Dan Liebke Feeds

Welcome

Dan — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 11:40:00 +0000

Welcome to KittyWittgenstein.com, the home of all things Kitty Wittgenstein.

What you need to know:

I'm Kitty Wittgenstein. I'm a fictional supermodel philosopher created by Dan Liebke (here's the slightly longer version of why I became a philosopher and here's where I explain why I'm not ashamed to be fictional (and why you shouldn't be either))
My first novel, Kitty Wittgenstein and the Academy Award-Winning Werewolves is available on Amazon

The Not Particularly Secret Origin of Kitty Wittgenstein

Dan — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 16:02:00 +0000

(excerpt from Chapter Six of Kitty Wittgenstein and the Academy Award-Winning Werewolves)

One of the qualities I like best about myself is my ability to learn. That’s no accident. It seemed clear to me from a young age that a big problem was the sheer amount of things to discover. There was so much knowledge out there that it could take a lifetime to explore it all. Or even longer. That’s why the first thing I devoted myself to studying were memory skills and learning techniques. If I could double or perhaps even triple my rate of learning then I effectively multiplied my knowledge-seeking life span by the same amount.

By the age of fourteen, I’d spent five years reading and understanding as many learning and memory aids as possible. I fused the soundest principles into a single technique. This technique increased my learning capacity tenfold. I spent several months writing my first book about this technique and then studied marketing to become a minor celebrity in Australia. ‘The 15-year-old girl genius who makes learning a snap’ was what they called me. My famous surname didn’t hurt the marketing either

And nor, for that matter, did my rapidly developing body.

By the time I was sixteen, I’d made a number of magazine covers. A modelling agency had signed me and I agreed to some calendar and fashion shoots. Posing and emoting for the cameras was easy to grasp. And it gave me time to study and ponder more substantial matters. With my Enhanced Learning techniques, I could cram three years of learning into three or four months. By the time I was twenty-one I had the equivalent of twenty degrees’ worth of learning. The learning covered a wide variety of disciplines. To go with this, I had my successful modelling career. And by now, I also had an enthusiastic marketing team, headed by Liesel, who transformed my achievements into money.

After my twenty-first birthday, I became more specialised. Philosophy seemed the most fulfilling field for me. It was a field that contained the toughest, and most important, questions. That was enough for me. I was happy to dabble in other disciplines over the next seven years. But philosophy was from that day forward my true calling.

Of course, I followed this little potted biography up with a headbutt to some clown's testicles. But, hey, that's another story... (or, to be more precise, it's the next paragraph in the same story).

Kitty Wittgenstein and the Academy Award-Winning Werewolves at Amazon.com

kw — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 16:01:00 +0000

Now available: Kitty Wittgenstein and the Academy Award-Winning Werewolves available on Amazon.com for the Kindle™.

It costs less than a handful of your precious US dollars And we guarantee you won't read a finer ebook featuring a celebrity lycanthropy-battling supermodel philosopher this year. (Although, if you do, or, heck, even if you just don't like the story, all you have to do is email Dan with proof of purchase and he'll happily refund your money. Well, perhaps not happily. But he'll do it. You can't lose)

Don't have a Kindle? We can rectify that, too... Or you can just download the Kindle Reader for your PC

Why Superhero Comic Books Matter

Dan — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 13:06:00 +0000

Superhero comic books are a maligned and misunderstood art form. This is wrong. Superhero comic books matter. Here's why:

Superhero comic books seem to be a unique example of genre-medium lock-in.

What do I mean by that? I mean that the vast majority of superhero stories (ie the superhero genre) are to be found in the medium of comic books. And, equally, the vast majority of comic books feature superheroes.

No other genre is so dependent on one medium. No other medium is so dominated by one genre.

To be sure, there are exceptions. There are superhero movies and television shows and novels. There are comic books about things other than superheroes. But the tendency for the two to be related is so strong that the discussion of one aspect (eg superheroes) immediately brings to mind the other (ie comic books). And vice versa.

Why should this be? There is nothing inherent in the medium of comic books that requires the dominant genre to be superheroes. And there is nothing inherent about superhero stories that require comic books to be the medium of vastly preferred choice.

In his book Reinventing Comics, Scott McCloud tries to explain how this historical relationship came to be. He offers a reasonably compelling argument about the near-inevitability of the lock-in of genre to medium.

He even speculates that if history were to be rerun, then it may be a different genre that came to dominate the comic book medium. In other words, he doesn't consider the genre to be a relevant factor in this phenomenon. But that doesn't answer the question as to why the medium is a relevant factor. His argument can apply equally to books, magazines, movies, computer games and television. And none of these other media exhibit anything like this lock-in.

Television isn't dominated by vampire shows to the near-exclusion of everything else.

Movies aren't dominated by dystopic science-fiction to the near-exclusion of everything else.

Music isn't all ragtime. Books aren't all romance fiction. Magazines aren't all nudie mags.

So why are nearly all comic books about superheroes?

Does it matter? Isn't it just a historical oddity?

To answer the first question first. It does matter. All media have strengths and weaknesses, as do all genres. From a purely creative perspective, all media need to have their limits stretched. And, again, so do all genres. That is how great art is created. But the genre-medium lock-in of comic books and superheroes does both a disservice.

If television was dominated by vampire stories to the near-exclusion of everything else, then the medium of television would have been long abandoned by everybody but vampire fans. This wouldn't make Buffy any less of a triumph, but the only people who would be aware of it would be pre-existing fans of the genre. The genre couldn't grow its fanbase. And nor could the medium.

There are many fans of Buffy who would not have described themselves as vampire fans before the show. And who, indeed, might still not count themselves among that number. But in a world where television only showed vampire fiction and vampire fiction was only ever seen on television, then it would have been all-too-easy for potential fans to have been oblivious to its existence. Great works of art have the potential to exist in all genres, but genre-medium lock-in makes it too easy for a particular genre to be wholly dismissed and ignored.

And, equally, developments in the use of the locked-in medium are also likely to be missed by all but fans of the genre.

This is where comic book creators find themselves today. Great works of art are too easily ignored and sidelined. Overcoming a genre-medium lock-in is crucial to the future survival of both the genre and the medium.

Onto the second question: Is the comic book-superhero lock-in simply a historical oddity?

Almost certainly, yes. But what if it's not? What would that imply?

If McCloud's theory that economic constraints eventually force genre-medium lock-in is true, and given that it seems to be an argument not specific to comic books, how do we explain the vast number of different genres across the other media?

The only sane explanation would be that we've been too generous with our definition of genre. Maybe sitcoms, cop dramas, game shows and so forth don't deserve to be classified as television show genres unto themselves. Maybe they are all simple variations on one genre, a genre whose existence we don't even recognise, because it is the only genre on television.

Perhaps if artists were given freer reign to explore the medium of television, they could come up with 'shows' we can barely even contemplate today. "It's television, Jim, but not as we know it."

And, of course, the same is potentially true of the other media.

This is why superhero comic books matter. The overt nature of their genre-medium lock-in is an implicit challenge to artists everywhere to explore new frontiers, challenge fundamental assumptions and create innovative and great works of art across all media.

And, heck, why stop there? Because it's not just art that benefits from ongoing, regular re-examinations of its boundaries and its fundamental assumptions. Most of the great scientific breakthroughs have come from a similar challenge to the fundamentals that previous generations held to be self-evident, obvious, not worth even thinking about. This is, of course, the infamous 'paradigm shift'.

So an ongoing reminder to not make unfounded assumptions, and to stretch the boundaries of what has been done before and what is already known, is critical to the development of both art and science. Hence, such a reminder is critical to our development both as individuals and as a species as a whole. And, as we've seen, superhero comic books with their genre-medium lock-in are the best reminder we currently have available.

That's why superhero comic books matter.

Huh. And you just thought Batman was a badass.

On Being Fictional

Dan — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 10:49:00 +0000

For those of you unsure who, exactly, I am and what, precisely, all this 'fictional character' nonsense is all about, let's clarify:

My name is Kitty Wittgenstein. I'm a supermodel philosopher. And I'm fictional. My author's name is Dan Liebke. He's written two novels about me (The first, Kitty Wittgenstein and the Academy Award-Winning Werewolves, is already available on Amazon. The other, Kitty Wittgenstein and the Sinister Society of Southpaws, is allegedly Coming Soon™). He's also cobbled together a few short stories.

I've known of my fictional status since the adventure chronicled in the short story Kitty Wittgenstein and the Irredeemable Heroine Addicts (also Coming Soon™). It's not easy to come to terms with the idea that one's entire life is nothing more than a series of invented fantasies of a disturbed mind. But come to terms with it I have. The question is: Have you?

I'll let that question dangle provocatively for a moment and explain why I'm fully at ease with being fictional. Then we can return to why you should be too.

Reality is much, much bigger than most people think. Which is impressive, because most people think of reality as being infinite (it isn't, of course, but that's a discussion for another day). Reality is larger than most people suppose, because reality isn't just the one piddling universe in which you happen to live. Reality is a multiverse. An incomprehensible number of parallel universes, with every possible variation on reality imaginable and, I dare say, trillions of variations unimaginable.

The existence of parallel universes is not a mere hypothesis. It's a fact as grounded as any scientific fact can be. David Deutsch gives the best explanation of the evidence for parallel universes in his book The Fabric of Reality, for those of you who are interested in delving further.

But I didn't use the word 'incomprehensible' lightly a couple of paragraphs above. The number of parallel universes is enormous. A variation of one subatomic particle in the entire universe gives an entirely new parallel universe. When you consider the possible combinations of the possible variations of all the subatomic particles in the universe, the number of alternative universes becomes truly incomprehensible. While it's not infinite, the number of universes in the multiverse is so large it probably gives a better idea of infinity than infinity itself.

And, of course, nestled in this multiverse are universes where I am very much real. After all, there are universes to fit any history you can imagine. Which means, of course, there are other universes where you are fictional. And of course there are plenty of universes where both of us are fictional. Or neither of us.

So, y'know, don't go dismissing me just because I'm fictional. We're all fictional to some extent. In fact, you're far more likely to be fictional than 'real'.

Here's why: when you appear in one of these other universes as a work of fiction, your author in that particular universe doesn't detail every waking moment of your life (perhaps there are some universes where such overwhelming detail is considered the height of literature, but for the most part, authors tend to leave out irrelevant details). He may, for example, skip what you had for breakfast and jump straight to the post-breakfast car chase in which you are embroiled. And that's fine.

But here's the thing: by skipping the part where you had scrambled eggs for breakfast, that means the author is not just telling your story, he's also telling the story of a version of you that had toast and Vegemite™ for breakfast.

But, and here's the other thing, you will never be able to distinguish which one of you he's writing about.

So, there are a vast number of stories out there that are written about a version of you from a slightly different universe. But you can never know which ones. Because they've left out critical (but trivial) distinguishing details, these stories of the you-from-the-slightly-different-universe can be perfectly matched to you-from-this-universe.

In other words, the works of fiction in which you appear are not just the works of fiction in which you directly appear, but also the works of fiction where slight variations of you appear, but where those slight variations aren't recorded.

Ergo, there are far more works of fiction about you in the multiverse than there are versions of you.

Ergo, from a multiversal perspective, somebody is far more likely to know about you as a fictional character than as a real person.

Ergo, you're far more likely to be fictional than real. Sorry about that.

Philosophers and Supermodels Presents... Marisa Miller and Socrates

Dan — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 10:05:00 +0000

On each episode of my popular ABC television show Philosophers and Supermodels, I discussed a great philosopher with a leading supermodel. Here's an excerpt from the very first episode, which featured Socrates, The Founder of Moral Philosophy (~470BC to 399BC) and Marisa Miller, Sports Illustrated model (34D-23-35).

KW: Marisa, you've been studying the life and philosophy of Socrates. What are your impressions?

MM: Firstly, Socrates had, like, heaps of pressure on him.

KW: In what way?

MM: Well, there were all these other philosophers before him called the pre-Socratic philosophers. Y'know?

KW: Sure. Heroclitus, Pythagoras. A Zeno or two.

MM: Yeah. It was, like, they knew Socrates was coming and he was going to be this awesome philosopher and stuff. So when Socrates showed up, everybody must have been 'Okay, Socrates. Show us your philosophising.' That's a lot of pressure to put on a little kid. Especially from somebody like Pythagoras, who was probably not that good at philosophy but was just totally over everybody's head with his geometry and stuff.

KW: Um, yeah. That's actually not quite right. In fact, the pre-Socratic philosophers were only defined as such by modern day historians. At the time, they were all just philosophers. It was only the greatness of Socrates that, in retrospect, resulted in those before him being dubbed 'pre-Socratic'.

MM: Oh. (pause) Then I totally don't get it. Because Socrates isn't all that great. He's actually kinda lame. I thought he must have cracked under all the pressure

"I think it's pretty obvious
who is beautiful and who,
like, is unfortunate."

KW: What makes you think Socrates is lame?

MM: Because he totally didn't know anything. All he ever did was ask questions. "What is friendship?" "What is courage?" Stupid stuff like that.

KW: But that was precisely what was so great about Socrates. He questioned everything. He introduced into philosophy the notion that everything must be open to question.

MM: Yeah. But duh. I could have done that and been hailed as the founder of modern philosophy.

KW: If only he hadn't beaten you to it by two and a half thousand years.

MM: But you don't have to, like, come up with anything yourself. Just keep asking questions and make everyone else do all the hard thinking stuff.

KW: Isn't there a certain intellectual challenge to knowing which questions to ask?

MM: I dunno. "What is beauty?" That was one of his big ones. I think it's pretty obvious who is beautiful and who, like, is unfortunate.

KW: He was working in an era before supermodels.

MM: He must have been. But I still think he'd have, like, totally driven me mental with all the questions.

KW: Very likely, yes.

MM: That's probably why they killed him in the end. Every time somebody went to him to get some wisdom, he'd just come back with "What is wisdom?" or something equally dumb. "What is dumb?" "What is equality?" "What is driving someone completely bonkers to the point they have to sentence you to death?" He was like some out-of-control Ancient Greek Jeopardy contestant.

KW: He was actually executed for allegedly corrupting the minds of the young.

MM: "What is corruption?" "What is youth?" "What are minds?"

KW: Okay.

MM: "What is okay?" This is so easy.

KW: I think we get your point, Marisa.

MM: "What is the point?" "What is Marisa?"

KW: Marisa Miller. Thank you for the empty parroting.

MM: "What is empty parroting?"

KW: Precisely.

MM: No, seriously. What is it? Is it a toucan of some kind?

My Work Here Is Done

Dan — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 12:21:00 +0000

This blog was started in 2005, shortly after Australia lost the Ashes for the first time in over 11,000 years. It was, as the original tag line stated, a salute to 'the inevitable demise of the Australian cricket team'. The tag was later changed, as Little Captain Punter unveiled his true leadership skills, to 'the ongoing demise of the Australian cricket team'.

Now, with the Australian Test team losing the Ashes again and firmly ensconced in the mid-rankings, I feel as though the journey is complete.

We have chronicled Australia's descent into Test mediocrity (for, on this blog at least, Test cricket retains its primacy and ODI Champions Trophy victories and the like are disregarded). Now they'll either a) descend to Bangladesh-Zimbabwe-Windies levels, which would start to tip from funny to sad, b) maintain their current standards, which is boring or c) return to the top, which is even more boring.

So that's all. A little four year pocket of Little Captain Punter-led idiocy. That shall be this blog's legacy. I may come back with more posts in the future, if something particularly stupid strikes me. But I wouldn't bet on it.

So farewell Little Captain Punter. Goodbye Pupshark. Adios Mitchell's Johnson, House of Hilf and Peter Siddle In The Middle. Safe journey, Brett Scarecrow Lee. Get better soon, Mr Cricket. To Has-Been Haddin, Cryin' Shane Watson, Nathan 'Ho' Hauritz and all the rest, the best of luck to y'all. You're gonna need it.

And Jessica Bratich? I think I'll miss you most of all...

The Answer Was 'Peter Allen'

Dan — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 10:30:00 +0000

NEWSFLASH!

David Arquette's correct guess of Hugh Jackman's impersonated identity on Hugh Goes There has cost the station more than $20 million dollars in prize money.

As a consequence, station owner and local massage oil tycoon Ellen Degeneres has announced 100% cutbacks in all station expenses, including this blog.

2MB Community Radio - starting now!

The More Things Change...

Dan — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 12:24:00 +0000

In a changing world where Australia continues its predictable slide down the world cricketing ladder, it's good to know that, come the big tournaments, we can still rely on the Saffers to choke.

Thank you South Africa. Thank you for being you.

The Ten Million Dollar Man

Dan — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 09:51:00 +0000

The identity of Hugh Jackman's impersonation on the number one rating quiz show Hugh Goes There remains a mystery, with incorrect guesses this week driving the ever-doubling prize pool above the $10,000,000 mark (plus 524,288 free spinal adjustments - approximately thirty years of non-stop chiropracterisation).

Station owner and massage oil tycoon Ellen Degeneres has met with co-Mayors Affleck and Leoni in a 'last ditch' attempt to avoid financial meltdown.

"The council will do everything it can to support Ms Degeneres in this looming local financial crisis," said co-Mayor Leoni, while a bleary-eyed co-Mayor Affleck looked on. "If Ms Degeneres goes down, we all go down."

When asked for comment, 2MB Community Radio station manager and permanent guest-in-residence of Ms Degeneres, Portia De Rossi simply stated that she 'couldn't imagine' Ms Degeneres going down.

"Not in a million freakin' years."

2MB Community Radio - doublin' your entendre!

Huh?!?

Dan — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 10:45:00 +0000

According to the Telegraph, Little Captain Punter has described the tour of England as 'one of the most enjoyable of his career, despite skippering his side to an Ashes defeat for the second time'.

WTF? No, seriously. WTF? Punter now considers Ashes-losing a fundamental part of happy tour? He thinks this shambolic tour was more enjoyable than the time Steve Waugh led the team around the country, kicking Poms in the butt wherever they went, fielding nine slips in an ODI, smashing centuries all over the place despite being unable to walk and only letting the Poms have a consolation win when Gilchurch took over for a rain-disrupted Test? More enjoyable than the time Tubby chose to tour as a professional captain and brilliantly toyed with the Poms, letting them take a 1-0 lead after a couple of Tests before surging home with three consecutive Test wins?

And he's coming back in 2013? Time to settle in for an extended stay in the mid-rankings, I feel.

What do The Eyes of Katich have to say about Little Captain Punter's masochistic sense of fun?

Little Captain Punter. The Eyes of Katich have spoken and they deem thee Misguided In Your Sense Of Fun.

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

Dan — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 11:38:00 +0000

Tonight, on Tori's Spelling, 'Silent Letters: Is It Time For Their Voice To Be Heard?'

Regular host (and award-winning landscape gardener) Tori Spelling will conduct a phone poll on the standing of silent letters and whether or not they should be allowed to be spoken freely.

Callers are asked to 'Vote 'No' to condem-N silent letters to further suppression

or vote 'Yes' if you believe they've paid their de-B-t'.

2MB Community Radio - take your poll position

Doctor, Doctor, Give Me The News

Dan — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 09:23:00 +0000

Scandal at this year's Medical Practitioner of the Year Awards, as Dr Ioan Gruffudd's acceptance speech for 'Best Removal of a Wart, Verucca, Papula Or Other Prominent Skin Blemish In A Non-Anaesthetised Surgical Procedure' was interrupted by co-Mayor Ben Affleck.

"Not dissing you, Dr Gruff," said the co-Mayor. "But Dr Cross totally zapped a mole off my cheek in one of the greatest surgical procedures of all time." He then pointed to his right cheek and defied anybody to spot even 'the faintest remnants' of a scar.

Dr Cross later explained in her own acceptance speech ('Tidiest Operating Theatre') that the co-Mayor's mole had been on his left cheek and 'not his facial one either', which prompted a further unwelcome interruption by co-Mayor Affleck which, while confronting and eye-opening, did confirm the presence of a small scar.

The co-Mayor then celebrated by stage-diving into the nearest tables, spilling trout soup all over Dakota Fanning.

2MB Community Radio - plans to serve light beer next year.

Hear This, Hear This!

Dan — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 11:00:00 +0000

Local semi-retired architect Paul McCartney has reported that his new digitally-remastered hearing aid is 'frankly, a bit of a disappointment'.

"Sure," he said. "Everything sounds a lot clearer. Words are crisper. Sharper. More nuanced. But, let's face it, most people are still talking a lot of crap."

In related news, Madame Kidman's stint on breakfast radio has been extended yet again after regular host Jake Gylenhaal became covered in painful boils and welts. Still denying his show Fast! Break! is cursed, Mr Gylenhaal promises to return as soon as he can guarantee he won't ooze pus all over the broadcast console.

2MB Community Radio - take it easy, oozey

Australia Descends Into Test Mediocrity... Fifteen Months Ago

Dan — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 12:47:00 +0000

Australia beat the Poms in an ODI nobody cares about last night. Yawn. It still doesn't erase the fact they are now ranked Number Four on the Test Rankings. And, as we've discussed before, by 'now', I mean 'fifteen months ago', since that's the time lag the ICC ratings system works with.

So, what was the team that slumped to fourth in late May, 2008?

This one:

Phil 'Jaques on a Plane'

Simon 'Handbrake' Katich

Little Captain Punter

Mr Cricket

Michael 'Pupshark' Clarke

Andrew 'Roid' Symonds

Brad 'Has-Been' Haddin

Brett 'Scarecrow' Lee

Mitchell's Johnson

Stuart 'Don't Call Me Michael' Clark

SCG MacGill

No surprises there, surely. Three of this lot are seemingly gone forever/the foreseeable future (Jaques on a Plane, Roid Symonds and SCG MacGill). Two are in the frame but no certainties (Scarecrow and Stuey Clark). But the other six live on. Come on, Cricket Australia - let's dump the dead wood!

Time To Split

Dan — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 09:15:00 +0000

On this afternoon's edition of Kelsey's Grammar: Infinitives - To Boldly Split, Or Not?

With a side-discussion on the number of infinitives and why it is so totally not infinite.

Special guest: The surprise new host of upcoming spin-off show Tori's Spelling

2MB Community Radio - English, motherfreaker, do you speak it?

GUILTY!

Dan — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 14:19:00 +0000

On my previous blog post, I got a comment from Captain Carnage, one of the fine denizens over at the aptly-named We'll Have A Bowl Blog. His comment?

"Hmmm...we batted, bowled and fielded better...Sarfraz carried the drinks better...Hilditch reckons we selected better...us bloggers blogged better...there's only one conclusion that we can come to.

On the charge of poor captaincy, I hereby find you, R. Ponting...GUILTY!!!"

This verdict, of course, immdiately reminded me of the scene in Superman where Jor-El (step-great-uncle of Morne Mork-El and his brother Albie Mork-El) sentenced General Zod. And so, a quick dash of Photoshop later...

GUILTY!

Ashes '09 Analysis

Dan — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 09:32:00 +0000

An alert analysis from an alert fan:

This is my analysis of The Ashes series (by my stats) and Punter’s influence as captain:
Australia had 6 of the top 7 batsmen in the series.
Australia had 6 batsmen average 40 or more in the series. England had 2 and one of them was Trott who played one test.
Australia scored nearly 150 more runs than England did in the series.
Australia had the top 3 wicket takers in the series and took 12 wickets more than England did in the Series.
Australia had the 2 highest scoring batting innings in the series (6/674 dec and 445) and England had the worst batting innings (102) in the series.
Australia had 4 of the top 5 catchers in the field. And Haddin took more dismissals behind the stumps than Prior (despite playing one less test).
Yet, despite all of this we lost the series… Now, if we batted, bowled and fielded better both individually and as a team, then what other factor can be attributed to a series loss…

Astute stuff. Is it no wonder that there was a recent question on 'Yahoo! Answers' about burning effigies of Ponting? The question's since been deleted (or burnt in effigy?!? You decide), but still...

Panic Station

Dan — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 10:59:00 +0000

Station manager and permanent guest-in-residence of station owner and massage oil tycoon Ellen Degeneres, Portia De Rossi has urged on-air talent 'not to panic' over Hugh Jackman's recent rogue behaviour.

"Yes," she said. "Hugh has refused to reveal the identity of his impersonation (on his smash hit show Hugh Goes There?) to the board. And, yes, the prize pool for the first caller to guess the identity is now $655,360 (plus 32,768 free spinal adjustments) and doubling every week. Obviously, this is putting an enormous strain on the financial viability of the station. However, we remain confident that somebody will guess Hugh's identity soon and the business of running this radio station will return to normal. Until then, however, we are announcing an immediate wage cutback of 150%."

Ms De Rossi then passed the bucket around, yielding a 'disappointing' $4.50 and a half-packet of M&M™s.

2MB Community Radio - Don't Panic (see previous post)

Ashes Fact Time!

Dan — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 13:19:00 +0000

Sure, we can continue to go on about Little Captain Punter. And we will. My word, we will.

But not this day.

This day, I thought I'd instead offer up a thrilling Ashes stat, which I guarantee has not been revealed elsewhere:

Jonathan Trott was the first Ashes centurion whose surname is one spelling mistake from a type of horse's gait since Graham Yallop!

One for the record books, certainly.

What do you think of this thrilling piece of trivia, Ashes Obscure Fact Gatherer and Amateur Equestrian Jessica Bratich?

Boy, you said it, Jessica. Yowsers, indeed.

The Words No Australian Cricket Fan Wanted To Hear...

Dan — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 08:21:00 +0000

Ricky Ponting, having lost the Ashes for a second time:

"With us losing here I might even see if I can make it back here for
one more go."

Why do you hate Australian cricket so, Little Captain Punter?

England v Australia, Fifth Test, Day Three

Dan — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 11:15:00 +0000

England v Australia, 3rd Innings, The Oval, Day Three, Stumps

England 332 & 373/9d
Australia 160 & 80/0

Australia 2nd Innings

Cryin' Shane Watson not out 31
Simon 'Handbrake' Katich not out 42

Extras (b 4, lb 1, nb 2) 7

Total (20 overs, 0 wickets) 80

Australia only need 466 runs to win. Knowing Little Captain Punter's captaincy skills, they'll probably cruise to 544/3 tomorrow before he inexplicably declares. What a goose.

While My Dirk Gently Weeps

Dan — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 15:37:00 +0000

Last night on Brooke's Books, your regular host and local Deputy Librarian Brooke Burke discussed the Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy Trilogy In Five Parts by Douglas Adams. She was joined by Constable Michael Rourke, who, in between remarking how he could 'never get the hang of Thursdays' and reassuring everybody he knew where his towel was, also stressed to local teens that, while it may be fine elsewhere in the universe, 'thumbing a ride' in this town would earn you a one-way trip to 'the crowbar hotel'.

"And you don't need a brain the size of a planet to know that," he concluded, before spoiling it all with a final, wayward 'live long and prosper'.

2MB Community Radio - finds this all very improbable

England v Australia, Fifth Test, Day Two

Dan — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 15:19:00 +0000

England v Australia, 3rd Innings, The Oval, Day Two, Stumps

England 332 & 58/3
Australia 160

England 2nd Innings

Johann Strauss not out 32
Captain Cook c Pupshark b Magnetic Marcus North 9
Ding Dong Bell c Simon 'Handbrake' Katich b Mitchell's Johnson 4
Paul Collingwood, MBE c Simon 'Handbrake' Katich b Mitchell's Johnson 1
'Hot To' Trott not out 8

Extras (b 1, w 1, nb 2) 4

Total (3 wickets, 28 overs) 58

Well, barring monsoons or other similar acts of God, the Poms will reclaim the Ashes either tomorrow or the next day, thus cementing Little Captain Punter's place in history. Many will say this was the day that cost Australia the Ashes.

Me, I'm still looking at that last evening in Cardiff.

England v Australia, Fifth Test, Day One

Dan — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 16:51:00 +0000

England v Australia, 1st Innings, The Oval, Day One, Stumps

England 307/8

England 1st Innings

Johann Strauss c Has-Been Haddin, b The House of Hilf 55
Captain Cook c Little Captain Punter, b Siddle In The Middle 10
Ding Dong Bell b Siddle In The Middle 72
Paul Collingwood, MBE c Mr Cricket b Siddle In The Middle 24
'Hot To' Trott run out like an idiot 41
Matt 'Richard' Prior c Cryin' Shane Watson b Mitchell's Johnson 18
Fred c Has-Been Haddin b Mitchell's Johnson 7
Stuart Bored not out 26
The Ugly Duckling c Has-Been Haddin b Siddle In The Middle 18

Extras (b 12, lb 4, w 3, nb 17) 36

Total (8 wickets, 85,3 overs) 307

Huh. Peter Siddle In The Middle comes good. And here I was, advocating for him to be replaced by Brett 'Scarecrow' Lee for this Test. Good thing I'm not a selector, huh?

OTOH, I would have had Stuart 'Don't Call Me Michael' Clark in the side from the First Test. So I'm not a complete fool.

Return of the Scarecrow

Dan — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 09:41:00 +0000

Supercoach Tim Nielsen has suggested that Brett 'Scarecrow' Lee might make a stunning return for the fifth, final, Ashes-deciding Test. Why?

Well, because Australia only need a draw to retain the Ashes and so plan to stack their batting and, according to recent research, the Scarecrow is the eight-best lower order batsman of all time.

Number one?

Mitchell's Johnson - the Bradman of tail-enders.

What do you make of that, Team Lower Order Batting Coach Bratich?

Exactly.

Who(m) Cares?

Dan — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 12:09:00 +0000

Tonight on Kelsey's Grammar, 'If We Have Both Who and Whom, Why In Blazes Can't We Have Whym?'

Tune in from 9:30 pm for spirited and grammatically sound debate.

2MB Community Radio - mmmmmmm

Not Good Enough, Stu

Dan — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 12:07:00 +0000

So Andrew Hilditch has explained that Stuart 'Don't Call Me Michael' Clark is no certainty to play in the deciding Ashes Test, with the other three quicks (Mitchell's Johnson, Peter Siddle In The Middle and The House of Hilf) all ranked above him. Why? He explains in this article:

"Although they've probably taken a bit of time to hit their straps, the reality is all three are now the leading wicket-takers in the Ashes, so I think all those selections have been absolutely spot-on," Hilditch said.

So, y'see, Stuey. If you'd just taken 16 wickets in the Fourth Test, you'd have a chance of being ranked a little higher. Lift your game, Stu.

Copping A Caine-ing

Dan — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 09:52:00 +0000

Local osteopath Heather Mills of 'Twist and Shout Osteopathy' has urged townfolk to 'be much more methodical' in their ongoing attempts to unravel the local personality who Hugh Jackman is impersonating on his massively successful game show Hugh Goes There.

"There's a lot at stake," said Ms Mills. "If his identity isn't unravelled this week, I'm up to 4096 free spinal adjustments [as her part of the prize pool]. That's one a day for more than the next ten years! And I swear, if I hear one more caller guess Michael Caine [of Caine Family Butchers], I'll go mental. He sounds nothing like Michael. Nothing at all. Get with the program, people!"

In related news, semi-retired local architect Paul McCartney has vowed to 'just keep on guessing Michael Caine until Hugh admits that's who he's doing. Or until Heather's forced to perform free spinal adjustments every minute of every day for the rest of her life. Whichever comes first'.

2MB Community Radio - would recognise that Cockney accent anywhere

England v Australia, Fourth Test, Day Two

Dan — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 15:49:00 +0000

England v Australia, 3rdd Innings, Headingley, Day Two, Stumps

England 102 & 82/5
Australia 445

England 2nd Innings

Johann Strauss lbw The House of Hilf 32

Captain Cook c Has-Been Haddin b Mitchell's Johnson 30

The Big Bopara lbw The House of Hilf 0

Ding Dong Bell c Little Captain Punter b Mitchell's Johnson 3

Paul Collingwood, MBE lbw Mitchell's Johnson 4

James Christian Anderson not out 0

Matt 'Richard' Prior not out 4

Extras (lb 3, nb 6) 9

Total (5 wickets, 32 overs) 82

Let's assume that Little Captain Punter fails to bollocks this up and that the Australians go to the final Test 1-1. Foolish, perhaps, to underestimate the Australian captain. But I'm in a foolish mood.

Presumably there will be much joy from the Aussies in keeping the series alive for the final Test. But not from me. Because, let me remind you once more, Little Captain Punter. If you'd used your attack properly in Cardiff, the Ashes would be over, man. Your team would be 2-1 up and that would be emphatically that.

This is not a triumph. This is just a grim reminder of previous foolishness.

England v Australia, Fourth Test, Day One

Dan — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 10:09:00 +0000

England v Australia, 2nd Innings, Headingley, Day One, Stumps

England 102
Australia 196/4

Australia 1st Innings

Cryin' Shane Watson lbw Mr Lily Allen 51
Simon 'Handbrake' Katich c The Big Bopara b Harmison 0
Little Captain Punter lbw Broad 78
Mr Cricket lbw Broad 10
Michael 'Pupshark' Clarke not out 34
Magnetic Marcus North not out 7

Extras (b 9, lb 3, w 2, nb 2) 16

Total (47 overs, 4 wickets) 196

Wow! The 90's Poms are back. And not a moment too soon. But, seeing as we still have the '09 Aussies, the game's not over yet.

Clearest sign we are no longer witnessing the great Australian teams of the past: Little Captain Punter giving Johann Strauss permission to delay the toss by ten minutes so they could check on the back of Matt 'Richard' Prior. In the old days, the Aussies would have denied permission and if the Poms complained, saying 'but we let you replace Haddin last game', there would have been laughing and snickering and 'aren't you guys idiots, then?'.

Remember, Little Captain Punter. The entire cricketing world thinks the Australian cricket team are the world's biggest douchebags. There's no point trying to prove otherwise. Make the most of it, man!

Bonus Question of the Day: How on Earth will the selectors justify not selecting Stuart 'Don't Call Me Michael' Clark for the first three Tests of the series? Show your working.

Catfight!

Dan — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 09:34:00 +0000

NEWSFLASH!

Mediators have been called in to resolve the latest flare-up between Dakota Fanning and Abigail Breslin, which erupted during the call-in section of One Hundred Minutes With Rick Moranis last night during what was supposed to be a discussion over the new synagogue seating commissioned by Rabbi Gibson.

Miss Fanning claimed that Miss Breslin had deliberately sullied her good name with malicious comments during the first episode of her new show A Currency Affair. Miss Breslin denies the claims, pointing out that the only thing she'd ridiculed during her show was a pataca-florin currency swap.

"Exactly," said an enraged Miss Fanning. "Read between the lines. 'Pataca Florin'. 'Dakota Fanning'. It's virtually the same thing."

While both station management and Constable Rourke agree that Miss Fanning may well have 'gone off the deep end' with this complaint, they also can't disguise its awesome ratings potential. The girls will therefore debate the matter on a special episode of Tenacious D-Bate tonight from 8pm. Don't miss it!

2MB Community Radio - still wondering how one could describe the 'pataca-florin' currency exchange as a 'stuck up little bitch who has no friends and who is failing math.'

England v Australia, Day Four

Dan — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 10:21:00 +0000

England v Australia, 3rd Innings, Edgbaston, Day Four, Stumps

Australia 263 & 88/2
England 376

Australia 2nd Innings

Cryin' Shane Watson not out 34
Simon 'Handbrake' Katich c Richard Prior b The Ghost of Onions 26
Little Captain Punter b The Ugly Duckling 5
Mr Cricket not out 18

Extras (b 4, nb 1) 5

Total (2 wickets, 28 overs) 88

After the rest day yesterday, it would take a complete, colossal breakdown on the Australian batsmen's part for the Poms to win.

So, expect the English lads to knock off the required runs shortly after tea.

England v Australia, Third Test, Day Two

Dan — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 13:50:00 +0000

England v Australia, 2nd Innings, Edgbaston, Day Two, Stumps

Australia 263
England 116/2

England 1st Innings

Andrew 'Johann' Strauss not out 64
Captain Alastair Cook c Nanoo Manou b Siddle In The Middle 0
The Big Bopara b The House of Hilf 23
Ding Dong Bell not out 26

Extras (lb 1, nb 2) 3

Total (36 overs, 2 wickets) 116

Looks like the Poms took yesterday's advice, throwing the ball to The Ghost of Graham Onions. That worked well for them.

So today's advice for the Aussies is this - build a time machine, go back to Cardiff and finish the Poms off. Because at 1-1, the threat of washouts of the next couple of Tests is no biggie. At 1-0 down, we're firmly in Ashes '05 territory.

Ancient Greece's Got Talents

Dan — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 10:19:00 +0000

With the fallout from Hugh Jackman's identity-guessing quiz show Hugh Goes There reaching worrisome levels (now $40,960 and 2048 free spinal manipulation sessions at Twist and Shout Osteopathy for the first person to guess who Hugh is impersonating), 2MB Community Radio has rushed into production a thrilling new quiz show A Currency Affair.

The new show, hosted by local mathematical whiz-kid Abigail Breslin, challenges listeners to come up with optimal currency swaps on the international markets. Winners get an authentic 2MB Community Radio cap and the self-satisfaction of knowing that the station stays on the air for another few hours.

On tonight's opening show - a Macanese pataca-Aruban florin swap!

2MB Community Radio - keepin' it (Cambodian) riel!

England v Australia, Third Test, Day One

Dan — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 18:23:00 +0000

England v Australia, 1st Innings, Edgbaston, Day One, Stumps

Australia 126/1

Australia 1st Innings

Cryin' Shane Watson not out 62
Simon 'Handbrake' Katich lbw The Ugly Duckling 46
Little Captain Punter not out 17

Extras (lb 1) 1

Total (1 wicket, 30 overs) 126

The Ugly Duckling has admitted that the England bowling squad don't know how to bowl to Cryin' Shane Watson. May I suggest opening the second day's bowilng with a ghost?

Why Ricky Ponting is the anti-Steve Waugh

Dan — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 08:48:00 +0000

There are two ways one can be an awesome captain of a cricketing side:

You can be a tactician
You can be a strategist

I shall elaborate, because, heck, it ain't much of a post if I end it there.

A tactician is somebody who wields his captaincy skills within the game. A brilliant bowling change. A challenging declaration. An unexpected reshuffling of the batting order. A tactical captain excels in these areas.

A strategist wields his captaincy skills outside the game. A strategist inspires his players. He brings out the very best in them (for, unlike the rest of us, it is not enough for professional athletes to do their jobs simply because they are being paid lots of money. No, they must be in the right headspace to perform. This is why there are sports psychologists, but not, y'know, accountant psychologists). A strategist will talk his players up. Will talk the opposition down. Will bond the team. His players will follow him everywhere and play at their peak.

A captain can, of course, blend these abilities, but such an uber-god is rare. Generally, the great captains excel primarily in one area or the other.

Of Australia's pre-Ponting captains, Mark Taylor was a tactician. Steve Waugh was a strategist.

Little Captain Punter is, alas, neither.

We've already seen how he falls apart in the tactician stakes - see Cardiff two Tests ago and the decision to bowl Mitchell's Johnson long after he'd fallen to pieces. Or give Magnetic Marcus North the final few overs at the last batsmen in, while leaving The House of Hilf standing in the outfield, picking his nose. This is one of many examples. No, Little Captain Punter is no tactician.

But he's no strategist, either. He doesn't bring out the best in his players. In fact, he brings out the very worst. Would Steve Waugh have put up with Johnson's bowling performances so far? Would he have put up with Dizzy Gillespie's in 2005? You can argue that Little Captain Punter has a weaker team than Steve Waugh did, but that's wrong on two counts:

Before Steve Waugh wielded his 'I believe in you' mojo, most people considered Matt 'The Pillock' Hayden's game unsuitable for Test cricket. Similarly, for Justin 'The Gnome' Langer. Steve Waugh didn't inherit a team of greats - he built a team of greats (or 8/11 of it, anyway, I'll return to Warne, McGrath and Gilchrist in point 2). Little Captain Punter is building a team of grapefruits.
The three exceptions alluded to above are Warne, McGrath and Gilchrist who would all make Australia's greatest team ever. Any captain with those three in it has an advantage he can't possibly claim credit for. And yet Taylor, Waugh and Ponting had all three of them at some point in their captaincy. (Okay, Taylor didn't have Gilchrist - but he did have Steve Waugh himself in the peak of his batting career. And what people may not remember is this - when Steve Waugh was at his batting peak in the mid-90's, he was officially rated a better batsman than Lara and Tendulkar, two undeniable all-time greats. A Steve Waugh at his batting peak just about balances out a lack of a Gilchrist)

So the three captains are just about comparable over the time period when those champion players were available. And what did they do? Taylor dragged Australia to the top of the Test-playing tree. Waugh built a team that ruthlessly crushed just about everything that confronted it (exception: those plucky Indians), in the process, making himself obsolete (not much point being known as the batsman who comes to the rescue at 50/3 once you build a team that tends to lose its third wicket at 300-odd. It's no coincidence that Steve Waugh's career-saving innings at Sydney came about when the team suffered a rare top-order collapse).

And what did Little Captain Punter do when he had those three champions in his team? Why, he went to England and couldn't inspire them sufficiently to retain the Ashes. It wasn't a lack of ability that cost the Ashes - that was shown fifteen months later when, pissed off and self-motivated, they got their shit together and crushed the Poms 5-0. Yes, there are other factors. The strength of the England team on the two occasions and the home ground advantage being the main two. But they don't explain such an enormous turnaround.

Steve Waugh inspired good (but obviously idiotic) players to want to run through brick walls for him and, in the process, they became near-great players. He inspired his great players to crush anybody who dared face them and only the occasional superhuman individual performances could stop them.

Little Captain Punter inspires his good players to descend into shadows of their former selves. And the only way he could get his great players into 'crush the opposition' mode was by leading them to a humiliating defeat.

That's why Little Captain Punter is no strategist, neither.

And that's why Little Captain Punter is the anti-Steve Waugh.

Health Hath No Fury

Dan — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 12:04:00 +0000

On tonight's episode of Tenacious D-Bate, your regular host and local fishmonger Jack Black will host a three-pronged debate on town health. On one prong will be local physicians Dr Ioan Gruffudd and Dr Marcia Cross, who will be arguing that Co-Mayor Leoni's 'Apple A Day' policy is no substitute for regular, semi-reasonably priced visits to one's trained medical specialist.

Countering this will be Heather Graham, sole proprietor of the 'Fruit and Vege(on your)table' store who thinks this initiative is a boon to the community and a valuable boost to the bottom line, especially following the failure of her most recent attempts to relaunch her radio career (Heather Meets Graham and Where Oh Where Is My Underwear?). She'll be joined by Madame Kidman who argues that Mother Earth is the source of all wellness. But not 'the well of all sauciness'.

The final prong in this triple debate will be local pharmaceutical representative Tom Cruise, who argues that a perfectly mixed cocktail of vitamin supplements and bio-enhancement exo-pills will instantly render all one's health problems obsolete. He will be joined by Bryan Brown (of Bryan Brown's Small Business Hour, here on 2MB Community Radio, Saturdays at 2pm) for an impromptu, yet highly choregraphed, demonstration of optimal cocktail-mixing techniques.

2MB Community Radio - for goodness sake

What's The Problem?

Dan — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 12:08:00 +0000

So much cricketing goodness - so few cricket blogs.

First things first, KP's out of the rest of the Ashes series. Nobody seems to know what to make of this, whether it's good news or whether it's bad news. So I shan't bother to try either. But if was forced to ask, I reckon he's just afeared of becoming Nathan 'Ho' Hautitz's bunny. And, honestly, who wouldn't be?

The next most important thing is the cause of the Australian team's failings. Here are some theories:

Cryin' Shane Watson thinks it's because the Aussies aren't allowed to sledge. That's certainly an issue, but might be taken more seriously if it wasn't coming from a man afraid of ghosts.
Swine flu!! Travelling journalists have the disease. How many cricketers do too??
Mitchell Johnson's wrist! Geoff Lawson doesn't like its angle. Oh, Henry, of all the protractor-wielders out there, you'd be the first I'd turn to.

Here's what's not to blame:

Mitch's mum. Honestly. She said so. But she still hates his 'whore of a fiancee'.

But enough of all those problems and my attempts to solve them. Let's hear from a real expert on the subject:

Vowel Movements

Dan — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 13:59:00 +0000

Jake Gylenhaal, resident wit on I'm Sorry, I Don't Know How To Improvise, and the host of the all-new breakfast show Fast! Break! has laughed off suggestions that town psychic Madame Kidman's infamous curse on her timeslot replacement has taken hold.

"Hnftl," said Mr Gylenhaal. "Thz tng wltz cd hv cb frb nywrrrr."

(Translation: Honestly, these tongue welts could have come from anywhere)

Despite Mr Gylenhaal's upbeat attitude and all-round pluck, however, station management has put Fast! Break! on hiatus, 'just until the swelling goes down'. Also, they have asked local physician Dr Ioan Gruffud to confirm, 'for certain' that the blemishes on Mr Gylenhaal's skin are not a precursor to him turning into a frog.

Madame Kidman's infamous predictive traffic tarot reports will return tomorrow, from 6 am.

2MB Community Radio - coises!

Ricky Ponting's Shame File

Dan — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 12:34:00 +0000

As uber-accurately predicted yesterday, the Poms wrapped up the match around lunchtime yesterday.

But we hold back my promised thesis on Little Captain Punter as the anti-Steve Waugh to present, via email, a loyal blog reader's well-researched Ricky Ponting Shame File:

"Punter notches another impressive record to his belt. The first Australian to lose a test at Lords since 1408. It's quite the highlight reel:
First one day loss to Bangles
Almost first Test defeat to Bangles until a Dizzy double ton saved the day
First Ashes series loss in 20 years (that's 2005, coming soon... the sequel: Ashes 2009 - Just when you thought it was safe to sledge the Poms)
Worst coin toss decision in the history of cricket (again, 2005 Ashes... Now, let's see, the best fast bowler in the world has just been ruled out at the last minute, how can I restore order to my bowling line-up...)
Highest one-day innings of all time (record held for about 4 hours)
Highest one-day innings conceded of all time
Helped Mick Lewis achieve similar stats in the bowling arena
Best hissy fit ever at 2005 Ashes series (followed by 2006-7, 2009 series)
Fastest exit from a Twenty20 tournament
I'm sure there's others in there and the list continues to grow..."

Shame, Little Captain Punter, shame. I'd put the Eyes of Katich in here to condemn thee, but it barely seems adequate.

England v Australia, 2nd Test, Day Four

Dan — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 10:34:00 +0000

England v Australia, 4th Innings, Lords, Day Four, Stumps

England 425 & 311/6d
Australia 215 & 313/5

Australia 2nd Innings

Flashy Phil Hughes c Johann Strauss b Fred 17

Simon 'Handbrake' Katich c KP b Fred 6

Little Captain Punter b Broad 38

Mr Cricket c Paul Collingwood MBE, b The Ugly Duckling 27

Pupshark not out 125

Magnetic Marcus North b The Ugly Duckling 6

Has-Been Haddin not out 80

Extras (b 4, lb 6, nb 4) 14

Total (5 wickets, 86 overs) 313

Hey, remember when Mr Cricket averaged 80-odd?

No. Me neither.

A bit of talk of Australia having a sniff of victory. But, no. Sometime around lunch tomorrow, the Poms will take a 1-0 lead and at that point, I will offer my thesis on why Little Captain Punter is the anti-Steve Waugh.

England v Australia, Second Test, Day Three

Dan — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 14:46:00 +0000

England v Australia, 3rd Innings, Lords, Day Three, Stumps

England 425 & 311/6
Australia 215

England 2nd Innings

Johann Strauss c Pupshark b Ho Hauritz 32
Captain Cook lbw b Ho Hauritz 32
The Big Bopara c Simon 'Handbrake' Katich b Ho Hauritz 27
KP c Has-Been Haddin b Siddle in the Middle 44
Sir Paul Collingwood c Has-Been Haddin b Siddle in the Middle 54

Richard Prior run out 30
Fred not out 30

Extras (b 16, lb 9, w 1, nb 5) 31

Total (6 wickets, 71.2 overs) 311

Well, my second option yesterday as to how the fundamental forces of nature would prevent the cosmic inconsistency of a Lords defeat to Australia was 'inept England captaincy'.

So, thanks, Johann Strauss for enforcing the follow-on. That certainly qualifies. MIghtn't save the Aussies on its own, but heck, it certainly helps.

What did you think of the England skipper's decision to make the Aussies bat again, Team Taking The Foot Off The Throat Specialist Jessica Bratich?

Perfectly analysed as ever.

England v Australia, Second Test, Day Two

Dan — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 10:24:00 +0000

England v Australia, 2nd Innings, Lords, Day Two, Stumps

England 425
Australia 156/8

Australia 1st Innings

Flashy Phil Hughes c Richard Prior b Hans Christian Anderson 4
Simon 'Handbrake' Katich c Broad b Cheese & Onions 48
Little Captain Punter c Johann Strauss b Hans Christian Anderson 2

Mr Cricket b Fred 51

Pupshark c Captain Cook b Hans Christian Anderson 1

Magnetic Marcus North b Hans Christian Anderson 0

Has-Been Haddin c Captain Cook b Broad 28

Mitchell's Johnson c Captain Cook b Broad 4

Ho Hauritz not out 3

Peter Siddle In The Middle not out 3

Extras (b 4, lb 6, nb 2) 12

Total (8 wickets, 49 overs) 156

So, y'see, Little Captain Punter. This is why, when you're on top in a Test (eg the previous one), you don't fart-arse about with Magnetic Marcus North and the waywardness of Mitchell's Johnson. You win the goddamn game. Because it's too much to expect your useless batting lineup to perform for two innings in a row.

Luckily, it's scientifically proven that Australia can't lose at Lords. So I expect that Australia will be saved by either (in decreasing order of likelihood) a) rain, b) inept England captaincy, c) a brilliant lower order counter attack by Ho, Siddle in the Middle and The House of Hilf, d) killer bees.

Andrew Flintoff Retires

Dan — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 11:24:00 +0000

You probably haven't heard about this since it's been kept totally hush-hush, but apparently Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff will retire after the Ashes series.

Does this mean that Flintoff wannabe Cryin' Shane Watson will follow his idol's lead?

Fingers wholeheartedly crossed.

Hugh Are You?

Dan — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 10:39:00 +0000

The cash prize pool for the town's favourite game show Hugh Goes There has now reached an amazing $10,240 (plus 512 free spinal manipulation sessions at Twist and Shout Osteopathy).

Local real estate appraiser and man of one hundred and forty-four voices Hugh Jackman continues to baffle the entire town with his mystery impersonation of a community personality. Can you guess who Hugh is doing? Or will the prize pool double once more?

In related news, Naomi's What? has been cancelled, following revelations that her 'mystery object' had to be put down after an erroneous worming tablet mishap. David Arquette apologises to all fans of the program, but argues that he couldn't 'possibly have known that the tentacles would react in that way'.

2MB Community Radio - gross

There Must Be An Angel

Dan — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 17:00:00 +0000

STATION ANNOUNCEMENT

BUSINESS FOR SALE: Farrah's Faucets - would suit up and coming plumber's apprentice. All reasonable offers considered.

2MB Community Radio - tap-a tap-a tap-a

Blum-in Heck!

Dan — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 13:39:00 +0000

Amy Sedaris, host of 2MB Community Radio's regular gossip segment So Said Sedaris (every hour, on the hour after the composting recap), has apologised to Mr Jeff Goldblum, a local helium balloon designer, for reporting that he had fallen off a cliff while holidaying in New Zealand last week.

"It was completely untrue," said Ms Sedaris. "A grave mistake on my part. I should have checked my sources before just blurting out the rumour on air. I've spoken to Mr Goldblum and he's confirmed that he wasn't even in New Zealand at the time and, if he had been, he'd certainly have been nowhere near a cliff. And, even if he was, he has an uncannily stable centre of gravity for such a tall man and would never fall. And, even if he did, the helium balloons..."

Ms Sedaris also revealed that she'd apologised to station management and vowed never to allow a repeat of such an incident to take place.

"Although," she added shortly thereafter. "Has anybody seen Dakota recently?"

2MB Community Radio - fly, Goldblum, fly!

Brass Monkeys

Dan — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 12:05:00 +0000

On tonight's edition of Brooke's Books, your regular host and town deputy libarian Brooke Burke will discuss John Le Carre's The Spy Who Came In From The Cold.

Joining her will be local physician, Dr Ioan Gruffudd, who is on record as 'strongly agreeing' with the message of avoiding excessively cold weather, especially during flu season. Also on the show will be Faith Ford, from the hit show Model F Ford (Tuesday and Fridays, 10am to noon right here on 2MB Community Radio), who will be discussing scarfwear for those who must venture outside in the icier months.

2MB Community Radio - accursed axial tilt!!

Case Dismissed

Dan — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 08:17:00 +0000

NEWSFLASH!

Heather Mills' attempts to terminate her contract with 2MB Community Radio's smash hit radio show Hugh Goes There? (featuring the impersonation talents of local real estate appraiser Hugh Jackman) has failed.

Ms Mills, Chief Osteopath at 'Twist and Shout Osteopathy', argued that when she took over the business and secured the rights to offer a prize for Mr Jackman's show, she had no idea the doubling prize pool would lead so quickly to trouble. "Frankly, exponentiation does my head in," she said, before going on to claim that her current contribution to the prize pool of 64 free spinal manipulation sessions was 'already ridiculous' and 'bound to get worse before it got better'.

Judge Downey dismissed her claims, however, pointing out that the contract was 'disappointingly straightforward' and that, clearly, Ms Mills 'did not have a leg to stand on'.

At which point Ms Mills ex-husband and semi-retired local architect Paul McCartney had to be ejected from the courtroom for 'out of control sniggering'.

2MB Community Radio - would probably snigger a little too

I'm Game

Dan — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 10:02:00 +0000

On tonight's special episode of Bryan Brown's Small Business Hour, your regular host Bryan Brown speaks to 2MB station manager (and permanent guest-in-residence of station owner and massage oil tycoon Ellen Degeneres) Portia De Rossi.

In this four hour long discussion, Ms De Rossi explains her stunning new direction for the station:

"Game shows!! Sure, Where Oh Where Is My Underwear? with Heather Graham didn't excite listeners, but we have high hopes for Ex? Why? in which freelance security guard John Stamos will invite listeners to guess why local couples have decided to go their separate ways. Also, we're extremely excited by Naomi's What? in which listeners will be invited to guess which of her possessions local driving instructor Naomi Watt is holding. If you love Hugh Goes There?, and let's face it, everybody does, you'll love Naomi's What?"

When quizzed on how she plans to counteract the potential problem of the ever-doubling prize pool on Hugh Goes There? (now $160 in cash and 8 free sessions at Twist And Shout Osteopathy), Ms De Rossi explained that as long as ratings and advertising continue to double in line, there should be no problem.

2MB Community Radio - I guess 'When' will be next.

Negligible Interest

Dan — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 10:37:00 +0000

Local fruiter Heather Graham's quest for a return to breakfast radio met another setback this week with her proposed new show Where Oh Where Is My Underwear? slammed in local street polls. Examples of feedback included:

"Absolutely disgusting. Isn't it about time Miss Graham started wearing all her clothes every time she went out in public? Yes, even at (local kebab shop) Dennehy's!" - local Rotary Club secretary Shannon Doherty.

"I don't, y'know, mind the idea of Heather wearing no underpants. That's kinda hot. But isn't this radio?" - Brad Garret, Deputy Choreographer, Town Enthusiastic Dancing Society.

"They're probably in her intimates chiffonier. Or her laundry hamper." - Lorne Michaels, owner of The Local Lorne-dro-mat.

Miss Graham, disappointed by the criticism of the proposed show, has vowed to not give up and has reportedly put her 'thinking cap' back on. Her 'thinking panties' remain frustratingly absent.

2MB Community Radio - misses Heath too

No Cause For Concern

Dan — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 13:02:00 +0000

On last night's episode of One Hundred Minutes With Rick Moranis, 2MB Community Radio station owner and town massage oil tycoon Ellen Degeneres revealed she was not worried about the ever-growing prize pool for real estate appraiser Hugh Jackman's ratings-smashing game show Hugh Goes There.

"It is true that the prize pool will reach $320 in cash and 16 free sessions at Twist And Shout Osteopathy this Friday should nobody guess the local identity who Hugh is impersonating," conceded Ms Degeneres. "But that's not enough to concern me. Despite the doubling effect [High School Head of Mathematics] Mr Clooney keeps banging on about, I'm not worried. Sooner or later somebody will unravel Hugh's impression."

Ms Degeneres also revealed that Mr Jackman has vowed to maintain 100% secrecy throughout the span of the game show. "'Mum's the word', apparently," she revealed.

In unrelated news, local morticians Florence Henderson, Marion Ross and Meredith Baxter Birney have all been ruled out as possible solutions.

2MB Community Radio - if you can't trust the town billionaire who can you trust?

Make Me An Offer

Dan — Sat, 30 May 2009 13:14:00 +0000

On this week's edition of Pinching Penny, your host (local frugality expert and former financial powerbroker) Penny Marshall offers exciting and inspired tips on how to make extra cash by holding garage sales.

Penny's keys to garage sale success?

location (ie, your neighbour's house and belongings) and
timing (ie, when he's spending a weekend in the mountains)

Also, pyramid schemes! They're not just for Egyptians any more.

2MB Community Radio - covet thy neighbour's second-hand goods

Double Or Nothing

Dan — Fri, 22 May 2009 11:44:00 +0000

As local real estate appraiser Hugh Jackman's identity-guessing show Hugh Goes There completes its second week with still nobody having guessed which local identity Hugh is impersonating, local Head of the High School Mathematics department George Clooney has expressed grave concerns about the automatically doubling prize pool.

"I am gravely concerned about the automatically doubling prize pool," said Mr Clooney. "Sure, this week it's just $80 in cash and 4 free sessions at 'Twist and Shout Osteopath'. But in a few short weeks it will be $10,240 and 512 free sessions. And not long after that it will be $10,485,760 and 524,288 free sessions. And let's face it, nobody's back pain is that bad."

2MB Community Radio - exponents of inaccurate guessing

X Marks The Spot

Dan — Sun, 17 May 2009 08:23:00 +0000

Tune in tonight for a special repeat airing of the smash hit new quiz show that has the town talking. Hugh Goes There stars local real estate appraiser and 'Man of One Hundred And Forty-Four Voices' Hugh Jackman.

Laugh along with Hugh as he calls unsuspecting local housewives and nursing homes and invites them to guess... Hugh (or 'who') Goes There. And remember, if contestants can't guess the identity of the community personality that Hugh is impersonating then, each week, the prize pool doubles!

Next week, contestants on Hugh Goes There will be playing for $40 in cash and two sessions at 'Twist and Shout Osteopathy'. Will you be the one who unravels Hugh's secret identity? (Remember, Co-Mayor Affleck, Deputy Co-Mayor Damon, Rabbi Gibson, Madame Kidman and Jack Black's favourite trout 'Gilly' have all been ruled out.)

2MB Community Radio - huge!