1 A*
1 A
5 Bs
4 Cs
1 D

I have passed Additional Literacy and Numeracy, and have a Distinction Star in BTEC Performing Arts.

I’m rather pleased.

Along with the Sun, News Of The World, and every other newspaper. The Daily Sport isn’t even sport.

And on its website, Mail Online, you’ll find the commenters really enjoy hopping upon the high horse. Topics such as ‘Broken britan’ [sic], ‘immigrents’ [sic] and ‘National Heal Servic’ [sic] are regularly discussed. ‘The woman is one of our Nulabour illiterates’, one commenter screams in your face. ‘God help Britain because our children won’t be able to.’

But that comment stood out more than any slanging match between Jordan and Peter, documented as breaking news on the Mail website.

The fact that this man relies upon a non-existent non-entity to fix the world in the absence of ‘our children’ really upset me. He has the arrogance to believe his ‘generation’ is the last to have ‘moral values’ or use ‘proper language’.

We have teenagers interested in science, in maths, in politics, in literature.

Our teenagers are capable of doing anything they could possibly want to.

I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of people slagging us off.

Please make a stand. Because I’m too lazy to do it myself.

Kthxbai

DANGER OF JUST TWO FIZZY DRINKS

So as I consume a hefty amount of diet cola, I thought I’d look into this.

But it all falls apart there.

Dr Nimer Assy said his research, published in the Journal of Hepatology, showed that long-term consumption of fizzy drinks could result in liver failure and the need for a transplant.

Dr Assy said parents would be better replacing the juice in their children’s lunch boxes with a bottle of water.

The ingredient in fizzy drinks and juices that causes the damage is a fruit sugar called fructose, which is highly absorbable in the liver.

Dr Assy said: “Fructose ups the chances that you will suffer from a fatty liver, which can lead to cirrhosis of the liver and liver ­cancer.

Let’s back up a bit.

Dr Nimer Assy said his research, published in the Journal of Hepatology

So obviously, I looked up Dr. Assy’s name in the Journal of Hepatology and found nothing about ‘the danger of fizzy drinks’.

Nothing about this. What Willey has done here is what the Express always does; clutch at straws.  Of course Dr. Assy seems like an upright and reputable doctor. But there’s something that I can’t quite put my finger on… something almost… fishy…

Read the full article from the Daily Express here… and visit the Journal of Hepatology here.

Harry Patch, last surviving soldier of World War One and third-oldest man, at 111, died 25 July. I did.

Unfortunately without Mr. Patch we are likely to forget the unspeakable horrors that occured during the first World War.

To peace.

Two more films that nauseate anyone but the cheesiest of Hollywood producers:

Sandra Bullock stars as Margaret, a high-powered book editor who will walk over anyone to get to the top – not least, her long suffering assistant, Andrew.

So when Margaret faces deportation back to her native Canada, and therefore losing her job, she decides she needs to get married fast – and informs Andrew he is now her official fiancé.

Now, the not so happy couple must persuade everyone that their relationship is real. But Andrews’s parents in Alaska are going to take some convincing!

If you liked ‘The Devil Wears Prada’ and ’27 Dresses’, you’ll love ‘The Proposal’.

‘The Proposal’ – showing at your local cinema.

GOLLY!!!! Another farce. But why does she face deportation? Because she’s a regular “female dog” if you understand me.

But there’s nothing sickening about the description, but the films that it’s likened to – “The Devil Wears Prada” or “27 Dresses” – make you feel queasy at the very least.

Yes, I know the next film is a children’s film. But wait! It’s not Disney!

Neither is it High School Musical 24 (but I thought we could play basketball forever!)

No, this is Bandslam. Still, they’ve taken Vanessa Hudgens out of HSM and dumped her right into this strangely familiar film:

A foot-stomping, laugh-out-loud, music-driven comedy, ‘Bandslam’ tells the story of Charlotte Banks, a talented singer-songwriter.

When Charlotte asks new kid in town Will Burton to manage her new rock band she has only one aim in mind – to beat her musician ex-boyfriend, Ben, in the Battle of the Bands event.

However, to everyone’s surprise, the band begins to develop a great sound – now they have a real chance at success. But when disaster strikes, they must make a choice – admit defeat, or face the music.

If you liked ‘The School of Rock’ and ‘High School Musical’, you’ll love ‘Bandslam’.

‘Bandslam’ – showing at your local cinema.

ANOTHER battle of the bands event? And another talented singer-songwriter? Oh dear, we’re just going to have to capitalise on little girls’ pocket money again. Posters! Badges! Sweets!Aspire to yet another false goal. Don’t worry. I’ve tried it.

So that’s another round of films I’ve not seen but for some reason I can critique.

Prices for an adult Uxbridge Odeon ticket stand at eight pounds twenty – put two quid on to that if you want to sit in a slightly more comfortable seat and not sit with those lower than you.

BYEEEEEEEEEEEE

Their synopsis of ”The Hangover’ is enough to make you feel sick:

“‘The Hangover’ is a crazy comedy about a bachelor party that goes horribly wrong.
Two days before his wedding, Doug (Justin Bartha) and his three friends head to Vegas, for a weekend they’ll never forget. But after their first night, they wake up with huge headaches and can’t remember a thing. All they know is, the hotel room is trashed and Doug is missing.
Now the trio must find out where things went wrong, find Doug, and get him back to LA in time for his wedding.
But as the hangovers wear off, and their memories return, they realise just how much trouble they are in.
If you liked ‘Wedding Crashers’ and ‘Zack and Miri Make a Porno’, you’ll love ‘The Hangover’.
‘The Hangover’ – showing at your local cinema.”

‘Crazy comedy’. ‘Hotel room…trashed’. ‘Zack and Miri Make a Porno’. Just….. eurgh.

Let’s take another example: Night At The Museum 2. As if the first film wasn’t all cutesy and studio-ey:

“Ben Stiller, returns as a hilarious night watchman Larry Daley in the sequel to the hit film ‘Night at The Museum’. This time Daley is faced with a whole new kind of mayhem inside the world famous Smithsonian Institute!
Packed full of rip-roaring gags and hilarious cameos, ‘Night at the Museum 2′ is a comic treat not to be missed!
If you liked, ‘National Treasure: Book of Secrets’ and ‘The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe’, You’ll love ‘Night at the Museum 2′.
‘Night at the Museum 2: Battle of the Smithsonian’ – showing at your local cinema.”

You are not going to sell me a film whereby the producers describe their own film as ‘hit’. Nor are you going to sell me one with Ben Stiller in it.

‘Rip-roaring gags’. ‘Hilarious cameos’. ‘Hilarious night-watchman’.

Errrrr, no.

And also it’s over-priced. Eight pounds twenty for a standard adult ticket. And the popcorn and drink is a fiver.

Pffft. That’s why I haven’t been.

WELL, LOOK NO FURTHER THAN:

BEDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!

Good for the brain, heart, liver, and in fact pretty much every other body part you could think of.

NO NEED FOR ANY EFFORT

Just put on a fresh pair of pyjamas and jump into a nice cosy bed for uninterrupted unadulterated natural healing time.

AND THIS IS NO HOMEOPATHY!

Scientists tell us that getting into bed is at least 1:1 healing power, compared to today’s 1:10000000000000000000 homeopathic woo.

BETTER THAN SLICED BREAD

You may wish to eat a piece of bread before you go to bed. Just eat, jump in, sleep, and wake up in the morning refreshed and ready for whatever the world may throw at you. Even if it is a bit of sliced bread.

Shut up now.