Dance Your Life

The Power of Free Will

2016-08-02T14:53:00.002+02:00

There comes a point in life where you look at where you are, how far you have come, what you have gained and where you are going. When I do this I always like to look at what the changes were that I made which helped me accomplish what I have so far in life and in doing so I realise that most of those changes were who I allowed into my life and let go of.

Most of us understand the concept of staying positive in order to accumulate more positivity and to live a happy life. The Law of Attraction. What you put in you’ll get out. Reap what you sow etc. etc. – A lot of the time though we don’t realise that in order to do so we need to be aware of the toxic people in our lives.

It takes deep self-honesty to do so because a lot of the time it is hard to admit you have made a wrong decision in befriending someone who is actually toxic to your life or you might be under the impression that you love this person. Ultimately the choice will have to be made as to whether you choose to keep living this way with these people in your life – or you have to break free and live the life you were born to pursue – a happy positive and abundant one.

A quote from Brian Carruthers – “You are, or will become, the average of the five people you associate with the most.”

I like to think of my home and space as an area of positivity – a place where my family and I feel safe and secure. Together as positive separate units we make one big happy ball of positivity. This makes me feel like together we are more powerful in attracting abundance and even more happiness. I like to visualise it in my mind as a yellow giggly happy ball of family squishiness and love. Of course everyone has their ups and downs. Of course we are allowed to cry and vent if we need to. When it is over it is gone though and we try to move on from it. It is very important to feel every emotion you experience so you can understand it and learn how to deal with it. This is why, when I allow someone into our space, I am very careful and cautious about who they are because negative people don’t just affect your vibrations but they affect the energy around them and everyone else around them. I know of a few people who I would never allow into my space because it would feel like I am compromising the positive vibes our unit has already created.

Negative people are noticeably pessimistic and will exhaust you. Damaging energy and drama follow them everywhere and they can pull you into their chaos disrupting your focus and side-lining your goals. Negative people can sometimes behave irrationally and you will waste your time and energy if you try to make sense of their actions. I don’t think it is possible to continually live with someone like this in your life without either falling into the same pattern they follow or becoming completely drained from either trying to shield yourself from them or by trying to help them/listen to them.

You might think that when you are “detoxing” your life from these toxic people that you might start feeling lonely but in the long run it is better to have a few good friends than a whole bunch of negative destructive ones. Slowing start building new positive friendships. In the end every time you subtract negativity from your life you make room for more positive.

You might also think that the amount of drama it will cause in trying to get rid of them is not worth it in the end but maybe just by remaining positive and limiting your time with negative people they will eliminate themselves from your life without you having to do anything. Or seeing as though we are trying to be more positive here you might even turn them into positive thinkers! You will have to realise though that if someone is not on the same vibrational level as you and they can’t lift themselves up to your level that your paths will inevitably split. From my own experience leaving it to that point is even more draining.

Ultimately what matters is that you are living the best life that you can. You cannot live a fulfilled life when other people are dragging you down in whatever negative way that they do it. You have free will – don’t forget that. Free will means you ultimately determine what you believe. Freedom is the ability to say yes or no. Free will is the ability to do so. Free will is the exercise of freedom, the ability to choose between alternatives. We have a choice. This means you don’t need to let people affect you negatively, you don’t need to allow negative people into your life. The decision is yours. Know your worth.

“Every day you must unlearn the ways that hold you back. You must rid yourself of negatively, so you can learn to fly.” – Leon Brown

How to Positively Get Over People Who Hurt you

2016-08-01T17:26:00.000+02:00

I have always tried to be as confident as I can be throughout my life - not with ease however and it did not come naturally as inside I was a trembling shy little girl and in public I tried to come across as strong independent and confident. That was me feeding my ego and trying to become someone I was not.

As I have grown up through the years - I started moulding into the confident person I had tried so hard to become but this happened gracefully and naturally because I learned to accept and love who I am. I am proud of how far I have come. But even when we reach this stage in our lives - when we learn to love and accept ourselves - there will still be obstacles to overcome in this regard - obstacles that test your confidence in knowing who you are, that make you rethink the choices you have made and ways you see yourself, that test your confidence in yourself. Lately I have learned a lot of new lessons in this area of my life.

One of these obstacles relate to people who put you down - indirectly by using gossip or slander - or directly by telling you the negative things that they think of you, or maybe even in a passive way - by treating you less than others but without directly or indirectly saying so.

In the past it used to really get me down – when situations like this arise we can’t understand what we have done wrong and also how we could have allowed people like this into our lives in the first place. It is a feeling of helplessness and rejection and forces you to look at yourself to try and find the faults and flaws that you apparently have. I mean if others say it is so – then maybe it is so, right? It feels damaging.

I thought about how I could deal with things like this in a more positive way. In the past I would have been really upset, most probably would have cried and tried to stand up for myself and explain myself - which only feeds the fire. Today though, I have not had an inkling of an urge to want to do that. Why? Because I have learned that by focusing my energy on something that does not feel good only makes it worse.

That all makes sense but what I also realized was that by suppressing how I feel about the situation would also make me feel bad on the inside and if that happens it tends to fester.

How then do we get over hindrances like this in our lives without becoming egotistical about it and without losing touch with who we are, and at the same time how do we overcome this feeling of rejection and hurt?

The first step would be to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and by doing that begin to understand that everyone wants to be happy and for some people to feel good about themselves they make others look bad. This is tremendously unsound but remains one of the ways that some people use to feel good about themselves.

This brings up another side of the coin though. From a Buddhist perspective for example, it is our egos that have been bruised. People can't injure “you” with words, they can only injure your ego. That cuts both ways… we need to understand that their behaviour is not about us, it's about them. It's about their ego trying to preserve and enhance itself. It does that by diminishing others to make itself feel more important and to make itself "right" at all costs.

We have to recognize that, bless them on their way, forgive and be done with it. Free yourself to move on and to take up your own path.

I come back to the point again of the power of positivity and how you should not let negativity rule any part of your life. Yes, these people are out there and there will always be people that will try to bring negativity into your life. The way to overcome this feeling through positivity is to focus on the people that do love and care for you. Focus on them, don’t forget about them – embrace those people in your life. Shift your focus.

In the end what matters is that you know who you are. If you have clear understanding of who you really are, another person’s opinion should really not affect you. Everyone is a work in progress – we all have our faults and our strengths. Keep working on yourself to be the best version of you, don’t let others try to bring you down, don’t be ashamed of who you are and how far you have come or have got to go.

I will end this with the words of Brenda Russell: “In an ideal world, on an Ideal day, we could care for each other, in an ideal way, when they open the door, I would be the first, to start loving each other, in an ideal world...”

3 Day Apple Juice Fast

2016-04-21T13:01:00.003+02:00

So, I exercise between 3 - 5 days a week. Three of those days each include a one hour intense workout (Piloxing, Zumba, Zumba Toning). The rest of the week I use a vibration plate or my home gym. My diet is very clean. I don't eat red meats, wheat or sugar. I have cut down dairy to either feta or mozzarella cheese and occasionally milk in my coffee.

I have not lost a single kilogram in almost a year of continuing to work hard and eat right. It makes no sense and I am extremely frustrated.

I was assessed recently and it came to my attention that my hormones were out of balance. The cause? ... Tryphasil (contraceptive pill). It made my oestrogen levels excessive and my progesterone levels very low - which is how the pills works in the first place but it is not natural in any way and it could be the main reason as to why I can't lose weight, my mood swings etc.

I therefore decided to come off the contraceptive with the hope to get my hormones rebalanced. It has been 2 months - no changes in weight but I am 100 times more happier and I feel like myself again. Which is great! Except I still have not lost any weight.

After doing some research and finding out that hormones are processed through the liver - and also accepting that I have been drinking WAY too much coffee - I have decided that I am going to do a fast to help cleanse my body.

I have previously done a 5 day fast - but I have chosen to rather go for the 3 day fast this time because I am so active.

I will record each day of my fast explaining what I experience, how I feel etc. Starting from Monday! Wish me luck!

To the Good Men! Thank you - a tribute to Dewaldt

2016-04-13T16:31:00.002+02:00

There was a point in my life when I used look at men with utter disgust. I used to wonder when men decided that 30 was the new 19. When men thought it was better to remain single and independent than staying committed to another. When men thought it okay to be courageous on nights out but afraid to be fathers. I use to wonder when it was that "guy night" became more important than movie night and date night. I used to wonder when men became boys and when staying out became better than showing up…

True it is that some of these statements are true about some men – men who have given other men horrible reputations - but today I want to write about the good men, a tribute to the wonderful man I found (or who found me). A real man – who knows what it truly means to be a loving partner and an awesome father. This is to all of the other men out there who put their families first – you are loved and appreciated, thank you.

I got divorced while I was three months pregnant with my ex-husband’s second child. The reason for my decision was based on my children’s happiness and well-being. To be honest (and I know this puts me in a somewhat very weak light) I would never have left this man if it was not for my children. I would have let him carry on with his ways until my time on earth was over if my children were not born. When I brought my first child into this world – it was only then that I realized how poisonous the relationship was between my ex-husband and I and all I worried about was how badly it would affect my children. I had to get them away from this environment – I could not let them watch me die inside every day – their hearts and their well-being is all that matters. And so I left him… after watching my almost 2 year old look at me with pain in his eyes because mommy was trying to hold back the tears – at that very moment I made the decision to take the first step I needed to take in the right direction. And let me tell you, when I took that first step – everything else just fell into place and I have never been in a better place than where I have been since then to this day.

Shortly after making that life changing decision – I met someone else. He was one of the kindest souls I had ever met, gentle, awkward, sweet and funny. He helped me through the difficult transition I was going through, made me feel confident in myself and made me see the happier, lighter side of life. It turned into us constantly messaging each other every day until the early hours of each morning. Speaking to each other every day, caring about each other’s day – I believe the love between us was already felt by both of us long before we actually told each other we did. Yes! We fell in love… He fell in love with me… ME! the pregnant, divorced, single mother of one (soon to be two)… this wreck of a woman! This wonderful man – wanted me AND I wanted him. For the first time in my whole existence I knew what it felt like to be truly loved and to love someone completely. With no judgment, no fear or expectation – I loved this man the moment our eyes met.

One of the most heartwarming parts of this story is the fact that he accepted my children as his own. He took them in and embraced them with love and understanding. For the first time my children had a real father. He was there for the birth of my second child, he held him for the first time. He has helped me every night, since the day we moved in together, with the baby/toddler night shifts, the warming up of bottles and the nappy changes. Even more of a shocker – he has let me go off for an hour or two on weekends so that I can do Parkruns or my hair at the salon while he cares for the kids.

To this day I still feel like I am living in some sort of fantasy – never in my wildest dreams would I have ever thought that I would be with someone who treated me so well and for who I just want to love and care for. That I would find someone who is the perfect father role model for my children.

He restored my faith in men, it really is true that not all men are dogs. We need to remember that we deserve love, true love, happiness and respect. The same goes for men who are in bad relationships with women who treat them badly. There are good people out there… you don’t have to be in an abusive relationship. Get out, for your own sake. And if your own sake is not good enough then for your children’s sake, for your unborn children’s sake and for the sake of your family and the people who love you. We all deserve to be happy, no matter what you look like, no matter what you are going through, the right man/woman is out there for you – someone who will love you like you should be loved. Nobody deserves to be treated badly. Life is too short to waste it on trying to save a relationship that has already hit the rocks. Pick up from where you are and move on – life has better things planned for you. Divorce does not mean a dead end. It is brand new beginnings and a clean slate.

You are stronger than you think.

Bouncing Back

2015-10-12T16:24:00.000+02:00

Looking back at the past few years and all the changes and processes my body has gone through, especially the last 3 years through both my pregnancies. It is a difficult thing – learning your body and how it works and then it constantly changes and you have to change things up again in order to care for it. It is hard work for a women and I don’t think many people, especially men and women who have not had children, understand what it means and how hard we have to work to maintain, lose weight and feel good about ourselves.

I remember when I first came to the realisation of what it meant to be healthy. Yes I had struggled through eating disorders and learned all about it in recovery – but that day when I had that Ah Ha moment was magical. Almost 4 years after what I thought was recovering from my disorder (realising that I still had some bad habits) – I realised what it meant to look after your body. Skipping meals was not helping – exercising your ass off and then eating a huge meal was not helping – smoking was not helping. I could not believe that I was eating 6 times a day, healthy meals, exercising for 30 minutes 3 times a week and I lost 25kg in a year. I could not believe it! Where had I gone wrong all this time. I think this happens with most AH HA moments – you always wonder why you didn’t know this before. The answer is because you were not ready – you are growing and you are still growing and learning and this should be an amazing moment for anyone.

I decided today that even though I am not exactly where I want to be in my fitness and weight loss goals I am proud of where I am now and how far I have gotten. Damn it has been one hell of an up and down journey – emotional roller coasters – watching my body morph and change and bounce back to morphing again in my pregnancies. Breastfeeding – sheesh that has done some major transformations to my upper body. Through everything else that life is throwing at us, maintaining your career, caring for your kids, working on your relationships – you have still got this with your fitness and weight loss goals. You are still making an effort! I think I, and every other mother out there keeping it together – deserves a standing ovation. I AM proud of myself!

The people who look at you and tell you that you are not good enough yet don’t know what you have struggled through. It is not easy, for any mother, to lose the weight and get back to the same fitness level they were at before – not because they don’t try but because our bodies are a little more challenging than they were before pregnancy and of course when we were younger. At least we are working on it – and boy are we gonna get there – and they will be speechless because we would have mastered reaching this goal through way more obstacles than most. And that ladies is just one more thing to be proud of!

This is to anyone battling through a weight loss journey. Don’t look at how far you have got to go, or how wobbly and untoned your legs and stomach might be, your stretch marks – all of it is a sign that you have gotten somewhere and are your battle scars (wear them proud) – you are not the same as you were a year ago, a month ago or maybe a week ago. Stay consistent, keep that goal in mind but remember how far you have come and don’t let anyone make you feel any less of yourself. I am telling you WELL DONE! KEEP IT UP! YOU LOOK AMAZING!

BIRTH STORY - A SECOND TIME AROUND

2015-09-10T16:39:00.001+02:00

On 14 January 2015 - my beautiful second child was born. A boy. His name is Blake. It means: Dark and Fair - which is balance.

After my traumatic experience with my first birth - I never thought I would go down this path again. It happened though and it was wonderful and not what I expected a year or so before it happened.

It is absolutely amazing how the circumstances in your life can make such a huge difference to how you experience your pregnancy and labour.

When I was about three months pregnant I divorced my husband. I was pregnant with his child and my first child was also his son but the abuse I went through in the marriage and the affect it was having on my first child was too much. I did not want my second child going through what my first child went through. Diaan (number 1) was a year and half when I took that step. If it was not for my children I probably would have stayed... but it was not just about me any more. My children were now involved and I was not going to let anyone hurt them - even if it meant leaving their father.

As heartbreaking and emotional as it was it was one of the best decisions I had ever made in my life. One of the hardest too.

I met another man, just after leaving my ex-husband. He embraced me and my children (both my 1 year old and unborn child) as his own. He changed my world. The world was a happy place - I felt lighter - I now knew what it meant to be loved - and loved properly - and to love properly back in return. My toddler was happier, I was happier and I felt how happy my baby was inside of me - because mommy was happy so was he. My pregnancy was a breeze.

He came with me into theatre when it was time for my c-section. He even put his running shoes on and was pacing the hospital floor like a tiger in its cage - he was so excited. He held my hand every step of the way - he was there at the operating table. And when Blake entered this world, his beautiful face was lit up - a glorious moment when you get that first look at your baby - I saw the glitter in my partner's eyes. My little boy was born into unconditional love from his mother, my partner and his big brother. My partner held him while they sewed me up and he looked at him as if he was his own.

Diaan came to meet his baby brother the same day. He was so soft and gentle. Such a wise little boy he is. He looked at me and softly touched my arm while he sat on the hospital bed next to me, and he looked at his brother with awe. To this day he has been his protector.

I recovered in about a week. Almost 4 times more faster than my first time.

I was so scared about how things would work with a second child but everything blended in perfectly. And still does.

How blessed I am to have these two amazing children in my life and to have such an amazing partner.

Thank you for choosing me as your mother.

I Found Myself

2015-04-28T15:22:00.003+02:00

It has been two years since my last post and a lot of changes have occurred. I wasn't lost but I was found - I found myself.

Since my last post I have had a second child and divorced my husband.

I found someone, my soul mate and I can truly say I have never been happier.

I have learned so much and I want to share it with everyone - I want to share it because it might help someone else who is in the same situation.

I thought I was in love with my ex-husband. I truly thought the saying "the couples who are meant to be together always get through their obstacles and stay together". That is not always the case. I learned that it is better to come from a broken home than to be in a broken home.

I can't say when it started - when I lost all respect for my other half but I think what opened my eyes was my child. The way my ex-husband was treating me was effecting my little boy - and I did not want him growing up thinking it was okay for him to treat others that way. And I saw it breaking his little heart and I could not do that to him anymore. And so I put my foot down and I said "no more". And it was the best decision I have ever made!

I now have someone in my life who treats me as if I am gold and that makes me want to treat him the same. My children see someone treating me with utter respect and love and that makes them happy and whatever makes them happy makes me happy! It is just wonderful to love someone (properly) and be loved back in return (properly). I thank my lucky stars everyday and I attracted this beautiful love in my life and into my children's lives.

I now feel like I can grow and reach more goals and just reach higher and higher in life. Sometimes the hardest decisions are the ones you need to make. Following your heart might be scary but in the end it is what is supposed to happen. In that moment you might not see the point of it all but it will come and you will feel freedom inside your heart.

Espavo!

THIS IS THE POINT - Connectivity

2013-06-12T09:33:00.002+02:00

Life (NBC TV series) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Recently I had a conversation with someone about what the meaning of life is – and how some of us (including me) can fall into a depression about “what the point is” when it comes to this life.

This feeling of depression and feeling of being defeated normally gets triggered by seeing and hearing about all these horrible things happening in the world today – which I normally don’t ever elaborate on because I do not want to focus any energy on those negative things as I feel that just gives that negativity more power. But for the purpose of what I want to get across today I am talking about the crime we see on the news and hear on the radio and the abuse humankind is inflicting on each other and on Mother Earth. The reality of it all hits home - that things like this have always been happening and so probably will continue to happen.

This makes a person wonder why? What is the point of being here if this is what is happening. It personally makes me sick… We feel like we are stuck here in this terrible place and then when we pass away on to wherever we go (depending on what you believe in) does it even matter? This can make a person very depressed and that causes other things like anxiety, anger and all sorts of other emotions – which in turn may result in more negative actions. A vicious cycle if you ask me…

We try and make ourselves feel better about this all and so use things like materialism, work and in my case substance abuse. Which as you know does not really help the situation either – and only makes it worse… Again, a vicious cycle is happening here.

So how do we overcome this feeling of helplessness? Is there a way of getting over it? The most asked question always comes to mind – what is the meaning of life…

The way I have learned to overcome this feeling and to stop myself from falling into that realm of confusion, helplessness and depression - and from being part of the vicious cycle is this – Connectivity! - We are all connected

I think about all the people in my life who are positive and good and who love me. This then reminds me that if I have people like this surrounding me then there are obviously a lot more other people out there who are just like these good and positive people I have been blessed to have in my life. So even though there are “bad” people out there – there are a lot of “good” people out there too. And this in turn makes me feel better about the world. We need to get out of our little box of selfishness (ego) and remember that there are a lot of other people out there experiencing the same things we are experiencing (in their own way) and that we are not the only person on this earth/in this universe.

Life (Photo credit: bitzcelt)

Look back on your life and remember all the good things you have done and all the things you have achieved. Also look back on your mistakes and remember how you overcame those mistakes and obstacles which helped you to become a better person. Doing this will help you to build on what you already have achieved so far in this lifetime. Each time you feel there is no point look back at what you have already achieved and then also remember how these things have made your world and in turn another person’s experience of you and their world better.

It helps to remember that everything is connected – everything you do will in turn affect another person and the more positive your actions the more positive the effect will be on not only yourself or the person you are directly connected to BUT the rest of the world too! THIS IS THE POINT!

Yes we are all tiny little specks in this big world we live in BUT everything we do has cause and effect and so we all make a huge difference in this world we live in.

Getting all upset and angry about feeling that there is no point in this life and so on is selfish and it is egotistical! Even though you might think that locking yourself up in your room sulking or smoking that joint or walking around moping is not affecting anyone – you are wrong. There are people in your life connected to you and everything you do AND the way you treat YOURSELF (not only others) will affect the people in your life (even if it is just one person).

I know that we can’t always be happy and spirited with a spring in our step all the time. I mean, that will just make us feel like we are living in Teletubby town – but the point is to remember that we are all connected and to remember that our actions are affecting others and in turn the world. Sit with that negativity you are feeling, feel the emotions and work through it – and then overcome it, because that is the POINT.

Espavo!

A quiet little place

2013-02-20T12:49:00.000+02:00

Keep a quiet little place
Where only you can go
A place securely set aside
To think, to breathe, to grow

Don't think that you will be lonely there
For God is close beside you
His messages will all come through
To comfort and to guide you

Lifes burdens grow much brighter
For all those who have set apart
A quiet place for God to dwell
At peace within the heart.

I memorized this poem as a little girl and it has stayed with me my whole life.

I wanted to share it with everyone as it has helped me stay calm and relaxed in many situations where I found it difficult to handle life.

Espavo

Writing a book -Finally!!

2013-01-30T12:42:00.001+02:00

Ever since I can remember I have wanted to write a book. With all that has happened in my life and the experiences I have had I have always thought that I would write about them one day and maybe help people with this book by giving advice and writing about what I have gone through and how I overcame all the difficulties.

There have been a few things holding me back though which is why I have never really ever taken that step forward. Will I offend someone? What do I write about, there are so many different things? - Will it turn out to just be mumble jumble. How do I even start with writing a book? And so on...

Thanks to my sister's advice I have made that first step though. She told me to just start writing and then we will see from there. I feel like I am overflowing with information that I just want to write down thanks to her support and the support I have received from everyone else in my life. Knowing that they all think I should do this gives me the confidence I need.

This was my first step - to write it in my blog - I have now committed to it! :)

Here is to 2013 being an awesome year with all my ventures becoming huge successes. This year has already brought me all the opportunities I need for me to accomplish all the dreams that I have been wanting to fulfill! This star is going to shine brightly. :)

ESPAVO!

Birth Story

2013-01-08T16:38:00.000+02:00

Well, I’m back and we are now also blessed with a precious little baby boy we have named Diaan.

In my previous posts I have spoken about natural birth etc. Well, let me tell you that nothing went according to plan. *shy smiling face*

I have decided to write out my birth story from start to finish – I hope you enjoy it and that it helps at least a few to-be-mommies out there.

Our Birth Story

I remember waking up on the day I gave birth to my precious boy all excited and positive that I was finally going to keep steady contractions and start dilating. I was also completely exhausted after having three gel inductions over a period of 24 hours. The first gel induction did nothing, the second one, a much stronger one, brought on contractions but they only lasted a short while. I also kept the thought in mind that my dream of having a natural birth might not happen, but yes – I still had my hopes up.

I remember looking out the window from the hospital room which had been my home for almost a week now – and for a whole week before that – and seeing that it was a beautiful warm day outside. It was nice and cool inside my room and I was calm. My husband was also on his way and so were my mom and granny. The doctor had told us that if I didn’t go into labour “naturally” today he will have to do a caesarean as my amniotic fluid was very low. I felt happy and calm any way – I couldn’t wait to meet my baby boy!

The doctor came in for his normal morning check up. The monitor showed that baby’s heart beat was perfect but I had only dilated half a cm and the inductions were not working. He broke my waters which was very very little. It was about five minutes later and the contractions started. PROPER contractions! My husband was right there with me though and he held my hand through every one. It was painful but it was a good pain! My mom was waiting outside and I went to sit with her, standing up each time a contraction started and swaying through them. The morning went by with me and my husband pacing the halls ways, getting through the contractions….. and then they got slower. The monitor showed they were also not strong enough… and off I went to the labour ward.

They hooked me up to a drip with a stronger type of induction and back onto the foetal heart monitor and flat on my back. A minute later I felt the contractions again – much stronger and MUCH more intense! My poor husband looked like he was feeling each one of them with me. After an hour or so of that I opted for some pain medication which helped for about half an hour. At 1pm the doctor came in to check on me and I had not dilated at all! He however respected my decision to have a natural birth and gave me the choice to carry on for another few hours on this induction. After he left my husband broke down – he could not watch me go through anymore pain. He called the doctor back as he was getting in his car to leave and so was the beginning of my caesarean birth!

The nurses came in to prep me and my mom came in for support. My husband was not handling anything very well and had been crying for quite a while. He could not handle watching someone cut me open – he said his protectiveness over me will cause him to do something irrational and so my mom came with me into surgery. Hubby was right out side the door – all tear stained and anxious. I on the other hand felt all calm and relaxed. I was trying very hard not to freak out, I am very scared of needles but I could not imagine giving birth unconscious and so I was going to have an epidural.

They wheeled me in to surgery and explained all that was going to happen. I sat up and waited for the anaesthetist to give me the epidural. He was a soft and kind doctor and I think the emotional and mental “pain” was sorer than the actual giving of the epidural – I actually didn’t even feel a thing - physically.

My legs and hips went numb and as I was about to panic I saw my mom’s eyes through the hospital mask. I calmed and I felt ready – I didn’t say a word.

The next thing I knew I heard my mom saying that she could see him and his little pink feet appeared over the screen and then his whole body! He was so clean, there was very little blood – I don’t remember any blood actually and he was pink all over! My beautiful baby boy! I remember the doctor saying that he had cheeks like his mommy. I couldn’t help but laugh. They took him to the side to do the tests. He scored 10 out of 10 for both his apkar scores! They brought him to me and I stared into his beautiful dancing blue eyes for what seemed a life time and then he went to spend some time with his daddy while they sewed me up.

That vision of my baby boy will forever be a part of me – his beautiful dancing eyes – the most magical feeling in the world.

After leaving surgery they took me to my room where I was able to spend time with family but all I wanted was my baby. They brought him to me and I breast fed him immediately! He was such a hungry bub and he latched on perfectly straight away and had his first bowel movement a few minutes later. My husband just couldn’t stop taking pictures and I will forever remember that proud look in his eyes.

Our lives have been changed forever and you really did take our breathes away when you were born my special precious boy. We are so honoured that you have chosen us to be your parents and we promise to love and care for you for as long as we live and to cherish every moment spent with you. Thank you Higher Power for bringing this wonderful baby into our lives.

So in the end nothing went to plan – but let me tell all the mommies out there who are also planning to have a natural birth but are worried that they might have to have a c-section – its not all that bad. The after pain and recovery is not something to laugh at though but it is worth it. A c-section is not the end of the world. In fact we are lucky to have had one as we found out later that the cord was wrapped around our baby’s neck and a tiny bit of his skin had also been cut open a little bit on his head from the pressure. In the end it was the right decision!

ESPAVO!

Chaos of Change

2012-10-15T15:49:00.000+02:00

I am in a space right now where not only is my body going through a huge change but my spiritual and emotional self are too.

You hear so many people's opinions about all the different things in pregnancy, about why you are feeling this and why you are feeling that. On the subject of depression though there is a lot of conflicting information. Some people say that it is hormonal, others say it is a chemical imbalance you had before you were pregnant, other's say it is normal, some recommend antidepressants and others are completely against it.

I believe that it is partly hormonal and partly because of the change that is happening inside a pregnant woman. Whether it should even be called depression is debatable! Hormones play such a huge role in pregnancy and it can drive a woman loony at times. I have had myself in tears over silly adverts on TV or by people saying the most petty things, things I would normally not show any emotion too but instead of just walking away or getting over it I end up balling my eyes out and screaming things back at the people who have nothing nice to say. Haha! It really is a crazy roller coaster ride! I also think that a lot of what having a baby entails can put a woman in this place. For example: will I make it financially, how will I cope with work and baby and hubby, how will I manage to balance my lifestyle at the same time.

But when I talk about "depression" - please note the inverted commas - that dreaded feeling of despair and that nothing is getting better and never will - that dark dark place where I think we have all found ourselves in before at least once or twice - I think this has got much more to do with our higher selves than it has to do with hormones.

We all have our own ways of dealing with depression and unhappiness but I felt like I had for some or other reason lost all my tools that enabled me to cope and get out of that space during my pregnancy. This made things even worse at times because I felt that that was just life being unfair and felt sorry for myself. I felt angry with myself because I was feeling like this too and on top of that I felt like I was a terrible mom and I felt guilty because I was feeling so down in time in my life when I am supposed to be feeling so so very happy! And then I was feeling happy and euphoric at the same time with all these other feelings buzzing around in my mind. - It really is a confusing and distressful place to be! Talk about ups and downs!

All of this forced me to do something I had never done. To sit and actually FEEL the emotions I was feeling and to deal with them one by one. Most of my coping mechanisms were ways of blocking what I did not want to feel. For example writing down everything I am grateful for and focusing on that and what my goals in life are. Having a drink or two after a long week. Going for a jog to clear my mind. Just doing things that blocked me from actually feeling those negative emotions. I must say it is not one of the most enjoyable experiences but for the first time in my life I was able to identify why I was feeling certain things and I was able to work through them and resolve them in my mind.

You see, with change normally comes chaos at first. And I think this is what most pregnant woman (who feel they are depressed during pregnancy) are actually experiencing - the chaos of change. And the only way to allow change to happen so that the chaos can disappear is to accept it and to embrace it and to let it happen. We need to keep learning to have faith while trying to keep on the right path in life. Things always work out in the end if you stay true to yourself.

This baby that is growing inside of me, that my body knows exactly how to take care of and how to nourish, is bringing a huge change into our lives and into this world. I need to embrace and accept that there will be a change in me as a woman as well - and that something inside of me has changed already - but that feeling of change and knowing will be felt 100 times over when I see my beautiful child breathing air into his lungs for the first time and when I see his dancing soul in his eyes. Only then will I know what real love is and the power of that love, all of this is just preparation for the huge impact this wonderful spirit will bring into our lives.

Change is powerful but it is something that we must all encounter so that we can overcome what is put in our paths in the future.

Know that no matter what you are going through you are strong enough to overcome it.

Espavo!

CHILDBIRTH

2012-08-31T14:57:00.001+02:00

My thoughts on childbirth... well for starters I am completely and obstinately determined to have as a natural childbirth as possible. Recently though I have come to the realization that I should probably not set my hopes up too high on this and expect all things to go to plan as I might end up being disappointed. I know anything can happen in child birth, or with anything in life for that matter, so I am working on trying to prepare myself for the chance that maybe things won't go as I have planned, but that spark of hope and determination that it will is still there (big and bright). I am having a very low risk pregnancy in any case so why not get my hopes up just a little? Hehe

I do not talk about this with many people though as I do get the odd look here and there from people who think that I am being naive or who maybe think I have no clue as to what I am letting myself into. I don't know what to expect, that is true! I have never given birth before but does this mean that I am not allowed to get excited or look forward to the experience?

The way I see it is that woman have been giving birth naturally since the beginning of mankind, why should it be any different nowadays? Waaaay back then there were not even doctors or medical experts etc around to help mothers give birth, they did it all on their own. So I feel and I also instinctively know that when it is my time to bring my baby boy into this world all my womanly and motherly instincts will set in and my body will know what to do and everything will come naturally and happen as it is supposed to, its wired into our brains just like a newborn instinctively knows how to breastfeed from the moment he is born into this world.

I know that it is not going to be the most easiest thing in the world and that there will be pain involved (or maybe not, who knows) but I also know that no matter how hard it is on me and even if I feel like I can't carry on, the thought of me holding my precious baby boy and welcoming him into this world with arms wide open and hearing his cry for the first time and seeing him taking his first breath - it will ALL be worth it in the end. Every single struggle I have had in my life up until that moment will be worth every second and I cannot wait to experience that.

So I will look forward to my natural birth and I will feel excited! If because of a very good reason I am unable to give birth naturally I think I will also be fine so long as my baby is healthy and strong, but for now while the reality of a natural childbirth is quite real, I'll be looking forward to it.

I have this image in my mind of my child's soul dancing its way into this world and my mine welcoming him in return.

“To dance is to be out of yourself. Larger, more beautiful, more powerful.. This is power, it is glory on earth and it is yours for the taking”

― Agnes De Mille

ESPAVO! <3

I Found My Purpose

2012-08-20T15:12:00.001+02:00

“A mother's body remembers her babies-the folds of soft flesh, the softly furred scalp against her nose. Each child has it's own entreaties to body and soul.” ― Barbara Kingsolver

So I am 26 weeks 4 days pregnant today. I am loving every moment – even the icky bad ones – while pregnant. I actually think that I will in some ways miss being pregnant.

Feeling my baby’s movements inside my belly every day – knowing that soon I will be able to hold our little one in my arms brings a permanent smile to my face and an overwhelming sense of calm and happiness. A mother's joy begins when new life is stirring inside... when a tiny heartbeat is heard for the very first time, and a playful kick reminds her that she is never alone.

Before you were conceived I wanted you. Before you were born I loved you. Before you were here an hour I would die for you. This is the miracle of Mother's Love. - Maureen Hawkins

I am partly scared for the experience of birth as I am not sure about what to expect – I want to give birth naturally so so very badly, I want to have that first bonding moment with my child. Knowing that I will hold you in my arms and have you with me safe and sound is what keeps me strong and unafraid. I look forward to every moment of every day and experience spent with you.

"Birthing is the most profound initiation to spirituality a woman can have." - Robin Lim

My whole life I have been wondering what my purpose is, why am I here, what is the point... The answer was there all along and I think I knew it all along too. Being a mother to my child is my purpose, to help my partner bring this beautiful boy up to become the best he can be. To show him what love is, to fill his life with love so that he too will be able to share that love with others. To guide him in the right direction so that he can build on himself to reach his potential, help him through his mistakes and hardships, to show him that there is always light at the end of the tunnel and to never give up. Never give up on reaching that light and never give up on what he believes in. With love anything is possible.

It's not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can't tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself. ~Joyce Maynard

My child is the closest I will ever come to magic, our miracle that has grown from a tiny seed into a blossoming bundle of joy, a combination of both families’ genes, a unique and beautiful soul - all while still inside my belly. Ready to take on this world.

He is an extremely active baby in utero – I feel him every 5 to 10 minutes every day. Kicking and somersaulting and swishing around. I feel and take this as a sign of strength and one of his wonderful characteristics.

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”
― Dr. Seuss, Happy Birthday to You!

We cannot wait to welcome you into this world and to hold you in our arms. Mommy and daddy are waiting patiently for your arrival and for our journey and path in life to start together (although, all three of us have actually already started our journey together haven’t we...) :) All our love forever and always.

Every child born into the world is a new thought of God, an ever fresh and radiant possibility.
- Kate Douglas Wiggin

A BRAND NEW BEGINNING

2012-04-16T13:04:00.000+02:00

I AM NOW A MRS!

I thought I would share how the day was for me and how I experienced this new beginning in my life. What a roller coaster ride! I am very excited for the future!

I was an emotional wreck the first half of the day. Luckily I had my friend Caitlin with me from the moment I woke up to keep my head screwed on straight. We zoomed off to Gordon's Bay early in the morning (already a few minutes late). On our way there I got a phone call from my best friend who drove down from Natal the night before to say she was lost in Paarl - so we waited for her on the N1. Obviously all emotional stability I had left shattered when I saw her face and was able to hug her for the first time in a few years.

We eventually all made it to the hair salon where all my bridesmaid's hair and make up was being done. I was marching up and down nervously but luckily my wonderful hairdresser sat me down at a basin and got the lady to wash my hair and give me the most amazing head massage (which I almost fell asleep to).

From there I had to get something to eat (I had this enormous craving for nachos) and then my other best friend Richard arrived. (more emotions!)

We finally arrived at the guesthouse where we were to be wed! One of Riaan's groomsmen decided to tell me that my husband to be was passed out in one of the rooms and that they were trying to sober him up! It was a joke of course - but I didn't handle it very well - my body just collapsed underneath me. Luckily I saw Riaan's very much Sober face inside by reception area and I felt calmer.

Up we went to the guestroom where I and my bridal party would be getting ready. My father first greeted me with a bear hug and a gift. I think the reassurance of seeing him and his great big hug was all I needed to keep going - and of course seeing my mommy (who was a super organizing star!) They all took so much pressure of my shoulders and eventually I was able to relax a bit.

I was surrounded by all of the very special people in my life and I could not have asked for a better start to this beautiful journey we have embarked on.

Walking down the isle was so scary but my dad held my arm tight (and later told me basically was keeping me upright) so that my legs would not (once again) give way under me. When I looked down the isle towards Riaan I immediately felt "able" again - looking into his eyes full of tears and the huge smile on his face I remembered how much I loved this man and how I can not imagine being with anyone else. This is the person who I knew from the moment we met that I would be with for the rest of my life. My dad gave me away and for a few moments everyone and everything around me disappeared except for Riaan and then our journey together as man and wife started.

The ceremony and reception was everything that I had ever dreamed it would be and more. We had the closest people in our lives there. No strangers and nobody who we actually secretly didn't want there. Every single person who was there to join us on our special day were very special to us and it was just the way we wanted it.

I was calm and relaxed throughout the whole celebration - and slept soundly that night in my husbands arms listening to the sound of the ocean and waking up the next morning to the smell and sound of the ocean again. It was like a blissful dream.

We drove to Hermanus in our own time the next day. Stopping at places that interested us and taking our time. We finally reached the little cottage where we would be staying for the next few days for our honeymoon. TOTAL BLISS! Smack bang in between the mountain and the sea. Absolutely stunning!

We had been planning to fall pregnant for months and I had missed my period that I was supposed to get the day before my wedding and which had not arrived two days later. I thought it must be stress from wedding but was hoping of course that I was preggies! Riaan and I had stopped getting our hopes up 2 months ago and thought it would happen when the time was right. I woke up at 5am that morning on our second day of honeymoon to find out after doing the test that I was pregnant! (Thus explaining he emotional instability I had been experiencing as well as the cravings for nachos) :-/

THE BEST WEDDING PRESENT OF ALL TIME!

I jumped on the bed where my sleeping husband was laying "scream whispering" that I was pregnant. We never went back to bed that morning. We sat and watched the sun come up while having our morning hot drink. I sent my mom, Caitlin, Leigh and Jenna and Dad a picture of the positive pregnancy test immediately and received very excited and happy calls.

It was the best timing and the most wonderful news and gift we could have asked for! I am so excited about what life has in store for us next and for my journey as a mommy to begin! I have a little being growing inside of me right now. Its unbelievably beautiful and breathtaking. What a blessing!

ESPAVO!

CHANGE

2012-02-08T13:04:00.001+02:00

Wow! I haven't written a post in many many months. Lots has happened and so I feel its time to get my thoughts out there...

Change... we all experience it and we all know what it feels like. Sometimes we welcome it and sometimes we loath it. Sometimes we realize it is happening and sometimes it happens without anyone even noticing - until you stop and listen to your inner self and get out of the whole "routine" of life and then you realize how much things have changed since the last remembered point in your life.

I have experienced lots of change in last few months. My body is changing (why, I don't know but I have to accept it and embrace it) and my goals and wants in life are changing. I also am expecting change in the near future - which is good because I am able to prepare myself for it.

Beside all of that it is scary to think that no matter what you plan for your future, no matter what your goals and visions are for the future - it can all change in a blink of an eye. The only way to get past that feeling of disappointment when something does not go accordingly to plan is to keep reminding yourself that the future may not be what you are imagined it to be BUT know that no matter what happens you will be able to handle it. NO MATTER WHAT COMES YOUR WAY YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT AND YOU WILL BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT - and in the process learn something new and probably something very valuable.

That does not however mean that you should not set goals for your future. That does not mean that you will not achieve what you have set out to do, it is just a way of thinking that you learn to implant in yourself to stop yourself from losing the enthusiasm to move forward towards your goal when you need to overcome set backs along the way.

Take for example the commitment I am making to marry the man I love in a month. Recently it has been very scary because every where I look, whether it's a TV talk show or an article I read all, there are all these negative ideas and opinions of marriage that keep on popping up. I could be taking this as a sign to not take the big step or I can take in the information and use it to my advantage to help me in my future and marriage.

No matter what your circumstances are you can always change it around for the better. All you need is positivity.

xxxx
ESPAVO

WITHIN

2011-10-04T09:52:00.000+02:00

I turn away from the world about me to the world of consciousness that lies within.

I shut out all memories of the past, create no images of the future. I concentrate on my being, on my awareness. I slide deep into the very recesses of my soul to a place of utter repose.

Here I perceive fact in the making, I am conscious of the one being from which all beings spring. I know that this is immortal self, this is God, this is me. I am, I always was. I always will be.

All men, all things, all space and time and life are here in the depths of my soul. Smaller than small, greater than great, meet and unite in me. That which I thought I was, ego, I never was at all, for it was a changing thing, mirroring the seasons and the tides, a thing of time or circumstance.

I am spirit, pure and eternal, birth-less, deathless, and changeless. I am patient, for I am all time: I am wise, for I contain knowledge of all things. I know not pain, for I see there is no beginning and end.

I am rich, for there is no limit to the abundance I may create from my very self.

I am successful, for I need only think to achieve.

I love and and I am beloved for all things are myself and I am all things.

I write, I fuse, I become one with universal subconscious mind. The mask of vanity and ego I shall never wear again. I perceive the magnificent sweller at the centre of my consciousness and I know him to be my very self. Time and space and shadow and substance; What matter these? God is Me.

-Handwritten on a piece of paper given to me by my mother - I carry with me everywhere.

MATERIALISM

2011-09-06T16:00:00.000+02:00

I have been going through a period in my life right now that has brought me new perspective when it comes to this subject. I have always been against materialism and ALL FOR embracing nature and for remembering where you come from and not being influenced by material things. I am correct in what I am saying when it comes to this, but I may have gone a little overboard...

I have been trying desperately for the last 3 years to find a job that pays well, that I enjoy and that I want to be at everyday. To build a life with my partner and to find a family home (just a 2 bedroom 1 bathroom apartment or house with a garden) were we can start a family and feel secure in - and stay financially stable.

I have always said that material things mean nothing to me, I have always felt that material things - like a house, money, TV, nice duvets (the things I really want now) - were unimportant. That the people who you love and your body (temple) and your spirituality are the most important and that materialism is just a trap - I tended to feel sorry for people that continuously bought things for themselves and who fell into the "materialism trap". I always said I would never become like that!

Now, I am the one needing these materialistic things - okay, there is a balance between being materialistic and totally humble - but I never understood this balance and when I found myself longing for these things last week I startled myself! I wanted to stop myself from wanting (needing) these things because in my mind it was against what I believed in.

I realized though that like everything else in life there needs to be a balance. Right now in this world we live in we need certain things and these certain things - thanks to the government and society - need to be bought. And to buy these things we need money and to earn money we need to work - and to work we need certain things and these things need to be bought - and so the cycle goes on and on and on. So to some extent most of the materialism in this world is caused by society and outside influences but that doesn't mean that we have to fall for their manipulation over and over again!

There are two sides to this - the proper materialists and the completely humble un-materialists (like the Monks.)

A materialist looks to go out and buy things - things that they do not need and sometimes maybe things that they do need - but they buy to fill a hole inside of them or they buy things so that they feel better and superior to others. They also tend to put material things above other people and things. Material things are more important to them than anyone/thing else. For me it is so superficial! - if there is one thing that I cannot stand that is if someone acts "fake" and superficial. - I have had to live with people like this and I so badly missed genuine proper people it almost drove me insane. Maybe this is why I have such a passion about not being materialistic.

Anyway - just because we need to go out and buy things just so that we can live in the world that we live today does not mean that we are materialistic people - so long as you are not buying things to replace other people in your lives or to fill a hole in your heart or to feel more superior to others.

You know - THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE NOT THINGS! - think about that.

Espavo!

PRE-MOTHERHOOD

2011-09-06T15:07:00.000+02:00

So, my partner and I are getting married soon and although this makes me very happy and so excited it also makes me a little nervous and scared.

This man that I have decided to make this wonderful commitment to is so great and good for me. We are amazing for each other - each one of us made a huge positive influence in each one's life when we entered each other's lives. There are so many things in my life that I can be grateful to him for. He makes me laugh at least once a day, is committed to being the "provider", lets me feel his love (he doesn't just say the words - he makes me know that he loves me) - the one thing I know for certain is that I am dearly loved by this man. There are so many reasons for why I love and want to be with this diverse and interesting person and there is no doubt in my mind that we are meant to be together. <3

One thing we are planning straight after our marriage is to have children and this is, for us both, but especially for me, something I cannot wait for and something I take very very seriously! I intend to learn from a lot of marriages and relationships in my life that did not work out and how the children were effected by these relationships. Everyone makes mistakes but there are certain things that both my partner and I went through as children that we do not want our children experiencing. - probably just like everybody else.

My main concern is the environment and type of place where we will bring up our children. I am still so young and I am so worried that we will not have everything we need that we want to give our children. I need to have a good home, where there are no negative influences from other people - and obviously be financially stable enough.

Now I know I am probably being overly paranoid and it may seem like I am looking for reasons not to go ahead with our plans but I am not. We would not have made the decision to get married and have children if we didn't feel stable enough. It is probably just my motherly instinct popping her head up and trying to guide me in the right direction - but instead knowing my intense personality - is pushing or shouting me in the right direction! ;-) Here is what my horoscope says about me and I think it is amazingly spot one:

"She is a fiercely protective mother and will do anything to safeguard her children. At times a little too strict with them, but they often understand her better when they are older."

Now I really hope that I can balance my motherly instincts when I do become a mother so that I do not become an overly protective and over bearing parent. But right now - even before I have even fallen pregnant - I am already worrying myself silly about whether everything we do and have done will be good enough.

I, like the rest of us, am only human though - and I think that everyone to some extent knows what it feels like to want to protect someone/thing you love. I know that we will both do the best we can when it comes to our children and I know that we will bring up amazing people and I will be a proud mother. - even now before I have met my children I already feel the love I feel for them bubbling up inside of me!

A song I know best describes how I am feeling now, it is by Elton John called Your Song. The first three verses gets it exactly right:

~ It's a little bit funny this feeling inside

I'm not one of those who can easily hide

I don't have much money but boy if I did

I'd buy a big house where we both could live

If I was a sculptor, but then again, no

Or a man who makes potions in a travelling show

I know it's not much but it's the best I can do

My gift is my song and this one's for you

And you can tell everybody this is your song

It may be quite simple but now that it's done

I hope you don't mind

I hope you don't mind that I put down in words

How wonderful life is while you're in the world ~

Sigh* I think that when it comes to this - like every aspect in our lives - we need to remember to find our center have faith and trust in a Higher Power and know that things just work out the way they are supposed to in the end. - trying to be in control and constantly trying to be the one in power will only distort or even slow down process towards the way things should be.

*Everything is already as it should be*

Espavo!

Starters

2011-08-08T15:26:00.000+02:00

Well, I have started this blog for more than one reason. First of all, I have a lot of my own ideas and thoughts on life and health and I love to write them down to gain perspective. Secondly, I usually write this down in a diary, which I used to keep in my handbag. A few weeks ago I got a huge wake up call and fright when my handbag got stolen with my diary in it and with all its contents. I had horrible nightmares about some stranger (someone I didn't want) reading my intimate thoughts etc etc. Luckily my handbag and all its contents was retrieved, but I had a huge wake up call. A friend of mine came up with the idea of me writing my own blog instead of writing it down on paper and risking losing all of my work.

A few years back I learned about the Law of Attraction and since then have been on a journey to master this law of life. This blog will be about my thoughts and feelings on Law of Attraction and how I am learning to master it. I believe that we all have the power inside of us to become what we dream of becoming, to gain what we need and to achieve our wildest dreams... all by just controlling our thoughts and keeping them positive and in tune with what our goals are. I also believe that life is not worth living if you haven't got goals and dreams. Working towards a goal, even if it is with tiny little steps or with one large leap gives us meaning in life, a reason to live and a reason to feel good about ourselves, helping others along the way is just as important and fulfilling and one of the stepping stones towards a better life. Helping our fellow human beings = helping ourselves. We are all part of the same energy after all, we are all one in the end anyway, we are all part of the pattern, we are all dance partners in the dance called life, each step we make effects the steps other's make and vise versa.

You will see me using the word "Espavo" a lot. It literally means: "Thank you for taking your power" used as a greeting for both hello and goodbye. The word's vibrational matrix helps people reconnect to ancient memories of their true origin. I quote from one of my favorite most inspirational book that I have read "Going Deeper" by J.C Koven: "Creation, is paralleled in the espavo paradox, which states: "To truly claim one's power, one must first give it away." Like the Phoenix does every time it dies." Now that you know what it means, you will understand why I use it. ;-)

I do not believe in religion as I believe strongly that religion is a restriction to higher knowledge and truth and I think that religion as been the cause of most wars and conflict between humans and has caused way too much hurt pain and judgement in the world. However, I also believe that any religion is true in the mind of the believer. I do not think any religion is wrong or untrue etc etc. We all believe in one thing in the end and that is that there is a higher power. :-)

Other things that you may find me writing about in my blog is about healthy living. I strongly feel that to feel good spiritually emotionally and mentally one has to look after your temple (your body). I have a strong passion for this and about living the healthiest lifestyle that I can.

I am a dancer.... no I do not dance professionally, but I have been dancing since I was a toddler. First I was a ballerina, then a modern dancer and then I just started doing it for fun. I dance either to forget or I dance to remember, either way it is another one of my passions that I will keep close to my heart forever. I like to think that I dance through life: Everything in the universe has rhythm. Everything dances. -Maya Angelou

I hope you enjoy what I write about and I hope I bring at least some of you inspiration and maybe even some good advice or guidance. Either way Enjoy it! <3

Peace and love

Espavo!

BODY SPRING CLEAN

2011-08-08T12:42:00.000+02:00

I have been doing a few alternative things when it comes to my health lately. In general I am not somebody who goes to the doctor for any reason under the sun and I like to look after myself naturally without needing to go to the doctor. Some people cannot understand why I do certain things... probably because of the close-minded way they were brought up or maybe it just goes beyond their way of thinking and so on and so on... I mean there could be all sorts of reasons why people refuse to understand natural ways of healing and alternative ways of living, so I thought I would write about my experiences with two types of cleanses/detoxes I did in the last month, maybe then people will understand my reasons a little better after reading this:-

A few weeks ago I did a colon detox. This involved fasting for 5 days. No solid food but drinking 1 tablespoon physillium husk with apple juice 5 times a day, 2 hours apart. Psyllium Husk on its own is basically a colon cleanser, but using it during a fast increases the effects. Psyllium Husk sweeps your colon. To explain what it does I have used this example:-

*Imagine a dirty pot, still having bits of food stuck to the sides and everything. Rinsing it will water and soap is not going to clean the pot properly, to clean a pot like that you need a pot scrubber or a stronger material to clean it and this is what the Psyllium Husk is for your colon.* - Just imagine not cleaning a pot and just using it over and over again without cleaning it properly. ...Yuck!!!

The hardest part of this detox is not eating solid food for 5 days, but after 2 days your body gets used to it. On my first day I had so much energy! I actually got on my bike and cycled for 30 minutes and did aerobic exercises... but I will not recomend anyone to do that as I felt really weak afterwards. Rather do not exercise while doing the detox (going for a walk or something light shouldn't be a problem though), but do not worry about your energy levels either, you will actually feel great and full of energy, this is probably due to all the toxins leaving the body and the minerals and vitamins you get from the apple juice.

The most rewarding part of this detox is not only how great you feel afterwards and during the detox but also that you are actually able to see what your body is getting rid of! Some people who have done this detox have found crayons and sometimes even marbles in their bowel movements! (Gross, I know, but trust me, when you actually see what has been stuck in your body for all these years leaving your body, it makes you feel 10 times better!) Your colon has old food in it which CANNOT be good for the body, if you were a child that ate whatever you got your hands on, like the people who found crayons and marbles in their bowel movements, you probably also have it. I will not be elaborating what I found in my bowel movements, all I am going to say is that I passed a lot of mucoid plague, a buildup of mucoid plaque becomes a problem as the intestinal system is unable to expel it, and it instead starts to interfere with the energy levels, the person’s health, and the removal of waste from the intestine.

I am so happy that all that stuff is now out of my body! No wonder so many people get colon cancer! The harmful toxins and chemical build up in your colon can cause loads of health problems such as colon cancer, skin problems toxic blood, obesity, constipation and much more.

Go to this website for a lot more information on the subject: http://www.best-colon-cleanse.com/
...and check out this website for what mucoid plaque is: http://www.welikeitraw.com/rawfood/2005/06/whats_real.html .
You will be amazed at what horrible stuff is actually in your body!

A lot of people are skeptical about doing this because some people don't believe that us humans should go without food for such a long time... how close minded is that! From personal experience I have never felt better while and after doing this detox. I lost 4.5Kg (I didn't pick up the weight again either), I feel lighter and healthier and I also felt closer to my higher self. Yes... it was also a spiritual experience for me, I felt closer to God because being without solid food for this period of time humbles you. You realize that there is a Higher Power watching over you. Before doing this I didn't think I would survive without food for so long but I did and it just shows you, us humans do not actually need as much as we think we need.

Other people thought I did it for the weight loss... how much more superficial do you get?! Yes I lost weight but that was a bonus, I did it for my health. After having a huge fright from being told that I have cancerous cells in my cervix I realized that even though I am young and "healthy" (as I saw it) didn't mean that I was. It is so sad to see that some people really have no idea that they themselves are destroying their health with what they eat. Medication, like antibiotics, do not make you better in the long run, so going to a doctor is not going to make you a healthier person. Natural healing is the way... People need to open up their closed minds when it comes to these types of things!

The second detox I did, about 2 weeks after the colon cleanse, was a gallbladder cleanse. I did this cleanse mainly for my skin. I was feeling very pale and I do get a little bit of acne every now and then and this was irritating me. Also by doing this cleanse I got rid of all the old residue and toxins that were in my liver and gallbladder from my drug and alcohol abuse days. This detox involves not eating from 2pm and also not eating anything fatty that morning either and drinking Epsom Salts at 6pm, 8pm and then drinking half a cup of olive oil mixed with the juice of 2 grapefruits at 10pm. Then going to bed immediately and then drinking Epsom salts when you wake up, but not before 6am and then again two hours after that. You can eat after that whenever you feel ready, but nothing fatty etc etc.

For me this detox worked wonders but it was a horrible process. Not many people throw up but I did, apparently this is due to me having a lot of toxins in that area of my body, which did not surprise me at all! I threw up little crystals but the next day I passed gallstones as well, between 4 and 7 of them.

Please click on the link for more information on gallstones: http://digestive.niddk.nih.gov/ddiseases/pubs/gallstones/

This is what a gallstone looks like, In the middle of a gallstone is the parasitical stuff. The greener and darker they are the older and longer they have been in your body, the more tanner (yellowy) they are the newer they are.

The same day after this detox everyone started noticing the change in my skin. I had more color in my skin and it even felt softer! I felt full of vitality.

The greatest thing about both of these detoxes is that you actually see what comes out of your body, which is really rewarding!

If you are thinking of doing something like this but are kept back from doing it because of other people's silly remarks and un-researched opinions ignore what they have to say and do it for yourself. What have you got to lose? I did a lot of research on the subject before doing it so that I was totally clued up on what my body was going to go through. These two detoxes that I did really helped my health in many ways and I will be doing these detoxes once or twice a year from now on.

Think of it as spring cleaning your body!

Espavo! <3

LIFESTYLE

2011-08-02T15:35:00.000+02:00

*I was having a little bit of trouble accepting my body before writing this blog (something I think all women or men go through from time to time.) After losing 20kg I would think I should be happy with myself and grateful for all my weight loss and my healthy lifestyle - but I am still skeptical and unsure about how I feel and look right now - It could just be a stage though - but it got me thinking a little deeper into this subject which also inspired me to get up and moving more again.*

Let me summarize what I have gone through in my life so far with regards to lifestyle so that you can get a better idea of where I am coming from:-

I have never had a big problem with weight, I have always had a fast metabolism and have been (for most of my life) active. 4 years ago however, I took a turn for the worst in this regard. I let myself go, fell into depression, was jobless for about 6 months and picked up a huge amount of weight. I do not know if the weight gain was directly as a result of these things that were happening in my life but it happened and I get the feeling the negative things in my life were actually the result of my weight gain - read on for an explanation.

To make things worse - I was not exactly aware of the fact that I was overweight (actually obese on the BMI scale but ja...) - I really do not know how I was not aware of it, must have been something physiological to do with it... Until one day I got told to my face (in a very nasty way) that I was fat! This made me actually LOOK in the mirror properly for the first time - and not only did I realize that I was overweight and did not like the physical reflection I saw in the mirror but I also disliked the person I had become inside. - and I think from then on I made it my goal to make a positive change.

I was going to get myself back on track in all aspects of my life and so changed my lifestyle. The first step I took was a food diary and I became careful and more aware about the types of food I ate and when I ate them, I also stopped going out and drinking so much which also made me realize what bad friendship choices I had made. - then came exercise which then helped me become even more stricter with my food choices which also then led to me becoming a runner - running 2km-3km 3 to 4 times a week! I also remembered how to dance again, there is nothing better than turning up the sound system or putting on your earphones and dancing it all out in front of the mirror or in the lounge. :-D I not only noticed an amazing change in my body but in my attitude as well. My social life changed for the better, I had like-minded and well moral friends who shared the same interests as me and that were GOOD for me and my man. I treated people better, my relationship with my love ones blossomed and I could handle stress and pressure with no problem at all. I no longer had emotional outbursts or depression - I felt alive again.

[This feeling of feeling alive mostly comes from the exercise - the feeling of running and the after effects of it reminds me of the feeling I get when I dance - I think the word to use that best describes this feeling is Freedom. Any type of exercise helps you get rid of all that tension, just like dancing - dancing however helps you let go of feelings emotionally, lets you express how you feel. Dancing for me helps me to let go of emotions that I hold on to - running helps me to put everything into perspective.]

It really did make me realize for the first time that you will not have respect for others and others will not have respect for you as a human being and for who you are until you have first gained respect for yourself. And it is also true what they say: - "you are what you eat."

Here is a great quote:

"On my fridge I have a saying that I have had for years; it goes like this:
'What I do today is important because I am exchanging a day of my life for it.'
This saying applies to everyone no matter what your lifestyle is."
Catherine Pulsifer

It also helped me gain back my spirituality again - it was almost as if all the stuff I was feeding myself and the restriction from exercise was causing a blockage in my spiritual energy flow and therefore also stopping me from functioning properly and from reaching my potential.

Even now while I am writing this down I am starting to feel a little better - getting this out has given me motivation to start upping up my game again - Even though I may not have picked up weight and may not need to do anything with my lifestyle I know I have slacked a bit when it comes to exercise and I have not been strict enough when it comes to my diet this winter. I am going to get my jogging shoes back on tonight and get this booty moving again - because it is not about being skinny or looking better than someone else and all those superficial things - it is about feeling good about yourself, inside and out - and that is our ultimate goal in the end is it not? To be happy. :-)

Hope this inspired someone else too.

Espavo!

LETTING GO

2011-07-22T17:36:00.000+02:00

Before I write all this down, please note that this is something I feel and think a lot about but struggle to actually put in words - you know... when you feel or believe in something but cannot describe it - well I am going to try my best. ;-)

Looking back on the "dark" days of my life, the times I was not in tune with my light and to the source, very confused and very destructive as a result of that, I wonder about how I would have turned out today if it was not for those moments and periods in my life. (Even though some parts were very disturbing and horrible).

I remember being so low at times that I contemplated ending my time spent on earth, feeling that I could start over again with a clean slate, feeling that what I have done and the regret and disgust I felt would not pass, that I would live forever with this dark cloud hanging over my head... Little did I know that what I was going through at that moment and time would be the reason for me turning out for the better in the future.

It reminds me of a quote by Soren Kierkegaard: "Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards."

It is all about growing up and maturing, when we get stuck in those periods of life we need to remember that whatever mistakes we have made today will only be used as a reference in the future to be reminded about what not to do and will help us as a guide to us keep on the right track and to stick to our morals and standards.

Looking back to my drug and food addiction days when life was hell and when I made life hell to live in, I do not look back with pride but I know that I will never be that person ever again. My memory of those days and the hurt I not only caused myself but to others as well will not only serve as a reminder to strive to be a better person but to also try my best to help others who are also in need of the advice that I can offer them.

I am somewhat grateful that I had those horrible experiences - if I had not gone through what I have been through I would not have the wisdom, understanding and 'want' to live that I have today.

I know how hard it was to get through it, essentially if you are a fighter at heart and arrogant to the fact that you need another person's help or even arrogant to the fact that you need to change (denial), but thinking of it this way helps me to understand it better : pain, grief, depression, Guilt and other forms of FEAR disappear when the mind is focused in loving peace on this instant. Focusing on what you have done is not going to help you move forward in the future. Focusing and trying to feel how you want to feel in the future NOW is the answer.

I remember when I was stuck in a feeling of depression about regretting what I had done and constantly feeling that I deserved feeling this way, that I deserved being hurt and angry because of what I had done, I even remember hurting myself on purpose. - I used to read the horoscopes on the DSTV channel and I remember there was always something that used to come up in those readings - Let go of what no longer is needed. I remember reading this a lot but never actually understanding it or taking the action to LET GO of what really is no longer needed - I now understand what it meant though and it is the most uplifting and awesome feeling when you let go of the things that hold you down and keep you from becoming a better more free person. (This is another subject that I would like to write about one day - coincidences - listening to your heart and being aware of things that continuously happen to you or keep reappearing in your life - It is a message from your higher self trying to guide you in the right direction - like dreams.)

I think I have achieved what I wanted to say now, I think to sum it all up we need to remember that we are only human, the mistakes we have made in the past do not reflect who we are today and that the memory of those mistakes and experiences are only there as a guide to help us become better people.

Espavo! xxx

Life's Little Bargains

2011-07-20T17:37:00.000+02:00

I was listening to the radio yesterday and they were speaking about "life's bargains". Things that we have in life that we don't pay for but have - life's bargains. This got me thinking again about how many things there are to be grateful for - even the average man you walk past on the side of the street has many things to be grateful for.

So this got me thinking about some of the things I regard as "life's bargains". I am fortunate enough to work at a very beautiful place. I am surrounded by nature and mountains and there is loads of fresh air and open space. Nature is one of life's most precious bargains. You don't have to pay or give anything to experience the wonders and beauty and calming effect of nature. It is there for us to enjoy when we please.

South African's (especially) should be so grateful for the beauty of our country, never mind what is happening politically and economically in this country, this place is STUNNING! We have the most beautiful mountains, seas and open land. Even now as I look out the window my breathe is taken away by the view of the mountains and nature surrounding this town.

When last have you gone and sat under a tree or lay flat on your back on a piece of grass and stared up into the sky? Even if you haven't done it in a while go back to when you used to do it as a child. Remember that calming relaxed feeling you got? That joy you felt? With the sun warming your face and the sound of the wind in the trees. We need to remember to spend more time with nature and use this "bargain" we have been given during our time on Planet Earth. Maybe if more people started appreciating nature more, even if it is just by looking out of the window at the office or driving home or to work, they will learn to respect it more and treat nature and Mother Earth the way it should be treated, with pride and with love.

I mean, after all that nature and the earth has given us and will continue to give us, we should be giving something back in return - even if it is just gratitude and appreciation.

Espavo! <3