Creating My Monster

The Last Post...

2017-06-27T11:01:00.000-04:00

Yes, you read the title of this post correctly... this is it.

After a decade blogging about PCOS, TTC, pregnancy, unexpected postpartum complications and 19 months of motherhood it is time to move and close this book.

Initially I had simply planned to enjoy the summer offline; disconnect to reconnect, limit screen time, get back outside and such. But, while those are still my intentions, I also came to the decision that it was time to put this space to rest; close the book on these chapters of our lives and move on to the next.

Quite honestly, this place has lost its focus anyhow. I haven't had the time to write like I used to and I haven't had the energy to write like want to; kind of an issue if you're a blogger.

So, I plan to be back sometime in fall with a new project, but for now I am just going to take a much needed and well deserved break from writing and just be who I have always wanted to be... MOM.

Thank you to everyone who stuck by me and for following my journey... our journey.

Have a great summer! I am off to spoil myself with a pretty pink pedicure!

Think before you ink!

2017-06-08T14:55:00.003-04:00

Let me tell you, having a tattoo removed is way more work than getting some new ink! The first question anybody has asked has been about the pain. Is it painful? Yes. More than getting a tattoo? Yes. What does it feel like? Hrm… and elastic band smacking you repeatedly in quick succession a couple of hundred times while burning through your skin sounds about right.

Is it really worth it? YES!

Lots of people wait years before committing to a tattoo and then say they should have done it sooner. No, you shouldn't have! Waiting was probably the best decision you could have made, even if it was unintentional.

None of my ink is distasteful, but it was all done with very little thought, effort or meaning. Some, as previously mentioned, out of spite/angst. Not the right reason to permanently mark up your skin! Spontaneity is not always your friend. Don’t follow a trend (Kanji? Barbed wire armband?), don’t get a guy’s name, don’t get something that had about a minute of thought put into it!

Right now I can honestly say I WANT about 6 tattoos, but I am only definitely getting 1 of them (the cover-up that I am working towards) and likely 1 of 2 others. The rest are just things I WANT but will likely never GET.

And since I will never remove a tattoo again after this one, I've even gone an extra step... stick on! Yup, that's right. I am going to have a test round with a temporary tattoo to see if I can stand the sight for however long it chooses to remain on me. That’s the fun thing about technology, I can now print what I have planned and see it on me for a while before making it permanent.

So, now that my first round of laser has healed I need to look into the next. I could do it now, but then I can’t swim or expose my back to the sun much… which would be hard in summer. So, I might wait until September for the next round of pain! But that doesn’t stop me from getting new ink in the meantime once I narrow it down!

And, I am still working on DH to get something too! He said he would get something I showed him… but I THINK he was joking…

Mother’s Day – Turning Over A New Leaf

2017-05-14T07:00:00.000-04:00

"I remember everything that you forgot."

Historically speaking, Mother’s Day has always been difficult for me; an internal struggle of sorts.
As I wrote last year, the first time as a Mom myself, this Hallmark holiday has always served as an unwelcome reminder to me of the numerous strained mother-daughter relationships I have, leaving me with little desire to celebrate.

Well, even though I am spending Mother’s Day weekend as a work widow again (does anyone else see the irony?), I am turning over a new leaf!

Instead of dwelling on the maternal negativity surrounding me, personally, I want to applaud all of the Mother’s in my circle who have truly been amazing role models to me; helping me get to where I am today and showing me who I want to be for my daughter in the future. There is an old saying that it takes a village to raise a child, but I firmly believe that it also takes a village to raise a (new) mother!

Mamas need a tremendous amount of support; from early pregnancy to childbirth and far beyond. It took me a while to come to this realization, but once I figured it out I embraced the women around me with open arms. Ok, so I bear hugged some and wouldn’t let them go for dear life, but you get the idea!

There is something to be said about the advice gained from your peers. Think about it for a minute… how many years ago were you born? How much has changed in those 30 +/- years? Who am I kidding, I’m almost 40! While well intended, I’m sure, much of the advice I have received from my “elders” has been outdated, obsolete, proven untrue, or flat out dangerous. Smile and nod, smile and nod… thanks, but no thanks!

Having a mom-tribe to turn to whenever I need advice, support, a helping hand or a night out has been an absolute blessing. No offense grandma’s, but I trust my fellow mamas with my child more than any and all of you combined! And, when it came time to choose between fight and flight, I fought – hard, with an army of mamas who had my back the whole way!

As for "Mommy's Little (pill) Helper that I started exactly one year ago? Well, despite wanting to be off of it by now, I will be staying on them indefinitely. Plain and simply, they help and I am a better mom because of them so there is nothing to be ashamed of. So be it. End of story.

So, the happiest of Mother’s Days to all of you amazing mom-tribe Mamas! I honestly couldn’t have done it without all of you in my corner.

The End Of A Butterfly

2017-05-08T10:19:00.000-04:00

I remember sitting down for my first ever tattoo, about 15 years ago. It was a small vine with a few flowers on it; nothing unique and something I have since covered up. While sitting there, another tattoo artist came in and said “let me guess, a butterfly!” while he rolled his eyes. I responded “Nope, not a butterfly… but when I decide to do one I will bring it your way!”, and I did.

Unfortunately, I have hated it since the minute I got it! Part of me blames the artist, but I know it wasn’t entirely his fault. But now, it is time for it to go!

The dark, gothic, butterfly was chosen during a pretty rough time in my life. Not only was it a rough time, but my ex was blowing up my phone about something or other the whole time I sat through it! And, as if that wasn't annoying enough, when I wasn’t answering my phone he started calling the shop as well! Up and down from the chair, tension between my shoulders, and a generally shit day led to a very deep, dark, and heavy tattoo… which I guess suited me, at the time.

Flash forward, IVF now over, along with a very different outlook on the world and I just can’t stand to look at it anymore. I have a few new designs in mind, but before proceeding with any of them I need to lighten this one up so we can go over it properly.

Today, I start the unpleasant process of laser tattoo removal. I have heard that it hurts far more than getting the actual tattoo itself. Yay! Appointments will be 4-6 weeks apart with very little being done over summer, so this will be a yearlong (and expensive) project I think. Which isn’t a bad thing, because I have so many design ideas that I need time to narrow them down!

So, for now, so long butterfly! You will not be missed!

Letting Relationships Go

2017-04-20T11:19:00.002-04:00

"Sometimes, people change and forget to tell each other."
Lillian Hellman

I started to write the other day and it just wasn't coming out the way that I wanted to. I turned to Google for some "keyword" help, inspiration, and ended up stumbling on this article.

I am re-posting excerpts from it because it sums up what I was fumbling with quite perfectly. To read the full article, please go here.

I've Learned Not All Friendships Are Forever by: Jenn Bairos

… I can't pinpoint exactly the moment things went awry. There wasn't a big blowout or fight that ended it all. It just became clear that our values and interests weren't the same anymore. A tension was growing. I kept hoping that this shift in our fault lines would somehow blow over and things would go back to the way they were. This was a friend I had loved dearly for years. But things were not okay, and it was time to stop pretending that they were…

There have been 2 or 3 times in my adult life I feel I've had to consciously end a friendship. It seems so juvenile to talk about doing this as an adult, yet it must be a sign of growth. That you're learning more about who you are and who you need in your life…

It's not easy to end a friendship. Messages are misunderstood; feelings inevitability get hurt. But I can say that afterwards, you will feel lighter and happier. I thought there was going to be this huge hole in my life, but I was wrong. Making this decision created room in my life. For my family. For old friends. For new friends. For me.

I'm sad for the way things turned out, and I try to look back and remember the good parts of our friendship instead of focusing on the end. But it's time to move on. Channel our inner Elsa and let it go.

Is It April Already?

2017-04-04T11:38:00.000-04:00

As quickly as my tan fades, so do the feelings of relaxation, calm, and carefree living.

It was only a week long vacation, but the weight lifted during that time (with the exception of the first day) was something I could never accomplish here at home!

Initially we were going to go to a different resort, a little more kid friendly, but I decided that going “home” would be a much better idea for me in terms of nerves and anxiety. I am not good with anything new these days, and from the moment I booked our spot I felt relieved.

My nervous anxiety became excited anticipation… all the way until we checked into our flight.

While DH used the self-check-in machines at the airport, my heart began racing and total fear came over me. What-if, how, why, what about… and the tears started rolling down my cheeks. All set to go, he looked at me and he knew… just take a minute, breathe, he tells me. But we still have 45 minutes left on our cancellation insurance, we don’t have to go!

No, we have to go. I need to go. We need to go. Suck it up!

We made our way to baggage, through security, and into the lounge area. I spent most of the time on the phone with my BFF just trying to feel normal again while DH chased the LO around the airport. She was having a blast! Why wasn’t I? Finally it came close to boarding time and something came over me… I felt, ok? Not more than that, but not less. I took the LO to the window and watched a couple of planes fly in and then we queued up for our flight…

Our extremely uneventful flight! Thank you!!!

As soon as we landed I could smell the Caribbean air. The humidity started frizzing my hair, the sweat from being overdressed with a baby strapped to my chest felt surprisingly good, and I could hear music playing in the distance that almost made me want to dance. We were home! Hola everybody!

The 45 minute ride to the resort went well, our upgraded room was spectacular, our view was amazing, and the pools, the food, the VIP beach, the people… everything was perfect. Very quickly, I felt like me again. I always said that I am a very different person on vacation, and apparently that hasn’t changed.

Usually we start our day with itinerary in hands… this time, not a plan in hand! The LO pretty much steered the whole trip, and that was more than fine by me! From early morning to dinner time, my mind stopped racing. At night I slept, restfully with no sleep aids. You would think it was the rum, but I wasn’t even drinking!

I was just… me, again. And, I miss me.

We have been back for close to 3 weeks now. The first week wasn’t horrible, but it ended with another trip to the ER and yet another ear infection for the LO along with an expected referral to see the ENT again. A little nervous that she will likely be recommended for surgery and ear tubes, but I will deal with that when the time comes.

For the last 10 days I have been a work widow again, and that is when I find my mental state worsening day by day. DH comes home tomorrow, so that should be the last of it, but I am very “weak” right now. I’ve been worse, though. Bright side? I wanted to come off my medication this May when I follow-up with my psychiatrist, but I don't think that I will be ready.

We are looking into camping again this summer, or a trip to Niagara Falls or New York City… but if the price is right, we just might have to go “home” again.

Can You Say "Mama"?

2017-03-02T10:53:00.000-05:00

A couple of weeks ago, the LO finally said Mama while we were out shopping and a huge smile spread across my face! She CAN do it, I thought joyfully. She can finally pronounce the M sound!

But, soon after, she returned to the usual Dada and "Baba".

We have been working on it little by little, and today she did the funniest thing. While eating breakfast this morning I leaned in, looked right at her and said "Maaaaa maaaaa". She leaned right back into me, grinned, and said "Baaaaa baaaaa". I kid you not!

Now, don't get me wrong... I love "Baba" and think it's sweet, but I am still hoping for Mama to become the norm one of these days.

One day!

Like A (Broken) Record

2017-02-27T11:57:00.000-05:00

“Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.
Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.
What do we do? We swim, swim.”
Dory – Finding Nemo

It's really strange the way the world works. A year ago, the thought of spending a few hours alone with the LO gave me tremendous and sometimes debilitating anxiety, and today... right now... all I want to do is drop all of my responsibilities and hang out with her; climb into bed and snuggle under the covers for a long nap!

Mainly because everything ELSE is giving me tremendous anxiety…

I seem to be at a peak of generalized anxiety. Add to this the fact that DH just left on another business trip, AF is worse than ever (like I feel I should be going to the ER and not my GP but I can’t because DH is away), the LO has a dry cough that is worrying me because she was just on antibiotics and we are leaving on vacation in just over a week, and… we are leaving for vacation in just over a week!

Add all of this to the usual work issues compounded by some additional extra demanding work issues and I just want to wave the white flag!

I was supposed to see my psychiatrist this week about reducing my dose of antidepressants. Hah! That’s not happening. I have postponed the appointment by a couple of months because I am far from ready!

A week away, at my home away from home, should do wonders for my psyche… but we have to get there first.

Rory The Cat

2017-02-23T13:43:00.000-05:00

Being back at work full time, and extremely busy, has left me with little to no time to bla bla bla on the blog these days it seems. I am promising myself that I will not let this place run down or become a monthly update spot but, like most thing, it will take time to figure out. In the meantime, this will be another general update post.

First a quick update on health related issues.

Our holiday time family cold finally disappeared once and for all in early February! A month straight of people being sick in the house was not fun! But, if that was the worst of the season, it is over with now. Fingers and toes crossed!

Carpal tunnel has finally been confirmed once and for all. I went for my Electromyography (EMG) at the beginning of February and the right hand is sever, left hand is starting. The doctor said it was not “caused” by pregnancy, since it started years before, but the rapid deterioration was likely what sped up the process. I have a referral for surgery and have an appointment next month with one surgeon while I wait to hear back from another. I decided to go through the public medical system rather than private, although private is more appealing in some ways. I spoke to my insurance and told them that I found a private facility that could get me back to work within a week if all went well, but they won’t cover the 5k price tag. Other doctors have a 4-6 week recovery and are free, and my insurance covers my time off work. So, longer time off, but no money out of pocket. I am still wavering but 5K is a lot of money! I can think of much more interesting plastic surgery to do for that amount!

Sleep apnea continues to be a problem. Some weeks are better than others, but this week has been particularly bad. I met with the specialist and I am not a candidate for surgery it seems. He said the only solution would be to buy the CPAP machine. I am currently in the “I don’t want it”, “I won’t use it”, “I hate it” and “you can’t make me” phase, but I think I will need to bite the bullet sooner rather than later. They do have a 3 month rent –to-purchase option, so I am considering that… considering!

As for AF, I met with the new gynecologist and he basically said what my GP already told me; deal with it, hormones or hormones. I am trying one type now for a couple of months and then I will try another to see which I prefer.

And now, Rory. We adopted Rory back in 2004. I had another cat, Byanka, who was home alone all day and I wanted to get her a friend. Rory ended up being a pretty feral cat and didn’t like me or DH much, but loved Byanka. Jump forward a year and Byanka got really sick and I had to put her down. Rory got worse and worse by the day so I ended up adopting another cat, Olivia, as a companion for her. Olivia has had her share of health (mainly dental) issues, but she is a happy and healthy kitty. Rory has never had any health issues, but is a bit of a head case to put it lightly. With a TON of work over the year, DH had actually managed to get her to come out of her shell, like people, come to be pet, play, and cuddle. She because less dependent on Olivia and sort of did a reverse ageing thing on us. And then last summer she got pretty sick… she was vomiting everywhere and lost about ¾ of her body weight rapidly. She was diagnosed with pancreatitis and responded well to the medication and new foods at first. However, as time went on she stopped eating again, started vomiting a lot, and just started to lose the weight she had finally put back on. Just before Valentine ’s Day I made the decision to put her to sleep. It wasn’t easy… I had flip flopped many times before… but it was what was best for her quality of life. Honestly, she barely made it through the sedation before the euthanasia. It was time. Olivia isn’t taking it too well. She feels neglected all night because of the LO and much needed downtime by DH and I, and she is alone all day. I have considered re-homing her but I don’t think I could seriously do that. I don’t know… maybe.

On a more positive note, we are leaving for vacation in 2 weeks!!! Let the countdown begin!

Explaining Anxiety

2017-02-01T13:33:00.000-05:00

Anxiety has been a hot topic lately... with friends, co-workers, my doctor, our travel agent, daycare and of course with DH too. It comes and goes, has peaks and valleys, but it is never truly 100% gone; as much as I try to hide it.

It is better than it was a year ago, but will it ever be something in my past? Well, now that I have come to terms with the fact that I have always had anxiety to some degree, I can't really say...

The most frequent comments I get are why do you have anxiety? What is it like? And, my personal favorite, you don't LOOK any different.

I can't answer these questions, but I did find an article online that was a pretty good summary so I wanted to share it.

What It's Like to Have 'High-Functioning' Anxiety
By Sarah Schuster, re-posted from The Mighty

High-functioning anxiety looks like…

Achievement. Busyness. Perfectionism.

When it sneaks out, it transforms into nervous habits. Nail biting. Foot tapping. Running my fingers through my hair.

If you look close enough, you can see it in unanswered text messages. Flakiness. Nervous laughter. The panic that flashes through my eyes when a plan changes. When anything changes.

High-functioning anxiety feels like…

A snake slithering up my back, clamping its jaws shut where my shoulders meet my neck. Punch-in-the-gut stomach aches, like my body is confusing answering an email with being attacked by a lion.

High-functioning anxiety sounds like…

You’re not good enough. You’re a bad friend. You’re not good at your job. You’re wasting time. You’re a waste of time. Your boyfriend doesn’t love you. You’re so needy. What are you doing with yourself? Why would you say that? What if they hate it? Why can’t you have your shit together? You’re going to get anxious and because you’re going to get anxious, you’re going to mess everything up. You’re a fraud. Just good at faking it. You’re letting everybody down. No one here likes you.

All the while, it appears perfectly calm.

It’s always looking for the next outlet, something to channel the never-ending energy. Writing. Running. List-making. Mindless tasks (whatever keeps you busy). Doing jumping jacks in the kitchen. Dancing in the living room, pretending it’s for fun, when really it’s a choreographed routine of desperation, trying to tire out the thoughts stuck in your head.

It’s silent anxiety attacks, hidden by smiles.

It’s always being busy but also always avoiding, so important things don’t get done. It’s letting things pile up rather than admitting you’re overwhelmed or in need of help.

It’s that sharp pang of saying the wrong thing, the one that starts the cycles of thoughts. Because you said too much, and nobody cares, and it makes you never want to speak up again.

It’s going back and forth between everyone else has it together but you, and so many people have it tougher than you.

Get your act together.

Suck it up.

You’re not OK, you’re messing everything up.

You’re totally OK, stop being such a baby.

It’s waking up in the middle of the night sobbing because the worst-case-scenario that just went through your head at high speed seems so real, so vivid, that even when it’s proven to be untrue, it takes hours for your heart to slow down, to feel calm again.

Because how “OK” are you when a day without a plan is enough to make you crumble? When empty spaces make you spiral at the very anticipation of being alone with your thoughts? When you need to make a list to get through a Sunday: watch a show, clean your kitchen, exercise, answer five emails, read 10 pages, watch a show… ?

It’s feeling unqualified to write this piece because I’m getting by. It’s when you’re social enough to get invited to things, but so often find yourself standing in a room where it feels like no one knows you. It’s being good at conversation and bad at making close friends because you only show up when you feel “well” enough. Only text back when you feel ready. Because you’re afraid they’d hate you if they really knew you. That the energy would overwhelm them, and you’d lose them.

So you learn to rein it in. Channel it. Even though sometimes you do everything right (exercise, sleep, one TV show, five emails, 10 pages…) and you’re still left with racing thoughts, the panic. The not good enoughs.

When will it be enough?

Having anxiety means constantly managing motion that can be productive or self-destructive, depending on how much sleep you got. Depending on the day. Depending on the Earth’s alignment with Mars. Depending on…

It’s when “living with it” means learning how to sit with it. Practicing staying in bed a little longer. Challenging the mean, unrelenting voices that say you’re only worth what you produced that day.

It means learning how to say, “I need help.” Trying to take care of yourself without the guilt. It means every once in a while, confiding in a friend. It means sometimes showing up even when you’re scared.

It’s when answering a text impulsively and thoughtlessly is an act of bravery.

It’s fighting against your own need to constantly prove your right to exist in this world.

It’s learning how to validate your own feelings. That even though you don’t feel like you’re enough, and you’ll never be enough, it’s knowing you’re at least anxious enough to benefit from help. That admitting you need it doesn’t confirm voices’ lies. That taking a break doesn’t mean you’re a failure.

It’s finding your own humanity in the anxiety, in your weaknesses. It’s trying to let the energy inspire you, instead of bring you down. It’s forgiving yourself when it wins.

It’s a way to live, with this constant companion. Your bullying twin. Collapsible luggage you can bury away at a moment’s notice. Shove it under the bed. Pretend it’s not there until you can’t fit anymore. Until you can no longer ignore it. Until you have to face it.

A first good step is staring at it straight on and calling it by its name.

High anxiety can be a natural consequence of a busy lifestyle, but its existence is akin to the chicken and the egg. Which came first, the anxiety or the busyness? Am I always moving because I’m anxious or am I anxious because I’m always moving?

Either way, it’s not a noble way to suffer. It’s not a “better” way to be anxious. Just because you’re “functioning” doesn’t always mean you’re happy. And just because you’re functioning doesn’t mean you shouldn’t slow down, breathe and take one damn second to be happy the way things are.

In this very moment.

This quiet, short moment.

To remember the peace you found in that second of silence, until the electricity starts again, and you’re forced to move.

Happy (Belated) New Year!

2017-01-23T11:54:00.000-05:00

It has been more than a month that I haven’t posted anything! They say that time flies when you’re having fun, but guess what? It flies when you’re not too!

Let’s just say 2017 has not been a great year for health so far…

Mid-December I was hit with a nasty cough which led to an asthma attack, the first in years. I was prescribed a different pump to use daily and not much else. Fast forward a week and I was worse than ever. Back to the clinic, only to be told there was nothing more they could do. About the same time, DH came down with a very similar cough and progressively got worse as well, followed by the LO. I finally convinced him to go to the clinic and after an x-ray (and a 4hr wait WITH an appointment) he was prescribed 2 asthma pumps himself as well as antibiotics! The next day I went back to the clinic with the LO and was also given an x-ray and we were both given antibiotics. Fun way to start the New Year! Happily, I am 95% better and the LO is fine. DH on the other hand is starting to sound worse again and, just like a man, is refusing to go back to the clinic.

In addition to the cough, I am continuously dealing with a possible carpal tunnel situation. The pain and numbness comes and goes, but just before returning to work it was at its peak. I went to see an osteopath twice weekly at the end of maternity leave, but now that I am back in the office that just isn’t possible. If I wear my brace to sleep, take an anti-inflammatory, be careful not to bend my wrist a certain way and such then it isn’t so bad… but one slip up and the tingling starts back up again. I was given a referral to a Neurologist for an Electromyography (EMG), but was told the wait could be months. Thankfully, I managed to find a semi-private clinic and will be going for this test soon. At least then I will have a diagnosis, but there is not much else to do for the problem other than… surgery.

One thing at a time…

And then there is the sleep apnea. I finally was decongested enough for the first time since May to try the Continuous Positive Airway Pressure (CPAP) treatment they advised. Oh, hell, no! This thing was AWFUL! I would rather snore, gasp for air and wake up 20 times a night than sleep with a tube attached to my nose forcing air into my throat! You cannot breathe through your mouth without choking, my mouth was desert dry, every time I turned over I would get caught up in the wires, and sleep? What sleep? I was constantly waking up! The lab told me they needed 6hrs for their study to be complete, so at 5hs 59mins of that torture I turned it off and slept soundly for a couple of hours more. They would like me to see there Pneumologist to explore other options. Yet another appointment. Oh, and did I mention that it cost me 800$ for the diagnosis and 300$ for one night with the torture device?

And, last but not least, the devil that is AF. For over a decade I was blessed to never, or rarely anyway, see AF unless using hormonal therapy in one form of another while TTC. It was fantastic! But now, I can’t even begin to tell you how angry I am. AF came back, with a vengeance, about 5 months ago. It is like she is making up for lost time; out of the blue and completely out of control, ranging between 3-4 weeks each time with only a 2 week reprieve in between! That, along with other symptoms, has brought about a new referral to Gynecology to try and figure out what is going on. Ugh! I was so looking forward to NOT having some unfamiliar person poke around down there for a while!

So, yup, that just about sums it up.

Oh, and did I mention I am finally back at work full-time? That I was hit with full blown gastro for 48hrs+ by the end of the first week? That we are expecting a huge snowstorm tomorrow? And that DH is travelling again next week so I am once again playing work-widow-and-single-mom?

On the more positive front… we are going “home” soon! More on this later!

Wishing you all health, love, wealth, happiness, and everything your hearts desire!

Merry Christmas

2016-12-25T06:46:00.003-05:00

Good morning everyone!

May the holiday season sparkle and shine, and may all of your wishes and dreams come true!
During the rush of the holidays, don't forget to take time to enjoy the little things that really matter!

Here is a glimpse of what our Christmas morning has in store. Although it is the LO's second Christmas, it kind of feels like her first. She won't remember it... but we will.

Abortion Rights?

2016-12-21T10:23:00.000-05:00

"Pro-life is like saying 'I know what's best for you',
pro-choice says 'you know what's best for you'..."

I think that, after having a child of my own, my views on Canada’s abortion laws have changed… drastically.

Back in 1988, the Supreme Court of Canada ruled that a woman had the right to terminate her pregnancy at any stage; for good reasons, bad reasons, or any reason at all. I knew this before, but I guess I really never thought about it in depth. After all, I was only 9 years old when the law was passed!

Early on in my pregnancy I took the standard DNA tests which can identify fetal abnormalities such as Down Syndrome (trisomy 21) and other genetic conditions called trisomy 18 and trisomy 13. This was the first time in my life that I ever had to consider the implications of an abortion. If your tests come back positive, you meet with a genetics specialist to run further tests and if you are still at risk they tell you your options… one of which being to terminate your pregnancy. By the time you are given this choice, you are half way through your pregnancy. We never had to make this decision as our tests came back with very low risk, but the whole while we were waiting for the results it was all I could think about… my brain would not stop playing the “what if’s” game.

Recently, a story in the news caught my eye. A woman was denied her rights to an abortion at 30 weeks pregnant by the same hospital I delivered at. 30 weeks! Do the math. At 30 weeks, your fetus is viable; so viable, in fact, I even have trouble referring to the child as a fetus at this point! Why would someone even consider terminating at 30 weeks!?! In fact, after being denied by this hospital she was denied at another and finally found a place willing to do it at 35 weeks! Why? How? Well in this case, while it is not clear what the situation was for sure, it seems that severe abnormalities were discovered that would diminish the life of the child and such… but that doesn’t really matter…

Why?

Because what has come to light here is that ABORTIONS are LEGAL at ANY TIME for ANY REASON! Think about that for a minute…. Now, if you’re like me, wipe the tears from your eyes.

I am not judging this woman for her choice. I was not in her shoes and I do not know the details of her situation. Generally speaking, she should have had the DNA results much earlier in her pregnancy. Maybe she did and couldn’t make a decision. Maybe she didn’t because our medical system, while free, is slow. Perhaps this was just one of those things no one will ever be able to explain… and I can’t imagine what she had to go through, mentally, to prepare herself for this.

But, while I am not judging her one bit, I am now in full support of a review on abortion guidelines! Just to be clear, I am not in any way saying that abortions should be illegal. Accidents happen and for the better of everyone involved sometimes abortion is a choice you simply need to make. But, at some point, I feel that it should be reserved for serious congenital abnormalities or “exceptional circumstances” with proper guidance and evaluation by a team of experts.

And to think, I can’t even come to terms with letting go of my frozen embryos right now…

Elf On The Shelf

2016-12-20T15:36:00.001-05:00

Facebook “memories” made me laugh today!

This morning, it reminded me of an old post stating how much I disliked the whole “Elf on the Shelf” phenomenon and how I’m pretty sure the parents just bought the creepy little elves for themselves! Flash forward to last weekend and, I admit it, I’ve taken “Elf on the Shelf” to a whole other level!

We don’t have the creepy little guy; no, no, no… we have a CUSTOM elf on the shelf! And not just one, but two!!!

Danica (left) and Marshmallow Snowklake (right)

The original elf was created by Sprouting Jube Jube in collaboration with Just ME. You can read all about the original elf here. And, they have a reindeer too! I am hoping to add one of those by next Christmas!

No elf shenanigans this year, though. I am not into that part of the phenomenon... yet.

Role Models

2016-12-07T12:19:00.000-05:00

"Teach your daughters to worry less about fitting into glass slippers
and more about shattering glass ceilings."

Melissa Marchionna

Looking back, I can’t really identify any strong female role models that I had to look up to. There were numerous fictional characters, especially being a 9 year old girl oddly obsessed with Shakespeare’s heroines, but no one in my day to day world that I could relate to. It’s sad to say, but no one was really around long enough to set that kind of example for me; the majority of teachers and peers come in and out of your life with each year that passes.

Come to think of it, there weren’t any male role models either for that matter.

Yes, yes, I know what you are thinking; weren’t your parents your most important role models? Sadly, no. They weren’t all bad, my mother anyway, but they modeled more about what/who not to be than setting the standards for which to live by. Unfortunately, I didn’t get a say in the matter.

But now, as an adult, I get to choose who I surround myself with and who I look up to.

I have fellow Mommy friends who inspire and encourage me every day, professional friends who are excelling in their fields and teaching me about potential, colleagues who are strong in leadership and supportive of my thoughts and ideas for change, and so many others who I aspire to be like and look up to with admiration. And it isn’t only the adults in my life, there are some really great kids in my extended family too! I look around at some of the teenagers in my life and think wow… why couldn’t I have been more like him/her when I was that age (or even now)?

Maybe they aren’t the people you would think of as your traditional role models, such as people in positions of leadership, authority, and celebrities, but they are all setting such amazing examples of positivity and success that they make me believe that anything is possible. And, whatever they are labeled as, these are the people who I want to surround my daughter with in life – now and forever. They are the examples that I would like to show her, and hope that she grows up to be.

And, most importantly, I hope that I can be the role model to my daughter that I needed when I was younger.

Happy Birthday Little Girl

2016-11-22T07:11:00.000-05:00

“I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
as long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.”

Love You Forever by Robert Munsch

Our little girl turns the big 1 today!

She has brought color to my world. I am proud of many things, but nothing beats the privilege of being her mom.

Happy birthday! I can't wait to see what the future holds ...

First Birthday!

2016-11-21T11:22:00.000-05:00

Last night was our first snowfall of the season. Ironically, I can say without a doubt that last year the first snowfall occurred on the evening of the 21st. I remember this because I was awake half the night with a difficult labor and I could see the snow falling onto the Oratory roof across from the hospital.

As a Game of Thrones fan, we joked that "Winter is coming..." and, after our LO was born, "Winter is here..." but most of you wouldn't get the reference.

Over the weekend I was fortunate enough to attend a free community photo shoot; professional photographers from all over coming together and giving back to families in the area. They suggest attending for holiday pictures, but I decided to make it a birthday shoot instead and loved the results! It's not easy with an almost one year old, she wouldn't sit still!

Yesterday we had a birthday party with 30 of our closest family and friends. We had asked for donations to the Children's hospital in lieu of gifts, and while nearly everybody donated we still had a trunk full of presents! We opened a couple for her last night but we will give her the rest over time. As everyone calls our little girl a unicorn baby, my BFF found the perfect cake and we had it replicated by DH's cousin.

Tomorrow, her actual birthday, DH is taking the day off and we are attending our baby sign language class as usual and then bringing brownies to playgroup for a mini birthday celebration! After that we have a few errands to run, possibly a trip to the mall to see some Christmas decorations, and then a little party with just us three. Leftover cake for dinner? Maybe!

Clusterf*cked

2016-11-15T19:39:00.000-05:00

Severe sleep apnea causes snoring, snoring causes me to wake up, being woken up causes me to be repeatedly tired, anxiety and being overtired causes me to have insomnia, insomnia brings me to sleeping pills, sleeping pills cause vivid dreams and worsen sleep apnea.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Worse part is? The LO sleeps a full 11-12 hours at night, and has for months! There is no reason I should be feeling this way! In theory, anyway.

Met with the allergist finally, nothing conclusive.

Met with the ENT, nothing physically wrong with me (that surgery could fix for example).

Aware that weight is an issue; but it’s another catch 22. My anxiety meds are partially to blame for re-gaining the pre-pregnancy weight I had lost. But when I tried to come off of them a month ago my anxiety came back quickly and I had to go back on them.

Waiting to see a pneumologist.

Waiting to try a CPAP machine now that my massive, unexplained, congestion has cleared up.

Waiting… for a good night’s sleep!

Note. In retrospect, I don’t think I ever wrote about the sleep apnea diagnosis. It came in early fall after no other explanations for my exhaustion could be found and DH complained of my sudden snoring. He heard me gasp for air one night as well and that was it… off for tests.

Back To Work!

2016-11-14T13:53:00.001-05:00

This is my first day back to work after maternity leave! Thankfully, I made the right decision to ease back into my new life gradually... lots of gossip this morning, and lots of changes that will likely not all be good. But, we will see what happens comes of it all in time.

Two Week Notice

2016-10-28T09:16:00.000-04:00

This is the last Friday I will be spending with my LO before heading back to work. As of next week she is in daycare 3 days and we continue our usual activities the other 2 days.

I do have mixed emotions, but I am ready to "adult" again. My main fears have nothing to do with leaving her in daycare, but rather that the promises made to me by my employer when I informed them I was coming back will be broken. We shall see. A lot of it has to do with responsibilities that never should have been mine in the first place; I never shied away from more. But now, I have my main responsibility at home, my daughter, and I need to save my energy (and my brain) for her. During peak times I would work straight through like a crazy woman and come home to pass out on the sofa. I can’t do that anymore. And, I know, I shouldn’t have done it before either. But now that I (stupidly) did that for so long, they have certain expectations of me… and I am not good about disappointing people.

But, I would rather let down my co-workers than my daughter.

Recently some moms at playgroup have been talking about how emotional it is to go through old baby clothes, how hard it is to return to work and how fast their little ones are growing up. I don’t really feel any of those things. I have kept some outfits to look back on, but 95% is donated to a mom I have befriended with twin girls. I look forward to going back to work and getting back to what I know best because, let’s face it, I’ve done that longer than I’ve done this and have far more confidence in myself sitting in my office. And, I love that she is growing up because I enjoy celebrating the milestones; feeding herself, crawling and exploring her environment, and trying to stand on her own at the moment. Seeing her clap when she is happy makes me smile! I can’t wait for her to master baby gibberish and eventually learn to talk and tell me all about her day. I look forward to trying new things at the park, like the slide and the jungle gym. Swings are boring!

One mom in particular is very similar to me and we think we don’t feel those things because we know that we are both part of the “one and done” club. At least I am not alone!

Anyhow, I am going to stop sitting at the computer and get ready to spend our last Friday together; a short trip to Wal-Mart, a bag of clothes to drop off for the twins, a jacket to pick up from another mom, and maybe some time at the park if the rain clears up. And maybe if I am lucky, a nap!

Suggested Reading:

I'm Not Cut Out For This Shit

Open Letter: Mr. Selfish

2016-10-24T10:05:00.003-04:00

When you can’t control what’s happening,
challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening.
That’s where your power is!

I made a bad decision this past summer. One that I cannot take back, but I can learn from it.

You invited us to your adult-only wedding. In fact, not only were we invited, but you asked DH to be one of your groomsman. Truthfully, we did not agree with your choice for an adult-only affair, but we respected it as it was YOUR choice to make. Initially, I said that I could not attend because I had no idea what I would do with the LO and my anxiety was getting the better of me. We asked that you make an exception, but you stood firm and expressed that you would really like us both there somehow, so I compromised (myself), asking my mom to babysit for a few hours and a good friend to accompany me to the ceremony. It was an acceptable solution to a problem that infuriated me, and I was mostly ok with my decision… right up until I found out that someone else was ALLOWED to bring their LO.

WHAT!?!

I was told that this exception was made because they were coming from out of town and would have no one to care for the baby. And? Just because I live here doesn’t mean I have a line-up of people willing to care for our LO! And, even if I did, I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving my then 8 month old with someone for a whole evening. That was why we asked for special permission to bring her, just as they did, if only for the ceremony itself. If I felt that she could not have handled that, or any event for that matter, I would have made other arrangements for her to be taken care of. Anyone who truly knows us should also trust that, as the parents, we know what is best for our child and we know what she can (or cannot) handle. She comes before all others; her needs are more important to us than anything. Even if I had to stay home with her myself, I would have… and, in retrospect, I should have.

You don’t have (or want) children… so I wouldn’t expect you to understand any of this, but your demands were nothing but an insult to us.

Now, flash forward a few months and the earliest invitations for our daughter’s 1st birthday party have already gone out. Initially, I vowed I would not even invite you guys, as this is a baby-friendly event, but as time went on my heart softened and I changed my mind and sent you an invitation. Initially, you agreed to come so I was quite happy with my decision. But then I mentioned the evil word… children! Yes, my mistake, I reminded you that there will be CHILDREN at my daughter’s 1st birthday party! And, because of them, you bailed?!? Seriously, scared off over a couple of kids, commenting that our LO wouldn’t even notice or care that you won’t be there.

No, she won’t notice, or care… not in the least. But do you know who WILL notice? Who DOES care? Her parents; mom especially.

I should have stayed home this past summer. I compromised my own comfort for someone so selfish he can’t even be around a handful of children to celebrate the accomplishments of his, supposedly, close friends. This party is a celebration of US and not just HER. The culmination of everything we have struggled for in previous years, and celebration of everything we finally get to look forward to in years to come.

If you can’t wholly accept our child, then you can’t accept us. We are a package deal. We are a family. It’s too bad you can’t see that, because I can’t respect someone who doesn’t.

Tabula Rasa

2016-09-29T22:14:00.000-04:00

"What we need,' Henry says, 'is a fresh start. A blank slate. Let's call her Tabula Rasa. "
Audrey Niffenegger. The Time Traveler's Wife

Fall has officially begun, and with that we have resumed our regular mommy-baby play date activities. Admittedly, when I started to participate in these groups last Winter I swore I would hate them. But, I have come around full circle and have grown to depend on them for my sanity as well as the LO’s socialization and development.

We will also be increasing daycare attendance as of next week! Up till now, she has gone once a week when DH is home and twice a week when he travels for work. Now she will be going twice a week for the month, three times a week in November, and so on until she is full time in the new year. I have mixed emotions about it, but I guess I have mixed emotions about everything as of late. The other day, for a very brief moment in time, I caught myself considering a second child… and then I quickly snapped out of that and reminded myself I could always borrow someones child if I needed another!

Anyhow, when it comes down to it, it’s like I am finally realizing that I had all the time in the world available to spend with the LO 10 months ago but couldn’t handle it, and now that I feel more capable of doing so I need to learn to let her go.(Insert Mommy guilt here)

In fact, I have only six weeks to accomplish this.

Yes, full time stay-at-home-mom duty comes to an end on November 14 and I get to “adult” again! I just met with my boss and laid out my requests for my return to work, including a gradual entry similar to the daycare integration and a more flexible schedule to handle daycare drop-offs and pick-ups. I have also requested a number of days off next summer, without pay, so that I can attend one of the weekly park playgroups we went to this summer as I really enjoyed that time with the LO. All of this, along with some other important requests, was granted to my surprise! I was ready to take a couple of months of without pay in protest to being denied… so much for that! I am happy with the meeting and believe that I made it very clear that I will not be the old me, I will be the new me (improved or not) and they will just have to accept employee version 2.0. After all, my most important title now is MOM.

Let the countdown begin, I guess!

And, on that note, I also saw my psychiatrist today and we have increased my dosage to accommodate the anxiety that is sure to come sooner rather than later at this point; between the LO being on the move (crawling, climbing, going up the stairs by herself and trying to stand), return to work around the corner, getting used to yet another new routine, adapting to being a working work widow with a baby, and whatever else comes our way... I will need all the support I can get! I should also be returning to the therapist soon to get an extra boost. Do what you have to do!

Suggested Reading:

Medicated Moms Face A Double Standard

The Keg: Full Circle

2016-08-26T07:13:00.005-04:00

It is that time of year again, my birthday; a day that everyone seems to want to celebrate, except me. Well, that’s not exactly true. I want to celebrate it, but quietly and in my own way. And, for some unknown reason, this is too difficult for certain others to comprehend which has, in the past, led me go out of town simply to get away from it all.

But, the last couple of years we have found ourselves successfully keeping the peace as I had always wanted and ending the day of activities with dinner at The Keg Steakhouse, just the two of us. Something we will do again this year, only we will be 3.

Ironically, 2 years ago we almost didn’t make it to dinner. We were walking around doing some sightseeing and I was in incredible pain as I was stimming at the time. My egg collection ended up being only a few days later and, as we now know, my ovaries were bursting with mature follicles at this time. I was doubled over in pain at one point and DH suggested we just go home, but I fought through it. I don’t think I ate very much, but I enjoyed it as best I could.

And then last year, I was 6 months pregnant when we returned to The Keg. I remember desperately wanting anything in a medium rare but opting for a medium well as this was recommended during pregnancy. Again, not able to eat much because the LO was pushing on all of my insides and taking up room, but a wonderful evening just the same.

And, this year, our first time going out for dinner with the LO in 6 months! We have gone for brunch and lunch together, but rarely dinner as this used to be very overwhelming for her. But she did so well, I couldn’t have asked for more! We have both been sick so we didn’t do much during the day. Then we walked around for a while, sightseeing, before heading for dinner. The LO sat in a high chair, ate some of her dinner that I brought from home and picked at some of our food too. The floor was a bit of a mess but who cares! I finally had the medium rare I have been craving and a Long Island Iced tea too! Finished It all off with a piece of ice cream cake.

Happy quiet 37th birthday to me!

How To lose Your Mind In 11 Days

2016-08-22T19:57:00.000-04:00

I did mention that I was already struggling with my meds, right? Maybe I shouldn’t have put that out there because ever since then someone, somewhere, decided to turn my world upside down.

Never has 11 days as a work widow seemed longer!

Day 1: DH leaves for California. I was coming down with what I thought was a really bad cold. LO went to daycare, I did groceries, went for a long overdue pedicure, and that was about it. No drama.

Day 2: Getting sicker, definitely sinuses again. Went to the pharmacy, got some OTC meds, went home, and didn’t do much.

Day 3: So much sicker. Order antibiotics online for delivery. Hours later, find out there is no delivery on weekend. Go to pharmacy, barely able to speak, and get meds.

Day 4: Daycare. Still quite sick. Do nothing. Too tired to cook, take-out (Mc Donald’s). Have a friend come cuddle baby. Bath for LO and bed. Insomnia.

Day 5: Playgroup. Not horrible at all. Early evening, going stir crazy, get in car and go for mall walk.

Day 6: Feeling much better. Quiet day. Early evening, can’t take it again, go to mall again. Get frustrated. Go to other mall. Can’t find what I want. Go for long drive. Insomnia.

Day 7: Daycare. Almost feeling normal again. Walmart. Make baby food. Take-out (Harvey’s). Friends’ soccer game.

Day 8: Baby getting sick? Still not feeling normal myself. Early evening, once again, Walmart with some take-out Sushi.

Day 9: Baby is congested. Teething? I am starting to feel worse again, but just a cough this time. A different friends’ soccer game. Take-out (Kentucky Fried Crap). Friends come over swimming, decide not to go in just in case we are sick. Quick bath and bed for LO.

Day 10: Baby is sick. Sinuses, coughing, swollen eyes, fever. Early B-day lunch at my mothers. Baby is better? Nope, baby gets worse. I feel worse too. Go to pharmacy again for OTC. Call info line. Baby isn’t sick enough for ER but may become that way. Keep watch. Give her a bath and right to bed. Go outside to clean up after rainstorm. Slip and fall (hard) on deck. Ow. Insomnia.

Day 11: Check on baby at 3am. Eyes swollen shut with puss. Trouble breathing. Fever. Horrible cough. Call brother-in-law, go to hospital. Croup. Sinus infection. Ear infection. Eye infection. Steroids, oxygen, anti-inflammatory, observation, discharge. Baby much better. Go get prescription for baby. Rest for afternoon and then disinfect house. My eye is swollen and sore. Look in mirror. I have an eye infection now. Back to pharmacy for OTC. Take-out (Mc Donald’s again). DH lands. Baby needs a bath. While waiting, she pees all over me and the floor. Clean up again. Bath, bottle bed.

DH should be home any minute. Am I off duty yet??? He is off for the next week and timing couldn’t be better! I am so over this “groundhog day” experience.

Note: For the insomnia, someone asked why im not taking my sleeping pills. Because i cant take cold and flu meds and the sleeping pills together due to interactions. Catch 22, and it's horrible.

Mommy's Little (Pill) Helper

2016-08-13T14:53:00.001-04:00

"You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn"
You Learn - Alanis Morissette

On May 8 of this year, Mother’s Day, I started to take an antidepressant. It is used to treat depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). In my case, what I believed to be postpartum anxiety.

What have I learned in the last few months on this medication?

First of all, I have learned that it makes me a better Mom, and that’s OK with me! Being on a medication like this has made my world less terrifying to live in. It has decreased my need to be over-critical and judgmental of my own thoughts and actions. It has lowered my constant tendency towards mommy-guilt. It has enabled me to better manage stressful situations, surroundings, circumstances and people in my life. It has helped me turn off my racing thoughts and get a good night’s sleep. And, most importantly, it has allowed me to stay calm and level-headed through emotional situations with the LO.

And, secondly, I have realized that I have always been this way! Ok, maybe not always, but certainly a lot longer than what I originally believed to be a postpartum effect. I truly believe that I have GAD and am exploring that with Billie and the psychiatrist. I would say that it has fluctuated over the years, but it is always there on some level. The difference is that I was previously extremely high functioning and mostly able to control when I would let GAD into my thoughts. Postpartum, I was no longer able to turn this on or off, largely due to the massive hormonal shift I believe (as well as a new baby, new experiences, lack of sleep, etc…).

Until a couple of weeks ago I was doing extremely well on this medication. But slowly, the anxiety has crept back in and this last week has been somewhat difficult. I couldn’t place my finger on why, and then it dawned on me. Aunt Flo. She also appeared about 2 weeks ago for the first time since before I was pregnant. Not to mention, the first time naturally (not triggered by medication) in years! I strongly believe that this has had something to do with everything and will discuss this when I see the psychiatrist next month. We had already intended to increase my dosage before returning to work even though I was skeptical, but now I see why it will be necessary.

And yes, I admit it. I think going back to work will make me an even better mom too! Once I get through the initial transition , that is… I am not looking forward to that!