Kerry Patterson is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer.

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I was looking for lead pennies in the change drawer grandpa kept at the front of his grocery store when Chuck hurled his massive bulk through the front door. Chuck’s body wouldn’t let him come in gently. His misshapen feet forced him to lean forward at a tilt that propelled him quickly and precariously across the floor until his cane eventually brought him to a halt.

“A pack of Luckies!” Chuck shouted to my grandfather who, having heard Chuck’s rumbling arrival, was now standing behind the counter. The two men exchanged friendly banter as grandpa rang up twenty-three cents on the cash register and handed Chuck two cents in change. I watched as Chuck gingerly leaned on the counter for support, rifled through his right front pocket, pulled out a wooden match, dragged it across the back of the cash register, and then put the flame to one of the cigarettes he had just purchased.

I liked Chuck. He was always cheerful and, even though I was only a kid, he treated me like a real person. I felt sorry for him though. His feet were horribly turned in and you could tell that it took a great deal of effort, accompanied by a lot of pain, just for him to get around. I had no idea what had happened to him, but had long ago learned it wasn’t something I should ask him directly.

Nevertheless, we did talk. Whenever I ran into Chuck at my grandpa’s grocery store or around the neighborhood, we discussed baseball. We were both fans. On this particular day, as Chuck puffed on his cigarette, we chatted about Dizzy Dean and what a cracker jack announcer he was.

“He hit the ball nine miles,” I shouted in my best Dizzy Dean voice. “Four and a half up and four and a half down!” Then the two of us laughed. It was nice having a real conversation with an adult, even though I was only seven.

“What happened to Chuck?” I asked my mom over the canned tamales we had for dinner that evening. “Why can’t he walk like everyone else?”

“I’m afraid it was his mother’s fault,” Mom responded.

“Melba!” my father inserted—unhappy with what he thought was an attack on Chuck’s mother. Dad had no patience with speaking ill of others.

“Well, it’s true!” Mom said. “Chuck was born with his feet turned in. The doctor prescribed special shoes that would eventually correct the problem. But every time she put on the shoes, little Chucky would whine or cry. They were terribly uncomfortable. His mom couldn’t bear to see him suffer, so one day she simply stopped making him put on those shoes. Now Chuck is a grown man and he’ll never walk normally. It’s his mom’s fault because she gave in to his complaints.”

This was my first encounter with the concept of “tough love.” I could see Mom’s point, but couldn’t totally grasp the idea. It had too many facets for my young mind.

Now, insisting that someone else do the hard thing in the short-run in order to provide a benefit over the long-run—why, that’s easy. When we’re not actually in someone else’s skin, we know with certainty that, given the chance, we’d act thoughtfully and logically—even if it were hard. We’d insist that little Chucky wear his corrective shoes. It’s easy to make such a claim when you’ve never actually held him in your arms, heard his whimpering, or stared into his eyes.

To her credit, Mom demanded that she herself administer that same tough love when called for. It wasn’t long until I discovered this firsthand. As I moseyed home from school a couple of days later, I ran into “Red-headed Rodney” Axleby, the eight-year-old boy who lived just up the hill on the way to our house. Red-headed Rodney asked me to come play with him. I explained that I had to go straight home from school or I’d get in serious trouble with my mom. Rodney didn’t care about our silly rules and since he was bigger than me, he told me he’d beat me up if I didn’t stay and play.

An hour and a half later, when I finally arrived home, Mom was standing on the porch with her arms folded. This wasn’t going to go well for me.

“Go cut a switch,” Mom insisted as she handed me a knife.

This was new. I had to cut the switch that she’d use to punish me and it wasn’t even my fault. What was the world coming to? A few minutes later, I returned with a switch small enough to not hurt much but not so small as to anger my mother further. She immediately put me across her knees.

“But Mom,” I cried. “Rodney made me play with him. I wanted to come home on time. Honest. But Mom . . .”

Swat! Mom wasn’t taking excuses. She also wasn’t taking any satisfaction from the experience. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see tears slowly running down her cheeks. Mother never used a switch on me again (although as the years unfolded she did find plenty of other ways to discipline me). I also was never late coming home from school again.

Decades later, as I drove my eighty-year-old mother to the market and happened to catch a glimpse of what looked like the adult version of Red-headed Rodney in the rearview mirror, the memory of that switching came to mind.

“Hey!” I accused. “How come when I was just a little kid and I came home late from school because Red-headed Rodney made me stay and play with him, you punished me? It wasn’t my fault!”

“I hated doing that,” Mom explained.

“So why did you do it?”

“Five days a week you walked home from school all by yourself, a full mile and a half, down a road that was filled with all kinds of temptations and dangers. I knew if I let you stop and play with friends, skip rocks on the pond, chase water-skippers and the like—you’d never get home on time and who knows what would happen to you.”

“Plus you had a very inventive mind,” Mom continued. “If I accepted your explanation that a bully forced you to stay and play, you’d have ten more reasons for being late the next day and twenty more the next. I hated spanking you that day. If I had done what I wanted, I would have taken you into my arms. But I did what I thought was best for you.”

Mom understood tough love.

My partner once sat on the plane next to a fellow who had just given a speech on the threats to the modern family. “What’s the biggest threat?” my partner asked.

“Distance,” the fellow replied. “In today’s mobile society, grandparents often live far away from their grandkids.”

“And why’s that a threat to the family?” my partner asked.

“Because it’s a grandparent’s job to give unconditional love. Kids need people who dote over them, no matter what, and grandparents are perfect for the job.”

My one living grandfather (the one who owned the grocery store) knew all about unconditional love. He thought the sun rose and set on me. I could tell by the look on his face. I’ve tried to be equally admiring of my own grandchildren, plus, I’ve done my best to be just as loving to the neighbor kids when they drop by. Everyone needs an occasional dose of undiluted adoration from someone who doesn’t also punish them. And you know what? I’m up to the task.

But now, as I think of the many faces of love, my mind turns to the tears running down my mother’s cheeks that day. I don’t know if spanking me was the right thing to do. I’m certainly not advocating corporal punishment. But I do know she was doing what she thought was right, even though it hurt her.

So Mom, for Mother’s Day this year, let me say this: thanks for loving and adoring me when I did the right thing. And equally important, thanks for being tough when I didn’t.

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See what can happen if you select the wrong answer.

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We’re celebrating the launch of our new training product, Crucial Conversations 4. Celebrate with us by entering our giveaway for a free training scholarship.

To learn more about Crucial Conversations 4, visit vitalsmarts.com.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

David Maxfield is coauthor of two New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything and Influencer.

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Dear Crucial Skills,

I am part of a group of employees who work as internal consultants focused on motivating and improving others to reach excellence. We use several tools to accomplish this and are fairly well versed in VitalSmarts’ training programs.

Our issue is that our Government employer has let it slip that our program and positions will be cut next year. I’d like to find a way to influence my coworkers to not give up and stay motivated. One option I have considered is sending a friendly e-mail to our group with some motivating words. Another option is to point out that when employers look at resumes, they look for previous work accomplishments. This next year is a great opportunity for our team to strive for certain accomplishments that are resume-worthy.

Can you share some additional thoughts on motivating people who know their positions will soon be cut?

Wanting to Help

Dear Wanting to Help,

I’m very sorry you and your colleagues find yourselves in such an unfortunate position. Knowing your job is ending has to be extremely frustrating, disappointing, and stressful. Undoubtedly, it changes people’s priorities. The fact that you work in the public service adds a twist to your situation, but I will try to make my answer relevant to both private and public sector employees.

When humans feel threatened, we go into survival mode. We focus on the short-term and on our own security. You and your colleagues are doubtlessly trying to figure out how to survive, get other jobs, and take care of yourselves and your families. It’s easy to see how your customers could become a distant priority.

And yet, you want to do the right thing for yourselves, your families, and your customers. For some, the right thing might be to quickly find another job; for others, it might be to stay and double down on their efforts at work. Each of your colleagues will need to make his or her own decision.

Discretionary effort. My focus won’t be on how to get your colleagues to do the minimum to get by. The managers at your organization need to hold people accountable for doing their jobs. That hasn’t changed. I think your question focuses on discretionary effort—the extra effort employees often invest beyond what’s required. The question is, how do you influence yourself and your colleagues to continue to go above and beyond?

Emphasize choice. It’s easy to fall into the trap of telling people what they ought to do. Before we know it, we’re giving sermons and lectures to people who haven’t asked for our advice. Consider using the communication tool called Motivational Interviewing. The goal of this tool is to help other people explore the pluses and minuses of their choices—instead of telling them what you think they should do. Here is an example of this approach.

You: “On a scale from 1 to 10, how motivated are you to provide the best possible service to this customer?”

Your Colleague: “Not very motivated at all. I’d say about a 3.”

You: “But not a 1? Why would you say a 3 instead of something lower like a 2 or a 1?”

Your Colleague: “I can think of several reasons. I see myself as a professional who does what’s right. I enjoy this work and I’m good at it, and I realize that the individual customers I support didn’t make the decision to terminate us. I also need to keep this paycheck for as many months as I can, and I want to take advantage of the outplacement counseling and bonus our employer has promised us if we stay.”

Notice that your colleague is the one who is explaining the pluses of serving the customer. Of course, your colleague is still very much aware of the minuses as well, but you haven’t forced him or her into a debate. Again, I want to emphasize that your colleague’s reasoned decision—after weighing the pluses and minuses—might be to focus on finding a new job. Motivational interviewing, when done well, helps people analyze their options; it doesn’t push one option over another.

Mutual Purpose. The end of a contract and the end of employment would seem to sever the Mutual Purpose that used to exist between yourselves and your customer. The natural reaction is, “You don’t care about us, so why should we care about you?” Instead of rejecting the possibility of Mutual Purpose, I recommend looking for new common ground.

You and your colleagues have a new set of goals: landing on your feet financially, getting other jobs, and protecting your families from economic ruin. Recognize that these goals are legitimate and may need to be your first priority. And, obviously, they may conflict with serving your customer.

Some people will exaggerate this conflict. They’ll say, “You need to choose between yourself and your customer. If you choose yourself, then you need to quit your job. If you choose the customer, then you’re walking your family off the edge of a cliff.” Instead of exaggerating this conflict ask: “How can I help myself and my family, and provide quality service to my customer at the same time?”

Use personal and vicarious experience. Sharing motivational statements in an e-mail or a meeting won’t be convincing enough for your colleagues to bet their families’ financial security. They need to see examples of real people—colleagues and former colleagues—who’ve been in the same boat, have modeled a solution, and proven it works. These successful colleagues need to share their stories—in person if possible. They need to explain what they did and tell how it helped their customers, themselves, and their families. They also need to be prepared to answer skeptics’ questions.

Retention incentives. Some organizations (but rarely government agencies) will use incentives such as transfers, outplacement services, and retention bonuses to motivate employees to stay through the end of a contract. It doesn’t sound as if your employer was prepared with these options. If they did offer retention incentives, it might help to remind your colleagues of this motivating factor.

Take action. My final bit of advice is to ask yourself what you want long term and take immediate action to get there. Don’t wait to see what happens. Instead, take charge of your career. Recognize that you’ve been dealt a very bad hand, and that it will take a lot of extra effort on your part to get back to where you were. You may need to learn new skills or take a second job—maybe even a volunteer job that puts experience on your resume. Leverage your relationships with your customers. They may be a wonderful source for recommendations and opportunities.

I’m sorry you and your colleagues are in this difficult position and wish you the best as you search for a solution that works for you and encourage your colleagues to do so as well.

David

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John C. used crucial conversations skills to get to safety when he found himself under live-fire.

Over the years, I’ve canoed the Brazos River near Brenham, Texas. It is usually a relaxing way to get back to nature and away from everyday stress. It is an old, slow, and sometimes shallow river, so you never see jet skis or large motorboats. Many days, you may never see another human being!

The most stressful things I have encountered were the occasional alligator, miscalculations of time, and getting the canoe out of the water on steep and narrow footpaths. One Saturday, however, all of that changed.

That day, the river was high and flowing fast. It was a cool seventy degrees with beautiful fluffy clouds in a perfect blue sky. We heard someone shooting off in the distance.

As we got closer, the shooting became louder. Since we couldn’t see over the steep bank, we figured it was someone target practicing. Then suddenly, we heard another shot followed by the plinking of buckshot hitting the water beside me. Another quick shot and more plinking—this time a few pellets hit the side of the canoe.

We started screaming “Quit it!” as loudly as possible. In the country, sound carries and surely this careless shooter would hear us and stop. But then a third shot and more plinking. We were now fifteen feet downstream from the first blast and the story I told myself was that the gunman was deliberately shooting at us.

My adrenaline started pumping and my first thought was to make this person realize he or she was very much in the wrong by yelling “Stop it you IDIOT!”

I quickly realized I needed to examine my motives and start from my heart. I asked myself what I didn’t want to happen. I didn’t want to get shot. I then asked what I did want. I wanted to get out of there safely. Calling this stranger an idiot might make me feel better for a second, but it wasn’t going to help me achieve my goal.

I then asked myself, “What can I do right now if I really want these results?” The answer was obvious. I quit yelling and dug my oar in hard and fast. My companion heard my paddle, stopped shouting, and quickly joined in getting us to safety.

Before attending Crucial Conversations Training, I would have lost my cool and perhaps angered someone who clearly had the upper hand. And no matter what training we have, we all know who wins when you bring a canoe to a gun fight!

If you have a Before and After story you’d like to share, please send your story to beforeandafter@vitalsmarts.com.

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I’m really struggling with time management in my classes. I always find myself thinking, “I wish I had more time!” I skip over things I don’t want to skip and rush through section and exercises I really shouldn’t rush through. I would really appreciate your suggestions on improving time management in the classroom.

Thanks for the great question! Time is my nemesis. I plan wonderful stories and activities for my classes and time steals them away. I have a way to go in my trials with time, but I’ve learned a few practical helps.

The clock is half full
After I said “I wish we had more time,” a participant once told me: “When you stress about time, it makes us stress. Focus on the benefit of the time left. If you focus on the time we don’t have, it undermines the productivity of the time we do have.”

Add, don’t subtract
When you have significantly less time than you need, it’s better to add than subtract. If you start with the full training and whittle it down, you end up frustrated at what you can’t include and usually cram in too much. Start from scratch and add things that you’ll have time to do.

Rushing to slow down
Lessons begin with a problem, a solution/skill follows, then end with practice and application. Problems are fun to talk about and generate stories but this is not where you want to spend time. It’s better to rush through the problem so that you can slow down on the skill, practice, and application.

If you’re behind in Crucial Conversations for example, you could get right to the STATE skill by asking, “Who struggles with sharing tough messages?” All hands go up and then you ask them to write out their tough message. Transition straight to STATE with, “Turn to page XX, and we’ll learn the skill masters of dialogue use to share tough messages.” This saves 15 minutes you can use for practice and application.

Brain speed over mouth speed
If you talk really fast and cut out discussion, practice, etc. you can train a two-day class in one day. Don’t. People need time to absorb the content and integrate it into their world. Where will they apply this? How will it work? What words feel comfortable for them? It’s better to cut an entire lesson than rush through two in the same amount of time. Cognitive overload without interaction and application becomes a useless lecture.

Deceptive time wasters

• Too many stories and stories that are too long. Get to the point and use stories to highlight key skills.
• Don’t debrief as a class what groups have already discussed. It kills energy and wastes time. Instead, try: “Wasn’t that great insight from your group? Let’s move on.” or “Each group give me one quick idea. Go!”
• Our comments on the training or participant’s comments add up. Comments show we’ve learned the tools, we want time for them to learn and do the commenting!
• Discussion time should match the topic. For a fun introductory idea try, “Take sixty seconds and come up with at least three ideas.” Save “take ten minutes in your groups” for practice and application.

Talk slowly
Ron McMillan once told me to talk slower when I’m behind. It works. It keeps me and the class calm and helps me focus on key points instead of cramming.

Time trials taught me an important lesson. Time is my friend.

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Joseph Grenny is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer.

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Dear Crucial Skills,

I’m a member of a coffee group with fifteen other ladies. We’ve met every other Friday for the past two years and we all get along great apart from one person who I will call Mary. Her conversation is limited to her allergies, card making, and ducks. On a recent trip, two of the ladies were miserable because she was with them for the whole day and they felt very frustrated in her company.

Some of us think Mary has autistic tendencies because she is so precise about every detail, has no sense of humor, and is not very aware of other people’s needs. I feel awful even making such an assumption but there is something “different” about Mary. I feel sorry for Mary as she doesn’t appear to have any other friends and I am glad we can include her; however, it’s starting to affect the group so much that one individual no longer wants to be a part and others don’t want to join in any activities if Mary is participating.

Should I have a conversation with Mary to explain how her monopolizing actions affect others, or should I have a conversation with the group to get them to be more tolerant of Mary?

Something about Mary

 Dear Something about Mary,

This one’s easy. I think you should do both.

Well, that was the easy part, anyway. The rest could be tricky. I’m glad you love Mary and are sensitive to her needs. Because you care about her you are in the best position possible to make a difference for her. Here’s what I suggest.

First, help your friends recognize the passive aggressive way they’re dealing with things. It sounds to me like they’re talking with everyone about their frustrations with Mary except Mary. And even worse, they’re blaming Mary for the passive way they’re dealing with their frustration.

Now, I’ll acknowledge that even if they do everything right in the future, they still may find that Mary is unpleasant to be around. But until they own up to the fact that they’re blaming Mary for their own inaction they won’t be in a position to make that judgment fairly.

For example, if Mary goes on for an hour telling endless stories in excruciating detail about ducks and allergies, and your friends fail to intervene, then they colluded with her in the agenda of the hour. They are in no position to blame her exclusively for their misery. I could be wrong here, but in my experience, those who are least sensitive to social cues are also the least sensitive to social intervention. With people like this, I’ve found you can interrupt fairly abruptly and say something like, “Can I take the conversation in a different direction?” Then do it.

I once knew a man, for example, who never picked up on a hint that I wanted to end the conversation and leave. I would say, “Gotta wrap this up,” or, “I’ve got a meeting I need to get to soon,” and he would launch into another meandering narrative. I felt resentful of him until I realized the problem was not him, it was me. So I began to say, “I’m walking away in sixty seconds.” Then I would do it. And it worked. I felt less resentful of him because I was back in control of my life.

Second, develop a robust coaching contract with your friend. I think you’re wise to suspect that a mild form of Asperger’s or Autism could be involved given the range of behaviors you describe. I also respect the way you Master Your Story by speculating that these kinds of ability issues could be at play and not just a narcissistic personality. That kind of story tempers your judgments and helps you approach her with greater sympathy. Good for you!

Your goal in this crucial conversation is to come to agreement about some ways you will intervene to coach her when she’s annoying others. Here’s a possible approach:

1. Start with safety. “Mary, I’m glad I know you. I appreciate what you bring to our coffee group, and I hope that association continues for a long time. That’s why I want to talk with you. There’s something going on that I suspect you’re not aware of that is creating challenges in the group. I’d like to ask your permission to share what I’ve seen as a way of solving the problem and making it work for all of us for a long time to come. Would that be okay?”

2. Describe the behavior. Assuming you get her consent, briefly lay out the pattern you see. “A couple of weeks ago when we were together for the whole day, I noticed that at one point you spoke for about an hour without interruption. Others were feeling impatient that you were the only one speaking. I even found myself checking out.”

3. Manage safety. While sharing this data, be sure to pause and reassure her of your respect and intent. For example, at this point I might say, “I am pretty sure you weren’t doing that intentionally. That’s why I’m bringing it up. I assumed you’d want to know if you were doing something that wasn’t working. I really want to be a friend and make our group inclusive and pleasant.”

4. Back to the behavior. “Over the course of the day I don’t think I recall you asking questions of others. When you spoke it tended to be lengthy and exclusively about your own interests.”

5. Invite dialogue. At this point, allow her to express her views. “Did you see things differently? Or was something going on behind that pattern I’m not aware of?”

6. Offer a solution. Again, from your description I suspect this is an ability issue, not just a lack of motivation. If so, I advise you to offer to be her coach. “Mary, I can help with this. If you’re unaware of it, we could develop some ways I can let you know if you’re going too long or not asking questions. For example, what if I put a hand on your forearm and talk over you? Would that work?”

If she’s unable to recognize social cues, your cues will have to be pretty obvious. But the good news is that those who do lack social sensitivity—including those with Asperger’s or Autism—can respond to that kind of clear and assertive coaching.

I made a new friend last year with whom I love to spend time. She is brilliant and has had a storied life, but I cannot have a conversation with her that lasts less than an hour. If we schedule a lunch, it is very difficult to end it in less than two hours. After knowing her for a few months, I began noticing I was avoiding her and making excuses rather than talking. When I stopped and reflected on my behavior, I realized I was losing the benefit of her rich friendship because I was unwilling to intervene when things weren’t working. Since then, I have learned to be very direct very quickly with her. “Helen (not her real name), I don’t have time now. I can’t wait to hear that point when we get together next week.” And then I smile, give her a hug, and walk away.

Now I genuinely look forward to my time with Helen. I hope you can find a way to feel the same way about Mary.

Warmly,
Joseph

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Kerry Patterson is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer.

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  Dear Crucial Skills,

One of my employees is going through a very difficult divorce. I advised her to take time off to settle her affairs, but she said she enjoys her time at work because it takes her away from her home and gives her a break from family issues.

However, I have noticed that she receives an excessive amount of personal calls and spends a lot of time responding to her personal e-mail during work hours. I do not want to be insensitive to her situation. How can I show my sympathy as I talk to my employee about her excessive use of personal communication at work?

Sympathetic Manager

  Dear Sympathetic Manager,

Your employee is lucky to have a boss who is concerned about her well-being and who is doing his or her best to balance individual needs with corporate demands. You’re correct in concluding that tough problems at home can indeed carry over to the workplace and they need to be carefully and respectfully managed.

Unfortunately, not everybody wants this to be true. For example, years ago I watched video clips from a training video library a friend loaned to me. In one of the performance management clips, an employee who showed up late to work pointed to a problem at home as part of the reason he hadn’t been on time. In response, the boss stated (and this was supposed to be a positive example) “At our company, we leave our personal problems at the door.”

I understand why a boss might want this to be true—you know, separate home and work to avoid any nasty conflicts—but I couldn’t help but chuckle as the video clip unfolded. Really? You think people can divorce themselves from their problems by simply willing themselves to do so? All they have to do is “leave their problems at the door”?

When this same video clip was shown during a training session I attended a few weeks later, the audience actually laughed at the line. People watching the video thought it was bizarre to even suggest that you could pause at the entrance to work, take a deep breath, and then completely separate yourself from whatever debacles, calamities, and misfortunes are taking place back at home (and they are taking place).

Make no mistake; when you hire someone, you hire the whole employee—including the life they live outside company walls.

And now for the other part of the problem you’ve identified. Those very same people who walk in the doors—complete with personal problems of all kinds and shapes—make promises to the company and that’s where the second half of the problem comes into play. Employees need to be anxiously engaged in serving the company’s needs—at reasonable speed and for a reasonable number of hours.

Here’s where it gets tricky. What, for example, is the appropriate amount of time to spend answering personal phone calls and e-mail? Zero? You’re suggesting that the employee in question is spending an “excessive” amount of time and I don’t doubt that. I also believe that you aren’t going to lay down a law that includes “never” in the guideline.

In fact, my bet is that you yourself take calls from home—I know I do. In fact, it’s not uncommon to see people in our company stay on task and put off interruptions in meetings such as phone calls from vendors and the like—but when it’s from home, they often take the call.

All of this, of course, leads us to the question of how many interruptions are too many? The answer lies in the nature of the job itself. Jobs on production lines, for example, afford little or no time for anything other than hooking on widgets as the parts flow by. Obviously, that doesn’t fit your circumstances. Free-effort jobs like yours and your employee’s do allow for the occasional side issue.

So, the question with your employee is, what are the consequences associated with her taking too many personal calls and messages? It bothers you and you think it’s excessive. Why is that? If your employee is simply spending too much time on personal business, then you might want to ask her to work an additional 15 minutes each day, as a way of making up for the loss. She can talk, she just needs to add back the time.

If the interruptions are disturbing meetings with coworkers, this is another problem with a different solution. If coworkers see her off task and complain about it, that’s still a different issue.

So, start by setting up a meeting with your employee. Think of the consequences that currently have you concerned and enter the conversation with these in mind. Start with Mutual Purpose. Explain that you want to be sensitive to her changing needs while also balancing the needs of the company.

In the spirit of being supportive, share what you’re currently doing to be helpful. For example, you advised her to take time off, you’ve agreed to build in flexible time to allow her to talk with lawyers, and so forth. Ask what else you can do to be of help during this stressful time.

Next, explain the challenges currently resulting from your employee’s frequent use of personal calls and e-mail. Don’t make this heavy-handed or punitive, simply state the facts. Once again, make it clear that your goal is to balance her needs with the job requirements. Openly discuss both the challenges and possible solutions.

Here is where you’ll need to focus on the specific consequences you want to mitigate. Are you dealing with number of minutes, unfinished tasks, interruptions, unhappy coworkers, etc.? Identify the issues that are relevant. Ask the employee for steps she can take to either make up for or resolve the negative consequences you’ve outlined. Jointly come up with a solution that meets everyone’s needs. Set clear standards for future behavior and thank her for her willingness to sit down and work through the challenge.

And bless you for wanting to do what’s right for everyone concerned.

Kerry

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Joseph Grenny is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer.

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Dear Crucial Skills,

An employee of mine had an exit interview with HR. In it, she told HR that I “lacked the people skills necessary to be a director.” She also asked that her opinion not be shared with me. Somehow my supervisor found out about it and told me—while reassuring me that she disagreed and believes I “don’t need to change a thing.”

I now find myself struggling in an emotional “no man’s land.” I want to crawl away in embarrassment to lick my wounds and I’m afraid of the repercussions of this negative opinion hanging out there.

I have talked to others and discovered there are those who agree with this criticism of me. I want to improve but don’t know what specifically her concerns were. I feel insecure because no one seems to be telling me their concerns directly.

How should I respond to negative feedback that was intended to be confidential?

Signed,
Shot in the Dark

 Dear Shot in the Dark,

Yuck. I hate being trapped. It’s so frustrating to be really motivated to take action but then to have your hands (or mouth) tied by someone else’s confidentiality commitment.

I had someone try to duct-tape my mouth recently, too. A friend said, “So-and-so’s daughter was just admitted to a rehab program (I’m changing some details here to avoid inappropriate disclosure). I just wanted you to know because I know you’re his friend, but you cannot let him know that you know as they would be very ashamed.”

So here I sit—caring about my friend, wanting to offer support, but with another friend trying to bind me into a confidentiality commitment I don’t want to keep.

I made a rule for myself years ago that I would never make an unconditional confidentiality commitment without knowing the consequences. Before people share sensitive information with me, I tell them clearly, “Please do not tell me anything you don’t want me to act on. If you put information in my head, I will do what I feel ethically bound to do afterward. Now, what would you like me to know?”

This little script helps the other person step up to greater ethical ownership themselves, rather than allowing them to engage me in a silent collusion that does nothing but generate gossip.

When my friend shared this sensitive information before I could get my script out, I immediately followed with, “I’m sorry, I’m not willing to make that commitment. You shouldn’t have shared that with me if you didn’t want me to act on it. Now, given that I intend to act on it, I’m fine giving you some time to decide what you want to do first. How much time would you like?”

I think this was a bit jarring for my friend, but I’m confident it will help him approach me more responsibly in the future.

So, how does this apply to your case? First, I’d suggest that in the future you have a similar boundary with your boss and others. Don’t let yourself get trapped into having information—including criticisms of you—that your hands are tied in addressing. Your boss shouldn’t have provided this feedback to you or she should have given you the freedom to follow up in a healthy way.

Frankly, I’m not sure how your boss got the information from what I assume was a confidential exit interview with HR. Someone needs to have a crucial confrontation with them about this unacceptable violation of process. Now that this information is in your brain, here are a couple of thoughts on how to deal with it:

Don’t outsource your self-worth. Your note sounds as though even days or weeks after getting the criticism you still feel emotionally wrapped up in it. I don’t blame you. I hate it when others think less of me than I’d like, but I’ve also learned that the first solution is not to resolve their concern but to address my own. When others’ comments about me make me want to “crawl away and lick my wounds,” I know I’m responding from insecurity rather than a healthy desire to improve. This comes from a false belief that if I make mistakes, then I am a mistake.

Your true worth—in my view—is not a function of how you do, but of who you are. Your value can’t be calculated as the mean on some 360° survey. When I am truly in touch with my worth, I find I am less controlled by other’s disappointment in me. When they doubt my competence, I don’t automatically begin doubting my worth. The truth about all of us is that we have infinite worth but finite competence. I encourage you first and foremost to do whatever works in your life to reconnect you with this fundamental awareness.

Help others tell more than they know. Once you are able to respond to the criticism from a place of confidence, I think you’ll still want to know if there is something you can improve. The barrier now is that people often know how they feel but don’t know why. They might “know” for example, that they feel uncomfortable around you, but they can’t identify concrete behaviors that make them feel this way. They say vague things like, “I just don’t trust her” or “She’s got a big ego.” They drew that conclusion through concrete experiences with you, but only remember the abstract conclusion they drew as a result. So how can you get to the facts behind their stories?

Once you help someone feel safe enough to offer you concrete feedback, you’ll need to help that person move from abstract story to concrete experience. That’s how you can help them tell more than they know. Here’s how it might work:

You: “So sometimes you see me as intimidating.”

Friend: “Yes, I mean that sounds harsh, but yes, a little.”

You: “Great. Next time we’re in a meeting together, would you please pay attention to when you’re feeling that way? And when that happens, take notes about what I’m doing. Would you do that for me? Pay attention to my phrasing, pace, volume, body language, etc. Just as you would need to if you were directing an actor to play me in a movie.”

Friend: (after the meeting). “Okay, so here’s what I noticed. Your voice rises just a little. Not loud. It’s not like you’re yelling. But the fact that you talked louder and a little faster made me feel like you thought my idea was dumb or that you weren’t interested in my opinion.”

This is hard work, but it’s the only way you can get concrete coaching about your own behavior.

Now, one last thought. As your friend gives you detailed behavioral feedback, realize that the real solution might not just be changing your behavior, but changing your motives and stories. It might be that when you are speaking a little louder and a little faster, you are in fact feeling impatient, judgmental, or condescending. And if that’s the case, be sure to work on the inside as well as the outside.

Good luck in your efforts to improve. And above all, remember that your sense of security has to come not from outside approval but from inner integrity.

Best wishes,
Joseph

Related Material:

1. Before & After: Confronting Public Feedback
2. Responding to Unwanted Parenting Advice
3. Vague Feedback

According to a recent poll we conducted with money expert Loral Langemeier, over the past five years, three out of five people have failed to meet their financial goals; despite this, only 24 percent are actively working to adjust their spending and saving habits.

As a result of failing to adjust spending and saving habits to new realities, two-thirds are in financial trouble and only 6 percent are on track to save enough for retirement. However, those who created a plan which includes four or more unique behavior-change tactics were 53 percent more successful in reaching their financial goals.

Here are some tips for using your tax refund to jump-start financial savings habits:

1. Change your paradigm from prize money to possibility: Change the way you think about your tax refund. Realize it isn’t a prize, but rather money you’ve earned in the last year through hard work. Consider the possibility of adding to your savings or investing for future security.
2. Overcome ignorance: If you struggle to save, you could be lacking skills rather than motivation. If you’re unsure on what to do with your refund, read a book or see an advisor who has knowledge you lack and can help you make a safe investment.
3. Turn accomplices into friends: Don’t underestimate the power of your peers. Stay away from friends who encourage you to spend your refund and hold your spouse or partner accountable to deposit your refund based upon your mutual goals.
4. Get a coach or mentor: Coaches—such as a financial advisor or friendly cheerleader—are crucial to behavior change success. Research shows people with a half dozen active friends who play the role of coach or mentor in encouraging saving are almost 40 percent more likely to succeed than those with less than a half dozen friends.
5. Reap a reward: Deposit 90 percent of your tax refund in your savings account and reward yourself by spending the remaining 10 percent on a low-budget treat or family outing.
6. Take advantage of technology: Cut out the temptation to cash a tax refund by opting for a direct deposit option that goes directly to your savings account.

For more tips on closing the financial gap and changing your spending or saving behavior, join Joseph and Loral in a paid web seminar on Tuesday, May 15.

Related Material:

1. Change Anything: Changing Spending Habits
2. Crucial Applications: How to Overcome a Career-Limiting Habit
3. Crucial Applications: A Six-Step Formula to Help Kids Lose Weight