I’ve found myself in too many of these situations lately. Usually when I’m not entirely comfortable with where I am, or when I need to put on a persona to get through an event.

I want to be fully present in every moment, but in order to keep myself happy I try too hard to look at everything objectively. With my head and not just my heart. And it works for the most part. I’m pretty good at forcing my mind to believe I feel a certain way about something.
It means I don’t get caught up in my emotions and break down. But it also means I often push my feelings to the back.

Will they explode one day?

Will I explode one day?

I am a huge fan of both pop and metal. But more than anything I love mash ups and covers. I imagine this is a big part of the reason I love the TV show Glee so much.
Pop music covered by metal and alt bands kill me every time. Take something familiar and fun like Britney Spears’ Toxic and get a Ukrainian alt metal band to cover it with heavy guitars and just enough scream and I probably wouldn’t notice if Snape was standing at my door (maybe I should listen to this next time I get tattooed).

It was with much delight that I discovered the covers compilation albums ‘Rest In Peace’ then. I’ve managed to get volumes 3, 4, and 5 so far but volumes 1 and 2 are eluding me.

If you’re into this kind of greatness have a listen to my picks below and then try to get your hands on these albums!

Camisado – My Love (Justin Timberlake)

One-Way Mirror – Fuck You (Lily Allen)

Mushmellow – Toxic (Britney Spears)

Sick Puppies – Say My Name (Destiny’s Child)

A Smile From The Trenches – Hot N Cold (Katy Perry)

Friday night saw my first party at 361, a K party (dress up theme, not ketamine sharing) in honour of my inhabitation of the flat. Smarty pants flatmate Jason set the up the photobooth he created to capture everyones costumes/inebriated states.

Here are a few goodies.

L to R: Kiki of Kiki’s delivery service (aka flattie Kate), Kermit (aka Michael), Karen O (aka flattie Sophie), Karl Lagerfeld (aka Laura), Koala (aka Emma); Kanye (aka flattie Jason), Karl Lagerfeld; Kleptomaniac (aka Stacey), Kate from Lost (aka ME); Klytemnestre (aka Jo).

L to R: K’ Rd hooker (aka Hannah), Kramer (aka Finn), Karen O; KGB officer (aka Karen), Jo; Me, King Midas (aka Ella, she was originally gold in another language but I can’t remember the language), Kate; Kaleidoscope (aka flattie Brendan), photobomber Stacey.

L to R: Laura (omg isn’t she perfect as Karl?!), pieces of Kermit; Karaoke queen (aka Beth), Stacey; Kelly (aka Kelly), Jo, Kink (aka Bad Tom); Kate, Sophie, Emma.

L to R: Kid (aka Anna), Jo, Tom; Flatties pre dress up – Me, Sophie, Kate, and photo bomber Jason; Me, Karen, Jo, Kim Thayil (aka Lisa); Michael, Laura, Me.

Congratulations Kate and Jason. May your marriage be fun and cute forever.

I however am not a tortured artist. When I am tortured the creativity disappears. I need time, space, but most of all happiness to be creative. I need a fit mental state that is unburdened by destructive tendencies. When I feel bad I feel like crawling into a sheet fort and eating comfort food.

When I’m happy though, then I’m bursting with everything. I may be too busy to write, but I get hits of inspiration that leave me needing to use words. A new crush, amazing music, ridiculous times with friends when nothing is on your mind but the moment. Even the happiness of being completely comfortable and sated with my situation.

I need those days to create.

Those days are not an everyday occurrence anymore. But when they’re here they’re amazing.

These days I’m reluctant to attribute anything that happens to fate, a plan, or any of that guff. But sometimes things feel like they happen for a reason. I didn’t get call backs from the places with skylights, the friend of a friend with the big room just down the road from where I live now completely dicked me around and didn’t show up to the viewing and then didn’t txt me back. But then I get a message from an acquaintance/friend saying one of their flatties just announced he’s moving out.

Turns out it was the best news I’d had all month. The room is big, cheap, and close to town. The flatmates are: Kate and Jason – they both blog (Kate at Lovelorn Unicorn, one of my favourite cute blogs; and Jason at Imaginary Network, amazing photography!), are both awesome people, and collectively are the cutest couple in the world! And they’re getting married in less than two weeks. And Brendan and Sophie, I don’t know these guys much at all but they both seem awesome and down to earth too.

I don’t have a partner to fall back on and hibernate with if I hate my flatmates anymore, so I was particularly hopeful I’d find somewhere to live with people I don’t hate. Result!

And the excitement of finding a new place to live only gets better as I realise I can decorate my room however I like. There will only be one persons junk in it. Mine! I can use a gingham table cloth and put fairy lights on the wall if I want to.

I’ve been scouring the design blogs for inspiration the last few days and here’s a few of the ideas I’ve loved.

Looks like I’m attracted to colour. Who knew? Very unlike me, although my favourite blue is showing through in quite a few of these pictures.

A huge thanks to everyone who has been looking after me the past month, getting me out of the house, and generally being a distraction. Especially the wonderful Jo who has given me a place to stay, cooked for me, and kept me entertained with 80s and 90s DVDs and a LAN party every night for half of the past 3 weeks. It means a lot to me, and has made a hard time a whole lot easier! You’re the best.

Yeah, sorry about that.

I don’t regret any of my actions. I learnt so much about myself last year, what I want, and what I can live with. I became more confident, and happy. I’m learning that confidence in a relationship is very different to confidence outside a relationship though. At least for someone that is single for the first time in their adult life at the age of 24.

As half of a couple you can be completely oblivious to the signals around you when you’re out and about. It doesn’t matter if the guy at the next table is staring, because you’re not interested anyway. There is no one to impress. It doesn’t matter if you’re being too loud. You know who you’re going home with.
As a single lady Every. Fucking. Guy. is looking at you. Whether they actually are doesn’t matter, that’s what it feels like. It’s harder to relax. People become predatory instead of just being drunk and annoying.

Despite the person I became during 2009…the person I wanted to be; one with more confidence, more friends, and slightly more interesting things to say. I feel like I need to reinvent myself again. I need to become single Kim. Just Kim. Not Kim and Sol. Just Kim.

But if I already like who I am how can I do something drastic to reinvent myself?

Do I need to throw out all of my clothes and start again? Do I really have to join a gym? Because I hate working out.

I am moving on, finding a flat, finding a job, and doing what I like, when I like.
My motto for 2010 is “trust your instincts”. I have been ignoring myself for too long.

It feels strange to be moving on so quickly. Right now it has been less than three weeks since the separation, but it is starting to feel like it was a long time ago. All the feelings of disappointment, frustration, and annoyance I buried for the sake of compromise and living in a relationship, have replaced the reasons I wanted to make it work. At this moment I am more upset at having my happy bubble burst than losing the person I thought I would grow old with. But then my feelings change every day depending on what I’ve heard, what I’ve read, what I’ve remembered.

Ladies and Gents, if you like you should put a ring on it (not necessarily a literal ring, but make your feelings known to all concerned parties). Otherwise move on, and stop wasting time.

Thank you all for your help, concern, and best wishes. I can’t do it without you. xxoo

And then tonight, my last night in Hamilton, I went out dancing. It was great fun. But saying goodbye to my friend it really started to hit me. Tomorrow I’m going back to Wellington. Tomorrow I really have to start sorting out my life, whatever it is going to be. Getting into my room at Mums I see she has left me a little box of chocolates and I burst into tears. I don’t want to go home. I’m not ready to be on my own.

The night started with a grocery shop to stock up on juice, chocolate, and cheese. At 6 we sampled some of our purchases.

Followed not too distantly by some terrible fish and chips. Lame.

My sister felt like throwing up at the smell of my ‘Painkiller’ cocktail. It wasn’t amazing, but definitely not spew worthy. I got the straw from Mum in my lunchbox of pink stuff for giftmas. :D

A night with my sis is incomplete without Singstar. She is one of the few people that easily beats me at Singstar. It just made my victory while singing Spice Girls all the sweeter.

One of two kittens – this is Loki. Lots of entertainment but needing a sleep after round one.

Accessories for the night – Harry Potter lightning bolt necklace & Creep brooch
First spillage – sisters wine

The cards came out as a way to try and get some drink in us. I don’t tend to drink while singing.

Entertainment kitten number two is Onyx. He was crazily skittish and hid under the bed the first time I met him and a couple of days later he was all over me, climbing up my face. Yay for kittens, hug the pain away.

Happy New Year! I am notoriously bad at taking self portraits…or portraits of any kind. My hand isn’t steady enough for my camera.

Sister’s attempt was far more in focus!

Poor “bro in law” was rostered to work till 12. :[ He must have gotten off a little early as he was home by 12.05.

Random shot of bro in law's giftmas present.

Little blister makes the best faces and always makes me laugh till my stomach hurts. I got a video of her singing hilariously to Stacie Orrico's More to Life.

3am and time for browsing the net/sleeping in the bed bro in law kindly pumped up for me.

New Years Day and Hamilton continues with the amazing weather.

Found some of my pills on the floor and realised I had taken them out of the bottle the night before, gotten side tracked, and then fallen asleep. Doh.

Breakfast of champions - Camembert and cheese vienna sandwich with orange juice.

I've run out of girly movies I can watch that aren't about getting married or finding love and so resort to Hannah Montana. I manage to split it in to parts when sister tells me they're going to town and I can come. :]

OMG KITTENS

The Tron – Where bogans rule the land. (jkplzdontbeatme)

The Warehouse where everyone gets a bargain. Except for me because when you desperately want to spend money you can never find anything to buy.

Home time – Being chauffeured.

Mum’s gorgeous fluffy cat George claimed the Lego box for his bed.

At 6 little bro is a few years late to the ‘cut your own hair’ party, but good things always take time.

How did you spend New Years?

WTF is this Day in the Life thing?