Culture Medium for a Medium Culture

I said I must be fine because my heart's still beating

2011-11-16T09:32:00.001-06:00

I wanted to try and actually capture some of this while it was happening - if nothing else, this blog can serve as One Man's Descent Into Madness as things get less and less coherent over the hours....

Tuesday night was an absolute blast - it was strange, as it didn't feel like a marathon yet and most of the evening was over perfectly normal improv hours, it wasn't until Mustache Rangers had the punchiest set I have ever seen them do that it really started to sink in.

The Minneapples arrived at 8am for their set, thanks to the generous donations of everyone Tuesday night - they were unanimously voted for by those in attendance so we got to see the "before" and "after" of a Minneapples sleepover. It was STRANGE.

Then into a bat with Batarang - better to sit in the dark in the morning when everyone is having coffee than in the middle of the night when eyelids get heavy.
Miss Coco Belle did her pageant-improv set, in case your morning wasn't uncomfortably weird enough yet and now Bunnies In A Cup are absolutely killing a musical form at 9:30am. All of this just goes to show what it is I love about this place and this art - it is stranger than you could ever predict, the performers are some of the most quietly talented people I have ever met and the performances are far more funny and beautiful than you could possibly prepare yourself for.

Wednesday mid-day has been unusual - on a normal night it can feel awkward for everyone involved when you perform for 2 or 3 people in the house, during the Improv A Thon it's been remarkably fun and casual and never lacking energy. We know people have jobs and things they have to take care of on a Wednesday afternoon and we appreciate the Iron Audience Members that have been here watching all the madness we are churning out.
Bree, Krefting and Sid - we love you guys.
The numbers in the room have ebbed and flowed but things have never dragged.
Time has ceased to have any meaning for a couple times when I was shocked to walk into the lobby and see daylight - when you're doing what you would normally do at 10pm, with people that you normally only see around 10pm it can be easy to forget that's actually 11 o clock in the morning!

I will end up posting a recap and thank you with the results on the HUGE blog, since it's official business and all, but there is a personal side as well - with personal thanks in order.
Tane Danger came up with this idea and as soon as he did it made so much sense. He was absolutely right on about the vibe of the event and the whole day and I'm glad he saw what we should be doing well in advance instead of us waiting until too close to the day and suddenly saying "y'know what we SHOULD do?!?" - what little planning and organizing time we had was because he put us in motion early.

Molly Chase is amazing. Any time I say "planning" or "organizing" you can assume I mean Molly Chase. She's our Managing Director out of the goodness of her heart and the extra time and work she has put into this in addition to putting HUGE Theater on track is truly stunning.

I just came off stage for the .... seventh time today and there are only 5 hours and some change left to go before I get to wearily try and express my deep, deep gratitude to everyone that make HUGE a place where things like this happen.

On top of all the other amazing things I have gotten to see and be part of today, Ferrari McSpeedy is on our stage and Splendid Things is up next. Find me a better line up and I will tell you that you are mistaken.

I am the luckiest idiot there is.

We've got a long way to go but we'll get there.

2011-11-16T00:42:00.001-06:00

Give To The Max Day Blog

I hate asking for money. We all do.
We would all rather focus on the fun and the laughs and the shows.
Nobody wants to be the person to interrupt all the fun with the plea to give, but we have to.
The good news is that anything you give today has a chance to go a lot further - GiveMN is awarding prizes up to $10,000 to the non-profit that brings in the most donations, plus hourly drawings for "golden tickets" that give an extra $1000 to the cause of your choosing - plus a special $10,000 Grand Golden Ticket just before Midnight.

Plus, HUGE is giving prizes to the group that raises the most money to help them go to improv festivals elsewhere in the country. Help them. Help HUGE. Help HUGE help them.

Go here - pick your favorite group and give.
http://givemn.razoo.com/team/Improvathon

While you're there, become a Member of HUGE Theater and support us all year long - it counts towards out GTMD totals and gets you free tickets, discounted drinks and a ton of stuff. Maybe if we do well enough at this we can spend less time asking for money and more time just having fun.

And we have fun like nobody else.

As wicked as it may seem...as wicked as everything could be

2011-11-01T10:43:00.001-05:00

It's been a while since I wrote about parenting - mostly because that's my wife's area of writing and because people that write about parenting so a non-parenting audience can understand just how hard it really is sound like assholes.

It should go without saying that we spend all our time and energy trying to ensure that our children have all the opportunities they can, are as happy as they can be and that we're teaching them as best we know how so they can succeed in any way we can prepare them for.
But I'll say it - we do. Everything we do is the long process of moving our children from this safe, tiny little world at home and into the big, scary world outside in a way that helps them feel ready and helps us not spend every second they're outside the home in a state of white-knuckled terror, wondering if they are ok out there.

I think this is the core of why raising a child with autism is so difficult - they don't experience the world the same way we do, inside or outside. Not only that but they don't experience our teachings about the world in the same way we do, or that we mean them to.
They experience the world in a fundamentally different way in almost every respect - I wanted to use the metaphor that it's like trying to prepare someone for something when you don't speak the same language but that doesn't do it since at least those two people experience whatever you're trying to prepare them for (the world) in the same manner and at least have that common experience to relate to.

The process of trying to imagine what the difference is like trying to illustrate one of those 4th dimensional shapes that computers can't even model and the human mind staggers at trying to even comprehend - My child's brain experiences things in such a way that is so fundamentally different that the way that my brain does that I can barely comprehend the differences, much less compensate for them.

A more fitting metaphor would be like trying to first invent a language to share with a person, knowing that you aren't looking at the same things - and you aren't ever going to get an accurate idea of what they are seeing - and having your new language first translated to one you don't understand, with different verbs and syntax, and then into their native language - so you can never be sure of the message you're sending or the condition it's in when it arrives.

This is hyper-dramatic. My little boy is actually very high-functioning and I am lucky in that way - he still experiences the world in a different way than I do not but the similarities are numerous enough that some people would never notice. But when I try to relate to what he's going through I have to accept that nothing I know may mean anything. I can see what happens around him and may have gone through the exact same scenario but I may never understand what he experienced in the same situation.
I might always feel powerless to help, and THAT is the hard part.

If you're trying to help someone in a wheelchair, you build a ramp
If you're trying to help someone that is deaf, you learn sign language
If you're trying to help someone that has autism you may never be certain what the challenges are and even if you did, you may never understand what exactly your child needs to take them on.

But you can't not try. You don't ever stop trying to find what helps, but that will never make it easy and it will NEVER free you from worry. You will worry every day of your child's life, like every parent does with every child - except you won't have any examples of what has worked in the past that you can apply directly to your child so you can tell yourself that you taught them what they needed in the way that works best. You can never know that, you can never relax, you can never be sure.
And then you will worry that the things you try are making it worse, that your constant trying itself might be a problem, that your constant worry might be encroaching on your child's happiness, even that you might be part of the problem....and what you could do about that.

It's the uncertainty. It is hard. It is exhausting.

If you gave any parent any given scenario about their child being in danger or needing help and asked them what they would do, they would probably stare at you like you were stupid. That isn't a question. There is never a decision-making process, you just DO what your child needs and you never even need to ask yourself if there's any other option.
It's like the human interest stories they always trot out on Oprah or whatever - the parent that throws themselves over their kid in a tornado and takes a 2x4 through the spine. They didn't decide to do that, it was never up for decision. It was certain. Not to belittle the sacrifices any parent makes, but that is EASY.

Imagine taking that parent (which is every parent) and put them in a room full of unlabeled buttons and switches and flashing lights and tell them that their child needs help...needs them to DO SOMETHING but nothing to indicate what that might be - you would see something truly hard to comprehend. Something truly heart-breaking to watch.

Uncertainty. Stress. Fear of action. Fear of inaction. Second-guessing. Heartbreak. Sorrow. Self-Doubt. More fear. Anxiety. Crippling anxiety. You would see parents offer to trade anything, including themselves, just to know WHAT to do, so they could just do it. But that isn't an option. You will see them hate the world for being a place they need to protect their children from. You will see them hate themselves for failing to do so. But still...You must do SOMETHING.

I try to keep reminding myself that we're doing something. That we're trying. That's all we can do.
At least we can see our little boy and he can communicate with us, we can see when he's happy and when he is not and at least we can know when our actions move him in one direction or the other.
We might not know what to do, but we have that.

Many people raising kids with autism do not have even that, and my heart goes out to them.

I know my cough sounds awful, some nights it hurts a bit to breathe. I'm glad it's just my body, I do my business on the Street.

2011-10-23T18:54:00.000-05:00

Post-Fest thoughts...finally.

What? I know, I know. It's been a while, but here is my brain finally closing down the Nerd Parade for the year - maybe it was the fact that George and I had 2 weekends of shows in Wisconsin that made it feel like the season was still churning along in some ways, I don't know. I kept sitting down to write this but I kept feeling like I said the same thing last year or what I was saying wasn't able to capture what I meant, just saying "I have fun" doesn't cut it.

[the Clown]
I don't know what the fuck is wrong with that guy. And I certainly don't understand why people put up with him.
I started doing this stupid character a few years back and it's been an...odd...trip. I came out of the puppet troupe to do it, and had some experience doing "clowning" in the puppets even though I have no formal training in either. I was used to being the opposite of myself in the Jester puppet and took a lot from that, because the Clown needs to be a lot of things I am not. It's strange what you'll find when you spend many, many hours and situations doing the opposite of what you're comfortable with - and the corrosive effects that has on your sense of boundaries and propriety.
In real life I hate having my picture taken, I actually do try to maintain good manners and be thoughtful and I'm nowhere near as forward or as cocky as that fucking weirdo in the hat is - but I've gotten good at reacting the way he would when given the chance and it's fun to sit in the passenger seat in my mind and watch what happens in his wake.
There are so many things I spend a lot of time dissecting about my street performing, or performing as the Clown in general, and there are still lots of things I don't know how I know but they just make sense. Like, breaking down the process of how the audience knows what to do and how we get on the same page. Consciously, I'm at a loss to explain it but if you put me in front of a crowd I can gather a pretty accurate sense of what the rules are, what I can bend and the games I can play - from there, it's just pushing the game until it breaks. And then seeing what games we can make out of the pieces. And so on.

[Kids]
I love working with kids - kids are awesome. Kids know the game, they get the rules and they don't sweat the rest.
I do struggle with the idea that I imagine people like Twig have to deal with in a much more extreme way, that children come out there with such high expectations of me and the weird emotions that go with that - I don't want to let down some kid that spent the whole day looking for me but I also have to eat, make it to shows, breathe every so often, make it to more shows, play with these other kids, etc.

[George]
I always want to avoid posting about individuals but I can't write about Festival and not about George. There's George and then there's everyone else as far as Festival goes.

Twenty. Fucking. Years.
We have been doing this in one form or another for the last TWO DECADES and I don't think it's ever gotten any less fun or any more rational.
We both understand Festival, we both understand how the other understands Festival and we just love doing it together.
We hit a point in one of our best shows this year where the silliness and sheer absurdity of it all just came crashing in - George looked at me with a moment of realization and said "THIS is what we do?!?" while laughing his ass off. We spend so much time in our shows laughing it's hard to believe we're also entertaining anyone else. I love our show and all the stupid things we do all day long.
Yes. This is what we do. We have more fun than anyone should. We get to play as hard and fast and crazy as we can and know that it'll be ok because the other one will be able to handle it - not that we've gotten predictable to one another, far from it - if there's anyone out there that keeps me on my toes and keeps pushing me to be better, stay focused and never lose the fun that makes it all work instead of making it all feel like work - it's George.

[Mark]
Mark is a fucking awesome straight man.
If you can't learn from watching him, you can't learn.

[Everyone else]
Thank you all.
I may not understand why some of this works, I may not understand why you let me get away with any of it. But when I find myself destroyed on Monday morning, completely exhausted and unable to move, I know that am lucky as hell. Best. Job. Ever. I say it as a joke almost every day but I am aware of it and I appreciate it every single time.

The truth fades but the ink stains

2011-10-20T19:31:00.001-05:00

Owen is still having trouble in school - he had another really hard day on Tuesday (they had a short week this week) and I worry about him. We're moving on getting a specialist from the district in to observe him since the people at his school mean well but none of them are trained to handle it and they're essentially learning on the job with Owen.

Part of his meltdowns I can totally relate to - and it hurts to think of him going through the same things I did and not be able to do something to help, or stop it or lessen it somehow. He has autism, yes, so he handles things in a different way and part of that I will never be able to relate to or fully understand. It's been joked about that I could have probably gotten a diagnosis somewhere on the spectrum myself, but back when I was his age it was just labelled as "tantrums" or "issues" - we've come a long way in the nomenclature, but it seems like we're still having the same trouble.

While I don't claim that my experiences are the same as Owen's - I think part of Owen's experience is the same as mine. Maybe if I can relate to that part we can lessen the number of issues and give him less to deal with instead of wishing he was better at dealing with it all, over and over again.

Anyway.
I used to have episodes in 3rd grade as well, I can remember them so clearly. That's the weird thing. I would be hard pressed to tell you details about most of that year beyond maybe my teacher's name, but I can remember the episodes with such clarity. I had outbursts in class that totally freaked people out and had me permanently feeling like the "weird kid" as a result, the emotions around which followed me for years and years that totally guided my behavior to compensate.

We had moved that year to a new school and I was included in the new gifted program - all kinds of things that will alienate a kid - I was totally textbook gifted kid as well, super concerned about finishing quickly and getting perfect scores...totally Aidan. But I never remember being competitive about it, I was in class with other kids that also went to the gifted class with me and I don't remember being upset about them doing better than me - but I was totally experiencing stress and anxiety over my perceived intelligence and the performance that was expected of me, which is something a 3rd grader isn't really equipped to handle emotionally.

There were days where I would be in physical pain from worry. I had headaches, stomachaches, I got physically ill, all from constant stress. But my teachers didn't really respond to vague complaints from the weird new kid (which of course made my stress worse) so there were a few times that I ended up with my head on my desk in tears with my classmates staring at me. Which of course made it worse. The cycle gets worse and worse.

There were times where I didn't honestly understand why or what was happening, eventually, but I would suddenly just break down. Usually it was in class where I felt all the pressure to just fit in and be normal. But I was so aware of all the social weight of my past outbursts pressing down on me, even if I had a normal day I was still embarrassed an alienated by what had happened before. Sometimes there was nothing I was reacting to except all the built-up feelings about all the outburst that came before - which made the next outburst seem so totally unmotivated...and therefore even more weird to the people around me.
So the act of keeping it together became harder and harder and sometimes I would just find myself having what I didn't realize until much, much later in life were full-blown panic attacks. In third grade. Third grade kids shouldn't have anxiety attacks. But I sure was. Out of nowhere I would just become overwhelmed and paralyzed by emotion, and it panicked me because I didn't want to freak out in class (again), which made the emotions worse and suddenly I would be sitting there with tears coming out of my eyes for no reason at all.
Being the weird kid. Again.

When we're old enough, we get to reinvent ourselves as people that have things figured out and we don't have to be that kid that had full blown panic attacks in elementary school anymore, at least that's what I did. It's no surprise that I was drawn toward an art form where I can act any way I want and not only am I not "weird" for it - it's an ability other people are astonished by.

But that's the thing - there's no starting over with social stigma for kids in that little fishbowl that is school.
When Owen has a breakdown at home we can get him through it and he's able to go on knowing that the way we feel about him has not changed at all and we don't see him any differently because of yesterday. With kids in school there isn't that clean slate where he can relax and try again, there's always the negative feelings dragging behind him from the last thing. If he starts out embarrassed or anxious, it might be because each thing isn't an isolated thing - it's the next thing. And I can tell you there's nothing more painfully embarrassing that trying to pull it together quietly, wishing everyone would stop staring at you and forget what just happened - it's a lonely place and it's a nearly impossible task.

I have a lunch date with Owen on Sunday and I am going to try and talk to him about all this so he knows his dad went through some of the same emotions that get him so elevated in school, too. To know that his meltdowns don't need to be his identity.
I want to encourage him to talk to his classmates about it as well, something that the school is already weird about - when he was sent home last time they wanted to make sure Owen had an answer about what happened in case the other kids asked - I want him to be able to address the fact that he has outbursts as a fact that he deals with, and be able to talk about them instead of quietly wondering if people have forgotten about the last weird thing he did and letting that worry drive him to the next one.

Listen as the tiny monsters hump the harlequin

2011-10-19T19:15:00.004-05:00

Crap Job Blog ::

Today they came and quietly put a memo on everyone's desk saying there had been a large number of complaints lately of people hanging up on customers, and pointed out in the same paragraph that they record and track every call so they can easily tell who is hanging up on customers - their wording, they pointed out that they can easily do it.

The next paragraph proceeded to take away everyone's email, web access, reading, homework and even TALKING TO YOUR COWORKERS unless you are on a break. We cannot have anything on our desks that isn't immediately related to the calls we are taking.

So we literally were told that they know who the problems are coming from but they're going to punish everyone - and in between calls we are to do nothing but stare straight ahead at our screens. The girl across from me is a team lead and asked several times - "so we're just supposed to sit and do...NOTHING?" and was told yes, that is the case.

We were also informed that if call quality gets above 97% (a level I am told it has never, ever hit before) then we can go back to "having items on our desks"

I don't know about you but nothing makes me want to focus on doing a great job for someone like having them tell me that even though I'm already doing a great job, I'm being punished for someone else being a fuck up.

The irresistible force met the immovable object...

2011-10-18T13:01:00.000-05:00

Bike blog :: A bunch of random stuff

[Gear]
Still working it all out, figuring out what works and what does not. What I need, what I can spare and what I should not do anymore. Got some better lights, got some better under-layers, getting a better backpack so I can stop fighting with a 10 pound messenger bag trying to work its way under my arm while I'm trying to not crash speeding down a giant hill or working my ass off trying to climb one.

Dug out an REI rain jacket we got for Anthony on one of his camping trips - I hadn't even considered using it before and it turns out it's probably the best designed jacket I've ever worn. Not only is it waterproof, windproof, lightweight and full of pockets, zippers and cords right where I need them - it's probably warmer than some of my winter coats when it's all closed up. Score.

[The route]
I was using the iPhone to track my ride, or my iPod timer to track my time and I think I'm going to quit that. If I arrive where I'm going on time, then I made my ride in good time. But tracking my ride had caused me to adjust my route a few times and I've been happy going back to the first one I had.
The fastest route I found was straight up our street to Lyndale and then straight up that to HUGE - which is BORING AS HELL. Plus I think the fact that the majority of the hills and hard parts of the ride were still in the same city where I started made it feel endless and I would dread it. Whereas I can head south on Xerxes and, after a gauntlet of senior citizens around Southdale, be in Edina and then into Minneapolis.
Not only does it get me to some more bike-friendly streets faster, it feels like I'm making progress going from one area to the next, as opposed to just grinding it out in Bloomington on streets I am all too familiar with and then finally hitting Minneapolis for the last 8-10 minutes of the ride.

[Trying not to become one of THOSE assholes]
I have had so few good experiences dealing with hardcore bikers - from people that feel the need to tell me that I don't need a car based on the fact that they don't need a car, the pricks that I encounter when driving to the complete and total assholes that seem to make up the Critical Mass rides...and yes, that's from direct experience with some of them, person-to-person. I don't dislike the organization or the idea behind it. But man...if you're looking for a horrible public face to put on a cause, they would be a great example. Anyhow.
I drive and I bike - I have been trying to bike more because it's better for me, I save money and I am enjoying it. I also drive because I have a family, job and things that sometimes require a vehicle. When I bike I try to keep in mind the things I experience as a driver and vice versa - and I think it would be good for everyone that bikes regularly to be required to get behind the wheel every so often. It would make them better cyclists and hopefully make some of them realize when they're being pricks.

Just a couple examples - I mean you, girl in all black with no lights on riding at 1am that screamed at me when I was pulling out into traffic. I wasn't ignoring you because I'm an asshole that thinks he owns the road and has no respect for bikes. You were invisible. And a fucking idiot.
And you, biker that was weaving back and forth across the center lane traffic, pedaling at a leisurely pace to piss off drivers and then getting pissed and giving them the finger if they dared lay on the horn at you while you were riding next to - but never inside of - the bike lane.
I know cyclists that lobby for that stuff, work to get it put in place so they can be safe and have their space on the road. You're not helping them. In fact, you're working against them. And being an asshole on top of it.
And finally - the guy on Lake street at during rush hour. I was two cars behind you for over a mile, all the cars around you were being respectful, sharing the road and there were no problems. Until you stopped at a green light. Then people got on their horns, which made instantly turn around, give them the finger and yell something about "having the right to be on the road" - which wasn't the issue at all. You. stopped. at. a. green. light.
Drivers were using the only tool a car has to tell you to do something differently. Not every horn means "get off the road" and sometimes you're at fault, moron. Consider it before you get into your self-righteous stance with your middle finger out.

Assholes: Stop it. You're not helping anyone. You are behaving like entitled brats that can't handle the responsibility of being on the road.

Not everyone in a car is anti-biker. Some of them are bikers and really fucking aware and courteous drivers that are sick of being lumped in with you when they're on their bikes and yelled at by you when they're behind the wheel.
I try to be a courteous biker, as a result. I see drivers doing some of the same things I do when I navigate around bikes and I try to react accordingly and be aware of what they can/can't see, how much room they need, maybe even smile and wave when someone scoots over to give me room at a light or is aware enough to wave me through when they're turning so I know they see me.
We can all share better. When someone is doing it poorly shouldn't be the only time you communicate with the people you're sharing the road with.

[Driving]
I have crossed that weird threshold with exercise where I get antsy when I can't do it - so now when I end up having to drive on a day I could bike it bums me out. That's a good thing, I suppose. I still haven't reached the point where I can make it through a ride on a cold, windy morning without thinking I should just pull over, call my wife and have her come pick me up. I haven't done it yet, but it's been close a couple times.
Trying to balance the things I need to do that require a car with wanting to bike every time I'm not going to Plymouth to work has kind of sucked and is getting in the way of some things. I would really like to get some sheets of masonite and some 5 gallon buckets of paint for the theater but that falls into the category of "need a car" that the hardcore assholes swear doesn't exist.
Still working on that one. Pretty happy with all the progress above, though.

This is the life, this is the Free nobody else gets.

2011-09-19T12:12:00.002-05:00

I wish like hell George and I were the type of performers that thought ahead to have someone shoot video of our shows for our own use and review and things like that - sadly, we both enjoy the fleeting nature of what we do and the fact that you can't really hang onto the shows, even when it makes it difficult to explain the shows to other people that we might want to show it to or how badly we might want to learn from the really great moments.

Sunday we had a morning rain show - we love rain shows.
The audience may be smaller in number but they are 100% people that really want to be there and see what we're doing. The energy was high, we were having a blast and the timing was really flowing. It was the right balance of well executed show and making each other laugh and having fun while doing the well executed show.
I would gladly point to that show as us in top form.

The late show was the polar opposite - from the very beginning our "normal" routine was off the rails. not because of problems, but because we collectively made the decision to just take everything off the rails and find out what madness we could slam into. We screwed with each other WAY more than normal but managed to bring the audience along for the ride so everyone was in on the weird and could laugh at the mistakes.
We do try to be aware that the audience is just as hot/sticky/wet/cold as we are and they also have other stuff to do and shows they want to see, so at one point we asked how long we had been going. Someone shouted "WE DON'T CARE" - which was the best thing we could have heard back at that point, which was already well over our normal show length.
We ended up doing our longest show ever, afterward George and I were backstage laughing ourselves to tears over some of it, that's how much fun we have doing our show.

At the end of days like that, I often feel strange about asking for money.
Instead I feel we owe the audience our gratitude and thanks and we should stand in the back and thank every single one of them for what they have given us - a chance to do what we do.
Every once and a while we really do it right and we wouldn't get there if not for people coming to see us be weird and stupid and funny on those days and all the other times leading up to those days.
I have the chance to stroll out onstage twice a day, fifteen days a year and have more fun than anyone else ever has. I am lucky as hell and I am sensible enough to know it.
Thank you all for that

Through all this evil and wreckage, he maintained a sense of himself

2011-09-08T09:05:00.001-05:00

I found the above photo while going through some things this year - specifically the photo books from when I used to give tattoos. It's the last known image of a good friend. After I snapped this he climbed into a car with some friends and I never saw him again.

He wasn't the first person I knew that we lost, and he wasn't the last.
But he was certainly one of the best. And not just for the way he died - I've tried over the years to not only remember him for that one thing - When I look back at the times we spent together, they were full of moments that define him in my mind and actually help make sense of why he's gone.

I was sitting next to him once when he got up and stepped in front of a gun when everyone else hit the floor. When other people (me included) yelled for somebody to "do something", he just did it. He was the person that didn't wait for someone else to save his ass. That's just who he was.

I wish he wasn't gone.
I miss him all the time. Especially this time of year.
But I understand why he did what he did - he was just Abe

Last one laughing, laughs the longest

2011-09-06T11:25:00.004-05:00

Back from the long weekend at the Nerd Parade - had some random fragments floating around in my brain.

It's now the end of summer everywhere you look, now that the weather has cooled and the kids are heading back to school all over the place.
This always leads to some kind of reflection on the season - usually on the Festival season for me. We're not even half done with the show but the holiday weekend is always the big hurdle to clear, as it pushes us about as far as we can go, squeezes out all the weird that it can and sends us all home completely wiped out. Mine was a blast....and yes, I'm sore, nursing a slight limp and trying to take it easy on the voice. But man, it was fun.

My boys came out and performed with me on Saturday - that is always a giant treat for me and also something I worry about.
I think my wife thinks that I hesitate to bring them because they'll intrude on my fun or something like that, but really I love having them there and watching how they react to this weird place where you can mess with strangers, sit down in the middle of the street and eat with your hands and strangers will come up and hand you money that it's ok to accept. They have a great time in front of the audience and are actually surprisingly adept at picking up on bits, remembering to face the audience and seem to be fairly natural performers - I couldn't be more proud - and this year they were old enough to get that we weren't at the Festival for fun and I didn't have to keep explaining that going to see shows and ride elephants wasn't the primary focus of the day.
They were amazing all around.

My hesitation to bring them out is more out of a sense of self-preservation.

What I do out there is random, silly, ridiculous fun but it is also incredibly taxing and I usually don't have much, if anything, left at the end of the day.
Asking if I can add in being a good dad, making sure they always know where I am in the crowd (and vice versa), keeping an eye on the kids' needs, making sure they are ok with everything that is going on and leaving some energy and attention for my boys at the end of the day is a tough one.
I don't worry the kids wouldn't get taken care of - I worry that I would finally just clown myself right into the ground. But I do look forward to doing the show with them, it's a special dad-only thing and I'm glad they want to share it with me for now. As it happened, they clowned themselves to pieces on Saturday and spent the night in the tent in an exhausted but happy little coma and were more than ready to go home on Sunday when Mom appeared to bring them back to the world of normal kids.

George's kids also went home on Sunday - the kids all need to rest up for school, after all
That left us both suddenly free of the normal structure of checking in with/on children and both of us were pretty loopy and tired by Monday so the shows were pretty odd, even for us. But still, it was a blast. I don't want to make the long weekend sound like it's all torture, sometimes it's more laughs than anyone can comfortably take in one sitting. Sometimes there are moments of total inspiration, sometimes it's just plain amazing to see what people can do, even when they're pretty sure they don't have the energy to do anything more.

I'm excited for the remaining weekends.
Even though I dread the feeling of the Festival coming quickly to an end, I also know that if I'm doing what I do correctly I will be ready for it to be over when the final show comes to a close. I'm may be a little slow today, maybe more sore than normal and I might make some painful sounding pops and creaks when I stand up but I'm not ready to be done yet.

This is just the break time to catch my breath, ice my injuries and collect my thoughts - see you in the dust.

Shout out, breathe in. Won't you drown in the now.

2011-08-24T16:48:00.004-05:00

Poor Owen is having so much trouble at camp - they are saying he's "this close" to being removed from camp and he's already missed all of the activities where they make the stuff they're supposed to take home to show mom and dad. Sometimes it's a new activity that brings it out, sometimes it's a new group of people that aren't used to Owen that point out what we get used to around our house.

They know he has autism - you can't just say "he needs to stop having autism and shape up if he wants to stay" and expect him to get better. But at the same time I agree with them, since their job is to run a camp where kids can go fishing, not to run a camp where one kid gets to stop everything and they have to focus on him while 31 other children don't get to do any fishing.
But it stirs up a lot of conflicting emotions with mom and dad.

I sat him down and had a talk with him yesterday after a tough day at camp and he was receptive, actually added ideas to the conversation and at the end I hugged him and told all I want is for him to be able to be happy.

I'm sad over the idea that he won't get to do as many of the fun things other kids get to do because he lacks emotional regulation (that's his problem, btw, he's not a biter or a runner or anything) and gets upset and just doesn't know what to do with his feelings. Sometimes it's pure sadness that comes out in sobs, sometimes it's teeth-clenching anger and frustration that I watch him try and communicate through and it just breaks my heart.

I totally don't think that gives him a pass to just act however he chooses (if "chooses" can even be used in this context) when he's upset - he still has to follow the rules if he's to learn how to navigate this world, and he won't learn them if he's not held to them.
I really do believe that, if we coddled him and said he doesn't need to worry about that we would be dooming him to a life unprepared for anything outside our house - and every shocking encounter in the world would just tell him (and us) that he shouldn't ever venture out.

Wanting him to learn those rules is part of it - and he has in the past and come a long, long way. Sometimes you'd never know he has social concerns. And sometimes he actually does respond to being told that he will miss out if he has fits - sometimes that means he clings tenaciously to his tempter through whatever activity it is through sheer willpower, sometimes he's shown an ability to shake it off and be fine as long as he is making a conscious effort not to get angry.
But sometimes he just doesn't seem to be able to make changes he needs to, even when he knows it means he will be even unhappier in the end. He can know that all he wants (and he does, he's very logical) but that doesn't give him the ability any more than my knowing that if I can't dunk I can never be a basketball player will give me the ability to do it.

Also, in not wanting to deprive him of all the experiences he should have, I've maybe erred on the side of putting him in situations he may or may not react well to. I don't know how much pushing is really good parenting and how much is fooling myself. He surprises me all the time by tackling things I would guess would be too much for him as well as getting stuck on things he can talk through but just can't do in practice - it's hard to know when to tell him to brush it off and try harder and when I'm just asking him to do something he'll never be able to do. I can't know and, sadly, the people that have to put up with the learning process are often not people that signed up for the job or are prepared for it in the least.

Just sending him out to inflict that on all the other kids that just want to have fun without him having an episode isn't good parenting at a certain point either, especially since one of those kids is Owen's twin brother. He gets plenty of his fun time spoiled by his brother and that's doubly sad - the idea that neither of them will get to have the fun I wish they could have, or that things will just be closed off to either or both of them is just so hard to accept.
Plus Aidan is at home crying to us that kids "look at him weird" because his brother has fits all the time - that's just such an awful feeling for a little boy to be stuck with.

He just wants to have normal fun and normal friends and do normal activities.
They both just want that. But he can't. They can't. None of us can.

I feel a million miles away, I don't feel anything at all

2011-08-17T18:44:00.000-05:00

the Nerd Parade begins ::

It is that time of year again - when suddenly the end of summer is in sight, everyone panics a little bit and runs outside to enjoy the last weeks of warm weather and the Renaissance Festival begins - meaning for the next 7 weeks I will be working during the days, performing several nights and then getting up astoundingly early to drag my nerdy ass out to Shakopee to act like a complete idiot until I almost die.

I am excited, as Festival is always one of the most fun times of the year - I love what I get to do in the streets as a clown and love even more the complete and total stupidity I get to be part of on stage twice a day. It's fun as hell and it is HARD. It is entertaining-as-grueling-endurance-challenge and that always makes for some really unexpected brilliant moments.

I know for a fact I have said this before but I love that place as a performer - and I fully admit that it's a nerdy thing to do and isn't exactly something that actors put on their resume but the audience at that place L-O-V-E-S that show like no other audience loves anything. They drive across states to come to it, they slog through mud and rain to come see it, they plan their weddings and the most important parts of their lives around it.

As a performer that gets to work face to face with the audience (and most of my work is one-on-one, which is insane to think about) that is something amazing to be able to do and I can't think of any other performing experience like it. That's the part that gets me excited about the approaching season, and I really cannot wait for it.

This year has been a strange one, stranger than most years past, since HUGE has kept me busy and out of pre-Fest conversations and preparations and anything that feels like the run-up to Festival, so this season I feel more unprepared than most. That's saying something since I can never even remember or describe what it is I do until I get the costume on and I'm standing behind the front gate listening to the audience get excited to come in - and then it just clicks.

Instead of feeling like I need to figure out what the hell I usually do, this year just feels like a blank slate - I've got the costume and the character and now I just go fucking nuts. And I plan to. See me in a couple weeks when my body is falling apart and I am a broken shell of a human being and I will laugh and say it was still a great idea.

But for now, I'm just looking forward to Saturday morning.
I will listen to "Swing Low", pretend that stretching out will do me any good and then hit that crowd like a bomb wearing clown makeup. Watch out.

Got a pocket full of memories, some happy and some are sad. Got a girl standing by my side through the good times and the bad...

2011-08-05T20:04:00.004-05:00

Is there anybody that still reads this thing?

Google+ has, like Twitter and Facebook before it, stolen all my weird stray thoughts that would otherwise grow into a blog post of some kind. If that's what you're into, feel free to Circle Me or add me to a Circle or whatever the terminology is going to end up being. I have been posting a bunch of photos there from our PCH trip.
I'm actually a fan of Picasa because of the location-aware albums that allow you to see a plot on a map of where all the photos were taken, which makes me much more inclined to post photos to G+ already, never mind the growing dissatisfaction with Facebook.

So we're on a PCH trip!
Many things aligned just right to make this trip happen - the Fringe Festival took over HUGE for the beginning of August, allowing a much needed break just in time for our TEN YEAR wedding anniversary. Combine that with our boys' edu-travel budget, my wife's travel planning obsession and you've got yourself a multi-state road trip with two small, hyperactive little boys speeding through the mountains!

The trip is being blogged elsewhere, so I haven't been bothering to try.
I just post the photos I take to G+ for later geo-nerding.
But the whole anniversary thing tends to get overshadowed by the scope of the trip.

That's right - ten years ago, on the god-awful hottest day of the entire year, I married my super-hot bride before she had a chance to come to her senses. I figured 6 years of dating was enough time to call her bluff, but she was surprisingly willing to stick to whatever bit she's doing because she's clearly always been way too good for me.
Now, on top of everything else she's done to make my life better every single day, she's decided to take me on a trip down the coast and allow me to stare at her when I'm not watching the road.

She's awesome and wonderful in every way I can think of and I'm clearly the luckiest guy there is, ten years running.
If this is when she finally springs the punchline on me and leaves me in some one-stoplight town in the middle of nowhere - totally worth it.

If this is paradise...I wish I had a lawnmower

2011-07-12T15:20:00.001-05:00

Here is an analogy for something I witness almost every year and it makes me feel like I am losing my mind to watch it play out, and play out it does, every single year.

For the purposes of this analogy you are the owner of a nice, vintage car.
- Every year you are able to show the car and make some money with it, which you put in the bank.
- You don't maintain the car and over the years you see slightly less money coming in.
- You walk into the auto shop staffed with people that love this vintage car you own and have worked on it over the years with a list of improvements you would like made to your vintage auto so it will make money again.

You tell your mechanic that some of the repairs you will pay him for, though not as much as any other customer would pay any other mechanic for the same work...and that he should provide all the parts. For the rest you were hoping he would "collaborate with you" by repairing your car for you and perhaps, down the road when the income you make with the car improves, you will see about getting some money for him. Maybe.

Strangely - and this is where it gets fucking bonkers - several of the people at the shop leap at the "opportunity" to make this car beautiful, even while other people in the shop that have done so in the past warn them that they will not get the parts they need, payment they are promised or any sort of reward for their work. In fact, over the years you continue to make money showing this car, you do nothing but complain about the lousy quality of work you have gotten from these mechanics and have never delivered on the promise of better pay.

You state that clearly, the people that have done this for you in the past are "toxic" and should be ignored and that this is really an invitation to participate in a dialogue and really make some changes for the better.

Then you tell the volunteers that accepted your offer to have the car show-ready (and you expect top-quality, professional results) by mid-August and you will show up all season to complain about how much they seem to be sitting around and then again in early October to collect the money the car made and make awkward jokes about why nobody at this auto-shop likes you.

Where the Wild Things Are and the Pavement Ends...We say "Come What May" One Hundred Percent.

2011-06-29T17:23:00.006-05:00

Coming down and catching up blog ::

I remember way back last year and the years before that when the staff of the Brave New Workshop handled a bazillion small details for the improv festival and that allowed me the free time to do things like blog daily during TCIF - well no more! The idea seems almost laughable now. Having time to just sit down and write during the fest?!? Psshaw.

The improv festival happened at HUGE for the first time and I wanted to stop several times and document what was going on and my thoughts on it, but given that most of the days I didn't have time to stop and eat or speak in complete sentences, that just wasn't going to happen.

The short version of the story is this: The improv festival happened and it was a fucking blast.
The longer version is always a mix of the same things - it's a blur, I'm incredibly excited, it's a blur, I stayed up way too late, the shows are so incredible it makes your brain hurt, everyone is leaving town and I barely got a chance to talk to anyone, the final show is upon us and then the space is suddenly...shockingly quiet and empty.

This year has been scary in a lot of ways but this past weekend has been both the thing that we have been holding our breath for and the thing that I wondered if we were ready for.

I had to wonder in the weeks leading up to the Festival what the impact of HUGE would be on the vibe of the weekend - since we now run shows all week long, every week, the TCIF is no longer the one big chance to catch all these groups in the same place. It's still a pretty crazy dose of improv and I had no worries that the quality of the shows would be top-notch but I wondered if we hadn't diluted or lost one of the things that made the Festival a big, special annual event.
Such is progress - as it turns out my worries were entirely unfounded.

The comparison to previous years isn't apple-to-apples since we seat half as many people as the BNW did for us - but I think we were actually up in numbers and we had standing room only more often than we didn't. Even the 10pm Saturday show, which usually suffers as everyone migrates to the CC Club to get the party started, was packed to the walls and we had to turn people away - so it seems that we've managed to raise the level of enthusiasm for improv overall, which has always been the goal of the festival and the theater.

Yes, there was one night I got home after sunrise. Yes I worked from early in the morning until late into the next morning most days. And yes, the shows were mind-alteringly great. I can breathe again.

Every year before this one I came out of Festival weekend with a bi-polar level of determination to get the theater open and a crazy kind of anger that we hadn't been able to already - like witnessing TCIF was just proof that we needed to do what we did and irrefutable proof that it would kick ass to have this year round.

This year I came out of the weekend tired, happy and just as fired up as ever.
Nobody has fun like we do. If you missed it, you missed out.
Lucky for you we do it every day now. Come see.

Up all night, trying to make it right...but as it demands we keep it movin' at the speed of life

2011-06-19T20:39:00.003-05:00

And the birthday death-march trudges to a halt ::

June is always insane around our house.
First my lovely wife has a birthday, followed immediately by the twins' birthday(s) the next day and there's a little bit of breathing time before mine rolls around, which is usually in close proximity to Father's Day so I get a little extra in the middle of the month to send me out to face the oncoming Improv Festival with some momentum.

So yes, today was/is my birthday and Father's Day - and it was wonderful. Solid wonderful.

The wife got reservations to a kick ass restaurant for last night and I ate ridiculously good food - anchovy and avocado bruschetta, foie gras stuffed pasta and a big plate of meat to top it all off. I was allowed to sleep in and let the inevitably food-coma pass this morning and spent a nice brunch in Uptown with all three of my boys and my lovely wife for Father's Day. It was great.

After that it was a day on the couch, playing the new Super Mario Bros on the Wii (that game is stupidly addictive) and snoozing occasionally. I love having a day where the answer to most of my requests and questions is "Whatever you want, today is your day" - I'm sure there's some fable or parable or something that illustrates how I would get sick of this or it would be less special or whatever if it happened every day but I am willing to risk it.

Tomorrow the wife is back to her newfound jet-set working life and I will be running the kids to their respective summer camps and scurrying about getting ready for the aforementioned improv festival but today is nothing but tranquil. I know there's a bunch of loose ends and stress and problems and questions waiting for me when I go back to the real world tomorrow and the answer will almost never be "Whatever you want" but I still have a few hours left and I am going to enjoy them.

I am one lucky dad/husband/clown and I am happy as hell.
See me tomorrow and I will still have the leftover silly grin to get me through the teeth-grinding stress.

I'm useless, but not for long...the future is comin' on...

2011-05-31T16:48:00.003-05:00

I have been to hell, and I spell it....DMV

I went to the DMV to renew the tabs on the Beetle, which has been in storage for a long time.
The title still says our first address on it and my wife didn't change her name when we married, so when I went to the counter with the title of the car and my ID in my hand the woman just could not possibly imagine where to begin. I was informed that without the same address and same name 'there would just be no way' to prove that we were, in fact, married.

I told her to run a search of my name and she would see multiple other vehicles registered together with my wife - as well as more than one home and the fact that we did indeed live at the same address.
"I can ask my supervisor...but I know what the answer is going to be"
So she wouldn't even look up the driver standing in front of her to see if she could find the information she claimed to need.
I told her we couldn't POSSIBLY be the first married couple not to have the same last name, that this couldn't be that hard.
"Well without the same last name there's just NO WAY to prove you're married..." was her defense.

NO WAY? Really? No possible way that a state employee, standing at a computer with access to the records of the State of MN could POSSIBLY find out if two people were married? If only marriages were licensed or registered with the State or governing body somehow....but HOW??? It truly was a problem that would baffle the most brilliant minds.

After all that she was still completely unable - no, to be fair and honest she was completely unwilling to try - to help.
So instead I asked if there was a form my wife could fill out that would allow me to come pick up tabs for the car in her name.
I was handed a small piece of paper with a few lines of information on it that would indicate that I am allowed to do so - all of the information for which is on the vehicle title I was holding.

So there was nothing stopping me from filling it out in the parking lot and getting the tabs since I can sign my wife's name and they wouldn't have ANY way of proving I had done otherwise. I pointed this out. In return, she told me that it would be better for me to come back tomorrow, as waiting until June 1st meant I could buy 2012 stickers instead of buying 2011 and having to come right back and buy 2012.

So, in the end, she didn't really care that there was no way to prove anything she said she needed proved - or that the system they had in place was as iron clad as a post-it note. She just didn't really feel like helping anyone right then, or maybe just didn't feel like helping me...and if telling me how to get out of paying for tabs for this year was enough to make me go away without being helped, she was totally fine with helping me do that.

>> Unrelated Footnote - Conversation between me and one of the boys on this sunny, warm spring afternoon while I was typing the blog above:

Owen: "There's nothing to do"
Me: "There's a LOT to do"
Owen "...I guess so."

And off he went to go play
Either I am a Jedi or he wasn't really invested in that argument.

The frenzied pace of the mind inside the cell

2011-05-11T15:46:00.000-05:00

I hate that people insist that I must vote for the Left because I am "pro-higher taxes" or not interested in smaller government or against any other plank that the Right swears it is about. Or that because one party says it is "for" something like "smaller government" that means that the other party must be against it - that is just idiotic, binary thinking used to keep people arguing by focusing on what value the other party is (supposedly) trying to take away from you.

I am simply (and vehemently) anti-political-party-ramming-religious-doctrine-down-my-throat. And always will be.
The Right has clearly banked on serving the whacko religious voters to win elections, which is why it will never have my vote.
That seems pretty clear and straightforward.
It is also incredibly clear (beyond the need to even argue the point) that The Right is doing precisely that - from Planned Parenthood to gay marriage, they have a clear agenda guided by religious doctrine that has nothing to do with jobs, national security, fiscal responsibility or anything else.

Do not try and tell me that my voting against putting a cult in charge of the government is the same thing as wanting socialist redistribution of wealth or wanting higher taxes.

It's not even close to apples-to-apples.
It's not even apples-to-oranges.
It's more like apples-to-guy wrapped in dynamite.

Saying they are the same - or that being against one makes someone in favor of the other makes you look stupid and gullible. Please stop. Before I have to punch you in the neck.

They sang "Love is the Answer" and I think they're probably right

2011-04-29T09:01:00.001-05:00

I finally just started (and finished) the book "Look Me In The Eye" and, as she always is, my wife was correct in saying the book would have a big impact on me - both because of Owen and my own quirks and experiences. And because it's a good book.

I think in some way I resisted reading the book because of the whole "and then when I found out as an adult I have Aspergers, so many things suddenly made sense" aspect of the story.
I think the trepidation came from how often, in dealing with Owen's diagnosis, I find myself thinking it all sounds alarmingly like my experiences being a weird kid - that and how annoyingly often I feel like I hear that same revelation from people that otherwise identify themselves as normal or typical.

I feel like it has almost become a new cliche to suddenly self-diagnose with "a little Aspergers" - I don't know if people just desperately like the idea of having something to make sense of their quirks or if it's a growing acceptance of the idea that nobody is entirely without the traits that Aspbergians find so heightened. I think it's comforting to be able to put a label on all the awkward moments we all must experience and move on. To be able to tell ourselves that we are essentially normal despite the pains of finding our place in a normal world.

I like the explanation that everyone exists on a spectrum - that there isn't a separate spectrum for those with a ASD diagnosis and one for everyone else - which is a point that often gets glossed over. We seem to be in a rush to say that there are many kinds of weird and only one kind of normal. Better to remind everyone that there really isn't a stable norm since it's evolving and changing all the time and everyone experiences and contributes to it differently - the habits and tools you use to shape that experience for yourself and the people around you determines your place on the big spectrum, not which spectrum you are on.
We are all on THE spectrum. The entire spectrum of autism to Aspergers has a place on THE spectrum of people and there is even considerable overlap between the two in my mind - like the MC Esher drawings of the fish becoming birds and vice versa. There is no place where the fish end and the birds begin, they are mixed together to form a gradient.

All that aside, I actually did have some startled moments reading the book - especially the parts about his younger years and later workplace interactions - that made me think I could probably find myself on the part of the spectrum we consider to be a diagnosable rarity. Or maybe we just have similar personalities in some areas. I don't know.
His description of the social learning process was striking and familiar to me. Not consciously noting the difference between small people and animals, but the observation of what behaviors yield negative reactions and the determination to deduce "the answer" that will unlock the secrets everyone else seems to know.

Many of his brief descriptions of his emotional reactions to those situations struck me - I found some shockingly moving because they were almost precisely the same as mine and reminded me of the kinds of raw, lonely pain I still remember. The kind that you never forget. The kind I hope Owen never feels. But I know he sometimes will.

Many times I have been made acutely aware that I didn't know how to carry on (or end) a proper conversation, spoke way too fast about things nobody really cared about until someone shut me up, sometimes found myself shouting or speaking at a ludicrous volume without realizing it - and looking back, I get that familiar flash of "I can't fucking believe I was like that" embarrassment and anxiety at the most random of times.

Having those moments of learning more about social norms that suddenly, completely redefines past interactions and makes me realize that I was acting way out of the norm, but at the same time that IS how people have to learn social norms no matter what - they aren't something universal to human beings everywhere that we should instinctively know.
It's when someone proves impervious to learning that it becomes a problem - but I can't think of any other part of human development in which we get angry, upset or uncomfortable by the idea that someone doesn't know something.
In every other scenario you would simply explain, or at least accept the disconnect of information without getting emotional about it - but socialization is something we are expected to come in already knowing and the disconnect is often met with ridicule and rejection instead of instruction. We accept those things as the basic operating system and people that make us stop, think about it and explain it upset and frustrate us. Partly, I think, because they remind us of the times we were on the other side of the disconnect.

I think that is what makes it so painful sometimes for children: one moment they are doing what seems perfectly normal - for the sake of metaphor lets go with playing the game. A game whose rules you learn as you play and it seems like everyone else is already familiar with, and everyone is expected to play - and suddenly they are are off the game board with no idea why.
No idea if they were supposed to know something, if they are the only one that somehow missed what everyone else seems to know - even though there is never a clear explanation of the rules it seems the variant they found is not an acceptable permutation - and wondering if this means there is something wrong with them. All while trying to get back on the board to rejoin the game.
All of that is a scary and lonely enough process and carries enough of an emotional penalty without the reactions of the other players - which will almost always be negative and sometimes overtly cruel, even while they quietly worry that next time it will be them that accidentally steps out of bounds because they are also learning the rules along the way and may have found themselves off the board before and learned that this is the reaction they are supposed to have.

This too seems to be part of the game.

I love this book for the insight it gives and for putting out a marker along the game board that says something to the effect of "you are not the first or only one to feel lost or scared" - which is powerful by itself and takes a certain Aspergerian personality to achieve since everyone else is too busy trying to learn the rules.

As for Owen, it's tempting to try and shield him from the whole thing but that isn't possible or helpful. Better to try and teach him and everyone else what to expect, let him know what he will be experiencing and that he isn't the only one - so when inevitably finds himself off the board there can be a nice sign there waiting for him:

Welcome! You are out of bounds but not in the wrong.
All the people pointing, making faces and saying mean things (yes, ALL of them) have been here before - and people were not nice to them when they were. If you would like to be like them, lose one turn and rejoin the game.
If you would like to make the game more fun for everyone to play, be nice to the people you see out here. Move ahead 2 spaces and go have fun.

PS - you will probably be out here again.

- I trust he will make the right choice, he's on the more logical part of the spectrum and we need people like him to help us make the game better.

East of Eden but at least we're earning - Ice is melting and the trees are burning

2011-04-23T22:53:00.004-05:00

What a year a difference makes ::

Somehow, in the blur of activity that seems to always be taking place, I let the anniversary of leaving my job sneak by.
April 16th of last year I was meeting friends and coworkers at Kieran's Irish Pub to celebrate my exit from non-stop travel to 4 and 5 star hotels, a reliable income, shitloads of frequent flier miles, the occasional brush with someone famous or insanely powerful, a ridiculous sushi intake and pretty rock-solid health insurance.
And I have never been happier.

It's crazy that it doesn't even mark a year of working full time on HUGE - although that has been pretty much what I do with all my time - there was the TCIF to deal with in June, family travel to Washington DC and we didn't even sign the lease until August...THEN I started working full time on HUGE...in September.

I'm still doing some freelance work for the company and still in touch with the people I worked with - I still have never seen a corporation with so many weird challenges and awesome people to work with, all the way up to the CEO. I don't miss the work but I'm still pretty good at it and it's nice to contribute at home once and awhile.

on the HUGE side of things, I am on day 5 of not enough sleep, spending my days and late nights behind the buttons, running the lights and trying not to miss the cues - so really not much of a transition...only now I laugh all the time.

You've got a lot of nerve to say you are my friend

2011-04-08T14:17:00.003-05:00

Haggling. MN Style ::

I am dumbfounded by the exchange I just had - at first I was willing to write this woman off as a little bit nuts but it quickly became clear she was in need of a first class smack in the head. This JUST happened at HUGE Theater....

A woman came in the theater after reading the sign about the Wednesday Drop-In class (the only sign anyone reads) and wanted to ask about classes. She asked how much a level of classes was and when I told her she threw her hands over her mouth and went wide-eyed at the number.

Then she asked about the Drop In class, clarifying that it was $10 EVERY TIME????
When I said yes she made a variety of disgusted faces, as if I had just followed it with "and a pint of your lymph" - she informed me that "that adds up" as if I hadn't realized that "every time" meant it was cumulative and maybe what I MEANT was that it was $10 for a lifetime of being able to call us in the middle of the night and ask questions whenever she wanted.

She proceeded to ask, in the most challenging manner she could, "who is this.... Jill?" - as if she would be the judge of just WHO is worth paying less than minimum wage per hour whenever she felt like showing up.
I told her.
"I took classes at the Brave New Workshop"
"So did I, I used to teach there, in fact"
"TEN DOLLARS?!?"
"A bargain"
*more disgusted faces*

Then she asked "Do you KNOW anything about the people at the Brave New Workshop??" as if she had told me she took classes from Del Close and it just hadn't sunk in yet. Clearly I was in the presence of greatness and was just being disrespectful.
"Yep, in fact I worked there for many years and I'm still close with the people that work there today"
"TEN DOLLARS???"
"A bargain"
*Disgusted Face*

Then says "Those people at the Brave New Workshop are TALENTED. I wish they could make a living doing improv all the time."
to which I said "They could, but they'd have to charge WAY more than ten dollars for classes"

That's where our conversation ended, with the exception of the
"maybe I'll be back" over her shoulder
and my "Nah." at her back.

I don't want to think back to The One Thing I Know I Should Have Done..I don't want to sit across the table from you wishing I could run...

2011-04-02T10:48:00.003-05:00

Mid-size thoughts that don't fit on Twitter and don't add up to a blog of their own ::

Driving is essentially piloting a giant chunk of mass that weighs thousands of pounds at high speeds between and around other speeding chunks of mass within feet (or sometimes inches) of one another, with enough combined potential energy to destroy all the moving parts involved, the people controlling them, several innocent bystanders and still have some left over to create a really interesting spray of glass and plastic - how long did it take for that activity to become so boring we had to look for things to keep us entertained while we did it?

::

I dug out a document that I wrote to the other members of the HUGE Board in '09 and was surprised at:
- the sheer number of run-on sentences I use
- how many things we've stuck to along the way
- the fact that I've never shared it publicly.
I printed copies for the cast and volunteers. I want them to know who they're working for, what the vision is and when we aren't keeping to it. I may post it in the HUGE blog as well but there's plenty of HUGE announcements coming that I don't want to take away from.

::

Going to the ReUse Center to grab a door frame and will probably walk out of there with a few other things as well - someone PLEASE get the red theater seats pictured HERE (scroll to the bottom) and I will find a place for them. I will build a balcony if I have to.

::

I am constantly delighted and freaked out by people asking my/our advice about starting a non-profit.
Sure, we have a building but I will be the first to tell you that there's a lot of things we did the hard way or the just-plain-stupid way. But then I run into people that tell me that they talk about the stuff that HUGE does as a company that are things they never would have thought of - and it reminds me that not having the normal training for the job sometimes makes you the best candidate.
That would be true of basically my entire theater life, especially in the tech booth.
I want to go teach that to techs but most of them are in "schools" learning "the right way" to do things and getting "good jobs" out of the deal so it's hard to come in and tell them the occasional moment of brilliance is a good trade off.

::

I'm teaching my Improv For Nerds class today and I'm super excited by it - even though it further blurs the start/end of the Nerd Season (remarkably different than either Duck or Wabbit Season...found that out the hard way...) and I will come home hoarse and frenetic from trying to cram in hundreds of hours of training and several years of insights in the space of 2 hours.

It'll take a lot more that words and guns...A whole lot more than riches and muscle

2011-03-26T17:16:00.002-05:00

Being the boss blog :: I started writing this some time ago and it keeps evolving as we keep learning and talking to more people - I assume there will be a part II to this entry or more on this topic as we go.

One of the weird things I keep circling is my position at HUGE - I think most people that know me know that I have never sought to be "in charge" or at the center of things. I think my aversion to being the focus of too much attention is part of why I love being a tech as well - I can have my fun and if I'm doing my job correctly I can be completely invisible as well. But there's no getting around the fact that I have a big role in this plan and people are going to come to me for answers or direction, both of which I have in my possession and I'm very confident in what we're doing and how we're proceeding - I've just never been at ease with the idea of being someone's boss or with the changes in how people deal with you when you are "in charge" but that's just something I have to suck up and get used to.

I've had a pretty terrific collection of bosses along the way, many that have all been very helpful and possess a number of qualities I hope to emulate. If this is to be my job then I hope I can do it as well as some of them. Of course there are also a couple of people that have shown me exactly the kind of person I don't want to be while I'm being trusted to steer this tornado.

Dawn - One of my first bosses at my first job and someone I still see from time to time. Actually I recently ran into her again on the plane back from NYC and she is one of those rare people that just never seems to change. She's pretty a pretty awesome boss. Or was, I'm willing to bet she still is. Even as an asshole teenager working at a pretty mediocre fast food job, I still remember how important it was to have a boss that had my back.
We had several training sessions and meetings to go over stupid procedures and official policies but the thing that Dawn always managed to hammer home was "if anyone fucks with any of you they will have to answer to me - your jobs are hard enough without having to put up with abuse"
I loved knowing there was someone higher up that remembered that there were people keeping all the numbers coming in and busting ass to do a pretty crappy job - and was actually grateful and protective of those people. Those are the bosses that never have to demand or ask for your respect, since they start off by giving you theirs. That's admirable.

Al/Jim - I totally put these two in the same category. Guys that find themselves in possession of a pretty amazing company that people love and, instead of being excited by that rare and cool opportunity, they see a chance to get people to do too much work and give way too much energy for too little pay and even less respect - instead of seeing the value of good people they see a bunch of suckers they can't possible value since we obviously aren't smart enough to keep an eye on the all-important bottom line the way they are.
Both of them showed what it looks like when money is more important to you than what kind of human being you are.
Also, more importantly, to be mindful of what I ask of people and honest about what I can give in return. I never want to be the guy dangling the carrot just out of reach and asking everyone to "pull for the team" from the comfort of my office or seeing people's goodwill as a commodity I can capitalize on.
Those people suck to work for and I never want to be anything like that guy.

Tim and Tom Burns - Showed me how they run a successful, even profitable, business that was just an extension of their family and straying from their values never had to be discussed since it wouldn't ever come close to being considered.
Tom teaches business and was good enough to give me a couple lessons for free - on the importance of putting it in writing and how to know when to fire your customers. That was awesome and something I had never seen before, telling a client "No, we don't want your money. There are more important things than money - going home to my family at night without worrying about this job because of you is one of them"
Priceless.

Sweeney and Alan - Another pair, though for the good reasons.
Both of these guys showed me how they actually take care of their people, not just try to make their people feel taken care of. While neither may be the best manager or communicator in the world they were both honest and open enough for me to always know where I stood, what was important to them and what would make them irrationally crazy and they both took the time to know the same about me.
They showed me that their job was to take care of the people that were taking care of them, not just to make sure we were earning our paychecks. That much they trusted us with and because they were looking out for us, we weren't about to let them down.
Both gave me more support, help, guidance and respect as a professional and a person than anyone would ever expect from an employer and I am proud to know both of them, they've given me a high bar to clear in some areas if I'm going to take on this role as someone's boss.

I think we've done ok in that area so far - we take on people not just because they're willing to do the job for free (that would be a Jim/Al move) but because they can be trusted to do the job well and/or to the best of their ability every time..and then we give them the trust and respect to let them do it while we watch their backs and make sure we stop when we have successes to give them thanks.
I don't have to check on Cody at the box office or Matt, Josh or Lipkin in the booth to know that they're going to take care of the place like it was their own and that allows me to take care of my job, which includes finding a way to pay them some day and making sure that if anyone fucks with them, that person will have to answer to me.

to quote Jim Cunningham -
"At some point I was sure every boss I ever worked for had his head up his ass. Now I'm the guy in charge. If I'm doing my job correctly, maybe someday my employees will look at me and be pretty sure I've got my head up my ass."

If we can get there then that means at least we taught them....something
I know these people taught me a few things.

Screaming "Save the Planet" but you won't even save your neighbor, dammit!

2011-03-23T11:08:00.004-05:00

I try not to argue politics with people - I'm not against explaining my political opinions to people but I think that the act of trying to drag someone toward your views is just as offensive as going to their house and knocking and their door to tell them they should have your religion - but despite that I am a sucker for poking at it from time to time.

I try to resist, I really do. I think the thing that keeps getting me is just how baffling I find the Libertarian or far-right mentality. In a certain way it's fascinating, the same kind of fascinating as people that believe that an alien overlord murdered a bunch of other aliens with hydrogen bombs and somehow got tax exempt status for their obvious sham of a self-help group. Anyway.

The baffling and fascinating example comes courtesy of the Libertarians I communicate with, who stick pretty consistently to two themes - boiled down into some version of these very simple statements:

"I wish everyone could be more free" AND "I wish everyone would get on board and see things the way I do"

For one to come true, the answer to the other must be "Tough shit" - which seems to be the key to the fact that I find talking to Libertarians to be exactly the same as talking to a spoiled 5 year old. Both of those things are fine things to want, if that's your deal, but are in pretty much in opposition to one another. This model for "the way things ought to be" does not exist in reality but in the same theoretical world where Communism works.

That doesn't matter - they want them both and it's somebody's fault that they can't get what they want. It always reminds me of the awkward, befuddled moment when the people that had been demanding Democracy in the Middle East had to accept the fact that democratic elections resulted in the election of Hamas. There was that quick re-framing of the issue that reeked of "when we said we wanted you to be free to choose, we meant we wanted you to be free to choose the outcome we wanted.." that always happens when reality intrudes on this Land of Pretend. It often has all the logic and consistency of a tantrum.

I also find the same to be true of the more aggressive breed of atheist that seems to be popping up more and more - it hardly matters that I would happily label myself as atheist, I just can't take the constant "I want to be able to think and believe what I want to believe and be left alone/treated fairly/not have to put up with Christians constantly trying to change my beliefs for it" coupled with the loud and constant "let me tell you why you should not believe what you believe, Christians" - that is the trademark of the current crop of outspoken atheists that you will invariable encounter if you watch enough TV or listen to enough podcasts/radio/atheists.

It sucks but the "freedom" you're screaming for probably doesn't look the way you want it to, at the very least it doesn't look the same for everybody - and that's just tough shit.

When you're locked up in the Nut House, you're locked inside your head. It's dark in there and people drool...

2011-03-13T11:08:00.003-05:00

After the big blog of full disclosure about the Prozac I figured an update on the Adderol would be good for me as well - these things are so much less for you, reader, and more to see how these thoughts hold up outside my brain. Enjoy.

I posted quite a long time ago about going on Adderol, which came with many of the same issues as starting Prozac in terms of altering my brain chemistry, but having seen the difference these useful chemicals make I'm very happy with the results. It's funny how quickly it becomes the new normal, having some focus and getting tasks done from beginning to end - as well as all the peripheral effects, like sleep, that come with it.

To revisit one point - I am not a fan of how often or loosely this stuff gets doled out to kids or anyone else but even that kind of hard sell it was tough not to admit that I was/am pretty fucking scattered even on a good day. The fact that I got things done or didn't drive my wife insane up until this point is a little bit baffling. I used to adopt all sorts of weird tactics to work around the strange whirlwind that my brain can be some days - like working art into my day since when I'm drawing or sketching I can actually devote part of my brain to the activity and focus part on other things much better and things are much clearer - I know that's actually something they say about Asperger's kids with music and such and I know exactly what they mean. That's a separate issue about my brain I have often considered....BUT, staying on task here... (META!)... not having to do those things and just being able to concentrate without thoughts slipping away from me has been wonderful.

Taking regular doses of amphetamines isn't without some precautions for someone like me - I have to be careful not to let my already headstrong moments get away from me when they're backed with some pharmaceutical rocket fuel - and I am still working in times to calm down and not "do" things by making them part of my routine at HUGE. Things like shoveling the sidewalk or just mopping the theater are my time to calm down, think clearly or not think at all and just enjoy the quiet time in my skull.
Conversely, any time I'm behind the wheel my brain is a storm of ideas and things to remember and I will more often than not arrive at my destination with a collection of new notes scrawled on my hand that get added to the big to-do pile.

All of this sounds a bit much when I read it all in one place but the short version is that this has been good. You don't need to understand the workings of my brain to get that part.

Where I used to be frantic because I was spending tons of mental energy to hold onto things that required time and attention, getting frustrated and overreacting to simple things like "people speaking to me" or "my phone ringing" because it broke that already-slippery hold on ideas, and much less able to rest because my mind was running laps around every idea from the day when I was trying to sleep.
Now I start out with a direction (or several, old habits still die hard) and I'm able to turn my attention and energy to them in a way that produces results - and at the end of the day I'm actually resting (...well, my version of rest) since I'm doing the things I set out to and the act of focusing over the course of an entire day actually leaves me sleepy and ready to turn in some nights.

I imagine that's what days and evenings are like for more normal people.
It's kinda nice.