Cry Says

Penumbra: Overture - 5

2010-11-19T08:25:00.000-08:00

"Arachnophobia, the condition in whic-OHGODSPIDERS"

Above you is a hole, beneath your feet is a broken ladder. Utilizing life skills, you put two and two together to make 4, and ALSO conclude that you need to use the ladder to get up that hole! After quick observation, however, you realize you are not exactly NBA material in the fact that you are nothing but a short, weak man. As you come to this sad fact, you compensate by making a box-tower and climb up said Tower of Boxel(Babel) with a piece of the ladder which you hook up onto the weird hook things.

You are sure they have a name, but for now they are considered weird hook things. You are sure no one will mind. Jumping up onto the ladder and climbing into the hole, you call out to the traffic cone one last time and wish him and his wife all the best as you progress further into the crevices of the mine.

Crawling inward, you find yourself greeted by a rumbly of the collapsing kind. Looking back you realize you are now trapped due to rocks and their inherent nature to piss you off. With no way but forward, you head on. Oh what's this? Dirty basketballs in some muddy mixture over here? Let's go check that out real fast.

OHP SPIDERS DEAD.

Well, now that you've learned that spiders are indeed total and complete dicks, you take note not to touch their sacs again. Also, luckily, you are a cat-man as you have more than one life. Hopefully more than nine, because you're so god damn helpless that you're most likely going to end up dying a few hundred more times as it is.

Taking the right route instead of the spider-infested left, you come across a set of three jump ropes and a giant boulder. You instantly imagine spiders going to gym here and using a boulder as an exercise ball. Oh those scamps. Suddenly, you hear the all-too-familiar sound of splat, gush, and other forms of spurting. Oh joy the spiders have come to work out!

Wishing to join them in their activities, or maybe just not wanting to fucking die, you roll their exercise ball towards the hole you've ejected from and block the entrance path; but not before one little devil creeped through! So, the epic battle of the ages begins: Cat-man versus Spider-demon-asshole. The battle waged on for what seemed ten seconds, as it really did last for ten seconds, as you drilled a fucking PICKAXE in that sucker.

Score one for humans and their ability to use tools, baby. Let's keep going!

Oh awesome, more spiders! You head out the other direction and find a boulder blocking a path but an open path next to it. Quickly using your smart awesome head you take that boulder and plug the path that was open to begin with as you back into it.

OHP SPIDERS DEAD. Good job, dude. Taking the OTHER other path, you block THAT path with the boulder that was blocking THAT path and block THAT path with the boulder because THAT path had spiders. You follow? Good. Because I'm not. Carrying on now.

Red comes on the radio and offers his words of wisdom, rivaling that of a friggin' wizard because he's so smart, and tells you the walls are fragile. You've experienced fragile before, so this is no surprise to you! Within the path you took, you find a baby rock. It's adorable! You instantly name him Jamison and begin you epic quest of life fulfillment together as Cat-Man and Rock. Sadly, your journey ends when you chuck Jamison into a small pool of acid and step all over him as you walk by.

Sorry Jamison, but it just wouldn't work out between us.

Shedding a tear of mild regret and budding sense of guilt, you contemplate turning back for your long-lost companion as you step over randomly placed planks of wood. Maybe you 'will' go back and help him out? As you do so, you realize Jamison's former lover Margarette, the abomination of a woman rock, was hurdling down towards you in Indiana Jones fashion. Great lover quarrels! DEAD.

After being flattened, you come across a big pack of spider eggs. Neat! Let's make omelettes. At least that is what you would say if they weren't feeding on your living flesh. As they eat away at you and you feel the cold touch of the reaper, you feebly whack away at the fragile wall with your almighty pickaxe and break your way through. Eventually. Because, well, you know, dying and all takes time doesn't it? Yes it does.

FINALLY jumping down into a random room, you look up and come to the discovery that spiders are afraid of heights. HAH! Stupid arachnids. Red comes in and tells you in a matter-of-factly fashion that it was all a setup and that you didn't 'have' to go through the spider caves, that he was punishing you for being born. A very just punishment and well-deserved, you think, you apologize and accept his hand in friendship once more.

Poking around the place you find a shady looking box with an awkward swinging door that failed 'Hide the Key' 101. The education system for wall-hanging cabinets is very poor these days, you now realize. Oh, you also, as a sign of dominance, smash the fuck out of the boards blocking the door and bust open vents because you're still pretty pissed off at life for dealing you such a bad hand. The rations on the shelves you instantly deem useless as, truthfully, rations are for sissies, men with bandanas, and poor people. None of those categories you fit, mind you.

Crawling through the vents, you come across a room with a crane type contraption that is holding a box. Just like in the arcades! You head into the control room and bash open the lockers to steal more things because you can probably pawn this stuff when you finally get out of here for a few pennies. In the lockers you find a book. No, more like a novel. This thing is LONG. Seriously, you could probably drop it on those spiders and kill them with this sucker. It talked about God and stuff and since you're a Dudeist, you lol and head to the controls.

Once you get over the fact that this is AWESOME, you finally realize that you can use the box and make another amazing tower of boxes to climb into a vent in the higher region of the room's vicinity. Lovely. Doing just that, you climb through and find gas. Noice! You are pretty sure you could probably get a meth lab going with all the materials you've scavenged so far during your journey, but realize that, aside from Red, you'd probably have absolutely no customers. You know, because spiders are too straight-edge.

Heading back out, through some vents, through a door, and through another, you enter in the once familiar corridors of: Dog'opolis.

Penumbra: Overture - 4

2010-11-18T07:51:00.000-08:00

"People who name themselves after colors are weird. Remember that."

This stupid machine thinks it can defy you and not work?! Well, it can; because you're stupid and realize that turning random valves and flipping the important looking lever does shit for you.

After bashing your head against a brick wall for enlightenment, it came to you: Using your brain can solve problems! Holy shit you're a genius! You get your geek on and pull the lever once more.

Good job, jackass, you broke the fusebox. Luckily for you you picked up a spare. Parting ways with your once awesome friend Mr. Fuzzy the Fuse, you fix that shit like Dr. Phil fixes lives. Once you figure out that you're smarter than the average bear, you get things working. FINALLY. I am so proud.

High-tailing it out of there, you find that the power is now on throughout the mine. One step closer to that underground nightclub you always wanted, eh chief? Heading back over towards the radio you realize that the techno music blaring from the speakers is actually that morse code crap you learned about in history class.

Once you finish putting on your glasses to look the part, you translate the code into the numbers: 5738. Wait. You just realized something. This is the same number sequence you used to open that locked door way back when, but backwards. Praising the probably dead lock number programmers, you nod thoughtfully and head towards the locked gate only to find that MOTHERFUCKINGDOG just hanging out.

Suddenly, your radio starts to go off. Awesome. Well, it would be if the person on the other end wasn't fucking INSANE. Though the cheery tone he carries with his pronunciations instantly grant him badass status in your book and you open that gate up like a boss. Slapping yourself for trying to be funny by saying 'like a boss', you hide like a coward as the dog passes by.

Seriously, you could probably punch that mutt in the face and show him who's boss, but the traumatic event of being bitten by a dalmatian when you were in third grade and getting six stitches on your leg from it has deep embedded emotional scars within you and you decide against it.

Once the dog has finished walking by, you come across another section of the mine and the badass guy on the mic speaks up again. He talks about some juice-thirsty metal monster, which immediately makes you start craving that Tang fruit punch stuff from the '90s. Yes, yes you know it is still around but no one drinks it anymore so shutup.

He also mentions his name is Red, which makes him slightly less awesome because the Red Ranger was a bitch and highly overrated. Everyone knows Black is edgy, hardcore, and break dances. Racists. Proceeding to do cartwheels down the mineshaft like the Rangers always did when they had to walk two steps forward, you come across more of Wallace's siblings. You wonder where the mother of these dogs are so you can kick it in the face, but sadly you have no idea.

Heading into the tool shed, you find a friggin' saw. AWESOME. Oh, and some paper. Whatever. The paper talks of stuff, things you'd have to think about to truly understand with your inferior mind, so you imagine it spoke of marshmallow dinosaurs. A new nemesis per chance? You bet your ass it is.

Leaving the shed and heading back out, you find even MORE dogs. Seriously! I'm not kidding you! That mom must have like twenty nipples! Red comes on the radio again and cracks jokes because he's a funny, imperfect guy. He really knows how to steal the show and you applaud him for that, but promptly tell him to STFU as you are the main character in this series, not him.

He tells you to go through some hole, so you figure hey, why not? So you head into the cave-like area with a broken ladder, hole in the ceiling, and traffic cones. The perfect home for a newly-wed couple with money troubles! On a box you find some more papers, which sucks but hey, it happens. Sorry.

On the papers they speak of tests anBORING. Your parents paid off your teachers so you didn't have to deal with tests, and you aren't going to deal with them now, you ungrateful twat.

You turn around and face your life-long adversary who has come to trouble your life once more: Gravity.

This article covers parts seven and eight.

Part 7 Part 8

Penumbra: Overture - 3

2010-11-17T07:50:00.000-08:00

"Power. Who knew it was so damn complicated?"

After kicking the fucking shit out of the plank of wood that wished to stop you from your ventures, you move continue your barrel rolling escapade only to be stopped dead in your tracks by the one and only: pile of random shit.

Fear not! For your weeks of watching over-sized, underpaid, and ill-respected mall security cops chasing after skateboard punks have taught you one thing: how to make a ramp out of pretty much anything. Thanks, angsty adolescent teenagers who wish to rebel against society!

Putting this knowledge to good use, you make a ramp and roll that shit over and head on over to the electrical fence. You spit on the fence and watch it spark, causing you to giggle like a child easily amused. Once you are finished, you place that keg of orange juice (the apple juice kegs are in the other room, remember?) and hop over the fence to the other side.

Score one for dominant human intellect, bitches!

Once on the other side of the fence, you kick the shit out of the power box to show it who's boss, which just so happens to de-charge the electrical fence too. It's a win-win situation!

Scoping around the newly discovered area of the mine, you find a boarded up door. Hah! Violence saves the day and you enter the room. Inside you find a keg, some flares, and MOTHERFUCKINGDYNAMITE. The swelling girth of man'dom fills you whole as you bust open the keg and find gunpowder. Quickly determining that your string laced with Baxtrin should be rolled in it, you do so. Neat! You now are halfway towards a bottle-rocket.

You GTFO of there and head back out. Once more you are faced with the demonic canine of yore, who you deem shall be named Wallace. Getting your sneak on, you nervously scoot past the dog and find a keg of, not juice, but pure 100% awesome boom-maker 5000. This pleases you greatly, as you hold to your face a huge motherfucking grin whilst dragging that shit towards the hole in the wall that's about to get a lot bigger.

Lighting that shit, you take cover by a nearby box. OHP DEAD.

Fast forward 15 years, some other guy named Phillip does the same shit like in articles in 1-3 1/2 and lights that TNT again and backs further away. Good job new guy, you're awesome. Fuck that original Phillip.

Heading onward, you fall into a new mineshaft which is way more spacious and simple all-around awesomer. Realizing awesomer is not a real word, you write a letter to Webster with an argument for the definition and pocket it until you get out of there.

Checking out the place, you find giant empty things. Seriously, you have absolutely no idea what they are. Cargo storage things? Poor people houses? You're uneducated and can't figure it out.

Investigating further you come across a room with a broom. Your sexism gets the better of you and you throw that shit in a fit of rage. Lucky for you you have the aim of some baseball pitcher (you don't watch baseball so you make one up, Johnny 5-fingers or something stupid like that) and a fuse falls to the ground. Score! Now you can bribe a nerd with it for something of actual worth, when you find a nerd anyway. Some paper with morse code and stuff too, but that's stupid.

Mozying about further, you come across a radio room and steal a receiver. You never know, right? Suddenly you wonder how the hell you carry all of this stuff. Realizing thinking of anything outside of pure masculine-amazement, you ignore the thought and punch the broken radio to express this.

Heading back, you come across a dog on the otherside of the fence. GREAT! Wallace's mother was a whore and had a litter of jerk dogs who were not given enough attention when they are puppies. Poking around you find a power room with a giant hole in the corner for absolutely no reason.

So begins: Puzzle'dom!

This article covers parts five and six:

Part 5 Part 6

Penumbra: Overture - 2

2010-11-16T09:21:00.000-08:00

The tongue was delicious. The savory tastes and flavors that held onto the muscle coated your own with a delectable passion you simply could not describe.

At least that's what would have happened if you were FUCKING INSANE. Luckily, you are not. Ignoring said lick-tool, you check out the table next to you and finally see the foretold spider of the tales you had so previously skimmed over. You nod in agreement with the author of said scriptures, classifying the spider as delicious and not blaming him for falling into temptation of dining on said arachnid.

After appreciating the wonderful sight of death and pungent odor, you decide to head back out to the mine and check out the rest of the joint.

Oh boy something howled! Surely it must be the search party which has been looking for you for the sum of the twenty minutes you've been in this mine and you rush out to greet him with open arms. PSYCHE! It's just a demon dog which wants to chew your anus ring like the jerky you had previously found in a drawer.

Once you are done hiding like a woman (read: coward) (read read: women are not cowards, cowardly women are), you head over towards the office. Resisting the urge to make an Office Space joke referring to staplers, you head on in and get your learnage on. This takes a while, you even grow some chin hair as you flick through the pages that for some STUPID reason have no pictures.

With your newly gained knowledge of all things explosive and awesome, you pick up some baxtrin and a key for something; probably a lunchbox, you don't know, and head back out to the doghouse. Poking around the darkness with your rave utensil, you find a door and, lo and behold, that key friggin' works! Convenience is awesome, you deem, as you go on in.

Having a moment of weakness, you barricade the flimsy door with two barrels. You don't question what is in the barrels, because it may be best to not know. Apple juice. There, that's what you think it is. After blocking the door with apple juice, you check out the place and head towards the nearest source of interest: a fucking dead end. But, like all dead-ends, there is a source of hope (not really) in the form of a piece of paper. The paper reads like a stupid man saying stupid things, but her capitalizes the stupidest of words and using your immense mental cavity you quickly come to the conclusion that a code of some sort is written here.

You're fucking awesome.

Looking about the place further, you soon come across a locked door with a greasy keypad. Pressing the keys in with your shirt over your finger to avoid getting your fingers dirty because you're a germaphobe, the door opens. Seriously, how amazing can you fucking be?

Inside you find a string in a box. SCORE! You also dig out a friggin' pickaxe under some boulders. YES! Then you find an electrical fence which will fry your shit if you touch it. Aw man.

After getting stuck for twelve hours and seventeen minutes, you head back out to find a motherfucking dog just hanging out. Immediately the words "Fucketh that shit, good sir." and you head back.

Finally your brain works and you come to the conclusion that hey, maybe you could jump OVER the electrically-charged fence? With this idea in your thought-process, you grab the nearest Donkey Kong projectile and start to push.

Then, your puny arms deflate to the extreme and you are blocked by none other than your arch nemesis: A plank of wood.

This article covers parts three and four:

Part 3 Part 4

Penumbra: Overture - 1

2010-11-15T08:21:00.000-08:00

Penumbra: Overture is a game made by 5 dudes in Sweden who go by the name Frictional Games.

You take the role of a man named Phillip who, although appears smart at first, is a complete delinquent. You receive a letter from your long-gone father, who obviously ran off with another woman after he found out your mother was pregnant, that insists you dispose of the contents in a box.

You know, instead of just not sending the letter to your son at all and just letting the contents of the box sit there for some poor sod to find and toss away like trash, you send your ol' boy a letter to tell him to get rid of the papers. It's like telling a kid to NOT hang out with the creepy 31 year-old neighbor with the water-slide in his backyard but has no kids of his own.

Oh, your dad is dead too.

Instead of writing your father back demanding child-support your mother rightfully deserved whilst she raised you as a single-parent, you go check out said box and find an indecipherable book and some notes leading you to the middle of nowhere in Greenland.

Obviously, it's adventure time! You book a plane and head off to buttfuck nowhere, take a boat, and realize you're probably the sort to get sea-sick.

After throwing up breakfast, you find yourself in the cabin and do your best to mess the hell out of the place by smashing booze and taking things that don't belong to you. Because you're a THIEF. Once you bust into the locker and take the captain's rave utensil, flashlight, and other assorted love-letters from his wife who probably cheats on him, you head off to Santa's workshop.

Hah! I'm just kidding. You're in a blizzard and it's making your testicles shrivel up faster than the glimpse of an old lady making passionate love to her vacuum cleaner. Once you rid yourself of the urge to have a snowball fight with yourself, and completely ignore the thought of going back to the boat where it's warm and loaded with booze, you tread forward in the torrent of snow.

Soon enough, you come across a hatch that is lodged shut due to ice. BREAK THAT SHIT WITH A ROCK. After you come down from your high mountain of manliness, you open that shit and hop down, throwing caution to the wind because you're a god damn pro.

Well shit, it's dark. Rave time! With the help of your trusty glow stick, because flashlights are for bitches, you realize you are now in a mine. Time to go find those Chilean miners!

Finding your sense of humor in bad taste, you head forward and find out the door is locked. Well breaking the ice off a hatch is manly, but breaking down a door is not, you decide to be a baby and look elsewhere. Checking out the other room you find a hammer. You immediately begin putting on a Tim Allen impersonation and get to work checking out the rest of the place.

Behind the bookcase that you throw off to the other side of the room because bookcases are for books, and books are for nerds (which you aren't), you find a hole in the wall covered by boards which you break down with your manly hammer and hope to god it's not like The Enigma of the Amigara Fault (google that shit) as you climb through, only to find a sealed cellar door on the floor.

WOAH SHIT SOMETHING BOOMED!

Not to be deterred and try to GTFO, you put together all your resources, find some flares, a stick, and penetrate a box's hole with your mighty rod and open that door with mounting courageous emotions building within you.

Hopping down the hole, you find yourself in a bigger mine. Awesome. With your trusty glow stick in hand, you venture on into the darkness of the mine and completely ignore the sense of something being with you in the darkness. Because you're a man.

Knowing that real men are right handed, you take the right pathway and find yourself at the workshop. Or maybe it's the storage room. You don't really know because you didn't read the signs, because signs are stupid. Within the place that you went to, whatever, you find an empty zippo lighter.

Fuck. Yes.

Knowing you now have one out of two things you need to get lung cancer, you look at the math on the wall and laugh at how bad the person could draw. Seriously, you could so do better. Once you finish drawing mustaches on everything drawn on the wall, and then making a joke to yourself about stupid cavepeople, you check out the other room and find a box of stones.

Stones are no match for you! You move that shit across the room to prove to yourself no one can touch you and your built physique. Hopping down the hole in the floor, because gravity can suck it, you crawl through more holes in the wall. Spiders.

Catching your breath and realizing arachnophobia is still a manly thing to have, you continue to crawl through and find paper with words written on them. You skim this shit because reading is, again, for nerds. You get the idea that some dude was holding up in here waiting for rescue. Ah shit, Chilean miners.

Oh sick, this dude ate spiders. Fast forward another vomiting session, you find steam coming from pipes. Sitting there to take a steam bath was the best idea you had until you actually did it and got fucking hurt from scalding evaporated water. Further into the hole you find a room with a locked gate.

HAH! Locked gates are no match for your Hulk Hogan impersonation, as you smash that shit down with your mighty hammer and find lighter fluid. How convenient! Oh, you turn off the steam and get a ladder to get out of the hole too, but that's not important.

As you are about to put the ladder back up to where you came from, you hear shit go down, some dude scream, and probably get killed. After chuckling to yourself how dumb that guy is, head on up and find blood smeared all over the floor and a door that used to be locked, unlocked. Further convenience. This is so your day.

In the room that's floor is painted in fresh warm stinky blood, you find a paper that mentions that weird dude totally had to cut off a non-vital organ because his spider eating habits were getting out of hand. You immediately conclude the man just had to cut off his hair because he was turning into a hippy.

Then you check out the closet of said room and find a MOTHERFUCKINGTONGUEOHGOD.

This articles covers parts one and two:

Part 1 Part 2

Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth - Final(?)

2010-11-13T08:39:00.000-08:00

"In virtual life, there are but two true horrors: power surges and bad programming."

After running into ghost girl Ramona, she runs off and leaves you in the dust. You check your pocket to make sure she didn't make off with the twenty bucks her father gave you. To your relief, she only took a five.

Carrying on, you venture further into the rose-petal scented sewers beneath the wonderful haven of Innsmouth and come upon a man devoid of a face and leaking eyeholes; obviously, you conclude with your detective instincts, this man had been the inspirational source for Lady Gaga's latest outfit to express her individuality and non-totally-fucking-insane-personality.

Once you finish looking the man's pockets of his Rolex, pack of chewing gum and a broken pencil, you head further down the dank hallways until you are met with an unearthly sight for your already scorned eyes: amotherfuckingpuzzle.

Climbing atop the pool of water you look down and realize that getting in slimey, uncleanly water was just not your style. At this prospect, you kill around half and hour bashing your fucking head against rusted pipes until you finally open up Game FAQs and realize you're an absolute idiot and need to clean the pool THEN drain it; ignore the sense of low self-confidence and subconscious wishes of courage enough to commit suicide and carry on.

Once the pool is drained you carry onward through the pipe and are met with a reject character that was to be casted in The Weather Girls' music video for It's Raining Men. One acid trip later, said reject is eaten by a giant squid. NEAT.

Because life cannot get any worse, you decide to carry on and hope for the best. You're stupid. Oh, you also realize you can walk backwards now, but that's not important, because no one cares about your emotions.

As you progress upward up the ladders of the giant well-like-thing-that-just-so-happens-to-be-riddled-with-corpses-and-hanging-bodies, your ears are met with the wonderful sounds of Ramona complaining of menstrual cramps and fear of her growing body. This is understandable; because in 1922 sex-education was not the most popular course in public schools.

Even though you just spent time climbing upward, you decide to go down again because, honestly, why the fuck not? You are then greeted by Ramona, bloodied and scarred, behind the gate as she giggles nonchalantly about the predicament she is in (you also suggest she use the five dollars she lifted from you to purchase napkins, tampons, and some soap; but that is not important). Once she is spirited away, you turn to find more ladders.

Joy! Is what you think, but Fuck! is what happens, when you climb said ladder only to be motherfuckingshot by two fools waiting for you. But fear not, as once you go back down in plain sight of the two men, they shriek in bewilderment, asking of your current location and admitting their entirely confused nature of having absolutely nofuckingidea where in Dagon's name you went.

Oh, you also black out and can't move anymore. Or you have a seizure and hit your head. Or you have a heart attack. Or your internal mind computer's explorer.exe freaks out and you forget how to ctrl+alt+del, hit new process and command explorer.exe to run.

Seriously, your shit is fucked. You cannot help the way you were born. You cannot blame anyone for your current scenario. You cannot do anything but imagine what might have been:

Up that ladder, past the two men, lie in wait a rocket pack, a 4-pack of Monster Energy drinks, and three bags of beef jerky.

Such paradise, lost, within faulty programing.

May we meet again, Bus Driver Guy, Gilman the Handsome, Zadok the Drunkard, Lady-who-walks-backwards-to-taunt-me-but-I-learned-how-to-walk-backwards-so-it's-cool-now, Ramona the Zombie, Ruth the Prostitute, and you, Mister Insane Detective.

Until then, goodbye.

This article follows part nine.

Part 9

Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth - 3

2010-11-12T20:55:00.001-08:00

Before bed, like any simple-minded person did, you wrote a log in your diary so you can remember this wonderful day; you never know when you'll get that there amnesia again you know!

After having an awesome dream about space aliens that may or may not want to probe your supple behind, you are awoken by the banging of your door. My, who could THAT be?!

Soon realizing that it's not the lady next-door who wants to tuck you in proper-like, you begin getting the fuck out of there and jump out of the window. This is, of course, after you absolutely fail horribly and redo this part 20 times because the player is awful and can't do simple parkour stuff you saw on youtube in 2005.

After breaking through the place, running through an old lady's room who may or may not have been having a heated moment with herself and Rosey Palm, you jump out ANOTHER window and make up on onto a roof of a place filled with boxes that conveniently work in your favor to guide you through to safety. Fate smiles upon you finally, as you make it down the air vent and reach the anti-christ symbol on the vent.

Then you get smacked upside the head and are confronted with further hooligans who smell of rotted cabbage that wish to keep you from your determined goal of (G)TFO. After having another possibly drug-induced freak out, your mediocre psychic abilities tell you there is a convenient hole in the ground that is not guarded by the wandering pigmen.

That's right.

The wall needed their undivided attention and NOT the 'hole' in their defenses (if you laughed at that you shall slap yourself now).

After joining your rat brethren below the floor boards, you make it up into a nice locked room and the majority of the guards run off to find you elsewhere. Perfect timing!

You break out of the storehouse and move like Solid Snake through the alleyways and avoid their all-not-seeing-because-they-are-blind eyes until you hear the sound of someone imitating a stunt they probably saw on Jackass.

Walking into the tower-like structure you see a man lying on the floor, the life taken from him, as his friend calls him an uneducated sort and ignores his death for the rest of your good hearted chat. He tells you of the sewers and that it is filled with horrors not of this earth, but you do NOT care, as you are fucking AWESOME!

Mustering up even more amazing courage, you find a jalopy, at least you think it is a jalopy because automobiles are just a fad and you don't care to learn their names properly, and hop in the back as it rides down the street like a badass. The smelly assailants watch longingly as you sit in the back, the car rolling down the street at a stunning 3 miles an hour, the look of envious rage burning in their cornea as they wish they were as cool as you, or at least Bus Driver Guy.

After crashing and somehow not having a pipe skewered through you in the mess of wood and metal, you scurry like a rat around until you break into the sewer through the fan your ill-minded self keeps smashing into because it's just so god damn pretty and you needed to touch a spinning blade.

Upon entering, you get your boots wet and are met with a familiar, and awesome sight, of the long-lost Ramona Flowers.

Maybe now you two can start your art gallery together.

This article covers parts seven and eight.

Part 7 Part 8

Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth - 2

2010-11-12T20:52:00.000-08:00

Innsmouth is full of colorful people and good times, if you're into that sort of thing.

As you step foot in the town you notice one thing and one thing only: This place stunk to high heaven.

No joke, you swear you smell a hint of horseradish and dogshit on a constant 24/7 basis; but that's okay, because in 1922 personal hygiene was nothing but a fad that would pass just like the automobile. Seriously, it's just a fad everybody.

After an awkward gaze exchange between the Bus Driver Guy, you head into the hotel of Innsmouth and try not to say the Inn of Innsmouth because someone else already copyrighted it and would sue your ass SO HARD; here you meet Gilman, the cool guy of the town.

Seriously, this guy has more style than Bus Driver Guy's bus had fleas. After getting wicked jealous and accepting your second-place role in life, you move on with your case and go mingle with the townsfolk. Everyone is pretty well and decent, aside from the fact they are all total dicks and refuse to talk to you. But that's okay, because prejudice during the 20's was perfectly normal and nothing a few cigs wouldn't remedy.

Heading down a dark alley you come upon the single-most amazing person you will ever fucking meet. No one is as incredible as this man, except Gilman in terms of looks, and that is: Zadok Allen. You exchange kind greetings and find his lack of decency to be most charming and unique, and even a tad daring (the scamp!).

After being quested with the task of providing him further booze, you head out to the streets once again and find the mademoiselle Ruth Billingham working the street corner. After failing to convince her to give you a discount, you are told to GTFO of town by tonight (obviously to avoid stealing her business).

Then you get FUCKING LOST for 20 minutes.

After pulling the stupid stick out of your behind you realize you forgot entirely that you're here on a job, not to talk to prostitutes and silly drunk men. At this conclusion, you pull on your Solid Snake cosplay outfit and sneak into the General Store your client's buddy used to work at. Booze are foun and your willpower kicks in top gear as you somehow DON'T drink it all in your fit of weakened alcoholic state. Oh, you also can't climb ladders because your hand-eye coordination is shit.

So, after falling through a cellar door you bust through a wall like The Hulk and find ammo for a gun you don't have, probably to chew on the bullets because they taste salty and delicious. Then you find a hanging lady and CRASH HARD.

After waking up from your crash, you find the lady again then continue on to find some random dude who you don't even fucking know but have a totally chill conversation with. You forget about him within 10 seconds with your goldfish-like brain and continue on. Zadok gets his booze and you get a key to a poor people's house. LUCKY YOU! Time to frolic about with more stinky people poorer than you are ugly, which is pretty ugly.

Oh, there's also some kind of monster thing following you on the rooftops. No biggy.

After you get to the poor house you ignore the lady with nasal congestion issues and look at old people dead covered in maggots, because that's awesome. Leaving the poor house through the back you find this old bag who has a posture that is rivaled only by Hunchback of Notre Dame who taunts you by walking backwards. This taboo leaves a great scar within you, and you write down in your mental journal to fuck her shit later.

You suddenly realize the power of knocking on a door and do just that. Ramona Flowers's little kid form answers the door and, after awkwardly talking to her, you check out her place while she colors pictures of insurmountable horror with crayons; she's a sweetheart with a mommy who bites.

Knowing this, you go upstairs and open locked doors, because after being in a jail-like situation for so long you have a certain phobia for locked doors and let mommykins out to WTFROCK her daughter. Good job, dick. You just got a little girl killed. Sure it burst through the door and you only opened up the small panel to look into the room, but you're going to take the heat for this one, guy.

After waking up from your awesome nap you talk to your client who is totally just hanging out with his dead daughter and not crying over her mauled body, and gives you a key to his store and tells you to get his book from upstairs which you already took because you're a FUCKING THIEF.

Then the cops bust in and yoink him off to jail. You don't have any idea how they already knew the girl was dead and that he did it, but all you know is he took the heat and you will live with guilt for the rest of your days. Good job, man. You got off scott-free!

After talking to the prostitute once more who you don't care about anymore aside from her body, you head to the guy's store and come across a hot dame. Actually she's mildly okay, but your standards are low so anything will do at this point. After interrogating her on her reasons for being there, she tells you some shit and you really don't know why and for some reason you offer your services.

No seriously you have no fucking idea why, you just do it. It's how you roll.

Then you spend 30+ minutes wondering what the balls the combination to the safe is whilst not even bothering to glance at the book your client told you to get. After you finally put your Hooked on Phonics skills to the test, you realize the combination was the birthday of his now dead daughter. What an original guy!

Within the safe you find the Book of Dagon, which is apparently something the Dagon guys don't want you having because it holds indecent pictures of the head priests within its pages. Once you're done being disgusted by this, you head outside and realize you're tired. You've worked hard today and deserve a good rest!

Heading into the hotel you overhear the Bus Driver Guy and Brad Pitt impersonator talking about not letting you leave the town. Well shucks, that's no good! So you go in and play "I know nothing lol!" and ask for a room. Then, mister awesome cop comes in and takes Gilman for a moment to talk about their latest poker game, you have an acid trip and realize the key to the backroom is behind the front desk. Using this newfound knowledge you investigate and find an awesome book filled with awesome words about killing people and making bones not be in someone's body. It's seriously good literature.

Then you get to your room and go sleepy time because, well, there's no late-night Comedy Central shows in the 1920's.

This article covers parts three to six

Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth - 1

2010-11-12T20:50:00.000-08:00

Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth is a game created by Headfirst Productions, in which you take the role of Detective John Walters.

I know.

His name is pretty amazing.

You begin the game smoking a cigarette to emphasize how amazing you are, and soon find yourself in the middle of a police versus cult shoot-out where you rightfully don't give a damn who dies. You're just that amazing. As you make your way through the house, passed the dead bodies and cultist mumbo-what have you, you find your way to the underground lair of sorts.

Obviously this is where they have their cock fights.

Upon further inspection, you come across a morgue and a guy hooked up to some machine. That guy, however, has his organs in machines instead of in his meat sack and he's obviously in total comfort and bliss and NOT in extruciating pain.

After pulling the plug, you come across a Star Gate SG1 knock-off that just so happens to have MOTHERFUCKINGALIENGIANTS coming out of it and asking you for some soup.

Flash forward 6 years and you're sitting at a detective's desk, smoking another fag, as you reminisce about how you lost your memory for 5+ years and were apparently in an insane asylum; you know, because insane people should be detectives.

John receives a call, some money, and a case he will then accept out of sheer boredom because he was just going to be in his office breathing in polynuclear aromatic hydrocarbons (aka cancer circus).

The case is a simple 'Yo sup my friend's missing-you get that package I sent ya?' located in the awesome, robust town of Innsmouth (ins-muth (not ins-mouth, dumbass))

With the probably fifteen dollars in hand the cat gave you, you're on your way to the bustling town via bus driven by one of THE coolest personalities in Innsmouth: Bus Driver Guy.

And so begins the adventures of John Walters and the good folk of Innsmouth.

The hotel keeper is also kind of a dick, too.

This article covers parts 1 and 2.

Part 1 Part 2