Culture Strain

The "N" on his crotch is particularly offputting

2008-07-14T13:21:00.001+10:00

Dragging Culture Strain out of semi-retirement because this cannot go unmocked:

Seriously: what the fuck.

The dearth of Culture Strain

2008-06-07T11:13:00.002+10:00

So...

This isn't one of those "I'm switching off my blog for good"-type posts that everyone seems to be making lately; rather it's a note to let all y'all know that I am well aware Culture Strain has recently experienced what might be termed a "dry patch". This may or may not continue - on the one hand I'm keeping busy with my other blog, but on the other hand, there are plenty of things about Australia that irritate me and may be worthy of an amusing post (for example, the continuing earnestness of Kevin Rudd's supporters, like, get over him already please).

There are still plenty of folks who come here daily even though it's been a long time between updates, which is awesome. You guys rock. I advise you to add Culture Strain to your RSS reader of choice (and if you don't know what an RSS reader is: seriously, it's 2008 now. Try to keep up) to keep abreast of whatever updates are made here. In the meantime, I'm blogging about my television obsession at my aforementioned other blog, TV Junior, so you can catch me there.

Worst. EVER.

2008-05-02T09:49:00.001+10:00

Anyone who pays money for this travesty of music deserves instant death.

GHB = Gay, Homo, um, Buggerer

2008-04-29T22:03:00.002+10:00

Well, I don't know about you, but I believe poor Todd McKenny one hundred percent when he says his drink was spiked with GHB hours before he was discovered unconscious in a Sydney park.

Witnesses alleged they saw him off his tits at a dance party the previous night. Fie on them!

Drink-spiking is not a laughing matter!

...

Vanessa Amorosi apparently much uglier than we first suspected

2008-04-23T13:58:00.001+10:00

It's not surprising that this pic of Vanessa Amorosi has been photoshopped:

What's surprising is the extent of the photoshopping. My vast network of spies tell me that a team of image-editing pros spent four days retouching this picture.

FOUR.

DAYS.

WTF?!

Ian Thorpe makes the jokes too easy

2008-04-23T12:49:00.002+10:00

Ian Thorpe will be one of the people carrying the Olympic torch through Australia; I'll leave you to make your own "flamer" joke.

An insight into the disturbed workings of my mind

2008-04-21T16:58:00.004+10:00

I can't help but feel a little sorry for Nick D'Arcy. I mean, I know he's prone to violence and all, but I'm inclined to be sympathetic towards anyone who looks good in a speedo. For example:

Not so evil now, right?

So now that it's all over...

2008-04-20T21:16:00.000+10:00

... what was the point of the 2020 Summit, again?

"Aww, a soiled wig"

2008-04-16T22:53:00.002+10:00

Woah!

That is one tight shirt Pete Murray's squeezed himself into in his latest clip. I want to snark, and yet I... muscles... the tightness... so very tight... Goddammit, sometimes I hate being so superficial.

Okay, seriously, he might have a ridiculously broad chest, but he also has ridiculous hair. Pete, when you find a soiled clown wig in a dumpster out the back of your recording studio, social convention dictates that you don't wear it.

Fact: the plural of "governor-general" is "governors-general". And now you know!

2008-04-15T19:22:00.003+10:00

Could all the people who are in transports of joy over the news that Rudd has appointed a female governor-general please settle down? I don't mean to burst your feminist bubble, but folks, we've had a woman head of state for years. She's called the Queen. Now get yerself back to the kitchen, wimmin.

Ignat... what?

2008-04-14T20:38:00.002+10:00

Dear Cate Blanchett,

I do love you. I think you are glamorous and beautiful and talented, and you seem like you'd be an interesting person in real life.

I also know you have a history of giving your spawn names that might be considered "unusual" by some. Your first kid is called Dashiell; your second kid is called Roman. That's fine - so not as you're not twisted the spelling bogan-style, unusual kiddie names totally work. Especially when they are bequeathed by glamorous and beautiful and talented people like yourself.

But. But.

"Ignatius"? Really?

Announcement

2008-04-13T23:24:00.002+10:00

Y'all, I have a new blog. But fear not: Culture Strain is not dead. Just more... culture-y. Or something.

(PS, WordPress is way prettier than Blogger. It's like graduating to blog high school.)

Ads I Hate

2008-04-13T21:37:00.002+10:00

Why is the Natural Confectionery Company STILL running the ad where the three scrags sit around reminiscing about past loves while eating lollies. "SEBASTIAN!" You know the one. Look, this ad sucked when it was first rolled out circa 2003. It still sucks. It's time to let this one go, guys.

Speaking of Sebastians, I'm told that Guy Sebastian got married this weekend, so that loud explosion you heard last night was probably the sound of him finally popping his cherry. (Because good Christians never cheat God and have sex before their wedding night.)

How embarrassing

2008-04-13T20:47:00.001+10:00

Remember that "funny Eastern-European chick sings 'Ken Lee' on Bulgarian Idol" YouTube clip that went viral about six weeks ago?

Yeah, well, Pete Helliar featured it on his "PeteSpace" segment on Rove tonight. How. Embarrassing. (But also kind of fitting, given that "PeteSpace itself is also a lame and dated joke.)

This one's just too easy

2008-04-13T15:39:00.002+10:00

This is old news, but I just found out: Anthony Callea has been cast as a munchkin in the Australian version of Wicked. Cue obvious jokes.

Yeah, I wanna dance with Sumbati! I wanna feel the heat with Sumbati! Yeah, I wanna dance with Sumbati! With Sumbati who loves me!

2008-04-10T18:31:00.003+10:00

CS object of derision Anthony Sumbati is still enormously fat. In fact the only thing larger than his vast gut is his debt: according to tonight's A Current Affair he owes several parties (including a bunch of hot young things, for some reason) many thousands of dollars. Fat people are so dishonest, you guys.

Update: the video is here.

Australia's most rockin' band

2008-04-10T14:25:00.002+10:00

I wouldn't usually post something that was forwarded to me by email, but this landed in my inbox with the title "My new favourite band" and proved too good to pass up:

LOLZ!

Surfies are so lazy, especially when they're movie stars

2008-04-09T11:42:00.002+10:00

Do Hugh Jackman and Liev Schreiber do anything but surf at Bondi Beach? I swear that every day there's new pics of them splashing arouhd in the waves, wetsuits half unzipped. Aren't they meant to be shooting a movie or something?

Gals in music!

2008-04-05T17:08:00.001+11:00

Even though I mocked Delta the other day, I actually think she is stunningly beautiful, and I kind of love her. I think we could be friends, and drink revoltingly sweet cocktails and have dirty conversations together about the size of Bryan's dick, and he'd tolerate me because I'm Delta's bestie but secretly he hates me and bitches about me to his mates in Westlife.

This fantasy is inspired solely by the clip for her latest song. She looks so cheery! She loves her stupid fans!:

Ricki Lee's cans look ENORMOUS in her latest clip. She has complete fuck-off boobs. They are at once scary and glorious:

Also, one of the faggy-looking dancers is kinda hot.

I thought I would hate Gabriella Cilmi, a 16-year-old newcomer who has some new song out about a boy she likes (or something. That's the sort of stuff teenage girls sing about, right?). It's pretty obvious her image is a bit of an Amy Winehouse rip-off, without the whole "crazy crackhead" thing, I mean, and yet she seems pretty cool. However, I reserve the right to start hating her if she turns out to be a huge slag. But her song is kinda cool:

Culture Strain mocks Bindi, #190,113

2008-04-04T09:19:00.003+11:00

AAAAHHHH NOOOOO THE HORROR!

Fashion Mistakes 101

2008-04-02T08:43:00.001+11:00

Dear Delta,

What the fuck?

Stuff that is no longer funny

2008-04-01T23:32:00.002+11:00

So there's some comedy festival happening down in Melbourne at the moment (you may have heard something about it), and one of the comedians who's come out for said festival is a chap called David O'Doherty.

You'll know him best for that 'Very Mild Superpowers' song he does. I reckon I first heard him perform this song back in 2006. And he's still performing it. Aren't comics meant to, like, think up new jokes every now and then? Like, sure, I can understand that you might be tempted to stick with a good thing - but surely a joke on the international comedy circuit only has a lifespan of about a year before you're repeating yourself.

In conclusion: find some new jokes, David O'Doherty.

Yet more things for emos to cry about

2008-04-01T18:50:00.003+11:00

Apparently (according to the mass media), emos are out and Scene kids are in!

Above you can see some of these "Scene kids", decked out in their brightly coloured attire and ridiculous accessories and surly-yet-aloof expressions. Oh, aren't they just little darlings?

I think this is my favourite quote from the Scene kids:

"We hate Supre and Jay Jays because it's all mass-produced stuff, because everyone ends up with the same stuff, which is pretty lame."

Yes, because you'd hate to end up stuck in a conformist trend, right? (I heart oblivious irony.)

Are these Scene kids the ones buying up all the fluoro shirts from Supre?

Boring politics

2008-03-28T21:17:00.001+11:00

So... I admit I'm not heavily knowledgeable on this issue or anything, but is anyone else kind of troubled by all this, "We hate everyone who quashes democracy... except China, which has: a growing economy; a growing military; the Olympics. Yay, China! What human rights abuses?"

And let's not even start on that whole "Tibet" business. (PS, does anyone else suspect that the Dalai Lama is secretly kind of a douche? Just me?)

DNA stands for "deoxyribonucleic acid", which I knew off the top of my head. Is that nerdy or clever?

2008-03-27T08:18:00.007+11:00

So I hate to be needlessly judgemental about two good-looking men in the space of a couple of weeks (except for the part where I actually love judging others), but the new DNA cover model is kind of... freaky-looking:

Click to see his pecs in an even higher resolution

Not that I wouldn't be all over that in a heartbeat, but he looks... kind of like a character from The Sims 2. Queerty has more pics of him in his undies if you want to judge some more.

(And yes, the real reason I'm judging him is solely because I don't look like he does, so you don't have to point that out in the comments or anything.)