Curling USA

Obscure Sports Quarterly Feature Article

2007-09-25T16:09:00.001-07:00

I have heard ~~from reliable sources~~ (I'm pretty sure this is just a rumor you're starting, Ed.) that there's going to be a feature article about our rise to curling glory and the subsequent heart-crushing fall from grace in an upcoming issue of Obscure Sports Quarterly. Give it a look. If the name isn't indication enough, they say it right on their home page. "This is different than the 5,384 sports blogs on the Internet. Somehow". I'm sure our story will somehow be different than the other 5,384 "sports teams that fell apart" stories too.

Stone Heads

2007-08-31T14:52:00.000-07:00

Something about people in the Northern US makes them like to put strange things on their heads when going to sporting events. First it was cheese heads for the Green Bay Packers. Now it's Stone Heads?! Get your own curling hat. Support your local group. I guess face painters will be next. A little CraZy, but maybe the spectator scene is picking up.

Owen Screws It Up for Everyone

2007-08-29T10:52:00.000-07:00

It looks like our movie opportunity has been dealt its final blow. Owen Wilson was one of the key "producers" (what they hell does a producer do anyway?) tied to the project, and with his latest "instability" the financial backers have pulled out of anything he was associated with.

I'm sure it's tough being rich, and famous, and living in a BIG house in the Hollywood hills, with lots of chicks, and dope, and weekly invites to the Playboy Mansion. It's probably difficult to accept your own good fortune, when kids in China can't afford a set of curling stones. But why screw it up for all of us? I know it had been a couple weeks since Kate Hudson called, and listening to the Black Crowes makes you think of her getting back with her ex. I know you needed a little public exposure so others could feel your pain. It's no laughing matter, but how could you be so self-centered? A lot of other people's dreams were counting on you. Couldn't you have just got caught in a bathroom with a male escort or something? Don't you think a suicide attempt was a little over the top? Arrogant Hollyweird bastard.

Curler Turned Model

2007-08-19T15:02:00.000-07:00

Now that's what I call a crossover. Hot Swiss curler Carmen Schäfer turns into scary fashion model. We can only hope that she's started snorting coke and dating a musician from Oasis, Hives, Vines, or one of those other forgettable British rock bands. Gotta be good for business. Check out the Carmen Schäfer story here. It's in Swiss, but who cares. You weren't really going to read the text anyway.

Grab My Peri-Peri

2007-08-11T09:38:00.000-07:00

A South African curling team ("a" as in the only South African curling team) called the Sub-Zero Sweepers are trying to make their own run at the Olympics. I smell another crappy Disney movie like Cool Runnings. Are these guys for real? Judge for yourself, but I think this has got to be one of those guerrilla marketing campaigns or something. I mean, this person doesn't even look like they have anything to grab. And what the hells is a Nando's or "peri-peri" chicken?!

Curling Podcast

2007-05-05T10:37:00.000-07:00

I just found out that this guy Dean Gemmell, has put together a regular podcast called The Curling Show. Somehow I don't see a lot of the hip kids down at the Apple store doing the Silhouetted shadow-people dance to the latest interview with curling legends of yesteryear.

Anyhow. Don't mean to sound down on it. Guy loves curling. Not a lot happening in New Jersey now that everyone knows that The Sopranos was just a TV show. More power to Dean for using technology to get the word out to the world. A legitimate, regular news source could be a good thing. Maybe Steve Jobs is a closet curler.

Tiny Balls

2007-04-10T19:56:00.000-07:00

Word in Hollyweird is that a new movie, about a table-tennis prodigy, called Balls of Fury is in the works. If this does well, it could help reignite interest in a whole genre of emerging sports films. I guess if you can consider something that's been an Olymic sports since 1924 "emerging". Better a comedy than another Brian's Song. Great movie, but there's no money in ~~sob stories~~ dramatic biographies. (He was a hero, Ed.)

Bikini Curling

2007-01-17T14:28:00.000-08:00

I think this advert lacks in execution, but they're headed in the right direction for breaking through to the mainstream. Keep it short. Try a little humor. Oh, and add girls with bikini's. It works for selling beer, and it won't hurt curling.

They shouldn't stop with TV ads either. These girls aren't half bad looking. Certainly a step above women's basketball. Get these girls to have their curling matches in bikini's. Cold ice. Hot Girls. Constant high beams. I know the Lingerie Bowl seemed like a fad, but it got a lot of eyeballs. When was the last time you heard "curling" mentioned on Leno?

Dreams Shattered

2006-06-07T21:32:00.000-07:00

Unbelievable. Looks like Brad broke his hip. It was caught on the training tape I've included above. Can't stand to watch it myself.

I fear our dreams of Olympic glory may be over. I guess it's selfish for me to think of that now. It's just hard to accept that our first real shot to bring an Olympic curling gold medal to US, and first Mens world championship gold since 1978, is over.

The doc says he could go with an artificial hip, but the restricted movement would never allow a return to form. I'm more worried about Brad's state of mind. When a competitor like him is told he can no longer perform at a world-class level, it's tough for them to accept. I've seen many brave men sink into deep depression over less.

Brad Goes Down

2006-06-06T18:42:00.000-07:00

No. No. He didn't come out of the closet. Jeez! Are all curlers adolescent homophobes? I wasn't speaking of you of course. It's the others.

Anyway. Brad went down hard on the ice tonight. Just one of those freak accidents that remind us it can happen to anyone. Even a legend like Brad. He popped right back up like a true champion, but we could tell he was hiding a lot of pain. Hopefully it's just a bruise. I know he took some shrapnel to the hip when he served in the Gulf War. Had to have a metal plate put in or some crap. The only reason I know is he likes to brag to the ladies that he had reinforcement put in his pelvis. Due to his "extreme sexual prowess". Whatever! I just hope he's alright. Seriously. The whole team anchors on him.

Watching Water Freeze

2006-06-05T10:48:00.000-07:00

Found a very nice infomercial on Curling by the International Olympic Committee. They've got to get with the times and give up that "Chess on Ice" tagline crap. Sounds as exciting as watching water freeze.

Doping, Drinking, Banging

2006-05-31T23:20:00.000-07:00

The World Anti-Doping Code has jumped on the anti-steriod bandwagon. There are several items on their Prohibited Substances list. Luckily for me, alcohol doesn't appear to be prohibited IN or OUT of competition. Guess it's ok to curl drunk. That's a relief, given that this video is pretty much how I remember (of those I do remember) most of Brad's "experimental training sessions" ending.

Maybe Bode Miller will want to come join us. I hear his ex was Claudia Toth from the Australian women's Olympic team curling team, and that bangin' silhouette you see on the cover of the Ana Arce "Fire on Ice" curling calendar. I think she has a sister! Just let him know we already got the prerequisite "bad boy" on the team and there's no room for two of us.

As Seen on TV

2006-05-30T10:45:00.000-07:00

Mike Thompson, of the World Curling Federation (WCF) , has noted that "curling is now appearing on TV today in a way it wasn't done in years gone by." A lot of it due to exposure on the satellite-television sports channel Eurosport.

Essentially what he meant was, curling being on TV period wasn't done in the past. That said, the TV rights to curling are no joke. While it may seem like a step below watching senior women's ~~blowing~~ bowling (I'm sure we meant bowling, Ed.), curling garnered significant television coverage during the 2002 Winter Olympic Games. As a result there are estimated to be 1.5 million people curling now.

WCF sounds a little like a nasty female wrestling organization doesn't it? Wrestling + C-word + Federation (WCF). Hmmm. I'll let you figure what "c-word" might work there.

Name Our Online Clubhouse

2006-05-29T17:06:00.000-07:00

We've been working on a name for our online clubhouse. Let us know what you think. Needs to be catchy, and look good on a t-shirt.

Out of the hack
Rockin the house
Ice vice
In the hack
From the hack
Throwing the rock
Hammer Time
Have broom will curl
Burly curlers
Brooms of steel
Rock knockers

Sex is Better Than Curling

2006-05-28T11:14:00.000-07:00

Here's an interesting follow-up to my recent post on Canada's obsession with Curling. Apparently, the government has expressed genuine concern over the low birth rates they've seen in the past few decades. With the population of Canada in a steep decline, they've put out these public service announcements to get people to consider more sex. Forget about diseases, birth control, or awkward social situations. Just get out there and fuck OK?! It's like you forgot how or something.

Canada Forever Linked to Curling. Why?

2006-05-26T22:40:00.000-07:00

Check out this training video for new recruits to the Canadian curling team. I know, they come across like a couple dorks that have been drinking Molsen since 7am. So you have to ask yourself, why is Canada so inextricably linked to curling? The answer is in the numbers, (courtesy the Philly Daily News).

Question: What is the No. 2 sport in Canada, after hockey?
Answer: curling.

Q: What percent of the world's curlers live there?
A: 94 percent.

Q: How many world titles has the country won?
A: 29.

Q: How many gold medals has it won?
A: One, in 1998.

Only one gold medal. I think they've won more in badminton! How can they have 94% of the world's curlers and only one gold? I think this training video makes it pretty clear.

PS-Where the hell does that word "badminton" come from anyway?

A Curling Song

2006-05-25T18:26:00.000-07:00

This guy Jonathan Coulton wrote a song about curling. Check it out. Send it to your friends. Play it on your speakers turned up to 11. Support an independent musician by sending tips, or at least a nice email.

Movie Bombshell

2006-05-24T19:07:00.000-07:00

Our publicist dug up a curling movie from 2002 called Men with Brooms. Doesn't look like anyone outside Ontario ever saw it. Hopefully no one in Hollyweird noticed how bad it flopped. Could hurt our chances of getting our flick out of tinseltown.

A-Listers Wanted

2006-05-19T10:49:00.000-07:00

The production team has started searching for an A-lister to play the lead in our curling movie. I know it sounds far fetched. Ben Affleck (perish the thought) doing a movie about curling?! They got Paul Newman to do Slapshot right? Guess our casting agent talked with Paul's agent, but he's busy making salad dressing these days.

Looks like Brad and I will get to serve as technical consultants for the film. Can't say I mind the thought of being on movie sets, hanging out in LA, with expenses paid. Isn't per diem Latin for "strip club money"? Publicist says we may even get to have a brief cameo in the movie, or at least play an extra. Keep an eye out for me! I'm the good looking one.

Beer and Calendar Girls

2006-05-18T03:21:00.000-07:00

Like any sport, we need funding to buy ~~beer~~ uniforms (we don't drink beer in training, Ed.) and to keep our training facilities running with state-of-the-art equipment. Curling isn't cheap! Do you know how much it costs to run an ice rink?! And curling stones aren't just some river rocks. They're made of a very special granite called Blue Hone, which is known for its toughness and resiliency. Blue Hone granite only comes from one location, Ailsa Craig, Scotland. Due to the rarity of the material, and the fact that the Craig is now a bird sanctuary, a set of 16 stones costs $12,000.

Also like most sports, we're male dominated and not above exploiting (attractive, Ed.) women to raise awareness and money. We're hawking the Ana Arce "Fire on Ice" calendar, which features some artsy photos of hot women curlers. Never to miss out on an opportunity to comment on, if they're not printing photos of, scantily clad women, Playboy has announced they love it. I know what we'll be seeing in ice rinks across the world from now until forever. Rowrrrrr!

Tuques Take Off

2006-05-17T23:18:00.000-07:00

Word has gotten around that a reunion tour of Bob & Doug McKenzie (of Take Off fame) with Geddy Lee of Rush, is in the works. While it's meant to be a tribute to great Canadian curlers, teams around the world have agreed to take part in celebration. A commemorative stocking cap, they're only called "tuques" in Canada, eh?, will be sold to contribute to the Curlers with Aging Needs (CAN) foundation. It helps the old geysers who made millions for their countries and sponsors, but never saw a dime themselves, at least pay for some medical care and decent place to live. Poor bastards with barely enough money to buy a 40 oz of Moosehead once a week.

Rock, Sheet, Broom

2006-05-16T22:12:00.000-07:00

You know you've really started to take off when classic kids games get adapted for your sport. The old Rock, Paper, Scissors has been updated. The rules, if it isn't already obvious: You and your combatant throw out your hands simultaneously in one of three gestures: now Rock (fist), Sheet (hand flat, palm down), or Broom (four fingers pointed down).

Rock beats Broom
Sheet covers Rock
Broom sweeps Sheet

Winner gets to smack the crap out of the loser!

Get on Your Knees

2006-05-12T18:09:00.000-07:00

No. I'm not talking about oral pleasures, or hero worship. Not that I discourage those things. I do seem to have started a knee-pad trend though. Not kneepads for that, you professional ass-kissers! You know who you are. I've started wearing this carbon fiber prototype to protect my hard worn extension leg from the countless hours of pounding the ice. At first I got a lot of strange looks. Now I see others toying with it. Better get that patent sewed up, and endorsement deal going. What the fuck is my manager doing?! I knew I never should have signed with the Maguire Agency.

Movie in The Works

2006-05-11T11:24:00.000-07:00

We've really started to see some momentum around the marketing and promotional activities. Our publicist has suggested to the oversight committee that we take it to the next level. They've formed a production company to start work on a Curling movie. Tie-ins have done wonderful things for the image of the US Military. Even that silly Dodgeball movie inspired amateur leagues to pop up all over the U.S. This could be good for us. Really good.

The Marketing Machine is in Motion

2006-05-10T21:03:00.000-07:00

Taking a trip down to Oakley HQ in Foothill Ranch, California as part of our promotional tour and effort to drum up sponsors. Word is they've got these glasses that enhance the view during ice-based sports activities. Lets you do a better job of reading the breaks. Some blocking wavelengths crap. I dunno. I just hope they look cool. Can't keep up the image if we're all looking like Corey Hart.

Hell. If Brad can keep his nose clean, he might be talking Wheaties box. Too bad those rumors persist of blood transfusions at the Swiss clinic and the night he turned blue in Canada.