This is Part 2 of my Leadership post, as continued from last month’s POST.

Recently I was asked by a friend of mine to answer the following questions for her college business class.  Everything is focused around leadership and I thought they would be good questions for you to ask yourselves, also. Enjoy!

6. Does your organization change effectively when it needs to? - We are a young company who is growing rapidly.  Change is just a part of our culture and everyone on staff has to be comfortable with that.  I think I’m the one who struggles the most with it, but that is an area of growth on which I’m focusing.  We have to balance the need to change and adapt with the need to be stable and consistent for our team.

7. Do you ask yourself how likely it is that your competitors aren’t working on the same questions you are? - We have a very niche market and therefore our biggest competition is “no decision”.  This will change over time, but currently, we do not focus much on competition.

8. How did you get started and how did you get to where you are today? – I started my company in the fall of 2010 after working for 10 years in a Fortune 14 company.  I enjoyed the stability of working in a large company, but wanted to be able to own something of my own.

9. What’s your leadership style? – I am an “S” on the DISC profile, so I prefer pacing, consistency and steadiness.  I am also a high “I” so I like to influence others to look for ways to improve processes, systems and themselves.  I encourage and support my team and ask them often – “How can I help you?”

 10. Who has been the most influential person in your life? – My husband is the most influential person in my life.  He is the smartest entrepreneur, businessman and leader I’ve ever met.  He and I are a great team in our company and our strengths and weaknesses balance each other out.

A few years ago, we celebrated our oldest son’s 4th birthday in swashbuckling fashion: we hosted a pirate party at the bounce house mega-warehouse. It’s every kid’s dream party, and proved to be a party that has given me nightmares to this day.

One of the kids came accompanied by his dad (whom we had never met) and older brother. We overheard the dad say his wife was out of town for the weekend. (First red flag: dads will go to great lengths to occupy their children’s time when moms are gone). He went on to say this was their third birthday party of the afternoon. (Second red flag: that’s a lot of birthday cake in one day).

The party was going great when all of a sudden, the teenage party helpers began to quickly usher us out of the bounce houses and into another area for pizza and cake. When I asked why we were moving on earlier than scheduled, they simply told me there was “clean up” needed – someone had puked on one of the inflatable slides. (Yes, this is red flag number three).

Thankful I was not in charge of “clean up,” I started serving pizza to a loud room full of sweaty kiddos and parents. After a few minutes, I glanced up to locate my husband.

Instead I saw the aforementioned dad: shirtless. Just standing there, in the middle of the party, casually eating his pizza with his belly in all its glory. Acting as if it was perfectly normal to go “skins” at 4 year-old birthday parties.

Apparently, his older son was the one who puked down the slide (remember all that birthday cake?). And fun-loving dad slid down after him. And instead of making his kids leave such an awesome party after such an awful experience, he decided to stay. Without his shirt on. (Remember what I said about dads and desperate measures?)

The conversations I had with my husband (and our fathers!) about their responsibility to keep things like that from ever happening again are contents for another post. What I do want you to hear is what I learned from that incident:

Sometimes as leaders, we are a lot like shirtless dad at the pirate party. We don’t know when it’s time to just call it a day.

We have a really good run with a product and instead of celebrating the success and moving on to the next, we try to squeeze just a little bit more out of it. Or things start going south with an employee and we keep pouring more resources and energy into turning their performance around even after it’s clear there is no recovery in sight.

As Dr. Henry Cloud describes in his excellent book, Necessary Endings, we all have a hard time letting go of things whose time has passed. Bringing about a necessary ending can be difficult and yet life-giving. Endings are a natural part of every aspect of life (whether a project or pirate party) and by embracing them, we can focus our energies on what really needs our attention (whether another project or a sick kiddo).

Is there a necessary ending you need to bring about in your leadership life?

Are you the shirtless dad at the pirate party?

When I wrote my last post about the lessons God has taught me through pregnancy, I had not yet learned the gender of my first child. Since then I have, and I am proud to announce that I am having a boy!!!!

Now I must admit that this came as quite a shock to me. I was SURE that I was having a girl. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind. And because I was so certain of my child’s gender, I had already begun to think about how to raise a faithful Christian woman.

As I thought about my future with a daughter, there was one fear that weighed heavily on my heart, as well as my husband’s. In fact, it weighed so heavily on my husband that he secretly wanted to have a boy!

Although it is probably sheer coincidence, my husband and I both had negative experiences with “bossy older sisters.” Within our own families and others, we observed a recurring family hierarchy in which the first child, a daughter, reigned over her siblings like a queen. And to be perfectly honest, I was that sister. I have one sibling—a younger brother—and for reasons I cannot explain to you now, I was bossy. Real bossy. In fact, I think my 30 year-old brother still has flashbacks whenever I raise my voice too loud.

Again, our experiences could be pure coincidence. I am quite sure that not every older sister is a nightmare. I am certain that many female first children are magnificent and caring and responsible and good. But the pattern in our own lives led me to wonder if there was anything behind the trend. As a mother, how could I prevent my daughter from becoming a bossy little girl?

As I mulled over this question I formulated a hypothesis, and I would be interested to hear your own thoughts on it. So here goes:

When I was growing up, adults were very intentional about teaching boys to harness their strength. This emphasis manifested itself in many different ways, but it was especially apparent in the commandment that, under NO circumstances, should a boy ever, EVER hit a girl.

I am grateful that adults took the time to convey this message to boys. It’s an important one. But the funny thing is that adults spent less time teaching girls how to harness their strength. Perhaps this is because girls are, in general, smaller and less physically threatening, but that is not the only way to measure strength. Girls and women are very strong, and one of the ways females exercise their strength is through verbal communication—the abuse of which is sometimes bossy-ness.

That said, I can’t help but wonder if this different approach to raising up boys and girls is the reason that some girls misuse their power. If girls are not taught that they can hurt people with their strength in the same way that boys can, they are probably more likely to abuse their power. And sometimes they do.

Moving beyond my “hypothesis,” we see plenty of examples of female power in Scripture. The Bible provides us with countless examples of both the good uses and horrible abuses of female strength: Rebekah cunningly manipulated her sons and deceived her husband to acquire Jacob’s blessing; Esther courageously used her influence to save the Jewish people; Delilah exploited her marriage to bring about the downfall of Samson and his people; and Joanna, manager of Herod’s household, financially supported Jesus and the disciples.

Although journalists like Nicholas Kristof have shed light on the powerlessness of many women throughout the world, and we must continue to advocate for those women loudly, it is also worth remembering that women are strong. God has granted us with unique strengths that we can either use to build up the Kingdom, or use in selfish rebellion.

Whether or not my hypothesis about little girls is true, women undoubtedly have strengths that need to be cultivated correctly. The more common conversation among women in the church concerns hardship and overcoming struggle, but that narrative needs to be supplemented. In addition to helping women overcome, the church should also help women identify their gifts and their strengths. If we fail to do this, the strengths of Christian women are not only likely to go unused, but might even be misused.

Recently I was asked by a friend of mine to answer the following questions for her college business class. Everything is focused around leadership and I thought they would be good questions for you to ask yourselves, also. I will post the remaining Q&A in my post next month.

Enjoy!

1. What is one characteristic that you believe every leader should possess? I believe every leader should be a servant. If leaders are only interested in advancing themselves and their agendas, they will not be successful long-term. The more a leader serves those they lead, the more fulfilling their careers will be and the more their teams will elevate them.

2. What is the one behavior or trait that you have seen derail more leaders’ careers? Pride. When a leader is prideful, they do not look for ways to improve or grow. They make themselves a target for others to tear down.

3. Which is most important to your organization—mission, core values or vision? Running a young company, all of these things are essential. Our vision is perhaps most important at this time because we need people to rally around the vision. We are moving to more focus on the mission, and eventually the core values will be solidified. In my opinion, underlying theme for all mission, core values and vision is culture. We are extremely focused on developing a strong culture for our organization.

4. Does a leader need to be motivated? Absolutely. Leaders have a very difficult role and need to be supported in it. If leaders have difficulty getting themselves motivated, they need to be motivated by other leaders as they strive to learn and grow. It can be very lonely to lead an organization because you always want to appear strong and “put together” for those you lead. If you become demotivated as a leader, your team will be demotivated also.

5. Do you believe a leader is born, or made?  I believe some people have no desire to lead and they are not gifted in that capacity. However, for some people, they may be insecure or unsure of their own abilities. Sometimes all it takes for them is to have someone believe in them and encourage them to grow. In that way, I believe a leader can be made.

This post is for all of you high-achievers out there. You pride yourself in being available 24/7 and think every text is like your own personal Bat-signal pleading for you to come to the rescue and save the city. Not taking time off is like a badge of honor you wear with pride. You’ll take a long vacation in Heaven, or maybe after your big project gets launched.

Just a word from experience for the high-achievers: what you contribute is valuable, but you are not the savior of the organization. You do not need to prove your worth and value by working non-stop. Your strength and energy and leadership have limits. Your true identity is not found in what you do for your job, or even for God, but in Christ.

This post is also for those of you who feel more overwhelmed at the idea of leaving your office than at the endless hours you spend there. You think it’s impossible to take one day off, much less all those vacation days your company gives you. You think you would be burdening others or somehow showing a lack of competence if you let them handle your responsibilities for a few days.

My word of experience for the overwhelmed: the work you do is important, but the to-do list will never be completely checked off. There will always be another email to answer, another project on the horizon, another person wanting your input. You don’t need to prove your dedication. You will not be abandoning your team by stepping away for a day or two.

As leaders, extended time away from our work brings much needed replenishment and joy. In her article titled “Should Leaders Go On Vacation?”, author and Harvard Business School professor Rosabeth Moss Kanter had this to say,

“Is there a connection between vacations and creativity, vacations and health? I think so. Pauses refresh. Everyone needs down-time to renew, reenergize, and re-bond with family. Time away while accumulating new experiences can stimulate imagination and support innovation. In short, making the link between time off and time on can be broadly beneficial.”

Obviously, when taking your vacation days you will: plan ahead, be sensitive to the timing of major initiatives in your workplace, request approval from your boss with plenty of notice, tie-up loose ends for your colleagues, and change your voicemail and email auto response.  You will also set up the appropriate boundaries needed with your co-workers and clients so that you aren’t just working from another location but are truly experiencing a break from your work.

My challenge for all of us: try and use every vacation day you have this year. Use an afternoon for a long nap or a matinee, a day to hang out with a friend, or a week to go to the beach. Your body, mind, and soul will be better for it. And so will your leadership.

Questions for reflection:

Do you find it hard to take time off?

What do you think is really behind your hesitation?

If you’ve NEVER felt inadequate, don’t read any further.  I had to explain to my 6 year old daughter this week what inadequate means.  It’s tough to put feelings into words, so I told her it’s like when she takes a test at school and doesn’t have all of the answers.  I shared with her that I feel that way at work…a lot.

She took comfort in knowing mom doesn’t have all the answers.  When I was doing my devotions this morning, I also took comfort in the fact that I know I don’t need to have all the answers.

Genesis 41:15-16 –Pharaoh said to Joseph, “I had a dream, and no one can interpret it.  But I have heard it said of you that when you hear a dream you can interpret it.”   “I cannot do it,” Joseph replied to Pharaoh, “but God will give Pharaoh the answer he desires.”

This passage jumped out at me because Joseph had interpreted dreams in the past.  He knew how to do it and could have easily taken credit.  Yet, he took this huge opportunity with Pharaoh to give credit to God for his gift.  There are times when I feel inadequate to do something, even when I’ve done it in the past.  I need to be mindful to give God the credit and allow Him to work through my weaknesses.

After Joseph interpreted the dream, he recommended Pharaoh put someone in charge of Egypt to manage the 7 years of prosperity and plan for the 7 years of famine.  Recognizing God as the source of Joseph’s wisdom, Pharaoh chose him to manage the country.  Had Joseph been acting with pride, arrogance or selfish intent, his interpretation and motives would have been self-serving.  Pharaoh would have probably seen right through it and Joseph would have gone back to the dungeon.

I believe God elevates us when we acknowledge Him first.  Allow Him to place you in positions of authority, even when you feel inadequate.  It is through your weakness that He can be glorified.  It is much more rewarding when God ‘promotes’ you than when you promote yourself.

Have you ever wondered if men have a special connection to Jesus because he was a man?

Not all Christian women ask this question but some certainly do, which makes it a question worth considering. After all, Jesus represented humankind though there are some experiences he clearly never had. He wasn’t a woman.

What does this mean us ladies?

The Bible tells us that, from the standpoint of salvation, Jesus represented us all, not just one particular gender. Hebrews 4:15 explains, “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.” Likewise, church theologians have historically affirmed the fullness of Jesus’ humanity and the representative nature of his human experience. In St. Anselm’s Cur Deus Homo (Why God Became Man) he famously wrote of the debt that humanity alone owed but God alone could pay.

Inherent in both Scriptural and traditional statements about Christ’s humanity is the belief that Jesus was fully human and fully able to represent us. And yet, Jesus’ human experience was not like that of many humans. For one thing, he never married, a distinction that separates his human experience from a large bulk of the earth’s population. But even more significantly, Jesus’ male gender means he did not share in the experience of a half of the earth’s population.

That said, there is a question behind the question of how women can relate to a male savior. While few women doubt that they can be saved by a male savior, they do want to know if they are fully known by him. When Jesus was on earth, did he really get women in the way that he got men?

The short answer to that question is yes. Jesus did understand women on the most personal level because he created us. Jesus knows each one of us intimately because he was there at our conception and he knit us together. He knew who we would be and where our lives would take us.

But over the last three months I have learned an additional way in which woman can relate to Jesus, in a uniquely female way.

This winter I became pregnant with my first child and began to experience the symptoms of first trimester sickness. My body’s changes came as quite as shock! As someone who has had NO major health issues my entire life, it was rather jarring to experience such extended nausea and fatigue. My body has always done what I wanted it to (except in the realm of athletics!) so those three months represented a loss of control that I did not readily embrace.

This pregnancy has taught me, in a way that I did not understand before, that bringing new life into this world entails the laying down of my own body. To create new life, I must sacrifice my own comfort and well-being. But out of that sacrifice springs forth a new body and a new soul.

In this way, pregnancy is a beautiful analogy of Christ’s sacrifice. Though the pains of pregnancy and labor are nothing compared to the pains of crucifixion, it is nevertheless one of the closest pictures we have of what happened on the cross. In both instances, a physical body suffers in order that a new birth can occur. While there are plenty of other ways in which Christians can model this analogy (ie. laying ourselves down in sacrificial ways to bring about the salvation of others), it is rare that one’s physical sacrifice literally breeds new life.

Now, I don’t think that mothers have a monopoly on understanding the sacrifice of Christ anymore than married people have a monopoly on understanding Christ’s relationship to the church. However, I do think this is one area of womanhood in which we have a unique connection to Jesus. As I continue to endure the hardships of pregnancy, I can hear divine echoes amidst the illness. When I feel tired and cranky or nauseous, I can remember the sacrifices that Christ made to give me new life. As I experience my morning sickness and fatigue, I get to participate in a faint reflection of the same life-giving sacrifice modeled by Christ, all the while praying that my sacrifice leads not only to a new child, but one day a child of God as well.

Several years ago, a woman we’ll call Rita came to me carrying a big bag of offenses for her friend, Sherry. Sherry was extremely angry with me, deeply disappointed by my leadership, and quite confident I was a liar. As I sat across from Rita, she demanded I explain myself. She recounted, incorrectly, the conversations I had with Sherry and wanted to know why I said those things and how I could hurt someone like that. Ouch.

I listened. I tried to pray for compassion. I sorted through the fact and fiction of what she was saying. When it finally came time for me to respond, I realized I didn’t have a whole lot to say.

I shared with her how I was truly sorry Sherry was hurting. I went on to say I would not be sharing details of my previous conversations with Sherry as they were private – and it would not be honoring of Sherry, or appropriate for me to share them, even if I felt like it would correct or complete the one-sided story she had heard. And then I told Rita I was doing my absolute best, with God’s help, to lead and love others in the middle of some very difficult circumstances. And that was all I said.

This was not the first or last time I have had this kind of conversation and had to choose with all my will to be silent; to choose not to go toe-to-toe with someone, or their friend, who is misrepresenting me or the situation. Silence is both a refining spiritual discipline and a defining leadership discipline. As a spiritual discipline, silence allows us to clear out the clutter our never-ending supply of words brings to our daily lives. As a leadership discipline, silence sets us apart from the chaos of conflicting reports of “he-said, she-said” when emotions run high.

When preparing to respond to someone, THINK through the following questions before speaking:
T: Is it true?
H: Is it honoring to the other person?
I: Is it inspiring?
N: Is it necessary?
K: Is it kind?
If your answer is “no” to any of these questions, silence might be your best response.

Now, I am not saying that you should never defend yourself. I believe healthy confrontation and a biblical approach to conflict resolution are an essential part of great leadership. However, sometimes in the name of “setting the record straight” we are actually just trying to win people to our side of the conflict- to get our friends or followers to forge an alliance and take up our offenses instead.

Sometimes the most appropriate and loving response in a difficult situation is the most disciplined as well: silence.

I first heard about Street GRACE when Christine Caine spoke at Catalyst in 2010.  With all of the amazing messages at the conference, Christine’s stood out to me the most.  She spoke about the epidemic of human trafficking, wherein 27 million people are enslaved around the world.  The phrase that rocked me the most was, “Church, we let this happen on our watch.”  She transitioned this global problem to a local problem when she introduced Street GRACE and this powerful video.

Street GRACE is an alliance of Christian churches, community partners and volunteers that supports and collaborates with individuals and organizations dedicated to eradicating the commercial sexual exploitation of children (CSEC).  In my home state of Georgia, 500 children are victimized each month.  Street GRACE is on a mission to see this number reduced to ZERO.

After Catalyst, I went home, raised my kids, started my business, attended my church and went on about my life.  But that phrase continued to rock me.  “Church, we let this happen on our watch.”  I could never shake the reality that now I knew too much and could not turn a blind eye.  I knew about the epidemic and, as part of the Body of Christ, it was my responsibility to protect those innocent girls.  I have a 6 year old girl and girls not much older than her are being victimized in my ‘back yard’.  It was time to stop only praying about it.  It was time to get involved.

Last week I attended the 4th annual Lobby Day to raise awareness of this issue with the Georgia legislators.   It was a powerful rally where volunteers gave of their time and talents to advocate for reform that will protect children and prosecute those who violate them.  Many city and state officials spoke at the rally and it made me realize I was joining a movement.  There are many people who have made stopping CSEC their life’s work and I’m privileged to be a part.

The day after Lobby Day, I received an email from my friend who is a lieutenant for a local police force.  He received a notice from the GBI for an upcoming training session to teach the front line officers how to recognize and recover child sex trafficking victims.  For me, this training represented the transition of a big, overwhelming concept from Catalyst in 2010 to the practical steps needed to rescue a child.  I am so proud to see the impact we can have when we come together for a common cause.

What are you advocating for?

Here’s a better question…what should you be advocating for that you just have not done anything about, yet? 

What’s holding you back?

I have a confession to make: I am a faithful Grey’s Anatomy fan. Even though it’s gotten more and more ridiculous each season, it’s like a car accident – I just can’t look away. Every week, Meredith and her community of surgical mavens make me cry, cringe, and realize my life is pretty relaxing. One episode recently even inspired deep thoughts about leadership…

Cristina (the driven, cardio surgical resident) was approached by her mentor (Teddy) who basically said she had nothing left to teach her – Cristina was that good. So, Teddy asked Cristina to put together a list of her dream surgeries – nothing was off limits – and said she would do her best to see that she got to perform as many of those surgeries as possible.

It made me think, what would I say if my boss or mentor made me the same offer? What experiences would I love to have as a leader? What if my mentor could make a call, a decision, an introduction, or a contribution that could pave the way for a once-in-a-lifetime experience? What would I choose, and why?

What would make the cut for your leadership bucket list? Having a coffee interview with a leader you admire? Proposing your book idea to your all-time favorite author? Do you want to lead the creative sessions with the CEO, or start a non-profit, or get a behind-the-scenes look at the work of your favorite organization in a remote region of the world?

And what does the list look like for those you lead? What if YOU could make someone else’s dream experience a reality?

I’m still working on my list. So far, I’ve got: speak at a TED conference, eat pie with Oprah (why not?), publish a collaborative book on leadership for women, and create an international coaching partnership for young women leaders.

What would your leadership bucket list look like?