DailySusan Humor Blog

GOLFER GUY TRIP SCAM . . . AND IT WORKED!

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Sun, 18 Sep 2016 23:54:00 +0000

Heard about four clever fellows who told their wives they were going on a 4-day, bucket-list type golf trip to play Pebble Beach. That's the storied and very expensive golf course south of San Francisco.

Well, these canny laddies each brought four golf outfits for the trip. But they didn't play four of those very expensive rounds. Ah, no.

With a few wisely-placed tips to their caddy, they played Pebble Beach, all right -- but made a beeline to the restroom after playing three separate holes. Why? To change into another golf outfit!

They had the caddy take their picture four separate times in that one round, with four different golf backgrounds on the highly recognizable course, and each time they were all wearing different golf outfits.

THEN they boarded a plane for Las Vegas . . . and spent the next three days gambling and carousing, even though those were not specifically wife-approved activities. Not sure if they wound up spending more, or less, money than the planned-upon four rounds at Pebble.

But when they got home, they each had four different golf pix to show their better halves. Yes, they got away with it. Bogey for honesty . . . birdie for ingenuity.

BLACK WALNUT PAIN: AW, NUTS!

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Thu, 08 Sep 2016 14:16:00 +0000

My neighbor encourages me to harvest the dropped black walnut shells from around her tree. I take about half, and leave the other half for our fuzzy little squirrel friends.

Have to give two thumbs down for how much it hurts to hand-shell the thick and gooshy outer shell away so that the hard-as-nails inner shell can dry out. Did it in the sink, using mostly my thumbs, and now they are ouchie-oochie. The inner shells are on racks in the basement for two weeks:

Then, when a good football game is on TV, I will crack each one with a hammer, trying my best to avoid the aforementioned thumbs. Then I will snip off remaining hard shell parts with wire cutters. That's how you extract the most lovely black walnut nutmeats. Time-consuming? Certainly. Worth it? Oh, yes.

Black walnuts thus harvested will keep in the freezer for two years. But they will probably last only 'til December. Then it will be time to make my favorite Christmas cookies: black walnuts in the sugar-cookie dough, rolled in powdered sugar, and baked to warm perfection. Mmmmmm! By then, my thumbs will have recovered, too -- I hope.

PEAR SNOW: A TREAT TO HELP YOU PARE DOWN

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Thu, 08 Sep 2016 01:09:00 +0000

My neighbor's pear trees had a bumper crop this year. She brought over not one, not two, but FOUR sacks of luscious pears.

It reminded me of this good, light, diet-friendly dessert recipe. Bet I will be making a quadruple batch soon:

Pear Snow

• 5 small pears, peeled and sliced

• 3/4 cup white grape juice or apple juice

• 1/3 cup sugar (use a sugar substitute such as Splenda if you wish)

• 4 tsps. lemon juice

Combine all ingredients in a saucepan. Bring to a boil.

Reduce heat and simmer for 8-10 minutes. Cool slightly.

Pour mixture into a blender. Blend for 1-2 minutes, 'til smooth.

Pour into a pie plate. Cover with a lid or foil. Freeze for about 4 hours or until firm.

Return to the blender for about 30 seconds. Place in individual serving dishes such as glass custard cups. Re-freeze for at least a few more minutes.

Garnish with mint leaves and a maraschino cherry.

Tongue Twisters: Can You Meat Be? I Mean . . . Beat Me?

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Tue, 06 Sep 2016 23:00:00 +0000

Try these out. Say them three times in a row. Aloud. Fast. Can you do it? I’m 0-for-3:

Peggy Babcock

Soldiers’ shoulders

Lemon liniment

Of Weirdbeards and Beer

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Mon, 22 Aug 2016 22:10:00 +0000

Now I've heard everything: a friend's husband has been ordered to wear a BEARD NET while doing his microbrewery thing, or else. You know, as a hairnet is to a lunch lady in the school cafeteria, a beard net is to a gentleman who brews beer commercially.

The friend is delighted. She hates the beard. She hasn't seen his face for a while, so this is going to be great.

EXCEPT their customers are upset. They say they aren't sure they WANT to drink a microbrew made by a man who DOESN'T have a beard.

I tend to agree.

IRONICALLY FUNNY

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Fri, 19 Aug 2016 15:47:00 +0000

Don't know who originated these, or who would admit to it:

The economy is so bad that, I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street."

Finally, I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Live, Laugh, Love . . . But What "L"se?

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Wed, 17 Aug 2016 23:06:00 +0000

Our teenager and I were in hysterics this afternoon in traffic, following an SUV with a schmaltzy slogan on a cling on the back window. You've seen it:

We thought we could make a lot of money by creating new clings to go along with that one. Each word would start with "L," like the original. They would be in the same flowery typeface, so that people might expect some more sweet thoughts, and would never expect anything else. But these new "L" words might be a bit . . . edgy:

LUST

LEAK

LOP

. . . or:

LOSE

LOLL

LICK

. . . or:

LURE

LOAD

LAG

. . . or maybe not. We can see the copyright invasion problem right now. Another "L" word: LAWSUIT!

Not Iron Man -- Beef Jerky Man

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Fri, 12 Aug 2016 15:36:00 +0000

Our teenage daughter is volunteering at a national triathlon in our city this weekend. Yesterday, she spent hours in the welcome tent. She was distributing T-shirts and goodie bags to participants from all over the world.

One triathlete was 75 years old. She said he was "ripped" though very thin, and was very, very tan. While she admired his tenacity for keeping in such great shape at such an advanced age, she said:

"He looked like a piece of beef jerky."

Win a Golf Tournament, Get a Jacket

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Thu, 21 Jul 2016 04:38:00 +0000

Mr. Wonderful's recent men's golf stag was a funhouse take on much more famous golf tournaments. For example, you've probably heard of The Masters in Augusta, Ga., one of the worldwide majors. The climax is when the previous year's champion helps the new winner put on a beautiful, classy, green sport jacket.

Well, at this local tournament, the winner of each flight got to come forward and put on a jacket, all right -- but they were all about $3 jobbies from the local thrift shop. My husband's was actually a women's collarless jacket in a jaunty black, white and gray buffalo plaid. He didn't look THIS bad in it, but pretty close:

When Golfers Get Too Frisky: FORE!

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Wed, 20 Jul 2016 03:42:00 +0000

Hubby was in a men's stag golf tournament over the weekend that featured one crazy golfer in a Scottish outfit, complete with kilt.

Apparently, he bragged of "going commando" in the underwear department, though mercifully, he didn't try to prove it.

However, it was unwise of the organizers to place the beer coolers in a prominent part of the ballroom for the party afterwards. The kilt wearer manfully strode up to the cooler to get a beer, bent over . . .

. . . and removed alllllllll doubt.

It gave new meaning to the term "highland fling."

Wacky Photo Apps for Kids

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Tue, 19 Jul 2016 03:54:00 +0000

A Not-So-Wacky OIympic Torch

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Sun, 17 Jul 2016 20:39:00 +0000

Perfect Dish Towel for a Divorcee or Widow

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Sat, 16 Jul 2016 22:29:00 +0000

Future Flirting Pro

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Sat, 16 Jul 2016 02:47:00 +0000

Grandma, Mom and Dad, and Brian, age 9, were at a restaurant. The waitress was a gorgeous blonde young woman.

When Brian ordered, he asked all kinds of questions about the fish tacos on the menu. She answered kindly. When the food came, he asked for extra salsa, which she brought, and later a go-box, which she provided.

When she came with the bill, Brian brought down the house. He looked at her and said:

"CALL ME!!!"

What We Need to Ban to Stay Safe

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Fri, 15 Jul 2016 02:16:00 +0000

The horrible terrorism incident on Bastille Day in Nice, France, has created a worldwide push to ban ASSAULT TRUCKS.

That reminds me -- since the murder "weapon" in the case of Steven Roy Harper in Omaha many years ago was actually a pitcher of lemonade in which he placed poison, I feel we also need to ban ASSAULT LEMONADE.

Then one of the murderers on Death Row in Nebraska drowned a little boy in the bathtub. Naturally, this calls for a worldwide ban on ASSAULT BATHTUBS.

Sheesh. The only BAN I want to hear about is the added DEODORANT under the arms of ISIS terrorists when they hear American bombers overhead. :>)

Arm & Hammer, or Maybe Arm & Pudding

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Thu, 14 Jul 2016 02:44:00 +0000

Have been doing a lot of gardening and yard work. My new hobby is feeling my arm muscles with pride and satisfaction.

However, maternal buffness is in the eye of the beholder. One time, years ago, I offered my bicep to Maddy, age 10. "Go ahead. Squeeze!" I expected a proclamation that I was muscle-bound.

Instead, she said, "That feels like pudding in a Target sack."

Back to the drawing board, or perhaps the weight room.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BEANS OF ISIS?

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Thu, 12 Mar 2015 14:19:00 +0000

Oh, those TV closed caption transcribers. They are weirdoes.

Today I saw a man being interviewed on national TV. The caption strip quoted him as warning us of "the rice of ISIS."

So next are they going to throw rice at us, like we're the bride and groom?!?

WHAT COLOR IS YOUR LOVE LIFE?

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Fri, 06 Mar 2015 18:28:00 +0000

Some friends went to a party with several other families. Many of them have young-adult kids who grew up together and stayed friends.

Because it had been a while since everyone had gotten together, the hosts arranged to have different colored armbands out on the welcome table, as an ice-breaker.

If you were in a red-hot relationship, you would wear a red armband.

If you were kind of, sort of, on the lookout for someone to date, you would wear purple.

If you were enjoying many friendships, you would wear yellow.

If you had been married for a long, long time, you would wear black.

My friend's son, a college senior, told his mom that if there would have been brown armbands, that's the color he would have chosen.

She asked why.

"Because my love life is in the crapper!" he retorted.

(He is a hunk, and very sweet, but he says he always "gets stuck" in the friendship phase of relationships, and he would like to move into that red armband brigade! So hey, girls -- go get 'im!)

LIVE LONG, AND PROSPER

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Sun, 01 Mar 2015 04:08:00 +0000

Who's sad about Leonard Nimoy passing away? I am. I adored him.

Learned this fun fact about the unique hand signal that came to be known as the Vulcan greeting on "Star Trek." Turns out Nimoy, who was Jewish, saw some rabbis use that signal as they blessed the congregation. The wording sounds just like the end-of-worship blessing you can hear in countless Protestant churches. No doubt the Protestants copied the Jews in that lovely tribute.

Here's a glance at Mr. Nimoy's neat personality:

http://tabletmag.com/scroll/189323/leonard-nimoy-on-spock-yiddish-theater-and-the-vulcan-symbols-jewish-inspiration

Shalom, and RIP, good man.

HAS ME CHANNELING MY INNER SHARI LEWIS

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Sat, 28 Feb 2015 05:02:00 +0000

DANGEROUS CONTENTS

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Thu, 26 Feb 2015 21:43:00 +0000

Took a box with the CD's of the first two seasons of the hit TV series, "Downton Abbey," to the post office. A dear friend and neighbor has moved to Montana and is getting a tiny bit stir crazy in the long winter months.

This engaging show about the British aristocracy should hit the spot. In fact, it is so good that the resident teenager and I have binge-watched it, several hours at a time, on several occasions. It's addictive!

So when the post office clerk asked if the box contained anything fragile, liquid, perishable, etc., I had to answer "yes" to the last one:

Is there anything "hazardous" inside?

Yes! If you get hooked on "Downton Abbey," it can be "hazardous" to your dusting, cooking, laundry, vacuuming, dog-walking, shoveling, grocery-shopping . . . you get the idea.

And do any of us fans care?

As the Brits say: not a bit of it!

SWINE DINING: BET THEY WERE BACON A CAKE THERE, TOO

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Thu, 26 Feb 2015 00:42:00 +0000

The huzzbun felt very safe at lunch today. He and his little friends went to a hole-in-the-wall reputed to have fantastic pork barbecue. It did not disappoint. Neither did the name of the joint: "Swine Dining."

What made it even better was that, after they got seated, in burst about 20 law enforcement officers, in black from head to toe, with their firearms and holsters in plain sight.

At first, my Beloved thought maybe there had been a heist and they were there to investigate. But no. There's a firing range not far from there, and apparently they were dropping in for lunch after target practice.

Shortly thereafter, here came a bunch of Air Force guys, in uniform, from the nearby base.

The two groups practically filled up the small restaurant. And as the "civilians" finished their lunch, they speculated that, if some bad guys really did come in at that moment and stick up the place . . . they would be shot 450 times by the well-armed customers. Hence, a feeling of peace and safety in which to eat barbecue.

Our daughter put the cherry on top. "You said the place was called 'Swine Dining,' Dad?" she asked. "And these were . . . cops?!?"

MAKE THEM LOOK AT A PHOTO OF YOUR WHAT?!?

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Wed, 18 Feb 2015 01:53:00 +0000

A Jewish friend of mine wrote this funny post on Facebook:

An open plea to the Kardashian-Jenner clan. Enough is enough. I do not need another picture of Kim's FAT Tush. I don't care who the other sisters are having babies with. If Bruce wants to transgender, bless his/her heart, but I have no interest. If the little Jenner wants to model topless, fine, but I don't need to see it. If the Kardashian-Jenner family does not cease and desist immediately I will be forced to start sending them photos of my life starting with my "bris" (circumcision for the non-Jewish readers).

WHOA! But it could work.

PERFECT VIDEO FOR VALENTINE'S DAY

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Sat, 14 Feb 2015 23:18:00 +0000

http://safeshare.tv/w/sLtCVDmZnm

THE SENIOR BREAKFAST FLAKE

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Fri, 13 Feb 2015 16:21:00 +0000

My mom's Lut'eran church was having a food drive to help the local pantries and homeless shelters. They wanted people to bring in cereal to donate.

To make it fun, they devised a competition. They divided the congregation alphabetically into two teams. Last names that started with A-L were called "The Flakes." Last names with M-Z were "The Puffs."

On the designated Sunday, you were supposed to bring in your cereal boxes in sacks, to be weighed. Then the team with the most pounds would be the winners.

Well, my mom came in with two big sacks with the tops of cereal boxes peeking out. She declared that, since she had been a flake all her life, she was joining the Puffs team that day. That got a laugh.

THEN in front of everybody the moderator picked up her sacks of cereal boxes -- but could barely lift them!

She had tucked several BRICKS into the bottom of the sack!!!

If only they had confession and penance in the Lut'eran church!