Crosby Inc

Movie Remakes After Being Dark-Knighted

noreply@blogger.com (Brian) — Sat, 06 Aug 2011 22:36:00 +0000

Gumption: A soldier with PTSD takes an old women hostage after she refuses to hear his stories. Several more women attempt to use the park and are also taken hostage. It is then that the police realize why the man suddenly went off. Gump’s son was taken from his care that morning because the boy’s chocolate-only diet gave him juvenile diabetes.

Uppers: Reeling from the sudden death of his wife, Carl Frederickson numbs the pain with a heavy dose of Meth. He goes on hallucinogenic adventure in his own mind, riddled with images of the life he could have had. In the end he chooses to remain in the dream forever and adopts an Asian baby.

The Princess Died: A fairy tale story where a swashbuckler battles several foes to find his kidnapped maiden. But she’s dead when he gets there.

Hiatus

noreply@blogger.com (Brian) — Tue, 04 Jan 2011 04:16:00 +0000

Hey team,

I'm taking a break for a little while.

I will be in Chicago mid January for the Chicago Sketch Comedy Festival - both of my troupes were invited to perform - and i expect you will hear from me afterward. Thanks for reading.

~Brian

Boxing Day

noreply@blogger.com (Brian) — Wed, 29 Dec 2010 19:00:00 +0000

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Haikus About Sleeping In Someone Else’s Living Room

noreply@blogger.com (Brian) — Mon, 27 Dec 2010 23:58:00 +0000

It is time for bed

I usually sleep nude

But the sofa is white

Socks in the oven

Toothbrush by the kitchen sink

I own this town now

Homeowners forget

They have morning kitchen sex

I cough loud: house guest

A Christmas Miracle

noreply@blogger.com (Brian) — Sat, 25 Dec 2010 17:17:00 +0000

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Stacks II

noreply@blogger.com (Brian) — Mon, 20 Dec 2010 18:57:00 +0000

There was only one strategy that Mandy could think of to get Joan to clean her room: conjure the spirits of her favourite writers and unleash an army of hyper-intellectual ghosts to break Joan’s will. She ran her fingers along the spines of her books until she found the right section (130 – Parapsychology & Occultism) and her original press copy of the Necronomicon.

There was no need to search the index because she had already post-it noted the spells she thought would be useful. She added ‘raising an army of the undead’ to her bucket list years ago and quickly found the appropriate tab. In order to bring about corporeal forms of her favourite dead authors, she had to place their books at the centre of the pentagram and speak the incantation in the tongue of the ancient Ghanese Vodoun people. Luckily, she had a book on that (493 - Non-Semitic Afro-Asiatic languages). And so it was that Mandy clicked and popped her way through the words and lickity-split, standing before her was Lewis Carol, F. Scott Fitzgerald, and Emily Bronte.

Stacks

noreply@blogger.com (Brian) — Thu, 16 Dec 2010 00:23:00 +0000

Once upon a time there were these two sisters. They both had bookshelves stacked with books but the shelves were very different. Mandy’s shelves were made of thick, rich, brown wood while Joan’s case was thin, scratched, and teetered precariously.

The books on Mandy’s shelves were carefully alphabetized for easy selection and categorized according to the dewy decimal system. That included classification for kinds of books she only own one of such as “UFO’s and Self Defense” (999-Extraterrestrial) and the children's book “Sharing and Caring” (335 – Socialism). Her books were dusted weekly and she utilized a system of book recycling by moving any books not read in the past year to the lower shelf for donation. After a book spent a week on the green mile – she upholstered the shelf in green fabric – she would reassess its value and possibly replace it on the shelf or banish it forever. Despite the second chance system, this warden had never granted a pardon.

The books on Joan’s shelves were organized in that the books she had put back recently were stacked on top of other books. By her logic, the books at the top can be overlooked and the books at the bottom have been previously overlooked and she should therefore probably get some new books. 90% of her books were about ponies. One Christmas her grandmother misheard her and gave her a book about peonies; the book is the only one prominently displayed and only as a reminder of the injustice. Once a month, Mandy will hesitantly ask her to clean up her visually offending area and Joan will being to comply. Joan will stack two or three books at right angles before becoming immediately distracted by one of those long forgotten bottom books. She will sit and read it and then find another bottom book to read and then another, and then she will leave the house for cupcakes and leave the stack of half read books on the floor, messier than ever.

Sometimes Mandy would complain that she could not bring her boyfriend over because of the mess of her sister. Mandy’s boyfriend was Benjamin Walter Samuelson, President of the their Jr. High and second place winner at the school’s public speaking competition. Mandy didn’t hesitate to remind people of his achievement and often commented that his speech on improving the nutrition of cafeteria food was far superior to the winner’s speech on hope but those German judges were obviously corrupt. Secretly, she felt as if she had let Benjamin down by backing out of her promise to invite him over and help him prepare for the big speech. Regardless, first and second place were allowed to go to regionals and she saw an opportunity to make good on her word. She was determined to have Benjamin over to her house and maybe up to her room. That meant convincing Joan to clean up her stuff, no matter the cost.

Phone Sex

noreply@blogger.com (Brian) — Mon, 13 Dec 2010 17:27:00 +0000

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The Perfect Town

noreply@blogger.com (Brian) — Sun, 12 Dec 2010 18:50:00 +0000

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Guilty Pleasures

noreply@blogger.com (Brian) — Fri, 10 Dec 2010 15:47:00 +0000

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Theme Park

noreply@blogger.com (Brian) — Wed, 08 Dec 2010 16:00:00 +0000

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Christmas Present

noreply@blogger.com (Brian) — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 16:23:00 +0000

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Battle of Geonosis

noreply@blogger.com (Brian) — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 04:43:00 +0000

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A Song Writer Has Trouble

noreply@blogger.com (Brian) — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 03:44:00 +0000

Song Writer: I want to write a song about my grand father dying but I don't know where to start.

Singer: A minor.

A Rock Band Doesn't Understand Metaphor

noreply@blogger.com (Brian) — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 03:42:00 +0000

Lead Singer: Hello, we're Cautionary Tales. We're going to play a few songs for you. This one is called, "Don't Move In With Your Boyfriend If You're Having Relationship Trouble."

Bass Player: Based on a true story.

A Voltron Cover Band Plays Another Song

noreply@blogger.com (Brian) — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 03:05:00 +0000

Lead Singer: Thanks everyone. That was the theme to Voltron. Next up, we're going to play it again.

Crowd: Yaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy!

American Groupings of the World's Nations

noreply@blogger.com (Brian) — Thu, 02 Dec 2010 04:26:00 +0000

Axis of Evil
Axis of Annoyance
Axis of Mild Discomfort
League of Beneficial Yes-Men
Federation of Tolerable Desk Partners
Alignment of Everybody Else

Creating Better Power Point Presentations

noreply@blogger.com (Brian) — Tue, 30 Nov 2010 02:01:00 +0000

So you’re in charge of presenting the company’s third quarter update to the board of directors but your business lost money. Worse yet, your charts are a mess! Don’t worry, here is a simple tip to make that presentation look like a million bucks.

Insert a 3D Tank.

A 3D tank is the perfect visual to spice up those lackluster bar graphs. Just when you announce the 10% drop in online sales, have the tank roll down the X-axis and blow the shit out of those sagging Spring projections.

There are several websites from which you can buy pre-rendered 3D tanks models. Good ones are 3Dtankmodels.com, 3Dtanks.com, animatedlandbasedmilitaryvehicleswithtreds.com. They are royalty free so you can put the tank in every slide and it won’t cost you extra.

3D tanks. They’re unexpected but always a crowd-pleaser.

Ten Year Old Girl Realizes A Santa In The Mall Can’t Be The Same Santa At A Different Mall

noreply@blogger.com (Brian) — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 14:42:00 +0000

(AP - Ohio) Yesterday, ten year old Abigail Smith realized that the Santa she visited at the Easton Town Centre cannot have been the same Santa she saw the Lane Avenue Shopping Centre earlier that day. She noted, “The Easton Town Santa was open 12 – 4. The Lane Avenue Santa was open 11 – 3. Something doesn’t make sense.”

Abigail’s mother explained to her that Santa was magic and he could do anything. This explanation had satisfied the girl in the past but now that she was ten, it wasn’t enough. “If he was that powerful,” Abigail questioned, “why doesn’t he end world hunger and stop all the wars? Oh my god, there’s no such thing as Jesus.”

Cover Letter

noreply@blogger.com (Brian) — Fri, 26 Nov 2010 18:40:00 +0000

TO: Company
Fr: Me
Subject: Money

Dear Prospective Employer:

Please accept my application for the job you have available. I am actually trained to do something entirely different but I need money. As someone who works for money, I know that you will understand.

I use Microsoft Office everyday but I have no idea how to use most of its functions. I certainly do not know how to use the businessy ones like Mail Merge. Once, I used Excel to make myself a budget but that was four years ago. I type well though, so if you break all your fingers, I will be a great asset to your company.

Honestly, this cover letter concept makes me nervous. I do not understand the purpose of listing basic human skills like when people say they are 'organized.' If I was doing the hiring and someone told me one of their best skills was being organized, I would not hire them.

Everyone is at least kind of organized. If they weren't, people would not ever do anything. Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that I am organized. Not super organized but at least organized enough to send you this letter before the deadline and, honestly, this job does not seem any more challenging than that.

Thank you for this opportunity.

Brian

Iranian Email

noreply@blogger.com (Brian) — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 23:17:00 +0000

TO: Obama@whitehouse.gov, Netanyahu@knesset.il
FR: Ahmadinejad@president.ir
Subject: Tea?

Message:

Gentlemen, I do not appreciate your public attacks of Iran. The meeting you requested to discuss my country’s nuclear ambitions will not occur as I do not consider Iran’s internal power needs to be an international problem. Trust me, that is all our nuclear technology is used for, lights and heat.

I feel like our relationships got off to a bad start. I would like to invite you both for tea. You should visit me at my cabin tomorrow. It is a small shack location in the middle of a remote desert which has been turned into glass. I would love to see you both there at T-minus twelve hours, er, I mean, 9:00 AM.

Please ignore the other destroyed cabins nearby. I’ve been meaning to fix them but I’m sort of the Tim ‘The Tool Man’ Taylor of Iran.

See you tomorrow!

-Ahmadinejad

Two Book Publishers Update ‘The Baby Sitters Club’

noreply@blogger.com (Brian) — Mon, 22 Nov 2010 18:07:00 +0000

One: Kids today get older faster. We need a way to capitalize on the existing demographic while giving the series some edge for a new generation.

Two: What if it wasn't a club but a vodka sex party?

One: Bam.

A Woman Yells At A Child During A Hockey Game

noreply@blogger.com (Brian) — Mon, 22 Nov 2010 04:59:00 +0000

One: Hey number five! You really suck.
Two: But -
One: If you're going to put goals in your own net, you should play for the other team.
Two: I -
One: Cry why don't you. Cry like a baby. That's why they call you Cryin' Brian.
Two: I'm Jake.
One: I'm so sorry! I thought you were my son.

Two Canadian Politicians Talk About Climate Change Policy

noreply@blogger.com (Brian) — Sat, 20 Nov 2010 01:03:00 +0000

One: I’ve been getting a lot of angry phone calls since the climate change bill got scrapped.

Two: We didn’t need that plan.

One: Now we need a new plan.

Two: Canada has a plan. It’s the American plan.

One: But that’s the American plan.

Two: America has a good plan. We can take that plan and make it our plan.

One: But we just killed our plan.

Two: All we have to do is follow the plan.

One: We should have a Canadian plan.

Two: The plan is good for Canada because it’s good for America which good for Canada.

One: Maybe.

Two: Not every plan has to be made in Canada. This jacket wasn’t made in Canada but it still works.

One: I think you’re missing the point.

Two: That’s the plan.

Two Cruise Boat Passengers Plan Their Day

noreply@blogger.com (Brian) — Wed, 17 Nov 2010 19:13:00 +0000

One: What are you going to do today?
Two: I am going to do nothing but sit by this beautiful pool and read my interesting book. What about you?
One: I`m not sure. There was a fire in the engine room and most of the electricity is out.
Two: What!? So, I am forced sit by the dumb pool and read my stupid book?

Crosby Inc

Movie Remakes After Being Dark-Knighted

***Hiatus***

Boxing Day

Haikus About Sleeping In Someone Else’s Living Room

A Christmas Miracle

Stacks II

Stacks

Phone Sex

The Perfect Town

Guilty Pleasures

Theme Park

Christmas Present

Battle of Geonosis

A Song Writer Has Trouble

A Rock Band Doesn't Understand Metaphor

A Voltron Cover Band Plays Another Song

American Groupings of the World's Nations

Creating Better Power Point Presentations

Ten Year Old Girl Realizes A Santa In The Mall Can’t Be The Same Santa At A Different Mall

Cover Letter

Iranian Email

Two Book Publishers Update ‘The Baby Sitters Club’

A Woman Yells At A Child During A Hockey Game

Two Canadian Politicians Talk About Climate Change Policy

Two Cruise Boat Passengers Plan Their Day

Hiatus