Daily Life Line

Deciding What Really Matters

2017-07-18T14:09:00.002-07:00

Imagine you have been informed that you have only a short while to live. Unpleasant I am sure as it is to imagine, what comes to mind? What would you do with the rest of your life. What would you want to do? Who would you spend that time with? Asking yourself the big questions, and imagining yourself in the most pressure-filled situations is the best way that I know to come into an awareness of Self. Knowledge of Self is the prerequisite for knowing what you'd do in any given situation and what matters most to you.

It has been my privilege to provide mental health services to people of ages ranging from 3 years to 105 years. Regardless of age, sex, gender, sexual orientation, race, and/or religion, what I have learned of humanity is that above all other things only a few things really matter to us: Love; Family; Achievement; Happiness; and Kindness. We seek and find these vital elements through our pursuit of virtues. Among the Loyalty, Generosity, Trust, Faith, Courage, Honor, and Honesty.

Unfortunately, the trappings of modern society and the observance of the passing of time too often distract us from tending to that which matters most. Master Bruce Lee impressed upon his student that knowing what you feel "is like a finger pointing to the moon. Don't focus on the finger or you will miss all the heavenly glory."

There are things that quicken your soul, brighten the world around you, and cause you to radiate positive energy out into the universe. If you haven't found those things, keep seeking. If you know what they are but have neglected them, stop stalling. And if you are living a life of passion, share it with those who matter to you.

Don't Waste Your Time Reading This

2017-07-16T22:40:00.001-07:00

If you're reading this already, you are one of the hopefully few people that needs to read this. Internet articles and blog posts are a newer way for people prone to procrastinate to excel at wasting their time. I recently read an "article" about 40 things men over 40 should no longer say, and I quickly realized it was a complete waste of time. While it did stimulate thoughts and contribute commentary to a few pseudointellectual discussions and help pass the time spent on the toilet, it did little to actually improve my life. That is the case with 90% of the things you can read on the internet.

Before writing this blog post, I saw an article on how to stop procrastinating. Instead of clicking on the link, I simply answered the question for myself and found my answer just as helpful as anything I might find in the article. The answer was, in part, not read the damn article.

In the time I could be reading someone's possibly well expressed thoughts on how to stop procrastinating, I can write my own quick article and at least feel like I was productive. Similarly, rather than reading this blog post you could be getting a workout in, cleaning the house, planting a garden, reading a book to your child, or doing work for your job.

Life is a series of precious moments that don't deserve to be wasted. You can't get the time back. If you get into the habit of clicking and reading every catchy headline, you could be wasting a lot of your life consuming information that does next to nothing to enrich your life.

Defending a Curse

2013-02-17T22:29:00.000-08:00

I am always in awe of the ways and lengths people will go to to defend a curse. Most of us have something or someone in our lives that brings us down, holds us back, and dims our light. And oh so often, we have people who care enough to tell us about our curses; our problems. Even better still, there are times when we make ourselves aware of the issues that are barriers to the full unfolding of our higher selves. But anyone who watched G.I. Joe as a kid knows that "knowing is only half the battle."

Republican House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (VA) knows that women should be protected from violence with the full weight of the law, but he currently is leading his colleagues in an effort to defeat the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA). This Act has been passed for 13 years without problem because everyone knows that women (like all life) should be protected from violence. Congress has acted on this Act consistently and affirmatively until three new provisions became Republican deal breakers. The three provisions were for the protection of women in the LGBT community, undocumented immigrants, and Native American women.

Sounds overtly homophobic, nationalistic, and racist you might think. Perhaps Eric Cantor and John Boehner (Speaker of the House and R-OH) have a reasonable explanation for their resistance to passing the VAWA. Up until now their talking point has been that they know women ought to be protected from violence, but these new provisions are political in nature and foster big government. Cantor spokespeople have said that it is a mistake for Tribal Courts to have jurisdiction over prosecuting domestic violence cases and that jurisdiction should remain with the State and Federal Courts. Under one new provision this would change so that the domestic violence cases committed on Tribal territory could be handled by the Tribal Court. Seems to me the House Majority leader acknowledges there is a problem but chooses not to act. The problem here is that the majority of domestic violence cases involving Native women also involve non-Native men. Because of the inaction of State and Federal officials, the majority of these non-Native men go unpunished by law. It's a no brainer! That's why 17 of their Republican colleagues have sent a letter to Mr. Cantor and Mr. Boehner urging them to "pass the VAWA right away" (as POTUS Barack Hussein Obama would say). The failure to pass the Act with these new provisions is an embarrasment for our country; our humanity.

My favorite proverb says, "It is better to light a candle than to sit and complain about the darkness." Just as Faith without Works is dead (James 2:14-26 Holy Bible), knowing that a problem exists and doing nothing to fix it displays no desire for growth. If you are not growing, you are dying. And if you are dying, you are not really living.

Daily Meditation
Imagine you are a tree. What is at your root? How is your trunk, your branches, and leaves? How is the air that you breathe? Attend to any problems therein. Be an inspiration to those around you, and as you grow tall and strong the entire forest around you shall become a more harmonious biosphere. Your world.

The take home message is live and grow!

This message is inspired by Latipha Cross (pictured above). After watching her interview on ESPN, I feel like a tiny slug. This young woman has overcome odds I have never imagined and she sublimates like a champion. If you missed this interview and have never heard Latipha's story, and you read this and don't check for her on youtube, you may want to avoid salt. Girls rock!

J

Trying to Avoid Complete Humiliation

2011-10-13T19:33:00.000-07:00

One of my best friends used to say he was trying to avoid complete humiliation, in response to the question, what you doin'. I always found that humorous.

The idea that humiliation is something to avoid sounds correct enough on its face. But take the word humiliation and break it into its parts, and that idea demands reform. Humility, humble, humbleness, human.

Humiliation is the state of being lowered in position either in one's own eyes or in the eyes of other's. And what is wrong with being perceived lower? Being perceived as human? Words synonymous are modesty, degrade, shame, humble, dishonor, demean, discredit, and take down. Is that beneath us? Should we avoid it or should we aspire for opportunities to be so turned?

No one has ever risen up without first being turned down. A giant no longer aspires for exaltation. He is already a giant. Instead, giant's are intrigued with appearing low. They know that there aggrandizement required their abasement. They had to find teachers, leaders, and inspirational figures to look up to. The greatest humans have faced humiliation in the most punishing of ways.

The Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was humble, beaten down, locked in jail, discredited, shamed, dishonored, disrespected, degraded, debased, and demeaned. He was fouled and murdered. Assassinated before the prime of his life. Still he is exalted above all other figures in American history and held in the highest esteem. And Jesus Christ is seen in our collective consciousness as the most humble, and at the same time seen by many Christians as part God Almighty.

And to my friend today, whom I will call on the phone in a moment only to be ignored (which matters not more than our loving bond), I will say this... What you doin'? And I will hope that his efforts in the past to avoid humiliation have failed. I love humanity, the greatest of lowly beasts on Earth.

by Dr. James Manuel

Faith and Doubt

2011-10-10T17:18:00.000-07:00

Faith is not contrary to reason. In fact, it is totally reasonable to have complete faith in your dreams; in yourself. Doubt is denegrating to the self. Believing what is best to believe in is the best policy. Regardless of its popularity with others, what matters is whether your belief lifts you up or tears you down. Believe what's best to believe with absolute faith, and you will see only victory.

Freedom vs. Oppression

2010-05-12T08:51:00.000-07:00

In my heart I believe that slavery never ended. The millions of women kidnapped around the world and sold as slaves in the modern-day sex trade are evidence of that. The children ripped from their parents' homes and thrown into forced labor can testify to that. The prisoners in the United States, the most abundant prison population in the world, can speak of the ongoing existence of slavery.

Several years ago, I began writing a theory of personality that was based on the development of people born into a society with a slave economy. In my theory, the pivotal and critical period in personality development came early in our development, but our personality development continued throughout life. The theory states: As infants, we make a choice (based on our temperments and experiences) to either resist or comply. This initial decision lays the foundation for our interpersonal patterns, our failures and successes, for the rest of our lives. Those who rebel or resist, must endure increased anxiety from the fear of negative consequences. Those who comply face increased anxiety from the constant need to fit-in, to assimilate, and approximate themselves to the standards of the dominant culture. Neither choice assures safety, but compliance increases the liklihood that one can survive.

Freud's Psychoanalytic theory posited a similar critical choice. Psychoanalysts said that infants must resolve their Oedipal and Electra complexes by identifying with the oppressor. In Psychoanalysis, the oppressor is the same-sex parent. If one does not choose to comply and become like their early oppressors, mental illness follows and one may even face castration (literal and figurative).

The United States economy was first and foremost a slave economy, and even with the abolition of slavery in the late 19th century, our economy has continued to be based on oppression of minority groups and maintaining a social structure where wealthy, protestant,White males sat atop the totem and only those that closely approximate the appearance and values of those White men can simulate aspects of their status.

Others, starting with White men and women, are afforded the privileges of simulated status; given the cushiest jobs with the highest pay. That secures the dependence of the majority of White people on the power structure, making them docile servants of the system and reducing the risk of rebellion. It also makes the dirty work of maintaining the remnant slave economy, the work of the privileged class instead of the ruling class. This is not new, but the same as the original slave system where overseers did the dirty work for the slave masters.

So now we have white collar slaves. Corporate robots. Industrial field hands. There is an ongoing battle being waged in all of us and in society. It is freedom vs. oppression. Many rebellions, armed and intellectual, have been held. Each has moved the fight for liberty forward. Each of us has to choose if, how, and when to fight.

The question for the readers of this post are: 1) What are the costs of compliance; rebellion? 2) What are the benefits of compliance; rebellion? 3) What choice did you make, comply or resist?
4) Can you look back on your life and say that your choices throughout life to comply or resist were worth it? 5) If you could go back and change your decision, would you? 6) If you can change your decision from now on, will you?

In the movie 'Matrix' the hero Neo had to make a choice to take a blue pill and remain a slave in an unreal world that was predictable and familiar, or to take the red pill and be free in a world filled with uncertainty and ugly truths about the condition of humanity. If it were as simple as taking a pill, which pill would you choose?

J

Hip Hop! Hip... Hip Pop!

2010-05-10T10:55:00.000-07:00

When pairing Jay Z with Betty White on SNL sounds like a good idea, something has changed in hip hop. Some people say that hip hop is dead. Many people malign the ever increasing trend of rappers to focus on record sales and material achievement over art and culture.

Today I briefly joined a conversation that was inspired by Dr. Cornel West talking about living and loving out loud. Dr. West and some of those commenting on his lecture were making the argument that hip hop needed to become a more positive force. This is not a new argument, and it is a popular one. I would argue that it is even a necessary one. However, I do not advocate the eradication of some sub-genres in hip hop.

I think everybody who makes the most of their opportunities to succeed in music, deserves all the rewards and applause that they receive. Far be it from me to label my preferred messengers acceptable, and admonish the message of others. Both Common and Soulja boy are necessary. Both Queen Latifah and the Queen Bee (Lil Kim) serve a function.

The only way that hip hop will die is if the human spirit dies. Only if we cease to embrace diversity and encourage creativity, will hip hop die. Only if inequality ends, if injustice ends, if suffering ends, will the voice of my generation end its oration. Hip hop is alive and well, driving our global societal evolution.

I think we need all representations of hip-hop. In differing proportions. The dominant message needs to transition toward uplifting, unifying, aspirational and away from self-centered, divisive, aspirational. The Capitalist rap can only take us so far, and if hip-hop (and those moving it) wants to remain the driving force of cultural change, it has an ethical obligation to drive responsibly.

Yes, hip hop is alive and well. I may not like everything that every artist puts out, but I can appreciate their efforts. For those ready to see a new season in hip hop... a season where the dominant message is peace and love, I say hold on. It's only been 30 years. The first wave of hip hop artists haven't even fully retired yet. Give it time. A better day soon comes.

J

There is a Hole in the Man

2010-05-07T09:03:00.000-07:00

Something is missing in humans. There is something that keeps us searching for more, taking and taking only to be satiated briefly. Today I read that Lawrence Taylor, one of the greatest players to ever play the game of football (certainly the most dominating defensive end) is locked up on rape charges.

The article said that LT had a 16 year old girl brought to his New York hotel room by a pimp who picked the recent runaway girl up off the street. She had observable injuries to her face at the time and suffered additional injuries as she was allegedly beaten and raped by LT. I don't wish to convict him without trial, but I do want to draw attention to the fact that the man still seems to be searching for something. He's had his history of using cocaine, but this new allegation goes far beyond drug abuse.

I don't understand why someone with fame and money has to rape (Ben Rothlisberger). I don't understand for that matter why anyone does. If rape is about power more than sex, what makes wealthy, powerful, influential men rape? There must be a whole in the man.

There is a story told by a tribal elder in the movie Apocalypto (Great film! I suggest checking it out. I attached a clip below). The elder starts: "And a man sat alone. Drenched deep in sadness. And all the animals drew near to him and said: "We do not like to see you so sad... Ask us for whatever you wish and you shall have it." The man said: "I want to have good sight." The vulture replied: "You shall have mine." The man said: "I want to be strong." The jaguar said: "You shall be strong like me." Then the man said: "I long to know all the secrets of the earth." The serpent replied: "I will show them to you." And so it went with all the animals. And when the man had all the gifts they could give... he left. Then the owl said to the other animals: "Now the man knows much and is able to do many things... Suddenly I am afraid." The deer said: "The man has all that he needs. Now his sadness will stop." But the owl replied: "No. I saw a hole in the man... Deep like a hunger he will never fill... It is what makes him sad and what makes him want. He will go on taking and taking... Until one day the world will say: "I am no more and I have nothing left to give."

What can we do... when religion isn't enough... when drugs and alcohol are not enough... when esteem and wealth are not enough... when love is not enough? What can we do to fill the void at our center? Buy a new car, a new pair of shoes, or get some sexual gratification? No.

No. The answer to this, like many others, is inside. Look deep inside yourself and evaluate your being. Be not greedy. Know your desires, both acceptable and unacceptable. Give voice to them. Then eradicate them. Take only what comes righteously to you, and nothing more. Try to control the world and lose control of your soul. Seek contentment and bliss everlasting. Do your best to delay the inevitable filling up and depletion of your desires. Above all, see that in each moment you are complete, whole, and having everything you need.

J

Coping with Loss

2010-05-06T04:41:00.000-07:00

This is dedicated to everyone who has recently experienced tremendous loss. I wish comfort soon comes.

Grieving and loss are among the most difficult feelings with which to cope. We can feel a sense of loss at the time of a loved ones death, or even at the loss of a job, relationship, status, and anything else that we can grow emotionally attached to.

Last week I posted something on ownership. I bring it back to that topic because their can be no sense of loss without their first being a sense of ownership. We must first believe that we can possess something in order to feel the loss of a thing.

The process of grieving (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, & Acceptance) seems universal in that we all experience these stages though not in identical ways or durations. Getting passed denial invites pain, but this is progress. Reality must set in, which is why we have ceremonies (e.g. funerals) that force us to face the reality. Anger may build after that. Anger at the lost object for going away, anger at God for taking it away, and anger at self for not being good enough to hold on are common issues. Remember that anger is a secondary emotion and that the real emotion is sadness. That will help you through this stage, and prevent your anger from influencing you toward negative (acting-out) behavior too much. Bargaining is a hopeful place, and hope is comforting, but accepting that there are no bargains that can be made that will return the lost object to you is the way forward. You can however bargain on your future. Depression feels miserable but it is a sign of tremendous growth and progress. Remember that it is always darkest just before day. Finally, you can accept what has happened and see a clearer path forward.

If we get to a place where we can accept that nothing is ever truly possessed by us, then we would no longer risk losing. As that outcome is unlikely for most of us, perhaps it is better to focus on how we cope with loss. Do the best you can to cope with loss. Lean on friends and family. Turn your loss into someone else's gain. Use the loss to fuel a change for the better in your life. When you are ready, get on passed your past and get on with the present looking forward to the future.

J

Principles of Time Travel

2010-04-30T11:16:00.000-07:00

Time travel is possible. In fact, I am about to embark on a journey back to 2008 right now. I could explain my trip but instead I would rather spend this time talking about a way in which all of us time travel everyday.

Not many people are living currently, in the present. It seems that most people spend a lot of their time in the past. Their present thoughts and feelings are inextricably linked to past events. They approach the present and future as if whatever happened yesterday is certain to happen again today, and tomorrow. Some others spend much of their time in the future. Their primary concern is what will be.

Those that do live in the present, are the most content. They are removed from the entanglements of the past, their grieving its loss has ended, regrets no longer linger, and past successes are no longer the basis of their self-esteem. They do not worry about what if and what may come, but instead focus on what is. Living in the present allows you to function at your best in THE NOW.

It is advantageous at times to visit the past. This way you can correct past mistakes. It is also beneficial to branch into the future. This way you can plan and visualize goals to be achieved and anticipate possible obstacles so that you can prepare.

Sometimes you must go backward to go forward and other times going forward too far takes you back. Notwithstanding the benefits of time travel, the present, THE NOW, is where we are healthiest, most content, most stable, most secure, and alive.

J

Parable of the King and the Poisoned Well

2010-04-29T10:51:00.000-07:00

Today's life line has to do with trail blazing, walking the road less traveled, and doing what is right despite the difficulty.

The following parable was written by an unknown author. There are several versions of it on the web and I have taken the liberty to adapt a version here for your consumption. Hope you enjoy.

THE KING & THE POISONED WELL

There was once a wise king who ruled over a vast kingdom. He was feared for his might and loved for his wisdom. Now in the heart of the city, there was a well with pure and crystalline waters from which the king and all the inhabitants drank. When all were asleep, three witches entered the city and poured seven drops of a strange liquid into the well. They said that henceforth all who drink this water shall become mad.

The next day, all the people drank of the water, but not the king. And the people began to say, "The king is mad and has lost his reason. Look how strangely he behaves. We cannot be ruled by a madman, so he must be dethroned."

The king grew very fearful, for his subjects were preparing to rise against him. He had a difficult choice: risk being destroyed by his beloved subjects or drink from the poisoned well and become mad like them. So that evening, he ordered a golden goblet to be filled from the well, and he drank deeply. The next day, there was great rejoicing among the people, for their beloved king had finally regained his reason.

--Author Unknown

How many times in your life have you allowed yourself to do what is ordinary for the sake of comfort? Some people drink poison every day just to fit in with the crowd.

Well they say that the path of the righteous is narrow and long. It is beset by all sorts of obstacles, barriers, and evils that threaten to knock you off of the path. If you value your social role, status, possessions, relationships, or even your own life more than righteousness, then you will go the way of the king in the parable. You will drink from the well again and again in life. However, if you will risk standing out, risk being different, risk it all for love of righteousness, there is a greater reward.

Let your light shine and dim it for no one and nothing. You only have one life to live and one chance to get it right.

J

Who is the Gatekeeper of Sex & Relationship

2010-04-28T14:04:00.000-07:00

I have found that not many people are familiar with the creation story that contains Lilith. The story briefly goes: Before God gave Eve to Adam, He created Adam and Lilith together. Adam demanded to be on top (it is assumed while having sex, but perhaps figuratively meaning social status as well) and Lilith grew tired of his insistence. She flew out from under Adam and into the sky becoming a night flying dragon that took away the lives of infants and gave men night-time emissions (wet dreams). When God saw Adam all alone, He made Eve for him and Eve was submissive to Adam.

The ramifications of these early mythical man-woman interactions are visible in our modern day relationships. For whatever reason, we have yet to find balance in power. The best we can do it seems is to divide labor. But even our traditional ways of dividing labor have broken down, since the industrial revolution and women's liberation movement.

Someone very intelligent once told me that Women are the keepers of sex and men are the keepers of relationship. Their meaning was that while men may focus more on attaining sex, when and how sex occurs is left up to women. Similarly, as women may focus more on securing relationships, it is up to men to decide when and how a relationship begins. This principle has a lot of anecdotal support.

Though I can't help but wonder if the changes in social mores are changing these roles. Certainly this question is made more complicated by same-sex couples. In such cases, factors other than sex are more determinant. Perhaps the same is true for male-female relationships now that gender roles have shifted so much.

In a world where Adam is relating in new and perpetually shifting ways with Eve and Lilith, can anyone really say anymore what role a man and woman should play in relationship to one another? Does Adam prefer the power and independence of Lilith but the devotion of Eve? Does any one woman possess the characteristics of both Lilith and Eve? Would Lilith desire Adam, but reject his affection entirely for the sake of her independence and self-determination? Is Eve really the gatekeeper of sex?

How can we improve our epic struggle to nourish one another, and live in harmony?

J

Love Lenses

2010-04-27T11:40:00.000-07:00

This post is a continuation of yesterday's Love is a Science post. I thought it was important to bring it closer to home with some human psychology.

The ways in which people fail to sustain loving relationships are many, but in general it is a matter of perspective taking that allows some relationships to succeed and causes others to fail.

In psychoanalytic self psychology there are two concepts that influence all human relationships: 1) the selfobject experience and 2) the repetitive dimensions perspectives.

The selfobject experience describes all of the vitalizing, uplifting, life sustaining, warm and yummy feelings we get from our interactions with significant others. It starts early in life when we have our earliest experiences with our initial caretakers. If initial caretakers are reliable, consistent, and on-time with meeting our infantile needs, we learn that others can be trusted and that the world is safe and predictable.

The repetitive dimensions concept describes all of the times that our initial caretakers were absent, unreliable, and did not adequately meet our needs. When that occurs, we learn to expect frustration and disappointment from significant others.

We all develop both the selfobject lens and repetitive dimensions lens in our early years, and we carry them forth into all of our relationships throughout life.

In the beginnings of love relationships we see our significant others through the selfobject lens. We tend to see all of the good, fulfilling, vitalizing functions they perform for us and we tend to block out any faults or shortcomings. During this phase of the relationship, we get most of what we want. Inevitably though a rupture must come. It can be a simple disappointment or slight. The more similar the issue is to the ways our early caretakers failed us, the stronger our reaction to it. At this point of rupture, we begin to see our romantic partner through the lens of repetitive dimensions. Now we pay more attention to their faults and shortcomings than we do the good things they provide. During this time in a relationship it becomes difficult to get what we want. We become more likely to be disappointed and frustrated in our relationship.

The sad thing about this process is that both lenses are made of funhouse glass. What we perceive in the person we are with through these lenses are a distortions of their true self (which more realistically is a mixture of desirable and undesirable traits).

As I suggested in Love is a Science, each person has the ability to adapt and adjust so that love can be maintained. Focusing on what you get out of being with someone rather than what you are not getting from someone makes people more content in their loving relationships. When the inevitable ruptures come, it is necessary for the affected person to reach into their breast pocket and pull back out their selfobject lenses as soon as possible.

This in no way is meant to suggest that all relationships should last. Some people are just too toxic and some are sociopaths bent on destroying others. But it may support an argument that all love relationships can last.

Remember that just as you flip flop your lenses and move in and out of love with your partner, they are subject to their own flippity flops as well. Patience and communication (fueled by self-awareness) are the keys to mastering Love.

J

Love is a Science

2010-04-26T10:14:00.000-07:00

Everyone has their own personal understanding of love. For some, being in love means being willing to sacrifice their own life, identity, and ambition. For others, being in love is a romantic idea of feeling love and sharing their life with someone. For still others, love is merely the chemical reactions in the brain that cause euphoria and a general sense of well-being. The lists go on and on.

I do not dispute the validity of any of these conceptions of love. However today, I want to offer a more universal and scientific explanation of love. I hope that it is useful and people can love better, wiser, and receive love in a manner that is more abundant and reliable than ever before.

Love is scientific. There is certainly the neurological aspect of love that affirms this claim. There is a certain special chemical cocktail cooked up by our brains that elicits the feeling of love. Through our associations of a person with this entirely internal chemical reaction, we come to believe that we are in love with that person. If that person does things that no longer elicit that feeling we can quickly fall out of love. But that is not all there is to love.

There are many types of love; the type between a parent and child, two consenting adults, puppy love, brotherly or sisterly love, etc. But at the base of it all, love is a consensus. If we reduce the complicated human interactions in love to their basic and universal unit, love is a consensus.

There are only three ways in which anything in the universe can interact: 1) they can pass (seemingly) like ships in the night without any easily observable recognition of one or the other. 2) they can collide destroying one or both parties to varying degrees. 3) they can coalesce, come together and become something new. This third possible interaction is what love is. It is a consensus to make something brand new.

The problem with love is that once these distinct entities join to make something new, entropy begins immediately and the new system starts to break down, just as the moon has been moving away from the Earth since it was created. At some point, the Earth will no longer exert such a gravitational effect on our moon and the moon will drift out of orbit. So love is hard to maintain due to entropy.

When objects gain or lose mass, gain or lose velocity, or change in their magnetic properties love is endangered. How that works for people is that we seem to grow apart. Below are some examples:

1. If one person gains mass (i.e. they get fat, earn more money, increased the size of their social network, etc.) the other person must either increase their velocity, mass, or magnetism in order to sustain the loving relationship. If they do not, the more massive ego's gravitational 'pull' (so to speak) will become inescapable and draw them in closer and closer until they were no longer distinct from the more massive person's ego; losing their individual identity. The other probability is that they would be hurled crashing into the more massive person and likely be destroyed by them.

2. If one person in a loving relationship gains velocity (i.e. they travel a lot, they don't sit still often, their emotions fluctuate rapidly, etc.) it is incumbent upon the other person to either speed up, gain mass, or increase their own magnetism. Or else the love will be ended. The slower person will be flung off, deserted into space and seeming isolation.

3. If one person's magnetism is increased (i.e. they become more attractive to others on the outside of the relationship) the other person will have to avoid colliding with the other people being drawn in. They will have to work hard to escape that person's pull so that they are not drawn into a collision and destroyed or caused to destroy the other.

Change is the only constant in the universe and if you are not flexible you cannot sustain love. If you are not willing to move away, grow, speed up or slow down, do whatever adaptations necessary to maintain love, you only have yourself to blame. Adaptation and adjustment are key to delay the inevitable disintegration of love. But you must maintain your integrity.

The primary principle in sustaining love is self-evolution. Push yourself and your partner to change for their own betterment, not for your own self-interest. Be wise in your adjustments and never force cohesion for fear of turning love to hate. Do not allow yourself to be lost in love or you will find yourself lacking love. Your only concern must be sustaining love no matter what distance comes between you. Know that love can overcome space and time.

And if possible, love infinitely, love strategically, and love without conditions.

J

Put off putting off

2010-04-23T08:53:00.000-07:00

Every single day we put things off. We let things go. Sometimes its an unimportant task and other times a high priority. Usually when we procrastinate on high priority things, our deepest vulnerabilities are exposed.

Often it is fear that holds us back. Sometimes the fear is carried by our insecurities and doubts about our potential for success. Other times it is the very fear of succeeding and facing the next challenge.

Sometimes we put off moving forward because we are still so attached to the past.

Today, I want us to do something that we mean to do but, for whatever reason, we have been putting off. For instance, Obama could stop putting off addressing directly the needs of African Americans and all Black people. Congress could stop putting off enacting health care reform and immigration reform. Drug addicts can stop putting off kicking. Paramours can stop putting off loving truly. Students can cease procrastinating their studies. Christians can stop putting off Christ.

Today is a good day to put off putting off.

J

I Own You!

2010-04-22T07:38:00.000-07:00

I will not speculate now on when the idea got started, nor about who started it, but the concept of ownership may be one of the most detrimental constructions in human history.

I know at some point in our history we were more collectivistic, tribalistic, and group oriented. Hunters hunted to feed the whole group. Gatherers gathered to feed the whole group. The only property we knew in those times was life. We protected our lives and the lives of loved ones.

Perhaps it was the start of agriculture that stimulate proprietary strivings. However it seems from African and Native American accounts that they were able to farm without adopting a sense of ownership of the land.

How did we get to the point that Imperialists from Europe felt so entitled that they could export colonialism throughout the world taking land, resources, and lives from indigenous people? How did we get to the point that we believed we could own land that existed long before we were born and even before modern humans existed?

Clearly by the time the Book of Genesis was written we had become such proprietary beings as it describes that God gave humans dominion over the land and the creatures of the Earth. We began naming everything and shaping the world to suit our egocentric purposes.

The concept of ownership gave birth to war, jealousy, revenge, envy, selfishness, and greed. Our belief that we can own anything has led us to bind one another as slaves. It has caused us to beat our spouses and children. It has even caused us to lay our proprietary claims on God. For instance, "My God is the one true God."

Humans have laid claim to the land and the seas. All of the Earth is now on someone's ledger. If you are not the owner, you have to pay to have access. You have to pay for food that comes from and that roams the ground. We have to pay for electricity and water. People claim to own the skies. We have planted flags in the moon and would do the same if we could get to another planet. Even that which you think you own, like your home for instance, can be taken away if you do not pay your taxes or if the government desires it.

The truth is... You don't own jack! We would be better off if we returned to the understanding that we are only a part of the larger system. We cannot own other distinct parts of the system and they cannot own us. The best we can do is live in harmony with our surroundings.

The next time you start to feel these undesirable emotions, or find yourself engaged in any of the aforementioned activities, ask yourself how it is possible to own anything. All that is provided us can be taken away in an instant. Objects bring us comfort and security, so it is understandable that we do not want to relinquish them. But it is an illusion that we ever possessed them to begin with. In the end, it is our clinging to objects that brings us pain and threatens our saftey.

J

Marriage Disparaged

2010-04-21T08:18:00.000-07:00

I believe that human social evolution has outgrown our traditional concept of marriage. The evidence of this is abundant.

More than half of American marriages end in divorce. Between 1970 and 2000, the proportion of American women who were divorced more than doubled. The majority of divorce petitions are filed by women.

Seems strange that women seek divorce more than men, and arguably seek marriage more as well. What's that about?

The reasons for getting divorced match the reasons for getting married (e.g. financial, sexual, child rearing, love, etc.).

American marriages last longer when the woman grew up with both parents, find religion important in their lives, have a high family income, live in a community with high median income, low male unemployment, and low poverty. These same factors increase the duration of cohabitating relationships as well.

I believe it is elements of our social evolution that has caused us to outgrow the old concept of marriage and necessitates that we adapt to a new. The social revolutions of the 50's, 60's, 70's, & 80's changed the social landscape. The civil rights movement, women's liberation movement, and LGBTQIA movement increased the number of relationship options.

Now we have more interracial marriages than ever in American history and they are more socially accepted then ever. Sex before marriage and cohabitation are more prevalent and less taboo. Marriage is no longer only between a man and a woman. More than half of marriages have one or both partners cheating. Polygamy is on the rise. Our sexual liberation has played havoc with the balance maintained by marriages of old. As a result, we must broaden our concept of marriage.

I do not advocate that we slow down and go back to the old ways. I think we are past any point of return. I'm not sure that the good old days were all that they are cracked up to be. I'm waiting to see how far we take it. Seeing something on its way to a destination, finally arrive at its destination, has never frightened me. In fact, it has only delighted me.

I wish good luck to all those doing the traditional marriage. You are truly blessed if you maintain it. Married people are the happiest, healthiest, longest living, and least likely to commit suicide people in the world.

But the odds are stacked against you. That is why I advocate a change from the traditional death do you part marriage, to a contract where the parties negotiate terms periodically. Then you can get married for as long or as short as you are comfortable and you already have a manual for staying married and for getting divorced. It is a living document that you can alter every month, quarter, year, whenever you agree to.

This relationship contract is complex in practice but in my experience it has proven effective in improving communication and follow-through for couples.

J

The World is not Flat!

2010-04-20T08:00:00.000-07:00

There once was a time that people believed the Earth was flat. It was a major paradigm shift when people began to think that the Earth was round. Now with satellite pictures from space, the evidence is incontrovertible that the Earth is round. However advanced our modern technology is, there are other outmoded beliefs that have not yet been supplanted by more evolved understanding.

We still believe there is such a thing as race. We still think that war can bring peace. We still believe that an eye for an eye is just. We still think that life may not start at conception. We still believe that things are either nature or nurture and not a combination of both. The list goes on and on and there are people on both sides of the arguments making valid points.

The other day I had a conversation with one of my brothers. We were complaining about ants, mosquitoes, and pollen. These are issues everyone in the South can relate to. Somehow the conversation turned to whether insects and trees have feelings. My brother argued that only people had feelings because only people had souls and only people have free will. He later extended his claim to include some other animals.

I suggested that perhaps anything with life has a soul. I said that anything that lives and dies has a soul. I added that if something can defend itself it should count as a sentient being. Then I decided to polarize the discussion further by suggesting that even inanimate objects have souls. I said that the motorcycle contained the spirit of the horse. I said that the airplane had the spirit of the bird. My brother politely disagreed.

As I went further out to the extreme, I began to consider bigger things. I asked my brother if he believed that the Earth itself had a consciousness, had feelings, free will, and a soul. He said no. I asked, "Why not? The Earth had a birth and eventually will die. It breathes through its seasons. It defends itself in many ways. It certainly seems to have moods. Why not?"

While my brother seemed to find interest in my theory, he still did not agree. I followed this conversation up with some friends with nearly the same results. People believe their pets have souls because they have observed their emotions. But anything that does not emote in a manner similar to humans (tears, smiles, facial expressions) is not thought of as having a soul.

It fascinates me that people can be so egocentric. It is as if we believe we are separate and better than the rest of nature. Even when I provide examples of plants showing emotion and free will (e.g., drooping leaves or flower petals, bending and stretching to go toward sunlight, and responding to human touch, human voices, and music), people reject the notion that they are the same as us.

It also fascinates me that people can be so self-contradictory. The very same people who would deny that a car has a soul, have given their cars names and talk to them, and they talk about them as though they have emotions and free will (e.g., "She just doesn't like to start in the cold. She hates it when I accelerate too fast.").

If God is omnipresent, omnipotent, and omniscient, then God must be everywhere, influencing everything, and knowing everything all the time. If God is in all things then all things have spirit.

I am not suggesting that we should start praying to rocks. I am merely suggesting that we should re-examine our beliefs about the world around us. Perhaps we would have more respect for nature if we acted like we saw God in all things. Perhaps we would have more love for ourselves if we could see our divine spark.

J

U.S. Race Wars

2010-04-19T15:01:00.000-07:00

Have race relations begun to slip in the United States? Has the pendulum begun to swing back? There are enough recent events to suggest that our interracial progress as a society has peaked and is now seeing a plummet.

With the election of a Black president, many people (including myself) felt proud about the progress our country has made in our race relations. Some would like to think that our nation's historic racial problems are in the past. While we have made progress, there is still far to go. The signs of progress have not come without a backlash.

There has been a 15% increase in hate groups on the internet. White militias have increased activity and enrollment. There are racist remarks being hurled at elected officials as they walk on Capitol Hill. It doesn't seem a mere coincidence that these events come at a time when the citizens of the United States have elected their first Black president.

Even the NFL can be cited for its unequal treatment in recent years of Black and White athletes. It is well known that many NFL players have had legal troubles. None are more frequently sensationalized as those of Black players. Perhaps the Black players with legal problems get more public and media scrutiny because they tend to be higher up on the athletic totem. Michael Vick, Pacman Jones, and Plaxico Burress are among the Black players that have faced legal problems and resulting sanctions from the league. They are marquee players among the best at their positions. While Burress and Vick were both convicted and subsequently incarcerated, Pacman Jones was only sentenced to probation after a foolish drunken squirmish. However, Pacman Jones was suspended from the league for a whole year, had his reputation destroyed, and has yet to be picked up by an NFL team.

Race relations in the NFL (and more specifically, Roger Goodell's fair treatment of players across racial lines) will now have a serious test as a marquee White player (Ben Rothlisberger) stands accused of 3 Sexual Assaults.

I am a fan of Big Ben. We are both Miami U alums. I have cheered him on in superbowl successes. Ben is not being prosecuted for the 3 rape allegations, but there are shady circumstances surrounding the dropped charges. Missing security tapes and removal of evidence make Ben seem like he may be guilty. I don't write this because I want to see him suspended from the league. I do believe that he should be treated at least equally to Pacman Jones.

Pacman was accused of abusing alcohol and fighting in public. He was accused of being associated with people who committed crimes. But none of Pacman's accusations were as severe and abhorrent as rape. Neither Pacman or Ben Rothlisberger were incarcerated for crimes but both faced being sanctioned by the league for violating personal conduct policy.

For violating the NFL's personal conduct policy, Mike Vick was suspended indefinitely by Roger Goodell. His suspension ultimately lasted for two years while he served prison time for dog fighting. Plaxico Buress was suspended for the two years he had to spend in jail for shooting himself in the leg in a club (criminal possession of a weapon). Pacman Jones was suspended for over a year and a half for numerous off-field behavior problems. He didn't make it through his first season back without getting a 4 game suspension for fighting with his bodyguard. Based on these precedents, shouldn't Big Ben get at least a 4 game suspension?

Roger Goodell has announced that Rothlisberger violated the personal conduct policy of the NFL, but states that he will not disclose when he plans to rule on any suspension.

So what will Goodell do. The public is watching and so are the players. We want to know if the NFL that is dominated by Black athletes, treats those athletes fairly.

Dog fighting, 'Cheddar Bob' shooting your own dumbass self in the leg, disorderly conduct, and Rape. What would you do if you were Goodell? Do you think there is a racial disparity in legal and organizational policy?

J

Just Riding the Wave Baby

2010-04-16T06:54:00.001-07:00

Life has its ups and downs, and it can be confusing, unnerving, and crazy-making. It may be difficult to know what to do when you're being tossed. Things may seem out of your control. To get an understanding of what to do in difficult situations, we often reference some model or manual. The Bible uses metaphor exquisitely to teach people how to live through such trials, through Old Testament stories and Jesus' New Testament parables. Recently, I have found it helpful to use my own wave metaphor.

Imagine life is a wave. The entire span of a human life would rise and fall just as a wave on the ocean. The wave is affected by the winds that change constantly and the gravity of the moon. Depending on where and when you were born, your wave may be high or low. You may have a surf board, a jet ski, or a boat. You may not have a vehicle to ride on at all. But still we all have to ride our respective waves.

Now when people ask me how I am doing, rather than saying fine, I say "I'm just ridin the wave, Baby." Metaphor allows us to detach from the difficult emotions that arise when life's weather gets rough. The wave metaphor minimizes the 'little packets of disappointment' (as my favorite Rock band, One Trick Pony, puts it) that we all endure. It doesn't get rid of them, but it shifts our focus from them, forcing us to pay attention to the way we're riding the wave.

If you don't focus on your riding, you are liable to crash. Go too slow or stop for too long and risk having the waves ride you instead of the other way around. Some people ride well and they know that it's good to look good riding. Some see the near wipeouts as the most fun part of the ride and others see near wipeouts as precursors to the ultimate wipeout. Some people ride their wave all the way into shore and others fall off and drown.

My advice to you is that you ride your wave, ride it fast and brave. Don't let your fear of falling inhibit you. Do whatever tricks your creative capacity can envision. Try your best not to knock nearby riders off of their waves, and if you have people riding your wave with you, work cooperatively with them so that everyone has a chance to shine. Lastly, and above all, enjoy the excitement!

Have a great weekend!
J

Be Careful of Your Thoughts

2010-04-15T08:45:00.000-07:00

Most people don't know this but emotions only last 8 seconds on average. That means you have a chance to change your mood and your day every few breaths you take. So when you are depressed, angry, or happy all day, it is because for most of that day you have fed that particular emotion again and again with thoughts and experiences that evoke the emotion. This is how you establish a mood.

An unknown author wrote:
"Be careful of your thoughts, for your thoughts become your words.

Be careful of your words, for your words become your actions.

Be careful of your actions, for your actions become your habits.

Be careful of your habits, for your habits become your character.

Be careful of your character, for your character becomes your destiny."

This verse illustrates how each and every moment of the day and every action we take is valuable. They set up patterns for our experiences and the more ingrained the pattern, the more difficult it becomes to change.

Similar to the above verse, you should be careful what you think, for your thoughts become ideas. Be careful of your ideas, for they become beliefs. Be careful of your beliefs, for they become expectations. Be careful of your expectations, for your expectations shape your reality.

Our destinies are in our hands. If we allow more than a brief moment to be gripped by misery, it is like committing ourselves to a miserable destiny (if only for a moment). It is human and advantageous to be able to experience a wide range of emotion, but remember that emotions only last about as long as 4 heartbeats on their own. If you have negative emotions, it is up to you to limit their duration. If you have positive emotions, it is your responsibility to sustain them.

Nobody can make you feel a certain way. It is your choice to feel how you feel. Similarly, nobody can change the way you feel. It is up to you to change it. The choice is yours.

PSA: Conservative White Men on Endangered Species List

2010-04-13T20:38:00.000-07:00

It is important for us all to get involved. The conservative (wealthy) White man faces extinction in the 21st century. If we don't act now it will be too late, and this planet cannot afford to lose him.

It is not a physical extinction that I am speaking of, but an extinction of a sociocultural identity. The extinction of the conservative White male is being precipitated by the election of America's first Black president. This historical event symbolized the massive fissure between the ideology of conservative White men and the majority of Americans.

They are bewildered and scorned by the women's rights, gay rights, and civil rights movements. They sense the loss of power and privilege in the political arena, business, and at home. They mourn the loss of their stranglehold on American perceptions and there ability to shape themselves into heroes. There are no more Robert E. Lees. John Wayne is replaced now by Brad Pitt. It is this trend toward extinction that has some scrambling for lifelines. For instance, Professor Lionel Tiger from Rutgers and many others are trying to arouse support and interest for the development of Male studies courses in college.

Conservative White males are rightfully fearful as they see their way of life eroding continuously. Some of them have watched their sons become hip hop heads and seen their daughters become intimate with men of a darker hue. Some have seen their progeny totally rebel against them and become liberal thinkers. The old conservative White male social order is dying. Just as it died in the end of the 18th century when the British Empire outlawed slavery in its colonies. Just as it died in America at the end of the civil war. And again in the 60's. As it died in South Africa in 1994 with the ending of apartheid and the election of Nelson Mandela. The minority rule status quo that these men established through racism, sexism, colonialism, and capitalism has ended. South Africa has never been the same and neither will the United States.

These conservative White men made a choice during the civil rights era (40s, 50s, & 60s) that was to draw a line and not budge. It was their unsophisticated solution to the problem of tipping scales in the balance of power. While the rest of society evolves, adapting to sociocultural-political changes, the conservative White men have relentlessly adhered to outdated principles. Some even cling to a hope that the south shall rise again.

If our entire ecosystem is threatened by the extinction of honey bees, imagine the ripple effects of losing conservative White males. My Philadelphia source (D) said, "If action is not taken immediately, we may soon see a time where the government is going to have to step in and create some land preserves for the endangered conservative White man." Kind of the way the NBA stepped in and instituted the 3-point shot so White boys could continue to compete.

These conservative White men serve a vital function in society. They keep us all grounded, they test our sanity, and keep something stirring to inspire poetry, music, literature and human expression of all kinds. The loss of the conservative White man would be as catastrophic for humanity as their presence has been.

I urge everyone to help. It is up to us to make this world a safer place for conservative White men. They are afraid people. Their fear is manifest in their severe behavior problems (i.e. corporate fraud, grifting, starting wars with people they don't know how to beat, treason, threatening coups, involvement with alcohol and other drugs, involvement with weapons, relationship problems and aggression). Their problem behaviors serve a function, that is to use desperate acts (and some very well calculated acts) to maintain their grip on power, though they are being washed away by a more powerful, more evolved majority.

Let them know they are not alone. We each must do our part.

J

What are you afraid of?

2010-04-13T06:56:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I wrote about social anxiety. I shared the fact that it is the fastest growing disorder in America. Today, I want you to think about what you are most afraid of. If you are comfortable sharing, tell the readers of this blog what it is that really scares you.

Nelson Mandela quoted Marianne Williamson in his '94 presidential inauguration:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~ Marianne Williamson ('92 Return to Love).
J

American People Not Comfortable in Our Own Skin

2010-04-12T06:47:00.000-07:00

Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) is America's fastest growing psychological disorder. In other words, more and more people are becoming afraid of one another every day. What are Americans so paranoid about? Why aren't we comfortable in our own skin?

Why do we worry so often, especially when we think about going somewhere to do something that we want or feel compelled to do? Do we think we will be judged? What gives us this idea? Are the people we interact with each day really dangerous; really judging us harshly?

On the other hand, there are a LOT of haters. There are people who actively seek to cut people off, stand in their way, or slip the carpet out from under them. But how did haters get this way? Were they just born hateful little shits with bad temperments? Or did they grow into their hating ways?

The answer to the nature/nurture argument is both. Haters are born with a certain temperment of trust/distrust of others and they cultivate their innate temperment through interpersonal interactions throughout their lifespan.

What I am wondering today is..., Are we worrying because of the haters out there? Aren't we hating on people when we worry that they are haters? If I stop worrying, will the hatin' stop?

If the opposite of hate is love, then I wonder what's love got to do with it? I think perhaps we hate on each other because we can't love one another as fully as we would like. So as much as we want to love on them and we are somehow prohibited, we have an equivalent desire to hate on them.

Some examples:

This girl from college that I affectionately nicknamed C-Murder had the best legs in school. The rest of her only got better. Me and my friends hated on her each and every time we saw her. If we actually talked to her, we would be nice and charming, humorous perhaps. But as soon as that conversation ended, we would get right back to hatin'.
Things we would say: "Look at C-Murder over there murderin' 'em! Why is she gonna wear those tight ass pants in the dining hall like that (SOHs)? I can't stand her." Then the group resonates with convulsive verbalizations, "Fuck her." "I hate her too." "She is sick." And what we would really be feeling is a frustrated desire for her.

Another...

Straight guys can't sit around complimenting one another and being affectionate. The closer friends we become the more we cut on each other. Come to love one another and you might have a fight.
But why can't men be more real with one another? Why do brothers feel awkward hugging so, that they pass on the opportunity more than they take the chance to receive love. Answer: Homophobia

As a psychologist, I have seen people who can't be around other people or even think about other people without pour sweat from their hands and feet. I have seen people with irritable bowels. However people manifest their anxiety, one thing is consistent... Avoidance.

Avoidance is a common symptom to us all. We try to avoid what we fear. And socially... As one of my boys recently said about going out with his wife, "We just don't do well going out around people." The thing about avoiding is that while you avoid the undesired events, you also avoid the desired event. There was a reason that going out was even on the table to begin with.

The most effective treatment for anxiety is exposure. I encourage everyone to expose yourself today. (Disclaimer: This in no way advocates anyone doing there best Erykah Badu impression). But take whatever closeness to some other person or people that you have been avoiding and expose yourself to it.

When listen to Frank Sinatra sing I Got You Under My Skin, I get the desire to have someone that close to me that its like they are under my skin. If I am not comfortable in that skin myself, I am unlikely to invite another.
J

Brave New World

2010-04-09T20:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I wrote about our problem as a nation talking about racism; slavery. A friend asked me to follow up that discussion, sharing what I believe we should learn from slavery. My affection for this friend alone compels my words now, for it is not a pleasant treasure for which I am about to dig.

The legacy of our nations most egregious offense against humanity breathes its oily breath into sleeping babes cradles, scented with Colt 45 and cheap cognac. The legacy of slavery screams from blood soaked prison cells, and the hopeless wails of caged birds in hell. The heart of the legacy of slavery beats in each man and woman on Earth, as we are all beneficiaries of the blood and sweat shed by countless unfortunate souls. It feeds like bacteria on our dustborn flesh. It's footsteps languish, lingering in our blood.

It is visible as though no time has passed since the abolition of slavery in the fear of Black men walking down the street. It can be seen in every clinched purse, shifted gaze, rejected employment application, and the general distrust of our nation's first Black president.

Yes, the ripples continue to ebb and flow.

My friend asked me what lesson I thought there was to be learned from slavery. The best answer I can come up with is that even from the worst of conditions the greatest and most beautiful things may spring forth. I am proud to say I live in America. I feel blessed to be living in an era where the culture of African descendants has permeated dominant culture. I am proud to be fulfilling the dreams of my predecessors.

Certainly, my words here do not complete this discussion but it is all I can muster at this time. Besides, this is not a discussion that can be completed by a lone blogger and not in a single sitting. The continuation of this discussion I leave to you.

J