Cube Dweller's Handbook

Saddest Cubicle Contest

2007-10-08T13:42:00.000-07:00

Think your cubicle is a bland, soulless, hole sucking the very life out of you? Take some consolation from these worker bees who have entered their pathetic corporate cells in Wired's Saddest Cubicle Contest. Once you see where others toil, you might feel better about yourself.

PS-There's a word for that you know. "Schadenfreude" is German for "pleasure taken from someone else's misfortune". That's you, if you clicked on the link. Sadistic bastard!

Cubespeak

2007-09-28T14:16:00.001-07:00

I'm going to start a new section of the blog focused on what I call "cubespeak". (Look for the new label, Ed.) It's essentially a translator for the corporate office doublespeak that seems to spew endlessly from the politically minded, and brainless buzzword leeches of the day. This quote comes from the most benevolent of fictional dictators, Fake Steve Jobs.

""We thank Don for his contributions to Apple during the past ten months, and wish him well in his future endeavors." Translation: You're history, butt-munch."

It perfectly sums up all those politely worded fuck you for resigning emails that are sent out whenever an employee decides they've had enough of the current bullshit, and are out looking for newer greener bullshit elsewhere.

3 Devices to Make Them Go Away

2007-09-20T19:17:00.000-07:00

Is there someone standing in front of your cube, cutting into your valuable solitaire time? Since there are some cases where you can't just tell them to "fuck off", here are three D-evices (They all start with the letter "d". We get it, Ed.) you can use to make them go away. Even if they return in the future, this will at least let you finish your current game.

Defer: Tell the person that you can't give their request the full attention it deserves right now. Ask them to schedule time in the future specifically for this topic. People like immediate gratification. If you can't do it right now, then chances are they'll look for someone else that can. Better yet, ask them to add the item to the agenda of a group meeting that's already on the calendar. This saves you having yet another meeting. Also, if their topic isn't that important, the team will never get to it, and it's not your fault. Keep in mind that if it does get brought up in a public forum, it may be harder to say "no" in front of a group.
Deflect: Suggest that someone else is better suited to address their task or that it's not in your authority to make that decision. A lot of work is created just by being in the wrong place at the wrong time. People will look for the first warm body they see that might be able to help them. Example: An account manager asks you to give a presentation for a customer call. Presumably because they're too lazy to put the presentation together on their own, and are incompetent to answer any questions beyond "when does lunch arrive". They will look for anyone that can fog a mirror, fulfills their commitment to "get someone from corporate", and can be a scapegoat if the call goes poorly. Of course, it's in their best interest for the call to go well. So before you open that calendar, point them to a "real expert" that will make them look good in front of the customer. You didn't decline, in the event it comes back to your boss. You also look helpful.
Distract: Pick at small points that aren't central to the question at hand. This may lead the requester to reconsider if their task is valid, or at least send them away to track down more information. Example: A product manager asks you to write code for a new hardware platform. Don't focus on whether or not you want to write the code. Ask if that's really the right hardware platform for customers. It's a legitimate question. If they don't have their shit together, they won't have a good answer. Guess what. You get a bye. Even if they address this initial question, there are infinite other side questions that can distract them from the task at hand.

How to Hide Beer in the Office

2007-09-13T13:06:00.001-07:00

Let's be honest. There are a lot of days when a nip of something slightly stronger than bottled water or a diet cola would sure make it easier to tolerate our miserable co-workers. Oh how I long to live in the early 60s, where advertising execs like those portrayed in Mad Men start their day with a White Russian, have 3 Martini lunches, and chain smoke endlessly.

Alas, these are no longer considered appropriate, or even tolerable, actions in the modern workplace. Limiting our drug intake to caffeine, or forcing us to go smuggle our libations into the office rather than drudge through the day stone sober.

The fine people over at Dethroner have come up with an ingenious solution for keeping your stash cool and safe. Think about it. When was the last time you saw any of the lazy bastards around your office put paper in the printer or copy machine?

Cubes Adult Play Sets

2007-09-10T13:28:00.001-07:00

You can now impose the drudgery of corporate life upon a fictional world completely under your control. Live out all of those sadistic "who's the boss now" scenarios you've dreamed of while staring blankly at your monitor. The Cubes play set for adults allows you to be in control of a group of tiny plastic people whom you can force to spend eight hours a day, five days a week, at tiny desks in tiny cubicles in a giant room packed with countless similar cubicles in a giant building filled with countless similar rooms. Amusing, but I'm thinking there are other "adult play sets" I'd rather spend my time with. ;)