DailySusan Humor Blog

noreply@blogger.com (Susan) — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 01:36:00 +0000

QUOTES WE LIKE:
BUT WHAT'S FOUR?

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.

-- John Adams (1735-1826),

Second President of the United States

and Revolutionary War leader

noreply@blogger.com (Susan) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 21:03:00 +0000

THE CARDIOLOGIST'S DIET:
NO KIDDING

Thanksgiving is a-comin'. Is it your favorite holiday, too? My tastebuds start firing up in mid-July, just thinking about all those favorite foods at the beloved annual feast.

But . . . I'm not as slim and trim as I should be, to be taking in all those extra calories. I should diet, this next week.

Now, we've had the Atkins Diet. And Weight Watchers. And South Beach. And so many more.

None of them worked for me in the long run. Guess it's time to follow the Cardiologist's Diet:

IF IT TASTES GOOD, SPIT IT OUT.

noreply@blogger.com (Susan) — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 23:10:00 +0000

FROM THE 'WHAT A WOILD' DEPARTMENT:
BE CAREFUL WITH THOSE DEGREES!

Have you winced when you see all these tactless ads for a certain medical condition in men which is abbreviated as "E.D."? Think of the poor educators who've worked so hard to get a doctoral degree in education. Maybe they should put the small "d" in Ed.D. in a different color so that people will be sure to notice what it DOESN'T signify.

What's worse, our college-age daughter was standing behind me at my desk and started to snicker. I looked where she was looking: it was my Strong's concordance, a very useful Bible reference book that's well over 1,300 pages. She was laughing at the designation behind the very scholarly author's name:

James Strong, S.T.D.

It stands for "Sacrae Theologiae Doctor," a very high-falutin' academic degree.

Somehow, I think the "S" that he was trying to transmit has more to do with SPIRITUALITY than that other "S" word.

noreply@blogger.com (Susan) — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 01:28:00 +0000

WHOOPS! CORRECTION

Some readers got a bigger kick out of the mistake than the anecdote: in the last posting, that was Nancy SINATRA, not Nancy Fonda. Sorry about mixing celebrity metaphors but hope the flashback to white-lipstick days made you smile. These Boots Are Made For Walkin'. . . .

noreply@blogger.com (Susan) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 22:08:00 +0000

GIRLISH 'SPIN' ON FOOTBALL:
TAKE TWO

Not to be outdone by their little sister's description of football tackling as "mean hugging," our three older daughters developed these football concepts in their early (and often!) indoctrination in all things Husker:

1. Football players are "go-go's." This must date to the days when we would cheer on our team on TV, shouting, "Go! Go!" to a particular player making a long run, and our girls thought that was the name of the team. With visions of Nancy Fonda in tall, white boots, we always call them "go-go's" now and think it's a much more apt description than "football players."

2. Football players wear uniforms that snug under their knees, but one of our daughters misunderstood and thought they were stylin'. "Ooh!" she exclaimed. "They wear CAPRIS!"

noreply@blogger.com (Susan) — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 14:23:00 +0000

AND LET'S HOPE THEY DO
A LOT OF IT THIS SATURDAY

Our daughter Maddy has gone to a number of University of Nebraska football games this fall. She puts a 9-year-old girl's perspective on the game with her new definition of tackling:

MEAN HUGGING

noreply@blogger.com (Susan) — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 15:36:00 +0000

A DEEP-THINKNG FRIEND
WITH A DRY SENSE OF HUMOR

John is a childhood friend. Yes, he was always funny, in a deep way. He is in to diving now -- the kind you do in the ocean. So no wonder he came up with this . . . excuse the expression . . . pearl:

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if it weren't for the sponges that live there.

noreply@blogger.com (Susan) — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 16:29:00 +0000

BUMPER STICKER SUGGESTS
A MODICUM OF JOB SECURITY

Plumbers and morticians have the best job security in the country. But writers? Hmm. Not so much.

But here's a funny bumper sticker that gives me hope:

SOME PEOPLE HAVE A WAY WITH WORDS.
SOME NOT HAVE WAY.

noreply@blogger.com (Susan) — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 22:01:00 +0000

A NEW MARKET
FOR PORN?!?

I was sad to learn this week that corn ethanol is 30% LESS efficient than regular gasoline. On top of that, it is very expensive despite being subsidized to the tune of tens of billions of tax dollars in recent years. And, according to the University of Minnesota in a recent study, corn ethanol is actually WORSE for the environment than regular gasoline.

At my house, they used to call this situation "taking the gassssssss."

But there's hope for all those behemoth ethanol plants that we've subsidized and built all over the heartland. I heard a radio report the other day in which the speaker mumbled over the phrase "making ethanol out of corn" . . . and, weirdo that I am, I thought he said "making ethanol out of PORN."

Saaaaay! There's a solution! I realize most porn is online these days, but just imagine the happy smiles on the faces of all the decent people when mountains of dirty magazines are cooked up into fuel for our vehicles.

If my hot, red Mini Cooper ran on PORN ETHANOL fuel, then it would be REALLY sexy to drive!

noreply@blogger.com (Susan) — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 05:08:00 +0000

OOH! NOT SO DAILY LATELY, EH?
I'LL TRY TO GET BACK IN THE SWING
WITH A FUNNY STORY ABOUT AN 80-YEAR-OLD RASCAL

My mom turned 80 last week. She grows in humor as much as loveliness and wisdom. She is now stirring the pot as an octogenarian, and loves the role.

A few evenings ago, her phone rang. It was a 50-something neighbor, out walking his dog. He noticed that she had left her garage door up. As a matter of security, he advised her to close it. She thanked him and did.

Next afternoon, she came out of her condo to go to her mailbox. The same neighbor man was out walking the same dog, standing and chatting with another neighbor man in a car.

Mom got one of her ideas.

She waved and called out coquettishly: "Oh, Ed! Thanks for last night!"

The look on both men's faces was priceless . . . and Mom got a bigger kick out of it than any of her birthday presents.

noreply@blogger.com (Susan) — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 16:28:00 +0000

NEVER SEND A GUY
TO THE GROCERY STORE

Here's a hilarious video from a woman who did the unthinkable. She sent her husband to the grocery store with a crystal-clear list of things to purchase. And all hell broke loose. Can you relate?

I'm remembering the time my Beloved returned home from a rare shopping trip with a container of baking soda the size of a REFRIGERATOR BOX!!! I guess it was the size they use to clean swimming pools, not bake a few batches of chocolate chip cookies. Oy! I'm sure I said something witty and sarcastic, and he replied, supremely hurt, "But it was ON your list, and it was on SALE!!!"

I used that same baking soda for centuries to salve his self-esteem . . . but he never volunteered to shop for me again. Too dangerous!

See how this hubby responded in the same situation:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-YFRUSTiFUs&feature=related

noreply@blogger.com (Susan) — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 14:40:00 +0000

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU SAY
HUNH?!?!?!?

Our dry cleaner's sends out a handy-dandy e-coupon that often contains the wisdom of the ages. Here is this week's missive, with my elaborations:

-- A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

That's a lot of hearing "aids."

-- A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off.

I'd be too chicken to see it.

-- A company in Taiwan makes dinnerware out of wheat, so you can eat your plate.

Next they'll make hats.

A cow produces 200 times more gas a day than a person.

They don't know my Beloved.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

Wonder if the newly-minted ones start out with none?

A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.

Bet the boys still take forever to come to the dinner table.

A fully loaded supertanker travelling at normal speed takes a least twenty minutes to stop.

Driver's ed teachers should convey that concept to 15-year-old student drivers.

A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue.

Not touching that one with a 21-inch pole. :>)

noreply@blogger.com (Susan) — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 21:43:00 +0000

FOR THOSE WHO THINK
CREATIONISM
IS DOO-DOO

Everybody loves dinosaurs, but bet most of us have never thought about this aspect of their time on Earth:

According to the journal Paleontology, researchers in Argentina have discovered that if it wasn't for the South American scarab dung beetles, the whole South American continent would have been buried knee-deep in dinosaur manure.

Those gigantic creatures churned out a lot of you-know-what. But, the researchers found, those busy dung beetles collected it and buried it underground in caches the size of tennis balls to provide (eww!) food for their young.

If they hadn't, then disease-carrying flies would've gone wild, and the dung would have made plant growth nigh on impossible.

It's just another good example of the symbiosis, or mutually-beneficial relationships, with which God designed the world. Yeah, sure, some people say these are just lucky breaks -- happy coincidences -- millions of them. Just "random chance."

Oh, yeah? What a crock. :>)

noreply@blogger.com (Susan) — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 02:32:00 +0000

SO MUCH FOR VOLUNTEERING
IN THE GEEZER COMPLEX

Maddy went with us this evening to visit an elderly relative who is temporarily in what we used to call "an old folks' home," recovering from an injury.

A bright spot was trying out the soft-serve ice cream machine in the community room, and sitting outside and enjoying the lovely July evening. Better still, here came a nice teen-age boy who takes piano lessons right after Maddy. He was straightening chairs and helping out. Turns out he is a volunteer there, out of the goodness of his heart and because he has a desire to work with the elderly some day. Isn't that nice?

But Maddy would have none of that volunteering idea. "I heard a lady say real loud and cheerfully, 'LET'S PUT SOME CREAM ON YOUR BOTTOM!!!'" she exclaimed. "I'm not doing that!"

noreply@blogger.com (Susan) — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 23:48:00 +0000

A BIG, COLD, WET, ICKY SPIDER?

Maddy had this hot-weather joke today that really cooled me off:

Q. What do you call a scorpion at the North Pole?

A. LOST!

noreply@blogger.com (Susan) — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 15:36:00 +0000

CHOLESTEROL VS. CUPCAKE:
TIMING IS EVERYTHING . . . DARN IT

I love cupcakes. My idea of online porn is to visit www.sprinkles.com So it was with a happy grin that I read of the world's largest cupcake on display this past weekend at the Mall of America. It weighed 150 pounds, wtih 60 pounds of icing, and served 1,500 happy people. Prepared by www.cakes.com, it made the Guinness Book of World Records.

That's the good news. The BAD news is, we had our health screening last week, and my cholesterol is 'way up. I got the call minutes after reading about the big cupcake.

So no cupcakes for me. It's back on a serious diet and exercise plan. WAH!

Maybe by the time I get back into shape, they'll have the world's largest HoHo on display, and even if I can't eat it, I can ogle it.

noreply@blogger.com (Susan) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 11:30:00 +0000

CELEBRITY CRAYFISH
MEETS HIS MAKER
ALONG WITH MICHAEL, FARRAH, ED & NOW KARL

Sheesh. A lot of celebrities have died in recent days. Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, Karl Malden . . . and now we learn of the peaceful yet tragic demise of Bob the Crayfish.

He was the classroom superstar for some west Omaha kids this past year. They observed him, they cut worms for him, they wrote stories about him, they learned about habitats and the environment through him, and most of all, they brought hats for him to wear. LOTS OF HATS!!!

My teacher friend, who's more than a little creative and wacky, made this memorial video in tribute before she laid him to eternal rest:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMehTFPPWlE

noreply@blogger.com (Susan) — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 16:32:00 +0000

OUT OF THE MOUTHS
OF HUSBANDS . . .

I've been enjoying an email exchange with an old friend of my mother-in-law. She is a darn good writer and has made me laugh out loud several times.

She writes about a tact-free moment between a husband and a wife to which many of us can relate:

"I celebrated my 75th birthday several years ago. Friends and family showered me with appropriate hugs and high praise. Jim took it all in, and then inquired, "Sheila, aren't you the same age as your mother was when she died?"

noreply@blogger.com (Susan) — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 03:32:00 +0000

FEELING A BIT . . .
SLUGGISH?

Over the weekend, one of the soccer moms on the sidelines was telling me an interesting anecdote from her childhood. It seems her parents were close friends with a couple who were Christian missionaries down in the Amazon River area of South America. They would visit every other year or so, traveling by canoe into the jungle, to spend a few days with their friends.

They told amazing stories, such as the fact that the Americans ate whatever the natives ate, to fit in, and that included SLUGS.

Gulp. (Not literally.)

I was telling our daughter Eden about that, and she beamed. "Of course, the natives were only KIDDING," she razzed me. "They would only PRETEND to eat the slugs. Then they'd wait 'til the missionaries ate them, and then go, 'Ewwwwww!!!!! How could you EAT those?!?!'"

She could be right . . . and the worst part is that a true Christian missionary couldn't even SLUG a native for a trick like that.

noreply@blogger.com (Susan) — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 23:26:00 +0000

DAIRY DISNEYLAND
IS FANT-AG-STIC

There are a lot of controversies in agriculture today. But here's an agribusiness that's doing a great job using entertaining agritourism to bridge the urban-rural divide. This dairy farm is able to teach farming's fans and critics alike what a well-run 21st Century food production operation should be like. Moooooooove over, Hollywood:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JJRy82i8e5Q

noreply@blogger.com (Susan) — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 20:47:00 +0000

BUT MOM ALWAYS TOLD YOU
NOT
TO THROW STUFF IN THE TOILET!

I was going through some old news clippings and story ideas when I came across a Wall Street Journal travel article about a historic hotel in Italy. Since one of our daughters is leaving on a trip there in a few days, I looked it over to see if it might be worth recommending as a side trip.

Mama mia! A bit too swank for our taste. Here's the first paragraph:

"The Grand Hotel, a Vila Feltrinelli on Italy's Lake Garda, spares no detail to make hotel guests feel like they're living La Dolce Vita. Waiters uncork a bottle of Champagne with a ceremonial sword, an attendant stands by at the pool should anyone want an outdoor massage, and rose petals are sprinkled in the toilet."

Note the price: $1,700 -- and that's not per year or even per month. Per NIGHT! The lake on which the beautiful hotel stands was in the recent James Bond movie, Quantum of Solace. There are 82 staffers for 21 hotel rooms. Eek, eek, eek.

The only redeeming factor was that there is a hotel cat, Winston. Wonder if they sprinkle rose petals in his litter box?!?

noreply@blogger.com (Susan) — Tue, 05 May 2009 23:24:00 +0000

TYPHOON BUFFOON
OR KNOW-IT-ALL MOM?

I asked Eden, our college-aged daughter, if she would please open the boxes of the hurricane glass centerpieces I ordered for her eldest sister's upcoming wedding, and check the glass for cracks and crookedness while there's still time to exchange them.

On my way out the door on errands, I hurriedly told her that we got two sizes, so some boxes will have two, and some will have just one.

Now imagine the pages of the calendar flying off. I completely forgot about the assigned task.

Days later, we were lounging at the kitchen table, and out of the clear blue sky, she asked:

"Mom, how many hurricanes are there?"

Wish I had a photo of my face. I thought she meant great, big ocean storms. I thought she was asking me how many of them there have ever been, throughout the world, for as long as time, which, of course, I hadn't the slightest molecule of an idea how many.

Gee! My daughter thinks I'm THAT smart! That's a switch!

But nooooooo. She didn't mean storms. She meant that she hadn't yet scrutinized those hurricane-glass centerpieces downstairs and was wondering if the task was going to cut into her busy schedule of lounging, snacking and watching T . . . I mean, if she could fit it in around all her intensive studying for finals.

THAT's all.

Come to think of it, I didn't remember how many of the centerpieces we had, either, but at least I think my guess could come a lot closer.

noreply@blogger.com (Susan) — Mon, 04 May 2009 15:38:00 +0000

YOU KNOW IT'S MONDAY MORNING
WHEN YOU HEAR AN EXCUSE LIKE THIS

As the school year winds down to a close, the social and sports schedule of our 9-year-old heats up to a fever pitch.

Maddy had a busy weekend with soccer practice, tae kwon do, a birthday party, horseback riding with her fun new babysitter, church, a little neighborhood clean-up participation . . . so she was sleepy at breakfast this morning.

I leaned across the kitchen island, trying to establish eye contact in order to list her scheduled activities after school today: tae kwon do, shagging balls at the high school soccer game, piano practice. . . .

Rubbing her eyes, she interrupted me:

"Slow down, Mom! My FRECKLES aren't even awake yet."

noreply@blogger.com (Susan) — Fri, 01 May 2009 17:10:00 +0000

FUN WITH FOGIES:
KEEP 'EM JUMPING WITH A JOKE ABOUT FALLING

I have a very dear elderly buddy who moved recently to a senior citizen center up in North Dakota to be near his family. He can see a lot of northern wildlife cavorting out his window, and he really likes living there.

He reported that he has started a physical therapy class designed to teach balance in order to keep from falling, a major threat to older folks.

In the first session, each "student" told about their own experiences with falling.

The oldest guy went last. At 93, he muttered devilishly:

"They must have had us folks in mind when they named this town 'Fergus FALLS.'"

It brought down the house . . . so to speak.

noreply@blogger.com (Susan) — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 01:51:00 +0000

INTRO TO TAE KWON DO,
OR AS MY BELOVED CALLS IT,
TAE KON DWO

Today I broke a board with my bare hand! It felt awesome. I couldn't believe a pudgy-handed wuss like me could do it.

Our daughter's tae kwon do instructor graciously agreed to come to the inner-city grade school that I volunteer to help on Wednesday afternoons through my new charity, www.AfterSchoolTreats.com He gave a one-hour demonstration and beginning lesson that had the kids beaming, listening spellbound, and thoroughly enjoying themselves.

At the end, he called me up to be the guinea pig for a board-breaking demonstration. I thought I was just going to hold it for him. But noooo -- he coached me with about three tips, and then WHAM! I did it, with the heel of my hand.

Fun! Now I want to learn more about the martial arts -- and think getting good at it might help me with the MARITAL arts, too. Speak softly and carry a big . . . heel of your hand?!?