Daily Satire

Coffee, the Unknown Health Food

2013-04-23T07:51:00.000-07:00

I’d like to take a moment to extol the benefits of coffee as a health food. Too many health food nuts have maligned this amazing substance, decrying caffeine for its healthy properties. However, our research has determined that there are many cases in which coffee truly helps an individual’s health… not only that, but it helps the health of those around them.

Anyone who’s ever tried to deal with a family member or co-worker before they’ve had their morning cup of Java understands this. Their lack of a morning pick-me-up can spell disaster for everyone around that poor individual who wasn’t even awake enough to realize that they needed to fill their mug, before seeing other people. Why, it’s almost like a Dr. Jekyll/ Mr. Hyde sort of situation.

Yes, coffee has amazing transformational powers, which few other substances can claim. Without it, much of society is nothing more than monsters, dangerous to all they encounter. Now, if that doesn’t make drinking coffee healthy, I don’t know what is.

But wait… there’s more…

It has been determined through extensive scientific studies that drinking coffee is one of the healthiest things to do while driving. The health benefits of coffee while driving increase with the number of hours that one spends behind the wheel. Without this wonder drink, drivers everywhere would fall asleep driving, causing incredible harm to themselves and those around them.

Clearly, all the talk about not getting distracted while driving doesn’t apply to coffee. While texting may be a distraction, drinking coffee while driving is a necessity. Any possible harm that the coffee may do is more than overcompensated for by the amazing health benefit of not crashing your car into a bridge abutment. Why, in this case, coffee is a true life saver.

So, you see, coffee truly is healthy. But, let’s look at one more…

How about people who do dangerous work, without their morning latte? Without the extra alertness that coffee imparts to them, they can be in a truly dangerous place. One blink of the eye and they could lose a finger, or even an arm. Yet, when wired by coffee, they have the nerves to quickly avoid those dangerous pitfalls that are waiting to catch them on their jobs.

It is clear that coffee is one of the healthiest things that these people can consume; preventing dangerous accidents which could cause them serious and permanent harm.

I could go on and on with such examples, but I think I’ve given you enough to make my point. Coffee truly is a health food; perhaps the most important of all health foods… that is, except for chocolate… I mean, it’s hard to beat chocolate for anything. Okay, coffee is the second most important health food out there, way above bean sprouts and barley greens. They don’t have anywhere near the power that coffee has to protect our health.

I’d like to recommend the inventor of coffee for a posthumous award of the Nobel peace prize. If there’s ever been anything that has kept peace in people’s lives, than its coffee. The peace they receive from that first cup of morning coffee goes beyond words, helping them to be in peace with all men.

News Flash - Understanding Women

2013-04-16T08:14:00.000-07:00

* NEWS FLASH *

The long-awaited book, “Understanding Women” by Dr. Hewho Knowsitall hit the book stands earlier today. This ground-breaking work has been expected to help men everywhere, in their relentless efforts to understand their wives, or at least manage to stay out of the doghouse. In only 10,523 pages, Dr. Knowsitall has given men a first-time insider’s look at a woman’s thought process, breaking it down into only 7,641 easy to understand steps.

Although men literally formed lines at Barnes & Nobles stores everywhere, much like they do at BestBuy for Black Friday, they didn’t manage to get their hands on the first copies sold. As the doors opened, hordes of angry women stormed the stores, beating the men to the display.

At first, it wasn’t clear whether the women were after the book to keep it out of men’s hands or simply so that they could understand themselves. But the purpose of the women quickly became clear as they pulled out their red pens and started making comments and corrections in the margins. It seems that this was a planned demonstration by women nationwide.

Listening in at the comments that the women were making, as their red pens were flying, it was clear that they didn’t think highly of Dr. Knowsitall’s work. They were fast to discredit any imagined slight or error they encountered, instead of applaud him for his ground-breaking effort.

It is hard to say what the publisher is going to do now. The work could go back for revision or might just be pulled off the bookstore shelves. Whatever happens, it’s clear that men aren’t going to get the information they sought and will have to continue living in the dog house, every time that they can’t read their wives minds.

Stay tuned. We’ll bring you the latest updates on this breaking story. Who knows, maybe reason will break out after all…. Naa.

How to Buy a Gazebo on eBay

2012-10-03T08:04:00.002-07:00

Why you would want to buy a gazebo on eBay is beyond me. The last one I saw was made of marble. Do you realize how much the shipping on that monster would be? It would probably cost almost as much as buying the gazebo itself. Then, you’d need a crane and a construction crew to unload it from the truck and put it together at your house. Are you really sure you want a gazebo? Well, if you do, here’s how to buy one…

Look up the word “gazebo” on Dictionary.com so that you can be sure you know what you’re talking about. You don’t want to get tricked into buying a false gazebo, just because you don’t know what you’re looking for.
Check for gazebos on Wikipedia.com. That should give you a pretty good history of gazebos. You’re buying a piece of history here, so you should know what gazebos are all about. Don’t forget to check out the etymology of the word “gazebo.” You wouldn’t want to misuse it.
By now, you’re probably tired of looking at your computer. Take a break, go down to the local Starbucks and buy me a Peppermint Mocha. You can buy something for yourself too, if you’d like.
Get on eBay and do a search for “gazebo.” Make sure you don’t misspell it, or who knows what you’ll end up with.
Notice that you’ve got a lot of junk that you don’t want. I mean, how are you going to hold a party in a 9” tall gazebo or a picture of a gazebo? You need to get rid of all that other junk. The easiest way to do that is to click no Home & Garden in the filters. That way, there’s a much better chance that the gazebos you see will be big enough to get inside.
Spend the next 4 hours perusing in detail all 6,432 gazebos listed on eBay. Remember, you aren’t allowed to get up from your chair, get a glass of water, or go to the bathroom in that time. That’s why you got your coffee first.
Save the gazebos you like to your watch list. That way, you can waste more time looking at them again.
Yes, you’ve got it, that’s the next step, go back and look at all the ones you liked one more time, so that you can pick out a favorite. Don’t bother removing the ones you decide you don’t like from your watch list, you don’t want to lower the confusion factor.
Once you’ve spent another two hours narrowing it down to your favorite, you’re ready to put in a bid. Make sure you don’t put in too high a bid, after all, this is eBay… you know, it’s got to be cheap.
Sit there biting your nails for the next day or two, while you wait for somebody to outbid you. That won’t happen until the last 15 seconds, so that you don’t have enough time to outbid the outbidder.
Throw something at a wall, yell into a pillow, jump up and down, and otherwise act immature because you didn’t get what you wanted.
Go back to step seven and repeat the cycle as many times as necessary, getting more desperate each time, so that you are settling for something you don’t like as much and bidding higher and higher.
Eventually you will win a gazebo that you don’t really want, at a price that’s more than you wanted to pay, and with exorbitant shipping to boot.
Don’t forget to pay! As eBay says, when you bid, you enter into a contract to buy the gazebo of somebody else’s dreams once you bid.
Wait for your gazebo to get there, grumbling all the while about having paid too much.
Try not to be there when the delivery truck arrives, hoping that they’ll send it back. However, they won’t send it back, they’ll park your nice new gazebo right in front of your door.

There you have it. Now, are you sure you really want to buy a gazebo on eBay? Wouldn’t you rather take that money and go on vacation somewhere that has a gazebo you can look at? It would be whole lot easier, and maybe even cheaper. No matter what, it will definitively be less stressful.

Note from author: There is no slight intended against eBay in this satire. I buy regularly via eBay and have never had anywhere close to this bad an experience. Like much of satire, this is an exaggeration, intended to make things look much worse than they actually are. eBay is a wonderful business and I personally appreciate them. This, on the other hand, was just written for fun.

The Monday Conspiracy

2012-10-01T06:55:00.002-07:00

Let me start by saying that I’m really not into conspiracy theories, although I have seen a few that make me wonder… Anyway, have you ever noticed how many people don’t like Mondays? I used to think that it was people’s imaginations when they said that Mondays were always bad. It was like they were expecting it to be bad, so they were looking for it to be bad, so they had a bad attitude, so everything ended up being bad. Kind of like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Nevertheless, I have finally found compelling evidence that shows me that Mondays are truly a conspiracy. Yes, they’re a conspiracy to make us hate 1/7 of our life. Why anyone would want to make so many people miserable is beyond me. However, there is no question that there is a secret society, whose sole goal is to make everyone hate Mondays. What? You don’t believe me? Look at this:

Almost all workplaces start the work week on Monday. If there were no conspiracy, why wouldn’t some of them start on Tuesday, or Wednesday?
There are no traffic jams on Saturday of Sunday, yet every Monday morning, millions of people are stuck in a long line of creeping traffic.
Many companies pay on Friday, ensuring that their employees blow their paychecks over the weekend and have to go back to work on Monday.
Monday night football has much lower viewership than Sunday football, showing that most people are too tired and too bummed out to even watch football.
Less is accomplished in any workplace on Mondays than any other day of the week, except Fridays. Of course, on Fridays, everyone is too busy thinking about the weekend to think about work.
If it weren’t for Mondays, everyone could have a perpetual weekend. While not much work would get done, people would be happier, doing what they want to do, rather than doing what they have to do.

So, why is it that this secret society is working so hard to ruin everyone’s Mondays? The only thing that makes sense is to try and get people to quit their jobs. Yes, this society is against the free enterprise, capitalistic system that makes our economy strong. They’re working to being down industry, making America a country of unemployed people who are dependent upon government aid to function.

This clearly must be a move on the parts of our foreign competitors. If the old Soviet Union was still around, I’d say that they were a prime candidate. However, with their demise, we must look elsewhere. It seems that it would have to be some of the Pacific Rim countries, who are benefiting from American companies sending our manufacturing jobs overseas.

Think of it. If the Chinese or Japanese can get us to quit being a productive society, they guarantee that we’ll buy their products. There won’t be any “buy American” campaigns, because there won’t be any American products to buy. All they have to do is get American’s to quit producing, and they guarantee their market dominance for the next 50 years or more. Quite a business strategy, isn’t it?

You have to realize that to stop working doesn’t mean that we’ll stop consuming. We’re the biggest society of consumers in the world. Our lives are built around consuming; we’re taught how to be consumers from the first moment we look at a television. So, of course, we’ll keep on consuming.

What’s that? How will we keep on consuming when we’re not working? Simple; credit cards. The average American already spends ten percent more than they earn. So, if you take away the income side of the equation, then we can manage to spend 110 percent of what we earn. Actually, it’ll be more than that, since we’ll have more time to consume, without all that pesky time lost working.

So, there you have it. Don’t fall for that conspiracy. Embrace your Mondays! Be part of the one percent that actually enjoys going to work! Don’t let foreign competition break you down!

How to Replace a Motherboard

2012-07-18T08:38:00.000-07:00

Really now, are you sure you want to do that? Don’t you know that divorce isn’t the answer? You get one divorce and all you’re going is setting yourself up for a string of divorces. And what about your kids? Yeah, I saw that; you’re talking about replacing their motherboard. Don’t you know that you can’t replace a kid’s mother? Why, you might get another woman to do the housework, but she’ll never be his mother. The most you can expect is that they’ll develop a fondness for her as a step-motherboard.

You know, you’d be a lot better off just fixing the relationship you have. In the long run, that’ll work out better for everyone. After all, whatever problems you have in this relationship are going to get carried over into the next one. Just ask any woman, all the problems in your marriage are your fault, not hers.

If you do decide that you have to replace her, remember, replacing a motherboard can be pretty expensive. You’ve got to figure in alimony, child support and the horrendous fees that lawyers charge. I guarantee you, you’re not going to win out on this deal.

What if you lose custody of the little hard drives? You know, she might get them. Then, it won’t be so much an issue of replacing the motherboard as replacing the fatherboard. Yeah, have you thought of that? That’s a big deal. You could end up out on the trash heap, all alone, without anyone to connect to. Then what’ll you do?

So, like I said, you’re better off fixing the motherboard you have, instead of replacing her. Now, you really can’t fix her, all you can fix is you. Yeah, that’s right, you can’t change her at all; at least not in a direct way. The only thing you can do is change you, and hope that the changes in you will bring about a change in her.

Actually, that’s more effective anyway. The problems you have with her probably have a lot to do with you. Are you sure you’re giving her the right input? How about your power connection, is it good for her? Maybe you’re filling up her memory with so much garbage, that the good stuff can’t come out. You’ve heard it, “Garbage in, garbage out.”

Steps to Replacement

Okay, so I haven’t convinced you. Well, if you’re still going to replace your motherboard, here’s how to do it.

You’ve got to power down the system before doing anything, and get everything disconnected from the case. Open it up and you’ll see the motherboard laying there.
First of all, make sure you have all your documentation in order. You’re never going to get things to come out the way you want if you don’t have the right information.
Next, find yourself a good lawyer. These things can be tricky, and you want to make sure that you have the right protection. You’ve need one that’s well grounded, to protect you and the new motherboard from a shock.
Get everything out of the way that could cause problems. Motherboards can be a bit hard to get to, with everything in the way. So, if there’s anything between you and her, be sure to disconnect it and take it out of the way.
Remove all her connections. You don’t want anything keeping you from getting her out of there, once you unscrew her.
Unscrew the motherboard. Not all motherboards are held in with screws, but most have at least a few. There are probably a bunch of standoffs, which she’ll need to be lifted off from. That can be touchy, as unhooking one standoff can cause another one to grab hold.
Once you’ve removed the old motherboard, you can install the new one. It should go in right where the old one was. You’ll need to reconnect everything to her and reinstall all the little cards. They may not connect in the same places as the old ones did, but the connectors will be the same.

Conclusion

Replacing your motherboard can make your computer hotter. Be sure that you keep her well ventilated so that she doesn’t overheat. Hopefully, everything will work out okay and you’ll enjoy your life with your newer, faster motherboard. If not, you’re stuck with her, you’ve already thrown the old one away, so there’s nothing you can do about it.

Note to the reader: If you don't know what a motherboard is, it's the main circuit board in a computer. I just twisted the meaning a bit to write this.

The Last French Fry

2012-05-03T07:29:00.002-07:00

Have you noticed how the great meal deals of those fast food restaurants keep getting bigger and bigger all the time? It seems that no matter how big they are, we always want them just a little bit bigger. After all, what does the government know, saying that we only need 2,000 calories per day? Where in the Constitution does it give them a right to limit our food intake? I’m an American; I have a right to eat all I want, or at least all I can afford.

Why, if I want to eat all those calories in one sitting, I should be able to. Just think of it, stop in for a quick bite of cholesterol, fat and salt, all wrapped up in a supersized-jumbo-deluxe burger fiesta. Who cares about eating healthy, bring it on! My doctor can give me something to keep me healthy, that’s his job, not mine.

You know, as big as those meals get, it seems like they’re never big enough. You can sit there and pig out on all the cholesterol and carbohydrates you want, but eventually, you get to that last French fry. Oh, how sad it is to finally reach the bottom of the barrel, or at least the bottom of the French fry wrapper. “Why can’t they make these things bigger?” you ask, “I could keep on eating them for at least another hour.”

Yes, it’s a sad moment we all must face, when we finally get to that last French fry. Yet, it comes to us all; that moment when we must say goodbye to our super burger meal, with all its fat and calories. That last French fry is consumed, and all we have left are the memories.

There’s a sad finality to wadding up the wrappers, almost like burying your pet cockroach. To have to throw away the clothing which held that succulent juicy cholesterol burger, and those carbohydrate sticks we call fries. Letting them go is like saying goodbye to an especially close friend. Even so, this is a friends whom we get to take with us forever.

Maybe we should start naming our meals. Then, when we meet a friends who we haven’t seen for years, we don’t need to be embarrassed about our fat, we can instead introduce them to all our friends. “This here, that’s Marv, he was a triple burger I ate on the Fourth of July; and this over here, well, she was special; that was the three pound burrito I ate on New Year’s. Yeah, me and my friends here, we get along great. I’ve kept them safe and warm for a long time.”

Of course, naming every French fry might be a bit much. It would be hard to keep track of all those names. It might just be easier to name every roll of fat, like “the French fry hills” and “soft drink slope.” Yeah, that would be easier to remember. Then, they could all get together, like a little family.

You see, there’s no reason to get sad about that last French fry. Yes, your taste buds will have to say goodbye to them, but the rest of you can welcome them with open arms, welcoming them home to stay… forever.

Virtual Life

2012-04-25T07:54:00.000-07:00

Ever since the first affordable personal computer was built, the PC has been working hard to integrate itself into every area of our lives. Where once computers were massive artifacts, relegated to the geeks in their IT departments, requiring a computer science degree to understand, they have become simple enough for small children to teach their parents how to use.

Adding the World Wide Web and broadband connectivity has only helped to integrate the computer even more fully into our lives. Why, we are surrounded by computers today, with computers on our desks, computers in our phones, computers in our cars and even computers in our appliances. It’s just about to the point where we can access our refrigerator from work, check to see what’s inside it and have our oven start cooking it, all from the comfort of our computer.

With Internet access, you no longer need to even leave your home. You can do your shopping online, check out the movies you want to see, read the books you want to read (do people still read?) and interact with people all over the world. Why, friendships have even been reshaped by the Internet, now a friend is someone you don’t know, but laugh at their funny photos and comments on Facebook. You can even fall in love, get married and live happily ever-after with someone through your computer; without ever having to see them.

Yes, the avatar has replaced the person. We’re all in the process of becoming little images of who we think we are, whether that has anything to do with who we really are or not. You can now fall in love with a beautiful avatar of the girl of your dreams, without ever knowing who she really is.

Soon, social media will take over people’s lives; they will no longer live a real life, but merely a virtual one. These new people will go to virtual schools, earn money in virtual work, eat virtual food, form virtual relationships and have virtual children. No longer will they need to worry about real life, they can enjoy their virtual one instead.

Let’s just look at virtual jobs as an example. They’re much better than real jobs, because you don’t have to do them all day. You can just show up once in a while, and with a few mouse clicks, you’ve earned your money for the day. Then you can go on a shopping spree to spend that virtual money on virtual stuff. Stop in and visit your virtual girlfriend and take her out for a virtual meal. Since you’re paying for it with virtual money, paint the town, it won’t cost you a cent.

I think the next step down the road towards virtual life is when they start making portable computer packs with the screens in goggles. Then people won’t have to leave their virtual world for anything. As they drive down busy city streets, they can change the scenery to a virtual countryside, populated by elves and unicorns and other fairy-tale creatures.

Just think, you’d never have to deal with an angry boss again. If your boss showed up, you could just delete him. That annoying co-worker could be changed into a cat. The customer who gives you a hard time could be converted to a horse and you could go riding off into the sunset.

Yes, this virtual life has potential. If there ever was a drug for the masses, it’s not cocaine, it’s the virtual world. Forget about having to get away from your problems, you can just get rid of them. Talk about looking at life through rose colored glasses, you can have your virtual glasses show life in any color you want. Ahh, what a life… who would want a real life, when you can have a virtual one?

The Missing Energy Drink Ingredient

2012-04-23T07:19:00.002-07:00

Perhaps you’ve been asleep for the last few years and missed it, but the nation is becoming overrun by energy drinks. According to the commercials, all one needs to do, when feeling tired in the middle of the afternoon, is grab an energy drink and you’ll be back to work, bustling with energy and filled with a joy to be working once again. I’m not sure if those drinks are about giving one energy or making one fall in love with their work.

Has anyone ever checked what those things contain? Are we sure that they’re not filled with drugs? Maybe they’re really some sort of special drug, manufactured under a joint venture agreement by a number of companies; with the goal of making people work harder.

Our youth seem to be especially enamored with these energy drinks. Like fancy coffee, sushi rolls and expensive ice cream; energy drinks seem to be created especially for the younger generation. What people used to call normal tiredness is now looked at as a problem, which needs the solution of an energy drink.

Have you seen the price of those things? Why, they’ve got to be more expensive per gallon than gasoline. If one was to have an energy drink a day, they’d need the extra energy, just to make enough money to pay for their energy drink habit.

Of course, the easy solution to this is for the cheapskates amongst us, is to start making our own energy drinks. It’s a fairly simple recipe. All you need is three parts sugar, one part pure caffeine and some sort of a bad tasting liquid base to put it in; and voila! You’ve got you own “designer energy drink.” If you want to make it more impressive, add some ginseng or other exotic sounding roots and herbs. The more of those sorts of ingredients you can add, the more impressive it will sound to your friends. Even so, it’s the sugar and caffeine that will make it work.

I don’t know how, but in all this hype of energy drinks, everyone has missed the greatest energy food of all… chocolate. How can so many companies create drinks which are supposed to make you full of energy, and forget the greatest energy food of all times? It’s mind boggling, that’s what it is.

At least with chocolate, one knows what they’re getting. With some of those drinks, I’m not all that sure. Maybe they give you energy, and then again, maybe they just convince you that they’re giving you energy. Whichever it is, they’d definitely do a better job with that ageless magic ingredient called chocolate added in.

Chipmunk Machining Operations

2012-04-22T07:29:00.002-07:00

A new technological breakthrough has been made in the area of machining operations, specifically in the machining of wood. Recent advances in animal training has made possible the training of chipmunks to carry out detailed wood machining operations. This is a tremendous advance over the previous gold standard of using squirrels.

The history of using animals for forming wood products goes back to the days when the first beavers were trained to cut logs for cabins. By comparison to training chipmunks, beavers are much more easily adapted to these woodworking functions, since they have a natural affinity to wood. Unfortunately, their large size, and the large size of their teeth makes it difficult to use beavers for any sort of fine detail work.

The most difficult part of training beavers was in getting them to follow the blueprint. Although great woodcutters, they are accustomed to following their own whim, not concerning themselves with such trivialities as dimensions and tolerances.

In more recent times, muskrats and squirrels have been trained to replace beavers. While these smaller animals can never reach the peak of efficiency of even a sick beaver, their smaller size produces finer finishes and more intricate parts. Squirrels especially seem to have an affinity for following drawings and blueprints, almost mocking the designer in their unerring accuracy. Their ability to grasp the use of measuring devices was a true surprise to their trainers.

Yet, all this has been eclipsed with the new generation of chipmunk carvers. Being considerably smaller than even squirrels, chipmunks can provide a level of detail to their work which their larger cousins can only dream of. When fine intricate work is needed, chipmunks are truly a world-class choice. Not only do their smaller teeth give them the ability to do this detail work, but chipmunks seem to have a built-in measuring system, which surpasses the squirrels’ use of measuring devices. One look at a drawing and a chipmunk can reproduce every detail perfectly.

Experimentation is underway to expand the use of chipmunks for materials other than wood. An ongoing experiment, where their teeth are replaced by tungsten-carbide implants is underway, seeing if the natural machining ability of chipmunks can be applied to metal fabrications work as well.

There is also some interest in using them for the plastics industry, as training a chipmunk is much cheaper than building an injection mold. While it is sure that the chipmunks can gnaw their way through many plastics, it appears that they don’t like the flavor. New formulations are under development, creating flavored plastics, which will be much more palatable to the tongue of the chipmunk.

It is theorized that the new capabilities that chipmunks bring to the machining industry will revolutionize many designs, taking advantage of the new ability to provide greater detail and finer accuracy.

The Never-ending Problem

2012-04-20T07:52:00.000-07:00

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about human nature through the years, it’s that people like to complain. Granted, some like to complain more than others; and some show some genuine artistry in their ability to complain, while others are just your run-of-the-mill complainers.

Being an election year, the complainers are out in full force. One party complains about the other’s policies, making them out to be a bunch of villains, and the other complains back. Some of these complaints are rather remarkable. I mean, the people who make them up must be way out there to come up with them. Why, they’ll take something that a candidate says and twist, turn, fold, spindle and mutilate it into something totally different, on a totally different topic.

I haven’t decided if these spin doctors are on drugs, from the planet Xircon or just escapees from insane asylums. Once the campaign is over, they shouldn’t bother going to work for the government; I’m sure that they could make more money writing fiction. They’ve already got the experience.

Leaving these professional complainers behind; let’s get back to the run-of-the mill complainer. It seems that many of them are only happy when they are complaining. I mean, have you looked at Facebook lately? At least ten percent of the comments on there are somebody complaining about something or someone that the rest of us couldn’t care less about.

Maybe complaining is a safety valve for these people, to keep them from exploding. If that’s the case, then it would seem to me that we would be doing them a favor to help ensure that they always had something to complain about. It could be sort of a fall-back position, for moments when they run out of other things to complain about. That way, they’d always be miserable, which should make them always be happy.

All we need is something that’s big enough and long lasting enough that it becomes a permanent problem in their lives. At the same time, it’s can’t be so big that it overshadows all other complaints. If it were to reach those cosmic proportions, they might get bored of complaining about it, and just become miserable. No, there needs to be a very careful balance there, between being big enough to complain about and small enough to allow other complaints to overshadow it.

If we want to do this right, we would need to gift this problem equally to everyone at a very young age. That way, we couldn’t be accused of discrimination against complainers. Since they would be young, we’d need to educate them about the problem, so that they would have a true appreciation of it.

This sounds like a job for the public schools. We could institute an elementary school class, which infuses the mind of our children with a life-long problem, like taxes or the national debt, so that they could learn how to worry and complain about it at a very young age. Actually, it wouldn’t be hard to do. All it would take is to lower the age for paying income taxes to five years old. Then, the IRS could be after the kiddies, to make them pay income tax on their allowance. If anything would be a problem for a child, that would be it.

This might even put an end to the problem of people who don’t pay their income taxes. By starting them out young, when they are still quite impressionable, they would be indoctrinated by the time they became adults. Then, even the bum on the streets would be accustomed to paying taxes on their panhandling. Hmm, this could be boon for the American government; more tax revenue, without raising taxes.

Let’s not lose track of the focus though. Increased tax revenue is only a side-benefit. The true goal here is to help out the complainers, giving them ready access to something that they could complain about. While indoctrinating them early would be a major part of that plan, regular reminders are necessary as well.

Perhaps going back to Roman times, and installing tax collecting booths would help keep people reminded of their tax burden. Except, instead of putting them at the entrances of cities, we could put them at the exits of the workplaces. Then, people would be able to pay their own income taxes, instead of having their employer take it out of their check. If they don’t pay, they don’t get to leave work.

Aha, once again we have a way to boost tax revenue, while doing the people a favor. Get all those bureaucrats out of the IRS offices and into the workplaces, where they can really make people miserable. That’s the IRS’s goal anyway; why not help them do it even better?

Professional Spenders

2012-04-18T08:04:00.002-07:00

There have been some notices floating around Facebook lately about how much a congress-critter makes. According to those notices, once you’ve been elected to “public office” at the national level, your salary is guaranteed for the rest of your life. They’ve got the best unemployment and retirement package in existence.

Like many, that has bothered me a bit; but, I think I’ve finally gotten to understand it. You see, the only things that those congress-critters know how to do is tell other people what they can’t do and throw other people’s money at problems. So, once they are forcibly retired, they can’t get another job.

So, as unfair as it is, I guess there is some twisted logic in paying these professional spenders a lifetime severance package. Of course, that doesn’t justify such a big golden parachute, at least not in the mind of Archie Bunker and friends. Nevertheless, they’re probably worth at least $1.95 per year.

There’s nowhere in the private sector for a professional spender. While some may argue that purchasing agents spend their company’s money, there’s a huge difference between corporate spending and government spending. You see, with corporate spending, the company receives something in return; and that something they receive has to be of equal value to the money they spent.

On the other hand, congress doesn’t worry about receiving something for what they spend. After all, it’s tax money; something that no “public servant” in their right mind would even bother to think about. They don’t have to show a profit or any return on investment, so it’s easy to throw the taxpayers’ money at problems, real or perceived. It’s all an illusion anyway.

Perhaps we should rename Congress, “The Department of National Spending.” That would, at least, be a more accurate description of their function. We could then change the way in which they spend money, by eliminating the voting on bills, and let each congress-critter spend their “fair share” of tax revenue as they see fit.

Under this plan, each congress-critter would be allocated $5,000,000,000 per year to spend (that’s five billion, in case you got lost counting all those zeroes). The various departments within the government would compete for allocation of that money, lobbying the congress-critters to support their department. Of course, some departments would have the help of special-interest groups for their lobbying efforts, so lobbyists wouldn’t lose their jobs. Then the congress-critter decides where they which department they will give their five billion to.

The money could all be given to one department or could be divided in any way, between all the different departments of the government. If a particular congress-critter doesn’t like what a department is dong, they could withhold support from that department, attempting to force them to make cuts. If there’s a department which seems to be doing an outstanding job, congress could respond by giving them more money.

Of course, the Senate would try and claim that they have a right to allocate a greater amount of government spending than the House of Misrepresentatives. However, it’s actually the House which is supposed to control spending, not the Senate. So, this could be one place where the two houses could be at least equal.

Then there’s the President. He’s going to want to get in on the act as well. After all, the best thing about being president is having a greater ability to pass out money than Congress does. So, I suppose we’d have to allocate $100,000,000,000 (that’s one-hundred billion) to the president, for him to spread around.

If nothing else, this new plan might encourage better controls on government spending. Gosh, maybe someone would realize that the government needed to learn how to run efficiently; a word that they can’t even spell, let alone apply.

Another clear advantage of this program would be that congress-critters would have more free time in their schedules to get a real job. That way, they’d have something to fall back on, when they get out of office. Yep, learning how to flip burgers would be a real improvement over their current skills, which consist of lying, cheating and stealing. At least with flipping burgers, they could contribute something to society, instead of just taking from it.

Keepin’ Up with Changes

2012-04-17T08:38:00.001-07:00

Way back when, when Henry Ford came out with his Model T, there was only one model to choose from. The options list consisted of colors; you could have any color you wanted, as long as it was black. That was it. Although he did end up coming out with a few versions of the original (roadsters, coupes and touring versions) Henry sold that same basic model of car for 19 years. It didn’t matter if you bought one in 1909 or 1928, the parts were still interchangeable.

Of course, his competitors saw this as a disadvantage; but they didn’t have Ford’s interest in providing benefit to society, they were more interested in getting people to buy their cars. Hence, the invention of the model year. Yep, change the car a little bit each year, and you can surely get some people to get rid of their old one and buy the new one.

While those model year changes could be a bit of a hassle to keep up with, they were nothing compared to the model week changes we’re seeing today. Have you ever tried to keep up with the changes in digital camera models, or even worse, cell phones? If you go into a store to look at cell phones today, and decide to think about it a few days before buying it; there’s a good chance that when you go back to the store, that model will have been replaced by a newer one.

It has become so hard to keep up with the latest and greatest cell phone designs that some businesses are considering a phone rental program. With this very expensive program, you wouldn’t actually buy your phone, you’d merely rent it. Actually, you would be renting the phone as part of your service agreement. The company would guarantee that you would always have the latest and greatest of your particular phone style.

What this would mean is that when your phone model was replaced by a newer design, you would receive a newer phone. The company would send you a text message, informing you that your phone was due for a trade up. You’d go to the store, and they’d replace your one week old phone with the newer model. They’d even transfer all your phone numbers, pictures and apps over for you.

Since you’d only used the old phone for a week, it would probably still look like new; so the store could then sell it to someone who wasn’t as concerned about having the latest and greatest as you are.

Maybe they could even go to a multi-tiered system. People in tier one, who would of course pay the highest premiums, would get the latest phone. After a week or two, when they traded them in, those phones would go to the people in tier two, who paid a bit less. Those would be people who wanted the latest technology, but weren’t so concerned about showing up their friends and co-workers.

After another month or so, those people would then trade their still almost new phone in, where it would go to the tier three cheapskates, who would keep the phone for a year. They’d still have something pretty nice and pretty new, but wouldn’t have the latest and greatest. This tier would be for people who like high-tech, but don’t have a latest-and-greatest sort of budget.

Just think of all the time a system like this could save. Instead of having to keep track of the latest model releases, you could just wait till you’re informed by your service provider. You’d always have the latest, or close to the latest, if you chose tier two, without any of the annoying decision making that you have to go through now. Since you’d be making a monthly payment for your phone anyway, there would be no reason not to trade up.

I can see this system rapidly expanding to include digital cameras, computers, and even flat-screen televisions. You’d never have to worry about keeping up with the Jones’, they’d be trying to keep up with you. You’d finally win the game and truly be keeping up with technology.

Negativity Alarm

2012-04-16T08:00:00.000-07:00

In case you haven’t noticed yet, the world in which we live is rather negative. In fact, it’s very negative. Many things are expressed in a negative way, rather than a positive one. Take traffic lights for instance, I’m sure you’ve noticed that they’re called “stop lights;” well, why not call them “go lights?” After all, that’s what we’re all waiting for, them to signal us that we can go, not that we can stop.

If you take a moment to look around, you’ll notice all kinds of things like this. It’s no wonder that there are so many negative, depressed people in the world; it’s almost like society is working overtime to make us that way.

On the flip side of the coin, we look suspiciously at people who are always smiling, happy and positive. There’s something about them, which makes us all wonder if they’re on something. Either that or we just figure that they’re out of touch with reality. After all, we all know that life is full of problems, so they can’t be all that happy, not without something to help them along.

In a recent in-depth study done by me, I looked at the lives of three people, my pet dog, the neighbor’s cat and four birds in our back yard. In this earth-shaking study, I discovered that negativity breeds negativity. That’s right, if you are around people who are negative all the time, you too will learn how to be negative. Every wondered why you’re so negative? It’s from listening to your mother tell you “No!” all those years you were growing up.

Yep, if your mother had just been more positive, you’d be so too. Of course, everyone else might think that you belong in a funny farm, but that’s their problem. It’s not your fault that they were born to negative mothers.

The obvious solution to this problem is to avoid negative people. Hindu gurus do this by climbing the highest mountain they can find, and hiding out in a cave up there. They spend their days meditating on nothing, because there’s nothing much that one can do hiding out in a cave. C’mon now, what would you do if you spent all your days in a cave in the mountains?

Well, for those of us that want a little more excitement in our lives than what cave life offers, we need a way to avoid negativity, while still living in the midst of society. That would mean that we need a negativity alarm. Since negative people put off a negative vibe, somebody should be able to develop an electronic device which alerts us at their pending arrival. That would give us the chance to duck out quickly, before they appear.

The same device could probably home in on positive people, providing us with a way of getting closer to those crazies who always see life through rose colored glasses. You know who I mean, the people who always have a smile on their faces, a joke on their lips and a laugh on their belly.

Of course, with so much negativity in the world, the alarm would probably be going off constantly. I think that could be overcome though. There would probably be a learning curve for new users, in which their device would help them identify the negative influences in their lives. Once those were identified, they could restructure their lives to avoid all those negative influences. Of course, that might require the aforementioned cave in the mountains.

I can see where businesses and schools would quickly be making rules to outlaw the use of such devices. Since students generally think that their teachers are negative, taking away their freedom to hang out with their friends, alarms would be going off constantly. Likewise in workplaces, since most people aren’t thrilled with their bosses. Managing would be extremely tricky when every employee would have an alarm to tell them when their boss was getting close. “Quick everyone, pretend to work, the boss is coming.”

Even with these restrictions, I still think this device would be worth inventing. People could avoid at least some of the negativity in their lives, like court dates, dentist appointments and bill collectors. Just think how much happier most people would be without those.

How Much was that Cup of Coffee?

2012-04-14T07:44:00.000-07:00

Whatever happened to the day of the 29₵ cup of coffee? Okay, okay, I know, inflation had something to do with it. Even so, with 216% inflation over the last 30 years, that 29₵ cup should only be 63₵ now. Yet, the last time I went into a coffee shop, I paid over $4.00 for my cup of Java.

I remember a campaign against cigarette smoking that took place in the 70’s. Somebody had gone through the math to figure out how expensive cigarette smoking was. Their campaign focus was about how much the average smoker could save by quitting. While the campaign wasn’t very effective, it still showed how expensive a habit smoking could be.

Well, guess what, our national coffee habit is pretty expensive too. Let’s see, if one cup of coffee is $4.00, then a 2 cup per day habit costs $2,920.00 per year. Wow, that’s enough money to go on vacation (okay, so I do cheap vacations). Think of the benefits of giving up your coffee habit; all that money you’d save, fewer problems with your nerves; and it’d be so much easier to fall asleep at your desk.

Okay, so maybe giving up coffee isn’t such a good idea. I really don’t think a national movement is going to start on that one. But still, what makes it so expensive? Starbucks closed all their stores one day, a few years back; so that they could use the day for training. From what I’ve heard from an inside source, the training was about how to say, “That’ll be $7.00 for your coffee” without cracking a smile.

And so, the quest for the perfect cup of coffee goes on. The big boys battle over market share, while the little guys seek to beat them out on quality. Coffee drinks get more and more exotic, straying farther and farther away from your basic cup of Java. Who knows, before long, we may not even be able to tell that it contains coffee beans. I can just see the day, when coffee drinks have become so changed, that you can’t even tell what they are. Here are a few which I hear are under development:

The Kennedy Cup – Gold dust is sprinkled over the whipped cream, making it the most expensive cup of coffee around. They just can’t seem to get the gold to keep from falling to the bottom.
The Socialist Cup – You have to share half of it with the person behind you in the line.
The Stock Trader’s Cup – The price goes up and down all day. The trick is to figure out when is the best time to buy and when is the best time to drink.
The Teacher’s Cup – A miniature .MP3 player gives you a history lesson about coffee.
The Catalytic Converter Cup – A strip of platinum in your coffee is supposed to remove the caffeine. They just haven’t been able to get it to work yet.
The Health Cup – It’s actually an herbal concoction, that’s supposed to give you the daily doses of vitamins. They top it with artificial, low calorie, low fat, low flavor whipped cream and a coffee bean (decaffeinated) so that you think it’s coffee.
Designer Color Coffee – You can pick the color of your coffee; mauve, pink, emerald green, royal blue and lemon yellow will be the first to come out.
Edible Coffee Cups – In an effort to “go green” manufacturers are experimenting with edible cups. The biggest problem they seem to have is keeping them from dissolving before you can finish your coffee.

Hail to the First Socialist

2012-04-13T06:58:00.000-07:00

Socialists the world over have done a great disservice to the inventor of socialism. Karl Marx has been given this honor, but those that are in the know understand that he was only copying the ideas of a much earlier socialist. This first socialist started working to bring about class equality and eliminate socioeconomic classes in the middle ages. By comparison, Marx is a latecomer, not writing his socialist theories till the later half of the 1800s.

This first socialist is one who is even wider known than Marx, even though he has never received proper credit for his work. In fact, his existence has been relegated to legend, ignoring the important social work that he did in his time. I am speaking, of course, of Robin Hood.

While Robin Hood’s philosophy was much simpler than that of Marx, nor did it include the ravings of the latter. Hood didn’t see a need to foment revolution or destruction of society as it was known, he was only interested in the redistribution of wealth. While Marx spoke of a utopian society where everyone was equal, Hood was more pragmatic, recognizing the differences that existed and doing what he could to create financial equality and help the poor.

Yet, Hood’s basic philosophy is stated throughout Marx’s writings. While Marx encouraged the masses to rise up in revolt, in order to take what he felt was rightfully theirs, Hood just took what Marx was after.

Ever since Marx’s time, socialist movements worldwide have concentrated on Robin Hood’s basic philosophy, that of stealing from the rich, so that the poor could have it. Regardless of whom they give the credit to, their philosophy remains the same, “they have it, we want it, let’s take it.”

Unfortunately, this great socialistic hero is depicted in folklore as a criminal. Granted, a hero criminal, but a criminal nevertheless. Had he accomplished what he did through revolution or politics, he would be seen as a progressive political genius, but his methods leave even the most hard-core socialists shaken. While they want to take what the rich have, they also want to do so under the cover of law. In other words, they want to create laws which permit them to steal, not just do the action.

Perhaps someday, Robin will receive his due praise for his visionary social programs. Maybe once the world becomes socialist, they will recognize the contributions made by this great hero. When everyone is equally poor, they will cry out for a new Robin Hood to rob from the rich whom they have eliminated, to give more to them.

Whatever are they Saving all that Daylight for?

2012-04-12T07:58:00.001-07:00

For almost a century now, our government has been mandating the savings of time, each and every year. For over 200 days per year, we have been saving one hour per day. That makes a total of almost 23,000 hours that we have in the national daylight bank. That’s more than 950 days of sunshine, over two-and-a-half full years.

One has to wonder about the purpose of saving all this daylight. Were our forefathers so interested in the potential of solar energy, that they were willing to sacrifice all that time for future generations? Did they see that there would come a day when the hustle and bustle of everyday life would mean that we didn’t have enough time for the things that really matter? Were they concerned that global warming would turn the sun dark, and wanted to be sure that future generations would have the opportunity to know what sunlight was like?

Regardless of their reason, which has long since been lost in the corridors of history, it’s clear that this was a long-term plan. Even today, we’re still stashing away daylight, against that future cataclysm, which will cause our great-great-great-great-grandchildren to have need of all that stored up sunlight.

I’ve never been able to figure out how they really save that daylight. The Daylight Savings bank must be a truly huge place, in order to be storing daylight for all those years. Why, it’s probably bigger than the Boeing plant in Everett, Washington. I imagine that scientists have come up with some sort of way to compress the daylight, so that it would take up less space. Otherwise, that building would have to be even bigger. After all, it’s storing the daylight of the entire country.

Compressed daylight would have to be even more potent than regular daylight. Forget about sunblock, even SPF 100 wouldn’t mean anything. You’d need a sun shield, something like one inch thick steel plate. Imagine the energy potential. If we could just find a way to harness that concentrated sunlight, we’d end any real or imagined energy crisis. Of course, our modern solar panels would probably just burn up under that concentrated sunlight.

Even with the potential advantages, I’m not sure that I agree with the idea of banking all that daylight. After all, we’re being told to make this sacrifice, without being given any reason why. We don’t even get an opportunity to opt out. Daylight savings time happens, whether we want it to or not. While there are three states which have chosen not to participate, that required the whole state getting up on their proverbial hind legs to say one collective “No!” I guess the rest of the states just don’t have the gumption to do that.

Well, it appears that we’re still going to be banking all that daylight, whether I want to or not. I just hope those future generations, who get to use our daylight, appreciate the sacrifice we’ve made for them. Otherwise, it’s just an exercise in futility.

In Search for the Ultimate Cell Phone

2012-04-10T08:37:00.000-07:00

I remember when cell phones came out. They were about the size of a hard cover novel and about as heavy too. To answer them, you’d have to unzip the case to get to the phone handset inside. You couldn’t just carry the handset around with you though, as it was connected to a black box, which held the rest of the guts of the phone.

From there, cell phones gradually got smaller. A favorite game, when businessmen gathered, was to show off their cell phones. One would take his out of his jacket pocket, in order to make a legitimate call. Seeing this, anyone who had a smaller phone would pull theirs out of their pocket, so that they could show off. Generally speaking, whoever had the smallest phone was king of the hill. That could get a bit sticky at times, especially when one had a smaller cell phone than their boss.

Cell phones continued to grow smaller and smaller, and flip-phones, patterned after the Star Trek communicator began to take over the marketplace. In Japan, the country of miniaturization, they started building them into watches, making even Dick Tracy jealous. Yet, the quest for the smallest cell phone continued.

It seemed that this would go on indefinitely, getting to the point where we’d have our cell phones implanted in our fingers, like Inspector Gadget. That is, until something shocking happened, the invention of the smart phone. Now it wasn’t about having the smallest phone any more, the contest switched to having the phone with the most whistles and bells. But, the evolution of the cell phone wasn’t over.

The next stage in cell phone evolution was the addition of the touch screen. Keyboards started giving way to on-screen keypads. Once again, the race was on; this time, not to make the phones smaller, but to make them bigger. Bigger screens were better, so the phone had to grow with it.

Who knows where this will lead us. However, I have recently seen what I think is the ultimate cell phone. This touch screen wonder measures 11” x 17”, the same size as a tabloid newspaper. Talk about touch screen, this baby’s got it! You can make those angry birds really fly!

Yes, the giant touch screen telephone is the next wave in cell phone technology. While it may be a bit awkward to hold up to the side of your head, you can really make your apps sing on it. Imaging playing games on a screen to rival that on your desk. Imaging having multiple touch points on that screen, so that you can compete with your friends and co-workers. Why, this could usher in a whole new generation of apps; we’ll have to call them super-apps!

The biggest drawback to the super-tablet cell phone is carrying the thing around. Not only has it gone back to the weight of the original, but it’s bigger than those original cell phones, to boot. Various accessories are under development to allow users to easily carry their super-tablet cell phone, such as specialized backpacks, chest packs, and a very promising strap arrangement, which allows both hands free to play on the touch screen, while walking.

Rumors are already circulating about design ideas to beat the super-tablet cell phone. One even includes a circular screen, like a lampshade, which you put your head inside, creating a virtual reality on your phone. This particular idea is receiving a lot of opposition, believing that it could become a safety hazard. It appears that the company may be in agreement, as they are working on creating a HUD (heads-up display) version of the same thing, which would allow pedestrians and drivers to see past the screen to the real world around them.

While we know that the Apple corporation is working on this problem as well, hoping to increase the leadership position that their iPhone has given them, they are being secretive, as usual. We’ll have to wait to hear about their next generation of super-phone, until Steve Jobs comes back from the dead.

Obituary - The Death of Book - 1492 - 2012

2012-04-09T09:11:00.000-07:00

It is with great sadness today that we announce the untimely demise of our old friend the book. While we mourn his passing, we are comforted by knowing that his words shall be carried on by his children, the Kindle, the Nook and the Sony Reader. Still, while this younger generation of word carriers has a much greater capacity than their father, they lack his warmth and comfort.

The centuries long love affair that mankind has had with books appears to be waning. While the love for knowledge is still there, modern man has decided that he needs his knowledge encapsulated, so that he can gulp it down from electronic media in a moment’s time.

While nobody is truly sure about book’s date of birth, he first appeared in a printed form in 1492. Before that, he was only transcribed by hand. Yet, the invention of a means of reproducing him rapidly has done wonders towards spreading knowledge around the world. Even so, his children aren’t all that excited about his accomplishments, citing their capacity for knowledge and how quickly they could download content. They appear to believe that their ability far outshines their old-fashioned father’s accomplishments.

While we look with sadness upon the demise of our friend the book, there is an excitement over what his children might accomplish. Already, e-stores are filling up with countless cheap knockoffs of poorly written content, which are intended to replace the fulfilling words which our books have brought us for so long. Wherever will this lead us?

We fear that the takeover by this new generation may bode ill for literacy everywhere. While books everywhere used to be counted in the hundreds of pages and hundreds of thousands of words, many of these new e-books are only 5,000 words, less than 20 pages. Is this a trend? Are we seeing the beginning of the end of reading?

Even more than this, these new e-books are becoming filled with images, audio files and even video. Where once the ability to read was a sign of education and refinement, that too may soon pass, along with the death of our good friend, the book.

Book’s three surviving family members, his children, aren’t saying much about the future, just looking smug about it. While there remains fierce competition between them, it looks as if they are all here to stay. Soon, we may see our libraries and bookstores empty out, to be replaced by a small kiosk, where one can download any titles that they want.

Oh, if only book could come back to us. We will miss him; his warmth, his comfort; the ability to cuddle up in front of a warm fire and enjoy his stories. Will his children ever fully meet this need?

All Alone in the Ivory Tower

2012-04-06T07:18:00.000-07:00

Throughout time immortal, the average man has made fun of those who have been sequestered in their ivory towers, far removed from the realities of life. While shaking their fist in rage at those isolated inhabitants of these high and lofty places, they speak in curses of the influence these elite have over the lives of those less fortunate.

Yet, these common men don’t understand the great price those elite have paid to have the right to hide themselves from the vagrancies of daily life. They’ve worked long and hard to reach such a lofty place in life, one in which they can impose their view on the world, instead of having the world impose itself upon them.

The ivory tower is something like a marshal’s baton to these intellects. It is their symbol of status, importance and loftiness. It is as if the climb up the stairs to their tower is raising them up, far above the humdrum life of mortal man.

Oh, to be one of those in the ivory towers of the world. Many look with longing, desiring the opportunity to be the one who attains to its heights; not realizing that they would be just as much a disaster as one of the elite, as those who are there. Yet, they never make it, lacking either the wit or wisdom, or more likely the perseverance to push on to those great heights of attainment. They, like many others are doomed to be one of the common people.

What those poor, directionless souls don’t realize is that there are an unlimited number of ivory towers available in the world. Yes, one only has to construct their own ivory tower, not try and take over one that already exists. The vast majority of the ivory towers don’t’ have anything to do with politics or government; no, they have to do with academia, invention and ideas. Those are the ones who have true influence in the world; not the hapless fools in politics.

Ah, but if the common man were to realize his own potential to attain his own ivory tower, where would those who currently inhabit those high and lofty places go? When the world looks like a forest of ivory towers, how could they still maintain their isolation and detachment? The ivory tower would no longer be a place of attainment and seclusion, but nothing more than a humble hovel, so like everyone else’s.

Perhaps it is better that the Joe Sixpack doesn’t realize his own potential. Perhaps it is better for him to wallow in his ignorance, shaking his fist and ranting at those who have built their tower of isolation. Perhaps he is happier that way; happier to complain, than to attain. Perhaps.

Note to the reader: This was inspired by my own office. When I was a manufacturing engineer, we used to complain about the design engineers, who were locked away in their ivory tower. Well, I now have my own. My house is of ivory colored brick, with a tower in the corner. My office is in the second floor of that tower. The irony of it makes me smile.

The Conspiracy of the Poopie Diapers

2012-04-05T06:48:00.000-07:00

It’s a well known fact that women go to the bathroom together so that they can hold their union meetings. That’s where they plot and plan against men, deciding what they’re going to do to get even. Of course, nobody ever defined what it is that they need to get even for, but women everywhere seem to understand that universal need.

One of the evilest schemes to ever come out of the women’s restroom is the conspiracy of the poopie diapers. Yes, this is one conspiracy theory that’s real. One which was hatched in the ladies room, somewhere between the main course and dessert.

The central theme of this plot is to force husbands everywhere to deal with the most dreaded of toxic substances… the poopie diaper. Men everywhere strive hard to avoid this task, but we’re regularly outfoxes by the wiliness of the female of our species. Their superior cunning and craftiness finds a way to back men into a corner, where they are forced with facing those diapers and what they contain.

Since men aren’t all that comfortable around babies in the first place, it gives women great pleasure to do what they can to increase this sense of discomfort. Their ultimate act, their big gun you might say, is leaving a man alone with a baby, who poops five minutes after she leaves the house. He’s then stuck with changing the diaper, or leaving the baby crying and wallowing in its poop for the next three hours.

The secret to this exercise in revenge is the timing of feeding the baby. Everyone knows that eating triggers a reflex action in the body to eliminate waste. This is the key to making this plot work. By feeding the baby just before leaving, the woman is assured that her husband will be stuck with that dirty diaper, five minutes after she’s out of sight. They probably drive away laughing, checking their watches and doing a countdown until the moment of poop.

Women who are truly skilled in the use of this strategy even plan ahead; feeding the baby foods for two or three meals ahead of time, which are specifically selected to cause diarrhea. That way, the affect of the diaper is even more magnified, along with the urgency of changing it.

Rumors have it that there are even secret formulas which women can buy, which increase the stench coming from the poop and making the task even more odious. Yes, secret web sites, carefully guarded and only accessible to women sell these additives; with the guarantee to turn even the most nose-dead man’s stomach.

“Why,” you might ask, “would women want to do such a thing to their husbands? A very good question. The base motivation is revenge. Have you ever been in the delivery room, when a woman was giving birth to her baby? When women are in the transitional phase of childbirth, they vow to get even with their husbands for getting them pregnant. Well, guess what? Here is the revenge. It’s subtle, but the greatest thing about it is that it’s a revenge that can be exacted over and over again.

So, how does a man get out of changing those poopie diapers? There really is no way. They must accept that women are the craftier gender, who can and will make sure that they face those dreaded poopie diapers.

Got a clothespin anyone?

A Return of the Gladiator Games

2012-04-04T07:17:00.000-07:00

The high incidence of violent crime occurring around the world has prompted some to look to history for a solution. A group of historians has noted how the Gladiator games of the Roman Empire were a way for both those who wish to practice violence and those who wish to watch it to have their wishes fulfilled in a legal and relatively safe way.

In reality, those gladiator games were no more violent than today’s action movies. The major differences being the lack of a plot and the removal of the television screen. Allowing the audience to see the action up close and in living color adds a sense of realism that Hollywood just can’t reproduce.

This somewhat drastic move is also seen as a way to eliminate the overcrowding in our prisons. Estimates have been made which state that prison overcrowding could be totally eliminated within one year of the legalization of these new gladiator games.

Finding volunteers for these games should be no problem, as many confined criminals are violent by nature. Prisoners could be given the opportunity of better accommodations, special privileges and even reduced jail sentences for participating in the games. While opponents state that this would put society at risk, backers of the plan counter that it would be no worse than letting these prisoners out early, on bail, a common practice to reduce crowding in our prisons.

The added advantage is that some of these prisoners wouldn’t ever get free, rather dying in the games. That would eliminate the dual problems of their return to society and of paying to house them incarcerated.

Additional volunteers could be solicited from gangs, criminals who have never been captured, drug cartels, terrorists, wife beaters and all others who feel a need to cause others pain and destroy their lives. It is estimated that there are enough lovers of violence in the world to provide participants for the games for a minimum of 50 years.

One should not overlook the potential entertainment value of these gladiator games either. While the Roman’s games were well attended, they didn’t have the advantages of television and the Internet. The advertising revenue alone would probably pay for our entire criminal justice system, freeing up the money we are now spending on it for reduction of the national debt. Truly, this plan provides the opportunity for a financial and cultural awakening in the U.S.

While there are those whose sensibilities might be offended by such stark violence, there are many others who revel in it. The same attitude is being displayed towards opponents, as exists for those who oppose football, the Olympics or any other sport; “if you don’t like it, ignore it.”

Before any active games can be started, there are a number of logistics and safety issues which must be resolved. There is a clear need for rules about what sorts of weapons will be allowed, along with safety measures to be created for protecting the audience. It is recognized that using criminals as contestants creates a safety risk, as the contestants are just as likely to turn their weapons on the spectators as each other. Yet, it is felt that these potential problems can be overcome.

The Highest Life Form

2012-04-03T07:17:00.000-07:00

Scientists have told us for centuries that man is the highest form of life on our planet. Our ability to think, make tools, write and even have opposing digits on our hands makes us the kings of our world, with all other life forms being subservient to us. We tame animals and show them off in zoos and circuses, just to show our mastery over nature.

Only, the scientists have overlooked one major little fact, that is, we humans have been domesticated by higher life forms for centuries. Yes, the domestic dog and the domestic cat are the true rulers of the world, not us puny humans.

Think about it, what does a house dog or cat have to do, but lay around all day, maybe play a little and have some human pet them when they want. Yes, these creatures who we call “pets” are the true masters of the world. They are so smart and wise that they’ve made us think that we domesticated them, while all the while they’re the ones who have domesticated us.

Is there any creature that feeds you, just because you’re there? Does anybody open your door to let you out, just because you so command? Is anyone else paying your doctor’s bills, or do you have to pay them yourself? For that matter, who’s your chauffeur? I’m sure that you chauffeur your dog your cat around as needed.

Let me mention here that there’s a centuries old conflict between these two races for mastery over the world. The dogs and cats have battled across the continents for the right to be the master race. At this point in time, they’re at somewhat of an armed truce, realizing that they need to have some semblance of peace to keep their domestic humans taking care of them. Nevertheless, the natural hatred that these two master races have for each other is evident, breaking out in chase scenes in every neighborhood.

The great differences between these two superior races shows in the way that they treat their human slaves. Cats, assured of their own superiority, always present themselves as aloof, making their humans chase after their affection. They use this in order to receive offerings of the choicest morsels, while they laze in the warmth of the sun.

Dogs, on the other hand, have taken a much different approach to handling their humans, being friendly and playful, so that their humans will do as they want. Why, they have some humans so well trained, that the human will throw a ball for hours, just so that the dog can play. How’s that for service? These crafty dogs even manage to convince their humans that they are loving towards the humans. No, they aren’t loving, they just want to be loved; getting close to a crying human is the most sure way they know to get a hug.

Dogs love to show off their humans. They’ll drag that person all around the park, on the end of a leash, just to show off their mastery of their biped servants to other dogs. Why, some even get their humans to pick up their droppings and carry them back home. Isn’t that service?

When will mankind wake up to this reality? What will it take for us to throw off these evil oppressors and become truly free? While we think that dogs and cats are our friends and pets, we are being used by them, as their servants. Some are even so brainwashed, that they’ve taken on the side of their masters, becoming “cat people” or “dog lovers” to the exclusion of the other race.

How sad to see this slavery. Where is the American Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Humans when we need their protection so much?

Gender Specific Dictionaries

2012-04-02T06:56:00.000-07:00

Rumor has it that Merriam-Webster has finally recognized that there is a difference between men and women. Yes, in a shocking announcement, which has enraged women’s lib organizations everywhere, Webster’s, the leader in defining words, has finally recognized the need to make gender specific dictionaries. This breakthrough announcement is being promoted as an attempt to bridge the communication gap between men and women.

A spokesperson for the group “Men and Women are all the Same” has called this new initiative every name in the book, including sexist, chauvinistic and even racist. In their press release, they’ve called for a government ban on Webster’s planned publication, decrying the effort as a means of demeaning women everywhere.

Yet, the dictionary giant has stood its ground, stating that they are only recognizing something that has existed since the first cave men… err, cave persons started using words. They give a number of examples of how men and women use the same words and phrases, but with much different meanings:

“Nothing” – When a man says that nothing is wrong, that means that nothing is wrong. However, when a woman says that, it means that something is wrong, at that something is big.
“Five minutes” – Any man can tell you that when his wife says she’ll be ready in five minutes, it doesn’t mean anything. Yet, when he says it, he’s thinking of a time period of 300 seconds.
“I have nothing to wear” – A woman can stand in front of a closet full of clothes and say this, meaning “I have nothing that I feel like wearing.” If a man says it, it means, “I have nothing clean.”
“I’m fat” – If a woman says this, it means that there’s one place she sees on her body that doesn’t look exactly like she thinks it should. When a man says it, it means that he probably has trouble fitting through the door.
“Romance” – A man understands romance as sex, while a woman understands it as the little things that he should do for her to express love. Women further break the word romance down into subcategories, such as: “romantic words,” “romantic gifts” and “romantic acts.” Whereas, most men give you a blank look when you mention those subcategories.

According to Webster’s, there are literally hundreds, if not thousands of these differences. Their hope is that the new gender specific dictionaries will foster communication and help people to understand each other better. While this is still experimental, they have high hopes for the future.

Several thousand e-mails have been received from women by the Merriam-Webster’s customer service center. They seem to be about equally divided between those who are saying that the only reason there is a communication problem at all is that men are Neanderthals, who have never learned how to communicate past the grunt stage and women who are applauding the initiative as a way to teach men how to talk. Of this later group, every one of them also asks the question, “Why are you bothering creating the one that explains men’s definitions?”

It appears that despite the opposition, Webster’s is going ahead with their development of these new dictionaries. High sales are projected for the female version being bought by disgruntled wives who plan on giving it as a gift to their husbands. However, the reverse doesn’t seem to be true. Yet, the publisher plans to still go forward with both versions, in an attempt to curb sexist protests.

Happy oneth of April

2012-04-01T07:05:00.003-07:00

Today's satire is on my other blog, "Romantic Act of the Day" check it out.

P.S. To all those who might be wondering why I'm not taking advantage of April Fool's Day, I just figured since all the amateurs are out in force today, I'd take the day off. :-D

Old Man Winter’s Vacation Retreat

2012-03-31T08:52:00.003-07:00

In case you hadn’t noticed, spring has sprung. We no longer need to concern ourselves with shoveling snow, putting chains on the car’s tires, or bundling ourselves up in 16 layers of clothes. Soon we’ll be out in the backyard, catchin’ some rays.

It’s time for Old Man Winter to go on vacation. I’ve always wondered, where does he go on vacation, anyway? Well, the secret’s out, Old Man Winter has a summer getaway spot, appropriately called “Winter Island.” Yes, this little island, off the Massachusetts seashore is the summer home of Ol’ Winter himself. He goes there to escape the heat and build up his strength for another season of cold winds, piles of snow and even a bit of sleet if he can manage it.

It never made sense to me why Winter’s summer retreat was such a big secret. At least, it didn’t make sense until it became public knowledge. Now, poor old winter can’t even get any peace and quiet in his summer retreat.

There’s a group of sun worshippers who have taken it upon themselves to make the old man stay on his island, even when summer and fall are over. They’re busy lobbying congress for the funds to build a giant dome over the island, in order to trap Winter on his island and keep him from wrecking his annual havoc on homes and highways everywhere. Although environmentalists are concerned about disrupting the balance of nature, this group is touting the opinions of several highly respected scientists in saying that locking up Winter is only a continuation of the natural progression of global warming.

Rumor has it that a splinter group recently invaded the old man’s retreat, armed with heat lamps and radiant heaters. It seems that they were bent on forcing Winter to submit to extensive “heat therapy,” believing this would warm his frozen heart. Nobody knows what happens to that hit team, but they haven’t been seen again.

It is possible that Winter’s charms overcame their hatred of cold, but leading experts on anti-terrorism state that Old Man Winter probably had some fairly sophisticated defense systems in place. If that’s the case, then those poor, misguided souls are probably a series of ice cubes now. We may not see them again, until Winter Island itself thaws out.

In the mean time, reports state that Winter himself is enjoying his retreat. He’s thinking of a quick trip to the Caribbean this summer, just to confuse weathermen everywhere. However, these reports are unconfirmed, so don’t take them too seriously.

There are also reports that Winter has been trying to arrange a summit with Hurricane herself. proposing that they work together for a change. Apparently, Hurricane isn’t all that interested, as she really doesn’t like the cold. We’ll keep you updated on any further developments in these proposed negotiations.