Crimes In Progress

Reddit AMA and Public Proof

2016-12-06T13:55:00.001-06:00

Hi Reddit mods, welcome to my terrible site where you can find 3 year old Cracked rip off articles (still originals) and much, much worse.

Let me know if there's anything else you need for proof!

Dark Tourism: A Piece in Tedium

2016-11-23T13:34:00.001-06:00

Danilo Hommel, official tour guide for Slaughterhouse-Five

New article out in Tedium about my visit earlier this year to Dresden, Germany to visit the sight of Slaughterhouse-Five.

Hope you enjoy!

New Published Article in Tedium

2016-10-31T12:54:00.000-05:00

New Piece Published in Tedium.co Just recently published a new article in Tedium, a great little newsletter that focuses on the "Duller Side" of the Internet. Well, we kind of broke the mold and decided to write about a 1,000 mile air race across the American west. The story will also appear in Atlas Obscura later this week!

Here's a link to the story!

Some Choice Photos from the Trip

Bonneville Salt Flats

Polson, Montana

Moab, Utah

Drink Your Whisky Like A Man: The First Publication from Crimes In Progress

2015-06-16T15:14:00.001-05:00

Available Exclusively on Amazon! (Sometime in the next 12 to 48 hours!) Be one of the first to get an eCopy of one of the most "highly anticipated" collections of poetry in 2015. Written by Andrew Egan (yours truly), Drink Your Whisky Like a Man is being described as "hilarious", "sexy", and "it's okay, you can stop asking me if I read it." (Thanks Mom!)

Above is the cover's collection and below is the titular poem. DYWLAM is intended to be a quick read, lasting no more than 15 minutes. In fact, it pairs quite well with a glass of your favorite whisky.

The collection was designed by the excellent Jason Storey of Portland, Oregon. Check out his website and company Graphic Design Cult. Do yourself a favor and buy a copy of Drink Your Whisky Like a Man. For $2.99, you support 2 (TWO!) artists and get to add the pretentious title of "Poetry Reader" to your list of personal qualities and/or characteristics. I even guarantee a laugh or I will personally apologize on this site.

Here's a quick one to get you started, the Amazon link to the work has a leet form of booze in it: amzn.com/B00ZSGETSK.

The 5 Greatest Musicals Ever on Television Shows

2015-01-24T14:37:00.000-06:00

The Internetz is definitely the place for uber-specific “best of” lists and pointless discussions. When talking about great television musicals, I’m not talking about television musical shows, like Glee. I’m not even talking about random musical episodes of otherwise non-musical shows. (I seem to remember The Drew Carey Show being guilty of this pretty frequently… also every other episode of Family Guy in recent years. The incredibly popular “Once more, with feeling” episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer is probably the most famous example of this.)

This discussion is limited to the best musicals that are A PART of the shows in which they appear. Or more simply, they’re part of the plot and not necessarily gimmicky. The usage of these great TV musicals is limited to comedic effect and genuine plot/character development. There are countless examples of this concept on television, I've limited this to the 5 most worthy of attention.

While it might seem weird (or stupid), to get this specific about television musicals (or musicals appearing on television shows), I was looking for efforts that rose above the level of gimmick or were written by people with little knowledge of what they were doing. To me, at least, the entries on this list seem like organic parts of the shows that spawned them. Hopefully, this kind of filter leads others to notice the suspiciously high quality of these unexpected gems.

Show: The Simpsons (1989 to Present)

Title: Stop the Planet of the Apes, I Want To Get Off!

Episode: A Fish Called Selma (1996)

By far my favorite entry, this musical take on the epically awesome Planet of the Apes is equally epic and equally awesome. Series legend Troy McClure attempted to use the musical as a vehicle for a comeback after years out of the limelight. Like many others on this list, the Stop musical is woefully incomplete. The few songs that were made are pure classics. Check out this clip that contains the whole musical though mashed with clips from Mad Men... yeah, whatever.

Show: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005 to Present)

Title: The Nightman Cometh

Episode: The Nightman Cometh

This entry might violate my own rules but I think it fits since the musical wasn’t the point and was ultimately part of larger arch between Charlie and the Waitress. Part of Charlie’s scheme is the musical, “The Nightman Cometh”, which builds upon songs the character wrote a year earlier in the midst of a glue huffing binge. The quality of the music is iffy, at best, but the musical’s true genius is its humorous handling of rape and slavery. The episode proved to be so popular with fans, the “gang” decided to stage a live performance in 2009 at a Los Angeles theater. Above is a quick look at the live version...

Show: Futurama (1999 to 2003, 2008 to Present)

Title: Leela: Orphan of the Stars

Episode: The Devil’s Hands Are Idle Playthings (2003)

Technically, this entry is an opera, not a musical. However, Fry’s opera deserves attention because it’s touching. The episode is notable for giving a Fry an outlet to express his true feelings, an issue for the character throughout the series. The episode also explores the potential of the holophonor, a fantastic instrument that combines visual and sonic elements. To quote the Robot Devil’s critique of Fry’s work, “This opera is as lousy as it is brilliant.” Enjoy!

Show: The Office (US) (2005 to Present)

Title: Sweeney Todd: Demon Barber of Fleet Street

Episode: Andy’s Play (2010)

The character of Andy from the American version of The Office has always possessed a certain artistic flair but his talents were on full display during a community theater production of Sweeny Todd. Andy can play a variety of instruments but he also proved he can sing and dance. Despite a number of mishaps (like Andy’s phone going off mid-performance), this version of Sweeney Todd is oddly appealing and makes me want to see some local community theater.

Show: Friends (1994 to 2004)

Title: Freud!

Episode: The One with the Butt

This quick gag from an early episode of Friends was meant to be a joke about the crappy jobs struggling actors often receive. The production was billed as a musical biography of the life of Austrian psychiatrist Sigmund Freud… if that doesn’t sound hilariously badass, I don’t know what does. (Maybe a musical retelling of the Book of Mormon.) While brief, Freud! is memorable because of some clever lyrics, “All you want is a dingle/What you envy’s a schwang/A thing through which you can tinkle/Or play with, or simply let hang.” I will be spending the rest of my life attempting to write a better song about penis envy (Follow link to preview here as embedding was disabled for the best available version.)

Grammar Rules to Live By

2014-12-01T10:29:00.000-06:00

Being a writer means a certain adherence to grammar rules. Every once in a while, we get to shatter these rules to great effect. Case in point, these wonderful rules of grammar from Gary James, an award-winning copywriter and marketing consultant from Asheville, North Carolina.

Hilarious, irreverent, and just the right amount of snark. Enjoy!

Never Break the Following Grammar Rules... Or Do, It's Whatever

Here's an a copy and pastable version, for those that want it...

Grammar Rules to Keep in Mind

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
Avoid clichés like the plague. (They’re old hat)
Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
Be more or less specific.
Remarks in brackets (however relevant) are (usually) (but not always) unnecessary.
Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
No sentence fragments.
Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used.
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
One should NEVER generalize.
Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
Don’t use no double negatives.
Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
One-word sentences? Eliminate.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
The passive voice is to be ignored.
Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
Kill all exclamation points!!!
Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.
Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
Puns are for children, not groan readers.
Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Brand Names That Have Become Everyday Words

2011-02-22T18:09:00.000-06:00

Some products are so common they enter the common vernacular as nouns. The proper term is “genericized trademark” and corporations spend fortunes to prevent this from happening to valuable brands. Certain examples are well known, such as Kleenex. (A friend of mine is actively trying to get people to refer to all MP3 players as iPods. He has his own reasoning…)

The entries are list were selected because I find them to be surprising and worthy of attention. For example…

Seeing Eye Dogs

This one shocked the hell out of me and inspired this article. Official “Seeing Eye” dogs are only trained at ONE school, located in New Jersey. The wait for one of these highly specialized guide dogs can last as long as four months. The non-profit organization is called The Seeing Eye and houses handlers during their training with dogs.

These dogs have more training than the average American worker.

Established in 1929, The Seeing Eye pioneered the use of guide dogs in the United States and their work continues today. Golden retrievers, German shepherds and Labrador retrievers are the breeds mostly commonly used as “Seeing Eye” dogs.

Zipper

An array of continuous fasteners have been patented since 1851 but the actual name “zipper” comes from the B.F. Goodrich Company. In the 1930s, the company was looking for ways to market a previously patented fastener design that was being used on rubber boots.

Zippers were never intended to withstand substantial pressure.

Around the office, workers referred to the fastener as the “zipper” because it could be closed with one hand. The name simply stuck and use continues to this day. Fun Fact: Roughly 90 percent of the world’s zippers are made in Japan and most of those are made by the YKK Group.

The Jacuzzi

Originally intended as medical equipment, the Jacuzzi has become a staple among wealthy executives and swingers. The Jacuzzi family were machinists that emigrated from Italy at the beginning of the 20^th century. After one of the members was diagnosed with Rheumatoid arthritis, the Jacuzzis began developing a hydrology treatment based on their water pump designs. The original Jacuzzi was released in 1955 as a simple pump that people used in their tubs at home. In 1968, the company began marketing a full bath we now know as the Jacuzzi.

Pictured: American ingenuity.

Jacuzzi exploded in popularity during the 1970s amid the spa craze and was sold in 2006 for nearly $1 billion. The company’s technology was so reliable that the US Navy relied on Jacuzzi water pumps to power patrol boats during the Vietnam War. These water pumps allowed the patrol boats to operate without propellers, giving them greater maneuverability.

Band-Aids

A million companies produce adhesive bandages but there’s only one Band-Aid. Created in the early 1920s by a long time employee of the Johnson & Johnson Company, Band-Aids have become synonymous with childhood injuries and do-it-yourself projects gone awry.

This is how corporations make their products racially sensitive.

In 1951, the company debuted specialty designs containing popular characters, like Superman and Mickey Mouse. The Johnson & Johnson Company owns the trademark on Band-Aid meaning that similar products can only be referred to as adhesive bandages. Fun Fact: The stupidly catchy Band-Aid jingle, “I’m Stuck on a Band-Aid”, was written by Barry Manilow.

Heroin

This small amount would probably sell for $5K nowadays.

One of the world’s addictive and dangerous narcotics, heroin had been independently synthesized a few times before a German pharmaceutical company (today known as Bayer) began marketing the drug in 1898. Heroin was originally intended as an over-the-counter cough suppressant but was quickly regulated by lawmakers. Along with Aspirin, Bayer lost the right to claim trademarks on heroin as a result of provisions in the Treaty of Versailles.

A Hilarious Piece from Dave Barry

2011-01-05T02:12:00.000-06:00

Columnist, novelist, journalist. Dave Barry is a Pulitzer-prize winning writer. Barry's accolades largely derive from his notorious wit, which has been keeping me sane lately. As a brief, and lazy, tribute I offer, "Dave Barry's Electricity".

Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity and where does it go after it leaves the toaster?

Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson: On a cool dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This teaches one that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important lesson about electricity.

It also illustrates how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpet so that they will attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travel down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.

AMAZING ELECTRONIC FACT: If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting.

Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mixers, etc. for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a serious electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as, "A penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job running the post office.

After Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments. Among them, Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond -- almost.

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877 was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879 when he invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again.

This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact, the last year any new electricity was generated was 1937.

Today, thanks to men like Edison and Franklin, and frogs like Galvani's, we receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity. For example, in the past decade scientists have developed the laser, an electronic appliance so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer 2000 yards away, yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform delicate operations to the human eyeball, provided they remember to change the power setting from "Bulldozer" to "Eyeball."

Quick Meme

2010-12-25T04:55:00.001-06:00

Robot Knock Knock Joke

2010-12-22T03:21:00.000-06:00

This meme is going around now... I thought I'd jump on the bandwagon.

Hope you enjoyed!

A Quick Thanks To Reddit...

2010-12-22T02:14:00.000-06:00

So... a lot of my traffic comes to Reddit and I've been a fan of the community for a while. Here's a quick thanks to the community for stopping by every once and a while.

Anyone unfamiliar with the Reddit community should know that they find sarcasm and insults more endearing than direct compliments... Just like women.

Awesome Advice… From Surprising Sources

2010-12-21T20:42:00.000-06:00

Cicero once famously said, “Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself.” That’s horseshit. There are lots of things for which I need competent advice. (Sorry for the weird wording of that sentence but I can’t knowingly end a sentence with a preposition.) For example, I’m always seeking creative ideas for surviving a British soccer riot… Many people have a hard time taking advice, especially when they have a perceived understanding of the central issue.

Sometimes, however, the best advice comes from unexpected places. Ever get financial advice from a homeless man? I did once, he told me to save and it meant WAY more than anything my parents ever said on the matter. With this thought in mind, I decided to find other unexpected sources of great advice/information.

Nurses Teach Self-Defense

According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, women comprise a whopping 92 percent of all registered nurses. With shortages of other critically needed medical positions, nurses are being given more and more responsibility. This often means dealing with a broader range of patients, like drug users or mentally disabled that might pose a threat to staff. Attacks on nurses are pretty common though only the more vicious incidents become news stories.

While medical facilities attempt to safeguard staff with administrative procedures, nurses can take a more aggressive approach. Any number of courses and online resources specifically concentrate on teaching nurses basic and effective self-defense techniques. Check out this video for the wrist release:

Simple, easy, effective. Much of the self-defense techniques taught to nurses mimic those offered in general women’s self-defense courses. Nurse self-defense seems to focus more on close proximity techniques and minimizing damage. Overall, these moves might be practical for real world physical confrontation that leaves your dignity intact without involving the police or ugly lawsuits.

Sex Advice… From Old People

I would never claim ALL old people have something to offer regarding sex. In fact, I’d bet that most don’t… However, more than a few sex columnists are past their prime porn ages and still attract millions with their take on the nasty. Dr. Joyce Brothers. Ruth Westheimer. These are just a few of the media psychologists that make millions teaching the ignorant masses about one of life’s most basic functions. Other than extensive education, these women also share advanced age. But they don’t have SHIT on Sue Johanson.

Nothing can replace experience...

Sue is THE queen of sex... in Canada, which may not be THAT big a deal but she’s also become well-known in important countries too. At age 80, Johanson writes books, speaks and even sells her own line of sex toys… Ew.

Though a large number of people are willing to offer their advice on sex, the most successful seem to old people. The average age of Brothers, Westheimer and Johanson? 82.

Teenage Girls Offer Personal Hygiene Tips

This one is probably a little more obvious but I have to admit it never occurred to me. As a male, I know my personal hygienic standards are probably below those of the average woman. Walk into the bathroom of any American female and you’ll see a veritable laboratory of tonics, crèmes and powders dedicated to the sole function of personal appearance.

I have a feeling the Nyquil in this photo was used recreationally...

I can’t compete and neither can most guys. The hygiene gap can be closed with a little advice from our female counterparts and, on YouTube anways, the best sources are teenaged girls. In between gym class and trips to the mall (I really have to admit I have NO idea what they do day by day), hundreds of helpful girls have offered hygiene advice on everything from face washing to conditioner to whatever. Here’s one explaining the most effective use of Biore strips to remove blackheads:

Much of the advice is common sense but it’s truly amazing what a few clever teenagers can accomplish when motivated by crushing peer pressure and body image issues.

Strippers Build Up a Sweat

The health benefits of sex really shouldn't be underestimated. Just one hour of making the beast with two backs can burn up to 250 calories. Running? Just 125 calories. Strangely, I have yet to see a workout tape with pornstars teaching others how to fuck their way to bangable bods…

Fortunately, America’s softcore porn princesses have filled this desperately needed marketing niche.A few years ago, health clubs across the country were making headlines by hiring strippers to teach suburban soccer moms pole moves. The stripper workout requires some equipment but the savings are made up with less required workout clothing.

Legit workout attire...

Listen to one of the movement's earliest adopters explain and demonstrate:

Turns out, exercising on a pole is actually a pretty decent way to keep fit. Some experts estimate that the pole work out can burn up to 800 calories an hour. Research is still being conducted to discover the nutritional benefits of a cocaine based diet.

The REAL Gateway Drug

2010-12-18T23:03:00.000-06:00

As kids, we were taught certain behaviors. Experts often link childhood eating behaviors to life long practices. If that's really the case, I often wonder what certain foods teach kids. Foods like...

There must be some studies that examine the link between childhood Fun Dip use and adult cocaine use.

Cherry flavor has the best drip...

Rather than simply destroy a memory from my childhood, I'll leave things on a light note...

For Those Who Don't Know What They're Doing and Don't Care...

2010-12-17T17:25:00.000-06:00

I have no idea how to fix computers... Of course, ANY product with a million parts will eventually break down. For many people this isn't a problem. You either know what you're doing or you pay someone who does.

This comic is for everyone else, like me, who looks at malfunctions as an opportunity to learn about computers. Basically everything I know about my computer I have learned by fixing the various issues that have occurred over the years... Enjoy!

Advice... From a Solid Source

2010-12-16T23:34:00.001-06:00

7 Famous Whistleblowers… That Aren’t Julian Assange

2010-12-13T16:21:00.000-06:00

A surprising number of entries on this list have had movies made about their stories. Whistleblowers aren’t generally seeking fame, however. WikiLeaks founder, Julian Assange, is an obvious exception but there is an obvious method to the “reclusive” founder’s madness. At this point, Assange might be THE most famous whistleblower in history but that point is debatable.

Here’s a brief list of a few exceptionally famous whistleblowers…

W. Mark Felt

Better known as the anonymous informant, “Deep Throat,” Felt assisted Washington Post reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein during the infamous Watergate scandal. Felt served as the number two guy in the FBI and was the most important source for Woodward. The coverage provided by the young reporters was instrumental in forcing President Richard Nixon to resign from office. To this day, few whistleblowers have had as much impact as Felt. (I think Assange is getting close with the sheer volume of information he’s released.)

Jeffery Wigand

Most people are aware of Wigand’s story from the movie The Insider. Wigand was an executive for a large tobacco company when he decided to approach 60 Minutes with a bombshell accusation: cigarette companies knew their products were addictive and attempted to “enhance” that quality with chemical additives. The company sued Wigand to prevent him from speaking or testifying in open court. Wigand was instrumental as a an expert witness as various states sued tobacco companies to recoup losses to public health programs caused by tobacco-related illnesses.

Daniel Ellsberg

This former Marine Corps officer and Harvard graduate has been making news recently defending Assange and Bradley Manning, the alleged source of classified American diplomatic communications given to WikiLeaks. Ellsberg was at the center of his own freedom of information dispute in the 1970s during the fight to publish The Pentagon Papers. The documents proved that the various Presidential administrations had systematically lied to the public about the ability of U.S. forces to win the Vietnam War. The issue eventually found its way before the Supreme Court in New York Times Co v. United States which reaffirmed the right of media to publish share information vital to public interest.

Joseph Wilson

A former ambassador and current businessman, Wilson was sent by the Central Intelligence Agency to Niger to investigate claims that Sadam Hussein’s regime had attempted to secure yellow cake uranium. After the Bush administration downplayed his report, Wilson went public. The result was a clusterfuck of retaliation as Wilson’s wife, Valerie Plame, was revealed publically as a CIA agent by a newspaper columnist. One administration official was convicted in relation to the Plame leak but attempts by the couple to file a lawsuit have been unsuccessful.

Frank Serpico

On April 25^th, 1970 a story appeared on the front page of The New York Times that would rock the city and its police force. The article, written with the assistance of New York Police Department officer Frank Serpico, detailed massive, widespread corruption among cops. Though Serpico was eventually promoted to detective, he was shot in a “questionable shooting” incident widely believed to have been arranged by fellow police officers. Corruption was still an issue for the NYPD for years after but Serpico’s actions helped get the ball rolling.

Mark Klein

A relatively unknown figure, Klein made headlines around the world in 2006 when he revealed that his employer, AT&T, had been cooperating with the National Security Agency to monitor the telecommunications of American citizens. After 22 years with the company, Klein lost his job. The Electronic Frontier Foundation is currently suing the NSA and AT&T in federal court in California.

Linda Tripp

Not all whistleblowers have great reputations. Tripp was a highly paid government employee at the Pentagon when she befriended a young woman named Monica Lewinsky that was having an affair with then-President Bill Clinton. Tripp recorded her conversations with Lewinsky which revealed Clinton had lied about the affair under oath. An impeachment trial failed to remove Clinton from office.

5 Greatest Themes from the Golden Era of Disney Cartoons!

2010-12-09T08:25:00.000-06:00

When I refer to the Golden Era of Disney animation I refer to the free-wheeling days of Reagan and government subsidized cocaine... the 1980s. Sure, Fantasia can be fun under the right "circumstances" (I mean completely baked) but it's really hard to top the string of hits that helped make Michael Eisner.

The shows were great but the opening themes were amazing. Here they are... The Best Themes from 1980s Era Disney Cartoons!

Chip ‘n Dale Rescue Rangers

Chip ‘n’ Dale were long time support players in the Disney universe before getting their shot at the big time with an original show, Chip ‘n Dale Rescue Rangers. The premise of the show centered on the trouble-making chipmunks and their adventures running a detective agency. Teamed with the badass Monterey Jack and the strangely sexy Gadget Hackwrench, the Rescue Rangers was a fun and the theme song is really catchy.

TaleSpin

The world of TaleSpin was a strange mix of 1930s art deco and sweet aviation. The city of Cape Suzette was built around the airplane as the primary means of transportation. (Characters even fly to their favorite bar.) As a kid, I wanted to be Kit Cloudkicker but I quickly realized I would never have the balls to essentially water ski on clouds… The theme seems to be similar to the source material of the characters, the excellent animated feature, The Jungle Book.

Darkwing Duck

One of the best shows and, in my opinion, the best theme song on this list, Darkwing Duck followed the adventures of a fowl superhero in his quest to protect St. Canard. The title character, Darkwing Duck, was part Batman, part Green Hornet and part Inspector Gadget. The show was (and still is) a blast to watch and I’ve been waiting for club remix of the opening theme for years!

DuckTales

The show that started the craze, DuckTales is the daddy of these shows. Following its ridiculous success on the burgeoning Disney Channel, DuckTales spawned a number of quick follow-ups and spin-offs, like Darkwing Duck. The show followed super-rich misanthrope Scroope McDuck and his nephews on adventures around the world, often focusing on the elder duck’s attempts to increase his already vast wealth. The lyrics to the theme song are still burned in my memory and I wouldn’t have it any other way…

Goof Troop

I never like Goofy as a stand-alone character but Goof Troop was a clever use of an old Disney staple. The show's creators choose to introduce Goofy’s kid, Max, and decided to focus on his struggle to adapt to a parent that’s, well, goofy. The show led to the weirdly watchable, A Goofy Movie, that also had its own excellent music but the theme to the show is still tops.

The 5 Best Preparation H Commercials

2010-12-08T13:33:00.000-06:00

For those of you lucky enough not to know, Preparation H is intended as an over the counter treatment for hemorrhoids. There seem to be a million different uses for the white crème. Pitchers in baseball use it to change the direction of pitches. The most common auxiliary use of Preparation H, however, has to be comedic. Characters in movies and television shows have used the hemorrhoid medication in pranks. (Usually swapping toothpaste with Preparation H.)

Furthering its comedic contributions to pop culture, Preparation H commercials are often unintentionally hilarious. Here are a few of the best Prep H commercials…

Bryan Cranston Gets a Crack At Show Business...

Before gaining notoriety on Seinfeld, Malcolm in the Middle and Breaking Bad, Bryan Cranston was just another actor trying to make a living. Unfortunately that meant take the occasional embarrassing job, like this 1980s Preparation H commercial. It’s not particularly funny but it is a nice reminder of the time Cranston was working in the trenches like the rest of us. (I refuse to avoid bad puns in this article!)

Is This a Triple Entendre...

Just because something is foreign doesn’t make it funny. Of course, there are exceptions and I think it might be impossible not to laugh at foreign Preparation H commercials. Below is a prime example. A dancing stool… Really? Dancing stool? My mind just exploded thinking of the symbolism.

It's Always Uncomfortable After...

I get that marketing a product can be hard. Hell, I’m no professional and can’t judge. But, it’s a bit surprising no one put more thought into this commercial. Sure, the video looks innocent enough at first… Then you realize the guy just got done with his proctology exam. There he is getting dressed at the beginning of the commercial. He does look remarkably calm for a guy that just had a finger in his ass though…

A Friend In Need...

Some people are considered heroes for being cancer survivors. Fuck that… I’d like to introduce you to Irwin Weisbroat. This BRAVE man publically appeared in a Preparation H commercial to spread awareness about the devastating effects of hemorrhoids. Even better, he called the product a “good friend.” The threshold for being Irwin’s best friend are a little too disgusting for me to print here…

Finally! A Hemroid Treatment I Can Use in Public

If you have hemorrhoids you should probably plan accordingly. Daily activities would probably not include bike riding. Technically, this commercial isn’t for Preparation H but for a related product that allows for public use. Yeah… ew...

5 Famous American Icons… You Didn’t Know Were Unpatriotic Bastards

2010-12-07T15:39:00.000-06:00

Helen Keller… Was a Radical Socialist

For generations, students around the world were told the brave story of Helen Kelller, a blind, deaf girl that learned to read, write and speak. Today, most Americans know Helen Keller as the inspiration to that annoying song.

I said shush girl...

While Keller’s struggle to communicate and learn is a well-known story, the rest of her life tends to get downplayed. It’s probably because Helen Keller was a Godless, Communist. To be fair, Keller was a child of Marx long before the Soviet Union ruined the good name of the proletariat and A LOT of people during her time held similar views. There was even a popular socialist candidate for president.

Despite some mainstream acceptance, socialists were generally scorned and Keller was a radical. A worldwide sensation after graduating from college as the first deaf, blind person to earn a bachelor’s degree, Keller was a highly acclaimed writer and speaker. Later, when her political views became widely known the reactions were not kind. Many commentators simply dismissed her views as “mistakes sprung from the manifest limitations of her development.”

Keller shrugged off criticisms and went on to found help found the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU). She also led the first commission to study the working conditions of blind employees for the Industrial Workers of the World (IWW).

Henry Ford… Was a Nazi Sympathizer

It’s probably libelous or slander to call Henry Ford a Nazi, so I won’t. But the man was pretty damn close. Historians have noted a mutual admiration between Ford and Adolf Hitler. The carmaker was the lone American mentioned by Hitler in his prison manifesto, Mein Kampf.

Still not as anti-Semitic as Walt Disney...

What did Ford do to garner the attention of the most evil man in history? He published a few articles in The Dearborn Independent, an anti-Jewish newspaper based in Michigan and owned by Ford’s personal secretary. Well, Ford didn’t technically write anything for the paper. Instead, he allowed the editors to print articles under his name. Oh yeah, and Hitler also modeled Volkswagon on Ford’s production techniques, which would later be adapted to make planes, boats and tanks.

On the advice of many friends and business contacts, Ford closed the paper in 1927 and even apologized to the Anti-Defamation League (ADL). However, in 1938, the robber baron met with German officials in Cleveland to receive the Grand Cross of the German Eagle, the highest honor the Nazis could give a non-citizen. Certain anti-Semitic materials written by Ford are still available on neo-Nazi sites to this day.

Brigham Young… Organized a Rebellion Against the Federal Government

I’m not here to dump on your religion. (Unless you’re a Scientologist cause, you know, that’s weird….) Also, I think Mormons are pretty cool. That episode of South Park with the Mormon kid was pretty much my experience with the random Mormon families I’ve known over the years. However, Brigham Young kind of scares me…

Young was the leader of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, more commonly known as Mormonism, following the death of the faith’s founder. Early Mormons were heavily persecuted for their faith and Young responded with fierce resolve, nationality or law be damned.

Clearly doesn't give a fuck...

After settling in Utah around 1850, Young proposed establishing the State of Deseret, an autonomous region for Mormons. The area was successfully, and peacefully, incorporated into the U.S. but the real trouble was just getting started. Young was appointed governor of the area by President Millard Fillmore, giving the 50-year old control of the area’s economic, social and religious affairs.

Later, when the federal government heard rumors regarding interference with officials performing duties, James Buchanan decided to install a non-Mormon governor. Young’s immediate reaction was to organize a resistance that successfully held off federal troops for a month during the Utah War. The conflict almost ended when Young decided to burn Salt Lake City and head to Mexico. Seriously. Cooler heads prevailed and Young stepped down… without facing any consequences for his mini rebellion.

Langston Hughes… Wasn’t Not a Communist

Famed poet and author Langston Hughes spent a good deal of his adult life denying that he was a Communist. But just because you say something, doesn’t make it true.

As a writer, Hughes was not not a liar...

In 1932, Hughes was among a group of African-Americans that traveled to the Soviet Union in order to make a movie about the suffering of minorities in the United States. Hughes was also involved with a variety of Communist student organizations. (But who hasn’t been, right?)

During McCarthy era hysteria, Hughes distanced himself from past actions and even work considered to have Communist sympathies. Issues involving artistic credibility and self-censorship were common themes for Hughes at the end of his life. More politically radical work was omitted by Hughes from the 1959 release of his Selected Poems.

Aaron Burr… Fought the Law and Kind of Won

Vice president. Founding father. Murderer. Revolutionary. Aaron Burr was a lot of things and historians can’t quite decide how to label him. He was a politician, lawyer, soldier, and political philosopher. Unfortunately, history rarely bestows fame upon deserving acts of bravery and intelligence. Instead, Burr is famous for being the highest ranking American politician ever accused of murder.

Kill ONE high ranking politician and they never let you live it down...

In 1804 (following the kind of argument only 18^th century dandies could understand), Burr killed Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton. Surprisingly, killing a cabinet member wasn’t the most treasonous offense Burr ever committed. After Hamilton’s death, Burr completed his term in office then moved to Louisiana, then under the control of Spain.

His plan was to relocate armed farmers with the intent of provoking war with the Spanish government. Burr even secured the help of Andrew Jackson. Eventually, Burr was found out and tried for treason but acquitted on federal charges. Known as a kind and generous person, Burr lived the rest of his life as a lawyer in New York.

Updated List of WikiLeaks Mirrors

2010-12-06T03:17:00.000-06:00

Sorry for not posting recently. With finals, things have been hectic but I've been following the WikiLeaks story and decided to help. In short, whistle-blower site WikiLeaks is in the process of releasing 251,287 cables from the U.S. State Department. So far, the site has only released 837 of the controversial documents and the results have been explosive.

I just realized this was supposed to be oil and water...

Unfortunately for WikiLeaks, the response from governments worldwide has been to make hosting the site as complicated as possible. Right now the site is basically being supported with mirrors and is being called a test of Internet censorship. The official link to mirrors for the site is down so here's my attempt to help...

(Please send updated links to my email!)

An Updated List of WikiLeaks Mirrors

wikileaks.enzym.su
freeus.jsdev.org/
wikileaks.kafe-in.net/
wl.opsec.eu/
wikileaks.challet.eu
wl.gernox.de
wikileaks.renout.nl
wikileaks.fdn.fr
wikileaks.gonte.se
wikileaks.kaptenkong.se
leaks.gooby.org
wikileaks.dubronetwork.fr
wikileaks.perry.ch
wikileaks.sbr.im
wikileaks.u0d.de/
wikileaks.81-89-98-125.blue.kundencontroller.de/
wikileaks.joworld.net
wikileaks.chiquitico.org
wikileaks.rout0r.org
www.gruiiik.org/
wikile aks.holarse-linuxgaming.de
wl.alfeldr.de
wikileaks.huissoud.ch
wikileaks.geekview.be
wikileaks.franslundberg.com
wikileaks.krkr.eu
wl.yoltie.net
wl.ernstchan.net
wikileaks.dena-design.de
wleaks.3sge.pulsedmedia.com
wleaks.hellfire.pulsedmedia.com/
wikileaks.gonte2.nu/
leaks.stumcomie.com
wikileaks.myscripts24.de
wikileaks.now-pages.com
wikileaks.ego-world.org
cablegate.r3blog.nl
www.wikileakz.eu
wikileaks.realprogrammer.org
wikileaks.the-secret-world.info
wikileaks.rtjuette.de/
wikileaks.rustigereigers.nl
mirror1.wikileaks.lu/
mirror2.wikileaks.lu/
internaluse.net
wikileaks.r00t.la
wikileaks.cordover.id.au/
brd.mc bf.net
wikileaks.1407.org/
azow.selb.us
wikileaks.furdev.org
wikileaks.datkan.net/
wikileaks.threefingers.ca
wikileaks.brenne.nu/
wikileaks.hutonline.nl/
vm8157.vps.tagadab.com
nl1.wikileaksmirror.nl
wikileaks.xcplanet.com
www.wikileaks.nw-ds.com/
wikileaks.infinium.org.uk
peoplerule.info
wikileaks.marktaff.com
wikileaks.hmaks.com

3 Dream Jobs... That Might Actually Kill You

2010-11-24T16:01:00.000-06:00

A lot of people hate their jobs. In fact, if you're under the age of 25, you statistically hate your job. Roughly 61 percent of Americans in this demographic say they hate their jobs, according to an MSNBC poll. Another poll from CareerBuilder.com says 4 in 5 Americans don't have what they would consider their "dream" job.

Statistically, most Americans are also under qualified to operate this machine...

The remaining 20 percent of Americans that managed to find employment in positions they find engaging and fulfilling might seem lucky. But it turns out they're doomed bastards. While manning the fryer at Mickey D's might have any number of negative aspects (ie grease splash back), most jobs don't cause the deaths of employees (probably). It turns out, any number of the jobs you dream about during boring conference calls might just lead to your death. For example...

Ice Cream Taster

The dream job for nearly any 8 year old, ice cream tasters are responsible for quality control. Tasters spend entire days shoveling ice cream down their gullets while monitoring taste, texture and consistency between batches of products. Securing a job as an ice cream taster is much harder than many people think, though not because of competition for positions. Most applicants simply don't meet the education requirements. A lot of professionals in this field hold undergraduate or graduate degrees in food science or organic chemistry.

Individuals can get jobs as ice cream tasters through a variety of means. Burt Baskins and Irvine Robbins were in-laws that owned separate ice cream parlors in California. The men eventually decided to join together and created the Baskin-Robbins franchise. The company was pretty innovative for its time. It created the ice cream cake and was one of the first franchised food service businesses. Today, the company has over 5,800 stores worldwide. Unfortunately, the growth of the company killed one founder and led to health issues for the other.

Baskin-Robbins offers employees suspiciously impressive health benefits...

When the company was first getting started, Burt Baskin and Irvine Robbins were sticklers for quality control and flavor. This meant eating ice cream... A LOT of it. So much so that John Robbins claimed a daily overconsumption of ice cream gave his father adult onset diabetes and killed his uncle. Health issues resulting from too much sugar is a widely reported concern nowadays but past ignorance probably caused problems for others in situations similar to Baskin and Robbins.

John Robbins eventually became an author and critic of the modern convenience diet, so his commentary might be taken with a grain of salt. (He also shared this story in the controversial and sensational film, Super Size Me.) However, Baskin was only 56 years old when he died and weighed over 240 pounds. Prior to starting his first ice cream parlor, Baskin was never overweight and even served in the Navy.

Porn Actor

At some point, nearly every male has thought about a career in porn. Not only are the women attractive but the sex is generally crazier than anything performed among real couples. (And I'm pretty sure a real world threesome would be MUCH more awkward then porn leads viewers to believe...) The golden age of porn started in the 1970s and there's one reason we think every actor of the era looked like this...

I don't know what's creepier, the stache' or the hair... It's definitely not his willingness to sleep with 5 women at once.

His name is John Holmes and unless you're new to the Internet, I don't really have to explain who he is. (I will anyways...) Holmes gets remembered for his prolific porn career and his even more prolific dong.

How I feel researching this article...

Holmes, AKA Johnny Wadd, appeared in over 2,500 various porn scenes during the 1970s and 80s. Pardon the pun but Holmes was also kind of a dick. A big dick. In the early years of porn production, the legality of the industry was still debatable and Holmes was arrested for prostitution related charges. To avoid prison time, he became an LAPD informant. After years of drug addiction and decreasing notoriety, Holmes entered prostitution, taking both male and female clients. In 1986, Holmes was diagnosed with HIV and it was widely believed he contracted the virus as a result of his sexual lifestyle rather than casual drug use. Two years later, Holmes would die from AIDS related illness.

Holmes would not be the last porn actor to contract HIV or die from AIDS. Lax restrictions on condoms have lead to various outbreaks of HIV among porn actors over the years. Just between 2004 and 2010, a total of 9 porn actors have contracted HIV. In October of this year, positive HIV tests among performers lead two major studios to suspend production. One of the studios, Wicked Entertainment, is the only major producer of porn that requires performers to use condoms.

College Football Coach

College football is an institution in the United States. Some schools attract higher attendance numbers than professional teams. Colleges and universities with major athletics programs can earn millions from football teams. With so much money and pride at stake, there's a lot of pressure on college coaches to perform.

Considering that top college coaches receive annual salaries worth millions, many of you have to be wondering, "How stressful can their job really be?"

Yeah, that looks stressful...

Pretty damn stressful, it turns out. In the last year, two coaches from major football programs, Urban Meyer and Mark Dantonio, have taken leaves of absence to address health issues. What kind of health issues? Specifically, chest and heart problems which are often related to high amounts of stress. Meyer resigned following chest pains and Dantonio suffered a heart attack at the beginning of the 2010 season. Both men quickly returned to their duties, however.

These are not isolated instances either. When news of the Dantonio heart attack broke, Oklahoma State University football coach Mike Gundy (best known for this epic freak out at a press conference), stated, "Most coaches will tell you our health during the season is probably not great. I know it’s a concern for all of us. You’re seeing more (health issues) in the last few years than you ever have before."

SZF2EYRHCQFG

4 Amazing Accomplishments... Performed While High or Hammered

2010-11-23T03:04:00.000-06:00

Some of history's greatest politicians, athletes and philosophers were notorious users of drug and drink. Nowadays, a prerequisite for admission to the American Academy of Arts and Letters is completion of an authorized 12-step program.

Members receive, per capita, as many Guggenheim Fellowships as Harvard graduates...

However, many of these great individuals are usually able to get their shit together to do the things that made them great. Ernest Hemingway, while an amazing writer, is not included on this list because he was essentially drunk his entire career. This article is limited to single achievements performed by individuals that were under the influence of drugs or alcohol... And I'm not talking about the time you got an "C+" on a Calc test after downing 30 Jägerbombs the night before. Anyone would brag about these achievements, the fact they were performed while completely tossed only makes them more impressive. For example...

Kary Mullis Revolutionizes Biochemistry While Tripping Balls

A lot of famous scientists have used LSD to expand their minds. Perhaps the most famous story involves Francis Crick and the role LSD played in his discovery of the double-helix structure of DNA. That story has been repeated ad infinitum so here's the under reported tale of Kary Mullis...

To be honest, Mullis's accomplishments have been down played in recent years because he's kind of a dick. After winning the Noble Prize for Chemistry in 1993, Mullis started to use his new status to promote controversial ideas, like denying climate change. Mullis has also joined the small group of academics that deny AIDS is cause by HIV. These positions are even more baffling when you consider Mullis has NO expertise in these fields.

Also a believer in properly executed head shot technique...

Before Mullis gained public notoriety as a public douche, he was a brilliant chemist that contributed to the progress of humanity... Just kidding, actually he was a jewelry salesman that took LSD. While riding with his girlfriend, Mullis stumbled onto the idea of replicating a small strand of DNA, also known as polymerase chain reaction technique (PCR). The concept had a world of applications from AIDS testing to cloning. How did Mullis decide to utilize his ground breaking discovery? He started a jewelry company.

In interviews after winning the Noble, Mullis whined about losing his girlfriend and revealed the role of LSD in his work. In a BBC documentary, Mullis was asked if he would have discovered PCR without the use of psychedelics. "I doubt it. I seriously doubt it," Mullis replied.

Pope Leo XIII Engages in Diplomatic Relations... With a Pocket Full of Cocaine

It's really hard to blame the people of the late 19th century for developing an intense fondness for cocaine. The substance has proven to be tremendously addictive but early users can be forgiven for being unaware of the health and psychological dangers associated with regular use. Major figures at the time were advocates of cocaine and their positions are well documented.

Yes, yes I can write prescriptions...

Another BIG early fan of cocaine was Pope Leo XIII. Before you get the idea of an major Catholic figure snorting lines of blow off a mirror (I know that's what I was thinking), Pope Leo actually drank coca wine. If you some how think that's different than modern use you're right but Leo was a pretty big fan of the stuff. How big?

The religious leaders that endorse my drugs all have dreads...

Yup, that's Pope Leo serving as a pitch man for Vin Mariani, the highest selling coca wine of the era. In fact, Pope Leo even awarded the wine's maker, Angelo Mariani, with a special award for benefiting man kind.

Fueled on Mariani's wine, Pope Leo embarked on lengthy diplomatic voyages. He notoriously carried around a pocket flask full of coca wine and was known to share with various dignitaries. The Pope successfully worked to improve the conditions of Catholics in countries where they received traditionally hostile treatment. Leo's diplomatic efforts successfully quelled anti-Catholic government programs and sentiments in Germany and Russia. It's hard to say whether the wine helped or hindered the Pope's efforts but the guy who comes to the party prepared is usually appreciated.

Martin Sheen Gets Drunk and Attacks Coppola

There's an accomplishment in this story some where, I swear. As many film buffs are aware, the filming of Apocalypse Now was grueling for nearly everyone involved. The filming was delayed for a variety of reasons ranging from weather to stolen payrolls. Also, Martin Sheen suffered a heart attack which required his brother to fill in as a narrator and body double.

It's definitely arguable whether any of these issues took away from the end product. In fact, certain things might have made the film better, like Martin Sheen's alcohol problem. Quick question: Does Sheen look hammered in the photo below?

He should because he was. That's a still from the opening scene of Apocalypse Now when a drunk Capt. Willard openly struggles with his own demons. During the shoot, Sheen showed up hammered beyond all belief and actually attacked director, Francis Ford Coppola. After quickly thanking Sheen for his commitment (I imagine), Coppola started filming. Many critics point to the scene as a prime example of the film's overall authenticity.

Drunks rarely prove to be this entertaining without hurting themselves... Sure, Sheen did cut his hand randomly shattering mirrors but, you know, it wasn't funny, unlike anything else drunk people do. Sheen later said in an interview with the Actors Studio that he was literally trying to fight his own demons while filming. If CGI had been available, who knows how bad ass that scene could've been...

Dock Ellis Throws a No No... On Acid

In recent years this story has become pretty widely reported but it's still pretty damn impressive. Dock Ellis was a baseball pitcher for various major league teams during the sixties and seventies. He won a World Series with the Pirates. He threw at Reggie Jackson. He also threw a no hitter... on acid.

Believe it or not, this man did drugs...

In later interview, Ellis would claim to have pitched every game of his major league career under the influence of one drug or another. To be fair, Ellis claims he didn't mean to pitch the game on acid. Ellis says he didn't realize he was supposed to pitch that day and took some LSD for recreation. (Full explanation here.)

The pitcher's description of the game is pretty funny. On more than one occasion, Ellis attempted to avoid hits when there was no ball. Most of Ellis's career was pretty unspectacular and he is quickly becoming more remembered for his drug induced no no than being a world champion pitcher. Further career highlights include a game where Ellis attempted to hit every batter he faced, which included Pete Rose and Johnny Bench.

The Most Mind Blowing Business Deals in History

2010-11-22T02:10:00.000-06:00

Talk to anyone that has bought a house and you'll be regaled with a story about the purchaser's business acumen. They did the research. They had the house inspected... Twice! They'll even give you a play-by-play of their poker face while they attempted to convince the Realtor the place was haunted. At the end of their opus, they get a 2 percent reduction on the escrow fee.

Think of the free miles if you put the down payment on a credit card...

While the entrepreneurial abilities of the average person are pretty minimal, the storied history of capitalism is chock full of powerful titans that manipulate markets and accumulate ridiculous fortunes.

Considering recent economic events, a massive vault of gold coins doesn't look like the worst investment strategy...

Steve Jobs might be worth $6 billion but he had to build his empire by consistently offering top quality and beautifully designed technology. If history has any value as a guide, that effort and patience to create a company is for suckers. Some people have managed to create vast, vast (read: impossible to truly fathom this level of wealth) fortunes with a little bit of foresight and a few audacious maneuvers.

JP Morgan Purchases U.S. Steel with a Napkin

JP Morgan was already fantastically wealthy by the time he convinced Andrew Carnegie to sell him the Carnegie Steel Company. Carnegie had spent the majority of his adult life transforming the company into an industrial paradigm of efficiency. The company developed no less than 17 different shovels in the attempt to make steel cheaply and efficiently.

Did you even know they made 17 different kinds of shovel?

Morgan had been hounding Carnegie for years to sell the company. One day, over lunch Morgan finally convinced Carnegie to write a number for Carnegie Steel on a napkin. After some thought, Carnegie did so. He wrote $480 million (the equivalent of $10 billion today). Deciding to be bad ass, Morgan simply agreed and signed the napkin.

Lawyers for each man had a collective brain aneurysm trying to decide the legal nuances of the situation but the whole deal was legally binding in the end. Morgan changed the name of the company to U.S. Steel. Carnegie promptly retired with his pot of gold and started a foundation that never did anything of benefit for anyone ever again.

As it turns out, Carnegie was a bit of an idiot... Well, as much as a guy who got paid $10 billion can really be considered an idiot. Pondering the kind of hypothetical question that doesn't need to be asked, Carnegie asked Morgan what he would have done if the number on the napkin had been $1 billion.

"I would have signed it," Morgan reportedly said.

Sucker...

Carnegie and his foundation were alright in the long run. Today, the charity's endowment is roughly $3 billion. Basically, they're still trying to spend the fortune of a man who died 90 years ago.

Most of Russian Nickel Industry Given to Mikhail Prokorov... Because He Asked for It

Some people work hard for their money. Others are blessed with skill and the ambition to capitalize on their talents. The best type of person, however, is simply in the right place at the right time. If you're truly lucky, the Dark Lord somehow blesses you with a mix of all three... Mikhail Prokhorov happens to be one of these lucky bastards.

On the other hand, his style choices are rather unfortunate...

Having received a degree from the Moscow Finance Institute, Prokorov was one of the few individuals in the Soviet Union with an understanding of international finance markets as Communism fell in the early 1990s. The chaos resulting from the regime shift created opportunities for a lot of people to get rich. The government quickly privatized state nickel mining operations into a corporation that started hemorrhaging money.

A few years later, Prokhorov oversaw the acquisition of the company, Norilsk Nickel, for a conglomerate he controlled along with a partner. "Oversaw the acquisition" might overstate the nature of deal. Norilsk Nickel was basically given to Prokhorov to manage. In short order, the company proved to be a cash machine.

Prokhorov proved his luck, yet again in 2007, after disputes with his partner, Vladimir Potanin, convinced him to sell his 25 percent stake in Norilsk. The timing proved to be freaky lucky since the price of industrial commodities fell due to the economic recession. In total, Prokhorov is worth in excess of $18 billion. Now Prokhorov spends his time as an owner of the New Jersey Nets and hanging with Jay-Z.

The Hunt Brothers Buy The World's Available Silver

Not all of the mind blowing deals on this list resulted in fantastic fortunes. By losing a lot of money and still living the high life, you prove just how wealthy you really are...

Things must be rough if they had to get rid of the motor...

In financial history, the day is known as Silver Thursday and it's important for a number of reasons. On March 27, 1980 the price of silver fell below the minimum level necessary for two brothers, Nelson and Herbert Hunt, to cover their margin requirements. Over the previous year, the brothers had been attempting to corner the silver market and purchased a lot of silver of credit.

Same basic concept...

This might not have been too serious if the Hunt brothers hadn't owned a third of the world's available silver supply. The wealthy sons of a billionaire Texas oil magnate, the brother's were attempting to use dad's fortune to create a stack of their very own. The scheme back fired and the Hunt's were unable to cover their positions. The event almost brought down Prudential Securities.

Ultimately, the brothers got investigated, fined and bailed out by the government. The Securities and Exchange Commission passed rules preventing the ability of traders to purchase commodities positions on margin.

The family lost a substantial amount of money in the eighties through poor investment strategies, presumably based on various super villain techniques. If you've ever wondered what happens when people go from riches to "rags", the answer is simple: They're still rich. In 1999, Nelson Hunt purchased $2 million dollars worth of horses and ponies. Why? "I just want to have some fun."

These guys are true studies in successful failure...

4 Elite Intelligence and Special Forces Groups Ignored By Modern Media

2010-11-21T02:01:00.000-06:00

When Call of Duty: Black Ops was released on November 9, the game quickly became one of the fastest selling in history. In recent years, video games based on actual historical events and real military units have become increasingly popular.

This is replacing Physical Education in many American schools...

Modern forms of media love to detail the exploits of elite soldiers, like the Green Berets, Navy SEALs and Delta Force. Rambo was a Green Beret. So were John Wayne and George Takei. Even Charlie Sheen served his country as a Navy SEAL

Believe it or not, Sheen gets VA benefits because of this role...

Unfortunately for our love of elite super soldiers, the idea that a few organizations are responsible for the entire defense of a super power is completely ridiculous. The skills needed to effectively operate special forces campaigns involve A LOT more organizations than Hollywood or any first person shooter would have you believe...

Gomer Pyle, however, was a shockingly accurate depiction of the Marine Corps...

Even worse is the sin committed against the freaky number of intelligence agencies that get screwed out of credit by oversimplification. If you were to believe everything you saw in a movie, you'd think the CIA and NSA were super organizations capable of damn near anything...

The most realistic depiction of a spy on screen in years... Seriously.

To pay tribute to these kick ass (and under appreciated organizations), here's a list of elite American special forces groups ignored by movies, books and video games:

Long Range Reconnaissance Patrol (LRRPs)

Regardless of what M*A*S*H might have you believe, the United States Army is full of bad asses, especially during the Vietnam War. Among a group of bad asses, the Long Range Reconnaissance Patrol LRRPs (pronounced "lurp") took the concept to a new, meta level of bad assness.

The LRRPs were responsible for coordinating air strikes against North Vietnam. This might sound like boring work but it was some of the most dangerous and least glamorous duties in the military. LRRP soldiers operate deep in enemy territory, often alone and without firearms.

The only documented photo of a LRRP soldier at work...

Along with a radio, many LRRP soldiers only carried knifes and chains wrapped with duct tape. (The tape reduced noise.) More bombs were dropped on North Vietnam than the entirety of World War II, so the LRRPs were obviously successful.

After the war, the duties of the LRRPs were assigned to the 75th Ranger Regiment, which proudly continues their traditions and techniques to this today.

The Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA)

An organization responsible for gathering and analyzing military intelligence, the Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA) reports directly to the Joint Chiefs of Staff. While the Central Intelligence Agency is charged with safe guarding national security interests outside of the U.S., the DIA gathers any and all information necessary for defense planning and policymaking.

Officers and analysts involved with the DIA are involved in some of the most vital areas of national defense, like keeping tabs on nuclear proliferation attempts by North Korea and Iran. The agency isn't without its flaws since some of the evidence it provided was used to justify the invasion of Iraq in 2003.

United States Air Force Pararescue

The Para Jumpers, also known as "PJs", are tasked with the shitty assignment of entering hostile territory with the intention of rescuing military or civilian personnel. Occasionally, the PJs have been used by NASA to retrieve astronauts after water landings.

Day One Training: How Not to Fall from a Helicopter...

Air Force PJs are understandably underrated bad asses since their exploits don't involve assassination, explosions or any other opportunities for cool slow motion action shots. The PJs have been recognized as one of the most highly decorated units in the military. A total of 12 Air Force Crosses have been awarded to the PJs (out of 22).

The National Reconnaissance Office

The National Security Agency gets all of the credit but the National Reconnaissance Office (NRO) does all the work. While the NSA is tasked with monitoring pretty much all electronic surveillance, the NRO is responsible for constructing, designing and operating spy satellites. One of the 16 U.S. intelligence agencies, the NRO was created in 1960 and considered "super secret" until declassified in 1992. The New York Times actually revealed the existence of the agency some years earlier though.

Simple Inventions You Won't Believe Are Modern Developments

2010-11-20T02:01:00.000-06:00

Sure, human history is jam packed with examples of clever and ingenious inventions. From the wheel to the transistor, a million inventions and innovations fueled the progress of society.

If you need further proof of man's ability to improvise... Just look at this. That was artist Jamie O'Shea creating a telegraph using Stone Age technology.

You wouldn't get this far...

While there's little historical evidence for a caveman Samuel Morse, evidence proves primitive man was more technology capable than modern audiences usually think...

Ancient transportation systems were remarkably advanced...

Before we start praising our genius for the iPad and HDTV, it's good to be reminded of everyday items we take for granted. Unfortunately for our collective ego, these inventions are surprising recent.

It might seem like a quibbling criticism of humanity but keep in mind the list of inventions that precede some of these simple, common everyday items: airplanes, automobiles, telephones.

For example...

Drinking Straws Weren't Invented Until 1888

Put your lips on one end and suck, it seems simple enough...

INSERT INNUENDO HERE

However, the simple drinking straw took mankind multiple millennia to figure out. Before then, people used grass stems or nothing at all. The first drinking straw was created in the late 19th century by Marvin C. Stone and was made out of paper.

Today, there are a variety of straws that actually have different functional purposes. For an overview of different kinds of drinking straws (I seriously doubt ANYONE will find it interesting) go here...

The Ballpoint Pen Was Finally Created in 1938

Writing clear, handwritten communications was a problem for much of history. Even with life long practice, letters and documents that used quills or fountain pens were inevitably splotched with ink. Despite this issue, inventors didn't get around to creating a ballpoint pen for mass, commercial use until 1938. A newspaper editor, Lazlo Biro, held the first patent on the modern point pen along with his chemist brother.

The First Door Knob Was Patented in 1878

The door knob is so completely ubiquitous it is almost impossible to think of a world without them. While historians (ie Wikipedia) claim that door knobs were used earlier in the 19th century, the first patent wasn't issued until 1878. Technically, Osbourn Dorsey filed a patent for improvement on an existing door closing device but his application with the U.S. is recognized as the first industrial design of the modern door knob.

Condiment Sachets (AKA Ketchup Packets) Weren't Introduced Until 1990

Reading this list, there's some comfort in hindsight... Well, abandon all hope of that notion. Some of you reading this might have been old enough to create and profit from the condiment sachet, more commonly known as the ketchup packet.

Fast food restaurants did not introduce this industry staple until 1990. Even more embarrassing, the development didn't come from the Mecca of the Quick Burger, the United States. Instead, the condiment sachet was created by the lovable Aussies, which are basically Americans with better/more beach front property.

Lazy Engineers Finally Create The First Prototype Electric Refrigerator

Again, this one might be reaching a little since available technology didn't always allow for invention of the electric refrigerator. However, it is a bit surprising the development didn't happen sooner. The first instance of artificial refrigeration was demonstrated in the middle 18th century by a professor in Scotland. Even the ice maker was created in 1850. The first commercial air conditioner was created in 1902. It wasn't until 1922 that electric refrigerators made their first appearance.