Daily Rantics

Transgender Disassociation

2012-02-08T14:59:00.001-05:00

Earn

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I know I haven't written since the end of last year, and a lot has happened.

A new placement,
A visit from the parents,
Less than stellar health update,
Etc. Etc.

But this opinion peice just got my heart fluttering and thought I would share it with you.

This comes from CBC's posting called Should transgender Canadians be protected by a new parliamentary bill? posted on Feb 1, 2012.

I loved the response, it made me happy.

Just thought I would share it. Thanks ACommonTater!

Kala

University

2011-11-28T16:03:00.001-05:00

University dreams just got a little clearer lambs.

I have the GPA for anywhere I wanna go ^_^ but either way I am looking at four semesters upgrading for Ryerson before I get into the running for their part time social worker bachelors program for January 2013.

The other option is to go to York starting in September 2012 (or earlier if I can manage it) and start off in second year. Part time is available too. Either way I'm looking at the same length in program. Ryerson's part time program puts you in third year, and takes three years to complete. York puts you in second year and gives you basically the same time frame for each semester.

I dunno what to do. I'm going to have to weigh the pros and con's. Figure out the easiest way for me to travel to Toronto, whether it be York or Ryerson. York has a bus that goes straight to the university from Sheridan, so that is a viable option for me. Either way I am looking at bus or train travel. OH I don't care. I am just so frigging happy that this is coming to fruition.

Not only am I gonna be a college graduate with a degree I'm proud to say I have, I'm starting my steps to being a University student. I swear. I wish all my days were up days like today. Life would be the ultimate feeling ever.

K

Tuesdays always a bitch

2011-11-15T11:24:00.001-05:00

I’m feeling anxious and out of place lately. Some days I am good, some I am not so good. Today would be one of those days where I feel like at any point during the day a meteor might come down and kill me dead. Of course I know that isn’t going to happen, but tell that to the anxiety wrenching in my stomach like some sort of parasite.

I have the dentist today at 4:40pm and I am sure that has something to do with the anxious attitude. I hate the dentist, as I have stated many times before. This isn’t a new thing for me.

The one good thing going on today is the Drakes new album dropped. I don’t know what it is about music, but it really does something for the soul. Doesn’t matter what it is... it just makes me feel better. I think I was anxious for the album too. I am a little bit obsessed maybe.

As I said before, Tuesdays are not good days for me. I don’t know if its because its a heavy day for me at school, or the first day of the school week essentially for me ... I just have bad Tuesdays.

I also don’t particularly enjoy my group methods class. I was also paired in that class with someone who couldn’t even find herself to come to school for two weeks, and she is so incredibly annoying. Like we’re doing an assignment in class and she is bouncing from one person to the next asking for answers. It’s like lady, your twice my age, you should have this shit down pat. Actually. Shes my mom's age, and has a kid my age. Mind-blowing.

I don’t want to carry anyone else’s weight but my own. And if you're a friend and you ask me a question, I’ll commit to that. But this woman drives me. Fuck.

Anxious to angry, angry to anxious, uncomfortable in my skin, impulsive... I am so scared this is the first days of many that’ll bring me back to the worst again. I just have this feeling of dread. Like its looming, and it’s been two years, and there’s nothing I can do. It’s coming. I can’t get away from it. 2 years break isn’t enough. The more instances I have higher chance I’ll have in living this illness my ENTIRE life at this level of intensity.

I don’t know if I can do that.

It’s just one shortfall after another.

2011-11-15T10:27:00.001-05:00

Just sitting in psychology, procrastinating and trying to find something to preoccupy my mind. We are learning about schizophrenia today and it is quite scary.

Maladaptive psychology this semester has had a lot of topics and things I don't think I am quite comfortable listening to. But then at times I am seriously interested in helping these people. Maybe because these mental disorders hit so close to home, that I am just not comfortable listening to it.

my cousin Jonathan has schizophrenia, to which I think was drug induced, not genetically atypical, but thats besides the point.... anyway, experiencing the very little intereaction I had with after the diagnosis, compared to the interaction I had with him previous to the diagnosis, it really was intense. Is intense. He had a lot of catatonic state issues and talking to himself.

Anyway, ramblings... weird...

k

I'm a lesbian aren't I? lol

2011-10-20T10:24:00.000-04:00

So I've been given a first class window seat to see and feel and react to all the discrimination and hate people in the lgbtq community come into contact with every day of their lives.

These people I meet day to day in schools have no idea I'm straight. They assume I'm a lesbian because I'm at the lgbtq table. I get unadulterated discrimination no different than a real lesbian would. Its hard. I swear every time I go to one of these I am reassured I am in the right place. No doubt.

Some days I struggle with my role in the lgbtq community because I am indirectly a part of the community. I am not lgbtq, but I love people who are, and some days that's enough, others I feel pushed aside because I'm straight and my ideas might not appeal to the lgbtq community in the way my organizers want. But I'm not here to appeal just to the lgbtq community. I'm here to change just one persons outlook on homosexualism, to plant a seed of understanding in one child's mind. To make this world an easier one for my very gay very wonderful friends.

Sometimes I just need reminding.

Jamie

2011-10-19T18:48:00.002-04:00

A 15 year old Ottawa boy took his life because he was constantly harrassed and bullied in school.

Tomorrow I am going to go to a Hamilton High School and I think I have to show these students the repercussions of their ignorant attempts at belittling children different from them. 15 years old is not entirely enough life to live before making the decision to end said life. That poor child.

It isn't just about being gay. Its about millions of kids who take their lives, and the lives of others because of a child who doesn't know how to properly contain their anger, hurt, resentment etc. and in turn lashes out at those whom he or she decides is weak and a good target.

I was bullied as a kid. I was overweight and continue to be so, and the taunting was unjust and horrific. I am still uncomfortable in my skin. Kids also made fun of other issues I had, but whatever I don't care to share is what I don't care to share.

I'm just saying I know how it feels like to be bullied. I am also not denying the fact that I may hav been on the edge of life or death a couple times too. But I always got pulled back. Where was this boys lifeline?

And this boy felt so alone, so isolated he felt the only way out was to end his life. This shouldn't ever happen.

Why isn't this front page news?

Procrastination

2011-10-18T10:43:00.003-04:00

You know you are bored at work when you start doing things like this your webcam....

I seem to have the same look each time. Although I am particularly fond of the middle one hahaha. That one is for Denise for sure, lol.

Loner

2011-10-14T22:50:00.003-04:00

I've been practicing anti-socialism as of late. Its been nice to run off and detach myself from the people I usually spend most of my time with at school during breaks. I remember last year I really hated being alone at all, but now I hate not being alone....lol.

I have also gotten into the habit of wearing my ear buds ALL the time....they aren't even plugged into my ipod....actually I don't even carry my ipod....just my ear buds.... LOL that's how antisocial I am. I just poke the plug in end into my pocket and pretend I'm listening to music! I mean mostly I do it because the college is very loud in the common areas, and the ear buds are sound reducing, so it helps me focus and ward off migraines, but yeah...totes using them for anti-socialism agendas as well.

I wonder, does that make me bad person? lol.

I mean, at least it means I'm smart...because people totally leave me alone when I put the buds in my ears.

Whatever, I just really enjoy my own company these days. Surprising as I've always hated being alone in the past, and actually went out of my way to be with people who wouldn't of even made the same effort for me.

The only thing I am craving right now, is some Nicole time. I am coming across so many things I want to talk to her about with my work at The Well, and I just have the need to relate. I think I know superficially what it feels like to be an "assumed lesbian", and she needs some recognition in my opinion.

I also miss her familiarity. Unno, I get the same safe-net feeling from her that I get from Adam...which isn't too surprising, they are kind of the same person in a lot of ways, just different sexes, lol. But aside from that, I want to be secluded and left alone.

I also have been avoiding my mother, or perhaps not fighting hard enough to find time to speak with her. I know she is very worried, but I dunno... I am running on empty and need this week to go away so that everything can go back to normal.

I also came home today from work at 2:30pm and slept from about 3pm to 7pm. It was awesome. The only problem now is that I really should be getting sleepy by now and finding my way to bed, to sleep. Instead I am on my computer, writing this, and again, as usual, feinding off sleep. I read on my nook tablet for a while, but the screen was bugging my eyes, and I had nothing I wanted to read that didn't cost me an arm and a leg (56 bucks for a social workers guide to working with LGBTQ is totally not in the budget right now) so yeah.

I have to go be productive or sleep or something... chow.

Tuesdays have to be the worst day ever

2011-10-11T12:30:00.001-04:00

Tuesday.

It's like the last three Tuesdays in a row have been pure and utter hell. I don't really know what is going on with me, but I totally not liking Tuesdays.

I have had a LOT of anxiety for the longest time, but it seems only to boil over on Tuesdays? Maybe its the reminder of the anxiety in Maladaptive Psychology at 8 fucking AM in the morning (too early for that shit) or the fact that I absolutely hate my second class. I Think the combination of the crappy classes, crappy schedule, crappy classROOMS etc. etc. its just playing with my mind. I find that I'm just a little woo-hoooo in the brain lately.

Not cool.

I dunno, I think I'm just being a spaz.

On the upside, my floors are down in my room and it looks amazeballs. Pics to come

I just want to dress up the room so it takes away from the fact that my creepy roommate lives in my house.

fml.

Anyway, gonna wake up tomorrow morning and life IS GONNA BE AAAAAAAAWESOME!

Brain Rattling

2011-10-06T12:09:00.001-04:00

So it feels like I have had these migraines for months now. I know it hasn't been that long, I just feel like it.

I wanted to remind everyone in Ontario that today is the day you go to the Polls! If you didn't receive your voters card in the mail, just bring your id (driver's license or passport) and proof of residence (bill, letter etc.) to the nearest polling station and VOTE!

If you don't vote, don't bitch!

RIP Steve Jobs

2011-10-06T10:44:00.000-04:00

Steve Jobs the legendary Apple cofounder has died at the age of 56.

I wonder what Apple will do next?

Dude was brainsoplenty...

My condolences to his family and friends.

Error WHAT?

2011-10-04T21:50:00.004-04:00

what the hell is this? some reason this is what I am getting when I type google.ca. But if I got through my gmail and click on web at the top, it works fine. Even messes up if I type google.com. Any ideas?

Dear Mr. Asshole, I mean Hudak

2011-10-04T16:40:00.002-04:00

Dear Mr. Hudak:

I want to let you know that I am ashamed to say I share the same province with you. After seeing this article, how your PC crowd just harassed and demoralized 10% of the people born in this world is beyond me. http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toronto/story/2011/10/04/ontario-security-pc-candidate548.html

I realize that you do not agree with sex-education classed for 6 year olds, I get it. But this defamatory propaganda you’re spewing is proverbial dog crap. You are literally taking a stab at the LGBT community in every single sentence on your new ad. Every single sentence Mr. Hudak. We are all humans, no matter or colour, creed, race, and even sexuality. I myself am a straight married women working with LGBT communities across the GTA and South-Western Ontario and I am extremely sad to see that your PC’s would take this stance…even more disappointed that you yourself would then approve and back up this garbage.

Sexuality is so rampant these days, amongst even the youngest of children. If we can’t prevent them from being involved in sexual acts, we need to INFORM them. Let them know the dangers and provide them with the powerful knowledge to keep themselves safe and out of harm’s way. On the forefront of homophobia, biphobia and transphobia is the need to be INFORMED. Children need to understand that varying sexuality is NORMAL. The key to success is to be INFORMED. If you aren’t INFORMED you are IGNORANT. Have you noticed a pattern Mr. Hudak? INFORMATION IS POWER. Empower our youth to be the best they can be, no matter the skin they are in, the culture they come from, their sexuality or gender identity.

Your PC oppressive reign is coming to a halt and I will be at the forefront. If only you knew how passionate the LGBT community was, you’d rally behind them, use them to support your campaign. Bless Mr. Layton for being a man of knowledge and respect, seeing an opportunity and embracing it.

Hubris and superiority are not what I look for in a future leader. McGuinty may tax us, but you will demoralize us. I’ll pay for quality, where quality stands at the forefront. Apparently you will not.

I leave you with one final thought.

If you don't respect your fellow man, what kind of value do you have? To me? None. I am one of many Mr. Hudak.

Kala Bennett-Alexander

I totes sent this to the jerkface five seconds ago.

Bullshit propaganda right from the assholes mouth

2011-10-04T16:11:00.003-04:00

If I don't write this down I will totally lose my shit!

What the hell is this TIM HUDAK? How fucking homophobic is this?

I just can't believe a real person would put this shit out there on the agenda. What year do we live in? WHAT COUNTRY?

He says hes against sex ed for six year old. DUDE your not against sex ed for six year olds, YOUR AGAINST TEACHING CHILDREN ABOUT HOMOPHOBIA, BIPHOBIA and TRANSPHOBIA. The only way to rid ourselves of these nasty phobias IS TO TALK ABOUT IT. Teach our children right from wrong!

Don't judge a book by its cover damn it!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?! People are people. Doesn't matter who you sleep with at the end of the day, or what fucking gender you wanna be.

GOD this is vulgar but I can't say it any other way!

I AM SO GOING TO THE POLLS TONIGHT, AND IM VOTING NDP BITCHES.

Internet weirdo

2011-10-04T11:17:00.000-04:00

Previously I had mentioned that I was coming off one medication at a time in hopes that I would be drug free by the end of next year. The story is long and painful, not one I have entirely shared, but one that I am open and honest about when asked.

The truth of the matter is I've been treated for varied depression and anxiety for the last four years, I might even surmise it was before then; the migraine medication I was on was also an antidepressant and beta-blocker known to decrease anxiety. At the end of 2009 I hit an all time low, was entering a very *morbid time in my life and it was a bad place. I took the only step I knew to take, I dragged my ass to my doctor. I know my mind was attached. I made the informed decision to seek professional help. I was a god damn catastrophe. I think I scared my newly graduated doctor.

I was put on a pretty strong drug called Effexor. Effexor as of today, is on the top five most difficult drugs to transition from, amongst Paxil, Prozac, Celexa (derivative of Paxil) and Lexapro. It is even considered worse than Paxil, which is considered safely amongst doctors as the worst anti depressive drug on the market in regards to side effects. i.e. Paxil Flu. I have felt short term Effexor withdrawal, as it has a very short half-life of only 5 hours. This means that you can start feeling the withdrawal symptoms within missing ONE dose. I have a mind like a sieve; you know I have missed a few. I am only on 75mg at this moment but I am told by my doctor that it doesn't matter what your level of Effexor in your body is, it is just as dangerous as a 600mg dose. Also with my migraine disease my body is extremely susceptible to hormone and chemical flucuations which is horrible. Believe me.

Anyway, back to the story, so I was also on a drug called Wellbutrin as well, given to me in January of 2011 when I noticed the sleeping extreme hours which totally didn’t work well with going back to school. I took the Wellbutrin which hilariously I took to counteract the Effexor side effects! Anywho, it was the smallest Canadian dose possible of 100mg and I have been off Wellbutrin since September 20th.

Here starts the rollercoaster.

My body has been rejecting me fully and figuratively. Because of the migraine disease, when my Norepheniphine levels fluctuated with the ending of the drug phase, my body went into full on fight mode. I have had a migraine almost EVERY day since September 20th. Furthermore, I have been sleeping sporadically and very unsatisfactorily. I love sleep. I loved Effexor for the amazing sleep it gave me. God I love sleep. Almost as much as cheese cake and jello.

I had one manic attack on the 27th, but was able to get over it by going home and being productive. I had a test that day too, so I probably was provoked.

Anyway, I went to the doctor yesterday and she told me she wasn't liking the fact that I have been off the medication and am having this type of adverse reaction with my migraines.... so now I am back on the Wellbutrin, one day on, one day off, for two weeks... if the migraines do not subside or decrease we'll make changes. I am SO not going back on this medication, I've already went through all this bullshit that it won't be for not!

She is very worried about how I will react to the Effexor withdrawal, since the Wellbutrin withdrawal has been pretty bad for me. Apparently she is going to draft a cocktail of drugs to get me off the Effexor. How ridiculous is that? Drugs to come off drugs? isn't that a bit counterproductive? I looked up this cocktail idea and apparently it consists of a medical grade gravol type drug, a sleeping drug, and a drug like naproxen for body aches. Jesus what did I get myself into? I know made the right decision when I got help back then...but I wish I was able to figure out what drugs would be appropriate to come off of DOWN THE ROAD. Living the rest of my life on these drugs was never my intention. With the talk of starting a family soon Adam and I cannot be on any hardcore drugs. Aka, Kala can't be on hardcore drugs. If I get pregnant any day now it could mean serious complications for the baby. My previous doctor did not have to assign the nazi of all drugs to me, but that is what she did and I guess that is what I am going to have to live with until I am off the drug next year. It is a shitty deal that is for sure. I am not impressed, but this doctor I have now seems to be much more educated the other.

Anyway, this is the update to the previous post which kind of left some people in the dark of what was really going on. Also, fyi, people who suffer from migraines are almost twice as likely to suffer from depression; coincidence? I think not.

simple life

2011-10-03T23:57:00.001-04:00

Hi all Life has been very good these days.... i guess thats why the blogging has faultered... but i can live with that. Adams new job is going very well and he is very happy and in turn that makes me very happy too. He is actually talking about good stuff now, no drama like before, its refreshing. Him working so close to home also gives me the freedom to have the car, which i really enjoy since starting to work in downtown hamilton. It is exciting work. I am starting to get the swing of things and perhaps by november ill be taking on clients without supervision. I am super stoked to be gelping the youth group plan queer prom! Its going to be halloween themed and super fun. I am gonna see if i can get in on the chapperoning the event too. One thing i must address if you notice my spelling and grammar are off, i Ppologize asil i am feinding off much needed skeep by writing this on my table with one finger? Thats what some call brilliance.... or maddness, depends on the person. Lol. Anyway, life is good, so good. I am currently coming off some meds which are playing with my migraines (were talking migraines no stop for two weeks) but honestly the sooner i am off one, the sooner i can transition off the very lasrlt one....making me officially drug free! My illness isexpected to come back but it is nothing i cant handle with a little self trust and determination. Plus with my newly constructed support group ill be moving mountains again in no time. It is good. Very good. I am so blessed. K

Ho's and mo' problems

2011-09-13T15:41:00.000-04:00

I suppose I don't have Ho's. But I do have problems. lol

I suppose they are also small in comparison to some other ones in the world, and to make it perfectly objectionable... its the only place in my life where I find myself screwing up my nose and wanting to hit a bitch.

So here's the sitch, ma bitch. (Don’t ask...)

We've been renting out a bedroom and out basement apartment since January 2011, and up until now everything was peachy keen, even when we had to see the downstairs couple leave early to return to Thailand quickly. The one problem I am having now is the fact that every time I come home, and not a single soul is in the house, the front door is both UNLOCKED and the alarm NOT ARMED.

Now by no means am I exuberantly intelligent, but one should know that when you leave your house for any amount of time and no one is home at that moment, that you lock the door. I also like to hang out in our room upstairs and even then I lock the door and arm the alarm. I can't hear anything with the door closed! Someone could come in and steal my dog. Seriously, we don't own a lot but the feeling of invasion is bad enough having strangers live with you, but the fact that random’s could come into my house at any time and steal my shit would literally send me over the moon with anxiety. We also have the added security of an alarm panel, which we require our roommates to use. We like the alarm for the added security plus the fact that it watches the comings and goings of each person who arms and disarms the alarm at any point during the day. Never know when that kind of information is going to come in handy.

I think I know who the main culprit is, but ... eh...I came home yesterday to find the front door and the alarm not to be armed. I knew our roommate upstairs had left shortly after me that morning and that he would not be back until after 6. I got home around 3:10pm and everything was wide open, and our downstairs roommate had her dog up with ours and ...well obviously it was her. She then came home about 30 minutes later, to announce she had been gone for TWO HOURS, with not a soul in the house, with the door unlocked and the alarm not armed.

I didn't think about it right at that time, it wasn't until I sat down and realised that the damn house was open to the whole world and that scared me.

So today I had enough, I posted a rather hasty note on the door stating:

"Absolutely under NO circumstances are you to leave the house at ANY time without the door locked and alarm set. When entering the house and leaving the house, PLEASE ARM THE ALARM and LOCK THE DOOR BEHIND YOU. Also bring your keys with you always, or you might get locked out".

I think I had reason to post it and if they find a problem with it, then they can move out. I would rather be safe than anything else.

That’s my rant. Damn ranting makes me hungry.

kba

Itch

2011-09-01T20:13:00.000-04:00

I totally have the tattoo itch again.

I have wanted to get my first tattoo touched up because its pretty much a hack job, and on top of that I wanted to add something onto it. I'm kind of a wuss though? The tattoo looked awesome (see pic) when I first got it but its got a few mistakes and needs some touch up. I've had it a year now, figure I can get it done. I want more added to it, like a tiger or something, but I think I'm going to have to wait a while after the retouching is done. lol.

I now need an artist!

Announcement to the Blogiverse

2011-08-30T15:54:00.002-04:00

Dear blogiverse,

IF you get married, don't invite me. I am all wedding'ed out for this summer THANK you very muchas.

Kala

Jack Layton

2011-08-23T20:32:00.000-04:00

I'm sad to say that Mr. Layton lost his fight against cancer yesterday morning. Its sad how many people cancer has taken away from us, and now to feel the increasing anxiety building from his death, our leading opposition hanging in the balance.... I'm afraid all his hard work will be undone. I hope it is for not, because he spent his entire political life fighting for our rights.

Maybe I might volunteer for this upcoming election... I just feel bad because I had such hopes for the work Mr. Layton would have orchestrated over the next four years. I suppose I should do something.

What a day...

2011-08-15T19:47:00.000-04:00

What a day I had today.

I had my social justice class exam today and it was brutal. I didn't really know what to study and turns out, what we all had studied was really not the right thing to be studying for this exam.

It was really easy to tell that no one was really ready for this exam. All you could hear was complaints and grumbling about how no one knew what to study or where to go with the questions that were actually on the exam.

I was really not OK with how this exam went and I am sure that I did not get any thing more than 70%. That really sucks! I knew I wasn't going to do very well on this test, since I really didn't study… Mostly because it made me angry to not know what to study in the first place… But if we really had something to go on I would've been OK.

I decided that I would e-mail my professor to let him know of my distaste for this exam. I totally social worked him by using the sandwich method which basically says a positive then a negative and says another positive. I hope he's proud lol.

I really should be studying human development life Spans but I just can't get buckled down. IM more likely to fall asleep during study then actually learning anything because sleeping while studying seems to be my thing. Instead, I find myself using my speech recognition software on my windows seven operating system to write this post. It has been frustrating at times, but it is certainly a very neat thingy.

Clearly my articulation needs some work… Or this program thinks I am an idiot.

Excuse me, while I go and study for this stupid exam.

peace and chicken grease.

-kala

Harmony

2011-08-14T11:48:00.000-04:00

You could be busy.

Or changing your life around.

You could be dousing out the same medicine I gave you.

You could be dead.

And I wouldn't know.

I wanted space. Because I couldn't separate our lives and focus on just my own. My mom says I'm foolish, that only mothers have the problems separating that I have.

I'm not your mother, although you deserve one, a good one. You deserve a loving and attentive mother and father, both of which you were robbed of far too early in life.

Nobody treated you the way you deserved, they didn't worry or guide you, I guess I felt I needed to. No. You didn't ask me, and no you never asked me to carry your troubles in my heart, but I did because I cared. Maybe I felt like you meant the world to me, and maybe my heart ached to see you thrown about like a discarded christmas card.

But I can't control the world around you. I can't make the bad things go away. I clouded my life for far to long, thinking our relationship was one of a two sided friendship, when in reality I was a crutch and you were the soul that needed a lift.

Sometimes I needed you, and you weren't there.

Sometimes I wondered if you loved me as much as I loved you.... because it wasn't always apparent.

Always when you needed me, I was there.

I sheltered you, I fed you, I gave you everything I could.

I encouraged you to grow, because you ARE smarter than he thinks.

More importantly I loved you to a fault.

Sometimes I can be harsh. And I say things that hurt. I am my mothers daughter, and no matter how much my mother loves me, she doesn't "get" every feeling I have, and thus sometimes throws me off as aloof. I did the same to you.

I know that hurt you. Sometimes I said things to hurt you deliberately because I was mad. That wasn't right, but I'm testy and anger fueled sometimes. For that I am sorry. I think I can be vindictive sometimes and its not a nice side of me.

In truth I felt abandoned by you. When I needed you. Even if you thought it was stupid, I still felt I needed you. And by the way, I only needed you. I didn't want anyone else.

Sometimes you just didn't get it. I needed you, because you are the ONLY family I have here. And I love my family. To a fault.

I bet you've felt the same feelings before. I bet you've needed someone but they've had other things to do, that perhaps were more important than you.

I know you felt unimportant a lot of your life.

I know you thought they didn't care....and I think you might have been right. I guess the question is, where are they now? I could never say this to your face. The illusion that you were a priority to them was more comforting than the truth.

How dare you become second to a boyfriend or a girlfriend!
How dare you become homeless and no one care? You are not some trash to be discarded! Slipping you money here and there to pay for pizza doesn't account love! You should have never seen the four walls of that shelter! Because thats what GOOD parents do, they fucking shelter you.

You deserved SO much more. I knew it. I still do, but they don't.

So comes the point of this emotional fucking train ride of a blog post.

You've delivered me what you probably thought I wanted right? Out of your life.

But I didn't want that. I didn't want out. I wanted outside. Just for a bit.

I did exactly what everyone else in your life has done to you. Except you handled my exit differently. You hung on for a bit, but then decided I had made my mind up and you withdrew.

I suppose I never thought you would do that, since its not in your history to withdraw.

I wanted distance but I didn't want to be shut out. I didn't delete you from my phone and facebook, I didn't take you from my RSS feed, or even change what you could see and what you couldn't. Because I didn't want you to be out, I wanted to check up on you to make sure you were still alive.

You could be busy.

Or changing your life around.

You could be dousing out the same medicine I gave you.

You could be dead.

And I wouldn't know.

Its been a while

2011-08-11T16:36:00.002-04:00

It's been more than a while, again.

I think its good when I don't have to write something in my blog. Usually I gravitate towards writing when I am lost or listless or not feeling suscinct.
Well, I am neither of those things today, thankfully, as I have had a wonderful time sleeping today and going over university websites giving me the opportunity to attend part time Summer 2012. It is quite the experience, or feeling I should say.

I think I have decided on Ryerson, although the thought of going to UoGuelph is hauntingly attractive, especially since they might/ seem to have direct linkage to social service worker programs allowing better access and achieved credits. Adam and I kind of had a mutual agreement that it was time to pull our hearts out of Guelph and focus on where we are now, even if it is in the GTA. I love my house, and I love my neighborhood...and I love that I have the option for many other types of social services on either side of me (Hamilton, Toronto) but I just miss Guelph. We finally made the decision to change our family doctor and dentist to a local one, because it was getting increasingly difficult for me to find time to get to Guelph what with my school and work schedule. Come September it will be even more horrendous so we made the unit decision that it was time to move on and get a doctor and dentist here. I have already contacted a doctor here, and booked an appointment for the end of the month, and I have just cut ties with the best dentist in the entire world in Guelph, so I can find one here. I don't think I'll ever find one like Dr. Khimani. That dude is seriously the nicest guy in dentistry on the planet.

Anyway, I suppose being an adult means making decisions that sometimes you aren't happy with. I can deal with that.

Keep it 'rill yo,

K

I finally feel like I am in the right place AT THE RIGHT TIME! It's like the world makes better sense, all because I finally know what I'm good at.

Women: A Story of Inequality, Abuse and a Glimmer of Hope

2011-07-25T23:05:00.000-04:00

This paper was written with a wonderful group of girls for my social justice and social change class. We also had to present the information. It was fun to work with a different group of girls and I'd do it again.
_______________________________________________________________________

Assignment 2: Integrative Approach to Social Change

Women: A Story of Inequality, Abuse and a Glimmer of Hope
by Kala Bennett-Alexander, VS, EMP and AW. July 25, 2011

Introduction

For decades women have been considered the weaker sex, treated unequally and abused. Women were almost considered the “others” in certain situations. History tells us the trials and tribulations women had to endure just to live one day to the next in a world where they had no rights, no laws to protect them. This inequality left them to be abused, manipulated and exploited. The fact that men viewed them as unequal’s made it almost alright to abuse them, and there the cycle of inequality started. We have come a long way from the 1800’s, but women are still not viewed as entirely equal on both the work and home front in today’s society.

If we do not irradiate the notion that women are not equal, the instances of abuse will continue to arise with the ebb and flow of inequality. Women have a lot of potential, by educating young people about equality, and instilling strength and belief in young girls to strive to be the best they can.

Inequality

Historically women have been oppressed by gender inequalities in the workforce. Over many years the roles of women have changed dramatically. Traditionally women were not seen to be in the workforce. With the events of World War II and the feminist movement women were able to gain voices and gain certain jobs mostly in the areas of teaching, nursing and serving. Even though these roles were very gender stereotypical of what a women should be doing. As stated in the article ‘Success in your Career’, they say that during World War II women were in the work force “ as the demands of the war created a need to put able bodies to work creating the goods that our servicemen were using to protect our freedoms”( Editors in Career Planning Career Tips Life Skills). Even though women were doing a good deed and helping out in the war, if these women wanted to help out in any other way, they did not have a choice because the roles of care giving and cleaning were still seen as a women’s job.

Workplace Inequality

Today women are taking on roles that in the past you would see only men in. Some of these roles would be managers, doctors, police officers and lawyers. Women were seen as to be delicate and sensitive to emotions and subordinate to men. However, women today have proven that they can exceed in the work force. With this being said Christine Williams article, “The Glass Escalator: Hidden Advantages for Men in the Female Profession” she states that, sex segregation is a two way street and we need to drop barriers and have occupational and economic equality. Women are faced with the glass ceiling and the glass escalator. The glass ceiling is “where women go to a certain level in a corporation and she cannot go any higher that they are stopped right there with their positions and wages (Williams, 326). Williams also states, the glass escalator is the fact that some women are able to take advantage of some positions that males are dominated in. Some positions that were females oriented men are still involved. Men can also enter a female dominate position and they can reach or go higher than a female if she was in the position (Williams, 326).

Kristen Day states, “feminine gender identities are produced not in isolation, but through negotiation with and (frequently) polarization from masculine gender identities” (Day, 110). Meaning that feminine gender identities are looked at after, and decided based on masculine identities. While Connell says “I take ‘masculinity’ to be socially constructed form of life or project in time, which approaches the bodily differences of men from women into a social process of gender” (Connell, 143). The meaning is that men and women are raised differently from one another. Through these gender classification individuals have to find a balance in society to what works for them in the labour force. In time, women and men in the workforce will be treated completely equal.

Home Inequality

While looking at gender inequalities when it comes to the household, it is an ongoing issue. Historically, the roll of breadwinner has been fundamentally tied to masculinity, while the role of housekeeper and caregiver has been tied to that of femininity (Pilcher & Whelehan 1989). The nuclear family was always the ideal household. This consisted of a father, mother and the children. The father would be the breadwinner who would work and the mother would be a stay at home mom to clean and take care of the children. Even though these are the stereotypical roles of gender inequalities in the household it is shaped at birth. Right from birth our parents interact with children differently based on their sex; what a boy does from a girl. These gender roles are what shape an individual on how things will be run in their household. If you were raised in a home where they require the women to stay home to care for the family you are more likely to do the same.

Today even with the rise of the cost of living, gender inequalities in the home have changed. Women are increasing joining the workforce and are less likely to be stay at home moms. However, as stated in Arlie Hochschild article, ‘The Second Shift: Working Parents and the Revolution at Home’ talks about how even though they may be working at home they are still responsible for majority of the chores and childcare. This is why it is called the “second shift” because they have jobs in the public sphere and then come home to the private sphere and do more. Majority of the time, women put in more hours of work week between their job and the home. The stay at home image is also fading because education plays a major factor. The more education the women or even man receive, the more likely they are to pursue careers. Pilcher and Whelehan state that “males are doing more cooking, cleaning and household work than they were in the 1950s (Pilcher & Whelehan 1989). Even thought women are thought to be considered equal there are still many people who breed hate and inequality which leads to abuse of those women caught in the crossfire.

Violence against Women

Violence against women comes in many forms and affects many women on both micro and macro levels of society. Each level has been influenced by society’s history involving the inequalities women faced both enduring abuse and unfair treatment.

History

Today’s generation of people believe that violence or abuse against women is a thing of the past, but the reality is that women all over the world are being abused and mistreated. History shows that from the beginning of time women were expected to comply to all demands made by the men in her life. When she was old enough she would marry a man that would then have certain expectations of her and her duties as a wife. In the 1800’s wife beating was extremely common and only caused outrage if it was extremely brutal or life threatening (Wojtczak, 2009). Even thought it was common knowledge and acceptance that a man had the right to beat his wife if she annoyed, disobeyed or spoke ill towards him, the news in the mid 1800’s was rampant with reports of wife beating, but only found interest in the most extreme cases of violence. In 1853 Henry Fitzroy MP remarked that “no one could read the public journals without being constantly struck with horror and amazement at the numerous reports of cases of cruel and brutal assaults perpetrated upon the weaker sex by men who one blushed to think were Englishmen.” (Wojtczak, 2009). This comment makes one think that society at that time believed that yes, the man did have right to do with his wife as he wanted, but only to the extent wherein the women is not disfigured, maimed, or killed.

Physical abuse was considered to be something normal to do to women; but in the world we live in today physically abusing your spouse is considered a crime. In 1909 the law of kidnapping women was passed. Before that date a person could kidnap a woman who was over sixteen without punishment (Morris, 2011). Being captured by a person that you do not know, or whom you do know and keeping you hostage is something that physically, emotionally, and mentally damages any human being. Women have been through a lot over the years; dealing with the law, community members, and husbands alike. Women were not allowed to ask for a divorce without proving to the court with evidence of disloyalty. Without solid proof the woman was not able to file for divorce until the year 1925. Even then, the women had to come up with £1,500 to obtain the divorce, which in the end would mean they would not be allowed to remarry (Morris, 2011).

In Canada, we were blessed to have Margaret Mitchell as one of the first politicians to raise the issue of violence against women in a court of law. Ironically, Ms. Mitchell was a social worker and represented the New Democratic Party. She is known most for one incident which during a municipal meeting she demanded that the government take action to stop domestic violence against women and the other male MP’s laughed at her. It is sad to think that just a couple decades ago, we as Canadians were so backwards and unfair. It is thanks to strong supporters of equal rights such as Ms. Mitchell, that we as women are permitted to thrive as we do today.

Micro

Abuse can happen to anyone, but women and girls seem to be victimized more so than others. Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, is when one person in the relationship or marriage tries to over power and control the other person. Domestic abuse that involves physical violence is known as domestic violence. Domestic violence and abuse are used for one goal, to gain and maintain total control over the victim. Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to control and manipulate their victim. The abuser may also threaten, physically hurt their victim, or hurt those who matter most around them. Domestic abuse usually will escalate from threats and verbal abuse to physical abuse.

Even though physical and sexual abuse is considered the most obvious danger, emotional and psychological trauma of domestic abuse can be very harmful. Emotionally an abusive relationship can make you feel worthless; it can lead to anxiety and depression, and these issues can be aggravated if there is substance abuse involved as well. The issues women go through while in an abusive relationship can leave lasting scars and many women suffer from mental health issues due to the abuse. Also, women who have children and are in abusive relationships risk losing their children and the risk of an entire breakup of the family. Also, the victim of abuse may have feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation. Substance abuse is usually part of the problem or can add to the problem. In many cases the abuser uses some sort of substance. For instance, alcohol or drugs and the victim of abuse may also use some sort of substance to numb themselves from the physical and emotional pain. Abuse leaves lasting scars on an individual, and in many if not in most cases, victims of abuse need some sort of counseling or intervention. It is very important to mention the signs of an abusive relationship. The most obvious sign is fear of a partner. If the victim feels like they have to constantly watch what they say or do in order to avoid a blow-up, most likely the relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs of an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles their partner or tries to dominate them.

Macro

Although abuse is considered to be a thing of the past in the Western world, it still exists behind the privacy of doors all across the world. Places like Africa and some parts of Asia still treat their women as second rate. For example, in China the male-female imbalance is rising, and there have been reports that there have been targeted abortions of female fetuses after their sex is detected by ultrasound (Lubman). This reflects the low status given to women in most parts of the world. It is perhaps the most violent and disparaging manifestation of the anti-female partiality that infects "patriarchal" societies. There are also many kidnappings of women and female children, wherein they are never to be found again. This happens most often in China when a girl is born into a family that has several other girls ahead of her. It was said that in the 1970’s in China that almost 44.4 percent of female children born to families of six or more children, would mysteriously go missing (Lubman).

Society has become more advanced in the years since the one-child only policy in China was enacted. After the World War II in Canada, women slowly managed to gain small advantages in the work force, to some extent. According to Stats Canada, most, but not all, women staying in shelters on April 15, 2010 were there because of abuse. Of the 4,645 women in shelters on that date, 71% reported abuse as their reason for seeking refuge. The majority of women reported emotional abuse (66%) and physical abuse (53%), while relatively large proportions reported threats (40%), financial abuse (39%), harassment (28%) and sexual abuse (25%) (Cotter & Burczycka). The trend is rising in our society, women are becoming more aware to their surroundings and their legal rights. Some are leaving their abusive partners. This shows by the rate of growing abuse shelters in Canada. While the overall number of shelters in Canada has increased, the growth among the different types of shelters has varied. Statistics Canada states there were 22 more shelters in 2010 than in 2008. Transition homes increased the most and continued to be the most common type of shelter for abused women in 2010. Other increases in 2010 were noted in the number of second-stage housing facilities (up 11 shelters or 11%) and women’s emergency shelters (up 6 shelters or 9%) (Cotter & Burczycka).

Women with disabilities seem to be more victimized than women without disabilities. In Canada, women with disabilities are one in one-half times more likely than non-disabled women to experience some sort of violence in their lifetime. Furthermore 67% of those disabled women surveyed had been physically or sexually assaulted as a child, compared to 44% of non-disabled women (Hick).

In Canada, there are around 509,860 cases of reported and unreported sexual assaults per year, which amounts to 1,397 sexual assaults per day. This daily stat is refined into one women or child being assaulted every minute of every day. Abuse can cause a breakdown of the family which causes many societal problems, for example children may be taken and put into foster care (Commonly asked questions about violence against women)..

Linkage Between Inequality and Abuse

Violence and women’s inequality are inextricably linked. Violence against women and girls is not only a consequence of gender inequality, but reinforces women’s low status in society and the multiple disparities between women and men (UN General Assembly, 2006). Violence against women is both a cause and a result of women’s unequal status in our society, or in other words, violence is a manifestation of women’s inequality (Collins, 1993).

Unbalanced power in relationships render women into a subordinate position than makes them socially and financially dependent on men, with limited access to resources, finances, employment, education and healthcare. Where they exist, cultural, socio-economic, structural and institutional barriers reinforce marginalization of women and any co-existing gender inequality. Such unequal power relations increase women's risks and vulnerability to exploitation and therefore leading to abuse (Kaye, 2004).

Gender inequality and discrimination are root causes of violence against women, which are influenced by a long history of power imbalances between women and men. Violence against women all boils down to women’s general lack of power and control, as well as societal norms that deem what a women’s role is in society, which in turn condones abuse. Inequalities between men and women are numerous in quantity. Inequalities span across public and private realms of life, as well as social economic, cultural and political rights in response to limitations put against women in regards to their choices and opportunities (Causes, protective and risk factors ). Inequalities can increase a women’s risk of being abused, involved in a violent relationship and exploited. Inequalities and abuse for women are intricately entwined and can almost always be expected to be experienced together in some form or another.
When a woman is considered as “less than” her male counterpart, the potential for abuse to occur rises dramatically. When a man considers himself better than his spouse, demanding no resistance, perfection from his spouse and absolute compliance he is more likely to emotionally abuse his spouse by always putting her down, which in turn can mentally convince a women that what he says is true, and finally, if non-compliance or just the need to release anger arises the man may then result to physical abuse.

Integrative Social Action Plan

Promoting gender equality is a critical part of violence prevention. We need to start as early in a child’s growth as possible, starting in primary school before the children have fully formed gender attitudes and behaviours.

Gender equality should be an important topic even in kindergarten. Making the differential between boys and girls may only be blue and pink, dolls and trucks at this age, but if you engrain in a child that both boys and girls can play the same games and like the same things, it puts each gender on an even playing field, which lessens the chance of a male child feeling dominant over a female child in the future.

A good focus must also be placed on pre-adolescents and their interaction with the opposite sex. Girls entering puberty often become either over exuberant about their sexuality or they become recluse. Girls at this age should be engrained with strength and stability, possibly operating a mentoring program in which girls of a certain age have a mentor who is older and can help them work through their feelings regarding self worth, self esteem, peer issues etc.

Our plan is to have a National Girls Movement. The advocacy plan to advocate on behalf of marginalized, and oppressed women and girls, attending to them when they are young. We will go to classrooms from an early age of development of children, typically Kindergarten. We will stress the issues of inequality of men and women along with the issues of abuse, in an appropriate age level approach. To teach the children from a young age is to instil proper judgement and age appropriate conduct between boys and girls, of all ages. Girls and boys have to realise they are different in some ways, but as a human being they have equal rights and equal opportunities. For instance, a girl can be the Prime Minister or a boy can be a stay at home parent if he wishes. We as a society label which jobs are considered female or male, but if we change the outlook of our future generation, then slowly they will change societies labelling system towards a more equal society. This will always be an ongoing issue and we believe that this type of program should be implemented in regular school teaching curriculums.

As we are learning in Social Justice and Social Change class, change is never immediate. An ongoing fight against inequality will inevitably be a topic for change for even our children and many other generations after us. However, we hope that throughout positive reinforcement regarding equal rights for all, our children will rewrite our wrongs and society will strive to be the best.

Conclusion

For many decades women have been looked down upon, singled out as the weaker sex. But what constitutes weakness? An average woman may not be able to lift a sixty pound suitcase, but they endure nine months of gruelling pregnancy, sickness, doctors appointments, poking and prodding and finally hours (and sometimes days!) of labour. If that isn’t strength, maybe the dictionary needs a new definition for strength. Society itself needs to let go of the old world belief that women are the lesser sex, that they belong in the kitchen, and that they should always come second to their husband or brother.

“Educate a boy, and you educate an individual. Educate a girl, and you educate a community.” African Proverb.

References

Causes, protective and risk factors . (n.d.). Retrieved July 20, 2011, from United Nations Entity for Gender Equality and the Empowerment of Women: Causes, protective and risk factors

Collins, M. (1993, May 1). Violence against women a symptom of inequality. Canadian Speeches , pp. 15-17.

Commonly asked questions about violence against women. (n.d.). Retrieved 07 20, 2011, from Canadian Women's Foundation: http://www.cdnwomen.org/EN/section05/3_5_1_1-violence_facts.html

Connell, R.W. "Live Fast and Die Young: The Construction of Masculinity among Young Working-class Men on the Margin of the Labour Market." Journal of Sociology 27.2 (1991): 141-71

Cotter, A., & Burczycka, M. (n.d.). Shelters for abused women in Canada, 2010. Retrieved 07 22, 2011, from Statistics Canada: http://www.statcan.gc.ca/pub/85-002-x/2011001/article/11495-eng.htm#a1

Day, Kristen. 2001. “Constructing Masculinity and Women’s Fear in Public Space in Irvine, California” Gendeer, Place and Culture: A Journal of Feminist Geography 8 (2) pp.109-127

Glossary. (n.d.). Retrieved July 20, 2011, from BC Society of Transition Houses: http://www.bcsth.ca/content/glossary

Hick, S. Social Work in Canada: An Introduction. Toronto: Thompson

History of Domestic Violence: A Timeline of the Battered Women's Movement. (1999, 09 01). Retrieved 07 18, 2011, from Minnesota Center Against Violence and Abuse: http://www.mincava.umn.edu/documents/herstory/herstory.html

Hochschild, Arlie Russell, & Machung, Anne. 1989 The second shift : working parents and the revolution at home / Arlie Hochschild ; with Anne Machung Viking, New York, N.Y

Kaye, D. K. (2004). Gender inequality and domestic violence: implications for human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) prevention. African Health Sciences Vol 4 No 1 .

Lubman, S. (n.d.). Infanticide detailed in China . Retrieved July 24, 2011, from Abortion TV: http://www.abortiontv.com/Misc/ChinaAbortions.htm

Morris, M. (2000). Some facts and dates in Canadian women's history of the 20th century. Retrieved 07 14, 2011, from Canadian Research Institute for the Advancement of Women : http://criaw-icref.ca/millenium

Pilcher, Jane and Whelehan. 2004. "Domestic division of Labour. " In Fifty key concepts in Gender studies. eds. Jane Pilcher and Imelda Whelehan,30-37. London: Sage.

Promoting gender equality to prevent violence against women. (2009). Retrieved 07 22, 2011, from World Heath Organization International: http://www.who.int/violence_injury_prevention/violence/gender.pdf

Statistics Canada (2011). Violence against women

Williams, Christine L. “The Glass Escalator: Hidden Advantages for Men in the “Female’ Professions” in The Gendered Society Reader, edited by Michael S. Kimmel and Amy Aronson, pp. 322-338. 2007 Oxford University Press.

Women in the Workplace- The Changing History of Female Labour. (n.d.). Success in Your Career, Retrieved 07 18, 2011, from http://www.successinyourcareer.com/datafeed/women-in-the-workplace-%E2%80%93-the-changing-history-of-female-labor

Peanut butter Fiend

2011-07-15T11:19:00.000-04:00

I have been on a serious peanut butter craze as of late, and I litrally feel if I dont get my bagel, peanut butter and large earl grey tea in the morning I just might explode.

I'm ok this morning, I got my fix.

So things have been pretty good lately. Got some more progress done with the whole practicum thing, house is shaping up and we're installing a new ac and furnace next week. We are also having an energy audit. I'm trying to cut back on consuption of gas and electric.

we also should be getting our bedroom floors done this month, wihch is nice cause I hate the carpet. It smells.

I also have fruitation in the garden...finally!!!!!! my strawberry experiment failed, but im gonna partially blame that on me, and this crazy hot weather. I dont even remember the last time it rained? mah.

Life is good. Things are feeling better, much more zen than usual. I don't know when that box'll come flying down and hit me on the head, but for the time being, I am living good.

I have a bridal shower tomorrow than the weekend is entirely MINE.

I love that. Haven't had those in a while! <3

Now I have to plan something for our first year aniversary but i'm not sure what. Maybe I can convince Adam to go to Quebec or Ottawa... hmm

k