Customer Underground blog

The Art of Shopping

christine — Tue, 06 Mar 2012 02:04:18 +0000

I must admit I’m still learning how to be a savvy shopper/consumer, but I’ve recently discovered some tips that I must follow to make shopping an easier and more enjoyable (though chore-like) experience.

Shop around

Once upon a time, it was such a relief to find the item I was looking for. But I have learned to shop around and do my research first to find the best bargain, value-for-money, quality, or the best of the best!

There have been times when I did not research thorough. Shortly after purchase found that I had been robbed several dollars (which equals a lot of money for a university student) or found the item to be of poor quality. Taking those few extra minutes to compare products and prices, asking for advice, and looking up customer reviews and experiences have all proven to be invaluable – it’s allowed me to rest assured that I have got my bang for buck.

Opportunity shopping

I like discovering quirky things, and so I find inspiration by going opportunity shopping. Some don’t like the thought of recycled items, but in some charity retail stores there’s some space allocated to new items. I visit sometimes without looking for anything in particular because I find it an enjoyable experience to look at preloved items. It also creates a community feel to shopping, if you happen to go to op shops in local churches, car parks or scout halls.

Most of the people facilitating these op shops or charity stores are friendly volunteers who are happy to help and have a chat. There’s books, clothing, furniture, crockery, jewellery, music; each item tell’s a story about the previous owner. Since most of the items are without packaging and are likely be previously used or owned, it’s important to check the condition carefully. If they are bought purely to serve a decorative (rather than functional) purpose then it may not require much of a test-run.

Markets

Markets are great because the price can be negotiated and you can find things that are not likely to be available in shopping malls or centres. Organic food and farmer’s markets are a fantastic way of starting off a weekend or morning and produce can be selected (as opposed to finding pre-packaged food in supermarkets).

There are some overlapping benefits between op shopping and markets, but I find that there’s greater consumer choice if markets are added to your usual shopping venues. For example, there’s handmade jewellery, artworks and specialty foods. The only thing is that for organic food, check that the supplier/farmer is a certified organic producer as these days many people put the organic label on foods.

A birthday present for my sister

What to get for my sister when she has everything? Last time I got her music speakers which she found useful, but this year I’m out of ideas. When I venture into her room, I realise she has practically everything. I’ve heard some shoppers who set out to shop without any criteria or ideas in mind end up buying a present that suits them rather than the intended recipient!

I started off trying to write a list of ideas of what she actually doesn’t have but that reduced it to one item I thought would suit her- a book about the GFC! A pretty fruitless effort as I did remember that books are pretty boring presents which are (if read at all) read once and then put aside never to be revisited.

When I asked my sister what she wanted, she said an Alfa Romeo or Audi, a cruiser and a house. After much thinking, I wrote a list of criteria or factors (some may not be applicable) that needed to be considered to guide me in finding a present that will be of as much utility and usefulness as the music speakers:

Price/budget
Suitability of style
Portability
Ease of use
Will it be used over and over again? Like a song that can be replayed over and over again without much agitation?

You may ask what I bought for her in the end? That will remain a mystery, but it was not the Alfa Romeo, Audi, cruiser or house - she must earn her way towards those goals herself. One clue I will give is that I made sure I selected something that will hopefully steer her away (even if temporarily) from the materialistic side of things; and I think she loved it!

You might find that you already know the tips I’ve mentioned, or that they may sound obvious, or you may have more tips to share. If so please comment so we can make shopping less of a hassle!

Peats Ridge 2011 Wrap Up!

Customer Underground — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 01:44:47 +0000

Here's our belated report from the Peats Ridge 2011 Sustainable Arts and Music Festival!

To put it simply, Team Underground had a blast, in helping cover the three day event with BoomVox. On the last night, we saw the NYE Masquarade, which unleashed the collective imaginations of festival goers, to an alarmingly creative degree. We were flooded of photos and comments, which are all on up on the Peats Ridge Facebook.

Here are some of our favourites, with comments:

The Crayola family, harbouring a highly sought fugitive.

These guys know how to trashtalk each other.

Hipster Santa explains that "Christmas, is just soooo mainstream"

"Pink Syrup" the winner of the BoomVox prize that was awarded on the night! We feel only real men wear pink.

Is this somebody you used to know? Cause they won the BoomVox Social Media Best Dressed Prize, with 319 Likes!

Check out the full photo album here.

Did you go to the festival? Why not write a review, or comment below?

Team Underground

Dear Qantas..

Customer Underground — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 00:48:39 +0000

In response to what our Mavens have said about Qantas, we've written them a letter.

Dear Qantas,

We're the Customer Underground and we listen to what people say about businesses. Lately, they've said a lot about you.

We've heard stories of endless frustration, mindless incompetence, and eternal damnation. One of your frequent fliers had their flight reservation disappear before their eyes right before boarding, despite booking it online. He was rewarded with the only seat on the plane with no window.

Still, some people reckon you're ok, as long as you keep your safety as #1, or play the price game. But others reckon our that Kiwi cousins are even beating us - in legroom and customer service that can take it easy. The average man on the street isn't terribly impressed with your little dispute of last year either. And let's not even talk about what #qantasluxury is..

So really, what we're asking is, are you a solid, true blue Aussie airline, or have you become the Ford Falcon of Air Travel?

All you have to do is return to your old standards.

Sincerely,

The Underground

______________

We'll be tweeting and emailing this letter to Qantas and we'll keep you posted on what happens next.

If you have more to say about Qantas, then vent them with a review, or comment below!

What Have We Become?

NatBat — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 01:19:59 +0000

In the midst of heavy duty shopping season, Maven NatBat reflects on our consumer culture:

You often hear the term ‘consumer culture’ mixed with cynicism about the effects it is having on our society. But these comments seem to have little impact on our reaction to the endless cycle of the ‘next best thing’ to hit the shelves. So why is this the case?

I have come to think that this culture has become so engrained in our society that it is hard to imagine life any other way. Our lives seem to be constructed around these material luxury goods that it even feels odd to question their existence. If web pages don’t load fast enough, we get annoyed, and yet we will queue for hours on end at the launch of a new product.

This double standard is the result of clever marketing and advertising that fuse intangible values to their products, which promise to solve life’s problems. And as juvenile as it sounds, their techniques make products look ‘cool’ – that’s what we are all striving for right? They can define what is ‘in’ and pry on individual insecurities of acceptance by making you feel left out if you don’t have the latest trend. Exhibit A: “if you don’t have an iPhone, well you don’t have an iPhone.”

In our quest to define our personal image we are influenced by a bombardment of media that present us with the newest phenomenon. In order to be seen as a socially worthy participant we are thrust into an unstable kingdom battling for the throne. And while one product may hold the crown as the ‘latest and greatest’ – there is always a usurper waiting for the opportune time to cause an uprising and claim the throne. That is why when you see something you like, you better grab it because the next day it is gone!

I feel we end up in a cycle of short-lived gratification. It makes us constantly searching for new things to fill a void of un-fulfilment. And what is even worse, is that in our search we appear to be drowning in ‘choices’, but really this is just an illusion. We are presented with so many things, under different brands but with hardly any difference between them. The constant turnover of merchandise is the same as before, but with a shiny new facelift.

I get frustrated at the rate of acceptance from mass culture to adopt these trends. Even if it is the most ridiculous look going around, you still see people using that trend in an attempt to set themselves apart. I guess ‘one man’s trash is another man’s treasure’. However, this doesn’t mean that we have to passively accept these trends and customs in society. I feel that it is important to take a step back and look at the degradation of values we have suffered. Only by doing so will you realise the depth that the roots of consumer culture have gown and entwined with society – so much so that they have become hard to tell apart.

So what are you thoughts about our current culture of consumption? Comments welcome below.

Happy (sustainable) New Year!

Customer Underground — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 05:15:29 +0000

With 2012 just around the corner, we all commence the age-old ritual of drawing up (and then forgetting) our New Year resolutions.

So, as we’re celebrating New Year in the Peats Ridge sustainable arts and music festival, we’d like to ask YOU, what your 2012 sustainability New Year Resolution is. Will you:

Remember to bring your own bag for shopping?
Use newspaper for gift-wrapping?
Recycle more ALDI brochures?
Recycle past New Year resolutions?
Reduce global warming by reducing personal flatulence?

Of course, these are only a small selection of the many sustainable resolutions out there. To get as many great sustainable resolutions, we’ve set up the @sustainres2012 Twitter account to find everything to do with the #sustainable2012 tag.

So get tweeting @sustainres2012 with #sustainable2012 or write your resolution in the comments below.

Let's see if we can start a sustainable revolution!

Team Underground

Bright days of Summer!

NatBat — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 04:08:23 +0000

Maven NatBat brings on the colour with her piece about summer flair!

I always love the atmosphere that is brought about by the anticipation of summer. It is a time of year where people want to relax, have a good time and soak up the sun – especially after all the cold weather. This year I really feel this energy has been captured in fashion’s wonderful colour palette.

A spectrum of exciting colours have been splashed on a canvas of fabric in a rainbow of candy pink, sky blue, daisy yellow, sun orange and apple green. The arrays of shades embody the feelings of summer and reflect fun and excitement. From flowing frocks to edgy tops we are witnessing a departure from the mundane colours of winter and are whisked away by vibrant tones that celebrate happiness.

When you look at the mix of fabrics and patterns, you can sense a liveliness that jumps out at you. Some may feel this is an exaggeration but the moment I walked into Bardot the other day, I couldn’t help but smile at the assortment of colours and styles that made such a clear connection to euphoria of the summer season. I think these colours should be embraced more often, as they can express many feelings and emotions as well as mirroring an overall appreciation of the good things in life.

So take a walk on the wild side, add a dash more colour to brighten up your day and have a fantastic summer!

TEN, nine, eight, seven… BoomVox is spending NYE @ Peats Ridge!

Customer Underground — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 02:37:42 +0000

Got plans for NYE?

We sure do. Cause we've got our lips into the most excellent party this side of 2011 at the Peats Ridge 2011 Sustainable Arts & Music Festival!

With more musical acts lined up than a high school talent show (Gotye included), we'll be tapping into the voice of the masses at this eclectic, grooving and most sustainable festival, through BoomVox, our realtime feedback app.

Through four days, we'll be camping inside the absolutely gorgeous Glenworth Valley, and we'll be running around taking BoomVoxPops from festival goers on the themes of music, arts, family and sustainability.

We'd love to hear from any Peats Ridge alumni about their experiences - especially if you feel inclined to throw in a review for us.

And if this sounds like your scene, why don't you join us there?

So write us a review , and we'll keep you posted via our Twitter feed, and Facebook page as we BoomVox our way to a rockin' 2012.

Team Underground

Sorry QANTAS, I think I'm out...

higherthanexpectedcallvolumes — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 05:00:25 +0000

My best friend as a kid (still my best friend, in fact) was raised, in part, by his gay dad and stepdad. Sure enough, stepdad was a Qantas steward of many years’ standing. And of all the tales with which he’d regale us of his work exploits, what’s stuck with me the most was his scathing description of Qantas business culture – from top to bottom, he’d say, self-absorbed, superior, and with an almost genocidally hostile view of its customers as a class of beings.

Not for one second do I think my own recent experiences with Qantas could begin to compare with what customers went through who were caught out by Qantas’ recent snap decision to ground its entire international fleet -- people the airline seemed to regard as expendable cannon fodder in a wildly hostile assault on several Australian unions, in each case for the unions’ crime of expecting the airline actually to negotiate with them in good faith.

Still, my own recent experiences with Qantas were an eye-opener – into the sheer unhappiness of its workforce, the airline’s delusion that it provides meaningful customer service when it really counts, and, above all, an apparently total lack of appreciation of just how far its stocks as a brand have fallen, compared with other airlines now aggressively competing for the same business.

My story starts with a short business trip to Auckland. A colleague in my office booked me the cheapest of the convenient flights available – tellingly, for the first time in memory, it was with Qantas. A condition of the fare was that it could not be used to apply for an upgrade to business class (I had quite a lot of laptop work to do en route).

And yet, some days before the flight, I received an email, informing me, because of my status (I have quite a lot of frequent flyer points) that I could seek an upgrade on that flight after all. I applied for one, maybe, 60 seconds after receiving the email. I also selected an economy seat. All ready for the flight, whatever happened. We’ll return to that story in a moment.

Meanwhile, my company had been contacted by Virgin Australia. They’d noted our recent (unsuccessful) efforts to get our Qantas flyer status matched on Virgin (Virgin had a status-matching offer on which we’d just missed out by a couple of days). They also noticed that we’d been flying Virgin a lot recently. Even though one of my colleagues and I had only entry level status on Virgin, they offered us each a Gold status (and with it, free Virgin lounge memberships each, with reciprocal rights at some 150 other international airline lounges, provided we agreed to fly a certain amount with them over the next 12 months).

Back to Qantas. Come the day of the flight to Auckland, I learned my upgrade had been unsuccessful. Surprising, given my fairly high status, the fact I was invited to seek the upgrade, and had done so with speed. But so be it.

But at the airport it got weird, and then nasty. Everything about the young woman working the Qantas Club / Business check-in at Sydney Airport screamed ‘past it’. Not only was there no upgrade (and absolutely nothing she was prepared to do about it), I had an economy seat…in the middle…way up the back. Qantas had no record of my having reserved a seat. Next, I was aggressively told I ‘didn’t have any proof’ of having reserved that seat. I didn’t need to, I calmly pointed out: that was the whole point of using their site to reserve a seat, wasn’t it? They were meant to have a record of it, not me. Blank stare, hostile sigh. I was moved, by that point, to ask if it was ‘be mean to people who fly with Qantas a lot’ staff day?

Over at the sales desk, it was slightly better – they hadn’t been able to put me in a decent seat because they had no record in my booking that I was even a frequent flyer. The woman at check-in hadn’t even bothered to notice. Next, though, came a beautiful piece of ‘Official Qantas Customer Service’ – evidently, all this was my fault – for having had my ticket booked through external ticketing site webjet. But shouldn’t Qantas ensure its site and external sites selling its tickets be able to ‘talk’ to each other? Otherwise, why bother to offer seats through external sites at all, I asked? Blank stare. I was, though, moved up to a window seat closer to the front of the plane.

Now came the final insult – boarding the plane, I discovered the window seat up the front was no window seat at all – because it was literally the one seat on the plane with absolutely no window. And so, crammed into a packed plane, I stared at a blank wall for 3 and a half hours to Auckland.

I don’t know if that last move was deliberate. I’m hoping not. But at minimum, it was more rank incompetence / lack of care for its customer.

Eventually back in Sydney, I called Qantas about all of this, and was put through to the customer care line (remember that, for what follows). In view of all of this, could they offer me an assured upgrade at any future time? Better yet, since Virgin had been prepared to boost me to Gold membership, and given also that I wasn’t far off that status level with Qantas could the airline match my status now to Gold too? The answer was a resounding ‘no’ to both. ‘We don’t do that’, was the frank reply, and even better ‘you’ll have to earn it’ (the question ‘what has Qantas ever done to earn my loyalty?’ obviously ringing in my mind). More frustratingly was that, in order to make these requests, the person on the phone had to relay each of my requests to a superior officer – and I could hear the conversation going on in the background of my call, including the myriad ways the person on the phone with me was getting my information wrong. She had her superior on the phone already; wouldn’t it just have been faster to put me on the line with the superior? ‘We don’t do that’, was once again the reply. Finally, the person on the line got stroppy with me – she’d “gone above and beyond” in trying to help me (never mind, as I pointed out, she hadn’t actually done anything).

But that last response was the most telling of all – this is how Qantas thinks of its customers: in terms only, apparently, of how they affect the feelings of Qantas staff themselves. Just as my best mate’s stepdad the Qantas steward warned me all those years ago. Just as Qantas’ wilful disregard for its customers during the recent international grounding indicates. Just as the utterly moronic, tone-deaf ‘#Qantasluxury’ Twitter debacle of recent weeks so painfully re-proved.

On the evidence of my own recent experience, top to bottom, Qantas has no real interest in taking flexible steps to demonstrate that they value our business (something they could have done so easily at any stage of what I’ve reported); they genuinely think they’ve ‘helped’ because they’ve taken our calls; they aren’t interested in solutions that will make customers think they’ve been listened to. In short, they’re not interested.

When other local airlines like Virgin, who seem to have, in my experience, a demonstrated interest in customer care and making us feel valued, are aggressively chasing Qantas’ regular customers (like me) and promoting themselves as the alternative business travel option domestically; with so many quality international airlines offering affordable airfares in Australia; and with Qantas’ brand so fantastically on the nose following all those recent PR debacles – to be honest, I really don’t see how, longer term, the business will survive. And worst of all, finally, at long last, I really don’t care. I’m taking my business somewhere where it’s valued. Sorry Qantas, I think I’m out.

What’s your experience with Qantas been? Better or worse since the recent grounding / #Qantasluxury disasters? Tell us with your own story, or by posting a comment under this story. We’d love to hear from you!

The Best Hangover Cure: Sydney Southern Surf Breaks

Customer Underground — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 00:32:30 +0000

The silly season and hang over’s go together like Labradors and water (or Lindsay Lohan and rehab). But any seasoned surfer will tell you nothing beats a hangover like a dip in old salty. That’s why we’ve hit up one of our favourite Sydney surfer Rob for his picks and places for the all important hang over cure and in true Customer Underground style, those perfect places to find inspiration for scarpering down a post surf seafood feed!

Italian Sandshoes
Made for the surfer who is after a hangover cure, Oak Park or 'sandshoes' is a nice swell. It’s in the far south of Cronulla near Bass and Flinders Point and easily the best wave in Cronulla. Known for easy take off, long rides and waves which hollow out nicely, ‘sandshoes’ provides awesome waves provided the locals will let you on that is! After a hard day’s surfing, there is also nothing better than visiting the many beachside restaurants of Cronulla with a bottle of your best BYO. Little Italy sounds like just the ticket!

Balinese Breaks
A pub which most people would want to be buried in for the sensational view of the Pacific Ocean and surrounding cliffs from its Balinese inspired beer garden, the Scarborough Hotel marks the spot for a local surfing love. Just on the other side of the New Ocean Road, the beach is 5-10 minutes on foot down a near vertical goat track. If you don’t mind lantana (we mean lots of lantana) and are cool with heights, it’s well worth it. Getting back up is a great work out on the legs and something to keep in mind when surfing so some energy for the trip back is spared, but the post surf view, fisherman’s basket and a couple of glasses of good stuff at the end are well worth the effort.

Go the ‘Gong

The border between southern Sydney and northern Wollongong are well represented in the shape of the Headlands Reef at Austinmer and Sandon Point at Thirroul. The Headlands Reef is just a walk down from the Headlands Pub car park and into slightly sketchy yet fast, no nonsense waves. Sandon Point in contrast is quietly whispered about as a world class wave area comparable to Shark Island and the Superbank. As a point break, it has a left and right and sometimes impossibly long, paddling rich waves. Both are rewarding and are favourite spots for those who love getting their toe in the water and nailing a wave. Many mavens agree returning to Sydney, it’s worth taking the extra 15 minute detour to the famed Zippo’s and soak in the view and have a quiet vino with the fish of the day as you talk about your surfing adventure.

Expert Alert

In Sydney’s south is the famed Voodoo. This is a place for the pro and kamikaze surfers only (no kids and no novices please!), but well worth the heavy beating you can be served for those really good at and keen on their surfing. The breaks are inconsistent, but when they are on form, you can expect 3ft to 10ft breaks to thrill and challenge. Serious territory for those who know their surfing techniques and certainly not for the novice, Voodoo cracks out the sweat of even the fittest water lover and is known for sharks and urchins. The rewards are fantastic. After surfing Voodoo, even toast tastes like heaven... so make sure you reward your bravery with a little slice of Doll’s Point paradise in the form of cafe Kiss the Barista.

We hope you enjoyed our mini tour of the secret surfing spots of Sydney and surrounds, especially when feeling the post party headache set in! Remember, always make sure the surfing occurs before the wine drinking for your safety and the safety of others. Feel free to share your favourite picks up North!

The Great Aussie Market Tour

faeriebek — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 00:20:06 +0000

Looking to visit the capital cities this holiday season or simply trying to figure out the places to go for interesting gifts for Christmas? Check out maven faeriebek’s Great Aussie Market Tour!

The Queen Victoria Market, Melbourne:

One of the oldest markets in Australia, the Queen Victoria Market has been around for about 130 years. Made up of retail shops as well as market stalls, the markets here are brimming with everything from European style deli offerings through to certified organic dairy and bread products. The Queen Victoria Market is a gourmet paradise, featuring all everything from organic rabbit to gourmet cooking utensils and is a great day out with the foodie you love.

The Sydney Fish Markets, Pyrmont:

An institution in Sydney and the place to go for the best catch of the day, the Sydney Fish Markets see locals waking at the crack of dawn in order to get the best of Christmas, Easter or barbecue season specials. The fish markets not only offer the best seafood all year round with extended trading hours during peak seasons, they offer sensational cooking classes, tours and even a seafood lover’s dream in their October Seafood Festival.

The Central Market, Adelaide:

Seen as the locals as literally at the heart of and being the heart of Adelaide’s fresh produce trade since 1869, the Central Market features over 80 stalls of all kinds and is arguably the most visited tourist attraction in Adelaide. With cooking lessons, foodie buying tours, celebrity chefs offering tips and recipes and such a warm and friendly bunch of Adelaide locals working and trawling the stalls, The Central Market is the perfect place to shop for Christmas table supplies or thoughtful foodie gifts.

The Jan Powers Markets, Brisbane:

More grass roots than its other the Jan Powers markets feature not only farmers produce but local organic foodstuffs, many and varied styles of food accompaniments and some arts and crafts with the basic premise simply to gain local participation. Held in Manly, Mitchelton and New Farm on rotational basis and every Wednesday in the city’s Queen Street Mall, the markets were devised to support local produce and make it available to the locals on a regular basis and therefore is a pretty “in the know” experience featuring cooking classes, sausage sizzles, tastings, entertainment and that old Queensland down to earth charm. Make sure you shop for the season’s tropical fruit here!

The City Farm, Perth:

Run out of a converted scrap metal yard and battery recycling plant, the Planetary Network or PAN who run the site use it as a flagship of what can happen when you transform industrial sites for public use and how community’s can benefit. The site not only boasts the markets but also its very own organic garden! The City Farm markets operate 8am to midday every Saturday, with special events such as concerts, school educational tours, festivals and exhibitions also taking place at the site. When you shop at City Farm, you are also supporting community and government employment initiatives, so you can go away feeling greener and community spirited about your tasty produce than ever before. Nice eh?

The Salamanca Markets, Tasmania:

A mix of arts and crafts as well as fresh produce transforms Hobart’s nightlife area into a market place every Saturday. Featuring mouth watering Tasmanian salmon, creamy cheese sold direct from the cheese makers of Tasmania and the famous crisp red apples of the aisles fame, these simple but genuine markets offer much to chef and tourist alike. As an added bonus, the Salamanca Markets have a decidedly Vietnamese influence amongst their green grocers, so if you have been searching for the perfect ingredients for an Asian inspired salad the markets won’t disappoint. There are also several cafes in the area that are happy to have BYO if after a hard day of browsing, you feel like leaving the cooking to someone else.

I absolutely adore browsing markets for foodie delights, pottery bowls for dinner parties that don’t happen and cutesy kitchen paraphernalia, so feel free to share your favourite market journeys below.

Ways to avoid the Christmas shopping crowd!

colin — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 07:41:52 +0000

''Hohoho Tis the season to be jolly and merry!' as Santa would say. Though easy for Arctic dwelling folk to proclaim, (particularly that 'someone' who just happens to have an army of helping elves and reindeers), we mere peasants often subject ourselves to car park battles, tests of endurance waiting in queues or scavenger hunts to find that elusive Cabbage Patch doll.

Fear not fellow reader, for here are some tips and points of motivation to help minimise your stress levels!. Perhaps you'll have some tips of your own to share!

1. Stop reading now and get your Christmas shopping done now! As much as we all love to procrastinate, one of my favourite quotes adapted from Mr. Jim Rohn is that 'discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons'! So don't be the one who will regret wasting time in the checkout queue or scrambling for that special gift that is seemingly sold out at every single store!

2. Check the Christmas opening hours and shop early in the morning… or really really early in the morning if said shop is open 24 hours. The early waking hours will be well worth the stress-free afternoons and evenings when everyone is clamouring for service. Get organised!

3. Plan your Christmas feast in advance so you know exactly what ingredients you can buy in advance and have a smaller, organised list for those unfortunate items which need to be purchased closer to the day. Delicious lobsters, prawns and oysters must wait but nothing is stopping you from getting those notoriously hard to find ingredients like confectioner's sugar

4. If you do happen to leave things late, grab that parking spot on the street and go for a quick stroll to the shops. Chances are you'll waste more time circling the parking lot than going for a lovely refreshing walk in the beautiful summer weather. Saving a few trees and skipping the cars camping for car spaces won't hurt either.

5. Shop online. Though be quick! Shipping time can start to blow up as the holiday season kicks in. This individual is particularly fond of the timeless nature of books, and highly recommends a gander at macca's fantastic online book shopping tips. Highly recommended are the Book Depository and Amazon, who haven't let me down yet!

6. Last but not least, getting things done early will give you the chance to bring out that Schadenfreude that I know you have inside of you. Laugh manically at your friends' and family's laments as they moan on Facebook and Twitter. Crack open a bottle of Ribena and pat yourself on the back for a productive and proactive way to avoiding the last minute Christmas rush!

Any more tips to share? Feel free to let loose in the comments below!

We're too cool for cool!

Customer Underground — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 23:08:10 +0000

Break out the champagne - we've been declared as one of Australia’s ‘Coolest’ businesses in The Sixth Annual Cool Company Awards. What does that mean? Well, we're among the Top 50 of cool, out of 700 other companies, all trying to do things differently. We knew we were cool, but not that cool.

We were recognized as revolutionizing customer feedback, with both the Customer Underground website, and the BoomVox app.

“The Cool Company Awards are extremely egalitarian,” says James Tuckerman, Editor-In-Chief, Anthill Magazine (the magazine that runs this competition). “Previous winners have included two-person start-ups, not-for-profit social enterprises, large private companies and publicly-listed corporations. Judging takes into account far more than mere business variables, such as revenue and wealth. The criteria are geared to consider other qualities, from the disruptive nature of the product or service to the culture of the organisation.”

In other words; we're cool.

Go Team Underground!

Customer Underground at Redwater Markets

Customer Underground — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 20:51:06 +0000

We’ll be at the Redwater Markets in Redfern this Saturday 19^th of November from 8am, and we’d love to for you to stop by – it’s a great market and should be a fun day.

We will be having a chat about all things Customer Underground related-

- you can try out BoomVox on our iPad with some cute community questions about Redfern,

- strike up a conversation on all things customer and consumer related,

- we will have lollies and stickers for little and big kids alike,

- check out the new season fashion with the BoomVox cap (mention this blog & we’ll give you one!) and

- you can enter the draw to win a dinner for two at a local restaurant.

For those of you who haven’t been to the Redwater Markets before, they are a community based monthly market held in the lovely Redfern Park and feature everything from local arts and crafts to local businesses, community bodies and all kinds of interesting and tasty things. Family friendly, it’s a great excuse to explore the new cafes and shops in the Redfern area with the family whilst showing support for the Redfern community.

So pop by and say hi- we’ll even have a refreshing pitcher of water to keep you cool!

We hope to see you there,

Team Customer Underground

Jetstar.com.au – Australian aviation’s scammiest booking system

higherthanexpectedcallvolumes — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 06:02:01 +0000

In all the coverage of scammy refund practices engaged in by Tiger Airways, little media attention seems to have been paid to questionable business practices by other local airlines.

I also have to admit, even as a co-founder of this site, to having been a little naïve as a consumer. It simply never occurred to me that I’d encounter overtly scammy business practices on a Qantas-related site.

So I was shocked at an experience I’ve encountered in recent days, one I can summarise simply this way:

Qantas’ low-budget offshoot Jetstar has, by far, the most transparently scammy booking site I have ever had the misfortune to encounter.

It can be beaten, but it takes time and patience, and the roadblocks Jetstar places in the path of customers seeking to avoid being screwed are as shamelessly transparent as they are disgraceful.

Let’s start with the ‘booking fee’.

Like many other local airlines booking sites, Jetstar’s imposes such a fee for paying by credit card.

The difference between Jetstar and other local airlines is the price: $30, on return domestic tickets that average, say, $200 (and often much less). In other words, a whopping average 15% add-on to the ticket purchase price (Virgin Australia’s booking fee is close, at $25).

The price itself is outrageous.

To compare: Qantas’ credit card booking fee, for domestic flights, is $7.70. Its card fee for international tickets is $30. Unlike Jetstar, though, the ticket Qantas is providing for a price including that card fee includes baggage, meals and the availability of frequent flyer points and status credits (points and status credits being something that, as we’ll see, you need to pay extra to accrue on Jetstar).

And, of course, Qantas’ $7.70 charge on a domestic ticket (costing, let’s say, on average $300 return) is an add-on of about 2.5%; on an international Qantas ticket (costing, let’s say, on average $2000) is even less: about 1.5%.

So how does Jetstar’s ‘booking and credit card fee’ end up costing you $30? Could the cost of administering a booking paid by credit card possibly equal $30? (Keeping in mind there’s no charge for certain bookings not made by credit card, meaning it must, logically, be the credit card administration which somehow sends the booking fee up to $30).

We don’t know the answer to those questions, because Jetstar doesn’t say how the $30 fee is arrived at.

Indeed, unless you go out of your way to look for Jetstar’s information page on fees and charges, you only find out right at the end of your rather lengthy booking process that such a charge even exists (and who, when booking a seat on an airline website, first trawls the site for a separate page on hidden charges?)

Surely, there’s a case for Jetstar, as a condition of its license to operate in Australia, being required on its website to be clearer about why such enormous booking charges are levied and how they’re arrived at?

And yet that outrageous booking fee is the least of the problems on Jetstar’s site.

Now let’s try and avoid paying it…

Like the Qantas and Virgin Australia sites, on Jetstar the option is given to pay for your ticket by internet banking, to avoid the ‘credit card / booking fee’.

On Qantas’ site, the option is straightforward: you pay by BPAY.

On Jetstar, on the other hand, two direct payment options are presented: a system of internet banking known as ‘POLI’, or, alternatively, direct deposit. (What the practical difference between those two options is, and why both are offered, is, again, not explained on Jetstar’s site).

But here’s the kicker – it turns out it’s almost impossible to pay using POLI if you’re using a MAC computer product.

What? The POLI system isn’t compatible with the operating system of the world’s single largest seller of personal computers?

Well, not quite, it turns out. For some reason, POLI software is designed to be compatible only with Microsoft software. It’s possible to download to your MAC, a software patch that makes it possible to use POLI on a MAC.

But does the Jetstar site tell you that? Of course it doesn’t.

(In contrast, it turns out, the Virgin Australia site does disclose quite clearly that it’s possible to make the POLI internet banking system functional on a MAC).

Why, though, would a major airline like Jetstar offer as the principal means of internet banking payment (which incurs no booking fees, remember), a system like POLI that isn’t compatible with MAC users’ computers? And then not even disclose the possibility of making your MAC compatible with POLI?

Could it be a naked attempt to force consumers to give up, pay by credit card, and fork out the other $30 in mysterious, undisclosed fees and charges? I’m guessing the answer is a pretty clear yes.

Hang on, though. Doesn’t Jetstar’s site offer that back-up internet banking payment option of ‘direct deposit’ that, once again, enables you to avoid paying the $30 credit card fee?

Not so fast.

Because in another delightful screwjob by Jetstar, once you try to pay using POLI on a MAC, and are told by the system that you can’t, the direct deposit payment option also disappears.

Why? Again, no explanation is given. The reason, though, seems clear – to make it all but inevitable that you’ll fork out that $30 booking fee.

But you’re not beaten yet, right? There’s always the option of trying to pay for your ticket on a PC.

My wife happened to have one at home.

Of course, doing that means losing your initial booking, and running the risk of not being able to find a flight. But it’s gotta be worth it to avoid getting screwed, I reasoned.

So, now we’re using a PC. The seat on the flight is available. Time to pay, by POLI, so as to avoid that $30 booking fee.

But wait, now a new catch – Jetstar also doesn’t let you pay by internet banking using the POLI system if you’ve come to the site via use of the Safari web browser?

Why? No explanation. Were you forewarned? Of course you weren’t. Another even more shamelessly naked attempt to make you give up, pay by card and fork over another $30? Absolutely.

Once you crap out in trying to pay via POLI on a PC, Jetstar’s site does, finally, disclose which web browsers you can use to book and pay via POLI on a PC – and they include the now hugely popular Google Chrome (web browser of, let’s remember, the most popular search site in the world).

But is it possible there could be one more catch?

Is it possible, for instance, that just using regular old Google Chrome isn’t enough to successfully book and pay on Jetstar via the POLI system?

Turns out, the answer is yes – apparently, I was delighted to learn, you need a ‘Google Chrome extension’ software download, to be able to book on Jetstar and pay via POLI, using Google Chrome on a PC.

But does the Jetstar site disclose the need for that ‘extension’ software before you try to book and pay? By now, I think, you know the answer.

Finally, using that software extension, for use with the second web browser I had tried that night, on the second computer I had tried using that night (having switched from MAC to PC, remember), I was at last able to book and pay for tickets on Jetstar, without having to pay a wholly unjustified $30 ‘credit card booking fee’.

It had taken me over two hours. And, to be honest, had it not been for my desire to be a guinea pig for this site and its users, I would have given up, and probably paid my $30 mystery credit card booking fee like everyone else.

I think that was the point of Jetstar’s system.

Jetstar’s local site is, I think, on the evidence I’ve reported, a shameless, shocking scam-a-thon – a naked effort so to enrage and frustrate consumers that they feel no choice but to cave and pay unexplained, and outrageously high extra fees.

The Australian Competition and Consumer Commission (ACCC), NSW Department of Fair Trading, and our colleagues at CHOICE should be looking into whetherJetstar’s site is fair, to say nothing of whether it’s legal.

Customer Underground will be doing its part to ensure that happens.

There are plenty of other annoyances on Jetstar’s site. It’s another $17 above the base fare price to qualify to claim frequent flyer points and status credits for your flight. And if you’re booking for more than one person, everyone on the booking must pay the $17 extra charge, and qualify for points and status credits, otherwise no-one on the booking qualifies – (I’m pretty sure that’s grossly illegal under the Trade Practices Act 1974 (Cth) but nevermind).

Long story short, if you have to book with Jetstar, remember these simple rules:

Do it on a PC.
Do it using a web browser other than Safari.
If you’re using Google Chrome, get set to have to start over after having first downloaded the ‘extension’ software patch (unless you’re clever enough to find it online before you hit the Jetstar site.
Set aside at least 30 mins.

Or, you could always take the easiest option of all, and bypass Jetstar altogether.

Have you encountered similar screwjobs with other local airline booking sites?

Have you encountered other problems using the Jetstar site?

Let us know by commenting on this story, or supplying your own review or story.

We look forward to hearing from you, and, together, trying to put a stop to this.

For visitors to Sydney (and those of us who like to Staycation)

BMZ — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 22:46:46 +0000

The Underground has done detective work on anything and everything worth doing in Sydney. This list comes with full credit to my seat mate on a flight from LAX where he pulled out a wonderful 3 page document that was written by a friend of a friend who lived in Sydney. It was so palpable, so real, I had to have it.

And…given that the Underground has a mobile app… you can rate all of these venues on your iPhone by downloading BoomVox.

Here goes (and all credit goes to Tom’s friend’s friend)

During the day:

Take a Ferry from Circular Quay to Manly. Beautiful beach, nice restaurants, walk along the cliffs from Manly to Shelly beach
Day trip to the Hunter Valley wine country (3.5 hours north of Sydney). Plenty of companies do a shuttle pickup with wine tour and lunch
Bondi Beach - Bondi to Bronte walk along the cliffs. Beautiful but far- never make it past the first few beaches before I turn back and head to the pub!
Hyde Park Barracks Museum –Australian Convicts History.
Thumbs down on the Australian Museum as it is an absolute bore and a waste of money, unless of course you go to the Jurassic Lounge on a Tuesday night for drinks, DJs, Live music, art demonstrations and Performers all amongst the dinosaur exhibition and other rooms throughout the museum.
Picnic on Observatory Hill or the Botanical Gardens (Both in The Rocks area)
Blue Mountains - If you have time, but they are more like hills. Nice views and about a 2 hour train ride from Sydney or you could take a guided tour to the Three Sisters and Jenolan caves.

Rugby Match:

Check out upcoming events at ANZ Stadium.

Theatre/Opera:

Pubs:

Harts Pub – the Rocks has the old world limestone feel, quaint and brew their own beer which is absolutely delicious.
The Clock - In Surry Hills (Favorite area in Sydney) with a wrap-around balcony great for people watching and drinking beer in the sun on a lazy afternoon. Best crowds are Saturday/Sunday Afternoons or Mon-Thursday evenings
Shady Pines Saloon - Western Bar with bowls of peanuts that you crack and discard on the floor, friendly bartenders and bouncers, and believe it or not it is BYO food. Smells like Whiskey Barrels.

Live Music:

The Commons - In Darlinghurst has Live Blues and Jazz in their limestone basement Tuesday- Saturday evenings
La Bodeguita Del Medio - Cuban Bar and Restaurant Live Cuban Music 7 nights/Week
505 - Surry Hills- Performance venue with Live Jazz Monday- Saturday night

Bars:

(Thurs – Sat all times will be packed):

Meat Markets:

The Ivy – CBD
The Establishment – CBD

Cafés/Restaurants:

Avoid the urge to eat in Darling Harbour if possible. These restaurants generally look good, taste bad and are over priced. The same goes for restaurants in The Rocks and Circular Quay as well. Actually, Sydney can be quite expensive for tourists so I’ve included some reviews on cheap but good restaurants.

Cheap Eats:

Cheap Eats 2011
Bang for Buck

Thai:

Long grain - Surry Hills – just added on another floor with a new bar
Sailors Thai - The Rocks

Malaysian:

Mamak (Cheap and Cheerful) – Haymarket, China Town – really quick walk from Darling Harbour. Always a queue but moves very quickly. Worth the wait as the food is incredible, but get there by 6pm to get straight in.

Mexican:

Mad Mex (Cheap and Cheerful) - Darlinghurst- Similar to Qdoba or Chipotle

Good luck. Enjoy Syd. Avoid the bike lanes and guano at the Botanical Gardens.

Gibson’s Wag Tail Trails

faeriebek — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 22:54:02 +0000

My name is Gibson, I’m a Labrador. My humans often say if I was any happier, my head would probably explode with excitement. Can’t say that I can argue with that- everything is pretty waggy around here! That’s largely in part due to the favourite places my humans take me. If you want a smiley doggy too, why not take them on my selection of doggy happiness- Gibson’s Wag Tail Trails!

Cafe Bones, Leichhardt

For a weekend get together with new and old doggy friends alike, you can’t go past Cafe Bones on the Leichhardt Canal. The area is leash free so we can just run, jump, play and sniff butt as much as our hearts desire! The cafe has coffee and food to keep my humans entertained, as well as all the essential doggy door menu items such as biscuits, liver treats, bouncy rubber balls and my personal favourite- the pup-a-cino. I consider myself the Mayor of the Canal, so if you have a four paw, expect me to pop by and say hi when you visit next!

Pet Barn, Alexandria

Shopping for toys and the right kibble can be such a chore, but not at Pet Barn! Rather than being left at home or tied to the pole out the front (how embarrassing, right?!) I can lope down the aisles and have a bit of a look around to see what I like. They also have all the necessities to keep me flea free and looking very handsome. They do persist in having aisles dedicated to cats, birds, fish and reptiles but hey, every shop has its drawbacks! If I am really good (which apparently means no play bowing in the aisles- how ruff is that?!) the check out person will give me a pig ear, the perfect drive home doggy om nom nom!

Dogs at Play, Surry Hills

Sometimes my humans are way too busy to really give me the love and attention I so richly deserve. Or it’s just been raining buckets and they know I don’t like to get my paws wet at the park. This is when Dogs at Play comes in so very handy. Dogs at Play is a doggy daycare where I can meet, mingle and get my play bow on with heaps of other doggies for the entire day! In addition to having some pals to play with I get two walks during the day AND my humans can catch all the action of my day on a special doggy web cam! I usually have so much fun I need to spend some serious quality time with the couch to recover. Dogs at Play also offer special walking services and are responsible for getting me to walk on the lead properly. I used to yank my male human up the road and my female human couldn’t even walk me- but thanks to Dogs at Play, I know that’s not cool now.

Stayz, nationwide

Holiday bookings are a breeze with Stayz offering the “pet friendly” selection with their properties! My humans know how important the beach is to me and have successfully chosen us great, clean, fun and doggy friendly holidays in Port Stephens, Manyana, Narooma and more. Whilst I chillax on my doggy bed after a hard day retrieving the ball and going for a surf, it’s nice to hear the sounds of the coast and drool to the smell of the BBQ cooking metres away. It’s a dog’s life, really!

First Drop Cafe, Redfern

Whilst First Drop is made for my humans, I am welcome to come down and bask in the sunny Redfern days. One of the waitresses there abolsutely adores me and is always up for giving me a scratch behind the ear which I love. As long as I sit still, don’t bark and respect that this is a place for humans, I even get the odd bit of left over bacon or sausage for my trouble! This is also a favourite place for my female human to pick up a morning takeaway coffee from the window at the end of the walk, a common Redfern doggy walker trick.

Thanks for paws-ing long enough to talk a walk with me down Gibson’s Wag Tail Trails! I am always up for fun and interesting places to go, so please share your suggestions if you have any. Hope to see you around!

To catch more of Gibson’s adventures, head to http://unashamedlycreative.com.au/staff-morale-officer/

It’s allllliiiiiiiive!

Customer Underground — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 23:46:36 +0000

No, we haven’t gone and made a Franken-shopper out of left over reviews and orange off-cuts... we can now share with you that BoomVox is now GEO AWARE in the latest release to the App Store!

What does that mean?

Well, it means you dear maven, no longer need to rely on a QR code to rate a business. You can simply choose SEARCH and the businesses around you current location will show up- and you can rate them!

You can still rate via QR code at participating businesses AND have the added flexibility of being a lil’ nude in the QR code department when you are out and about and the urge to review is bursting within!

Give it a try! Head to the App Store, download the FREE BoomVox App and enjoy the freedom of rating anywhere, anytime, all the time!

Getintoit!

Out and About with Customer Underground

Customer Underground — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 02:24:05 +0000

The warm weather has certainly hit us now and people are out and about soaking up the warm Spring weather. Customer Underground is no different- and you can find us out and about Sydney! And we’d love to see you!

For the Fashionista

See our lovely co-founders Mel and Barbara amidst some glorious Melbourne Cup fascinators by the equally glorious Neil Grigg designed exclusively for Saba!

Location: Level 4, Shop 4010/4011, Bondi Junction Westfield

Date: Thursday 27^th October, 2011

Time: 6pm to 9pm

Pop by, say hi and give BoomVox a try - there is a sexy new season BoomVox cap in it for you! Just mention this blog post.

Sharing at Sharing Places

Meanwhile, Thursday also sees our Marketing Maven Bek is dropping in to check out the launch of Open Shed, a fabulous new Aussie venture in collaborative consumption. Armed with BoomVox, she’ll be making sure the Open Shed guests have a great time at the opening and sampling the delights of the new foodie paradise of Luxury Tastings. You can check out what everyone has to say on Twitter via @customeruground, @luxurytastings, and @openshed – hooray!

The Neighbourhood is Where it’s at

We continue our BoomVox Redfern campaign and welcome the friendly staff of First Drop Cafe of East Redfern, and on Regent Street, rare guitar specialists The Guitar Jungle and the ever funky furniture and interior design guys from Graham and Graham Design! This is in addition to countless businesses of all kinds already on BoomVox on Redfern Street and surrounds. Drop in and share a rating or two... they’d love to see you!

To see the rest of the Redfern ‘maven trail’ click here and here.

Add a Dash of Flavour to Your Day

Keen to tackle the big issues in life, Ghermez Cupcakes are asking all BoomVox participants: If you were stuck on a desert island what Ghermez cupcake flavour would you wish you had taken with you? Let your creativity fly- the best BoomVox answer will see you walk away with one of three boxes of a dozen cupcakes for your trouble! Vote on Twitter @ghermezcupcakes or www.facebook.com/Ghermezcupcakes or via BoomVox in-store to be in the running. Ghermez is handily located in the CBD on George Street, in Chatswood Chase, Alexandria and in Westfield Bondi Junction, all great places for a sweet pick-me-up.

Wherever you are, be sure to share, rate and participate with your favourite businesses via BoomVox!

Best toy & kids item shopping in Sydney

Mel K — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 00:26:48 +0000

Shopping for kids’ items – whether the necessities or the treats – is low down on my list of desirable activities, particularly with the kids in tow. Unfortunately it is unavoidable. So many baby & kid shopping spots are some combination of overpriced, lacking in service, or just simply don’t have anything practical. There are some places that make the venture a little more positive though. Here are my picks for the best spots in Sydney for what you need for the kids – whether it’s clothes, shoes, or pressies.

Flying Penguin Extraordinary Educational Toys in Newtown: I discovered this little Newtown toy shop via Customer Underground and it’s now my favourite toy shopping destination. The small size means it’s easy to navigate, and OK to come with kids (no aisles to get lost in) and the uniformly high quality of the selection means there are lots of great choices. And not a battery-powered noise-making parent-mental-breakdown-creating toy in sight. Extra points for the great, thoughtful, personal service.
Better Read than Dead in Newtown: Another find via Customer Underground (thanks puddleduck!), this Newtown bookshop has the best selection of children’s books I’ve seen in Sydney. Top quality books, a big range, including plenty of board books for babies and interest-oriented books for particular obsessions (in my son’s case, construction equipment). I make a special trip here to do my book shopping for the kids – and usually add in a little treat for myself too.
Baby’s Got Style, online: This classy online retailer has figured out that a careful selection + great service + online shopping is a compelling value proposition, especially to the time-pressed (or those who wish to avoid the often disastrous combination of shopping malls + young children). Beautiful clothes and toys – the perfect URL to send to gift-shopping relatives overseas.
Target: On a different side of the spectrum from the first three, ‘tar-jay’ is still my top destination for day to day basic kids’ clothes that hit the mark in being both affordable and good enough quality to last as long as they fit. The downsides: no floor staff, very random stocking levels (why is size 2 never in stock?), and increasing disarray as the day goes on. The trade-off’s still worth it to me.
Shoes & Sox: This chain is a perfect example of the benefits of focus. They sell what they say, and know how to do it. I love that there’s a ticket system so you don’t have to queue with increasingly grumpy children; I love this means that when it’s your turn, the salesperson is devoted to you and sees the sale through to completion, and that they know how to fit kids’ shoes. Yes, the shoe prices are often high, but we take the one pair per season approach, so in dollars per wear, it’s well worth it. Another tip – the one at Eastgardens is conveniently located close to the entry from roof-top parking.

What are your picks for places to shop for the kids? Any places I should hit up for the next round of gifts/shoes/clothes?

Seriously sales girl, calm the $X#@ down!

faeriebek — Sun, 23 Oct 2011 22:44:33 +0000

Ever had one of those moments where you are faced with a space invader in sales person's clothing? Felt like the customer service that was meant to help you was actually getting in the way of what you were trying to do? maven faeriebek shares your pain.

I am completely and utterly allergic to “in ya face” sales techniques. In order not to increase my own blood pressure or worse still, be court ordered to pay for some poor unsuspecting retail shop assist’s counselling for Post Meeting-Angry-Bek Syndrome, I have given myself the following limitations:

I have completely abandoned shopping at major department stores due to an overwhelming desire to head butt staff who seem to not watch what I am doing, but merely watch when the last sales person harassed me and dive in to do the exact same before anyone gets in first.
I immediately eliminate a return visit to any shop that has a 50 item menu placed high up where only King Kong can read it where the person behind the counter asks me what I want before I even get the chance to point my head up.
I Google my fingers into toothpick skinniness before walking in to purchase any piece of tech so when the sales person tries to up-sell me based on an apparently absent feature set in the cheaper model, I can run an impromptu “this product actually has these features, read the box doofus” lecture to get what I actually need.
I become a super frequently purchasing, absolute loyalty card wielding, word of mouth espousing brand ambassador for any business with that careful measure between looking after customer needs and closing the sale to ward off any chance of closure or their current approach being abandoned.

This is why I want to grab hold of the ear of the current consumer marketing manager for “Tree of Life” and the store manager of “Tree of Life- Bondi Junction” and whack their heads together so hard they see ‘genuine’ Indian dream-catchers dance around their undoubtedly prettily mascara'd eyeballs.

Why? Because they have RUINED my favourite clothing chain entirely.

In a shop the size of a large living room, having 4 shop girls fawn all over me and practically elbow each other out of the way to provide their version of “better” service is excruciatingly uncomfortable. Having them all chime in with “oooh that looks so hot on you” as they ambush me at the only mirror in the joint and varying degrees of whimsical pop crud twenty year old girls need to here at Dotti makes me nauseous.

Girls, please... lay off the red flippin’ cordial and get a grip!

I’m a mid 30’s woman with a tummy I call my “Coopers Appreciation Trophy”- if you think I look hot in a piece of see-through cheese cloth designed to make Kate Moss look like she is sporting “a fuller figure” you need to wipe the Vaseline out of your eye sockets- let me make my own selections!

And no, I don’t want a beaded bracelet so the magical unicorn of Tibet who bestows the thong-less tan line of heaven can grant my wish once it breaks, falls off and gets lost- so stop trying to sell it to me as something that will make my “outfit pop” and provide cosmic whatever the hell you are banging on about!

Get out of the change room and stop knocking on the door for updates- I mastered dressing myself decades before YOU stopped eating crayons and boogers!

And for the love of all the soft downy faces of smudgy lil kittens in the universe, can you PLEASE stop cancelling my loyalty card, re-issuing it and telling me I can get my discount “next time”! It worked fine for several years- why now is it screwed up more than Courtney Love every time I visit?!

I used to love “Tree of Life” because I could find stuff that suited my figure, personality and my shopping ethos. Now I am stone’s throw away from writing their HQ a letter begging, pleading, and grovelling for the return of their old service model. Instead of sharing the positives and being really pleased, I’m foaming like a rabid dog about what used to be my favourite shop!

Maybe I am odd or something, but I genuinely know what I want and can also smell a cheesy sales technique like a fart in an elevator- and I don’t like having pushy, overtly fake people with plastic smiles telling me something is sensational when it just isn’t. In fact, that actually makes me more suspicious and less likely to trust their advice.

All I ask is you help me when I ask for help or politely enquire if I need something at an appropriate time and stop acting like some full of yourself advertising executive coked up to the eyeballs doing a multimillion dollar pitch to a gullible leprechaun with a giant pot of gold.

Is that too much to freaking ask?