Crumpets & Bullshit

How Not To Make An Impression On The In-Laws

2011-09-21T12:09:00.000-07:00

See that guy giving me the bunny ears? That's my boyfriend and since I kind of like him, I want his parents to kind of like me. This is a story of how to make that not happen. Not. at. all.

We had been dating for a few months but were afraid to get serious because I'm a stupid Canadian and he's a smelly Englishman. Eventually, though, he took the plunge and brought me up to Leeds to meet his dad. Big step! I was understandably nervous but I thought with my abundance of natural charm and tendency to drink too much wine with dinner I'll be just fine. I was wrong. I made polite small talk with his dad and his dad's wife, let's call her Linda. Because her name is Linda, so that seems reasonable. Anyhow, I was busy charming the pants off Dad and Linda at dinner, and Linda's kids and grand kids for extra measure. Especially the grand kids as we had very similar taste in Disney movies.

We were sat around the table discussing intellectual topics and I was using big words to show them how smart their son's new girlfriend is when someone said: "So many German soldiers died in the first world war, and most of them were Jewish." Inside I thought EUREKA! Perfect set up for one of my hilarious jokes, of which I have many. Enter Lisa: "Well, most of them were going to die anyway....you know.....Hitlerrrrr!" To truly get the idea of how truly stupid I am you must understand that I said "Hitler" in an obnoxious, sing songy voice. Damn all that red wine. Nobody laughed as hard as I did, but I figured maybe my humor was too advanced for these neanderthals. We carried on chatting through the rest of dinner with me completely oblivious to how embarrassed I should have been.

After dinner, I popped outside for a cigarette and Ben joined me.

"That was quite the joke about Hitler, honey"

"Hah, I know. I'm hilarious, your family is going to love me."

"Lisa...they're Jewish."

Oh. My. God. What have I done. My boyfriends parents think I'm racist! I've known them for less than twelve hours and I've made a mockery of one of the worst injustices in human history. I couldn't exactly go, "Linda, I'm so sorry I sang Hitler in your face. You see, I didn't know you were Jewish." Nope, there is no recovering from that. Thank god they live far away.

I won't even go into the time I waved pork scratchings in a Jewish mans face while exclaiming "Try them! They're pig skin!"

Why I'm Glad I'm Not The Prettiest Girl In The Room

2011-09-20T12:41:00.000-07:00

We've all seen them. The girls with flawless make up, perfectly styled hair and sky high stilettos that make their legs look a mile long. Any girl who says she's never wished to look like that is probably lying. I'm certainly guilty of it. But while I may sometimes long to look like that, I have no desire to be like that. That look does not come easily. It's the result of hours of preparation, hundreds of dollars spent on make-up, clothes, tanning, you name it. Don't get me wrong, I like to get dolled up and I like to look nice but I also like to look like myself. More than that, I hate stressing about how I look. I'm the kind of girl who wakes up at a friends house and lounges around in pyjamas all day with a cup of tea. I can't even imagine waking up and rushing to the bathroom with my arsenal of beauty supplies to ensure nobody sees me with my "real" face on. I don't even carry make up in my handbag. A statement some girls would probably find really weird. I am not afraid to go out of the house without make up on. To be honest, I find it a bit sad how many girls are. It's a source of pride for me that I look pretty much the same when I wake up in the morning, maybe just a bit spottier!

The strangest of all is that we're not doing it for the boys, and a lot of girls don't even do it for themselves. They groom, pluck, sculpt and camouflage to compete with other girls. If you see a girl prettier than you she's a bitch, a whore or a snob. If she's uglier than you she's a dog. Well, I'm not buying into this shit anymore! I refuse to say bad things about other girls. When I see someone "prettier" than me, I'm going to compliment her awesome hair. I am perfectly happy not to be the prettiest girl in the room. Let them spend an hour on their make up and silently judge each other, I'm going to go play Guitar Hero and be confident just the way I am.

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The Ultimate in Bathroom Graffiti

2011-09-19T16:29:00.000-07:00

I've mentioned before how much I like bathroom graffiti. People bare their souls while they bare their bums. Good times. I think it's really sweet that someone wants to give you something to read while you pee. I was in one (uber hipster) bar that had stalls covered in "WU TANG CLAN FOREVER!". So funny. Last Friday when I went to go watch my friend Doobyis rap, I totally met my bathroom match.

Pardon the blur, I was drunk and really excited.

It's going to be a challenge finding a bathroom that tops this one. Challenge totally accepted! Also, listen to Doobyis. He's awesome.

Real Life Disney Princesses

2011-09-15T10:09:00.000-07:00

Like most girls I am obsessed with Disney, especially the princesses. What's even more amazing is that they're real people! What you don't believe me? Think no normal human being can have such perfect hair, amazing make up and be so beautiful? Well, thanks to photographer Ryan Astamendi, you better believe it!

Ok, I know she's not a princess, but this is spot-on!

If you're interested in seeing more of his work and other artist's interpretations, check out The Art of the Disney Princess
It looks so cool! It's amazing to see how many people have been inspired by these iconic characters.

I know what you're thinking now. Sure, they look like the princesses but can they sing?

This amazing lady is Traci Hines and she is a princess. She's got the voice down perfect, her hair is always flawless and she styles it all herself! Really inspiring stuff. What's even more amazing....she likes my nails on Etsy and wants me to design some for her upcoming photoshoots! I am SO excited to be working with such a talented individual. She doesn't just sing the little mermaid, so head over to her youtube channel and get ready to be amazed!

What's that weird feeling in the back of my head? Oh yeah, it's my brain forming ideas for a Halloween costume!

Style Inspiration: Zooey Deschanel

2011-09-13T10:18:00.000-07:00

This fall I am all about channeling Zooey. She manages to look adorable and chic without flashing a lot of skin, which is important to me because I hate being cold. Why do you think I'm fleeing Canada in three weeks? In her new show. The New Girl, she even rocks some massive glasses, so she's basically me. Only with shinier hair, bright blue eyes, less 20 pounds and plus a strange similarity to Katy Perry.

I should probably start chasing boys around shouting "Hey Sailor! Wait...come back! It's cute when she says it!"

What I admire about her, (aside from her hair...did I mention how nice her hair is?) is that she's well put together when she's just out and about which is really the true measure of style. If you look good on the red carpet, it means you pay someone cool to dress you. If you look good in the queue at Starbucks, it means you're cool. I don't even go to Starbucks, so I'm extra uncool. But if I did, I would rock this little outfit:

Ahhh, I'm so excited for it to get colder so I can live in shorts and tights. It's my version of being a never nud e.

I need to get me some shirts with cute little collars and cute heart pins. Etsy, here I come!

If I'm going to properly steal her style, my curling iron is going to be getting some major action. And I am totally fine with that.

Seriously, this girl probably sleeps in her tights. I fucking love it.

I'll probably pass on the dungarees, but how cute are those braids with dainty, curled ends!?

So here's the plan. Lots and lots of black tights, cute collared shirts, cute cardigans, poufy high-waisted skirts, and curls with loads of volume and bangs. It's gonna be awesome.

Then we'll be bestest friends forever.

Books That Will Change Your Life: Weetzie Bat

2011-09-12T12:03:00.000-07:00

photos by wildfox, of course!

Francesca Lia Block is easily my favorite author of all time. In her first book Weetzie Bat she uses her prose to create vivid, magical imagry of a "jasmine-scented, jacaranda-purple, neon sparked city" where "you can buy tomahawks and plastic palm tree wallets at Farmer's Market, and the wildest, cheapest cheese and bean and hot dog and pastrami burritos at Oki Dogs". Her characters are strong, exciting women who see the magic in everyday life and the wonderful, weird people they meet along the way. It's a story that manages to be magical and glittery, but edgy and punk rock at the same time. It also doesn't hurt that they all have an amazing sense of fashion. The girl pictured above is Wildfox's interpretation of what they think Weetzie would look like, eating one of her beloved Oki Dogs. That's one of the things I love most about novels is you can make the characters out to be anything you want in your head! I've spent hours scouring deviantart for people's different interpretations of the characters to see how their ideas vary from mine.

It's a book that teaches you to dream, to look beyond the ordinary to "Wish on everything. Pink cars are good, especially old ones. And stars of course, first stars and shooting stars. Planes will do if they are the first light in the sky and look like stars. Wish in tunnels, holding your breath and lifting your feet off the ground. Birthday candles. Baby teeth." To see the magic in the world. Weetzie has a life we all dream of filled with delicious food: "a picnic of salsa, home baked bread still steaming in it's crust, hibiscus lemonade and cake decorated with fresh flowers", amazing clothes: "sometimes she wore Levi's with white fringe sewn down the legs and a feathered headdress, sometimes old fifties taffeta dresses covered with poetry written in glitter" and the kind of love that all teenage girls (and maybe some of us older ones!) dream about: "He kissed her. A kiss about apple pie a la mode with the vanilla creaminess melting in the pie heat. A kiss about chocolate, when you haven't eaten chocolate in a year. A kiss about palm trees speeding by, trailing pink clouds when you drive down the Strip sizzling with champagne. A kiss about spotlights fanning the sky and the swollen sea spilling like tears all over your legs."

How could you not want to read it?! Oh did I mention it's only 70 pages? Fret not, Weetzie Bat is the first book of five in the Dangerous Angels series and they are all just as good as the first. They tell the stories of her daughters Witch Baby and Cherokee as they grow and struggle with love, music and personal identity. The fifth book, Baby Be-Bop, gives more insight into Dirk, Weetzie's mohawked, gay best friend. FLB was never afraid to tackle serious issues such as homosexuality "Any love that is love is right", suicide "Grief is not something you know if you grow up wearing feathers with a Charlie Chaplin boyfriend" and having children "There are way too many babies. And diseases. And nuclear accidents. And crazy psychos. We can't have a baby." But no matter what trials and tribulations befall this adorable, luminescent family everything always seems to turn out happily ever after, or at least...happily. Which is really what we all want, isn't it?

Her books can be kind of hard to find in bookshops, so online is your best bet for purchase.

Weetzie Bat is just the first book, Dangerous Angels is a collection of all five books and Necklace of Kisses catches up with Weetzie when she's older and having a midlife crisis.

You can find Francesca Lia Block online on her twitter or on her blog.

Read it. It will change your life.

A Guide To Underwater Cameras

2011-09-10T14:39:00.000-07:00

I finally got my waterproof camera developed! Taking underwater photos isn't as easy as I thought. Posing for them and snapping both have some significant challenges. For example, it's kind of hard to keep your eyes open underwater and not make this face:

Yuck.

Another worry is the dreaded bubble moustache:

Actually, on second thought, I kind of love my bubble moustache.

No, your best bet for cool underwater photos (assuming you don't have a flowing Alexander McQueen maxi dress) is stupid faces...

Yoga poses...

Somersaults...

Sunglasses...

Or just leave your face out of it!

They're definitely worth buying if you're going somewhere wet and wild. We had so much fun splashing around taking all these pictures. Which reminds me of my last tip...if you want to see what you're taking a picture of, make sure you put on some goggles!

That's kind of what the Caesar's pool looked like after a couple Cranberry Mojitos.

It's My Dog's Birthday!

2011-09-09T18:09:00.001-07:00

So she's allowed to sit like a total weirdo!

Yep, my Lily is thirteen today. It's pretty impressive in dog years! I'm just worried she'll turn into a petulant teenager and start telling me I'm not her real mom. So in honor of my baby, here's a little pic spam of the cutest little black dog in the world.

She's really stubborn...

Makes some horrible faces....

and is constantly licking me....

But she's my baby and I love her!

Lulu's jealous because she doesn't have a birthday.

The Best Movies of the 90s (as chosen by me!)

2011-09-07T12:47:00.000-07:00

As a child of the 90s, movies from this era are like comfort food for me. Familiar, funny and no surprises. I know that this decade had lots of intense films like Schindler's List and The English Patient, but when I was nine years old that wasn't exactly where my interests were. These movies are perfect to watch when you're feeling grumpy, just got dumped or battling off a cold and a bad case of the "woe is me" disease. I defy you to watch these and not feel like a giddy pre-teen afterwards.

Empire Records (1995)

This lands very high on my all time list of favorite movies. I kind of can't even watch it with other people any more because I turn into one of those annoying fans who pre-laughs at the jokes and says every line along with the cast. I've always enjoyed movies that just focus on one awesome day from start to finish. You can watch Liv Tyler strip for an aging pop star, drool over Johnny Whitworth's spot on portrayal of an angsty 90s boy with a crush (AJ) and memorize every clever thing Lucas (Rory Chocrane) says to annoy your friends with later. Oh, and you'll also be dying to quit your job to work in a music store. I've done it, it's not exactly like the movie. You spend all day trying to convince people not to buy Nickleback albums, not dancing to Gin Blossoms. Which reminds me....the soundtrack is a perfect collection of amazing 90s indie. Ten out of Ten. If you don't watch the movie, make sure you catch the soundtrack. PS: I am so obsessed with this Empire inspired editorial Erin Wasson did.

Wayne's World (1992)

I used to watch this, rewind it and watch it again. Over and over and over. Why my mom allowed me to waste entire days watching the same movie is beyond me, but I suppose when you're watching Wayne's World it's never really a waste. This film single handedly reintroduced Bohemian Rhapsody to an entire generation, and if that's not a good enough reason to watch it, I don't know what is. In fact, let's watch that wonderful scene now.

Ah, wasn't that magical. It's just two guys who are best friends having fun with their stupid TV show, we should all be so lucky to have a friendship like Wayne and Garth have. It's so much fun watching your favorite movies years later so you can understand all the "adult" jokes that flew right over your head as a kid. "Chinese huh? I'll have the cream of sumyoungguy" Heh. Also, soundtrack on this one is killer as well. Seven out of Ten. That might end up being a note on every movie....the 90s had awesome soundtracks.

Now And Then (1995)

Yes, a 90s movie set in the 70s. A coming of age story featuring an all star cast including Christina Ricci, Demi Moore, Rosie O'Donnel, Thora Birch and loads more. There is nothing quite like the bond among thirteen year old girlfriends. The girls are trying to raise money for their tree house and in their attempt to collect the money, wacky hijinks ensue. Imagine That. It's cute, fun and will give you the burning desire to call up your middle school friends and ask her to make a scrapbook with you. Then you'll remember that she was probably a bitch who sent you notes in class telling you that you bell bottoms and squishy gel flower shirt didn't match. Just me, then? Shut up, junior high was a rough time for me. I didn't have Christina Ricci! Soundtrack full of cute 70s hits? Eight out of Ten.

Romeo + Juliet (1996)

Oooooh, Leo is so dreamy. Kiss my hand, Leo! Me too! No seriously, that was me shouting at the TV the entire time I watched this movie, and I don't even like guys with long hair. What I do love is modern adaptations of Shakespeare and this one especially because they manage to completely update the story while retaining the original dialogue. Educate the kids a bit, but put lots of guns and cute boys in so you can hold their attention. Fantastic. I wouldn't suggest this one after a break up, for obvious reasons, although it might cheer you up to know (spoiler alert) they both die at the end. Yaaaaay romance! (PS. Soundtrack = awesome, obviously. Garbage, Radiohead and The Cardigans? Ten out of Ten)

Idle Hands (1999)

I really, really love a good stoner comedy. This one featuring a stoner who is so damn lazy that his hand get posessed by the devil and starts killing people against his will. It features Seth Green at his hilarious best, and Jessica Alba before she got all famous and insufferable. Well, she's still kind of insufferable but she looks really good so we tolerate her. Wow, I think I just summarized her entire career. Devon Sawa stars as our high satanic hero and his acting is amazing. No, really, it is. You try and pretend like your hand is moving without your control and see how believeable you can make it! All in all, it's hilarious, easy-watching fun. The soundtrack....is so-so but it still has Rob Zombie, The Ramones and Sublime so I'll give it a six and a half.

Clueless (1995)

You didn't actually think I would forget Clueless, did you? Oh where to begin? Cher's amazing outfits, Brittany Murphy as a scruffy, grungy loser or Dionne, who will always be the coolest woman ever! This movie pretty much defined my generation. Every girl at school wanted to be Cher Horowitz. Wanted to dress just like Dionne, and I love that fact that in the above photo she is wearing a velour, collared sweater in California. Oh, 90s fashion, how you make me giggle. The soundtrack features both Coolio and Radiohead, so naturally I'm giving it an eight out of ten. It was also how I started my enormous, painful, ongoing crush on Paul Rudd because....really...look at him.

He is such a Baldwin.

Dazed and Confused (1993)

Another stoner comedy that focuses on the last day of school in 1976. This movie makes me envy my parents SO much that they got to grow up during this era. It focuses on Randy "Pink" Floyd, a jock who secretly hangs out with the stoners and slackers much to the disapproval of his football coach. It touches on all the classic high school cliches: the geeks trying to fit it, the nervous freshman, bitchy senior girls and creepy older guys who love high school girls because "I keep getting older, they stay the same age." Gross. It also features Ben Affleck as an absolute jackass named Roy. He plays it so well, it kind of makes you wonder if he's a dick in real life. The soundtrack is the ultimate classic rock collection. Aerosmith, ZZ Top, Kiss, Foghat, Alice Cooper and loads more. It's a ten out of ten, for sure.

Ever After (1998)

I don't like romantic movies and even I'm not immune to the shmoopy romance of Ever After. Drew Barrymore was a 90s queen and her characters are just so darn relate able. It's another update on an old classic, this time re-telling the classic Cinderella story, only this one is a bit feistier than her Disney counterpart. Her father dies and she's left with her evil step mother, but she's a strong willed little shit and manages to snatch the princes heart away from her step-sisters. It's a feast for the eyes and has a genius twist of Leonardo Da Vinci as her fairy godmother! So clever. The soundtrack, unfortunately, sucks. It's all score music and Enya, a complete bore. Stick with the movie and you'll be covering yourself in glitter and speaking in a crappy english accent in no time!

Right, I still have more movies to review but I have to go to work so.....stay tuned for part two!

I'm so excited!!!

2011-09-06T15:12:00.000-07:00

Ok, so this has been a really huge step for me, but I started my own Etsy shop selling decorated nails!

I've been planning this for ages, telling everyone I know about my plans, thinking about what I'll design and basically doing everything except actually starting the project. Fear of failure and all that. But fear never, ever leads to success so I've taken the plunge and started my shop....tell your friends!!!

Visit my shop!

Nail Art Tutorial: Rainbow Leopard Print

2011-09-04T10:50:00.000-07:00

Want your nails to look like this? Well lucky for you, I made a tutorial that shows you how to do it in about half an hour!

Don't you love it when you hear your own voice and go "Is that what I sound like!?" Hope you enjoy your pimped out Lisa Frank nails!

My Life as a Montage

2011-08-31T10:34:00.000-07:00

You know when you're watching a movie and there's some cute montage set the perfect music and you think "God, I wish my life was like that." Well, your life is like that, you just don't have someone filming everything, editing it and setting it to music. Basically...you don't have me! I am so excited to show the bride and groom the wedding videos I made for them. I caught all sorts of stuff that the videographer at the wedding can't even come close to. I love making little movie montages of my life (see my youtube account for full details!) and I loved doing it for my friends as a kick ass wedding present. Here's a little teaser:

I hope they like it!

Simple Diet Changes That Give Results!

2011-08-30T11:45:00.000-07:00

During my time in Vegas my healthy eating went right out the window, and boy do I ever feel it. Tired, grumpy and a face full of spots! True proof that what you eat will manifest itself on your face! So here's a few easy changes you can make to your diet that will put that spring back in your step.

Switch from lettuce to spinach. I can not stress this enough! Eating lettuce (especially iceberg) is basically just eating water, it has hardly any nutritional value. A good rule of thumb is the greener it is, the more it packs a vitamin punch! Spinach is full of iron, vitamin K, vitamin C, calcium and the list goes on. Plus, it's so versatile! I throw spinach in with my smoothies, mix it in with a stir fry, use it for salad or just steam it as a side dish. It's my magic ingredient!

Ditch the toast for breakfast. When bread is toasted the complex starches and carbohydrates break down into sugars. Again with the lack of nutritional value! Studies show that people find toast comforting, that it reminds them of being a kid, but we shouldn't be eating comfort food every morning! It's important to eat things at breakfast that aren't going to lead to fluctuations in our sugar levels later in the day. Try eating high fibre granola with low fat yoghurt and berries for a week and see if you feel the difference.

Trade in your coffee for green tea. We all know the benefits of green tea and the bad effects of coffee but we just keep doing it to ourselves. It takes ten days to make something a habit (or break an old one) so suck it up and start sucking up the tea. Your skin, lungs, liver and teeth will thank you!

Get more Omega 3's. Omega 3's are one of these "super food" ingredients that fight off a plethora of different health problems including alzheimers, arthritis, high blood pressure and a million more. It's easy when you're young to forget that one day your body will be old and these things will matter to you. You may not think twice about your blood pressure now, but the choices we make today will affect how we feel in ten years. It might be a bit scary to think about, but it's true. Simple changes now = good health later!

Cut back on the condiments. A couple years ago I probably would have bathed in ketchup, I really love the stuff, but I love looking and feeling good more! You can take a perfectly healthy salad, and if you cover it with dressing you're basically drenching your food in fat, sugar, sodium and calories. I have become a devout convert to olive oil and balsamic vinegar. The olive oil still has fat, but it's good fat and at least it's not hiding behind a fancy label! Also, beware when you read the nutrition information. Look at the portion size! Does anyone really only use 1 tsp of ketchup? No way, jose!

Stop buying junk food. If you want to eat healthy, why is there potato chips and brownies in your shopping cart? Do you buy them and intend to not eat them? No, you're waiting for your inevitable moment of weakness. We all have them. The other night I got the munchies in a bad way and I was dying for some salt and cardboard. Popcorn, chips, peanuts....I would have eaten all of it! But because I didn't buy any of that crap, I ended up eating Ryvitas and Light Laughing Cow which come in at under 100 calories. Satisfied my craving and I didn't feel disgusting the next day. If it's not there, you can't eat it!

Really take a look at these tips. They are not difficult changes to make (well, maybe ditching coffee!) but they will have such a positive effect on how you look and feel now and twenty years down the road!

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What I Learned in Las Vegas

2011-08-29T12:12:00.000-07:00

Well, now that my brain has somewhat returned to normal I can tell you all about what I learned in Las Vegas, other than the golden rule: Bring a lot of money.

All the girls wear Louboutins to the club.

We went to this really, really posh nightclub called Marquee for the bachelorette party and I honestly couldn't believe the amount of red heels I saw. We paid way too much money to have bottle service and a cabana, but we got to feel like total hot shots for the night so it was worth it!

108 Stories is a lot more than you think.

We went on the New York New York rollercoaster and it was fun, but I like my rides to be terrifying. Welcome to the Stratosphere, where they hang you off the edge of a building and spin you around. Just don't look down!

The Bellagio Fountains are a must see.

At night they go every fifteen minutes and it's worth to hang around until you can get a good spot front and center. The choreograph the fountains to show tunes and my inner theater kid was freaking the fuck out.

Red Bull is your friend.

Our mini fridge at Marquee came stocked full of Red Bull and I filled up my bag as we were leaving. It's the only way I can possibly last until six in the morning, which you must do in Vegas. Just beware the Red Bull anxiety that will inevitably hit you the following morning.

The portion sizes (and prices) of food are huge!

I was constantly shocked at how much they expected me to pay, and subsequently how much they expected me to eat. I'm not one to stereotype, but it's no wonder there's 65 million obese Americans if they're always eating this much food at dinner. (By the way, that was the best meatloaf of my entire life. Thank you, Wolfgang Puck)

You will drink a lot.

You know that old rule "Never drink before noon"? No such rule exists in Vegas. I became quite accustomed to seeing people strolling down the street holding 42 ounce margaritas at ten in the morning. My liver is very, very upset with me.

Day and Night don't exist.

It's practically impossible to find a clock anywhere in a casino. It was such a weird feeling to stumble through the casino, full of people gambling and drinking, late at night and walk through the next morning to the exact same scene. It starts to get a bit surreal, like you're in a waking dream.

The Bellagio Botanical Gardens were everything I expected.

This is what my house would look like if I was a millionaire. It was so cute, pretty and girly! Unfortunately, I visited it with two boys who didn't match my squeals of delight upon seeing giant floral teddybears!

All in all, it was a fantastic trip and it was so nice to see the gang from England. Ben and I did figure out that Vegas isn't really our kind of place, it's a bit too materialistic and just....weird. Plus, if I ever hear that song "Dynomite" again, I will kill someone. It was a great time, but I'm glad to be back home and in the real world! If you want to see more photos from my trip, they should all be up on my flickr either today or tomorrow.

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(Not so sunny) San Francisco!

2011-08-23T12:19:00.000-07:00

I am having SO much fun! I've only just gotten out of bed after a bachelorette party in Las Vegas, and now that I'm trying to start writing it's hit me how many brain cells I killed last night. It was so worth it, the nightclub we went to was out of this world! But more on that later, for now let me tell you all about my time in San Francisco.

First, and most importantly, San Francisco is damn cold! When I was packing I figured I'm going to California so I hardly brought any warm clothes and it was such a mistake, I was totally frozen! We stayed just outside San Fran in a cute little town called Walnut Creek and it was far enough from the mist and smog to bless us with some great weather. Our resort was so posh, and as soon as we arrived and met up with Ben's parent's we got down to the serious business of wine and dinner while watching the sun set.

It was fantastic. It was so nice to catch up with loved ones that he's been missing for months. Dinner would have been a lot better if it hadn't let to my getting food poisoning on the first proper day of my trip! I spent the morning being horribly sick and feeling incredibly sorry for myself. I've never had food poisoning before (although don't tell that to any of my employers!) and it was a complete nightmare! Not something I want to re-create any time soon! Since I was so under the weather, we spent the whole morning lounging around the pool perfecting our tans and reading stupid magazines.

Eventually I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself (a challenge for me, I'm a huge baby when I'm sick) and check out the city. We bought pretzels and squeeze cheese from the street vendors and found this amazing Japanese dessert shop serving up all sorts of decadent creations I didn't even try to pronounce..

We had no idea what any of it was but I just had to try something and we ended up getting this weird pancake sandwich filled with red bean jelly. My love for wacko foreign food knows no bounds! We strolled through the city and contemplated going for a ride on the street cars but once we saw the outrageous queue we changed our minds pretty quickly. I think it's so important to keep perspective when you're on holiday. Yes, streetcars are a San Francisco icon but do you really want to stand around for two hours only to get crammed into a little car filled with loud, sweaty tourists? I'll pass! Instead we did a bit of shopping and went for lunch at an old fashioned diner. I had an amazing root beer float.

The culprit for our less than luscious weather was all the mist and smog, I've never seen anything like it! It felt like walking through a city in the sky with the clouds around your ears. I visited the Betsey Johnson shop and drooled over all the dresses I can't afford. After we left my boyfriend said "I don't understand why you would want to dress like a cupcake." Men just don't understand, do they?

The only "warm" clothes I brought!

The following day was just hard core tourism. We visited Alcatraz, which was way cooler than I expected. The whole time we were there I was trying to transport myself and imagine what it must have been like. Ben and I both agree they need to do tours where they re-enact it and treat you like a prisoner for a couple hours. So creepy! Anywhere that has a "Gun Gallery" is too scary for me! It's easy to understand why they were so desperate to escape with the city so close on the horizon. Gazing day after day at freedom so near, but so out of reach would drive me crazy, too. Only three men have ever properly escaped with their whereabouts still unknown. The tour guide said they probably drowned, but I like to think they're all in South America drinking margaritas and toasting their freedom.

We went to Fisherman's Wharf and had beautiful, rich clam chowder in a sourdough bread bowl. So delicious, and I don't even like clam chowder! My favorite part of the whole city was easily the Pier 39, especially the sea lions. They are so fucking cute! They're like the dogs of the sea. They bark, have whiskers and get in silly arguments. I could have spent hours watching them.

It was so wonderful, and Las Vegas has been completely insane, I can't wait to tell you about it. Our friends are getting married tomorrow and I was so stumped about what to get them for a wedding present. They make about 20 times what I do, so anything I could buy them....they could buy a better one! So what's a girl to do? Give a gift that money can't buy! I've been secretly videoing everything this week. The gang at dinner, lounging around the pool, her bachelorette party and the wedding tomorrow. I'm going to edit it all together and give them a surprise wedding video! I'm so excited!

Well, here it is!

2011-08-17T09:10:00.000-07:00

I'm off to San Francisco and Las Vegas!!! I'll do my best to keep you posted on my adventures! I'm so excited!

Brewster's Millions: What Would You Do?

2011-08-15T20:58:00.000-07:00

Spend $30 million in the next 30 days, without acquiring any assets, to inherit $300 million. Sounds like a dream, right? Well, the whole "moral" of Brewster's Millions is that all the money just makes him unhappy and he realizes he doesn't need material junk to be happy. Screw that moral! Give me material junk! All I could think when I was watching Richard Pryor struggling to to spend all the money is that this would be a piece of cake for me!

First things first, I would head over to renttherunway.com and rent an amazing wardrobe! Oh my god, the clothes they have available for rental is so tempting. This Proenza Schouler dress is $150 to rent for 4-8 days. Plus shoes, handbags and accessories, I'm sure that would be $50,000 gone easily. Of course since I return it all....no assets so I stick with the Brewster's Millions rule!

The problem with living in a different country for a couple years is that you make a bunch of friends that you miss dearly. I would fly all of my friends from England over here to Canada so they can see where I'm from. A flight between London and Edmonton is about $950, and I'll be flying over about 30 friends so that's $28,500. I'll take them on the roller coaster in our mall and I'll book us for a world tour cruise that departs once the 30 days is up. I like this one which visits Colombia, Costa Rica, Hawaii, Fiji, New Zealand, Japan, Vietnam, Thailand, India, Jordan, Egypt, Croatia and a whole lot of other places. Sounds mind blowing, right? Well, it better be for the $40,103 per suite price tag. Since I'll be bringing 50 of my closest friends that will be over $100,000 gone as well. Damn, this is actually harder than I thought.

Before we catch our cruise, we need to have an amazing party. Shakira was paid $5,000,000 to do eight songs at a private party a couple years ago, but I would want a lot more than eight songs so I would have to pay her $10,000,000. I don't even feel guilty about wasting it all because I know she donates millions to her charities every year. I've always wanted to know what Cristal tastes like, so I would need a couple hundred bottles of that. The 1990 Cristal goes for $1,053 per bottle so my couple hundred bottles would put me out $210,600. Not bad to feel like Jay-Z for a night. Of course I would have hire my hero, Preston Bailey, for the decor and considering that he's Oprah's go-to decorator, he doesn't come cheap! He starts at $200,000 but I would want something truly spectacular so I'd probably have to spring about $500,000. He's so worth it, look at his website if you don't believe me. I'd have the party catered by Iron Chef Mario Batali and I'm not sure what his catering charge would be, but a three course meal at one of his restaurants is about $250, so for him to feed all 500 of my friends I'm guessing he'd want around $125,000 at least! I think I'd hold the party in the New York at The American Museum of Natural History who charge a patron membership fee of $3500 plus the room rental of $11,000 and I'm going to want to use the terrace so that's another $1000. So let's see with Shaki, Cristal, Preston Bailey, Mario Batali and Natural History we're looking at a nice total of $10,851,100. Not bad for one night of fun!

It doesn't look like it costs more than my house!

Now on to the food. Nothing left after that except my own asset (haha). The most expensive food in the world is the Italian White Alba Truffle which sold for $160,406 to a couple in Japan. I'll get a chef to whip up a dish including the truffles, some Almas Caviar ($25,00 a tin), Matsutake Mushrooms ($1000 per pound) and some rare Dansuke Watermelons ($6,100 a pop) which are found only on the Japanese island of Hokkaido. I'm sure it will be a delicious meal for $192,506.

So I still have almost $19 million left. What on earth is a girl to do? Honestly....I don't even know. The rules stipulate you can't give it all away to charity or gamble it away. I thought this would be a piece of cake but even with nearly all my dreams on the list (world cruise, Shakira, fab clothes, Preston Bailey) I'm not even halfway there. If I could, I would spend the rest of it buying my own zoo of animals (especially teacup pigs!) but they would be considered assets. I guess the moral to this article is.......

Having $30 million would give me everything I've ever wanted in life and more! Haven't we all learned a good lesson? I'm now accepting donations. ;)

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Balloon Adventures!

2011-08-12T14:33:00.000-07:00

So, as per my summer to-do list, I finally sent my balloon notes! They weren't all like the top one, but you smell was about as mean as they got. I also included "Be Nicer To Old People", "Eat Your Vegetables" and "Your Mission: Take 5 funny pictures of 5 funny dogs. Report back when complete."

We started out with coffee and bagels at this really cute tea house called Steeps.

They let you pick out your own mug!

We filled up the balloons at my old flower shop.

I suck at tying up balloons!

I don't suggest trying to drive with 15 balloons in the back seat. Finn hated them!

I kind of wanted to keep them, they were so pretty.

I really hope someone actually DOES report back and leaves a comment here. How awesome would that be?

We found a hill where you could see the whole city.

and set them free!

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Japanese Nail Art: Inspiration

2011-08-10T16:19:00.000-07:00

Just a note, guys! Since I made this post, I've started a website devoted entirely to nail art. To learn more about Japanese nail art, and see a much more extensive gallery please visit

http://www.nail-art-101.com

Let's face it, when it comes to fashion...Japan wins. I was looking around the web for some nail inspiration photos and I sure did find some! I would never be able to wear these designs, let alone replicate them, but that doesn't mean I don't looooovee to look at them! They're so full of fantasy, I would feel like a Sailor Moon character wearing these. I would also feel like I couldn't unbutton my jeans when I was in the bathroom! Enjoy, get inspired! Pimp out your nails!

This is about as Japanese as I can manage to do! So boring in comparison, no?

If you want to give this look a try but don't think you're quite up to the challenge (I can't say I blame you!) there's lots of places online that sell pre-decorated tips. I sell really pretty decorated nails in my Etsy shop for very reasonable prices.. Yukiumi also has a huge, huge selection of awesome looks for you to try out and a lots of little plastic pieces you can buy to put on yourself. If I wasn't saving for my trip to Las Vegas (and secretly dying to try to do it myself) I would have spent a fortune at those sites!

Want to take the plunge and try it yourself? There's loads of tutorials on youtube that make it seem oh so easy. Suuuuuure.

If you're looking for my new nail art photos, I don't always post them on here but I'm always updating my set on Flickr or you can buy them at my shop.

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London Riots

2011-08-08T15:48:00.000-07:00

What the hell is going on? I will never understand what kind of person riots, destroys people's places of work, their homes, their cars to get a point across. Puts hundreds of innocent lives at risk and for what? Because they're upset at the loss of an innocent life? As one clever man on youtube said: Fuck you. How does burning down peoples homes help the man who was lost in Tottenham? I am so ashamed of every single person who has set fire to property. I just can't even comprehend this:

There is NO excuse to do this.

Einstein had it right. "We can not solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."

We will return to your regularly scheduled programmed of pretty stuff tomorrow.

My Plans For Vegas

2011-08-06T16:43:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to get some big ideas. I've been researching what to do with myself while I'm in Vegas and it's just way too exciting! I've found a load of stuff I want to do, I mean, I can't spent the whole time gambling and throwing money at strippers. Although I'm sure that will be a pretty large portion.

Lulu just had to pop in and say hi!

First things first...I'm going to wear these shoes until my feet fall off! Yes, my online shopping finally arrived and the shoes actually fit. I've been wearing them around the house all day and I feel like such a sexy bitch. They're a lot more glittery than I expected, but if there's one place you can get away with tacky, glittery shoes....it's Las Vegas! The reason I'm going on this trip in the first place is to attend a wedding. Which means I have to figure out a dress to go with these pimp shoes!

It's not really my scene, but I have to check out at least one pool party! How else am I going to feel insecure about my small breasts!?

The Bellagio Botanical Gardens are blowing my tiny mind! It looks like part of Willy Wonka's factory, I can just imagine how good it's going to smell! The people in charge treat it like they would a Broadway production and begin planning the displays three months in advance. I could spend an entire day taking photos in there. In fact, I probably will! As a florist, this is pretty much my dream. People can do such creative things with flowers, especially these because they're live! I'm so pleased we're visiting in the summer, that's when the prettiest, brightest flowers bloom. Oh, and did I mention the best part about it? It's free!

I still haven't quite convinced Ben to come on the New York, New York roller coaster with me. I will, though. Mark my words....I will.

Let's not forget the wedding! Our friends are getting married on the balcony of Caesers Palace. It's going to be so beautiful, I love weddings! They're such happy occasions, everybody looks good and is usually pretty drunk. All recipes for a good time. We haven't seen any of the gang since we left England and it's going to be a beautiful reunion between Ben and his best friend. But most importantly.....the bachelorette party is going to be amazing.

I love this advice from time.com

Don't do more than one thing in each hotel, so you can see them all and establish a pattern of constant movement. Think of yourself as on the run from the cops at all times.

Two weeks!!! Yay!

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The You Tube Name Game

2011-08-05T09:25:00.000-07:00

Yes, this is my namesake Lisa Bailey

The other night my boyfriend and I were goofing around watching videos on youtube. After a couple hours we got bored of looking at pit bull puppies so I typed his name into youtube. And this is what came up:

I was beside myself. Typing in my name brought of videos of that lovely lady pictured at the top of this post. Which is a shame because it's always been my dream to be a female bodybuilder, but there can't be two muscle bound Lisa Bailey's in the world. We quickly realized that this game was awesome. You tube is not just funny cats and Jennifer Lopez videos. It's full of wonderfully weird stuff that nobody ever finds, until we figured out a game that finds it!

We spent hours typing in our friends names and roaring with laughter and the results. Leave a link in the comments to what your name brings up!

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Help! My Room Mate is a Slob!

2011-08-04T09:11:00.000-07:00

We've all lived with one. Someone who is hilarious, nice, fun to be around and completely incapable of doing the dishes. Part of you wants to wring their neck but the other half wants to play nice so everybody gets along in the house. What are you to do? Suck it up and be their maid just to keep the peace? I say NAY! Follow these simple guidelines and you'll feel like you're living with Martha Stewart in no time!

Get Color Coded Dishes. It's simple, you have blue plates, bowls and cups. She has green ones. She can't really say "those dishes aren't mine" (has there ever been a more infuriating phrase?!) if there's a huge pile of green dishes. It holds them accountable without you having to point the finger of blame. If you have more than two people living in the house this still works, as long as you have enough storage space for the rainbow of dishes.

Set a Bi-Monthly Cleaning Date. I found when living with people, while they may clean up their own mess, the overall housework gets neglected. Things like cleaning the bathroom, hoovering and mopping the kitchen floor. Speak to your roomie(s), ask them what day they're free and then say "Let's all get together and tidy this place up." When there's a team mentality, and you're cleaning right beside them, they won't feel bossed around. It will feel like you're all in this together. Make a list of things that need to be done, ask them to choose which jobs they would like and get scrubbing! I have a friend who bought cheap maid outfits after halloween for her and her room mate. It made cleaning way more fun.

Practice What You Preach! If you leave your own messes lying around and then ask them to clean up theirs, you lose all credibility and nobody likes a hypocrite. Be honest with yourself about times when you've left the house in a state. I know it's easier to leave a mess when the place is already messy, but you must set an example if you're going to have a leg to stand on if you confront them.

Do Something Nice For Them. Fold their laundry instead of just chucking it in a basket, vaccum their room while you're doing your own, or some little kind gesture. The Rule of Reciprocity tells us that when you do something for someone, even without being asked, they naturally feel obliged to return the favor. I guess you could call it a guilt trip, but reciprocity sounds better!

Don't Just Bitch Behind Their Backs. Actually go up to them and ask them to clean up their mess. Confronting people is harder than it seems, but addressing problems with people is all in the way you approach it. Be patient, reasonable and remember that this person is your friend. Try saying "Hey roomie, I'm making a big dinner tomorrow night. Would you mind sorting out your dishes before then?" It's polite, to the point and gives them a deadline. Just saying "clean up your shit" is too vague. You don't have to go in with your battle flag drawn, and as long as you don't act like a bitchy parent scolding a child, they should be pretty responsive to real, live communication. If, when you ask them to clean, they turn it around and say "Well, you haven't cleaned the blah blah" stop and think for a moment. Have you cleaned the blah blah? Maybe they're reading this article trying to figure out how to make you clean up!

Living with people is never easy. Everyone is different and has their own idea of home. The most important ingredient in a harmonious living situation is communication. We're supposed to be adults now so let's start acting like it. Control your temper, address the situatuation and poof! The problem goes away!

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Around The World in 8 Courses

2011-08-02T09:49:00.000-07:00

Foreign Food! Yaaaaaay! Every year my city hosts a festival celebrating all the different cultures, and foods, in Canada. It's so wonderful. People of every color and background converge on a park to eat food from every corner of the world, watch traditional dances and buy traditional crafts. It's a big cultural party! I'm very proud of Canada's immigration policy and acceptance of other people's beliefs. The more we know about other countries, the more we can all embrace our differences and get along. The man in the Iraq booth was absolutely beaming with pride that their booth was number one. He gave us some Iraqi coffee which was, without a doubt, the strongest coffee I've ever tasted. We also had stir fry from Vietnam, but I was so hungry I forgot to take a picture!

We started out with pistachio and saffron ice cream from Iran. It was so amazing.

Beef curry and fried spinach from Kenya.

"Let's try to eat healthy today." "Well then we can't get anything from England!" It's funny because it's true!

Frozen chocolate bananas from Peru. I am so going to be making more of these!

Fried plantain from Uganda. I'm convinced these would be a perfect side dish with steak or fish.

Papri Chaat from Pakistan. It's chickpeas and potatoes topped with yoghurt, chaat masalas and tamarind chutney. Delcious!

Mee Goreng from Borneo.

Ben had a bit of trouble with it!

We saw beautiful dancers from Thailand wearing amazing, intricate costumes.

This was the highlight of the day for me. Shredded cantaloupe juice. So light and refreshing!

Broadening your food horizons is never, ever a bad thing. Go out for Dim Sum, eat some chicken feet! Get outside your comfort zone and eat some crazy, weird food!

Also, this week is prime time for meteor showers. I talk a bit more about it in my summer post. Get out there and wish on some stars!

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Moving to England: An Idiot's Guide

2011-07-30T12:04:00.000-07:00

That idiot is me!

Moving to a different country was the best decision I've ever made. I learned how to be independent, what I wanted from the future and how to drink six pints without throwing up. When I first left, I was so terrified and nervous and sure it was all going to blow up in my face. I was desperate for a guide just like this that would give me some sort of idea of what I was in for. It also would have saved me shit loads of money. I've broken this down into what I think are the main issues of importance, but if you have any questions at all, comment or email me and I will be your travel Yoda. Also, this is all done from a Canadian perspective, seeing as I am...you know....Canadian.

Getting a Work Visa
Unless you're going to be an illegal immigrant, which I wouldn't suggest, you're going to need a work visa. I had a Tier 5 Youth Mobility Visa, previously known as a Working Holiday Maker. The countries that particpate in the Youth Mobility Scheme are Canada, Japan, Monaco, Australia and New Zealand. You must be between 18 and 31 years old and prove you have £1,600 in the bank. The application fee for that visa is approximately $300 CAD depending on the exchange rate. The whole application process was actually quite simple. I went to the website visa4uk.gov.uk and starting filling out the form. The questions are pretty straightforward, so as long as you haven't participated in acts or terrorism or genocide (yes, they really ask you that) you should be golden. After I'd sent off the form, I had to go the local office (luckily, there was one in my city) and get my fingerprints and picture taken. It sounds kind of confusing and complicated, but I just sort of followed the prompts given to me and it was pretty straightforward.
Helpful Visa Websites:
http://www.visa4uk.fco.gov.uk/ - This is where you go when you're ready to actually fill out the form.
http://www.ukvisas.gov.uk/en/
http://www.ukba.homeoffice.gov.uk/workingintheuk/tier5/youthmobilityscheme/

My very first day in my new room at my first job.

Where Will I Live?
You basically have to decide if you want to "live in" at a pub or rent your own place and find a job. There's pros and cons to both, but I would highly suggest going for a live-in job first. Your room and food is taken care of and usually included in your wage. It gives you more security when you first arrive because everything is sorted out and taken care of. It's a wonderful way to meet new people and most live-in jobs end up being a major party atmosphere. The downside is that you are always at work. You live at work! You can't really call in sick because you're hungover if your boss is just down the stairs, you know? The hours are usually pretty long, and most places expect you to work split shifts. Some pubs aren't even open between two and five. If you can, try to get a look at the room you'll have before you take the job. Or even better, try and get ahold of someone who works there and get the REAL story. At one job, I ended up living in a glorified closet with another girl and sharing one toilet and one shower with eleven people. I was not so happy. It can be imtimidating to quit your job because once you do....you're homeless.

Your other option is to rent a place and find a job independantly. I eventually did this when I was fed up with my live-in, but finding a reasonable room can be tough depending on where you are. I lived in Surrey which is beautiful but quite a pricey part of England. Eric Clapton and Ringo Starr lived in my village, just to give you an idea! It seems the farther north you go, the cheaper housing is. I ended up renting a room in Guildford for £300 a month plus council tax, internet, power and water. Council tax can be pretty expensive in England and it's the tenant's responsibility to pay it. If you decide to live in a shared house, make sure you don't live with students as they're not required to pay council tax and you'll end up getting stuck paying all of it. I found food to be cheaper in England than in Canada but it always adds up, especially if you're used to getting fed at a live-in job. I'm glad I eventually moved into my own place because it gave me way more freedom and my housemates were wonderful, wonderful people. I really miss them!
Helpful Websites
http://www.workabout.uk.com - This site is full of live-in jobs, it saved my ass!
http://www.gumtree.com - Classifieds website. This is where I found my house and my first non live-in job.

I will harass police in any country, apparently.

I Need A Phone!
Staying in touch with your loved ones is so important in the fight against homesickness. The tips in my long distance relationship article apply to family and friends as well. To help stay in touch I bought a sim card from Lebara Mobile. They specialise in long distance calling and you can top up anywhere, including Sainsburys (a major grocery store in England). It was 4p per minute to Canada and 10p per minute within the UK. It actually kind of backfired on me because, as it turned out, I spent more time calling my friends in England than my family at home! Skype will also let you call land lines and cell phones for a pretty good rate. I bought a cheap, international unlocked cell phone from tigerdirect.com, but I don't know much about phones. My tech genius step dad sorted all that out for me.

My magical, amazing, hilarious housemates

Warnings!

You will make dear, wonderful friends that you will miss like crazy. This is what I've struggled with more than anything.
If you live in a pub, you are most likely going to be drinking a lot. We had one Canadian girl working with us who "rarely drank" when she arrived and was a total boozer by the time she left!
English food is fattening. Between roast dinners, brie and bacon sandwiches and waaaay too many pints, I gained loads of weight. Everybody delighted in telling me how fat I was when I got home.
Be prepared to tell everyone you meet where you're from and why you're in England. After a year of living there I had my story down to a perfectly practiced speech.
English people use stupid words for things. Just kidding! They're not stupid but they are different. They call eggplants augbergines and a million other things. If you say "saran wrap" instead of "cling film" you will get laughed at. Also, they will mock the way you say "to-may-to" instead of "to-mah-to". This English to American translator should set you straight!

Those are the main issues that I stressed over before I left, but if you have any other questions please don't be afraid to ask. It was the best time of my life and I would recommend it to anyone needing a bit of adventure or spice in their life. Just be prepared to love it so much you never want to leave!

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