Crusty Ambulance Driver

I've Come to Jesus...I've Been Wrong All Along...

noreply@blogger.com (Crusty) — Tue, 21 Dec 2010 08:00:00 +0000

Some of you knew this was coming...a public apology...and my farewell post...

I really had a re-awakening experience, and I've realize that I've been wrong all along. I don't know what I've been thinking...being mad at people for wanting & liberally using a socialized 911 ambulance services. Even more deplorably, I've been encouraging people to crave freedom and despise the idea of tyrannically robbing other people of their freedoms.

I've found Jesus, and I've realized that Jesus would want me to use a gun to take money from other people, and then, piss that money away by giving it to people who have no interest in their own self-improvement. I've been a hater, and I really want to apologize to all of you readers for attempting to influence you to become a hater like I am.

I've realized that people are too dumb to make decisions for themselves. At one point, I chastized the general public for calling 911 and requesting an ambulance when they weren't absolutely positive somebody wanted to go to the hospital, and that person absolutely NEEDED an ambulance to get to the hospital. That was a mistake. My revised advice to the public is this...

Attention fellow Socialists..."Comrades:"

Please do not attempt to make decisions for yourselves or attempt to take care of your own problems without involving the government. If you sense the slightest hint of a potential problem, with any aspect of your life, CALL 911 immediately! Let us come and tell you whether or not you have a problem. Don't allow yourself to make these decisions for yourself; you might make the wrong decision, and worse yet, you may start to feel empowered by the satisfaction of being able to rely on yourself to solve your own problems, thereby rendering government services useless. Let us do the thinking for you.

The forefather of America's educational system, John Dewey, once said, "You can’t make Socialists out of individualists. Children who know how to think for themselves spoil the harmony of the collective society, which is coming, where everyone is interdependent." In other words, we should governmentally CONTROL public education to ensure children don't learn to think for themselves...to ensure children don't become individualist or independent, because individuality & independence threaten the harmony of our socialist society. What a great man! No wonder he is credited as being the forefather of our educational system.

I bring this up because I have been guilty of attempting to cause people to think for themselves and become more self-reliant, independent, responsible, and personally-accountable individuals. I've been subverting the work of one of the greatest men this world has known. I now realize this was wrong of me. Jesus would be very upset with my attempts to cause people to become personally accountable and potentially spoil the harmony of a socialist society.

The last thing any of us want is for government services to dwindle in size & scope, due to citizens becoming more self-reliant and personally responsible. For that reason, I encourage everyone to call 911, and call often. If you can, call right now, just to have the ambulance come by and "check you out"...they'll let you know if you have a problem or not. You never know if you're dying, and you can never be too careful.

For my part, I will hereby cease to be a Crusty Ambulance Driver. I will be extra courteous to everyone who calls 911. I want people to be so pleased with my socialist services that they can't imagine not calling 911 when they think they might have any sort of problem. I want them to think, "why would I want to go to the doctor in my own car, or call a friend to take me to the doctor, when I can call those nice, good-looking gentlemen on the ambulance to come to my house, pick me up from my living room, in my slippers & night gown, and drive me to the hospital in their super-sanitized, luxurious, 911 limousine?" I want people to be so pleased with our service that they tell all their friends about it and encourage them to also call 911 whenever possible.

I've turned over a new leaf...I'm serious about this...as God is my witness, I will hereby serve Jesus by doing my part to expand government services and rob citizens of their freedom & personal responsibility.

All I can say is, I'm sorry. I hope none of you have been led astray by my misdirected, ill-conceived, ignorant complaints about 911 abusers, the 911 system, and in general, government intrusion on freedom. Freedom is of the Devil. It sounds like most of you resolutely held your ground, and you were not swayed by my delusional attempts to persuade you to be free-thinking lovers of liberty...for which I am glad. Carry on, fellow Socialists, and God speed.

What I'm trying to say is, "I'm on a PUMPER! I'm on a PUMPER, MF'ers! Take a good, hard look at my MF'ing pumper."

I Wasn't Born a Crusty Ambulance Driver...My First Run...

noreply@blogger.com (Crusty) — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 22:44:00 +0000

I wasn't born a Crusty Ambulance Driver. At one time I was a sympathetic trainee, in the back of the box. I was scared, conscientious, enthusiastic, and compassionate. I even remember getting pysching myself up, thinking, 'I'm going to learn my job so well that nobody will ever die in my care.' I thought I would be a life-saving, EMT superhero. This was long before the box beat my ass, over and over again, and transformed me into the ugly, cantankerous, crusty, shell of an EMT I am today. I look in the mirror today, and I hardly recognize the mean old bastard I've become.

I don't know if it was my first day or first run, but this is the first day I remember being on the box...

I was in EMT school, doing my ambulance rotations. I remember actually being excited for my first several runs. Back then, I even got butterflies in my stomach when a run came in. I carried my EMT textbook with me so I could look up things I didn't remember, in order to more thoroughly care for my patients.

Who knows what this particular call was dispatched as...probably an "intoxicsted person." Back then, I was naive enough to think every call was an extremely life-threatening emergency...every call was a "cardiac arrest" to me. When we arrived at the location, which was an old, do-it-yourself carwash, we found a man lying in the prone position, on the ground, and he was surrounded by a bunch of hobos, who were apparently his "roommates." The temperature was very cold; it must have been 30-something degrees.

My trainer walked up to the patient, walked a half-circle around his head, and within 5 seconds, callously declared, "yep, he's dead." I thought to myself, 'What?!!! How do you know he's dead?!!...You didn't even check for a pulse, and we learned in EMT school that a person's not dead until he's WARM and dead.'

Trying to suppress my surprise & disgust, and trying not reveal that I doubted him, I humbly asked my preceptor, "Not that I doubt you...I'm just trying to learn...but, how can you tell he's dead?" My trainer curtly responded, "Just look at him!"

I looked at him and saw that his face was purple, but I figured it was just because he was cold. I asked, "Should someone check his pulse?" He flippantly said, "Go ahead, but he's dead."

Finally becoming frustrated, my trainer grabbed the hobo's shoulder and rolled him over. Pointing to his face, he asked, "See the lividity?" The hobo's face was flattened by the ground, and it didn't bounce back when he was rolled over (I had never dreamed of seeing something like that!). The front of his face was purple, and there was a clear line where the purple ended and white skin began. However, not really knowing what lividity looked like back then, I lied and responded, "Oh yeah, I see the lividity."

I was slightly intrigued and simultaneously horrified to see his face. Up to that point, I don't think I had really seen a dead guy in person, and it seemed weird to be looking at a real dead guy. I pretended like it didn't affect me. I also felt a little weird about saying he was "dead," right in front of the dead guy. I thought it might make him feel bad or something (...make him feel self-conscious about his dead-ness).

My trainer further pointed out the rigormortis, and then he guided me through checking for a carotid pulse, which he did not have. Even though I had already been pretending to realize that he was dead for a long time, at that moment, I finally realized, for myself, that he was probably dead.

We interviewed his friends and asked about his medical conditions. One of the hobo's friends explained that he had breathing problems, and he used an inhaler. My trainer asked if he knew where the inhaler was. The dead hobo's friend said, "Yeah, I actually have it," and then he explained that the dead hobo kindly loaned him the inhaler the night before, because the dead hobo's friend was feeling like he was starting to have breathing problems of his own.

My trainer then told the dead hobo's friend that the dead hobo probably had an asthma attack during the night, and since he didn't have his inhaler, he passed out, and then died from the cold.

The dead hobo's friend immediately started crying while looking at the inhaler in his hand, as if it was a gun that he had just used to murder his best friend. Tearfully, the dead hobo's friend explained what a great hobo his dead friend was and how much he will be missed by the rest of his hobo-tourage.

I got a big lump in my throat, my eyes got glassy, and I had to fight to hold back the tears (I couldn't let my trainer know I was getting all emotional over a hobo). I wanted to give the filthy friend of the dead hobo a big hug and bring him home with me. I remember wondering how I could personally help this hobo so that HE didn't end up freezing to death, face down in an old, do-it-yourself carwash. Of course I did nothing beyond thinking I should help him.

That may have been the first and last time I ever felt sympathy for a dead hobo and his surviving hobo friends.

Even though I believe I give an honest effort to do everything I can to help save ANY patient's life; I don't believe I'm capable of feeling the same compassion I felt for that hobo on that day. I don't know if it's a good thing or bad thing, but everyday I lose a little bit more of that compassion I was once capable of feeling.

This post was written for "The Handover, Blog Carnival." This month's theme was, "The First Emergency." All the submissions for this month's edition, from various bloggers, can be found at: http://medicblog999.wordpress.com/2009/08/27/the-handover-edition-7/

Free Markets VS. Keynesian Economics Music Video

noreply@blogger.com (Crusty) — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 19:21:00 +0000

Entertaining music video on Free Markets...

Crazy, Embarassing Stuff That Happens on the Ambulance...

noreply@blogger.com (Crusty) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 21:17:00 +0000

I've been thinking about writing this for a while. This post is all about the crazy, embarassing stuff that has happened to me over the years of driving the ambulance. Like everything else on this blog, I probably made it all up out of my head and/or copied the ideas from dumb forwarded e-mails. Either way, it's still funny. It's a little cheesy, but some of you are into that, so here it goes...

Jelly is Jelly, Right?
We responded to a 38 y/o white female with diabetes, who was complaining of low blood sugar. She was able to swallow, so we decided to give her oral glucose. I had to go out to the ambulance to get the computer, so I told my partner to give her "some of that glucose jelly stuff." When I came back in, I asked him how it was going, and he said, "not good, she keeps spitting it out, saying it tastes bad." I started raising my voice at the lady, saying, "maam, you need to eat this jelly...your blood sugar is low." Then I got a closer look at the jelly he was feeding her. It was KY Jelly; we carry it to lubricate the breathing tubes. It was all over her lips and chin, and it was streaming off her chin, onto her clothes. Good thing she was not conscious enough to realize what was going on. I said, "Let's try this other flavor; maybe you'll like it better." We switched to the strawberry one, and somehow she didn't think our glucose jelly tasted so bad anymore.

Breasting Problems
We responded to the home of 85 y/o woman, complaining of breathing problems. She had CHF. I put a stethoscope on her chest and said, "Big breaths, maam." She responded in all seriousness, "They were a lot bigger, but they've gotten kinda saggy." My partner couldn't stop laughing and had to leave the room. I had to turn my face in the other direction and pretend to be getting something out of our bag, so she couldn't see me laughing.

Nicotine Patch Abuser
We responded to the home of 42 y/o black male who complained of feeling chest pain, racing heart rate, and being really dizzy. He said he was trying to quit smoking, and he was using the nicotine patches to help him quit. We took his pulse and found out it was 220 and pounding (really high...60-80 is normal). We asked him when the last time was he put on a patch, and he said, "well...the doc to' me ta' put one dese patches on e'ry eight hours, or when'r I really wanna smoke, but I runnin outta places ta put notha patch." We opened his shirt and found out he had adorned his chest and shoulders with about 15-20 patches, one every few hours, for the past couple of days. No wonder his pulse was racing; he had created a beautiful nicotine patch collage.

Bedridden...15 Years Ago
We responded to the home of 55 y/o black male who was bedridden. He had diabetes and major foot problems (missing one foot and missing several toes on the other foot). He was complaining of low blood sugar. Somebody asked him, "How long since you've been bedridden?" He kind of laughed and responded, "damn, iss been bout 15 yeaz, when ma wife leff me, since I had me some good sex in this here bed." It took me a second to realize what he thought I asking, but then we all realized it at once and busted out laughing.

A Taxi Cab Is The Last Place You Want To Be When You're Not Giving Birth
One day I was tending to 65 y/o woman with a headache in the ticketing area of an airport, and some Asian dude came running in, yelling at us, "My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi." The man beat me outside, and I guess I lost him, but I saw the taxi of his Asian wife right in front of me. I opened the taxi door of an Asian lady and told her to lay down. She kind of laid back, while looking kind of startled, but when I went to lift her dress to take off her underwear, she gave me some resistance. Then, wondering where the husband went, I realized there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. The lady, whose baby I was about to deliver, was not even pregnant, and on second thought, she hardly even looked pregnant. Good thing she was Vietnamese, and there was a severe language barrier, otherwise I'm sure she would have chewed me out and complained on me.

A Song That Got Stuck in My Head...Came Out at the Wrong Time
I don't know how the song got stuck in my head, but I kept wistling this song all day long. We responded to the home of 35 y/o white female, complaining of a vaginal bleed. She was 2 months pregnant, and she was probably having a miscarriage. When I went to put a bunch of pads in her pants, to absorb the blood, I had to have her pull down her underbritches. As I was putting the pads on the woman's vagina, I started whistling again (probably in an attempt to exude confidence and experience). The woman got kind of irritated with me and asked, "are you seriously whistling the 'wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner' song?"

Highly Dignified Way of Dying
We responded to the home of 58 y/o hispanic male, who was in cardiac arrest. We tried to revive him a little, but he had been down too long before we got there. The paramedics told me to the wife that he was dead and that he had a pretty big myocardial infarction. While we were packing up our stuff, the lady called her daughter and told her daughter that her husband was dead "they said cause of a big fart, or something." I try not to laugh on scene of dead person, while the family is around, but I couldn't help it this time. The paramedics quickly corrected her, "Maam, it was a heart attack."

Michael Moore Believes Capitalism Has Failed Us...

noreply@blogger.com (Crusty) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 21:49:00 +0000

Michael Moore's new movie talks about how capitalism has failed us. The problem with Michael Moore's assertion is that capitalism doesn't exist in America. It probably never has existed. What we have in America is not capitalism; it's socialism, fascism, mercantilism, corporatism, or some combination of all four of those. Whatever it's called, it's not capitalism, and IT is what has failed us, not capitalism.

What has failed us is corporations' ability to purchase legislation or regulations, which forces people to use their services or drives competitors out of the market (again, not capitalism...that's corporatism). The other thing that has failed us is the government socializing services, regulating businesses, or taking over businesses. This destroys the free market's ability to provide better services at better prices (again, this is not capitalism either...it's fascism, mercantilism, or socialism).

We need to get government out of businesses, and we need to get businesses out of government. Just like we believe in the separation of church and state, we need to institute the separation of corporations and state.

Either way, you can't blame capitalism, when capitalism has not existed in this country for many years, if ever. We either have a capitalist system or we don't. There is nothing in between.

Is Ron Paul the only politician with any sense? I love the part of this video when, right after Ron Paul explains to Larry King that having the "right" to medical care implies people have the right to force someone else to give them medical services or products, Larry King then asks Ron Paul, "Well...what if someone falls in the street, and he's dying...shouldn't the government take care of him?" The problem is, the general public thinks like Larry King. We are hopeless.

Blah, Blah, Blah...Something About 'Obama is About to Give the Sovereignty of the U.S. to a Global Government'...

noreply@blogger.com (Crusty) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 15:32:00 +0000

At one point, 100+ years ago, there were a bunch of states that didn't want to give power/control to the U.S. federal government. Now, you would be hard pressed to find an American that doesn't think the U.S. government, in its current form (maybe with a few minor adjustments) is a great idea. In fact, you would be hard pressed to find an American that wouldn't proudly put his hand over his heart and heil the U.S. federal government.

Ask any American if he thinks the FDA, DEA, FBI, USDA, NASA, the Fed, Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, IRS, standing armies, or FEMA are a good idea. I would bet they would say that all those government programs need improvement, but they're definitely necessary. Ask any American what he thinks about socialized education, and I could almost guarantee he will say something like, "what, do you want a bunch of ignorant people running around?" (do you mean like you?). These are people who SAY they believe in freedom. At one point, people who believed in freedom resisted all these socialist federal programs. Now they can't imagine a world without the federal government's benevolent socialist programs.

So, now we're about to enter into a treaty which gives the U.S.'s sovereignty to a world government (a lot like when the states were faced with the prospect of giving their sovereignty to the U.S. government). There are a few people who say they believe in freedom/sovereignty/etc. who will fight it, but eventually these same people won't be able to imagine how we ever managed without our world government. It's coming, and you can't stop it, but eventually I guarantee you'll love it, and you'll still claim to believe in freedom, sovereignty, etc.

When the U.S. government comes to finish taking your guns away (they're already 85% there), they'll do it in such a way that you'll actually thank them for ridding you of such dangerous and expensive items (due to taxes). You'll thank them for taking your guns away the same way you thank them for socialized education, health care (Medicare/Medicaid), Homeland Security, the military, etc...all of which deprive you of your freedoms.

This new world government will operate just like every other level of tyrannical government. When they oppress you, you'll actually thank them for it, and you won't be able to imagine a world without their government. You are ignorant sheep.

Heiling Obama, Spreading Freedom, and Pledging Allegiance...

noreply@blogger.com (Crusty) — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 16:00:00 +0000

Here are a couple of videos of a bunch of good, young, impressionable, faithful followers of Obama-ism, singing of their allegiance and respect for Obama. I would love to be watching one of these videos one day and see my own child amongst the cute children being forced to sing of their allegiance to one of our fascio-socialist leaders. This is so cute, it makes my heart swell with pride...

I especially like the part of the video where the children chanted, errrr, I mean, SANG about "spreading freedom." Is that what we call it now, "spreading freedom?" And how do you plan to spread freedom? Are guns and bombs required to spread your "freedom?" If so, you can keep your freedom. Here's another moving chant, errrr, song...

[Note: I used to have a video, following these comments, which showed children singing the "Hmm, Hmm, Hmm, Barack Hussein Obama;" however, that video has since been removed from YouTube, because the parents of the children in the video got pissed off that their children were chanting a song about Obama, and it was all over the internet. Now, I've posted a news story from Fox News, which discusses why the video was taken down. My favorite part of this story is when I found out that the song they were singing was actually a song about JESUS, and teachers had the kids substitute Obama's name for Jesus. Hilarious! You can't sing songs about Jesus in public schools, but you can take songs about Jesus and substitute Obama's name for Jesus. Here's the news report...].

"He said we must be fair today; equal work means equal pay...He said we all must take a stand, to make sure everyone gets a chance...Red, yellow, black, or white; all are equal in his eyes..." Karl Marx and I fully agree.

Not that I care for George W. Bush, either; but, why didn't teachers force their students to chant about George W. Bush?

Can someone tell me what the difference is between making our kids worshipfully chanting about their president and forcing our kids to put their hands over their hearts and chant the "Pledge of Allegiance," to the federal government of the United States? I suppose we just want to engrain in our children's heads that the federal government of the United States is a great, benevolent, liberty and justice bestowing, blind-patriotism-deserving, union of INDIVISIBLE states (a clear message to the South to not try to sucede from the union again, or we'll woop your asses). That seems innocent, doesn't it? We might as well force them to put their hands in the air, as if heiling Hitler, when they chant the Pledge of Allegiance (as was originally done, called the "Bellamy Salute," named after the Christian Socialist, Francis Bellamy, who wrote the original Pledge of Allegiance).

Here's a picture of a bunch of young, impressionable, patriotic kids, heiling (pledging allegiance to) the federal government of the United States, using the old salute, the Bellamy Salute...

Speaking of pledging allegiance,...

Thank God Obama is president now so that people will commit to start being nice to eachother. What does Obama have to do with wasting less resources and being nice to eachother, anyway? Why didn't you want to do that before Obama was president?

And what is this "pledge" stuff? Does that mean I have a choice, and I can just choose NOT to pledge? Or does it mean they want the majority to pledge to support tyrannical legislation which forces non-compliant, freedom-lovers, such as myself, to give away all my money for their "charitable" cause, whether I "pledge" to help or not? Pledges are scary.

What does it mean to be a servant of the President? Do I really get to choose NOT to pledge to be a servant of Obama, or am I going to be servant either way?

Why do all these dumbass actors still have so much money, when they obviously care so much about fixing the environment and taking care of other people? Or, do they only want ME to give up all MY money for other people and the environment? I like how P. Diddy, Puff Daddy, Sean John, Sean Combs (or whatever) pledged to turn off a few more lights in one of his many mansions. Asshole, just the refrigerators in your mansions use more electricity in a day than I'll use to power my house for an entire year. And how much energy and resources were required to build all those "cribs" you own?

Bad Patients, Bad Patients, Whatcha Gonna Do, Whatcha Gonna Do When They Come For You...

noreply@blogger.com (Crusty) — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 16:15:00 +0000

This may not be funny to most people, but this is how I amuse myself... Hot pursuit of a patient!

It was around 9 p.m., and we were called to a local soccer field for a seizure patient. When we arrived, we were greeted by a giant mob of frantically concerned hispanic males, wearing soccer gear. They were all yelling (in at least two languages) and pointing down the street. I cornered one person, and I asked him what happened. He told me our patient was playing soccer, and he had a seizure. He said our patient was unconscious for several minutes, and he needs to go to the hospital because 'his head is still not right.' He also told me that our patient often has seizures while playing soccer and hardly ever goes to the hospital. I asked him where our patient was, and he told me our patient had just fled the scene, and he was headed north. As this guy was telling me which direction our patient was heading, he was already beginning to run in that direction, pointing & yelling, and the mob followed him, also pointing and yelling.

Normally, when a patient is running from the ambulance, I don't give pursuit. There's something about a running patient that makes me think he may not need an ambulance for his "emergency medical condition." The ability to RUN is often one of the best indicators that a patient is not about to die. It also leads me to believe the patient is not interested in our help.

However, due to a general lack of stimulation in my life, and for the sole purpose of self-gratification, we decided it would be appropriate to give chase to the fleeing patient. So, I backed up my ambulance, turned my ambulance in the direction of the mob, which was now waving me in their direction and pointing in the direction they were running, and I began driving alongside the frantic mob, with lights and sirens blaring, in pursuit of a fleeing patient. My partner and I looked at eachother and started laughing at how delightfully stupid this scene was...10 MPH hot pursuit of a seizure patient by a giant mob and an ambulance!

After a few seconds of following the mob of 15-20 hispanic soccer players, we noticed that one guy was a little faster than the rest of the mob, and he had sort of made his way to the front of the pack, leading the pack by about 20 yards, so we decided we would pull behind this lone leader of the mob. So, now we're following the leader of the mob, with lights and sirens blaring, and the mob is still pursuing, 20 yards behind us, pointing in the direction we're driving & yelling. The leader of the mob is apparently running as fast as he can.

We were impressed with the leader of mob's tenacity and speed, and we wondered out loud, "How does this guy know where to go...I don't see a patient anywhere up ahead of us?" We figured he must know where our patient lives, and he's taking us to his house. He kept running, and we kept pursuing. We must have been pursuing for a few minutes now, and the mob was still running about 20-30 yards behind us, pointing in the direction we were headed, and yelling incomprehensible directions and cheers. We had to be gaining ground on the patient, by the sound of the escalating cheers of the mob.

At one point I thought, 'our patient must not be in too bad of shape to be out-running this speed-demon and the giant mob of hispanic soccer players behind him.'

Finally, one of us geniuses (probably my partner), submitted the question, "What if this lone leader of the mob is actually our patient, and the mob is actually chasing HIM? If so, we've been following our fleeing patient for the past 8-10 blocks, thinking he's leading us to our patient." It seemed absurb that a guy would run this far and this fast, in a straight line, with an ambulance driving right behind him, as if he was helping us, showing us where to go, when HE was really the guy we were chasing.

We both quickly put the clues together and solved the mystery in our respective heads. We looked at eachother at about the same time and said, "He, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha...THIS GUY'S OUR PATIENT...WE'RE CHASING OUR PATIENT, AND HE'S RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE!...ha, ha, ha, he, he, he...WHY IS HE RUNNING?...he, he, he, ha, ha, ha...HA, HA, HA, HA."

Now the scene looks like this:
--there is one post-ictal patient sprinting down the road;
--there is one ambulance driving behind a terrified patient, with lights and sirens blaring;
--there is an animated mob of concerned hispanic soccer players, approximately 1/2 block behind us, yelling, pointing, and cheering;
--and there are two highly sympathetic EMT's in the front seat of the ambulance laughing their asses off while pointing at the patient, running in front of the ambulance, pointing at the mob, and pointing at eachother.

If I was an on-looker, this scene would definitely be perplexing, but highly amusing. I would wonder, "why is that guy running from an ambulance and a bunch of soccer players?... ... ...Oh and, better yet, why is an AMBULANCE chasing someone?"

I had seen this move on an episode of Cops, so I decided I would give it a try. I pulled ahead our patient, and I pulled into a driveway, with my ambulance blocking the path of the fleeing patient. It was sure to make him give up, since he was caught between an ambulance and giant mob. I also started to get out of the cab, as if I was going to go Troy Polamalu on his ass. The fleeing patient juked me, easily ran around the ambulance, and continued running down the road.

This botched attempt to trap the patient caused us to laugh even more. This was beginning to look more and more like something you would see a couple of stoner EMT's doing on an in a stoner movie.

The mob caught up to the ambulance as we were having trouble backing up and re-grouping, since we were drunk with laughter. They confirmed that the lone leader was actually our fleeing patient. We were laughing harder than ever now, and we were even more determined to catch our fleeing patient, who obviously did not want to be medically apprehended. Nothing makes me want to treat a patient more than a patient who is this determined to NOT be treated (hard to get!).

A couple of blocks down the road, before we caught up to him again, our patient made a really good move. He took a hard left turn into a parking lot and vanished amongst a bunch of cars, stores and people. He must have seen a few episodes of Cops also, because that was a pretty good move. I wished the Fire Department had a helicopter to pursue fleeing patients, because at that point he had used his manueverability, being on foot, to lose us. I manuevered our cumbersome ambulance around the corner, we turned off our sirens to be more stealthy, and we stalkingly started heading in the direction we had last seen our patient fleeing. We were searching among the cars and stores to see if we saw any signs of movement. We figured he had lost us.

Then! out of the corner of my eye! I caught a glimpse of a man running into a Kentucky Fried Chicken! We scrambled to the KFC, our engine was winding out, and the tires were screeching. We noticed our patient trying to blend in with the crowd standing in line (another good move, but not good enough). We pulled into the parking lot, abruptly stopped (tires chirping again), and I ran into the KFC and confronted our patient. I wondered if I should tackle his ass and rough him up a bit, like they always do at the end of a chase. I wished I had a tazer.

Taking on the persona of a cop who had just apprehended his suspect, I asked, "Why are you running from us?" He said, "I'n not." We argued about whether or not he was running from us, and I pointed out that he had grass all over his hair & clothes and blood all over his mouth. I interrogated him as to why he had grass all over his clothes, and I accused him of having a seizure. He denied everything.

This is where the story takes a turn and becomes very UNdramatic. At some point I had to drop the cop persona and go back to being just an EMT, trying to help a patient, who was not under arrest. He eventually conceded, "Jes...I hed a seechure, but I'n fine now." I said, "Oh ok, so do you feel like you need an ambulance?" He said, "No, I done nee no amblinz." I asked, "Are you sure...do you want us to take your vitals or look at you?" He said, "No, I done wan notting; I'n fine." I asked him the AAOx3 questions, he responded appropriately, and so, we had no choice but to leave him alone.

We laughed about our hot pursuit of our super-non-compliant patient for the rest of night. Our job doesn't get any better than that. It made me wish more patients would run from us. If we could get more patients to run, we could start a TV show. Bad patients, bad patients, whatcha gonna do...?

This post was written for "The Handover, Blog Carnival." This month's theme was, "Funniest. Call. Ever." All the submissions for this month's edition, from various bloggers, can be found at: http://proems.blogspot.com/2009/09/handover-blog-carnival-funniest-call.html

Racial Inequalities Within Houston Metro...We Needs Us Some Affirmative Action...

noreply@blogger.com (Crusty) — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 19:36:00 +0000

http://www.politicafe.com/ reports that, within Harris County, TX, black people only account for 18% of the total population; however, within some publicly funded organizations, such as the Houston Metro, black people account for a much higher percentage of the total employees than 18%. Within the Houston Metro, black people account for 61% of the total employees and 80% of the total bus drivers.

http://politicafe.com/index.php?p=1728

These numbers are appauling! Something needs to be done NOW to correct these racial inequalities within the Houston Metro organization! It goes without saying that they need to institute a program of Affirmative Action for white people.

This happens to be the same city in which the Houston Fire Department was recently persecuted by black people for being racist (and sexist). However, as it turns out, HFD's racial/ethnic composition happens to be very similar to that of the Harris County population, and far more representative of the population than Houston Metro's racial/ethnic composition.

What now? Should white people march in the streets of downtown Houston and hold rallies on the front steps of city hall, like black people did a few weeks ago when HFD was being accused of being "racist?" Is it equally as wrong when white people are discriminated against, or is it only wrong when black people are the victims of racial discrimination?

White people, you obviously have some hell to raise in Houston! You need to make things equal! When you're done straightening out the Houston Metro, then you need to straighten out the NBA and the NFL. Good luck straightening out any pro-black, racist organization because nobody REALLY wants equality; they just want more equality than everyone else.

National Attention for 911 EMS System Abuse...

noreply@blogger.com (Crusty) — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 16:27:00 +0000

Finally, the theme of my blog, exposing 911 EMS abuse, is getting national attention...

http://money.cnn.com/2009/08/24/news/economy/healthcare_911_abuse/index.htm?postversion=2009082407

I'm so glad this issue is finally receiving national attention. However, my worry is that, when this issue receives enough exposure, a majority of the population will naturally want to do something to solve the problem. Uh-oh.

Then, some opportunist politician will emerge with a plan which will create a new, MORE socialist program for solving this problem, which will cost taxpayers even MORE money.

For example, the "nurse triage system," which will incentivize calling 911...people will say, "If you have any sort of medical problem, no matter how bad it is, you should call 911 first; they have nurses now, who will give you medical advice and let you know whether or not you have a real problem...always call 911 first." I imagine this new, 'you-get-to-talk-to-a-nurse-when-you-call-911' program will double the number of calls to 911. Due to liability, nurses can only turn away the most obviously stupid calls, so this will likely also double the number ambulance responses. Brilliant! Now, not only are you paying for nurses, you're also paying for a higher call volume. What other bells and whistles can they add to 911 to make it more appealing?

You solve the problem by privatizing the system. Private companies will tell people "no." And, if they don't, then at least it's their PRIVATE problem.

When did a human ever acquire the right to be taken care of, at someone else's forced expense? I'm perplexed.

Uh-Oh...How Do I Explain This One Away...

noreply@blogger.com (Crusty) — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 17:06:00 +0000

This one is a little more difficult to explain...slashing tires, bodily fluids in the food, promotions for sex, messing with somebody's SCBA? By the way, how does Jolanda Jones ("Jo-Jo") always find a way to 'Sheila-Jackson-Lee' her way into every camera shot pertaining to black or female issues? Is anyone else getting tired of this racist political opportunist?

It may be difficult to explain, but here it goes...
I don't condone people physically harming someone else or their property against their will, in fact, I'm vehemently opposed to it, and I believe in criminally prosecuting offenders to the fullest extent. However, first you have to prove it happened, and you have to prove a fireman did it. So, if you find yourself wondering if a fireman put urine (or other bodily fluids) in your food, or they slashed your tires, then you call the police for vandalism or assault, and you let the police investigate the complaint and prosecute any offenders.

This is also true for graffiti on personal belongings or graffiti on FD property. Graffiti on someone else's property is wrong, no matter what the reason is, and the perpetrator should be criminally prosecuted.

What's a Captain going to do when a female firefighter comes and complains that somebody at the station vandalized her car or put bodily fluids in her food? If I were a Captain, I would tell her that I would make a note of it, and now let's call the police to have them investigate. If it turns out that the police find out a fireman did those things, then that fireman should be criminally prosecuted and fired. To me, it isn't an issue of whether or not the crime was sexist or racist; it's an issue of whether or not it can be proven that some other fireman did it, for whatever reason. Who cares WHY someone committed a criminal act? The issue is whether or not the act WAS committed and WHO committed the act; and the way to find out is through a police investigation, not through a complaint with a station captain.

Good Ol' Boy Network
Rose Arenas claims they didn't help her because the FD is a "good ol' boy network." The FD officers didn't refuse to help her because it's "a good ol' boy network;" they didn't help her because, until she proves that someone actually did what she's saying they did, through a criminal investigation, then what the hell is a fire station captain supposed to do? There is nothing a station captain can do to help you, without indisputable evidence that your allegations are true.

Now, several years after the fact, how is anyone going to prove that these offenses actually occurred, and how is anyone going to prove that a fireman committed these offenses? Then, as if it matters, how is anyone going to prove that the motivation behind these offenses was sexist or racist?

Mentioning these offenses now, several years after the fact, only does exactly what you intended it do...it makes the general public believe there's a rampant problem with sexism in the FD, even though there's no way to prove these things actually occurred or that a fireman committed these acts.

I recently heard (from a primary source) that Rose Arenas keyed a fireman's red jeep, because she was mad that he pushed her into a burning warehouse, when she didn't want to go in with her crew. Again, this may or may not be true, but if it is true, it makes her quite the hypocrite, and it explains why some firemen may not have liked her, which had nothing to do with her gender. It had to do with her being a lazy piece of crap and being a bad firefighter.

Why Do Firemen Harass Eachother?
I don't believe anyone is harassed in the fire department, just because they are a female, or just because they are black. I believe EVERYONE is harassed in the FD for whatever reason a fireman can come up with, because firemen love to harass eachother. It's just that when you're black, or you're a woman, you can cry "racism" or "sexism," and you're protected from being harassed. People harass me because I look like a clown, but looking like a clown is not a legally protected physical characteristic, so I can't just cry "clownism" and make everyone stop (I wish I could use the clownism card).

Firemen harass other firemen because it's fun, it's a tool to establish social hierarchy, and it's a way for people to figure out if they can trust eachother. When firemen prove that they're committed to doing their job & pulling their own weight, in spite of any harassment; they prove that they can take a joke & and they prove they can associate with other firemen without being personally offended all the time; then other firemen are more than willing to accept them into their gaggle with trust and respect, regardless of their race or gender. Nobody cares what race or gender you are, just as long as you do your job, pull your weight, and get along with other people.

What I'm saying is, assuming firemen did put bodily fluids in her food, they slashed her tires, or they tampered with her SCBA; they didn't do it because she was a female. They did it for any one of a number of other reasons. Maybe she was a bitch, maybe she didn't pull her weight, maybe she didn't know how to do her job, or maybe she went around threatening to file sexism lawsuits on everyone for common, everyday teasing incidents. Whatever the reason was, I can almost guarantee the reason was not because she is a woman. I'm not saying I condone firemen's criminal acts; I'm just saying the reason they did it was not because of her sex.

Sex For Promotions
Most importantly, in one news report, Rose Arenas claims that someone offered her a promotion in exchange for sex. Most promotions in the FD are based on your score on a test, and there's no way someone can promote you if you perform sexual favors for them. However, there are some logistical/administrative positions, within the FD, where someone could be promoted for whatever reason the supervisor has to promote that person (sex?). But, who would want to have sex with that chick anyway?

Assuming someone in the FD DID offer her a promotion in exchange for sex, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM!? I'm getting really tired of hearing this complaint. If you're offered a promotion in exchange for sex, and you don't like the terms of the offer, then say "NO." If you say "no," then you're in the exact same position I'm in as a male; you have to work for the promotion and prove you deserve it because of your job performance.

I wish someone would offer ME a promotion in exchange for sex. I'm going to file a sexual discrimination lawsuit because someone HAS NOT offered me a promotion in exchange for sex, while someone else WAS offered that shortcut.

A supervisor may have a lot of different reasons for promoting someone. For example, a supervisor may be impressed with somebody's work performance, her attitude, her ability to get along with people; or a supervisor may just enjoy being around one person more than he enjoys being around someone else (maybe he prefers the way one person looks or acts). Whatever the reason may be, a supervisor is going to promote a person who best serves his needs. If you want to be promoted, then find out what the supervisor needs, and fulfill those needs.

It's in a supervisor's best interest to promote the best person for the job. If you want the promotion, then be the best person, and you'll be more likely to get the promotion. If you don't want to take a job, in exchange for sex, then say "no," and then become the best person for the job. Regardless of whether or not you'll have sex with your supervisor, you'll be more likely to get the job if you're the best person for the job.

More often than not, in today's world, women are actually more likely to use their sex appeal as an asset to climb the corporate ladder, rather than complain that men perceive them as sex objects. So, stop complaining about sexist treatment, and join the women who have learned how to use men's sexual weakness to their professional advantage. If you don't want to use your sex appeal as an asset, then be the best person for the job. I wish I could 'short-skirt' my way to the top of an organization.

Now What Am I to Believe?...Some Women in HFD Actually Think the FD Treats Women Equally Imagine that, women who do their jobs and get along with other people somehow don't feel like the FD is sexist.

HFD Racism & Sexism Rallies By Racists & Sexists

noreply@blogger.com (Crusty) — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 15:42:00 +0000

Update on the Rallies...
Respect Rally for women: Attendance was dismal. The media and organizers of the rally comprised approximately 75-80% of the total attendance at the rally. Of the non-media, non-organizer attendees, there were approximately 20 people in attendance and 80% were black. Deric Muhammed was there, along with several other black community activists. Wanda Adams, a Houston City Councilwoman, sponsored the rally (she actually seems like a really nice, level-headed woman). Jolanda Jones ("Jo-Jo"), the woman who recently called the HFD Union President a "House Negro," showed up late (that's how much she really cares), at around 12:33 p.m., and she went straight to the front, facing the crowd, so she would be noticed. There were about 8 black firefighters in attendance. Several women spoke, and Jane's attorney spoke on her behalf (she was not in attendance). A couple of women prayed to God that Sexism and Racism would end, and one woman even sang a song over some crappy outdoor speakers...it was awful. One woman passionately cried, while alleging that the world is out to get women and minorities. Another woman said that all she wants is equal treatment for women and minorities, then she expressed her support for discriminatory practices on behalf of women & minorities, such as Affirmative Action. One woman prayed to God that he would "stop racism, sexism, and people hating other people, just because they're different." I wanted to pray back at her, and ask God to help people understand that people don't generally hate other people just because they're different; they hate other people because they're a pain in the ass, or because they ask for special treatment, and they ask the government to legislate their requests for special treatment. I just sat back and spectated, and at one point, I was hit on by a dude, strung out on meth, who invited me to go to the library with him. For some reason, I just wasn't in the mood that day for some gay sex with a strange druggy in the library. Hopefully I didn't squander a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Flames of Racism Rally: I did not actually see the rally. It started at around 12 p.m., and by the time I arrived, at around 1:20 p.m., the flames of racism had already been self-extinguished (it was kind of hot outside...not a good day for a flaming outdoor rally). Reportedly, there were about 70-100 people in attendance, and they ended up finishing off the rally with a little mini-parade through the streets of downtown Houston. I have a feeling they did not persuade too many people to want to give equal but special treatment to the members of their particular group, distinguished by their shirts & signs, which declare their membership in a distinct group, characterized by their race. That really sounds like a sure-fire recipe for ending racial discrimination...asking for special consideration (a.k.a., discrimination) for a particular race. I went to the city council meeting which followed the rally, and apparently, the flames of racist anti-racism were not about to be re-kindled in the city council meeting. The meeting seemed uneventful, and my parking meter was about to run out, so I left.

I imagine some of the flames of racism were pre-extinguished by Captain Smith's public apology, which was issued yesterday and aired on all the major local news channels. Captain Smith spoke with representatives of the NAACP, and he explained that he was not aware that a noose was a symbol of racism, he did not intend to offend anyone, and his possession of the noose, which he has carried ever since fire school, was to remind him of the knots he learned in fire school. The NAACP accepted his apology and agreed that he probably did not realize he was offending people by possessing a piece of rope, tied in a certain knots, within his personal locker. The NAACP even recommended that the written reprimand, issued to Captain Smith by his supervisor, be removed from his personnel file, since his acts were not considered to be racist. Captain Otis Jordan responded by declaring that he did not accept Captain Smith's public apology. I imagine he did not want to accept the apology because it would have diminished the motivation of 'his people' to hold an angry, 'flames of racism' rally.

I'm not looking to oppress black people or women; I'm completely in favor of equality. I'm just tired of minorities getting their way and receiving discriminatory, special treatment, in their favor, through legislation. I hope people take a stand this time, and they don't give in, just because it's apparently not politically correct to tell black activists & feminists that they're wrong. It's time to take a stand and start telling these people that equality does not mean 'special treatment'...equal means equal. It's time we start judging people based on the content of their character, rather than the color of their skin (or their gender). Stop pointing out the color of your skin (or your gender) and asking people to give you special consideration, and maybe the rest of us can eventually start forgetting about the color of your skin (or your gender).

"It's Racism, Sexism, and all kind of Isms"

noreply@blogger.com (Crusty) — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 17:52:00 +0000

"It's Racism, Sexism, and all kind of Isms" --Perry Wooten, Harris County Constable, after being convicted of theft from Harris County, blaming his situation on 'isms.'

Wasn't Obama Supposed to Fix All This Racism Stuff?...
I'm not saying I work for the Houston Fire Department, but I happen to know that, lately, they've been having a lot of problems with Racism, Sexism, and all kinds of 'isms.' I'm sure HFD has had a lot of problems with 'isms' over the years, but recently, it seems like it's become a lot worse. When I say it's become a lot worse, I don't mean racism or sexism; I really just mean ALLEGATIONS of racism or sexism have become worse.

Wasn't all this stuff supposed to go away when Obama was elected President? Wasn't that supposed to make black people, and minorities in general, feel empowered and feel like the world isn't out to get them anymore? ...Because..., if Obama can become President, then obviously people aren't racist anymore, right? In fact, I know a lot of people (black and white) voted for Obama for very few other reasons, other than that he's black (although, somehow, that's not racism). White people voted for Obama, because in some ways, they were hoping, if a black man was elected, then it would prove that the majority of the U.S. is not racist anymore, and minorities no longer have a reason to blame their problems on 'isms.'

The Noose in the Locker Incident...The Incident That Started Everything...
Recently (2/13/09), a white Captain of HFD was discovered to be in possession of a noose, hanging on the inside of his locker door. It was determined by HFD that the possession of a piece of rope, tied in the formation of noose, was racially offensive to black people.

I don't know how a noose ever became a symbol of racism. I've tied a lot of nooses, and I've never once thought about hanging a black person when I tied a noose. I've also spoken with several other white people, and none of them apparently knew they were being racist when they tied a noose. Apparently, black people are offended by nooses because nooses were used to hang black people in "lynchings." I would bet that a lot more white people have been hung by a noose than black people. If anything, white people ought to be more offended by nooses.

Anyway, HFD decided that the possession of a noose is a racist statement, regardless of a person's intentions, and the Captain was reprimanded by his supervisor. His supervisor wrote a note in his personnel file (Form 42) and told him to remove the noose from his locker. Done deal, right? ...WRONG!

City Council Circus
Several months later, several black activists showed up to the Houston City Council to protest the fact that the "racist" Captain was not fired for being in possession of a noose. They complained about racism within HFD, and they demanded that the City fire the Captain, his supervisor, the Fire Chief, and the Assistant Fire Chief, because the Captain had a piece of rope, tied in a racist manner, and his supervisors failed to fire him. At one point, a member of the BLACK FIRE FIGHTERS UNION, and the president of the Houston Black FireFighters Association, Captain Otis Jordan, was in possession of noose, and he was waving it in the air toward a group of black people in the audience. How is that not racism? I guess black people can't be racist, even when they are waving a noose at a bunch of black people?

One of the most educational aspects of the City Council meeting was when a fine, upstanding, highly educated, black citizen of Houston also declared the word "picnic" to be a racist word, stating that the word was derive from the two words "pick" and "nigger;" and she said that a "picnic" was originally an occasion in which white people gathered to "pick a nigger and lynch him." Snopes.com disagrees with this assertion.

I've heard there will be a City Council meeting, open to the public, on July 28th, at 2 p.m., wherein they will discuss whether this Captain should be fired, and what should be done in the FD to prevent future displays of racist knots. There will also be a "Flames of Racism" rally on the front steps of City Council at 12:00 p.m., by the Houston Black Firefighters Association (a.k.a., the Houston Black Power, Anti-white, Racist FF's), where they will hoot and holler about 'how to put out the flames of racism' in the fire department. I suggest an anti-racism, counter-protest. I'll be there, and I suggest everyone be there that can make it. I'd bet some of the black firefighters will be in possession of nooses, or have pictures of nooses on their shirts, if you want to bring a camera to record their possession of racist symbols.

Zero Tolerance Policy...Let's Fire Some White People For Arbitrary Reasons!
City Council wants to institute a "Zero Tolerance Policy" on racism, in which, if someone decides to be offended by something (anything), then the offender will get fired. One city council woman, Jolanda Jones, stated, "I can't believe they have a Zero Tolerance Policy on smoking a BLUNT, but they don't have a Zero Tolerance Policy on racism" (she repeated this statement approximately 5 times). Jo-Jo also began crying when one of the other city council members stated that she was 'not aware of a noose being a symbol of racism, and she reasoned that it's possible that some people don't know that black people are offended by nooses.' Jo-Jo wildly and tearfully ranted about 'how could anyone live in Texas and not know that nooses are racist symbols?'

Since the racist rope configuration was found, HFD has issued an Order to its employees to not be racist anymore. The FD told its employees that if you don't know if a word or symbol is offensive, you should go to the Assistant Chief and ask him if it is considered to be offensive. White male members of HFD might as well just bring a Webster's dictionary and every object in the world to the Assistant Chief and ask him to clarify which items are racist, ...especially if there is going to be a "Zero Tolerance Policy" on racism, in which racism is defined by anyone who feels like he is offended by anything.

I guess they're going to have to make a list of all the words and objects that are considered to be offensive, so that everyone will know what they are. Then, if they're going to make a list of things white males can't say or do, I figure white people should come up with a list of all the things that offend them also. We can't have white people being the only people in jeopardy of losing their jobs for being racist. I suggest white people should decide to be offended by a "granny knot," since it's called a granny knot because dumb, white grannies didn't know any better than to tie a granny knot. Then, if we ever see someone with a "granny knot," they will be fired.

Diversity Training To The Rescue...Are There Differences or Aren't There Differences?
In addition to issuing an Order to not be racist anymore, HFD created a course in diversity, and required all of its members to take the course. The course explained that we should not discriminate or prejudge, because nobody is different; however, the course further explained that people are different from each other because of their race, culture, or ethnicity. Then the course explained some of the differences in people's race, culture, and ethnicity. One time, HFD even approved a 'diversity awareness' book for a Captain's test which explained that black people who limp and swing their arms when they walk, don't have a problem; they're just showing their pride with the way they walk. The book also explained that 'ebonics' is a perfectly acceptable, alternative way of speaking English.

I'm confused! Are groups of people different from each other or aren't they different? If I'm being told that one group of people, differentiated by certain traits, are different from another group of people, then shouldn't I be able to prefer one group of people over another (discriminate or prejudge)? If black people are going to say "Our culture," or "Our people," or "My brothers/sisters," or "Our Community," or just say "We" or "Us;" then shouldn't white people also be able to recognize that there are different cultures, characterized by certain attitudes, customs, forms of dressing, or forms of speaking; and shouldn't white people be able to point out the differences between the cultures and express which differences they prefer or don't prefer? Black people can support businesses of "their people," or "hire one of their own," or prefer to socialize with a fellow "brother/sister;" but white people can't have similar preferences?

If there are differences, then some of the differences are going to be good, and some of them are going to be bad, based on the relative perspective of each individual, right? However, if you're a white person, don't let anyone catch you saying anything bad about "You people" or "those people." Black people can say "We" and "Us," but white people can't say "You" or "Them." You can say positive things about black people, like "they sure are athletic," or "they sure dance well," or "those black comedians sure are funny, especially when they make fun of white people," or "I'm sure glad a black man is the president;" but don't be caught saying "black people annoy me, because of blank," or "I wish we didn't have a black man as a president," or "Black people aren't very good at taking multiple choice tests, because they generally aren't as educated" (even though that assertion originated from a group of black people, complaining about multiple choice tests being racist). Chris Rock is not a racist when he points out all the positive and negative differences between black people and white people, but if Cosmo Cramer says something about black people, he's a racist.

Other 'Ism' Incidents in HFD...

The Unintentional Racist Radio Broadcast Incident...
When the racist rope was found in a Captains locker, the local news ran stories about the incident and interviewed black people in the community. One black person stated he 'couldn't trust a red-neck with a noose in his locker to provide good service to his people.' A few weeks after this incident occurred, a couple of (allegedly white) firefighters (allegedly from Station 9) were talking about the incident and the reaction of the City of Houston, and they accidentally had their microphone keyed on their radio. Their conversation was broadcasted across the entire city, over fire department radios.

In their conversation, they expressed that they were upset that black people can call white people "red-necks," without repercussion, and they said they should jump on the 'ultra-sensitive bandwagon' and be offended that black people called the Captain a "red-neck." They also mentioned that black people can create a "United Negro College Fund" & "Black Caucus;" but if white people were to create a "White College Fund" or a "White Caucus," then people would "have a stroke," and accuse them of being racist.

These firefighters were actually decrying racism. They were explaining that they don't like the fact that when black people are racist, they get away with it. They were explaining that it wasn't fair that white people are persecuted for racism, but black people are almost encouraged to be racist.

Anyway, the local news channels got a hold of the radio broadcast tapes, and they played them on the news. Once again, the news channels gathered black people's reactions to their conversation. The black community was very upset, they accused the firefighters of being racist, and the Fire Chief was grilled for allowing racism in his fire department, once again. Black people wondered how these racists could be relied upon to give quality service to other black people in the City of Houston.

The not-so-funny thing is, these firefighters were anything but racist; they were actually speaking out against racism. They were speaking out against racism by black people on white people. It's odd that when white people accuse black people of being racist, the white people are labeled racists, and their ability to provide quality service is called into question; however, if a black person calls a white person a racist, he is considered to be a heroic 'whistle-blower.'

As it turns out, the Fire Chief promised to investigate who the perpetrators were of such a (anti) racist conversation, and he promised to punish them for saying such (anti) racist things.

The Women's Restroom Graffiti Incident...
Somebody wrote some graffiti on the wall of the women's restroom at Station 54, an airport rescue station. It is rumored that the graffiti said something about "die," "bitches," and "nigger-lover." In addition, someone defiled a photo of Jane Draycott and her daughter, who was killed in a car accident in 2006, writing "die" on Jane's face and "dead" on her daughter's face. HFD promised to investigate the incident, and they even promised to bring in the U.S. Justice Department to investigate the incident. Recently, an article was written in the Chronicle, which explains why members of the fire station would be upset with Ms. Draycott. The bottom line is, she wanted exclusive access to a room and a restroom, even when she wasn't at work. These rooms were previously being utilized people on other shifts for various reasons, and she was asking them to change their habits, since she was a female, even when she wasn't present. The reason she wanted exclusive access is because she didn't like other people making messes in these rooms, so she used the fact that she's a female to limit other people's access to these rooms. When they resisted, she labeled their resistance "sexism." Eventually they became irritated that she was using the "sexism card" to get her way. Then they became generally irritated with the presence of a female at their station, requiring special treatment, and potentially use the "sexism card" to get people in trouble.

This kind of parallels the feelings white people have when black people start using the "racism card" to get their way. It's not that they don't like black people; they just don't want to have to start acting differently when a black person is around, for fear of getting in trouble.

Many firefighters believe Jane Draycott wrote the graffiti herself. There are rumors that Jane normally shows up to the fire station at around 6:05-6:10, without any make-up, and without her hair done. On this morning, she showed up at around 5:30 with her make-up and hair done, as if she was preparing for something out of the ordinary. At approximately 7:00, the graffiti was found, the station captain was notified, and somehow the news channels were also notified. There are also rumors that she rolled a pumper, burned her house down, was the mistress of a chief that ended up getting a divorce and killing himself, and she's always trying to get people in trouble with allegations of 'sexism.'

There is supposed to be a "Respect Rally" for the women of Station 54 on the steps of Houston City Council on July 22, 2009, at 12:05 p.m. I guess they're going to get together and get all emotional about the rights of women to force people to go out of their way to accomodate them, and treat them differently in the workplace, or something. I mean, do they want equal treatment, or do they want SPECIAL treatment, because nobody else gets his own room and bathroom?

The Intentional Radio Broadcast Incident...
Apparently, on around 7/8/09, somebody broadcasted a bunch of racial slurs on a fire department radio. It was either a member of HFD, someone who stole a FD radio, or somebody figured out how to broadcast messages on a fire department radio frequency. The Fire Chief believes someone purchased a radio transmitter from Radio Shack, which is reportedly very easy to do, and they broadcasted racial slurs from their homemade radio. They know this because each radio transmission is stamped with a source code, and this particular radio broadcast came from an unknown source. The president of the Black Caucus stated that he thought this was not impossible, he demanded HFD find out which racist member of HFD broadcasted those racist slurs, and he demanded the racist be fired.

The Racist Cadets and Their Racist Rope Configurations
I never saw this story on the news, but I've heard that a cadet of the HFD academy was fired for being in possession of a noose (after the Captain with the Noose Incident). The cadet reportedly argued his case, and he was given another chance to go to the HFD Academy, but he had to go to a later class, and he lost all the time he had spent in his former HFD Academy class. The black cadet who reported the white cadet was in possession of a noose, later reported that two other cadets were in possession of nooses. The HFD Academy Administrators decided they should investigate the incident and see the nooses for themselves, before they fired someone again. They asked the black cadet to show them where the nooses were. When they found the "nooses," they found out they were not actually nooses; they were in fact Bowline knots, which are knots that each cadet is required to know. Bowline knots resemble nooses in appearance, but not in function.

How to Avoid Letting a Piece of Rope Get You Fired
If you are messing around with a piece of rope, do not allow it to end up in any of these configurations. Do not even tie your rope in any these racist knots if you need the knot for boating, fishing, or hunting; you will lose your job. Or, I guess if you really need the knot for something, check to make sure there are no black people around, tie it really quickly, use it, and then quickly untie the knot, before anyone sees it. Here's how NOT to tie a noose:

However, you may allow your rope to be tied in this configuration; but I would recommend if you do tie this knot, make sure you clearly label the knot a "bowline knot, not a noose," or you may be fired anyway, by people who don't know the difference.

Somehow Good Ol' Fashioned Fun Is Somehow Tied into Racism
A rookie at Station 67 was talked into getting into a rotating office chair, equipped with two air bottles, also known as a "Rookie Rocket." They turned on the air bottles, and the rookie spun like a beautiful ballerina. Nobody was hurt, and everybody got a bit of a chuckle out of it. They posted the video on YouTube, and the local news got a hold of the video. The media once again interviewed the President of the Black Caucus, and he somehow made the absurd connection between people having fun at the fire station and racism. How does a "Rookie Rocket" have anything to do with racism?

HFD Apparently Has a Problem With Racism, Sexism, and All Kind of 'Isms'
Is HFD racist, or are people being too sensitive? I don't know. What I do know is that people, in general, don't want to be racist. People have a natural desire to serve their own best interests. If it's beneficial for a person to associate with another person, then the person won't worry about skin color, sex, age, etc. People are generally trying to forget about the differences between them and other people. The problem is, they are constantly reminded of the differences by the very people who claim to be ending racism, sexism, and all other 'isms.'

My opinion is... if we want people to stop discriminating against other people, then let's stop pointing out the differences. If there are no differences between us, then let's stop saying "we," "us," and "our people;" and let's stop having "Diversity Training," in which we learn how black people are different from white people. If there ARE differences between us, then stop choosing to be offended when other people recognize the differences.

The truth is, choosing to be offended is choosing to allow someone else to control your emotions. The fact that many black people are offended by the word "nigger" actually gives white people the power to control their emotions. A white person knows he can ruin a black person's day by just saying one little word. Why would you want to give that control to other people? It's like giving someone a 'ruin your day' button. Are you looking for ways to be offended, or are you looking for ways to not be offended? Do you actually WANT to be offended? If not, then stop looking for it.

If anything, the biggest reason people discriminate today is for the sole purpose of trying to avoid being put in a situation where they may have to defend allegations of some sort of 'ism.' People don't want to be around someone who might accuse them of 'isms,' and get them in trouble. Stop accusing people of being racist and sexist, stop asking for special treatment, and maybe people will start wanting to be around you; and most of all, they'll stop thinking of you as being different. Nothing creates a hostile work environment more than accusations of 'isms.'

If you think you're different, then don't be offended when other people agree with you. If you don't want to be different, then make an attempt to blend in, and stop giving people reasons to believe you're different.

In general, people aren't afraid of snakes with rattles on their tales for no reason. People discriminate for a reason. It's a good human trait to develop. Discrimination is what keeps people from wanting to pet wild bears, and it's what attracts them to cute puppies. It's also what helps people avoid associations with people that may cause them harm. How did the ability to discriminate ever become a deplorable human trait? If you don't want people to discriminate against you, then stop giving them reasons to discriminate. If you want to be different, then realize that other people are justified in discriminating against you.

I Think We Really Saved the World This Time...

noreply@blogger.com (Crusty) — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 01:37:00 +0000

Super-Magic, Paramedical Healification Machinery
6:24 We responded to the home of a 32 y/o HF CO breathing too much and feeling light-headed. The paramedics showed up and ran a 12-lead on her, and then they told her that nothing appeared to be wrong with her. After they told her the machine said nothing was wrong, she stopped hyperventilating, she stated she felt fine, and she decided she didn't need an ambulance anymore. I guarantee she'll call us the next time it happens so we can fix her again with our machines.

Kashi Cereal Attack
10:41 We responded to the home of a 40 y/o AF because she was reported as having blood gushing from her nose as she was arguing with her boyfriend on the front lawn. The neighbors thought they would do the nicest thing a neighbor can do for another neighbor and call an ambulance for her. When we arrived, the boyfriend was gone, and she told us she didn't want an ambulance. We noticed there was a book on the table called, "Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them." We asked her what was going on. She explained they were arguing and SHE chucked a box of Kashi cereal at HIM. After that, the boyfriend stormed out of the house while she pursued him, yelling at him. She says the boyfriend never hit her, and she didn't have any marks or blood that would indicate he did hit her. When the boyfriend walked away, after being a victim of a Kashi cereal attack, the neighbor who called 911 gave chase to the fleeing victim, eventually apprehending him and bringing him to justice. When the neighbor brought the boyfriend back in a car, the boyfriend was talking to his anger counselor on the phone. Apparently the neighbor got a little too excited over the situation since, as it turns out, nothing really happened.

Diabetes & The Holy Ghost Apparently Have Very Similar Symptoms
11:18 We responded to a Baptist church near downtown for a 42 y/o BM CO low blood sugar. He took his insulin, just before going to church, didn't eat, and proceeded to very actively praise Jesus for a couple of hours. Eventually he fell out, and after a while of lying on the ground, unconscious, his fellow worshippers realized he wasn't just having a Holy Ghost attack. After we gave him some D50 (sugar), the Holy Ghost left him, and he became coherent. We asked him if he had food at the house, and he said he did, but he didn't like any of the food he had. Since he didn't like the food he had at the house, one of the church members went and bought him a turkey & ham sandwich, on wheat, with lettuce, tomatoes, and swiss cheese. She also gave him some chicken noodle soup and 4 packs of Zesta crackers. Mmmm...Mm. Apparently the Holy Ghost is powerless against D50 and turkey & ham on wheat.

We Saved A Man From Being Put Out of His Misery
12:01 We were called to a nursing for a 75 y/o BM receiving CPR. The nurses found him dead for unknown reasons, and he was dead for an unknown period of time. When we asked what medical conditions he had, the nursing home didn't know. Why should they know what medical conditions their patient has, right? Knowing the patient's medical conditions doesn't make the government check any bigger. We took over CPR, and surprisingly, we got pulses back on the guy. Now he can be in a permanent vegatative state in the nursing home that doesn't care enough about him to find out his medical conditions. The dude may have been better off if he had just died.

What? An Ambulance Can't Detect Internal Hematomas?
14:07 We responded to the high-rise condominium unit of a 64 y/o WF CO a snow globe breaking on her head. She did not have any cuts or contusions; she didn't even have much pain. She just worried that it might have caused an internal hematoma. We told her we had no way of knowing if she had an internal hematoma, but we could take her to the hospital, and they could find out. She said, "well aren't you paramedics?" We said, "yes, we are, but that doesn't certify us to know if you have an internal hematoma." Eventually she realized we were worthless, and she decided she didn't need us. Education is so annoying, isn't it?

Do-Gooders, Attempting to Ruin a 2 Y/O's Life
17:59 We responded to the parking lot of a car wash for a 2 1/2 y/o HF CO a bleeding and swollen top lip. Bystanders stated the driver of the car (the father of the little girl) pulled into the parking lot, and turned around and beat the girl. The bystanders called us and the police, and they detained the family. The bystanders were super emotional when we arrived. One guy even told us he was about to kick the guy's ass, but he thought he shouldn't since the little girl was there (how many times have you heard a guy say, "I'd kick his ass, BUT..."?). The family denied the father beat the girl. They say they stopped suddenly and she hit her lip on the seat. They say they pulled over and frantically pulled her out of the seat because they were worried. They say the little girl resisted because she was hurt and scared. The bystanders misinterpreted that as being abuse.

As we were leaving for the hospital, with the little girl and her mother in the ambulance, one of the bull-dyke bystanders opened the door to the ambulance and emotionally pleaded for the woman to tell the "truth" to the police. She said, "Please tell them the truth and press charges...just trust the police and social workers...tell them the truth...they'll help you...it will be OK."

That made me wonder, how does that bull-dyke know it will be OK? Suppose the man did hit his daughter on the lip; would it be better for the little girl if her father was locked up in prison for the next 5 years, raped by other inmates and given HIV, while the family struggles to put food on the table without the father working for a living? Or would it be better for the little girl if they sent her to a foster home, where the foster parents don't give a shit about her...they only care about the gubment check they get every month for being foster parents? The foster parents will likely sexually or physically abuse her even more than the father did. How is that better than taking an occasional punishment from your father? Since when is it the job of the rest of the world to tell people how to punish their kids? And since when is not having a father, or being lost in our socialist foster care system, better than occasionally being punished by a father?

Dislocated Shoulder
21:08 We responded to the home of a 32 y/o WF who slipped and fell on the stairs. She hurt her shoulder and her right flank. She had extensive bruising and a possibly dislocated shoulder. We took her to the hospital in the ambulance, since she was in a little bit of pain. The ambulance makes pain completely disappear, in case you didn't know...

Doctors Doing What Doctors Do Best...Calling Less Qualified EMT's
00:00 We responded to the super nice home of a 72 y/o AM CO altered mental status. The family of the patient said his mental status has been deteriorating over the past 1 1/2 hours. Everyone in the house was a doctor, so they did they best thing they could do for the guy...they called a couple of far-less-qualified, EMT-Basics to take care of him. The patient walked to the ambulance, and we took him to the hospital for a possible stroke. The family followed behind us in their car, after they told us which hospital to go to (which was not the closest stroke facility).

Blue Pill Neutralizers To The Rescue
6:23 We responded to the home of a 24 y/o WM CO feeling like his throat was closing up from the "blue pills" he took recreationally 4 hours prior to calling 911. He said he was at a party and he wasn't feeling good, so he walked 4 miles to his house, so he could call 911. The house party was only a couple of miles from the closest hospital. We mitigated his highly emergent condition by driving him to the hospital in our giant, gubment-funded, magic, blue-pill neutralizing machine (the ambulance).

Deep Throat?...Sometime Around 2001-2002

noreply@blogger.com (Crusty) — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 23:31:00 +0000

So I was minding my own business, happily serving the citizens of my city by providing emergency medical services, as usual, and I was called to a sick person.

I arrived to find a 60+ y/o WM complaining of complications caused by his chronic illnesses. He had Hepatitis-C, and he had lost quite a bit of weight in the previous few weeks. He was dehydrated, and he thought he was about to die. To me, he also appeared to be on death's door. He weighed about 120 pounds, and he had trouble standing up by himself. He wanted to go to the VA Hospital, so I happily obliged. I probably even said something like, "Anything you'd like sir...at your service," because that's the type of civil servant I am.

When he and I were alone in the back of the ambulance, on the way to the hospital, he told me I was a really nice guy, and he told me that he thought he was probably going to die soon. I didn't disagree. Then he said, "I want to tell you something...Have you ever heard of Deep Throat?" I said, "Yeah...from the Watergate thing (as opposed to the porno)?" Then he replied, in a very deep voice, "Well, you're looking at him."

He didn't appear to be the typical crazy, drunk, delusional, Vietnam Vet; everything he had said, up until then, seemed perfectly coherent and reasonable. He was looking at me like he was dead serious, while I was smiling, waiting for the joke. All in all, I had trouble doubting what he said.

I was kind of flustered and slightly incredulous, and I responded, "(duh) Really, how many people know about this?" He said, "Including you, three." I said, "Woodard, Bernstein, and me?" He said, "Yep."

I proceeded to ask him a bunch of questions about his role in the government at the time, his history in the military, and the government agency for which he worked. At no point did he seem like a schizophrenic, drunk lunatic, with delusions of grandeur. I hear a lot of B.S. from our patients, but this guy did not seem like he was B.S.ing me. He told me detailed stories of being in the military and working in government agencies. I told him I was once interested in joining FBI or CIA, and he emphatically encouraged me not to do it, warning me that it would completely ruin my relationships with my wife and family.

I said goodbye to him at the hospital, and I thought about it all day. I tried to think of reasons why he would be lying to me or why he might have been a crazed lunatic, but the more I thought about it, the more I became convinced that he wasn't lying. Several months later, I thought about it again, and I attempted to look on the internet to see if anyone had researched the real identity of Deep Throat. I found quite a bit of information about Deep Throat, along with several lists of possible candidates. A guy named John Dean and several other college professors had apparently dedicated their lives to finding out who Deep Throat was. I almost felt bad that these dudes had dedicated their entire lives to figuring who Deep Throat was, and all I had to do was give him a ride in the ambulance and act nice to him.

Later, in 2005, it was revealed that William Mark Felt, Sr. was "Deep Throat." The funny thing was that William Mark Felt, Sr. was not the guy I transported to the hospital that day. However, it was interesting that, when it was revealed that Mr. Felt was Deep Throat, Mr. Felt had no memory of being Deep Throat. Apparently he had Alzheimer's Disease, and he couldn't remember much of anything, but since everyone was telling him that he was Deep Throat, he believed it and went along with it.

So...who is the real Deep Throat, and why would people want us to believe that it was William Mark Felt, Sr., when it really wasn't? Or...why was this seemingly normal & sane dude just lying to me about being Deep Throat? The world may never know. I wish I had the resources to find the guy I transported and ask him about all this stuff, but he's probably dead anyway.

A Few Deaths, A Possible Hobo-MI, And a Bunch of B.S.

noreply@blogger.com (Crusty) — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 21:17:00 +0000

Only WE Are Capable of Professionally Asking, "Are you OK?"
8:10 We were called to a motor vehicle incident by a bystander. When we showed up, we asked if everyone was OK. The bystander said, "I think everyone is OK, but I wanted you guys to go check out that little boy over there...I don't think he has any injuries, but I just wanted you guys to check him out." I said, "Well, sir, I'll go over there and ask him if he's OK, then I'll ask his if he's OK, but that's all I can really do without an X-ray machine." It turns out, the boy said he did not have any injuries, and his mom said he was OK. ...I'm glad I could professionally do what no citizen is quite as capable as I am of doing...ask someone if they are injured and if they need an ambulance.

Imagine How Many Ambulances We Would Need If Everyone Called For Every Migraine Headache...
12:43 We were called to a 28 y/o HF complaining of migraine headaches. She was driving to go pick up her child from school, and when she arrived at the school, she couldn't take it anymore, and someone called 911 for her. She has an extensive history of migraine headaches, and her head was hurting since early that morning, with no change in pain. We drove her to the hospital where the doctors confirmed that did in fact have migraines, and she needs to take her medicine. If we transported every person that ever got a migraine headache, we would do nothing more than transport migraine headache victims.

Hobo With a Possible MI
14:40 We were called to the parking lot of a liquor store for a 62 y/o WM hobo, who was complaining of chest pain. We transported him to the hospital for a possible MI. We gave him aspirin and started an IV of Sodium Chloride. We pretty well saved his glorious life.

Do You REALLY Want Socialized Health Care for Everyone?
16:04 We were called to the home of a 35 y/o HF who was complaining of abdominal pain for the past 3 days. She went to the county hospital the day prior to calling us, but she left the socialized health care hospital after waiting for 8 hours with no help. She called us 15 1/2 hours after leaving the hospital, because she couldn't take the pain anymore. We gladly returned her to the socialized health care hospital, where they asked us to put her in the waiting room, along with the other 100+ people waiting for socialized health care.

Guy Does Nothing to Help Himself and Somehow Still Feels Sick
19:24 A 55 y/o HM called us because he was feeling kind of sick. He just left the hospital yesterday, where he was told that he has a pancreas infection, kidney failure, and he needs dialysis. He called us because, one day later, after doing nothing to fix his infection or need for dialysis. He said he still feels sick, so he needs to go back to the hospital.

Did Not Consult a Physician Before Running on a Treadmill
21:01 We were called to the apartment of a 24 y/o WF (she was actually kind of hot), who was complaining of breathing problems. She starting working out tonight, for the first time in a long time, and she couldn't catch her breath. When she couldn't catch her breath, she started to panic, and when she started to panic, she couldn't catch her breath even more. She was hyperventilating. After talking to her for a while, her breathing slowed down, she felt fine, and she decided she didn't need an ambulance. She obviously did not follow the instructions on the sticker on the side of the treadmill, which clearly stated, "Please consult a physician before running on this treadmill."

Just Another Car Accident...2 Dead, 1 Alive, 1 Unknown...
00:29 We were called to just another motor vehicle incident... ... ... ... Not. When we arrived, one guy had already been transported to the hospital with a severed spinal cord (later I heard that he didn't make it), and another dude was covered with a sheet, pronounced dead on the scene. Both dudes were thrown from their Cadillac when it started rolling, when they didn't make a corner at 100+ MPH on a 3-lane street. Our patient was a 21 y/o HF, who was still trapped in the mangled Cadillac. She was not wearing her seatbelt, but somehow she stayed inside the car. The rescue crew spent about 30 minutes to tear apart the car in order to get her out. Surprisingly, she appeared to have very minor injuries, she was conscious but intoxicated, and it looks like she was going to make it. The scary part of this whole incident was when we found an empty car seat in the back seat of the Cadillac. We asked the girl if she has a baby; she said yes. We asked her if the baby was in the car with her, and she said yes. We looked everywhere for a baby, but we didn't find anything. We tried our best to find out, but we still have no idea if there was a baby in the car. We're hoping that the girl was intoxicated, and she was confused about the baby being in the car.

Breathing Problem, 4 Blocks From the Hospital
3:56 We were called to a (closed) convenience store for a 52 y/o WM hobo, who calls us extremely often from this same location...it's the closest pay phone to his homeless hideout. This pay phone is precisely 4 blocks from the nearest hospital. If he would have started walking to the hospital right when he called us, he would have arrived at the hospital before we could have arrived at the convenience store. He complained of having breathing problems. He had just left the hospital a few hours prior for the same problem. He was not wheezing, and he had 100% oxygen saturation. I'm assuming he called us because it was very cold out. We took him to the hospital, just like we always do.

Very Successful Suicide Attempt...With the Help of an Online Tutorial
5:59 This call came in as a "Shooting...Bystander CPR in Progress." We arrived to find a 28 y/o WM laying in his bed, covered in blood and brains, and his mother was giving him chest compressions. She was also covered in blood & brains. The chest compressions had no chance of helping him, because he had done a REALLY good job of shooting himself in the head. She was really just pumping the blood & brains out of the hole in his head with every compression.

The mother said she heard two simultaneous shots while she was sleeping, and she ran to his room and found him dead (yes, two shots...I don't know how, but there were two shells on the floor....I'm guessing the second shot was due to a finger-reflex, as he was dying).

One of the most interesting aspects of this suicide was that the guy shot himself while following internet instructions on how to shoot yourself in the head. His laptop was in his bed, opened to the internet site. Apparently he was following the internet instructions like someone would follow internet instruction on 'how to fix your dishwasher.' The internet website is http://community.livejournal.com/prodeath/29306.html, in case you sick freaks want to take a look. Below, I've posted some of the pictures from the website, but the website also has a bunch of other pictures of people who were unsuccessful at shooting themselves, in addition to some instructional text. It's worth taking a look, especially if you're looking for an instructional tutorial.

The guy's mother asked a firefighter to assist her in calling some friends and family. One of those people was the guy's fiancee, who was at the guy's house the night before, playing Scrabble (I forgot to ask who won...I'm guessing the suicidal guy didn't win). The firefighter called the fiancee and told her that something was wrong, and that she needed to come over to the house. She said she would be there in 5 minutes.

My partner and I had put away some equipment and finish writing our report, so we went out to the ambulance. We were both sitting in the front seat, talking about what we just saw, and I mentioned that I wanted to go back in the house when the girlfriend arrived. Surprisingly, he said that he also wanted to be there when she arrived. I asked him why HE wanted to be there when the fiancee arrived, and he said it was because he wanted to see if she was good-looking, since she was now a single female. I laughed, and then I revealed that I wanted to be there when she arrived because I wanted to see how she would react. He was appauled by my reason and called me a "sick, morbid bastard." I found that amusing, considering his reasons.

The end result was that, while we were discussing our equally sick reasons for wanting to see the fiancee arrive at the house, the fiancee snuck by us, and we missed her. Later we found out that she started crying hysterically, and she wanted to see the body, but the police wouldn't let her.

Here are the instructional pictures from the website...

Damn Those Freeloading Illegal Aliens...And All Freeloaders, For That Matter

noreply@blogger.com (Crusty) — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 19:51:00 +0000

Being the holiday season, I want to discuss Freeloading Illegal Aliens...

The most frustrating part of my job is not necessarily that I missed the end of "My Name Is Earl," because I had to respond to a B.S. call, by a drive-by, cell-phone-hero; nor is it that I had to get out of bed at 4:30 AM to drive a 70 y/o WF, from an assisted-living home, to the hospital for the Flu, because she didn't want to bother her son (which happened last night). I'm not frustrated because I have to work a little while I'm at work.

The most frustrating part of my job is having to facilitate the blatant abuse of the gubment-funded 911 emergency services, and seeing, on a run by run basis, what a complete waste of (involuntarily paid) taxpayer money the ambulance is.

Ambulance abusing freeloaders come in all shapes and sizes, but a universally-despised, favorite flavor of ambulance abuser is the illegal alien.

It's very common to hear other EMS workers, hospital staff, firefighters, police officers, and bystanders say things like, "Damn illegal aliens...They shouldn't even be here," or "Why should we help them...they don't have insurance...they're not even citizens," or "Why should the rest of us have to pay for these damn illegal aliens?"

For example...

We got a call at around 10 PM to a nearby hospital for an ObGyn problem (I can't describe how much I love malfunctioning vagina problems). Our computer specified the room of the hospital in which we could find our esteemed client. It was the Labor and Delivery department! We wondered, 'what are a couple of ill-equipped, under-trained, ignorant EMT's going to do for a malfunctioning vagina, that an L&D department can't do?' I mean, whenever we encounter a malfunctioning vagina, that's where we take them...to the L&D department of a hospital!

We arrived to find a 22 y/o hispanic female, laying on a bed, in the L&D department, wearing a hospital gown, and fully adorned in electronic medical monitoring equipment. She was 9 months pregnant, and she was well into labor. Her husband told us he wanted us to take her to a different hospital. They were unhappy with the free hospital care they were receiving at this hospital.

The patient had a C-section for her first child, and the hospital wanted to do a C-section again (it's the hospital's policy). The woman did not want another C-section, but the woman didn't bother researching the hospital's policy before they showed up at the hospital to receive their free medical care.

One of the nurses pulled me aside and explained the situation to me. She said, "These people are a pain in my ass. They want to have a vaginal birth, but she's had a C-section before, so we have to do a C-section for this birth." (here comes the most interesting part of what the nurse told me) "The thing is...these people don't even have any insurance, and they're not even U.S. citizens! They're illegal aliens, and they shouldn't even be here in the U.S.! Just please, get them out of here and take them to the free county hospital or something!"
As it turns out, we did not take her to a different hospital. Our policy states that we can't remove patients from a facility, which is capable of handling their emergency. She was already in a facility which was capable of handling her emergency.

But, my point is...(and this is going to surprise some of you Socialists)...

What does citizenship status have to do with freeloading...who cares if a person is an illegal alien? How is one freeloader any better than another freeloader? Why is the general public willing to pay for non-taxpaying freeloaders born here in the United States, but somehow they have a problem with non-taxpaying freeloaders born in other countries? Why isn't the general public equally resistant to pay for ALL freeloaders? What the hell is the difference? Why does the general public seem to have bleeding-heart compassion for LEGAL losers in need of assistance, but somehow they have no compassion for ILLEGAL losers who need help? People are people, aren't they? If you think we should be pay for freeloading losers, then you should want to pay for ALL of them; and conversely, if you think we shouldn't be forced to pay for ILLEGAL freeloading losers, then you should not want to force people to pay for ANY freeloading loser.

It's not like there's an American flag, beating with patriotism, deep within my heart, every time I am privileged enough to pick up a pregnant 18 y/o, G-6, P-4, A-1, black female from the projects, because she's an AMERICAN CITIZEN; while I'm indignant about picking up her illegal hispanic equivalent. I'm just as irritated about facilitating the abuse of gubment services by LEGAL freeloaders as I am with ILLEGAL freeloaders. I don't want to force people to pay for either freeloading loser!

I have trouble understanding the argument, "we need to run these damn illegals out of our country, cause I don't want to have to pay for their school and medical care." Well...do you think I want to pay for the school and medical care of YOUR 12-15 toothless, white-trash, LEGAL children? Why don't we deport YOUR freeloading white kids along with all the freeloading hispanic kids that YOU want to deport?

Or...why not, instead of being upset at illegal aliens and wanting to deport them...why don't we just stop forcing taxpayers to pay for them? Would anyone even HAVE a problem with illegal aliens if they didn't have to fund their freeloading escapades? While we're at it, let's stop forcing people to pay for LEGAL freeloaders as well.

Would we consider ANY freeloader to be a problem, regardless of citizenship status, if we weren't forced to fund and facilitate freeloaders' addiction to gubment assistance? That's the most frustrating part of my job...facilitating freeloaders' addiction to gubment services, and witnessing it get worse and worse.

Merry Christmas!

Why EMT's Treat People Like Brain-damaged Three-year-olds...

noreply@blogger.com (Crusty) — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 18:34:00 +0000

Here's an e-mail I recently received from a blog reader...

"I've read through your blog and enjoy it. Unfortunately I can't even laugh anymore at the stupidity of most people, I just shake my head and weep for humanity. Is it just my imagination, or is it whenever paramedics respond to a nonobvious broken bone (i.e a vertebra) they treat the pt like a brain-damaged three-year-old? Just would like your insight into this behaviour, as I've come across it before and never understood it."

A few days ago, we were called to a 2-car MVA by a (brain damaged) police officer, who wanted us to come and "check a patient out." We arrived on scene approximately 30-40 minutes after the accident had occurred, and everyone was out of their cars, walking around. The alleged patient was a 25 HF, who was the restrained driver of a moderately damaged 4-Runner, which T-boned a sedan. Our patient was not at fault in the accident, according to witnesses, so the other guy's insurance had to pay for medical expenses.

The patient complained that she had pain and tingling on the left side of her face from hitting her face on the side window (of the door). The patient told us she didn't want to go to the hospital, and she didn't even know why we were there; she said she didn't request us. We asked her if we could take her vitals, and while we took her vitals, which were normal, we offered to transport her to the hospital by ambulance. She refused transport and signed a refusal statement.

We stayed on scene for a while, because we were teaching a rookie how to call a supervisor for a refusal. Approximately 20-30 minutes later (now 1 hour after the accident occurred), after the patient talked to her ignorant friend (who had a working car, on scene), the patient came up to us and asked if it was too late to go with us to the hospital. Apparently her friend told her the other guy had to pay for the ambulance, she would be more likely to GET PAID if she went by ambulance, and she would get seen more quickly by the hospital if she went by ambulance (I actually overheard some of the conversation). So I said nothing but "sure," while giving her and her friend a look like they were both brain-damaged 3-year-olds. We took her to the hospital, and the boyfriend followed us in his car. When we got to the hospital, she actually asked, "when can I take this thing off?" ...referring to the C-collar.

So, why do EMT's treat people with non-obvious broken bones like they are brain-damaged 3-year-olds? Because they act like brain-damaged 3-year-olds.

What's an ambulance going to do for a patient who's already been walking around an accident scene (in this case, she was walking around for about an hour)? At that point, what's the difference between going to hospital in the ambulance and going by private vehicle? The only thing we CAN do is immobilize the patient's spine. Immobilizing the spine doesn't do a whole lot of good when the patient is already walking around, or when a patient wants to remove the C-collar. Sometimes people even call us three days after an accident (which happens often).

It's fairly common for patients to complain about the backboard and C-collar or refuse the backboard and/or C-collar, like brain-damaged 3-year-olds, but they still want to go to the hospital by ambulance. What's people's infatuation with the damn ambulance? What do they think it's going to do for them?

Sometimes, after a car accident, people say they feel OK, but then they later decide they want to go by ambulance when they feel like their muscles are starting to stiffen up a little bit. What's an ambulance going to do for stiff muscles?

Most of the time, people just want to go by ambulance because they figure they'll have a better lawsuit if they go by ambulance, or they figure they're not paying for it, so why not? People who are not at-fault in an accident go to the hospital far more often than people who cause accidents. I wonder why.

When I, and most other EMT's, suspect a patient truly does have a broken vertebrae, we take it very seriously, and we do whatever we can to make sure the person doesn't end up paralyzed. Usually, when a person is still sitting in the car, or laying outside of the car, making some attempt to remain immobile, we are far more likely to NOT treat that person like a brain-damaged 3-year-old.

Know-it-all EMT's, spare all of us your stupid stories about, 'one time...this dude was walking around the scene of a minor accident, and I heroically talked him into going by ambulance, and..., and..., I saved his life, caused he had a C3 fracture, which goes to show,...' It goes to show you're a self-promoting blow-hard. Yeah...I get that it happens sometimes...and I get that adrenaline masks pain sometimes, which is not very likely. We just treat people like brain-damaged 3-year-olds when they act like brain-damaged 3-year-olds.

"Right" to Medical Care...WTF, Mate?

noreply@blogger.com (Crusty) — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 17:59:00 +0000

This sign, based on the "EMTALA" law, is posted in every emergency room in our little socialist town. Notice the "rights" this sign grants you...

I don't know if that's what Thomas Jefferson had in mind when he talked about our unalienable rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Tell me we don't currently have socialized health care in America! It's no wonder why so many hospitals are going out of business. If you privately owned a convenience store, should the federal government be able to FORCE you to provide food for any hobo who says he is hungry?

Imagine you found yourself as one of five people, living in a deserted area (you are the only five people of which you are aware)...

What rights would you have?

Would you have the right to force any of the other four people to provide you with medical care? (It depends on who has the biggest weapons, right?)

Why are your "rights" any different in a larger society?

How many people must a society contain in order for you to start having the right to force other people to give you their time or property?

Isn't it called "slavery" when you force someone to give you their time and labor? I thought we were all free at last.

Who's Responsible For This Guy's Death?

noreply@blogger.com (Crusty) — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 18:10:00 +0000

Who's responsible for Ed Givens' death?

I know exactly what these paramedics said. I've been in this situation a thousand times, along with every other ambulance driver in every major city.

They said, "you're apparently a very healthy 39 y/o, your vitals are stable, your pulseOx is good, your EKG looks good, and we don't detect any problem. Our guess is that it's probably just heartburn, since you probably have a history of heartburn, and we don't see anything else. However, we don't know for sure...it could be a heart attack, but WE can't tell. Only a doctor could tell you for sure. You could go with us to the hospital, in which case we would just be giving you a ride, since we don't have any drugs to give you for a condition we can't detect. Or...you could go in your own car to the hospital, you could call your doctor and see what he says, or you could try taking some antacid, see if that helps, and go to the doctor if it doesn't help. It's up to you, but we don't detect any problems right now."

If these paramedics "refused" to transport this guy, which I highly doubt, why didn't these Victicrats just take him in their own car (or call a friend/take a bus/take a taxi)? The guy died SIX HOURS LATER! Really, didn't Lolitha, Anthony, & Sabrina "refuse" to transport him more than the paramedics did? Where was his caring, ultra-helpful family during his final six hours of life?

Why did they call the ambulance in the first place? If you're having a problem, and you're capable of getting your sorry pile of flesh into the car and going to the hospital, shouldn't you just go, without involving the ambulance? Were they hoping the paramedics would give them a free house call, check him out, and either tell him he didn't need to go or give him some free medz? Has that become the purpose of the ambulance?

NOTE TO IGNORANT PUBLIC... CALL THE AMBULANCE WHEN YOU ABSOLUTELY KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO THE HOSPITAL, AND YOU ABSOLUTELY NEED THE AMBULANCE TO GET THERE! DON'T CALL WHEN YOU'RE NOT SURE IF YOU WANT TO GO, AND YOU'RE HOPING THE AMBULANCE WILL COME TELL YOU EVERYTHING'S OK OR GIVE YOU SOME FREE SHIT TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

If the paramedics failed to save this guy, is it THEIR fault that he died, or is it the fault of the patient (and his family) that he died from a problem which he caused to HIMSELF, from which HE failed to save HIMSELF? What would have happened to this guy if there was no such thing as paramedics...whose fault would it be then? Isn't it just NICE if the paramedics CAN save you, but it's your own problem if they can't save you?

This would be a whole different scenario if the paramedics would have given him something or done something to him that would have killed him, but they didn't. They didn't 'fail to act,' either (save your whiny "Negligence" argument). They just failed to have enough knowledge or equipment to know this guy was having a problem (if he WAS having a problem at the time). The family's REAL complaint is that the paramedics didn't convince him to go in the ambulance, or in other words, the paramedics allowed him to decide for himself not to go.

Also, I want an autopsy. Who knows what kind of pillz Ed Givens took between the time the paramedics left and SIX HOURS LATER, when he was found dead.

In Case You Didn't Realize I Was a Hero...

noreply@blogger.com (Crusty) — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 23:10:00 +0000

Self-UN-Medicating Seizure Patient
11:54 We responded to a 35 y/o HM, working in a metal fabrication factory. According to bystanders, he fell down and had a seizure. When we arrived, he had already regained consciousness, and he told us that he did have a history of seizures, but he decided to stop taking his medications a long time ago. He said normally when he has seizures, he doesn't go to the hospital. So, we drove him to the hospital, so he could get a prescription for seizure meds which he wasn't going to fill.

Hospital Shopping
14:31 We were called to the apartment of a 55 y/o HF who was CO abdominal pain for the past few weeks. She said, "I wen to the hospita righ here close to my house las nigh, [her tone changes to an accusatory tone, and she begins to cry] but they refuse to trea me...I din thing they cou do tha." I asked her if the hospital did anything to help her, or if they just refused to see her. She said, [still crying] "well...yeah, they ran a bonch of tests and stoff and tol me I migh have diverticulitis, but then they tol me they wun't give me no drugs or nothin...they tol me I shud go to the county hospita if I wan to get drugs and further treatmen." So she went home, decided to wait about 12 hours, and then called a 911 emergency ambulance to take her to the county hospital. When we got to the county hospital, we walked her to the waiting room, and she got in line behind about 150 other people (about an 10-12 hour wait).

Very Ambulatory Hobo With Ankle Problem
17:16 We were called to a nearby fire station for a 65 y/o BM hobo with a hurt ankle, due to being hit by a car some time the night before. He walked a few miles to get to the fire station, walked into the station, and then walked into the ambulance, without any sign of distress. We took him to the hospital, and he walked to the waiting room, where I'd bet he walked out within a few hours.

Rear-Ended By Some Heroes, What Could Be More Reassuring?
19:24 A fire truck ran into the back of an SUV, because, according to the driver of the fire truck, the lady didn't pull to the right, and he had his lights and sirens on. The lady told us she couldn't pull to the right because there was traffic, so she just stopped where she was. Then she said, "I didn't think they could just run into the back end of my car if I couldn't pull to the right." I told her she probably had a pretty good point. She said she was terrified when she got hit, but then she saw the reassuring sight of a firefighter approaching her. She said that, instead of being reassuring, the hero began yelling at her, asking her why she didn't pull to the right. That's the way to be a hero...he may have rear-ended a helpless, innocent lady, but at least he made her feel bad about getting rear-ended. There weren't any injuries, but the firefighters called an ambulance anyway, just to CYA.

We Are Medical Geniuses
20:49 We responded to the home of an 80 y/o HF who fell out of her chair and couldn't get back up, which is a regular occurrence. When we got there, the husband was just arriving. He went in the house and picked her up. Then he walked her outside and asked us if we could check her out. We asked if she wanted to go to the hospital, since we're not doctors, and we can't really tell if you're OK or not OK, unless you're having a major problem (bleeding out of an artery in the neck, for example). They resolutely refused to go to the hospital and asked us again to just check her out right here, "like we did last time." It's so cute when people think we know enough about medicine to tell them if they're OK or not OK. So, we "checked her out," with our all-knowing, magical blood pressure cuff, and gave her a clean bill of health. They were satisfied with that.

What Can an Ambulance Do For a Broken Arm, You May Ask?
22:16 We responded to a street corner for a 15 y/o HM who had fallen down on his bicycle and hurt his arm. He had an obvious deformity to his forearm (broken arm). So we wrapped a placebo around his arm (crappy splint and a wrap) and drove him to the hospital. I tried to make the ride smooth, but he moaned every time we hit a bump...we have terrible suspension in the ambulance.

14 y/o Drinking Her Problems Away
23:16 It's that girl that had the tree limb fall on her arm (14 y/o WF). This time her father called 911 and reported she was unconscious/possible cardiac arrest. Her dad is actually a doctor. When we got there, she was lying on the ground, conscious, and puking green alcohol-smelling stuff (there was a bottle of watermelon-flavored Midori on the counter). We asked her if she had anything to drink. We expected this to be a stupid question, and we expected her to say, "duhhh...of course I did." Instead, she denied having anything to drink, even though she was puking green alcohol. Her dad also insisted it was not alcohol, saying it was more likely a hypoglycemic reaction, even though her blood sugar was normal. On the way to the hospital, she finally admitted that she might have drunk 5 shots and had some green Otter Pops. By the way, good news...her arm was healing quite nicely, and she was starting to be able to use her hand again.

Motorcycle Wreck...Probably Not Going to Make It
1:00 We were called to a Papa John's restaurant for a motorcycle wreck, with a possible severed thumb...Ho-hum, right?. Well, when we got there, we found a 30 y/o HM lying on the ground, unconscious, with a deformed left femur and multiple contusions to his torso. The motorcycle was demolished. He apparently ran into Papa John's at around 40 MPH. They said he was pulling in (he was a delivery driver), and all of the sudden, he just sped up and hit the wall. We called a fire truck and a paramedic squad, put a c-collar on his neck, put a traction splint on his leg, stripped him down, put him on a backboard, wrapped his thumb, and hauled ass to the hospital. He actually regained consciousness on the way to the hospital, but they had to knock him out again to tube him, since he had dimished breath sounds and a pulse Ox of 80. Later, the doctor told me the outlook was not good. He had a ruptured spleen, liver, and lung. We tried.

Here Come the Cops, Quick, Eat the Drugs...
2:42 The police called us for an OD. They watched a 48 y/o WF buy drugs from a guy, they followed her, and when they went to arrest her, she swallowed two crack rocks. After about 30-45 minutes, the police decided to call us, so that we could drive her to the hospital. We got her out of the police car, walked her to the ambulance, and drove her to the hospital. She said she felt fine, and she looked OK (pulse was a little high...around 100), but we took her anyway, because the police didn't want to take her. We dropped her off in the shock room where I'm sure they were about to pump her stomach. When we dropped her off, she still felt fine, 1 1/2 hours after ingesting the drugs.

Wrecker Drivers Being Heroes...Errr...Creating Business...
3:45 We were called to an unconscious person in a Walgreens parking lot. When we showed up, we found out it was a drunk person who decided to pull into a parking lot and sleep it off. We healed him by tapping on his window and waking him up. A tow truck driver was the hero who called us. Tow truck drivers actually do this quite often. They drive around and find people sleeping in their cars on the side of the road. They're hoping the person will be taken by either the ambulance or the police, and they'll get to tow the car. The police ended up taking this one for DUI/PI, and the wrecker driver was rewarded with a tow.

2 Cars, 1 Pole, No People...
3:56 We were called to a motor vehicle accident. When we got there, we found a car, which had run into a pole, but there were no people. The people who live near the accident said the guy hit the pole, then the car behind him hit the back end of his car. The driver of the car that hit the pole jumped out of his car and got in the car of the person who ran into the back end of his car, and then they drove away in a car that barely moved, due to extensive damage. So...the people did what responsible citizens do best, they called 911 for an ambulance for a guy who took off.

When Do YOU Call A 911 Ambulance For Someone?

noreply@blogger.com (Crusty) — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 15:47:00 +0000

The other day, somebody called 911 for a person who was apparently sleeping near the side of the road. When we got there, all we found was a pile of clothing, which was stacked on top of a bucket, and possibly, maybe appeared to be a person sleeping, from the perspective of somebody driving by at 50 MPH.

We called the guy back on his cell phone (the caller's phone number comes up on our computer), and we asked him where the person was and how the caller knew that the person needed an ambulance. The caller said he didn't know if the person needed help, he just thought that maybe he did. We asked him if he knew if it was even a person, and he said he didn't know. We asked him why he didn't stop and find out, and he said it was because he was in a car and there was a lot of traffic. The caller was not willing to come back to the location to show us where he thought he saw a person.

It gets worse.

20 minutes later, we got called to the same exact location, for the same exact thing, but it was from a different caller, who was also driving by at 50 MPH, and also didn't bother stopping to check to see if it was actually a person. We called him back also. He didn't answer, so we left a message, politely asking him to return to the location, and show us where the person is that needed our help. We told him we found a pile of clothes that might look like a person (to an imbecile), but we didn't find a person. He never responded. In case anyone wants to call the guy and ask him what the hell he was thinking that night, his phone number is 512-431-2164, and his name is Chris Simonson.

I dismantled the pile of clothing, and amazingly, we did not get called back to that location again. We should make a law, declaring that hobos hereby may not pile clothing in such a manner to resemble a sleeping person, punishable by banishment to Uruguay, along with the imbecile that called 911 for the pile of clothing.

In our little socialist society, the ratio of basic ambulances to people is about 30,000 to 1. So, when you call an ambulance for a B.S. reason, 29,999 people don't have access to the closest ambulance, if they need one.

So, At what point would YOU call an emergency 911 ambulance for someone?

1. If you think it might be a person and there's a slight possibility that, if it is a person, he might need a little help, but you're not willing to go find out if it is a person OR if he needs some help, cause you're an inconsiderate dumbass?

2. If you know it's a person and there's a slight possibility he might need some help, but you're not willing to go find out for yourself, cause you're an inconsiderate dumbass?

3. If you know it's a person and there's a better-than-average possibility he might need some help, but you're not willing to find out for sure, cause you're an inconsiderate dumbass? For example, someone just crashed his car, but you have no idea if he's hurt and/or if he wants an ambulance.

4. If you know it's a person, you know he needs some help, but you also know he doesn't need an emergency 911 ambulance, but you're not willing to take him to the hospital, and you still want to feel like you're a good person, so you just call a 911 ambulance for him, cause you're an inconsiderate dumbass? For example, an acquaintance of yours is sick, he needs to go to the hospital, you know the only thing an ambulance can for him is give him a ride (just like you could), but you don't want to deal with it (due to blood, vomit, coughing, mucous, time, or because you'd have to help him get in the car), so you just call an ambulance, because you're a Christian, and Christians call 911 for people when they want to feel good about themselves.

5. If you know it's a person, you know he needs to see a doctor, you know that the person needs to be moved by a stretcher (because he's an invalid or has a chronic illness), but you also know he doesn't need an EMERGENCY 911 AMBULANCE (there is no life-threatening emergency condition, for which the ambulance has a remedy, and time is not a factor...e.g., he's had a bed sore for the past two weeks...or he has the flu), and you're not willing to go through the hassle of calling and waiting for a private ambulance, so you just take the easy way out and call an emergency 911 ambulance, cause you're an inconsiderate dumbass?

6. If you know it's a person, but you know he's dead, and you know he's been dead longer than 15 minutes (so he can't be revived), but you call for an ambulance anyway, because you don't know what else to do, or you don't want to wait around for the police, cause you're an inconsiderate dumbass? If you didn't know before, I'm telling you now. If someone is obviously dead, when you call 911, specify that the person is dead, and tell them you only need the police, not the ambulance. 911 Operators are too dumb/cautious to make decisions for themselves; you need to tell them you don't need an ambulance. Now that you know, tell a friend (along with everything else you learn on this highly educational blog).

7. If you know it's a person, and you know for a fact that he needs an emergency 911 ambulance, due to uncontrollable blood loss, an uncontrollable airway, a heart attack, a cardiac arrest, a stroke, a need for heavy splinting or spinal immobilization, or any situation where, if the person did not go by emergency 911 ambulance, his condition would get a lot worse, or he would likely die?

Leave your answers in the "Snotty Remarks" section. If you're mentally impaired, you may select more than one answer (e.g., "Hi, this is Brad. I select answers 1-6, cause I'm a socialist retard.").

Attempted Suicide...Practice Makes Perfect

noreply@blogger.com (Crusty) — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 03:04:00 +0000

We were called to a high-end loft apartment of a 33 y/o BF, for an attempted suicide. When we got the call, the notes on our computer said that she was shooting up the place with a shotgun, and she's about to shoot herself. It sounded like a TRUE emergency, so we only took a few more bites of our dinners, and then we moseyed on over there.

They called the right ambulance driver, because if anyone can talk someone out of shooting themselves, I can. My technique...based on the theory that people usually only kill themselves when they are coming OUT of depression...I use my verbal skills to drive them deep enough back into depression that they no longer have the willpower or self-respect to kill themselves.

Her girlfriend (the apparent femme in the relationship) called us because she got scared when the patient fired the shotgun in the house and blew a hole in the ceiling. That would explain why she's the femme...only a femme would be scared of a little shotgun fire in the house. The patient was trying to make her girlfriend think she was trying to shoot herself, and she accidentally missed. The rest of us aren't fooled by that sharade...you would have to be a complete failure to miss your own head with a shotgun.

When we got there, and after the police made sure the scene was safe for a couple of EMS pansies, the patient and her girlfriend were sitting in the kitchen arguing about 'you don't love me anymore' and 'why did you call the cops?...you betrayed me.' The gun was on the bed in the bedroom, and there was in fact, a big hole in the ceiling. The police took all of her guns away (perks of the job, I guess...we get free band-aids...they get guns), and after about an hour of trying to verbally persuade her to go to the hospital, the police forced her to go to the county mental health hospital. She did not go easily. The police had to kick her ass a little. It turns out, the patient was a federal police officer, so she kind of knew her way around resisting arrest.

You would think that would be the end of the story, right? I mean, you figure, if somebody is being rehabilitated by the county, they're going to emerge as a well-adjusted, mentally stable person, right? Plus that, the government took away all her guns...how would someone without guns hurt themselves or others, right?

Two weeks later, we got called to the same apartment. This time the computer said that the patient was inside the apartment, she had a gun, and she was waiting for the police to break in so she could fire at them, hoping they would return fire and kill her (police assisted suicide).

When we arrived, there was no shortage of police on hand. They live for this stuff. I don't know if their motivation was more to save her from shooting herself, or if they were hoping to be the one who got to shoot her. They were all dressed in their semi-SWAT gear. A couple of guys even had shotguns and assault rifles.

They asked us to breach the door, and when we did, the door only opened about a foot, being stopped by someone standing behind the door. The cops started yelling, "she's behind the door...she's got a gun...put the gun down, mother fuck#r...come out, god damn#t, ....put the fucki#g gun down..."

They continued yelling at her for about 10 minutes. The neighbors were poking their heads out of their doors, trying to see what was going on, and then quickly retreating, like a bunch cowardly sissies. We, of course, were hiding out 10-15 feet down the hall, waiting for the gun fight to end, like a bunch of cowardly sissies.

After about 10 minutes, one of the officers got really brave and looked in the crack in the door...then...Bang, Splat...the officers brains were sprayed all over the wall, ceiling, and all over the other officers. The other officers started firing at the girl, then she fired back, and when the smoke cleared, the girl was dead, and 8 officers were dead...it was a total bloodbath.

Just kidding..., when the officer looked in the crack, he saw a rope and said, "she's got a rope!...she's got a fucki#g rope!... ...(pause) ... ...why does she have a fucki#g rope?" Then he re-acquired some courage, got closer, and looked again. When he looked in the crack, he saw her looking back at him through the crack. He jumped back, processed what he saw, and said, "I think she's hanging by the rope." They looked again and verified that she was in fact hanging by a rope behind the door. We all felt kind of sheepish for engaging in a SWAT standoff and yelling obscenities at a dead, hanging chick.

We did what only highly trained medical professional are capable of doing...we checked to make sure she was dead, which was apparent without even touching her, since her eyes were bugged-out & all dried up. Also, her face was white (she's a black girl), and there were hardened stalagtites of snot hanging from her nose and mouth. She also had a touch of rigormortis. She must have been dead for more than a couple of hours. She was hanging by a rope, attached to the exposed plumbing of the loft-style apartment. Her feet were about 1-2' from the gound. I have a sneaking suspicion she wasn't messing around this time.

It was a tiny bit weird when I got up close and looked in her eyes...allowing myself to think illogical thoughts, just for a second, wondering if somehow she can still see me looking at her through her dead, bugged-out, dried-up eyes...and thinking it was kind of rude of me to be staring at someone like that. I also wondered, just for a second, if she could somehow hear the jokes we were telling each other about a girl hanging from a rope and about the situation, in general (SWAT standoff with a hanging chick). Don't count on a bunch of cops and firemen to solemnly respect the dead when nobody else is around...there have been a few times when we've had to take a second to collect ourselves, stop laughing, and wipe the grins off our faces before walking out where the public could see us, at the scenes of dead people.

I left the scene feeling disappointed and confused. I could hardly believe that my government failed to stop her from hurting herself. You would think that taking away her guns and sending her to a government mental health rehabilitation center would do the trick. I mean, if government can't keep me from hurting myself, who can? I suddenly feel so unsafe, insecure, and scared to be alone with myself. The world is a different place.

"Just To Be Safe"...The Apparent Theme of Another Fun-Filled Day of Hauling Losers to the Hospital

noreply@blogger.com (Crusty) — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 20:23:00 +0000

Metro Bus Boo-boo
7:48 We responded to a fall on a Metro Bus. Reportedly, a handicap person fell down inside of the bus, and the Metro driver called an ambulance. The pt. was a 45 y/o seemingly retarded BF, who was complaining of a boo-boo (little-to-no pain) to her left leg. She told the bus driver that she didn't want no ambulance, but he called anyway, because he said, "...just to be safe...you never can be too safe."

Hospital Next Door Not Good Enough For a Free-Loader
8:24 We responded to the home of a 65 y/o BF CO chest pain. Her home is less than one block from a hospital. She said she called us because she wanted to go to a hospital 35 miles away. We told her we wouldn't take her to that hospital; it was too far. She got really mad at us that we wouldn't drive her 35 miles away for her life-threatening, emergency chest pain situation. We asked her why she didn't want to go to the hospital next door, and she said it was a bad hospital. She didn't have any medical insurance, which is probably why she wanted to go to a better hospital...as long as she wasn't paying for it, why not go to the most expensive hospital? I guess beggars CAN be choosers. Upon further questioning, she told us she was just diagnosed with kidney stones two days ago, and she revealed that it actually hurts more around her kidneys than her chest, and it feels just like it felt two days ago when she went to the hospital for kidney stones (she originally called it "chest pain" because she thought it would get her taken care of faster). She opted to walk from her house to the ambulance, parked in the street, which was half the distance of the walk to the hospital next door. Then we drove her to a hospital 5 miles away, passing the hospital next to her house on our way.

Do-Gooder Thought He Was the Only One on the Road With a Cell Phone
10:05 We were called to a 3-car accident on the freeway. We were called by someone who was driving by. We called the caller to find out exactly where the accident was, and he said that he didn't know if there were any injuries. He called 'just to be safe.' It turns out there were no injuries. When are these brain-dead, do-gooders going to learn that if someone wants an ambulance, they'll call for an ambulance on their own damned cell phone? Did this guy really think he was the only driver on the road with a phone? Attention Harry-the-Hero, it's not 1989, you're not the only one with a car-phone; everyone has at least one cell phone. Nobody needs you to call 911 for them while you're driving by at 65 MPH, not knowing where you are or if anybody actually needs an ambulance.

The Overturned Truck Driver Was the Only One That Didn't Need an Ambulance
10:27 We were called to another 3-car accident at an intersection. A 55 y/o BF, driving a VW Beetle with minor damage, said she had pain in her chest from the seatbelt. She said she wanted to go to the hospital 'just to be safe.' When we put a C-collar on her and taped her down to a backboard (which is the ONLY thing an ambulance can do for you when you're in a car accident...stabilize your spine), she told us, "I don wan no neck braze on...I think I might be clastrophobic." So we took her to the hospital without the only thing we can do to help. Then there was a 39 y/o BM delivery driver in a truck, with VERY minor damage, who decided he needed to go to the hospital to have them look at his minor pain in his left leg, 'just to be safe.' He also complained about the backboard to which we duct taped him. The third driver was a 40 y/o HM, whose truck was flipped on its side, and he said that he was fine and didn't need an ambulance. Somehow the person who causes the accident almost never needs an ambulance, and the victims almost always need an ambulance. Interesting stuff...

Hot Chick
12:30 We responded to the home of a 61 y/o HF CO sudden, unexplainable dizziness and altered consciousness. Maybe it had something to do with cooking food all day in an extremely hot kitchen, without eating. When we got her out of the kitchen, she stopped feeling dizzy and regained consciousness. We healed her. She said she didn't want to go to the hospital, but her husband insisted on her going to the hospital in the ambulance, 'just to be safe.' Her vitals were perfect, but we took her anyway, cause we're puppets on a string.

A Passer-by Mistook a Drunk Person for Seizures
14:00 We were called to a person with seizures. We were disregarded before we got there when a fire truck arrived and found out it was just a drunk dude. Someone else called for him, 'just to be safe.' The guy who called us either really cared about the well-being of the drunk guy in front of his house, or he was aware of the fact that, if you want to get a hobo off your front lawn, you're better off calling an ambulance than calling the police. The police get to decide if they want to respond to your emergency situation, and they often exercise their right to ignore your request for help, but the ambulance is obligated to respond.

One Tiny, Dried-up Cut
15:33 We were called, by a fire truck, to a 42 y/o WM who had driven his car into the safety barrels on the freeway. He said he was just driving along, minding his own business, and "the car in front of him suddenly stopped for no reason." He had nowhere to go, so he hit the barrels, but it was the fault of the guy in front of him. The guys on the fire truck said they stopped when they drove up on the accident, and they called us 'just to be on the safe side.' They wanted us to "check him out" with our highly advanced, ambulance-mounted, injury detectolator. They don't have those mounted on fire trucks yet. It turns out the guy didn't feel like he needed an ambulance for his tiny, dried-up cut on his arm.

Didn't Know How to Use Benadryl Pills
17:21 We responded to the home of a 65 y/o WF CO an allergic reaction. She told us she would rather not go to the hospital if she didn't have to go. Her family called an ambulance for her because she had a swollen tongue and itchy skin, just to be on the safe side. She had no signs of hives or a swollen tongue, and her vitals were normal. It turns out she has anxiety problems, and this happens every now and then. We were talking to her for about 20 minutes, and her allergic reaction miraculously subsided, so she decided she didn't need an ambulance to go to the hospital. A paramedic also explained to her the purpose and proper administration of over-the-counter Benadryl, which she had in her possession but had not taken.

Injury Victim Realized He Didn't Need an Ambulance After All
19:01 We were called to an injury at the park, but we were disregarded because the person decided to leave. I'm getting tired of people realizing they're better off handling their medical problems themselves, rather than using gubment-funded ambulances; they're going to put the gubment (and me) out of work.

Sick Guy 2 Blocks From Hospital
19:35 We responded to the home of an 82 y/o WM, living 2 blocks from the hospital (3 miles from the fire station). He CO feeling a little bit sick for the past couple of days. He had his grandson and two LVN's at the house, and they decided to call US (he was able to walk). So...we took him to the hospital, 2 blocks away. From the time they called us for their highly emergent medical situation, until the time we delivered the man to the hospital, was about 45 minutes, including response time (10 min.), assessment time (20 min), loading time (5 min), transport time (5 min), and unloading time (5 min). It would have taken them approximately 4 minutes to get him to the hospital without the ambulance.

Chest Pains
1:45 We responded to the home of an 87 y/o WM CO chest pains. He wanted to go to the hospital just to be safe. EKG says he's OK, but what do we know?

Let's Play, "Blood, Poop, or Vomit"!...The Ambulance Is a Filthy Place

noreply@blogger.com (Crusty) — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 03:00:00 +0000

If I haven't already made you think twice about ever calling an ambulance again, just based on the fact that ambulance drivers are sick, twisted, insensitive, CLOWNS; the information I'm about to reveal to you will really make you never want to call an ambulance again, unless it's a choice between 'call an ambulance' or die (which is the way it should be). Even then, you may just want to choose death.

As you might imagine, the ambulance sees a lot of blood, snot, vomit, poop, spit, sperm, urine, pus, amniotic fluid, after-birth, pre-birth, general non-birth related vaginal sludge, zit-juice, eye goop, ear grease, and any other body fluid you can imagine. Every surface of the ambulance has, at one time, been the depository for at least one, if not all, of these body fluids.

The problem is, most people figure the nice boys that work on the ambulance meticulously disinfect every square nanometer of the ambulance. Most people are delusional. You can count on the nice boys on the ambulance to create an 'appearance of cleanliness,' but don't expect them to actually clean anything. We'll clean up all the most visible chunks of blood & vomit, wipe down most of the visible surfaces, and try to make it smell good; but ambulances are far from being clean. Sure, we change the sheet, most of the time, but that's like trusting a single square of one-ply toilet paper to protect you from a toilet seat in a gas station in Tijuana (I've heard of EMT's trying to go the whole day without ever having to change the sheet, due to VISIBLE contamination). When you're in an ambulance, you are surrounded by biohazardous filth; it's attacking you from all sides.

You know how they say that when you have sex with someone, you are really having sex with everyone that person has ever had sex with? Well, when you ride an ambulance, you are essentially having sex with every hobo & loser that ambulance has ever transported.

Here are some examples of some of the human bio-filth you might find in a typical ambulance...

Backboards
Backboards are the direct recipient of whatever is oozing out of our patients. We get them from the hospital, and we try to pick backboards that don't have any obvious signs of contamination, so we don't have to clean them. These backboards were on my ambulance, ready to be used, at the beginning of my shift. Are you ready to play, "Blood, Poop, or Vomit?"...

Blood, Poop, or Vomit??? This is the area where a patient would lay his head (above).

Blood, with a little fecal matter, is my guess. What's a little fecal matter between friends?

Tape residue collects some of the neatest little specimens.

Probably poop, blood, AND vomit. All three are correct answers.

That's definitely pubic hair, and maybe a little vomit.

I'm guessing that's either blood, poop, or bloody poop.

Stretcher

I won't touch a stretcher without some heavy-duty, space-man-suit-like protection. The top of the stretcher and some of the handles get wiped down every now and then, but everything else goes by the rule, "if it looks clean, then it is clean."

This is a stretcher rail in regular light...

Here's a stretcher rail in black light...notice all the little splatters of 'who-knows-what'.

Here's a seatbelt in regular light...

Here's a seatbelt in black light. These seatbelts make direct contact with every loser we ever transport, AND they're highly absorbent.

This is a latch underneath the stretcher...

Here's the same latch in black light. Since this latch is on the underside of the stretcher, I imagine it has never been cleaned. The rule is, "Out of sight...it must be clean."

Blood Pressure Cuffs
Blood pressure cuffs get cleaned about once every few days, maybe, and every time we use them on someone REALLY bloody. Other than that, when an EMT puts a blood pressure cuff on you, you're essentially sticking your arm into a petri dish containing body fluid samples from every hobo that has worn that cuff over the past few days. Even when they do get cleaned, it's not exactly a thorough cleaning. The same is true for stethescopes, pulse oximeters, and all the vital-taking equipment at the hospital. I mean, why would WE want to clean this stuff, it's not like this equipment has to touch OUR skin, just YOURS.

Here are some cuffs in regular light, and below are some cuffs in black light. Is that vomit I see on the cuff, or is that just some sperm?

Cross-Contamination
Does it make you feel good that EMT's wear gloves? Have you ever thought about all the things EMT's touch, with their gloves ON, that have already been contaminated by some other loser? The reason most EMT's religiously wear gloves is to protect THEMSELVES from you and all the contamination in the back of the ambulance. They touch all the stuff in the back of the ambulance, which has been contaminated by every variety of dung-covered loser you could ever imagine, then they touch YOU.

This keyboard LOOKS innocent, but it's really a breeding ground for every pathogen known to science. Sure, we have our gloves on when we touch it, but then we touch YOU.

I'd rather lick the anus of a dead possum than touch this knob with my bare hands.

These straps have exchanged more body fluids than Wilt Chamberlain.

This IV hanger has never been cleaned; I triple your money back guarantee it. Imagine the lush tropical forest of filth growing on that thing.

Look at this little gem I found in the back of the ambulance. It's a fork with food hanging off of it. Not only will you be contaminated by all the hobos that have ever ridden back here, you'll also enjoy the contamination of the EMT's saliva and trichinosis covered fork.

Here's some goop and sludge hiding on the floor, around the stretcher retainer. It looks like it's probably just some human scabs and some roach poo.

Here's a little more tape residue, which has the ability to collect 400x its mass in human DNA. Which combination of body fluids do you think have to mix together to create the color black?

So...the next time you think the ambulance might be a nice, convenient way to safely get your mother to the hospital, consider the fact that the clowns on the ambulance couldn't care less about your mother's health, they probably don't have anything to give your mother to improve her health or comfort, the ride is about as pleasant as a bicycle with no seat, and most importantly, climbing into an ambulance is like swimming in a septic tank with open wounds. Save your mom the hassle, instead of calling her an ambulance, just stand above her and defecate in her trach tube, then go hook her feeding tube up to her colostomy bag.