Crucial Skills

Special Announcement: Influencer First Chapter Download

Editor — Tue, 21 May 2013 23:25:12 +0000

Last week, we announced the release of the second edition of Influencer: The New Science of Leading Change. For a sneak peak of the book, download the first chapter now.

This new edition includes:

New subtitle
Updated statistics, facts, and figures
New research and case studies from organizations like KIPP, Menlo Innovations, Fundación Paraguaya, and others
Skill applications gleaned from six years of Influencer Training
“Act Like An Influencer” stories: twenty-five vignette examples of real influencers
New focus on the three keys of influence: 1) Focus and measure, 2) Find vital behaviors, and 3) Engage all Six Sources of Influence
Now available in paperback, hardcover, and e-book

WIN A COPY: Enter our drawing to win one of twenty-five copies of Influencer by watching Joseph Grenny discuss the principles of influence at our local TEDX event. To enter, watch the video, leave a comment, and share with others. (One entry per action taken. Winners will be selected and announced June 5.)

Related posts:

Special Announcement: Introducing the Second Edition of our Bestselling Book, Influencer: The New Science of Leading Change

August Newsletter Drawing Winner!

Influencer Institute: Introducing the Influencer Institute—And a Call to Action!

Holding a Slacking Coworker Accountable

Al Switzler — Tue, 21 May 2013 22:52:11 +0000

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Al Switzler is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer.

READ MORE

Dear Crucial Skills,

How do I deal with passive-aggressive behaviors like someone agreeing to do a task then “forgetting” to do it, dragging his or her feet, or deliberately doing it incorrectly so he or she won’t be asked to do it again?

Tired of Passive Agreement

Dear Tired,

If you live or work with or near other people, at some point other people will let you down—they’ll miss a deadline, fall short of a standard, or just do something wrong. So your question about dealing with this behavior is universal. I’ll offer a few suggestions that are more generic and then get specifically to the challenge you face.

1. Speak up. Some people hope that if they are patient, the problem will go away, even if the problem is reoccurring. They hope that time will cure the issue. While people are waiting and not speaking up, their silence is generally interpreted as acceptance or agreement.

My first bit of advice is to speak up. It might be that the task or assignment is harder than it need be. Speaking up can send a message that the task is important and that you want to make sure nothing gets in the way.

2. Speak up while keeping it safe. The key components of safety are Mutual Purpose and Mutual Respect. Remember to avoid jumping to conclusions or losing your cool. This step requires that you avoid showing on your face or by your tone of voice that you have held court in your head in advance and found the person guilty.

You want to convey that you’ve observed a gap and that you want to figure out what’s going on. The way you stated your question causes me to remind everyone to give the other person the benefit of the doubt before speaking up. Think: “Could this situation be more complicated than I assume?”

3. Speak up about the right topic. This step focuses on your specific problem. In Crucial Confrontations, we teach CPR, which stands for content, pattern, and relationship. CPR is a strategy to help you find the right issue. Talk about content if this is the first occurrence. For example, “JC, you agreed to have the report in by Tuesday at 2:00 p.m. and I didn’t receive it until Wednesday at noon. What happened?” The first and second times can be accidents, so you should talk about the content—the specific issue or behavior.

By the third time, the issue or behavior has become a pattern and you should address this pattern. For example, “JC, the last three weeks you’ve turned in the Tuesday report on Wednesday. What’s going on?” When JC says that the computer broke down yesterday, you can say, “I’m interested in what happened this time, but I’m more interested in the pattern of missing the deadline three weeks in a row.” This allows you to then diagnose the motivation and ability issues that can get in the way and close the conversation by reaffirming the commitment to deliver the report. Follow up by asking if there are any other reasons why JC could not get the report in by 2:00 p.m. on Tuesday. Excellent performance begins with clear expectations.

And now to relationship. In your case, you need to have a relationship discussion. It might sound like this. “JC, you’ve committed to turn in your report by Tuesday at 2:00 p.m. each week and you’ve missed this deadline three out of five times. We’ve had several discussions and you’ve told me there was nothing getting in the way of you doing this. I’m now thinking that I can’t trust that when you make a commitment you will keep it. I’m not sure why this is happening, and it is certainly affecting our working relationship.”

This is the time to discuss the possibility that JC is forgetting, dragging his feet, or simply trying to get the task reassigned. Based on JC’s response, you may have to start progressive discipline. And for those who are thinking that this is not quick or severe enough, I chose a topic that I thought could allow a bit of patience. Other performance gaps would require quicker, tougher responses.

Over the years, we’ve coached people in situations that lingered and festered. When we asked, “Have you spoken up?” they respond “Of course.” “About what?” we ask. The answers too frequently reveal that they spoke up about the easy not the hard, about the simple not the complex, about the content not the pattern or relationship.

When you speak up about the right topic, you send a message that the task is important, that you are interested in finding any barriers that make it more difficult than it needs to be, and that it is so important that you’ll make sure the task will be completed. Sometimes, a relationship conversation will focus on the fact that you have to hold these conversations so frequently and you need to see high performance without repeated conversations.

In summary, make sure you do the first two steps, and then always talk about the right topic. When you do, you are more likely to find a lasting solution.

I wish you the best,
Al

Related posts:

Holding People Accountable

Holding Clients Accountable

Holding a “Charmer” Accountable

Special Announcement: Introducing the Second Edition of our Bestselling Book, Influencer: The New Science of Leading Change

Editor — Tue, 14 May 2013 23:42:40 +0000

What’s New in the Second Edition of Influencer?

New subtitle

Updated statistics, facts, and figures

New research and case studies from organizations like KIPP, Menlo Innovations, Fundación Paraguaya, and others

Skill applications gleaned from six years of Influencer Training

“Act Like An Influencer” stories: twenty-five vignette examples of real influencers

New focus on the three keys of influence: 1) Focus and measure, 2) Find vital behaviors, and 3) Engage all Six Sources of Influence

Now available in paperback, hardcover, and e-book

Win a copy of the new edition. Watch, comment, and share our video of author Joseph Grenny discussing the power of the influence model to change behavior at our local TEDX event.

We’ll select twenty-five people to receive a FREE copy of the brand new second edition. You’ll receive one entry in our drawing for every action you take (watching, commenting, and sharing).

Enjoy!

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Influencer Institute: Introducing the Influencer Institute—And a Call to Action!

Special Announcement: Introducing the NEW Crucial Conversations!

Motivating Without Money

David Maxfield — Tue, 14 May 2013 23:30:39 +0000

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

David Maxfield is coauthor of two New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything and Influencer.

READ MORE

Dear Crucial Skills,

We are looking for meaningful ways to recognize our nursing staff in our busy, stressful ICU. In our last employee satisfaction survey, we scored low in “recognition.”

We know from Influencer that external rewards aren’t always the best way to motivate people. We would like to find ways that would encourage staff to grow and have internal satisfaction for doing a great job with their patients, families, and other staff.

Other than external rewards, how can we meet our staff’s need for meaningful recognition?

Managing Motivation

Dear Managing,

Your question is relevant to every leader. It’s common for hardworking, productive, and dedicated staff to say they don’t get the recognition they deserve. If not corrected, this feeling can undermine their commitment, engagement, and performance. Leaders need a variety of ways to recognize performance and show appreciation.

1. Don’t resort to using money as a motivator. Personally, I like money. I endorse the view that, “Money may not buy happiness, but it sure makes misery more comfortable.” The challenge is that money often plays the role of de-motivator. If you don’t think your pay is fair, then it’s hard to stay motivated. But, if you do think your pay is fair, then you stop thinking about it and its power to motivate fades. Leaders need to establish fair pay, but they shouldn’t rely on fair pay to motivate.

2. Use rewards in moderation and in combination. This is the guideline we introduce in our book, Influencer. Rewards work best when they a) aren’t so large that they become the only reason for acting; and b) are combined with personal and social motivators.

The merit badges scouts earn are a nice example. The badges themselves are just bits of cloth or tin. They are very moderate in value. But they work in combination with both personal and social motivation. They recognize hard work and a worthy accomplishment, something to be proud of—personal motivation. And they create an occasion for family and friends to cheer the scout’s success—social motivation.

When rewards are too large and not used in combination with personal and social motivators, then all eyes are on the rewards and the rules for winning them. You see people cheat and game the system. They may even lose track of the personal and social reasons for their actions.

Here is a scary example. A hospital had made rewards and punishments a big part of their hand-hygiene program. A nurse manager saw a nurse put her hand under a hand-sanitizer dispenser, but nothing came out. The dispenser was empty. The nurse continued into the patient’s room and began to work with the patient. When the manager pulled her aside the nurse said, “I did my part. It’s not my fault the dispenser isn’t working.” This nurse was so focused on the rules, she failed to remember patient safety and the intrinsic reasons for having clean hands. That is the danger of rewards that aren’t used in moderation and in combination.

3. Make the invisible visible. This is a skill we teach in Crucial Confrontations and Crucial Accountability Training. Have you ever looked back at a tough day—a day spent coping with emergencies, interruptions, and switches in priorities—only to wonder what you’ve actually accomplished? This is the rat race, right? You know you’ve been running all day, but you aren’t sure you’ve gotten anywhere. Many of us experience this frustration, and I bet nurses who work in Intensive Care Units (ICUs) experience it more than most. Here’s why.

Patients who are in ICUs are among the sickest in the hospital. In fact, they are usually so sick that, even when they are healthy enough to be discharged, they don’t get sent home. Instead, they are sent to another unit in the hospital, one that deals with less critically ill patients. Often ICU nurses don’t get to see or experience the positive end to the patient’s story—the patient’s leaving the hospital and their happy families welcoming them home.

Work to fix this situation by creating ways for your ICU nurses to see and experience their accomplishments. I’ll suggest a couple of ideas, but I bet you and your staff can generate far more.

Involve your ICU nurses in post-discharge calls to patients. Most hospitals are now implementing some kind of post-discharge call to patients. Research shows these calls improve patient satisfaction, reduce medication-related problems, and result in fewer return visits to emergency rooms. These calls can also be a powerfully motivating source of feedback for nurses.

I’m not suggesting that your nurses have time to make these calls, though that would be great. Most hospitals already have specially trained staff who make these calls. Have the people making these calls meet with your nurses to share outcomes, or meet with the phone team yourself and then share outcomes with your ICU nurses. Create regular opportunities for your nurses to see the human impacts of their hard work.

Solicit feedback from patients’ family members. Often, ICU patients are so sick and sedated that they hardly remember their ICU experiences. But their family members sure do! Most are overwhelmingly grateful for the wonderful work ICU nurses perform and would be happy to share. Find ways to get family members’ feedback—solicit notes, ask family members to record a message that can be shared, or have family members attend a routine meeting.

Tighten links to the units that accept the patients you discharge. Involve staff from your internal customers—the step-down and medical-surgical units that take your patients when they no longer need to be in your ICU. Ask them to attend regular meetings, so they can share how they, their patients, and their patients’ families have been impacted by the work your ICU nurses perform.

4. Use crucial conversations to reduce de-motivators. Ask yourself whether there are leaders, physicians, or staff members whose actions undermine morale on your unit. Sometimes you can identify a handful of individuals who are rude, dismissive, or disruptive in ways that counter the recognition others provide. I’m not suggesting that these people should ever sugarcoat bad news or provide less than honest feedback. But you may ask them to be more constructive by focusing on facts, allowing room for dialogue, and showing respect.

I hope these ideas give you a few additional ways to recognize your staff. However, none of these can substitute for your own genuine appreciation for their work. Make sure you spend time rounding every day, noticing all the right things they are doing on the job, and removing barriers so they can do even more.

Please let me know what you try and how it works.

David

Related posts:

Motivating Others to Take Action

Before & After: I Felt Like a Nurse Again by Gaylen T.

How to Influence Accountability

Antisocial Networks?

Joseph Grenny — Tue, 07 May 2013 23:09:29 +0000

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Joseph Grenny is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer.

READ MORE

Dear Crucial Skills,

I’ve both blocked and been blocked by friends on social media sites after one of us has put our opinions out there on something controversial. The most painful was just before the presidential election when my cousin ripped on a candidate she opposed and I supported. I responded in a way I thought was pretty logical and reasonable. She was horrified and in her post described me as “insane” and “blind.” We unfriended each other, and at our family Christmas party I could hardly look at her.

I’ve concluded I should just not say anything meaningful on social media. Do you disagree? And what can I do to get my cousin back?

Unfriended

Dear Unfriended,

First things first, let’s get your cousin back. Then we’ll talk about how to avoid losing another friend.

Ironically, I’m using a form of technology to talk with you about how to avoid rupturing relationships in social media. And I run all the same risks you do. In my desire to help, I could say something that offends you. There is nothing I want less.

Social media is like viewing the world through a straw. Your real situation is three-dimensional, rich, and complex—and all I have to respond to is the 100 or so words you typed to me. I may grossly misunderstand what is going on. And you, looking through your straw at me, may grossly misunderstand my intentions as I respond. This means that when we venture through our straw to have crucial conversations, misunderstanding and conflict are almost inevitable.

With that said, let me push a few words through the straw to you in hopes that something I say may provoke useful thought.

1. Find your part. You aren’t hurting your cousin; it’s your cousin’s story that is hurting her. She is aching because somehow she read the few words you wrote and found evidence of something that caused her pain. Perhaps she thought you disrespected her. Perhaps she thought your political opinion meant you were immoral or uncaring about something sacred to her. Perhaps she felt humiliated because you disagreed with her in a public forum.

The point is, she read the few words you poked through the social media straw and added intentions, attributions, and judgments to them in a way that was deeply hurtful to her. If you want your cousin back, go back and read your posts not with the intent of defending what you wrote, but with the intent of finding the story she might be telling herself that is hurting her. Surrender any need to be right or justify yourself. Focus only on finding empathy for the hurt your cousin feels.

2. Own your part. Next, call or meet with your cousin. Don’t e-mail. Don’t text. Don’t send a Facebook message. Do it the way your grandparents did in the olden days—face-to-face! Don’t go with any expectation of reciprocity. She may need some time to feel safe enough to examine her part and be vulnerable to you again. If you love her, you’ll give her that time.

Simply ask for five minutes to express your feelings and tell her she need not respond immediately. Then own everything you can. For example, you might say, “I want our relationship back. So I’ve been thinking hard about what I’ve done to offend you. I still don’t know for sure and would like you to tell me if there is something I am not aware of. I think it was wrong for me to say your candidate was an idiot. I realize you might have thought I was calling you an idiot for supporting him. It was an irresponsible and disrespectful way of expressing my opinion, and I suspect it might have felt insulting to you. Even worse, I did it in front of our 924 mutual friends. I am sorry for doing that and for any pain it caused you . . .” Conclude by letting her know you are willing to wait until she is ready to talk more.

The key to getting your cousin back is deciding that having her back is what you really want—more than saving face, or being right, or any other motive. If it is, then I’m confident you’ll find a way to restore the relationship. I’m sure underneath her hurt, pain, and ego, she misses you, too.

Now, let’s talk about how to talk through a straw without losing friends. The biggest problem with social media—and all technology-mediated communication—is manners haven’t caught up with the reduced bandwidth. As you know, my coauthors and I have spent much of our career studying how people deal with emotionally and politically risky communication. We’ve discovered that, even when communicating with the full face-to-face bandwidth that lets me see and hear massive amounts of data, when it matters most we do our worst. Now, you and I are attempting to do what we could not do well while taking in a trickle of feedback. Is it any wonder we’re wreaking havoc on relationships right and left?

Here is my advice for holding a crucial conversation in social media.

1. Don’t. It’s a fool’s errand. You need all the bandwidth you can get to hold a crucial conversation. Why tie your hands behind your back, blindfold yourself, and hop on one leg when you can easily jack up the bandwidth by making a call, using Skype, or meeting with the person face-to-face?

2. Every person a moderator. Debate is fine on social media. If you want to hold a spirited discussion about differing views, social forums can be a great place to view, test, and improve your opinions. However, it is also a great place to teach manners. If no one feels responsible to cry foul when someone violates good manners in public postings, the quality of the dialogue will inevitably degenerate into exhibitionism. It will be a place to get attention through disgraceful antics rather than engage in healthy conversation. I suggest every one of us appoint ourselves as moderators and cry “foul” when anyone crosses the following lines:

a. Personal attack. When someone disparages a participant rather than critiquing an idea, they are not adding value to the conversation.

b. Lazy words. A person who shares logic or data to illustrate why they disagree with an idea is contributing. One who simply dismisses it with judgment words like “stupid” or “irresponsible” is substituting insult for information. It’s a lazy way of attempting to persuade because it required no research or exposition. It’s a way of playing to your base rather than influencing the worthy opponent. (By the way, my very choice to call them “lazy words” is a hypocritical violation of this very point!)

c. Monologue. Someone who is truly interested in learning rather than performing will not just make points, they will ask questions. Their posts will be brief, to the point, and will exhibit curiosity about others’ views, not just demonstrate conviction about their own. They will not take all the airtime with long diatribes, they will be brief, make a single point or two, and then encourage others to share the air with them.

When you see people violate any of these simple manners of spirited and respectful debate, call them out and hold them accountable. Let them know you will either exit or exclude them unless they keep the debate civil and useful. If many of us empower ourselves as moderators, and exert appropriate social influence to call out those who use personal attacks, lazy words, and monologues, we can quickly close the gap between manners and technology. We will retain friends and profit from invigorating dialogue.

3. Trust your gut. We all know the feeling we get when we realize the conversation has just turned crucial, and that we should stop using the medium at hand. The hairs on your arm get prickly. You feel anxious. You type faster. You press the keys harder. Whatever the cue, trust it. At the first sign you need more bandwidth, STOP and change media. Pick up the phone. Jump on a video conference. Or take your most convenient transportation. Whatever you do, quit looking through a straw or you’ll risk losing a friend.

I wish you the best in your relationship with your cousin. And I hope these ideas help you enjoy your friends forever.

For additional advice, download our free e-book, “When Crucial Conversations Go Social: How to Handle Heated Discussions via Social Media.” This e-book is a compilation of tips, advice, research, and stories from me and my coauthors and 2,000 of our newsletter readers.

Warmly,
Joseph

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Antisocial Networks

From the Road: What the . . . ?!?!

Steve Willlis — Thu, 02 May 2013 20:00:50 +0000

ABOUT THE EXPERT
Steve Willis is a Master Trainer and Vice President of Professional Services at VitalSmarts.
READ MORE

So it doesn’t happen all that often, but when it does it usually takes me by surprise. It’s every facilitator’s fear—the inappropriate comment. They come in lots of shapes and sizes, ranging from overly personal to highly offensive.

I remember a train-the-trainer session where a prospective trainer’s opening line was, “So Adam and Eve were in the garden.” I thought for sure this was a joke. He got to the end and said, “And that’s how crucial conversations skills could have prevented original sin.” Not the punch line I was expecting.

We all fear and dread over-shares and inappropriate comments, but what’s the best way to handle them in the moment? One thing that’s worked for me is to use a contrast of sorts: thank the person for being willing to share, and clarify what’s appropriate to share in this setting. What do you do in these types of situations?

Comment below to share your ideas.

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The ABCs of Reaching Agreement

Ron McMillan — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 22:56:51 +0000

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ron McMillan is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer.

READ MORE

Dear Crucial Skills,

I’m the team leader of an increasingly dysfunctional team. Our tasks require a high degree of coordination and we often have to figure out what to do as we go. But we’re stuck in a pattern of arguing and disagreeing, and it derails our ability to get anything done.

Lately, our aggressive debates and defensiveness are dragging us down. Members seem to think it’s more important to be right and prove others wrong than it is to get our work done. Can you help?

Despairing

Dear Despairing,

Sometimes in our teams and relationships, we slip into bad habits. It’s hard to trace how these problems developed, but it’s easy to see the negative and sometimes hurtful outcomes these problems cause.

I consulted with an executive team that seems similar to the team you describe. In one of the first meetings I attended, a director shared his ideas about solving a problem. “I think we ought to do options ‘J,’ ‘K,’ ‘L,’ and ‘M’” he said.

Another director aggressively jumped in, “I disagree!” he said. “We’d be fools to do ‘M,’ we’ve got to do ‘P,’ not ‘M.’” A heated argument ensued.

Afterward, I spoke with the disagreeing director. He agreed with the other director about proceeding with options ‘J,’ ‘K,’ and ‘L.’” It was only option ‘M’ that he disagreed with. Imagine that. He agreed with three fourths of the other’s view, but the first words out of his mouth were, “I disagree!” This is the verbal and emotional equivalent of picking up a shield and drawing a sword. This response almost guarantees a fight. I’ve seen this same mistake made in personal relationships as well.

What’s needed to change your team’s behavior is a focus on purpose and the teammates’ agreement to use a few skills:

Share the facts first. You might say something like this: “I’ve noticed we seem to have more arguments and disagreements that lead to blockages rather than progress. For example . . .” Then share several specific examples that are obvious to everyone.

Propose a Mutual Purpose. “I strongly suggest we all operate toward this Mutual Purpose: We achieve our team results in a respectful, efficient way.”

Define “respectful” as listening to each other, not labeling each other or each others’ ideas, and not interrupting each other. Give specific examples from recent team arguments. Such examples might include words like “stupid,” “unworkable,” and “ridiculous.”

Define “efficient” as letting details pass that are unimportant and not getting “hooked” into arguments or debates that are unproductive. Say, “Each of our comments and responses should take us closer to solving a problem or building a productive option.”

Explain that you shouldn’t expect perfection, but that you should actively make an effort to accomplish your Mutual Purpose.

Share the ABCs of response. These skills help teams create more productive behavioral patterns. Here’s how they work. When someone makes a statement, do not ignore the comment or respond with disagreement. Rather, respond with A, B, or C, as explained below.

The ABCs of Response

A- If you agree, say so. You might simply say, “Mike, I agree with you that . . .” If you agree with some of what was said, respond by identifying what you agree with. Consider the example used earlier of the disagreeing director. Instead of saying “I disagree,” he should have said, “Mike, I agree that we should do ‘J,’ ‘K,’ and ‘L.’”

B- If you agree and want to add to it, build on their idea. “I agree we ought to do ‘J,’ ‘K,’ ‘L,’ and ‘M.’ I also think we should do ‘R.’”

C- If you disagree with what was said, don’t attack, criticize, or disagree. Rather, compare your opinion. This is often best done by first paraphrasing the other person’s idea, then sharing your own. By laying both ideas side-by-side, everyone can compare and contrast the two ideas. For example, “Mike, you think we should do ‘J,’ ‘K,’ ‘L,’ and ‘M.’ Is that right? I think we should do ‘R,’ ‘S,’ ‘T,’ and ‘V.’”

By responding to comments with the ABCs of Response, you acknowledge others’ comments and minimize defensiveness. With ideas out in the open and treated with respect, people can now compare, contrast, and build to get to the best solutions and the most effective decisions. We are now creating a dialogue and using it to get results and strengthen relationships.

Using the skills of creating a Mutual Purpose and the ABCs of Response, the executive team I worked with had what the CEO referred to as “an amazing metamorphosis.” Within three meetings, with the CEO giving gentle reminders, the team became more disciplined and productive. Each team member reported the change as an improvement and said he or she did not want to go back to the former way of doing business.

As your team focuses on results in a way that strengthens relationships, you improve your effectiveness in the dialogue of today and pave the way for improving the dialogue of tomorrow.

All the best,
Ron

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A Boss’s Drinking Problem

Responding to False Accusations

Success Story: How Patty Loeffler and Her Family Lost 300 Pounds

Editor — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 21:43:38 +0000

When she first met her husband, Patty Loeffler was thin, active, and the picture of good health. But nine years into her marriage, Patty found herself 100 pounds overweight and a perpetual yo-yo dieter. She had joined and left Weight Watchers so many times that she was embarrassed to even consider going back. And yet, she knew she needed to make a big change. That’s why in 2012, she made the resolution to simply “get healthy”—and the timing couldn’t have been better.

In March 2012, Patty enlisted in Influencer Training by VitalSmarts. Already a Crucial Conversations certified trainer, she was excited to learn the Six Sources of Influence model for changing behavior. When prompted to identify a change challenge to which she could apply the model and principles, she selected her “get healthy” initiative. Shortly after, she received the newest book from VitalSmarts, Change Anything, which helped her further apply the Six Sources of Influence to her personal goals.

Patty started her “get healthy” change plan by identifying two vital behaviors that proved to be instrumental to her success:

1. Make a plan. Patty found planning to be essential. She not only planned her healthy meals, but also where she would go if and when she ate out. She learned where all the healthy restaurants and meals were in the city so she would never have to make a last-minute unhealthy choice.

2. Weigh daily. By weighing herself daily, she found that she could stay on top of her weight loss and most importantly, quickly get back on track if she started slipping.

Patty used all six sources of influence to help keep her vital behaviors, but she attributes the majority of her success to social motivation and ability. She says the social influence that was missing from her past diet attempts meant the difference between her success and the years of failure.

Patty recruited her husband and son to join her in her goal to get healthy. Like Patty, her husband also had a history of failed weight loss, and as a result, was pretty reticent to participate. But after Patty begged him, he agreed and they made a very serious commitment to each other that they would see the plan through to the end.

When Patty’s son came home from college that summer, she also recruited him to participate, and together the three found success in applying the model from Influencer and Change Anything. The Six Sources of Influence Patty identified to help keep her behaviors included:

Personal Motivation – Patty hung her skinniest jeans on her closet door which served as a daily reminder of what she looked like and how good she felt when she first met her husband. The jeans also reminded her that at the age of 53, her window of opportunity to change was closing as she may only face more health issues in the future.

Personal Ability – A key part of Patty’s plan included a nutrition program called Ideal You sponsored by her employer. At first, Patty was skeptical this would be just another failed diet plan, but this program taught her skills to control her diet with higher protein and lower carbohydrates and fats—skills she never learned before. There was also a phased approach which began by limiting her diet in the beginning and slowly adding in healthy foods as she learned to get her intake under control. The program also taught her effective strategies to maintain her weight loss.

Social Motivation and Ability – Patty and her husband faced every part of their weight loss journey together. They started by publicly announcing their diet at her daughter-in-law’s birthday party. This public proclamation lead to support from her entire extended family. Her husband also did most of the shopping under their approved dietary guidelines and they began exercising together and spent less of their time together watching TV or eating out at unhealthy restaurants.

Patty also garnered support at work. She teamed up with a few coworkers who also had a goal to get healthy and they spearheaded a transformation of their entire team. For example, they stopped bringing in unhealthy food to celebrate events and when they ate out together, they went to healthy restaurants. Patty’s family and friends never made her feel bad for wanting to choose healthy meal options. On the contrary, many actually thanked Patty for her example and motivating them to make their own healthy choices.

Patty also attributes much of her success in beginning an exercise regimen to the help of personal trainers who reintroduced her to exercise and how to do it effectively.

Structural Motivation – Instead of falling into old habits of rewarding herself with her favorite foods, Patty started going to the spa and treating herself to massages, manicures, and pedicures when she hit her weight loss goals. She was also really motivated to change by shopping for cute clothes she couldn’t fit into previously and the money she saved from giving up expensive and fattening fast food meals helped to offset the expense of a new wardrobe. Patty was also motivated to stick to her new diet because it was a plan she paid to be part of and she didn’t want to see that money go to waste.

Structural Ability – Early on, Patty decided to chart her weight loss. This strategy helped her to see her long-term success—which was a tremendous motivator during the weeks of plateau. She also changed her surroundings. She brought exercise equipment out of storage and placed it in her family room. She also got rid of all the junk food in the house. She even made changes at work. For the first time in her career, she began to use the on-site personal trainer and fitness center provided by her employer.

Results
By using the change plan found in Change Anything, Patty shattered a long history of failure to lose weight. In just nine months, she lost an impressive 102 pounds. And, as it turns out, her weight loss impacted her life in even more immediate ways. After discovering a life-threatening illness months into her get healthy initiative, doctors told her that losing the weight was the best thing she could have done and possibly even slowed the progression of the disease thus allowing it to be discovered and treated at an early stage.

Patty wasn’t the only one who experienced such dramatic success. The social influences she learned about in Change Anything really made a difference not only for her but also for her husband and son. In the end, Patty’s husband lost 80 pounds and her son lost 100 pounds, proving that with the right plan, you really can change for good.

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Speaking Up about an Employee’s Body Odor

Al Switzler — Tue, 23 Apr 2013 21:36:18 +0000

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Al Switzler is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer.

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Dear Crucial Skills,

I was recently promoted to supervisor within a highly stressful telecommunications center. My entire team has complained about another employee’s personal hygiene and said that the offensive odor and unsanitary conditions of the employee’s workspace are so bad that it contributes to a hostile work environment. In the past, this was handled ineffectively and has now become a disciplinary situation.

I know I need to hold this conversation, but because it is such a sensitive issue and the employee is otherwise a spectacular employee, I am at a loss as to how to begin the conversation. Please help!

Dreading B.O. Conversation

Dear Dreading,

What do we do when someone’s behavior negatively affects others and they don’t seem to know it or can’t seem to change? In addition to body odor and cleanliness, this behavior could include things like inappropriate dress or language, too much small talk, and smoking in incorrect places. All of these behaviors create gaps—the difference between what is agreed upon or expected and what is actually happening. We can endure small, infrequent gaps and hope they go away, but when the gap is serious and when it is a pattern—as it is in your situation—what do you do? Here are a few strategies.

Clarify two kinds of expectations. The first expectation is reviewing or discussing expected behaviors and the reason behind them. When you are first promoted, or when there is a new team member or a new quarter, take the opportunity to meet and talk about the few expectations that will help your team work together effectively. This might include talking about past gaps that have hindered the team or the work. For example, you might want to talk about proper dress and grooming standards. The reason for this is that customers have expectations, managers and employees have expectations, and these expectations make it easier to work in close quarters as a team. I suggest that you never work on more than three or four behavioral expectations as a team—these should be important issues your team struggles with most.

The second expectation is really important: when someone sees a gap, talk about it. Ask each team member to agree that when someone falls short of expectations, those who see it will privately, politely, and professionally talk to him or her. You won’t get angry or gossip; you’ll talk. The reason is that when we don’t talk about a gap, we lower the standards of the company and we increase the probability someone will get offended, gossip will run rampant, and team morale will go down. As a team, identify gaps and solve concerns before they become real problems.

Give the person the benefit of the doubt. We teach people who face a gap to ask themselves, “Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person act this way?” By asking that question, you avoid jumping to conclusions or making assumptions that can move you to make wrong diagnoses. It also prevents you from beginning your conversation in a way that says in essence, “I have held court in my head and found you guilty. Can we talk?” Such a beginning is not helpful and makes you part of the problem.

You want to start the conversation by sending the message that you are observant, inquisitive, and caring. You want to be part of the solution, not part of the problem. You do this by helping yourself understand that until you talk about it, you don’t know—you are only guessing. In your case, maybe the person has started taking a new medicine, or maybe his or her house burned down and he or she is living out of a car. You don’t know. Give yourself the opportunity to do a real diagnosis and to maintain the relationship.

Discuss gaps early. Identify the gap when it first appears, then find a safe time and a private place to talk. Over the years, we’ve talked about the skills for beginning an accountability conversation or “the hazardous half minute.” And we know that if you begin correctly, you are much more likely to find a solution. In Crucial Confrontations, we teach that you should first describe the difference between what is expected and what has been observed then end with a question. For example, if an employee came in late you could say, “I just want to clarify that working hours start at 8:00 and I noticed you came in today at 8:25. What happened?” You should say this in a way that is nonjudgmental.

If the person is wearing too much perfume or cologne, you might begin with, “One of the expectations we have is that we will work together in ways that makes it pleasant for others. I have noticed that your cologne is very noticeable, and I’m hoping you can wear less of it. Can we discuss this?” Let’s assume the person says “yes” and we have caught it early. If they disagree, that is another problem.

If you don’t discuss it early, the problem lingers. Coworkers gossip and don’t invite this person to lunch. Another employee calls the person names behind his or her back and one person lets a sarcastic comment fly. Now trust and respect have diminished. Gossip and hurt feelings have increased. Why? Because nobody spoke up early about the gap.

Trust the process. If you begin your conversation in a way that says you are not judging, and that you are observant and caring—both about the standards and about your colleague—you are well on your way.

In a private place, at a good time, after you have your head and heart in the right place, and if you had previously clarified expectations as I described above, you might say, “A few weeks ago, we all agreed to a dress and grooming standard that would help us serve our customers and work well together. This is a bit awkward for me to say, but I’ve noticed that when you come to work you have a body odor that is noticeable. I don’t know what’s going on, but I’d like to talk about what’s going on and what could be done to meet the expectations.” Your purpose is clear in your words and in your behavior.

If you didn’t have a clear expectation, you would substitute the first sentence by saying something like, “I think it’s important that everyone come to work in alignment with certain dress and grooming standards.” Notice what should not be said at this point. For example, don’t say that others have complained to you. Share that information only if the person says it’s just your opinion. Don’t use inflammatory words like stink, stench, or reek. And certainly don’t use the indirect approach by anonymously leaving a bar of soap on the person’s desk.

Over the years, as I’ve discussed the idea of bringing up a tough subject in front of large groups, I’ve asked participants to raise their hands if they have ever had to talk to someone about a “body odor” issue. Hundreds of hands have been raised, most often accompanied by audible sighs and shaking heads as people reflect on many bad experiences. Then I asked how many should have spoken up but didn’t. Many more hands go up and I can see many more negative reflections. You are not alone.

I hope this advice will help you feel more motivated and able to step up to the conversation and help an otherwise spectacular employee.

I wish you the best,
Al

Related posts:

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When Your Employees Won’t Talk to You

Giving Feedback to Defensive Employees

Help! My Coworker is a Curmudgeon

David Maxfield — Tue, 16 Apr 2013 23:27:56 +0000

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

David Maxfield is coauthor of two New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything and Influencer.

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Dear Crucial Skills,

I work in a busy, growing medical office with five support staff, and I share duties with a coworker who just turned seventy and has been with the clinic since it opened. We don’t have an office manager, so the clinic owners expect us, as peers, to come up with policies and procedures for the front desk, solve problems, and strategize on improvements.

My coworker resists every suggestion of change or improvement to the front desk area and refuses to use the computer unless she has to. When I try to suggest changes in a nonthreatening manner, she gets very hostile and attacks me personally, and I no longer feel safe talking to her. The owners are aware of the situation, but they won’t address it. I want to see the clinic continue to grow but frankly don’t see how that can happen if the front desk doesn’t keep up with the times.

Stuck in the 90s

Dear Stuck,

You’ve just described an incredibly messy, complicated, and value-laden problem. There isn’t likely to be a simple or easy-to-implement solution.

Let’s begin by identifying the different issues that are involved.

You don’t have an office manager, so your team of five organizes its own work and handles any disagreements.

One of your coworkers resists changes and improvements.

This coworker becomes hostile and attacks you personally.

This coworker is seventy years old and has been with the clinic since it opened.

The owners are aware of this situation, but haven’t addressed it.

The clinic is growing and the front desk needs to keep up with the times.

I think we can break this problem into two parts based on who could take action to solve it. One problem is with your coworker—her resistance to change and her personal attacks. A second problem is with the owners—their unwillingness to take action.

I would focus my efforts on the owners for a couple of reasons:

I don’t think you will reach an accommodation with your coworker until they make their position clear.

The owners have more options than you do for creating new solutions. In any case, I think they need to step up and take responsibility for the situation.

Determine What You Really Want. Before you talk with the owners, decide what you want in the long-term for yourself, for the owners, for the clinic, and for your coworker. I’ll guess that you want the clinic to continue to grow, the front desk to keep up with the times, and a fair distribution of work within your team.

Find Mutual Purpose. What do you think the owners want? I bet they want many of the same things you do, plus a couple more: They don’t want to have to get involved in personnel issues and they want to show loyalty to a loyal employee. Can you buy in to these five goals? Do you think the owners will as well? Agreeing that a high-quality solution will achieve all of these goals will take you a long way toward crafting a solution.

Make It Motivating. There is a good chance the owners don’t share your view of the problem. They may see it as a personality clash, while you see it as a productivity issue. Take the time to describe the situations that occur, and the impacts they have on the clinic’s ability to function. Avoid personalizing these issues. Remember, the owners are prone to dismiss your concerns if they sound like personality differences. Stick to the facts as they relate to the clinic’s ability to grow.

Make It Easy. Give the owners time and space to discuss possible solutions among themselves. Don’t press for a “simple” solution—one that could sound to the owners like you win and your coworker loses. Remember, the owners may want to reward your coworker’s loyalty as well as maintain a healthy workplace. This will take some consideration and creativity on their part.

Yeah, But. There are several ways this conversation can go wrong. I’ll anticipate a couple.

What if the owners still refuse to get involved? Here is how I would read this outcome: they want to protect your coworker, they don’t want to get involved in a personnel issue, and they think you can work it out on your own. That’s the story I’d tell myself, but I’d want to check it out with them. Ask them whether you are reading them correctly. If that is their position, then you need to ask yourself whether you can live with the results. It may mean redefining the roles within your front desk team. Your coworker may need to stick to her preferred jobs, while the rest of you work more flexibly. It may appear unfair on the surface, but maybe she’s earned it.

What if the owners ask your coworker to change, but she doesn’t? What if she becomes even more hostile toward you as a result? The ideal is that peers hold peers accountable. However, peer accountability requires that leaders back them up when the going gets tough. Since you know this scenario is possible, discuss it with the owners in advance. They can’t just ask your coworker to change; they need to support her and hold her accountable. They need a plan—who will do what by when—and a way to follow up.

Good luck with this tough situation. Have other readers resolved a similar situation? I’d love to hear what worked for you.

David

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Coworker’s Personal Life

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