Yesterday, I finally got a chance to check out the GI Joe movie.  As I grew up on the GI Joe cartoon, I was eager to see the film.  To say the least, I was disappointed.  This live action movie, which cost millions of dollars to produce and millions more to market, was sadly disappointing.  This film had so much potential.  And all the writers had to do was watch the animated GI Joe movie to understand how to make an awesome flick.  Instead, as the genius Hollywood types tend to do, they tried to “re-imagine” it.  Very sad.  Anyway, instead of taking the time to review this movie, here are 10 reasons why I think the GI Joe movie sucked.

1. No Bazooka.  No Roadblock.  No Shipwreck.  No Snowjob.  How in the holy fuck can you make a GI Joe movie and NOT include Bazooka?!?  He was only in (practically) every god damned episode of the cartoon!  And Shipwreck was to GI Joe as Wolverine is to the X-Men.  Without these characters, the movie was doomed to suck from the word “go.”
2. Brandon Frasier played Flint.  ‘Nuff said.
3. The Cobra foot-soldiers could actually hit the things they were shooting at.  Really?  Since when?
4. A nine year old wrote the dialogue.  Or so it seemed.
5. Destro was not Irish.  And he was buff and tough looking, not pale and squirmish.
6. The Baroness becomes a good guy?  And in the span of four years she goes from a dopey blond to an expert martial artist and marksman?  And she doesn’t have a foreign accent?  <sigh>
7. They put what appeared to be pubic hair all over Duke’s face.
8. Brandon Frasier played Flint. <begins to sob>
9. Cobra Commander was Baroness’s little brother.  Oh, and instead of being a raging psychotic megalomaniac, they made him into a Hannibal Lecter rip-off.
10. Half of the plot was basically taken from various Star Wars movies.  Especially the scene where the Rebels (GI Joes) attack the Death Star (the underwater Cobra base).

For these reasons, and probably many more, the GI Joe movie was doomed to suck.  And while it was, at times, mildly entertaining, it was NOT the kick ass film that it could have been.  I can only hope that the entire script writing staff has been executed and that the sequal will be directed by someone who actually watched the cartoon.

-Dan Cheek
www.DanChee.com
dan@sockpuppetsfromhell.com

Recently, I visited 130 Brixx Grille and Tavern, located in downtown Scranton, PA.  I sampled the beer, the food, and the mens room.  To read about this thrilling adventure, and my review of Brixx, be sure to read my latest article, which is featured at the Examiner.  Here’s the link, kids…

http://www.examiner.com/examiner/x-20793-Scranton-Happy-Hour-Examiner~y2009m8d21-Hitting-the-Brixx-in-Scranton

Yes.  That link is very long and horrifying.  For those of you who are scared of long links, here is a much more friendly looking link that will take you to the same place…

http://tinyurl.com/myud2f

Now go and read my article.  Or I will use my awesome mental powers (and my high speed internet connection) to mind rape your dog.  All for now.

-Dan Cheek
www.Dan Cheek.com
dan@sockpuppetsfromhell.com

The only thing missing is a clip of an old hillbilly, rolling around in the mud and fucking a pig.  Why did we fight a war to KEEP these people part of the union?

-CHEek
www.DanCheek.com
dan@sockpuppetsfromhell.com
PuppetMstr on Twitter

Alesky II, the Russian Orthadox’s leader and patriarch, has died at the age of 79.  In addition to being credited with helping to restore the Russian Orthodox Church after the fall of Communism, Aleksy II is also, very clearly, the insane, evil twin of Santa Clause.

To quote from the New York Times…

“The patriarch was 79, and the church did not disclose the cause of death. He had long suffered from heart problems.

Aleksy II was named patriarch in 1990, just before the end of the Soviet Union, ascending to the leadership of a church that had often suffered brutal discrimination under the officially atheistic Communists. Under Stalin, many priests were killed or sent to labor camps, and cathedrals were destroyed.

First under President Boris N. Yeltsin and then under Mr. Putin, Mr. Yeltsin’s successor, Aleksy II significantly deepened the role of the church in everyday life — erecting and restoring cathedrals, introducing Orthodox religious education in public schools and becoming a prominent voice on moral issues. While church attendance has remained low, growing numbers of Russians identify themselves as Russian Orthodox.”

At any rate, while I am not  Russian Orthodox, it does sadden me to hear of this man’s passing.  What will the world do, now that the Evil Santa twin is dead?

-CHEek
www.DanCheek.com
dan@sockpuppetsfromhell.com

Being a college student, I had two things that I had to do today.  I had to go to my Business Strategy Class and I had to go to my International Business Class.  In the end, I accomplished exactly half of those things.  I did attend my first class, however, I never made it to my second class.  Instead, I ended up getting drunk at a bar.

I, along with three of my classmates, went to Rodano’s, a Wilkes-Barre bar, and spent the entire afternoon there.  Our plan, our original plan, was to go there for an hour, between classes, and have a few beers.  After having a few beers, we decided to have a few more, and then decided to have a few more.  By the time we made it back to campus, our 2:30pm class was already over.

However, we went to the professor’s office and, after offering several lame excuses that were completely unbelievable, all is well, again.  Despite the fact that we were unable to walk straight lines, speak in un-slurred speech, or not smell like a filthy bar room, we managed to convince the professor to excuse our absense.

The moral of this story is that, whenever possible, you should drink beer.  If any type of obligation or responcibility gets in the way, use a combination of lies, misinformation, and whatever else is nessecary to get yourself out of the bind.  The important thing is to drink as much as possible and to contribute as little to society as possible, in the process.

In other news, one day, I may very well be your child’s guidance councilor.  That scares me as much as it does you, and eventually, your children.  I appologize.  I have to go drink more now.  TOODLES!

-CHEek
www.DanCheek.com
dan@sockpuppetsfromhell.com

Source: http://images.politico.com/global/081110_cartoon_600.jpg

-Dan Cheek
www.DanCheek.com
Dan@SockPuppetsFromHell.com

Up until tonight, I still had a decent amount of respect for McCain.  I wasn’t going to vote for him, for reasons I’ve already talked about, but I still respected John McCain the man.  His politics and his strategy rubbed me the wrong way, but I always admired his character.  That changed tonight.  Point blank: John McCain is a coward.

This afternoon, John McCain announced that he is “suspending” his campaign starting on Thursday so that he can return to Washington to focus on the financial crisis.  As a result, McCain says that the Presidential Debate scheduled for Friday evening must be postponed.  Clearly, John McCain is afraid to debate.

And let me now address all of the people who will defend John McCain and send me seething hate mail and leave blistering comments.  First off, yes, I understand John McCain was a POW and endured a living hell for several years.  That said, too fucking bad.  I’m not going to vote for a man based on something he did almost two generations ago, no matter how epic.  I’m more concerned about the amount of character that you have now.  Remember, Benedict Arnold was an American war hero before he was an American coward.

Whatever courage, dignity, and honor that he had, years ago as a military man, has been lost.  Apparently, a lifetime in politics and life in Washington DC was able to do what a few years in a North Vietnamese prison camp was not.  The North Vietnamese broke John McCain’s arms and legs.  Politics has rendered him spineless.

Second, yes, I understand all about the US financial crisis.  However, it’s not as if the US Congress is suddenly going to come together and fix everything simply because John McCain showed up, late, to see what was going on.  If John McCain wants to be a Senator, fine.  Continue being a Senator.  However, if John McCain wants to be the United States President, then start fucking acting like it.  Show some god damned leadership.

I also find McCain’s backing out of the debate, little more than 48 hours before the event, insulting.  As an American voter, I want to see what McCain has to offer.  I want to see how my current candidate of choice, Obama, responds to his opponent.  I take this election, and my vote, seriously.  I have a great deal of respect for this process and I expect the same from the candidates.  I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

I wasn’t going to vote for McCain before this, and I’m certainly not going to vote for him now.  His actions today didn’t cost him my vote because he didn’t have it to begin with.  However, what he did lose was my respect, and I’m willing to bet that I’m not alone in that opinion.  The die-hard Republican sheep and McCain supporters will still vote for him.  They’d vote for McCain even if McCain got caught raping a dog.  However, with his actions today, I think John McCain has lost the confidence of many average Americans and believe me, I take no joy in saying that.

-Dan Cheek
www.DanCheek.com
dan@sockpuppetsfromhell.com 

Dog the Bounty Hunter is, perhaps, one of the baddest men to every walk the planet. He makes a living being meaner and tougher than some of the most wanted criminals in the world. So, when he approves a line of clothing and gear, you should take it seriously. Visit DogtheBountyHunter.com to learn more.

Representative John LaBruzzo (R)

What you are about to read is true. You won’t believe it is true, because it is so fucking insane, but I assure you, it is true. You may have to read it and then re-read it to get your head around the sick, fucked-beyond-belief logic being used, but that’s okay. When I first saw this, my brain started making clanking and banging sounds as it tried to process it.  It still hasn’t.  Anyway, check this out….

From the New Orleans City Business…

“State Rep. John LaBruzzo, R-Metairie, fears Louisiana may be headed toward an economic crisis if the percentage of people dependent on the government is not decreased.

His solution: pay impoverished women $1,000 to have their tubes tied so they will stop having babies they can’t afford.

The idea came to LaBruzzo after hurricanes Katrina and Gustav when the state was forced to evacuate, shelter and care for tens of thousands of people.

“I realized that all these people were in Louisiana’s care and what a massive financial responsibility that is to the state,” LaBruzzo said. “I said, ‘I wonder if it might be a good idea to pay some of these people to get sterilized.’”

Yes. This man wants the government to pay poor women to have their tubes tied. But wait, it gets worse. His proposal also talks about maybe giving wealthy, college educated women a tax credit to have more children. Take a moment and think about that, now.

Okay. So this politician, a Republican, wants to pay poor women to be sterilized and then also pay rich women to have more babies. His logic, I guess, is that rich people are better than poor people so this is a way of lowering the number of undesirables and raising the number of “good” people. Hitler and the Nazis had a similar goal, though their method was much more extreme. Still, does it scare the piss out of anyone else that a politician in the United States would actually endorse an idea as sick as this?

I don’t care what your opinion is on the issue of Welfare. It is what it is. Paying poor people to give up their ability to have children is NOT an option. Neither is paying rich women to have more children. For many reason, which are so obvious that I won’t even insult anyone’s intelligence by listing them, this idea is sick, dangerous, and evil. Anyone who thinks otherwise needs to seek counselling and be heavily medicated.

John LaBruzzo needs to loose his job. He also needs to be deported to the Moon. The Republican Party needs to kick his ass out of their ranks and then he needs to get hit by a car. Maybe it’s irresponsible for me to suggest that, but hey, how responsible was he when he suggested paying poor women to be sterilized for the benefit of society? John LaBruzzo is a fucking evil prick who needs to be stopped.

Feel free to email Mr. LaBruzzo with your thoughts and opinions on his horrible scheme.  He can be reached at larep081@legis.state.la.us.

-Dan Cheek
www.DanCheek.com
dan@sockpuppetsfromhell.com

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Let me begin by saying that I know this list is not complete. There are people on Twitter who should be on this list, but aren’t, simply because I don’t know about them. If YOU know of them, you should tell me (and everyone else) about them by leaving a comment. Also, if you don’t know what Twitter is, read THIS.

Now, that said, here my list of “must follow” people on Twitter. This list isn’t just of people who have the biggest following on Twitter. These are the people who, I think, are the most entertaining, the most enlightening, and the most interesting to follow. Their updates are always original and (for the most part) consist of more than, “Chillin’” or “Leaving for work, now.” These are people who’s Twitters actually add something to my day and who make Twitter worth having. Anyway, here’s my list (in no order)…

• Zdarsky – An unmedicated lunatic who is also horrifyingly entertaining. He’s like the human version of meth.
• MatthewBaldwin – Author of the Defective Yeti Blog. For that reason alone, he makes my list.
• WarrenEllis – This man is both brilliant and demented to the point of being scary. Comic writer, novelist, blogger, and part-time podcaster. Simply put, I am a fan of everything this man creates.
• JayZombie – She’s just fun to follow. Suicide girl. Talented photographer. A person worth paying attention to.
• Fireland – Blogger and all around entertaining (in the disturbing way…) person. Doesn’t Twitter enough, in my opinion, but still awesome.
• MelKirk – Mel Kirk, author of the very wonderful RandomMel blog, which features her “Random Videos”, among other things.
• LaughingSquid – The official Twitter account of LaughingSquid.com. Run by Scott Beale, the “Head Tentical” over there. Always has some very interesting stuff going on in his Twitters.
• TaraBrown – A very intelligent woman with a lot of talent doing all sorts of “computer stuff”. Her Twitters are never dull.
• WilloToons – A “geekyfantastic” designer, illustrator, and music lover.
• Kaffeine – Has, perhaps, the best Twitter bio ever: “Really nerdy and awkward and dorky, but in a good way. Also a huge perv.”
• Brit – She lives a pretty damn cool life, I think. Works for Google, travels a bunch, and has a great sense of humor.
• Templesmith – Ben Templesmith. An Australian comic writer, artist and “rider of the worm.” Always has deep, macabre thoughts. Also drinks a lot.
• Johnny_C – Johnny the Homicidal Maniac.  ‘Nuff said.
• Poshy – Suicide girl. Programmer. Hipper than I will ever be.
• Mickipedia – She’s a friggin’ roller derby girl!
• RStevens – Creator of the insanely popular and entertaining Diesel Sweeties.

And there you go. Again, I stress that this is not a complete list. Consider this a “in my humble opinion” type of list and not a “complete and definitive list of who’s who” list. These are the people that I pay attention to on Twitter. Your list can and should be different, though if you’re not following these people, you might want to consider it. All for now.

-Dan Cheek
www.DanCheek.com
dan@sockpuppetsfromhell.com
PuppetMstr on Twitter

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On Friday, the long awaited presidential debates will finally kick off.  John McCain will have it out with Barack Obama in a debate that should be wildly enertaining, if such a term could be used to describe a presidential debate.  This is because both sides have agreed to a free-flowing, back-and-forth style debate.  Sadly, however, the McCain camp has refused to extend that format to the VP debates.

This is because, according to McCain staff, Sarah Palin isn’t very experienced and such a format would put her at a big disadvantage to Obama’s VP nominee, Joe Biden.  Wait a fucking minute!  Didn’t McCain just swear up and down that Palin WAS experienced and ready to be the US Vice President, if elected?  Hasn’t Palin said, repeatedly to the point that I’m sick of fucking hearing about it, that she is a “hokey mom” and the only difference between a hokey mom and a pitbull is lipstick?

Yes.  They did say all of that.  Apparently, however, that really isn’t the case.  According to the New York Times…

“At the insistence of the McCain campaign, the Oct. 2 debate between the Republican nominee for vice president, Gov. Sarah Palin, and her Democratic rival, Senator Joseph R. Biden Jr., will have shorter question-and-answer segments than those for the presidential nominees, the advisers said. There will also be much less opportunity for free-wheeling, direct exchanges between the running mates.

McCain advisers said they had been concerned that a loose format could leave Ms. Palin, a relatively inexperienced debater, at a disadvantage and largely on the defensive.

The wrangling was chiefly between the McCain-Palin camp and the nonpartisan Commission on Presidential Debates, which is sponsoring the forums.

Commission members wanted a relaxed format that included time for unpredictable questioning and challenges between the vice-presidential candidates. Last week, it rejected a proposal from advisers to Ms. Palin and Senator John McCain of Arizona, the Republican presidential nominee, for few if any unfettered exchanges. Advisers to Mr. Biden say they were comfortable with either format.”

C’MON!  I was really looking forward to this “pittbull with lipstick” to go bonkers during the debate and maybe even kick Joe Biden in the face.  Not that I don’t like Joe Biden (I do), but I would also like to see Sarah Palin beat the shit out of someone.  Instead, she’s going to hide behind some stupid debate rules that prevent her from being raked over the coals too much.  WTF!?!

Note to the McCain people: If Sarah Palin is as experienced as you say she is, and as tough as she says she is, take the kid gloves off and let her debate like a grown up.  The only fucking reason people are even paying attention to John McCain anymore is because of Sarah Palin.  If she can’t hold her own in the arena of national politics, she shouldn’t be the VP nominee.

I want to see Sarah Palin have a real debate.  Not a “let’s pretend to debate but not really” farce.  Not a “please don’t be mean to me” joke of a debate.  A REAL debate.  A back and forth, no holds barred debate.  I want to see how both VP candidates, Biden and Palin, hold up under fire.  I think this says a lot about Sarah Palin and her ability (or lack thereof) to be a leader in the US Government.  And what it says is nothing good.

-Dan Cheek
www.DanCheek.com
dan@sockpuppetsfromhell.com

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