DailySusan Humor Blog

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 00:10:00 +0000

KIDS RESIST GOING GREEN
WHEN IT'S VEGETABLES

A friend's 5-year-old son cracks me up. He told his mom that he HATED green beans, but ate them because he wanted her to be impressed.

Reminds me of Maddy at about that age. We tried to introduce her to artichokes. We oohed and ahhed as our teeth stripped the goodness off each artichoke leaf, exaggerating the delicious taste.

She sat there the whole time with a black unibrow, scowling at us ever more, the harder we tried to entice her into trying just one little bite.

Finally, she muttered, "That is NOT happening!"

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 14:33:00 +0000

FLIPPING HIM THE (BIRD) STARE
DOESN'T BRING IT BACK

What? You ate the last Girl Scout cookie?!?

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 22:30:00 +0000

KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS,
PART II

Yesterday's volunteer trip into the wilds of a day-care center by middle-schoolers acting as reading mentors had many moments of comedy. Here's another one:

Maddy, age 11, was reading the profound classic, "Mr. Brown Can Moo," to five 3- and 4-year-olds. Halfway through, one of them interrupted her.

"What's your name?" he inquired.

"Maddy. What's yours?"

"I don't know. But he's Mason!" he replied, pointing to the boy next to him.

They are royalty in the Kingdom of Random.

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 04:54:00 +0000

KIDS ASK
THE DARNDEST QUESTIONS

Our middle school service learning club went into a day-care center this afternoon to read Dr. Seuss to the itty bitties. The "Book Buddies" had a great time. They were practically levitating with joy on the way home for how good it felt to give a little of their time to others, though the hour was loud, boisterous and wild, the room smelled faintly of diapers and the carpet underneath them was . . . damp. Ewww!

One sixth-grade girl reported this strange encounter with a 4-year-old, who asked her:

"What's your name?"

"Cassie."

"WHY?"

She was dumbfounded. He must've been in that phase little kids all go through, in which they incessantly ask "why?"

All she could do was laugh . . . and of course, THEN he asked her why she was LAUGHING . . . and she just said it was because the book she was reading them was funny . . . and THEN he asked her WHY. . . .

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 01:36:00 +0000

T.G.I.F.!
THAT'S MADDY, AT RIGHT, WITH
HER GOOD FRIEND. NEVER A DULL TWEENER MOMENT!

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 16:13:00 +0000

THE BRITS ARE BLOODY FUNNY;
WANT ADS DON'T WANT FOR HUMOR

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.

Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.

Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .

Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 03:11:00 +0000

THOSE MUG MAKERS NEED TO K.I.S.S.:
KEEP IT SIMPLE, SILLY

A buddy of mine got a new coffee mug from somewhere. He finally realized the irony of the printing on this mug.

It reads:

SIMPLIFY, SIMPLIFY

For some amount of time, he has been drinking his coffee out of that mug, and it never dawned on him 'til yesterday that the mug itself is hypocritical.

If you were REALLY trying to exhort people to simplify, you would only have that word on there ONCE. So what was their point by having it twice -- that when you TRY to simplify your life, you invariably end up COMPLICATING it more?

It's enough to mess with your mind. Gimme that mug. I NEED A DRINK!

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 14:57:00 +0000

MICRO-MINI KANGAROO:
AND YOU THOUGHT KIDS WERE HYPER

Here's a couple of jerboas -- cute little desert rodents. They're moving around faster than my eye can watch. Reminds me of kids getting ready for school in the morning:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7uw5HLMuP0&feature=youtube_gdata_player

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 19:35:00 +0000

CATTY-CAKE, CATTY-CAKE,
MEOW-VELOUS REPARTEE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X3iFhLdWjqc&feature=youtube_gdata_player

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 00:58:00 +0000

HONK IF YOU THINK
THEIR GOOSE IS COOKED

Ah, the weird sights you see out in the community on a sunny day. Guess this driver needed to de-liver a lot of de-coys. Either that, or all these geese went out on the town and were now so stiff and hung over, they piled into the back to sleep it off:

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 20:39:00 +0000

TGIF: BABY ELEPHANT BATH
WITH A MATCHING SONG

This adorable video:

cries out to be watched while listening to this adorable Henry Mancini song, “Baby Elephant Walk”:

http://www.last.fm/music/Henry+Mancini/_/Baby+Elephant+Walk
(note: hit the 30-second preview)

I don't know how to merge them, but sure enjoy them even separately.

Must keep this from Maddy or sure as shootin', she'll start clamoring for a pet baby elephant. We've got enough pooper-scooping around these parts as it is, with two dogs, a cat and a guinea pig.

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 21:59:00 +0000

WHOLE LOT OF GOOD EATS
BUT PUTS A 'WHOLE' IN YOUR WALLET

A very dear friend hosted me for lunch at her house today, and served gorgeous, yummy selections from the Whole Foods market near her home. She loves it and goes there darned near every day.

The salad had super-duper lettuce, kale, pumpkin seeds, and all kinds of organic delights, and there were cold, fat shrimp that I'm sure were raised ethically, multiculturally and cage-free.

The only down side is that, yep, all this excellent, delicious and nutritious stuff costs money.

That's why her husband calls it "Whole Paychecks."

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 17:38:00 +0000

A PROFOUND CASE
OF 'LABRADORICAL DEPRESSION'

Yesterday's weather was beautiful. Aha! A chance to finally, finally plant those fat, quality spring bulbs that I ordered last October. Our daughter had planted some in her fiance's yard, and my favorite preschool planted more, but I still had probably $30 or $40 worth in the garage that I never got around to getting under a soil blanket last fall.

Garden Procrastination Queen that I am, I've done this before, and knew they'd come up if I could get them in the ground before a hard freeze. And one was a'comin'.

So out I went to the garden, with bulbs, bone meal and some quality compost:

Just a couple of hours later, I ventured outside again . . . and found that a mini-mountain of fresh dirt and scattered bulbs were all over the driveway!

That renegade 1-year-old Labrador retriever, Maisy "Mayhem" Williams!!!

I ranted and raved . . . but this is not the first time she has done this. Ah should've knowed better.

Oh, well. Always wanted to try "forcing" bulbs. Now's my chance!

And who could stay mad at this face for long:

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 16:29:00 +0000

GOOD THING
DOGS ARE BONEHEADS

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9UQSUHHdtA&feature=youtube_gdata_player

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 15:24:00 +0000

MYSTERIOUS TV SCREEN
PROMPTS CHEESY RETORT

We got a snazzy new TV and accessories for Christmas. My Beloved and daughter worked with the delivery people to set it all up. Because I am Madame Untechie, I had never so much as turned it on over the holidays. Guess what? Today's TV's are more complicated than a nuclear power station's operational protocol. Finally, yesterday, I tried to turn it on, with our daughter's help.

The opening screen looked something like this:

"Hmm. That looks like the inside of a piano," I ventured.

"What did you THINK it was, a HAMBURGER?" our 11-year-old retorted.

Yes, eventually, I stopped laughing and got the thing turned on. That kid's cheekiness is . . . a whopper.

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 18:33:00 +0000

GOOD THING THEY DIDN'T CONFISCATE
HIS BREADSTICK NUN-CHUCKS, TOO

A 10-year-old boy got in big trouble at school for nibbling his piece of pizza at lunchtime into the shape of a gun, and then pointing it at his classmates:

http://www.infowars.com/boy-disciplined-for-waving-pizza-gun/

My Beloved, on the way out the door to go shoot sporting clays, was philosophical about this latest nonsensical use of "zero tolerance" policies in schools.

He asked, "What ammo was he using? Hamburger, or pepperoni?"

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 01:31:00 +0000

OHHH! SO YOU MEAN
BLIND HAWAIIAN LION PEOPLE!?!

It was nearly dinnertime. Chicken balsamic was sizzling on the grill skillet, and a pot of bowtie pasta was noisily gurgling on the next burner. Maddy called in from the living room with one of those astounding factoids that sixth-graders often toss their parents' way.

"Mom! Did you know Hawaiian people can see their dreams?"

I couldn't quite hear her. "What? Hawaiians? Can't everybody see their dreams?"

"No! Lion people! Lion people can see their dreams!"

Lion people? Like, from some obscure tribe in Africa? "Hunhhh?"

In disgust, she stomped halfway toward me. "B-l-i-n-d people, Mom! BLIND people can see their dreams! They can't see otherwise, but when they dream, they can visualize it."

Ohhhh! She was soooo frustrated . . . but I gave that one reply from the Moms Club that works every time: "That's nice, Dear."

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 05:13:00 +0000

NO FRILLS AIRLINE BIT:
RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU MISS
CAROL BURNETT, HARVEY KORMAN AND TIM CONWAY

It's coming to this, and they knew, decades ago:

http://www.youtube.com/v/QCz8he36hsk%26hl%3den%22

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 04:46:00 +0000

QUITCHER BEEFIN'
'BOUT FOOD PRICES

Rancher friend of a friend reminisced about the days in 1973 when President Nixon put a freeze on beef prices because a corn shortage had led to a beef shortage, and prices were going sky-high.

The market price for an Angus calf at the time of the freeze: 18 cents per pound. That's not a very high sky, compared to today's prices.

Today's market price: $2.06 per pound, which, for a 629-pound heifer calf, comes to $1,295.74.

Zowie! Tend to think that the beef prices we're seeing now aren't ANYTHING like what they're going to be. Yikes! Put things in perspective, all right.

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 03:08:00 +0000

WHAT'S A HOKIE?
WELL . . . IT'S HOKIE

Have been enjoying the Virginia Tech Hokies playing the Michigan Wolverines in the Sugar Bowl tonight. Got to wondering: what is a "Hokie," anyway?

It's a bird, but not a real bird. The word "hokie" was made up by a college student over 110 years ago, when the school changed names from its previous "Virginia Polytechnic Institute," or VPI -- and officials sponsored a cheer contest to build up some school spirit.

But yumpin' yiminy -- the state legislature had named the school the "Virginia Agricultural and Mechanical College and Polytechnic Institute." Imagine cheering for THAT! You'd faint before you could get all the words out.

But a college student named Stull won the $5 top prize for his cheer:

Hoki, Hoki, Hoki, Hy.

Techs, Techs, V.P.I.

Sola-Rex, Sola-Rah.

Polytechs - Vir-gin-ia.

Rae, Ri, V.P.I.

(Later, the phrase "Team! Team! Team!" was added at the end, and an "e" was added to "Hoki," according to the Virginia Tech website.)

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 02:36:00 +0000

SELECT ONE, EITHER/OR:
1. CUTE BABY SLOTHS GETTING A BATH
2. NEBRASKA FOOTBALL TEAM'S BOWL GAME EFFECTIVENESS

http://www.bing.com/videos/watch/video/bath-time-for-baby-sloths/peqanu5?from=sharepermalink-facebook&cpkey=0e280872-16c5-46dd-b144-86df32a17848%7c%7c%7c%7c

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 23:32:00 +0000

A NEW YEAR'S MESSAGE
TO START OFF 2012 WITH A SMILE

Happy New Year, mate! Fix yourself a spot o' tea and enjoy this delight:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x91rBzNKvlc&NR=1

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 23:21:00 +0000

A BOOMIN' GOOD TIME
TO RING IN THE NEW YEAR

"How real men shoot skeet." I like it!

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 06:13:00 +0000

IN IOWA, THE BODY POLITIC
HAS TAKEN A BEATING

Considering the staffers who've quit the Bachmann campaign in the 11th hour, the roller-coaster polls, and the nasty ads by several of the candidates, our daughter's mispronunciation of the upcoming Presidential primary in Nebraska's neighboring state is probably closer to the truth:

She calls them "the Iowa Carcasses."

noreply@blogger.com (Susan Darst Williams) — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 05:00:00 +0000

CANDIDATE FOR THE
ODDEST CHRISTMAS GIFT?

Our family has a Yankee Swap after Christmas dinner. It features cutthroat competition for some nice, but mostly weird and strange, white elephant gifts. This year's items included a little tweener girl's pink diary that a distinguished 50-something relative could not for the life of him get anybody to swap with him for, a champagne-chocolate-mistletoe combo, and also this objet d'art:

Yes, the snow globe is pictured sideways . . .

to make it easier to see our studly coach with his feline companion.

Who knew that Nebraska football coach Bo Pelini was a cat lover? And that his engaging photo would look so lovely in a dimestore snow globe?

Everyone schemed and swapped valiantly for the obviously Photoshopped prize. Eventually it went to the youngest among us, Husker fan Maddy, age 11.