Cuppa Jo.

Update

2020-02-29T11:20:00.000+10:00

Well, well its all happening.....

https://womenuk.co.uk/opinion/navigating-the-w-word-widowhood-in-grief/

My first article has been published. See link above.

My poetry book is well on the way to being published........
A children's book is waiting for a yes or no from the publishers.
Three more things on the go.
First writing course completed
Diploma in Professional Writing in my hot little hands.
Second course 75% complete.

Its all go

Cuppa Jo

Author, poet and writer.

2020-01-30T19:56:00.002+10:00

https://www.facebook.com/hattersleywriting

With my new poetry book being published soon as well as an article for an online magazine, I thought it time to promote my writing out there in a Facebook page.

2020

2019-12-31T20:35:00.001+10:00

2020

Look back to the good memories.

Look forward to the new ones.

Happy 2020.

May the roaring twenties be here to stay!

2020 Here we come

2019-12-29T19:24:00.002+10:00

As we head into 2020.........

My year started out as one half on an extremely happy couple heading for their 25th wedding anniversary. We had our ups and downs due to our entanglements with Myasthenia Gravis, Guillain Barre syndrome and lots of related side effects and complications.

We still managed to get away for a great week (Thank you O'Reilly's Rainforest Retreat)We had three lots of visitors too.

My year has ended as one half of a person. The other half of me left me this year on the last day of August. There are no words to describe the feeling of losing a spouse. A huge empty hole is left beside you and nothing you or anyone can say or do will ever fill it.

So what do you do? Whether you like it or not, you have to push on. I cannot change what happened. I don’t like it but I cannot change it. (A wise man told me that 😉)

So, in Marks honour, my new year plan is:

❤️Realise his memories are always with me no matter what I do or where I go.

❤️Realise good and bad days will happen and roll with them.

❤️Finish my second writing course.

❤️Wait to hear from the publisher as to whether the work I submitted is good enough for publication. (I sent some poetry in and they asked for more!!)

❤️Continue writing the novel I have started and then submit that for possible publication.

❤️Learning who I am. Who is Jo without Mark?

So, thank you again for supporting me at the tail end of this year. Emails, phone calls, texts, Face Time, letters, cards, comments on posts and so on. It means the world to me.

👣I am marching into 2020 with head held high, living life to the full, just as he would want.

Love Cuppa Jo

❤️

Christmas Diary

2019-12-27T14:20:00.001+10:00

Christmas Diary

Being a widow, what a horrible word. Do I say I am widowed? Am I single - technically I have no one there that I am married to anymore? In the eyes of the law I am both! Widowed sounds horrible and I am really not sure I am ready to call myself single yet.

So Christmas and birthday crept up on me. Rather quickly I might add. I thought that I would do a diary for a few days to give you all an update on how it all went.

23rd December 2019

For Christmas we had plans to spend it with family. Mark and I were going to do that before he died so I kept up our original plans. Off to my parents I went this morning, bags packed for ten days. I dropped the dog off at the kennels, started the music playing and hit the highway.

Whenever I go to my mum and dads for an extended break I always start the same way. Its a tradition. I drove the car up to the Glasshouse Mountains Lookout Cafe. Anyone that has visited myself and Mark here will know of it. I had put an offer out to my dad, my brother Lee and sister in law Clare if anyone wanted to join me. My Dad arrived and informed me that my brother was on his way on his bike.

We had quality time, just the three of us together. Dad and his kids. OK, his kids are in their forties but they are still his kids. After breakfast off to their house I went and settled in. Alcohol flowing and I carried on with some of my coursework.

Had some good laughs tonight with Lee and Clare. My dad chipping in occasionally and mum plodding away on her iPad.

Sitting in bed now. PJ's on and my mind is ticking over. Its Christmas Eve tomorrow. That’s OK. Then I hit the grand total of 48 on Christmas Day. Yes, it is true. Mark should be here. We should be together. Me looking after him, having fun together, drinking together and just sharing some good old fashioned fun. But he isn’t. It is sad. I hate it but I also know that sitting around moping on Christmas Day will get me nowhere.

24th December 2019.

Morning to the world and today is the start of my caring for mum time. When Clare is here, she does whats needed and when I am here, I do it. That way she gets a break and I get 1:1 time with Mum. I bought her a new sparkly top for Christmas so she will be all set. 8am and I’m up and about. I always set an alarm when I am here as I feel guilty if I lay around in bed. I know it wouldn't bother Mum or Dad one iota but makes me feel better being up and around.

I got up to an invite! Lee and Clare are going to my house on Boxing Day until New Years Eve so they can have some time together and see the city and other areas near me. I’m not at my house so more than happy for them to use it. Clare also asked me if I still fancied seeing Jumanji, the new movie out Boxing Day. We had previously cancelled our girls film day as they were going away but we decided that the three of us should go see the movie, then have dinner out together before they went. J

Did everything for mum this morning, then Clare and I washed her hair for her. Popped out to the shops too as Dad wanted a couple of things that they had forgotten. Caught up on some emails. Read some of the latest book I am reading (written by former President Obama’s speech writer) and put my headphones in with music blaring. I love my Air Pods (thanks Dad!).

Dinners on the go for tonight. Just simple chicken and jacket potatoes. The wines in the glass and my brother and sister in law are on the way back from the local Bavarian Bier Cafe.

25th December 2019

So, today I am 48 or as my ten year old buddy says I am level 4.8! We had all decided that we were not getting Christmas gifts for each other so none of the traditional gift swapping as we usually used to do. We ended up buying for buying sake and we are all at that age if we need something.....we get it! Birthday messages had been flowing thick and fast through the night and this morning through social media, one of the first being Marks daughter Charlotte. I have been replying to each this morning as they come in.

Everyone on line is commenting about “the first Christmas without Mark” but you know what......I feel fine, I really do. A wise man once told me that “it is what it is and we cant change it” so that's my philosophy. I wasn't ready to accept that ideal but today it seems right. Maybe because it is my birthday and I’m ready for it who knows.

You never ever, and neither should you, forget someone who has passed away, specially not a spouse but there does come a time to start making new memories and traditions. My plan is never forget, grab every moment and live well. That’s how Mark lived and the best way that I can honour my fella.

Someone also told me once that I would know when the time was right to start the gentle process of starting those new traditions and memories. Today feels like the first day of the next phase of my life. That’s not to say that there wont be days when I want to stay in bed all day. That’s not to say there wont be good and bad days but I need to live life as best as I can.....starting today. Its the first day of the next phase of my life.

Christmas when you approach 50 is just another day but I was hoping that the first birthday without Mark may have been better. I tried to make everyone feel at ease but it was a non-event birthday. Maybe I’m just too used to Mark making such a huge deal out of it!!

26th December 2019

Up and about around eight and finished off replying to all the birthday messages I had. I sent Lee and Clare some information about walks and places to go in Brisbane. Some places they have been taken to before by Mum and Dad but when you're on your own you view things differently. They need to have that chance. Whether they use the info or not is up to them but better to have it and have that chance.

Cinema and dinner day today. Looking forward to that. Out with Lee and Clare tonight. Had a 4pm showing of Jumanji: The second level followed by dinner and drinks at the Bavarian Bier Cafe. Out for about 6 1/2 hours which was great. Quality time and laughs, three of us together. I have never talked or laughed so much since the day I lost Mark, we really did have fun!

So Lee and Clare are now heading to my house until 31 December. Quality time just the two of them.

That’s my few days over Christmas......

Cuppa Jo

Christmas....I don’t know whether I am looking forward to it.

2019-12-05T16:55:00.001+10:00

Christmas......

I don’t know whether I am looking forward to it.

Every year in our house, my husband made sure that Christmas was something special. Not because it was Christmas, but because it was my birthday. Having a birthday on Christmas Day could be two things. Lousy as it gets lost in the saga of Christmas and everything surrounding it or it would be the complete opposite.

My husband always went for “the opposite”. He always made my birthday something special. He always seemed to have remembered something from through the year that I had seen and liked. Lo and behold, it usually turned up at Christmas.

So, my first of the “widow firsts” approach and its two on the same day. My first Christmas without him and my first birthday. Some would argue that getting two out of the way on one day is better. I might argue that it may make it twice as hard.

So, how to approach it????

I have made the decision that it will be full-on. He would not want me to be sitting around moping at Christmas. He would want me to enjoy my birthday. To see my birthday with a smile on my face and a glass of wine in my hand, so that s what I intend to do.

So, just under three weeks and its Christmas,

It is December 5th already.........

Band of Brothers

2019-12-02T23:02:00.002+10:00

Band of Brothers

For about the sixth time in as many years, I am currently settled into watching Band of Brothers. The Steven Spielberg second world war epic that covers the Airborne's 506th Regiment, otherwise known as “Easy Company”. Every time I watch this series I feel that I spot something else that I missed on one of the other occasions. As I watch Richard Winters and Lewis Nixon having a heated discussion about what he is drinking and how much, I see a disappointment in Nixon’s eyes when he realises he has been demoted however this changes swiftly as he updates his troops. These moments serve to remind us of how the mood and life of a soldier can change so rapidly.

Band of Brothers from the US Airborne division are dropped behind enemy lines in 1944. Following the drop, they serve together and take part in D-Day victories. A fight through Europe, the battle of the Bulge and the liberation of the horrific death camps ends in the spectacular capture of Berchtesgaden, Hitlers mountain eyrie.

Band of Brothers is based on the book by historian Stephen Ambrose. This gentleman is an academic and a well respected one. The book was written following hours of extensive interviews with the Easy Company veterans. While Stephen Ambrose has written extensively, Band of Brothers focuses on a small group of men.

As a woman, war movies or war TV series were not my kind of thing but this grabbed me right from episode one - Currahee. I will admit that Spielberg and Hanks did give me a vested interest in that I know what I will see will be good. So, I watched it. All ten episodes. Over the years I have watched it again and again and again.

The cast of Band of Brothers is weighted down with stars and soon-to-be stars. Damien Lewis landed the leading role as Richard Winters. He portrays the leadership qualities and calmness that we come to know as a trait others well respected in him. Tom Hanks puts in a brief appearance as British officer number 1. Other cast members are Michael Fassbender, later known for his X-Men appearances. Tom Hardy for his Mad Max, Dunkirk and appearances as The Krays in Legend. Donnie Wahlberg is to be praised for his role as Sgt Carwood Lipton. A very young Simon Pegg also makes an appearance, way before his Star Trek and Mission Impossible franchise roles. There were many more besides these.

Scattered throughout the ten part series are snapshots of interviews with the veterans. This is something that Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks also made a point of as research for the project. Every interview is poignant. Every interview is real. Every interview allows the veteran to say exactly how they felt. Although it is possible to make an educated guess as to who is who throughout the series, Steven did something very brave. Steven`s trump card, in my opinion, was not revealing which veteran was who until right at the very end.

The final speech of the series is quite rightly placed firmly in the hands of Major Richard Winters who says “One day my grandson said to me, grandpa were you a hero in the war? And i said to him no I'm not a hero, but I have served in a company full of them.”

2019-12-02T21:55:00.000+10:00

So as we move into December......

How did December roll round so quick?

With everything that has gone on this year, December seemed to jump up and give me a slap on the face. I woke up on 1st December and suddenly realised that I had no cards written, no Christmas letter done, no notes, no nothing. Was I just holed up in everything that had happened or had I turned into a Bah Humbug kind of girl?

I have never been that Bah Humbug kind of girl. I absolutely love Christmas. Probably having something to do with the fact that I am a birthday girl too, the day just has double meaning. However, given the fact that its Christmas without a husband this year, my Bah Humbug went into overdrive.

As December 1 kicked round, I made the decision to make every attempt to have some Christmas spirit. I did away with the large 6 foot Christmas tree that Mark and I used and had a small one instead. I couldn’t face the big tree. I couldn’t face trying to get every ornament on there. I couldn’t face all the traditions that we had with our ornaments. So the small tree and select ornaments went on. Ones with meaning.

Christmas dinner has been arranged at my parents. Turkey as ever will be cooked beautifully on the BBQ and between my brother, sister in law and me......we will cook everything else. Christmas dinner and maybe a Christmas fruit cake or birthday cake if I get my baking hat on.

So, my Christmas cards were written yesterday and today and have been posted off. A few emails have been sent out to friends and family. We always did a Christmas letter for family in the UK and that has gone too.

So, onwards to the 25th. When we celebrate me becoming 48..........Do I want to celebrate that?

Signing off.....Cuppa Jo.

Christmas Looming....My first one without my soulmate

2019-11-25T23:06:00.000+10:00

Christmas Looming

My first one without my soul mate

Every year we would trundle out the old Christmas tree. Just over 6 foot high, fifteen years old and it dropped more needles than a real tree ever did! But it was ours, it was tradition and it was fun. This year, I couldn't face it. Why was I getting a big tree out? Who for? So I bit the bullet and sold it. Bought a smaller one and minimised my decorating.

Every year we used to have ornaments with the year written on them. That was our tradition since we had lived in Australia but now that had to change. I couldn't do that anymore. I couldn't celebrate how many years I had been here, especially now being alone. So each ornament on the tree has meaning,well, they always have. This year it meant a little more. Ably assisted by a ten year old that I know the tree was decorated.

The three above were bought last year from Peters of Kensington and are Royal Doulton. Apart from the spinning top, the others were chosen by Mark.

I hadn’t found a star for the tree so this is at the top at the moment. Come on folks, I am making an effort here.

I am a Whovian and proud of it. Have been ever since I was three years old and hiding behind the sofa to get away from the Daleks! Two Tardis adorn my tree!

There was another extremely special person in my life who loved Christmas in that Bah humbug kind of way. She was my aunt, my friend and someone I would tell everything too. I have had this bauble for many years and it is usually the first one on the tree. Prime position, Top centre!!!

This had to go on. No words needed here.

My bus is up there to celebrate the career of my soul mate. He loved his job and didn’t hesitate to do the same career when we moved to Australia.

That’s me!

Every year my mum and I would have a new Mother/Daughter ornament but we started to have so many that the tree wouldn’t hold everything! This is my favourite and I know my mum still has hers.

I have a huge box of Christmas ornaments but only these are out this year. These were right, these are special. I know that Christmas will be a tough time this year. Mark loved Christmas as it was my birthday too and I am not ashamed to say, he usually spoilt me rotten. He always had a knack of remembering something from through the year that I had liked and it would appear. Something I wanted to try.....it would appear. Somewhere I wanted to go, tickets would be there.

My little tree is my compromise for myself. I will celebrate Christmas, just not in the way we would have. Plus I’ll be 48 on Christmas Day too....one step closer to 50!!

Signing off.......Cuppa Jo

Reading a book and recognising yourself.....

2019-11-24T18:29:00.001+10:00

Reading a book and recognising yourself.

When you wonder if you wrote the book yourself!!

I am one of my family’s most avid readers and over the years have enjoy thousands of great reads. Given my recent foray into widow-hood I have found myself reading more lately, I suppose as a form of escapism. I stumbled on this book, started reading yesterday and already am half way through. “Confessions of a mediocre widow or how I lost my husband and my sanity” is a reflective piece written by Catherine Tidd after the sudden loss of her husband Brad following a motorcycle accident. It chronicles their life together, interactions with his colleagues, in-laws, children as well as funeral plans and life afterwards. Catherine writes in a blunt and at times sarcastic way but extremely humorous and relatable way too. A way that only a widow may truly understand.

When you lose a spouse there is a model of grief, a certain expectation that those surrounding you expect to see. Do they expect you to fall in a heap on a floor as if you were acting in a Hollywood movie? Do they expect you to cry whenever your spouses name is mentioned? Do they expect you to go to bed and never get up? Lock the world out? Everyone has their expectations but unless you have been in that situation my words would be, you have no idea.

Catherine talks in her book about a need to take control in her life. Well, to take control back in her life really. She discusses renovating her bedroom to make it her sanctuary. That is something I did within the first three months. Within the first week, I had ordered a new duvet cover for the bed. I felt a need to make it my room. Everything in it had been chosen by my husband. Just a change in bed linen gave me a little control back.

Catherine also discusses in her book about renovating other areas of the house. As much as I could see where she was coming from and how the need for it came about, it wasn't something I felt I needed to do. The most I did was swapping over where the coffee machine went in the kitchen!

Moving house is something that all widows go through. Do you stay in the house where everything you can relate to is? Do you move away from your house and make a fresh start? One thing is for sure, don't make any of those judgements and decisions in the first few months. If you make a decision quickly, you may live to regret it.

Row with Family members - Catherine discusses candidly about arguments and discussions that she had with her mother, father, sister and in laws. Unless someone has physically, mentally and emotionally been through the loss of a spouse they have no idea how you will be feeling. Catherine discusses how people compared it to losing pets and friends and most callously, discussing a similar motorcycle accident in front of her too.

This books subject matter has the potential to be extremely distressing but Catherine handles it with a display of wit, a dose of sarcasm and the levelheadedness that is needed to get through being a widow. This book is one that should be handed out to all new widows and widowers. While it is by no means a self help book, it certainly goes a long way to making you feel that you are not alone. Like I said in my title, I had started to wonder whether I had written it myself????

Thanks Catherine

Signing off ....Cuppa Jo

It’s been three months.......

2019-11-22T19:57:00.000+10:00

So, it has been three months now.

Day 84 - 23rd November.

So, on Saturday 23rd November it has been three months since I lost my husband. Three months that feels like three years. There are still some days when I think that he is at work and he’ll stroll in within an hour or so. Some days it seems like he could be in hospital and I am having a break in between visiting. But he never comes home and i never go to the hospital.

So life goes on and moves forwards. Just not in the way that I would have hoped. Life as it today, makes going to hospitals every day look like a walk in the park. Life today is something I would give up in a heartbeat to have my boy back and be his carer once again. Sure, it was exhausting but I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

So, three months into a new way of life. Three months into being a widow. I have even had some people call me “single” which I am definitely not ready to be called yet. As far as the law is concerned I am no longer married as there is “no one there that I am married to” but my heart tells me something completely different.

One of the big things I did recently was remove my wedding ring. I still have Marks wedding ring on my right hand and that won’t be removed but there was a need for mine to come off. I did not want a jeweller to have to cut the ring off. My arthritic knuckles were telling me that this was a possibility and a close possibility at that. So I removed my ring.. The following day, my hand felt bare. I tried “no ring” for a few days but it just wasn't right so I put a silver ring on my wedding finger. The ring I chose was intertwining hearts - defined by the designer as love locked together forever.

Gradually over the last few months I have made some changes around the house too. Little things that Mark and I had planned but never got to do. Little things that made things work a little better for me. Little things that made me feel a little more settled. I got a fence put up in the garden, something we had been talking about but not done. I put up some lights under our kitchen counter in the house, again something we had talked about. I got some metal art put up, again, another job we hadn’t got around to. I also ordered a new dining table for outside. We had been given some money, needed a table and we had chosen one. It hadn’t been in stock before he died so when it came in, I ordered it and put t together.

I also made changes to our bedroom. The large TV we had was no longer working so that needed to be dumped. Got that done and moved the home office into an area we had off the bedroom. All these changes just make the house workable. Not that it wasn’t before, but now as the house has to work for me as opposed to us. I hate saying that. Me not us.

People ask me how I manage and get through as I “look so strong”. People have said that I don't look like I am or have been grieving. Its a hard thing to explain to people but strong isn’t something you are. It’s not strong, its “functioning”. Just functioning from day to day. Its getting through a day. Grieving isn’t something you switch on and switch off. It comes in waves and there is no prediction of when, where and how. For me, its usually evenings and night-times. Day times are fine as you can get through days with the shopping, cleaning, and so on but night-times are harder. Nights are quieter and are the times when we would usually sit together with a movie and share a glass of wine.

No matter what, the thoughts are always there. The triggers are always there. Sitting and watching a movie we loved, listening to a piece of music, talking on the phone to friends or family, reading a book.....all are triggers and something that cant be avoided.

What I am finding at the moment is that I am doing things without thinking. I watched something on TV the other day and I turned to ask Mark a question before it dawned on me that he was not there. It was an automatic reaction. Google just isn’t the same! Every time I go to do shopping or washing, I automatically go to pick up things that I know Mark would like. I walk round Target shopping for different things I find myself drawn to T shirts etc that I knew Mark would like.

Mark and I had traditions that we always did. On our birthdays we would always go out for a meal. I will find a way of honouring that one for myself. We always bought a Christmas tree bauble with the year on it, something we had done ever since we arrived in Australia. That’s something I don’t feel I can do anymore. I have made a decision to have a smaller Christmas tree and just put a few favourite ornaments on it instead of all of them.

So, three months in and life continues, Not the life I like. Not the life I want. But what I have to remember is that it is the life I have now. I have to remember that it is going to take a long time (if ever) to get used to this life. I have to remember that friends that knew us as a couple struggle with their own grief and how to manage now Hattersley is one person and not a party of two. I have to remember that family struggle with that too.

I have to remember that my grief is something that I will never get over. I must remember that grief as a spouse is something that no one ever understands unless they have been through it.

I must remember that I am still me!!!

Signing off.......Cuppa Jo

Thanks for the memories.

2019-11-20T23:49:00.003+10:00

Thanks for the memories.

This just drifted into my head - flicked the light back on and typed it up!!

Do you know what?I wish I had more time with you.

More time for memories, but turn this around and think about the amazing life we shared.

You allowed me the joy of co-parenting two children with you and being part of their life.

You showed me that there was a world out there waiting for me to explore.

You loved me unconditionally and fiercely.

You showed me that it was okay to let myself be loved.

Don't start me on the holidays. Ibiza, Turkey three times.

Then three grand trips to the States, us and our parents.

We moved overseas to yet more adventures.

Saying goodbye to the stability and the family that we knew.

We settled here. Bought a house, made a life.

Jobs we loved and friends we liked.

Saw Perth and Cairns twice.Saw Melbourne too.

Been to Sydney and Byron.

Ticked Uluru off my bucket list, sunrise and sunset.

Dinner in the desert with the love of my life.

Saw rock concerts, shows, comedians and more.

Tribute bands and drinks and singing along.

Introduced me to rugby league. The rest history.

You’re not here, I’ll still go. My team, you see.

I guess what I’m saying is thanks for the memories.

I’ll continue to make more, instead of us, just me.

I will never forget you, I’m sure they’ll be tears.

But tears will go. Memories last years.

Signing off. Cuppa Jo

Taking off my wedding ring......

2019-11-19T20:28:00.002+10:00

Taking off my wedding ring....

I have been part of a young widows on line group since the week after my soul mate passed away. Just somewhere that you can post questions, look at answers and know that how you are feeling is not unusual.

Yesterday I posted a question. My question was “When is the right time to remove a wedding ring?”. I also asked the same question of a family friend who is in the same situation as myself. Ever since my husbands death I have been wearing his wedding ring on my right hand. That will continue for as long as I live but the question remained as to what to do with my wedding ring.

The fact that I have arthritic knuckles and they were swelling was a precipitating factor in my starting to question about the ring. I sat all day and thought about it. My gut said yes, take it off. Its just a ring. Another part of me said “what are you thinking?”

So I sat and thought about it. I bit the bullet and decided to do it. I put my hand in ice cold water to cool my knuckles and used cotton wound round my finger to reduce the swelling. Slowly and surely the ring came off. The way the skin was underneath clearly indicated that it wouldn’t have been long before I would have had to cut it off.

I wasn't sure how I felt when the ring came off apart from knowing that my hand felt extremely bare. I wasn’t sure if it was a bad idea to have removed it. But it was done. In a few days I will decide if I want another ring there.

Today however, I woke up having had an extremely vivid dream. My husband was walking towards me, mud on his face and he was telling me that he had been in a car accident but he was fine. It was almost like he was telling me “Don't sweat it, There`s bigger things in life to worry about, its just removing a ring”. It was such a real vivid dream, I have never had anything like that before.

So, this morning, I also woke to a bare hand. It was strange but I have to learn to live without that ring. I still wear his ring on my right hand and that is my most precious gift of all.

Nothing has changed in my life, whether I wear the ring or not nothing has changed. He is always part of my life and always will be.

Signing off......Cuppa Jo

Keeping up traditions.

2019-11-17T20:38:00.003+10:00

Keeping up traditions.

Do you keep same traditions or make new ones?

When you have had many traditions with your loved one the question to ask yourself is, do you want those traditions to continue?. Or do you start new ones?.

Christmas

Every Christmas in our house, we would buy a Christmas bauble. Usually from Myers and it always had the year date on it. Its something that my husband and I did every year since we arrived in Australia back in 2005.

However now, I don't feel I can do that. I don’t feel that I want to do that. There now needs to be something new for Christmas. I have yet to decide what that is. I don’t want our Christmas tree anymore. Putting it up for us both was something special. Standing by while he told me where to put ornaments was something special. Now that’s changed.

I am getting myself a new smaller tree. One that can sit on a table and be easier for me to manage. I may even get a few new ornaments for the tree. Its not about wiping the slate clean of an old life and memories. Its about moving forward and making new memories for my life, keeping the old memories just for my husband.

Our Wedding Anniversary.

This year my husband and I managed to celebrate our silver wedding anniversary. We celebrated it with a small get-together at home for about fifteen people. In 2020 I will be acknowledging 26 years. 26 years is an amazing achievement but I will be doing it alone. How do I do that? Do I spend time with family and friends? Do I buy myself flowers? Do I go out for a meal?

My gut and only instinct is to go for a meal for one at what was our favourite restaurant. It is one place that I feel that I would be close to him that day. If I didn't do that, my other gut feeling is to do something different every year, something that I have never done before.

His Birthday.

This is the tough one for me. This is the one where I would want to curl up on the sofa and not see anyone or let anyone in. Its a day where a bottle of red wine works well alongside a good movie. We would always go out for a meal to a restaurant in Albany Creek on his birthday. It was his favourite place.

Are there any right answers?????

There are no right answers to what to do or not to do in these situations. Everyone manages differently. Some need to continue old traditions. Some need new ones. If you have children, there might be changes again to how you manage these regular traditions.

Articles of Interest:

https://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/15/health/15brod.html

https://www.roadtozest.com/blog/2016/12/24/11-tips-for-your-first-christmas-after-losing-a-loved-one

https://www.countryliving.com/life/news/a45803/holidays-after-death-of-loved-one/

Signing off.......Cuppa Jo

Going out from Brisbane

2019-11-12T20:50:00.002+10:00

Going out from Brisbane.

Making sure “me time” is the right time.

When you have been or when you are in the position of widow it is crucial that you make time for yourself. It is, I would say, vital. But how do you decide how much time, when is the right time and what do you do?
Answer: Everyone is different. There is no manual for grief that tells you what to do and when so my advice would be to go with your gut feeling.

So with gut feeling in mind, here are some links for you to read and follow.

D`Aguilar National Park

Brisbane has many parks, National parks and open areas for you to explore. D`Aguilar National Park has a southern region which extends to Samford and The Gap, encompassing Walkabout Creek.
It also has a northern region which extends to Woodford and touches on areas surrounding The Glasshouse mountains. Walks are available everywhere you go!
There are the odd wineries too. OceanView Winery is one that has delightful food and drink on offer!
https://www.visitmoretonbayregion.com.au/natural-attractions/daguilar-national-park

Hand gliding, islands and more.......

There are many other day trips from Brisbane and this next link will direct you to a wide variety.
https://breathingtravel.com/best-day-trips-outside-of-brisbane/

The Glasshouse Mountains.

One of the most beautiful areas is the Sunshine Coast and also The Glasshouse Mountains. Many walking tracks and climbs are available here.
https://parks.des.qld.gov.au/parks/glass-house-mountains/

Norfolk Lakes Park.

Of course for every large area like the ones I have looked at, there are smaller areas that may have escaped your eye. One such area is Norfolk Lakes Park in Narangba.
https://www.visitmoretonbayregion.com.au/natural-attractions/norfolk-lakes-park-narangba
It is a stunning made made lake encompassing toilet facilities, barbecues, paths to walk and cycle as well as the ducks that eagerly await your leftovers. Locals walk their dogs there and it is extremely peaceful, even on weekends! Free events have been laid on such as a Teddy Bears Picnic and Movie in the Park. Well worth a look. The pictures below are ones I took myself while walking the dog!

So, make sure you have you time. Walk the dog, sit by a lake, take a good book to a coffee shop. Whatever it is, spend time for you. And another thing, do not be afraid to turn your phone off and block out the world for a few hours. It can be beneficial. I’ll leave you with that thought

Signing off....Cuppa Jo

Remembrance Day 2019

2019-11-11T12:19:00.000+10:00

Remembrance Day 2019

The first time without him......

Remembrance Day 2019. Ten weeks since my loving husband had passed away and the first “holiday” without him. Every year, we would quietly remember his army friends that were no longer here. He loved his army days with a passion. He had so many amazing memories from the six years with his battalion.

This year I was unable to do anything, get out to go to a service or anywhere for quiet reflection. It felt wrong to not do something but I rationalised it that I was thinking about him anyway and that would have to be enough for 2019.

My husband served in The Prince of Wales Own Regiment of Yorkshire and was very proud of it. 1st Battalion or PWO1 as he always said to me! He made many friends and over the years was quite disappointed in himself that he hadn’t made more of an effort to keep in touch. However in the later years of his life he found his battalion facebook page and reestablished old alliances and loved it. Conversations in our house usually started with “do you remember me telling you about...........?” He had so many stories and regaled me with tales of crashing in helicopters, Daytona Beach, ski-ing, alcohol poisoning, Berlin, The Falklands, Northern Island and more.

Marks family set off on Remembrance Sunday and went to the local Cenotaph in order to pay their respects to him. Thank you Sheila Hattersley for putting down the cross from you all.

Thank you to the boys from PWO1 for the above and ensuring that Mark will never be forgotten.

My memories and reflection is in the above photos. Seeing him blacked up and ready for exercise. Seeing him in the pub with his friends. Seeing him next to his truck. Knowing that this was the best time in his life.

I know how proud he was to serve. While I am proud of his service, I am equally proud that I can say that was “my soldier”. He was my fella and he was one in a million.

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/47380/in-flanders-fields

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKoJvHcMLfc

Signing off......Cuppa Jo

Widows Care Packages

2019-11-09T14:50:00.001+10:00

Widows Care Parcels.

What a great idea!

One thing I did do, quite soon after becoming widowed, was join an on line forum for widows and widowers. Its a worldwide one but at least when I am reading it, it confirms for me that the crazy thoughts and feelings that I have sometimes are perfectly normal!

One of the posts I read today grabbed my attention. It was titled “Care Parcels” and the post stated: “if you were to receive a care parcel for people like us, what would you love to get?”. What a divine idea? I put out the call to see if there was anyone near me in Brisbane. Chances are small but thought, if you don't ask right......

So, answers started to come into this post thick and fast. Here are some of them.

- Cinema Tickets.

- Restaurant Vouchers.

- Vouchers for Hire a hubby - for when jobs are needed to be done.

- Home made food.

- Candles.

- Bath bombs.

- Wine.

- Notes from a friend - ones that say “I don’t know what to say to you but......”.

- Telephone number of someone going through the same thing.

- Notes from friends who follow up on what they offer.

- A journal to write thoughts up.

- A box to keep the loved ones mementos in.

- Tissues.

- Confirmed Coffee and Cake with a friend.

- Throw Blanket.

- Setting up a fundraiser for hospice etc.

- Flowers - every woman loves flowers.

The list went on and on but this was such a beautiful idea. It could extend to a secret Santa idea, a regular meeting with local ladies or gentleman in the same boat.

I will sign off and say - think about those that are in this situation or with a chronically sick husband or wife. Even if they say no to help, it usually will mean they are too proud or too scared to say “yes please”. Its a way of saying “Im thinking of you and here when you’re ready.”

Over and out

Cuppa Jo

A new day is dawning

2019-11-09T13:57:00.000+10:00

A new day is dawning.

Today is 10 weeks.

Ever since my husband passed away each day has been long and different. While some of the core elements, such as sadness, missing him and wanting to tell him everything stay the same, there does seem to be a little light that creeps in here and there.

I am up on the Sunshine Coast this week with my parents, brother and sister in law. The first day I arrived my Dad took me out and bought me a mountain bike. When my husband was sick, leaving the house seemed impossible. There were some days even our dog didn't get walked. However now, I can get out more and plan to use my time wisely.

When I cycled before, six out of seven days I was doing a regular ten kilometres a day as well as a few kms walking. This enabled me to keep fit and lose a few kilograms which was a very welcome result I must tell you. I started at a rather huge 106kg and got down to an extremely healthy 84kg. I’m now sitting pretty at 88-90kg so the need to get off and cycling again.......its back with a vengeance.

Started today......

Today I pulled that bike out of the garage and off I went. Out to the University of the Sunshine Coast and cycled around their grounds. I clocked up 6.47km, happy with that for my first time back in the saddle for some time. Each day I will do a little bit more. When I get home, I will get back to my daily cycle round Norfolk Lakes.

Above are a few pictures from this morning. Blue skies, heat and the smell of smoke from fires that are spreading around. Back for a cold drink and cool shower.

That’s me for now.

Signing off....Cuppa Jo

A Widows Tale - Carrying on with Life

2019-11-07T23:10:00.000+10:00

A Widows Tale.

Carrying on with Life - ten weeks on.....

When you become a widow, no amount of magic words make you feel better. No amount of wise anecdotes from friends or family make an ounce of difference. No ideas on how to move forward with your life will make any sense to you at all. No matter how great you may look on the outside, it doesn't mean that you are that way inside. Everything that everyone says, all be it with the greatest of intentions seems like they have no clue what you are going through. Guess what! They don’t have a clue.

I was widowed on 31 August 2019. My husband was fifty five. Way too young for this. I am almost forty eight. We had plans that we were setting out to achieve. Trips we wanted to go on. Anniversaries and birthdays that he wanted to be here for. Relatives he wanted to see again. He managed some of it before myasthenia gravis grabbed him and stole him from me.

For the first week after his death, I was at my parents house. They were protecting me and looking out for me. As lovely as it was to be there, I had so much to do, that i needed to be at my own place surrounded by the things I needed and things that belonged to my husband. I stayed at my parents for the first week and then headed home.

The following few weeks were chaos if I am being honest. I had so much to do that my days never seemed to have enough time in them. From days at the house making sure basic household chores were done to getting bills changed over and paperwork completed.....there was too much to do. These days were interspersed with overnight steps weekly with my parents to visit my mum who is sick as well as try and support my Dad. I’m really not sure how much support I was though.

At week 6 after his death his mum arrived. It is here I must absolutely applaud my beautiful mother in law. She had decided to come to Australia for his life celebration so I held off until I knew she could get here. She could meet his friends and see how loved he was. At seventy five she flew sixteen thousand kilometres. This must have been the hardest of journeys knowing that she was coming to her sons house but no son. I was so proud of her. She stayed for three weeks and left two days ago.

So here I find myself at week nine post Mark. I was asked today how I seem to “not look like I am grieving.” I found myself explaining that I am but it is in my own way. Day times, there is enough for me to do and I find myself on the go for 75% of my day. Evenings and nights are the worst times. I find myself watching movies I know we would have loved together. I find myself wandering to the bedroom to ask him something then remembering he isn’t there. I find myself looking at clothing I know he would like as I wander through Target to pick up things for myself . I find myself missing him more at night than any other time. Each night we would sit there and chat before we went to sleep. Each night I would say the same thing to him - “kiss me like you miss me Mr H!” and he would call me soppy. That’s when my tears are, at nighttime.

Every day is harder than the one before and I know that it will continue to get that way for some time. Life is not meant to be easy and by far, this is the toughest thing I have ever had to face. When I lost him, I decided a few things:
- Sort a few basic things out around the house to make my life a little easier - ✅
- Sell all the disabled equipment to those who needed it - ✅
- Clean out larder cupboard - ✅
- Clean out his clothes - ✅. OK I could only partially do this. I kept all my old favourites just because! I kept several of his t shirts to sleep in. I kept all of his rugby shirts too.

Before he died he said a few things to me and I am now able to start moving forward to do those things.
- Work with whichever organisations I can to assist in getting Voluntary Assisted Euthanasia into QLD. I have signed up with a few and am writing Marks story. This is the first step.
- He told me to take a year off and just live. That I am doing. I’ve done one course and am doing another, moving towards a brand new career.
- He told me to travel. I have put money aside for a holiday whenever that may be.
- He told me to get on with life. He knew I will never forget him. He knew I would grieve and remember him in my own way which I am.
- He told me he would always love me and knew I would always love him too.

He also told me that if the opportunity presented itself, I was to love again and let myself be loved. I promised him I would but reminded Mark, they would have a lot to live up to as he spoilt me rotten.

After this first period of time, I know that the next days/weeks I need to focus on myself. Whether that be going for walks, going out on my bike (thanks for my new bike Mum and Dad!), reading a book......its time for me time.

So, I sign off this tale and say......Life does go on. It will never be the old life. Some friends I accept now I may never see as much or maybe even see again . I know that I have a new life to find, a new normal. This will take time, I am fully aware but at the moment.......I still want my old life.

Signing off - Cuppa Jo

Song Lyrics

2019-11-07T17:10:00.001+10:00

Song Lyrics

Meanings to us all.....

Every single song lyric means something to someone. Every lyric reminds someone of someone else or a memory that they have. There are two that I have recently heard after some time that instantly flash reminders to me.

Old Time Rock n Roll

Lyrics

Just take those old records off the shelf
I'll sit and listen to 'em by myself
Today's music ain't got the same soul
I like that old time rock n' roll

Don't try to take me to a disco
You'll never even get me out on the floor
In ten minutes I'll be late for the door
I like that old time rock n' roll

Still like that old time rock n' roll
That kind of music just soothes the soul
I reminisce about the days of old
With that old time rock n' roll

Won't go to hear them play a tango
I'd rather hear some blues or funky old soul
There's only one sure way to get me to go
Start playing old time rock n' roll

Call me a relic, call me what you will
Say I'm old-fashioned, say I'm over the hill
Today's music ain't got the same soul
I like that old time rock n' roll

Still like old time rock n' roll
That kind of music just soothes the soul
I reminisce about the days of old
With that old time rock n' roll

This Song reminds me of my Dad. He has certain music that he absolutely loves and more recently has widened his horizons. Something he tells me constantly I should do!! But this just makes me smile and reminds me of him.

The other one that sticks in my head right now is:

Ain't No Mountain High Enough

Marvin Gaye

Listen baby, ain't no mountain high
Ain't no valley low, ain't no river wide enough baby
If you need me call me no matter where you are
No matter how far don't worry baby
Just call my name I'll be there in a hurry
You don't have to worry

'Cause baby there ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you babe

Remember the day I set you free
I told you you could always count on me darling
From that day on, I made a vow
I'll be there when you want me
Some way, some how

'Cause baby there ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you babe

Oh no darling
No wind, no rain
Or winters cold can stop me baby, na na baby
'Cause you are my goal
If you're ever in trouble
I'll be there on the double
Just send for me, oh baby, ha

My love is alive
Way down in my heart
Although we are miles apart
If you ever need a helping hand
I'll be there on the double
Just as fast as I can
Don't you know that there

Ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you babe

Don'tcha know that there
Ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
Ain't mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough

This one is from one of my favourite movies - Step mom. OK, so it helps that I am one! I know, groan, groan, Dad joke! The movie is a tear jerker and surrounds a dying mum who hands over her children’s care to their Dads new wife. I was the new wife but not in the same scenario.

My stepchildren are one of the best things that ever happened to me (as well as marrying their Dad obviously!) and this song , for me, means that I will always be there for them. They are my life and I am proud that they growing now with their own families.

Signing off for now: Cuppa Jo

Search Results

This morning......

2019-11-07T12:38:00.000+10:00

This morning.....

This morning was the start of a week at Mum and Dads. Partly as I don't get to see them as much as I would like and partly to give my Dad a break with caring and “entertaining” Mum!

I started my week right. Well, right and wrong. A table for one at Glasshouse Mountains Lookout cafe. While I am capable of putting myself in a “table for one” position and not really stressing over it, it still seems wrong. I brought my iPad and read for a while and then started this blog post.

On finishing breakfast my mind wandered to the lookout, where his ashes were going to be scattered. Did I want to go? Should I go? Could I go? I hadn’t been there since we lost Mark on 31 August and today it was time. I didn't know how long I was going to be there, whether I would drive in and drive out but was going to try.

So, off I went . I pulled into the car park with a bit of anticipation at not knowing how I would feel but I parked up. As I got out of the car I felt an immediate sense of absolute peace. It was perfect. I knew this was the place for Mark but (even though I already knew!) this confirmed it for me. The sense of peace and the quietness surrounding the lookout was so beautiful. I cant describe it. For me, it was always “a tourist attraction”. Now it took on something new, a new meaning and new beginning.

I’m glad that I went there. I had a mixture play list on in the car and as I pulled in Jessie's Girl by Rick Springfield came on. Call in coincidence if you will but it made me smile. It was one of his favourite songs.

So, that was day one of my week at Mum and Dads....

Signing off - Cuppa Jo

Do support groups benefit you?

2019-11-05T09:07:00.002+10:00

Do Support Groups benefit you?

Are they worth it?

So, as my life ticks over while I am trying to complete my course and make my way as a published writer I sometimes forget that Mark is not here beside me. I write something, walk to the bedroom to tell him and then I remember. I write something and go to email it to him, then I remember. He's not there to read my work and champion my cause. He read everything I did and loved it all. He supported me through a career change and study and I cannot ask for more than that.

I was sitting here on the bed, iPad on my lap staring at a picture of Mark on the wall. The one I was looking at was May 6th 1994. His hands are on my shoulders as he supports me having just said that he will be my husband til death us do part. I have to add here, neither of us anticipated it this quickly. I started thinking about on line support groups for widows. I had no desire to sit in a room or coffee shop with people but chatting in a forum or via email I could deal with. I found one and logged in.

I logged in and introduced myself and my situation. Before I could stop my hands from working, my fingers had put in question after question after question. I found myself asking everything that I had been going through. I needed confirmation that everything I felt and experienced was normal. It was an absurd pleasure to realise that I was not alone. All my questions were valid and the answers I was receiving proved I wasn’t alone.

I can hear your brain rattling and wondering what I asked. Go on, admit it! You want to know don't you. OK, I’ll share some questions with you, not all, just some. They are not all mine, some were asked by others.

Why do I feel like.......??
Why does nobody know what to say to me?
Where did all my friends go?
I don't see anyone now?
How do I carry on?
When did you move your partners clothes?
What weird things have you done since they died?

There was so much to read in this group that my 11pm plan for bed turned into 1pm. Ah well......yawn!

Moral to this post: Even if you think you don’t need to talk to someone, give it a chance.

Signing off: Cuppa Jo

Quotes of the Day

2019-11-04T00:04:00.001+10:00

Quotes of the Day

This rang so true for me. I have just completed a course in which I passed with extremely good marks. I said to a friend “I still cant believe I did that, and with those marks” to which she replied.....”seriously?” She showed that she had no doubt in my ability even when I did!

*****************************

When you are a widow getting through a day is a huge accomplishment. Nine weeks ago yesterday I lost my soul mate. While I know I look confident and strong on the outside, I know that I definitely do not feel that way.

******************************

My loss is my darkness. Hoping that when the clouds pass, there may be some shining stars waiting for me.

******************************

I promise this to my husband. I will look for the good things that will come through this dark time. I will do everything I can to live the best life I can and hope that I continue to make you proud

******************************

This quote is so right. There is no date that grief will go. It may never go. Hopefully support will continue to be around you.

Signing off - Cuppa Jo

Started a new book today

2019-11-03T09:45:00.001+10:00

So, I started a new book today.

I have always been an avid reader ever since I can remember. Couple that with a will to write poetry and short stories and you have creativity in the making! When I read, I have been known to finish a book in an extraordinarily short space of time. This book.......Long way Home......I have been waiting for.

I have been a fan of Cameron’s father, actor Michael Douglas since I was a teenager. Talk to me about Romancing the Stone, Jewel of the Nile, Black Rain, Wall Street and I could more than likely relay a few portions of the script for you! When you’re a fan of an actor and read up about them, you tend to get hooked into their family life. This is how I came across Cameron’s book. I remember from newspapers and newsreels some of the problems that he had faced and was interested to learn how he had dealt with them. I had also read some book reviews, some from highly rated celebrities, who all raved about how raw and honest this book was.

So, thank you Amazon. This book now sits comfortably on kindle on my iPad and I am happy! Once I have finished it, I’ll review it on my blog.

Link for the book

https://www.amazon.com.au/Long-Way-Home-Cameron-Douglas/dp/052552083X/ref=sr_1_4?keywords=Long+way+home&qid=1572737916&sr=8-4

Signing off: Cuppa Jo

So, I want to be an author.......

2019-11-02T09:46:00.002+10:00

So, I want to be an author.....

Ever since I was a young girl, I have always loved writing. Whether it be poetry or short stories, it was something that always seemed to come naturally to me. When I had time away from regular work and began caring for my husband I started a certificate in creative writing. I wanted to keep my brain active as well as have the potential for a new career.

That course has come and gone and presented itself in the form of a distinction and two high distinctions. I was extremely proud of this. Course number two has been sourced, paid and signed up for. I have an option to better myself, change career and chase a dream. The best part is there is nothing to stop me having a go.

What will I write?

My first thought was start with a blog, hence what you are reading now. My plan was initially was to use the blog to talk about my life since the loss of my husband. I planned to use it as a tool to help others while working through my own feelings too. It has quickly developed and in less than a month I find myself having something to say almost daily. Some would say that's normal for me!!

After the blog got underway, I started to think about books. Do I go for a novel? Do I stick with poems? Do I go for teenage fiction? Or do I keep it simple. I came up with an idea. One so implement it was scary! I have, in the past , had a habit of over thinking things so trusted my gut.

I will be starting work on a series of children’s books. The “who, what, why, when and would you rather?” books. A simple range of books that can address children’s questions. Things such as:

- What is a best friend?

- Why don't mummy and daddy live together now? (Addressing divorce in a simple manner)

- Why cant we see grandad now? (Addressing death in a simple manner)

- When can I play outside?

- Would you rather be a.......
-What is school?

These books could be written to answer a multitude of questions for a certain age group. So now the research. I am sure that there may be something like this out there but as yet, I haven`t found it. Maybe there is a niche in the market for me. Could I have found it this quickly? My next research step is to talk to my target market. I know a ten year old that will help me, talk to me about this and help me come up with some ideas. I know he would read the finished projects too and have honest feedback. I have also emailed all my friends with children to get some advice too. The more I know, the more realistic it will be.

I have emailed and chatted with all my friends with children, all my colleagues with children. I am looking for the questions they were asked as a parent. The ones they could answer and the ones they struggled with. I have been googling all the kids books out there. I have been using social media and email and communicating with authors, publishers and anyone out there who will advise and listen to me. As much advice as I can get, I will take. I even have a publisher that I can send a first copy to of my first idea for a book.

Research is the name of the game.

So onwards and upwards is my mantra from now. Well, apart from today, todays mantra is relax and read a book!

Signing off....Cuppa Jo