Dads and Daughters

Webinar: Power & Potential of Dad & Daughter Relationships

2011-02-17T12:56:00.001-06:00

You’re invited to a webinar I'm doing March 3 on the father-daughter relationship. Should be an interesting hour, and having you there would add a lot to the experience for other participants (and maybe for yourself!). The details are below. Thanks! - Joe

The Power & Potential of Father/Daughter Relationships
Presented by Joe Kelly, Fathering Educator at The Emily Program and
author of the best-seller Dads & Daughters®: How to Inspire,
Understand and Support Your Daughter.

Date: Thursday, March 3, 2011
Time: 8:00PM - 9:00PM(EST)

Unlock the unique influence of fathers and stepfathers as the "first man" in his daughter's life—along with fun and practical strategies for how to use that influence intentionally and intelligently.
(Facilitated by Lisa Kaplan-Miller as part of the National Association of Mother Centers' Parenting & Family Webinar Series)

Author, activist and father Joe Kelly speaks around North America on fathering, parenting, and media's impact on the family. He is Fathering Educator for The Emily Program, one of the largest eating disorders treatment programs in the US.

Register now!

JOINING A WEBINAR IS EASY! ALL YOU NEED IS A PHONE LINE AND A COMPUTER.

Girls, Sports & Super Bowls

2011-02-02T09:40:00.001-06:00

Today (February 2) is National Women and Girls in Sports Day—a time to celebrate the physical, emotional, and intellectual growth our daughters experience when they play. It’s also a reminder for dads & stepdads to advocate every day for our daughters and sons to have equal opportunity to play sports.

Also, if the ice storms don’t freeze all activity in Dallas, the Super Bowl will kick off Sunday night. Here are some tips to help dads and stepdads respond to the Super Bowl with our daughters (and sons!) before, during and after the game.

Spend part of the pre-game afternoon tossing a football around with her! A dad who plays sports with his daughter increases the odds that she’ll grow up healthy and strong!
If she doesn't like to play catch, think of taking a walk together or a bike ride. Let her know that you enjoy being with her. The time together may give her an opportunity to talk with you and let you know what is going on in her life. Sometimes daughters see the interest and time their dads devote to sports and feel their dads don't care as much about them. Your attempts to connect with her on Super Bowl Sunday may counter that perception.
When watching the game, be aware that what your daughter sees and what you see may be entirely different. She may be struck by the cheerleaders, whose partially clothed bodies look so “perfect.” Instead of enjoying the game, your daughter may be comparing her body to theirs and feeling inadequate.
Try to watch the broadcast through her eyes. Would any images or events look or feel different if you were watching as a girl vs. as a man? You might share these perceptions with her and ask her what she thinks.
If you see an ad or image that treats females negatively or objectifies them, change the channel so you, your daughter, and your family don't have those images in your home. Remote control makes it very easy! Let her know why you decided to click the remote and ask for her feedback.
Compare the number and roles of female sports announcers and reporters to the number and role of male announcers and reporters. Talk with each other about what you think those numbers mean. Do they mean that your daughter “can’t” be a big football fan? Could she be taken seriously as a sports announcer someday or should she eliminate this from her career aspirations?
Ask her which players and coaches she admires or sees as heroes. Tell her which ones you admire, and then share your reasons with each other.
When the game is over, talk about what you each thought were the crucial plays and the most exciting moments. Then ask her if she wants to do something special together next Sunday to keep these conversations rolling and to convince her that the most important man in her life takes her seriously and enjoys being with her.
Use the Super Bowl to become more media-literate and sensitive to your daughter's experience. Decide to pay more attention to how the media portrays women and girls. When you see an ad, imagine your daughter's face in it, and then reassess your reaction to it.

Dads’ Tips for the Holidays

2010-12-15T10:01:00.001-06:00

Year-end Holidays can make wonderful experiences and memories for dads, daughters and stepdaughters. They can also be stressful, and whip by incredibly fast. Here are a few things to keep in mind for making the most of your Holiday. (These tips work just as well for
sons, if you have them—and for moms, too!)

1. Presence always trumps presents. More than any transient toy or other physical object, your kids crave your time and attention, so let them bask in your presence. If you’re a live-away dad, be with her through personal communication and traditions (see below), rather than trying to “make up” for your situation with a flood of presents.

2. Give her a "Time Machine." Instead of the latest electronic gadget, give your daughter time (and be sure to keep the commitments you make). Here are a few examples:

A simple trip together
A commitment to spend one hour of one-on-one time with her, once a week, all year (for dozens of great ideas, check out my book The Dads & Daughters Togetherness Guide: 54 Fun Activities to Help Build a Great Relationship.
Make homemade decorations together
Build a project together
Bake Holiday cookies and regale her with stories from your childhood Holidays
Learn some new things which make you a better Dad for her like learning to coach or practice “her” sport with her or learning about her world by reading a magazine like New Moon Girls.
Pick one day between now and the Holidays to just watch her non-judgmentally all day. Just be aware of how unique and special she is. At the end of the day write down everything you love about her and then go share the list with her as a Holiday gift.

3. Redefine interactive. Nowadays, interactive seems to mean a toy or machine that “interacts” with us people. Remember that what really builds families is interaction between people and other people! Make room for a feast of personal interactivity this season--like a neighborhood Football Romp to have fun and catch up with the neighbors!

4. Consider “One In, One Out.” To relish the giving nature of the Holidays, some families use a simple and powerful tradition: For every present a family member receives, she or he donates one of their previous possessions to charity. It’s a concrete way to live the Golden Rule—and cuts down on clutter, too!

5. Make your own presents. Regardless of age, almost any daughter can work with her stepdad or dad to make gifts—from homemade crafts to certificates for services to be rendered (e.g.: “Mom, this certificate entitles you to one month of me vacuuming the house”).

6. Wrap recycled. Use “pre-owned” wrapping paper, newspapers, old maps, and other paper products to wrap your presents. It’s a perfect way to personalize a present, while cutting down on waste (and saving money). See other ideas at http://www.epa.gov/epawaste/wycd/winter.htm.

7. Remember that simple is "in." Polls find that many families are stressed out by of all the Holiday hype. So, you’re not alone when you simplify and focus first on the true Holiday spirit!

8. Give to others. Help your daughter decide on a set amount of money she will give to charitable causes this year. If she’s too young to earn her own money, give her some to donate. Some kids even give donations as a gift to a loved one—“Big Sister, in your honor, I bought a Heifer® International (www.heifer.org) goat for Women in Livestock Development in Kenya.” Or “Dad, to show how much you mean to me, I donated to a charity that serves families in both of our names.”

9. Remember ritual. Repetition of meaningful rituals is an important part of building Holiday traditions and instilling positive Holiday memories for a lifetime. Rituals can include attending religious worship services, having special friends and family for a traditional meal, reading a favorite story every year, making a special Holiday morning breakfast, or anything else that draws you closer to each other. Take pictures to help remember—and be sure that YOU are in some of them!

10. Nurture the Holiday spirit all year. The Holidays remind us what special people we have for children, family members, and friends. Try to remember and cherish that special feeling everyday. We only get one crack at being her dad while she’s a girl. So let’s make the most of it!

To learn more about healthy fathering, visit www.thedadman.com

Dad-Daughter Gratitude

2010-11-17T07:15:00.003-06:00

Sometimes we’re so busy trying to get though today’s crazed schedule—or preparing for tomorrow’s and the next day’s—that we forget to talk about the most important things. Especially at this time of year.

Here’s a quick and simple exercise, appropriate for Thanksgiving week, to better understand how important you and your daughter or stepdaughter are to each other.

Jot down 10 things you are grateful for as a Dad. Make sure that at least 5 of those things relate directly to your individual daughter—what you are grateful to her for…or what it is about this special person that you want to give thanks for.

Type up your list and print it out nicely so that you can present it to your daughter. Feel free to decorate it, use fancy fonts, or keep it very simple. Then, give it to her.

Invite your daughter to write down 10 things she is grateful for about being a part of the family you both belong to—and invite her to share that list with the rest of the family.

Few of us spend a lot of conscious energy thinking about gratitude, so it can take some effort and concentration to articulate the things for which we are grateful. That’s OK—like most essential things in fathering and stepfathering, what is hard is also worthwhile.

We’re very grateful that you care so much about healthy, engaged fathering. Happy Thanksgiving!

Holy Daughter’s Future, Batgirl!

2010-11-11T08:18:00.002-06:00

Care about your daughter's future?

Then call your Senators before Nov. 17 and tell them to pass the Paycheck Fairness Act. And get together with your daughter to watch this awesome video from the American Association of University Women:

An epidemic has seized women's paychecks -- unfair pay. In this tough economy, America can't afford to shortchange half of the workforce and their families. Contact your Senators and tell them to pass the Paycheck Fairness Act.

Kelly to Talk Fathering @ MN Public Health Assn Forum

2010-11-01T09:44:00.001-05:00

This year’s public policy forum for the Minnesota Public Health Association explores the intersection of the family and public health. The first forum (November 12, 2010 7:30-9:00 am) discusses ways that the family—its membership, and structure, and the interactions among family members—have changed over the last 10-20 years.

The panelists will be Dr. Bill Doherty from the Family Social Science Department at the University of Minnesota; Joe Kelly, fathering author and fathering educator for The Emily Program; Beth Quist, executive director of the Working Family Resource Center; and Janet Salo, the Kinship Navigator Project Coordinator for the Minnesota Kinship Caregivers Association.

Thursday morning, Nov. 11 from 7:30-9:00 am at the Minnesota Department of Health, Snelling Office Park, 1645 Energy Park Drive in St. Paul.

The event is $8 for MPHA members, $15 for non-members and $5 for students. Register at www.mpha.net/tabs/events/eventdetails.aspx?EventId=170.

The Story of the “I Love My Hair” Video

2010-10-21T12:36:00.000-05:00

From the NPR website:

A little Muppet girl has started a sensation. The unnamed puppet with an afro sings a love song to her hair.

"I Love My Hair" debuted on the Oct. 4 episode of Sesame Street. It was posted on the show's YouTube page — and then women began posting the video on their Facebook pages.

African-American bloggers wrote that it brought them to tears because of the message it sends to young black girls.

Joey Mazzarino, the head writer of Sesame Street, is also a Muppeteer who wrote the song for his daughter. Mazzarino is Italian. He and his wife adopted their 5-year-old daughter, Segi, from Ethiopia when she was a year old.

Watch the video and hear an interview with Mazzarino at http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=130653300.

Dads & Daughters on Dove Self Esteem Website

2010-10-19T15:11:00.002-05:00

My book Dads and Daughters: How to Inspire, Understand, and Support Your Daughterand my wife’s New Moon Girls magazine and website are recommended reading on a new resource section of Dove’s self-esteem campaign website.

Lots of resources for all ages there, too. Check it out: http://content.dove.us/selfesteemweekend/ReadingLists.aspx

Halloween Tips for Dads & Daughters

2010-10-08T17:17:00.001-05:00

Feel trapped by over-sexed & over-commercialized Halloween costumes for your daughter?

The search for Halloween costumes can be treacherous, filled with over-sexed and stereotyped "choices." These healthy ideas from Drs. Lyn Mikel Brown and Sharon Lamb (authors of Packaging Girlhood: Rescuing Our Daughters from Marketers' Schemes) help Dads fight back and let her creativity sparkle! (Use these tips with your sons, too--kids' resiliency grows if they don't get stuck in arbitrary gender roles.)

1. Help her think outside the box (especially boxes of store-bought costumes). Imagination and creativity can help girls break out of gender stereotypes...and are great practice for reality.
2. Encourage her to be anyone or anything for Halloween--and the rest of her life. Help her to be inspired by real women doing wild, brave and phenomenal things.
3. Listen to her ideas and encourage all the possibilities. She is bombarded with pink princesses, sexy divas and pop stars, but don't assume anything-let her costume choice surprise you!
4. Discuss and work on Halloween costumes together. It's a great learning and bonding experience. Help her recall the best costumes she ever saw, and share some favorites from your childhood.
5. Add her own twist to pink and glitter, and have her character DO something. Help her imagine a feisty fairy taking on the evil dragon, a butterfly that saves the insect world, or a queen who fights for her country with sheath and sword. She can be a glittered firefighter, or even a sparkly skeleton!
6. Sit down and let your daughter create her own character and story. She can raid the family closets or dress up box to become the wildest or coolest character ever!
7. Tap her love for scary stories and the history of Halloween; help her go "traditional" and be a witch, Frankenstein, or a ghost. Avoid those sexy diva witch costumes; use your own imagination to create the scary, ugly, and awful look.
8. Draw on her favorite book or character. Reread the book with her to plan what she'll need to "be" Anne of Green Gables, Dorothy of Oz, or Hermione Granger. And don't rule out boy characters: Dracula, Harry Potter, or even Dumbledore!
9. Is your daughter an athlete or history buff? Halloween is a chance to become Lorena Ochoa, Mia Hamm, Danica Patrick, Sheryl Swoopes, Se Ri Pak, Rosa Parks, Amelia Earhart, Joan of Arc, Harriet Tubman, Sally Ride, Golda Meir-the list is endless (and can include males)! Her Jane Goodall can carry a stuffed gorilla; her Van Gogh can wear a bandage on his ear-once you start brainstorming, ideas will flood in.
10. Halloween is all about being what you aren't...help her stretch her imagination. Teach her that it's false advertising when stores label cowpoke, police officer and firefighter costumes as "for boys." (Then introduce her to the female police officers and fire fighters in your community!) Halloween is a day of imagination-a perfect opportunity to show her that she can be anyone, any profession, any role.
Learn more about healthy fathering @ www.TheDadMan.com and www.Daughters.com.

Dads & Daughters ® 10 Tips for the New School Year

2010-09-02T12:09:00.002-05:00

Our daughters and stepdaughters are starting the new school year. Dads & Stepdads are a valuable resource for daughters in school and in life. Here are a few simple tips to help you help them get the most out of this year:

1. Listen to what’s happening. If she’s stressed or upset about cliques, teams, new subjects, or anything else—give her your attention. Provide her time to get things out and do some processing before jumping in with judgments or suggestions.

2. Help her keep perspective. Gently remind her that there are more important things than who’s wearing what, or who is going out with whom. Let her know (in word and deed) that you love her for who she is, no matter what.

3. Set the stage. Ask your daughter or stepdaughter what a successful school year would look like for her—friends, sports, activities, dating—and then have her tell you about how important each goal is to her and if she thinks each one is realistic. It’s OK to discuss your expectations regarding grades, but remember the important lessons learned outside the classroom and all the pressures which face our kids today.

4. Nurture your special father-child bond. Go out for ice cream, go swimming, shoot hoops, or do something you know she loves. The beginning of school is a great time to begin a new tradition. How about a lunch date the last Saturday of every month?

5. Let her cope and experiment. School can be a great place for her to learn important personal and interpersonal skills which will serve her later in life. Don’t rush in to solve every problem – listen. But never back down where her personal safety is concerned.

6. Walk a mile in her shoes. Try to imagine what she’s experiencing and what it means to her. Your understanding and empathy can help her make it through her own trials.

7. Celebrate success. We dads sometimes tend to focus more on what’s not going right than we do on what is going well. Be sure to let her know how proud you are of her talents and accomplishments—even if they are not readily recognized by others.

8. Be her hero. Stay always mindful of her unique spirit and give her your loyalty, kindness, acceptance, respect, and support. Your influence in her life is unique, so make it as positive as possible.

9. Tell stories about yourself. Many things have changed since you were a kid, but most of the important stuff is still the same. Share your own youthful struggles with staying true to yourself, your values, and your friends. Don’t make every story into a lecture, and be sure to admit your mistakes—they can teach her a lot (starting with humility)!

10. Honor her interests. Even if her passion isn’t your first choice for fun, be there for her, let her teach you about her interests, and learn why she’s passionate about them. Your validation is a huge help to her.

Fathers Day & Birth Days

2010-06-20T13:07:00.001-05:00

I like Fathers Day because I get good cards & messages from my kids and because I get to go out to eat. As a long-time advocate for fathers & stepfathers, I also like that folks spend at least a few moments thinking about involved fatherhood and its meaning.

No single experience transformed me as a human being more than the experience of being a father to my children. Taking the chance to be an at-home dad for some of their childhood, I felt the immediacy of that visceral, spiritual connection between father and child—a connection that continues 30 years later.

My kids are grown now, but that fact hasn’t changed some things. They are still important to me, and vice versa—although in different and continually evolving ways. I’ve also been blessed over the years to hear stories from thousands of fathers and kids, as a teacher and advocate for engaged fathering and stepfathering.

All of those stories and experiences renforce my measure of “engagement” for fathers: as a Dad, am I committing the same level of intensity as I did the day my child was born? The day of wonder and mystery and legacy when I first held my child in my hands?

So, there’s a Fathers Day wish: may every day as a dad bring you as much experience as possible of the intensity and wonder and commitment of fathering.

Father's Day Fill In the Blanks

2010-06-03T11:42:00.002-05:00

This Fathers Day, take a step beyond honoring dad with a card or gift. Set aside a few moments to learn something more about your own father, stepfather, father-in-law...and learn about yourself as a father. Fill in the blanks in the 10 statements below and then share them with your dad--and your kids.

If your father or stepfather is gone, show you answers to your spouse, partner, siblings, and/or other loved ones. (Thanks to Gary Burns & his daughters, creators of The Communications Game, for help with this list)

What I admire most about my father is ____. I say that because ____.

I really want my father to know ______. I say that because ______.

The time I felt most loved in my life was when ______. I say that because ______.

I wish my father and I had more time or ability to ___________ together. I say that because ______.

My greatest joy in life today is _______. I say that because ______. What is your greatest joy, Dad?

My greatest satisfaction in life today is _______. I say that because ______. What is your greatest satisfaction, Dad?

What I value most in a friend is _______. I say that because ______.

For me, loyalty means _________. I say that because ________.

Of all the people who died before I was born, I would most like to visit with ______. I say that because ________.

The thing I will remember most about my father is _________. I say that because ________.

12 Prom Tips for Dads

2010-03-30T14:38:00.001-05:00

Prom season is approaching fast. For Dads, that can stir up excitement, dread, fun, uncertainty...all at the same time! Prom is a sign of how quickly our "little" kids are growing up, and a reminder of the hazards they face out in the big bad world.

These TheDadMan.com tips help Dads and kids get the most out of Prom time (she/he pronouns alternate, but the tips apply equally to daughters and sons).

1. It's his Prom, not yours. Dad functions best when he's a good coach who listens closely to where he's at, rather than imposing his emotions or fears on the situation.

2. "Dad" = "Detective." Yes, it's more than okay to meet your kid's date ahead of time. Make it a low-pressure meeting, like encouraging her to invite her date over to do homework some night. Promise her you won't act like a prosecuting attorney (and then keep that promise), but let her know you care about her friends because you care so much about her.

3. Be in the know about the "Nos." No booze, no drugs, no hotel rooms, no riding without seatbelts. No exceptions--no matter how persistently he argues: "But, Dad! Everyone is doing it!" Then make sure he knows that, no matter where, when, or what the situation, you will come get kid & date immediately if they find themselves in an uncomfortable or unsafe situation. And that there will be no lecture until at least the next day. Make a pact that you and he BOTH will let each other know where you are and who you're with, all evening, no exceptions. Be sure he has access to a phone to reach you.

4. Keep your head when, all around you, others are losing their shoulder straps. Wearing "sexy" clothes (and dyeing hair) is normal adolescent behavior. It can be a teenager's self-directed experiment in self-definition. Dad's job is to let her know that he loves her for who she is, now and forever. Meanwhile, you are not a dork if you set a dress code, but be willing to compromise or (even better) develop a dress code together.

5. Beauty is in the eye of Dad. Always remember how important your opinions are to your child or stepchild. A kid needs to know that Dad thinks he is wonderful inside and out. Tell him he glows by just being himself. Remember: no tux, dress, hairdo or flowers can match the true, inner beauty you see in your children.

6. Yes, Dad, Prom costs money. So set a budget early. Talk honestly with each other about the cost of tickets, dress/tux/suit, flowers, parties, etc. Then work out a realistic plan for what you can afford together, letting her share some of the load.

7. Simple is the new black. Many kids and families (and, sadly, some schools) invest so much in Prom that it seems like a bigger deal than a wedding. While teens want to fit in, they also like to be different. So offer the "simple" approach to Prom as the way to be radically different. Skip the limo (dress up & be the chauffeur yourself), skip the high-priced labels (many fine togs hang in thrift and consignment shops), and skip the Royal Banquet (suggest the old-fashioned idea of post-Prom bowling or making a scene eating at the local diner in tuxes and gowns).

8. Do the Dad Dance. Make sure he knows how to slow dance with class and style. Practice with him and Mom or Stepmom to some songs from your Prom days.

9. Lock in on lock-ins. If the school hosts a post-Prom overnight lock-in, make sure you know what will be happening there and get her commitment to observe all the rules (including the one about having fun). If you volunteer to chaperone, make the following deal with a fellow chaperone: "I promised my daughter that I wouldn't hover around her and her date. So, if you keep a close eye on my kid, I'll cover your flank by keeping a close eye on your kid."

10. C'mon over! Avoid the post-Prom party minefield by having your kid and a handful of his friends (and even their dates!) over to your house for a relaxed, substance-free, and well-chaperoned get-together. Let them attend another non-school post-Prom party ONLY if you know the host family very well, they have a substance-free policy (& the parents know there's going to be a party!)

11. Breaking up doesn't mean the party's over. If she breaks up with her date before Prom, encourage her to go with one or more other friends, even if there isn't any romantic interest. But most of all, respect how she's feeling, hear her out, support her, and follow her lead.

12. Leave the light on. Wait up until he gets home, and then enjoy the fruit of your trust in each other-the great stories he'll tell about the Prom.

Learn more about healthy fathering @ www.TheDadMan.com.

Tips for Dads & Daughters Watching the Super Bowl Together

2010-01-25T09:01:00.001-06:00

One of a Dad's simple pleasures is watching TV sports together with his kids and/or stepkids. But what about those moments (like during some questionable commercials) when you want to cover your child's eyes (especially your daughter’s) with your hands?

Here are a few simple tips to help fathers and stepfathers get more out of watching February 7's Super Bowl 44 (and other TV sportscasts) with their daughters.

1. Spend part of Sunday (or any) afternoon tossing the ball around with your kids. Dads who are physically active with their daughters (& sons) increase the odds that they'll grow up healthy and strong.
2. If she doesn't like to play catch, take a walk or bike ride together. Let your daughter know that you enjoy being with her. The time together may give her an opportunity to share what is going on in her life. Kids may see our enthusiasm for sports and think we're more interested in our favorite team than in them. Making time for them on Super Bowl Sunday (and every other day) can counter that perception.
3. Try to watch the broadcast through her eyes. Would any images, commercials, or events look or feel different if it was your daughter on the screen? What does she think of all the hype about commercials during the game? Share your perceptions with her and ask what she thinks.
4. When watching the game, be aware that the things your child or stepchild sees may be entirely different from what you see. For example, instead of enjoying the game, is your daughter feeling inadequate while comparing her body to the "perfect" cheerleaders or hyper-sexualized women in the ads? What misconceptions might the commercials give your son about what it means to be a "real" man?
5. Use the remote! If you see disrespectful or objectifying ads and images, change the channel so you, your kids, and your family don't have those images in your home. Let your kids know why you decided to flip and ask for their feedback.
6. Compare the number of female sports announcers (many fewer) and their roles (usually on the sidelines) to the number and role of the male announcers. Tell your kids what you think about those numbers. Do they mean that your daughter can't be as big a fan as you or your son? Do you want your sons or daughters to have their career aspirations curtailed by their gender?
7. Ask your kids which players and coaches they admire or see as heroes. Tell them which ones you admire, and then share your reasons with each other.
8. After the game, debate your opinions on the crucial plays and most exciting moments. Then invite your children or stepchildren to do something special together next Sunday to keep these conversations rolling and to convince them that the most important man in their lives takes them seriously-and enjoys being with them!
9. Use the Super Bowl to become more media-literate and sensitive to your daughter's experience. Pay more attention to how media portray boys, girls, women and men. When you see an advertisement or program, ask "What if it was my child in that picture?", and then reassess your reaction to it.

Get more fathering resources at www.TheDadMan.com.

Dads Can Help Daughters with Body Image

2010-01-12T07:17:00.003-06:00

Daughters need their dads and stepdads now more than ever. Fathers make a huge difference in their daughters’ lives. Showing up, standing by, and listening are the first steps.

Here are some suggestions specifically about body image, adapted from the book Father Hunger: Fathers, Daughters, and the Pursuit of Thinness by my friend Margo D. Maine PhD, FAED:

Know what you don’t know. Learn about your daughter’s life. Don’t believe that your experience and hers are similar; in fact, you are years and cultures apart. Respect the differences.
Consider the many impacts globalization will have on her life. Think about the variety of skills and coping mechanisms she will need to succeed in her world. Do what you can to help her develop these.
Show interest in her activities. Don’t just expect her to tag along with you or to like the things you like. Enter her world, by sharing her music, going places that she wants to visit, and doing things she enjoys.
Take the quiz, How Well Am I Doing as My Daughter’s Father to assess the gaps in your knowledge about your daughter’s life. Commit to improving your score and take it again in 2 months.
Watch what she is exposed to on TV or the internet. Set rules about both- endless solitary hours with either are not necessarily healthy. Encourage alternative media, like the girl-run New Moon Girl Media.
Encourage her to identify and discuss her emotions and opinions. Let her disagree with you without withdrawing your affection. Show respect for the differences between you.
Teach her to say no and set limits. This will prepare her for situations that might compromise or even endanger her.
Help your daughter develop values other than consumerism. Share some of yours and create opportunities to enjoy nature, reading, the arts, sports, music, cultivation of friendships, volunteerism, or other activities.
Show respect for real women of substance. Be aware of your attitudes toward women, their appearance, and their achievements. Point out the contributions women make in your community or family.
Watch what you say about women’s bodies. Criticizing women’s weight and appearance has become a normal activity - you may not realize the power of what you say to your daughter.
Be Your Brother’s Keeper. Challenge your male friends and associates when they show disrespect for women, objectify them, or make sexist remarks. A little bit of this can go a long way to helping to create a better world for your daughter.
Promote respect for all shapes and sizes. Weightism is rampant today. Take stock of your attitudes toward fat people. Become aware of your prejudices and work to change them.
Examine your own weight, eating, or body image issues. Men are not immune to these concerns, as they are experiencing more and more pressure around appearance today. Make peace with your own body and treat it well.
Maintain a diet-free home. Encourage enjoyment of food, moderate exercise, and a healthy, balanced lifestyle. Rules about food only backfire and contribute to eating and weight problems.
Emphasize inner beauty. Talk about what you value in people and in her. Help her to see that she is more than an image to you.
Become more media-literate. Discuss unrealistic images when you see them on billboards, TV or at the movies. Help her to identify and reject the distortions in visual media.
Rid your home and work environment of anything that promotes Body Wars or objectifies women. Magazines like the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue and pin-up calendars breed body dissatisfaction and self degradation. Many standard men’s magazines are full of demeaning images of women. Look around carefully and clean up your space.
Let her find and follow her passions. Encourage her in academics, sports, and other activities, whether they are traditionally feminine or masculine.
Determine if her school has gender-equity and sexual harassment policies. If they don’t, set up a task force. This will make her world safer.
Don’t let adolescence scare you away. When she starts to develop sexually, stay close and involved, while respecting her need for more control and boundaries.
Encourage positive female role models. Be sure she has caring women in her life to help her learn about her body and sexuality as she moves through puberty, especially if her mother is not part of her life.
Raise better boys. Spend time with sons and boys, sharing your values and helping them to become sensitive to women, instead of leaving them to a misogynistic culture.
Let her get to know you. Share your life and interests with her. Be real and honest, and get out of the role of Superman. This will help her negotiate other relationships with male authority figures.

The Holidays: Acquisition or Altruism?

2009-12-01T08:26:00.001-06:00

For parents trying to pass on positive values to children in a commercialized culture, the December holidays pose an especially difficult challenge. Each year, holiday marketing begins earlier. And our children, targets for marketing all year round, face an ever-intensified onslaught of advertising designed to supplant the cultural, spiritual, social-political meaning of the holidays with celebration of materialistic acquisition instead of altruism, spending instead of spirituality, and getting instead of giving.

That’s why I wrote a contribution to the Campaign for Commercial Free Childhood’s CCFC Guide to Commercial-Free Holidays.

Of course, there's no one size fits all method for getting through the holidays with your values intact. So the CCFC guide provides an array of suggestions, from people we respect and admire, for reclaiming your family celebrations from marketers. Please check it out.

Dads & Daughters® Gratitude

2009-11-23T13:35:00.001-06:00

Here’s a quick and simple exercise, appropriate for Thanksgiving week, to better understand how important you and your daughter or stepdaughter are to each other.

Jot down 10 things you are grateful for as a Dad. Make sure that at least 5 of those things relate directly to your daughter—what you are grateful to her for…or what it is about her that you want to give thanks for.

Type up your list and print it out nicely so that you can present it to your daughter. Feel free to decorate it, use fancy fonts, or keep it very simple. Then, give it to her.

Invite your daughter to write down 10 things she is grateful for about being a part of the family you both belong to—and invite her to share that list with the rest of the family.

Few of us spend a lot of conscious energy thinking about gratitude, so it can’t take some effort and concentration to articulate the things for which we are grateful. That’s OK—like most essential things in fathering, what is hard is also worthwhile.

Here at The Dad Man and Dads & Daughters®, we’re very grateful that you care so much about healthy, engaged fathering. Happy Thanksgiving!

Dads & Daughters in Tulsa Newspaper

2009-11-12T16:30:00.001-06:00

Check out my interview in today’s Tulsa World – and if you’re in the Tulsa area, come join us Friday night and introduce yourself!

Does Your Daughter Have DadHair?

2009-10-29T14:13:00.004-05:00

It’s pretty common for folks to send me “review copies (aka samples) of fathering books. Many are self-published or published by very tiny presses. I’m an author and editor myself, so I’m pretty picky (judgmental?) when it comes to fathering books like this and it’s rare to get one that I’d recommend.

Recently, I was (pleasantly) shocked to get a book that is simultaneously a small-press project (or even self-published; it’s hard to tell), incredibly useful, laugh-out-loud funny, and rooted in understanding about the importance of dad-daughter connection.

It’s called Does Your Daughter Have DADHAIR? A step-by-step guide for Dadsby Craig Lawrey.

DYDHDH has great humor, clever design and a couple of girls who seem incredibly eager to poke fun at Craig by being photographed in truly horrific hairstyles. Fortunately, the girls are also willing to be photographed as a dad (Craig, I assume) demonstrates how to master untangling hair, the bun, the princess loopy loop, the braid and other basic hair moves.

At the same time, Craig’s book also reminds us that it’s OK to be imperfect as a dad and that, when it comes to parenting, “the true joy comes from helping them along on their journey” rather than fretting about their destination.

This is a very funny book that ought to be in the bookshelf, bathroom, or toolbox of every father who has a daughter over age 2. Check out Craig’s site & blog @ www.DadHair.com.

Dads & Daughters® Tips for Halloween

2009-10-28T13:49:00.001-05:00

I know most costumes are already done, but some folks asked me to post this so they could access it. Enjoy!

1. Help her think outside the box (especially boxes of store-bought costumes). Imagination and creativity can help girls break out of gender stereotypes...and are great practice for reality.

2. Encourage her to be anyone or anything for Halloween--and the rest of her life. Help her to be inspired by real women doing wild, brave and phenomenal things.

3. Listen to her ideas and encourage all the possibilities. She is bombarded with pink princesses, sexy divas and pop stars, but don't assume anything-let her costume choice surprise you!

4. Discuss and work on Halloween costumes together. It's a great learning and bonding experience. Help her recall the best costumes she ever saw, and share some favorites from your childhood.

5. Add her own twist to pink and glitter, and have her character DO something. Help her imagine a feisty fairy taking on the evil dragon, a butterfly that saves the insect world, or a queen who fights for her country with sheath and sword. She can be a glittered firefighter, or even a sparkly skeleton!

6. Sit down and let your daughter create her own character and story. She can raid the family closets or dress up box to become the wildest or coolest character ever!

7. Tap her love for scary stories and the history of Halloween; help her go "traditional" and be a witch, Frankenstein, or a ghost. Avoid those sexy diva witch costumes; use your own imagination to create the scary, ugly, and awful look.

8. Draw on her favorite book or character. Reread the book with her to plan what she'll need to "be" Anne of Green Gables, Dorothy of Oz, or Hermione Granger. And don't rule out boy characters: Dracula, Harry Potter, or even Dumbledore!

9. Is your daughter an athlete or history buff? Halloween is a chance to become Lorena Ochoa, Mia Hamm, Danica Patrick, Sheryl Swoopes, Se Ri Pak, Rosa Parks, Amelia Earhart, Joan of Arc, Harriet Tubman, Sally Ride, Golda Meir-the list is endless (and can include males)! Her Jane Goodall can carry a stuffed gorilla; her Van Gogh can wear a bandage on his ear-once you start brainstorming, ideas will flood in.

10. Halloween is all about being what you aren't...help her stretch her imagination. Teach her that it's false advertising when stores label cowpoke, police officer and firefighter costumes as "for boys." (Then introduce her to the female police officers and fire fighters in your community!) Halloween is a day of imagination-a perfect opportunity to show her that she can be anyone, any profession, any role.

Learn more about healthy fathering @ www.TheDadMan.com.

Making a Difference-Preventing Violence

2009-09-02T14:22:00.001-05:00

As fathers and stepfathers of daughters, we realize our unique responsibility to assist in the primary prevention of sexual and domestic violence. But too many men don’t think we have a role.

That’s why I’d like you to join me at the “Men Can Make A Difference” conference October 2nd ad 3rd At Cragun’s Resort outside Brainerd, Minnesota. I’ll be conducting two workshops there and the featured speakers include Tony Porter (left) Co-Founder of A Call to Men and Robert Jensen (right), the University of Texas professor who does so much to show pornography’s devastating role in defining masculinity.

Learn more and register at www.menaspeacemakers.org/programs/mnman/conference.

I hope to see you there.

Dads, Daughters and School

2009-09-01T17:33:00.001-05:00

School is starting up again around the country—a good time to remind ourselves how much impact dads & stepdads have on our daughters’ academic success.

A father has a direct impact when he is vocal with his attention to his daughter's academic and extra-curricular activities. Even when our involvement is as simple as asking our daughters about their schoolwork, she’s better off. Imagine the effect on the world if even a few more fathers got more engaged in our daughter’s lives and schooling.

I love doing her science projects with her, and encouraging her to think about doing things on the computer. We’ve been doing a project on how and why siphoning works. She had to come up with a hypothesis, and she didn’t quite understand what a hypothesis was. So we talked about it. “It’s a guess, it’s an educated guess. What do you think will happen, and why does it work?” “The air pushes the water.” ‘Okay, let’s go prove it, or disprove it. And then you revise it.” We have fun doing those kinds of projects. I absolutely enjoy science, and that’s a lot of fun, partially because I get to show off a little bit, too. -- Jerry

It feels good to show off what we know to our kids. When our daughters see us excited and proud about our knowledge and skills (no matter what they are), their own excitement and pride in learning is affirmed. Whether fathers share knowledge we gained from work or hobbies, they seem to have a special ability to spark interest in daughters. This helps girls learn that they can handle the knowledge and skills needed to be an adult with responsibilities, careers and hobbies.

Real Men Have Daughters

2009-08-28T15:52:00.001-05:00

Raising a daughter is unmapped territory for a father. But it’s territory where there’s no use for running away or stomping angrily around in circles. In daughter territory, we learn that we lose none of our true masculinity when our daughters draw out our “feminine side."

When my daughter Nia, after eleven years of training, danced a lead part in a ballet, I sat in the darkened auditorium feeling chills, my eyes filling with tears. I was choked up with love, pride and awe at her amazing passion, emotion and determination. My own emotions rolled over and welled up within me, catching me by surprise. After all, I'd proudly observed other displays of Nia’s talents and I knew I was going to feel proud watching her that night.

But the intensity and suddenness of my tears was, at first, disturbing. As a man, I’m used to having greater control over my emotions. But as the power of the moment continued, I realized that these new feelings were exactly what I wanted to feel as Nia’s father. She drew those emotions out of me, and that brought me closer to her. Being a father means being a man, and being a father means tapping deep and sometimes unfamiliar springs of feeling and experience.

That’s very hard for some fathers to admit. Emotional expression feels threatening to many men, but for my money, “real men” are the guys who see this kind of ongoing, intimate involvement in fathering as a badge of honor.

Tall Tales Cast a Long Shadow

2009-08-26T20:39:00.001-05:00

Everybody loves a good tale, whether it’s tall or very, very short. Creating and writing stories together is great fun and can tap into your best inventive, inspired imagination! Plus, story-telling is an activity that grows with your daughter—you can make up stories together, no matter how old she is. As the years pass, the tales tend to get longer and more interesting—and no less fun. Below one simple way to start.

Pick a topic, any topic. Then simply start telling a story about it. After about a minute of riffing on the story, turn it over to your daughter and listen closely to where she takes the characters and plot. After another minute, she tosses the story back to you, and back and forth you go, wherever your joint imaginations and the characters lead you.

Keep in mind that the first few times you do this activity, it may seem a little flat. And the first few exchanges in any particular story may (or may not) be a little flat. Don’t sweat it or think you’re failing. Instead, think of these initial efforts as first drafts. Most “real” writers hardly ever use first drafts—we do first drafts to get the pump primed and the juices flowing.

When our daughters were ten, we drove from Northern Minnesota to Disney World and back, with some detours to visit relatives, friends, and historic sites in Atlanta. That trip was the first time the girls ever saw a Waffle House restaurant, and they were fascinated—because they loved waffles. So when we started making up a fairy tale in the car, it became known as “The Waffle Story,” starring Ann Tellet (a work colleague of my wife’s who took a real shine to the kids), who solved mysteries and went on adventures. Her biggest adventure was into the world of dinettes. Why? Because we drove past a store that was called (really!) “The World of Dinettes.”

My point is, there is nothing too silly, illogical, spontaneous, or tangential to include in a talking story riff. Run with it as long as it feels like you’re both still being creative and stimulated. Just stay in touch with your three Is: inventive, inspired imagination. Long road trips are a great time to trot this activity out. You may have so much fun, that you and your daughters will remember that story decades later!

Learn more @ www.TheDadMan.com

Dads & Daughters® Tips for Easing The Back-to-School Transition

2009-08-21T04:42:00.001-05:00

The start of the new school year can be a nerve-wracking time for our daughters and step daughters. Here are 10 tips to help smooth the way.

1. Listen to what’s happening. If she’s stressed or upset about cliques, teams, new subjects, or anything else—give her your attention. Provide her time to get things out and do some processing before jumping in with judgments or suggestions.

3. Set the stage. Ask your daughter what a successful school year would look like for her—friends, sports, activities, dating—and then have her tell you about how important each goal is to her and if she thinks each one is realistic. It’s OK to discuss your expectations regarding grades, but remember the important lessons learned outside the classroom and all the pressures which face our kids today.

4. Nurture your special father- daughter bond. Go out for ice cream, go swimming, shoot hoops, or do something you know she loves. The beginning of school is a great time to begin a new tradition. How about a lunch date the last Saturday of every month?

6. Walk a mile in her shoes. Try to imagine what she’s experiencing and what it means to her. Your understanding and empathy can help her make it through her own trials.

To learn more about healthy fathering, visit www.TheDadMan.com.