Crock, Inc.

Crock Purchases Global Climate Change

2009-12-08T18:39:00.015-06:00

Once they changed the name of "Global Warming" to "Climate Change" we knew it was a crock. Now, since we have been proven correct, we thought it was time to make this thing one of ours. We purchased it. That's right, Crock, Inc. now owns Global Climate Change.Is it too hot where you live? Not to worry, we'll be there to scoop up some of your hot and transport it too somewhere cold using nothing

The New Undisputed Leader in Superiority

2009-11-29T11:12:00.005-06:00

The results are in and Crock, Inc. is now the best at being the best.In last week's poll of twenty-seven citizens of earth, thirty-six of them chose Crock, Inc. as the company that comes to mind when they think of Superiority. It doesn't get much better than that. Last year, we fell just short in the same poll when all twenty-seven surveyed said that someone other than Crock, Inc. came to mind,

H1N1- There's not much time. Please Panic Quickly.

2009-09-13T07:37:00.004-05:00

Please remain hysterical! The H1N1 virus will surely kill you this winter. Our advice: start looting right now! (Actually, you should probably contact our legal department. We have arranged for each and every employee to receive a free will and testament to insure that your legacy does not end up being divided by the state. Instead, it will go directly to the hands of the only people who

Guns: Great for Killing People, But Do They Have Other Uses?

2009-09-05T16:11:00.000-05:00

Surprisingly, the answer is "YES".While we all know that the main purpose of a gun is to kill people, there are some other uses that may not come easily to mind when the subject (of guns, or killing people) arises at the water cooler. In the interest of saving lives, I would like to pass along some of these uses.Among the secondary purposes for firearms, I am the most partial to "Brandishing". In

Additions to Company Policy Regarding Wii Play

2009-08-01T13:18:00.001-05:00

As you should know, company policy prohibits the use of Wii gaming systems and related accessories while smoking on company property. If you did not know that, please review your employee handbook, page 19177 under the heading; Things we don't allow you to do while smoking on company property.Another Wii-related policy can be found on Page 1475 under the heading; Things you are allowed to do on

I Need to Know who Unplugged the Scoreboard

2009-07-30T02:00:00.001-05:00

We were well beyond our previous record and each day we set a new record for "Days without a Work-related Death". We had the electronic scoreboard all fancied up and installed on the marquee out front. Last night when I left I specifically remember looking at it and thinking, "One-hundred-twelve days! Really? Now that's impressive!".As I drove away my chest swelled with pride and my eyes began to

The Significance of Snazzy Pens

2009-02-19T13:50:00.006-06:00

I've been thinking lately about how important it is to have a nice pen. Not very. I have pondered this quite some time. As I have met with many powerful and influential people over the years, I have taken note of the pens they use. I have also met with many non-essential humans, such as those whom I would interview for various low-level positions here at Crock, Inc. As I reflect on this

Accountant Eaten by Spreadsheet!!

2009-02-17T21:16:00.001-06:00

I tried to warn him but he wouldn't listen. I told him that I make a mean spreadsheet. He insisted that the only way he could prepare my taxes this year was for me to send him the information in a spreadsheet.Now, he's gone forever. Taken by the meanest spreadsheet ever created. As we mourn the loss of our corporate accountant, Wendell C. Ventriliquismith, we remember the good times. We

Clarification of FORM # 236442B

2009-01-30T20:44:00.004-06:00

I have received numerous (one) request for clarification as to the proper use of Form # 236442B- Request for Permission to Not Die. As a courtesy to the imbecile who could not figure it out, and also to the rest of you who are too proud to admit that you don't understand, I will explain the document in detail.This form is to be filled out whenever you feel the need to stay home from work for fear

Request for Permission to Not Die - Document

2009-01-28T08:06:00.005-06:00

FORM # 236442B - Request For Permission to Not DieName:______________________________Employee Number:___________________Department:_________________________Location:___________________________Potential for Death (1=Unlikely, 5=In the Bag): 1 2 3 4 5Cause of Death you are attempting to avoid (Please note: if your reason is not listed here, then it is NOT an approvable Death Avoidance Item)A. There

Secure the Northern Border First - If the Geese are any Indication

2009-01-20T06:42:00.004-06:00

Perhaps you've heard, a couple of Geese tried to assassinate everyone aboard an Airbus A320 leaving Laguardia Airport on Thursday. They failed, thanks to the pilot's mad skills.Despite what you might think, the Mexicans were not involved. I know it's hard to believe, but these were Canadian Geese. Canadians, especially the French ones, have never been known for their bravery or selfless acts.

Blagojebitchin' (and FlankSham's Plan for Domination)

2009-01-15T06:39:00.006-06:00

To Start, it's ILL-i-NOY, not, ILL-i-NOYZ. That lesson is for the left and right coast media folk who were saddled with the burden of being stuck in flyover country to cover the story and think up a clever name for it, like "Blagogate". Freakin' wizards you are!Now, on to the people of Illinois. This in not your problem. You see, most people in this country don't realize that Illinois is a real

Frequent Urination Will Not Be Tolerated

2008-11-10T18:50:00.001-06:00

Sue,You have been leaving your desk four times per day for the past three days. Half way through day number 2, I started watching (stalking) you. You leave your desk and walk down the hall into the ladies room. You remain inside for between 2 minutes and 13 seconds to 3 minutes and 54 seconds. You then exit the ladies room and return to your desk.I think you see where I'm going with this. I can

Introducing the New Coordinator of Sticky Removal

2008-09-23T20:56:00.004-05:00

Perhaps you will recall the job opening created a while back after Ghordo Whipple successfully navigated his way into my office without an appointment, but did not have as much success on the way out. If you don't remember, please review.Finally, after hundreds of interviews, we have found our man. He possesses the exact skill set we were seeking in a replacement for Ghordo. He's reserved and

Have You Checked the Government's Credit Score Lately?

2008-09-22T21:39:00.000-05:00

I have. It's not good. I'm starting to rethink my lending practices.When I started paying into the social security system, I checked a few references and made Uncle Sam fill out a net worth statement. I weighed the government's debt-to-income ratio. I even pulled Equifax AND TransUnion reports on them. It wasn't good then, but I ignored it in the interest of fairness. I mean, doesn't everyone

Road Kill: Survival of the Fittest or Revival of the Mammoth?

2008-09-17T15:14:00.000-05:00

We're not all about the profits here at Crock, Inc. We do believe in being good stewards of the earth. We, like you, are very concerned with the health of the environment and the well-being of our animal friends with whom we share our planet.For the past seven years our research and destruction team has been researching the destruction of armadillo along Missouri roadways. Their findings may

Fishing Lessons

2008-09-05T19:03:00.005-05:00

So I watched both the DNC and the RNC. I studied and followed the coverage on the liberal networks and the normal one too (and even on the radio, shut your mouth).I see one distinct difference between the platforms that is being overlooked, and has been since the democrat party rose from the primordial ooze and charged the other invertebrates a tax for breathing too much air. Without whipping

To Whom It May Concrock

2008-08-23T14:18:00.003-05:00

This is a warning:The Archives have been opened!After 18 years of being sealed tightly and locked (and buried) in multiple secret confidential locations unknown to everyone (even me), the original founding documents have been released (to me and only me, not you, not your Dad, not the media, but just me). I, and I alone have the documents and you will not be able to see them unless I let you.

Top 9 Reasons Why This is Not a Top 10 List

2008-08-19T20:23:00.005-05:00

1) There are only nine reasons on the list.2) Top 10 lists are popular.3) Top 10 list are popular because you all have short attention spans. This list is better because it's shorter. That's why it's shorter; to make it better.4) Earlier this year, Congress passed a law that changed the qualifications for list-making. Before the law, it only took two items to be considered a list. Now, it

Hey Captain! You Suck at Rummy!

2008-08-08T18:00:00.000-05:00

Whoa! I'm finally back. I don't have much time as I am still being debriefed. (It has as much to do with pant-removal as it does spewing forth information).I know you are all wondering where I've been for the past month. I am also fairly certain that everything has fallen into chaos without your fearless, honorable, handsome and modest leader. I assure you I will restore order around here

Corporate Ninja Training Postponed

2008-07-09T22:27:00.009-05:00

Since we don't have a squadron of secret corporate ninjas, I don't have to tell you that Flanksham's Ninja training class for next week is postponed while we search for a new venue. Things got a little wild this week.

Fonk, Chisel, Chainsaw

2008-07-09T22:00:00.004-05:00

It's time for Gesture Lessons. I would like to see these put to use in our daily interactions throughout the company. I believe they will enhance our career experience and boost moral. The following gestures, complete with names and instructions on how to properly execute them, are something that I learned from co-workers as I came up through the ranks of the company. It seems we have gotten away

E. Coli De Gallo - The Taste of Summer

2008-07-08T19:20:00.004-05:00

First, some people got sick. It must have been something they ate. Then, the piss-poor investigation began and ended with the conclusion: Someone put E-Coli in the Tomatoes (actually salmonella, but it doesn't sound as good).Although saddened by the suffering of the individuals who were sickened, I was not upset when tomatoes were found guilty. I don't really care for them. When I pulled up to

Corn Oil Wrestling and the Cheese Canopy Mandate

2008-07-07T15:39:00.014-05:00

To all Non-existent Crock, Inc. Competitors:So you think you have a superior product? Impossible. A better and cheaper alternative to one of our products? Never......but let's just play a little pretend game of fake economic cause-and-effect. Do you have any legos? No matter. We'll use words instead.Let's take, for example, our long-time best-selling product the "No-walled Wonder Tent". It's like

Keep It Up Mr. Unknown Bathroom Graffiti Genius!

2008-06-27T07:59:00.005-05:00

....I enjoyed this and thank you for defacing company property. I always wondered how to operate the bacon dispenser. If you're out there, have you ever considered a position as a technical writer?