In Virginia, death row inmates get to choose between execution by electric chair or lethal injection. This limited number of choices reflects poorly on the state's creativity. How about death by fireworks, where the criminal is zapped by fireworks from Lady Gaga's bra? Or how about death by boredom, where a prisoner is forced to read the entire 2,000 page House of Representatives health care bill? (Oops, we forgot that "cruel and unusual punishment" is ruled out by the Eighth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.) [more]

Author: Chris Martin
Category: News
Keywords: death row inmate execution lady gaga fireworks health care
Added: Fri, 20 Nov 2009

Researchers in Spain discovered that men who drank 3 or more shots of liquor per day had 50% less heart disease as well as 28% more sex with a transvestite named "Penelope Cruzin'." [more]

Author: Cara Tramontano
Category: News
Keywords: alcohol drinking liquor science
Added: Fri, 20 Nov 2009

San Diego police are still trying to find the suspect in what they’re calling the “This Ain’t No Joke” robbery series: A Cold Stone Creamery, one Pinkberry and one TF Yogurt robbed within 90 minutes Sunday. The crime method was the same in all five cases. The robber burst through the door and yelled something like “This ain’t no joke:
I’m serious. This is a robbery.” Later that day, comedian Louie Anderson surrendered without incident.
  [more]

Author: Terry Tyller
Category: News
Keywords: san diego robbery cold stone creamery louie anderson
Added: Fri, 20 Nov 2009

I saw an article today under the headline 10 Signs Your Boyfriend Is Lying. But I was groggy when I first read it and thought the last word was Dying.
Wouldn't that have been a fun article If I read that correctly:
SIGN 1: He cancels plans with you because he's been coughing up blood for 2 days straight.
SIGN 2: He spends less time with you than with a Hospice...  [more]

Author: PJ Brown
Category: News
Keywords:
Added: Fri, 20 Nov 2009

Today Headline.....
FAA glitch causes widespread US air travel delays!
Tomorrow Headline....
Health Care Administration glitch causes widespread Us deaths!  [more]

Author: Gene Stray
Category: News
Keywords: health care
Added: Thu, 19 Nov 2009

The economy is so bad that Eggos are now facing rationing!  [more]

Author: Gene Stray
Category: News
Keywords: eggos
Added: Thu, 19 Nov 2009

Senator Robert Ryrd (D-WV) is the longest-serving congress member. Apparently he's
been fighting for a public option before there was even a public.
  [more]

Author: Michael Hayne
Category: News
Keywords: senator robert byrd
Added: Thu, 19 Nov 2009

A news article revealed today that there's a staggering shortage of Eggo Waffles. Kellogg will start rationing supplies, while Aunt Jemima Syrup will be brought in via The Underground RailRoad. [more]

Author: PJ Brown
Category: News
Keywords:
Added: Thu, 19 Nov 2009

Barack Obama goes home to the big butt of Michelle Obama. [more]

Author: Chris Martin
Category: News
Keywords: barack michelle great wall china big butt visited home
Added: Thu, 19 Nov 2009

Don't stare at the chimps! That's the new rule posted at the zoo in Antwerp, Belgium. Of course, you can't feed them, either. Zoo officials are particularly concerned about a male chimp named Cheetah. They worry that people staring at Cheetah will prevent him from bonding with the other apes at the park. He was raised by humans, but the zoo keepers say Cheetah is now making contact with others of his kind. ***MARLAR: So, in other words, go ahead and pay the big bucks to get into the zoo – but whatever you do, DON’T LOOK AT THE ANIMALS!
  [more]

Author: DARREN MARLAR
Category: News
Keywords:
Added: Wed, 18 Nov 2009

The green movement is claiming that "diaper-free babies" will help save the planet.  That’s right – no diapers on babies at all.  They say disposable diapers create landfill waste, while washing cloth diapers pollutes the water.  So what is their solution?  Their "retro, cutting-edge, environmentally-friendly" idea is to encourage moms to let their babies go diaperless and carry tight-lidded buckets with them. They suggest parents get in tune with the baby's bodily signals, and when it's ready to, well, “let fly,” hold the baby over the bucket, a toilet, bushes, or any convenient receptacle.  ***MARLAR: How about holding the baby over the head of anyone who suggests this?  You think sitting next to a baby on an airplane is bad now...
  [more]

Author: DARREN MARLAR
Category: News
Keywords:
Added: Wed, 18 Nov 2009

(WTVG-TV News) Whoever just robbed Henry's Jewelers in Toledo, Ohio is going to be in for a big shock. All those gold rings you stole are worth about 25 cents apiece. Owner Henry Triplett says oh sure -- they looked to be worth thousands of dollars. But the "gold" rings in his display case are actually just brass dummies-- mere samples of the real gold rings he keeps safely locked up and out of view. So the real cost of the robbery will only be the expense of replacing his store's front window and the shattered glass on 13 display cases.  ***MARLAR: It won’t be hard to find the culprits.  Just go immediately to the boyfriends of girls you see with green fingers.

  [more]

Author: DARREN MARLAR
Category: News
Keywords:
Added: Wed, 18 Nov 2009

A Japanese jetliner is asking passengers to go to the bathroom before takeoff to help increase efficiency and cut down on pollution. All Nippon Airways has also started using recycled paper cups and switched from glass to paper bottles in an attempt to make every flight just a little bit lighter. They estimate that if 50% of passengers relieve themselves before boarding, the airline will produce 4.2 fewer tons of CO2 per month.  ***MARLAR: It’s bad enough that your dad tells you to go to the bathroom before going on a trip, now you’re going to hear it from your pilot.

  [more]

Author: DARREN MARLAR
Category: News
Keywords:
Added: Wed, 18 Nov 2009

There's a new kind of DWI, driving while intoxicated by your cell phone. People talking on their cells are almost completely oblivious to what goes on around them, according to a new study from Western Washington University. Researchers used a clown riding a unicycle past participants to test the awareness of nearly 350 pedestrians. When asked if they saw the clown, 71% of those walking with a friend remembered the clown, as did 61% of those listening to music. But shockingly, only 25% of the cell phone users remembered seeing a clown on a unicycle. "If people experience so much difficulty performing the task of walking when on a cell phone, just think of what this means when put into the context of driving safety," says psychology professor Ira Hyman.  ***MARLAR: I’m not sure this is a fair analysis.  Couldn’t it be that we just see clowns on the road so often that we’re just desensitized to them?

  [more]

Author: DARREN MARLAR
Category: News
Keywords:
Added: Wed, 18 Nov 2009

Cemetery workers in Najaf, Iraq, have expressed ironic sorrow over the recent downturn in violence in that city. They admitted they had kind of grown accustomed to the income from the estimated 6,500 caskets a month that they sold. Those numbers have fallen to below 4,000 a month and many in the death industry around Najaf say they have suffered significant loss of business.  ***MARLAR: So now they’re selling discount AK-47’s. 

 
  [more]

Author: DARREN MARLAR
Category: News
Keywords:
Added: Wed, 18 Nov 2009