Theoretical Dalleism

Happy Tuesday Single Ladies!

2012-02-14T09:00:00.000-08:00

Let's paint a picture:

Valentines 2000-2009: Some or another stereotypical scene of romantic bliss. Most of it is a blur aside from a candle-lit apartment picnic with Chinese take-out and the warmth of knowing that this day was truly about me because I was in love and no matter where I was and what I was doing I was deeply and spiritually bound to another and their loving presence was always felt like the rays of sun cutting through the blistering winds of a late winter's day. Whatever.

Valentines 2010: Dumped 2 days prior I spent the weekend in a tear soaked hovel on my mother's bed heartbroken, confused, and alone because I shuddered to ruin my friends' romantic plans by confessing that this union- the one which they held as the singular shinning example of true love actualized and that in which their bound up faith resided, fueling their search for a love of their own- was actually complete b.s. It was then that an intriguing exploration on the science behind love and attraction aired on CBS Sunday Morning. Did you know that the average committed relationship ends after around 4yrs which is also the age at which most children are able to walk, feed themselves and, therefore, survive under the care and protection of a single parent? Oh well.

Valentines 2011: Thought I was betrothed to valentine a guy I'd been dating casually since a few months following my separation. He'd mentioned it in January; but, in retrospect he likely felt obligated because i brought it up, like, at New Year's (desperate much). Well wouldn't you know it? I didn't hear from him during the week or so leading up to the most romantic day of the year and had to gradually realize that it wasn't happening. So, I partied with my girl and looked sickening in a purple mini-dress with a strapless sweetheart neckline. I was still pissed, of course, and I ended the relationship hammer to a anthill style. Amazingly, for some reason, pathetic in nature I'm sure, I now consider him a good friend- I think.

More importantly, it was this year that I saw the details of an experiment in which men and women
were rated for attractiveness by the opposite sex and then sent into a room with other men and women all wearing hooded leotards (to show their faces and shapes only) and their rating on their foreheads. Each party was charged with the task of pairing with a member of the opposite sex whose forehead suggested the highest number possible. None of the participants knew their own ranking, but amazingly all managed to pair up with a member of the opposite sex ranked similarly, a difference never exceeding +/- 2 attractiveness points! I considered perhaps both my overweight estranged husband and my vertically challenged spring fling were somehow out of my league and this explained my poor romantic luck. It's probably true, but not in any way I could discern from a mirror.

Anyway...

None of these dates will leave my crying into a
tub of Ben & Jerry's.

Now we're arrived at Valentines 2012: I'd learned my lesson and implemented a surefire plan to avoid any and all sources of disappointment. The plan is based on the true meaning of Valentines, which I'd somehow managed to recall. This is a holiday for lovers, I reasoned, not hollow shells of human beings grabbing fiercely for one another in a desperate attempt to feel something- anything beyond the empty existential reality of mortality and cosmological insignificance without any apparent hope of immortality and meaning through posterity or the intimate remembrances of a special someone. Therefore, I canceled V-Day. I set a reminder in my phone calendar to end any half-baked emotional attachments by mid-January and actually beat the deadline by several months due to unforeseen developments. With that resolved, I abstained from pursuing any enticing love-interests lest I fall to the misfortune of an inconveniently timed budding romance where we both must navigate the pressures and expectations of the over-rated Hallmark and Nestles marketing strategy. My romantic relaunching is tentatively scheduled for March, although at times I consider postponing it to June. Who knows, maybe I'm just a few months from perfectly clear skin or actualizing my Buddha nature! As for the Tuesday itself, I planned to either spend the evening grooming and beautifying in preparation for my eventual launch to at least give me a snow-ball's chance in hell of experiencing romantic interactions that exhibit some discernible logic. I'm years away from being a more worthwhile person so hygiene will just have to do. Unfortunately, someone who shall remain shameless has interfered with this perfect plan....

Now, wouldn't it be cute if it was some boy who I had no idea totally had the hots for me and couldn't stop thinking about me? It would wouldn't? But, no. It's just my best friend, let's call her Cindy Lou who thought it would be a great idea to have a girl's night out on Tuesday, February 14th at 8pm where we would do one of my favorite things (karaoke) with a bunch of her single friends since she's my only one. She thought it would be fun to call this "No Boys Allowed: Valentines Girls Night Out".

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned the cancellation of Valentines holiday and my suspension of romance until the tentative date of March. Yet, in her adorable naivete she couldn't imagine that I might loath the thought of being in public bombarded by romantic imagery and the knowing gaze of people who had to schedule their romance over the weekend due to their jobs, but would be at home wrapped in the arms of their loved one if they didn't have to make lemon drops for my pathetic ass. Meanwhile, the few lovebirds who are not snuggling up to a quiet evening at home after a exhaustingly sappy weekend of dinner and flowers and candy and "cover your eyes" and shit, are walking hand in hand, star-gazing into each other's glittering eyes, and displaying their affection in full view of my soulless black-hearted glare. Inevitably one couple, so consumed by bliss that they forget the social responsibility involved in walking on a public which is possibly shared with other pedestrians. They absentmindedly knock me clear into the streets where i am killed by a teary-eyed drunk-driver blinded by her running mascara because she is on her way to have fun "just us girls" on Valentines day.

What could be more festive than a single female surrounding herself with other single females all secretly disappointed that they don't have a date for Valentines day and pretending not to be? I can't wait!

Happy Tuesday, single ladies! And to the rest of you...

Roland Martin: CNN Analyst Turned Unemployed "That Guy"

2012-02-09T19:00:00.000-08:00

@Rolandsmartin If a dude at your Super Bowl party is hyped about David Beckham’s H&M underwear ad, smack the ish out of him! #superbowl

-That Guy

Wolfe, we have a situation. Roland Martin- CNN contributing analyst, TV One talk host, author, and thee black perspective of the 24hr news cycle- has just committed professional suicide. In a few short tweets, probably ones influenced by numerous servings of liquid courage, Roland became the guy he has made a career of mocking, gravely of course. How many of Roland's loud ties, handkerchiefs, and neon suits with matching silken vests have taken part in a televised panel discussion to sound off on such cautionary tales as Mel Gibson's drunken anti-Semitic paranoia, Michael Richard's ferocious racist rant, Don Imus' colorful politically unwronged sports commentary, or any of the other celeb-bigots to parade through the new cycles?

Based on Roland's extensive research into what happens when anyone in the public eye makes the fatal mistake of exposing his or her anti-social intolerace, he should already know where that road leads and should have pumped the breaks mid-tweet. Roland himself once predicted that, as the aftershock of Imus' "nappy headed hoes" fiasco rumbled through the entertainment industry, not only
would Imus be fired by CBS, but public sentiment would even compel industry wide re-evaluation on tolerance for sexism in music videos and rap lyrics. So, it's shocking that a self-professed exponent of such stringently progressive views on gender equality would take violence against homosexuals so lightly. I never considered Martin all that smart, but in the name of sheer pragmatism, he should have known better.

Same tailor as Roland
Martin.

Of course, it isn't surprising that the type of man who would rock a leopard-print ascot and expect to be taken seriously outside of Sunday praise and worship service or the playboy mansion would suffer from his extreme hubris. So, maybe the habitual whistle blower against the racist, homophobic and otherwise douchey dog-whistling and Jim-Crowesque Freudian slips of politicians and others, never could foresee in a million years that his own insensitivity may come to light.

After-all, it's only an anti-gay joke directed at football fans. Surely anyone interested the Patriots and Giants' epic battle for football supremacy and Madonna singing Vogue at half-time would totally understand his humor. He can tell every one it's really soccer his hates and this whole CNN suspension thing will blow over. Where would they find another black guy with an opinion at this late notice?

Third World Tech: Only Oxymoronic to Morons

2012-02-02T15:52:00.000-08:00

Is the world really flat as Friedman famously claims or did someone secretly invent a network of wormholes for intra-planetary travel? Introducing the Way-C, Africa's first tablet to rival the iPad. Not available in South Africa, or Nigeria, or Egypt, or Kenya or any of the other countries typically at the forefront of Africa's stop-and-go journey out of its colonial past and into its self-actualized and independent future.Created by 26yr old Verone Mankou and, like most IT products on the market, manufactured in China, the Way-C was invented in the Republic of Congo and is currently sold exclusively in Brazzaville and Pointe-Noire since its late January release. Success in the local test markets may compel its expansion across the continent. Surely, Mankou must have his sights on the globe as well.

That a pearl of such stunning technological advancement could form in the rocky terrain of struggling central Africa is a testament to human resilience and the exceptionalism of Mankou himself. I say exceptionalism because a potent confluence of all sorts of personal and circumstantial positives of an unknown quality convened to produce a presumably charmed life at times intersecting and intimately or narrowly paralleling lives filled with unspeakable misfortune. That the achievement is quite so stunning, particularly when iPad competitors are popping up everywhere especially in China where a Mandarin man built his own and shared the directions of KuTube and the Pro-Communist RedPad was born, may also be attributed to the elitist assumption that less industrialised nations lack innovation. Of course, whether my surprise exposes my ignorance or not, its self-evident that such a presumption is far from the truth.

Mankou and all young innovators like him, illustrate the sorts of next-level, fourth wave, future-is-here advancements evolve in the middle of what so-called "developed" countries call the third world. Easily traversed are he twin cities of cultural/economic/technological stagnation and progress. Developing countries like India, South Africa and others illustrate this well but we often fail to grasp it as a universal principle: modern genius and industrialism is as prevalent in the third world as the prevalence of bombed out, dilapidated communities and disenfranchised groups are amidst high industrialization.

Way-C means "the light of the stars" in northern Congolese dialect. Perhaps because the stars penetrate darkness in an otherwise black sky, much like the pitch black nights of rural communities with poor infrastructure; and much like Mankou himself who is lighting the way to a brighter future for the continent. Mankou and the Way-C reflects the proud but peg-legged march of human progress along a meandering path forward.

Check out this great interview with a slightly younger Verone Mankou for his insights into technological development in central African. Or check the official Way-C website.

Afterword: I remember the face of the most stunning woman I ever saw. I happened upon her in a Cape Town market place. She was incredibly beautiful. Small features, full lips, piercingly bright slanted eyes with skin like black lacquered porcelain. Perhaps to drum up sales her brother translated for me when I told her she was beautiful and then told the harrowing tale of their walk from DRC. Logically, she was too unmarred in beauty and grace for this to be true but it very likely is true if not in her case than in the absolute sense at least. People survive and thrive in quiet and miraculous ways defying incredible odds and forces. Perhaps with every breath that is every living things story- the miracle of life, another victory over death in a battle for each moment. Isn't the dead universe ugly and isn't every amazing thing alive or beautified by the living?

Armaggedon R&R: Resolution- Resolve, Refresh:

2012-01-26T16:20:00.000-08:00

Time flies. A new year is already well under-way. Our New Year's resolutions- quitting bad habits, finally doing that thing you've been putting off and putting off, losing those pounds... have already been forgotten. But here's an urgent reminder, because, in case you hadn't noticed, you'll need to expedite the process. There's barely enough time in the world to get out of debt, buy a house, travel the world, cure cancer, and invent a special shoe that mends the holes in your socks while you're wearing them. That's because this year is unlike any other.

Sure, it will still be a another faded blur of insignificance, broken
promises, and regret launched by its condensed version- NYE, the all hallowed night of faded blurs, insignificance, broken promises, and regret. What better way to practice failure than to don a plastic top hat, laud your count-backwards/be loud skills long after the average 6yr old would lose interest, and kiss the first drunk stranger you see. Hardly remembering what was so regretful about waking up next to a train wreck who means nothing to you when you promised yourself you'd be going home alone pretty much runs the emotional gamut for the year. No, that much is the same.

What makes this year different is that it may be the last year... ever. The movie "2012" affirms the absolute infallibility of the Mayan calender, considered the most accurate known to man, even when it runs out of dates thereby scheduling the last day of existence as we know it- December 12, 2012. The Mayans are exceptional that way. Not only have they no need for a leap year, they also have no need to create a new calender where the last one went off, which is why no horny Mayan teenagers can even dream of stumbling across their favorite Playmate of the Month in the local mall- those hotties have been dead for several millenia.

Still, if the Mayan calender leaves you unconvinced, here are some other compelling indicators that the prophecy is already being fulfilled.

Black President: Think Morgan Freeman, "Deep Impact", Danny Glover. "2012" and Tiny Lister "5th Element", except this time love wont save our asses from some talking asteroid. We couldn't even like each other if our lives depended on it. Just look at Congress!
Congress! Do you know how much cooperation it took to build several arks to preserve mankind? We'd be more deadlocked than a boat door with a china-man's leg stuck in it.
Sporadic weather patterns, even for Maryland. Expect to be running from an Earth Quake any day now. Quick! It's behind you!
Solar Flares: scientists claim these are relatively harmless and only disrupt radio waves and riddle the sky with pretty dancing colors. LIES
Large planet found in the habitable zone around a distant star: why are we so hard up to find an "earth like" planet unless the elites funding research are actually buying up extraterrestial real-estate like hotcake for their own habitation once they're done making millions sucking this one dry, hot, and trashy.
The moon: See all those craters from the moon taking hits for us? One day it going to get smart and fucking lunar duck... and why not in 2012. That'll be our asses.

So, if you've fallen off, behind, or over the wagon on your new years goals then I'm here to ride you like a cowboy... because this year will be different. It's now or never people- get on top of it! Quick, before the apocalypse!

obama underwhelms: STate oF the Union

2012-01-25T16:17:00.000-08:00

I'm too shallow to have formulated a sufficiently impassioned opinion at this time. If the failure of Obama's speech to make a distinct impression on me is any indication of a larger trend, I'd guess his poll numbers should remain pretty steady. Obama might have squandered the opportunity to exude the presidential "it" factor which has historically boosted approval ratings following any major address. Instead, he appeared to be delivering a report card. His posture was like that of a cocky first year grad-student challenging his test results because they were only graded by the more senior teacher's aid.

I do hope he comes better than that during the campaign. His opponents may be full of posturing but during an election cycle image is everything.

Anyway, here's a link:
State of the Union: Fact Checking the President:
ABC News’ Huma Khan, Elizabeth Hartfield, Matt Negrin, Chris Good, Amy Bingham, Jeunee Simon, Greg Krieg, Meg Fowler and Sarah Parnass report: Fact Check 1 – The Booming Economy Fact Check 2 – Obama’s Plan for Foreclosures Fact Check 3 – The American Auto Industry...

Female Enhancement: Madonna/Whore/Superwoman Theory

2012-01-24T14:10:00.000-08:00

Lil Wayne wishes he could fuck every girl in the world, but he'll settle for long hair, thick red-bone. Likewise Jerry Lee Lewis loves big eyed giggly wiggly girls with pretty faces, and pony tails, preferably good enough with a sewing kit to make Chantilly lace. Meanwhile, during the frequent intervals when Freddie Mercury, lead singer for Queen, swings that way- it's the big bottom girls that make his rocking world go round.

Rough Break Down of Socially Proscribed Beauty Ideals Regionally:

West: Thin, tan... blond with big boobs for a really good time
East: Petite, fair-skinned.... curvy in the South and Near East, soft-spoken would also be nice
African Subcontinent: dark skin and morbid obesity are a hot commodity.

Women all around the world are struggling to achieve these various ideals of beauty. Some pay the social and psychological cost of failure to do so while others still sacrifice the high price of their health and well being in pursuit of perfection. Yet, who among us has any trouble getting laid?!?!

Most of us, whether intentional or not, have had the high honor of an erection in our midst. So, obsession with appealing to men's perceived preoccupation with looks is a misguided attempt at attaining what all people truly want: to be valued, treated with consideration, and yes ultimately... loved embarrassingly enough.

Men's storied obsession with outward appearance is a conspiracy my men and the male dominated media designed to fool you into buying their needless products to look more like a real life porn star so he can better blow his load while objectifying you. A man's biggest nightmare is a woman who won't fall for it. Because she spent less time looking in the mirror, she had more time to develop emotionally and intellectually. The result: she is beautiful inside and out and poised to pull the perfect "The Italian Job" style heist on his triple guard security protected heart.

So, if you want to get laid go get drunk and play with your hair alone in a bar. If you want to be taken seriously in a relationship, then listen up. The key to becoming a more eligible bachelorette is just as shallow, yet its still deeper than your hair style. It’s about the grey matter, and I’m not talking about L'Oreal Paris Fairia to hide the signs of aging. I'm talking about finding a healthy balance in your life, one which incorporates the spirit of the three archetypes lurking in the heart of every desirable woman.

The Holy Trinity:

MADONNA WHORE SUPERWOMAN

Before we go any further let's clear up a few things. The so-called Whore-Madonna complex is already a loaded term. For feminists it bespeaks the unfair double standard placed upon women to be simultaneously virginal and overtly sexual. The pop-cultural molestation of a young Britney Spears dancing provocatively in her navel-bearing Catholic school girl uniform for the "Hit Me Baby One More Time" video is a prime example of this. However, I'm not talking about any complex. Actually, it's not complicated at all. Madonnas should explore their sexual selves first as a means to embracing the full breadth of their humanity and then celebrate that self knowledge with another or others literally as it pleases them. Meanwhile, whores should learn the value of their bodies, utilize more in discretion regarding when and with whom to fuck, protect their health and well-being, and incorporate other tools of intimacy beyond sex.

Meanwhile, the Superwoman archetype has been employed by modern society to describe the expanded role of women with thru the lop-sided success of the Women's Lib movement. While representation of women in the work-force quickly and dramatically ballooned, the culture-lag regarding gender roles is most keenly felt in the home, where women are pulling the proverbial 2nd shift as homemakers without the support of a spouse regardless of comparative working conditions or income. This phenomena is only one facet of what I mean by Superwoman. Superwoman's abilities can be as varied as the needs of her family and society. It may refer to her unceasing devotion to her husband and children and the secret Apple Pie recipe that chases blues away as well as her ability to bring home the bacon and fry it up too. Superwoman refers to the skills, talents, and powers to fulfill any needs, be they emotional, social, or psychological, which a partner cannot (or will not) fulfill independently.

So, in case you didn't infer how to master the 3 elements of perfect womanhood through the above exploration of its key concepts, let's review healthy displays of these traits.

Madonna: Don't act like a whore. Exude innocence and vulnerability.

Whore: Imply that you can be a whore for a few hours at a time for the right person and under the right circumstances, then when the opportunity does arises... prove it!

Superwoman: Have marketable personal and often professional skills/powers so that you can provide a useful function in a house hold and enrich the quality of life for those you care about.

Now, most women have each of these traits in varying degrees. The proportion that works for you and your current or potential mate will most certainly vary. However, if you find that your particular concoction is not working for you or would not attract the type of partner you seek, you may want to change your recipe by shifting the ratio of the ingredients. Let's quickly look at the possible pitfalls of common imbalances. Note that typically, the woman who is about 1/3 of each element is called or soon to be called a "wife", but we'll explore the characteristics of wifey (non-synthetic Madonna/Whore/Superwomen fusion) material momentarily.

Imbalanced Life Outcomes:

Superwoman Dominant: Tends to be undervalued because she provides emotionally and often financially for her partner without expressing either the vulnerability of the Madonna, (thereby eliciting emotional support) or the excitement of the whore (thereby maintaing the romantic interest of her partner).

Madonna co-dominate- the woman may often be the victim of infidelity.
Whore co-dominate- the woman may seek others to fulfill her emotional and possibly her physical needs outside the relationship.

Madonna Dominate: Tends to remain in the friend zone with many male interests who are unable to see her erotic potential. May also become the victim of infidelity as her partner seeks more excitement.

Whore co-dominate: Vulnerable in nature, the woman may suffer emotionally in superficial or short-term relationships that do not provide the security she craves because she is unable to adequality fulfill the genuine needs of others

Whore Dominate: Tends to be a slut.

Actually the Whore Dominate female does not neccessarily struggle with promiscuity or infidelity. She may however, lack comfort with non-sexual forms of intimacy. She may call attention to her sexuality and rely on it to gain approval and a sense of connectedness both within and outside of a relationship.

Now, we see how imbalanced females can experience negative consequences leaving them emotionally unfilfilled in relationships. Of course, it is still possible to find compatibility even with these less-than-ideal qualities. Nevertheless, let's look at the wifey material.

Wifey Material:

The wifey material has taken different forms

throughout the ages. In the 1950's for exam, the wifey may have remained a virgin until marriage (Madonna), learned to please her man sexually without demanding her own sexual needs be met (a literal prostitutional form of the whore), and provided the invaluable service of cooking, cleaning, and raising a family. In Biblical times it was pretty much the same except the bride derived her innocence and vulnerability primarily from being under the age of 13. Under any circumstances a few facts remain the same. The Madonna elements of the wifey material exude innocence and vulnerability. Please be gentle is the message of the Madonna and it goes beyond the bedroom, inspiring her mate to care for and support her. Meanwhile The Whore moves her out of the kid-sister corner of the Madonna and into the realm of desire, speaking to the male's carnal nature. Finally, the Superwoman improves the quality of life for her mate and family- fulfilling his emotional and financial needs as well as providing all around logistical support but performing certain skilled functions that might otherwise go undone. These three inner spirits combine to an undeniably amazing trifecta that anyone would be lucky to call lover, provider, and friend.

In conclusion, know thy self. Determine whether you need to get in touch with your inner vixen, dial down the sexual expression, or learn skills that will enable you to care for another. Then, take steps to become a fully actualized woman who loves herself fully and is fully ready to be loved. Of course, because men are stupid... romantic results may vary, but you are certain to feel like a more well-rounded human being.

FYI- I'm single because my Madonna/Whore/Superwoman ratio is M50% / W30% / S20%. I'll worry about it when I'm 30.

Love Conditioning- An Evolutionary Sociological Look

2011-12-12T16:29:00.000-08:00

As the saying goes, experience is what you get the day after you needed it. This adage has never rung truer than when applied to the experiences of a divorcee who is now a better, be it more bitter, person. In fact, this divorcee has a nagging suspicion that even the most timely experience, (ie: through precognition, round-trip time travel, or a cross-dimensional wormhole), could not have taught her how to better handle relationships. Instead, it would have taught her exactly what it teachers her now: avoid them at all costs. So, en lieu of testing my new wisdom on yet another among the haplessly fallible and hopelessly fickle throngs of humanity, I'll offer this advice to those love birds out there who dare dream to the tune of the devil's lullaby. (Did I mention I was bitter?)

Findings: Unconditional Love is Exceedingly Rare

No one loves you just for you. That would be like loving ice cream trucks just for their melody, or your job for its architectural beauty. A human being loves what they gain from you. They love that you make them laugh, bring them comfort, or are always there for them. Essentially, human beings tend to love themselves through their partners. To understand the source of this phenomena lets return to the basic primal drives upon whose foundation the scaffolding of transcendent love is elevated.

Theory: Love and Evolution

Love, of course, is essentially man's neurologically intricate response to the instinctual drive toward sex and reproduction acquired and developed throughout the course of our evolution. We are the decedents of those who found the drive to copulate most compelling and the need for pair-bonding most enduring. Thus, our ancestors, to include primates, and others produced sex hormones to promote arousal along with oxytocin, progesterone, vasopressin, and endorphins to encourage attachment.

This love potion was most important in our species. Copulation alone, without strong and lasting bonds post-coitus, left vulnerable pregnant females alone to fall victim to hunger, predation, or illness among other dangers. We all know the effects of stress on reproductive outcomes. Miscarriages and premature births are frequent among women enduring high stress levels... and for good reason. Stress is our fight or flight survival instinct at work. Heighten stress triggers the body to take all necessary measures to improve chances of survival- in this case for mother and child. Early labor gave mothers that needed edge. From a Darwinian perspective, the possible resulting loss of a child would only free up the scarce resources enabling the mother to produce a possibly stronger child fit to withstand the same pressures at a later time.

Of course, this more efficient neonatal development period severely limits cognitive development potential. Think of our ancestral cousins the baboon. With a gestation period of only 6 months the baboon infant learns to walk and climb as early as 3 months. One classical experiment concluded that others in our primate family develop more readily than humans in and out of the womb due to the continuing neurological development taking place inside the human child. So, despite the eventual outcome of superior intelligence that propelled our species to dominance, the prerequisite elongated periods of codependency and vulnerability would have spelled doom for the reproductive success of this mutation had it not been for the balancing effect of primate pair-bonding.

In fact, because pregnant females with the support of devoted mates could endure longer gestation periods. natural selection continued to reinforce even more complex neurological development as well as even more complex pair-bonding to compensate for it. The two features continued to reproduce and, through mutation, exacerbate one other generation upon generation until attachment became what we know to be love, a consummate experience as complex, multi-faceted, and entangled as the neurons wrinkling our high-maintenance and highly sophisticated nine pound brains.

Now that we see how love is a functional component of reproduction, perhaps we also understand the cause of the laser-beam vs mirror effect of love- the way in which humans love themselves through loving others. If not, allow me to elucidate the matter. A condition of early human survival was that love means possibly creating a piece of one's self through intercourse and also being motivated to ensure the survival of decendants perhaps for generations. Better adapted for survival and reproduction, these more successful humans bequeathed to us their genetic encoding for our highly complex version of love. So today, whether we are gay or straight, reproductively inclined or disinclined, barren or adopting, the vast majority of humans love... and they love selfishly- - a love of self-preservation.

Implications: Love Actually

This fact flies directly in the face of our romantic notion of unconditional love. Because love is an extension of self-preservation and self-replication instinct, and therefore selfish, the sense of being loved just for you is illusory. In reality, you are being loved for your mate- their sake. Whenever love of the self and love of the other are not compatible, the lover will retract their love to protect their own self-interest. If a human being finds that loving their partner no longer feels either as self-gratifying as masturbation or as compulsory as breathing, then they either revert to complete self-love or find another shiny mirror. In fact, if self-love were rewarded with hands-free orgasms and asexual reproduction man would already be extinct due to lack of genetic diversity. Of course, the competitive disadvantages of the former behavioral model has rendered the self-love gene as useful and well-developed as the vestigial tail. That's why single people are filled with self-loathing until someone returns their love for them.

So unfortunately, far from being unconditional, love is offered based upon explicit though often shifting conditions defined by self-interest. At times, those conditions may even be impossible to meet or completely beyond one's control. Nevertheless, in this value based romantic economy one must become an asset. People have little inherit value, it's what they bring to the table and to their partner that counts. The role of love is no different from any other position in this competitive job market. If you exhibit a high aptitude in most areas valued by your employer, you may be forgiven the occassional or even persistent error in other areas, at least for a time. However, if there is a high number of equally or better qualified applicants who can fulfill your skill set at a comparable level, and/or at lower cost, then your security is at extremely high risk. Not even life-long love is an exception. It is merely a function of sustained superior performance within the conditions neccessary to merit continued love for the duration. Contrary to a common misconception, life-long and unconditional love are not synonymous, they are behavioral homonyms.

In conclusion, unconditional love comes once or twice in a life time tops. And, if it comes at all, it'll be exclusively from the following sources: God and/or your Mama. For everyone else's love you must learn quick and well on what parameters love is dispersed. Then, you must execute the maneuvers with nearly unfailing precision. You'll probably still have to bust your ass to avoid hell and making some grandbabies just to be safe.

Good Luck!

Inner City Youth Abandon Dreams of College- Too Dangerous

2011-12-08T16:16:00.000-08:00

If you've asked .low-income urban parents about their dreams for their children, time and time again you've heard "I hope she [or he] makes it to college". The eerily tentative syntax implicates a parents fears for children submersed in a hostile environment. "Making it" to college means overcoming the challenges of inferior schooling and fewer opportunities; resisting temptations like the allure of truancy, gang affiliation, and drug trafficking; and being lucky enough never to fall victim to the dangers of simply being in the right place at the wrong time- losing one's life, or worse, having a child. College is traditionally seen as home base, a safety zone signifying definite escape from the cycle of poverty and its tragic outcomes where no thing is 'It" and no one gets toe-tagged.

Today this has begun to change.
Many hood parents believe that college has become too dangerous for their vulnerable youth and children are chasing new dreams as a result.

"I figure," reasoned Malik (19yrs), a promising student athlete turned drug dealer on the corner of Wilkens and Pulaski, "it's cheaper to die on the streets in a pile of broken glass then on a well-manicured lawn in a pile of debt". Malik also added that they [police] don't "fuck around and let bustas bring guns to prison like they do on campuses either".

The trend of extreme schoolyard violence, began unremarkably within its inherent birthplace of the urban public education system. Then, stunning the country, it infiltrated the suburbs as in the case at Columbine HS. Today, more shocking, it has become a staple in the culture of higher learning. Hearing news of yet another shooting at Virginia Tech, costing 2 more lives just over four years after 33 were killed in the 2007 murder/suicide by Seung Hui Cho, has sent shock waves through the upcoming freshman class and their families. his newest case is on a far smaller scale and was instigated by a routine traffic stop. Still, it has already prompted students to begin seeking safer alternatives to immersing themselves in a community of their peers united by a passion for exploration, enrichment, and discovery.

In response, current students are working hard to combat stereotypes, as so often is the preoccupation in academia. One disenchanted junior confessed,

"Sometimes I'll be on the quad tossing a frisbee and I'll see teenagers driving by looking lost and frightened on their way to work at the local strip club. They roll up their windows and lock their doors. It really hurts. We're not all monsters."

Yet, despite the admirable efforts of students, teachers, and staff higher education continues to signify a blight of violence and well as a frenzy of man-boy molestation, and co-ed rape. Even virginal home school dorks who once could not wait to finally be around kids their own age and make friends have reconsidered their college plans. Party school applications have made a steep decline while many more students have come to rather enjoy eating mom's fresh baked cookies and periodically looking over their shoulder to see her weeping inexplicably over the Twilight Saga as they e-chat to their classmates during a lecture at DeVry Online.

Condolences to the family and friends of anyone lost to gun violence,
particularly the two lost today in the latest Virginia Tech shooting.

In other news:
Virgina Tech Shootings... again
http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2011/12/08/us/virginia-tech-shootings.html
School Violence Funny
http://www.cracked.com/blog/hey-you-know-whats-funny-school-shootings-right-am-i-right/

Gazelle Theory: Man's Anti-Mating Dance

2011-11-23T13:29:00.000-08:00

Can't catch this.

In nature, a sort of performance art is a crucial tool in warning predators against the dangers and/or futility of pursuing their meal. Take the gazelle for example. Even when danger is yet undetected the most nimble of the antelope family can be seen in the savanna leaping high into the air, darting about, and kicking its hind legs in the air. To the untrained eye this may appear as a needless expulsion of energy. Matched against the stealthy calm of the patient lioness crouched in the high grasses awaiting the perfect opportunity to attack, the presumed exhaustion gazelle behavior would induce would prove a competitive disadvantage. This of course, is not the case. Each pouncing and frolicking member of the heard

is counting on the strategic consideration taking place in the mind of its predator. Their high energy performance manipulates the calculations. With each leap, kick, and lunge the gazelle proves his speed and dexterity compared to the other delectable fare. He discourages the huntress, raising doubt regarding his attainability, persuading her to seek an alternative to wet her appetite or risk wasted caloric expenditure and greater hunger. If the gazelle exhibits sufficient physical dexterity, the predator is convinced enough to chase another member of the herd or another species at the watering hole instead. Most importantly, our gazelle has championed the chance to live and mate yet another day! This is an excellent physical and behavioral evolutionary adaptation in the case of the gazelle; but, how it advances the reproductive success of another mammal is a different story entirely.

Man's Gazelle Dance:

Commitment

Somewhere along the line as the human brain evolved to become the most complex in the animal kingdom, a wire got crossed to cause us to apply the instinct toward predator evasion to the realm of human-to-human coupling. Two drives designed perpetuate the species: that of survival and reproduction, appear in conflict within the context of human experience. Either consciously or subconsciously some human beings cannot delineate the nuanced distinction between engaging in an adult, possibly committed, and potentially serious relationship and its counterpart- having: claws rip into one's hind quarters and being dragged to the ground before a ferocious predator sinks its powerful jaw into the throat.
So, to deter others from considering them as prospective suitors, such individuals engage in a social version of a gazelle's anti-predation or deterrence maneuvers. Somewhat anti-social in nature, these behaviors collectively can be considered a sort of anti-mating dance as they have the unintended consequence of inhibiting the enthusiasm, frequency, and duration in which the performing party gets laid. Let's catalogue these behaviors in order of the severity level regarding their impact on reproductive opportunities.

Lone cowboy use CVC and keep the ladies pining.

Clear Verbal Communication Maneuver :

Ironically, the least commonly employed tool in the repertoire of anti-mating signaling, stating that one is not interested in pursuing a relationship, is also the least effectual strategy to deter another from desiring a fully committed partnership with a mate. For one, it endows the prey with the positive trait of honesty and straight-forwardness which is irresistibly refreshing in relationships. Furthermore, the information is most useful when both parties feel sufficiently romantically entangled to make the conversation appear necessary. So, unless it is followed by an immediate cessation of romantic engagement, the mate/predator may interpret mixed messages. Clear Verbal Communication indicates, "I take you (or at least your feelings) so seriously that I find it necessary to have a serious conversation about not wanting anything serious". This is especially true when the string-along add-on of "right now" is included as is so often the case.

In fact, when performed by a woman for the opposite sex, CVC often renders her even more desirable. Unlike wild cats, some men enjoy the challenge of a long and arduous chase. This fact is so wildly known that some female predator/mates who desire relationships may state the opposite desire in a false use of CVC to lure prey. The frequency and ease with such women are "caught" into relationships has rendered CVC essentially meaningless. Therefore many of its sincerest female exponents are mislabeled as "playing hard to get". This also tragically leads to miscommunication between like-minded individuals. Two may agree to keeping things casual but gender stereotypes leave an air of distrust on the part of the male who doubts a woman's sincerity in this regard.

Ultimately, the problem with CVC is that it may cause an sudden and definite cessation of physical and/or romantic coupling if the predator/mate chooses not proceed in the direction the prey/mate has laid out. However, if the predator/mate chooses to continue pursuit or cease predatory behavior, continued employment of CVC is the best line of defense against the common causes of groinal cooling: confusion, irritation, and disappointment. Unfortunately, prey/mates often either lack the maturity or self-awareness to employ CVC on the onset; or, lack the persistence to repeatedly apply CVC as needed throughout the evolution of the encounter. That's where the more problematic maneuvers come in. These strategies illustrate that it is not the commitment-phobia (yeah I said it) that renders a mate undesirable even on the limited terms offered; but, it is the associated behaviors that render the situation decidedly unappetizing.

Exhibit Lameness Maneuver

Many of the mechanisms employed to avoid commitment have the undesired affect of repelling the mate entirely. If someone is starting to enjoy the prey/mate's frequent affection and thoughtfulness, that's when they pull a Houdini and disappear for weeks on end. They withdraw their affection and attention. They live to displease insisting that they can't be happy making their mate smile; but, only doing exclusively what they want to the displeasure of the other. This is the inevitable yet falacious logical conclusion that comes from equating the mate with the predator. Perhaps the inaccessibility of actual big cats, hyenas, wolves, paranas, and etc for comparison is to blame for this confusion. If you put a hot chick next to lion maybe we'd be clearer that the proper response would be to wow her with your speed and strength as you whisk her away from danger and invite her to stay for a platonic sleepover. The gazelle knows it needs to deter the lion and impress the lady gazelle. That's why it doesn't just roll around in mud and poo with the express purpose of showing the lioness that is it disgusting and inedible. The gazelle remains stunningly beautiful in its strength, poise, and grace. CVC reflects this dichotomy. It too is an alluring deterrent- celebrating all that makes its employer worthy of consuming love even as it exhibits his/her unattainability, that its beyond consumption. It beckon to the mate and quells the clingy, possessive, lovesick animal lurking across the dinner table. Unfortunately, many perfectly pleasant and delicious people still choose to roll around in poo to sell their message that not only do they not want to be eaten, they will make you throw up a little.

This is the alternate strategy- show how lame you are. In the wild exhibiting lameness, (ie illness, injury, weakness) will get your eaten. The predator will catch you slipping and snatch you before the dust of the herd settles on your tired face. As a result prospective mates shun lame members of the herd who are unlikely to survive long enough to ensure the success of the offspring and may pass on their lameness to posterity as well. So the animal kingdom knows: lameness will definitely get you eaten... and, it wont get you laid. Among man, we assume that love and money will conquor all. Our lame mates and their lame kids can adapt to food and nature allergies, where corrective lenses, medicate every lameness. This is not a hit against modern medicine or a vote for social darwinism. The problem is, this attitude of tolerating lameness has extended to into romantic affairs. So, while our neighbors in the animal kingdom are pouncing high, singing songs, building elaborate nests, and splaying beautiful colors prey/mates are falling all over one another trying to prove how unreliable, evasive, inept, and clueless they are. They roll in poo just to prove how they'd make a terrible boyfriend/girlfriend. And, at least for a while, they continue to get laid. That is until the senseless behavior causes not only the predator to tire of the chase, but also the mate to tire of the meal.

There is nothing about just dating the precludes being decent, desirable, and displaying positive characteristics. Being wanted and getting what you want how you want it do not have to be mutually exclusive. Actually, they are like the animals on Noah's ark- they come in pairs.

In Science: Death to Dick Swinging

2011-11-14T16:21:00.000-08:00

A NASA-Roscosmos joint space mission successfully launched 3 astronauts-two Russians and one American- into space today. It was the first manned craft launch since NASA retired its own shuttle program in July and the first Russian Soyuz craft launch since a cargo arced below orbit landing in the Siberian desert. The success of this mission will be crucial in testing the reliability of a workhorse spacecraft whose performance has raised doubts. It will also set the tone for a new era of cooperation in space exploration.

Sharing the fruit of our labors, the products of discover, experiments, and theory, across borders to more rapidly expanding the horizon of human understanding and mastery is an idea long overdue. It was Kennedy himself who proposed a U.S/U.S.S.R joint moon mission in 1963 in recognition that space exploration is a human not nationalist endeavor. Khrushchev,hesitated but might have accepted the offer had Kennedy still been alive to carry out the alliance. Unfortunately, Khrushchev trusted President Johnson far less and rejected the offer. It was not until 1975, that the Apollo-Soyuz Test Project become the first joint program in U.S. Soviet cooperation, a huge step in bridging the divide between the superpowers and establishing a peace.

It's been two decades since the Cold War finally chilled the freak out. Military and scientific development has answered orders for a cautious and orderly retreat from the field of nationalistic dick-swinging in which they each found themselves during those tense years. It's beyond saying that it was a dangerous position for the military,with leaders of the free world slinging sausages in one hand and a slug shakily in the other. What is often under-appreciated is that it was a devaluing abuse of science as well.

The prospect of escaping the confines of our liquidous sun kissed planet transcends the minute psuedo-realities of separation by border or body of water. So it should have been as globally wide a cooperative effort as humanly possible. Unfortunately, it is an indisputable fact that nationalism played a central role in the birth of space exploration. This speaks poorly of the nature of our species. The single noblest endeavor to which the feeble consciousness of a primitive planet can aspire to achieve was conceived as a means settle some eco-ideological score. The concept of racing your fellow man and even thwarting his efforts through secrecy and espionage as each independently pursues a colossal achievement for all of mankind seems counter-evolutionary. In terms of motive and methodology the space race was a bit micro for the task then set before us. It handicapped humanities greatest minds by isolating them from the global community of ideas from which renaissances are more naturally born. Independently they each reinvented their wheel in an environment of halved resources.

Luckily, we bask in the technological advances the backward leap continues to afford us. Luckily, both Soviets and Americans achieved incredible advances in research and exploration which was crystallized when Apollo 11 landed on the moon in 1969. Luckier still, the proxy wars and arms races that coincided with this astronomical achievement never escalated to World War III and decimated our infant species in a mushroom cloud in a tragic case where primitive intelligent life sends evolution back to primordial ooze. Yet, we are ignorant to the exponential difference cooperation, doubled efforts, shared information and combined resources might have made.

As NASA-Roscosmos become more symbiotic as a fiscally practical imperative, it dawns on me: placing the globe on the intergalactic map should always have been a global effort as a matter of principle. When all the UFO's slipped through worm-holes into our atmosphere to check the source of the graviton wave fluctuations caused by our biggest little bomb, did they smirk at the small-mindedness implicit in a tiny little flag representing a tiny little nation-state too feeble-minded to grasp universality even within their tiny global community of genetic cousins?

Dark were the primitive days before the evolution of opposeable thumbs when man's primordial ancestors could only paw their penises. Slapping them impishly from side to side in a savagely puny display of manhood. The moment our primate ancestors first enfolded its circumference within the their hairy mits was the singularly pivotal in the story of human civilisation- greater than our mastery of fire, agriculture, or the invention of the wheel. Hopefully, today's successful launch has transformed rockets from the phallic extension of tribal fools to a global expression of man's highest ideals.

Home Over Homies, Homies Over Hoes- The Platinum Rule

2011-10-24T15:09:00.000-07:00

Take a vow of poverty, be rich in spiritual funds

Do Unto Others... blah blah blah- The Golden Rule. Why is it golden? Well, like gold the rule is soft and malleable by itself. It's the world's most important law; yet, it's as staunchly enforced as the one in North Carolina prohibiting people from falling asleep with their shoes on. As Congress would say, the law has no teeth. So, like gold it requires fortification- fusion with tougher stuff. An alloy that won't succumb to heat and pressure- that maintains its integrity through the tests, temptations, bangs, and economic booms of time. The difference: Golden-Rule alloy is not nearly as easy to come by as copper, aluminum, or nickel. Instead, the Golden Rule is bound up to mushy flesh and brittle bones without sheen or shine.
It's no surprise then that like gold the appreciated value of The Golden-Rules fluctuates with inflation. When the dollar is weak
people invest in gold and come together in mutual support. They share in its luster and reflect every glimmer of light that grazes their surface. Alliteratively, when the dollar is strong, people tend to sell their Golden Rule Bonds, their allegiances to one another, to the highest bidder anticipating greater individual success for themselves and their own at the expense of their neighbors and communities.

Like gold, the Golden-Rule is also passe, replaced by a more fashionable metal- shinier, tougher, pricier. Rappers and boomers alike have traded in their Golden-Rule for the Platinum bling- home over homies, homies over hoes, the ethic of taking care of one's own.

Case in point: Clinton era Americans accustomed to low deficit and low unemployment increasingly abandoned social responsibility. We grew to resent the loss of any tax dollar that would have cushioned our already moderately comfortable butts if it weren't for the lazy, undeserving welfare moms left behind in the economic boom because they won't pull themselves by the bootstraps and provide for their families on minimum wage without benefits like the rest of us must have when we personally hitched a wagon to a horse and settled the west without a penny from the government or a government sponsored genocide to make room for us. This brewing selfishness in public sentiment culminated when we eventually opted to leave the poor to get fucked under the Bush in 2001.

Unlike Gold, The Platinum Rule is unbending. People will advance their own out of greed in times of plenty and protect their own out of fear in times of lack. If they have money and/or power they can institutionalize the advantages enjoyed by their inner-circle for countless years and generations- pimping hoes and the children of hoes through disenfranchisement and disempowerment to secure their gains against the outsiders.

Even now as the mass majority of Americans crave compassion because they can no longer adequately support themselves and their families, the machinery of political and financial institutions that relegate them squarely to the station of hoes as millionaires build bigger homes for themselves and their homies in the political and economic sectors, the Platinum rule remains intractable. Rememebr, the other Golden Rule: whoever has the gold makes the rules. That;s called going platinum.

To counter this, movements like the 99% Percenters are acting on the dark realization that in failing to live by the Golden Rule, failing to provide for the less fortunate as we would hope others would provide for us if we were in their shoes, we have failed ourselves and our children. Now we are a lot less fortunate. We could never really afford Platinum no matter what our credit limit was. Now, we can't even afford to live by its rules.

But there is hope that the economic crisis, engineered by platinum laws and paid for with platinum cards, could provide just enough heat to forge a new precious metal- a Platinum-Gold alloy aligned by necessity. The increase in public awareness and outrage over white-collar crime, the war over tax reform, and the brewing class consciousness stirring millions of Americans to occupy in solidarity may reflect an awareness that the gold and platinum are not mutually exclusive. We must broaden our concept of family and community- stretching it to the limits if we are to ensure the well-being and prosperity of those we hold dear. And, we have to institutionalize this new ethic until the strength and endurance of its laws, fiscal policy, and welfare programs can withstand the heat and pressure of the privileged few who can yet still afford Platinum. Of rourse, until that alloy is created we remain the only fortification material. But the more flesh, muscle, and bone we grind into it the stronger and more dominant our Golden Rule will be come. It begins today.

We're all frustrated; but, there are bigger fish to fry, guys.

The Body Sitters: Extraterrestrial Parasitic Race Will Live Your Life Better Than You

2011-09-15T16:24:00.000-07:00

Gwutq* parasites x1000 their actual size

Life is full of challenges, choices, and consequences. Every day we are bombarded with a litany of chores we loath to do and insufferable horrors we struggle to endure. There are even moments in life so unbearable that they can drive us to the brink of mental break-down, haunt our dreams, or sentence us to years of expensive therapy. If you're anything like 90% of your kind, there are any number of times when you would happily check out, throw your body into autopilot, take a mental nap and tell the universe to wake you when this meeting is over so you wont miss your plane to Disney Land. I mean, just because you have to have to be physically present in order to, say, study for an exam, go to work 40-60 hours weekly, or face the dire consequences of failing to do such things shouldn't mean that your mind can't spend the whole horrific ordeal in the Bahamas. We've all been guilty of letting our minds wander. But, then what happens? You flunk your exam, you get fired, your car is wrapped around a tree, and you're covered in your boyfriend's blood. There has to be a better way!

That's where WE come in. We're the Body Sitters (TM). We specialize in taking over your body so that those to which you owe certain obligations will be none the wiser as you do everything you dont feel like doing while feeling like you're doing something else!

A Brief History:

The Body Sitters are members of the endangered aliens race Gwutq* from the planet Soultar (sol-tar). Their species nearing extinction, the Gwutq*, these intergalactic refugees seek amnesty on Earth to escape widespread persecution and oppression against blood-sucking mind control parasites like themselves through a brutal extermination campaign lead by the Grul*mxpq Asrkst (translated from Solese meaning literally "Jumpsuited Spraying Fumes"). Now, as they struggle to rebuild in a new home and mourn the loss of millions of their brethren, a once weakened reformist movement has gained traction among the Gwutq*. Today, 95% of all Gwutq* residing on our planet have sworn to live by the vow of their very own slain reformist leader, assassinated by those of his own kind with a vested interest in the status quo. That vow, according to Body Sitters CEO, X*rtsam, is to forge a loving, compassionate, and supportive symbiotic relationship with their host organisms. This promise, to enhance the lives of those whose vital organs they use as nests to implant their eggs, is the founding principle behind the Body Sitter's brand.

How It Works:

We furnish you with one of our extra-terrestrial parasites endowed with super-human intelligence (IQ's score and between 900-1,250, about 10 times what humans consider genius) and able to over-ride your own mental activities in the very moments when you are meeting your greatest challenges or facing your least pleasurable experiences. They then drive your body as one would a car or heavy machinery, directing it to execute the necessary responsive maneuvers of said situation in expert fashion thereby deriving the ideal outcome for you to later enjoy when it is time to reap the benefits. During your respite from manual-drive, you will enjoy the sensation of relaxing in your favorite vacation destination or engaging your favorite activity, having unrestrained intercourse with Scarlet Johansson for example.

What Can Gwutq* Do For Me?

The more appropriate question is "What can't they do?". Still, to give you an idea of the types of routine operations our parasites can maneuver with your body- here are a few of our specialists (The image depicts the primary host, actual Gwutq* not shown):

The Keg Graduate- Endures Your Hangover

The Keg Graduate specializes in throwing up directly into a toilet, passing out somewhere safe, warm, and private like your home if responsible transport can be attained, and then upon morning, forcing your body to rise sluggishly but without any dangerous falls, to drink copious amounts of water, swallow headache medicine, and eat a responsible breakfast and lunch since it will override your physical desire to sleep in. Maneuvering a drunken or hungover body is the most challenging aspect of this work and takes years of intense specialized training. Imagine vividly imagining that you spent the entire morning wrapped in the arms of the beautiful women who slapped you after you tried to retrieve the chip you dropped into her cleavage, then awakening to a clear pain-free day ready to tackle all the errands that lay before you.

The Last Nerve- Exhibits Patience When You're About To Lose It

The Last Nerve specializes in responding calmly and sensibly to even the most excruciatingly frustrating stimuli. Since Gwutq* are impervious to human emotion but extremely well adept at interpreting and replicating its symptoms, they will be able to cope with and neutralize every possible negative turn in any human social interaction with superb diplomacy and grace. In fact, The Last Nerve was recently introduced into the bodies of prominent leaders in the UN and highly influential circles. Gains in conflict resolution and international cooperation thus far are promising. Of course, while your internal relationship therapists smooths feathers you would have plucked with sick pleasure, you'll be miles away transcending worldly woes and attaining zen like tranquility. You will awaken feeling as if a weight has lifted off your shoulders. You will feel a cathartic release. as though you've just beaten the opposing party within an inch of her life, but she's forgiven you and wont press charges!

The Slim Focus- Weight Loss, Diet, and Exercise Specialist

You've tried every diet out there- diet Pepsi, diet Coke, diet lard- but you can't seem to get the weight off. That news clip showing one of the millions of obese Americans' ass cheeks pushing and shoving under those jeans like one of them wants to escape and trap the other inside- do you have jeans just like those? Well you're in luck because we have a Body Sitter for you too! The Slim Focus body sitter specializes in a number of calorie cutting functions like actually enjoying salads, walking to a the cubicle across the room to discuss a client's issue rather than dialing their extension where everyone present can hear both ends of your conversation, and even ignoring unhealthy food cravings. Yes, even that strawberry cheesecake that seems to sit on your shoulder berating you with insults until the self-loathing bubbling up inside you threatens to boil over and the only way to shut it up is to stuff it into your face and drown it with a malt milkshake can be ignored. Parasites thrive in hosts with healthy diet and exercise routines so they enjoy the life enhancing benefits of overriding your worst health habits. Imagine one day awaking up to a beautiful body with no recollection of the months of hard work that went into it! And, no painful surgery!!

The Real-Izer- Breaks It To You Gently or By Any Means Necessary

Have you ever been afraid to be honest with someone about something really important because were concerned about hurting their feelings, looking like the bad guy, or getting knocked out? The Real-Izer specializes in not caring what others think of its host body. It will tell it like it is to anyone who may be unclear on how it is. Like The Last Nerve, The Real-Izer is highly skilled in interpersonal processes. However, this disagreeable parasite is not given to diplomacy. its mission is to give the cold uncut truth even if it ruffles a few feathers. Sometimes, The Real-Izer will take it upon itself to tell it's host body about itself. Once, it even got fired for doing just that, but the customer while deeply upset, realized that The Real-Izer was 100% right and knew that no one had been able to get through to him like that before. He turned his life around and continued to use The Real-Izer until the day his pancreas hatched parasitic spawns. With The Real-Izer, you can bypass the awkward silence, the search for the right words, the request to take a seat and skip right to the part where the listener sits shell-shocked, unable to summon any words in her own defense, until her face finally softens into a look of understanding and acquiescence. Again, The Real-Izer is blunt, but its communication skills greatly surpass human capacity. You will never lose and argument again!

Wow! These are just a few of the many body sitter specialists we offer. Supply is limited, (though multiplying rapidly), so act now to get your Body Sitter today!

Side effects include but are not limited to: weight loss, flesh eating bacteria, gradual loss of bodily organs, internal bleeding, migraines, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea, heart palpitations, hypertension, arrhythmias, tremor, anxiety, paranoia, insomnia, dizziness, dry mouth/nose/throat, vomiting, hyper-sensory perceptiveness and sensitivity, rash, super-AIDS, memory loss, erectile dysfunction, unwanted alien pregnancy followed by c-section combustion birth, interior re-design, Severe allergic reactions (rash; hives; itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue); blistering or sores; bluish discoloration of the fingers; fainting; muscle spasms; numbness or tingling of the arms or legs; paleness; seizure; severe or persistent fever, chills, dizziness, severe or persistent irritability (eg, unusual crying, screaming, restlessness); severe or persistent joint pain or swelling; shortness of breath; signs of dehydration (eg, decreased amount of urine, very dry lips or mouth); unresponsiveness, and sudden death

The Prometheus Effect: Review of "A Thousand Splendid Suns" by Khaled Hosseini

2011-09-12T16:19:00.000-07:00

Code Green (Low Condition) Spoiler Alert for those who have yet to read this New York Times bestselling sophomore novel by the author of "The Kite Runner", but read it or not here it comes.

"A Thousand Splendid Suns" is about two indomitable heroines, Mariam and Laila who, thrust together by forces personal and historical, transform the shackles of ill-fated circumstance which bind them together into steel plated armor against the crushing blows they must endure throughout their lives. It is bitter and sweet- a testimonial of the quiet courage and fortitude of women in Afghanistan and everywhere fighting to survive and endure the tragedies of war and the injustices of oppression. Through the bond of Mariam and Laila, Hosseini offers an intimate revelation of the mysterious power that fuels such women- inspired and at times emboldened by their boundless love for their children and sisters whose love in turn is their only mirror reflecting their true worth as human beings. Yet, with every tragic turn the tale drew the reader deeper and deeper into the rank and insipid belly of an insidious beast hell-bent of devouring any glimmer of hope the two manage to muster. For the western reader the story was newspaper and world history made flesh and blood, skinned and bloodied, in as personal a way as we'd ever wish to experience.

I was... largely desensitized.

Frankly, that life as a woman in Afghanistan mostly sucks is a fact taken so thoroughly for granted that Rasheed himself, the malicious and violent antagonist, would have to emerge from the pages and pummel me personally just to get me to flinch. At times the melodrama of the story barely exceeds the average Tyler Perry movie script in terms of shock value; therefore, I mostly felt like I was screwing Jenna Jameson: I expected better... or, in this case I would say worse.

It's a shame too, because Hosseini did an excellent job of making the reader fall in love with these inspiring women. We watched them grow-up as if they were our own daughters. Our hearts soured with their youthful exuberance and palpitated as they seized upon dreams like fireflies in the night. Yet, we quickly learned to see each flicker of possibility as you would a snowflake resting delicately on your palm. We waited expectantly for it to melt; or, be crushed with the blunt force of a sledgehammer which of course destroys our hand as well. Hosseini painstakingly and painfully taught the reader to see life as thousands of women have already do- tenuous, delicate, subject to the slightest whim- a quality which makes existence as exceptionally precious as it is expendable. So, we did not revolt at the unimaginable cruelty run rampant in Afghanistan, where local and global forces culminate forming fertile ground for the basest potentials of human nature to flourish unencumbered. We learned quiet acceptance- like Mariam and Laila and so many other women for whom hope is danger and pain.

But, as our heroines illustrate, hope is also a gripping addiction with a transcendent high for which they willingly suffer and risk death. Amazingly, though, in the end hope triumphs. The Communist, then the Mujahideen, then finally the Taliban all fall and what is left are the people- rebuilding, healing, flourishing again like the Spring after a long and brutal winter. In the end, seemingly impossible dreams, so humble in their exquisite grandeur against the realities of death and decay, come true.

The haunting dis-ease which lingers at the close of this finally uplifting work renders this the single most depressing "Happy Ending" I've ever read. Hosseini himself alludes to the cowering menace of war-lords already permeating every level of post-Taliban society and the reader cannot forget the inextricable reality of current events. The story continues in our minds, in the news, flooding the margins with continued bloodshed and destruction. Might the precarious haven our heroines create in this story again lie in ruins somewhere in all that turmoil?

It begs the existential question: could human resilience, particularly where the inhumanity of war devours the flesh and soul of its victims like crows savaging in the night, be not a source of salvation but the cause of our unceasing damnation? To call "A Thousand Splendid Suns" an uplifting tale would be merely a panacea for Western responsibility. Ending this story, closing the book on our courageous protagonists as they revel in the glory of their greatest victory even while they continue to lose an unwinnable war, is delusion. Ending the story here would be like ending the myth of Prometheus in that first morning while his wounds heal in the warmth of the sun, although he is still chained to the boulder poised to again be eaten by crows. There is no happy ending amidst widespread suffering. Rather than a call to marvel at the healing power of the human spirit, this book is a call for us to work tirelessly to free ourselves and one another from this damned rock.

What Would Reagan Do? Not A Damn Thing Obviously

2011-09-08T15:24:00.000-07:00

What a guy. What a policy.

Oh holy debate when conservatives the Midwest over took that sacred hajj to the Mecca of conservative thinking- The Reagan Library. How their spirits must have fluttered when they sensed the American spirit moving within those exalted walls, lifting them by their boot straps and setting their feet upon the stirrups of a high horse of American Exceptionalism. You could almost hear Romney whispering to Perry, "Straighten ye hair part. Though standeth upon holy ground". Ron Paul might have burst into flames upon setting foot in the temple had it not been for His mercy.

Yes, it was quite a humbling night for a party that has lost its way to find its way home. It's a wonder that, surrounded by sacred texts almost christened with the very blood and flesh of the truth and light himself, the candidates didn't simplty have a sweater clad librarian delve into those shelves and research their debate questions. Then, they could echo the voice of Reagan himself verbatim and cite their source AP Style, certifying their conservative credentials before all doubters.

Hasn't this been the way? Even in the year 22 A.R. (After Readan), whenever staunch conservatives are faced with a seemingly new and challenging problem, they always ask that great myster of faith: What would Reagan do?
But I come to thee bearing a new message The Pharisees may scorn. I come to destroy the market in the temple for the party is being sold up the river. Verily verily I say to thee...stop peppering your sentences with the R word.

JUST STOP IT!

Firstly, if the conservative movement doesn't want to die a mass of melanin deficient inbreeders its leaders need to note the following. Within significant quaters of the American populace, namely the working poor and minority populations, any mention of the name Reagan will be met with the heartily spooked retort, "You know Ronald, Wilson, and Reagon all got 6 letters in 'em? 666 man! He's the devil I say."

Secondly, let's not pretend that the Reagon years were biblical times. Scholars aren't pouring over his memoirs trying to determine whether a good Reagantonian Conservative should live like the Omish or can his basic principles be reconciled with modern life. Would Jesus download free music on Nabstar? Nobody knows (probably not). But, would Reagan propose a 25% cut to EPA budget funding and slash funding to renewable energy programs "setting solar back a decade" (source)? He would and he did. So it's not the great philosophical quandry of our time. He served in the 80's and faced chalenges politicians are still grappling with today. In fact, many of the social crisises of today persist because Reagan either caused, exacerated, or was just another president not competent enough to solve the problem.

Moreover, Reagan was an actor and a puppet. He was well liked and that's the only thing politicians really want. Like me, love me, vote for me! They are a bunch of people pleasing attention whores who would still be kissing our asses for love if it weren't for the bigger corporate asses that shit campaign collars which politicians then use to buy our affection because its easier and they are afraid to lose us. If Frued was to analyze the average republican mind he'd conclude that they want to kill Ragean and fuck poor people*. That's why they butcher his legacy so much. Still, lots of musicians admire Jimi Hendrix but they don't all go areound overdoseing on sleeping pills. You want to be like Reagan, develop your oratory skills so you can properly sell the public on policies that will actually help them rather then any policy dictated to you but some well-funded faction (and that goes for people on both sides of the aisle). Seriously...

So, let's just quit the Reagan worship now. Need I remind everyone that 80's urban blithe created by Reagan politicies was the fertile ground from which the Third Reicht of the Culture War, Gangster Rap, flourished? I thought that would burn your biquits. There, there... there may be a God. It just isnt Reagan.

* If he were to analyze the Democrats he'd conclude they'd want to have Kennedy marry Clinton so they could have a threesome with Marilyn, Jackie, and a hotter intern.

Hurricane Irene- Ties to Islam

2011-09-07T15:59:00.000-07:00

Until now, the days long investigation into the rampage of destruction hitting several major cities along the east coast including Washington, DC and New York, has gone without one crucial detail. Chief Investigator Karla Briggs, who's leading the region wide task force explained their frustration.

"We have iron clad evidence linking Bahamas native Hurricane Irene to the random acts of violence which wiped out power grids, disrupted daily business in the private and public sector, and cost numerous lives as well as thousands of dollars in damage.What's been eluding us is motive. Why would warm, highly percipitatious air rise over Caribbean waters, leave a vacuum into which cool air rushes to fill before itself warming and rising in turn thereby creating a swirling pattern which increases in size, speed, and destructive power as it careens through heavily populated coastal areas?"

Then the breakthrough.
After hacking into the hurricane's FaceBook account, the team uncovered critical information and gained insight into the twisted mind of the terrifying weather phenomena. Right there under Irene's info tab, next to the Religion space in off-white and navy it reads: Muslim.

"Hurricane Irene... is...Muslim." Briggs announced at a press conference organized 20 minutes following the case-shattering discovery. Briggs herself left the podium without taking any questions, giving a congratulatory handshake to to her colleagues for the "sleepless nights and restless days committed to this case." she later explained. It was a stage tech who addressed the journalists' flurry of questions.

"To the Daily Report: Yes, Hurricane Irene probably reads the Quran.... CNN: Yes, yes, and likely believes in Allah as the one true God and Muhammad as is messenger...Yes, Christian News Network:the hurricane probably tries to pray 5 times a day. I'm sorry if you feel that puts you to shame. Yes, three is plenty. Yes, especially if you do it in tongues...yes Aramaic is impressive too.".

Interviews with close friends and acquaintances revealed that not only is the extreme tropical storm Muslim, but it also believes that the war in Iraq is a mistake, that the war in Afghanistan has outlived its purpose, the Israel is oppressive toward Palestinians and Israel settlements beyond the the 1976 borders constitute illegal occupation. All this, according to investigators, complete a profile of a prototypical self-radicalized Islamist terrorist.

This has resulted in a public outcry for greater diligence in recognizing the signs of weather pattern grown terrorism and rooting it out wherever it may florish.

Briggs stared pensively at a YouTube video of flying cows before giving these chilling words,

"The winds sometimes exceeding 85mpb and torrential rains which caused flooding in low lying areas were acts of terrorism designed to send a message, particularly to Washington where it successfully halted most government operations and the subway system forcing people to sit in horror and hold conversations with one another in the absence of work, not even on their laptops. Irene was saying that very foundations of this corrupt empire which make possible the rights and freedoms we take for granted can and will fall... and it may take over a week to rebuild the power lines."

At press time the warm humid air above waters along the equator is currently in questioning as a potential co-conspirator in the massive attacks.

New Tech Gadget Totally Cool- Like Cyborg Blood

2011-08-08T15:50:00.000-07:00

Resistance is futile.

Today my office contracted a new kitchen refreshment company, you know- the people who keep the break room plied with coffee/cream/sugar and fixes our super hi-tech water cooler when it breaks down from sheer exhaustion as it frequently does. I lamented that the Swiss Miss hot-chocolate packets would no longer be available even though our office pushes 40 degrees in the height of the summer and threatens to hail once a week. But, I applauded that the slightly smaller paper cups were furnished with a little appliqué that you could peel and fold to fashion a little teacup handle. Surprisingly sturdy, I filled the cup with cream and a touch of hot coffee and carried it gingerly with my fingertips. I trusted it with my lap. Sheer genius! It was a more economical and eco-friendly answer to the cardboard cup cozy popular at Starbucks for example. It was a simple- a practical solution to protect hands from hot paper cups!

Why didn’t an IT company think of that? No, I don’t need an app to virtually hold my coffee but I do miss the days when IT solutions solved an actual problem for everyday people. Silicon valley hasn’t substantially improved the quality of my life since the first time the mere thought of licking a stamp made me throw up in my mouth a little. At best, IT solutions create a competitive advantage for the Joneses which other IT solutions then need to neutralize. For example, not being able to access the internet via my phone wasn’t a problem until some Mr. or Mrs. Jones started emailing at 2am with their new palm pilot and couldn’t understand why I wasn’t responding until 9am the next business day. If my inability to be productive at all hours of the night and day is a handicap, then so is Ron Jeremy’s dick. Because I’m sure we all quit enjoyed our 9-5 business day and had the marketing campaign made it clear that it would solve this “problem”, sales would be significantly lower. That’s why software commercials rarely follow the cheesy gadget infomercial format.

1) Compellingly illustrate the problem

Tired of turning pages in a book? Now, queue scene: monumental idiot # 1 ripping page after page and twisting his face in exasperation.

... Wish you could avoid the backbreaking labor of removing and replacing a book on the book shelf? Queue female idiot standing on a stool reaching for a Nancy Drew mystery novel on the top shelf of a library the size of Belle’s birthday present. All the books fall on her. She’s now in a full body cast but is able to shake her head disapprovingly.

2) Enthusiastically market the solution.

Cut frame. Bling! I-Pad 2pops into the bandaged hands of the women who couldn’t possibly perform the touch-screen functions yet her face alights with pure joy.

Flash scenes of a happy and prosperous future with the i-Pad2 at the very center of a new heavenly universe. A totally not dysfunctional family envelope the rectangular screen with laughter, warmth, and love as the children explore a new found appreciation of literature.

Mom smiles as she turns off the now abandoned television.

3) Exaggerate the supposed value of the item and mark it down with a big red X about six times before revealing the actual price.

The I-Pad2 would normally sell for $499.00! And that’s exactly what we’ll charge until the I-Pad3 renders it obsolete and undesirable in a few months. Then we’ll pretend this commercial never happened so as not to piss off everyone who was impressed enough to buy it while it was still hip!

No, that format doesn’t work. Instead, they have to just wow you with how cool it is so that you want it just because it’s cool and it’s cool because everyone else wants it unless they already have it- in which case you are the last one who still wants it while everyone else wants something else that you also want but will settle for this for now. Take the Droid commercials for instance. Haven’t music videos, YouTube, and the fast-food McDonaldization of practically under the sun including journalism done enough to exacerbate the problems of Attention Deficit Disorder in the upcoming generation? Incidentally, the Borg race from the Star Trek series are also classified as droids- organically sentient partly mechanical beings. Is Droid hell bent on converting us all to group-think automatons who can’t form a thought or word that isn’t first reflected off a satellite millions of miles away? Will children no longer wonder why the sky is blue? Will they cease to even notice? I don’t think I need to run 6 movies, play Zelda, and dump my boyfriend via text at the same time. But Droid Does. And all these commercials just show you how awesome it is to do something you never even thought you wanted to do because if your dull little mind could conceieve of such a thing you would be developing software and not just buying it.

Not that I’m innocent here. I am light years behind the civilized universe in grasping the technological advancements even from a half decade ago but, somehow I got my hands on a Crackberry in 2009. Now, I am just terrified of what would happen to my soul if any single device were to somehow dominate any more of my life than this. Now I just want to chop onions in seconds and not have to bend over to wash my feet. I want a cup that fits my lips perfectly and never lets me waste alchohol all over my chin. These are my first world problems and if we could just focus on solving those life would be easy. So, can the IT world remove the hassle without adding to the hustle?

PMS: An Evolutionary Biology Perspective... No, Seriously (Kinda)

2011-08-04T15:07:00.000-07:00

The Problem:

Long before the birth of the first homosapien, the female of the species has lived in a state of constant flux. The ebb and flow of her bio-chemical composition has been the catalyst for astonishing changes in mood and behavior. Incidentally, as these transformations coincide so closely with the phases of the moon, it stands to reason that one or more cases of a particularly hysterical woman may have become legend, inspiring the fabled horror of the original werewolf. So unwelcome are the manifest traits of the reproductive cycle that one wonders why it hasn't gone the way of the vestigial tail. Evidently, some women experience these changes more than others and there should be an inverse correlation between going unshaven and prowling the woods ripping dude's heads off monthly and reproductive success. So, presumably the genetic coding triggering many of these affects should have begun being eliminated from the gene pool through the process of natural selection as soon as the frontal lobes of men grew in sufficient sophistication to make the poignant observation, "This bitch gon' crazy!"

Yet, unthinkably, the genealogical plague prevails generation after generation. The same impulse that tricks the male praying mantis into wrapping his mate in a passionate embrace while she proceeds to devour his head has somehow overridden the rational human mind as well. It seems mother nature opted to keep PMS and just do away with chest hair and made the smart gamble that these would somehow balance each other out. After all, women already had the cave-of-wonders and a host of other hoo-has and do-hickies to keep men placated in the mean time.

Yet, the survival of the bitchiest is no coincidence. It is a product of a slim competitive edge wielded by billions of players during millions of rounds in a game where nature is always keeping score.

"If tendencies to anxiety, heart failure, nearsightedness, gout, and cancer are somehow associated with increased reproductive success, they will be selected for and we will suffer even as we 'succeed,' in the purely evolutionary sense." -Randolph M. Nesse and George C. Williams, "Why We Get Sick"

So, how do regular episodes of cramping, bloating, irritability, mood swings, and acne help us adapt to our environment and survive to reproductive success? I found this question so compelling that I personally gave Useless Research Group a billion dollar endowment to come up with a scientifically unverifiable but somehow satisfyingly plausible answer. Within 2 hours they released a ground breaking study analyzing the affects of Pre-Menstrual Syndrome symptoms on decision making.

The Findings:

Troop: group of gorillas

It is widely accepted that sufferers of PMS often act on irrational emotional impulses; and therefore, making intolerable company for the duration of symptoms. However, the study found that this erratic behavior quite often improves the quality of life for the sufferer as well as those in her troop. This assertion was supported by some surprising statistricks.

90% of female initiated break-ups occur approximately a week prior to menstruation

75% of male initiated break-ups occur in response to some non-sense the female did or said the week prior to menstruation.

80% of women report of a sensation of extraordinary catharsis following the episode of heightened emotional expressiveness

50% of men admitted that how they fare during the challenge of dealing with a mate during this period is a strong indicator of whether they could see a future with the female

And most telling...

While 99% of women report having acted out of character as a result of PMS symptoms, only 10% admitted no extenuating circumstances explaining the reason behind their action. All other respondents revealed that the behavior in question, though bold and often unprompted, fulfilled actual needs. Respondents reported that the heightened emotional sensitivity often emboldens them to say or do what they deemed necessary whereas they would otherwise be too fearful.

As one anonymous interviewee explained,

"Maybe I should not have burst into tears when he touched the beer and said 'too cold'; but I really did think that he was neglecting our relationship. I felt that he had grown cold toward me. He's better now. We planned a romantic getaway without the kids! So, yes, I would do it again just differently. I would not have shaken the beer and had it explode directly into his eye."

One evolutionary biologist who reviewed the results offered a theory explaining the success of the PMS trait. As a harbinger of yet another month of reproductive failure, the female's potent response to the hormonal changes preceding menstruation prompt her to re-evaluate her circumstances and take decisive action to improve her future chances of reproduction. As fertility is affected by a wide variety of factors including stress levels and diet, a wide variety of changes may take place including food cravings and changes in life-style and relationships. Our ancestors were not the type to shrug off their barren wombs. They took action. Hence survival of the bitchiest.

If I Can Do It, You Can Too: Not Just For Diets Anymore

2011-07-28T16:33:00.000-07:00

Democracy has finally reached its zenith! This is the first generation of little girls and boys who, when told by loving parents that they could be president someday, are not being blatantly lied to. Yes, this is the post-racial, unisex, multi-cultural, utopian society with cars fueled by rainbows and hopefully soon sunshine of which the hippies always dreamed. Every child no matter where they come from can aspire to the highest office in the nation- the world even, assuming China hasn't beat us out by then. But let's not be too hasty. That limitless potential should still start to deplete to natural gas levels around your 20's. Inevitably for most, a few bad or even mediocre life choices will usually piss it away like so much Jagermeister. That should be the time to start setting practical goals. Start a business. Learn a trade. Get a life.

Unfortunately, democratization has done for politics what The Real World has done for fame. Talent is no longer required. People think you can just up and email all your friends who think you'r so smart and funny and all of a sudden you're Snooky millions in campaign contributions and a sound strategy for getting America back on track. It's as if George Bush aired a series of late night infomercials saying "Politics: If I Can't Do It, Why Can't You?" and all the kitchen table legislators who've been having policy debates during drunken poker games got up and said "Yeah! Why can't I!"

Some white dude taking up the family business with all the education and priviledges in the world in his favor failed miserably. So, it stands to reason that some random dude or dudette with none of those advantages could easily succeed wildly. That's the premise upon which today's elections are based. It's why we have a gang of freshman Senators with no political experience and no concept of complexity dogmatically holding to the few trifling principles they'd been obsessing at their Sons of America meetings while with the entire economic system hangs in the balance. Americans have taken "anybody' and inserted the prejorative syllable 'ole. Let's vote for any 'ole body who says what we've been saying for years because it's almost like voting for ourselves. It's the everyman motif which has always been essential to poltics, made dangerously literal. Granted, we can celebrate the historic moment when a biracial American and a woman each became viable options as a nation's next leader; and, I hope this historic moment rings eternal to define our culture and our future. Conversely, this everyman = any 'ole body complex is also a worldview that finds exceptable and even desirable that Sarah Palin be a heart beat away from the presidency and finds legitimate a plumber formulating global economic policy. Unless we've raised the bar on mediocre, everyone who knows what they are talking about will be relegated to the universities- put out to pasture like old mares or old people.

Americans have heard too many rags to riches stories and we think Obama's presidency is one of them. We see brown skin and no matter how detailed our knowledge of his actual story we still equate him to the doomed project kid who, with a little grit and determination, took the world by storm with either a basketball or mic. Let's clarify: with a little grit and determination Barak Obama went to Harvard Law. And all of all the kids with their limitless potential, he is one of the exceptional ones who actually ended up living that potential- not simply by being president but by virture of the wealth of knowledge and talent he has accumulated over his lifetime thru hard work, study, and experience. Yet, somehow Americans have made Barry the answer to George 's infomercial challenge. We decided that if George can't do it Barry can, and if Barry can do it so can we.

I miss the days when political candidates pretended to be normal- fumbled around with a bowling ball and choked down a beer being sure not to get caught with their fingers curled. God Save The Presidency!

Vag Virtuoso: Handy Alternative Uses

2011-03-02T20:04:00.000-08:00

Have a dusty old twat lying around, taking up space in the basement, gathering cobwebs like a puddle gathers water? They say use it or lose it. It one refers to your vagina and it two refers your mind. But, who says the clitoris is the only bodily organ whose exclusive purpose is providing sexual pleasure... other than experts in anatomy? Rather than waste all that prestinely preserved pooty-tang you've been saving for that moderately acceptable someone, try putting that former sausage slurper to work. Try these alternate uses and helpful hints. Surprisingly, your chi-chi can save you time and money by replacing a number of household items including:

The Chia Pet: Your snicker-doodle is a great low maintenance alternative to the dollar store Chia Pet. No seeds required and you dont even have to water it... on purpose. Yet, it can grow just as full and lush. For extra fun, go ahead and give your new pet a cute little name.
The Bonsai Tree: Just because your bush isn't getting its cherries picked, doesnt mean keeping your skittle nibbler prim and proper can't be a soothing, therapeutic, and creative experience. It gives you something to do with your hands while you train them to stop drunk dialing Jason!

The Fruit and Veggie Ripener: Hate green bananas? Wanna pickle your own cucumbers? Turn your vag into a molting fridge and have your fruits and veggies dinner ready in a jiffy. It's a quick and easy way to snag a healthy snack as an alternative to Ben n Jerry's date nights.

Coal To Diamond Converter: Diamonds are a girl's best friend; but, not like that treacherous slut you've kown since middle school who started stopping by to help around the house since you were working over-time for that promotion and, as she put it, "neglecting the one good straight man left around here". And, since your chokie is tighter than Joan Rivers' face, you don't have to wait for Billy to answer your ultimatum and give you a ring. Just insert any carbon based item, (ie anything on Earth), up the old snatch, and squeeze. With a strong enough kegel you can produce enough heat and pressure to diamonize a lump of coal. You'll have a collection of uncut diamonds to be fashioned into jewelry or sold to an international warlord in no time. Too bad men don't as well to pressure.

The Chemistry Set: Your gyno loves pap-smears. There must be some reason why someone would do that shit forty hours a week. It's edu-tainment!

The Enchanted Lamp: You wont be greeted by a genie. And, although you'll only get one wish, you'll get that wish as often as you want.

The Fuck or Flight Security System: Even better than ADT, your snatch knows when there's a tall muscular man in the vicinity. Just think of that tingling sensation as a police siren signaling you to race to the panic room.

See! There are a lots of things you can do with your vag besides have sex! Use it or lose it... and have fun!

Wisconsin School of Hardknocks B.A. in Class Consciousness

2011-02-27T22:17:00.000-08:00

Background: As you may know... Only a month after providing tax cuts to businesses which cost the Wisconsin government $67 million dollars, Gov Scott Walker threatened to lay-off hundreds of government workers if a bill to eliminate collective bargaining rights for public employees wasnt approved. Despite 11 days of widespread protests, the bill passed through te Wisconsin Assembly on February 25th at 1am. It is said that the passage happened so suddenly that a majority of Democrats present missed their chance to vote. Wisconsonians are still at the capitol fight to keep the bill from becoming law.

When Will We Learn?

The human infant is incapable of perceiving distance and believes that all of existence lies with their line of sight and kissably close.

A toddler will drop a ball countless times before accepting as fact that the ball will always succumb to gravity rather than halt suspended in the air.

Pour liquid for a tall slender glass to a short stubby mug right before that child's eyes before a small child's eyes and they will never comprehend that although Tommy was given the taller glass, both or them got the same amount of juice. That child will not be reasoned away from a tantrum but will scream in your face and stomp on your foot.(Which is why "Because Mommy Said so" and an ass whooping is the most effective means toward reasoning with children. But that's neither here nor there.)

Imagine what life would be like had maturity, adulthood, and responsibility come to us without knowledge of the basic laws of physics which govern our universe. How perverse and backwards would our life choices be if we still perceived three quarters as more than one dollar? How could we possibly survive?

Yet development of American socio-economic political culture is so stunted. Despite our coming of age as a country, we have maintained at or regressed to an infantile level of cognitive maturity. The America people, like a babe grasping for the moon which peers through its nursery window, we fail to grasp basic geo-spatial imperatives. Does Piaget's theory of Cognitive Development indicate when grown ass participants in a democracy will finally awaken to the physics of Economic Class?

Objects do not cease to exist only to reappear with a light flip of the palm during and game of peek-a-boo. When you hide your eyes, you do not disappear either. Everyone can still see you. The sun does not set because you are sleepy. Buildings do not grow taller as your approach them. And finally, the middle is a relative term which presupposes its opposites. It is a position which is between back/front, up/down, left/right, North/South, and East/West. Now if you've managed to comprehend that concept then you can graduate to some advanced Martian rocket science that mere humans cannot possibly fathom at this point in our evolution. It's a big mental leap but I need you to go with me on this: the fact extends to class as well. In other words, if everyone was middle class, it would not be the middle. There is an upper-class and a lower class, and some of us need to find our true place in the class hierarchy.. or food chain depending on your station.

If we are potty trained, how did we end up covered in Shit?

The Wisconsin Pro-Union protests are a strong indication that Americans have finally made the critical cognitive leap of class consciousness. After decades of being brain-washed into believing that everyone with a house, car, and picket fence is living the American Dream, we've finally looked up to see the top a galaxy away and felt the bottom hard against the soles of our feet, and sometimes flat on our asses too.

Wisconsin residents were only the most rudely awakened in Class 101. Protests are taking place in cities across the country where unscrupulous leaders run states like corporations. Nothing counts but the accountants and the bottom line. But for most of us this is just nails on the chalk board. Imagine realizing that a governor, who owes you his job by the power of your vote, would sacrifice your very livelihood to the pagan god of Fiscal Responsibility yet kept Jones' Inc. on the corporate welfare roles of tax relief. It's like having ice water thrown on you during the climax f a wet dream... and you're the 65 year old uncle with the heart-condition that has the whole family keeping you out of the loop on all the families bad news... and you're in a hospice. Now, after you're done imagining it, take a moment realize that this harsh could someday soon be your own. If you aren't already under cardiac-arrest, dry yourself off before you catch a cold.

Critics may warn against class-warfare-mongering but are we not already in the midst of a genocide? Median salaries fall behind as the cost of living soars with inflation. Greater and greater wealth is consolidated in the hands of fewer and fewer people, Americans lose faith that they can secure a better future for their children. All this is made possible by a deluded voting population convinced that they should enable the exploits of the rich, convinced that they too will someday be rich. Wrong: you have a 1% chance of reaching a higher class. Yet, thanks to American Optimism, we have lost sight of our best interest. In the 60's, the wealthy lead lavish lifestyles even amidst a 50% tax rate, but any taxes on the rich today is considered Socialism. The middle-class is being systematically exterminated.

LET WISCONSIN BE YOUR PEER TUTOR:

Consider this the "Your Baby Can Read" program of Class 101. After a quick tutorial on social networing, Dr. Sandra James, a Summa Cum Laude graduate of Wisconsin's prestigious School of Hard-Knocks, is on twitter to answer a few of your questions, helping you determine whether you are middle class.

SoccaMama72 @DrJames I have three kids 3 kids. I earn $50k annually. My neighbor to my right has 2 cars and my neighbor to the left has none. That makes me middle class right?

DrJames @SoccaMama72 Since the neighbor to your left can afford to live in your neighborhood, you can be sure that your neighbor to your right is upside down on his mortgage amidst plunging property values, drowning in credit card debt and hasn't saved for his kid's education. Call your congressman.

Dabomb.com @DrJames But I rock all the hottest gear: Gucci, Prada, Tommy Hilfigure and Fubu. I'm a baller, right?

DrJames @DaBomb.com And yet... your kids get free lunch, you rent, your behind of your electric bill. Plus, the brand is always on a t-shirt or plastered across your ass and you've never heard of Birkenstocks. You better buy your clothes where you buy your Ramen noodles and stop playin'!

PrepStar @DrJames I've worked at my company for 15 years and make good money!

DrJames @PrepStar No... you MADE good money 15 years ago when they hired your ass and now you're syked about your 30 cent raise? Raise hell.

Friday Night FAQs: User's Manual

2011-02-24T18:24:00.000-08:00

"I didn't do it, I swear!"

There's more to blame than just the achohol when your night life takes a debaucherous turn. Sometimes, its not about what chemicals you put in your body and more about your body's chemicals. So, if you've contacted the Bestie Services Representative and still find yourself at a loss, here's a handy resource for quick answers. These Frequently Asked Questios, so often mumbled through a hang-over fog or speed texted in ALL CAPS by concerned friends as you collectively struggle to grasp what the hell happened... and why, are now finally being answered for your convenience. Just in time for the weekend.

Q: I'm a big fan of the noASSital look, so how did I wake up next to Free Willy?

A: Hunger affects the libido. When a man or woman has missed a meal they instinctually seek out a mate who appears to have greater access to food sources. This proclivity was sound survival strategy during famine. But today, when we've finished breakfast in bed next to our latest conquest, we want to be able to keep our meal down. McDonald's is open late after all. So, to avoid pushing a little too much cushion, be sure to hit the fridge before you hit the town.

Q: Why am I dressing like a slut and walking like a skank?

A: You are instinctively aware that bare skin and movement in the hip region stimulate the male libido. And, since you're in heat you're ready stimulate a few things.

Q: Last night I thought I was in heaven surrounded by Angels. According to FaceBook, I was in a bell tower surrounded by Gargoyles. What was I thinking?

(Figure 2/0) But... you looked like this

A: Women omit a hormone called Copulants. Coplulants impede the ability of men to think clearly and that includes, but is not limited to assessing attractiveness of prospective mates. In one study, men who were exposed to the hormone in low imperceptible doses rated images of women on a computer far more attractive than men who were not exposed to the hormone. The copulant-induced men were both sober and exposed to lover levels of the chemical than you would find in a crowded bar packed with 80 scantily clad women thrusting vigorously.

Q: Why do men look at my ass before greeting me?

A: Waist to hip ratio is the easiest way to assess the sex and reproductive health of a prospective mate. Unless you have junk in your trunk they wont want to give your their spunk.

Q: I love my boyfriend. He's so sweet and caring. He's like my best friend. So why am I hooking up with my pig ex right now?

A: When was your last period? Studies show that women are more likely to cheat on their boyfriends and husbands when they are most fertile. That's because the ideal characteristics best suited for building a nest and raising children are not the same as the genes most suitable for procreation. The emotionally distant sex-crazed ex's testosterone levels make him a jerk but also make him an ideal mate. So, instinctively you subconsciously seek to get knocked up buy the jerk with great genes (figure 3.0) and keep the sweet but stupid beau (figure 4.0) around to raise the snotty nosed brat.

(Figure 3.0) Kid's Daddy

Q: Me and my girls just want to go out in our freakum dresses and have a great time. Am I a total lesbo this week or are these guys fucking disgusting?

A: You're probably not a Lesbian. The male hormone Androgen literally repels women who are not at a high fertility level and attracts women who are. Yes, men are disgusting... But two weeks out of the month you love that about them. This too shall pass. So take his number tonight so you'll have a date next week in stead of another girls nigh, this time spent entirely by bitching about how horny you all are. Hold your nose, smile, and don't forget to back-up your blackberry.

Q: I have a huge crush on my friend and always goes on about how adorable I am. Last week we had a really special... hot... moment together during one of our "ANTM" marathon sleep-overs. But this week she's back with that hairy dumb meat head.

A: Studies show that women at their monthly reproductive peak prefer men with chiseled jaws, deep voices, and broad shoulders as these are key indicators of high testosterone levels at puberty which, in turn, is a strong indicator of virility and reproductive success. Surprisingly, the reverse is also true. When women's fertility is low they prefer softer, more feminine features in men. Basically, you are the semi-sexual platonic jump-off for when she's kinda in the mood but not really. I know, it kinda sucks. But with any luck you could be come the sweet boyfriend in Figure 2.0.

For more information see

Discovery Channel's "The Science Behind Sex Appeal"

For any questions not covered here, see ALCOHOL.

Silence Is Golden, Black and Tan: The Semi-Tragic Silencing of Justice Thomas

2011-02-23T20:30:00.000-08:00

Tight-liped as usual

Here's some Trivia to curl your noodle. (Hint: This one is a Black History Bonus!) What conservative Supreme Court Justice holds the record for the longest silence streak during verbal argument of a case in recent history? Why... it's Justice Clarence Thomas of course! This marks the fifth straight year in which Justice Thomas has been able sit in steely reserve while his colleagues engage in vigorous debate over the constitutional boundaries of our civil liberties.

Believe it or not, no other justice in the past forty years has gone an entire term let alone years without hearing him/herself speak. It's astonishing then that one ninth of the greatest living legal minds of our time routinely fails to speak it. Interestingly, Thomas' written opinions are often more than a mere summary of the details covered. It often raises new questions and issues not raised in discussion.. Therefore, lawyers before the court are often left lamenting the missed opportunity to challenge ideas never voiced. It's a pity that such a distinct viewpoint should go unexamined and unchallenged by peers before being permanently scribed as pillars of legal precedent.

Yet, in defense of his own muted thunder, Thomas has listed a number of causes for his tight lipped approach to influencing the future of a democracy.

Scalia stole his thought
He's insecure about his accent (no really)
He cant get a word in edge wise without being impolite
Everybody talks too damn much anyway

Incidentally, while no one with a fetus' level of frontal lobe development would agree with 99.99900009% of his views, we can all agree 110% that the voice of the nation is far more important than that of the self-proclaimed voice of the generation. So, I don't care if Thomas has to pull a Kanye when Taylor Swift is trying to neutralize a ticking time bomb while singing the national anthem at the Super Bowl. We need to know what this man is thinking even if it makes us wish he'd shut the hell up and read a book.

So, I propose a technological solution that will address all factors impeding Thomas' speech. Introducing.....

The Unconscious Neurology Communicator Loudly Explaining Thomas

(U.N.C.L.E. Tom)

The U.N.C.L.E. Tom is designed to read the neuro-waves of Justice Thomas' thoughts. It analyses these patterns for

Subject Relevance: So Thomas wont vocalize what he's considering for lunch
Psychological Dominance: The extent to which the thought is pressing or impassioned
Distinctiveness: The extent to which the thought is unique compared to others' statements
Black Perspectiveness: Since Thomas' record indicates that he only speaks when the case is race related, the U.N.C.L.E Tom system ensures that he only speaks on topics of his expertise

Once U.N.C.L.E Tom has discerned a thought that ranks a 7.5 or higher on at least three out of four categories, U.N.C.L.E. Tom scans all sound waves within human vocal range and waits for pauses.

.08 second lull in the speech of all white persons
,05 second lull in the speech of all conservative justices
.02 second lull in the speech of Scalia as that is the maximum length of time he can possibly be quiet

Finally, once the lull is established, U.N.C.L.E. Tom sends electro-shock waves to any other Justice who parts lips to speak except for Justice Thomas. Thereby, Justice Thomas' colleagues will be incapacitated so that Thomas is free to reveal unexplored terrain that will greatly influence the legacy of each legal matter the court addresses.

This product wont just increase the transparency of the Supreme Court System. It will also change Thomas' life. This man, for better or for worse, holds the most highly esteemed nearly sacred role in American government. Yes, it may have been difficult for young Thomas to be teased for his speech patterns while demonstrating a superior legal mind in the room full of white people. Yale Law school in '71 was such an alienating experience for a young black man that Thomas rarely spoke in class and was "intimidated by some of his classmates". How sad that the man destined to rise to the very pinnacle of his profession lacked the confidence even to speak among those who he would eventually surpass. It is an even greater travesty that this same man continues to silence himself at the detriment of his and our national legacy.

Thomas, you're a grown as man and the president is black. Don't you think it's time we head on over to manbey pambey land where maybe we can get some confidence for you, you jack wagon?

Tissue? Cry-Baby.

People Fear Catching New Flu Virus A-CASE

2011-02-03T03:06:00.000-08:00

Dudes trying not to catch A-Case

Fatalities associated with the recent outbreak of a new strain of the flu virus called A-CASE has climbed to 28 as new deaths are being reported in Detroit, Long Island, and Dallas. High infection rates within the labor force has forced many businesses to temporarily close their doors. Production of the newly developed A-CASE vaccine is falling behind schedule and chasing sky-rocketing demand as hundreds rush to hospitals and pharmacies clamoring for immunizations. Doctor's offices are flooded with calls and visits from patients reporting symptoms associated with A-CASE.

The surgeon general states that symptoms of A-Case are as follows:

A sensation like you're choking... a bitch
An eerie sense of calm following a fit of uncontrollable rage
Household items are broken or covered in bodily fluid or brain matter
Stabbing pains in someone else's stomach
Itchy trigger finger

If you experience even one of these symptoms please contact your doctor as you have caught A-CASE.The size of the epidemic is staggering. 1 in 8 American adults have caught A-CASE since the debilitating disease was discovered and recorded. The latest victim is 27 year old Madeline who caught A-CASE when her room-mate, Eve left her tampon in the toilet of Madeline's private bathroom, 1 of 2.5 bathrooms in their Philadelphia town-home.

"We fucking hated each other by this point so I had no clue why she should use my bathroom especially when she has her own less than 20 feet away.", Madeline told reporters.

Madeline, latest victim

Still, according to Madeline, the sight was disgusting but she did not contract the infection until Eve denied it saying "Why would I use your bathroom I have my own. Maybe you forgot you were on your period." It was in that moment that A-CASE infected her and quickly overtook her immune system. Madeline reported feeling the back of Eve's neck as she shoved Eve's ugly face in the toilet before flushing the red tinged toilet water and being immediately rushed to the hospital.

In a related story: disgruntled bio-chemist develops biological weapon and infects the water supply. All of his whiny neighbors contract "Abeatdown".

According to Madeline's physician Dr. Friendly, such an asinine response as that in a house occupied by only two women, would put anyone at risk for catching A-Case.

Other risk factors include:

Daily encounters with outrageously irritating people whose capacity for stupidity is beyond comprehension
Moderate to acute hyper-sensitivity of the bull-shit detection center of the brain
Association with ride-or-die friends who routinely offer to "beat a bitch's ass" when informed of someone's misdeeds

"Still," Dr. Friendly added, "there are ways of mediating your risk even without the wide availability of the new vaccine." In accordance with the public health advisory released at the on set of this epidemic, Dr. Friendly encourages people to take the following steps to protect themselves.

Protect Yourself From Catching A-CASE:

Wash your hands of unnecessary bullshit especially prior to meals when you have a lot on your plate as this is the number one carrier of the A-CASE virus
Follow safe sex practices and refrain from exchanging bodily fluids or dead skin flakes with assholes as A-CASE is a highly contagious STD
Know yourself, do not over-extend or over-estimate your patience, generosity, or tolerance for B.S. as this weakens immunities and heightens your chances of catching A-Case
If all else fails, as quickly as possible, Fuckit. Fuckit is the only anti-biotic for A-CASE which was successful in clinical trials

A-CASE does not discriminate by race, gender, or even disposition. People from all walks of life are catching A-CASE. So please, take care of yourself and those close to you. Don't catch A-CASE.

Studies Show: Your Ex Is Kind of a Big Deal

2011-02-01T19:45:00.000-08:00

http://www.popsci.com/files/imagecache/article_
image_large/files/articles/snob.gif

Exes the world over live and die by the misguided notion that they can pop and in and out of a person's life and be greeted like rain after a drought. Time and time again they find that the one they left for dead is actually breathing quite heavily as a result of vigorous fist pumping at the club and can't hear their annoying phone call. Shockingly, however, one by one the mended-hearted find that without their former mate's light in their lives, beaming from its proper position in the center of the universe, chaos actually is unleashed as the world spirals out of control. In fact, expert analysis of some of the greatest societal calamities in recent history can trace the factors leading to each collapse back to the gaping void left by one or another of God's Gifts to the Universe. For example, when the .Com Bubble burst in the 90's industry insiders called it the .Ron Bubble because the boom in the IT sector turned bust when Ron, a then successful web developer, IM'd his ex girlfriend with a spontaneous offer to "catch up, because he's been doing a lot of thinking lately" and was curtly rejected by way of an away message "Arnold surprised me with a trip to Hawaii! See ya in two weeks!". When his bubble burst, so did the global speculative investment market as E-business after E-business fell into rapid decline. Incidentallt, Ron often headed the design teams of the most important of these businesses and without his overinflated sense of confidence he could no longer muster the same creativity that informed his past record of consumer grabbing websites.

In a related story, the marital union of David and Angelina Simon holds the record of collecting the highest net value in wedding presents, gifts including high end luxury homes and cars as well as stock holdings in the world's leading technical, financial, and industrial corporations. That's because David, who hadn't spoken to Angelina for 3 months after her drunken make out session with his younger sister, finally forgave her when he realized that it was affecting her work as a key technical engineer working to prevent the pending Y2K disaster. He, like the captains of industry which filled the temple for his wedding, knew that Angelina's confidence was key to her successful reconfiguration of the supercomputers which governed the modern world. He proposed a few years later.

"She was frustrated, in the early development stage of something she called the I-Pod. She needed the extra ego boost to keep her motivated and I needed the money.", David explained his suddenly renewed commitment to her half-jokingly during his toast at the reception.

Most of these ego-maniac's more conciliatory counterparts are far less aware than David that their gesture of forgiveness has circumvented a series of events which would do large scale irreparable harm to life as we know it; nor do those who choose to leave their exes under the ax know that their self-liberating rejection of bullshit has plucked the first domino in a chain reaction that sends human civilization spiraling out of control as we careen at a hastened pace toward Armageddon. But some only learn too late.

"I don't know", Jessica mumbled through the pooling tears, slobber, and snot draining over her face during an interview from her cardboard box on 1st street in DC. "I guess it was the way he just through it out there, the whole making it work thing, as if he was doing me a favor. It was such a turn off. So.. I told him.... and I know this sounds crazy now, but I said: 'life goes on and so have I' and left him with the dinner bill. It felt so good at the time... but it was the biggest mistake of my life."

Her regret was shared by the world when Morgan Stanley failed.

"This was the first sign that what my friend had been saying for months was actually true."

Jessica's friend Melinda was the 2nd cousin of Sheila Bair, head of the FDIC. According to Melinda, Sheila was obsessed with stories of Jessica and Chad's relationship issues. "She was constantly asking if I thought Jessica would ever forgive Chad for sending her mom on an all expenses paid trip to fat camp so that he and Jessica could have some 'us' time' and I kept saying, that I wasn't sure.." Finally, Melinda couldn't help but ask, "Why do you care?". According to Melinda, Director Bair said, "if she loses interest in him, we'll lose interest in our bank accounts". This illogical connection perplexed Melinda, and her reaction was a stank face so twisted and wretched the the facial strain burst a capillary in her eye and gave her a migraine headache. Still, she implored Director Blair further.

"'The global financial system in hard wired to your boyfriend's ego!' , Melinda told Jessica repeatedly after he converstion with Blair. But Jessica would hear none of it. Jessica explained, "I could see the part about ego and performance but he's a car salesman."

Although she was warned ahead of time and remembered the warning when she read about the bank failure, Jessica still had doubts that the coming recession was related to the recent blow to Chad;s ego, or that the problems in the global economy could possibly snowball as they did. She offered this excuse during a congressional hearing but the well-seasoned politicians were not sympathetic. Politicians... and their spouses, are keenly aware of the complex connection between over-inflated egos and world events. That's why Hilary never left Bill, Jackie never left JFK...hell even Sally Hemmings told Harriet Tubman she'd catch the next train rather than leave Thomas Jefferson. These women knew better than anyone that the fate of the free world required that the Ego in Chief be stroked, by three or four if need be. Yet, the more nuanced aspects of the ego-cosmos connection eluded Jessica, much to the misfortune of the world.

We asked Dr. Carlos Ascott about his research on the subject.

According to Dr. Ascott, "There are two schools of thought regarding the study of Egonomics. The dominate school is the performance based model which assumes that because ego affects performance and performance affects outcomes, that a break down in ego constitution can only affect the direct contributory aspects of the ego host's domain: his trade, career, education etc. And this accounts for the overwhelming majority of psycho-social pathetic fallacies realized on the global scale. However, there is evidence of other more mysterious connections at play as well. -Enlarged egos are composed of 50% karma, they literally hold the fate of the world in their pompous deluded mass, hence the excessive girth. These egos are exceptional specimens. Their self-centeredness is an ontological fact. The very universe feeds on their pompous egotism like a natural resource. These people are beyond what we consider stuck up. Professionally speaking, there are narcissists and then.... there are Narcocotics, people whose self-absorbed bullshit is a drug the rest of the world is addicted to. When the ego is too damaged to produce the same high level of self-righteous crap it usually spews, the universe literally goes into withdrawal. This is what happened when Jessica left Chad, and his two inch dick, hanging. So, when Chad slumped into the BMW dealership that Monday, he not only failed to sell cars... he failed to sell the American dream. And that's what lead to the global economic collapse This is not my expert opinion, this is fact. Anyone with tweezers and a measuring stick stick can see for themselves."

In conclusion, the next time your idiot ex acts like he's the center of the universe, remember... he probably is. So please, act accordingly, The fate of all man kind depends on it.

The Death of American Journalism (And It's Reincarnation As Actual Journalism In The After-Life)

2011-01-31T22:38:00.000-08:00

If you've sat on your remote control and mistakenly tuned into your favorite cable news channel lately, then you missed the precise moment when Snooky keeled over prior to vomiting and you were forced to read just to figure out how she went from a happy go lucky girl just trying to untangle her g-string which got caught on some fist-pumping meat-head's zipper to a sloppy looking slut throwing up mid stride as she raced to the club's rancid bathroom. But luckily the reports where only a few characters long:

"@WasteOfBreath: omg Snooky just chased 3 back to back shots of tequila with a slice of ham and pineapple pizza."

"@GetALifeSoYouCanKillUrself Wow! She downed each shot and the pizza in one swallow and no hands. #Hot."

You also may have noticed a disturbing trend of hard hitting, in depth, news coverage of historic events of global import being aired during prime time television slots, easily accessible to impressionable minors and flanking messages from such prestigious institutions of American culture as GoDaddy and WeightWatchers. The anti-government uprisings of Egypt have cheapened a proud tradition of robust public dialogue on pressing issues like celebrity vagina flashing, hours long live coverage of renegade air balloons, and investigative reporting on what seemingly harmless, nutritious, and delicious vegetable is actually killing you now according to an unbiased scientific study funded by McDonald's GerberBaby Brand (R) line of minced Happy Meal food. Worse, this information is disseminated without sensationalism and the flashy graphics that make the noble pursuit of mankind's highest aspirations look like a Monster Truck Show.

The deterioration of public debate is infuriating. Exhausted from the onslaught of stimulating exploration of the complex implications recent events against a back drop of remarkable footage showing history in the making, I fled from CNN taking refuge at E only to be ambushed by Chelsea Lately offering her humorous, but sadly thoughtful take on... what else but... Egypt! And she was doing so well showing pictures of herself making out with a horse or pony or donkey or whatever that thing was. I feel I've been living in a cave that only receives live feeds of information which should should actually matter to me without any awareness of trivial happenings that give meaning to American life.

So, in a humble effort to combat the failing of mainstream media to pacify American viewers with the lowest common denominator of what can loosely be defined as news, I hereby offer the most pressing news story currently over-shadowed by something that didn't even happen in Hollywood or reality TV.

KEY DEVELOPMENTS

DURING EGYPTIAN PROTESTS

January 25, 2011-"Day of Anger"-...First protests staged across the country. 15,000 in Cairo's Tahir Sq.

Charlie Sheen gets bored!

January 26, 2011- Increasing violence. Protesters fired upon. A police officer killed.

Charlie Sheen buys a brick of cocaine

...stored in a designer suitcase!!

January 27, 2011- Muslim Brotherhood declared full support of protests but remain nominal players

Charlie Sheen gets horny!!!

January 28, 2011- "Friday of Anger"...Government shut down Internet and in some regions cellular phone use yet hundreds of thousands flooded from Mosques into the streets following Friday prayer.

Charlie Sheen invites a bunch of strippers over to party!!!!

January 29, 2011- 17 protesters were shot dead as they attempted an attack on a South Cairo police station

Charlie Sheen makes a very intimate 'independant film"

...with an all female cast!!!!!

January 30, 2011- President Mubarak asks party loyalist and chief of Air Staff chief of Air Staff Ahmed Shafiq to form a new government

Charlie Sheen is rushed to the hospital with a slight "hangover"!!!!!!

January 31, 2011- The army polices the streets to their relief of the public, and shows of force are kept to a minim.

Charlie Sheen checks into Rehab placing the future of his shinning contribution to America's cultural heritage, his hit sitcom "Two and A Half Men" in jeopardy!!!!!!!

There. Now you are finally caught up on everything that matters in the world. Til next time, stay classy America! Back to you, Bill.

*The events leading to Charlie Sheen's rehabilitation is scantly research, speculative, and inaccurate. American Journalism par excellance.