Curious Times

THE END IS HERE

2009-08-17T11:15:00.000-07:00

Well, it’s been a great run but after 10 years of Curious Times the market has spoken and it’s time to put this column down in a humane manner.

If you’re interested in being kept up-to-date with any of my projects in the future you can still sign up for updates over there in the right-hand column.

And if you're itching for more dumb humour check out a website I have been writing for called BrilliantOrStupid.com

Adios!

JUST SWEEP THOSE DESERTS UNDER A RUG OR SOMETHING

2009-07-29T09:10:00.001-07:00

While some mad scientists work on the idea of surrounding the Earth with a million mirrors to combat global warming others are planning to build a giant wall around the Saraha desert in order to stop the desertification of Africa. The 6,000 km long barrier would be created by flooding sand dunes with bacteria which cause them to turn into sandstone in order to stop the shifting dunes and prevent the desert from further encroaching on currently habitable land. A similar plan called “The Green Wall of China” has proposed to stop the growth of the Gobi Desert in northwestern China. (BBC)

HOW TO GET AHEAD IN BUSINESS WITHOUT REALLY TRYING

2009-07-27T11:44:00.001-07:00

Australian research has discovered the same fact previously found in Britain and America -- that tall men earn more money than their shorter colleagues. The study of 7,000 workers found that two extra inches of height is equal to about $1000 per year in extra salary. The results were far less dramatic for women who need about four extra inches of height in order to grab a similar increase in pay. This latest study also found that obese people no longer earn less than their skinnier collegues (at least in Australia) but the researchers explained that this is probably simply because so many people are now overweight. (The Telegraph)

WHAT WOULD JESUS SMOKE?

2009-07-24T10:03:00.002-07:00

An article in High Times magazine called “Was Jesus a Stoner?” argues that Jesus Christ may have used a cannabis-based anointing oil in order to help cure people of such ailments as skin diseases, eye problems, menstrual problems and even epilepsy. Author Chris Bennet says that his conclusions are based on scriptual texts and claims that the medical use of cannabis during the time of Christ is supported by archaeological records. “The holy anointing oil, as described in the original Hebrew version of the recipe in Exodus, contained over six pounds of keneh-bosum - a substance identified by respected etymology, linguists anthropologists, botanists and other researchers as cannabis extracted into about six quarts of olive oil along with a variety of other fragrant herbs,” claims Bennet. Researchers believe that the keneh-bosom extract, which is absorbed into the body when placed on the skin, could have helped cure people of a variety of physical and mental problems.

“I’M ONLY HERE BECAUSE MY WELFARE WORKER FORCED ME TO GET AN INTERVIEW”

2009-07-24T10:03:00.001-07:00

Still looking for work? Take the advice of CNN which asked managers across the continent to send in the stupidest things people have said during job interviews. Try to avoid some of these phrases the next time you’re trying to get hired: “I would be a great asset to the events team because I party all the time”; “I get angry easily and I went to jail for domestic violence. But I won’t get mad at you”; “If I get an offer, how long do I have before I have to take the drug test?”; “Cigarettes are getting more expensive, so I need another job”; “I’ve never heard such a stupid question.”

IT’S ALL FUN & GAMES UNTIL THE MEDIA GETS HYSTERICAL

2009-07-23T08:34:00.000-07:00

How did we ever survive our childhoods? Two separate news items this week warn not to let your children play at the beach or in their bathtubs. The first comes from a study by the University of North Carolina which spent $63,000 of taxpayer money to discover that kids who dig in the sand at the beach are 13 percent more likely to get a stomach ailment and 20 percent more likely to get diarrhea than kids who are forced to sit quietly under a beach umbrella wearing their bicycle helmets (okay, I made that last part up). Meanwhile, the journal Pediatrics published data which found that 120 children are injured every day while playing in the shower or bathtub. Which is fine because they won’t need baths anymore if they never go outside and play. (SignOnDanDiego.com / Wbaltv.com)

WAIT TILL COLLEGE TO BECOME A USELESS DRUNK

2009-07-21T09:47:00.001-07:00

While Britain tries to get their kids to enjoy sex, Italy is trying to get their kids to stop enjoying alcohol. After centuries of teaching their children to drink wine with every meal the city of Milan, Italy is trying to enforce a ban on the sale and consumption of alcohol to anyone under the age of 16. The new laws come into effect after a study showed that a third of 11-year-olds in Milan have alcohol related problems. From now on anyone caught serving a teenager alcohol faces a fine of up to $700. (BBC)

WHERE ARE ALL THE RICH ESKIMOS?

2009-07-21T09:46:00.001-07:00

New research claims that it’s not a coincidence that countries in hot climates tend to lag behind in economic productivity. The study from MIT found that any year which had an increase in average temperatures of one degree would also find a 1.1 percent drop in per-capita gross domestic product. Put simply, if it’s really damn hot it’s likely you won’t work as hard. (NPR.org)

“FEED ME YOU IDIOT”

2009-07-20T10:50:00.001-07:00

Japanese toymaker Takara Tomy has released an updated version of their “Bow-lingual” gadget which can translate your dog’s barking noises for you. The new toy is a talking version of the old standard which claimed to be able to analyze six doggy emotions including joy, sadness and frustration. If you have another $200 to waste the new toy will speak phrases such as “I’m annoyed” or “play with me” at you. (Breitbart.com)

HOW TO RUIN YOUR VACATION

2009-07-16T09:22:00.000-07:00

And from the “Tell Us Something We Don’t Already Know” department comes a study from the San Diego School of Medicine which warns men that having unprotected sex with hookers in Tijuana will greatly increase your chances of contracting a sexually transmitted disease. You might want to get that fact tattooed on your dick because it’ll be hard to remember after your sixth shot of tequila. (Labspaces.net)

FUCK PAIN:

2009-07-16T09:21:00.000-07:00

Scientists have come up with a great excuse to swear your ass off then next time you smash yourself with a hammer or something. Research now proves that swearing lessens feelings of physical pain and allows you to withstand pain for a longer period of time. “Increased aggression has been shown to reduce people’s sensitivity to pain, so it could be swearing is helping this process,” explained the fucking genius who published this research.
(The Telegraph)

READING, WRITING, ROGERING

2009-07-14T09:17:00.001-07:00

A sexual education pamphlet being distributed to high school students in Britain has caused an outrage by pointing out the physical and psychological benefits of having an enjoyable sex life. The leaflet proudly declares that “an orgasm a day keeps the doctor away” and goes on to ask the kids: “Health promotion experts advocate five portions of fruit and veg a day and 30 minutes’ physical activity three times a week. What about sex or masturbation twice a week?” (The Telegraph)

WHO SAYS BABIES ARE USELESS?

2009-07-14T09:16:00.001-07:00

Psychologists in the UK have discovered that keeping a picture of a cute baby in your wallet will increase your chances of having the wallet returned if you ever lose it. After planting 240 wallets in the streets of Edinburgh last year they found that nearly half of the wallets were mailed back to the owner. Among those that were returned,88 percent of the wallets which contained a picture of a baby were returned compared to 53 percent for wallets with a picture of a puppy, 48 percent for a photo of a family, 28 percent for a picture of an elderly couple, and only 15 percent for wallets with no photo whatsoever. (Times Online)

I’M HATIN’ IT

2009-07-13T10:01:00.000-07:00

So you want to hike into the wilderness and get away from it all but you’re addicted to cheeseburgers. What to do, what to do? Well, a Swiss company has created the world’s first canned cheeseburger just for you. Simply throw the can in a pot of water over your campfire, wait a few minutes and you’re ready to cure your munchies. But beware, brave folks have actually tasted this monstrosity and the verdict is not good. One brave taste-tester writes that the burger tastes “something like a really terrible veggie burger: Sort of beef-esque, in a way that would only fool someone who never actually eats beef. The fairly rank, unsweetened ketchup overwhelms the burger, while the cheese and bun do not lend anything to the experience one way or the other, apart from helpfully keeping the "meat" further away from the taste buds.” (Gizmodo.com)

WORLD’S WORST TOURISTS

2009-07-13T10:00:00.000-07:00

Irritating French vacationers have knocked the Chinese off their perch as the world’s worst tourists in this year’s survey of 4,500 hotel owners worldwide carried out by Expedia. The French snatched the victory thanks to their rudeness, arrogance, unwillingness to speak local languages and inability to give tips. American tourists had a shot at the title after being voted the messiest, loudest and worst dressed tourists, but made up for it by being the world’s most generous tippers. (Reuters)

ANOTHER REASON TO BLAME YOUR PARENTS FOR YOUR CRUMMY LIFE

2009-07-10T09:41:00.002-07:00

Another warning from scientists this week about the problems with giving your son an unpopular name. The latest study claims that the more “unpopular, uncommon, or feminine” a boy’s name the greater his chances of starting a life of crime and ending up in jail some day. After analyzing over 15,000 names the researchers concluded that boys with these types of names are more likely to be ridiculed by their peers and face discrimination in the workplace which causes them to engage in socially delinquent behaviour. Among the most troublesome names (at least for North American children) are Alec, Ernest, Garland, Ivan, Kareem, Luke, Malcolm, Preston, Tyrell, and Walter. A previous study published by the University of British Columbia last year calculated that for every 10 per cent increase in the popularity of a name there is an associated 3.7 per cent decrease in the number of troublemaking kids with that name. (Orlando Sentinel)

YOU MAY NOW SNIFF THE BRIDE’S ASS

2009-07-10T09:41:00.001-07:00

A Ghanaian women married her dog last week after deciding that it was the only being on earth who displayed the qualities she was looking for in a husband. “I’ve been in relationships with so many men and they are all the same - skirt-chasers and cheaters. My dog is kind and loyal to me and he treats me with so much respect.” The wedding was attended by curious onlookers from her village but boycotted by her family, who called the marriage “a stupid step to combat her loneliness”. (Ananova)

SEXY FACTS

2009-07-09T08:28:00.003-07:00

From a webpage called “Top 10 Fascinating Facts About Sex” come these conversation starters: one minute of kissing burns 26 calories; a half an hour of sex burns 150 calories; sex cures headaches; sperm is good for your skin; men watching three-way porn produce more sperm than men watching “normal” porn; Victorian prostitutes shaved their pubic hair to prevent lice and then wore pubic wigs for their customers (which also helped to conceal STDs); and, last but not least, female penguins engage in a form of prostitution in which they have sex with single male penguins in exchange for material to build their nests. (ListVerse.com)

HEY! FREE TRIP TO TIBET

2009-07-09T08:28:00.001-07:00

Turkish television has created a new reality show in which members of various religious leaders will try to convert atheists to their belief systems. The show will pit a Greek Orthodox priest, a rabbi, an imam and a Buddhist monk against each other as they each lead a group of atheists on pilgrimages to Mecca, Tibet and Jerusalem. (CBC)

THIS MEDICINE LOOKS, SMELLS, AND TASTES LIKE SHIT... GOOD THING WE DIDN’T STEP IN IT

2009-07-08T10:47:00.000-07:00

It’s great to see that the ancient art of the snake oil salesman is alive and well. Entrepreneurs in India are cashing in on the latest hot item on the streets of New Delhi -- health cures made out of cow urine and dung. “You won’t believe how quickly some of the products sold out,” says Manoj Kumar, who sells a wide variety of cure-alls, including a “multi-utility pill” which claims to cure anything from diabetes to piles to “ladies’ diseases,” and a liquid medicine which claims to battle cancer, hysteria, and irregular periods. Along with the medicines made from cow dung and cow urine, a wide range of health products are also gaining popularity including cow dung toothpaste, detergents, a skin-whitening cream, baldness and obesity cures, soap and a cow urine antiseptic aftershave. And, from the “Gee, your hair smells atrocious” department, the inventor of the cow-dung detergent next hopes to create a cream which will help stop hair loss. (The Telegraph)

HOW TO PISS YOUR PANTS

2009-07-07T10:02:00.000-07:00

Vertigo junkies have a new attraction to visit: the Sears Tower in Chicago has built a glass-floored observation deck on the 110th floor -- 1,353 feet up in the air. The attraction, called The Ledge, claims to be the scariest view in the world with its transparent walls and ceilings and a glass floor only a half an inch thick. (Ananova)

THE COMPUTER ATE MY HOMEWORK

2009-07-06T10:11:00.003-07:00

Next semester will be a little bit easier now that you can go to Corrupted-Files.com and order a corrupt computer file which you can hand in to your professor the next time you partied too hard and need some extra time to finish your assignments. “Don’t hand in garbage paper,” advises the website, when you can hand in a perfectly corrupted homework assignment for just $5.95.

JUST THINK -- NO TAXES IN JAIL

2009-07-06T10:11:00.001-07:00

Or, if you’re done with school and running your own business but still want to cheat the system you can head over to FalseExpense.com where they will create a batch of fake receipts that you can deduct from your taxes. You send them a range of dates and the city you live in and they will create a full set of authentic-looking receipts for airfair, hotel, meals and anything you else you think you might be able to use during your tax audit.

WE’LL NEED EXTRA LARGE BARF BAGS

2009-07-03T10:03:00.001-07:00

New Mexico has begun work on the world’s first spaceport -- a massive $200 million project which will be home to space tourist flights offered by Virgin Galactic as well as space-related scientific research projects and other commercial interests to be carried out in space. Spaceport America, which boasts a 10,000 foot-long runway will be finished in about 18 months when Richard Branson and his family will take the world’s first family trip into orbit around the Earth, to be followed by a waiting list of 300 space tourists who have each put up $200,000 for six minutes of weightlessness during the two-hour flight. (BBC)

THE BANK FROM HELL

2009-07-02T08:25:00.001-07:00

Great news for Latvians who haven’t already sold their souls to the devil. Latvia’s Kontora bank is now giving out loans to people who have no credit history, no jobs and no collateral. All you need to do is sign a short agreement giving the bank the deed on your immortal soul. The bank is offering loans of up to $1,000 and charging one percent per day in interest. (MosNews.com)