Crying Out Now

Relapsed and Scared

noreply@blogger.com (One Crafty Mother) — Tue, 21 May 2013 12:47:00 +0000

I'm back.

I posted here very early on, back in 2010, when i was trying to quit drinking and this board and the people on it really helped me.

To tell you a bit about myself. I'm in my forties and i live in Toronto. My dad was a heavy drinker and so was his mother. My dad quit about twenty-five years ago and has been sober since. There's a similar pattern of addiction on my mother's side, several of her brothers drank. Two of them had terrible accidents while under the influence. My mum is anti-drinking, and a very caring person but am convinced she is a workaholic.

I never drank, not a drop, having seen the damage it did to my father. At its worst his drinking got so bad he was having paranoid hallucinations and his doctor told my mother he would be dead within six weeks if he didn't check into a secluded rehab facility. He'd tried so many times to quit but failed. Partly because my family is so good at addiction: My dad, the drinker, married my mum, the enabler and had three control-freaky children, me, my sister and my brother.

"I never drank, not a drop, " is really a lie. Not a lie exactly, more of a forgetfulness. I had forgotten the first time i got drunk was the first time i had something to drink. It was at Christmas, at home. I think i was around 17. I drank so much i gave myself a hang over that lasted, with full intensity for three days. I should have known i was an alcoholic then because 1) right from the get-go, i had no interest in having just one glass of anything. I wanted all of it and 2) after the first sociable, ' christmas' drink, i knew, probably from having seen my dad all those years, how to sneakily imbibe the additional. I was drinking like an alcoholic right out of the drinking gate.

I felt so awful, physically, after my first time, i wasn't tempted to drink again for years. I was a total teetotaller through two undergrad degrees and many job and life-changes in my twenties and early thirties.

In my mid thirties i went back to school to get my masters. This was about the time news came out that scientists thought a glass of red wine a day would be a good thing. I found school stressful. (In truth i have always found life to be stressful.) and i found it relaxing and pleasurable to drink a glass of good red on a Friday evening and for many months it really was only one glass once a week. But by the end of the school year it had increased, maybe a bottle a week.

it still seemed manageable although once in a while, out of the blue i would binge. It was like i almost needed to, like the restraint was a leash that was choking me and i had rip it off me.

Long story short i steadily drank wine and beer for the next six years. I knew, from watching my dad i had a problem. when i started to feel helpless about my ability to stop (even ONE day no alcohol was impossible for me) i went to an AA meeting. This was the time Stefanie was appearing on talk shows, talking about her decision to quit. She was so easy to listen to i found myself paying attention. Here was someone witty, sweet, balanced (not a rabid anti-drinker on a mission) just a mum, wife, friend and someone who if i saw in my life, id probably want to be friends with her.

I was able, through AA, my sponsor, Stefanie's blog and this board to stop drinking for one year, three months and several days.

Now, sadly, i am in relapse and my lack of ability to stop drinking is frightening me again. Worse than this is that i am drinking and trying to be a single mother to my eighteen month old little boy. I hate myself for doing this but i can't stop. I'm crying as i write this.

I want to stop for good this time but i don't know if i can. I don't know if anyone is still reading to the end of this extremely long post but thanks if you are.

Falling Hurts

noreply@blogger.com (One Crafty Mother) — Fri, 17 May 2013 17:00:00 +0000

***Submitted by Anonymous

I should know by now that falling hurts.

So how did I manage to fall so many times?

The simple answer was, that I don't remember. I'd have blacked out. Who knows what I'd gotten up to or where I'd been. I was 15. I'd managed to hide it from my parents, siblings, friends. The ones who saw me drunk loved how I'd keep up with the boys, drink for drink. But pretty soon just getting drunk wasn't enough, I'd throw in any prescription drugs or non prescription drugs for that matter, if I'm going to tell the story then I best be truthful with myself and tell it all.

I remember those years as school and then drunk. I'd behave throughout the week, then get mothered as I used to put it all weekend. I can't remember my weekends from 15 - 18 years old.

At 18, I went all grown up. Sobered up, got myself a respectful job, a car, a boyfriend and things were pretty good. Most of the time I would 'behave' but then I'd have some pretty big binge drinking blowouts. But it was all in good humor, good fun and I was safe... Right??????

Fast forward to the birth of my first daughter (aged 25) I was the picture perfect mum, doting, loving, sober - and that was a choice I made so I could breastfeed for as long as possible.

I had another daughter 3 and a half years later, again I was loving, doting and sober, in and for the children's best interests.

Once I stopped breast feeding I was allowed to drink again. I wasn't going to hurt the kids but having a wine so it was full steam ahead.

I'd have a social wine - I didn't like wine, so then I moved onto vodka. Well it was like finding an old long lost friend and we got right back into the swing of things.

I went out very few times a year due to the fact that I was a stay-at-home Mom, but when I did..... Well there would always be stories:

Like the time I was staying in a hotel of a casino with my husband. I drunk 2 bottles of wine and quite a few cocktails during the night... He tucked me into bed and went down to catch up with his mates..... I slept a bit but then began throwing up, all over myself and the bed I was in. I can remember thinking to myself - blow it out, you can't swallow it, don't breath it, spit it out.

I gave my husband the worst fright that night, friends came in and stripped me off, changed the bed, made me well. In the morning we met for breakfast with our friends. They knew how ill I'd been but cheered me on for "living to tell the tale".

It was the Christmas work function, an all you can drink, eat and party kinda night.

Luckily for me some of the people at the function center that night were nurses.

I was right into the swing of things, dancing, drinking, shots, dancing and fun fun fun. The room got a bit blurry, so I went to sit down at the table. A few minutes later I was vomiting over everything, everywhere. I became non responsive, my eyeballs rolled to the back of my head, I had my employees holding my head up and hair out of my face/vomit. My ride soon arrived and I left......and was admitted to hospital. The ambulance personnel had to cut me out of my clothes, (with my husbands permission). My breathing was so shallow, heartbeat irregular and to be truthful I don't recall a thing of it at all. I was woken every half hour, given 5 bags of fluids, and allowed a short time to sleep. My husband and children came the next morning to take me home. I had to tell the kids that I'd bumped my head and that was why I was in hospital.

There were many lows to that day, all are scorched into my pride. I swore I would never ever drink like that again.

A week later I took my youngest daughter to see my GP. After we had sorted out her problem (ear infection). He then turned to me, and said that he was going to call me anyway so he'll just say it now..... He had my hospital notes, my blood alcohol level was .53

I should have been dead.

There was no nice way to put it.

Sober I became, till the next time.

I sat at a friends house, I felt like my husband no longer wanted to be with me, he was always out with his mates drinking and having fun. I was stuck at home with the kids, so went to my mates house for a quick drink.

It was a very quick one. It hardly even touched the sides, so we had another, another, another,another, another, another, My kids went to bed at her house, safe, happy and well.

So we had another, another, another, another, another.... Then I went quiet, the room spun and I vomited all over her expensive carpet.

My husband came to get me, we went home in his taxi that bought him to me. I stumbled inside,

Got undressed and went to have a shower. Hubby climbed into bed to sleep. Three hours later hubby is yelling at me to wake up, I've collapsed in the shower and blocked the plug hole.... So thats another time I could have died through a binge drinking session, and to make things worse I'd flooded my house!!!! I spent the next four hours trying to get the water out of the Carpet. In the end I had to call the insurance company.... Lesson learned, you'd think...

I opened the mail the other week, and there was a beautiful invitation to our friends wedding overseas.... Woohoo I thought. Holiday!!!!!

But then I started thinking, and thinking, and thinking some more. Holiday + relaxing + booze= nearly dead.

And that was when I realized that I can't have a single drink ever again. EVER

That was 1st May, 2013

Who Am I?

noreply@blogger.com (One Crafty Mother) — Mon, 13 May 2013 12:51:00 +0000

***Submitted by Anonymous

I think I’m an alcoholic.

Just typing that word makes me cry and shake. They say that if you think you have a problem, you probably do.

I drink too much. Almost nightly and one bottle quickly becomes another and then I have a hangover the next morning and feel guilty and promise myself I’ll do it again. I’ll never pour that glass of wine, not even one.

That’s a lie. I lie to myself.

I throw the bottles away wrapped in newspaper to hide them. I’m so ashamed. My husband knows I drink but I’m certain he has no clue just how much. I’ve reached out and said I think I’m sick, I think I need help, I think I have a problem. My family tells me I’m fine. My husband says don’t buy it anymore.

If it were only that easy!

I ask myself why I drink. I talk to myself as I’m driving to the store even asking why over and over. Drinking numbs me. It makes me feel giddy when I’m not. It helps me loosen up and talk to my husband because otherwise I probably wouldn’t talk much to him. Drinking relaxes me and allows me to enjoy sex or do more in bed then I ordinarily would. I think my husband likes for me to drink because of this. I drink to ease my mind. I feel so much pressure, so much stress and anxiety. The expectations are too much some days. I drink to forget stuff and not feel guilty but in the end I feel worse.

I always feel worse.

Drinking has led me down bad paths of saying stuff I shouldn’t. Hurting people’s feeling and yes making people think I’m not the good person that I know I am.

I am a good person; I did not always drink like this so why do I do it now? What in the Sam hell is wrong with me and where did I go? How can I get back to my old self again?

So here I am saying I think I’m an alcoholic or at least I abuse alcohol. I’m not sure where to turn. Who to call or what to do because the shame and judgment is something I am so fearful of. I do not know how to function in social settings without the drink or how I’ll say no. People know me for loving my wine. For it making me funny, talkative and happy go lucky. Would my husband, my friend and family love me the same without it? I wonder now because it seems so weaved into who I am now that I don’t know how to separate from it.

I need support, guidance and that’s why I’m here because I’m not sure where else to go. I don’t want to hit rock bottom but I see that the bottom could be near if I’m not careful or don’t make a change.

It’s time for a change before it’s too late.

Today I am making the change because I simply cannot feel like this again tomorrow or the day after that.

I want my old self back.

20 Days Sober

noreply@blogger.com (One Crafty Mother) — Tue, 07 May 2013 19:18:00 +0000

***Submitted by Anonymous

This is my 20th day sober.

For many reasons I decided it was time to quit drinking. Going to alcoholics anonymous has helped, but this week I've been struggling with the thought of NEVER drinking again. I'm only 21 years old and the thought of saying I'm never going to do something again seems kind of ridiculous to me.

I just feel like that just because at this point in my life I've had problems with alcohol, who says that will always be the case?

I went through with the first step in AA, to admit that I am powerless over alcohol. But all of a sudden I'm questioning myself. Who says I am powerless? Everybody around me? Am I admitting this only because I feel like its what I'm supposed to do?

What if after a year of sobriety I decide I want to drink a couple glasses of wine or a beer? Or what if I end up deciding that I never want to drink again?

All of these questions have been flooding my brain today after meeting with my sponsor. I guess the best advice she gave me was to live for today and in the present moment.

So I guess the best I can do is not worry about tomorrow, or where I'll be in a year from now and do what I feel is right for today...

For today I choose to be sober.　

At The Starting Line - A Mom Speaks Her Truth

noreply@blogger.com (One Crafty Mother) — Thu, 02 May 2013 18:14:00 +0000

***Submitted by Anonymous

I was raised with alcohol. From a very young age my dad would give me wine with dinner. We had a very full wine cellar in our house and as a teenager I would swipe bottles and drink them with my friends.

College was great fun, tons of parties, drinking every weekend. Lots of hangovers but I still made dean's list every semester.

Moved to New York to work an awful teaching job, started going to happy hour 2 to 3 days a week, and drinking well past that hour. Generally would miss at least one day of work a month because I was too hungover to get out of bed. And it continued like that for the next several years. My drinking was manageable, but it was an unhealthy amount and I hated that I wanted it so much.

Then I found out I was pregnant. Over 2 months along by the time I finally found out (had always had very irregular periods) and spent the rest of my pregnancy sober but in an absolute panic about the amount of alcohol I had drank before I knew. It was a lot. I was convinced my baby would be deformed or retarded or have fetal alcohol syndrome... I remember praying to God and telling him that if he let my baby be ok I would never touch another drop of alcohol... and I really thought I meant it. Well, he was born perfect.

He is now a beautiful and very smart 21-month-old. Within 3 weeks of his birth I was drinking again. Not too much because I was nursing. By the time he was 6 months old he was drinking bottles. And I started drinking bottles. Staying at home with my little guy was great but it gave me ample opportunity to get my drinking to an entirely unmanageable level.

It used to be one bottle of wine a night. Now it's a bottle of wine before my husband gets home and then a bottle when he's home. It's awful. It's not every night, but I can't go more than 3 or 4 nights without. It makes me hate myself so much and feel so guilty for being such a loser. My son deserves so much better, and as much as I know that and want to change for him, I just can't.

I wake up after a drinking night and the thoughts going through my head are always the same: This is it, I'm done, I'm going to Alcoholics Anonymous, I'm going to get sober. But a few days later the urge to drink kicks in and it's so strong and I try to fight it but it's too much. And I love drinking. Sitting outside, watching my son play, drinking the first of my many drinks is wonderful, makes me feel so happy and relaxed.

Thanks for reading, makes me feel a little better to admit to somebody how much I drink. Not even my husband knows that by the time he comes home I'm on my second bottle.

My friends don't know, my family doesn't know. But now you readers all know and it's kind of liberating.

Reaching for Recovery Through Grief and Stress

noreply@blogger.com (One Crafty Mother) — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 14:08:00 +0000

***Submitted by Anonymous:

Dear Crying Out Now,

It is 4 in the morning and I can't sleep. My husband refuses to talk or look at me. He has always wanted me to reach out to someone and found your blog months ago. Of course, I didn't feel I needed to until now.

I am 45 years old & a stay at home mom for 2 wonderful boys ages 13 & 9. My husband is in sales and travels about 2 weeks every month. We have been married for 12 years.

I have been struggling with alcohol for over 3 years and about 1 1/2 years ago I entered as an outpatient at a rehab center.

I finished the program after 6 months of attending and was doing really good. During that time I was attending AA meetings and I found them to be really depressing. So I never went back because I thought I was strong enough to do this on my own.

Over the past year I have been drinking. I love my husband & children and would do everything & anything I could for them. I love being a wife and mom, but struggle with not feeling like I am good enough. I realize drinking does not help me feel any better about myself and does not help things here at home. So why can't I stop drinking for them?

Two weeks ago my father past away after 6 months of suffering with lung cancer. I knew he wasn't going to get any better.

I know he is no longer suffering and is in a better place. It just really hurts. My Dad wouldn't have wanted to see me ruining my life so why can't I stop for him?

I can't think straight all due to my poor choices. Do you have any advice? I truly don't want to lose my husband or my children!

Shining Strong

noreply@blogger.com (One Crafty Mother) — Sat, 20 Apr 2013 13:20:00 +0000

Hello Everyone - It's Ellie, Founder of Crying Out Now.

I have an exciting announcement to make! As of April 4, 2013, Crying Out Now is officially part of a non-profit corporation called Shining Strong.

This is exciting for several reasons, not the least of which is it enables us to pursue sponsorships, grants and other forms of revenue to help grow our mission - helping women who struggle with drinking, early sobriety, or who are sober and want to stay that way.

Up until this point this website has been funded by me. I have reached the limits of what I can do on my own and forming Shining Strong as a non-profit corporation enables me to take an important first steps in finding additional revenue sources for CON.

As many of you know, I have two jewelry businesses: Shining Stones and Two Little Birds Studio. I'm happy to announce that these two businesses are now officially under the legal non-profit umbrella of Shining Strong, and as such all proceeds from these businesses go directly to fund Crying Out Now and my other site - an internet talk show/podcast with the same mission as Crying Out Now, called The Bubble Hour. The Bubble Hour airs weekly on Sunday nights at 9pm EST, 8pm Central, 7pm Mountain and 6pm Pacific. It already has over 35,000 downloads (after only a few months in existence) and is growing exponentially. The Bubble Hour is also now under the non-profit corporation Shining Strong.

Effective immediately, the proceeds from any jewelry you purchase from either of my businesses goes 100% towards funding these two important sites. This gives readers and/or listeners another way to support the mission of Shining Strong and get a beautiful piece (or pieces) of jewelry as well!

We also have a way to contribute directly - you can see the widget on our right hand sidebar (WePay) and you can contribute any amount. Every little bit helps so much. In order to grow these sites (and even to maintain them) our costs are growing as well (happily, as it means our message is spreading). If you or someone you love has benefited from CON or The Bubble Hour we gratefully accept your contribution in the form of a direct payment or purchasing jewelry from either store.

The impact of what we're doing here is already being felt on a global level; we get emails from all around the world from women who say they thought they were alone, the only ones suffering and stuck in the grips of alcoholism. The first step towards sobriety for many women is to submit a post here, or read the brave and beautiful words on this site, or listen to the stories on The Bubble Hour. We are humbled and honored to be part of helping people help themselves take that brave step and find freedom from addiction.

There are other ways you can help, too, that aren't monetary. Leaving comments is HUGE. Women who pour their truths onto this site get so much support and comfort from your words. Spreading the word about Shining Strong, CON and The Bubble Hour on your FB pages or Twitter pages helps, too. Just in the past month our readership has almost tripled, thanks mostly to the grass-roots efforts of readers like you.

You can also leave a testimonial (anonymously or with a pseudonym if you wish) on Shining Strong's website by clicking here. This helps us demonstrate the impact we're having to potential sponsors or donors. You can read these testimonials (get a tissue ready) by clicking on the "comment" button below the online form.

Lastly, you can purchase my book (see the right hand side bar for a preview) Let Me Get This Straight, (click to go to my book's homepage) which chronicles my own alcoholism and recovery, the death of my father, my cancer journey and funny/poignant stories of motherhood and life. The proceeds from any purchase of the book (pdf version available for PCs, eBook version for Apple products and also a softcover edition) ALL go directly to funding Shining Strong.

Below is a video that highlights the mission of Shining Strong, which was named in honor of my father, Jonathan Strong, who passed away suddenly in June 2011. My Dad taught me many, many things, but first and foremost was the importance of giving back to the communities you serve. I would not be sober today if it weren't for the compassion and love given to me by other recovering women, and these sites (and my personal blog) are my way of giving back a debt I couldn't repay in a thousand lifetimes.

So please watch the video, help us spread the word by facebooking or tweeting this post, leave a comment, purchase some jewelry (follow the links above to go to my store(s)) or contribute directly (we are not yet a 501(c)3 - that is our next step but it involves a fair amount of money and time - so these contributions are not yet tax deductible, but we're getting there).

Thank you, from the bottom of our hearts, for all you do - to the brave story-tellers, to the compassionate commenters, and to all of you who help us spread the word. Together we are a light in the darkness; a light that grows brighter every. single. day.

One story at a time.

A Nurse Reaches Out For Help

noreply@blogger.com (One Crafty Mother) — Sun, 14 Apr 2013 00:18:00 +0000

***Submitted by Anonymous

So this is my issue- I'm a new nurse and work the 3-11 shift.

I know I will be wired when I get home from running for the whole time at work.

I have trouble sleeping as it is and being by myself all amped when I get home doesn't help so I stop and get a 6 pack on my way home so I can wind down.

I think the fact that I have no one to talk to doesn't help so I'm self medicating and I'm well aware of how unhealthy this is. I say to myself every day I'm not going to pick up beer, but after a crazy shift (which it always is in some way or another) I always do.

Its not like I get wasted and I'm never hungover and I function at work great, but why do I always do it? I drink the 6 pack eat something and go to bed wake up 2 hours before my shift and have never been late for work. I feel like its more of an issue because I compulsively do it and spend $10 a day $50 a week $200 a month (which is a car payment).

How do I stop?

An on the weekends I go a little crazy when I know I have the next day off and then sleep a good amount of the day and don't get what I need done.

Please help I'm at a loss and I can;t do AA.

Young Mother Needs Help

noreply@blogger.com (One Crafty Mother) — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 18:32:00 +0000

***Submitted by Anonymous

I am a 25 year old single mother of the most stunningly beautiful and smart 3 year old little girl. I love being a mom and nothing brings me greater joy than my daughter, I am a bit obsessed with her to say the least. Becoming a mother has changed me for the better and given me a new sense of hope and purpose...or so I thought. I was on the longest high after the birth of my daughter and once I started making some familiar mistakes and getting some feelings of depression.

I have suffered from severe depression since I was about 12 and it also runs heavily in my family as well as alcoholism. Both my grandfathers were alcoholics and committed suicide. I've talked to numerous therapists, been in both inpatient and outpatient hospital programs and been taking anti-depressants. I feel as though I am on a roller coaster when it comes to being depressed, highs, lows and just maintaining. I have also struggled with an eating disorder and body dismorphic disorder. I got into some trouble as a teen with alcohol, getting 3 MIP's (minor in possession). I have so many regrets throughout my adolescence dealing with promiscuity that 99% of the time I hardly recall and alcohol is to blame every single time.

I have worked in the bar/restaurant scene since I was 15, the atmosphere is toxic. Once I became a bartender the temptation was always there and right in my grasp. I found myself sneaking shots whenever I could to "help bring my personality out" and making work seem less like work. I don't get to go out with friends and getting pregnant when I was 21 has got me thinking I am trying to make up for "loss time".

I hit an all time low when I got pulled over on the side of the highway performing sobriety tests. I was giggling and blowing it off because I was drunk, unaware of the severe consequences I was about to face. I sobered up real quick when I found myself locked up in a jail cell the night I got a DUI. I felt like the worst mother in the entire world. If I had killed myself I would have robbed my daughter of her mother whom she adores let alone if I took an innocents persons life. I would have to live with that my entire life more than likely behind bars again, robbing my daughter of her mother. I don't want my daughter to ever have to suffer because of my poor decisions and self destructive behavior.

I wound up getting fired recently from my job that I loved as a bartender from my boyfriend's uncle's bar....I drank so much I passed out right at work, while on the clock, twice. I am mortified to ever talk to his family again let alone see them. My boyfriend was extremely upset with my reckless behavior and was actually ashamed of me warning me if some major changes don't happen we can't be together.

I let down and disappointed so many people including myself. I am about 5' and 95 lbs, my body is just unable to consume that much alcohol and I forget how small I am when I try to keep up with the pace of everyone else's drinking.

I don't drink daily but almost every time I drink, I drink until I blackout. This is highly unacceptable on so many levels but the main one being I am a mother. I hold myself to an impossible standard when it comes to parenting because I am the ONLY one she has so I try to be perfect. When I make a mistake I beat myself up relentlessly and turn to drinking because I feel like a failure, worthless, unproductive. It is easier to numb those torturous feelings and thoughts.

I am embarrassed of my actions and inability to control my alcohol use, but more embarrassed to admit my problem although I know others are already aware of it. I don't like the thought of completely giving up alcohol I just want to be able to control the amount I drink. I drink way too much way too fast. I mess up because I drink and I drink because I mess up. I have chosen not to bar-tend any longer to avoid putting myself in these situations. I recently decided to stop buying alcohol for my home.

I don't want this problem to take control of my life and want to be the best mom I can be. I am in my own way.

I'm not sure what the next step is from here....

5 Days Sober

noreply@blogger.com (One Crafty Mother) — Thu, 28 Mar 2013 13:54:00 +0000

***Submitted by Anonymous

I am a 37 year old women, with a gorgeous, mischievous 12 year old daughter. We live with my partner of three years (whom I love and adore) and his two younger daughters (whom I love and adore) also live with us for 4 days a week.

I had my first drink when I was 14 years old, it ended in me completely blacking out and not remembering much about it except projectile vomiting down a staircase. In these teenage years I was a binge drinker, all my friends were doing it - it was the "norm", the cool thing to do on a Friday and Sat night. This continued right through my years at university - binge drinking, often blacking out, causing chaos to my soul - resulting in me taking several unsuccessful attempts to end my own life.

After completing my degree and becoming a qualified health professional, when I was 25 I had my beautiful daughter - when she was 6 months old I left her father who had become physically abusive towards me. I became a single full time working mother. My drinking was controlled to a point - I wouldn't drink everyday, maybe once a week,but almost always to the point I would black out, not remember things - my family and friends would love to relive my every embarrassing actions to me.

Every time I drank I would wake up with a feeling of complete doom. It is almost too hard for me to even write about the feelings I would wake up with the next morning, the anxiety, the absolute self-hatred I cant explain. At this time anyway. I managed to hold down a great job, I was very passionate about, and care and love for my daughter. Because of the self-loathing and loneliness, once my daughter was in bed I started drinking alone at night. I thought it helped stop the terrible thoughts in my mind, it helped give me the courage to ring friends and chat - like i was a happy bubbly confident person, it helped me feel like I was "worth loving".....until of course the next morning. And so the spiral began.

Throughout this time I had several serious relationships and this is hard for me to admit but I have to be honest to myself and I know they basically ended because of my drinking - my self-sabotage - my feeling I didn't deserve to be loved.

Two years ago I broke every bone in my ankle and spent two weeks in hospital - I slipped over when i had been drinking. I remember crawling across the lounge floor to get to the phone to call an ambulance, because even though I was drunk as a skunk, the pain was indescribable. I waited hours and hours for the ambulance. I should've rung my family - but I didn't want them to know I'd been drinking and I didn't want their disappointed faces in my mind. I also remember many many mornings especially in the last 6 months waking up with bruises and cuts etc, etc due to my drinking binges and me falling over or walking into an open cupboard and on and on it goes. I have also battled depression anxiety over the last 15 years.

Anyway I could write pages and pages and pages about my drinking, but I won't.

Last year I was caught driving under the influence, it was the only time I'd ever done it and lost my license for eight months. I hate myself for this and continued to punish myself for this by continuing to drink. Sounds stupid and weak and pathetic doesn't it. Due to losing my license I lost my job ( which I was good at and very passionate about). I was never a person that had a drink everyday, or in the mornings, and there were times when my partner and I had a few drinks and had enjoyable times. But the bad times outweighed the good times, and I don't like how it makes me feel about myself, how I wake up hating myself. I know it sounds dramatic, but it is destroying my soul and I want to be sober, I never want to drink again because I want the opportunity to begin to forgive myself, to love myself, to be the best mad, happy, crazy, sober person I can be for me, for my daughter, for my partner and for my Mum and Dad.

Anyway sorry for rambling - Today I am 5 days sober.

Thank you for listening and any advice, information, words you have to offer will be greatly appreciated and absorbed with much anticipation and love.

Today The Guilt Is Tearing Me Up. Day 3.

noreply@blogger.com (One Crafty Mother) — Sat, 23 Mar 2013 15:38:00 +0000

***Submitted by Anonymous

Today is 3 day sober.

I know I am alcoholic. This is the 2nd time that I have tried to stop drinking. The first time I went for 29 days without a single drop (Dec 2012). I am 33 years old, 3 kids (13, 6, and 4) and married to an amazing husband. I am depressed, crying, feeling guilty about EVERYTHING, etc.....

The reason I have stopped drinking this time is because I had to work on St Patrick's day. (I work in a bar/restaurant). Met my coworkers at the neighboring bar and consume 4 drinks in a 40 min span and went off to work. During my work hours I continued to do car bombs, etc. I got totally drunk.

Drank more after work and came home to my family. Monday~ feeling pretty crappy about it I received a text from my boss telling me he needs to have a meeting with me. I know I am just going to get a slap on the hand from him, but still.

So this is the end of my drinking story but let me tell you about the beginning. I love to drink....makes me feel powerful.

I started drinking at the age of sixteen. I even was named the "biggest partier" in my senior year. College was a mess...went to a Christian College that didn't allow drinking and I did to the point that I am no longer in contact with any of them. I was there for 2 years.

Partied with drugs and booze nonstop that I failed all of my classes. Jump a few years that include a horrible ex husband and a kid on my hip. Moved around the country and finally came back to my home town. Had a little bit of control until I met my future husband who also loved to party (until he grew out of it) We got married had two more kids. Had a great job and then decided to be a stay at home mom full time. Now I thought it would be okay to have a glass of wine while the kids played which led to multiple bottles in one day. Fast forward 6 years.

I hide booze from my husband constantly, I start to drink around noon on some days 2:30 on others. I have had so many black outs since the end of January. I can drink anything straight out of the bottle and before I know it the whole bottle is GONE. I even have drank dry sherry to the last drop.

I have had conversations with my kids, husband, family, friend and cannot recall any of the topics that were discussed. I have read some of the posts on your blog and it all sounds like I have written them.

I put my older brother through rehab and he is back to drinking again. My whole family drinks to excess except for my mother.

I make the dumbest mistakes when I am tanked and the next day the guilt is horrible. I do not want to go to AA for my own reasons.

Just wanted to tell someone. Today the guilt is tearing me up.

Young Mother Struggled with Pills, Now Alcohol.

noreply@blogger.com (One Crafty Mother) — Tue, 19 Mar 2013 14:42:00 +0000

***Submitted by Anonymous

I am a 32 year old woman who is married with 4 children all under the ages of 11.

Two are technically step sons but we have full custody which wasn't what I expected to happen when I married my husband nearly 7 years ago. They are better with us and I love them. My whole life I have done things fast, wanted things to work out a certain way.

So when I announced that I was buying a home, moving in with my now fiancee and his two boys, after only 6 short months no one was too surprised I immediately wanted a baby of my own, and within two years had a little girl and a little boy. My husband worked nights as a bartender and I worked days as a special education teacher. So we rarely spent any time together, and I began to resent my lone responsibility every night taking care of 4 kids while trying to write lesson plans.

My addiction didn't begin with alcohol, instead it started after two foot surgeries and an endless supply of lortabs. At first, I took them as directed, but it wasn't long until I craved them. I remember telling my husband I was a better mother, housekeeper with my pills. It became an obsession for me. I was always counting how many I had left, and trying to figure out how to get more. I did things that am incredibly ashamed of at one point stealing my dying grandfathers percocets.

Through it all I thought I was functioning just fine, I had my pills all day and a few glasses of wine at night which "helped me sleep". One night, I drank entirely too much and took too many pills. I awoke foggy headed the next day to both my parents and my husband doing their best at attempting an intervention. I decided to go that day with my mom, but was terrified and quite frankly didn't believe I was an addict and had no desire to stop. Against my husbands wishes, I enrolled in an outpatient program because I had a 3 month old son at home (which I used as an excuse to not stay). I attended the sessions daily, and enjoyed the opportunity to open up.

Throughout this entire experience I would introduce myself as having depression. I never mentioned the word addict because that wasn't me. During each break, I would go to the bathroom to get my pills out and take a couple. Ironically, I became quickly bonded with a women who also suffered pill addiction, and she introduced herself as an addict. I kept my act up did my time, and then went home with the promise to my mother that I would wean off the rest of my pills. I did manage to eventually run out of pills, and I can't describe the panicky feeling in the pit of my stomach that I couldn't deal with life sober. So I didn't, I began to drink wine every night after the kids were in bed. One bottle would equal two bottles etc.

My husband began to notice the empty bottles which caused me to become defensive and begin stashing them all over the house. I remember even hiding 3 bottles of liquor in my sons diaper genie (which was empty). My husband would find the bottles and line them up on the counter top as if to show me what I already knew....I was drinking too much. My drinking has caused such a wedge between my husband and I that I feel like I''m waiting for him to leave me.

I recently switched from wine to hard liquor which I hoped would slow me down, now I drink about a fifth of vodka a night. This entire time, I have convinced myself that my life was running smoothly and I wasn't hurting anyone but me.

Here is a short summary of my last three years- Lost my teaching job when pregnant with my youngest son, went into a deep depression and begin mixing pills with alcohol, went to rehab (sort of), husband lost his job, our home burnt down last Nov., we had to live in two rental home before our home was fixed, now we are home and can't afford beds for everybody because we had to live off the money from the fire, our home in is foreclosure, I got the job of my dreams, my truck was repoed, lost the job of my dreams because I was fired for forging my managers name on my foreclosure paperwork because she was out of the building that day (stupid mistake).

So that is where alcohol has gotten me and despite reading this terribly depressing list I'll probably talk myself into having just one more drink today. I need to stop, I know otherwise my life is stuck in spin cycle, but I just don't know how or maybe I'm just not ready to admit out loud what I know inside: I'm an alcoholic. I'm scared of life sober, scared of what I don't know exactly. I am just ready to be happy.

Thanks for any help you could offer,

Just Starting Out

noreply@blogger.com (One Crafty Mother) — Fri, 15 Mar 2013 12:57:00 +0000

***Submitted by Anonymous (from November 2012)

I am so thankful I found your blog this weekend...how ironic as it was Thanksgiving weekend.

I am 35 years old and should have seen this coming. Before I was married and had ever seriously thought about having children, if the topic of being a stay at home mom came up in conversation my response was "Oh, I could never be a stay at home mom, I'd end up an alcoholic". Fast forward 10-15 years, I am married, have two beautiful, healthy children, a great job (no, I am not a stay at home mom) and I am an alcoholic.

I didn't discover alcohol until college. I went to a "party school" and took part in the binge drinking that plagues college campuses. I graduated, landed a job that paid just enough to cover my living expenses and moved out on my own. I frequented happy hours after work with fellow young, single coworkers. We drank Friday and Saturday nights until the wee hours of the morning but that was the norm.

I met the man that I would eventually marry. We both enjoyed a beer/cocktail together but it by no means defined our relationship. Three years after marrying we had our first child. She was beautiful and I love her more than anything but she wouldn't stop crying. So, while on maternity leave the happy hours started earlier and earlier. I went back to work and eventually transitioned as best I could to being a working mom. I started to use my nightly beer/wine/cocktail as a way to cope with the chaos (messy house, no money thanks to daycare, balancing husband, baby and a dying father-in-law). Eventually, I was hiding beer bottles in my closet so my husband didn't know how much I was actually drinking. I thought that if he really felt I was drinking too much he would find them. The closet is the first spot you'd look.

My second child is born and he too is beautiful and healthy. I survived maternity leave with two kids. I returned to a great job that I really do enjoy. At some point the vodka bottles replaced the beer bottles. (They're easier to dispose of than the beer bottles.) Now (last week) I can drink almost 2 bottles of wine or 1/2 bottle of vodka (750ml) and be functioning and up for work in the morning. I think that is what scared me the most....how bad will I let this get?? A year ago if I drank 2 bottles of wine I would be throwing up and stuck in bed hungover for a day. So, here I am. I have decided I have no option but to stop completely. I think having none will be much easier for me than one. I know just one is not possible for me anymore. I have way too much to lose to let this continue. I have managed to avoid ruining my relationship with my husband and harming my kids (my biggest fear) so I consider myself lucky.

I am struggling with how to handle this from here. My husband doesn't know the extent of my problem. Work functions always involve happy hour or dinners that include all the alcohol one could possibly desire. Family parties include a plethora of alcoholic beverage options. If you decide not to drink everyone assumes you're pregnant. It almost seems like it would be easiest to just have a t-shirt made that says "No, I don't want a drink... I am an alcoholic" and wear it to the next work happy hour, family function, college roommate get-together. Many people talk about meetings but I live in such a small community I'm not sure I want to out myself just yet.

I'd appreciate guidance from you all. This site is my support system right now. I actually feel like I'm not alone after reviewing the posts.

Breaking the Chain of Addiction - Lara at One Year Sober

noreply@blogger.com (One Crafty Mother) — Tue, 12 Mar 2013 12:46:00 +0000

January 13, 2013, I was one year sober.

I wish I could say everyday was a battle, and my willpower got me through it. But it wasn't a battle, and it had nothing to do with willpower.

It was a choice. I stopped blaming everybody and every circumstance that hurt me, and I took responsibility for my life. I wanted a change. I no longer wanted to numb my pain or feelings. Because of these choices, I gave up the booze....with God as my strength.

I, like many alcoholics, didn't have a childhood. I was abandoned by my parents. As were my brothers and sisters. My mother chose to put the men in her life first, instead of her children. Because of this I had no father, and was forced to live with an abusive step-father. My mother didn't have it in her to be a loving, devoted mother. Because of the choices she made, it brought horrible consequences. I started drinking at age 14, along with drugs and sex.

The drinking got worse the older I got. God brought me, to my now husband of 18 years, when I was 19. He is a faithful, loving husband and father of our 3 beautiful children. They are a real blessings, and having them in my life has showed me what true love really is.

However, I still chose to drink, numbing the painful feelings of abandonment and abuse, that I had pushed so deep inside of me from my past. I started hating alcohol, instead of loving it as my dear friend and comforter. I hated waking up shameful of what I did or said, or trying to remember the things I did or said. Not to mention the horrible hangovers, weight gain, bloating, etc. Only to start it all over again the next afternoon.

I tried to quit drinking many times. I even reached out to my birth family for help one Christmas eve. I admitted to my mother, step-father, brother and sisters that I had a drinking problem and I wanted to quit for good. They just looked at me with shame and embarrassment. They continued to drink around me, however, and offered no support. Mother would even bring over pretty empty wine bottles, and bags of wine corks that she was finished with, for "decoration projects" for my kids.

My battle continued for years with my addiction to booze, as well as the abusive drama of my birth family, until something inside me finally clicked. I realized I wanted more from life than this, and I felt the Holy Spirit was urging me to wake up.

I've never been a religious person, and honestly this has nothing to do with religion. It has everything to do with a love relationship with God. With His strength, I removed myself from the toxic people in my life.

Sadly, that just happened to be my birth family. It's like my eyes opened for the first time in my life. I finally saw them for who they really were. They don't know how to love. They never had it given to them, to learn how to love.

They all still struggle with sex addiction, food addiction, alcohol, and drugs. They still choose to numb their pains, and abandonment from the past, with their drug of choice. As with all addicts, they are blaming everybody else for their circumstances, their choices, and they take zero responsibility.

I was never raised to be responsible for anything. Nobody in the family was or is. Blame, diversion, manipulation, and self-pity, are all they have to give. It's very sad. I made a choice to stop the cycle of addiction and abuse. I no longer want to pretend everything is ok, instead I face the truth.

I no longer want to walk around numb, I want to acknowledge and embrace my feelings. I no longer want to make excuses or blame, I am responsible for my choices, my actions, and my life. I am finally free to be me!

Sure, I still long for the mom and dad I never had. It would be nice to have sisters who supported me, loved me, and were able to communicate our true feelings and experiences together. But it is what it is. I now accept reality, and refuse to deny the truth any longer.

My mind is clear now, and yes sometimes it hurts to know the truth. But I am healing, I am growing stronger, and I am becoming a person I admire. For the fist time in my life I am proud of who I am. I have overcome a lot and I am setting a good example for my children. I want them to grow up knowing how to give and accept love.

God wants us to honor our mother and father. I am honoring my parents by stopping the cycle of abuse and addiction. They should be proud of that. But instead, they are full of bitterness, hate, and blame.

The next generation will not have to endure the things my siblings and I had to. I know God is proud of me for standing up for the truth, and against the evil. That is all that matters to me. I give my Heavenly Father, all the glory for what He has done in my life. I was blind, but now I see. Life is full of choices. Take responsibility for your life, pray to God for strength. For, through Him all things are possible.

The truth really does set you free!

Day One and Facing the Witching Hour

noreply@blogger.com (One Crafty Mother) — Wed, 06 Mar 2013 21:14:00 +0000

***Submitted by Anonymous

This is the first time I have written to Crying Out Now; I first want to say thank you. I have been reading on the site for the last several weeks, it has been an eye opener and a support as I have struggled with the long, lingering question of my alcohol use--alcoholic, functioning alcoholic, binge drinker? At this moment , the label doesn't concern me, just my need to stop drinking does.

My story is so similar to many of you, wife, mother, professional, full time job (until a few months ago, now out of work). Volunteer at school, member of the community, lots of friends, athlete. Began drinking at 15 and never looked back. The high of drinking, the feelings of joy, freedom, fun was completing addicting to me as a self conscious teen, one who hid all real feeling and pretended life was great! Alcohol was the perfect cover. It still is.

I've suffered from depression off and on since my twenties all related to being victimized as a child. I held it together really well for a long time (well I thought so) until a couple of years ago. The depression came back with peri-menopause and with it lots of memories of trauma. Like the good girl I am, I went back into therapy, it's been a tough road,,,I found myself drinking every night, started with one glass of wine during the week, some more on the weekend. A few binges during the year but I was "fine", covered it all up, nothing out of the ordinary.

But something has shifted, the two to three glasses per night turned into a bottle a night a few weeks ago, black outs, being drunk at home, passing out. Scary.

After reading the site daily for these weeks, I made the decision yesterday its time to stop. For good, forever. I told my husband last night, I want to be accountable and honest. I feel I can do it,,but ugh…I so miss drinking right now..it's the "witching hour" making dinner, waiting for hubby to come home,,I'd usually be 2 glasses in by now and feeling the freedom.

I am writing to keep myself from driving to the store to buy wine..I will stay home and power through…thanks for listening.

About To Break

noreply@blogger.com (One Crafty Mother) — Fri, 01 Mar 2013 14:31:00 +0000

***Submitted by Anonymous

I’m a 42 yr old stay at home mom. My husband works construction, out of town… most of the time. I have 11 yr old twin boys and an 18 yr old daughter. A few years ago, my family and I decided to relocate to another state.

I am not normally the type of person who has ever embraced “change” very well, but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. So here is where my sob story begins. I have had nothing but bad luck since we moved. The economy tanked…. We’ve had 5 deaths in our family / friend circle over the last 4 years. I did try going to work, but ended up in horrible jobs. I guess I was just spoiled by the one I left to move here (after working there for 13 yrs). One of my twins was diagnosed with ADHD and possible tick disorders / OCD and other emotional disorders within the last year.

Due to the economy in 2009, we lost our home. We now live in a 3 bdrm house with my 89 yr old grandmother who cannot really live alone. We have been here for about 3 yrs because I see that she cannot live alone and I don’t want to just leave her. Basically, I feel like, how much can happen in such a short period of time to one family? When will it ever stop? Its like things just get worse and worse all the time.

SO… I drink. I drink a lot. Probably for the past 3 years I have literally not gone one single day without drinking. I wish I could say it was just wine… but its either rum or vodka. I drink normally 6-8 drinks per night and I start in the afternoon.

I am sick of myself. I have noticed that I don’t live. I only exist. I function throughout the day. I get up and get my kids off to school, help with homework, meet with teachers, run them to the docs or their friends houses, cook dinner, etc. I do everything I am supposed to do, I guess. But I have no happiness or enjoyment in my life. I feel lost.

I feel like a totally different person than who I used to be. I have a lot of black outs. I have woken up quite a few times where my husband would be so upset with me for something I said the night before and I honestly couldn’t even remember the conversation. I have woken up with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, knowing something went wrong… only to find that I had vented about anything and everything on Facebook the night before (then I spend the next few minutes trying to delete everything fast.)

I am ashamed. I hate myself. I feel worthless and pitiful. I don’t know how my husband stays with me. I don’t know how I have any friends left because I have managed to offend most of them. I have lost faith in myself, and given up on God or any higher power and in a way I’ve even given up on “hope”. Literally, I am empty.

I’m just a shell with nothing but black inside. I have been to one AA meeting. I don’t think it’s for me because all those people did was make me want to drink more. I’m not religious so the whole idea of putting my problem in the hands of a higher power really makes me uncomfortable. This is MY fault… I have no one else to blame. My kids and husband deserve better than this. Yet I just keep drinking. Almost every day… I wake up with some kind of regret or self disgust. Yet everyday, I find myself a nervous, anxious wreck. I can’t handle any stress. It’s like the minute something happens I just freak out. I want to run away. I want to hide. I do hide.

Recently (last week)… I went in for my annual checkup and my blood came back with elevated white blood cells and liver enzymes. I just went in today for the retest but I’m sure nothing has changed in a week. I have had an “inside voice” telling me that something is wrong. I am bloated all the time. My face is swollen and I’ve gained 30 lbs in just the last year. I’m actually a little scared (of course, apparently not scared enough to stop drinking! Ugh) So… today, I decided I would at least make an appointment with the behavioral health center. I did the best I could to get through it without crying and pretty much managed up until the very last few minutes with the lady who was scheduling me. She offered me a hug and I told her I wasn’t a hugger. I am a classic introvert, but still… how rude is that? What is wrong with me? Anyway, I have an appointment in a couple of days.

My boys came home today and immediately started fighting. My ADHD kid was screaming at me because he thought he lost his homework… and then he was screaming because he didn’t want to do it, “Its too hard!” I offer to help… nothing stops him. I just poured myself a rum and coke. Told him when he was ready to calm down I would help him. Its been about an hour and a half and he’s just now seeming to be willing to work. My other twin just sits there and shakes his head. He is also a victim of his brother’s tantrums.

All I want to do is crawl in a hole. Still have to make dinner. I feel like this is just another day where I waste myself.

Thank you for listening.

Older Mom With Young Kids Looking for Help

noreply@blogger.com (One Crafty Mother) — Tue, 26 Feb 2013 14:19:00 +0000

***Submitted by Anonymous

I am 53 years old. I love this site. I have been on and off it since reading about it in Redbook a few years ago.

I am the mother of a 15 year old daughter, and 4 ¾ year old twin boys. All same husband. The boys came along after many years of me getting pregnant, and always succumbing to miscarriage.

Now, here I am.

I have these boys… I love them dearly, but I am so old, I feel, that I cannot do them justice. I am not into this. I drink to take away the day to day craziness. All my friends have kids in high school or college.

Please help!! Is anyone out there in my shoes???

I Am Always Scared

noreply@blogger.com (One Crafty Mother) — Fri, 22 Feb 2013 16:44:00 +0000

***Submitted by Anonymous

I decided this morning that I must make a change in my life before something bad happens.

I have an awesome husband who would do anything for me and three perfect children who want nothing more than to be with me and I am screwing it all up because I drink way too much.

I have always loved to drink since college but I always binge drink.

When I was doing this with my friends I never thought much about it being a problem, even still when we get together we all drink too much.

I cut down in my thirties but as soon as I had kids after each one was born I was right back on the booze and with each one it became so much worse.

Since the last one came along I have steadily become a daily drinker and within the past few months it is quite scary. I know my husband knows it is a problem but it is like he doesn't want to say anything to me about it.

I am always scared that I have ruined my health but more importantly my relationship with my kids.

I work out daily, I run marathons, I am involved in all of the kids activities but as soon as we are home safely I start drinking immediately to "cope" but the weird thing is that all my life I wanted to be married and have kids so now why do I have to drink to "cope"???

I am stopping today or I am afraid I will not be around to see my kids grow up.

I just can't do this anymore it is too exhausting to get up each day and face myself in the mirror with shame and guilt and I know my kids know even though they are young

Myself Not Myself

noreply@blogger.com (One Crafty Mother) — Mon, 18 Feb 2013 15:38:00 +0000

*** Submitted by Anonymous, who blogs at Why Dry?

It hit me the other day that I've just wondered one too many times whether or not I 'have a problem'. I've told myself that my husband and I are 'normal drinkers' who just happen to drink every day - wine with dinner, cocktails when we go out, etc. The problem is I've noticed that I've been drinking more wine with dinner, before dinner, after dinner. It just takes more for me to get to that ideal 'sweet spot'. Or in other words, my idea 'high'…. yea, sounds like an addict talking, right?

I've spent the last year monitoring my drinking - literally counting days I don't drink at all, self-monitoring the days I do using an app. The problem is that the nature of alcohol is to remove your internal check, your sense of limitation…that is kind of the point, right? So, I would always end up having that one extra glass of wine, even if it left me with a terrible headaches the next day. With those extra glasses came me falling asleep on the sofa while watching a movie with my husband, or just 'not remembering' parts of the night before, even when I seemed totally fine then. Yea, that's called blacking out. I even did this once while having sex with my husband….THAT'S BAD!

I come from a family of alcoholics - some are sober, some are not. It's a truly horrible and maddeningly cruel disease. I orchestrated an intervention to get my sister into rehab, so I spent a lot of time researching the nature of the disease, how to do this, where it will take you. The nature of the alcohol as a drug is to make you think you are in control, yet you increasingly want more and more. It is progressive - and if you progress it is fatal. I know these things.

Why would I even be drinking then, in the first place? Well, like many people, I've been telling myself that I somehow fit into the normal, non-diseased category of alcohol consumption. I really only drink with dinner, drink sophisticated drinks, it's all very social and wonderful. Yet for as much as this is true, it is also not true. I've been noticing those tell-tale signs that I'm in a downward spiral: I started getting drunk, I get hangovers, I anticipate my next drink, I try (and fail) to moderate, I get crabby pretty much all the time, I can't remember, I regret, I start feeling like shit but fell scared to stop.

So, a week ago I'm hungover, trying to get my daughter out of the house when she has a meltdown about putting on her shoes. She's five. Like the scene from Alien, I erupt like a sequence of monsters coming out of me and scream at her. At that moment I feel myself not myself, I can see this as a moment and I see her face. It's horrible. Why am I screaming like a monster at the person I love most in the world? There really is no answer, but I know inside I've been feeding a monster which is changing me, trapping me, keeping me hostage. I decide later that day to stop drinking. I've since been blogging my experience. So far so good.

A Mother Asks For Help

noreply@blogger.com (One Crafty Mother) — Thu, 07 Feb 2013 13:56:00 +0000

***Submitted by Anonymous

I drink wine every night. I get box wine so I don't know how much I drink. But I think it's at least a bottle each night.

Half the time I don't remember going to bed. And wake up in my clothes. I'm in yesterday's clothes right now.

I never drink and drive. I don't go to bars. I have a job that I never call in sick to.

But I've been altered in front of my child who is now 12. And I've done things to disappoint my family and me.

When I look in the mirror my eyes are glassy and I have dark circles under my eyes. I don't like what I see.

A couple times a night I drink a lot of water. In the morning I often have 2-3 glasses of water on my nightstand. In the morning I feel slightly dizzy to very dizzy. Most mornings my mind runs like a broken record that I want to not drink. Then by the afternoon I feel ok. Then at the stroke of 5:00 the bar is open.

I try to wait till my husband comes home at 5:30 for my first glass.

My husband drinks too. Similar to me except he can stay awake longer. He cooked our child dinner last night. I've talked to my husband about us both quitting drinking but he doesn't want to. It's working out fine for him.

The thing I really want to hang my hat on at the end of the day is that I am a good mother and am raising my child my very best. Drinking this much does not jibe with this at all. Especially with my child on the verge of teenage-hood, when I started drinking, it would break my heart if I contributed to my child having an alcohol or drug problem.

5 months ago I was sober for 2 days. I had a slight headache but certainly no DT's or anything so I assume I'm not physically addicted. I had a physical 6 months ago and the doctor asked as if speed reading "Do you have any issues, alcoholism-drug addiction-smoking-etc ?" And I of course I said no. Then he went on to talk about taking Calcium and a low dose aspirin etc. I passed the urine sample so I must be within normal limits I guess.

I can't imagine going to AA. How anonymous is going into a room and showing my face? What if later they see me at the grocery store or at a soccer game or at church?

I appreciate this place to ask for help. I think I'm going to need some face-to-face help also to be successful. The idea of me not drinking anymore seems impossible to me. I'll need to quit with alcohol in the house since my husband is not on board with me.

My insurance would cover me going to a therapist/addiction counselor. I made an appointment but cancelled. Do you recommend I go to a therapist/addiction counselor?

So I'd like to ask what you recommend for me as a first step.

I Saw Myself In My Daughter Tonight

noreply@blogger.com (One Crafty Mother) — Thu, 31 Jan 2013 20:17:00 +0000

***Submitted by Anonymous

(A note from the moderators of CON: this was submitted a while ago, and because of our queue of posts it is just going up now. We are so pleased to update you that as of today Anonymous has over 90 days of sobriety, and is going strong).

I saw myself in my daughter tonight....

I was a very moderate drinker for many, many years. As a divorced single Mother with no help, trying to run my own business I was too busy and frankly exhausted at the end of the day to think about anything but hitting the bed! I appeared to be like most normal drinkers. I would have one glass of wine with dinner on holidays, one beer on a hot day at a cookout. But somehow I was always able to stop because I knew all those two girls had was me. And as a constant worrier I couldn't stop thinking about the "what ifs" What if one of the girls got hurt or sick and I had to drive to the hospital? What if they saw me drinking? All those thoughts.....my mind seems to never stop with the worst case scenarios!

13 years ago I married a wonderful, responsible man. And I also inherited his two fabulous children. He never drinks. We had a perfect life. No blended family issues, no money problems, great house, schools, neighborhood, lots of friends and extended family. Life was great. At this point I began having a glass of red wine while cooking dinner, just one and I never wanted more.

Then 7 years ago things changed. I lost both of my adored in laws in a tragic accident. My oldest daughter left for college, one of my best friends was diagnosed with terminal melanoma and as for myself, symptoms I had ignored for years ended up being diagnosed as MS. My life felt like it was out of control and my life long anxiety peaked to unbearable levels. I began to drink.....heavily.

This has gone on now for 7 years. With some periods of sobriety here and there. If anyone notices they haven't said anything, besides the occasional joke about hangovers from my husband. My hangovers HAVE become unbearable. I spend 2-3 days a week in bed. I drink 3 nights a week.

My 24 year old daughter has moved back home after a breakup. She is drinking 4 beers a night and more on the weekends. My husband was out of town last weekend and I realized just how much she was drinking(she ran out of beer and switched to whiskey)....it broke my heart. I refuse to become her "drinking buddy" after a bottle of wine I even smoked after quitting almost two years ago.....I can't believe I did that! This stops NOW.....I need to be an example. She needs me to be present.

I watched the video that you made. I was in tears, but inspired. I'm not such a bad person....and I AM NOT ALONE

Wants To Love Herself Again - A 53 Year Old Wine Drinker Asks For Help

noreply@blogger.com (One Crafty Mother) — Mon, 28 Jan 2013 19:07:00 +0000

***Submitted by Anonymous

I am a 53-year-old wine drinker whose imbibing has exploded into full-blown binges.

I have just gone through a massive transition in the last few months: moved to another state, beloved daughter graduated from high school and is in college, my own parents are aging and beginning to drift into dementia.

I've always tried to avoid painful emotions, either through sex or food and now it has developed into alcoholism.

I am ready to pull myself in front of a mirror and say to my sad self: "See, here you are - meet yourself. Love yourself. Stop avoiding this poor woman."

I want to live an open, clear, clean sober life.

I want to make a contribution to this world.

I want to meet myself and get to know me.

Is it possible at this late stage?

I'm not sure whether I have hope or not - my mind is a bit fuzzy at this point!

Thank you for reading this.

Struggling with the "A" Word

noreply@blogger.com (One Crafty Mother) — Sun, 20 Jan 2013 16:42:00 +0000

***Submitted by Steph K.

A note from the co-moderators: our policy is to post submissions chronologically, unless we get one from someone who is struggling with active drinking or new sobriety and needs to get support/feedback right away. If you have a submission in, it will be posted in the order it was received unless this exception applies.

I don’t like to use the term alcoholic to describe myself because it has such negative connotations with the general public.

Or…maybe its denial.

However, I fit the description to a tee. Today is another late night/early am filled with remorse, guilt, and shame, all by-products of alcoholism.

I have been to AA – had continuous sobriety for 7 or 8 months at most. I do not count the 9 months I was sober during pregnancy. I wouldn’t allow myself to harm my unborn child. Now that he is out of my body, do I think its okay to expose him to the type of drinking that scars people for a lifetime?

I know firsthand this typing of scarring, being that my own father is an alcoholic. It is absolutely not okay with me.

My precious son is only 9 months old. Ironically, today is January 18^th and he was born on ApriI 18^th.

Maybe today can be my new sobriety date – one that finally sticks.

Not saying I want to go to a rehab, but they won’t take me (covered by insurance) anyway. I haven’t been drinking steadily for days on end. I am a binge drinker. Apparently, a 3 day bender doesn’t count?\

I thought about posting this on my facebook page in an effort to de-stigmatize alcoholism. However, I don’t want to wear the Scarlett Letter A.

A for Alcoholic. Posting on the Booze Free Brigade is my best attempt.

For those of you who are like me and can go for periods of sobriety but then have hardcore binges – you may not want to call yourself an alcoholic… but… a wise person once told me that if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, talks like a duck…guess what…it’s a duck

Steph's Story - Relapse and Redemption

noreply@blogger.com (One Crafty Mother) — Wed, 16 Jan 2013 15:56:00 +0000

***Submitted by Steph R, who blogs at A Different New York Foodie

To the amazing women of Crying Out Now: Readers, Moderators, Sober Women, Women with a DESIRE to stop drinking, Curious Women, All the women brave enough just to come to this site with an open-mind,

THANK YOU.

It is because of support like this that I have made it back to one year of continuous sobriety. And, while for me a 12-step program of recovery works best, when I came back to it after 3 full years of doing more alcohol- and drug-related research I was convinced it couldn't work for me.

I want to share my story because if just one woman reads it and can identify with enough of it that she thinks sobriety might be worth a shot, then every single day of this last year has been worth it.

That is not to say that every day has been a struggle. Some have, certainly. But mostly my days have been happy and free. I closed one door when I decided to return to twelve step meetings. I closed the door to booze. I shut down my alcoholism. And what did that do? It opened up every other door that I believed to be closed. Now I have life.

But let me begin at the beginning. I am a born-and-raised New Yorker. Kinda. I was born in Trenton, NJ to people far too young to have a baby and adopted (at 6 weeks old) by two crazy people in NYC. My parents brand of crazy (when I say parents I mean the people who adopted me, raised me, put up with my craziness), was not a bad brand. They did not physically abuse me. The emotional abuse was unintended. They meant well. But good intentions aren't always enough. My father died when I was 21 and my mum and I are now good friends. I have taken responsibility for my part in things, so I do not want to dwell on mistakes. I'll just say that the primary problem was that there was never anyone around. I never felt safe. Ever. And I was living in a world in which I did not fit. I went to a school with super rich girls and I felt lesser. And, I had no with whom to share my fears. So.... I turned first to food. I ate to numb. I ate to fill the emptiness. That was at 8. By 13 I had found pot, booze, and boys. In fact, I turned to boys much more than drugs or booze at first for two reasons: one, boys are easier to come by at 13 years old; and two, boys are easy. So for a while I gave blowjobs and had sex with boys that were wildly inappropriate (older etc) and it was intermingled with booze and pot.

By 15 I took diet pills or asthma meds regularly to get high. Speedy little guys in those days.

I have very few memories from the teen years. I am a great disassociator. I know by age 16 I was having sex with a sailor--visiting the city on Fleet Week--on my friend's rooftop in a semi-blackout or brown-out from copious amounts of alcohol.

By age 18 I was meeting men off the internet, getting fall-down drunk before I met them, and then.... Well you get it.

Onto college. My drinking changed there. It was easier. So I went from bingeing on weekends to bingeing a few times a week--at least 3. And it's where I found I "glass," cocaine, and ecstasy. These were like little miracles. To me they appeared to do no more than make me able to drink more and without any nausea, spins, vomiting, and best of all NO BLACKOUTS. Needless to say it goes downhill from there. I think around age 20, my dad was dying, my drug and alcohol use was amped up, I asked a man to come back to my room. he beat me up badly. I wrote on the wall, while I was drunk out of my mind "I am an asshole."

I am never a daily drinker at this point . Always a binger. My grades in school were fine. I had a job. I was fine. Just having fun. Right?

My dad dies. I drink like ... I use it as an excuse to drink harder, drug harder, and ... more than ever before. I move to Scotland to escape my problems. They come with me. I come home. Day one home and I am as wasted and coked up as I have ever been and....

Before I moved to Scotland a shrink had given me a book called Living Sober. I put it my shelf and left it there. When I woke up back in NYC, skin crawling, sweating, exhausted, headachey, and filled with shame I looked up and saw that book. I called the number for someone who could direct me to a twelve step meeting. I don't know how I knew. I had never thought about it before. I just knew something had to change. I knew I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. And that was the beginning of my first four years sober. But not the end of my using story because I never really admitted I had a problem. I mean I talked the talked and to a degree I walked the walk, but in my head I always thought "this is just another whim," or "I'll clean up my act and then go back to drinking and it'll be fine."

Yeah. Well. After four years I went back to drugs and alcohol. It's because, in essence, I had forgotten how bad it really felt. I had moved away from basic principles that had kept me sober at all. I didn't really believe I had a problem.

I spent the next three years drinking and using cocaine in a way I had never before. It was as if my "disease" had been waiting for me, getting stronger. I didn't look back. Binges lasted anywhere from 12 to 48 hours. There were always men. There was always shame.

I got into a terrible and abusive relationship, and a light bulb went off 'I can only end this if I get sober again." Like, I knew I was strongest and clearest when I wasn't using. And that was the beginning of a year of trying. I tried and failed over and over again for a year to get it back. I tried twelve step meetings but without really trying. I could get 60 days together. then 30. then 10. then only 3 or 4. My binges were getting more and more frequent and the sick feelings worse. Finally on October 9th, 2011 I called a friend who also struggled. I wanted to kill myself in a very real way. More real than ever before. But instead I called Jay. I begged for help. I said I was afraid twelve step meetings didn't work for me. I was one of those poor unfortunates. He said "sit tight. Go to a meeting tomorrow. I'll give you one of my Antabuse." For 2 months I stayed sober on fear and Antabuse. But that was not a life, and I knew from experience that twelve step meetings could offer me a life. Not the meetings themselves. I would have to work for it, but that it was a bridge back to life. And, for the first time ever I was willing to go to any lengths to get sober. I went back. I counted my days out loud. I listened. I listened and listened and listened. I drank in the information instead of booze.

So my solution is twelve step meetings. They are not a Christian Cult. I do not pray to Jesus. I do not pray, in fact, to any Judeo-Christian God, or any deity for that matter. I do pray every day. I say thank you to the world, to the universe for helping guide me through the another day. I ask for continued strength and clarity. And, I believe I had better put into this world what I want to get out, so I try to lead a life with roots in love and service . That said, I have a good job. I have not devoted my life to practice of meditation. But I help people when I can. I try to give back what has been so freely given to me. I try not to judge people, but to understand them as I would want them to understand me. But the truth is, just asking for help is a HUGE change and one that can have powerful effects.

I exercise a lot. I eat clean. I train dirty. I love my life. And, I love myself.

I used to think when I crossed the street "None of these cars want to wait for me. They think I am disgusting and wish they could hit me." Literally, those words would float through my head. Sometime in this last year, that stopped. And now I even think, sometimes, "I bet that driver thinks I'm a hottie ."

I never imagined I could have a life like this--one where I liked looking at myself in the mirror.

Rachel's Story - Trigger Warning - Talking About Sexual Abuse

noreply@blogger.com (One Crafty Mother) — Fri, 11 Jan 2013 14:27:00 +0000

***Submitted by "Rachel"

My story begins as a 6 year old child. The day the life I think I might have had ended. I’m building my new life now and telling this story is a start.

I grew up in an affluent neighborhood filled with doctors, judges, college professors, and politicians. On the outside it was picture perfect. Nice homes, nice families, nice kids.

I lived with both of my parents and although they drank socially they are not alcoholics. My relationship with my mother did not match the ideal neighborhood. Outside of the home we were the Cleavers, inside the home she was difficult, and both physically and verbally abusive. I was afraid of her moods and my sister and I did our best to keep her happy. My dad was mostly absent or oblivious as he worked on a graduate degree in addition to working full-time. In the battle to keep my mom happy and to stay safe, my sister, older by 4 years, was my biggest ally. I often went to her for comfort when things were particularly bad at home or at night when I was afraid of the dark and storms.

I spent many summer days and evenings traveling our perfect neighborhood with my best friends while my parents enjoyed cocktails and games with theirs. Winters were spent in a similar fashion inside and the kids ruled/policed themselves in a rotation of basements.

Our favorite game was Capture the Flag. In addition, the older kids on the block built a fort in the woods that was the pride of those granted entry and the envy of those that were not. Access to the “club” was invite only and the clear leaders were 2 older brothers whose father was a judge.

I was invited to join the “club” by my older sister along with my 2 best friends when I was six. Initiation into the club was performed in a dark basement and involved acts of sexual abuse performed by the older kids. I was the last to be initiated and by the time it was my turn the oldest boys were amped up by their experience and were increasingly violent. All participated, including my sister. I left that basement bleeding and in tears.

Threats from the older kids, as well as fear of my mom and her reaction, cemented my decision to never tell anyone what had happened that night and I convinced my friends to do the same.

I wish I could say that it stopped there, that the one evening was the end of my pain. It was the beginning. Following that incident my sister began to sexually abuse me in our home. The person that was my biggest comfort became a source of tremendous pain. The abuse stopped when I turned 12 and finally stood my ground and was willing to accept any threats and consequences of that decision. I never spoke of any of these experiences to anyone.

In that basement I lost my innocence and I believe to this day that what occurred there, along with the circumstances within my own home, set off a chain of events that forever altered the path of my life. I was left with both physical and emotional damage. I felt a hole inside of me that felt dirty. I experienced a deep level of shame that over the years has grown like a cancer. I felt a constant need for approval and an unquenchable thirst for success as a way to erase my pain. I experienced nightmares and was terrified of sex.

My coping skill was to attempt to be as perfect as possible. I had to be the best at everything I did and I always thought that the next big thing I accomplished would be the thing that would erase my pain and fill that hole. On the outside I looked like a superstar, on the inside I was slowly falling apart. I developed an eating disorder while trying to find something I could control in my life. I spent 10 years thinking that starving myself was the answer. I was not a drinker yet, it was too many calories and it did not fit with my perfectionism. Instead, I was the designated driver and the “responsible one” that everyone else teased but called when they needed a ride home.

I met my husband during this time and I hid the seriousness of my problems from him. We dated long distance and I managed to look totally together on the weekends and would then fall apart during the week. When he asked me to marry him I was both thrilled and terrified. I knew he fell in love with the woman I portrayed on the outside and did not know the awfulness on my insides. He had no idea how much I dreaded and hated sex. I felt like a fraud. I married him anyway because I loved him and he took care of me, he took me away.

Our first year of marriage was a disaster but was the impetus for me getting treatment for my eating disorder. I spent time hospitalized and in intensive outpatient. I still did NOT talk about my abuse, but I did find meaningful recovery from my food obsessions and the next several years of my life were pretty good. I discovered that with a glass or 2 of wine I could manage a sex life. My career was skyrocketing and I loved the professional success, my marriage was stable, and I had 2 beautiful children. I battled periods of depression, but I managed with medication and therapy.

I found a therapist that I loved and trusted. For the first time, at the age of 33, I began to talk about the abuse from my childhood. It has been a slow and painstaking process. I have spent many years pretending that it didn’t happen and then convincing myself that I was a willing participant and therefore at fault. It is not easy to rewire that thought process and for every step forward I feel like I follow it with 2 steps back. Drinking became a wonderful way to escape the shame/guilt spiral.

My life felt overwhelming, 2 kids, a high pressure career, a desire to be the perfect employee, wife, mother, friend, neighbor. I needed a level of perfection that was impossible to achieve to even feel worthwhile. Perfection was no longer enough. Hard painful work at therapy was stirring up painful emotions that I didn’t want to feel and a glass of wine or two at the end of the day seemed like the perfect answer.

From there the downward spiral was fast. Fast forward a year and a half and a glass or 2 of wine had become a bottle or more a day. I began to hide my drinking from my husband, I had blackouts. I was and continue to be obsessed with alcohol. How much did I have on hand, is it enough? How can I drink more without people noticing? I was full of shame, guilt, and hatred towards myself. My life felt worthless and unlivable. I found myself in a hotel room with 2 bottles of wine, 2 bottles of sleeping pills, letters to my dear sweet children and husband, and the intention to end my life. I’m still not sure what stopped me from acting on my plan that night, but I will feel forever grateful that I did not.

I found the Booze Free Brigade through an article in a magazine. I found a group of women and a few men, with successful careers, mothers who also struggled with balancing it all, women who are not afraid to be real even when it is ugly. Women that may or may not also have experiences like mine, but offer support in a way that I never dreamed possible. I know that I was drawn to the group for a reason. I still struggle with the idea that I am an alcoholic, but what I do know right here, right now, is that alcohol is running my life in a way that I am not ok with. It is ruining my life. My children deserve more, my husband deserves more, I DESERVE MORE.

I am working hard at building a life I can be proud of. I am giving that six year old girl a second chance at the life she should have had. It’s not easy and I have many bumps on the road ahead of me. I am going to take this journey SOBER with the help of my therapist and BFB.

This is where my story begins…