Crucial Skills

Regaining Your Boss’ Trust

David Maxfield — Tue, 18 Jun 2013 23:25:35 +0000

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

David Maxfield is coauthor of three New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything.

Dear Crucial Skills,

I am struggling to regain my supervisor’s trust. I have made some errors—of omission, mainly—and have been written up. There are some extenuating circumstances such as an ill parent and my own depression and anxiety, but the bottom line is that my supervisor expects me to do my job.

She is micromanaging me now—searching for errors. I am afraid of losing my job, so I am always looking over my shoulder, wondering what she will find next. Fear and anxiety can create more mistakes, and I’m afraid I’ve created a dangerous pattern.

What else can I do to regain her confidence and trust and get out from under the microscope?

Trying to be Trustworthy

Dear Trying,

Thanks for your brave question. You’ve already avoided two mistakes that keep many of us stuck. You’ve accepted that you aren’t perfect, and you aren’t blaming others for your problems. You are taking responsibility, and that puts you on the right track. I think I can help.

Examine your story. You are telling yourself a very anxiety-provoking story—that your supervisor has you under a microscope, searching for errors, with the intent of firing you. Are you sure this story is correct? Interrogate your story by asking two questions: “Do I really have all the facts I need to be sure my story is correct?” and “Is there any other story that could fit this same set of facts?”

In particular, ask yourself whether you are misreading your supervisor’s motives. We humans tend to see the worst, rather than the best, in others’ motives. This bias is so common that psychologists have given it a name, the fundamental attribution error. What if you are wrong about your supervisor’s motives? What if your supervisor is rooting for you to succeed and sees her micromanagement as “helpful coaching”?

Clarify your intentions. It’s also possible your supervisor has misread your motives, so make them clear. Draw a line between your past errors and your new situation. Sometimes, an apology can be a good way to draw this line and make it clear that your motives are aligned with hers. In addition, do your best to remove any lingering doubts your supervisor might have about the extenuating circumstances you’ve described. Explain how you’ve resolved or stabilized them so they won’t undermine your work going forward.

Take the initiative. Act as if your supervisor is providing helpful coaching, and become the eager learner who is striving to reach perfection. When she searches for errors in your work, tell yourself she is trying to help and make an effort to learn from her. Use these times to ask her about her priorities, and to offer your help. Use this period to hone your craft and become the very best at your job.

Trust comes from sacrifice. Here is the hard part. Meeting the requirements of your job won’t be enough to create the trust you want from your supervisor. Personal trust comes from going “above and beyond” what is required—from making a personal sacrifice to showing your support for your boss’s goals. Often, this sacrifice is of time, effort, or other priorities. For you, it might mean volunteering to do a job nobody likes to do, spending extra time on a task that needs to be done, or getting up to speed on a skill that’s difficult to master. Work to create a reputation for doing more than what’s required.

I hope these ideas are helpful. Do other readers have ideas that could help? If so, please share your ideas in the comments below.

David

Related posts:

Rebuilding Trust After Layoffs

Regaining Work/Life Balance

Approaching a Hard-to-Please Boss

Success Story: VitalSmarts Training Helps Canadian Hospital Transform Its Culture

Editor — Tue, 18 Jun 2013 23:07:54 +0000

The Challenge
The staff at St. Joseph’s Health Care London didn’t talk to each other. Yes, they exchanged words, but when problems were serious and emotions were involved, many side-stepped core issues. Not only was this behavior unproductive and disrespectful for employees, it was potentially dangerous for patients.

The organizational development staff identified a training course that might help, especially in the interests of their main concern, patient safety. They also knew they needed an executive champion who could persuade busy physicians and nurses to participate. So they approached Dr. Gillian Kernaghan, a veteran family practice physician who was then the hospital’s Chief Medical Officer. She agreed something needed to be done.

“Only 50 percent of meetings were productive,” remembers Kernaghan, who is now the hospital’s President and CEO. “We had a lot of ‘Groundhog Days,’ where we talked about the same thing and didn’t find common purpose or get to actions that were agreeable.”

Kernaghan describes an environment where people wouldn’t speak up and sabotaged decisions that were made in the real “meeting” that happened in the hallway after.

“People pushed through their agenda by using power words like ‘patient safety,’ ‘evidence-based,’ and ‘family-centered,’” she says. “The implication was, ‘If you disagree with me you’re obviously not patient centered.’ Essentially, others couldn’t speak up because they felt shutdown.”

She also observed the initiatives that grew out of those limited discussions were less effective, leading to “rework” and “I told you so” comments even though people hadn’t spoken up in the first place.

“We needed to not only teach people to be nice to each other, but we also needed to get results by teaching them how to follow up and follow through,” she says. “We knew that if we could transform the way we communicated, our staff would be happier and more productive, and ultimately, our patients would be safer.”

So when she was asked to champion physician training that purported to address those needs, she agreed, knowing that in order to be an effective voice, she had to be “integrally involved.” So she registered to become a certified trainer of Crucial Conversations.

The Results: Read our case study to learn how Dr. Gillian Kernaghan used Crucial Conversations and Crucial Accountability Training to earn accreditation with exemplary standing, improve employee satisfaction scores, and see a significant improvement in holding others accountable.

What St. Joseph’s employees have to say: Read this guest post to see other ways employees at St. Joseph’s Health Care London have used Crucial Conversations and Crucial Accountability Training to change their culture.

Related posts:

Success Story: Crucial Conversations Training Improves Nurses’ Ability to Address Disruptive Physician Behavior

Case Study: Influencer Training Helps Tennessee Health System Achieve 100% EHR Adoption

Success Story: Nebo School District Uses Influencer Training to Improve Student Performance

Guest Post: The Vital Behaviors of Practice Change

Editor — Tue, 18 Jun 2013 19:37:40 +0000

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Cathy Parsons is a nursing practice consultant at St. Joseph’s Health Care London, and a Master of Applied Positive Psychology graduate, University of Pennsylvania, Philadelphia.

Practice changes are an everyday reality in the life of a healthcare provider. Clients, patients, and residents are more knowledgeable and expect care that is evidence-informed. All change creates some kind of emotional response. If the recommended change challenges staff members’ long-held assumptions and cherished beliefs, it may create frustration and moral distress. It may feel like the research negates years of tradition. For example, one of our units recently reflected on best practices for reducing patient falls and use of restraints, and practice changes have required a significant shift in staff behaviors and attitudes.

Don Ewert, Coordinator, Veterans Care, and I recently collaborated on ways to enhance the success of practice change by using an approach grounded in principles from VitalSmarts’ training. We used the skills from Crucial Conversations to achieve the organization’s vital behaviors of speaking up, holding each other accountable, and asking for help whenever concerned about safety, quality of care or service, and/or quality of work life.

Getting unstuck begins with our awareness of discomfort with the practice change. Our emotional response helps us to gauge whether we have a difference of opinion about the desired change, or whether we fear the stakes are high (maybe I won’t be able to do it). Starting with Heart reminds us that those promoting the practice change and those who put the change into practice usually have good intentions. By suspending judgment, admitting our biases, being open to new possibilities, and recognizing the role of Villain, Victim, or Helpless behavior, we Master Our Stories so that we can be fully engaged in the change process.

Stating Our Path requires us to share our views while also staying open to hear and consider others’ stories. During this step, Learning to Look for behaviors of Silence or Violence ensures that everyone continues to contribute to the Pool of Shared Meaning which is key to successful change. As we discover the Mutual Purpose of the change, we are more likely to show Mutual Respect when there are differences of opinion. This, in turn, makes it safe for dialogue to continue.

The term evidence-informed practice requires us to Explore Others’ Paths—including research on the subject, experience of the healthcare provider, and especially patient, client, and resident preference—this does not have to be an either/or choice! It also means that we prepare care providers with the skills and tools to successfully adopt the change. This is how we strengthen a person-centered approach to care in body, mind, and spirit.

Our Move to Action includes implementing and evaluating the change. The success of the change is assessed from the perspective of the patient, the care provider, and the care environment processes. Our vital behaviors help us to evolve the implementation process as we speak up about problematic aspects of the change, hold each other accountable when we see members of the team not modeling new behaviors, and ask for help when we feel unable to support the new practice. Ultimately, the way to enhance quality of patient care, build positive team relationships, and foster a shared and inclusive approach to practice change is grounded in the outcomes of these conversations.

Related posts:

Vital Behaviors for Entrepreneurs

Guest Post: 7 steps to evolve a culture from control to trust

How to Find Vital Behaviors

Leading Through a Crisis

Joseph Grenny — Tue, 11 Jun 2013 21:28:32 +0000

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Joseph Grenny is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer.

READ MORE

Dear Crucial Skills,

I was recently elected leader of a 30,000 person district in Kenya and my leadership is under threat.

For the last three weeks, we have had constant rainfall here. There is water everywhere, rivers have burst their banks, crops have washed away, most roads and bridges have been cut away, and several school buildings and homes have been blown away. Quite a number of deaths have been reported in the process, and most families’ homes no longer offer a good environment for living, as water is oozing through their ground floors. Soon, a malaria outbreak will follow as a result of mosquito bites. Too much water means crop failures and is the beginning of real hunger!

Some begin to question or threaten my leadership. What immediate solution can you give me to lead under such a situation?

Signed,
Leadership Crisis

Dear Leadership,

Kenya is a second home to me. I have met some remarkable leaders in your country from whom I’ve learned a great deal about human influence. I am happy to hear of your concern for the people you have been asked to serve. I have some very strong opinions about what you need to do to make a difference and solidify your support at this critical time.

In times of threat, people need to know two things from their leaders:

You care about my problems.

You are competent to help.

When people believe these two things about you, they trust you. If people trust your motives and your ability, you have their support.

Now, that’s easier said than done. When everything is broken, what do you do first? How do you show your concern when 1,000 things need attention? If you go to work on five of them, those who feel the most pain about the other 995 will think you don’t care. Furthermore, if you try to work on too many things, you will squander your finite resources while making little progress—thus undermining trust. So what can you do?

When Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf was re-elected as president of Liberia, the country was in a precarious situation. But she did three things that influenced trust in a remarkable way:

1. Go on a listening campaign. Be visible. Be accessible. Listen a lot. Empathize. Do your best to develop a theory of which problems you should address first. This step must not take so much time that people see you as politicking rather than taking action. However, it is crucial not just that you understand people’s concerns, but that they believe you understand.

2. Prioritize. Having listened deeply, set a small number of concrete and time-bound goals. When President Johnson-Sirleaf finished her listening campaign, she announced some very specific commitments she would complete in the first 150 days. If your community is smaller, you may want to set a tighter timeframe—perhaps seven-day, thirty-day, sixty-day, and ninety-day goals. For example, President Johnson-Sirleaf committed that within 150 days, her administration would:

Put 6,000 young people to work on road maintenance and beach clean-up projects.

Open 150km of feeder roads, linking thirty communities in two counties.

Open 150 new sanitation facilities.

Complete eleven reinforced concrete bridges.

Open seventy-five community wells in three counties.

Be sure you only make commitments you have the resources to keep. People will understand that you can’t do everything. As you announce these commitments, you are defining the terms by which people will begin to trust you. If you have listened well, and choose things people find important, they will let go of those things you have not committed to do and calibrate their future trust for you on the terms you set.

3. Go public. The next thing President Johnson-Sirleaf did was make weekly progress reports to the country on her commitments. This accomplished two things: 1) it put pressure on those whose job it was to deliver these commitments; 2) it built trust as people saw steady progress over the 150 days. Every week, Liberians were reminded what they could (and could not) expect from their president. And they learned that she had the leadership competence to fulfill her commitments.

Within 150 days, three-fourths of the commitments had been met. Not a perfect record, but far better than people had seen from previous administrations.

If you listen well, prioritize carefully, and go public with both commitments and progress, you can demonstrate to your community that you care about their concerns and that they can trust you to deliver.

I wish you the best in your leadership and service. Thank you for caring enough to put yourself in such vulnerable circumstances at such a crucial time.

Warmly,
Joseph

Crucial Applications: Antisocial Networks? How to Hold Effective Crucial Conversations on Social Media

Editor — Tue, 11 Jun 2013 21:19:18 +0000

According to our recent poll, social networks are becoming increasingly hostile, with 78 percent of users reporting rising incivility online and two in five blocking, unsubscribing, or “unfriending” someone over an argument on social media.

Specific findings include:

76 percent have witnessed an argument over social media

19 percent have decreased in-person contact with someone because of something they said online

88 percent believe people are less polite on social media than in person

81 percent say the difficult or emotionally charged conversations they have held over social media remain unresolved

Social media platforms aren’t the problem, it’s how people are using them that is causing a degradation of dialogue that has potential to destroy our most meaningful personal relationships.

Here are five tips for communicating both candidly and respectfully on social media:

Check your motives. Social media hasn’t only changed the way we communicate, it has modified our motives. Ask yourself, “Is my goal to get lots of ‘likes’ (or even provoke controversy)?” or “Do I want healthy dialogue?”

Replace hot words. If your goal is to make a point rather than score a point, replace “hot” words that provoke offense with words that help others understand your position. For example, replace “that is idiotic” with “I disagree for the following reasons . . .”

Pause to put emotions in check. Never post a comment when you’re feeling emotionally triggered. Never! If you wait four hours you’re likely to respond differently.

Agree before you disagree. It’s fine to disagree, but don’t point out your disagreement until you acknowledge areas where you agree. Often, arguers agree on 80 percent of the topic but create a false sense of conflict when they spend all their time arguing over the other 20 percent.

Trust your gut. When reading a response to your post and you feel the conversation is getting too emotional for an online exchange—you’re right! Stop. Take it offline. Or better yet, face-to-face.

For additional advice, including ten things NOT to do when communicating via social media, download our free e-book, “When Crucial Conversations Go Social: How to Handle Heated Discussions via Social Media.”

Related posts:

Antisocial Networks? Hostility on social media rising for 78 percent of users

Antisocial Networks?

Crucial Applications: How to Hold Slacking Coworkers Accountable

Confronting Troublemakers with the Facts

Kerry Patterson — Tue, 04 Jun 2013 23:31:07 +0000

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kerry Patterson is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer.

READ MORE

Dear Crucial Skills,

A couple of my employees tend to get all the other staff in an uproar. They constantly turn people against each other and pick on the newbies. How can I address my employees’ tendency to “stir the pot” and help them recognize the harm they’re doing to our work environment?

Mitigating Harm

Dear Mitigating,

Thanks for this interesting and important question. We’re often asked how to give feedback to direct reports who act in ways that cause problems. Sometimes these challenging individuals are described as having “bad chemistry” with their coworkers. On other occasions, they’re labeled “hard to work with,” “troublesome,” or even worse. In this case, the individuals in question cause uproars, turn people against each other, stir the pot, and pick on newbies.

As their supervisor, it’s your job to do something about the bad behavior. But what?

At first glance, suggesting that the individuals in question cause an uproar or turn people against each other may sound like a description of what they do, when, in fact, these particular words describe the effect not the cause. They behave in some particular way to cause an uproar or turn people against each other, but it’s impossible to decipher from these expressions alone which from millions of possible behaviors they enact.

If you expect the individuals in question to improve, they’ll need to change their behaviors—swapping out the old and replacing them with new. As a leader, you’ll need to adeptly describe, in detail, what they’re currently doing to cause an uproar and the other effects you’ve described.

Describing behaviors requires an understanding of exactly what the offending parties do along with the ability to describe their behavior in a way that is crystal clear. You have to see what others actually do and then metaphorically hold up a mirror so they can see what they need to change.

This can get complicated. When you suggest that the problem employees “stir the pot,” the metaphor masks the actual actions they take. If you tell them they “stir the pot,” they might know what you’re hinting at and change, but it seems unlikely. The same is true with expressions like “picking on newbies.” You include a verb that hints of certain behaviors, but alas, also leaves a lot to the imagination.

When I talk with people facing similar challenges and ask them to provide the behaviors (causes) behind the effects or vague conclusion they describe to me, they often can’t. Their conclusions are firm: “They constantly stir the pot.” That part they feel strongly about, but when I probe for detail, they aren’t able to describe the behaviors the other person enacts. They remember their emotional reaction far more clearly than the actions that took them there.

For instance, when trying to help a supervisor with a salesman who was “socially backward,” I asked for a detailed description of what the salesman did. The supervisor explained that he was “a nerd, a geek—you know, a dweeb.” The supervisor knew what he had concluded about the fellow, and was able to come up with synonyms, but couldn’t describe any actual behaviors.

So I asked him, “The last time he did something you thought was nerdy, what exactly did he do?”

“He looked like he had no confidence in what he was saying,” the supervisor responded. (Also a vague conclusion.)

“And what made him appear unconfident to you?” I continued to probe.

“He stared at the floor. He started a sentence three different times. He spoke in a low voice. The minute the person disagreed, he backed off even though he was correct . . .” and so forth.

At last, behaviors the other person might be able to recognize and replace. This is what the salesman needed to hear and correct.

Most of us use shorthand negative adjectives along with vague outcomes when talking with others because such simple expression often works for us. “Quit teasing your brother!” you bark to your son. He knows exactly what he’s doing and what to do instead. He knows because you’ve told him before—focusing on his actual actions. “Yes, I know you said his new shirt was cool, but you said it in a sing-song tone and rolled your eyes—and that appeared insincere.” You’ve described several versions of “teasing” to your son, so now when he does it, you can address it in shorthand.

However, with direct reports, where we don’t have a long history and the specialized code that comes with it, we need to carefully observe others in actions, take note of the actual behaviors that aren’t working, share those in a direct and non-punitive way, check to see if they understood us, and then talk about replacement behaviors.

I’m assuming you’ve watched your direct reports in action and have a whole list of undesirable actions they take, so you’re ready to hold a discussion in a way that will be helpful.

Start by holding separate conversations—one with each employee. Privacy is essential. Select no more than one or two of the areas you’d like to talk about. You don’t want to overwhelm the other person. Start by describing the undesirable behavior and what you’d like to see instead. Share three or four example actions and take special care to focus on their behaviors, not your conclusions. Share actions you’ve personally observed—hopefully recently. Open the conversation for questions. Ask the other person if he or she sees it differently, and jointly develop a plan of action.

Obviously, there’s a lot that goes into such a feedback discussion. Today, I chose to focus on one element that can turn a painful and vague discussion into a helpful feedback session. Focus on behaviors. Become skilled at both observing and describing them. Know the difference between a behavior and a result or conclusion. Help the other person see what he or she is doing, not merely what you think about him or her.

Kerry

Related posts:

Finding Fault with the Facts

Confronting a Coworker’s Temper Tantrums

Confronting Destructive and Manipulative Behavior

Influencer Institute: Finding Meaning in the Mundane

Editor — Tue, 04 Jun 2013 23:21:00 +0000

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Andrew Maxfield is director of the Influencer Institute, a private operating foundation that seeks to increase humanity’s capacity to change for good.

Atilano, a new friend of mine in Mexico, smiles while he delivers bottled water from his bicycle to nearby homes and businesses. His is a small business by nearly every standard, yet it is a powerful component of his escape route from poverty. And it’s working.

But that’s only half of the story. It turns out that there are several behaviors besides increasing income that lead a person to the outcome of a reliable financial surplus, and, eventually, to permanently improved economic conditions.

Can you imagine what one of those behaviors is?

You probably already know the answer—and it isn’t an exciting one. The behavior is: regularly write down every amount of money you take in and spend. People who make a habit (the intersection of ability and reliability) of regular financial record keeping know exactly how much they earn, exactly how much they spend, and can therefore take action if there is an imbalance between the two.

Our work with small business mentoring organizations in Latin America verifies this fact: their very poor clients who start small businesses and keep daily financial records manage to escape poverty over time, sometimes rapidly. Those who start businesses but are sloppy with record keeping or neglect it entirely, may never get ahead—and often don’t.

So here’s the rub, and it’s probably familiar: what if an all-important behavior is mundane? What if it’s dull, inconvenient, or psychologically painful?

This is where we can all learn from Atilano. It’s true that the act of record keeping might be tiresome if you view it as taking away from income-generating work, family time, or whatever you’d rather be doing. But Atilano thinks of his kids and the example he’s setting. He reminds himself of the “why” behind the task. Believe it or not, he considers his ledgers a personal diary—evidence of his hard work and dedication to his family. Taken in that light, record keeping can be a celebration of sorts, a happy daily ritual.

Can you think of a way to reconnect the task you routinely avoid to what you care about most? Can you link it to your values and vision and to people you care about?

Finding the thread that links what you must do to the grander vision of why you do it can help drum up the motivation you need to do an unpleasant task. Of course, your personal motivation isn’t everything; you also need skills, tools, and social support—and those factors unquestionably contribute to Atilano’s successes.

However, you and I can take a big step forward in our efforts to influence ourselves and others when we deliberately find meaning in life’s mundane but vital tasks.

Related posts:

Influencer Institute: Beating Poverty One Vital Behavior at a Time

Influencer Institute: Introducing the Influencer Institute—And a Call to Action!

Finding Fault with the Facts

Special Announcement: Influencer Second Edition Winners Announced

Editor — Tue, 04 Jun 2013 19:56:13 +0000

Thank you to all those who entered our drawing to win one of twenty-five free copies of the second edition of Influencer by watching Joseph Grenny talk about the power of the Influencer model to change behavior at our local TED event.

If you missed it, click here to watch the powerful transformation story of Jane, a young girl who grew up in poverty in the slums of Nairobi, Kenya.

We had an overwhelming response, but the twenty-five lucky winners are:

Arthur Johnson Jr.

Chris Clark

Chris Klenk

Daniel Hiatt

Deborah Carcutt

Derek Applegate

Elaine Rose

Fidelia Herrera Roster

Paul Pstivthnkn

Kurt Ellis

Lynda Sowell

Lynette Vetsch

Mauricio Soto

Mnquaker

Nicolas A. Reynolds

Pat Hatcher

Patty Skerl

Randi Schmechel

Rick Kotter

Sharon Humphreys

Sue Burge Dahl

TJ Brensen

Travis Cunningham

Tyler Edmondson

Vicky Smith

If you won, please e-mail us at editor@vitalsmarts.com to claim your book.

Related posts:

Special Announcement: Influencer First Chapter Download

Special Announcement: Introducing the Second Edition of our Bestselling Book, Influencer: The New Science of Leading Change

Overcoming a Lifelong Battle Against Addiction

Joseph Grenny — Tue, 28 May 2013 22:13:10 +0000

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Joseph Grenny is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer.

READ MORE

Dear Crucial Skills,

How does one escape the addictions of pornography, drugs, alcohol, etc? I’ve been told that even if I’m able to finally get to the point of remission, I’ll always be an addict and never completely escape. It’s a hopeless message, but I sense truth in this and fear I’ll have to fight it the rest of my life.

Do you have any advice that can help me in my lifelong battle against addiction?

Signed,
Struggling

Dear Struggling,

I have great news for you. While in some cases there might (and I stress MIGHT) be some element of truth to the statement, “I’ll always be an addict”—that statement doesn’t mean what you think it means.

The implication of “always an addict” in your note is “I’ll have to fight the rest of my life.” That’s the part I can immediately reassure you is absolutely not true, but hang on for a moment and let me get to that point in its time.

First, I want to be clear that my coauthors and I are not addiction experts. We study human behavior, so we have opinions about the state of research on issues like addiction recovery. That is not our specialty nor do I have training in addiction recovery. With that said, I will share some opinions on your question.

• Will you always be at risk of returning to your addiction? There’s a good chance you won’t. Many people with addictions recover in a way that never affects them again. One of the most dramatic evidences of this point is a major study funded by the U.S. Government in 1971 as tens of thousands of heroin-addicted soldiers were returning from Vietnam. Military officials were terrified that a healthcare crisis would ensue as their systems would have been overloaded with those suffering the effects of addiction. But the crisis never happened. Well over 80 percent of those returning, who were classified as seriously addicted, discontinued drug use after coming home—forever.

• How long does it take? I’ll answer this briefly but will refer you to the chapter on addiction recovery in our book Change Anything: The New Science of Personal Success for a fuller description. Our work shows that habits change when all six of the sources of influence that shape our habits change. Period.

Now, that process can take a while, but understanding those sources of influence helps you recognize that there are discrete actions you can take to move the process along and to understand what work remains. This also explains why so many of the returning soldiers changed so quickly. All of these sources of influence were organized in a way that promoted addiction when they lived in Vietnam. When they returned, for many of them, all six sources changed. So they did, too.

• If you’re one of the 20 percent rather than the 80 percent, does that mean a lifetime of struggle? Absolutely not. Even those who continue to feel vulnerable to relapse will tell you that year by year, maintaining the life patterns that keep them “sober” (I use that term generically) become not just easier, but pleasurable.

Here’s the good news I promised you. Please read these sentences over and over and over: The way you feel today about your addictive behaviors can feel entirely different just a few months from now. You can literally come to hate what you currently love. You can—and will—come to find loathsome those things that seem irresistible today.

Let me elaborate on this last, and most important, point. Our emotions often lie to us. When we experience an emotion (let’s say I’m feeling angry at my daughter) it comes with two embedded lies—it feels true, and it feels permanent. It feels true in the sense that I have a profound conviction that I am totally right and she is totally wrong. My emotion is my evidence that I am right. All of us have had the experience of feeling that way, then getting a little more information and perspective, and having the emotion pivot 180 degrees. We feel remorse, or empathy, or love—whereas seconds earlier we couldn’t have imagined feeling different. Similarly, the emotions feel permanent. We believe the way we feel about something is how we will always feel.

For example, I cannot imagine not craving a cigarette. Or being stimulated by pornography. Or getting out of control at the sight of chocolate. Or losing my temper when criticized. Yet, when you talk with those who have realigned the sources of influence in their life, they’ll often use words like “disgusted” when they think about those behaviors today.

But don’t trust these other people. Test this proposition against your own experience. Have you ever felt even momentarily different about an addictive habit you struggle with? Have you had moments when you felt no temptation at all? In fact, you felt revulsion for the act? If so, you know already that change is possible. The challenge is working through the process of change until those temporary feelings become the norm.

If you want to see a powerful example of this shift, watch this video. It’s a fascinating experiment done by the Thai Ministry of Public Health. A young child approaches people who are smoking in public with a cigarette in her hand to ask them for a light. The smokers are horrified at the thought of this child picking up this habit. Every one of those approached began lecturing the child, citing compelling reasons the child shouldn’t smoke. After listening patiently for a moment, the child would hand them a card with a phone number for smoking cessation services, and ask, “Then why do you smoke?” Researchers observed the smokers after the child walked away. Almost every one of them dropped their cigarette. All retained the card with the phone number. Calls to the help line increased 40 percent on the day of the experiment.

Now, this doesn’t demonstrate permanent change, but it shows that feelings can change. That’s the point. In this case, it was temporary. But people who were feeling compelled to smoke moments earlier were suddenly disgusted at the thought and stopped.

You need not fear a lifetime of struggle. You may need to be conscious of maintaining the six sources of influence throughout your life, but you’ll want to do it. You’ll derive pleasure from the new life. Your feelings will change.

Just keep up the good work. The way you feel today is not the way you will feel a year from now.

Warmly,
Joseph

Related posts:

Change Anything: Overcoming Addiction-Part Two

Change Anything: Overcoming Addiction

Overcoming Career-Limiting Habits

Special Announcement: Influencer First Chapter Download

Editor — Tue, 21 May 2013 23:25:12 +0000

Last week, we announced the release of the second edition of Influencer: The New Science of Leading Change. For a sneak peak of the book, download the first chapter now.

This new edition includes:

New subtitle

Updated statistics, facts, and figures

New research and case studies from organizations like KIPP, Menlo Innovations, Fundación Paraguaya, and others

Skill applications gleaned from six years of Influencer Training

“Act Like An Influencer” stories: twenty-five vignette examples of real influencers

New focus on the three keys of influence: 1) Focus and measure, 2) Find vital behaviors, and 3) Engage all Six Sources of Influence

Now available in paperback, hardcover, and e-book

WIN A COPY: Enter our drawing to win one of twenty-five copies of Influencer by watching Joseph Grenny discuss the principles of influence at our local TEDX event. To enter, watch the video, leave a comment, and share with others. (One entry per action taken. Winners will be selected and announced June 5.)

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Special Announcement: Introducing the Second Edition of our Bestselling Book, Influencer: The New Science of Leading Change

August Newsletter Drawing Winner!

Influencer Institute: Introducing the Influencer Institute—And a Call to Action!