Cute, not Smart

Me and my coffee!

noreply@blogger.com (Madame2Bar) — Thu, 30 Jun 2011 01:05:00 +0000

I'm sitting in one of my favorite places where I love to catch up with friends or just sit and think. There is something very calming and exciting at the same time about coming into Gloria Jeans. The sounds of people connecting, the blenders and coffee machines grinding the coffee and the smell! It seems to come alive!

Coffee has an appeal which I keep coming back for more. It's not just a drink it's part of my lifestyle. I connect with friends over a coffee. We share each others hopes, misfortunes, joys and outrage! On weekends I like to share a cuppa with kids and 2Bar and share my excitement of having a coffee. It doesn't always turn out so good as the kids don't really get it that a coffee needs to be lingered over and enjoyed. It's not a competition who can finish their drink first! Hahaha!

My coffee of choice is a caramelatte. I try not to think of the extra calories that I am consuming as I don't want to ruin the experience. So I turn a blind eye to the naughtiness of me! Mmmmm the caramel!

Contentment

noreply@blogger.com (Madame2Bar) — Tue, 28 Jun 2011 05:37:00 +0000

The kids are sick and having an afternoon nap. Three meals are prepared and the house is clean. Washing and folding are done. It's stormy and raining outside and I'm pleased not to do the school run. In fact i'm very well pleased with the last few days. I've been in my element looking after my family. I would rather the children weren't sick because it isn't nice feeling sick but it's lovely being home in the warm watching TV and playing the WII.

The last few days I've achieved a level of contentment which warms me. To nuture my children back to health and have the house organised and then the rest of the week can follow on how it pleases. Small victories I know but if I can continue with being content with small things then big things won't be any trouble.

I know I need to keep working on this because in three weeks time when my hormomnes go mental again I need to be prepared. In three weeks the kids will be halfway through school holidays and trying to kill each other and I will be refereeing. Contentment out the door!! hahaha!

I am as deep as a puddle!

noreply@blogger.com (Madame2Bar) — Wed, 22 Jun 2011 02:07:00 +0000

Yep I'm a bit bored. My one day a week job has now finished. Deep down I'm very disappointed it has. I enjoyed getting dressed in nice clothes and having somewhere to be. One day was enough in amongst my other duties as a Mum. The job started at 9am and finished at 2pm which was just in time for school drop off and pick up. If the kids were sick I had the option of bringing them with me to the shop or call in sick. Best of both worlds! When the time comes to look for another job I hope I can find one with the same hours. Doubt it! And yes everyone asks when am I going to find another job, what am I going to do and I have no idea. People think I am making excuses that we go on holidays in six weeks time so no point looking for a job because no one will employ me then say "Hey here's six weeks holidays!!" Since when am I the bad guy!!

So now I have 7 days in the week being a Mum full full time again. Routine is the key and the road to boredom. I've been here before. The constant struggle of balancing motherhood with working a job. Keeping the house organised and being there for the kids to run them around to after school activities, if they're sick, school holidays etc.. Our priority is I'm the primary caregiver and Mum role of the family which I love being but I still after all these years feel the pressure of not financially contributing and feel guilty when I'm home. If I am home I feel I have to be cleaning or maintaining the house. Stuff has to be done!! If I don't do it WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY TIME!!!! I'm going to go crazy being here all the time and it scares the hell out of me!!

Being content and not listening to others is going to be the key in working out what I'm going to do and how we are as a family are going to be happy. Content with what we have and looking after what we have. Not always looking out but cherishing what we've got and making it work. I must not lose sight of the main goal I've set and that is to be a good wife and mother. Having a job has to work within the perimeters that I have set and I can't let it overtake my main goal. I'm not saying that if we get into trouble with money I won't go and get a job because it interferes with my goal. My goals will just have to be rearranged. It will work eventually I know and it will be great fun discovering what I can do.

In the meantime I'm stressing out and I hate it. I know why I am having bad dreams of losing the kids in natural disasters and not being able to find them and why i don't want to help my best friend anymore. I resent when good things happen to her and that is another whole post I will leave to another time! My control issues are surfacing again and I struggle to be content and let the Lord work his amazing stuff in my life. My prayer journal is looking empty and forlorn, it needs a bit of loving!

I hate being bored because it makes me look a little deeper into my puddle and I don't want to find it so shallow.

Wait ... what?

noreply@blogger.com (2BarRiff) — Fri, 21 Jan 2011 05:34:00 +0000

Has it been a year already?

Swiming against the tide in a river of shit

noreply@blogger.com (2BarRiff) — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 12:36:00 +0000

And no snorkel ...

Well, the 6 month anniversary in the new job is almost here and things are not quite where I anticipated.

My request to God for a reasonably run, cash strong business has been denied, in favour of a basket case with endless cash issues. I've always known that cash hassles are a fact of life with SME's, they just should be a way of life.

It's no stretch to say that I would have preferred unemployment to the position I'm in now.

However ...

Bad timing in the accounting job market at the moment leaves me needing to stay for at least a couple of months.

AND

I find out this morning that my boss has resigned, and thus I've had calls from the directors wanting to know if I'm leaving too. My answer: No, I'm not looking for work which is a LIE since I saw my mate at the agency on Friday.

*Sigh*

I'm pretty sure I can turn this into more $$$ for me which is one reason this job has only ever been a temporary consideration but will the place last long enough?

Depression, I'm learning, is about having too many questions and not enough ammo to deal with them. Well, besides gin.

My Big Mouth

noreply@blogger.com (Madame2Bar) — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 09:17:00 +0000

I wonder sometimes why I even bother. My parents travelled around Europe about 8 years ago and stayed in YHA accommodation. They had a ball and said the places they stayed in were very clean and very nice. Friends of mine are in Europe as I type and they were astounded at the prices of B & B's as they were taking their three children. So big mouth me suggested the YHA's as an alternative. They booked.

Apparently the ones they've stayed at are CRAP and now I've got the blame for the suffering they are going through and ruining their holiday. But the email ends with 'Still love ya even if I am suffering because of you!'

Great. That tops off a crappy few months!

Looking at the world through shit-coloured glasses

noreply@blogger.com (2BarRiff) — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 14:47:00 +0000

Again.

I've only recently come to the conclusion that I am not as well as I had thought.

Initially, I had thought that it was just getting down because a few job applications did not work out but there seems to have been a theme going back to probably the start of the year.

Lately, it's manifesting itself in everything coming up crap. Sometimes in life, it takes no effort to see the good things in the world and enjoy them. For me, now, it seems like that will take more effort than I can give.

I'm viewing the lack of work as a reflection on myself, the concern at my situation from those close by as annoying and unwanted intrusions, and my future as decidedly bleak.

I've wanted to sell my guitars and forget about music, throw out my books and delete my mp3s. Quit running, drop out of basketball.

Cause it's just too hard AND because I just don't know if I'll ever have the ability to care in the same way as before.

Yeah it's depressing.

And I swore in the post title. Madame2Bar is going to kill me.

Yee-Ouch!

noreply@blogger.com (2BarRiff) — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 03:04:00 +0000

I woke up last night with all sorts of pain in my left little finger.

Seems I went a little too hard a basketball last night and either whacked someone or something. I never noticed it at the time, as I was hell-bent on my mission to get out of a 3 week scoring rut. Which succeeded, yo!

Hopefully my amateur patch-up job will see it right before finals.

Depression update

noreply@blogger.com (2BarRiff) — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 16:26:00 +0000

Since you're all hanging on an update:

1. I had my last schedule counseling session about a month ago. I was good.

2. Further counseling sessions are at my discretion. Which is nice cause the fees went up again.

3. I just realised that I've forgotten to take my anti-depression medication for about a week. The only effect that I've noticed is that I've started to go back into the pattern of not wanting to sleep. Other than than I have been very stable as far as moods go. That said, not having to work for 2 months has put me on a very mellow setting.

Continuing Job Follies

noreply@blogger.com (2BarRiff) — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 16:19:00 +0000

So I decided not to take the lower paying job even though the industry is way more exciting than I've worked in, in the past.

It came down to the fact that the boss wanted to pay around $10K lower per year than my minimum, which was about $25K pa less than what I earned in my previous job. My minimum was a level that Madam2Bar and I worked out we could live relatively comfortably on with a few sacrifices.

Good news is that I also had a prelim interview at an agency for another position which looks good.

I'm not sure about other industries, but job ads from agencies for accounting related positions tend to be light on specifics - especially about the company. I was, however, able to use my l33t interweb skillz and the googlegod came up with what turned out to be the correct company.

So midway through the interview I was able to drop some info regarding the company, it's set up, history etc etc. And it turns out that I'd worked for a company that was in a related industry.

Hopefully, we'll have good news this week.

Sacrificing a good actual opportunity for a potentially great but not certain opportunity is hard, though.

I still hate looking for work

noreply@blogger.com (2BarRiff) — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 12:59:00 +0000

Let me clarify the previous post.

Looking for work <>= unemployed

Looking for work = looking for work and can be employed or unemployed

Unemployed = having no job and looking for work.

Until now I've never been 'unemployed' so I don't feel too qualified to comment on being unemployed.

I can, however, talk with much experience about looking for work while employed (or, in my case, on 'self funded long service leave').

And the worst part is, for me, having an offer and second guessing on whether to take this job or wait a while for something better that may or may not come about.

The second worst thing about looking for work is having nothing to look at.

The thirst worst thing is tossing up whether to take a job that is around $25-30K p.a. less than the previous job.

I hate looking for work.

noreply@blogger.com (2BarRiff) — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 01:12:00 +0000

Probably the worst part of looking for work occurs at what should be the best time: A job is offered and I need to decide to take it or not.

This is when the second guessing occurs. What if something better is just around the corner? Should I hang out for more money? Does this job have an exit strategy in case it all turns pear shaped?

The job I'm looking at is is in an industry that I would LURVE to work in. But it is at around $25K a year less than I was earning, and no car. Sacrificing the $$ for personal satisfaction is all well and good, it's just the other 3 humans in the house that I also need to think about. We're risking music lessons, ballet, sports, movies, luxuries etc. just so I can hang with the kewl people.

Sigh.

The second guessing is killing me.

The Week so far ...

noreply@blogger.com (2BarRiff) — Fri, 08 May 2009 07:00:00 +0000

Jobs applied for: 12
Calls Back: 1
Parenting Help at school: 1
Kilometers Run: 23.5
Kilograms Lost: 2.5
Hours Practicing Guitar: 6
Hours on Guitar Hero: 1
Hours Playing on WII: 6
Books Read: 2

I could get used to unemployment.

Whoah!

noreply@blogger.com (2BarRiff) — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 08:13:00 +0000

In his best Bill & Ted voice

So I thought to myself that it's time to check on the blog and maybe tend to a few weeds. After all, it's been a couple of weeks since I posted anything.

A couple of weeks?????OMGWTFBBQ!!??

I think 4 months of non-blogging is some kind of anti-internet crime. I admit, however, to being internet-slack. Lotsa work, work, work, appendicitis scare for the Princess, other assorted bric-a-brac (redundancy alert!!!) of stuff. And the only internet-y stuff has been passive at best.

Except for fighting Madame2Bar off the computer owing to her Facebook related Tetris & Bejeweled addictions. Sigh.

Anyway, I think I'll be posting some more in future. Well, after the week in Bali starting tomorrow!!! (Totally NOT funded by any fiscal stimulus payments thank you very not Mr Rudd).

Then I'll be finding out what the world of the unemployed looks like, as Mr 2BarRiff and the tyrants at GFoC have reached agreement that our lives would be better without each other. They get to keep the car, laptop, mobile, fuel card, unfinished work (ho ho ho) and I get to keep the remnants of the sanity that I pulled out of my depression in a totally Arthur/Excalibur way, but with better imagery than I can summon right now.

Life is good.

Another Year, O Dear

noreply@blogger.com (2BarRiff) — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 14:02:00 +0000

No fear, I'll have another beer.

Or not.

I think my average for New Year's resolutions is about 100% over the last two years. I have gotten better, and I have eaten (and experienced things) more slowly.

This year I think I'd like to work on my mission more. To try and draw my disparate hobbies and interests into something concrete. To pull my random stuff together into a thing. The lack of ever having a sense of a fulfilling mission has been a determining factor in my depression.

Over-arching all of that is a desire to simplify. To not waste time so much on new stuff but focus on what I've started but haven't finished. For example, the desire to buy and learn the saxophone is currently percolating through my brain, but I have a relatively new and difficult instrument that I just haven't gotten around to mastering yet.

I also want to get back to writing, so I'm formulating a series on depression as well as toying with the idea of running a separate blog (under my own name) on my progress with the other instrument.

A new thing for this year is to start by listing what I'm grateful for over the last year (in no particular order):
* Employment. Still continuing though there have been a few moments. The money is good, benefits are ok, power is almost non-existent but I'm working on it.
* Depression. I'm still fighting it, but there are more victories than defeats
* Family. My children are a never ending source of amusement, entertainment, wonder and fear. All the things life should be made up of, I guess.
* Madame2Bar. I still can't quite believe that she's mine, and I'm grateful for every day with her. Plus she can cook. And it's our 10 year wedding anniversary and 13 year dating anniversary this year. Which is, respectively, 10 years and 12.75 years longer than I ever though I would manage.
* God. I haven't felt close this last year, but I know that I am. I see God working around me every now and then, and it's been these little miracles that have helped me keep my faith.
* Music. I love music. It's something I'm more attuned with than I ever realised. This year has seen me focus a little more on the why rather than the doing. So when I started playing in the new church, it was actually fun again (plus I don't have to lead or sing).

What aren't I grateful for?
* GFoc and the tyrants I work for. While they seem to set new standards in assholery, it's been a positive stress, and my hair looks kind of cool now that it's over half grey.
* The demise of OneBarRiff. Dying sucks, no doubt about it. My advice is to avoid it where possible.
* Friendships. Aside from Madame2Bar, I still have a rather empty dance card when it comes to friendships. I, of course, think I am wonderful but it seems that I can't quite convince the rest of the world of this truth.

Drunk Blogging

noreply@blogger.com (2BarRiff) — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 14:08:00 +0000

has it's benefits.

Mindblowing.

Double Mindblowing

Really Mindblowing.

Making Mountains out of Mouthbreathers

noreply@blogger.com (2BarRiff) — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 12:09:00 +0000

Depression has a way of making little things bigger.

And not just in a bad way such as where the smallest thing (like getting out of bed on a Sunday morning and going to church) can leave me bedridden for the day.

Somedays, little thoughts come to me and I suddenly feel that, if I could just catch this little thing, I'd get a bit better. I could decide that it might be leaving my emails until the afternoon, or just eating fruit on a Monday.

2 weeks ago, I was going into the local IGA/Foodworks/Farmer Jacks or whatever it is. I call it the Bogan Emporium, on account of me being the only person in the checkout queue not buying cigarettes.

The tiny thought came into my mind that I am kind of mean to people in my mind and that, if I was just a bit nicer to people, in my mind, then things would get better. Sort of like a bit of mental positive karma.

So I gave it a go. There was the overweight, hairy man in front of me in the queue, holding an esky which he wanted to buy. Instead of my usual thought process (Smelly fat guy with too much alcohol for one esky) I tried to think of positives, and then tried to think of nothing at all because I couldn't think of any.

Then he moved up to the checkout girl. So I tried again ... not overly attractive, looks like a nice person, could do something with her hair ... ok, it wasn't much but I didn't give her my normal label - "mouthbreather".

Quite proud of myself, I was. Until the fat guy began to talk to her.

"All those eskys smell" He said "Even this one smells though not as bad. Can you smell it?". He angled it towards the girl.

"I can't smell anything" she said "I'm a mouthbreather".

I stopped trying after that.

The Opposite of Serendipity

noreply@blogger.com (2BarRiff) — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 11:18:00 +0000

It had to happen sooner or later

Something had to drag me out of my comfortable non-blogness. Things have been busy since the 2Bar holiday ... mainly trying to dodge internal audits at work, keep my job, make sure the End of Year Bonus actually happens and do various battles with denizens of GFoC*.

So I was searching for something else entirely one day this week, and I chanced upon two of the worst songs ever to be recorded. Both, while different, possessed qualities that render them similar, chief of which seems to be taking things way too seriously.

The first seems to be what wigga's find cool these days, ie nothing. Cue gratuitous swearing, autotune, pig costumes and appalling hairstyles.

The only positive I take out of viewing that video is that I know what the answer to the question "Hey Mister 2BarRiff, can my friends and I shoot a music video on your front lawn" will be.

Unless you viewed the next clip, you wouldn't have thought that medieval chicks think skinny like an AIDS patient is sexy (but then again, the Princess thinks Justin Timberlake is cute).

"Love has Enemies" ... so do crappy songs.

That is all, at least until I finish this next report.

*Generic Foreign owned Corporation, which is blessed to have me on the payroll

TAB - I Like!!

noreply@blogger.com (Madame2Bar) — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 08:06:00 +0000

I WON!!!

Went and checked the ticket and I won $46.50. Not bad for a $3 ticket!

TAB - a world of it's own!

noreply@blogger.com (Madame2Bar) — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 07:36:00 +0000

For the first time I went to a Melbourne Cup luncheon since I finished full time work. Thoroughly enjoyed myself drinking, eating and partying with the Girls. But not in a million years will I understand placing a bet on the horses. My best mate from Ireland understood quite well so I followed her advice thinking wasn't that their national past time in Ireland to bet on the horses? How complicated was it to pick a horse then find the race number, the horse again, the amount, the place and a win. No wonder I don't place bets any other time of the year!

Twenty six dollars later (which is a lot of money considering I earn sixty for three hours work a week!) I still didn't know who I was going for! In the end I'm left with a ticket which says 10 Viewed $3 win div x1 on the back of a $3 mystery combo ticket. Suppose I should go back to the TAB to see if I won.

See you next year dear TAB!

When two worlds collide

noreply@blogger.com (2BarRiff) — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 16:23:00 +0000

Wedded bliss beats all other blisses.

Can I preface this post by saying that I love Madame2Bar more than anything else in this world?

With that out of the way, I note with interest, and in a completely non-judgemental way that:

Tomorrow morning, I get to sleep in to 7.
Tomorrow morning, Madame2Bar has to get up early.

At 7.

Keep Stepping

noreply@blogger.com (2BarRiff) — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 13:58:00 +0000

Doesn't matter where

As is my wont, I had more to say in my last post than what I posted. Most of the time I keep the goodness to myself (mmmmm, goodnesssss, nom nom nom). Sometimes I just plain forget.

Other times, much more rarely, I'm too drunk to get out of this chair so I'll just post some crap. Bless you Glen Parker, and your Single Malt slice of heaven!

Last budget season, my soundtrack was Lynard Skynards "Live, One more from the Road".

It's amazing how a handful of beer-soaked hicks can be so damn good at their stuff. This double album rocks like a cow in the wind. Each of these guys is/was an absolute genius. Drummer - Genius. 3 Guitar players - genii. Keyboards - Same. Bass Player - Not so much, but sometimes the genius of the bass is in not really noticing it.

This year, it's been Enoch Light and the Light Brigade's Provocative Percussion Vols 1 & 2. Background music. Elevator, Lounge, tiki, cool stuff. Light like a feather but heavier than a mountain. Yeah, you may mock it but pick up your instrument of choice and you do it. This is the kind of stuff that seems so easy and so nothing yet gets deeper the deeper you go. On a par with Lynard Skynard's musicianship but galaxies apart.

Is one a step forward from the other? I don't know.

For a period of time, I was a guitar head. And I was good. I played for hours every day, my entire record collection consisted of guitar music of the 70s and 80s ... hair metal, blues, jazz - six strings and rocking. I have dozens of albums that are all instrumental guitar (and Madame2Bar will NOT listen to them).

I don't do much of that now. I don't play it because it gives me nothing back. I don't listen to it because my brain is more about family, love, work and driving a stake through the heart of my depression. The music just doesn't mean that much. Playing it doesn't mean as much either. I like knowing that I can pick it up again any time I choose, but there's no jizz in doing so.

What's different though, is that, years ago, I couldn't have listened to both albums at the same time. Now, I can. This may not mean much to the casual observer, but it's a hell of an insight.

Arrgh. It's taken 20 minutes to write this, an hour to do the links (hey, I'm drunk and distracted), many minutes of spell checking and another hour to get this far without a finish.

Let's try another way. Some of the worst times in my life have been when I have forced myself to go in a certain direction. Looking back, the times in my life where I haven't moved have seemed benign at the time but have turned out to be some of the worst times as well. So, maybe, it's about making sure I'm moving, without forcing myself into a direction. Making sure I'm stepping, no worrying whether I'm stepping forwards or not. Does that make sense? It does to me.

And Glen Parker.

Budgets and Beer

noreply@blogger.com (2BarRiff) — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 11:48:00 +0000

Not sure what makes my head spin more

In those two lever arch files are approximately 1,280 pages containing 16 columns of numbers (12 months, 4 totals, 1 description and 1 general ledger referance) and a minimum of 30 lines per page, meaning I've spent the last 2 1/2 months generating, checking , referencing and dissecting at least 614,400 unique numbers along with hundreds of emails & phone calls, 20 or so presentations, 2 return flights to Sydney and back and more late nights that I care (or can) remember. It all culminated in a formal presentation lasting a shade under 12 hours.

Budget time is probably the key time of the year for me, where I display all I've learned about in the last year about the 10+ businesses I'm responsible for, wrangle the knowledge and experience of at least a dozen (unco-operative) others, and cobble it all together into an 18 month prognostication upon which I will be judged at some point in the future. All while making sure my staff and department are hitting their targets.

So, as you can imagine, it is a big deal. And having depression means one is often less capable dealing with the big deals.

Being a year older and wiser (and greyer) I was able to observe myself riding the rise and fall of the depression tide. There were moments of panic and rage along with antipathy and madness, anger and humor. What was different this year, was not necessarily the emotions, but the recognition of them and the control (at the good times) and the lack of fear (at the bad times).

I learnt that all of the things that come out of me are me, not something that's happening to me or me reacting to something. I owned every one of those feelings, and if someone let me down, then I was happy to acknowledge the disdain and disappointment. I wasn't '2BarRiff - angry feeling like he was at getting out of control'. I was '2BarRiff - mad at the prick who didn't do what I was counting on them doing'.

And the best thing is that I think others in the office appreciate me for it, judging by the openness and respect I've been shown lately. The others know I have their back because they've seen me taking the bullets (METAPHOR ALERT! METAPHOR ALERT!), for the last year I've been more quiet about it.

As a manager, I've learnt more about dealing with people than ever before. It's one thing to depend on someone, it's another to really, really, really count on them - the instructions need to be precise, the stakes clearly spelt out and the abilities of the person judged against what the task is ... can they already do it, can they grow with this task, what if they cock it up, is it better or easier to stay up an hour later and do it myself?

But finally, the beer's been drunk, and the red wine, and the celebratory scotch. The reruns have been rerun, numbers recast, reconciliations posted. Tomorrow will be the finish and I have 2 weeks of holidays coming up.

I rock. I really do.

Ahhh...

noreply@blogger.com (2BarRiff) — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 13:28:00 +0000

8 mile makes sense now.

Decisions, decisions ...

noreply@blogger.com (2BarRiff) — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 12:22:00 +0000

I couldn't ... could I???