Daily Jokes - A Clean Joke Everyday!

Someone Stole Something From Me! #jokes

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 15:00:00 +0000

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

Wife isn't in the car

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 15:00:00 +0000

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

Picking on a tardy student

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 15:00:00 +0000

A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day's lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.

"And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?" the professor asked.

"I don't know," the student said.

"Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know," said the professor.

"That's not true," the student replied. "I never pay attention anyway!"

How far to the town?

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 15:00:00 +0000

A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town.

A rancher rode past.

"Say, friend", called out one of the men, "how far is it to the next town?"

"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.

"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly.

"Oh, a good two miles."

A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. "Hey, how far's the next town?"

"Not far," was the encouraging answer, "only about two miles."

"Well," sighed the optimistic sergeant, "thank God, we're holding our own, anyhow!"

Bribing Your Professor #joke

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 15:00:00 +0000

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in.

The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.

Make it off the island #joke

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 15:00:00 +0000

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore."

So she swam out five miles, and got really tired.

She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve."

So she attempts to swim out.

The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired.

After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too."

So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island.

The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

Halloween: Why wasn't the vampire working? #jokes #halloween

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 04:00:00 +0000

Q: Why wasn't the vampire working?

A: He was on his coffin break.

Halloween: Why are black cats such good singers? #jokes #halloween

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 02:00:00 +0000

Why are black cats such good singers?

They're very meowsical.

Halloween: Why did the vampire's lunch give her heartburn? #jokes #halloween

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Q: Why did the vampire's lunch give her heartburn?

A: It was a stake sandwich.

Halloween Delivery #jokes #halloween

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 22:00:00 +0000

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.

I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."

The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

Halloween: Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating #jokes #halloween

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 20:00:00 +0000

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

Halloween: Mummy Music #joke

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 18:00:00 +0000

Q: What kind of music do mummies listen to?

A: Wrap!

Halloween: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? #joke

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 16:00:00 +0000

Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

A: Because he didn't have any guts.

Halloween: Fixing My Headstone #joke

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 14:00:00 +0000

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

Halloween: What do goblins and ghosts drink...

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 09:00:00 +0000

What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween?

Ghoul-aid!!!

Top 10 Houses to Avoid During Trick-or-Treating

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 14:00:00 +0000

Here are the Top 10 Types of Houses that your should take special care to avoid during Trick-or-Treating:

10. Any house that seems to be sinking or imploding into a hole in the ground.

9. Any house made of gingerbread with lots of frosting.

8. Any house that has ornamental lawn Hell Hounds and Gargoyles.

7. Any house whose only entrance is through the basement.

6. Any house where all the windows are glowing with eerie green or red light.

5. Any house that keeps growling, "Get out" or "Come in"

4. Any house where the trophy animal heads on the walls are moving or talking.

3. Any house that has a bloody wood chipper prominently displayed in the front yard and is running.

2. Any house with a yard full of statues of people in odd running poses.

1. Any house that wasn't there a couple of minutes ago.

A student's request for extra money

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 14:00:00 +0000

A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.

His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"

"Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the kid.

So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?"

"Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000."

"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy???"

"Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!"

I have a magical dancing duck

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 14:00:00 +0000

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

What movies teach us about computers...

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 14:00:00 +0000

COMPUTERS AND ELECTRONICS:

As depicted in movies, Word processors never display a cursor.

You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

All monitors display inch-high letters that are easily readable.

High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress").

All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.

All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.

People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see "Demolition Man" and countless others).

Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.

When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.

Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three- dimensional,active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability.

Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.

Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see "Alien", "2001").

Your kid has been kidnapped

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 14:00:00 +0000

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

Physical training job

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 14:00:00 +0000

The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers.

"I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a bicycle," he explained. "Now begin!"

After a few minutes, one of the men stopped.

"Why did you stop. Smith?" demanded the officer.

"If you please, sir," said Smith, "I'm freewheeling for a while."

What causes people to have arthritis?

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 14:00:00 +0000

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"

"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Bill Gates picks his own punishment

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 14:00:00 +0000

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.

"And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

Want me to paint for you?

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 14:00:00 +0000

A blonde was recently fired from an M & M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter.

"I'm here for the paint job," she said.

"Alright," said the man. "Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house."

The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating.

After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, "I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn't a Porsche out back. It's a new BMW.

Tip the Pizza Delivery Boy

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 14:00:00 +0000

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." "Is that so?" snorted Larry. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."

"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.

The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."