It’s here! “The Breakfast Mix,” the first in the series of downloadable audio classes on dance for natural pain relief, is now available for purchase through our online store.

While we make sure that the technical aspects work properly, we’re offering 15% off the purchase price. If you encounter a glitch when downloading the class, please let us know, and we’ll make sure you get it, delivered directly to your email address. If you pre-ordered the class, you can expect it sometime in the coming week, with the goal of getting it to you by the end of this week. Thanks for your interest in the Dancing with Pain method, and be sure to spread the word!

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Dear Neighbor,

I live across the street from you. We have chatted a few times, including this morning, and I always have experienced you as a very friendly and sweet man. (I still remember when you went out of your way to bring me my flying red umbrella.)

Tonight when I came to talk with you about the incident of your cat climbing into my car, I shared with you my distress over the situation, revealing that I have a severe allergy to cats. Rather than telling me that I “should not have left my sunroof open,” I would have appreciated your taking responsibility for your cat and demonstrating concern for the consequences of your cat climbing into my car.

Anytime I am near cat dander, even if it’s on the sweater of someone sitting next to me, I get a severe response — including extreme difficulty breathing, nonstop sneezing, and an itchiness so unbearable that I am left wanting to claw at my eyes and skin. Suffice it to say, I avoid cats like the plague. The fact that a cat had been rolling around in my car meant that everything in my car had been contaminated – which in turn meant that getting into my car risked getting very sick, very fast. I felt especially upset, because I urgently had to drive somewhere tonight, and I knew that meant risking an asthma attack. I did in fact end up having one while driving, and I am still recovering from that episode, as I write this.

In addition, tomorrow I am scheduled to go on a trip. I needed the morning to get some work done before leaving, but now I will have to spend it removing everything from my car, putting it in plastic bags (until I can hire someone to thoroughly clean it all for me), and getting my car professionally cleaned. Not only do these consequences cost me time and money, but they also cause me anxiety. Dander is tough to remove completely, and I am apprehensive about the possibility of suffering another asthma attack while on a long drive. If that does happen, I will need to turn around and cancel my trip altogether – which has its own chain reaction of consequences, financial and otherwise.

Please consider this: If you accidentally left a window open in your house, and a neighbor’s dog climbed in and caused damage in your home, how might you feel if the neighbor’s only response was telling you that you should not have left your window open?

Loolwa

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She then proceeded to do an elaborate procedure putting together a manual cuff. Then, when she was pumping, the pressure was fine until it went from “starting to hurt” to “excruciating pain” in, like a nanosecond. “It’s hurting,” I said to her. That’s usually the cue where other practitioners let the gas out, so to speak, and the pressure starts going down right away. She, however, just stopped pumping.

“Please stop,” I said. “OK,” she said again, not making a motion, watching the numbers on the screen. A few seconds ticked by, and I was ready to rip the damn cuff off my arm. Quite frankly, I should have. “I need you to stop!!” I said urgently. That’s when she let the gas out. But the damage had been done. I’ve been in pain since that time, and it’s been about eight hours. I anticipate having a hard time sleeping tonight.

I often err on the side of being polite and sparing people bad feelings, but this time I believe I was scowling, and I made no attempt to hide the fact that I was in pain. The studentish nurse apologized and said that in the future, I could ask to not have my blood pressure done. I was tempted to ask her why she didn’t move when I said stop, but I figured she obviously felt bad, and there was nothing to be done to undo the situation anyhow, so why add to her stress.

But I often look out for other people’s feelings instead of taking care of whatever business I need to take care of, and I do wish I’d asked. Simply because I’m curious and because it’s good feedback for another situation – ie, to understand the psychology of medical types.

Anyhow, off I go to bed with an ice pack. I’ll dance it out tomorrow.

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We are living in a time where condemnation trumps compassion, and where spiritual smugness is at the throne – at least in the world of holistic health, which is the circle where I run. For this reason, when I share a story of triumph through debilitating pain that nearly tore my life apart, so many people focus not on my fierceness, courage, and tenacity, but rather, on the situation that created the pain in the first place. In other words, they judge me by my circumstances instead of by my character. In addition, when I offer up my story, to help raise awareness of how we can all be more sensitive and awake and considerate of each other, I very well may get judged by the fact that people in my story were unkind to me – as if I were responsible for creating their actions towards me.

This attitude is FUCKED. It actively encourages self-flagellation, and it actively discourages outspokenness. Abuse, trauma, and insanity flourish in silence. Behold the feminist movement: When women started sharing personal stories, they discovered that the personal was political – ie, it was not them or their particular lives, but rather, there was a social steam-roller out to collectively squash women.

The New Age bullies can fuck themselves and their Law of Attraction cohorts. I will not be silent, even when I feel vulnerable. And I encourage you to speak up as well. Tell your story. The more we speak up, the more we are seen, the more knowledge we have, the more we find each other and the more power we have to change this crazy-assed world.

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We met at the post-Hanukkah party tonight, and I want to address something that came up:

I let you know that I do not shake hands, because I did not want you to take it personally when I did not shake yours. The back story is that I suffered from a decade of chronic and debilitating pain. While I have self-healed from that pain, I still have a very sensitive body, and shaking hands usually triggers pain that can last a few hours.

When I told you I don’t shake hands, your response was to proffer your elbow. When I said, “I don’t do that either,” you made a fist and started coming down on top of my head, as if you were going to bang my head with your first. Not only was that gesture decidedly unfriendly, dare I say bordering on violent, but while you stopped your first an inch or two above my head, the energetic momentum continued. As a result, I ended up feeling as if I’d just been stabbed by an ice pick, and I’ve been suffering from head pain in the two hours since.

I’m feeling upset about and frustrated by what happened. Obviously you did not know about the sensitivity in my body. It is specifically because you did *not* know me or my circumstances, however, that I question why you kept pushing the issue – ie, why did you did not just say “ok” when I said I do not shake hands.

Thank you in advance for your care and consideration of this matter. I look forward to hearing from you.

Loolwa

Here is how he responded:

Dearest Loolwa, I was kidding and trying to be brotherly. There was no energetic momentum and your headache is probably the result of you thinking about it to much. I have no violent tendencies nor any desire to hurt you or anyone for that matter as I dedicate my life to helping people who are in pain and I feel it is hurtful that you would throw such unkind accusations at me.

Also would like to apologize if it did cause you to be upset.

Don’t mind me I’m just a grain of sand in the sands of time and maybe someday you will look back at this whole Chanukah party thing and will be able to smile

Here is how I responded:

Thank you for your apology.

Questioning your behavior in one interaction does nothing to discount your awareness or general awesomeness in countless other interactions. We all have blind spots and places where we can learn from the experience of others.

I invite you to read this cover story I wrote for AARP magazine, on drug-free remedies for treating chronic pain. As you’ll see, the opening anecdote is about a woman whose chronic pain left her so sensitive that even walking *near* her made her scream from pain.

For those who are physically sensitive, energy can be as intense as physical touch. When you did that motion coming down on my head, the energy did in fact trigger an immediate jolt of pain, which had nothing to do with my thoughts. Please consider that just because you have never experienced something does not mean that it is psycho-somatic or otherwise invalid. Please consider responding with compassion and curiosity instead of denial and dismissal.

When we speak up, and when people open their hearts to listen, the world changes. The party interaction between you and me is fairly typical of, and is just one of, countless interactions that people with invisible disabilities experience day-in, day-out. Most people say nothing. Most of the time I say nothing. But the less aware and sensitive that able-bodied people are, the less that disabled people feel comfortable or safe going out in the world. To the contrary, the more aware and sensitive that able-bodied people are, the more disabled people feel comfortable or safe going out in the world. Our lives are made up of little tiny moments and little tiny interactions. It’s unrealistic to address every interaction, but sometimes it’s worth it to take the risk to reach out to someone, see what happens, and learn from the experience.

All the best to you, and maybe I will see you at an upcoming event.

Loolwa

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Take an example from tonight at a post-Hanukkah party I attended. It was already a big deal to go to the event, because it involved overcoming my anxiety about driving on freeways – in this case, two of them. This anxiety stems from the fact that my whole life got turned upside down 15 years ago, from a hit-and-run, head-on car collision.

When I arrived, most of the guests were in the living room, playing a game that involved a television monitor and sound system with a very loud bass. Because of a debilitating auditory injury from two years ago, I am sensitive to certain vibrations, and this bass was definitely hitting the registers that cause me pain. I asked if there was an equalizer that could lower the bass volume but was informed there was none. So I went into the dining room, where two women were talking, and worked my way into the conversation.

About half an hour later, a man came into the dining room and stood next to me, munching on some of the pastries. I said hello and asked his name. As he answered me, he began extending his hand to shake mine. I do not shake hands, because most of the time doing so leaves me in pain – as a result of wrist sensitivity, stemming from an injury years ago. As I always do, I told this man that I do not shake hands, so as to ensure he would not take it personally.

The thing is that some people cannot accept someone not shaking a hand. Rather than just saying “OK” and withdrawing said hand, they try to bump fists, elbows, or any other body part. Some of them gesture without attempting to carry the gesture through – ie, they motion from a respectable distance and pause to see if I take up their offer. Others, however, actually go ahead and attempt to bang their elbows/fists/other body parts against mine.

Tell me something: Who the hell wants to bang elbows? It’s quite amazing to me how this keeps happening.

Unfortunately this man turned out to be the kind of guy who can’t deal with someone defying social order. When I said I did not shake hands, he proffered his elbow. I said, “No, I don’t do that either.” Then, unbelievably, he made a fist with his hand and did a gesture of coming down on my head with it. Not only was it a decidedly unfriendly gesture, dare I say bordering on violent, but while he stopped his fist just an inch or two above my head, the energy of that motion continued down through my head and triggered the sensation of being stabbed with an ice pick.

Suddenly the whole right side of my head was in pain, especially areas that previously had been injured – including my right eye and ear. Those injuries had caused years of agonizing pain and had prevented me from driving, working, and otherwise functioning. So when the pain got triggered, so did the associated anxiety: How long will the pain last this time? What repercussions will it have? Will I be able to work? To drive? To use the computer?

Meanwhile, it all happened unexpectedly and fast, and purportedly the guy’s intention was to be playful. So rather than barking, “What the hell is wrong with you,” I simply said, “No, I don’t do that either.” Someone who is going to behave like that clearly lacks awareness and sensitivity. So what is my saying anything going to accomplish? To most people’s awareness, in fact, he “didn’t do anything.” When people have no point of reference for a phenomenon such as the power of energy, and when I look totally able-bodied, I will appear to be making something out of nothing if I say anything. Aside from which, I really do not feel like educating the world about chronic pain, energy, and the like, when I just came to socialize for an hour.

Put it all together, and the experience was just one more factor discouraging me from going out into the world. Which sucks, because by nature, I am a very social creature. But by circumstance, it’s just too damn hard interacting with people most of the time.

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One of the hardest parts of my journey through suffering was when people would say to me that I had bad luck or bad karma, when they would tell me bad things kept happening to me or accusingly ask me why that was the case, and so on. As if it was not enough that I went through a long stretch where I’d rise above and then get knocked down again. Honestly, that was the hardest part of it all – the lack of compassion, the implicit accusation, the blame, the ridicule, the shaming, all of that psychological and emotional crap. Forget the physical pain.

And something in the narration of that part of the movie really spoke to me, because it was challenging how we think that happiness only comes when everything is rosy, and we think that trying times will destroy people. But that’s not the case. And I always wondered why people placed so much meaning and heaviness on things I had to encounter – completely ignoring me in the process. Completely missing the fact that I was a scrappy-assed fighter full of life and fire and determination and tenacity. I wrote about these matters in my post, Pain and Suffering, a while back.

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If I didn’t move — ie, if I effectively said “fuck you” to his power play — I would have taken the chance of getting hit. My health is more important to me. So I jumped to the left and yelled, “Careful!” as he passed. “There’s plenty of room,” he shot back, obviously not giving a fuck that he’d nearly run me down.

While my body is a million times stronger than in years past – I biked 30 miles yesterday, by way of example, at speeds of over 20 mph – I sill have weaknesses that are triggered by abrupt and angular movements. Jumping out of the way triggered a pain spasm that I’m still nursing with ice, two hours after the incident.

I am fairly certain that if I were a man, this incident would not have happened. No matter how powerfully women take up space, there is a general expectation that women will get out of the way of men. In my 20s, I would challenge that regularly – standing my ground while walking down the street and forcing the men to move for a change (which usually would happen at the n’th second, because it never would be the scenario they were expecting), or crashing into each other, because the men patently would refuse to budge.

While I have recovered by leaps and bounds from the decade of chronic pain, and while I am exponentially stronger than I was during that decade, my body is not back to the stability that I enjoyed in my 20s; so I still do not want to risk the physical ways I used to defend my space, unless it is absolutely necessary. As a result, my combat-response is  not as quick as it used to be. My initial reaction is now to avoid a physical confrontation.

So it did not occur to me, until the rear bike tire was by my side, that I could slam my foot into the bike. And then I did not want to do it anyhow, because not only could the impact lead to a pain episode, but one must not engage in physical confrontation unless one is willing to fight it out all the way; and a full-on physical fight definitely could trigger pain.

So all that was left was a sense of powerlessness and anger. When someone chooses to behave like an asshole, they rob us of the ability to move through space in peace. All that is left is a choice of how to respond. And sometimes the smartest response may be the one that feels the most infuriating – namely, doing nothing.

People like this assume they can just do whatever they want, with no consequence. It’s like the guy who tailed me on a narrow two-lane highway a couple of months ago, then – as I sped up and merged left to get onto the freeway – nearly slammed into me, as he zoomed right into the spot where I was merging, instead of waiting a few seconds to pass. The dude put my life in danger, because he could not be bothered to chill for a bit.

Clearly he did not think he would have to deal with me ever again. But I caught up with him at a red light and gave him an earful.

Unfortunately, on foot, it’s kind of difficult to catch up to a bike, and what exactly could come of it anyhow? I figured that verbally confronting a jerk like this was pointless. Really the only language he would understand would be the language of decking him or slashing his tires or somehow impacting him in a way that would get his attention.

Curious about the possibilities, I nonetheless decided to check it out and – since the guy was biking with a fishing rod – went to a fishing area in the direction where he was heading. Unfortunately (or fortunately) he wasn’t there. So instead, I opted for yelling and screaming and jumping up and down in the sand, releasing all the anger and frustration into the atmosphere. I felt happy after releasing all that gunk, especially considering how beautiful the river and trees were in front of me.

Still, it’s infuriating that these kinds of people exist and that they use their power in such domineering ways.

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They had been heading west, ie, in the opposite direction as I, and turning left, ie, into the same street as I. I already had signaled and had begun turning when they careened onto the road, one after the other. Meaning that instead of slowing down and waiting for me to turn, they decided they would risk their lives and mine, so as to aggressively push through.

After pausing, I looked at the lights in the intersection. Had I missed something about the lights, I asked myself, despite the fact that I have done the same move several times a week for the past half year. No, I concluded, they were just bullies.

Who are these people? I was tempted to find out, when I saw one of the trucks turn right into a neighborhood road. But chances are that someone who would pull a move like that, I reasoned, would not talk rationally or caringly about what had just happened. Instead, this individual would probably also shout so as to drown me out – leaving me with two options there as on the road: either escalate the situation, or back down.

What the fuck. That’s what these kinds of people do. When someone chooses to bully, to take up more than her/his fair share of space, that leaves the caring and gentle types with two choices: Up the ante, and make everything crazier than the jerks already have made it, or defer, hand over, back off/down. Again and again and again and again and again.

It’s royally fucked up.

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What fascinates me is that someone’s decision about the supposed root of my health condition is the direct result of what information I share with that person. If I share the distress I have felt about my dad, that’s the cause. If I share the struggle I have had with the Jewish community, that’s the cause. Without having more than a quick peek into decades of a very dynamic and super-packed life, without taking into consideration the plethora of ways that I regularly have released distress in healthy and transformative ways, that individual will decide, point blank, that X issue caused Y health condition.

Not only that, but the people who make these assertions do not even demonstrate the humility to acknowledge that this possible scenario is their own belief system. They simply present it as fact. Take the conversation I had last night: When I challenged this well-meaning individual on her unsolicited judgment about the root cause of my experience with chronic pain, she said, “I understand the bigger picture.” In other words, I am misguided in my earthbound, tunnel-vision about how health and wellness works, but she has the larger, cosmic understanding of how and why these things happen. Later in our conversation, she referenced my “sensitivity” about this issue. You know, as opposed to my “insight” into it.

Projections are the most annoying when they are not even recognized as such. As are judgments. I find that the most judgmental people are, hands down, the ones who run around preaching non-judgment.

But worst of all is when Person A has not only the arrogance to presume they know how this universe works, but also the blatant insensitivity and disrespect to tell Person B, uninvited, why Person B is suffering from fill-in-the-blank. These kinds of interactions encourage people to be less trusting and less open. Which I think is profoundly sad. When someone is suffering, the decent and humane response is to support that person in alleviating the suffering. Period.

I have written a number of blog posts on this theme. Today I’m collecting the ones I could either remember or find, for your consideration and reflection.

Obsession with Diagnosing Pain May Obfuscate the Cure

Pain and Suffering

Symptoms and Causes

The Law of Attraction is Bogus: An Interview with Larry Dossey, MD

Can You Stomach It?

The Law of Attraction: Shirking Social Responsibility

Spiritual Meaning Behind Chronic Pain: Interview with Brad Lemley, Editorial Director, DrWeil.com

What You See Does Not Equate What You Get

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