Critical Flop

"Going Rogue" Book Review

noreply@blogger.com (Critical Flop) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 18:45:00 +0000

"Going rogue: An American life" by Sara Palin (and some other writer i think) is my new faverite book and is right next to "Fighting for the American dream" (Joe the Plumber's autobiography written by Thomas N. Tabback) on my bookshelf. Right from the first page she talks about the great alaskan halibut tacos and reindeer sausage and how good it smells. Former Vice President Cannadate Sara shows us how she is "going rogue" (rogue is the French word for "red" like red states which you can see by the color of the shirt she is wearing on the cover, but I don't know why she chose French since they are gay cowards.) Sara covers a lot in this book like how all the gotcha media does is 1) spread lies about her and 2) talk about how sara says the media is spreading lies about her - indeed it makes you wonder if when the gotcha media reports that Sara said the media is lying about her if they are lying about that too!

Former sports reporter and great alaskan governer Sara also talks about how she is just from "Main Street" and not "Wall Street", a hard-working american women with a bunch of kids including one that has retarded needs. She is not the "elite" she is a true mediocre american. Of coarse, this is why the librals all hate her and probaly also because her son is a troop fighting for there right to say how they dont want the troops to fight for they're right to free speech against the troops who are fighting for there right to even say that. Librals are really scared of Sara because they know she will win the president next time. Sara is not part of the "washington crowd", no sir. She is an outsider and she doesnt have political motives like the good old boys club she just wants to do whats best, for america. I thought to myself when reading "no more politicks as usual! we need more of the same!"

Hockey mother Sara also calls america the greatest cuntry in the world. "Cuntry first!"

Former Gas Comissioner Sara doesnt just talk about politicks though. The book is also an eye opening look into her personal life. No she didnt go to some ivory league school and get a PhD in "Roads Scholar. " She went to real american main street schools and got her degree in being a american which the librals should try some time. Eventully she met Tod and they got married (not some gay marrage either). They have 5 beutiful childrens: Field, Bristles, Maple, Pippen, and Trigonometry. Bristles also has a beutiful children named Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston (also name of a law firm). Sara is a bible-beleiving Christian and faith is very importent to her. She says that godless librals are taking God out of everything and even moving "in God we trust" to the outer edge of coins! Now even quarters will be Godless! Thanks Obama or should I say "Hoosane" LOL.

In conclusion, Going Rouge is the greatest book in the history of the world. I had a hard time deciding if i liked Going Rogue or Fighting for an American Dream, the Autobiography of Joe the Plumber by Thomas N. Tabback (with Joe the Plumber) better. Each one is about a great american and how a person that is not really smart can still do smart people things and make a big differance!! I think I like Go Rouge better though because Sara has a real chance to be president and i think joe the plumber went back to unclogging toilets overflowing with shitwater.

Greg Oden announces retirement

noreply@blogger.com (Critical Flop) — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 19:28:00 +0000

At a press conference in Portland earlier today, Trailblazers center Greg Oden announced that he is calling an end to his basketball career. At just 20 years of age, Oden became the youngest player ever to retire from the NBA. Plagued by all sorts of injuries and health issues as both a college and professional player, Oden said in no uncertain terms that it is time for him "to just fucking retire already."

The first overall pick in the 2007 NBA draft, Oden did not play a single game last season after undergoing microfracture surgery on his knee. In the opening game of the current 2008 season, a rehabilitated Oden sprained his foot and is expected to miss up to three more weeks. However, based on his medical history, the Trailblazers team doctor predicted that Oden will probably strain his calf muscle or tear the labrum in his right shoulder during his first game back, and recommended that he never play basketball or engage in any sort of physical activity ever again. "I got to do what Doc says," said Oden, explaining his decision to retire and stay retired. "I've heard too many stories about guys' careers getting cut short because they didn't follow their doctor's advice. I don't want to be one of those stories."

The newest foot injury is the most recent in a long history of physical setbacks that have kept Oden off the court. As a both a Trailblazer and Buckeye, he has suffered from an endless variety of injuries and other health problems, such as a broken wrist, twisted ankle, and tonsillectomy. Add to that a torn MCL, pulled hamstring, broken nose, bruised ribs, concussions, scratched cornea, collapsed lung, epilepsy, lyme disease, ruptured aneurysm and consequent subarachnoid brain hemorrhaging, ergophobia, Prinzmetal's angina, hip replacement, scoliosis, vertigo, rabies, polio, tuberculosis, cholera, heart failure, and death.

Oden retires as the most statistically unproductive first overall draft pick in NBA history, with 0 points, 5 rebounds, and 1 block. "I don't think the numbers do Greg justice. He has meant and done a lot for this organization. That block was huge. He really got a piece of it. Did you see it? I mean, wow, move over, Mutombo!," said Trailblazers general manager Kevin Pritchard. "But I won't lie. We were hoping to get a little more out of him."

"I'll leave Portland with many great memories," said a teary-eyed Oden. "That block. Eating hot dogs on the sideline at the Rose Garden. Um... did I mention the block? Yo I got a piece of that shit!"

When asked for comment, NBA commissioner David Stern said, "I remember that great block he had back in... last week, was it? Anyway, he certainly looks old enough to retire."

Caption this Photograph

noreply@blogger.com (Critical Flop) — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 16:58:00 +0000

Can you think of a funny caption for this picture? You'll find mine below...

"Sen. Obama was not amused by John McCain's impersonation of Trig Palin."

The Slippery Slope

noreply@blogger.com (Critical Flop) — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 20:43:00 +0000

If you have spent a fair amount of time trying to figure out this government bailout plan in recent weeks, you may have heard some conservatives who opposed it warn that it could be the beginning of a "slippery slope" to socialism. Really? Even many, if not most, of those who favor the bailout plan do so reluctantly or are rightly concerned about its application and effectiveness. I think to talk about a slippery slope to socialism is to ignore or minimize this general wariness.

In any case, there are two ways to avoid sliding down the slippery slope. One obviously is to wear a good pair of rock climbing shoes. Another is to just rationally analyze each case independently, as they appear. The people who support this bailout are not necessarily making any statement about the superiority of socialism over private control, they are recognizing this one particular crisis, in large part caused by unchecked private enterprise, which they believe is so great as to require government intervention. The slippery slope to socialism comes up often with regard to calls for national health care too, even though roads, law enforcement, firefighters, parks, libraries, and the military are already government-run. The way some people panic about the consequences of national health care, you'd think we would all be slaving away in a gulag within a couple years of its enactment.

Another group of people who love the slippery slope argument are opponents of gay marriage. "Well, if you let two gay people get married, what's next? Polygamous marriage? State-sponsored incest? A man and a horse getting hitched? A man and a toaster?" But all of this ignores that proponents of gay marriage do have a criterion supporting their view that can be applied individually to any case. For most, that criterion would probably be something like "two consenting adults." Slippery slope is often a lazy and absurd form of argument. Let's be reasonable, nobody is lobbying for interspecies marriage, and nobody ever will.

When you really think about it, the slippery slope argument can be employed for any law that is enacted, taking it to its extreme, irrational end, and ignoring nuances and common moral standards that expose how ridiculous these arguments are. Outlaw slavery? Whoa! Next thing you know, the government will take away all of our property and we won't own ANYTHING. No more death penalty? Great, now every convicted murderer is going to walk free. Courts are prohibited from displaying the ten commandments? If you're a Christian, better get out of this country before you're thrown in jail for your beliefs.

Think of each issue as a mountain with two opposing slippery slopes. Going back to national health care, some argue that it could be the beginning of a dangerous descent into socialism. But is this argument any more valid than one that says privatizing health care could start a dangerous trend towards completely unregulated capitalism? Is privatizing a business going down the slippery slope towards anarchy? It works both ways.

Larry King Buried Alive By Accident

noreply@blogger.com (Critical Flop) — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 04:46:00 +0000

The still-living body of CNN anchor Larry King was exhumed from its grave in Green-Wood Cemetery in Brooklyn earlier today after he was mistakenly buried alive. King had been pronounced dead at New York Presbyterian Hospital on Saturday and was interred Tuesday afternoon. A man walking by King's grave this morning heard what sounded like a muffled human voice coming from beneath the ground and immediately reported it to the cemetery's supervisor. Apparently King, who is occasionally delusional, was unaware that he was buried in the earth. The excavators, who expected King to be screaming for help, said that they instead heard him calmly saying things like "We'll be right back with more from comedian Bill Maher, don't go away" from inside his coffin. Family members who reported King's death claimed that he wasn't breathing and had no heartbeat, in addition to being "hunched over like a jumbo shrimp." But it is probable that his heart was actually still beating at its normal four beats per minute. King, pictured at left with his great-granddaughter, will return to hosting Larry King Live tomorrow.

[CORRECTION: The above blurb identifies the woman pictured with Larry King as his great-granddaughter. It is actually his wife, Shawn Southwick.]

Obama Puts Country Seventh

noreply@blogger.com (Critical Flop) — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 21:45:00 +0000

At this year's Republican National Convention, one of the major themes was "putting country first." Some critics on the left resented the implication that Democratic nominee Barack Obama does not put his country first. Now, however, evidence has surfaced that suggests Obama not only doesn't put country first, he puts it as low as seventh. The following was written on a crumpled piece of paper found in the wastebasket in Obama's Senate office:

"The Order in Which I Put Things:

1. Me
2. Empty rhetoric
3. Michelle's juicy ass
4. Teaching kindergarteners how to suck and fuck
5. "Community organizing" LOL
6. Baked beans, the ones with the smoked bacon flavor
7. Country I guess
8. Appearing on the Ellen DeGeneres show, man she is fucking annoying!"

"I can't say this is very surprising. Look at Sen. Obama's record," said McCain campaign spokesman Tucker Bounds. "He has consistently shown that he is just another member of the me-first, country-seventh, baked beans-sixth, do-nothing Washington crowd. We don't even know what 'country' he was referring to. Germany? Indonesia?"

Bounds further emphasized that McCain always puts his country before himself. "If Sen. McCain had to choose between, you know, like, just relaxing on his patio, and eradicating terrorism, you better believe he would eradicate terrorism first, and only sit on his patio later if he had time."

For his part, Sen. Obama denied that he wrote the list, adding he is unaware how it ended up in his wastebasket. However, he did not deny that he thinks Ellen DeGeneres is annoying.

"Another Movie" Flops, Critics Say It Needed A Comical Breakdancing Scene

noreply@blogger.com (Critical Flop) — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 17:11:00 +0000

Another Movie, the newest spoof film from the writers of Date Movie, Epic Movie, and Disaster Movie, badly underperformed in its opening weekend, grossing only $2.8 million. Although the previous spoof films of writers Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer did much better at the box office, critics say Another Movie has one fatal flaw: no scenes of characters breaking out into humorously unexpected breakdancing battles.

"Remember in Meet the Spartans when the Spartans started breakdancing? Oh my god, that was so hilarious! Real Spartans didn't breakdance!," commented film critic Roger Ebert. "And then in Disaster Movie they had the Juno character break it down. Have you ever seen something so goddamn fucking funny? A pregnant white girl breakdancing? I know you didn't see that one coming!"

Although Another Movie had numerous tired, recycled jokes and uncreative references to celebrities with unstable lifestyles, it evidently was not enough to compensate for the complete absence of scenes portraying breakdancing by characters that you would not typically expect to be capable of breakdancing.

Another Movie came fast on the heels of Disaster Movie, which premiered only two weeks ago and is also failing at the box office. Friedberg and Seltzer said they wrote Another Movie in one 25 minute sitting, after spending a couple of hours watching the E! channel and movie trailers for recent blockbusters. "That's how we get our material and inspiration," said Friedberg. "It's pretty simple," added Seltzer. "We just take a well-known scene from a movie trailer and reenact it basically to a tee, but maybe have the character talk in a funny way or get hit by a car. I like to think of myself as a modern day Mel Brooks."

The duo also said they spent five to ten minutes trying to think of a better title, but couldn't come up with anything. They are already wrapping up their next project, Fuck the Title, Just Give Us Your Money And Attempt To Be Entertained By Our Completely Uninspired Unfunny Piece of Shit Spoof Movie Which Isn't Really A Spoof Movie Because It Just References Passing Pop Culture Phenomena And Scenes In Other Movies Without Making Any Sort of Original, Intelligent, Or Remotely Funny Observation or Comment Whatsoever, though studio executives requested that they shorten the title.

Moose Experience Important To Voters

noreply@blogger.com (Critical Flop) — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 00:18:00 +0000

A recent Gallup poll indicates that many Americans are concerned about a presidential or vice presidential candidate's knowledge and experience with moose. A surprising 84% of respondents said that the extent of a candidate's moose hunting experience could be a deciding factor in their vote (of those, half also said having children who do not play hockey could be a deal breaker). Sixty-seven percent said that they believe a candidate's ability to field dress a moose is more important than their foreign policy record. Finally, 58% said that a candidate's specific mastery of step nine of field dressing a moose (separating the anus and bladder from the carcass) is "very relevant."

Moose were one of the major themes at the Republic National Convention that concluded on Thursday. In all the speeches given by various McCain supporters, "moose" was said more than any other word with the exception of "a," "the," "country," and "first." Analysts say the importance of moose experience to voters, especially conservatives, was the primary reason for Senator McCain's pick of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his running mate, given his own relative lack of moose experience. As mayor of the small town of Wasila, Alaska, Palin split the pelvic bone of a moose using the two-axe method in record time while keeping the genitals intact and avoiding cutting the urinary tract, which could result in the release of urine and taint the meat.

Democratic nominee Barack Obama has been criticized by some for his inability to shoot and kill large mammals and properly preserve their meat (as well as the fact that none of his daughters play hockey). "While Obama was in Illinois doing nothing but helping out poor communities and spouting lofty, empty rhetoric about this and that, Sarah Palin was cutting the remaining moose tissue holding the diaphragm to the back of the chest wall, thereby freeing the major organs from the carcass," said Mike Gremski, a hunter and McCain-Palin supporter. "I wonder if he's ever even shot a raccoon going through his garbage."

Palin has announced her intention to challenge Democratic vice presidential rival Joe Biden to a moose field dressing contest for their first debate.

McCain Talks Tough On Hurricanes

noreply@blogger.com (Critical Flop) — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 22:10:00 +0000

Republican presidential candidate John McCain says he will "seek and destroy any hurricane that poses a threat to America." Democratic nominee Barack Obama was also questioned about his stance on hurricane issues during the recent "Weather Values Forum" hosted by Good Morning America weatherman Sam Champion. In light of the devastation caused by Hurricane Katrina three years ago, and the recent threat posed by Gustav, the candidates' positions on hurricanes could be a deciding factor for many voters along the eastern seaboard.

For the most part, Sen. McCain kept his answers blunt and to the point, consistently expressing a zero-tolerance attitude towards hurricanes. The first question proposed by Champion was, "Do hurricanes exist? And if so, do we ignore them, do we negotiate with them, do we contain them, or do we defeat them?" Without missing a beat, McCain sternly replied, "We defeat them" and was met with thunderous applause from the audience. "And let me tell you something, friends. If I am president, I will personally travel in a dinghy to the west coast of Africa and kill them before they travel a single mile. Before they even reach tropical storm status."

Obama also conceded that hurricanes do in fact exist, but seemed to suggest that defeating them is not possible. "I think what we need to focus on is better protecting those areas vulnerable to hurricane damage, as well as ensuring that government will respond in a timely manner with aid and relief. We of course cannot control the actions of hurricanes, or in any way apprehend or kill them. Nor do I think, in spite of what some of my critics claim, that trying to negotiate with hurricanes would be productive. Senator McCain and his Republican allies should recall that a hurricane is wind."

McCain scoffed at Obama's "soft" attitude, emphasizing that hurricanes "hate our freedom and our way of life. They will stop at nothing to kill us. Whether a category 1 or a category 5, I will not allow it." He later clarified that he would defeat hurricanes of categories 2, 3, and 4 as well.

Host Sam Champion also asked the two nominees about their more general views on foreign storms entering America. Obama drew some jeers from the crowd when he again asserted that storms and weather patterns are unpredictable and uncontrollable, even citing the work of prominent meteorologists. He further emphasized the importance of protection and relief efforts. McCain, for his part, said that as senator he has stood firm on this issue, repeatedly proposing legislation to ban all foreign storms from crossing US borders, with stiff penalties for illegal storms. He plainly stated that his administration "would not tolerate cyclones, thundershowers, or low pressure systems of any kind that encroach on American borders. Every raindrop and every gust of wind will be brought to justice. I don't care if it's a slight breeze or a strong gale."

In interviews following the forum, most audience members said that they were more impressed with McCain's answers than Obama's. "Mr. McCain just tells it like it is," said Alan Walsh, a lifelong Republican. "He is strong and direct. Obama is so wishy-washy. There is no time to think about the issue. We must act now and defeat hurricanes."

"Senator McCain showed that he knows what to do and how to get it done," said Peter Werthstein, who lives in Miami. "What experience does Obama even have with hurricanes? I don't recall too many making landfall in Illinois. If Obama is elected, I will be moving as far inland as possible."

With months left in the campaign, this surely will not be the last time that the two candidates clash over the issue of hurricanes.

My exchange with a fundamentalist

noreply@blogger.com (Critical Flop) — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 23:06:00 +0000

While we're on the topic of religion, I got into an exchange with a self-proclaimed "fundamental evangelical" who calls himself Righteous Randy on a message board on imdb.com. I was just fucking around with him, but he seemed to take me seriously up to a point, then ultimately gave up on me. I liked his initial description of hell, pretty unique. And since I do write some satire on this blog, let me make clear that this is a real conversation I had, transcribed word for word. Here is the transcript:

Righteous Randy: I'm a Fundamental Evangelical and proud of it.

Me: OK, simmer down, you're getting a little randy.

RR: I like your sense of humor. Do you believe that Jesus was violently murdered for your sins?

Me: My sins? Not really, considering I wouldn't exist for another 2,000 years.

RR: Oh, I would hate to see a man of your humor spend eternity in hell. If you have any questions about the love of God, feel free to ask me.

Me: But a man of my humor could really lighten up the mood in hell.

RR: You're forced to push coal for all eternity, you aren't paid and you aren't allowed to sleep. I want to save you.

Me: I actually thought it was worse than that, not that pushing coal is a hobby of mine. What happens if I refuse to push the coal? I'm already in Hell, I don't think any further punishment will be a big deal to me. I don't really mind not getting paid either because what am I going to spend the money on down there? I don't have to pay rent do I? Anyway, I purposely wouldn't so I would get evicted. And they can't keep stopping you from sleeping. At some point you're just going to pass out and be unresponsive from extreme fatigue. And does Hell seriously still have a coal-based economy? That's so bad for the environment, Satan should propose switching to cleaner alternatives.

RR: IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT!

Me: It doesn't? Sorry, I'm just trying to understand. Also, if I'm not getting paid then I don't have to pay taxes to Satan, do I? If so, do I have to fill out a new W-2 form down there or does the one I use on Earth just transfer over? I'm confused!

RR: Living in hell is living without God, that is the tax that has been put upon you. Your soul literally cries out every waking second for salvation, but you have denied God and you are now being denied by God.

Me: Wait so do I have to fill out a separate form for the "living without God" tax? Is that like the WD-40 or something like that? I feel like I've heard it before but I can't quite remember. Damn bureaucracy! Even in the afterlife LOLZ!

RR: I take it back. You aren't worth the attempt to save, I have no interest of saving you. Heaven will be better off without you. This is goodbye.

Me: That's fucked up Randy! Just for that, I'm accepting Jesus' offer of salvation. See you in heaven bitch! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

RR: I hope you are being honest. PRAISE THE LORD! Amen.

Me: Eh, now that I think about it, you might be right-- heaven would be a better place without me. I don't want to spoil it for everybody. OK so fuck it, back to hell. Later. PS - Get back to me about those tax forms when you get the chance.

RR: I will pray for you.

Me: OK, when you talk to God, can you relay some of those questions I asked you? He must have some knowledge of the tax laws in Hell. Also ask him if he recommends any restaurants down there, preferably one with good cold hors d'oeuvres and air conditioning!

[This is where Randy stopped responding to me]

More blasphemy

noreply@blogger.com (Critical Flop) — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 22:23:00 +0000

This is my response to Joe's comment on my previous post:

Again, I don't fully discount the possibility of some unobservable force/entity, something outside the realm of science. But the thing is, if it outside the realm of science, then that means we cannot observe or measure it, so how can we ever know it exists? Our only way to know anything about our universe is by using our senses. And if we CAN use our senses to evaluate evidence supporting the existence or nonexistence of this thing, then it IS in the realm of science. So maybe something outside the realm of science exists, maybe it doesn't, but by definition we can never know one way or the other.

And it goes without saying that it is ridiculous to make the leap from, "I just can't believe that there isn't more to this life than what is in front of us" to "Therefore, Jesus Christ is the son of God who was born of a virgin 2,000 years ago and walked on water and healed lepers before dying for our sins and being resurrected and he has a list of things he does not want you to do but it's OK to do them if you say you're sorry afterwards but the one thing he won't forgive is rejecting or disbelieving his offer of eternal salvation which leaves him no choice but to throw you into a lake of fire for all eternity."

I don't think those particular details, or the details of other faiths like Judaism and Islam, are well substantiated by the sight of a beautiful waterfall. And I'm sure you'd agree with that much.

Also, all the beauty you find in the world is completely subjective, and I actually think it is totally explainable through science. I mean it makes sense intuitively that we would find beauty and comfort in a world that we evolved to survive in. That's why I think many people who live in urban areas get that itch to get out of the city and into somewhere more natural and undisturbed-- because that is the type of environment our predecessors lived in for millions of years. It's a relic of an instinct that evolved long ago. I don't see it as evidence of anything else.

That said, there are still mysteries that science has not (yet?) provided much of an explanation for. And I think the two biggest ones are human consciousness and self-awareness, and the simple question of why anything exists at all. The latter question will probably remain a mystery forever. Did the universe just always exist? No beginning, no end? It's impossible for us to wrap our heads around the concept of something that has always existed without having a beginning (and some religious people use this as justification for believing in God-- apparently unaware that they are contradicting themselves by claiming God has always existed... if God can always exist, why can't the universe? They're just adding another unknown to the equation, explaining nothing).

Attacks on Atheism

noreply@blogger.com (Critical Flop) — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 05:27:00 +0000

I am, for all intents and purposes, an atheist. No, I do not and cannot completely discount the existence of anything beyond the physical realm. But as of now I see no particular evidence for anything of the sort. At the very least, I am completely unconvinced of the truthfulness of any of the major religions (Christianity, Judaism, Islam, etc.) and cannot see how, even if one believes in a "higher power," that they could subscribe with any certainty to one of these particular religions. Religions that all have an equal amount of supporting evidence: none. Hence, the concept of "faith," or, "believing in something in spite there being no evidence of its truthfulness." Let's be honest, there is no more evidence that Jesus was born of a virgin and resurrected than that Poseidon caused hurricanes... yet interestingly not too many people today blame Katrina on the wrath of Poseidon.

Though I've never personally been confronted by an evangelical asserting my wickedness, I have read many arguments against atheism. It's interesting that these arguments never seem to distinguish between veracity and worldly or social consequences. They disregard the fact that, even if, for example, adherence to Christianity was necessary for people to behave in morally proper ways (it's not), this would still say nothing about whether it makes truthful claims about the reality of our universe.

Anyway, one common argument against atheism (but really only its social consequences, not its veracity) invokes the terror perpetrated by the likes of rulers like Hitler, Stalin, and Mao Zedong. For the sake of argument, let's ignore the fact that it's pretty well documented that Hitler was not actually an atheist. We'll just pretend he was, because I'm going to show you it didn't matter anyway.

Cockbags like Hitler and Stalin murdered millions of innocent people and many proponents of religion like to blame it on the fact that they were atheists (because no atrocities have ever occurred in the name of religion). For many religious people, the Holocaust is a perfect example of what happens when religion is thrown out the door and atheism prevails.

But was it really a lack of belief in god that caused these atrocities? No. It was a positive belief in something else entirely. Hitler and his cohorts propagated the irrational dogma that Jews and other different "races" of people were inferior and a threat to the purity and survival of the German race.

Can you see the amazing irony in religious people using these ruthless dictators in arguments against atheism? Hitler and Stalin were successful because they appealed to people using irrational dogmas... unfounded worldviews that fashion themselves immune to all inquiry and criticism. This sounds familiar.

It's glaringly obvious that atheism was not the issue. Atheism is merely a consequence of a rational worldview that relies on reason and evidence. Reason and evidence. Two things completely shunned by religion... and two things completely shunned by the dogmas of Hitler, Stalin, and Mao.

Clearly the real problems arise when reason, not religion, is thrown out the door. Religion is but one type of irrational dogma among many others... albeit one that has historically been afforded far too much immunity from criticism.

Along these lines, I highly recommend the book "The End of Faith: Religion, Terror, and the Future of Reason" by Sam Harris, an atheist, great writer, and highly intelligent person. He also writes about the issue I addressed in this post, among many other things.

OH MY GOD I'M MISSING A PAGE OF LECTURE NOTES FROM 4 MONTHS AGO!

noreply@blogger.com (Critical Flop) — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 02:51:00 +0000

My friend from college, Jer, who is now getting a master's degree at BU, just made a post on his blog that included an observation about how students always arrive extra early on the first day of class. He is right that so many college students are too high-strung. Besides kids who arrive unnecessarily early for class, another favorite of mine are twats who bring about 12 finely sharpened pencils to an exam, just in case they break 11 pencil points.

It all comes down to kids being conditioned to become obsessed with succeeding academically and outperforming anyone else who dares pursue an education and career as well. I did pretty well in school, but miraculously I still went to class at a reasonable time (such as after sunrise), didn't look at my fellow students through the lens of a savage warrior hellbent on annihilating the opposition, brought (at most) 2 pens or pencils to an exam, and didn't worry about a B+ dooming me to a life of poverty.

Stop stressing out about everything you high-strung bastards.

Chris Berman Tribute to Jim McKay "A Bit Flippant"

noreply@blogger.com (Critical Flop) — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 18:15:00 +0000

BALTIMORE -- At a memorial tribute to the recently deceased Jim McKay last week, fellow sportscaster Chris Berman delivered a speech that some thought was less than appropriate for the occasion. Approaching the podium wearing a humorously unconventional bright blue bow tie, Berman proceeded to fill his speech with clever catch-phrases and nicknames characteristic of his broadcasting style, repeatedly referring to Mr. McKay as Jim "Mac Daddy" McKay, "Jumpin' Jim McKatydid," or Jim "I'm Okay, Are You" McKay.

Eyebrows were immediately raised and an awkward silence quickly ensued after Berman started off his speech by saying, "Back, back, back, back, back, back, DEAD!"

"I'm not opposed to a little good-natured humor in a eulogy, but I just thought the whole thing was a bit flippant," said Sean McManus, McKay's son and president of CBS Sports. "Especially when he said, 'The thrill of living... the agony of death!'" (putting a spin on McKay's trademark phrase, "the thrill of victory... the agony of defeat").

Berman noted that McKay lived all the way to "the ripe old age of 80 triple deuce," an alternative term for the number 86, adding that if he survived a few more months, he would have made it to "80-sevski," or 87. He likened McKay's life to a running back breaking free for an open-field run, exclaiming, "He could... go... all... the... way... but he doesn't! Pushed out of bounds by the Grim Reaper at the 4 yard line! An 86-year run. WHOOP! Deadskis!"

Berman made his speech short and sweet, explaining that he had to get back home and think of more words and expressions that sound similar to the names of famous athletes before his next broadcast.

Deconstructing the Obama Wave

noreply@blogger.com (Critical Flop) — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 01:31:00 +0000

At a recent rally in Philadelphia, Sen. Barack Obama was seen waving his hand. Political pundits around the country have been intensely analyzing the wave and arriving at all sorts of interpretations. What is the true meaning of this cryptic gesture? Will it cost Obama the presidency?

"It seems pretty clear that he was saluting Hitler," said Fox analyst Bill Breckendorfer. "It was a fairly casual 'Heil Hitler.' His arm isn't perfectly straight and his fingers aren't all aligned, but don't be fooled. Obama is a Nazi."

"I think he was putting his hand out so as to say 'stop," surmised Wall Street Journal columnist Roy Stangle. "Stop fighting terrorism."

"Funny how quickly these conservative critics forget the time President Bush ostensibly waved to a large crowd just a month ago," noted CNN analyst Tom Creskin.

The Obama campaign has yet to comment, but other theories abound in the media as to the true intention of Obama's sudden, unannounced extension of his arm. They include flashing a gang signal to fellow Chicago gangbangers, reaching out to shake the hand of the Rev. Jeremiah Wright, indicating to his drug dealer that he wants 5 ounces of cocaine, preparing to catch a hand grenade that he will then use to blow up a church, performing the outdated Macarena dance, and trying to summon the spirit of Muhammad to lead a worldwide jihad against infidels.

Meanwhile, in a national poll of ordinary citizens, 100% of respondents said they thought Obama was greeting his supporters at the rally.

Not your usual suspect

noreply@blogger.com (Critical Flop) — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 21:11:00 +0000

I don't know if this guy was charged with anything, but if so he looks fairly confident he'll be acquitted...

Hillary Vows To Stay In Democratic Race Until Death

noreply@blogger.com (Critical Flop) — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 16:37:00 +0000

WASHINGTON -- After clinching the Democratic presidential nomination yesterday, Barack Obama would now like to turn his attention to the general election contest with Republican opponent John McCain. But that may not be so easy. Hillary Rodham Clinton refuses to accept defeat in the Democratic race even though it is not mathematically possible for her to win a simple majority of the delegates at this point.

Sen. Clinton articulated her reasons for staying in the race during an interview on Good Morning America earlier today. "This race is not over. If I recall correctly, it's still June, the month Bobby Kennedy was-- I mean, you know, in the Democratic race 40 years ago... it was, uh, I mean, it was still really close and, um, you know, until something bad happened. Or something."

Last night was the final night of the primary season; Clinton won South Dakota while Obama took Montana and enough superdelegates to push him over the edge. Clinton initially said that she would not yet make a decision about whether to drop out of the race even though it is already over. But, after sleeping on it, she decided to stay in and keep battling Obama "until the day I die." Clinton also extended an official invitation to Obama to be her running mate.

"She's in it to win it," said Clinton campaign chairman Terry McAuliffe. "Don't be surprised if you still see Mrs. Clinton delivering stump speeches in January as Mr. Obama is being sworn in as the 44th president of the United States. She is not a quitter. This campaign will never die. Fuck you."

"Yeah, fuck you," agreed former president Bill Clinton. "And fuck Jesse Jackson. I mean Osama. Or Obama. Whichever one of those jackasses is running against my wife."

Clinton scoffed at the fact that Obama claimed victory just because he won more delegates than her. "Does Senator Obama really want to continue the outdated tradition of deciding primary contests based on who won more delegates? The type of politics as usual in Washington that we have had to endure for the last 8 years under a failed administration? What happened to all his talk about change?"

"Goddamn it, I don't want to lose!," added Clinton. "This is such bullshit!"

Obama has yet to fully respond to the surprising marks out of the Clinton campaign, at the same time poetically noting that he heard some of them "while standing in the vast shadow of an old, shuttered steel factory" as he stared off into the distance. He added that he would say more later while "standing on the well-worn steps of the old capitol building, its magnificent pillars thrusting upward toward the heavens."

Analysts say Clinton's defiant persistence, though futile, will only hurt Obama's chances in November. Meanwhile, McCain swiftly began his direct assault on Obama last night to kick off the general election race. In a speech, McCain talked about what he perceives to be Obama's major weaknesses, using the word "experience" a total of 293 times.

Fuck Sasha Vujacic

noreply@blogger.com (Critical Flop) — Fri, 30 May 2008 05:16:00 +0000

Hey, I'm live-blogging my post-game misery after Sasha "Slavic Shithead" Vujacic hit a completely meaningless three-pointer with about 0.3 of a second left in the Spurs-Lakers game tonight! Why do I care so much, other than the fact that committing such an act when your team is already safe atop the summit of victory mountain is stupid and tactless and should be punishable by death? Well, I bet on the Spurs +7.5 and Sasha's pointless summertime hijinks heave gave the Lakers an 8-point margin of victory.

I should point out that the line for the game actually opened up at +8, meaning if I had put my bet in earlier, I would have at least pushed (broke even). Now, allow me to recap some notable moments in tonight's game...

So the Spurs come out guns blazing and jump to a 17-point lead in the second quarter (covering by 24.5 points)... I'm all smiles ready to change the channel, talking about how I should have bet moneyline, no way the Spurs are going to lose this series 4-1! (even though in the back of my mind I know it's too good to be true and somehow I'll get screwed over).

Then the 2nd half meltdown begins, the type of fall from grace that the Spurs were no stranger to during the course of their playoff run. Kobe Bryant proving once again how dominant he is, automatic at the line, getting to the rim at will, not missing a shot, and when he rarely did, it would be in-and-out, probably a deliberate miss to ward off suspicion that he's half-god. Parker and Ginobili not making their presence known at all. Tim Duncan looking like a bow-legged retard at the line.

Fast forward to the last minute of the game. Spurs coming back from timeout with possession and desperately need a big three. Who better to go to than Brent Barry, who, in spite of his teammates' subpar performance, has been letting it rain throughout the night. Pass inbounded to... Duncan? Duncan... shoots a three? As you may have guessed, the ball did not manage to find its way through the basket. It wasn't so much a brick as it was a fucking cinder block. I could have made a more accurate shot from where I was sitting 3,000 miles away.

That brings us to intentional foul time. So that bullshit transpires and leaves the Lakers with an 8-point lead with seconds left... the first time the entire game that they've covered the spread. I'm ready to accept defeat when Tony Parker charges down the court and tosses up a 3-ball to cut the Laker lead to 5 with maybe 4 seconds on the clock. Holy shit! I'm gonna cover! My friend Skunk (who also got action on the Spurs) and I are going nuts dancing around the room. The Lakers inbound the ball, dribble it for a few seconds, and proceed to celebrate their great series-clinching comeback to send them to the NBA finals, right? Nope. Instead, Kobe Bryant is fouled by about 29 Spurs players (no call) and launches the ball downcourt to Sasha Vujacic, who, with literally less than a second left in the game his team up by 5, decides to shoot a three... a shot that goes in even though Vujacic is what Michael Boulton might describe as a "no-talent assclown" with a career average 5.2 ppg.

The clock runs out and the Lakers win 100-92. With that single unnecessary shot, millions of dollars across America suddenly change direction. One guy on a sports betting message board suggested that there were some courtside gamblers yelling "Just shoot it, Sasha! I got money on it!" Possible, though I think the more likely scenario is that he's just a stupid asshole who independently made a stupid asshole decision.

Good job Spurs. At this point it feels like you've been winning championships every other year ever since Dr. James Naismith nailed a peach basket to a wall. Maybe win two in a row some time?

EDIT: In the comments section, somebody noted that Sasha did it for the fans, since if the Lakers score at least 100 points and the Spurs don't, everybody in attendance gets two free Jack In The Box tacos. If that's the case, I hope Jack Nicholson's contain rotten beef (should he, with his millions of dollars, decide to use a coupon for two free tacos). I like him as an actor, but I don't need to see a shot of him standing up clapping after Kobe hits a jumper. Sit the fuck down and take your sunglasses off, you're indoors and you're not as cool as you think.

Dinner Conversation Revolves Around Mashed Potatoes For Over 15 Minutes

noreply@blogger.com (Critical Flop) — Thu, 01 May 2008 19:54:00 +0000

PORT JEFFERSON, NY -- With the table conversation quickly running dry at the Johannigans family Easter dinner, somebody needed to step up and re-energize it. As members of the family poked around at their food desperately searching their minds for a thought to vocalize, the lingering silence continued, demanding to be broken. But most were held speechless.

"I had some things passing through my mind," said Brian Johannigans 17. "But it was all inappropriate stuff. It was just a freight train of lewd and disturbing thoughts that I was powerless to stop. It's like when somebody tells you to try and not imagine a pink elephant. My first impulse was to say, 'I'm gonna shove this fucking asparagus up my ass and go rub some aloe on my balls.' I have no idea why I thought to say any of that. I really have no desire to put steamed vegetables in my ass, nor did I need to apply a salve to my testicles, let alone announce it to the table."

"I really wanted to mention how nice the weather outside was, but it had already been mentioned three or four times. I couldn't bring myself to do it," lamented Uncle Bert, who silently prayed for a thundershower to pass through and provide new fodder for weather conversation.

Finally, upon realizing that nobody had commented on the home-made garlic mashed potatoes yet, Aunt Carol saved the day.

"I just said, 'These are really delicious mashed potatoes, Barbara.'"

With this stroke of genius, the floodgates opened.

"Yeah, they're great."

"Do you have a recipe for them?"

"What kind of potatoes did you use?"

As the mashed potato conversation flowed, all Brian could think to say was, "These truly are exquisite tubers, hows about I dip my hairy balls in them? Excusez-moi, I'm going to go take a big fat shit and wipe my ass with the shower curtain."

"Again with the ass and balls, and this time with a French expression thrown into the mix," he pondered later. "I honestly don't know where these thoughts were coming from."

When the potato talk finally ran its course after 17 minutes, Uncle Bert, whose mind was by then as dry and empty as the Sonoran Desert, summoned a fake yawn and stretch, lying that he has to "wake up early for work tomorrow" and "should really get going," resisting his sister-in-law's insistence that he and his family stay for dessert.

"I had to get the hell out of there," Uncle Bert later acknowledged. "I was in no mood to make exaggerated moans of pleasure in order to convey my approval of the key lime pie."

Homeless Man Blows Savings On Booze Again

noreply@blogger.com (Critical Flop) — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 04:46:00 +0000

NEW YORK -- A homeless man in midtown Manhattan decided to spend all of his money on alcohol again early Friday morning. The man, who doesn't know his last name but thinks his first name might be Pete, used the $3.38 he collected in donations over the past week to buy a 40 ounce bottle of Mickey's malt liquor. Pete said that he hesitated to liquidate his entire savings on yet another bottle of Mickey's as he stood in a corner mart at Lexington and 53rd, almost opting to purchase an Olde English 800 instead. In the end, however, he stuck with his long-time favorite.

Manhattan residents who donated to Pete over the last week were incensed that he spent the money on alcohol. Some vowed they would never again use Pete to get rid of their annoying, cumbersome spare change.

"I'm really disappointed," said Mark Kingsley, a Wall Street trader who estimates he put as much as 63 cents into Pete's empty sytrofoam coffee cup. "I was hoping he would invest in a penny stock or something. It's time for Pat [sic] to start thinking about his future. Does he want to be homeless forever?"

"How could he be so irresponsible?," bemoaned another selfless giver, Rachel Newhouse, a hedge fund manager who completely exhausted her purse of coins of all denominations when she passed Pete on the street Wednesday afternoon. "I think I even gave him a newly minted 2007 nickel. And this is what he does with it. I'm not making the mistake of giving him any money again, that's for sure."

Other New Yorkers cited this incident as a perfect example of why they refuse to give to the homeless.

"Booze again?," said an incredulous Leopold Beckenbauer, CEO of Beckenbauer Enterprises. "See, that is why I don't give to the homeless. That, and my ravenous, insatiable appetite for money and unyielding refusal to relinquish a single penny for a purpose other than the perpetual accumulation of my own material possessions and aggrandizement of my gargantuan, imminently exploding ego. It's a combination of the two, really."

"I've always said giving to the homeless is a big mistake," said some other anonymous rich white guy as he sent an important e-mail on his Blackberry. "By doing so, you encourage them to stay homeless. If everybody stops giving money to Paul [sic], maybe he will be inspired to clean himself up, work hard, and get a real job to fund his malt liquor addiction. Hey, I pulled myself up by my diamond-studded bootstraps, albeit with a little help from my parents' trust fund."

The latest reports allege that Pete has drank about 3/4 of the Mickey's, which he is keeping in a brown paper bag to foil authorities who might otherwise issue him a summons for drinking in public; apparently, the ploy is working. "I assume it's just a two-liter of Pepsi he has in there," said NYPD Officer Ray Holmes.

Meanwhile, Sam, another one of Manhattan's homeless, is being criticized for a sign he made on a piece of corrugated cardboard which reads "homeless and traveling."

"Unbelievable," responded Brett Truman, an investment banker. "Does he really expect hard-working Americans to fund his exotic trip to the Virgin Islands or wherever he's 'traveling' to? Lousy bum."

Sylvia Browne Predicts Coming Of The Year 2008

noreply@blogger.com (Critical Flop) — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 23:29:00 +0000

NEW YORK -- With 2007 already 11 months old, people around the world are impatiently awaiting the arrival of a new year. And they won't have to wait much longer, according to popular psychic Sylvia Browne. To the delight of many, Browne declared that the year 2008 is right around the corner, even pinpointing the exact moment of its arrival: one second after 11:59:59 PM on the night of December 31.

Skeptics say anybody could have made this prediction, as the calendar year is a human construction that follows a regular, repeated pattern based on the earth's orbit around the sun. They dismiss Browne's prediction as a poor attempt to save face by betting on a sure thing after having been exposed for past prophecies gone unfulfilled.

Browne, in her distinctive rasp, angrily rebuffed these claims, saying "if it's so obvious, why hasn't anybody else predicted it?" Though there is plenty of evidence of people making passing references to 2008, Browne insisted she is the only one who has gone on record confidently forecasting its imminent arrival. She then coughed up an unidentified thick black fluid and ate a few cigarettes.

Browne is well-known for her weekly appearances on The Montel Williams Show, where she specializes in channeling the spirits of dead friends and relatives of audience members. She often comments on the "round face" or "pretty eyes" of the spirit, thrilling the audience with her extrasensory skill and removing any doubt that she isn't a callous, useless charlatan who inexplicably rose above doing palm readings on a city street corner.

God To Humanity: Shut The Fuck Up Already With The Prayers

noreply@blogger.com (Critical Flop) — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 22:53:00 +0000

HEAVEN (AP) -- At a recent press conference, God, creator and master of the universe, expressed extreme displeasure at the hundreds of millions of prayers He has been receiving on a daily basis.

"Shut the fuck up already," He told humanity. "I have such a headache. Seriously, I've fucking had it. I haven't gotten any rest since the seventh day."

God threatened to stop answering prayers altogether if He keeps receiving so many. "Take some initiative. Why do you people need my help for every little thing? Go get laid or survive cancer on your own."

Prayer volume has already dropped significantly, suggesting that people are generally not eager to incur the wrath of an almighty deity.

Critics of the Lord were quick to point out that most prayers have already been going unanswered for thousands of years. They noted that Heaven is a bureaucratic nightmare, where prayers need to go through a lengthy formal approval process by several offices of saints before they are even considered by God. The saints have an enormous backlog of prayers dating back to the Middle Ages.

"You have people praying today for peace between Israelis and Palestinians being ignored because God is just getting to prayers asking Him to end the bubonic plague," complained one theologian who wished to remain anonymous to avoid being sent to Hell.

Many professional athletes, accustomed to crediting God for their accomplishments on the field or court, are now considering the possibility that some measure of innate athletic talent, rather than divine intervention, is cause for their success.

God concluded his statement by imploring humanity to remember that "it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than some asshole who keeps pestering me with his personal problems to enter the kingdom of Heaven."

This was God's first public appearance since April, when He angrily told humanity that He does not work in mysterious ways and will strike dead the next person who says so.

Lou Dobbs May Be An Illegal Mexican Immigrant

noreply@blogger.com (Critical Flop) — Sun, 21 Oct 2007 22:54:00 +0000

NEW YORK -- Lou Dobbs, the host of CNN's Lou Dobbs Tonight, has what might be described as a Mexican fetish, often shouting uncontrollably at his guests and viewers about the evils of Mexican immigration. But evidence continues to accumulate suggesting Dobbs himself is actually an illegal alien from Mexico by the name of Luis Dobalez.

An old photograph has surfaced that allegedly depicts Dobbs before he immigrated to the United States. The name "Luis Dobalez" is scribbled on the back of the photo, which was anonymously mailed to CNN from Mexico, along with a brief history of Dobbs' time in Mexico and decision to immigrate to the U.S. and undergo plastic surgery to assume the identity of a crotchety old white guy. Before his employment at CNN, there are no records of Dobbs having a house, bank account, or anything else to suggest he resided in the U.S. An investigation is now underway to determine if he forged documents such as his driver's license and birth certificate.

Some suggest that Dobb's obsessive ranting about immigration may be derived from his paranoia about being found out as well as feelings of shame.

"It's like the classic case of a very vocal homophobe who turns out to be gay," said one analyst. "I always knew Dobbs was a closeted self-loathing Mexican."

The photograph is only the most recent in a long line of suspicious incidents that have called Dobbs' true identity into question. Two years ago, several crew members on Lou Dobbs Tonight reported that he screamed "hijo de puta!" ("son of a bitch!") during a commercial break after getting a paper cut. Dobbs claimed it was no different from an American who occasionally says "adios" instead of "goodbye." However, one of the crew members, himself a Mexican immigrant, said that Dobbs' accent was indistinguishable from that of a native Mexican. Dobbs, astonished to learn one of his own crew members was Mexican, immediately fired him after recovering from a mild stroke.

A year later, fellow CNN broadcaster Larry King looked through Dobbs' iPod after he left it on his desk one day and found nothing but ranchera songs. Dobbs again defended himself, asserting that he was only listening to this traditional Mexican music to better "know the enemy."

On his program last night, Dobbs made a somewhat confusing statement concerning the accusations against him:

"These attacks are being made on me without a shred of evidence to back them up. I am not an illegal immigrant. I am not a Mexican. I have never been to Mexico. I have never even eaten a burrito or gotten a tan. If you watch my program, then you are familiar with my stance on the issue of immigration. You know very well that, if I were a Mexican immigrant, an illegal one no less, I would promptly return to my homeland so that a hard-working American could rightfully have my job for better pay."

Some interpret the next part of Dobbs' statement as an outright confession:

"And Pedro, if you're watching this, I know I still owe you 3,000 pesos. I'm going to pay you. Stop sending incriminating photos of me to America. Pendejo."

Dobbs continued to raise eyebrows later in the show during an argument with a caller. The caller reminded Dobbs of the evidence against him and repeatedly accused him of being a liar and a hypocrite. Finally pushed to his limit, a frustrated Dobbs screamed "Chupe mantequilla de mi culo! Tu madre tiene un bigote!" ("Suck butter from my ass! Your mother has a mustache!")

Manute Bol Bumped His Head Again

noreply@blogger.com (Critical Flop) — Wed, 17 Oct 2007 18:35:00 +0000

Sudanese-American basketball star Manute Bol has bumped his head again. Bol, who retired in 1995 as one of the tallest players and greatest shot blockers in NBA history, hit his head trying to walk through the Arc de Triomphe in Paris. "Fuck," cried Bol. He did not incur any serious injuries, but a piece of the Arc was broken off and is currently being reattached.

Bol's head makes unforeseen contact with inanimate objects several times a day, but this marks only the second time this year he has been foiled by a major national monument. In March, Bol failed to clear the Gateway Arch while visiting St. Louis. Arches are especially problematic for him, creating the illusion of an ample amount of traversable free space.

Throughout his life, Bol has repeatedly expressed displeasure with what he calls a "little man's world." Critics of Bol say his perspective of reality has been skewed by his experience playing pro basketball with other large men. They say he should pay more attention while walking around, and that society should not have to be physically restructured for his convenience when all he has to do is lower his head or bend his knees a little.

Bush Unveils Controversial New Energy Proposal

noreply@blogger.com (Critical Flop) — Sat, 13 Oct 2007 23:47:00 +0000

WASHINGTON -- President Bush held a press conference today to announce a new energy initiative. At the heart of the initiative is an unprecedented and highly controversial proposal aimed at reducing U.S. dependence on foreign oil, as well as increasing domestic availability of other fossil fuels such as coal and natural gas. The proposal entails the mass killing and burial of plants and animals throughout the country in order to expedite their transformation into fossil fuels, which are derived from decayed organic matter, that is, matter that once made up living organisms.

"America's oil should be American oil," declared the president. "Not being subjected to the the whim and fancy of some Middle East dictator will result in improved economic stability and national security. And through the widespread yet merciful slaughter of any and all living things, we can achieve this goal."

If the plan goes through, 100% of forests would be clear cut and the trees put through wood chippers and subsequently buried hundreds of feet below ground in appropriate marine environments that promote fossil fuel formation through a complex series of steps. All animals in the United States would also be slaughtered and similarly buried, except for cats, dogs and the minimum number of chickens, pigs, and cattle deemed necessary to sustain their availability as a food resource.

"Don't ask me how a raccoon can become liquidy [sic] black stuff," said Bush, veering away from his prepared speech for a moment. "But Mother Nature says it can, and I believe her."

Bush's proposal was immediately attacked by environmental groups, and early polls suggest that the public reaction will be unfavorable.

"I am at a loss for words," said Carl Pope, executive director of the Sierra Club, a well-reputed environmental organization. "We have been busy fighting Bush's proposal to drill for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, but now that has become his most environmentally friendly strategy."

Greg Powell, a biology professor at the University of California-Berkeley, said in addition to obliterating life, the plan would not even achieve its desired result: "For one thing, the process of fossil fuel formation literally takes hundreds of millions of years."

A Bush spokesman responded, saying the president "agrees with Dr. Powell that this groundbreaking new proposal will endlessly benefit future generations of Americans."

Some of the more conservative critics of the Bush administration support the plan, but are pessimistic, citing Bush's tendency to make sweeping, grandiose statements that he doesn't follow up on.

"I think this plan, if carried out, would make a lot of progress towards solving America's energy problem," said one pundit. "But why do I have a feeling that I am going to wake up one summer morning two years from now, walk outside, and still be surrounded by scampering squirrels and singing birds as I stand in the cool shade of a towering oak tree?"

The response of Congress was overwhelmingly negative, with only a few senators and representatives throwing their support behind the proposal, and one, Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK), saying it doesn't go far enough.

"Why only terminate life as we know it within our own borders?," said Inhofe. "I agree with the president about avoiding the Middle East, but there are over a million caribou in Canada. That's oil waiting to happen." Inhofe added that the United States should also act quickly to secure future fossil fuels from the Amazon rain forest before the agriculture and timber industries finish clearing it. "We have an obligation to the American people to rape this valuable tract of land before it disappears."

The Bush administration's last energy initiative, which fell through, included an unpopular proposal to extract energy from the hot inner core of the earth to heat homes and buildings. Critics claimed the administration knew full well this was not a viable alternative to oil or gas, and was merely posturing.