Also…feeling very uncomfortable so trying to focus on something GOOD to post about is hard…sorry Canada Moms Blog.

I am a big heaping pile of stinky feel sorry for myself these days.

Yesterday I spent feeling miserable with harsh false labour - AGAIN….all day long….and nothing.

The weather is gorgeous and I can barely drag my achey bulk around the house.

I feel like a prisoner of the bulk AND the contractions.

I also feel like I am ruining my kids summer even though they just finished school last week.

It isn’t like there is lots to do around the house….but it requires me ‘caring’.  It requires me MOVING around and making sure they are safe, clean, wet, dry, and set up.

And lately I just wanna go hide under my blankets.

Cept laying down too much hurts…so I really need to sit in a chair with a blanket over my head.  Would that be okay?

I did say I was feeling sorry for myself.

Today we are supposed to go to the hospital to try another ‘Version’ - the fancy term for pushing the baby around to convince her to face down.

However, they are too busy for us in the morning, so we now get to wait around all day to see when they can fit us in.

Part of me says don’t bother….she will do it on her own.

Part of me says don’t bother… just schedule a c-section and get her out.

All the chaos seems to be stemming from what due date they are all working from.  I distinctly recall my specialist changing the date to the 14th…meaning, I have LOADS of time…shitty feeling or not and that she will flip when ready.

However….my Midwives are working from an earlier due date..the 9th…and so they are all fired up about me going into labour at any moment, etc.

I don’t see it happening.

I mean, I WISH it would…I am done.  But I really think it will be a LOT closer to the 14th.

So more things to add to my irritation.

I really really suffer mentally when I am not on my game.

I like to be in charge.

I like to be dealing with stuff….and so I hate when my mental and or physical state erodes my feeling of control over life.

I feel like I am stuck in a holding pattern here….a sleepless and uncomfortable one.

I feel so bad for my family…dealing with my moaning and groaning and insane mood swings.

I want to be going places with my kids but really…really just want to sit alone and sulk.

Meh..you get the picture.

Caitlyn…our own entitlement princess turned 5 today.

She has been a force of nature since the day she was born.  The comparisons with this next one will be endless entertainment for years to come, I am sure.

She is tough as nails.  NOTHING bothers her except being wrong. Being wrong is the worst thing in the world to Caity.

She will NEVER say she is sorry.

She will FIGHT you to the death to be right.   No punishment phases her except maybe taking away ’special’ toys.    And then only for five minutes max.

Jason Bourne and James Bond could learn a thing or two from her.  No torture would have her spill her secrets.

Stubborn is putting it lightly.

Yet she loves pink, makeup and all things Princess.

She wanted a Princess Party.  She wanted to invite all her social circle….this close to my due date, there was no chance in hell.

So today instead , we took her down to the Hair Loft for a special SPA session.  This is the kids hair salon down at the Kids Market at Granville Island.

She was given a little terry spa robe to wear and while she had her hair put up in a fancy do, had her nails and makeup done.

She enjoyed the experience immensely.

She enjoyed us buying even MORE stuff at the Kids Market on top of all the stuff we had bought already.

As well as this funky ‘fembot’ from Nana.

They like her big rack.

Anyway…she loved her ‘do ‘ though it was nowhere near as good as the one she got at Disneyland which lasted -  I kid you not - three days.

This do is trashed already.

So we spoiled our princess rotten as we could.

She even got a princess cake.

We hope she enjoyed herself.

All the girly stuff has almost been too much for the rest of us.  Specially macho Adam.

I think he was glad to be in school today.

Tomorrow is his last day…Goodbye Grade One!

And goodbye annoying teacher with stupid sticker system.

They were given award certificates today.  He was upset because he only had three on his, while other kids had loads….they were for things like the home reading, spelling etc.   Apparently, while AGAIN we have been happy with his work….all the sticker charts and so on were being counted towards these stupid farking awards.

I really will not miss that teacher and am praying the plan stays that Caity will not have her for Kindergarten either.

Caity says the baby is coming tomorrow now that we made it through her birthday.  Being that I am contracting as we speak….she could be right.

I would really like matters taken out of my hands right now.  We had said we would come in to see about them trying the ‘Version’ thingie  to move her head down, but being that we can’t set an exact appointment time and would end up probably spending the day there, neither of us are keen on this.

Life sort of gets in the way.   Child minding, jobs….you know.  Life.

I also feel that she will turn when she is ready.

Anyway…

Happy Birthday Caitlyn….you sure have made life entertaining for the past five years and I am SURE things will only get more interesting as you get older.

You are a beautiful willful girl and we wouldn’t have you any other way.

I recall him being a good dad, but the emotional connection to this ’special day’ is not really there.

For my husband, this …like Mothers Day too..is a painful reminder that his parents are no longer with us, and were taken from him far too soon.

So it is a bittersweet celebration for him….but for the kids..it is a BIG DEAL.

I already had to explain that 8 am on a Sunday was a bit early to present gifts.   That on Father Day AND Mother’s Day…a special part is letting that parent have some PEACE!

Patrick is like me this year though too, we are not focused on this Hallmark Holiday…we are distracted by birthday plans for Caity and flipping around babies and worrying about cramming in all the other things we need to do in the next busy few weeks.

However…it can not go unnoticed.

And Patrick IS an awesome Father.

As a partner, he is and always was a hands on guy.   I never ever feel like I am parenting on my own..it is a team effort and I do not know what I would do without him.

I ENJOY parenting with him.   He helps my confidence, he helps share in the sometimes MISERY of it all, he makes being a family feel amazing.

I love watching him with the kids….at play or dealing with serious issues…I LOVE watching him being a dad.

I honestly love it.

I love the way he talks to the kids.

I love seeing him under a pile of kids.  His warmth and love radiates from him.

His children feel safe and secure and loved by him.

(even though they will still come and find me to ask inane questions when he is right there - that mom thing..go figure!)

I love being a family with Patrick.

We are a fairly insular little group….bu we enjoy our own company.  We enjoy doing things as a family..even the most mundane, even when the kids are being total tools….we are happy in each others company.

And really….how many men are willing to try even the WEIRDEST suggestions to get this soon to be member of our family to flip over in the right direction!?  Yes, apparently this girl is breech.  After a non stress test and a quick peek via UltraSound on Friday, it was confirmed that she is sitting up instead of upside down.  We have a feeling she will flip around as she is an active baby but are going to try shifting her on Wednesday as they (OB’s and Midwifes) fairly sure I will be heading into labour soon.   So right now we gotta try all the ideas out there to move her.

That is MOXIBUSTION.  It is a Chinese Herb.  You burn it.   Actually, you make it into a glowing hot tip and point said hot burning tip at your little toes….apparently this gets baby excited and active and encourages HER to turn around and hopefully facedown before the big DUE DATE.

You have to do five minutes on each to for a few times and repeat about three times a day.

But apparently it does work.

No kidding.

This is the sort of thing he does for me.

This is why I love him.

Happy Fathers Day

And sand…and the dinos roared…ooooh.

Ahem.

There are apparently quite a few photos from the awesome #bloghervancity PreBlogHer meetup arranged by the hotnsaucy Mr. Lady of Whiskey in my Sippy Cup….but I haven’t seen any NOR did I take any…am lame that way.

How come I can chat with almost total strangers BUT feel weird about taking their photos??

Maybe I would have been better with the new camera that we picked up last night….a Lumix by Panasonic.   Can’t wait to figure it out.

It was at the Hastings location of Caffe Artigiano, which put together a bang up spread.  Holy yummy sandwiches.

Thanks to the meetup, I now have even MORE blogs to add to my links instead of just on my bookmarks.

Wow, Vancouver has a LOT of awesome women and mom bloggers.

In the last couple of months I have attended a few different meeting and get togethers of the social media type and met new people at every one….there are a lot of women in the Lower Mainland who are fully tuned in to social media like blogging, twittering and facebook.

The estrogen levels were soaring.

I think there was four of us preggo moms there.    There was also babies…..yummy babies.

I hope the already moms didn’t scare the newbie moms to be too much !  Heh.

I am not sure how much about BlogHer was actually discussed.   Mr. Lady and Dutch Blitz are BlogHer Con pro’s….and for BlogHer newbies..they are the one’s to hang out with there…they know all the ‘FAMOUS’ bloggers that attend.   They can get you in with the ‘in crowd.’

I think that is the biggest lesson about the con.  You need plan BEFORE hand.   You need to prearrange hanging with buddies.  Otherwise it can get seriously overwhelming if you have any REMOTE social anxiety issues.

I am forever grateful for the women who DID take me in under their wings….it was awesome.  But yeah…can be scary.

I have only been once.  I would love to go again..but budgets and location will always be key to this decision.

Chicago is a bit far.

I am still gunning for our very own conference.   Vancouver and really….all of BC has SOOO many freaking women bloggers.  It is amazing.

My bookmarks are exploding.

Twitter has me finding more and more and all are nice and smart and good writers……how humbling.

Guess I need to write and post more!

Need to attract the attention of real Canadian sponsorship and all that.

Put on my PR/Marketing hat.

The hat will fit better once preggo brain is purged…I assure you.  Hah.

Great huh.

I was chuckling though, because even without any deep thoughts or big issues to blog about (and there are some..I am just too tired to formulate coherent sentences) there is ALWAYS something to talk about.

Yesterday, there came blood curdling screams from outside..Adam comes staggering in, looking worse for wear, CLUTCHING his knee….when I see his knee I almost hurl.  He has done a number on it.

Blerg.

It was going to take a LOT more than the band aids and polysporin that we had.

This was an hour before Crunchy Husband was about to make HIS escape for a poker night and WE had been thinking about hitting a movie.

Instead it was of to the ER.

His gaping wound….big L shaped gash on knee..was big enough that Fast Track in the ER actually meant that this time and we were out of there in about two hours.

Him with about 4 stitches in his knee and feeling like a war hero.

The reason the wound was so bad was because the green space beside our house is cobbled with ‘decorative’ concrete blocks.  This is probably because it is also the ‘fire lane.’  But not conducive for safe play by clumsy children.

He also now has a Hitler mustache shaped scrape right under his nose.

Age 7 - Adam receives first stitches.

And I want to thank my mom for having the large scotch to calm ‘her’ nerves in front of me.

My boy is seven today.

I can’t believe it.   That sounds SO grown up.

How can I recall every moment of his delivery with such detail and it be seven years ago!?

We have been amazed and enchanted by him since the day he was born.     

His intensity and deepness showed up from the moment he arrived.

He is a deep little man.  Always has been.

As much as he can totally infruriate us, he humbles us with his big heart and deep deep thoughts.

Sending him out into the ‘real’ world has been my biggest fear and heartache.   I want to protect him from all the meaness in the world.    I hate seeing him sad and or defeated.   I want to scream and hit everyone who hurts his heart.

His empathy has melted us and many others throughout his short time here.   He loves to read and help the little girl he sits with in class.  She has Downs.

He constantly helps out the quadraplegic girl in his class too.

He loves entertaining younger kids and babies.

I find him struggling the most with his peers.  Mainly because we have treated him as ‘older’ somehow always.  His deepness causes us to forget just how young he is.

I see him somewhat baffled by how the kids his own age act.  He prefers ‘hanging’ with the older kids in school and in the neighbourhod.

I suppose it doesn’t help when he is the child of two socially awkward geeks either.

The girls…of all ages seem to think he is cute!

Adam is very special to me.  Not just because he is my one and only boy.  He just always feels like my little miracle.  For no other reason than his very existence.

Life changed when he arrived and has been better for it.

I have never felt more fulfilled than when I became a parent of my little boy.

His love, affection, humour and all the other more annoying quirks have made life worth living.

Not just for me, but I know his dad feels the same, as does family and friends that have met him.

It was amazing to watch him read his own birthday card this morning.  He cried because I signed it from mummy.

My boy.

I love you.

I want all the people out there who express negativity or disappointment about having boys to understand how wonderful boys really are.

I would love a world that banished all the gender stereotypes and just see children for who they are and who they can be.

Of course boys and girls are different….different …..not bad or worse than girls.

I hear some women fear not having a close relationship with their boys as they grow. They assume that they would be closer to their daughters.

I really don’t know about that at all.

My Aunt is the mother to two grown boys who adore her. They still enjoy hanging with their folks and share their lives and troubles with their mom.

My cousin in Scotland has FOUR boys..men now. All with children of their own. They adore their mom.

I am close to my mom. But we ‘grew up’ together in special circumstances.

Caitlyn is very different from me. I love her, of course….but our personalities are polar opposites.

Our children are not clones of us.

We have to raise them for the unique individuals that they are. We can’t mirror ourselves in them nor judge them against our own characters.

Our job is to make them the best humans they can be and send them out in the world…hopefully to make positive changes in their own way in their own world.

I am thankful for being healthy.   

But I am so done being pregnant.

How on earth did miss this?  Really…..I think my husband has it taped somewhere, that I actually missed being pregnant!

How?

I have like 7 weeks to go.

She has shifted down..head is now resting in my groin.  I cannot bend down now.

I keep getting MAJOR false labour sesssions.  They go on for ever.

I have been told they get worse after each subsequent pregnancy.  Joy.

I keep ruining shirts by pressing against things I am trying to clean.

I also feel stupid.

I am convinced each week of pregnancy is killing more brain cells.  I am incapable of making a decision or thinking for myself these days.

I really really feel bad for my husband who is faced with my blank and or bewildered looks every single day.

I don’t think I make much sense these days.

I also hate feeling on the verge of tears for no reason.    Or overwhelmed.

I used to be quite feisty.  Now I feel like my hunter/protecter must take his club and deal with all issues, while I cower behind him.

How primal.

I also drop things a lot.  And really…my driving SUCKS.

And cooking…I burned corn yesterday.   In a pot.  With water.

I burned toast today.

Sigh.

I hate wishing the time away.

My sons 7th Birthday is tomorrow….this is a big deal…I want to make a big deal of it.

My daughters 5th Birthday is next month.

There is a lot of stuff going on in June.  Stuff I want to be a part of.

Or you know, just be in like statis or hybernation till my due date.

With the great weather we have had over the last few days,  we have spent a lot of time out side.  Us grown ups were working on cleaning up our front and back patios, while the kids were up and roaming wild and free throughout the complex with whatever friends were available at that time.

Bikes were out, water guns were out, princesses were out in full force.

All was good.

Until yesterday.

The first issue was sort of expected…it keeps happening..it is why I despise a lot of our neighbours and their rotten children.

On Friday we watched the children of the MOST disfunctional family in our court leave to spend the weekend with their dad, all the while listening to the ex’s gripe and snipe at each other in front of the kids.  How awful.

This is the ‘mom’ who has the license plate cover that reads ‘If you are riding my ass, at least pull my hair.’ Real classy.

The other pair of boys family is friends with these people.  They hang out a lot.  We have noticed that Adam is only interesting to the kids when these children are away for the weekend.

So basically HE was out playing from 9 am Sat onwards….bikes were out, action figures, you name it.

He was happy.

My daughter was happy too as we have a little girl her age living next door to us.  They too can go all day.

I love it.

Anyway….sure enough.   

The older disfunctional kids came home late yesterday.   For a while it seemed okay.  Adam was even ‘allowed’ to play on their tramploline with the other kids.  

For five minutes.

Until some other apparently more SPECIAL kid showed up.

Then he was PUSHED physically off the trampoline and told to go away.

Adam was great.

He told them they were a bunch of bullies and walked away.

My heart broke into a million pieces.

I swear, I am gonna get that kid alone and put the fear of me and every deity he can think of.

I get that he is messed up no doubt.

I was a child of divorce too.

I get that on his return he feels he needs to reestablish his position…but not at the cost of my childs feelings…and fuck those other snot bags for going along with it.

When he resignedly said he had no friends, my heart sank.   I had to explain that these weren’t really friends anyway.  Just neighbour kids that were OKAY to play with…but that was it.  They weren’t friends.

We told him that he would find REAL friends…he would know what a real friendship was when he had it and not to worry.

Big heavy stuff.

Fuckers.

Then.

My daughter had had a fantastic day.   Her and her little buddy had gathered up a pile of dress up clothes with another older girl and they had headed to the little play area in the court across from us to play princesses.  The big girl did face painting.  They were in heaven.

They came back around 3 or 4ish to be thrilled that we had moved her playhouse from her room to the front yard.  Immediately both boys and girls had swarmed into it to play restaurants.

All was good.

Or so we thought.

After dinner, while sitting with her dad and chit chatting about stuff, she suddenly blurted out about a man who had shown his penis to her!

We all choked on our tongues and GENTLY tried to find out if she was being silly and crude or if there was something serious going on.

After much agony convincing her that SHE wasn’t in trouble and had no reason to get all mad….the story slowly came out.

We confirmed bits of it with the other little gir, and Adam too.

Indeed…a man on a bike had come into the court and approached the girls….climbed right up to them and proceeded to play with himself after asking if they wanted to see a ’surprise.’

The girls were more pissed at him interfering in their game and they promptly packed up and left.

I would like my heart to start beating again anytime soon.

We didn’t get the whole story really till 9 at night.

Patrick then went to talk to the other neighbours and they went to the court where this happened and sure enough, one of the dads had seen the guy, but didn’t assume anything was amiss at a glance…but at least we had a description.

He urged Patrick to call the Police and they wanted to send someone down to talk to us about it.

My daughter was amazed that the police ‘man’ was a police ‘WOMAN’ “with pretty hair!”

She took down all the details and talked to the neighbours too.

She will let us know if they want or need to speak to the kids about it.

While we always keep an ear or eye out on the kids while they play outside here…we need them to stick to the two nearest courts and they have it drummed in to tell us which place they are going to when and so on, with my mom in the next court and all the other kids out and about on the weekends, we have always felt fairly secure in letting them roam a bit further than outside our gate.

It has been the luxury of living in a family friendly townhouse complex.

Not any more.

In light of the horror of Tori Stafford, we have been hammering home the rules about ’strangers’ to both kids.

Caity in her stubborn ways, never wants to hear anything about ‘what to do’ or any sort of rules, and Adam always figures he knows better…we have been forced to work really hard on the issues around ’stranger danger.’

I think for Adam, seeing how seriously shaken we were by this..HE at least is starting to get it.  Perhaps he being big bro, will help get the message through to Caity.

This morning I popped into the complex managers office to let him know..he was horrified as he has a small child too!  He is going to see about getting an official warning memo out to the residents.

He also, by my description thinks it may have been one of the ‘binners’ we see around here.   For an enclosed complex, we get a lot of through traffic between the dumpster divers and people walking their dogs who think OUR green space is a great place for their dogs to take a shit.

We will be keeping the kids a lot closer to home from now on.

Which sucks for them…for the summer..when they should be playing and having fun.

Our tiny front yard and the green space beside our house will have to do for a while.

Now I must go and colour the fresh crop of grey hairs that have sprouted over night from all of this.

Ah parenthood…

See, in 07 I really felt I was losing it when I was pregnant.  To the point that I went on some mild anti depressants and prenatal therapy.  Huge foreshadowing there, huh.

So I survived.  

When I found I was preggers again..I sort of did a ’self diagnostic’ and figured I was doing okay and stopped all my meds.

And yes..I have been doing pretty good.  As good as anyone I suppose, pregger or not.

But I have my moments.

Friday I was an OGRE.  HORRID.  I don’t think I said one thing to the kids in a ‘normal’ tone.

They did deserve it though…really.  Adam never backs down on a campaign for ANYTHING.  No means nothing.  Even if it comes with a basic explanation.  NOT GOOD ENOUGH.  He will whine or badger you, figuring you will give up.  I don’t though. 

Not when it comes to some good life lessons.  Or at least opportunities for life lessons.

I do wish for a day when no means no though, and that is it.

And that you don’t get ‘rewards’ for EVERYTHING!   Breathing doesn’t mean you get a gift.   

It was to the point where my poor husband dared life and limb and pointed out that for my ‘health’ I need to chill out and just yell for help if feeling overwhelmed.

Ouch.

This weekend though…I have been feeling better.  

My energy levels seem to have organized into a more NORMAL pattern…and I was thrilled to survive 6 hours out of the house on Saturday with a kids birthday party chucked in there too!

Yesterday my ‘nesting’ instincts kicked into over drive.

I put together the new stroller

I swapped out busted blinds for working one’s.

Cleaned windows

Dusted corners

Did loads of laundry 

and FINALLY cleaned out downstairs closet and put away all the wrap (CHRISTMAS!!!) and birthday wrap away.

I now have a pile of things to go into our storage locker.

And there is room in the closet for the new stroller….which I love and am totally thrilled with.  Today I may even see how it fits in the car!

Today (this afternoon anyway) I need to check out some mystery stuf in Caity’s room and see if I can clear out the closet a bit more for her stuff.

We need to take down her play house and decide if it is going to go into storage or be set up outside for her to play in over the summer.  I think that might work…specially with the little girl now living next door…they can play there together and I can hear them and keep an eye on them.  The girl lives with a mom who doesn’t seem to care about WHERE her 5 year old is or who she is playing with.  She is out all day and appears to mostly feed and dress herself.  She is a really nice kid who, by going on the dried snot all over her face, could really do with a wash and some allergy meds.

This is just ONE of the things on my list.

There is the usual cleaning too.  But with the kids and stuff trooping in and out of the house right now, floor cleaning isn’t a priority.

That reminds me…deal with burning smell in Vacuum asap.

I am also getting used to the whole gestational diabetes eating thing.  My readings have not been RIGHT where they need to be, but not bad.  I am happy with the results.  Which means THEY won’t be..but I feel that I must have reached a good balance because of not feeling starved etc….I feel good.    

So there.

It has held me back from posting, because it is becoming the preggo moms version of the whiny teenage diary writing…”why doesn’t he notice meeeee”.  But with….”why does this diabetes thing suck sooo muuuuch” instead.   Or “why can’t I sleeeeeeep” or “why can’t my kids sleeeeep”

You get the picture.

My mood has been fairly dark recently.

Irritating events on top of irritating events are making me a very cranky woman these days.  My tolerance for perceived stupidity is at an all time low.

I am not in the forgiving mood either.

I have LOADS of stuff to do around the house and instead would rather go hide with a goo book.  I did that for most of mothers day (I would rather NOT explain why) and part of yesterday too.

I am not depressed…just feeling totally defeated by the forces around me.   And angry about it all too.

And I KNOW  that there are folks out there with WAY bigger issues than me…AND that I need to look at the bright side of things and the good…but ..well, you know.

For the diabetes thing….Well my readings weren’t that great the first week, BUT I was more curious about what readings I would get on food that I normally eat rather than going cold turkey on adopting their diet plan.

This week so far..since yesterday AM anyway, the readings are better..because I am harshly sticking to their plan and food choices.

THAT hopefully should shut em up.

I have only been twice to the clinic and their chaotic frenetic pace and lack of listening skills are already pissing me off.   And it isn’t just me…the other GD ladies have the same expression on their faces as me and are usually saying as little as possible to the nurses, doctors and dietitians there too.

We are not children.  We are hormonal, hungry preggo women.    Denying us our fave foods this late into pregnancy probably breaks some part of the Geneva Convention…of that I am sure.

Being surprised that my baby is not a monster size, just because, in your eyes, I am is also being annoying.

This girl is measuring just right for her due date thank you very much.  Now piss off.

I am supposed to walk or exercise for ten minutes after every meal….a great idea, but I find walking quite painful these days.  My tummy tightens up and it gets hard to breathe.

I had this with pretty much with all my pregnancies.  

It was WAY worse with little Scott, I could barely walk.

I find I have to do all activity in little bursts.     So chill the frak out Diabetes People!

Saturday we had glorious weather and so we did an impromtue yard sale. It was pretty slow but we did get rid of some stuff and made about $50 total.  Adam rocked…he hauled out a wack of old toys and was QUITE the salesman.

Today I really really need to tackle the pile of christmas wrap sitting in a corner.  However, this entails hauling out loads of stuff from the under the stairs closet to sort out THAT mess and that has been stopping me.

Not today….gotta do it.

It will make me feel better..too see that corner again.  

I have been on a big clear out jag..the garbage bags are being put to very good use these days….I just gotta declutter.

On Mothers Day I received some lovely hand made gifts from my kids…Adam had a made a photo fridge magnet and done a little essay about his mom and what she likes…fancy restaurants and penguin pj’s, apparently.   Caity had painted a very modern and pink painting on canvas for me.

Bless em.

The child inside me is trying to currently kick her way through my cervix.  Bless her.

Okay…..must have snack….lack of food making me cranky.