Crocktown

Crocktown Turns Two; Learns "No"

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy Aldrich) — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 20:15:00 +0000

HARRISONBURG - On March 16, 2008, baby Crocktown entered the world cold, naked, and scared. Today, as Crocktown celebrates its second birthday, some are wishing it would just grow up already.

"Crocktown needs a spanking," says local resident Harvey Wanake. "If it wants to be treated like a big blog, it needs to act like a big blog."

At a recent dinner party, Crocktown was heard shouting "No!" at every suggestion from its caretakers, and at one point had to be stopped from scribbling a primitive drawing of Governor Rob McDongle on the wall in crayon and spaghetti sauce.

"It all seemed so much easier when all it did was lay around and poop," notes Shmeremy Shmaldrich, who has been raising Crocktown since its birth. "Now that it's walking on its own and making messes everywhere, I kind of just want to fast-forward to an age when it acts a little more mature."

On Crocktown's second birthday, we thank the many readers and contributors who have made Crocktown what it is (namely, a spoiled little brat), and remind you that "It takes a village to raise a blog."

Photo by Lee Turner.

WVPT Leads Local Sweeps Week

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy Aldrich) — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 11:00:00 +0000

HARRISONBURG - A re-evaluation of the Nielsen Ratings for our area during the last "sweeps week" revealed a big surprise: PBS rocks. WVPT had the most popular shows on six out of seven nights of the week, with the exception of NBC's Thursday night lineup.

"We are just ecstatic," says station manager Jordy Laforge. "Who knew that the Saturday Sillies was more popular than Saturday Night Live?"

Local media analyst Henry O'Toole says that although WVPT is on top, it's not because more people are watching. "Actually, their viewership is exactly the same as it was last year at this time. But other networks have dropped off precipitously." O'Toole says that more people are watching media online or simply finding better things to do with their time. But he added he doesn't have the heart to explain that to the folks at WVPT.

"They seem so happy, you know?" he says.

The most recent sweeps period from January 31 to February 27.

Photo by Steve Woolf.

Media React to Hburg Times

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy Aldrich) — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 23:40:00 +0000

HARRISONBURG - Mayor Guy Dregner's announcement of a new local news source is making waves among other local media outlets.

At WHSV, sources say management were offended that Dregner described their work as "short news stories that cannot provide a depth of analysis that takes more than a few minutes to convey." The station assigned its best reporter, Mikhail Hillel, to work up a story with interviews of numerous media experts and with Dregner himself, along with analysis of the mayor's potential conflicts of interest in starting a media outlet of his own. The segment ran for almost three whole minutes and was sandwiched between a 23-second story about the Broadway meals tax and a 25-second weather update.

The managers of the DNR have chosen to ignore the story, saying that if they don't cover it, it isn't actually happening. Managing editor Bort Backwoods says he does not expect the online-only publication to make much headway into the DNR's target market of 60- to 90-year-old rural misanthropes.

Ben Frinnegan of hburgnews is reportedly annoyed by Dregner's move and let it all out in Gen-X sarcastic angst. "Gee," he said, "I wish someone had thought of taking donations for an alternative news site and opened it up to community members who wanted to add content. What an original idea!" Frinnegan noted that he'd love for more people to take part in hburgnews and added that he's willing to run for office if that would help spur interest.

Sources from WMRA and WSVA also contacted us for this story, but let's face it: they weren't even notable enough to be mentioned by Dregner as competitors.

Image from Harrisonburg Times. Real story at WHSV, Harrisonburg Times, and hburgnews.

Local Official Starts News Outlet

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy Aldrich) — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 22:17:00 +0000

HARRISONBURG - Clerk of Court Chad Havens-Elwood says he is sick of all the liberal blogs in town, and is getting ready to do something about it.

After Democratic Mayor Guy Dregner announced the formation of Harrisonburg Times, the left-leaning answer to the Daily News-Record, Havens-Elwood said he was driven to create The Harrisonburg Post in response.

"Ever since Republitarian Morgan Rudes has stopped posting as much to his blog, conservatives in the local blogosphere have been grossly underrepresented," Havens-Elwood said. "The Harrisonburg Post will be the conservative answer to Harrisonburg Times, RockDem, Blue Rage, Blue Ridge Data, and hburgnews.com. We will be the source in the Valley for center-right news and opinions."

Havens-Elwood said that he has already assembled a group of 20 local writers who will donate their time, expertise, and money to do what some say the Daily News-Record is already doing.

But the Republican clerk sees it as synergy, rather than redundancy. "The DNR has some great editorials, but I'd like to see more opinion in the news stories themselves. People blogging for no pay can definitely make that happen," Havens-Elwood said.

When asked whether The Harrisonburg Post could present a conflict of interests, given his position as an elected official, Havens-Elwood reassures citizens that there is no conflict. "I'm not the one who's going to actually run the Post. I just like starting projects," Havens-Elwood said. However, he added, "Our courts coverage is going to be awesome. The Post is going to feature some sweet court case scoops."

The Harrisonburg Post is scheduled to launch April 1.

Story written by Mike Lewis. Picture by openphoto.net.

Shoutouts for February 27, 2010

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy Aldrich) — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 17:04:00 +0000

Shoutouts is a new Crocktown feature for you to post your critiques and accolades. As always, funny is good, please choose a screen name other than Anonymous, and don't libel. I'll get us started.

- A condolence shoutout to Blue Ridge Mac, which in addition to having poor customer service is now also going to be redundant. Bring on the Best Buy!

- A "worship worship, grovel grovel" shoutout to the cast of HHS' Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat for a great run last weekend. If choreographed dance numbers were on an SOL test, Harrisonburg would be tops in the state.

- An angry shoutout to the Virginia House of Delegates, who seem to think that teachers don't deserve a planning time. Just because you turned in your assignments at the last minute doesn't mean those assignments can be created or graded on the fly.

- A pretty, pretty please shoutout to Google as it considers applications from communities to test ultra high-speed broadband networks. Imagine how much better the world would be if people in the Harrisonburg area could load the Crocktown page in nanoseconds!

Image from richkidsunite.

Snooki Says JMU Feels Like Home

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy Aldrich) — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 21:24:00 +0000

HARRISONBURG - Although the upcoming appearance of MTV reality TV star Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi is raising objections from some students, and raising eyebrows among watchers, Snooki herself says JMU is her favorite place to be. Outside of Jersey, of course.

"JMU is a freakin' natural fit for me," Snooki said in a phone interview earlier today. "Besides all the students from Jersey (represent!) and what I've heard are frickin' GREAT parties on Port Road, the area around the college has lots of opportunities for me to let my hair down...that's just a figure of speech, of course."

Snooki said that in addition to her speech next Wednesday night, she also plans to eat at Cuchi Guido's downtown, buy a hot tub, and hook up with a "nice, juiced, hot, tanned guy" or three. She also plans to buy a jar of local pickles and make a side trip to Orange County, for obvious reasons.

Excitement is building among the sellout crowd, too. Fans of both sexes are reportedly planning to show up dressed like their favorite Jersey Shore cast member. Sally Beauty Supply says it has sold out of Bumpits hair inserts, and local tanning booths report being solidly booked until one hour before next week's speech.

Photo from MTV. Real story at The Breeze.

Newspaper Editor Obsessed With Ages

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy Aldrich) — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 12:00:00 +0000

HARRISONBURG - Bort Backwoods is a man who likes numbers. As managing editor of the Daily News-Record, he insists that every story include the ages of every person mentioned.

"I love how putting in a few solid numbers can give even the fluffiest article the feel of a hard news story," he says.

Backwoods continues, "Ever since I met my wife, 45, in college, ages have been important to me. I remember one of my journalism professors, Reinhold McCracken, 72, telling us to avoid putting in extraneous information. He didn't like it when I would include everyone's age in every story. But whenever I sit down at my computer, manufactured in 2007, I just start typing in ages after every name. My kids, 13 and 17, think I'm crazy."

His colleagues at the newspaper have a variety of theories on why Backwoods demands that his newspaper have a number after every name. Some chalk it up to a journalistic "need to know". Others suggest that perhaps he doesn't know his own real age due to a misplaced birth certificate and is working out his angst. One theory holds that Backwoods is seeking a deep religious truth in the numbers.

Backwoods himself isn't certain why numbers are so important to him, but he adds, "My therapist Dr. Hinkel, 58, thinks maybe it's an addictive behavior."

Image courtesy of procsilas.

County Explores Cheaper, Safer Transport

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy Aldrich) — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 11:00:00 +0000

HARRISONBURG - After a series of minor bus accidents in recent months, Rockingham County Schools are looking for a safer way to get kids to school. And it wouldn't hurt if it were less expensive, too.

"We're considering a couple of possibilities," says Director of Transportation Sandra Fulk. She gestures to a whiteboard full of ideas which she says came out of a recent brainstorming session. "Shooting out of cannon" is crossed out, as is "seatbelts on busses" (the proposed solution can't be more expensive than the status quo, Fulk says). "Giant rubber bands" is underlined, and "Star Trek-like teleportation" has a question mark after it. Fulk admits she's not sure if that one's even possible.

"Right now we're leaning towards walking," Fulk says, adding that would also enable the division to offer a PE credit to students who live more than four miles from their school. "The main roads in the county are pretty safe to walk along, right?"

Photo from Wikipedia.

Free Phone Book a Tough Sell

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy Aldrich) — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 11:30:00 +0000

GROTTOES - Times have changed for phone book deliveryman Curtis Bumbaugh. "People used to open their doors and wave when my van pulled up to deliver their crisp new phone book once a year," he says. "Now, they glare at me from behind closed curtains, like I'm leaving a bag of dog doo on their front porch."

Bumbaugh says people just don't appreciate the phone book like they used to. He argues that it's free, needs no electricity, and helps people discover new businesses they might not have known about. But after a run-in with an angry homeowner wielding a pitchfork and a smartphone, Bumbaugh began doing all his deliveries under cover of night.

Bumbaugh reports that his most disheartening experience was at an elementary school career day last Spring. "The kids just stared at me with total incomprehension and their questions made me feel like a real loser. No, it doesn't include cell phone numbers. No, it doesn't update automatically. Yes, we print thousands of pages for every household. I may as well have said I sold butter churns or worked as an alchemist, as far as those kids were concerned."

"It's a real shame," Bumbaugh says. "I used to hold my head up high and tell people, 'I deliver phone books!'. Now if someone asks what I do, I just vaguely tell them I work in telecommunications and hope they drop the subject."

Photo from Wikimedia Commons.

Staunton Replacing Employees with Inmates

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy Aldrich) — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 11:00:00 +0000

STAUNTON - If you live in the Queen City, get used to seeing orange jumpsuits. Due to budget cuts, the city of Staunton is replacing almost all its city employees with inmates.

The idea started with replacing just school custodians, but city leaders quickly realized that was only the beginning of possible savings. "Custodians don't make much money, so replacing them only saved a little," says council member Lucy Kong. "When we started thinking 'outside the box', we started realizing big savings. Our budget is almost balanced now."

As the plan currently stands, inmates will replace all city custodians, maintenance workers, clerical staff, teachers, firefighters, police officers, and the city treasurer. Kong says she is not worried about public safety since the inmates will be constantly monitored by guards, which she argues makes the public safer than the status quo: "Say a non-inmate secretary lunges at you; who's going to restrain them?"

Kong says that labor is by far the largest expense in the city's budget, and that using inmates on work-release programs means not only lower pay per hour but also not having to pay for benefits like Social Security, retirement, and health care. She says the likelihood of inmates trying to escape is slim, because it would mean them giving up a steady job, a mortgage-free dwelling, and three meals a day. "If anything," she says, "I expect to see more people trying to become inmates so they can be part of this program. This is not our first choice, but it's a way to maintain services in the face of major budget shortfalls. And isn't this better than outsourcing jobs to India or China? At least this way it's still Americans doing the work."

The state government will be keeping a close eye on Staunton's success, and there is a rumor that if things work out Virginia may try using inmates as court stenographers, judges, and prison guards.

Photo by NCReedplayer. Real story at WHSV.

JMU Buying Up City

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy Aldrich) — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 23:40:00 +0000

HARRISONBURG - With its recently announced purchase of the Rockingham Co-op building in town, JMU continues its streak of buying city properties to expand its campus. And according to Director of Development Christine Balducci, they're not done yet.

"I'm proud to announce that we are buying Harris Gardens, which will be renamed Marvin Gardens, and that we will also be buying a large section of Main Street, which will now be called Boardwalk," she says.

Balducci says JMU plans to put hotels on some of its newly acquired properties. She adds that they are considering the purchase of some city utility companies and railroads.

In addition to acquiring property, Balducci is also responsible for developing JMU's relationship with local government. Balducci is proud that she has earned several "get out of jail free" cards for JMU students who have run into problems with the Harrisonburg Police Department.

The work is lucrative. Every time she completes a circuit of JMU properties and passes through Court Square in her car, which she has nicknamed "The Thimble," she earns a $200 bonus.

She is currently negotiating several other deals for the university, and she has a message for holdouts: "Take a chance on us; it's ultimately good for the community chest."

Image by PhilWolff. Real story at Rocktown Rebel.

Legislators Want Death Penalty Expansion

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy Aldrich) — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 12:00:00 +0000

RICHMOND - Two Valley legislators says it's wrong that the only criminals eligible for the death penalty are murderers who actually carry out the act. For the last several years, state Senator Mick Orbitshave and Delegate Tad Grillbit have proposed eliminating the "triggerman" rule and expanding the possibility of the death penalty for others involved in a murder, such as people ordering it or helping carry it out.

"We've brought this up in the General Assembly again and again and we're not going to stop until it passes. But even when it does finally pass, we're still not going to stop," Grillbit says.

The pair, who have come to be known as the "deadly duo" in Richmond, want to expand the death penalty to other types of crimes as well, including assault and battery, drug offenses, speeding, grand larceny, petty larceny, and très petty larceny (such as stealing a pen from the post office or abusing the refill rules at a fast food restaurant). They say they don't want to allow the death penalty for all crimes, since some crimes (like tax evasion and ignoring gun laws) are actually patriotic.

Critics say that not only would such proposals go too far, but that the motives for them are suspicious since Orbitshave and Grillbit receive campaign donations from trial lawyers, the Virginia Executioners Association, the drugmakers who produce lethal injection drugs, and energy firms who would benefit from the additional electricity needed for electrocutions. The lawmakers say this is merely a coincidence.

Religious conservatives who form Orbitshave and Grillbit's political base, while generally supportive of "tough on crime" measures, worry that the law might be overbroad. Valley Family Forum head Don Waltzy notes that the Bible doesn't prescribe the death penalty for every violation, just "big ones" like murder, witchcraft, homosexuality, fornication, and cursing your parents.

Waltzy adds that he wants any extension of the death penalty to consider Jesus' words. "Not the ones about forgiveness and turning the other cheek. I'm talking about Matthew 5:22, which says that being angry is as bad as murder." Waltzy urges that Orbitshave and Grillbit extend the death penalty to anyone who is angry at someone else. In God's eyes, he says, saying you want to kill your boss is as bad as actually killing them.

News tip provided by Mark F. Photo by doublebug. Real story at hburgnews.

Political Pariahs Form Support Group

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy Aldrich) — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 11:36:00 +0000

HARRISONBURG - The people sitting in a circle of folding chairs agree: some things are stronger than partisanship. Things like a shared sense of alienation.

Though they are divided by their party affiliations, the fourteen members of the Black Sheep, Donkeys, and Elephants Support Group are united by their common experiences of awkward interactions with people who are supposed to be their compatriots.

After a round of introductions, several members share stories. Jorge P., a Hispanic Republican, sniffles as he says, "I do everything I can to feel like one of them. I wear the American flag all over my clothes. My truck has huge pro-Republican stickers. But still, to them I'm just a suspicious wetback who forces them to press 1 for English."

Felicity W., a religious Democrat, hands him a tissue before telling her own story. "I am attracted to the Democratic Party because they seem to have more realistic solutions. I go door to door for candidates and work the phone banks every year. Yet they seem oblivious to my discomfort while they rail against 'anti-choice extremists' and 'backwards Creationists' every stinking time they get together. Am I less of a person because of my faith? If I were a practicing Muslim or Buddhist they'd never make fun of my beliefs."

On and on the stories go. A college professor and a homosexual who are Republicans. Democrats who drive SUVs, homeschool, or who are non-union blue collar workers. There is even room for compassionate Libertarians and pragmatic Greens here.

After tears, hugs, and a group recitation of the Serenity Prayer, the group members leave the warmth of their camaraderie and head out into the night to face the cold weather and the harsh political climate.

Photo by Darrin Wang.

City Finds Place to Dump Snow

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy Aldrich) — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 12:00:00 +0000

HARRISONBURG - With huge piles of snow in the city and little undeveloped land, Public Works struggled to find nooks and crannies on which to place the mountains of snow they cleared from roads and city parking lots. But now they've found the perfect place, and opened a new revenue stream for the city.

For a season, Heritage Oaks Golf Course is being repurposed as a "municipal ski slope".

"We thought about dumping this stuff in Blacks Run, but it's full of salt and road grit," says Public Works spokesman Tony DiVenezia. "That would be like peeing in the swimming pool: convenient, but gross."

After much deliberation, officials decided to pile the snow on the city's little-used golf course. It wasn't long before the Parks and Recreation department put up cones and started renting ski equipment and snow tubes. "The slope isn't very long, but it's easy to get to and we offer shuttle busses from the end of the slope back up to the top," says employee Jenny Hershberger. An all day pass is only ten dollars for city residents, although equipment rental costs a little more.

Hershberger says, "The best thing about it is, we're finally making money off this place. It will be kind of sad when the snow melts."

Area residents are invited to bring their unwanted snow to add to the pile, which employees lovingly refer to as "Mount Golfmore".

Photo by gin_e.

Professor Blues "Now More Than Ever"

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy Aldrich) — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 10:00:00 +0000

HARRISONBURG - Well I woke up this morning...and realized that a local radio show is celebrating an important milestone. This year marks the 25th anniversary of the WMRA show "Blues Valley", and fans say blues music is more timely now than ever before.

At a Saturday birthday party for the show, attendants thanked Greg "Professor Blues" Versen for delivering musical tales of misery and fatalistic resignation every weekend.

"I think more people seem to 'get' the blues nowadays," says fan David Pinecone. "Although some people think of blues music as representing the experience of African-Americans in the Deep South, it is actually the precursor of country and rock music, as well as Rodney Dangerfield, Charlie Brown, the Fail Blog, and the Internet meme FML. Basically it made it cool to complain about how sucky life can be."

Local musician Rochelle Hevener, who was recently laid off from her job as a mid-level corporate manager, says her musical tastes have recently shifted from folk to blues. "Fortunately for me, that just meant tuning in to WMRA at a different time on Saturday, since Acoustic Cafe is on in the afternoon and Blues Valley is at night," she says.

Hevener adds that the most difficult part of composing blues music out of her life experiences is finding rhymes for phrases like "401K", "downsized", and "mortgage-backed securities".

Image from AleBonvini. Real story at WMRA blog.

Citizens Escape "Harsh" Code Enforcement

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy Aldrich) — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 21:52:00 +0000

MCGAHEYSVILLE - A tent city of political refugees has sprung up around the entrance to Massanutten resort, as thousands of city residents flee the terrifying announcement that on Monday, the HPD will start enforcing city code requiring people to shovel snow from their sidewalks.

"These rules are just getting ridiculous," says John Lobsoe, who packed his belongings and his family into their car to escape the potential fine of up to $250. "I want to be free to leave my sidewalk unshoveled and raise backyard chickens and put old cars up on cinderblocks in my yard without having the blue shirts all up in my business. Or should I call them brown shirts?"

Refugees (or more accurately, Internally Displaced Peoples) now crowd around barrel fires swapping stories of horrifying run-ins with the city government. Supplies at the nearby Exxon station are nearly exhausted, and the Red Cross is distributing blankets and emergency food to the impromptu evacuees. They would have set up camp closer to the city, but all that county land has been developed into subdivisions whose homeowner associations forbid outdoor camping.

When contacted over Skype video chat for comment, Mayor Ty Dregner (inexplicably wearing a patch over one eye) turned around in his high-backed chair while stroking a cat. Dregner laughed nefariously before stating that his "plan has come to fruition".

Photo by oddharmonic. Real story at hburgnews.

Cuchi Guidos Starts a Trend

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy Aldrich) — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 12:00:00 +0000

HARRISONBURG - United under the banner "All Publicity is Good Publicity", a handful of new local businesses have followed the lead of one downtown restaurant in choosing controversial, perhaps even offensive names.

Cuchi Guidos started attracting attention for its unusual name even before its opening a few weeks ago. Several commenters on local blogs said the name could be interpreted as sexist against women, racist against Italians, or both. But the buzz has been great for the restaurant's bottom line as word-of-mouth about their name translated into curious customers.

Now several other new businesses are getting in on the act. Most of their names are not suitable to print, but include offensive terms and stereotypes for blacks, whites, Hispanics, Indians, the Chinese, Australians, Canadians, West Virginians, men, women, the elderly, children, lawyers, and computer users, among others.

Business owners say that times are tough and they have to get the public's attention to drive traffic. "These types of names put us on the map and in the minds of consumers quickly, and that's what we need right now," notes Marie-Claude Lafayette, who is due to open her French fashion boutique, Oui Surrender, later this year.

The names are posing a challenge for local tourism officials, who want to produce comprehensive information guides but not offend potential visitors. One proprietor, Sean O'Donnell, says that they should just lighten up: "If some visitor can't handle that the name of my restaurant is Drunky McFighty's House of Potatoes and Guinness, then we don't want them around anyway."

Image by Brent Finnegan. Real story at hburgnews.

Legislators "Creeped Out" by Cross-dressing

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy Aldrich) — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 14:56:00 +0000

RICHMOND - Eddie Izzard should not be hired by the state of Virginia, according to several local lawmakers who lined up to oppose a law that would protect transgendered state employees from discrimination.

"Just imagine if a police officer came up to you dressed as a woman," says Del. Tad Grillbit. "Male police officers, I mean. No, actually, I guess even female police officers put on masculine uniforms, so what I'm really saying here is how could you possibly respect a police officer that looked female? Imagine the chaos. We might need to amend the law to clarify this issue."

Del. Mant Lower agrees. "A man should always look and act and sound like a man. People in authority should have deep, booming voices, not feminine, lispy voices. I pine for the days when the only trannies you'd see were in powder puff football games and Monty Python skits."

"I want to be very clear about this," says state Senator Mick Orbitshave. "What you wear under your business suit is your own concern, but if you want to work for the Commonwealth you'd better dress like the gender God assigned you. Unless you're a woman."

Image from Wikimedia Commons. Real story behind a paywall at DNR.

Polish Bandits Caught with Local Plasma

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy Aldrich) — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 13:00:00 +0000

WARSAW, POLAND - Perhaps you, or someone you know, has donated plasma at BioLife in Harrisonburg. If so, a little piece of you may have just been recovered in Poland.

More than $1 million of BioLife's blood plasma, headed for Austria, was stolen from a truck in Germany and taken across the border to Poland, where it was retrieved still in a usable state. According to police, the alleged thieves were disappointed with their loot, saying, "This plasma no good for TVs."

In related news, more than a dozen JMU students who are frequent donors to BioLife have applied for study abroad credit after learning that a substantial part of their body matter has been spending time in Europe.

Image from Wikimedia Commons. Real story at Baltimore Sun.

Virginia Outlaws Mark of the Beast

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy Aldrich) — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 14:00:00 +0000

RICHMOND - In a bold move designed to hold off the End Times, the Virginia House of Delegates voted yesterday to outlaw the forced implantation of tracking devices which some fear could be the "mark of the beast" mentioned in the biblical Book of Revelation. The bill's sponsor, Delegate Mack Pole, says that he was contacted by dozens of citizens who list the Great Tribulation among their most pressing concerns, ahead of Education, Transportation, and sometimes even Public Safety (but of course still below Gay Marriage and Abortion).

Pole says the bill is a "common sense" approach to the problem, and that he consulted many experts when drafting his proposal, including Pat Robertson, Hal Lindsey, and a homeless lunatic who lives in Shockoe Bottom. "I also did a lot of research," he says, listing not only the biblical text but also the 1972 film "A Thief in the Night".

After the success of this bill, Pole says he is drafting several other proposals which could help foil the Antichrist. Among them: prostitutes will be forbidden from riding on dragons, beasts with more than two horns must be destroyed by Animal Control, and if it looks like peace is coming to Israel then the Virginia National Guard will be sent to stir things back up. As part of a public education effort, Cole will also propose adding the "Left Behind" book series to high school literature courses.

"I don't get all the fuss," says one critic of the legislation. "Even if they believe that the things described in Revelation will become literal truth, don't they believe they'll be raptured into heaven before the bad stuff happens anyway? Or do they know something about their unrighteousness that we don't?"

Image from Wikimedia Commons. Real story at WHSV.

HPD Takes on Famous Critic

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy Aldrich) — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 03:13:00 +0000

HARRISONBURG - Outraged at what they consider "gross exaggerations" and "distortions of the truth," some Harrisonburg police officers have a message for Rash Lambast: lay off.

Several national media outlets have reported about the arrests of two JMU students alleged to have thrown shovels full of snow at a city plow and an unmarked police car. They were each charged with a Class 6 Felony for "throwing missiles at an occupied vehicle". In yesterday's episode of his radio show, Lambast mocked the charges as overkill.

But a group of police officers, fed up with the media backlash over what they say was a justified charge, were not amused by Lambast's joke. On their own dime and on their day off, a group of sixteen officers took their frustration on the road and travelled to Lambast's studio in Palm Beach County, Florida.

After marching in front of the studio holding signs reading "Hell No, Don't Throw Snow" and "We'll Kick Your Ice," several members of the group made it inside the studio with a special delivery for the controversial radio host: five coolers full of snow and ice chunks from the Friendly City. Dumping the coolers on the floor, the desk, and Lambast's head, they chanted, "How do YOU like it?"

Lambast reportedly responded by threatening to call security and berating the officers, asking, "What is your problem? Why would you throw snow on someone when they're trying to work?"

To which the officers replied, "Exactly."

Image from Wikimedia Commons. Real story here and here.

Reporter Has Crush on Governor

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy Aldrich) — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 12:00:00 +0000

HARRISONBURG - WHSV reporter Holly Handelson thinks Virginia Governor Rob McDongle is dreamy, and she's not afraid to say it. To anyone but him, that is.

Yes, Handelson admits, she has a crush.

Handelson has long admired McDongle from afar, scribbling his name all over her reporter-style notebook surrounded by hearts and flowers. She has also left positive notes on his Facebook page, often responding to even mildly humorous posts with a hearty "You are so funny! LOL :-)".

But when she got the opportunity for an exclusive interview last week, she says, she was so excited she could barely sleep. "I stayed up late thinking up questions like, 'What makes you so awesome?' and 'When you're elected President what will your main priorities be?'," she says. "I wanted him to know that even though I'm a reporter just doing my job I am also behind him 100% and he can totally tell me anything."

Handelson's producer, Rick Stoltzfus, says that editing the final two-part interview took some time. "I had to take out some unusual descriptors like 'ruggedly handsome' and 'eyes that penetrate your soul', but I think the final product was pretty good. I left in a few of her phrases like 'big ideas,' 'realistic, but also optimistic,' and 'Reagan-style' as a little red meat for our conservative audience. But it did take several takes to get the sign-off right. She kept accidentally saying, 'This is Mrs. Holly McDongle for WHSV News.'"

Image courtesy of letsfly. Inspiration for this story here and here.

From "Whee" to "Meh"

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy Aldrich) — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 12:55:00 +0000

BROADWAY - "Yeah, it was okay," says Belen Artila, 9, as she dismounts from her sled at the bottom of the steep hill in front of J. Frank Hillyard Middle School. For Artila, the thrill is gone from sledding and from snow day activities generally. She and other Rockingham County students have been out of school for the last week and a half, and they say that activities which seemed exciting just a few days ago are now kind of boring.

"Can't we just go back to school?" Artila says.

Elsewhere in the area, other students numbly play video games, lazily build yet more snowmen, and sigh as they browse through their DVD collections looking for something else to watch. Cynthia Cabrera, a Broadway High School student, says that for days she was excited about putting off her homework yet again, but that yesterday she decided to go ahead and do it for fear that she might forget how if she waited any longer.

Belen's mother, Consuela Artila, says her daughter's ennui is sad to watch. "She used to jump out of bed in the morning hoping the ground would be covered in snow. Now the first thing she does is check to see if the pavement is clear."

Image courtesy of Samael Trip.

Let It Snow, Says Struggling Businessman

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy Aldrich) — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 14:02:00 +0000

HARRISONBURG - For business owner Jason Schmidt, the snow is only a good thing. His store, the Widget Shoppe, has been barely making it for the last two years in a down economy. With all of his original startup money gone, Schmidt says the snow provides a welcome relief from another day of losses.

"On a normal weekend, we only pull in about $80 in sales, but I spend $600 in utilities and labor. People just are not buying widgets. So for me, getting to close means not losing $520 this weekend."

And it just gets better, Schmidt says. Local television stations which normally charge thousands to air commercials will repeat the name of the Widget Shoppe dozens of times today on the scrolling "Closings and Delays" banner at the bottom of their screens, in addition to listing it on their websites. Schmidt hopes this will bring in a few more customers who perhaps weren't aware that widgets were available locally.

"If it could just snow until the economy gets better, I think we might actually make it," Schmidt says.

Image courtesy of Denis Jacquerye from Wikimedia Commons.

McDongle Punts on Snow Response

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy Aldrich) — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 10:59:00 +0000

RICHMOND - Although he campaigned on a responsive government, newly-elected Governor Rob McDongle is not planning to order the state government to do anything about the winter weather which is quickly covering roads, downing power lines, and creating hazardous conditions around Virginia today. He says he's waiting for a "legislative fix" to the huge snowstorm enveloping the state this weekend.

"Basically I've met with some key legislators and outlined my suggestions, but it's up to them to handle any crises," McDongle said today. "That's my strategy for dealing with the state budget, transportation issues, and pretty much everything. If I try to lead too much, people might blame me when things go wrong. I'm hoping we can just wait this one out.

"The snow will melt eventually, you know," he added, trying to look and sound presidential.

Although McDongle's lack of response is being criticized by state Democrats, local Republican state senator Mick Orbitshave says he's on the right track. Orbitshave, a frequent critic of the Virginia Department of Transportation, says that VDOT would just be wasting money anyway if the governor ordered it into action. "Did you know that they have people just sitting in trucks waiting for the snow to arrive, sometimes hours before the snow begins to fall? Wasteful. They also put a little too much salt on the road in some places and I don't care for the width of their snowplows. Why can't VDOT use temporary employees and magically appear only at the times and places needed and then not cost us any money otherwise? I demand that VDOT be not only transparent, but also clairvoyant."

When asked for his response to Orbitshave's comments, McDongle gave a noncommittal shrug.

Image from Wikimedia Commons.