Daily Jokes - A Clean Joke Everyday!

Blonde Joke: Fallen bridge #jokes

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:00:00 +0000

A blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river.

The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the bridge fell down.

She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back.

He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back."

She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off on me!"

Fishing On The Lake #jokes

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 15:00:00 +0000

A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.

The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar.

Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can't swim I'd be disgraced.

"Don't worry," the general said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water."

Students: Would you please move your cars? #jokes

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 15:00:00 +0000

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom:

"Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing."

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:

"Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class."

Blondes Jokes: Row, Row, Row Your Boat #jokes

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 15:00:00 +0000

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

Brag About Your Military Parents

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 15:00:00 +0000

An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.

"My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?"

"Yes," said the Navy brat.

"My dad has built them."

Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?"

"Yes."

"It's my dad who's killed it!"

Thanksgiving One-Liner Jokes #jokes #thanksgiving

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 15:00:00 +0000

Here are four one liner jokes to get you in the mood for Thanksgiving!

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside

Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks

Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play

What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?
The turKEY

What did the turkey say before it was roasted?
Boy! I'm stuffed!

One Liners, Thanksgiving Jokes

Where is this bus going?

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 15:00:00 +0000

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

This Pill Allows You To Fly #jokes

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 15:00:00 +0000

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

How do I get across that river? #jokes

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 15:00:00 +0000

A blonde is walking along, lost, and encounters a deep and wide river. She looks up and down the river for a way across but is unsuccessful in finding one. Yet, when looking to the other side again, she happened to see another blonde on the opposite river bank. She tried calling to her.

"How can I get to the other side of the river?" she shouts loudly.

The other blonde replied "What for? You are already on the other side of the river!"

Indian Chief's Signal #jokes

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 15:00:00 +0000

An Indian chief is driving his Cadillac somewhere at Nevada. Suddenly his car gets broken. He examines it, and reveals that a technician must be called. But the chief has only $4, and no credit card.

So he gathers some wood, makes a fire and signals his tribe with its smoke: "Hey, send somebody to my location with $500!"

The tribe accepts this signal, but to make sure in its meaning, signals back - once again, with the smoke:

"OK, chief, but why so much ?"

At this moment a ground test of nuclear bomb is being held on the test field nearby. A huge mushroom-like cloud of smoke rises into the sky...

The tribe signals:

"Ok, Ok, chief, we just wondered, why to be so angry?"

Email List Users Changing Light Bulbs #jokes

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 15:00:00 +0000

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Exactly five hundred.

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed.

7 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently or to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

21 to flame the spell checkers.

49 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

20 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

32 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb.

69 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

41 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list.

106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.

2 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add pointedly, "Me Too."

6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

9 to quote the "Me Too's" and happily add, "Me Three!"

3 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

24 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.

53 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

An Amazing Golf Ball #jokes

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 15:00:00 +0000

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"

The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"

"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"

"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"

"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."

"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"

"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."

"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"

"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"

The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?"

"I found it."

The Football Turkey #jokes #football #thanksgiving

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 15:00:00 +0000

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.

Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.

When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!!

Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."

"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

Football Jokes, Thanksgiving Jokes

Someone Stole Something From Me! #jokes

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 15:00:00 +0000

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

Wife isn't in the car

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 15:00:00 +0000

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

Picking on a tardy student

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 15:00:00 +0000

A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day's lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.

"And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?" the professor asked.

"I don't know," the student said.

"Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know," said the professor.

"That's not true," the student replied. "I never pay attention anyway!"

How far to the town?

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 15:00:00 +0000

A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town.

A rancher rode past.

"Say, friend", called out one of the men, "how far is it to the next town?"

"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.

"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly.

"Oh, a good two miles."

A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. "Hey, how far's the next town?"

"Not far," was the encouraging answer, "only about two miles."

"Well," sighed the optimistic sergeant, "thank God, we're holding our own, anyhow!"

Bribing Your Professor #joke

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 15:00:00 +0000

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in.

The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.

Make it off the island #joke

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 15:00:00 +0000

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore."

So she swam out five miles, and got really tired.

She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve."

So she attempts to swim out.

The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired.

After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too."

So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island.

The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

Halloween: Why wasn't the vampire working? #jokes #halloween

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 04:00:00 +0000

Q: Why wasn't the vampire working?

A: He was on his coffin break.

Halloween: Why are black cats such good singers? #jokes #halloween

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 02:00:00 +0000

Why are black cats such good singers?

They're very meowsical.

Halloween: Why did the vampire's lunch give her heartburn? #jokes #halloween

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Q: Why did the vampire's lunch give her heartburn?

A: It was a stake sandwich.

Halloween Delivery #jokes #halloween

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 22:00:00 +0000

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.

I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."

The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

Halloween: Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating #jokes #halloween

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 20:00:00 +0000

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

Halloween: Mummy Music #joke

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 18:00:00 +0000

Q: What kind of music do mummies listen to?

A: Wrap!