Cynicism and the City

Chalk and cheese.

2011-03-06T14:03:00.000Z

It's Sunday and much to my dismay my week off uni is coming to a close. With most of the other foreign students at home for the week or travelling Europe it meant that Gem, myself and GA (Gay American) ended up spending a lot of time together. This was an interesting dynamic.

Awkward at first, it took a while for us to get to know GA properly. We'd spent some time with him but always in a larger group. I was maybe a little worried that there would be a bit of a clash which there was. We are different in just about every way:

1. He's nineteen, I'm twenty one. It shows.
2. He's optimistic and the 'happy-go-lucky' type. I'm not.
3. He's a republican. I'm not extremely well versed in US politics but I think I know enough to say that I'm not.
4. He's really confident and has no trouble talking to anyone, even in French. I'm not and do.
5. He's still a virgin and waiting for a meaningful relationship but doesn't mind getting sucked off in the toilets from time to time. I could never judge anyone considering the things I've done.
6. He gets pedicures. I don't.

Okay so this sounds like a barely disguised attack in his personality but we actually got on really well. A love-hate relationship I suppose. Most of our conversations did descend into arguments but he's obviously an intelligent guy and I really enjoyed hearing a completely different point of view on pretty much every subject. I've really loved arguing with him. I also respect him for wanting to wait for someone special to have his first time. I mean it may not be my style but he is only nineteen and already employs responsible decision making - well done.

Talking of meaningful relationships I stumbled across this video on YouTube and it may well have melted my ice heart ever so slightly:

Black Swan

2011-02-28T12:25:00.000Z

If you hadn't heard the Oscar buzz around this film you either live under a rock or have no interest in movies. The other day my friends and I searched out a screening in English with no idea what to expect. After the credits rolled our opinions were divided (GA hated it saying that he enjoyed 'happy' films only) but it was probably one of the best films I've seen in a while.

Now I'm no expert but I thought a lot of it was extremely well done. The camera work was not really like anything I've seen, frequently staying close to the character's faces in an almost claustrophobic manner, keeping you on the edge of your seat throughout.

I read somewhere that Natalie Portman (who won Best Actress last night) and Mila Kunis had to train for six months, five hours a day and it shows. Despite being sickeningly skinny it was strange seeing actresses who we know dancing en pointe with ease. One of my friends even said in shock 'Oh was that Natalie Portman? I thought it was just a random ballet dancer!'

The storyline was also clever and tight and it takes some working out in your head afterwards. It would have been interesting to see the result if Darren Aronofsky hadn't strayed from reality at various points in the film but these nevertheless punctuated the main character's state of mind and were downright chilling. Labelled as a companion film to 'The Wrestler' I will definitely be checking that out too. Oh and not to forget the lesbian sex scene which was surprisingly really hot!

Unveiling.

2011-02-21T10:42:00.000Z

I don't really know why I feel this is so important that it warrants a post about it but - I've changed my profile picture. There are a few reasons for this:

1. The previous photo is about two and a half years old so essentially irrelevant.

2. I like the new photo better.

I also feel like there's some explaining to do:

1. The eyes are blocked out in true 'London Preppy' style more for my own peace of mind than anything else. It's not as if someone who knew me and looked closely at the photo wouldn't be able to put two and two together.

2. The pose is bordering on cringe-worthy which is why I like it.

3. It was taken just before I left for France last August and my appearance has changed slightly since then. Namely I now have a middle-lip piercing (had that done over here on a bit of a whim) and more facial hair (largely because I'm too lazy to shave).

Trop trop beau.

2011-02-19T16:41:00.003Z

Just a quick update as today I feel rough. The reason being that last night was kinda messy.

It gets to 5pm and I have every intention of making food and spending the evening in my sweats but I get a text from GA (Gay American) asking me if I'm bored and want to go to a flat-party his neighbours are having. I accept mainly because they're French and any opportunity to practice speaking with real people is a bonus and walk over picking up Gem (Irish best friend here) and a 2€ plastic bottle of wine on the way.

The party is fun but not good enough to prevent us leaving to go out to some clubs but as it's Friday everywhere is absolutely rammed. GA has an idea saying he knows someone who knows someone and we somehow end up in an invitation-only party in the basement of a restaurant. The music is amazing and with drink flowing we dance 'til around six before stumbling back into the bright artificial lighting of upstairs.

Now that a lot of alcohol + dancing = me looking a state, and wanting to make a swift exit I make my way down to the street but a guy in a check shirt blocks my way. I recognise him from downstairs in the club and thought he was staring over slightly more than the usual. He's drunk but manages to slur out what I think is 'Tu aimes les mecs? T'es trop trop beau...tu veux rentrer avec moi?' - basically asking if I want to go home with him. I'm slightly creeped out and obviously refuse but I end up giving him my number more to get rid of him than anything else. I mean, he's not bad looking, dressed well etc. but he's the type of guy who makes you shudder.

I've had three missed calls and two texts from him this afternoon - forward much?

How not to date.

2011-02-17T13:32:00.002Z

As promised, probably my best friend here had three friends over from Ireland to stay last week. After a long build up I was pretty much dreading having to meet them on my own - I'm awful at group situations/meeting people.

It's Thursday and 9pm rolls around all too fast and the plan is for me to walk round for pre-drinks when I'm ready so at about half 9 I'm dragging myself up the steps to the flat. It's not as bad as I think as they've been drinking in the airport, on the flight, on the bus and are knocking back yet more as I sit myself down awkwardly. I put on my best smile and whip out my 'I'm cute and you'll love me' routine and the conversation flows easily. Hardest part over.

More people come over later on so we leave the flat to go to a bar and bam, not wanting to blow my own horn but it's pretty much straight away, I get individually attacked from all sides when each member of the group starts asking me questions like 'So, what do you think of Neil? He just told me he thinks you're really hot' and 'Do you wanna get with someone tonight?' Now Neil (not his real name) is the newly single gay friend and I actually think he's attractive but nothing happens that night for reasons that are threefold:

1. I hate the whole 'Tell your friend that I think he's hot' situation. Some of my friends do it but I'm a strong believer of 'If he wants it, he can come and get it'.

2. I've kinda forgotten how to deal with guys and aside from the carefully created image of myself that I piece together so I can be seen in public, I do not see myself as a attractive at the moment.

3. I only make the first move on very rare occasions.

Neil and I play the flirting game all weekend - him being slightly too interested in what I have to say, me not being able to hold eye contact. We get a little bit too close at various points over the many nights out but in the end he leaves with only my promise of a visit to Dublin which I think we both know I will not keep. Shame.

A few posts ago I mentioned the horrific November French guy vom fiasco. Well I hoped I'd never be reminded of the event but last week I received this message on Facebook:

'Hey,
Je t'ai vu à la fac de lettre aujourd'hui, j'ai pas osé venir te dire bonjours, que deviens tu?'

Roughly translated this is:

'Hey,

I saw you at uni today, I didn't dare to come over and say hello, what have you been up to?'

I don't particularly like him, don't have any interest in seeing him again but I see him everywhere. I still haven't messaged back. I might make small talk and then if he wants to do something say (lie) that I have a boyfriend. Awful.

I'm not bitter.

2011-02-14T18:51:00.006Z

Those of you who were met with this brightly coloured, fairly eye offensive logo when you went to search something today will know that it's the big V day. This is even if, like me, you were fully prepared to pretend that today is no different than any other. Cheers Google.

To avoid using the actual word I've decided to come up with a few adjectives beginning with 'v' to describe how I'm feeling:

Vexed
Violent
Volatile
Vindictive
Vicious
Valone.

Hope you've had a good one.

France.

2011-02-08T20:13:00.007Z

What seems like years ago and just yesterday at the same time (05-09-2010), I packed my life into a single suitcase and left the country, and I haven't been back since.

The Beginning...
...was really tough. Flight prices meant that I had to fly to the 'wrong' place and negotiate my way to Aix-en-Provence armed only with a few words of broken french, after not studying it for a year, and a (forced) smile. Eventually arriving in one piece I checked into the hotel I'd booked and had just a week to build my life from the ground up and looking back I honestly don't know how I did it. It's strange remembering times when I sat in Quick at 1am using the wireless Internet, without a place to live and knowing absolutely no one. I had to stop myself from freaking out every few minutes with my eternal mantra of 'You can do this...'

All that seems like a world away now though. I'm enrolled at the local university and have been taking classes and sat exams up to now (in french/with french people) and I actually feel really settled. Insane.

Aix is like a town from a postcard and absolutely beautiful. The home of squares with elaborate fountains, streets lined with designer shops and the people who shop there. Sometimes it doesn't feel like I'm living in the real world. Although I'm brought back to reality every time I go into uni as it's an absolute state/looks like a war-zone. With strikes due to the new retirement age plaguing much of my first months we regularly had to get around blockades of tables and chairs at entrances and stairways to get to class. How exciting.

Boys
= there are none. At the start there were a few gays from the US that I knew of but they were generally just awful. Okay awful is maybe a bit harsh, I just wouldn't have gone there. Apart from that I have had physical contact with a total of 1 guys since I've been here and it was a lot less than a perfect experience:

Okay so it's November and I've found out about this monthly gay night which is periodically advertised around uni. After much deliberation I decide I'm dragging two of my friends along as my newly developed phobia of homosexual men has gone far enough. I of course think it'd be too cringe if I wasn't completely shitfaced so I drink two beers and a bottle and a half of wine before I leave the flat. Needless to say I'm absolutely fucked. I remember getting to the club, getting yet more drinks and hitting the dance floor and then blank. Next thing I know I'm waking up in some guy's bed who I do not remember meeting. There is my sick all over his floor and he's talking really fast french to me so I have no idea what he's saying. I manage clean up a bit and ask him where I am and how I get to back to the centre of town and end up on a walk of shame at 10am with vom down my jeans. - It's nice to know I haven't changed but honestly, I'm too old to be doing things like this.

Strangely enough this guy wanted to see me again but I obviously couldn't handle the shame so it nothing more ever happened. I've seen him around uni a few times. Awkward.

Other opportunities to stave off celibacy as yet haven't presented themselves. There's a weekly gay night at one of the bars which I obliviously tried to get into but was turned away because it was too late. The bar is called Cha Do and judging by look the type of guys who go I think it might be short for Cha Doh! I got with someone fugly last night. I'll go if I get desperate (/have lost my mind) and report back.

Friends, Old and New
You know they say that when you move away you realise who your real friends are? I have experienced this...in odd ways. A few of my 'friends' have become psychos to the point where I'm not sure I want to speak to them ever again. They seem to have forgotten that I have a life here that doesn't include telling them every detail of my life in a Facebook message every day. This has gotten a bit out of hand of late with one of them deleting me and then ignoring my request. He has since then come crawling back but I'm being ruthless standing my ground.

One of my other friends who I'll call 'Crazy' (for humorous purposes) is just that and more. If you're gonna message me with things like 'I think of you as my boyfriend' and 'I miss the intensity of us' I will not want to pick things up where they left off when I left the country - I'd rather never return.

The friends I've made here, however, have surprised me. I was fully prepared to have acquaintances but essentially spend most of the time on my own. I mean I know they are special circumstances and I don't have any illusions as to how long we've actually known each other in real terms but I have met some really good people. One of them has three of her friends from home visiting this weekend (one of them gay). Seen as I'm a social retard I'm kinda worried. When I've obviously been talked about I always feel like there's some kind of pressure to live up to a preconceived view of me. I should probably just man-up and stop over analysing.

I'll be back with updates.
Over and out.

Another year gone.

2010-05-28T12:22:00.007+01:00

I'm sat on my bed typing this with The Temper Trap's 'Sweet Disposition' on repeat and feeling strangely nostalgic. I feel like watching a sad black-and-white film/listening to piano solos.

I finished my exams this week and have pushed them to the back of my mind where they'll stay until results come out. Alone in an empty house, I've been left to my own devices and free to think almost every waking hour of the day, maybe too much. Doubts about the future have crept into my mind and the truth is, I'm scared I'm gonna get left behind.

This is the third year all my friends and I have been at uni. The third and final year of study for them but not for me. This does not give me a good feeling inside - the same feeling I get when I think of good times passed. Norah Jones' debut makes me cry because of this feeling as it reminds me of some of the best holidays of my life in the Sun of France, Spain and Italy and how they'll never happen again.

The fact is, the people closest to me are progressing with their lives and will go wherever their lives take them while I'm two years behind. This absolutely terrifies me. I can't help but ask myself how long it'll take them to think of me as their old friend who isn't relevant to their lives anymore. I guess I think that when the next academic year comes around I'll have no one left. This thought is perhaps more brutal for me because I haven't already had a flawless university experience. If I had the chance to do it all differently I'd take it in a heartbeat. With everyone moving on, it seems I'll go to France alone and come back after a year to a void where my old life used to be and be alone. This would probably be a fitting end to my studies.

I've even started to have worries about my fail-safes, friendships which have always been absolutely concrete, people I know I can always turn to. Amy for example, we don't spend the most time with each other but it's always been understood that we both need each other. I won't see her for ages but she'll text me something or I'll reread a post on Myspace (I love how no one uses it anymore. It's like a perfectly preserved time period of when I was an early teen) and it'll make me feel so much better, like I'm worth something. She gives me so much strength. Will this love affair fade? Will she ever tire of my life inexperience and outgrow me? I don't think I could bare it if we drifted apart. She's one I couldn't live without.

So yeah. Another less than perfect year passed and I still can't seem to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I suppose this all boils down to a fear of loneliness but after a me-shaped hole is cut out of England come August, I'll just have to hope that hole will still be there when it's time for me to return. Hope that it will still be remembered. Is that too much to ask?

Back by popular demand.

2010-05-19T13:01:00.005+01:00

So recently I've had what some might call a dry spell. After getting a steady stream of sex for a long period, February saw it end abruptly. This was kinda caused by all of my 'fail safes' getting boyfriends or moving away (although the ones with boyfriends asked me repeatedly to come back to theirs, it turns out I do in fact have morals) but this hasn't stopped me feeling a bit shit about myself since then, thinking I'm inadequate/the Elephant Man etc. This was up until Monday night which was probably the best validation I could have had.

The Raz
It's Monday and against my better judgement I'm persuaded to go out to a club in Liverpool called the Blue Angel. Now this is the kind of studenty club where everyone gets absolutely twatted off the cheap alcohol, is really sweaty/dirty and no one cares. There's a phenomenon named 'Raz Juice' which is basically a mixture of sweat and dirt which drips off the ceiling and runs down the walls due to the heat, collecting on the floor. I went in with white pumps on and needless to say came out with black ones. Yum.

The Boy
I'm with one of my best friends outside while he smokes, he finishes and we walk back into the club. He then points out this guy he recognizes on the other side of the room. I look over and he's beautiful, as in actually gorgeous and I'm told he's bisexual. My friend's shown me him before during a Facebook stalk and he's the type of guy you talk about getting with as some kind of dream. I jokily suggest we go and stand near him at the bar and before I know it we're pretty much next to him. He gets served, gathers his drinks up and turns to walk away. This is when he sees me and we maintain eye contact for what seems like forever. He seems interested.

After getting drinks and going downstairs to dance I don't really think there's much chance of anything happening as The Raz is dark and people are difficult to find in the best of times. However, I carry on dancing and much to my surprise beautiful guy is dancing not too far away. This is when I shock even myself. It's like old confident, care-free me takes over (well I'm not sure I've ever been totally care-free) and I start dancing with him. Now this is a straight club so it's not like I give him a lap dance or anything but I make it clear I'm interested. He makes it clear he's interested too and I end up spending probably most of the night with him.

At this point I'm not going back to his. New mature me who thinks about the consequences far too much is screaming at me to go home with my friends at the end of the night. Later on he eventually tells me he's going to the toilet and asks me if I want to go back to his after that. Still adament I'm sleeping in my own bed alone I say something super sexy like 'I'll make you a deal. You go to the toilet and if you can find me when you're ready to go, then I'll go back with you'. He accepts and I make myself busy finding my friends and making sure it's incredibly difficult to find me. Find me he does though and, leaving my friends, we jump in a taxi outside.

The rest is pretty much just a blur of drunken, sweaty sex but before all that we actually have a long conversation about stuff which is odd. I seem to remember talking about foreign films and his film collection before any clothes come off. The following morning could be less awkward but I'm still kinda drunk which makes me not really care. He refuses to put clothes on and walks around naked which normally would make me uncomfortable (I'm weird like that) and tries repeatedly to get me to stay longer. I politely decline saying I have to meet someone (a lie) and that I'm already late. He shows me the way out and on the bus home I ring my friend to tell him all the gory details. It turns out that this guy's actually a model and is signed to Storm Model Management. I'll let you ponder over which one he is.

I have his number. He's clearly too good for me. To text or not to text?

Pot Luck.

2010-05-08T01:26:00.004+01:00

Wow. Was it really November when I last posted? Has it really been that long?

Since it's been so long I feel like I should be able to write about something fantastically amazing which has happened in the past few months but, in truth, there hasn't really been anything. Every time I think I'm done with blogging forever it always sneaks up on me, whispering that it's not something I'm ready to leave alone. I'm come to realise that it's probably more for me than anyone else. Looking back at things I've written just a year ago is odd so I can't even imagine how it'll be ten, twenty years from now. I guess, after much deliberation, I simply haven't run out of things to say.

A quick run down of the past six months or so: disappointing housemates, a new year gay bashing, passing previously failed exams, too much alcohol, too many drugs, too many nights out, just the right amount of dancing, not enough meaningful encounters, not enough meaningless encounters, growing up, one guy wrongly thinking I gave him crabs and then telling everyone he knew, dependency on friends, building bridges with family, a sleazy dating website, planning a holiday abroad, planning a year abroad, a nation election and an undesired outcome.

I'll probably explain the most important of the above eventually but one is of particular relevance right now. Today I watched a film entitled L'auberge espagnole. It was a thoughtful Christmas present from my sister which I just got around to watching about a French man who travels to Barcelona on an Erasmus exchange. If all goes to plan I too will be going on such an exchange to Aix-en-Provence near the south coast of France. To be honest, I'm absolutely terrified. Before now I've kinda shrugged it off as something I'll just deal with when it happens.

The film prompted me to start looking at all the forms I have to fill in before various deadlines and it's really hit home how much uncertainty there is involved. I'll be in similar circumstances as the Romain Duris' character in the film as he has very little idea of what to expect. I'm the same. I'm basically going to be moving into place with complete strangers in an unknown town in a country where I don't speak the language nearly as well as I should. I mean yeah, I'm excited but also realistic about the first few weeks - they'll be nothing short of excruciating. It also doesn't help that having failed a year I know none of the other students who will be joining me from my university as they're all from the year below. By time I get there I won't have studied French for over a year as well.

Term starts in September. Wish me luck?

Emotionally Detached.

2009-11-14T21:31:00.000Z

Posting has admittedly been erratic at best recently. The reason being I've found it hard to drum up the motivation/inspiration to write a good post.

In all honesty, I feel a bit dead inside. It's like I'm waiting for something meaningful to provoke a strong emotional reaction. I'm sick of the usual, tired of the everyday.

It's Thursday the 5th, it's Dave's birthday. As predicted, the fireworks of Guy Fawkes Night have been shirked in favour of a night in 'gay town' (what we kids call the area of gay clubs in a city) with an unlikely group of his friends and some of their friends. Throughout most of the night I take refuge in the few I know well, rarely dipping into the polite superficial conversation needed for others. I'm just not in the mood - it's odd to think I actually make friends sometimes.

A few incidents of one of the group hitting on me and asking Dave if I'm a top or a bottom make me want to talk less to people. The guy in question is the most notorious player on the scene - I'd never go there. Moving on to the final club sees a few guys showing interest and that's when it hits me. Yeah some are attractive but I don't care. I literally don't care about getting with them. I don't think I'd get much enjoyment from it and I don't really care about their feelings. This applies in a big way to Mr. Six Doors Down as every time we slept together I felt like I was somewhere else. Completely not into it. Gone are the days where I used to run after guy who wasn't all that hot just because he showed interest. It's like I now need something more than just looks. I'm not sure what's happening here. Am I growing up?

This comes as a severe blow to my planned slaggy stage. Now I don't want to be in a relationship but it seems I won't just sleep with whoever either. I feel a bit lost. My internal engine, coughing and spluttering for a good while, has died once and for all and looks like it needs a vigorous kick start. The thing is though, I have no idea how I'm going to go about finding the increased emotional connection I so obviously crave. I feel like I'm singing the chorus of Leighton Meester's Somebody To Love and I want someone to sing Robin Thicke's part to me (to be fair I'd be happy with Robin Thicke singing anything to me - he's sexy as hell). These days it's got to the stage where I know too many people on the small Liverpool gay scene, personally or by reputation, and they in turn know everyone else. It's like it's impossible to meet someone you know nothing about, impossible to have a completely private relationship.

To complicated things I've been getting texts from an unknown number. The first one was 'Hey big boy x'. After me asking who the sender was and them refusing to tell me but instructing me to ring in five minutes saying that they had a 'surprise for me' I said I'd rather sleep through my hang over and haven't texted back since. I don't know who this person is but if they're trying to hit on me they're going the wrong way about it. The only lead I have is that the person keeps calling me 'Tommy' in the texts. The only person I can think who calls me Tommy is the coach. This is not good.

Emotionally Attached.

2009-11-03T11:57:00.005Z

So I've been seeing a guy for a while now who lives about 6 doors down from me. After a few 'chats' where I've explained I don't want anything serious and that I'm not willing to be exclusive, he's argued extensively with me and said we should end it. Then he's come running back saying that he'll do everything on my terms. Each time this has happened I see a 'Danger' sign flashing in my head as he's obviously ignoring his true feelings and is going to get too involved which will inevitably lead to a mess when I end things. I previously thought he could handle it but:

It's Thursday. I'm due to go to a house party for Mr. Six Doors Down's housemate's birthday. I've already explained that I am in no way going as his 'guest' but of my own accord. He responds to this by pretty much ignoring me for about two hours. It gets to about half twelve and we all decide to move on into town (i.e. the party is awful) and suddenly he's showing attention again. I act a bit uninterested and decline his offers to buy me a drink in each of the bars we go in but I'm fairly at ease with the situation. This is until his mate comes over and starts insulting me and saying things like 'Everyone thinks you're just the posh boyfriend.' I know he's drunk and just trying to be funny but there are two very wrong things in that sentence. 1. I'm not posh - how would he know anyway, he's Irish. I think people get that impression cuz i'm nice and articulate, but my dad was a farmer and I'm a northerner born and bred, 2. He actually used the 'B' word. There are clearly some serious issues I need to deal with.

This is further emphasised by the fact his other mate come up to me and asks if we almost 'broke up' last week, referring to an argument we had. I carefully reminded her that you have to be together to break up, turned around and fought my way to the bar. Not a good start to the night. I'm still optimistic things will pick up as we move on to the gay bars.

I meet up with other people and have fun with them but I can always feel Mr. Six Doors Down's presence close by. It's making me uncomfortable. There are two potential people I could at least kiss or exchange numbers with but I feel like I shouldn't in front of him. In the after hours bar I'm talking to a guy and the owner of one of the clubs comes over and pulls me aside. It's the rival to the club I used to work at (yeah, used to) and he tells me he wants to buy me a drink and that he knows I'll go home with him. I politely refuse but he goes to the bar anyway. I follow him and tell the barman not to accept his money and I pay for it myself. He tries it on a couple more times so I make it clear that nothing's going to happen and leave.

Much to my surprise Mr Six Doors Down is stood outside by himself - waiting for me? He says we should get a taxi together and we do. We get out where we live and ok, this bit's a bit hazy but we have a massive argument. He says something which makes me angry and I end up literally screaming at him. So loud that people start turning their lights on and looking out their windows seen as it's around 5am. I'm not really sure what my counter argument is but it's a good one and shuts him up. We say we'll talk tomorrow and go our separate ways and I'm left feeling like an awful person.

Since then things have been a bit weird between us. I've clearly gone off him in a large way and he hasn't and therefore doesn't quite know how to deal with it. When we see each other out it's really awkward, made decidedly worse when he tries to kiss me and I back away. I don't really know how to deal with this.

Oopsy Daisy.

2009-10-25T22:32:00.005Z

It's been a while, eleven days to be exact, since my last post because my life's been a bit crazy. I'm not really sure what's brought this craziness on but I haven't been home alone much at all.

I think the best song to describe me and my actions right now is Chipmunk's new song. In between flirting with other people's boyfriends at parties and drunkenly calling a guy that I know he's a slag when he tells me that he wants to be monogamous to me, I'm fast becoming the person your friends warn you about.

I can't say I'm overly bothered about this though as one thing I've always been is honest. In the past week I think I actually used the line 'The lyrcs of Taio Cruz' most recent song really apply to me right now, are you sure you still wanna do this?' This doesn't excuse all behaviour as you can't really say 'Yeah, I killed your family. I'm being honest about it though so it's fine...' Here it's more of a 'This is how things are and the state of mind I'm in. If you don't like it/if it's not what you want, then you don't have to get involved'. This usually doesn't simplify matters though as many guys seem to have hidden what they really want and look like they're gonna blame me when they get hurt.

The reason for this sudden plummet in general morals and loss of ability to treat guys well is something I can't really pin-point. Up to now my conscience has always been too strong and I've always been the one to be hung up (if you haven't noticed). I think those days are now over maybe owed to the fact that, once looking for a guy for a relationship, I'm now looking for THE guy. While my standards for sleeping with someone have probably gone down I would say the opposite has happened for being in a relationship with someone. I just hope that I don't amass too much of a reputation before I find Mr. Right or he may well pass me by.

More to follow.

Twilight.

2009-10-14T12:52:00.004+01:00

"When you can live forever, what do you live for?"

I know it's a bit late to be jumping on the bandwagon but I watched the film Twilight for the first time last night and as much as I hate to admit it, I really did like it.

Hearing mixed reviews my hopes of it being fairly entertaining weren't high. I was expecting some unoriginal, superficial vampire story which I'd probably fall asleep in. I was pleasantly surprised to find that the performances of the main characters are excellent and the plot is, while obviously not the best ever, extremely easy to get involved in. There's one scene where Edward (Robert Pattinson) stares at Bella (Kristen Stewart) across the school car park. I want someone to look at me like that.

Ok, so maybe I'm a bit biased but the way Edward treats Bella is just captivating. He wants her so much it hurts. Yeah he wants her blood but it's portrayed so sensually that it's impossible not to feel the heat between them. I want someone to want me so much that it hurts. Stories like this slowly chip away at the cynicism, even realism, that tells me I'll never find true love.

Stop playing with my delirium.

2009-10-11T16:25:00.009+01:00

I've been listening to this Ladyhawke song on repeat for about 2 hours straight now. I just feel like it applies somewhat well at the moment.

I've started to miss Ty. I was obviously more emotionally involved than I previously thought. This would be ok if it weren't for the fact that he's dealt with the situation in one of the worst ways possible, and if I'm honest, it's cutting me deep. His seemingly only method of communication with me these days is via all too public status updates on Facebook, his recent being:

"You treated me like a king then cut me down. Be seen or be silent, Lifes too short, deaths too long, And you were never worth it."

If you're gonna slate me please don't do it with Facebook and please be grammatically correct. Despite wanting to post on his wall with 'Hey! You're playing with my delirium' I refuse to engage him in this way. It's the lowest of the low and just serves to show how immature he can be at times. I hate the part of his personality that he projects on Facebook. It makes my blood boil and illustrates how I was never a real part of his life even when I was with him. I don't think he's ever gonna change and prioritise anyone in his life and for that I am sorry. He could potentially be quite a catch.

Apart from this I've been going through a bit of a mental crisis with the whole 'work environment'. This basically came to a head on Saturday night and thinking about it, my mind's made up. Finishing my shift as usual I walk into the office to collect my coat. In there is the single manager who hates my guts for absolutely no reason. He's clearly been watching me on CCTV all night and says that it makes no sense for PR staff to finish at 2 and tells me to go back out. This conversation follows:

"I can't I'm afraid, I've arranged to meet a friend."

"You said that last night."

(In an altogether annoyed tone) "No. It was my mate's Birthday last night, this is a different mate."

"I don't care. There are loads of people on the street which could be in the club. If you're not out there we're losing money."

"The people out there are all straight and going home. No amount of good PRing will change their minds at this time."

"Get back out there. If you don't, we'll go out of a business and no one, including you, will have a job."

(Not wanting to lose my wages) "I can give you another 15 minutes and that's it."

I know it sounds spoilt but I can't be treated like this when I've done nothing wrong. I accept he has a business to run but he's not even my boss and he can't impolitely tell me to stay just when my shift has ended. Who is he to question what I do outside of work hours?

This week I've seen 15 year-olds snort cocaine, had three of the barmen say they're gonna take me home and 'have their way with me' and seen one such barman get his penis out and wave it around in front of me when alone behind the bar. I get bad mouthed by the straight people on the street, touched up by the creepy old gay men and abused by most of the senior staff. I'm too innocent for this. I used to have a beautifully boring life with no comprehension of this kind of reality ever applying to me. I mean it's not like I can't deal with it all, I just don't want to have to. I think it's time I took a step back and got my head into gear.

For these reasons I've decided to work this week and then never go back.

Break-up.

2009-10-06T17:58:00.002+01:00

Sunday night consisted of a quiet night in, a feel good film and a ridiculous amount of food. The company being Amy, the film being the old faithful - Bridget Jones' Diary and the food in the form of 2 large Dominos pizzas. Bliss.

The reason for this was because I broke up with Ty the previous day. Even though it needed to be done and was what I felt was best, that didn't make it any easier. I wanted to do it face-to-face but true to form he was too busy to even see me for the next week so I admitted I'd had enough over the phone.

We talked for a bit, well I talked at him, he was mostly silent which meant that I had to do the actually 'Let's end this...' It wasn't fun. He made me feel like I was the one who'd ruined everything somehow which made me kinda angry if I'm honest, even though I did cheat on him. He doesn't know that though and I think it'd just be mean to tell him.

Almost a direct result of the break-up (that, a few too many doubles and a club with many dark corners) I had sex with someone else last night. Can someone please explain to me why I'm such a slut all of a sudden? This guy's a friend of a friend who I've been kinda obsessed with for a while. He's absolutely beautiful and lives about six doors down. Convenient. He's invited me to go round tonight. I'm aware this has been a shit update but I'll keep you posted - literally - and do a better one soon.

Guilty. Zero guilt.

2009-10-03T16:03:00.002+01:00

Ok. Get ready to lose any remaining respect you have for me.
I'm a cheat and the thing is, I don't even feel guilty about it.

It's Thursday. I'm working. Amy faithfully comes to see me near the start of my shift so I don't have to struggle through as much time on my own. It's fairly uneventful until Dave, Steph and Mr. Shirtless Barman come from their Hawaiian night out dressed in grass skirts, flower wreathes and wigs. It's a strange sight and talking to them for a bit provides some entertainment. They go into the club and out comes a guy I honestly don't recognise but who clearly recognises me. He comes over and the conversation goes something like this:

Him: "You don't recognise me do you?"

Me: "Yeah, of course I do." (Lie)

"My name's *name*. I spoke to you for a lengthy period last week."

(Clearly still drawing a blank) "Of course. Are you having a good night?"

"Better now I've seen you."

So we get talking. Well, he talks, I listen for about an hour. He's clearly drunk and during this time I discover he's liked me 'from afar' for a while and tried to flirt with me a couple of times but it hasn't worked. He's hot, I wonder why I can't remember him. He also gives me his life story about coming from a small town in Northern Ireland (sexy accent I might add) and thinking he was straight. This is all well and good but I don't really wanna hear it and continue doing my job and shouting drinks offers etc. to passersby. When it comes to the end of my shift he's difficult to shake. I walk in to collect my wages and get my coat and he follows me. A witty exchange follows and I convince him to go to a different club as I'll be going later.

I stay and have a bit of a dance with Steph and Dave and then move on to the next club to meet up with another group of people I know. I walk in and right in front of me is the hot guy from last Saturday. I'm a bit taken aback. It's so completely orchestrated. He knew I'd be working tonight and also knew I'd be going to this club afterwards. He's all over me and I'm suddenly running out of excuses why I shouldn't reciprocate - the fact that I have a boyfriend just briefly entering my head.

The following hours blur together and soon enough his friend comes over and says she's leaving. I ask him why he's not going with her and he says he wants to make his own way back but not too soon afterwards he asks if he can stay at mine. At first I say no but I have little will power these days and eventually get into a taxi with him. I explain that although we'll be sleeping in the same bed we are not, under any circumstances, gonna do anything.

We have sex.

After he leaves, in the morning, I know that I can never see him again. He'll always be the guy I cheated on my boyfriend with. I text him saying that I'm not over someone and that last night made me realise that it wouldn't be fair to him if we got into anything. He takes this well and says that I should call him when I'm over everything. I tell him I will.

Excuses time. I'm young and should have fun, things are obviously not working with Ty and I've decided to break things off when I next see him, I'm young, he was hot, I'm young, I'm a bad person.

Last night. I'm doing my usual work night ritual of drinking cider and getting ready whilst dancing to Cheryl Cole. I quickly check Facebook and am greeted with a status put up by the attractive barman who apparently 'melted' when he saw me. I'll call him MM for short and i know he'll be working:

"MM is getting ready for a night of sitting at my little paydesk engaging in whitty banter with the door men and spying on my fitty, bliss."

Overlooking the fact that he's spelt 'witty' wrong, this is again about me. My shift goes by without incident apart from the fact that I'm working with a new drag queen. I can only describe this experience as fabulously bizarre, one which I'll be repeating tonight. We'll see how it goes.

The Cheating Curve.

2009-09-28T23:29:00.012+01:00

"Is cheating like the proverbial tree in the forest, that it doesn't exist if there's no one around to catch you?" - Carrie Bradshaw. Sex and the City: Season 2, Episode 6.

I am fast becoming a really bad person and am probably gonna find this out for myself at some point in the near future. In other circumstances I'd defend myself, make excuses and blame this on many things such as:

1. The fact that my job basically showcases me to the gay community.

2. Ty starting uni has meant he's been neglectful.

3. There's an insanely hot guy involved.

I'm past making excuses though. It's all on me. This is not to say I've cheated already but the way things are in my head it looks like I've rationalised that it's the best option. I can't for the life of me think how I've managed to do that.

It's Friday. I'm walking home from work at about half 2 in the morning and a hot drunken Irish man bumps into me and asks if I have his Blackberry. This somehow leads to me walking him home, him giving me a tour of where he lives (an amazing apartment block converted from an old church) and trying to kiss me and get me in his bed. I refuse saying that I have a boyfriend of course and keep telling myself that I only accompanied him to make sure he didn't get lost, raped or killed. This isn't true though. I think I just wanted to see if I could go through with it and not do anything with him. Despite many opportunities, I managed to refrain. I'm proud.

It's Saturday. I'm working again. It's coming to the last hour of my shift and as well as seeing many disgustingly unattractive people there have also been one or two hotties. One such hottie walks down and just stands next to me as I'm heckling people to go into the club and shouting drinks offers. This doesn't look too odd seen as it's 1 am on a Saturday - people everywhere. When he doesn't move for a while I ask him if he's having a good night. He responds with a drunken, fairly ambiguous answer and we get talking. At first I think he's a cocky twat who thinks he can get what he wants. Then, as we talk more, I realise he is in fact a cocky twat who thinks he can get what he wants.

Despite repeated insults I stand my ground and give him as good as he gets and it slowly breaks away to barely concealed flirting. It's hot. There's so much heat between us it's untrue. After yet more endless banter he comes and stands about a centimetre away from me. He stares into my eyes, tells me I have a beautiful smile and then leans in for a kiss. Much to my surprise I pull away quickly and tell him that I can't kiss him whilst I'm on duty and that rules are rules. He accepts this and is like 'What about later?' I tell him that I'm not kissing him tonight and that he's probably just looking for a quick shag. He says that he's not like that and that he won't leave until he has my number. I give him my number. Every moral fibre in my body is telling me to let him know I have a boyfriend. I don't.

So yeah. Shoot me now. We've kinda been texting. He's probably the most perfect guy ever. He works at a dance academy and teaches everything from street dance to hip hop etc. and before you ask, he's in amazing shape - I could tell that from a mile off. He loves his job and is so proud of the kids he teaches. He says he's been messed around by a lot of guys and that he's sick of it. He's also a man. Knows what he wants, goes after it.

My boyfriend doesn't return any of my calls or texts and thinks it's perfectly acceptable to say he's too busy for me to visit but then have his friends from home visit him. He also only rings me when he's waiting for someone/something or travelling somewhere. When he's on the phone to me, more often than not, he'll talk to someone else for ages while I'm still on the other end of the line and completely ignore me. This, however, does not mean that I am at all in the right. I'm just in a bad situation. I'm gonna have words with him. After a ridiculously short period of time, it's not working out. I'm clearly really bad at relationships and/or life.

Welcome to The Future...

2009-09-23T23:22:00.008+01:00

You'd think it'd be a safe bet that my favourite website on the whole of the Internet was porn related. Surprisingly enough, it isn't.

I found Future Timeline a while ago whilst satisfying my urge to search for information about skyscrapers and urban developments. I have to say I'm kinda hooked on it. I've read it through 'cover-to-cover' at least five times over and because there's so much information there's bound to be something I've forgotten or skipped over previously. It also has regular updates and is slowly filling the gaps between what will happen from now until the end of the universe.

It may not be accurate, it may not always be completely scientifically correct, but I think it's amazing. It uses various sources around the Internet to back up much of what it predicts and references everything. This ensures that it isn't just fairytale but actual possibility. I just find it so interesting to see what kind of technologies may be available to us in the future. I get ridiculously excited about it.

I'm such a geek.

Deeper down the rabbit hole.

2009-09-21T20:11:00.006+01:00

Recently my life's been kinda crazy. There's so much to write about so I'm gonna skim over the dull, boring bits so I can get to the good, juicy bits.

I found out I failed last Thursday. This was of course a massive shock seen as I worked ever so hard all year. In a day I sorted my life out. I found a place to live and soon enough traded a mate's sofa with a bed I can call my own. I also got a job. That's the interesting part.

It's Thursday. Shirtless barman is working at his club and I'm out with Dave amongst other people so we inevitably spend most of our time in that particular club. The night wears on and despite not having the best time ever we stay until closing time. It turns out that all that's left is a small group of us including the drag queen DJ and bar staff. Thanks to Dave's link with Mr. Shirtless Barman we're invited to a private room downstairs for 'after-hours drinks'.

It's like nothing I've ever seen before. Through double doors we're met with a sauna, weights area, private bar, jacuzzi and a screened off room with leather sofas and a flat screen TV - I assume this is where they watch porn and have orgies. I'm still off my face a bit but taken aback by everything all the same. At this stage I'm feeling a bit like Alice in my very own wonderland. We sit on a circle of sofas and chat and there's a mixture of drink and drugs going on around the room. It's completely bizarre. Not wanting to do anything too hardcore Dave and I decide to leave early, not before me being offered a job. They say I should start the following day. It all happens so fast.

Ok so the job isn't the best in the world - I'm PRing outside the club. Basically I'm one of those really annoying people who tries their very best to make you go inside and spend money. It's not even particularly good pay either. I'm ashamed to say the reason I'm doing it is because taking a job like this means you're well and truly on the scene. Everyone either knows your name or wants to know it, that's guaranteed after a month or so. Already I feel like I'm falling far into the gay world, gathering speed. However, there are a few things that worry me:

1. The management staff scare me a lot. They're a bunch of seedy gays, their natures perfectly illustrated by the fact that when I had to get changed in front of three of them they made me turn around so they could stare at me without a shirt on. I feel like I'm too innocent to be violated in this manner.

2. The owner is the type that'd be like 'take off your shirt or you're fired'. I know that's illegal but I just don't wanna be in that situation. I'd of course say no and leave.

3. There is the possibility of me developing a serious addiction to coke/crystal meth/smack. Not good.

4. The room downstairs is basically made for various sex acts. I may actually just end up sleeping with everyone, contracting HIV and dying. I'm not sure I can help myself.

Point four is emphasized by the fact that after just two shifts I've been offered sex about 15 times. A man even drove up in his car, wound down the window and thinking I was a rent boy, asked if I wanted 'some fun'. Not too long after that incident an old man wouldn't leave me alone, kept saying I was 'absolutely gorge' and repeatedly tried to hold my hand saying it would 'make him hard'. I was mortified.

In a less horrific sense, the temptation to cheat on the first boyfriend I've ever had is mounting steadily. One of the few attractive barmen obviously went through a lot of effort to find out my full name so he could add me on Facebook. A quick look on his profile and among a conversation with one of his mates he said:

"I was working in (the club) last night and this lad came in and you know were ye just melt on the spot. he was v fit, he works there ha, i'll just quietly stalk ha xx"

That's about me! No one's ever said they 'melted' when they saw me before! I can't stop thinking about it. His mate replied:

"Sicko....do yu not learn anythin!
why stalk when yu can pounce? especially if he works in there with yu! i just fuked off the lad i was seein coz he was a head fuk! when have i ever bin so strong :]
GO FOR WHAT YU WANT MRRRR!! dont be a looooser haha xx"

To which he responded:

"Hahaha naaah hes outa my league! go you being head strong. i hate head fucks, theyre confusing and play too many games! cant beleive how much of a fitty he was ha, he's prob got a bf. xx"

Ok so firstly, why can no one spell/type correctly anymore? Secondly, the barman who said this is hot. Thirdly, I have a boyfriend. Ty is far too cute to fuck around. He's been cheated on by both of his ex boyfriends. I hope I'm not like that. I have every intention of being monogamous but the thing is, I don't know myself well enough to predict things at all. Having never been in this kind of situation, who knows how far my conscience will stretch? When it comes to the crunch I myself am not even sure how heartless I can be when faced with a willing male I'm attracted to. Here's hoping I don't mess everything up. I'm gonna need your prayers.

Meeting the parents.

2009-09-11T18:23:00.006+01:00

So, after being at home and basically coming out for the second time, I travelled back to Liverpool Wednesday night. I went to the cinema with a friend and stayed at theirs and then realising I still have nowhere to live I thought that I may as well take advantage of my boyfriend (it still feels weird saying that) and his double bed in Helsby.

I end up asking Ty if he's free on Thursday night and if he'd want me to come over. He says that he's having a barbecue with some friends and that they really want to meet me. I clearly haven't thought this through. Not only will I be meeting his friends for the first time, not at uni yet, Ty is still living with his mum and step dad. Come 6 pm I'm absolutely terrified. I fix myself up as best I can and wearing a baby blue t shirt which I'm hoping brings out my eyes, I walk down to catch the train from Liverpool Central Station to Chester where I'll change for Helsby. Arriving at Chester station with four big bottles of Jacques cider in a bag in one hand and over-night stuff in the other, I realise I can't deal with this situation in completely sober state and lock myself in a cubicle in the station toilets. In my twenty five minute layover I down one of the bottles, purchase chewing gum from the nearby shop and try my best to board the correct train.

That was a BAD decision. I'm now fairly drunk on a train I've never been on before on my way to meet my bofriends friends for the first time. Throughout this last leg of the journey I repeatedly ask myself why I'm so much of a social retard I feel I need to get drunk to meet people.

Ty meets me at the station with one of his friends. She doesn't seem too happy to see me but I'm not in a state to care too much. From there we go to a pub and meet three more of his friends and then drive to the nearest Tesco in search of meat for the barbecue. I try my best to be pleasant and strike the balance between being too outspoken and too quiet. It seems to work as they do warm to me despite the fact that they all clearly have very strong personalities in comparison to my shy nature.

Meal plans quickly deteriorate into ordering pizza due to it rapidly getting dark so we make our way to one of their houses and drink and chat. At various points I'm bombarded with questions about myself. I handle these well, reminding myself that I am the oldest person in the room and should be able to deal with everything. I'm also a bit drunk. The hours go by and soon enough it's just myself and Ty stumbling to his house, me praying that neither his mum or step dad are still awake.

We get there and I'm half disappointed. His mum's still awake. In spite of myself I do want to meet her. I mean this is a bit earlier than planned, it's only been a week since we've been together, but I hate the fact that Ty does most of the leg-work in our relationship and thought it was about time I went to him. Meeting his parents is just a by-product of this. Unavoidable. I say my 'Hello' and 'Nice to meet you' in the most polite way I can muster whilst she eyes me up skeptically. I think she realises it's too late for a full vetting and Ty shunts me off upstairs to his room. It's cute apart from the green walls with red skirting boards, picture rails and radiator. Ever heard the rhyme 'Red and green should never be seen'? That applies here so much so that the decor is kinda hurting my eyes a bit. Yeah alright, I'm a snob but my mum is the queen of all things pastal and colour matches to perfection. This, however, is made up by a huge squashy, comfortable double bed which we both fall into, exhausted.

Now I'm not really sure what the protocol is for having sex and doing stuff while a guy's parents are in the house. I soon find out though as things get heated and Ty sucks me off evidently with the intention of getting me off. I stop him and say 'That's gonna make me be loud. I really don't wanna be loud.' He tells me to 'Be a rebel' and 'Take a risk'. I tell him that if he says more things like that I'll knock him out. He laughs and slowly gets to work on persuading me not to be so cautious. Whatever he does it works and despite hearing his mum in the other room I gradually start to care less and less about how much noise I'm making. After we've both 'finished' I can't help but imagine his mum saying 'Who is this older boy who comes into my home and defiles my son?' It's a thought that continues to haunt me while I sleep.

The next morning I'm woken by a man's voice on the other side of the door saying 'Get up you lazy bastards. Do you think this is some kind of hotel?' I take this to be his step dad and bearing in mind I know he's been in prison, even these words in a non serious tone are enough to send chills down my spine. I have to admit, the prospect of meeting him scares me a lot but I'm definitely not willing to show it. When it comes to actually getting up (Ty can sleep forever in the morning which generally leaves me lying awake, stomach crying out for food, for hours) we're in a rush to get to the train station but just as we're leaving I spot the film Meet the Parents on the top of the TV. I'm ever thankful my experience has been nothing as dramatic as that. Out the door I stop and say 'Am I not going to meet your step dad?' Ty assures me that it's best I don't even after my protests. I just think it's extremely rude to be in someone's house and not even see them. It's like I'm trying to sneak around or something.

The long walk that follows reveals a lot of things. It sounds to me as though Ty's had the life I've always wanted. As he points out the places where him and his mates used to play at the ages of eight, ten, tweleve, fourteen, it makes me think about my childhood. I never really had friends where I lived. I wasn't the most out going of children and generally found it hard to make friends a the best of times. Throughout high school I fell into the 'geek' category and don't really have any exciting stories to tell of my younger years as they were mostly spent indoors, alone. Now I've left much of this person behind. I don't think the people I meet now would be able to guess the person I used to be as, as far as I'm concerned, it is a different person. I just find it strange that me and Ty have reached similar points in our lives via completely different paths - it's just taken me two years longer. This is not to say that we're similar inside just what we show people. I'm completely sure that he doesn't carry half the craziness and insecurities I do.

I finally catch the train and spend the long journey back to Liverpool with thoughts of the impressions I made on his friends and mum. I hope to god they're good ones as one thing I cannot deal with is people thinking I'm inadequate. I know he's spending the day with them tomorrow and have every intention of ringing him so he can dish the dirt on what they thought of me.

The house hunting game.

2009-09-05T13:24:00.005+01:00

Seen as I have absolutely nowhere to live at the moment and have failed my exams another year in Liverpool looks to be on the cards. I admit, I've jumped the gun a bit by searching online for flat/house shares as I don't have results yet but there's no harm in being prepared, right?

A couple of days ago during my search I stumbled across a website called 'Pride Roommates'. I couldn't help myself so I followed each section and ended up signing up and to be honest, I'm kinda shocked at the whole set up of everything. I know looking for a room/roommate is a big deal because you're gonna be living with these people but having to put down in-depth details in an intricate profile seems a bit far - one person's already asked me to send them a photo of myself. Apart from being in disbelief for a bit because of this it also makes me wonder - since when did searching for a room become so much like searching for a relationship?

This website also sports quotes from 'real' users who have successfully found the perfect place to live/person to live with. One even says that him and his flatmate started dating and are still together after 3 months, apparently eternally grateful that they found each other through the website. I just can't believe that a selling point for the website is that you may potentially find your other half as a by-product of finding somewhere to live. Am I the only person that thinks it just should not be done like that? I might be being narrow minded here as after all, our lifetyles are so fast these days that who's to say you can't skip the first few months of your relationship and move in with each other straight away? Weird.

I, however, will not be looking for love on flatshare websites for a number of reasons, one being that Ty is now officially my boyfriend. He came round Thursday night, we went out and just happened to be where shirtless barman works for part of the night. Don't worry though, I wasn't all over Ty or anything. To the average onlooker we were just friends - I definitely wouldn't have stooped to that level - and the fact that shirtless barman was there had no effect on my relationship status. Although it's gonna look like that to a lot of people, I haven't just jumped to the nearest guy because I want to prove to everyone I can get a man.

Anyway, we were talking afterwards and I basically told him that I knew I wasn't going to France and that, staying in England, I would not want to see anyone else. This is all true. I turned a corner that night. Seeing Ty for the first time in 6 weeks jolted me a bit and pushed me in what I hope is the right direction. He said that he feels the same so we basically just agreed - obviously really romantic. The morning after I had a bit freak out. He was still asleep next to me and I couldn't help thinking thoughts like 'What does he expect from me now?' and 'What if this ends badly?' I'm absolutely terrified of a bad break up. I don't think I could deal with that. I've kinda got things under control in my head now though and have just decided to go with the flow.

I still haven't spoken to Dave. This is becoming far too drawn out for my liking. I'm worried that when I actually do speak to him I'll have forgotten why I was mad at him and not say any of the things that need to be said. I need to speak to him soon. I'm going out again tonight, seen as I obviously have nothing else to do, and I've got a feeling he's gonna be out as well. That'll be fun.

I also told one of my oldest friends I'm gay today. I was sat on the sofa comtemplating it after we'd spoken on the phone - he's just got back from America. I felt just as sick as I had done telling coming out to Amy almost two years ago. It just doesn't get easier. He's been acting so ok about it it worries me. I always want people to get everything off their chest and ask me what they want but he's just been like 'Yeah, whatever.' I'm gonna have to actually see him in person next week as he's insisting we meet up. Despite almost bringing my lunch back up at this thought I'm glad it's happened. It means I can actually be his friend again rather than avoiding him. This is progress.

My usual walking route to the train station takes me past a block of offices with always the same man at the reception desk. Since I came back to Liverpool four weeks ago the desk has been empty but Thursday night, walking down to meet Ty, there he was like he'd never been away. I hope this means that things are finally looking up.

Betrayal and anger.

2009-08-31T12:54:00.003+01:00

It's Tuesday. Dave hasn't spoken to me since the Thursday night we went out and ran into Mr. Shirtless Barman and I'm starting to get a bit annoyed that he's not answering my phone calls seen as he has my coat and the weather has taken a turn for the worse. Coatless and feeling snubbed I'm sat in the library when I receive a text from him saying:

'Hey you! I know I haven't really spoken recently but I have to tell you this. . . . . . I know you got (shirtless barman)'s number a bit ago and you wanted fun with him and stuff but we've been talking for a while and we've decided to give it a go and see!! Miss you mate. I wanted to tell you myself btw but I was too scared to say it on the phone. xxxx'

Don't be fooled by the jovial tone of the text, I know Dave well enough to know that it's a total ruse to get what he wants. All in all this makes me feel like absolute shit. A few mini-mental breakdowns and spontaneous outbursts of screaming later, I finally sent him this message on Facebook yesterday:

'Dave.
Sorry I haven't texted back but I've been kinda busy with resits and stuff so I was like 'Right, I'll talk to Dave when I've thought about everything' and I literally haven't had chance. I'm also not texting you this cuz I've got the feeling it's gonna be pretty long and I know you're at Creamfields.

What you texted me obviously doesn't make me feel the best ever but it's not like you stole my boyfriend or anything so I'm sure I'll get over it. It also comes as a bit of a shock to be honest seen as your exact words when I pointed him out were 'Er, he's not hot'.

Not really sure why you couldn't have just rung me beforehand and been like 'I wanna make a go of it with (shirtless barman)'. That would've been far better I reckon.

Other than that you've shown in the past that you're not too bothered about my feelings so I'm pretty sure telling you my opinion wouldn't really change anything - and let's face it, whatever I'd have said, you'd still have done what you wanted. You'd just have lied about it. I'm not gonna try and make you feel guilty about it all either cuz it well wouldn't work, you just care about Steph having a go at you for everything.

Anyway, thinking about it kinda tires me out so I can't really be arsed caring. I'm clearly absolutely AWFUL with men so you may as well take advantage of that. I'm happy for you and I'm sure it'll work out.'

Yeah ok, there's a whole lotta spite in there but it all needed to be said. I'm just so exhausted about everything. He's continued to treat me like shit and stamp on my feelings ever since we met and I'm so sick of it. Not really sure what he'd message back, I was hoping for something with a bit more sympathy and understanding. Instead he said this:

'Don't be so bloody serious YOU, it's me you fanny!!!!!! Don't feel so down about everything........... and what's happened has happened I know!!!! Don't be a ninny, it's me....... and btw, I don't feel bad about (shirtless barman) cuz you liked about 6 lads at the time lol!!!! Anyway, you have to come round this week, AND GOOD LUCK FOR ALL THE EXAMS (you not thinking about stuff until after the exams was a good move btw matey) Love you yano mate, I do!!!!! (and I know you know that too) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx'

Again, don't be fooled by the good natured tone, it's all with ulterior motive. He's shown that he not only doesn't care that I feel bad but also wants to make me feel like a fool because of it. Me of about 6 months ago would have crumbled at this stage, before this stage in fact, and apologised for acting so silly and asked if he would forgive me. He still thinks I'm like that but I've grown up a lot since then. I'm not gonna take this. Apart from sending him a message back telling him exactly how I feel I need for him not to be in my life for a bit.

Some of you may think I'm being a bit over dramatic and maybe I am but right now I don't care. I need to do this for me. I need to get out from under Dave's constant shadow. He always wants me to be second best, the least attractive, the least wanted, the least well known, the least loved and I can't deal with it anymore. I've realised that he works constantly to keep me alone and there for him all the time. I'm not saying he stole shirtless barman just so I wouldn't have him but on some level I'm sure that was a plus point. I'm just at a loss at how he thinks it's completely acceptable to do what he wants as long as he acts apologetic.

I'm fighting a strong urge to systematically destroy him and his confidence, like he's been doing to me piece by piece.

Not so untouchable.

2009-08-24T19:03:00.006+01:00

Recently I've taken a liking to sitting in toilet cubicles, staring at the enclosed space and thinking about my life. To have the walls tower above you while you're sat with your knees up on the top of the toilet for some reason really puts things into perspective for me. This scene has been even more inviting today for someone that knows they've failed their resits and therefore won't be going to France for the coming year. I mean, it's not like I've got the results yet or anything and I've only sat one exam, but I know I've failed and I'm never wrong.

In my head I should be freaking out but I'm not. I mean I have no accommodation planned and I definitely won't be wanting to return home. There is also the fact that I've failed a year. But all I can think about is how this puts me in a dilemma, do I continue to work towards the rest of my resits knowing I've failed? Both you and I know what the sensible answer to that is but I am clearly not a very sensible person when it comes to exams. Right now, for some strange reason, Girls Aloud lyrics are stuck in my head from their song 'Untouchable':

Without any meaning,

we're just skin and bone,

like beautiful robots dancing alone.

Thinking about it they're kinda appropriate because they echo my state of mind at the moment. I feel like I've lost purpose. I'm not sure how to go about rebuilding my life. Yeah ok, I haven't lost a person close to me or been through a natural disaster or anything but it's still a set-back.

I brought it on myself, a really long run of awful decision making and lack of discipline. The only thing left to do now is deal with the consequences.

It's odd to see the projected outcome of things before they happen. I already know what's coming and will now see it all unfold. I'll sit five more exams, leave early after methodically writing out each question like I'm going to attempt the answer, leave the correct amount of space but do no calculations. I'll chuckle to myself at how deep the hole I've dug myself is as I slowly trudge back to an empty house where I'll eat tasteless food and while away the hours rereading sections of a copy of Men's Health with titles like '10 Sex Things She'll Do This Summer', 'Is She Faking It?' and 'Give Great Oral' struggling to apply them to my own life, then I'll sleep alone in a bed that doesn't belong to me.

I'm expecting negativity or inappropriate positivity from a lot of my friends when they find out. I've already got a reaction from Amy. She's holding down the proactive side of things and that's what I need the most. I knew I could count on her for that. She's my anchor. I don't want fake 'You may not have failed' which Steph will come up with or 'What a pickle' from others. If you're gonna tell me that please leave quickly through the nearest exit before I throw you out.

In any case, I'm pretty sure I can see storm clouds on the horizon and it feels like all I have is a sieve to keep from getting wet.

Dreams and desires.

2009-08-21T22:57:00.006+01:00

I'm sat watching an altogether unknown series called Tripping Over. It's really good. I've also just passed up chocolate and crisps (chips to you Americans) for a bowl of tinned salmon, salad and extra-light mayonnaise as a late evening snack. I can be so disciplined when it comes to food it makes me wonder why I'm not like that in more areas of my life. I just find it so easy to fight cravings and say 'no' to unhealthy meals. I think it's the masochistic side of me. Like in a twisted way I enjoy restraining myself from the happiness of fatty foods that taste amazing. Strange.

A couple of nights ago I had a dream about Ty. In the dream we were walking round a city with a group of other people and I kept losing him. This was really frustrating as he was the only person I really wanted to be with, I didn't really care about the other people. I woke up feeling dissatisfied and wondering what it meant. Well, I think that's pretty clear. This, and a few other things have made me break our stalemate. I hate saying that a dream was the motivation for me doing something but it just made me look at him differently. A lot of the reason I've had so much trouble with him is because of ME and MY insecurities. If I can't face up to them and get over myself then that's seriously something I have to work on. If I pass my resits then I want the last couple of weeks to be good. I want him to remember the best parts of me while I'm in France. If I fail them and have to stay in England then we'll take it from there.

I went out with Dave last night. It was the first night we'd gone out together in a while and it was fun. Coincidentally we started off in the club where the shirtless barman works and sure enough he was behind the bar. I have to say I dealt with the situation BADLY. I'd sent him a few drunken inappropriate texts throughout the week and he hadn't replied. So we go into the club, Dave spots him and because he knows him says 'Hey'. I blatantly ignore him. I spend the rest of the night trying my best to look as cool as I possibly can without looking like I'm trying. It's exhausting work and the night passes painfully slowly. I really don't know how to deal with everything so I do what I do best and ignore it. Shockingly enough, this does not get me what I want. Wow. Reading that back I sound like a spoilt slut. Maybe that's what I am. Bothered.

In other guy news, seen as I'm a whore, the hot guy who asked me for my number last Sunday added me on Facebook and hasn't texted me since looking at my profile. Lovely.

In reference to my last post I'm definitely leaning more towards sex maniac, however unsuccessful I am right now. I'm hoping that when the right guy comes along I'll be able to drop this act and adopt the perfect boyfriend role. Only time will tell if I'm capable of that in my current state of mind.