10. You are sitting around when a girl you know is a real bitch comes up to you and says, “You look really put together. Like you aren’t on drugs today.” Your response, “Well, that’s normally the way I tolerate you. Too bad I don’t have that buffer today. Damn those twelve steps.”
9. You have been ranting and raving on the phone about a sucky day you are having when this woman, who is publically breast feeding and has her tits hanging out for all to see, tells you to be quiet because this language will corrupt her child. That’s when you hand the homeless crackhead ten bucks and tell him to grab her tits. That will put her in her place.
8. A rich snob that lives in your neighborhood is putting you and your buddies down again for hanging out on the stoop and laughing loudly. Tell the junkie ex-con who you know has committed a string of robberies in the neighborhood she has twenty bucks on her.....
7. Your roommate has a lady friend you can’t stand that is always making backhanded comments about how you dress when she is a bleach blonde with a bad die job. Casually mention your cousin is getting out of prison after twenty years because he strangled his girlfriend with her bra, stuffed her panties in her mouth, and dumped her body by the train tracks. Then tell he wants to come visit next week to see how much you have grown, and likes platinum blondes.
6. You know this girl who is always doing things for attention. Lately she is claiming a Jamaican guy sexually assaulted her just to see a guy infatuated with her beat someone up. Look at her pretending to be concerned and mention, “I know plenty of Jamaicans. And they never assault anyone with a flat chest. At least not as far as I know.”
5. You are at a gathering when a girl who is dressed like a treasure troll in drag continually makes jokes about you being a slut. Turn to her, smile, and say, “Why? Jealous I get some and you don’t. Im sure if you looked under the draw bridge your Froto would be there for you.”
4. A crazy girl who has been sending you nasty notes on myspace and making your life hell blogs about how she is a responsible mother and how people don’t understand how hard it is. Meanwhile the slut had the four kids to three guys at sixteen. You should comment on the blog, “Wow, must be hard work being a breeding lump. I mean , you lay down on your back a lot but still, gold star for a job shamelessly done.”
3. You recently got a promotion at your job and this girl who is clearly jealous of you is bad mouthing you saying she can’t believe you got it and she didn’t. That’s when you say, “You can’t believe it. Oh ye of little faith.”
2. You see a girl you went to high school with that is a total princess in every respect of the word. When she sees you after years of having not had contact, acts as if she is disgusted by your appearance. That’s when, as you calmly sip your coffee say, “By the way, I contracted Hep C not long ago. Want a sip?”
1. If any of these responses illicit a challenge for a cat fight by any of these party’s tell them you would fight except it is against your policy to assault the mentally handicapped. And then summon the nearest officer of the law when they are yelling and screaming and say you believe they wandered out of a group home and could he help them find their way back. And walk off into the sunset. [more]

Author: April Brucker
Category: Blogs
Keywords: mean girls cat fight
Added: Fri, 6 Nov 2009

 
10. You see your cousin walking in drunk and drugged out of his mind with a stunning new woman on his arm. He mentions casually she works as a hooker. Your response, “Man, it must suck to have a chick that cheats on you every time she goes to work.”
9. Your cousin and her husband, the newlyweds of the family, are hosting the holiday. Your cousin’s husband mentions that they served the food the night before to their friends and are saving money by doing this. Your thought is, “Your friends are rich snobs. At least they washed their hands.”
8. You and your cousin are watching football when the fat ass mentions he is known as Mr. Triple Team by his prep school football squad. He says it’s because he can tackle three guys at once. Meanwhile you know every time he farts three guys fall down.
7. Your cousins are in from the trailer park and the oldest son of this family has just been released from the psych ward. Apparently he is supporting his illegitimate child by working as a lab test subject. His father also adds this is the best job his son has ever had.
6. During dinner your slut aunt who is cheating on your uncle steps out to call her boyfriend. Your uncle is drunk and depressed and passes out. Their children are crawling under the table biting people’s ankles and getting kicked. Your slut aunt is quick to say, “Careful, they might have diseases. I should know.”
5. At dinner your aunt who cannot deal with the fact her son is gay mentions he got abducted by aliens yet again. She has him show the supposed probes in the back of his head and mentions that she saw the UFOs last night and they are coming back for her son. To protect her she mentions she has her Ouija Board where she plans to channel the spirit of J. Edgar Hoover.
4. During the phase of the meal where people name things they are thankful for your grandfather says, “That I’m so old that if I killed your grandmother they couldn’t send me to prison for too long because I will be dead soon.” And then he passes out.
3. As a family craft you are making turkey’s by tracing your hand. However, your cousin who has been struck by lightning (and survived) three times cannot partake. It’s because he is having a bad reaction to the electrical socket not so far away.
2. You open the bathroom door to pee and turn on the lights. Lo and behold your grandmother is using the bath tub to mix the stuffing.
1. Thanksgiving makes you remember when times are tough you have family. But when you have family, that’s when you need egg nog with plenty of Southern Comfort. [more]

Author: April Brucker
Category: Blogs
Keywords: thanksgiving family
Added: Fri, 6 Nov 2009

I got an e-mail urging me to see what my friends are doing on Myspace. I just found out my friends and I have no life. [more]

Author: PJ Brown
Category: Blogs
Keywords:
Added: Thu, 5 Nov 2009

My father needs people in his life. Who else is he going to blame for his mistakes? [more]

Author: PJ Brown
Category: Blogs
Keywords:
Added: Mon, 2 Nov 2009

My dad's a douchebag and I have proof. He owns a Linkin Park CD, he uses Axe body wash, he upstaged Taylor Swift... [more]

Author: PJ Brown
Category: Blogs
Keywords:
Added: Thu, 29 Oct 2009

How come when someone has grievances with their family, someone dismisses it as having Daddy/Mommy issues?
 So does that mean Holocaust survivors have Hitler issues?
I hate Kanye West, or should I say I have Douchebag issues?  [more]

Author: PJ Brown
Category: Blogs
Keywords:
Added: Thu, 29 Oct 2009

Thanks to modern medicine, many forms of cancer are no longer considered a death sentence. Sadly, there's still no cure for lethal injections. [more]

Author: PJ Brown
Category: Blogs
Keywords:
Added: Wed, 28 Oct 2009

My wife Jenny and I have two conditional rules in our three-year-old
marriage ― once a month I
am allowed to sleep with a hooker and when she is away for extended periods of
time, I am allowed to sleep with our neighbours’ 18-year-old daughter Nancy
Smith. Now the only conditions about these two rules are that my wife is never
allowed to find out about either the hookers or randy Nancy.

Being a writer, I spend most of my day at home while
my wife works at some bank (who’s name I am not allowed to mention) as a consultant.
I spend at most about five months a year really writing; the other months are
spent promoting whatever I have written and mowing the lawn or something. Depending
on my mood and emotional health, some months or years I simply just take off. This
means that most often I have a lot of time to kill by practising my hobbies
such as growing peaches in our backyard or bedding Mr and Ms Smiths’ youngest
daughter.


Nancy’s
visits used to be a once-a-week thing due to her possessive boyfriend and her
busy schedule as a first-year medical student, but the weekly visits were fine
with me since I was only fucking her for the experience of her tight vagina and
her fetish to be tied up. Months later when my wife caught us in bed together
for the first time, Nancy was getting fucked like a dog with her head forced
into the pillow and her hands tied behind her back ― a scene my wife labeled as “barbaric” and
“distastefully brutal”.
After about a month of
screwing around,

Nancy
dumped her possessive boyfriend which meant that we were able to play on a
daily basis. Each morning after my wife left for work,

Nancy would attend her first class of the day
which usually involved biting and bondage. The sweet “ding dong” sound of the
front doorbell ringing while I laid in bed reading the paper went as well with my
coffee as blasphemy. My first-touch with sunlight for the day would usually be
when I open the door for

Nancy.
Her routine ― yet irritating and redundant ― question of “Is the lovely wife
gone?” would usually be the only words out of her mouth not dictated through screams.
I usually respond by saying: “I am going to fuck you so hard you are going to
split in half.”

Nancy’s
daily visits opened up the windows to both experimentation and wariness. When
my wife caught us for the second time together I was once again entering

Nancy from a rear
position. This time the words “In here” were written on

Nancy’s lower back with a black marker and an
arrow was pointing towards her anus ― unlike the previous time, my wife
refrained from making a comment.
My affair with

Nancy
became the oyster garden for my inspiration as a writer, but not for my life.
Even though a lot of work was being done behind the typewriter and behind the
18-year-old sexual prodigy, I kind of became bored with life. Screwing

Nancy behind my wife’s
back was exciting to a certain extend, but I had a bigger lust for wickedness. At
the tender age of 27 I have achieved tremendous success by means of simply
minimising my workload and maximising my self-confidence and persistency. But
despite all of that, I have simply run out of ways to enjoy the simple things
in life. It started to feel that every day I lived and every single thing I did
was just another forgettable moment that has passed. The more I searched for
excitement the more erratic my behaviour became, especially my new-found habit
of touching myself while in conversation.
My sudden change in behaviour and my refusal to go for
therapy did raise some questions among my loved ones, especially my beloved wife
(who won’t learn about my and

Nancy’s affair for another three months).
Jenny was starting to feel guilty and she admitted that due to her long hours
at the office, she was neglecting me. I wasn’t that bothered by Jenny’s “negligence”
because I was too busy fucking

Nancy
and maintaining my mini orchard to even notice that there was a distance
growing between me and my wife. I was however very amused by the irony of the
entire situation since I was convinced that my wife was having an affair with a
co-worker, Michelle Olwagen. My suspicions of my wife having an
extramarital relationship with a female co-worker didn’t bother me even the
slightest bit; for starters, I was busy fucking a barely legal teenager on a
daily basis and secondly, it’s not like some other
guy was putting his fat cock inside my wife.  And even though I have never met or seen
Michelle Olwagen before in my life, I knew someone very well who knew her very
well.
It was a Thursday evening and there wasn’t a cloud in
the sky when I drove through the city on my way back from a meeting with my
publisher. I was waiting for the green light at a robot when my eye caught two
superfine women standing on the street corner; the one was smoking a cigarette
and the other one was exchanging words with a distinctive gentleman who looked
like a policeman. Judging by the way the women were dressed and the quality of
the area, the thought that they were hookers didn’t even pass through my mind ― I would rather have mistaken them for two
power-dressed lawyers than streetlovers. But when
they approached my car with a charismatic “Hey there, you” I knew that they are
the type of women who only accepts cash.
Now I have never really gone as far as my brother to
actually sleep with one of the princesses of twilight, but it has always been
somewhat of a hidden desire and definitely in the top spot of my to-do list. If
this part of my life had a chapter, I would have called it: “Meeting the other
end of the rope”.
Prostitutes have always been similar to a good movie
to me. If a lot of different people pay money to go see a movie, it is most
certainly a box-office hit. The same goes for a prostitute. If many different
guys, who could rather fuck their wife or girlfriend, would go so far as to pay
a woman to fuck her, then her box must surely be a hit.

The two prostitutes that approached my car must have
been somewhat of an upper class or
new to the business, because they were too well groomed for a hooker ― especially the way the one’s pubic hair was trimmed
into the shape of a half-moon. The same night I saw the one prostitute’s
moon-shaped pubes, I learned that she does prostitution as a part-time job and
to “watch people act frail”. I found this absolutely intriguing.

That first night I met my two new friends ― Moonflower and Gothgirl69 ― I bought
them both. They were so cheap, it was literally a buy one get one free special.
I took them to a Holiday Inn near my house because it would raise the minimum amount
of suspicion and most importantly, it was convenient for me. Since I am the
type of guy who has enough confidence in his sexual performance, I don’t do
threesomes or orgies. So when we approached the elevator, I told Moonflower to
kindly wait in the bar area while I take her friend, Gothgirl69 (which turned
out to be a competitor), to the hotel room so we could get things up to business.
After I did both of them and paid for their drinks while they waited their
turn, I gave them their money and assured them that we would hook up again ― I did, however, only continue
seeing Moonflower.
From there on it became a regular thing. The sex I had
with the prostitute, Moonflower, was passionate and gentle and the sex I had
with

Nancy was
violent. My wife, who still haven’t found out about my affairs, kept on working
long hours and I was still convinced that she was sleeping with that Michelle girl. Now and then my
wife would query on the bite marks and bruises on my body.
Once when I contracted a mysterious rash on my dick (most likely from Nancy,
but it turned out to be Moonflower), I narrowly escaped being caught out before
telling my wife that I got the rash from her and that she might be suffering
from some fungus on her virginal area (luckily for me, Jenny just happened to
have a fungus on her left lip which she contracted from Michelle).
It was close encounters like these that made me master
the art of lying to Jenny, usually about the origin of my injuries.  Sometimes I even
confused Jenny into believing that she gave them to me during some sexual
brawl.
“Those are your handy work my love,” I would often say
to her before accepting her apology which was usually followed by a
missionary-style fuck. It is when the sex life you share with your wife is
degraded to plain old missionary style that you know that the spark is gone.
But in the rare times that I did however made passionate love to my wife, it was usually with anger ― not the angry sex that I
had with Nancy, but the type of angry sex that says, “What the fuck have we
done to each other?” Sometimes Jenny wanted our lovemaking to be soft and gentle;
I preferred thrusting her like I was paying to do so.

The morning my wife caught me with

Nancy for the second time, I thought that it
was over for sure. It was only after an embarrassed

Nancy left and my wife and I sat down at the
kitchen table that she confessed to having an affair.  My wife told me that she was suffering from
depression and that the affair was with a female colleague; she further told me
that her lover had decided to end their eight-month affair after meeting a man.
As I held my wife I felt her tears running down my chest ― which still carried the aroma of
Nancy’s pussy― and at that moment I told
her that I only slept with Nancy three times and that she caught us two out of
the three times. But whether my wife believed me or not about the “three times”
I had been with
Nancy, it was the truth when I
told her that I would never see

Nancy
again. After four months with

Nancy,
we have literally exhausted our imaginations and our sexual abilities ― there
was simply nothing more humanly possible that we could do in the bedroom.
After my wife confessed to
her affair with Michelle Olwagen, we didn’t separate. It had absolutely no
affect on our relationship as most people would imagine. We did however start
to have somewhat of a steamier sex life ― Jenny even allowed me to butt-fuck
her ― and she also started seeing a therapist to help her deal with her
depression. Jenny and I agreed to work harder at our marriage, but I wasn’t
able to let Moonflower go. With

Nancy
out of my life and my wife under the impression that the holes in our marriage
were all patched up, I was able to continue my affair with the prostitute.  One evening when my wife was out with friends,
I invited moonflower over to our house for the first time.  She told me that due to the feelings she
started to have for me after months of sleeping together, it was no longer
necessary for me to pay her. She sex that followed was the worst sex I ever had
with Moonflower; I guess since money was no longer involved it just wasn’t the
same. That night was the final straw in my marriage. When my wife caught me for
the third time with another woman, she did have a comment.
“So this is the jerk you
have left me for, Michelle?” [more]

Author: Albert Hayden
Category: Blogs
Keywords:
Added: Tue, 27 Oct 2009

My dad doesn't like new technology. Case in point, he still washes by hand. I think it's because he's part Amish, which would make him a Blemish. [more]

Author: PJ Brown
Category: Blogs
Keywords:
Added: Mon, 26 Oct 2009

Where did we get the phrase "The Devil made me do it"? Are forensics so good that we can find hoof prints and traces of brimstone? And would he use one of his many aliases in the event of a manhunt? If he was arrested, who would play Devil's advocate? Would he have to swear on a Bible since he's known as The Prince Of Lies? [more]

Author: PJ Brown
Category: Blogs
Keywords:
Added: Mon, 26 Oct 2009

Comedian Soupy Sales has died. He's headed for that pie-in-the-face in the sky.  [more]

Author: PJ Brown
Category: Blogs
Keywords:
Added: Fri, 23 Oct 2009

A Justice Of The Peace in Louisiana refused to grant a marriage license to an interracial couple. But he allowed the black spouse to take his last name in slavery. [more]

Author: PJ Brown
Category: Blogs
Keywords:
Added: Fri, 16 Oct 2009

Web hosting is one of the fastest growing businesses as every website that is created, needs a web host to host their web hosting and thereby create its presence on the World Wide Web. Since the demands of web hosting are constantly on the rise, people are looking at the web hosting business as highly lucrative. Web hosting is indispensable and its requirements are constantly on the rise. The Internet is flooded by websites related to information, education, entertainment, businesses and much more and people are turning to the Internet for all the versatile aspects that it has to offer. A web hosting company therefore has acquired an accelerated impetus to catch up on the needs of the web masters and offer the best services and high-end technologies. Furthermore, with the birth of web hosting, the geographical limitations have completely been eliminated. So the online services can be offered and availed from just about any part of the globe.
A web host provider must therefore be equipped with all information related to web hosting technology, customer requirements, web hosting market trends and thereby keep apace with the latest in the web hosting industry. The technical skills of the web hosting provider would definitely come to good use once they have established a quality web hosting company for themselves. This knowledge will help the provider establish a strong base for their web hosting business. It is equally important to keep abreast with the trends in the web hosting industry and making modifications in order to offer the best and superior services to their discerning customers. Therefore, a basic knowledge of the technical skills related to web hosting becomes imperative in the business of web hosting.

Hosting coupons blog is dedicated to providing regularly updated web hosting coupons, offers, deals, webhost discounts, hosting rebates and exclusive promotions from the hostgator coupon companies - webcalendar hosting , fantastico hosting and web hosting control panels services
Furthermore, the customers are ensured of the fact that they are dealing with a capable company and this is absolutely essential for an operable web hosting business.
Once the web-hosting provider has amassed a good customer base; a regular and steady income is sure to flow in. The web-hosting provider on the hand is required to consistently offer quality and superior services, tools, applications and technical support in order to sustain and enhance this income.
The downside of the business that the web-hosting provider may have to experience is fierce competition in the web hosting industry. More and more web-hosting companies emerge daily and offer very cheap pricing structures. This could put a spanner in the wheel for some hosting providers, as few customers would prefer a cheap deal even if the support and quality of services offered by these companies is not too great. So the key to successful web hosting is to offer quality and great services at competitive prices. The initial investment would include expense on the hardware, software, infrastructure expenses, advertising, promotion, and merchant fees.
Initially, the web hosting provider may have to be prepared for a uphill job as the they may no or only a handful of clients and the company would be responsible for bearing all these expenses. [more]

Author: Web Host
Category: Blogs
Keywords: web hosts webhosting hostgator hosting
Added: Fri, 16 Oct 2009

 I'm a practicing atheist.

 I had to work my way up to not believing in god, or as I would put it "Everybody's Imaginary Friend".

 I started out small, with comic books.

Then I moved onto demigods like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.

And then I finally tackled the big one, Thor.

I went after Jehovah next, I just hope nobody witnessed it.

I even joined an Irish atheist group...Cathoholics Anonymous.

Some people ridicule my lack of beliefs, they call me names like Reason Freak or Bible Doorstopper.

I might be an atheist, but I don't judge other religions, no matter how full of shit they are.

Unless you're an agnostic, because agnostics are fucking posers. [more]

Author: PJ Brown
Category: Blogs
Keywords:
Added: Thu, 15 Oct 2009

 My parents smoke pot...but only for medicinal purposes. It helps alleviate the pain of failure.
I think my mom got stoned while I was in the womb, because I was born lazy.
  She used to deal pot too. She did it because our family got stung by the economy. She stopped dealing when she got stung by the cops.
My dad had a drug problem, but he made progress with it...he progressed from pot to coke.
 He eventually kicked the habit...of being a father. It was affecting his drug habit.
He finally quit when he realized he couldn't pawn the car...because it was impounded. [more]

Author: PJ Brown
Category: Blogs
Keywords:
Added: Thu, 15 Oct 2009