I was watching the new “Man Up” series on ABC a couple of nights ago, and I was intrigued by how the show provides four different depictions of a “man”. There’s Kenny, the testosterone-laden man-child who won’t grow up; Craig, the ultra-sensitive romantic; Grant, the strong, intelligent, spitting image of what women want us to be like, perfectly in touch with his emotions but never wimpy; and Will, the dad who most of us can identify with.  Like Will, we’re all just trying to figure out a way to support our families, keep our ladies happy, do well at work, and not screw everything up.

This show got me thinking about what it means to be a man today. I know I’m not the only one thinking about this. Us men have found ourselves in a crazy place in today’s world, where we’re constantly challenged to meet the expectations of others while struggling to meet the expectations we’ve set for ourselves.  We’re trying to live up to the ultra-masculine image of the generation that came before us. Our fathers and grandfathers fought in wars, walked uphill both ways with one boot in the snow to work everyday and could survive in the wild with nothing but a 6-pack and a Swiss Army Knife. We’re trying to figure out how to keep up with the super-women in our lives, who seem to have access to a top-secret manual on how to run a family that we’ve somehow missed out on. Sometimes, we feel like we have absolutely no idea what we’re doing. We’re constantly pretty freaked out by the whole notion of being grown-ups and having real, live human beings rely on us constantly, but to keep our man card, we can’t show it. We can’t freak out, we can’t lose our tempers, and we definitely, definitely can’t cry. Meanwhile, our ladies can unleash an emotional hurricane on us at any given moment without any warning whatsoever, and we’re just expected to sit there and “take it like man.”

Guys, I’m here to say that it’s okay to sweat over how to be a man, but we also need to accept the fact we’re human beings. We used to look to our fathers as guides for how to handle manhood, but times and gender roles are rapidly changing. Now, we’re trying to figure how to be a new, improved 21st -Century man. I certainly can’t give you the answers for how we’re supposed to do this, but I do know one thing: We need a place where they can talk about the new problems we face today. We need to be told that it’s okay to feel like we have no idea what we’re doing. It’s okay to freak out. It’s okay to look over our shoulders and panic as we see these super-women closing in on our jobs and our place in our homes and families. It’s okay to admit that we have no clue what it means to be a man today, and that we don’t know where to look to figure this out. After all, we can’t figure out how to be great men if we don’t understand what’s holding us back from growing.  Am I right, guys?

So, this leads me to me new project. I want to reach out to other men and start a conversation about how we can work through these issues. I’m suspended in the notion that I want to rebuild men in our country that have been disassembled by society, relationships, and themselves. I want to bring life back to men who are walking through the world like zombies, lifeless with no place to go. I want to encourage men who are discouraged, empower men who are feeling powerless and spark a fire in men who have nothing to burn for anymore. I want to let men know, “Hey, you’re safe in my tribe.”So, guys, I want to hear from you. What do you think it means to be a man today? More importantly, what kind of man do you WANT to be?

Now, I’m pretty good at coming up with dates that suit the personalities of each of my daughters, but I’ll be honest, the well had run dry and I was in serious need of fresh ideas.

Her response, “What about the trapeze school here in Austin? Or if she wants something land bound, have you ever gone on a Segway tour of the city?”

And just like that there were two date ideas that I never thought of. And you know what, Madison and I ended up doing the Segway tour of Austin, and it definitely ranks up there in the pantheon of super-cool daddy dates.

But this isn’t an advertisement for Segway (though they are fun), rather I want to encourage fathers to push through the pain of the work week, because on the other side is a memory with your name on it.

Business has been good, and as a biz growth specialist and a motivational speaker, my job requites me to travel, so let’s just say I’ve seen my fair share of planes, trains and automobiles of late. So every bone in my body wanted me to go home and explain to Madison that daddy is tired and would it be okay to reschedule, but something inside of me said, “Don’t do it. Use your last bit of strength to call a friend.” So I did.

Pushing past the stress, the exhaustion, and all the noise can be difficult, sometimes impossible at the end of the work week. But do what you have to do, even it if means calling a friend to gain inspiration, because you have to show up and be ready to engage and connect with your children. As dads, we’re all pulling double shifts, but come 5 o’clock that’s when the real work begins. It is in these moments that a real relationship — one built on shared experience and trust– is forged with our children.  Plus, I want my kids to know I’m willing to do whatever it takes — even look like a goof (see exhibit A to the left)– if it means segway-ing into a great relationship.

Considering I’ve written a whole book about Daddy Dates, taking my girls out to tea on Saturday wasn’t revolutionary, but participating in something bigger than just me and my girls was something special.

Over the course of the day, I followed #DDTea on Twitter and I was able to get real time updates from participating dads across the US along with photos of their baby girls all dolled up.  The ear-to-ear smiles said it all– that spending 1-on-1 time with your daughter is priceless.

But for me it was all about being part of a tribe and encouraging my fellow fathers in this parental endeavor of really getting to know our daughters. I’ll be the first to admit, the role of dad can be somewhat lonely and isolating, as all eyes look upon us for the answers. So to be out in the real world hob-nobbing with other dads, confirming with each other that “Yeah, we got this… everything is going to be cool,” was the encouragement I needed as a father and a man. Let’s face it, being a lone wolf is alright, but being a member of a wolf pack is just plain awesome.

So no matter if you were the only dad participating in the tea or you were at a location with 40 other dads (good going El Paso!), I hope everyone walked away feeling encouraged and CONNECTED. I know I did.   Hoooowwwwllll!

CLICK HERE to check out pics on the National Daddy Daughter Facebook Page

Sorry for the radio silence for the past several weeks, I’ve had a very hectic travel schedule, but I did manage to tune in to last night’s Parenthood episode and, boy, did it deliver.  This week’s episode “Slipping Away” revolved around two major story lines, both of which dealt with tough parenting issues– drugs and sex.

The episode opened up with young Haddie accidentally dialing her parents, only for them to hear her be intimate with her boyfriend Alex.  This unsolicited glimpse into the life of their teenage daughter left Kristina and Adam speechless and unsure of what to do next.  When Kristina asks Haddie if it’s true, at first she denies it, but later comes to her and tells her that she has indeed made that major step with Alex.  When Kristina tells Adam, the realization his baby is no longer a baby was gut-wrenching. I don’t know about you dads, but I got to give it up to actor Peter Krause (Adam) because I felt everything he was feeling in that moment of revelation.

While this was going on Amber, who recently found out she didn’t get into Berkeley, decided to numb herself by drinking and doing drugs with her new office buddy/boyfriend. When Amber’s mom, Sarah, finally confronts her about the drugs, a major confrontation takes place and Amber takes off with her boyfriend. CLICK HERE to watch this clip.

Dads, these are the facts of life… our daughters grow up.  They become individuals with thoughts and feelings and needs that go beyond us. But don’t let that fool you.  The best part of the entire episode was when Sarah responded to Adam when he said, “I’ve been dealing with this stuff with Haddie for a while now, and every time I get in a conflict or engage it blows up, it just seems the best thing I can do is to give her space.”  In a hair-raising moment here’s what his sister Sarah had to say:

No.  You don’t give them space. Just when they tell you they don’t need you anymore, is exactly when they need you the most. You have to fight it, you have to show up.  Even when they are pushing you away and telling you they know better that’s when you have to show up. Now I’m afraid it’s too late for me.

Amen!

CLICK HERE to watch the full episode; Sarah’s amazing monologue is around the 38-minute mark

Saturday tee time for high tea with your little princess!

Well, gang, I’m thrilled to share with all of you that I have joined forces with fellow daddy blogger Tshaka Armstrong (@tshaka_zulu) to help promote the National Daddy Daughter Tea. CLICK HERE to visit the dedicated Facebook Page.

I have previously blogged about this event, but I can’t help but think that this is a no-brainer for dads.  But even though it’s a no-duh, we still need your HELP in setting up a tea in your city on Saturday, May 14th!

To help sweeten the deal, we are offering the first 15 dads to email karin@karinmaake.com details on a new city & location will receive a $10 Starbucks gift card and a hardcopy of  my book Daddy Dates: 4 Daughters, 1 Clueless Dad & His Quest To Win Their Hearts.

CLICK HERE for already set-up locations in Texas, California, Florida, and New York!

I’m moving at a snail’s pace this morning (hard to get some shut eye when there’s a 190 men snoring in the same room), so here are some great inspirational quotes about fathering, until I post a video entry about this weekend. Stay tuned!

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
-Bill Cosby

I talk and talk and talk, and I haven’t taught people in 50 years what my father taught by example in one week.
-Mario Cuomo

It doesn’t matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was.
-Anne Sexton

I don’t mind looking into the mirror and seeing my father.
-Micheal Douglass

My father never talked to me about how to treat people. Every act of kindness I have ever shown another person was because I was trying to imitate him.
-Pamela McGrew

My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.
-Jim Valvano

It is easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father.
-Pope John XXIII

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
-Mark Twain

A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty.
-unknown

4 years: My Daddy can do anything!
7 years: My Dad knows a lot…a whole lot.
8 years: My father does not know quite everything.
12 years: Oh well, naturally Father does not know that either.
14 years: Oh, Father? He is hopelessly old-fashioned.
21 years: Oh, that man-he is out of date!
25 years: He knows a little bit about it, but not much.
30 years: I must find out what Dad thinks about it.
35 years: Before we decide, we will get Dad’s idea first.
50 years: What would Dad have thought about that?
60 years: My Dad knew literally everything!
65 years: I wish I could talk it over with Dad once more.
-Unknown

Fathers, like mothers, are not born. Men grow into fathers and fathering is a very important stage in their development.
-David Gottesman

It is a wise father that knows his own child.
-William Shakespeare

*Courtesy of InspirationalQuotes.com

I’m not exactly sure what to expect when I drive my eldest daughter Tori to college in the fall. I would love to, so I could get my game face on, but unfortunately my crystal ball broke somewhere in the overhead bin over Iowa. As the girls go off to college, I won’t be able to beam myself over to the dorm at Whatever U, but I will date them by remote. Hopefully. My plan is to set an exact window of time where we’ll pretend we’re on a Daddy Date and I will be mentally spiffed up and all attentive and focused and eager to share her experiences, when of course she’ll be in sweats with a ponytail holder preferring to talk about the Other Guy (or to TOG) and will be lip-synching to her roommate, “Wait, wait, don’t go yet, I’m almost off with my dad.”

At that point (again, hopefully), I’ll get the hint that I’m not the main man anymore, and I expect that will be a little weird at first. I’ll try not to take that too personally because parenthood is one of the only jobs in the world where, if you’re super-successful, you get demoted. And then fired. (Fortunately, I will probably get rehired later as Grandpa.) Still, I haven’t navigated those shifting sands yet, but it’s a-comin’, so I guess I’ll be giving myself the Man Up talk next year on a pretty regular basis.

But first, I think preparing for the college dating scene requires me to make sure each daughter gets an A in the mandatory core curriculum class, How to Be Rude 101, because women—and my girls are no exception—are taught to be nice and gracious and not hurt someone’s feelings, and I want her to know how to say no effectively to a guy. So we’ll role-play that potential scene until she can get her point across effectively without being downright mean. And she’ll know when being downright mean is the nicest—and smartest—thing a woman can do for herself and those who love her.

The irony is that I also want to be careful not to lay too many “look out, kids” on them, but where do you draw the line? What I dig most about Forrest Gump is that he’s so entirely clueless about the swirling world around him, yet comes out unscathed anyway. Children are like that. They don’t know enough about the road ahead to be awed by someone or scared of something. What about coeds, though? I think my eldest has an extremely level head, but it’s hard not to shove my big ole worry hat on it. I count on my wife to help me resist that temptation.

Maybe my girl will still call me for pep talks when she freaks out about exams. Maybe she’ll remember that I’m good for that. If I’m really lucky my cell will ring at two o’clock a.m. and she’ll feel better by two fifteen. I can’t pretend that there won’t be moments of anxiety as each girl moves into her adult role, but right now it’s like Tori is my understudy and it will be natural at some point for me to bow out and let her take center stage.

And someday, in the future, I will be calling her for advice, but at a reasonable hour because she’s wiped out from her day enjoying her wonderful life, which includes running after my grandkids.

The idea is simple: Two days in May, dads will unite in what is, I believe, an event of the utmost importance to the emotional health of our daughters. If you’re tired of hearing news reports about sexting and cyberbullying and the victimization of our young women then join the movement!  All you have to do that day is take your daughter to tea and we’ve even give you two options:

1). MAY 13TH– If you’re involved in your school’s PTA, ask them to host a morning event Friday, May 13th. You put put flyters, get other dads involved and sit down and do a communal “tea” (What you drink is not si important as showing up) starting before schoola at 7:30am and lasting for 45-minutes.

2). MAY 14TH– Take your daughter to tea Saturday, May 14th. Check the Facebook Fan page to see if there is a tea breing hosted by another dad in your area and double the fun!  If not, just simply strike out on your own with your princess and begin a new chapter in your relationship.

If you have to host an event in your area, make the arrangements at your local Starbucks, or tea house and email as: info@digitalshepherds.com and we will add you to an ongoing list of locations. If you wish to be involved, but don’t have a daughter or aren’t able to make it, please support our cause by tweeting about it once a day until the event, “Like” our Facebook Fan page and invite your friends to join it, blog about it and point people to the Fan page or all of the above, if you’re feeling really generous!

Ultimately it is my hope that you’ll invite some dads you know who may not have done this type of thing on their own. In addition, daughters who might think this type of thing “lame” will be encouraged by seeing other dads and other daughters and will begin to strengthen their own communication and relationship. And that’s a good thing!

Pick a tea room in Austin:

• The Steeping Room
• The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf
• Motzart’s Coffeehouse
• Garden District Coffeehouse
• Triumph Cafe

Okay, so shoving a ship in a bottle may not float your girl’s boat, but you’ll have a blast on a date working as a team creating something side-by-side.

Dads, I know for most of us, planning is half the battle, so to jump start your inner hobby/crafting god, here are some economical and fun ideas:

Tool Belt, Check! Try Home Depot’s Saturday morning kid-friendly workshops, which are designed for kids 5 – 12. The hands-on sessions are offered on the first Saturday of the month. Next month’s project is a planter to plant April flowers. Or help your daughter with one of these ready-to-assemble wood kits, like a birdfeeder or a bughouse.

Craft Glue, Check! Another great destination to get your glue, pipe cleaner, sequin fix is educational toy store Lakeshore Learning. Every Saturday between 11 – 3pm, all Lakeshore Learning stores set-up a craft tables for your baby girl to have at it. The super cool thing is they list off all the upcoming craft projects on their website; this Saturday’s project is a rainbow wreath! With over 24 stores across the US, there’s a good chance you live close by one, click HERE to find out.

Get Your Mud On, Check! Remember those melamine plates, in which your stick figure drawings from the 1st grade were immortalized, well painting pottery is like that, but way cooler. If you’re new to ceramic painting, check out paintyourownpottery.net, it’s a pretty basic site, but it does have a fun video and a list of local pottery studios across the US.  From coffee mugs to special occasion plates to personalized ice cream bowls, flex your creative muscle with your daughter and see where her imagination takes her.

Paper Cuts, Check! Just as women are baffled by fantasy football leagues, us men are equally baffled by…wait for it…scrapbooking. For girls there’s just something magical about taking a couple of family photos and arranging them on a decorative piece of paper, then peppering it with an assortment of stickers and trinkets. Modernist art it ain’t, but I guarantee she’ll have a heck of time creating her own masterpiece.  Archivers is a national scrapbooking store that has tons of events with various featured crafting projects, find a local store HERE.  Heck, print out two sets of your favorite photos of the two you, and see who comes up with the most creative page!

URL Like It! Rainy day, well, then check out these two great sites that offer a plethora of fun, hands-on craft projects– Disney’s Family Fun is perfect for smaller kids, while Craftspiration has hip projects for older girls.

At day’s end, dads, you might have glitter on your face, mud on your shoes, and a giant paper cut on your finger, but you’ll have spent some quality time with your baby girl playing in the world of war-CRAFT.

That’s why I thought long and hard about what I was going to do about my girls dating. I know families that have raised kids successfully, whose daughters got through their teens pretty well and turned out to be great human beings. There was one common denominator in how they were parented: Mom and Dad didn’t allow their children to date until they were in college.

That was a heavy thought, partly because I was a date nut in high school. It sounds unbelievably old school to most people, but no matter how much I turned it over in my head, I arrived at the same conclusion. After talking it over with my wife, we decided that our girls would not be allowed to go out on one-on-one dates until college.

So I sat them down and let them know that these are my terms: In high school we don’t have boyfriends. We don’t do ownership. We do friendship, and that’s it.

I believe in my gut that the core of any successful relationship is a solid, enjoyable, and fun friendship. People often get to the physical part before they become great friends, and once that happens, the friendship becomes secondary to the romance.

What I am trying to teach my daughters is how to relate to a guy without having to worry about the sex part. I want them to develop all their friendship pieces, and I am motivated to give them something to live toward, not to live down or get past.

All my girls are gorgeous and will have no trouble finding guys who want them. I’m not a fool, though. Sure, they’ll probably try to sneak around with boys they like, but right now everyone’s still pretty much with the program.

What I am really concerned about is helping them avoid getting hooked up and stuck with bad decisions and giving them an extra few years to mature. They need that period between thirteen and eighteen years of age to develop their own personalities, thoughts, and feelings, without it being complicated by romance, heartbreak, and some randy kid’s opinion of their looks or personality. A real relationship is a big responsibility, and teenagers are so ill prepared to have that control. There’s absolutely zero risk in letting girls be girls before expecting them to be women.

So I tell my kids, go have a great time in a group, but dating? Hey, that’s my job and I’m not ready to quit yet.

Now, it’s not like I did one big soliloquy and they said, “Okay, Daddy.” They’re not goody-two-shoes robots. The Wright girls can be stubborn and opinionated, and they question the dating ban all the time, which is a-okay by me. Of course, they have rampant emotions and intense crushes and boys at school say be my girlfriend and they like them back and want to act on it. Every time that happens it’s just another opportunity for me to make my case that we do group dates, not one-on-one, and why they have to tell boys that right away. And it’s not like I get off scot-free. I get the what-for back, almost every time.

In fact, it happened just recently. She-who-shall-not-be-named liked a boy in middle school who, I’m sorry, looks like a pterodactyl. Kid can’t help it—he’s just got that kind of face, but with zits. I didn’t get it but she thought he was cute and I know his folks and I thought what the heck. Pterodactyl Boy needs friends, too, and my girls are kind and compassionate. I won’t butt in. Yet.

I knew they liked each other and figured there’s only so much mischief a girl can get into in school when her sisters are lurking around ready to rat her out. I haven’t—and couldn’t—put the kibosh on liking or having certain strong feelings. It’s normal to dig someone’s chili and for them to dig yours back, regardless of species.

“I really like Jason, Daddy. We’re not doing anything bad. I just don’t understand what’s wrong with having a real boyfriend. I’m like the only girl in school who’s not allowed to have one!”

“What have you promised, sweetie?”

“Nothing. He knows you’ve said we can only be friends but he wants more, and so do I.”

Bingo. Instead of getting irritated, I saw this as a chance to connect with my teen and discuss that whole dynamic, and I made sure to ask her out on a date so we could do that. This was an opening to go through the whole shebang and discuss nature’s pull of physical attraction and the different ways men and women think about sex. We discuss how a girl can tell when a guy really loves her, and I try to role model that behavior by putting extra effort into the dates. We talk about why the Wright family is making a choice that is admittedly tough and goes against popular culture: It’s so the sisters have extra time to develop a solid sense of themselves before passion has an opportunity to overwhelm reason.

In other words, I want each of my girls to know who she is before there’s a chance that she’ll make that first trip to Heartbreak Hill, so she’ll know her own value as a person when the romance is over.

People find this surprising, but by the time we circle back to reviewing the boundaries—if that’s even necessary—and the reasons behind the decisions, it’s like hitting the reset button on “okay, Daddy, I get it.” I don’t get a lot of pushback. The “friendship, not ownership” theme is a dog that hunts, because they watch their friends get in a twist over boyfriends, time and again, and mess up in school and change their dreams for the future.

What I love about my relationship with the un-named and the other three is that they really do talk to me about their whole range of emotions. I am not suggesting that the girls tell me everything or that nobody will ever try to tiptoe around the rules.

That would be absurd. There’s a lot of asphalt ahead on that one.

I do know, however, that they feel safe enough to share where they’re at, because I will just sit there and let them download their feelings without over-reacting, spacing out, or heaven forbid, saying “uh-huh, yeah, okay” while I’m texting somebody.

They know that I respect their opinions, even if I don’t agree with them. Or have the foggiest clue what was just said.

Plus, my hound dog sniffer catches a whiff once in a while and I’m not above the daddy drive-by. The girls and I have built up a nice cushion in the trust bank account, but there have been some withdrawals. Exerting parental authority isn’t an issue for me.

I think they know they’re likely to get busted if they scam me. Not really worth it.

Maybe one reason my girls seem to listen and enjoy my company is that I’ve intentionally built bridges to their world. Not bashing in the gate, just staying reasonably current. I’ve overheard the girls telling other adults that kids at school think I’m a straitlaced Nazi until they come to our house and Dave Matthews or hip-hop is blasting and they see that I’m not the uncool khaki dad they pictured. (No offense to beige pleated cotton. I’m just more of a denim guy off the clock.)

There are a lot of other ways Amber and I stay on top of where the girls go, who they’re with, and what they like. I’m strategically involved in the youth group at church, so I know most of the potential BFs at their school. I say “hey” at the coffeehouse and we invite kids of both sexes over for barbeque. I’ve made sure that I’ve hung out with most of the young guys in some way or another, and apparently they don’t think I’m a total dweeb because they show up in droves at our house for group parties. (It’s probably the pool and the free food, but I’d like to think it’s because I’m so entertaining.)

Of course, outfits, facial hair, or radio preset don’t mean a thing in the fathering department. What does count is to man up and put our best effort into protecting a daughter’s right to grow into young womanhood with dignity and self-confidence.

And she ain’t gonna get that from hanging out with a pterodactyl.

*Chapter from upcoming book Daddy Dates: 4 Daughters, 1 Clueless Father & His Quest to Win Their Hearts