING, never talks, but will randomly just walk up and hug me (Im not a touchy person but he has the mentality of a 6yr old so Im flattered that he considers me safe and I just deal with it like I would deal with a child) . I dont even know his name but I sent an email to Jason David Frank about the guy hoping he reads it and maybe sends a "Good job buddy!" letter to this guy because he doesnt work enough to get any of the little certificates the company has made up for participants. Im also, "Happy friends." with Dale, (he reminds me all the time) and witness to the ridiculously adorable relationship between Gary and Sandy (watch the other sister... that little romance is what I see every day. If you dont go "awww" you are a heartless twat).
With the support staff, or as I like to call them line workers, its a love hate relationship. Because they hire people who have questionable backgrounds we get everything from people who are trying to rebuild their lives, people who just need a part time job to supplement their other disability income, or lazy ass mother fuckers.
I gave myself a reputation pretty quickly with the support staff and the management. Im not above doing your job for you to prove its just that god damn easy (and I'll tell you, no one likes it when a 5'6 skinny white bitch goes "Hold my clipboard." and does a job faster and better) and if you work hard I'll help you with whatever you want. Cant find a box cutter? Here are 2 new ones. Dont want to take out the 2 boxes of catfood that exploded in the heat in the warehouse so its now covered in maggots and smells like something beyond death? I'll at least move it to the side and bat my eyelashes at the manager with the muscles until he takes it out. Whatever you want. If you are lazy though...Im your worst nightmare because I see and hear everything...and I give the most evil look ever which has made people jump right the fuck out of their skin to do whatever it was that I politely asked them to do in the first place.
Yep, I love it. Only thing I dont love is the pay and benefits. Its a non profit so both are shit.
Im working to trying to find something similar with better pay.

Dating:
Im going to leave this as an "Im trying."
Unless it pops into my head none of the past horrible dates will be mentioned. Lets just start fresh here.
I am trying to date. Its not going well. More to come...probably soon.

There, we are all caught up. From now on Im going to blog like normal.

Hold on to your butts.

Maybe its a sign?

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 20 Dec 2015 05:14:00 +0000

After I came home from Israel I called the pre school Lea was supposed to be enrolled in and said I wanted her in for the next semester. I had her enrollment fee and paperwork in back in August and she was geared up to go till I decided to run half way around the world.
They told me there was still room for the days I wanted and it was no problem.
Last week I went in to drop off her immunization records (that they dont require till 30 days after the child starts) and the lady said she thought all the classes were full and I couldnt get in.
Excuse me? My daughter has been enrolled for half a year. Weeks ago there was no issue but now we are bumped?

I didnt freak out. She said someone would call me and let me know. I havent heard anything. I dont think I will because now its Christmas break. I will call a couple times anyway to try and get an answer starting Monday.

Im thinking this is a sign.
I do really want to visit my older sister and her 2 kids in Malaysia. Maybe we should just go.
I also told my in laws I would try to be back for Passover if I can afford it.

Maybe this is just what is supposed to happen. Instead of being in a structured classroom my daughter will just learn from interacting with kids that dont speak her language (my sister was raised in Germany her kids dont speak much English and of course the Israeli family speaks Hebrew) in a verity of social situations in different cultures.

Its not the American suburban wonder bread way but maybe it will just be our way.

You havent seen me angry yet

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 16 Dec 2015 07:20:00 +0000

I found out some of the paperwork I got for my divorce was wrong and there is some other stuff you get after you physically file that everyone needs to sign.

Maor still wont answer my calls.

His parents suggested I call his cousin that he still talks to and ask him to call me. So I did.
I was not pleased with what the cousin said.

Maor is not talking to me because he came to visit a couple weeks ago and I wouldnt let him in the house. He also wants to be away from drama. That is complete bullshit. Maor has NEVER tried to come visit. He hasnt even called.

I told his cousin thank you for the information and for trying.

Inside Im in a rage.

He hasnt come to visit. The only drama is coming from his ignoring the fact that hes an adult with a wife and a child.

Ive decided that after Disney Im going up to Minneapolis again and Im going to stay there as long as it takes to hunt him down and get him to sign. Too bad for him I am relentless and know exactly where to go. I also have no shame when Im angry and will tell EVERYONE what he has done till he signs. I dont give a shit. Im building a new life without him all I need is him out.
He can ignore us as much as he wants when Im not legally bonded to him.

Im on the fucking war path now.

Maor, if you still read my blog, you dont want to know whats going to happen when I get up there but I will tell you anyway. You have 2 weeks to stop acting like a child before I rip you out of your hiding place. I will find you, I will ruin whatever reputation you have made for yourself, I will make you sign the fucking divorce papers, and I will smile the whole time after the lies you have spread.

There is nowhere for you to hide. You and I both know I have all means to hunt you down. I will probably beat you with the paperwork too, which is thick so thats no joke.

My anger at this point has no end.

Im not dead yet!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 12 Dec 2015 07:11:00 +0000

Well, Im still alive.

Israel was pretty damn awesome.
I hate to say it but the stabbings made it more enjoyable. Instead of them feeling like we should go to every tourist spot that I have seen twice already we stayed around Haifa and went to the beach a lot.
I was in heaven.

Yes tourist spots are great and I LOVE seeing historical sites but I was working my regular hours which in Israel is 12am-8am. So I slept for about 4 hours every day because even though they insisted I sleep they are fucking loud by nature. I can hear an Israeli coming from a mile away. I did have ear plugs because I knew what I was getting into....thats how I got my 4 hours of sleep a day.

So, to explain the previous blog post:
I got home the week of my birthday. I told Maor not to come that first weekend because my aunt and grandma were coming for my birthday and Halloween. My family HATES Maor because of what he has said to me, his not paying child support we agreed on, his now frequent disappearing acts, and lots of other things that happened while we were married that just made them angry.
So my asking him to wait till the week after was really for his own benefit. Who wants to show up to see their kid to be greeted by a family that would turn their backs to an accident happening.
He said OK.

After Lea and I got home I became so sick that my parents thought I was going to die and ended up taking Lea for a while.
I had a temperature of 103 for 2 days straight and started hallucinating.
Before I started getting REALLY bad I called Maor 3 days before he was supposed to come visit and asked if he could come early to take care of Lea. He said he couldnt but suggested I go to the hospital told me to call him later.
2 days later when my fever broke and I could kind of function again I remembered it was the day he was supposed to show up. I called him. No answer. Text. No answer. Facebook. No answer.
I went to the hospital a couple weeks later because whatever I had came back. My parents took Lea again.
I texted Maor to tell him I was in the ER. I called his parents when I got out of the ER. Still nothing from him.

That was 11/6. Its 12/12.
Nothing.

Not for my lack of trying. Ive tried calling, texting, facebook, pleading, threats, calling his parents, skype. NOTHING. No answers.

I think hes seeing someone else. I told his parents that because I still talk to them once or twice a week. Hes not even talking to them anymore.

The explains the last post.

So now Lea and I are doing Hanukkah and preparing for Disney.
I dont know what Lea is going to do when Hanukkah ends. Every night now she gets excited when the sun goes down and sits at the table waiting for me to light the candles and give her presents for the night. That ends in 2 days.

We leave for Disney on the 23rd. The whole thing has been planned out because my aunt Mary is stupidly excited and has been thinking about this for a year.
Im just looking forward to some real time off, seeing family I havent got to really visit with in YEARS, a pool, sun, seeing Leas little face when she sees the freaking castle and all her favorite characters.

My whole plan is to wake Lea up super early on the day we leave and give her a new Disney themed backpack (to be determined, I havent been shopping), new coloring book, new crayons, and her Ipod loaded up with her Disney movies and tell her to get her butt out the door. Shes 3 so she wont get it but that part will be for me. We have to drive 3 hours to the airport.

Its going to be fucking magical. We both deserve a fucking magical week.

This post is for one person.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 12 Nov 2015 04:49:00 +0000

Maor.

What the fuck?

You have gone M.I.A again.

I dont care what your reasoning is to your parents.

Im currently trying to figure out what to do with you from now on. We will be divorced by the end of the year even if I have to drive up there and make you sign things myself. I wont bring Lea if I do have to come find you. It will just be me and the wrath you know I can bring, behind me.

I just need to figure out what to tell Lea.

Also, Ive decided we are going to Malaysia to visit my sister. I know how much you love the idea of me going to a primarily Muslim country to visit my pro Palestinian family.
Sit on that for a bit.

Happy Holidays.

-Your wife.

Lost in Translation

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 06 Oct 2015 10:59:00 +0000

Lea and I have made it to Israel.

The flight was hell for me. We left at 7pm on Sunday night. Lea slept all the way to Amsterdam but I couldnt sleep for the life of me. I was too excited/nervous.

I was worried that the thing I have to log in for work would be blocked for some reason. I was worried that everything would be super weird with the family seeing as Im divorcing their son.

So no sleep for me. When we got to Amsterdam I was hoping to check into a hotel that I saw in the airport last year but it was under construction so I walked around with Lea till I couldnt move anymore. I plugged her into Disney movies on the Ipad and slept in paranoid 10-20 minute intervals.

We where stuck there for 8 hours. It actually turned into 10 hours because when they started boarding the flight they announced a security issue and made everyone go through security again.

We arrived in Tel Avivi at 3:30am on Tuesday (their time).

I dont remember much about Tuesday. I napped off and on and we went to Great Grandpas house. Then I had to work at 1am on Wed.

My hours for work didnt change and I never planned on asking for any time off. So on a normal day here in Israel I work 12am to 8am.

My schedule has been run around all day, sleep for 2-4 hours, work 8 hours, sleep another 2-4 hours, run around....repeat.

Energy drinks are about $0.50 when you do the conversion though so I have been living off those.

We have been having a great time. Everyone is being super nice. They are really happy to see Lea.

We have gone to fairs, bbqs, the beach, pools. Its been awesome so far.

Im actually having more fun now then I ever did coming here with Maor. I get to talk more. If I want something I have to suck it up and communicate or figure out a way to get it myself instead of being a sissy and relying on him to do everything for me.

I feel better about being here now. Depending on if Im still in high spirits at the end of the month and how much I end up spending I think its entirely possible that I could really make this kind of trip once a year no problem.

The only time I felt slightly uncomfortable so far was a total misunderstanding.

Ive been hanging out with one of Maors sister a lot. She asked me if I wanted to go to a pub around 4pm for a beer. I said sure.

So at 3:45 I was hanging out on the couch and she said "Get ready!"

I was wearing a pair of jean shorts and plain t-shirt. I looked down at myself and said "I am ready, I just need to get my shoes."

Her "Noooo! You need to dress up!"

Me "Why? We are going for a beer."

Her "Everyone dresses up to go to the pub."

We argued about it for a little bit and I sighed and put on more of a going out shirt but kept the shorts. We had an argument about how my shorts are beach shorts in Israel.

She tried to dress me in her cloths (we have totally different tastes) and I finally put my foot down and said I wanted to wear jean shorts and wasnt doing my makeup so lets just fucking go.

The pub was not a pub. It was a night club that was confused about the time.

Club dance music, people dancing on the bar, confetti guns.... holy shit.

I had fun but thats not a pub!

Im still arguing with her about the meaning of pub and club.

One week down.

I hope we get to go to Jeruselem before we have to leave. We where supposed to go yesterday but because of the terrorist attacks we are staying away from it.

Lets get out of here!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 14 Sep 2015 06:37:00 +0000

Well, I did have Lea enrolled in preschool and swim classes...

Then I lost my damn mind and decided that I should go to Israel to visit the inlaws for a month.

Ok, I didnt really lose my mind. I have a job where I can work from anywhere and Lea doesnt HAVE to be in school for another 2 years so I just decided to take advantage of my flexibility and take Lea to spend time with the other side of her family. They will like it, she needs to get to know that half of the family, and I... am probably going to end up doing some sort of Eat, Pray, Love thing out of all of this.

I need to buy a new phone so I can get international data and texting for free on my plan.
If you would like updates while Im in Israel...keep reading this blog or see my snapchat: Immora or twitter: Immora1
Its free.

If you want to help pay for the new phone.... donate link is over there --->

If you dont, Im getting it anyway because upgrading my phone is cheaper than international rates! And my phone is 3 years old. Im surprised it still works.

I went on a date tonight. Im torn on how it went. He was nice, interesting, and funny. I really liked him. I dont like that I liked him. Im slightly disgusted with myself for liking him.
If he doesnt like me Im going to be disappointed.
If he does like me Im leaving the country for a month and who will actually wait around for that?
This is a disaster.
If I actually thought I was going to like someone I never would have done this dating thing!

Special post: Where are they now

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 04 Aug 2015 04:15:00 +0000

Its really not a special post. I just havent posted anything in so long its more of an update.

Im feeling much better. I snapped out of my sadness a few weeks ago. Im not even sure how it happened, it really was like something in my head flipped a switch.
I had a huge fight with Maor, again. Hes dropped off the face of the earth, again.
2 days after the fight I just woke up and didnt care anymore.
It also helps that about a week after that my mom suggested Emergenzzzz. Its actually helping me stay asleep at night so Im not exhausted 2 hours I wake up. I do have an issue with horrible nightmares but when I wake up screaming I dont lay awake for hours anymore.
Im in a much better mood. Lea and I are doing a lot more.

I even went on a semi blind date. I knew what he looked like and that he was big into mountain bike racing.
It was....not good.
What I thought was limited information about him was actually ALL the information about him.
The only thing he talked about was biking. The only hobby he has is biking. He quit college after one year to focus on biking.
We went biking. To a restaurant but he was so spacey he kept getting lost (even though he goes to this place a lot). A 2 mile ride turned into 10 miles in 87 degree heat. He thought it was awesome and showed me his app that tracks routes and miles. I was ready to strangle him.
To my surprise he actually texted me later saying he had a great time and wanted to know if I wanted to get together and just chill and watch a movie.
Im pretty sure that was the first time in my life I have gotten a text like that from a nice really hot guy and my reaction was to scream in horror, hide my phone under a pillow, and hope it disappeared. If I have to hear about the joys of biking again I'll hurt someone.

Lea and I went on a girls weekend with 3 of my girlfriends last weekend.
We went to the Renaissance fair which is a 2 hour drive away. No one wanted to wake up at 5am to put on our elaborate costumes and get there by the time the fair opened so we all split a hotel room.
Lea had the best time.
As soon as we told her she was going to see pirates and fairies she kept saying she wanted to find the Sea Witch (a character on her new favorite show Jake and the Neverland Pirates).
We found a couple women dressed like witches and told Lea to go talk to them. Her eyes got as big as dinner plates and she eventually walked up to them. One gave her a marble and told her something but I didnt catch it cause I was trying to get pictures. She was the happiest little thing after and yelled "THANK YOU SEA WITCH!" while we walked away.
We also found a woman dressed as Maleficent who pulled off the look so well you would actually think Angelina Jolie was walking around in character. It was crazy! We pointed her out to Lea and I had a hard time keeping up with her as she ran up to her. She gave her a hug, we took pictures, and Lea asked her if she wanted to come with us. Everyone in a 30 foot radius awwed.
She didnt walk up to one single fairy or "nice" looking person. She was all skulls and bad guys. Thats my baby.
I had my own little following. Kids ran up to me and wanted pictures. 3 little girls gave me leaves and twigs as presents and kept finding me at different times with different friends also dressed up as fairies. They where convinced that I knew every fairy there.
We had a great time. A few of my favorite pictures:

Lea and I have our things we do now. We go to the library, the bakery down the road gives free cookies to kids under 12, Ive found all the good parks in the area, there is a "beach" we go to, the town we are in has a cinema thats great for kids because the sound system isnt that great and its small, and the zoo is a favorite of Leas.

Its not a bad update.

By my pretty little bonnet

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 13 Jun 2015 05:54:00 +0000

Today was not a good day.

I worked a double shift type thing. Cause I really owe someone for the shifts they have covered for me and Im banking hours for the Disney World Christmas.

Did I mention that yet? I dont think I did.
My Florida residing aunt bought most of the family passes to Disney World for a week over Christmas and rented a cottage so all the little kids can be together. I cant wait! Lea is really too young for anything but the Magic Kingdom but shes never met her cousins, I havent seen my cousins in ages, the cottage is right on the safari part so we can see the animals from our rooms, and FUCKING SPACE MOUNTAIN!!!!!!

Anyway...work...long day...
That wasnt that bad. It was a rainy day so all Lea wanted to do was color and watch movies anyway. And really, after doing 18 hour days in retail during the holidays while pregnant, sitting on my butt staring at a computer is a cake walk.

What sucked was Maor called. He hasnt called, emailed, texted, or even asked for Lea in WEEKS and yesterday his parents quizzed me on how much he called because apparently hes telling them he calls all the time and I dont let him talk to Lea.
So of course he actually called today.

Before I let him talk to Lea I quizzed him myself, where has he been, why hasnt he called for her, where is the money we agreed on for child support? No answer was a good one but the thing that slapped me in the face was that he said I could have child support when the court ordered it. THAT is not Maor. Someone told him to say that. God forbid I ever find out who it is. Their death may not be the result of my work but it will be long and painful....and probably the result of a tragic long and painful accident.

Another side note. He looks like shit. Hes lost a ton of weight and is super pale. To be fair, I look like shit too but Im working full time and raising a child while also trying to maintain a social life so hopefully I look like happy shit.

After the conversation and after I made it clear that if he does a disappearing act again I will never let him talk to Lea again (that was what my dad did. He popped in and out when he felt like it. It was painful to grow up with and I refuse to let Maor do that to Lea.) I put Lea on.

From the things he said to Lea it is now a race to get paperwork in. Hes going to leave the country. Leas documents are all in a safety deposit box that only I can get in so I dont need to worry about him taking her that but I cannot imagine that trying to divorce someone over seas is easy.

On the bright side. Tomorrow Im going to have donuts, coffee, and go see Jurassic World with one of my best friends. We both have wonky schedules but we refuse to be the last people to see this movie! Its going to be fun.

Lea is also starting gymnastics soon.

Things really are getting better. We just have to take the ups with the downs.

Not my best moment but fuck off anyway

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 28 May 2015 05:30:00 +0000

Last night I was trying to get back into my tai chi.
I havent been sleeping well so I thought a little exercise would be good.

Well, I started thinking about why I wasnt sleeping and realized the very VERY few days I have to sleep the down stairs neighbor has been the one to keep me up with her parties and fights with whoever. So I started stomping moves out of anger. STOMPING!

I stopped after about 2 minutes when another neighbor said it was disrupting him. I apologized and told him it will never happen again (because it really wont and that guy will be getting leftover cupcakes Sunday that Im making for a different residents birthday party)

I shouldnt have done what I did.
I even told that to the landlord today when he was changing the locks and brought it up.

BUT.

When she came up 12 hours after the stomping and said "Not cool! I wake up for work at 6am!" I looked at the clock (11:30 am)
I laughed in her face. Told her about how I actually have to work nights and wake up with my child at 6am and I did not appreciate her parties and temper tantrums after 2am.
She said it wasnt her.
"I dont have a boyfriend!"
"Then your baby daddy. I dont care what you call him but I can reenact your entire fight."
She looked at me like "umm"
I said, "Look, if you wake me up again. Im calling the cops. Its that simple. We are done."
And shut the door.

All I heard after that was a "UH! WOW!" and furious texting.

Yep, I was in the wrong and was totally immature for a minute but the message has been delivered!

DO NOT FUCK WITH A MOTHER ON VERY LITTLE SLEEP!!

Cause we will get you...not right away but oh fuck... we will get you..

*Im not allowing comments on this post because I dont even want to fucking hear it, Im so sick of everyone's bullshit online and off that Im bursting and is probably whats prompting my momentary psycho thing.*

Well, thats what I get for caring.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 19 May 2015 11:52:00 +0000

Its 6am. Im never up this early but Ive been thrown off because of yesterday. I went through hell.

Two weeks ago I got a call from a woman I dont know saying Maor was in jail and asked if I would help. I told her good fucking luck because I do not think that I should be getting a call from a third party asking for my help. My stand was if he wanted help he should call me himself. I did call his parents and thanked her for helping him.

I called in a favor and asked why he was in jail. They said he got into an accident but had to arrest him for a past drunk and disorderly. That is not like him at all... he doesnt drink and while hes loud and says some pretty stupid shit... I dont think he would be arrested for disorderly ever. BUT he has been acting weird for the past year so I accepted it as maybe this kiosk cult hes gotten into has changed him that much.

Now fast forward to yesterday... I still havent heard from him.
I called his parents, because I actually talk to Maors parents WAY more than he does now. Its weird and probably the biggest red flag as to how much hes changed in a year.
They havent talked to him since they got the call from the strange woman saying he was in jail either but a different 3rd party assured them he was out and ok.
So I called the different 3rd party to try and get a message out for Maor to call SOMEONE. They told me they hadent talked to Maor in months and never told Maors parents he was ok.

So because something was fishy I called in another favor and found out that the person charged with drunk and disorderly was not actually Maor. It was someone who was just had his wallet.

Thats when I lost it. I actually thought Maor was dead.
He hadent called for Lea in weeks, his family didnt hear from him, strange calls, ect...
I was pretty sure he was dead in a ditch somewhere and the guilt from not trying to find him sooner just consumed me.

I blew up the strange womans phone. She refused to tell me anything and kept hanging up on me. At one point she said "Do you want me to call the police?"
I said "YES!"

Fast forward a few thousand phone calls later. Maor did finally pick up and all he said was "I dont want to talk to you" and hung up.

Great, hes alive.

Hes just a jerk but an alive jerk.

So I passed out from some sort of adrenaline/crying fit of exhaustion.

Annnnddd woke up at 4am unable to fall asleep thinking about how stupid I am for wasting time on him.

My first party

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 04 May 2015 03:58:00 +0000

Today I threw my first party. Well, it was more like a get together. All my best friends showed up...and one guy that it turns out I dont know how I know.

I have had someone as a facebook friend for 4 years that I cant remember how they got there.
When I moved back to Madison he sent me a message saying we should hang out again sometime. I looked at his profile and he looks a lot like a guy I went to college with so I assumed thats how I knew him and invited him to the party. The name was not a tip off because there were 3 guys with that same first name in most of my classes.

When he walked in and wasnt all "HEY MAN!" to my other college friend who would have had all the same classes with us if he was who I thought he was I realized I have NO IDEA how I knew this guy. I didnt want to say anything so I just introduced him and acted like nothing was weird.

Luckily, he was very nice. He brought a nice whiskey (which I totally forgot about when we all got talking and feel like an ass for not opening), ice cream for the teenagers, and ice. He also fit right in with the group that was there.

When everyone started leaving my 2 girlfriends and I were talking about seeing a movie and he left. After a minute I said, "OK! I have no idea who that guy was!" and explained the whole thing. They think hes cool so they are just going to invite him to a game night.
Whats really funny is everyone said he looked kinda familiar but just assumed he was from a different group of my friends. Maybe he just has one of those faces.

Anyway, made a new friend (or am refinding an old friend...I have no idea) and I got a lot of nice gifts which I was NOT expecting. I should have said no gifts but I didnt even think about it.

I think it was a success. Maybe I'll have more parties.

Life after CW

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 02 Apr 2015 18:58:00 +0000

I could probably write a novel about the past 2 weeks.
Everything has changed. EVERYTHING.

I thought I was going to be cool writing this but Im just going to puke words onto a screen because while I would like to say Im calm and collected Im FREAKING out inside.

I think if I was 18...or even 25 I would be able to handle things better. Being 30 with a 2 year old to take care of this is too much change. Too damn much.

CW is gone. I keep accidentally checking the site because I just want to chit chat or post a picture and it depresses me every time I see that note saying its gone.
I have been thinking about finding a new place to cam again. I could use the extra money and Im actually going a little crazy not being able to flash my boobs (Im weird, I know) but I havent yet. I already know I will NEVER find a CW again and I think the community is what I really want back before the money and the need to flash people.

I moved. I am happier already. The apartment is the perfect size for us, everything is new, the neighbors may or may not exist...I dont know, they are too quiet... and while Im a half hour from a grocery store with reasonable prices we are surrounded by parks so with the weather being so nice we wake up and head straight outside to play.
My mother actually came over for dinner and a movie. Shes NEVER done that before, possibly because I had a cat and shes really allergic.
I had friends come over when I first moved in and they were beyond helpful!! I need to throw a housewarming/Thank you party. Last week I was still putting the house together and this week I have to go back to MN to clean out the last of the crap I couldnt get out 2 weeks ago.

Leas turning 3 next week!
Im sure everyone just rolled their eyes but when I run out of things to stress out about that is what keeps me awake. Shes turning 3. She will be in school in a couple years. The fact that she even dresses herself right now makes me want to burst into tears.
I could still be a little stressed out...

RIP

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 09 Mar 2015 22:24:00 +0000

As Im sure everyone knows Camwhores is shutting down on March 17th.
We are all VERY sad about this.
To me its very much salt and lemon juice in already gaping wounds.
I love CW. I love the people. Its my home. Its the only cam site I have ever been consistent on because its the only one I really liked.

I had my last show the Thursday before last. A fan of CW who became a good friend of mine actually sponsored the mini vacation spot for Lea and I to have fun (they have a kids water park that Lea LOVED so much) and for me to put on my last show.
He had sent me a text message that night saying he wouldnt be able to watch the show but couldnt wait to see it later.
The next morning while I was checking out he texted me asking if we had fun. I told him we had a blast (because we did!). He said, "Good, that was the point".
He died sometime that day after sending me that message.

Later my aunt had another health scare.

I did manage to make it down to WI last week and find a new place to live. Its not a house like I wanted but its a brand new complex (I'll be the first one to live there which makes me crazy nervous about putting up pictures and artwork) and its spitting distance from a park. Its also in my budget which has gotten considerably smaller after I was smacked with the realization that Maor has no interest in helping with anything Lea related.
I had wished it wouldnt be like this. We were trying to work things out. Then one night I let him take Lea to a Shabbat dinner. He came back without her favorite blanket. I told him to go back and get it and he said no, she could live without it for a day.
That was when I SNAPPED. Any idiot with a kid knows you do NOT willingly let your kid go without their favorite thing unless you want a world of pain and high pitched screaming brought down on your stupid head.
So I took an hour off work to follow him to his apartment and get it myself and come back.
His selfishness was out of control.
It hasnt gotten better.
He had the balls to show up here a couple weeks ago with new contacts, a new watch, tie, shirt, pants, shoes. I wanted to slap the shit out of him because he hasnt offered a dime towards anything Lea related EVER. Instead I asked him about all the new things then asked if he could cover half of Leas diapers and health insurance every month to help me out. He said ok.

He hasnt called for her since. I call him and put her on speaker phone without saying a thing at least once a week when she asks about him. Apparently thats enough for him. I actually talk to his parents more than him now. They keep asking me if hes on drugs. I really dont think he is. I think hes just self absorbed, lazy, and ignoring me because hes spent all his money on stuff for himself.

At least I found a place. Its by my parents and near friends. If I cant get support from Leas dad then I will be around people who are there for me.
Now I just need to spend the next 2 weeks packing and purging. Maor left most of his things behind which Im going to give him fair warning to pick up or I will sell/toss them.

The rest of the month is going to be hard emotionally and physically but Im really hoping when spring comes we will be settled and happy starting a new life. I hope I will be jumping out of bed instead of crawling out. I know thats what my friend would have wanted. I know thats what a lot of people want for me and I appreciate it so much.

We'll never be royals

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 09 Dec 2014 07:59:00 +0000

Where do I begin? The last month has been a bitch.

Maor left. Did I mention that? I dont actually remember. Days run together.

I cant get Lea and I adjusted because Im being chased around by my Grandma and Aunt on a regular basis. You would think it would be helpful having other people around the house when your working and trying to raise a child but it is exactly the opposite. Everything I do is under a microscope.
I made boxed mac & cheese for me and Lea last night, we didnt eat it all so I threw what we didnt eat out. This morning I got a lecture on throwing food away. It was on sale... it was my $0.50 to waste...fuck off.
If I use a sandwich bag to store raw chicken and toss it out the bag will be sitting on the counter the next day, along with everything else I threw in the trash. I will get a lecture on how wasteful I am.
While I admit I have been lethargic and reclusive in the last month (mostly due to whats been going on and the house Ive been living in) their incessant need to govern my life is also getting to Lea.

We need a new routine. My aunt insists on dragging her out to different places constantly. She says my pulling her from daycare upsets her so she drags her around from place to place while Im working and says "see she needs friends, shes getting worse!" when Lea is tired and cranky.
I snapped about a week ago and told her that Lea's being cranky was that her routine is FUCKED! No dad, her not sticking to the schedule I had, being dragged to the Y all the time. We may not talk about what is going on in front of her but she knows. Shit is not right and its messing with her little world.

Thanksgiving my aunt didnt go to my mothers house with me because she didnt want my mom telling HER how to deal with my divorce.

My aunt makes stupid jokes about how my next divorce will be better.

Gramzy would be great if she didnt feel the need to tell you how to do everything.

I decided to kill Sumomo this morning. Shes been marking in corners of the house for months and throwing up all over. Yesterday I found she peed on Leas stuffed animal and chair so I washed both and she had peed on them again within hours.

Judge me if you want...Im fucking use to it now with my family.
Its a cat vs child situation at this point. I will always pick my daughter.

Gramzy kept an eye on Lea while I took Sumomo to the vet.
I think Sumomo knew she was going to die or she was much sicker than I thought. Last time I took her to a vet they wouldnt see her because she was aggressive towards them. I warned this vet that would happen and instead of a fight to the death she laid down and died. She made more of a fuss when I sneezed then when they stuck the needle in her.

I hate myself. I killed my cat, I cant keep a husband, I cant throw out coffee grounds without someone having something to say about it .

If Im not at rock bottom than I dont ever EVER want to get closer. Its too hard to get out of bed as it is.

Fuck you

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 06 Nov 2014 18:04:00 +0000

The final nail is in the coffin. I wont go throwing my dirty laundry all over the internet but I will say Im a strong bullheaded woman who heard something no one should hear in a relationship.

"Your not worth it."

For 2 days I held it together. I started filing for divorce. I held my head up and pushed on. On the 3rd day I crumbled and cried all day long. I should have called in sick to work. Especially after I had to explain to half my family why Maor wasnt home. I didnt. Im not even going to pretend that I really worked. I'll make up the hours Sunday. I feel bad for the people I work with, they probably think Im a scatter brained idiot. I wasnt focused. I havent been focused. I was so worried about saving a marriage that cant be saved because I REALLY dont like being a 30 year old single mother.

Now I see where I need to be. I need to pull on my big girl pants, focus on Lea and work and maybe get the hell out of dodge. I hate MN. 4 years I havent made any friends. People here are only nice to your face.

I am worth it. Lea is worth it.

Fuck you.

Ramblings..

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 21 Oct 2014 15:17:00 +0000

No one should blog during lady rain season but fuck it, Ive exhausted imgur, Im out of shows to watch on Hulu, and Im running dangerously low on cupcakes!

This is one of the love/hates about my new job. I love that Im feeling like a shitty crampy mess and can avoid going anywhere. But I have no reason to get out of this funk. Sure, I have to pick Lea up from daycare in a couple hours but that only requires throwing on a sweatshirt, and seeing as I show up right before nap time everything is quiet and no one gets too chatty. Perfect.
When I have a crappy shift... like last night where I kept making stupid mistake after mistake and was so off I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die (Im being dramatic... but Im in pain and on my last cupcake at this point so the whole world is fucking ending) I couldnt do the whole "I wanna go home!" Cause I am home. Here I am. Unable to escape my stupid.

In all seriousness though I do love the job. I think its interesting, I love the people I work with, Im really in love with my hours. When they first asked me if I could do a night shift I wasnt sure because I was so stuck on the 9-5 but really its perfect. I spend my days (that Im not hiding under the covers in pain) getting shit done and playing with Lea. I got all the Halloween costumes done (5 dresses), the house is always clean, and food is always ready to be on the table. I rock.

I cut Lea down to 3 half days at daycare now. Im weighing the pros and cons of pulling her out of daycare all together. My aunt and Grandma will be here next weekend until the end of Dec so I have zero worries about needing a baby sitter but I want her to have social interaction outside of my crazy family.
Actually now that Im sitting back and really thinking about it all I really want her in daycare for is social interaction. Im very structured at home, I dont need to worry about her being behind for preschool because Im a nut for learning activities and so are my aunt and Grandma. I have also noticed that when I meet moms at the playground on the weekdays they are MUCH more open to talking then Moms I meet on weekends. Im sure I could find a winter tumbling class or play group that would be so much cheaper.
Taking her out all together would be like gaining another paycheck. Cutting her down to 3 times a week saves us $400 a month. Taking her out entirely would be another $650 savings per month. Thats huge!
If I change my mind I could just put her back in. She hates waking up early anyway.
It will also save me from the awkward Christmas party moment. Awesome!

Finding myself

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 08 Oct 2014 06:33:00 +0000

I have been gone a long time without saying anything. I have stretched myself out.

Im getting use to a new job where my schedule bounces around a bit. I also decided to make 2 more Halloween costumes for my little sister.

So for the past month if I havent been working or with my daughter, I have been sewing.

I also havent wanted to blog because I dont like to think. I dont want to put out into the world my hopes, my fears, my wishes. I have someone else to think about. I need to find stability for her.

I need to find my own happiness. I think I have it now. If I dont then its so close.

I wont lie. Im sad. Sadder than I have ever been.

Im trying not to be.

Things are changing. Good and bad changes. Im just focusing all my energy on what matters most.