Daily Jokes - A Clean Joke Everyday!

Gifts For A Teacher #joke #humor

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 15:00:00 +0000

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers."

"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess,"" she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

"Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

The Hot Shot #joke #humor

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 19:00:00 +0000

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ""Can I help you?""

The man said, ""Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

The Stanford Study #joke #humor

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 15:00:00 +0000

A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder.

The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses the day after the ad came out.

All from the same person.

Knock-Knock Amos #joke #humor

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 15:00:00 +0000

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Amos.

Amos who?

A mosquito bit me.

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Andy,

Andy Who?

And he bit me again!

Where's Miss Jones? #joke #humor

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 15:00:00 +0000

Two moving van men were taking things into a house.

One said, "Joe, help me move this chest."

Joe asked, "Why? Did miss Jones tell you to?"

"No.", replied Tom.

"Then how do you know she wants it moved?" asked Joe.

"Because she's under it."

Why isn't your nose... #joke #humor

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 15:00:00 +0000

Why isn't your nose 12-inches long?

Because then it would be a foot!

Look at that bunch of cows! #joke #humor

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 15:00:00 +0000

City Lady: Look at that bunch of cows.

Cowboy: No, herd.

City Lady: Heard of what?

Cowboy: Herd of cows.

City Lady: Sure, I've heard of cows!

Cowboy: No, a cow herd.

City Lady: What do I care what a cow heard? I've got no secrets from a cow!

Bill, Wash Your Face! #joke #humor

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 15:00:00 +0000

Dad: Bill, wash your face! I can see what you had for breakfast this morning.

Bill: What did I have?

Dad: Eggs.

Bill: Wrong. That was yesterday!

A Lawyer's Billing #joke #humor

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Sun, 25 Sep 2011 21:50:00 +0000

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Believing in Life After Death? #joke #humor

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Sat, 24 Sep 2011 15:00:00 +0000

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

Timmy, Where's Your Homework? #joke #humor

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 14:00:00 +0000

"Timmy, where's your homework?" Miss Smith said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.

"My dog ate it," was Timmy's solemn response.

"Timmy, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"

"It's true, Miss Smith I swear," insisted Timmy. "I had to force him, but he ate it!"

The Politician and the Woman #joke #humor

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 14:00:00 +0000

The politician said to a woman, "You sure do look beautiful today!!!!"

The woman replied, "Thanks, but unfortunately I could not say the same to you."

"Sure you could!!" said the politician, "if you could lie as well as I do!"

Playing Country Music Backwards #joke #humor

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 14:00:00 +0000

What happens when you sing country / western music backwards?

You get your wife, your car, your dog, and your job back.

Math Class for Jimmy #joke #humor

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 14:00:00 +0000

The math teacher saw that little Jimmy wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, "Jimmy! what are 24, 11, 4 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "ESPN, FOX, NBC and the Nickelodeon!"

The Rich Man and His Rolex Watch #joke #humor

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 14:00:00 +0000

A rich man opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You rich people are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my goodness...," replied the rich man, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!!!!!"

Four Engineers were traveling in a car...

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Sun, 18 Sep 2011 14:00:00 +0000

There are four engineers traveling in a car;:

A mechanical engineer
A chemical engineer
An electrical engineer
A computer engineer.

The car breaks down.

“Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again”, says the mechanical engineer.

“Well”, says the chemical engineer, “it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.”

“I thought it might be a grounding problem”, says the electrical engineer, “or maybe a faulty plug lead.”

They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: “Well, what do you think?”

“Ummm perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?”

Twas the Day After Christmas #joke #humor

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Sun, 26 Dec 2010 15:00:00 +0000

'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
While upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Nikes and jeans,
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little brown truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "US Post Service", man.

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

"Now Nordstrom's, now Macy's, now Best Buy's and Sears
Here's Pottery Barn, Gap, and Target and Kohl.
To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now charge away--charge away--charge away all!"

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"Enjoy what you got. . . . . .you'll be paying all year!"

Christmas Joke: How can a snowman lose weight? #joke #humor

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Sat, 25 Dec 2010 19:00:00 +0000

How can a snowman lose weight?

He waits until it gets warmer!

Christmas: The Millionaire Gift #joke #humor

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Sat, 25 Dec 2010 15:00:00 +0000

The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap.

Now, we all know that Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him and asked 'What do you want for Christmas?'

'Something for my mother, please,' replied young lady sweetly.

'Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of you,' smiled Santa. 'What do would you like me to bring her?'

Without pausing, the lady answered quickly, 'A millionaire son-in-law.'

It's Christmas Eve!

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Fri, 24 Dec 2010 23:00:00 +0000

What did Adam say to his girlfriend on December 24th?

'It's Christmas! Eve.'

Christmas Eve Joke: Blackmail

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Fri, 24 Dec 2010 16:00:00 +0000

What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve?

Black mail!

Funny Computer Questions #joke #humor

noreply@blogger.com (Ken Hanscom) — Sun, 17 Oct 2010 14:00:00 +0000

A woman called the Hewlett-Packard (HP) help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.” The woman responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.”

Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard drive?”
Customer: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?”

Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: “I’d like a mouse mat, please.”
Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.”
Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”

Customer: “Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?”
Customer: “So that’ll get me connected to the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Yeah.”
Customer: “And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.”

Customer: “My computer crashed!”
Tech Support: “It crashed?”
Customer: “Yeah, it won’t let me play my game.”
Tech Support: “Alright, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.”
Customer: “No, it didn’t crash — it crashed.”
Tech Support: “Huh?”
Customer: “I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. Now it doesn’t work.”
Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: “Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.’”
Customer: [pause] “Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?”

Twins

noreply@blogger.com (Daily Jokes Helper) — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 19:00:00 +0000

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

The haircut #jokes #humor

noreply@blogger.com (Daily Jokes Helper) — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 14:00:00 +0000

The story of someone getting a haircut.

Women's version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

FIght Competition #jokes #humor

noreply@blogger.com (Daily Jokes Helper) — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 14:00:00 +0000

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... Main entrance.