cynical much?

Answer me this

2012-07-26T17:30:00.001-05:00

Why does my diver's watch need a calendar function?

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... as if it were your last.

2012-04-12T09:56:00.003-05:00

The other day, I heard a woman give that tired old cliche, "Live every day as if it were your last."

Yeah. Like I want to live every day in a hospital bed with tubes connected all over and a nurse coming in every once in a while asking, "How are we doing Mr. (insert last name here)?" and I am unable to answer.

Sure. Good plan.
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Another Dumb Pun

2012-04-06T14:28:00.002-05:00

Q. Why are Thomas's English Muffins allowed neither in prisons nor in day care centers?

A. They don't want to deal with crooks and nannies.

Incomplete Sentences

2012-02-04T14:02:00.000-05:00

The other day, I heard the teacher apparently say to the class, as she wrote on the board, "I - will - write - incomplete - sentences."

I thought that was rather odd, until I looked up at the board.

"I will write in complete sentences."

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Who could have seen THAT coming?

2012-02-04T13:48:00.000-05:00

Here's a dialog that occurred the other day at school. Little girl raises her hand in the cafeteria and I called on her:

Little girl: "I'm six!"

Me: "Really! When did you turn six?"

Little girl: "On my birthday."

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Bitchcraft

2011-12-31T11:00:00.001-05:00

Bitchcraft [bich-kraft]

noun

A series of practices where a group of people, most often women, plot and execute evil actions against others, also typically women.

Cell Phone vs Talking to Passenger

2011-12-27T08:53:00.000-05:00

Q: What's the difference between hands-free talking on a cell phone in a car versus talking to a passenger in the car?

A: The person with whom you're talking hands-free is much less likely to shout, "Watch out!!"
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tying teacher salaries to student performance

2011-04-20T05:52:00.000-05:00

Schools across the nation are considering tying teacher salaries to student performance.

I couldn't agree more.

The worse a school performs, the more they should pay the teachers to motivate them to teach the kids better.

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He said whaaaa??

2011-02-14T22:13:00.000-05:00

So today I totally forgot to wear red for valentine's day. Anyway, a teacher had a red heart she gave me to put on my shirt. So I walk into my kindergarten class and shortly after, a little girl came up to me and said, "Michael said you have a heart on."

You know, that was about ten hours ago and I'm still chuckling over it.

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really dumb riddles

2010-10-24T09:44:00.004-05:00

Q. What do you call men who barbecue when it's foggy outside?

A. Grillers in the mist.

Q. What do you call these men when they congregate among your group?

A. Grillers in our midsts.

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a dumb pun

2010-07-18T16:07:00.001-05:00

Q: Where does Phil Collins record?

A: In the stu-stu-studio.

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uhhhh, whaa??

2010-07-09T20:00:00.001-05:00

"What should I do with this suppository?"

"Shove it up your ass!"

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Still Another Neither Brunette nor Redhead Joke

2010-05-22T08:04:00.003-05:00

So this big important CEO of a very well known corporation receives an envelope marked Confidential: To be opened only by the Addressee. After reading the contents, he realizes that were this information to leak out, it could spell the end of the corporation.

He puts the documents back in the confidential envelope and hand delivers it to his neither brunette nor redhead assistant and says, "Kandi, I want you to go to the copy room and shred this immediately!" She darts off while he rushes to a board meeting.

After the meeting, he approaches his assistant and asks, "Did you shred that item I gave you?" and she says, "I certainly did, Mr Bitterman!"

"Wheeew," sighed the executive.

"But just in case you change your mind," the assistant begins, "I made a copy of the documents and put them in your bin in the mail room!"

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bigoted much?

2010-02-02T07:42:00.001-05:00

If you are Hispanic, do not read this post.

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yet another non-brunette nor redhead joke

2009-11-21T19:46:00.001-05:00

A neither brunette nor redhead complains to her friend: "I don't know why people think escalators are a time-saver. It took me forever to get to the second floor."
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huh??

2009-10-24T07:25:00.001-05:00

Why is it a bad thing to text while driving, yet it's OK to bang an address into ones car's navigation system?
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acts of God

2009-10-17T18:41:00.001-05:00

My homeowners' insurance policy says it doesn't cover "acts of God."

But what if you're an atheist?
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a sad day

2009-10-03T08:28:00.002-05:00

If you like little kids and puppies, then don't read this article.

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a million years

2009-09-30T05:03:00.003-05:00

"I wouldn't have guessed that in a million years!"

How often have you heard that as a response to a query you've posed? Here's how I'm going to respond next time someone says that:

"Well, DUH! It's not like you're gonna live to be a million years old! Besides, after a million years, who's likely to remember the question??"

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12 "for," 11 "against," teens abstain

2009-09-30T04:53:00.003-05:00

Panel votes to restore abstinence education money
The Associated Press
Tuesday, September 29, 2009; 11:31 PM

WASHINGTON -- A Senate committee voted Tuesday night to restore $50 million a year in federal funding for abstinence-only education that President Barack Obama has pushed to eliminate.

Well, if there is anything good to come out of this, it's that the move will result in more taxpayers to help defray the $50M costs.

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rest room? I don't think so.

2009-09-13T13:08:00.003-05:00

Please read my article, Worst Men's Room I've ever had the Pleasure to Visit, for a firsthand look at what restaurants are passing off as a customer courtesy these days.

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more dating advice

2009-07-24T17:34:00.004-05:00

Here's some dating advice from one of my single buddies, learned the hard way - once again.

After first meeting a new girl, under no circumstances, no matter how much it may seem to apply, are you to say, "That's cool! Is that your stripper name?"

Deal killer, right there, let me tell ya.

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the new GM

2009-07-11T07:25:00.004-05:00

"Good news, sweetie!" the mother began, "The all new, Gov't run General Motors will be trying to get younger buyers such as yourself into their nearest showrooms!"

Bad news, however, is that the nearest showroom will be 250 miles away.

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07/08/09

2009-07-08T17:13:00.000-05:00

Read here for a bit of insight into a rare phenomenon on the occasion of 07/08/09.

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chass titty boner

2009-06-12T19:49:00.002-05:00

Well, I see that Chastity Bono has come up with yet another ploy to piss off her mom.
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