cynical much?

huh??

2009-10-24T07:25:00.001-05:00

Why is it a bad thing to text while driving, yet it's OK to bang an address into ones car's navigation system?
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acts of God

2009-10-17T18:41:00.001-05:00

My homeowners' insurance policy says it doesn't cover "acts of God."

But what if you're an atheist?
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a sad day

2009-10-03T08:28:00.002-05:00

If you like little kids and puppies, then don't read this article.

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a million years

2009-09-30T05:03:00.003-05:00

"I wouldn't have guessed that in a million years!"

How often have you heard that as a response to a query you've posed? Here's how I'm going to respond next time someone says that:

"Well, DUH! It's not like you're gonna live to be a million years old! Besides, after a million years, who's likely to remember the question??"

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12 "for," 11 "against," teens abstain

2009-09-30T04:53:00.003-05:00

Panel votes to restore abstinence education money
The Associated Press
Tuesday, September 29, 2009; 11:31 PM

WASHINGTON -- A Senate committee voted Tuesday night to restore $50 million a year in federal funding for abstinence-only education that President Barack Obama has pushed to eliminate.

Well, if there is anything good to come out of this, it's that the move will result in more taxpayers to help defray the $50M costs.

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rest room? I don't think so.

2009-09-13T13:08:00.003-05:00

Please read my article, Worst Men's Room I've ever had the Pleasure to Visit, for a firsthand look at what restaurants are passing off as a customer courtesy these days.

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more dating advice

2009-07-24T17:34:00.004-05:00

Here's some dating advice from one of my single buddies, learned the hard way - once again.

After first meeting a new girl, under no circumstances, no matter how much it may seem to apply, are you to say, "That's cool! Is that your stripper name?"

Deal killer, right there, let me tell ya.

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the new GM

2009-07-11T07:25:00.004-05:00

"Good news, sweetie!" the mother began, "The all new, Gov't run General Motors will be trying to get younger buyers such as yourself into their nearest showrooms!"

Bad news, however, is that the nearest showroom will be 250 miles away.

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07/08/09

2009-07-08T17:13:00.000-05:00

Read here for a bit of insight into a rare phenomenon on the occasion of 07/08/09.

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chass titty boner

2009-06-12T19:49:00.002-05:00

Well, I see that Chastity Bono has come up with yet another ploy to piss off her mom.
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stress

2009-05-18T17:53:00.001-05:00

The doctor told me to take a deep breath and count to ten whenever I feel stressed.

I'm up to 30,000 now and still don't feel any better.
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american idle

2009-05-15T05:21:00.000-05:00

Need I say more?
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"creative" baby names II

2009-05-02T07:24:00.004-05:00

The other day a colleague presented me with the following riddle:

A man and wife teamed up to come up with the following name for their darling little daughter:

La - a

Now take a moment or two and see if you can figure out how these parents intended this name to be pronounced, and also how this poor child will be ridiculed for the rest of her life because of it.

No, it's not pronounced Leah, (Lay-uh, as in Princess Leia) nor is it La'a (Hawaiian for Law-ah.) It's not supposed to be said like "laaaah" or anything else like that. No, this angel got saddled with a name that is supposed to be pronounced - are you ready for this? Ladasha. Get it? La "Dash" a. I'd say that about 99% - no, make that 100% of the people she comes across will not know how to pronounce it right.

This, by the way, is a true story. You can't make stuff up like this. If anyone could appreciate this post, it would be my friend M@.

Here are two more of my posts about baby names: Post 1 and Post2
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I hate tongue twisters

2009-05-02T06:49:00.002-05:00

Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers.
How Many Pickled Peckers did Peter Piper Pick?
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sex, Ed?

2009-04-08T07:08:00.003-05:00

Much has been said about parents who feel that sex education should be done at home and not by the public school system.

How about this idea. At thirteen, all kids are given a test of general understanding about sex, STDs, and how babies are made. Nothing complex, overly graphic, or beyond their comprehension - just knowledge any thirteen year old should have in order to keep themselves and others safe. Then, if the kid doesn't get a passing grade, that kid's going to get sex-ed, no matter what the parents want.

Parents say they want to be the ones who teach their children about sex - but then don't do it. C'mon, people, either teach your kids about sex, (assuming you have the resources to do so,) or allow the Education System in your state to educate them.
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yeah, that could be a problem

2009-04-04T15:53:00.001-05:00

I have an uncle who has a really bad problem for which there may be no help.

He's addicted to twelve-step programs.
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be sure to look your best!

2009-03-29T18:55:00.001-05:00

Take a look at this quick post and the statement it makes about tattoos and job interviews.

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those funny people in sheboygan

2009-03-21T09:16:00.001-05:00

Here's an interesting post about one of my favorite topics, The Double Standard.

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threesome much?

2009-03-12T18:52:00.002-05:00

A man approaches his wife and asks, "Honey, would you ever consider a threesome?"

She says, "Sure!"

"Really?" he asks, hardly believing his ears.

"You bet!" she begins, "But I get to pick the other guy."

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homosexuality is treatable

2009-02-21T13:54:00.002-05:00

Is homosexuality treatable? Sure! There are plenty of ways to treat homosexuals. Fun ways that can please both heterosexuals and homosexuals. Wanna know what they are? Wanna know several ways to treat homosexuals?

Well, for one, you could treat homosexuals with respect. You could treat them with kindness, compassion, courtesy, and sympathy. You could treat them with dignity, honor, and doggone it, maybe even with civility.

So as I said, there are many ways we can treat homosexuals. Ya just gotta know how.

UPDATE: For more on this issue, read this post.

Heard at the coffee shop

2009-02-08T12:54:00.002-05:00

"I'm all in favor of my school district spending more on ensuring qualified teachers are brought into high-poverty neighborhoods to teach low-income students - as long as my taxes don't go up."

toodle-oodle casserole

2009-02-04T17:01:00.002-05:00

A kindergarten teacher asked her students what their favorite meal is. There were the usual responses such as pizza and hot dogs, etc.

When she came to Lizzie, her answer was a bit odd.

"and what is your favorite food, Lizzie?"

"toodle-oodle casserole," she said.

"Excuse me, Lizzie, but would you say that again please?"

"toodle-oodle casserole."

The next week, Lizzie's mother showed up for a teacher conference.

"Mrs Gordon, if you don't mind me asking, what is Lizzie's favorite food?"

"Not at all!" the mother began, "Lizzie likes tuna noodle casserole.

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looks like a cyclone hit it

2009-01-31T06:18:00.001-05:00

From one of my other blogs:

A Riddle for you:

Question: What's the difference between a tornado and the U.S. Economy?

Answer: One leaves a path of destruction as it brings down homes and takes away cars and other prized possessions and personal belongings and the other is a wind storm.
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what do you get?

2009-01-30T13:08:00.001-05:00

What do you get if you were to cross these dogs together:

Schnauzer
Spitz
Beagle
Newfoundland
Poodle

You're gonna love this:

Schnitzel with Noodles.

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eight is enough (actually, too many)

2009-01-28T22:16:00.004-05:00

By now I suppose you've heard the story of the Houston mother who gave birth to octuplets this week. According to one article,

Details about how the octuplets were conceived have not been released, but doctors not involved in the delivery believe the mother was likely on fertility treatment.

I wonder why doctors thought it was likely she was on babymaker pills. It seems that whenever you hear stories about multiple births of four or more kids, Mom is on fertility meds. I feel badly for couples who are having difficulty conceiving a child and then going from none to eight.

The kids were 2 girls and 6 boys. I'm just picturing these girls trying to get a date when they're older. A 16 year old guy comes up to one, chats her up a bit, then asks her out. She says OK, and he says, "do you have a sister for my buddy?" Yeah - and she's my age. "Oh, you're twins?" No, she says.

Suddenly six boys, all appearing to be the exact same age, come around the corner and scare the guys away.

And what about how boys eat? Sure, the 2 girls will always be watching their weight - some things will never change - but I know boys who can put away two steaks at a single meal.

"Honey, I'm going to the store - do you need anything?"

"Yeah, get three Ultra-Slim-Slows, twelve steaks, and whatever you want."

UPDATE:

Turns out this mother already had six kids - and she's only 33 years old. Fourteen kids. I know some teachers who have less than that in their whole classroom.
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